The Scathing Atheist - 347: Heavy Petting Edition

Episode Date: October 10, 2019

In this week’s episode, the holy spirit will check his texts, the person in the jail cell next to Amber Guyger is redecorating like crazy, and we’ll learn how to not have sex. --- Check out our newest sponsor, American Elections: Wicked Game --- Get your tickets to see Citation Needed live: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/citation-needed-live-in-nyc-tickets-67044382553 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Pastor who texted while speaking in tongues has a perfectly good explanation: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/05/pastor-who-texted-while-speaking-in-tongues-has-a-perfectly-good-explanation/ Atheist Group Files Complaint Against Texas Judge Who Gave Killer Cop a Bible https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/04/atheist-group-files-complaint-against-texas-judge-who-gave-killer-cop-a-bible/ Right-Wing Websites Are Distorting Scientific Data to Attack Trans People: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/06/right-wing-websites-are-distorting-scientific-data-to-attack-trans-people/ Why Did America Lose Its Religion? Thank the Internet: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/27/why-did-america-lose-its-religion-thank-the-internet/ A Progressive Seminary Had Students Confess to Plants; Critics Had a Field Day: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/09/21/a-progressive-seminary-had-students-confess-to-plants-critics-had-a-field-day/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Woman charged for being topless in her own home: https://www.sltrib.com/news/2019/09/30/this-utah-woman-was/ Anti-abortion group gives out tiny fetuses at parade: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/07/anti-abortion-clinic-gives-away-mini-fetuses-in-parade-prompting-rule-change/ Woman received digital catcalls over airlines messaging service: https://www.cnn.com/2019/10/07/us/woman-receives-in-flight-messages-trnd/index.html

Warning, this podcast contains adult language in its most juvenile form. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Hymns, Honey, American Election's Wicked Game, and by the new line of erotic Christian phones, Sam's Song of Solomon. Sam's Song of Solomon, helping you find the only G you need. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Vice Rhino's daughter,

letting you know that we did, in fact, involve some filthy monkey men. See? Even a child can tell you that. It's Thursday. It's October 10th. And it's Hug-a-Kevin Day. So if Mr. Sorbo could go ahead and lift that restraining order, that would be great. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from Robert Loja's, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scaling Atheist. On this week's episode, the Holy Spirit will leave us on read. The person in the jail cell next to Amber Geiger is redecorating like crazy. And we'll learn how to not fuck. But first, the diatribe. So this weekend I was in Tulsa, Oklahoma for a friend's wedding. And it was such a good wedding, it was worth going to Tulsa, Oklahoma for.

And before you ask, no, it wasn't in a church. Instead, they held it in one of the three buildings in Tulsa that isn't a church or private residence or a medical marijuana dispensary. A weird mix of real estate in that town right now. Now, the bride's family was religious and the officiant was a pastor, but to his credit, he injected his religion into the ceremony in only the least offensive ways. You asked us to all join him in prayer at the end. I declined. But the prayer was basically a bunch of good marital advice with a dear Jesus and an in Jesus's name on either side, like parentheses. And with one exception, that was the only time religion crept into the ceremony. But the one exception is the one I want to talk about. And that is, of course, that I had to sit through First Corinthians 13 again.

is, of course, that I had to sit through 1 Corinthians 13 again. And as loathe as I am to quote the passage in a diatribe about how sick of hearing it I am, I feel like I kind of have to to make my point. So here it is. This is 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7, as heard in every goddamn Christian wedding ceremony I have ever attended. Quote, love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. End quote. quote and sure that's a sweet sentiment to toss into a wedding ceremony i guess and when you compare it to most of the passages in the bible it's a fucking gem but it's also shit right like like if you gave the average literate 11 year old a piece of paper and

that said like love is on it and asked him to fill in the rest. You'd get something more profound than that passage three times out of five. Right? I think we can safely dismiss this whole perfect word of God claim based only on the fact that they can't find anything more poetic than that for their weddings. Right? Because keep in mind, if you buy into the Christian claims, God had Shakespeare in his box of crayons. You know, he could have just yanked Shakespeare out and said, hey, give me something pretty

for him to say at their weddings, then stuck him back in the box until he needed him centuries later for barding. But no, they have to settle for a passage that could ultimately be paraphrased as love is when you're not an asshole, right? Because they scoured that fucking book looking for a quote about love that didn't reference torture or retribution. And that's all they could find. And if you think I'm exaggerating the Bible's paucity of good passages about love, let's step into Mr. Wizard's fucking laboratory.

Right. When I Google biblical quotes about love and I click on the first link, the very first words from the Bible that appear on the page are I shit you not. Wives submit to your husbands. And not only is that how the first Passion Stage host started, it's also how the second one started. Seriously, first was Ephesians 5.22, second is Colossians 3.18. Check my mouth, it was an article called 40 plus biblical verses about love on biblestudytools.com and and even when that list stepped away from the naked unapologetic misogyny they were still stuck with banalities like i am my beloveds and my beloved is mine and he who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the lord seriously that's what they presented i I didn't go to look how shitty the Bible quotes about love are dot com.

I went to a list curated by Christians and offered up presumably as a resource for Christians that want to slip a Bible quote into their vows or something. And the vast majority of the 40 plus passages they found had nothing to do with humans loving each other. they found had nothing to do with humans loving each other. And more than one of them defines the pinnacle gesture of love as killing your own kid. Hell, not only should that drive a stake in the heart of the perfect word of God claim, but it should end all of that. But it is a great work of literature shit, too. It's just not. You know, it's a it's a historically important work with enough great literature to fill a pamphlet with small type and if you look to it for marital advice the best you're going to come across is a passage towards the end that says try not to keep a running tally in your head of every time he pissed you off which is i'll admit great advice but hardly the kind of

thing you'd need an omniscient author to figure out. But unfortunately, pastors nailed down that wedding provider role long ago, and they're stuck with their shitty book regardless. But you know what? I'm not. So on behalf of my newlywed friends who are probably listening to this diatribe on their way home from their honeymoon and going, come on, Noah, that's what you took away from our wedding. I want to close on one of the many quotes the Christians would have to choose from if God had let Shakespeare take the quill. This is from As You Like It and also from My Vows to Lucinda. No sooner met, but they looked. No sooner looked, but they loved. No sooner loved, but they sighed. No sooner sighed, but they asked one another the reason. No sooner knew the reason, but they sighed. No sooner sighed, but they asked one another the reason.

No sooner knew the reason, but they sought the remedy. And in these degrees, they made a pair of stairs to marriage. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the too soft and too hard to mic just right? Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to slip into the Goldilocks zone? Okay, thank you, No Illusions, for finally advocating the medium erection. It's underrated.

Wasting full erection every time. All right, well, on that unusually relevant segue, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week. Hymns. Hey, guys. Are you ready to record? Sometimes I buy loaves of bread just to just to squeeze them. But then I'm ashamed.

So I throw them in the dumpster behind CVS. Dude. What? Oh, yeah. Don't mind him. Eli just found out about four hymns dot com. What's four hys.com? Oh, they're a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men.

They make the difficult or embarrassing medical stuff guys go through so easy to handle. I guess Eli just got a little carried away and feels like all difficult conversations are going to be that easy. I pick my nose, like, whenever I can get away with it. Now, what do you mean that they make it easy? conversations are going to be that easy. I pick my nose like whenever I can get away with it. Like I've never. What do you mean that they make it easy? Well, thanks to HIMSS, there's no need for awkward in-person doctor visits. For HIMSS connects you to real doctors online, which could save you hours. Plus, it's completely confidential and discreet.

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else. I want to wear fedoras. I want to wear fedoras all the time. Go to forhims.com slash scathing. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash scathing. Forhims.com slash scathing. ForHims.com slash scathing. Making the hard conversations easy. Sorry, just circling back. Fedoras? I look like a sexy detective. No, you do not. No. Uh-uh.

I do. Hmm. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, I have a new favorite movie of all time. Now, it's only a minute and 40 seconds long. It's very avant-garde, but it is delightful. It's the video footage of megachurch pastor Perry Stone leading his congregation in prayer by speaking in tongues that, of course, they don't understand.

I was always confused by this. I mean, nor does anyone understand it because it's, again, just random noises. Now, we've seen these before, but this one is different. It's not just your normal grown-up human being who is not a professional jazz singer trying to scat in faux Aramaic. Unlike all those other ones we've seen, in the middle of this improvised seizure sermon, Perry Stone picks up his cell phone and reads a text message

while trying to keep making random noises. And he's doing both of these things at about, you know, third grade level, both random noises and reading. So doing both of these things at about, you know, third grade. So it does not go well. Oh, it is one of the most amazingly cringeworthy things I've seen. And my aunt failed to lead a spontaneous song at my grandmother's funeral. Let's go Bosnian.

Imagine, let's go bosnic imagine imagine if somebody tried to walk and chew bubble gum and wound up biting the ground that's the video we've got that's it yeah so first of all everyone pause the podcast watch this video the link will be in the show notes. But for everyone who's driving right now or you can't pause, I'll give you a quick reenactment. He's doing the standard auctioneer for Jesus thing. And then his brain tries to do two things, and it just does not work out at all. He's like, you know, standard thing. I thank God. I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray.

Deliverance. Deliverance. And then the text pops up and it's just I got a text. Did I say that out loud? Fuck. Something. Something. Jesus. out loud fuck uh something something jesus scrolling it's priceless i'm not exaggerating no like almost no exaggeration there i've seriously watched this video maybe 50 times

it's my goddamn the last 30 seconds is my ring. It sounds like at a certain point when he's actually reading the text and he's giving up entirely, it sounded like Eli taking a shit. Also, keep in mind, all he had to keep doing was nonsense. He fails at gibberish.

Eli does speak in tongues when he's shitting by the way that's true so the uh go through what i go through when you take the video ended up going somewhat viral last week and even got mentioned by stephen colbert during his show and word of this national media attention including stephen colbert it got back to perry stone who proceeded to delete the original video don't worry it's still available if you want it that's how the internet works yeah that is how internets work yep and he put up an angry response in its place read giant obvious lie so now he's claiming that the text was about his pastor friend whose wife has cancer oh bullshit

yeah yeah exactly because he's an eight-year-old making yeah right answer mom friend pastor fuck you even if it were true which it's not you stop generating the holy spirit to answer an important text right or you'd figure the holy spirit would be like dude just just give it a second i'm popping back out like you don't seem to be aware just take your text yeah and in geiger geiger burning bright news tonight if you've been asking yourself what a cop in america has to do to be convicted of murder. Turns out it's walk into somebody else's home off duty and shoot him dead with zero provocation. And even then you only get sentenced to 10 years in prison,

which you might only have to serve half of. So he was coming at her with vanilla ice cream. It was very intimidating. Right. Remember boys and girls, when you're considering a murder way that against that presidential administration and a half worth of punishment you might be facing if you get caught.

Yeah, and if you're a black person who doesn't want to get shot, make sure your apartment doesn't have a confusing rectangle door just like your neighbor's door. Especially if she's a cop who gets tired to the point of shootiness.

Jesus. If 2019 was a movie judge dread would turn it off right no gross so yeah but no but good news former dallas police officer uh amber geiger was found guilty of murder last week and the lenience as hell sentence by the way wasn't the only thing the judge did wrong in this case because in addition to the decade in prison judge tammy kemp also sentenced her to be a christian apparently after the sentencing the judge gave geiger a big old hug a bible and instructions on how to use it the instructions did not include hollowing it out by the way and hiding a rock hammer in it well hopefully amber geiger reads the book and learns a valuable lesson her victim did not wake up from the gunshot within 48 hours and that's a

sinful way to treat a black person exactly right no it does it does mention that so obviously the freedom from religion foundation filed a formal complaint against kemp for this egregious first amendment violation uh and and while we'd have had no issue at all if they sent it in the form of a Chet Chetley make it Muslim skit, they instead chose the more standard approach, writing in part, quote, even were Geiger an avowed devout Christian, the gesture would still have been inappropriate and unconstitutional because Judge Kemp was acting in her official government capacity, end quote. because Judge Kemp was acting in her official government capacity, end quote. Wow.

Yeah, this is ridiculous. I really hope the judge for her, like, parole hearing is going to be like, wow, so you really seem to be struggling. You really do. Here's a copy of Mein Kampf. Parole denied. Struggle in jail. Stay there.

And in transubstantiated news tonight, right-wing religious bigots got some science wrong this week okay uh super vague right sorry uh right wing religious bigots got some science wrong about trans people this week still not narrowing it down okay right wing religious bigots got some science wrong about trans people in a way that sounds a little smarter than usual and is therefore being spread by the merely stupid this week. All right. Sure. Why not? OK. All right.

So here's the story. This week, religious bigots at those bastions of journalism, the Daily Wire, the Christian Post and LifeSite News posted several articles warning that the drugs used to prevent puberty in trans kids like luprin have resulted in thousands of adult deaths based on data from the fda averse effect reporting system which uh side note is so close to ending up with the acronym fears that you just know they had to change some shit last minute they were really all right what about pharmaceutical adverse news information collection system panics nope okay uh that fears or panics we'll go with fairs got it yeah right so as will surprise nobody religious assholes like ben shapiro michael bose and show favorite matt walsh

shared these articles and they gained a little bit of attraction outside of bigot circles because they were using data from a reputable source yeah fortunately those guys only get traction when they use good sources it would be terrible well yeah but to be clear they weren't though right they were using data from the christ Post and LifeSite News. Data doesn't stay reputable when you strain it through liars. You know, it's like how lunch stops being lunch after it's shit. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Noah's colon is a liar. However, as Dr. Joshua Safer, inaugural president of the United States Professional Association for Transgender Health, pointed out, the fares isn't a study. It's just a bunch of reports, which is why the FDA puts giant fucking warnings all over this information, telling people not to draw conclusions from these reports. to draw conclusions from these reports. Further, as none of the aforementioned articles mentioned, Lupron and other drugs like it aren't just used as puberty blockers. They're also used to prevent the spread of prostate cancer. And they don't always work.

So it's kind of like Matt Walsh and Ben Shapiro decided to tell you that Tylenol kills millions of people a year because of how often they give it out at emergency rooms. Yeah. 100% of Lupron users will go on to literally die. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, to be clear, by his logic, the leading cause of death in America, I believe, is going to the hospital. Birth. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And I bring this article up for a couple of reasons. One, it's important to remember and remind people that this like anti-trans rhetoric always gets its start and its funding from religion. And two, even well-meaning allies are often grossly misinformed about what puberty blockers do, how dangerous they are, and how essential they are to a lot of young trans people's health and well-being. And three, as Hemant Mehta

over at the Friendly Atheist blog pointed out, it wasn't just bigots who shared these articles. So as skeptics, there may never be a more important time for us as a community to advocate for real science about trans issues in the same way we need to advocate for real science about trans issues in the same way we need to advocate for real science about vaccines and they're not being bigfoot. And one of the ways that we can do that is by educating ourselves, because if we don't, well, you might end up doing the work of religious bigots for them. Yeah, right. Like, keep in mind that learning what the fuck you're talking about is step one, two, three and four of the wholeots for them. Yeah, right. Like, keep in mind that learning what the fuck you're talking about

is step one, two, three, and four of the whole skeptic thing. Yeah. Shut the fuck up for most people is the theme here, yeah. And on that note, we're going to pause for a word from our second sponsor this week,

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Yeah, that's worse than being behind a tourist on an escalator. Well, luckily, I have Honey, the free browser extension that saves you time and money when shopping online. Honey scans the internet for coupon codes and other discounts. Then, like magic, it automatically applies the one with the biggest savings to your card at checkout. Ooh, that sounds awesome. It is. It's like opening a brand new bar of soap level amazing. Ooh, or top of a new jar of peanut butter amazing.

Or f***. I don't think Honey is going to want that in their ad either way anna and i just bought a nintendo switch and honey saved us fifty dollars listen there's really no reason not to use honey it's free to use and installs on your computer in just two clicks get honey for free at join honey.com slash scathing that's join honey.com slash scathing. Honey. Almost as good as... Yeah, I think they're going to want us to beep that out too. Well, it is.

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So this week opened up for me with a story about a woman being criminally charged for being topless in her own home. And it kind of went downhill from there. No surprise that this one comes to us from Utah, where Tilly Buchanan and her husband were installing insulation in their garage. So as you can imagine, they're all covered in itchy shit. So they take off some of their clothes to get the itchy shit off. And while Tilly is topless, her stepkids come bounding down the stairs. They're embarrassed because society tells them to be embarrassed. So Tilly decides to make a teaching moment out of it and tells them they shouldn't be any more embarrassed to see her chest than their father's. Well, the goddamn apparatus of state government in Utah never learned that lesson, apparently.

And they filed criminal charges against her for lewdness involving a child, a Class A misdemeanor. If convicted, she'd be on the sex offender registry for the next 10 years. And here's the most fucked up part about this. If the kids had come across porn, or even if their parents had given it to them,

nobody would have said a thing. It would have technically still been illegal, but it would have gone unpunished provided the topless woman was being objectified. And if you're tempted to write the story off by saying, well, sure, it's Utah, I'd like to remind you that nowhere is safe from misogyny. Like, how about my next story from British Columbia, known for, among other things, being significantly more progressive than Burkeville, Utah. This one involves a parade, an anti-abortion group, and little plastic fetuses. That's right. As children lined up along the parade route to celebrate the Chilliwack Harvest Festival, they gathered up candy from most of the floats and toy fetuses with graphic anti-abortion propaganda from one. And that's a fucked up thing to give children but there is a silver lining to this story which is that i now

know you can buy little plastic fetuses and craft time with lucinda just got a lot more interesting hell so did my halloween decorations anyway i've got one more news item for you this week and just to prove this isn't a utah problem or a chwack problem, our next story comes from The Air. You might have seen this one. It's about a woman taking a cross-country flight on Virgin Atlantic who starts getting digital catcalls over the plane's in-flight messaging service. Apparently, some jackasses behind her took a liking and never graduated from the pulling on her pigtails level of flirtation. Well, after a few harassing and outright threatening messages, she sent a message back that read, quote,

I work for a law firm that specializes in online sexual harassment. Enjoy being reported to the airline, end quote. And it turns out that ended it pretty quick. And as much as I like her strategy, I still prefer mine, which would have been loudly telling a flight attendant that was nowhere near me about the assholes in seats 23D through F that were stroking themselves to the in-flight messaging service. Anyway, with a small victory under our belt, I'll wrap up this week and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Thank you, Lucinda.

And in good news tonight, an article published in The Atlantic last month attempted to solve the mystery once and for all of why everyone is so darn atheist all of a sudden. And darn it if they didn't get kind of sort of close to what atheists have been telling them this whole time. So spoiler alert, in case you're wondering, it is not based on how many gods there are that number has remained consistent throughout history yeah that's true yeah so according to author derek thompson there are three major factors at play the marriage of the republican party with the christian right 9 11 and the end of the Cold War. Okay. I mean, I get it, but doesn't it paint kind of a weird picture? Just like, all right, Mr. Gorbachev tore down that wall. Time to worry about extremist bigots and eventually other extremist bigots. Check on the first one.

Cool. Yeah. So before I criticize this article too much, I do want to say they got a lot of what they say in it right, right? They mentioned the internet, which in my opinion is a way bigger source of atheism than the Cold War, but that's just me. But the examples they give for the internet are, I want to say a little dated.

They mention literally self-guided Buddhist meditations and atheist Reddit boards as their sources of atheism. And again, to their credit, the other thing they get right is the fact that Republicans became the party of religious extremism, which is definitely a factor for nuns as well as atheists. Well, yeah, but OK, so by the numbers that the author himself presents, the rise begins in the mid 90s. Right. Cold War ended in 91 91 9-11 happened in 2001 religious right shit ramped up in the late 70s early 80s like it seems like a whole article of a guy looking for the glasses that are on top of his head but then in the middle of the article he finds the glasses and keeps looking for them he does he very much he's like well these aren't

them these are bottle caps connected but I don't know what these are. One of the places that I really take issue with the article, however, and you see this a lot in mainstream media, is the sort of over emphasis on 9-11. Like, yes, 9-11 gave rise to some of the atheism's more popular authors, but it's also a pretty damn insulting hypothesis that it took unicorn hunters crossbowing our dad for us to realize that unicorns aren't real i don't know i mean it's not very flattering but i think it is somewhat accurate yeah it took brown colored unicorn yeah yep yeah and getting mad about that is super duper american this all hope this all makes sense. Oklahoma City didn't do it, strange enough. Yeah, it's hard to argue that it wasn't the impetus for us to speak the fuck up. Like, I didn't believe in any fewer gods post 9-11, but people sure as hell heard about it more.

Yeah. Yeah. And then finally, while the article sort of makes passing mention of it here and there, it takes no real time to acknowledge that part of the increase in the identification of nuns is that it's just downright safer to identify as such. Now, yeah, like we reported on several politicians this year who had to pretend not to be atheist to get elected. We still have yet to get a single openly atheist congressman. And while I appreciate the shout out from Are We Sure Trans Kids Are Real magazine, it might serve them well to remember elected we still have yet to get a single openly atheist congressman and while i appreciate the

shout out from are we sure trans kids are real magazine it might serve them well to remember that they are kind of part of a problem yeah and have been for a while by the way we did have one openly atheist congressman we don't anymore but we did at one point we lost him yeah we lost him he became jewish and he's dead next up in headlines union theological seminary in new york city proudly announced last week that they had their students and faculty confess their sins to some plants which i guess it worked out perfectly because christianity was holding a stupidity contest between progressive christians like union seminary and evangelical christians and it looks like they lost christianity

lost its contest to itself everybody lost the progressive christians literally talked to some plants and the evangelical christians got mad at them for talking to the plants okay not everyone lost we of the point and laugh side of things we really won this is yeah it was yeah we live in a country where they're allowed to like drive and vote though i don't know i think everybody everybody lost win some you lose some yeah lose some so here's what this institution for allegedly higher education actually spent time and money doing first of all they brainstormed for a while and figured out where they could find a bunch of plants all in one place um the answer they came up with was indoors. So they bought some potted plants and put them all in a little cluster in the middle of a room.

And then they realized that this was stupid because, of course, there wasn't any dirt. Sure. So they bought some dirt in bags and spread out a big pile of dirt on the floor in that room. And then they realized the pots were already full of dirt. But it was too late. They already paid for the loose dirt. So they stuck with the plan. And then they started confessing to the plants.

But something still wasn't quite working. And that's when they realized they weren't getting good enough audio. So they brought in some microphones and hooked them up to a sound system to make sure the plants could hear the confessions properly. Oh, don't you want to just bring in Peter, right? Like St. Peter, hey, hey, Pete, check out what the church becomes in like 2,000 years. Congrats, bud, you did it. They becomes in like 2,000 years. Congrats, bud. You did it. They're talking to plants.

How's that? St. Peter's like, whew. I was afraid they'd be persecuting gay people and justifying misogyny with it. But I'm kidding, though. He wouldn't be afraid of that. He would not. He would be very proud. But seriously, folks, keep doing that. So the general idea from Union Seminary was to honor the life-sustaining organisms that we often forget about.

And I guess there's some kind of like positive sentiment in there. It's stupid, but I get what they're going for. But I'm guessing the plants don't really feel very honored. You think? A bunch of creepy kids at a seminary walked up to these plants and were like, I'm masturbated to a side boob from a movie that I paused. The plants are probably just annoyed at this point. That's obnoxious. That's true.

And if history tells us anything, stick around, because in like a couple of years, we're going to find out those plants fucked a bunch of kids. A bunch of kids. Pedophilia, they call it. Phenomenal. And my favorite part of this is the way that evangelicals got angry about the plant talking because talking to plants is pagan yeah not

because it made them look dumb right yeah but it's confusing because honoring plants is also a conservative value. Plants breathe carbon dioxide. Well, they breathe it in. And which political party is all about putting more carbon dioxide into the air out there? Republicans, conservatives. So maybe Union Seminary is doing God's work to help the plants and the GOP. Just like Jill Stein. Yeah.

And on that note, we'll bring the headlines to a close. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Eli will watch an important video about how not to behave around the live show crowd this weekend. Maybe. Hey there, listener. Who, me?

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Okay, but how much is this podcast going to cost me? It's free because it's a podcast. Oh, right, yeah. American Elections Wicked game is out now subscribe today on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you're listening right now or you can just find a link in the episode notes oh do they cover the time when andrew jackson they sure do nice Nice. It's a sad statement about American history that you only have to go a half dozen decades back before there's no discernible difference between educational film and religious propaganda, which we'll be demonstrating with today's installment of God Awful Minis.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right. We watched How Much Affection? Question mark. It's the story of an extremely sexual list of sandwich ingredients. That is what I remember. I think I blanked out for the rest. I think it's about distracting yourself from sex with sandwiches.

And it worked on me. I think, is that what you guys got from it? And Eli, how bad was this mini? Well, if you love the tension of old black and white murder mysteries, but you wish the mystery was

whether or not to do hand stuff, you will love this movie. Finger kiss, kiss, bang, bang. Yeah, there you go. And we should be clear that this isn't brought to us by In Jesus' Holy Name Ministries LLC or whatever. This is from fucking McGcgraw hill right still one

of the largest publishers of educational material in the world so as we go through this keep in mind this wasn't enough to bring them down folks yeah they told us about that too they're like real publisher for like a two-minute screen yeah right right no they wanted us to know all right so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at yeah given my great and unmatched wisdom i'd have to say sandwiches sandwiches are amazing in this i can't i was i got so hungry i had to leave at one point it's no it is it is a best worst sandwich yeah yeah absolutely all right so i was going to go with best worst meeting there's a point in this movie video where whatever where a bunch of people have to meet together for something sort of perfunctorily to push the plot along so i'm

giving this best worst meeting even though i've been on meetings with eli and andrew where andrew intentionally dropped his phone into a toilet in order to later establish plausible deniability. Right? Adorable. This is still worse. I was going to go with best worst consequences. So spoiler alert. This movie is about.

Were there? Don't fuck until we tell you to. But because it's about 1913. Or whenever this fucking movie was made. The consequences are like like you'll miss that last year of high school and then then you can have all the babies you fucking want but imagine imagine missing prom because of your careless ways yeah all right so yeah so we open up on the aforementioned two minute title screen that informs us that a

real sociologist signed off on this shit yeah if you ever get mad at your parents for sucking you got to remember that this was their sexual education right this wasn't fake religious doctors like legit doctors were like yeah if a finger gets in there you'll catch the gayness i'm the head of harvard yeah also by the way that head of harvard or wherever it was it was a state professor of sociology they said that specifically do we have those like not a private one yeah what distinction were they trying to make i think it's like a state bird you know it's like the condor and yeah, right, right. The old Schmidt sociologist of Idaho. Great.

Okay. Steve. Cool. All right. So we cut to a rural street late at night, and this sweet-ass 1950s dinosaur drinker pulls up. Mary runs out because every female character in a movie from this era was named Mary. Mary runs out of the car, and date is chasing her down, apologizing. I wrote in my notes, quick, get her.

She's escaping. Yeah, well, that's what it played like, right? Oh, yeah. And if you sprint somebody down, especially if you're a man and she's a woman, but just in general, if you sprint somebody down, especially to apologize, you're in a cycle of failure. You're going to have to keep at it it's not gonna go well like he's running after and she's she might as well like fumble for her keys a whole bunch like a horror movie you got to realize you're the bad guy there yeah so yeah so he he apologizes uh on the uh doorstep she slams the door on his face so he is not going to get laid tonight. She's like, I'm on base. I'm inside the building now. It's 1957. Dating is involuntary

tag, but I won. I'm safe. I'm safe. And then we cut inside in this terrible edit that suggests their home has some sort of airlock entryway thing. So she has to go upstairs because everyone coming home from a date in a movie lives in a two-story house. So she goes upstairs.

Why? That's true. Yeah. And then the fella, Jeff, we see him outside wondering what he did wrong. And I'm like, you weren't famous enough. You have to be famous

for them to let you get away with it. Yeah, he needed to do, you know this actor needed 15 takes to do sadly walk away you could just tell it from the performance like dragging a foot no man it doesn't give you a it's fine don't say wow that's not gonna help don't play your own trombone come on all right so mary goes to sulk in her room but but mom comes in to talk to her. Yeah. And this,

they have this amazing conversation where it's like, mom, do you remember when you talked to me about sex and vague and confusing euphemisms that danced around the subject so much that you couldn't actually give me any substantive advice? Let's do that again. Yeah. Do you remember? It was like 25 years ago because I'm a 40 year old person that's in high

school. Apparently in this movie yeah no question because this is where we get the first close-up of mary when did they stop making quadruple thickness eyebrows is it like an oreo thing they were a limited release they still make them they still make they indeed still make them thank you they're naturally occurring in a lot of people you're weird but yeah so she's telling mom she likes Jeff an awful lot. But tonight she started getting wet and she's pretty sure that makes her a whore. Yeah.

But again, even though this movie is about not accidentally fucking, her dialogue only makes sense if this conversation is about turning into a werewolf. And it might be because they never mentioned anything remotely connected to fucking no no when werewolfism becomes rampant in 2020 because trump drops a jar of something into the water supply we will be able to reuse this movie but the subtext is very clear that she was like very confused because she almost fucked this guy who this film noir character that mom thinks was trying to like murder her a second ago and she's just like yeah so i like sneezed from my front butt i don't know what happened is that

normal mom then he said he was sorry yeah and then we get into a very upsetting moment here yeah yeah then we get this disturbing line where where the mom has to go now but do you think that it was all jeff's fault literal that's the fucking line gross like sounds like you silently consented daughter fuck you see we live in the city see, and according to Levitical law, I've got to stone you both. You've got to yell loud enough. Someone would hear you. Yeah, so mom sits down like she's going to recall that time she was 17 and she met Raul. But no, it's, you know, it's, again, it's all euphemism.

Right. But we get a close-up of mom here and we realize that mary only has the eyebrows she does because mom donated them to her yeah mom has no eyebrows that are drawn on with katherine hepburn's makeup pencil yeah but so they have this conversation where it's like you know mary's like but mom is it wrong to want to fuck a person that you're attracted to and and mom is like yes it is but eventually don't worry eventually when you turn 18 you can marry someone just because you're a sexually frustrated virgin and everything will be fine this little explanation comes out so dark i felt like it was by accident because mom's like, so at first, yeah, relationships are all fun and games and happiness.

And then time happens. Oh, sorry. That sounded bad. Let me try that one more time. Marriage is what happens after the fun part. Fuck, I'm not selling this. I'm not getting this right. But that's supposed to be the message, right?

Like, it's going to be great. Don't fuck. You'll get married and it'll be the best. But nobody describes marriage as fun throughout this movie. Yeah. Her conclusion is, you know what's really hot? Judgment. Nothing's hotter than judgment.

Yes. And when you don't fuck, then you'll know you're a real grown up. All right. So mom and Mary hug it out uh we cut to the next day where mary has to see jeff at school and boy that's super awkward and i say it's super i mean like in the movie but also for us because holy shit do they give us three minutes of him trying to talk to her and not quite getting there yep but yeah this awkwardness is long and excruciating. He just walks in.

He's like, hello, how's high school for you? She's like, good. You? Good. You? It's like 20 minutes of good you. Then he walks behind her for another five minutes and he stops and stares behind her. And she's like, are you staring at me in silence?

And he's like, no, I'm all the way around now okay don't don't be weird yeah and so he starts this awkward apology where he's like and i just want you to know i don't think of you as that kind of girl which i can only assume means heterosexual the kind that has sex look just to be, I don't think you're the kind of person who likes to fuck. It's me. I wanted to fuck. You hate fucking. I bet. I would.

Man, this is not a good approach. Oh, man, I wish you made me throw up. I wish we were reptiles and you could just lay eggs and I would separately come on. I would do that for you Paul Lind who's the head of the drama club he never has these problems oh so

yeah no okay but luckily for them and for us who have to listen to this boring ass conversation everyone who works at the student paper except for them travels together in a gaggle I guess a gaggle of old-timey rabble rebels yeah exactly they literally walk in being like banana oil shoes and stripes

yeah so they all come in skippy calls the final meeting of the school newspaper team to order and i love this goddamn meeting so much it's the fucking best because basically they all sit around for a while going man this issue is gonna fucking suck it's a shame eileen got knocked up because she did good cartoons oh yeah eileen was the best too bad she's a harlot now and then everybody in the meeting is like agree agree horse slut scarlet letter i said horse slut someone uh read the meetings from last week aline's a horse slut all right man we're done no we're just i was recapping we're on the same page so speaking of horse slut yeah so and somebody's like wow i'm sure glad i didn't knock some girl up that dude could have been a lawyer but now he has to take any job he can get this is a problem

with him and not with our society yeah they're talking about us like a an 18 year old mom and immediately they're like well i really feel bad for fred the dad because you know that's rough like he had to give up on being a man in 1957 which is like super cool and awesome oh so she's just still a woman so whatever same samesies basically and then because they have to end this fucking scene after they call her a horse slut for a little while somebody's like oh you know what i just remembered i've got plenty of cartoons in my drawer problem solved and they're like oh all right meeting is done great wonderful paper's done there's literally nothing else to discuss goodbye everybody yeah 75 of that meeting was talking about how good it was that jeff and mary didn't fuck last night i guess yeah they're walking out just like hey mary last thing eileen's a

horse slut did you hear me say that you didn't ignore okay i know you got it i noticed you're typing could you just type in horse slut there whatever type it onto your thing note it it seems relevant to your life i don't know that it is but i feel like it is put it in the minutes so where's the byline on those cartoons all right so then jeff walks mary home and damn it if they don't run across the horse-slaughter self, Eileen. And I love, okay, this actress was giving it her all. She's just pushing this baby stroller down the road with the dead eyes of a goddamn zombie.

Method actress, woman in the 1950s. Yeah, right. This was terrifying. Yeah, they're like, oh, is that Eileen eileen our high school friend who's now a horse mom and they was like well maybe but possibly a zombie mom from a haunted house pushing her prop baby home because that's what it looks like more oh no it is eileen fuck should we cross it's i don't want to talk to her well and then we get Eileen's internal monologue where she's like, I wonder if they'll avoid me like a biblical leper.

They probably should. And they try to. What's the boyfriend's name? Jeff, yeah. Jeff literally starts doing like whistle, whistle, whistle, moving my head around. But they still like pass Eileen and start talking and he's clearly like, alright. I mean that was pretty clear from my whistling that we'd pass

without walking. That was a pretty obvious social cue. Horse slut. But they do say hi. They get to see her 1940s milk-fed baby who looks like... Enormous baby head is the note I have here. Tom from Cog Dis in a bassinet. Hi, how's it going?

Can I borrow a cigarette? Sure you can, baby. Oh, speaking of which. All right. So they have this scene where they're like, so how are you and your Fred doing or whatever? And she's saying, oh, yeah, everything's going great. But as she's saying that, we're seeing how bad their life really is. You know, she's pretending that they're doing fine.

But as part of their how bad their life really is thing, they have Fred, the actor playing this girl's husband, smoking a cigarette next to the baby. That was the 1950s. We just had like for the purposes of making an educational film. They said, light a cigarette up next to that baby. Yeah. Three guys tried to vape out of their asshole and we declared a national emergency this year. This is an educational film

and a guy is sharing a cigarette with his baby slash ashtray. Changing a diaper at the same time, rolling the walls with lead paint at the same time. It'll be fine. Put on your asbestos bib, kid. And of course, Eileen wanders off. They tell her, you know, like, oh, yeah, you know,

the school paper's going to have a big party that you can't go to because you'll be too busy sewing and watching your husband waste away in suicidal depression. And then she wanders off thinking, boy, do I wish abortion was legal back then all right but now we're treated to some white dancing nice uh you know just in case this was getting a little too sad for you we get some white dancing as we go on to the school paper party we jitterbug by ova are unfertilized this is so fun that's the party we're at i love to when it switches to

the slow dance i love that they pan past that one lonely fucker playing with his jacket buttons yeah it's like dude just get out of the shots no uh no you know what 1950s heath you stay in the shot really because literally everyone else is in a couple it won't be weird just doing a fun jacket button bit I'm really looking for somebody over the top of it I'm trying to find somebody shut up so songs over thank fucking God okay okay now I can go back to my frantic drunken jumping jacks

yeah all right so Mary and Jeff step outside to appreciate all that not Now I can go back to my frantic, drunken jumping jacks. Yeah. All right. So Mary and Jeff step outside to appreciate all that not fucking they've been doing. And then Jeff goes to pop the question. Right. Yep. Which is, Mary, will you wear my school ring? What? Yeah, man.

This is a big step. That's high school married. I guess they get to fuck now. I guess they get to fuck now. I think they get to fuck now, right? I wanted her to put it on. It gives her the power to tip less than 15%. Oh! School ring.

Alright, but this fucking party ended at 10pm sharp, apparently. We got to the end of the party where the guy's standing out of the porch thanking everyone for coming as they leave like you do at high school parties. I actually like that. Whoever hosted this was just like, party is over exactly right now. Everybody get the fuck out.

Thank you. I like that honesty. There's always that group who's lingering and you're like, all right, I'm pretty tired. I'm going to go. You have pretty tired. I'm going to go. You have to leave before I'm going to go. You have to leave. What time is it? So much later than it was when I asked that 10 minutes ago.

Wow. You're not interesting, leave. What? It's crazy. All right, so Mary and Jeff Lee, but they're also taking their really fucky friends home and the double date doesn't want to go home

they want to go to fuck point and make out together so they get a bunch of peer pressure about how Mary and Jeff should go fuck too if they really like each other and was this a thing that people did in couples like I know the going and parking thing but did you just like divide the car in half and fuck next to your friends?

Because that's surprisingly woke for the time period. Yes, you absolutely. I don't know if they did in the 50s, but yes, as I was growing up, yes, you definitely sometimes the guy in the. And then they made bucket seats and fucked it all up. But, you know, whatever. I'm not bitter. Feels like a weird ruiner of the moment to just. There's got to be a lot of accidental eye contact that happened situations no not bad seating you're down they're

down you know you could hear but you know i like to do the intentional eye contact i just think it's interesting so check in with each other so often yeah yeah a lot of performance anxiety that comes with that i will say you know you don't want to finish first all right so they drop off their fucky friends their fucky friends are really disappointed that there won't be any fucking fine we're gonna go fucking a bush we're gonna go fucking a bush he even says to him he's like he's like don't wait up for me i'll be in this bush fucking her jerkingking off one. God damn it. So Jeff drives Mary home.

They get to her place, and she invites him to come up for a sandwich. Oh, Heath Enright's dream girl died in the 1990s. We didn't know. I was so excited. I was like, oh, man, yeah, that's marry this person. Sandwich? Great. Love it.

So, yeah, so they go into the house she's like you can meet my parents but it turns out her parents are gone and won't be back until 2 a.m mom and dad want those two to fuck right they're sending a very clear message go ahead and fuck jeff she said they're out with the wilsons they They won't be back till two, which means that there is no chance that mom and dad are not fucking the Wilson. All right. So Mary puts on some music and then she starts just digging in on Heath. Right. This becomes Heath ASMR.

Heath, right? This becomes Heath ASMR. She starts asking what he wants on his sandwich and she just starts listing like fucking Scooby Doo and shaggy ingredients and shit. Oh, it's the best. At first she says, what do you want on your sandwich? And he's like, I don't know. What do you want on your sandwich? I was so excited. I was like, ask for Italian combo. It sounds like she has everything. And she does start listing what she has which is a decent amount of things she literally says i've got ham tomato cucumber and she's saying it all playfully i was so into it bacon peanut butter and that doesn't sound good to normal people but i was just

so fucking excited and it got very sexual my my note, honestly, on that, I have exactly that line written out. What do you want on your sandwich? I have ham, tomato, cucumber, bacon, peanut butter. My note is I can only imagine how turned on Heath is in this moment. Oh, amazing. That's like, what's the Elvis sandwich? It's got like the bacon and the banana and the peanut butter. Peanut butter and banana. Yeah, something like that.

And marshmallow flop in there too. Why not? Get some roughage, cucumber. I don't know. Sure. Mix it up. Alright, but then after all of that setup they don't even have a fucking sandwich. They start making out. It's the real cock tease of this movie. We were promised a hoagie, dammit.

A 1950s hoagie. A fucking Dagwood here. Yeah. But then, okay, so, but now Mary, as they're, like, making out and slow dancing together, Mary is hearing her mom's voiceover telling her not to fuck him, and Jeff is hearing himself in voiceover, apparently. Luke, use the force. I mean, don't you? Well, there won't be a lot of consequences if, use the force. I mean, don't you?

There won't be a lot of consequences if you use the force. It's the 1950s. Oh, God. Use oil and vinegar instead of mayo for fucking. And the sandwiches.

Vinegar keeps it quick. And that's it, by the way. The movie's over. Did they fuck? You decide, right? All right. Well, quick before anybody acknowledges the existence of condoms or abortion, I guess we can wrap this up, but we'll be back soon with another

God Awful Mini. God awful many. Before we return our seat backs to their upright position, I want to remind you one last time about the citation needed live record in New York. It's this weekend. So if you've been putting off getting your ticket to the last minute, you've been putting it off until now. Go do that and do it quick because there's like seven of them left.

Probably fewer by the time you hear this. There is a link in the show notes, of course. Anyway, that's all the Blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this episode would be embarrassed to show its face in our archives if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for letting it all hang out. Eli Bosnick for not letting it all hang out.

And Lucinda Lutions for always letting me take the window seat. I also need to thank Vice Rhino's daughter for providing this week's adorable Farnsworth quote. Seems like a pretty smart kid. Already learned more than Ray Comfort has in seven decades. But most all, of course, I need to thank this week's most humectant humans. It means the ability to preserve moisture, guys. I'm 34 347 episodes in i'm running out of new words andrew dave clay keith drew adrian phantom foreskin file id.diz you ben steampunk chimblee sweep wouter pavacina and liz andrew dave clay keith and drew whose condoms have to be assembled

at sea adrian phantom foreskin file id.diz and hue whose iqs cause many people to ask is that written in binary and ben steampunk chimbley sweep, Wouter Pavacina and Liz, who are so cool that going down on them can give you an ice cream headache. Together, these 14 phenomenal fuckers foisted funds on our foul-mouthed fulminations this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has money, but if you do, you should give some to us. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving all your money to not be broke later, you can also help a ton by following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter and leaving us a five-star review everywhere they let you do that.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdias.com. All right, so I have to tell you guys about this, about me threatening to fuck the groomsmen at this wedding in Tulsa. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC.

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