The Scathing Atheist - 348: Gorbellied Mumpsimus Edition

Episode Date: October 17, 2019

In this week’s episode, Noah is overwhelmed by a cornucopia of a$$holery, Heath starts picturing William Barr's prolapsed a$$hole as a cornucopia...and Mike Pompeo's as another one, and Eli starts thinking of ways we could make that happen. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Mike Pompeo on being a Christian Leader: https://www.timesofisrael.com/us-secretary-of-state-delivers-contentious-speech-on-being-christian-leader/ The Right-Wing “Values Voter Summit” Is What Happens When Hate Throws a Party: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/12/the-right-wing-values-voter-summit-is-what-happens-when-hate-throws-a-party/ Melbourne may put signs near lawbreaking churches warning kids of danger inside: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/12/melbourne-may-put-signs-near-lawbreaking-churches-warning-kids-of-danger-inside/ Alt-Right Activist Joey Gibson Caught Raising Funds Through Untraceable Church: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/12/alt-right-activist-joey-gibson-caught-raising-funds-through-untraceable-church/ Pat Robertson says the death penalty is "absolutely biblical": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/12/pat-robertson-the-death-penalty-is-absolutely-biblical/ Pat Robertson says Trump may lose the "Mandate of Heaven" if he abandons the Kurds: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/08/pat-robertson-trump-may-lose-the-mandate-of-heaven-if-he-abandons-the-kurds/ Pretend researchers say religion is the best way to overcome addiction: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10943-019-00876-w These Expensive “Jesus Shoes,” Which Come With Holy Water, Are Selling Out: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/10/these-expensive-jesus-shoes-which-come-with-holy-water-are-selling-out/

Warning, this week's profanity contains a podcast. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com and by Mango Nectar, a perfectly acceptable beverage, unlike milk. And now, The Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday. It's October 17th. And it's Payback-A-Friend Day. I said I'll give you the money. I have no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Jared Kushner's New Jersey. How dare you. Cincinnati Swing State. And Good Husband Georgia. This is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Noah is overwhelmed by a cornucopia of assholery.

Heath starts picturing William Barr's prolapsed asshole as a cornucopia and Mike Pompeo's as a second one. And Eli starts thinking of ways we could make that happen. But first, the diatribe. William Barr is such a conchamelious, gore-bellied mumpsimus

that I had to go out and learn new fucking words to find ones to insult him with. I just felt like using words I'd already used to describe some other asshole wouldn't do the trick in this instance. So let me break that down for you. Conchumelius means acting in a scornful, insulting manner. Check. Gore-bellied is one of those words that hardly needs to be defined, even if you've never heard it. But the etymology is important here because it's not a fat shaming thing the word gore before it took on a modern meaning was a synonym for dung so literally gore-bellied means person made corpulent by being full of shit and mumsimus

well there's a word that ran towards me across the beach at sunset and leapt into my arms as a string quartet swelled in the background merriam-Webster has it as a bigoted adherent to an exposed but customary error. But I prefer Wikipedia's more verbose definition. Someone who obstinately clings to an error, bad habit or prejudice, even after the foible has been exposed and the person humiliated. So, yeah, might not be the word that Gotham deserves deserves but it's the word that gotham needs because over the weekend our attorney general the chief law enforcement officer in the united states of goddamn america gave a closed-door speech at notre dame in which he blamed depression

mental illness suicide drug addiction drug overdose and senseless violence on militant secularism. And pay special attention to the last two because I'm talking about the guy who, more than anyone else in the fucking country, is directly responsible for protecting the citizenry from violence and drug overdose. And he thinks it's your fault for not being Christian enough. Let's be super clear on that. He's blaming you. It's be super clear on that. He's blaming you. It's your fault we have depression. Right?

Those filthy militant secularists will probably spin some fanciful yarn about faulty neurochemical mood regulation, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, and adverse effects of medication. But our Attorney General knows better. He knows the real cause of depression is your stubborn refusal to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

It's your fault we have mental illness. Mental illness. Now, the militant secularists have a whole academic field devoted to throwing people off the scent on this one. Subfields, academic journals, symposiums, hospitals, whole branch of the pharmaceutical industry, all there to pin the blame for mental illness on God's perfect creation. But William Pelham Barr sees through all of it. It's your fault we have a record number of drug overdoses.

The militant secularists will probably tell you it's because predatory pharmaceutical companies and the complacency of the regulatory agency is meant to oversee them. But Bill Barr knows it's really because you don't love Jesus enough, so God is punishing you by killing unemployed Republicans in Kentucky. And I can't stress this enough. We're not talking about some bullshit Pat Robertson said to all the old ladies that haven't figured out how to change the channel on their fancy new TV yet.

This is the goddamn attorney general speaking to the student body at a law school. And he literally named every societal ill he could think of off the top of his head. And blamed it on people who don't sufficiently share his religious convictions. In the ongoing effort to ensure the Trump administration's rhetoric contains every single bullet point uttered by Pope Urban II's call to arms in the first crusade, the head of the Justice Department has now blamed violence itself on secularism. But it gets so much fucking worse because Bill Barr wants to make it clear this isn't just some natural deterioration of Christian values. It's not something they're doing wrong.

It's an organized effort by the secularists who are hell-bent on increasing suicide levels and drug overdoses. You know, like most of my diatribes are about. He said, quote, this is not decay. This is organized destruction. Secularists and their allies have marshaled all the forces of mass communication, popular culture, the entertainment industry, and academia in an unremitting assault on religion and traditional values, end quote. Think about what a simplistic, absurd universe this slum-guzzling gudgeon lives in, where all the complexed and nuanced problems that vexed whole generations of sociologists can be boiled down to one astoundingly stupid answer. A one-size-fits-none childish fiction that reduces every real human need to an imaginary one and pines for a long-gone, maximally Christian era that, in real history, is colloquially referred to as the Dark Ages.

And what's Barr's solution to this problem of organized secularism? Well, in the speech, he identifies ground zero of our unrelenting attack on all that is good and holy as public schools. And as we all know, the fight here isn't whether Christian children are allowed to attend schools or to pray in them or to bring their Bibles to them. The fight here is whether the staff of the school is allowed to coerce students into Christianity. The fight is whether or not teachers can lead children in prayer or put up overtly religious paraphernalia in the classroom. It's about whether the school can endorse one religious belief over another.

And that's the fight that he's labeling, quote, the most serious challenge to religious liberty today, end quote. But let's be clear about the reality, because this is a very clear case of the killer accusing the victim of murder. The most serious challenge to religious liberty today in America is William fucking Barr. There's never been a real threat to Christian rights or even Christian supremacy in this country. There's been a slow and frustratingly uneven crawl towards equal rights for non-Christians. And that is the trend that Barr wants to end. He wants to not just stop short of equality, but reverse our gains. But more than anything else, he wants an enemy. He wants a boogeyman. He can pin the blame for all of society's ills on,

especially the ones that it's his job to fix. And when he needed a scapegoat, he turned to you. He blamed you. The attorney general of the U.S. has declared that the real problem with America is you. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the tick and tack to my toe heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to engage in a futile and unwinnable game that nobody really enjoys but persists nevertheless yeah debates with 12 people on stage are fucking fucking agree nevertheless she persisted right we are talking about presidential favorite amy klobuchar klocho crew not so much here on the skating in our lead story tonight

i literally had to decide this week which of the anti-first amendment christian nationalist screeds given by a person in the top 10 of the presidential line of succession on Friday would be the diatribe and which would be the lead fucking story. So weird. Now let's talk about this other mumpsimus. Secretary of State and the member of the potato head family that nobody talks about at Christmas. Mike Pompeo delivered his own speech on Friday. But this one in his official capacity as America's top diplomat, the subject being a Christian leader. Yeah. So it's kind of like if Heath's

speech at the Kentucky Free Thought had been a recipe, but like with poison in it. Yes. Okay. I'm not clear on why anything i've ever said would be similar to anything mike pompeo ever said but regardless maybe i did explain a poison recipe at the kentucky free thought thing you don't know you weren't there you were just like i'm the same fucking jersey don't do this i don't care about you as a person i don't care enough to show up i know you do noah was there lucinda was there so yeah we're listing the people so the guy there running the institution that is by law secular addressed the american association of christian counselors in nashville so

if ever we were going to reintroduce polio there was our chance guys we missed it um but because we missed it the goddamn secretary of state of our, got to emphasize this again, secular government, gave a talk that was all about how being a good Christian informs his decision-making process when he's helping Rudy Giuliani undermine him in a scale of brazen corruption hitherto undreamt of in American politics. ale of brazen corruption hitherto undreamt of in american politics at an official state department event on the day his chief of staff resigned in protest of his corruption well if he needs a new chief of staff i hear giuliani might or might not be looking for a job so isn't that giuliani's got plenty of relevant experience at a company called literally Fraud Guarantee. How does the

client even stay in business now? Yeah, and the best thing about hiring Giuliani is if he goes to jail, you're probably going with him. You won't need him after that. Yeah, you get a buddy. Now, needless to say, Pompeo's speech drew criticism from all the non-Christian quarters, including the former head of the National Jewish

Democratic Council. Jew. Probably, yes, Eli, all the non-christian quarters including the former head of the national jewish democratic council jew probably yes eli who called pompeo's speech quote an affront to our separation of church and state end quote sarah levin probably also jew i i don't think so because she's the director of governmental affairs for the secular coalition of america dubbed it quote proselytization, end quote, and CEO of Americans United for Separation of Church and State and only high school graduate to ever earn the superlative most likely to be a space ranger with a talking animal sidekick. Rachel Lazor points out that, quote,

That's awesome. Isn't it? That's a great name. This is her quote. Posting the speech on the State Department website sends the clear message that U.S. policy will be guided by his personal religious beliefs, end quote. And by the way, if the speech wasn't enough to convince you, you may also be swayed by a quick look at U.S. policy. Nobody expects the American Inquisition.

Yeah, that's what Pompeo says every time he enters a room. Yeah, but it's decreasingly accurate. And it's worth returning for a second to exactly who Mike Pompeo says every time he enters a room. Yeah, but it's decreasingly accurate. And it's worth returning for a second to exactly who Mike Pompeo is. Worse universe, Kevin Spacey. Other than that. Yeah. We were familiar with him on this show long before Trump tapped him to be any goddamn thing for being the Kansas congressman who openly said we were in a holy war against Islam and defined American diplomacy as, quote, a never ending struggle until the rapture, end quote, which is both terrifying and very triggering to the pendant in me that wants to point out that you can't follow a never ending with an until more than it wants to point out that America's top diplomat believes the world's going to end when a crucified carpenter's ghost comes home with a sword sticking out of his gizzard. Anyway, I hate that sentence in all ways. It's close. It's close. We don't need to make a list. It doesn't matter. And in churching news tonight, the right wing hate-a-thon known as the Values Voter Summit kicked off last week in a stark reminder that the reason the bad guys win is because they throw multiple million dollar conferences a year dedicated to taking away

your shitty cousin's stamps. Yeah. Yeah. It's a shame they lied about the wrong like voters. They have values, not so much. Same with value, actually. Yeah. Getting getting specific so in a speaker lineup matched only by a scathing atheist fantasy prison league presenters at the event couldn't have been more gross this includes mark meadows who listeners may remember for going on fox news a couple weeks ago to claim that the ukraine investigation was an attempted coup by Hillary Clinton. What? A coup to steal Hunter Biden's job at that Ukraine gas company? Or is the runner up technically the vice president?

Is that, did we go back to that? I'm cool with that being the rule for like the next year or so. If you want to talk about that another speaker was poorly disguised tom arnold impersonator sebastian gorka who took his speech to encourage attendees to use social media to support the president saying real quote i don't care how old you are i don't care how technically challenged you deem yourself to be if you are not on social media every single day supporting the president you are part of the problem not part of the solution you owe it to donald j trump to be there for him and real quote not adding please don't google me though or you'll find out that I'm literally still a member of the Hungarian Nazi group.

Not a neo-Nazi group like the one that was on Hitler's side during World War II Nazi group. And not added quote. That's weird, though, that a conservative conference would invite a socialist. Yeah, no, they're getting very progressive. I do feel empowered, though, knowing that their strategy relies on the social media skills of the Facebook will take ownership of all your photos at midnight generation, though. That's comforting. I feel safer. But that's not all. Professor, if you don't think about what either of those words mean, Dennis Prager. Least popular Stepford wife model, Michelle Bachman. And convicted traitor, Oliver North.

Oliver North! What? Who, quick reminder, was pushed out of the NRA this year for being too liberal. Yes. We know you were selling arms to those tree hugging shiites and look i'm sure this goes without saying but it is well worth your time as an atheist to listen to some of these speeches or at least read the transcripts for years we have been talking about creeping theocracy but if this past weekend is any indication the christian far right has even

less plans of pretending to tiptoe yeah no no more creeping it's sprinting at this point yeah all right next up in headlines we have some good news out of australia it's not about a semen explosion but but it's not not about that either. OK, everyone who doesn't listen to the skeptocrat is very confused right now. Except one guy with a very interesting story to tell. Right. If you're not clear, definitely Google semen explosion Australia, though. That's a real story that happened.

So here's the one about Australia this week. The state of Victoria recently passed a new bill that's going to make it illegal to ignore allegations of child sex abuse. Seems like that would have already been a law, but apparently not for religious leaders specifically. So at least in victoria the confession booth will no longer be a special i'm on base no consequences zone for pedophile tag i guess that's good yeah a policy made all the more terrifying when you remember that unlike other professions with confidentiality like lawyers and doctors preachers don't do a real thing they need to keep secret. Right. Well, except rape kids, right? Like, that's the most fucked up thing about this story is that we're all picturing a priest confessing to another priest. And he didn't have to say anything about that specifically.

No, did not. But I'm gonna. lawmakers in Victoria finally internalized the idea that the country needed an entire dedicated royal commission to deal with pedophile clergy members. And those lawmakers decided the old tell the cops about pedophiles rule probably shouldn't have an exemption for the exact people who were causing that problem. You know, much like we shouldn't allow people to ignore voter suppression just because of their sincerely held Republican belief in one white, one vote that they have. Hey, I'm just grateful that the two evils haven't combined forces yet. Oh, yeah. Republicans and religion together. That would be terrifying. Yeah, that would be really bad. That'd be really, really bad.

So, again, it's terrifying that this new bill was even necessary, but it's obviously a good thing. And the good thing got even better when Melbourne City Council member Francis Gilley proposed a new way to help enforce the law. This is fantastic. His plan is to ask every church if they're going to go ahead and obey that law. And for the churches that don't say yes, he wants to put up giant signs in front of them that say not safe for kids or maybe safe for pedophiles to confess. Something like that. That second one could actually be useful for law enforcement too.

So good stuff. Regardless, I like this idea of warning labels when it comes to societal carcinogens like churches we need surgeon general warnings on that stuff lots of important warnings really belong out front of these places i mean sure it's a good idea for churches heath but where do you draw the line are you gonna put you should probably just kill yourself outside of every zip line course because yes, yes, let's do that. I want to do that. This is a weird line. So just to be clear, this is a giant problem in the United States, too.

We're aware of that. Yes, ziplining is everywhere. You cannot stop it. Eli, you just absolutely made Eli go ziplining a Patreon goal. Never. You can make that happen, people. That's absolutely never yeah so here in the u.s i get it we have this problem too here here in the states a priest

who hears about child sexual abuse during confession is allowed to keep that a secret we do not have any federal laws against that. We actually have a federal law that theoretically protects that right. And we should probably get a commission of kings and queens or maybe a commission of government leaders who are not from a long line of inbreeding. Probably the second one. Yeah, we should probably get a group together for dealing with that. I thought it was called cops and prosecutors, but apparently that's not doing the trick. Now, another thing. And in alt churches are bad news tonight. Tonight's story presents a little bit of a logic puzzle for us here at the Scathing

Atheist. Gentlemen, here you go. You ready? Is a church better or worse when it's actually just a front to fund a white supremacist? Huh? Huh. All right. Okay. I'm going to say better since the average church funds more than one. Boom. Okay.

That's fair. Well, I believe that's absolutely correct. Well, regardless of our answers, according to the Oregonian, the Church of Faith and Freedom is so free and so faithful, it doesn't exist. It is just a website to put money in the pocket of alt-right asshole Joey Gibson, who listeners may know as the founder of Patriot Prayer, that group of four assholes and 18,000 counter- counter protesters that recently showed up in a big city near you those four assholes just marching along getting tackled out of formation one by one getting replaced with a rabbi i definitely want to see that just like jews will not replace okay okay i see what you did that's pretty good okay that's pretty good that's one for you

right so according to the oregonian despite its go daddy website maker qualifications and photos that are reverse google image search almost guarantee gibson just searched for black people praying quote there is no record of such a church in california oregon or washington according to officials who oversee charities and nonprofits in each state. Its website, registered in May, provides no address, contact information, or list of staff. At least Jacob Wall had his mom's voicemail to that message. They're not as clever or successful as jacob wall yeah wow yeah so online searches show the only reference to the church of faith and freedom comes from social media accounts connected to

gibson or patriot prayer but i'm pretty sure at this point he just needs to sincerely believe that there's a church right it's just a boiler room but with a literal boiler because he didn't get it no phones yeah the article continues quote reached by phone wednesday gibson declined to answer multiple questions about the church of faith and freedom and his connection to it no comment he said What else do you want to ask? That's amazing. What a fucking loser. He's like openly hoping that somebody still wanted to talk to him though, right?

No comment on the first things. You guys see Joker? Any questions about Joker for me? You want to just hang you want to hang out? Let's just talk. Now, I should point out that being a fake church is, you know, a crime. So Jay Gibbity may have sunk himself in hotter water than he was hoping to get himself out of. Okay, but Eli, I think you're missing out on a real opportunity here,

which is at some point in this deception, Joey's going to have to try to pass this church by federal agents. And that is going to be amazing to watch. Oh, wow. Yeah. I wonder what that will be like. That will be like. Uh, hello? Yes, Mr. Gibson, we're here for church oh right right uh church yep this this here's it yeah this is the church here at your home oh what no no this is the church. This double wide right here is a church?

Yeah, well, you know what they say, God's house is a very, very, very fine house. Nope, nope. Crosby, Stills, and Nash song. I'm sorry, what did you guys say your names were again? Oh, I'm Agent Asian Mike. They call me Asian Mike. Asian Mike. Okay, well, Asian Mike, They call me Asian Mike. Asian Mike. Okay.

Well, uh, Asian Mike, would, would you guys like some communion? Is that a nutter butter? I mean, it was. Okay. But yes. But yes, definitely. Still. Yeah.

We want those. And while Eli quickly deletes a bunch of websites he just realized were a federal crime, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. Absolutely not. What? Everyone loves yogurt. Oh, better, but still no. Hey, what are you guys fighting about now? Noah, thank you. Finally, help me out here.

It's almost time to send all of our best friend of the show level patrons their swag bags, Hey, what are you guys fighting about now? Noah, thank you. Finally, help me out here. It's almost time to send all of our best friend of the show level patrons their swag bags, and Heath is being a real downer about it. We've said a million times stopping you from felonies is not being a downer. Being a downer. Plus, all this stuff is going to cost way too much to ship. I don't even know how we're going to get it all down to the post office. Well, you don't have to.

Ah, if we send it by carrier pigeon. Thank you, Noah, because I was just saying. No, I'm talking about stamps.com. Oh, what's stamps.com? Stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the U.S. post office right to your computer. Whether you're a small office sending invoices, an online seller shipping out products, or even a warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. That's true. We use Stamps.com to send out our Patreon rewards and even ship merch cross-country for live shows. Plus, I use it to sell stuff online and just

ship Christmas presents. Wait, do you use the company account for that stuff? But tell me, ship Christmas presents. Wait, do you use the company account for that stuff? But tell me, Noah, is stamps.com affordable? With stamps.com, you get five cents off every first class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail. Not to mention it's a fraction of the cost of those expensive postage meters. And right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment at all. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, enter scathing. Now, what did you want to send them anyway?

Well, I wanted to send a... Yeah, that's probably not going in the ad. Well, it should. And now, back to the headlines. And in anal P-robes news, Pat Robertson finished filming his commercial for the Gringotts Reverse Mortgage Retirement Fund, took another spinal epidural of Viagra so he could remain upright,

and continued hosting the 700 Club last week. And in a very surprise twist, he was actually correct about something he said. And then it happened again. He said two correct things on his show in the span of only a few days. It was amazing. Okay, I'm confused. Are we counting his first and last name as separate items here? You get 400 points for your name on this.

That's right. So first, he suggested that the United States should not completely abandon the Kurdish people in Syria and let them get massacred by Turkish forces. Correct. And then he pointed out that the Bible is all about the death penalty. So, you know, both accurate. Everything else he said was wrong surrounding those two ideas. But he did stumble into saying two entire correct things. It's a weird year.

2019 is weird. I mean, I get the whole broken clock analogy, but you'd still be surprised if you looked at it at 2.46 p.m. and it said a squared plus b squared equals c squared right that's true 3 45 pat robertson is right about stuff zipline apologetics in the workforce cats and dogs living together mass hysteria yeah so let's start with the death penalty. Four zipliners. Nope. So one of his callers asked if capital punishment is condoned by the Bible. And normally when someone asks about terrible things in the Bible,

P. Robes immediately mutters some kind of anti-Semitic slur and explains that the Jewish parts don't count. But when it's convenient and apparently supporting government execution is convenient in his mind, in those moments, Robertson is a big rabbinical scholar all of a sudden. He responded, are you kidding? He's giddy with excitement. He was, yeah. He says, are you kidding? Read the Old Testament. He's giddy with excitement.

He was. Yeah. Are you kidding? Read the Old Testament. If a son is ungovernable and won't listen to his parents, the parents can bring the son before the authorities and the son will be executed. That's not punished. But. Oh, and that was the end of his thought.

Because there was literally no way to finish that sentence, except maybe. Yes, it is punished. I'm stupid. Yeah, no, a lot of his thoughts end in but. But maybe, though, I have a theory here. Maybe even at 89 years of age, he's still spry enough of mind to realize that adding, hell, the Bible even endorses capital punishment for animals wasn't going to do him any favors there. Okay, but watching the clip, it seems like he's going to do him any favors there okay but watching the clip it seems like he's going to tell us where the treasury is right yeah and then he literally glitches to the next subject and that brings us to the very upsetting moment when i read about pat

robertson having the same political opinion as I do. He doesn't like texting. That too. It was very scary. I reacted like the article I read was a physical object and tried to throw it away like it turned into a giant spider. It was very, very upsetting. But again, the correctness was just for a second, and then he fucks it all up. Robertson argued that we can't just abandon our Kurdish allies and let a terrible leader like Erdogan control their fate. And then he listed a bunch of terrible things about Erdogan or Trump. I'm not sure. He listed some terrible things about a leader of somewhere.

a leader of somewhere. But then Robertson closed it out by explaining, quote, the president of the United States is in danger of losing the mandate of heaven, end quote. This was Robertson's line in the sand for Trump. This, just now. But now, but to be clear,

Trump will in the future lack the mandate of heaven. So in a way, this is a third thing he was right about. That's 2019's insane. Yeah. And just for the record, mandate of heaven is not a thing. There's nothing in the Bible about the mandate of heaven for political leaders. And if it was a thing, I'd be curious why God can't control the mandate of the popular. The mandate of the House Judiciary Committee or the mandate of not driving your cart on the fucking green.

I get angry. I have a weird line in the sand, too. I don't think that's very weird, but weirder still. Mandate of heaven is a Chinese political concept used to justify assassinating bad emperors. It's like these neurotransmitters have to answer three riddles from a troll to get across the synapse or something. Fucking insanity. And in AA Plus News tonight, according to faith groups, faith groups serve a function and deserve more money peer-reviewed nailed it we are peers of us while that perfectly sums up the recent study in the

journal of religion and health that argues for federal funding of faith-based addiction recovery curiously we're the only news outlet that chose to run with that specific headline okay to be fair we're the only news outlet that runs to run with that specific headline. Okay, to be fair, we're the only news outlet that runs with a lot of our headlines. This one doesn't have any dicks in it. The way I phrase this one, no dicks. So, okay, quick before that thinky Christian at work springs this one on you, or more likely the theocratic congressman that yokels around you keep voting for, tries to use it to shift government policy, let's take a quick look at this study.

First of all, and this part matters, it was funded by a group called Faith Counts. A wholly owned subsidiary of Fraud Guarantee. That wouldn't surprise me a lick. Now, this is an organization whose mission statement is all about empowering people of faith to be all up in everybody's face about it. Yes, and whose name is the epistemological equivalent of yelling through a locked bathroom door my faith counts damn it secondly neither of the two researchers involved is a specialist in

addiction recovery which is what this was about It comes from a father-daughter duo consisting of a researcher in the Institute of Studies of Religion at Baylor, who, by the way, heads up a group called the Religious Freedom Business Foundation. What? And a person with the chimerical occupation of theologian slash lawyer. And third...

Hey, man lawyer. Yeah, right. And third, it would remain bullshit no matter who funded or who wrote it okay we need to get a few of the horns from the rice marching band to just follow around everyone at baylor's whatever it's called religious freedom business foundation just playing cartoon cartoon pratfall music every time they do anything. Wah, wah, wah, wah. All right, so the misrepresentation starts in the second sentence of the abstract in this thing, where they point out that, quote, 73% of addiction treatment programs in the U.S.

include a spiritual-based element, end quote, and then act like that's evidence that the spirituality must therefore serve a key function, right? They point out that kids who go to church regularly are less likely to drink than kids who don't and then carry on as though they've just proven that religion prevents alcohol consumption. They ignore any correlation or any data

that doesn't fit with their bullshit narrative and then conclude that the U.S. taxpayers should be funding their thinly veiled evangelism by giving even more federal funds to faith-based recovery programs. Even as said, programs refuse to release data on recidivism. They even concoct a bullshit dollar amount and claim that America could save $316.6 billion if we, yeah, super specific that that if we just get the secularists the hell out of the way and let religion handle all the addiction recovery. All right.

Well, how much could we save if they handle the oncology to charge less? Yeah. And when we have this debate, I feel like it's worth reminding everyone involved that only one of those groups insists you join them. Right. Right. like it's worth reminding everyone involved that only one of those groups insists you join them right right like like secular recovery programs don't start with a step one admit that there is no god and we're a cosmic accident declaration and they should faith elements can be used usefully in addiction recovery but this matters only if you're religious right and secular recovery programs can still make use of that for religious people it's only the faith-based ones that say first you have to join our god club and

there is zero evidence that preaching to an atheist helps them recover from anything but their qualms about telling you to fuck yourself a a plus amway it's Amway. It's a good plan. It's a great plan. Right. Good stuff. Triple A. And finally tonight, a Jewish guy is selling the magic of the son of God to Christian idiots for way too much money. But enough about the origins of Christianity. We have a story about a Jewish guy selling the magic of the son of God to Christian idiots for way too much money this year. And it makes me so very happy.

Thanks to Daniel Greenberg of Brooklyn, New York, and the rest of the marketing wizards over at a product design company called Mischief. Sounds trustworthy. Yeah. They don't use vowels they're very clever it's mischief yeah yeah so um thanks to them we have the latest in a long line of confirmations that religious people will buy literally anything and this time it's a pair of jesus themed nike sneakers that cost three3,000. Jesus. And if you're dying to buy a pair for yourself, sorry, you can't. They sold out in minutes. Yeah. If you need that extra oomph

to get you to donate to Vulgarity for Charity next month, remember how much money we could have raised by preying on stupid people instead of asking you. Yeah. So the Jesus shoes by Mischief are a pair of Nike Air Max 97s redesigned with a metal crucifix attached to the laces, fabric accents made of frankincense wool. They're also inscribed with the Bible verse Matthew 1425, in which the Messiah walks on water because, you know, they're shoes. And according to Greenberg, the idea was to lampoon something called collab culture. Apparently, that's when two unrelated companies meld their branding to produce a collaboration product for often absolutely no reason other than getting money out of idiots like for example this actually happened adidas teamed up with

arizona iced tea at one point to make tea shoes i don't know i don't get it which is a great idea otherwise you're just wasting foot sweat. I mean, come on. Wait, I'm sorry. Are we buying the, we're ripping these people off in order to lampoon the kind of people that would rip these people off excuse? Because I feel like they're also just selling shoes at a $2,840 markup.

That is what's happening. I want to do that satire, please and thank you. Well, we'll get there. So one other product detail to highlight that Matthew verse, the soles of the shoes contain 60 cubic centimeters of holy water from the River Jordan. Yeah. Greenberg's friend lives in Israel and sent that over. But they have water from the River Jordan, yet somehow these otherwise amazing marketeers didn't name the shoe Prayer Jordan. And I'm very disappointed.

But I will give them a pass because they sold sneakers to stupid rich people who probably would have ended up spending that money on bigotry, if not magical footwear. True that, yeah. Probably would have ended up spending that money on bigotry, if not magical footwear. True that, yeah. Also, because we're obviously, like Eli already mentioned, stealing this business model. Right. Speaking of which, let's go ahead and put, let's go 20 seconds on the clock. Okay.

Ideas for Jesus-themed collaboration items, go. Okay, keeping the theme of sneakers, how about Reebok from the dead all right maybe a tasty beverage uh maybe a little jehoval teen i would drink that i love a whole team all right what about a jesus themed chinese restaurant chain walk on water uh okay athletic wear for the Christian tennis player. Eucharist guards. Okay. Yeah, you tried too, Eli.

Do you wear guards when you play tennis? What uses a wrist guard? I got Eucharist. Rollerblading? Sure. There you go. You rollerblade. They have bands.

They have wrist bands. Okay. How about Jesus Pieces chocolate-covered Eucharists? Oh, sure. All right. they have wristbands okay how about jesus pieces chocolate covered eucharists oh sure all right what about a social network for priests with shared hobbies nambla all right well quick before everybody realizes that i was just recycling sponsor jokes that whole time we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. I think I might have recycled a sponsor joke too. I'm not sure.

And when we come back, the baddest motherfucker in the Bible will be here to kill orphans. Prayer Jordans. And that is when you come around the corner and breathe the fire. Got it. Got it. Hey, what are you guys doing? Oh, hey, Noah. Eli and I were trying to figure out a way to reward people who pledge us money on patreon.com slash scathing atheist. So we're going door to door to act out a dragon battle for all those people.

I play the dragon. That's me. Yes. No, I can see that. Guys, you don't have to go door to door. The second episode of our D&D podcast is almost up for patrons of the Scathing Atheist to listen to. It's got a half ogre named Greg, a drug-dealing gnome named Dustin, and all the adventure

and action they could want. That's true. And all our patrons can hear it by giving as little as a dollar an episode on patreon.com slash scathingatheist. Okay, but now we have nothing to do with this flamethrower. That's probably for the best. Says you. Marshmallows.

Marshmallows. Marshmallows. By the most common accounting, the Bible references 3,237 people before it wraps up. But the dude whose book we're getting to now could probably beat up the other 3,236 at the same time. So without further ado, we'll move on to the book of Joshua in this ever so ready to rumble installment of... Bible Peace Theater. There's my guy, Joshua. How's it going, buddy? Oh, hey, God. Good. Going good. Classic. Love this guy. Classic. Look, now that Moses is out of the way You're gonna lead everyone into Israel I am?

Oh yeah, you're gonna own everything your foot touches, baby And you know what else? You are never going to lose Just like Moses Wow, thanks, God Oh no, no, no, no, no. It gets better. Just listen to your generals.

Um, are you guys ready to fight? We sure are, sir. We would never mumble against you, Joshua. See, they're ready to go. In fact, they'll kill anyone who disobeys you. Just like they did for Moses. What? You guys never listened to me, just like they did for Moses. What?

You guys never listened to me, and I lost all the time. Moses, get out of the Bible. You're not in the Bible. Screw you guys. You see what I was dealing with? All right. You two are my best spies, so I need you to go check out the city of Jericho. Got it.

We'll head right over to the house of Rahab the Harlot. Rahab the Harlot. Yeah. Uh, wait, wait. Why are you going to the house of Rahab the Harlot? Uh, for, um, the spying. Yeah, spying. Oh!

Spying. Oh! Does her house have, like, a good view of military checkpoints and government leaders or something? Yes. Yes. Okay. Knock, knock. Hi, King of Jericho? Um, yes.

Hi, I'm your new executive assistant, Kyle. Oh, you mean slave? Nope, that's an intern. Look, I hate to bear bad news on the first day, but it seems like we have a few Jewish spies staying at the house of Rahab the harlot. What? Why are you telling me? Go kill him. Mmm. Mmm? What's mmm?

Oh, it's just, I mean, you ever burst into the door of a harlot? It's not a fun sight, generally Ugh, seriously? Okay, never mind, I'll do it myself Okay, but again, can't recommend knocking strongly enough Just a little knock-knock Impossible to get good slaves these days Well, go to a college fair and give out pens What? Nothing It's impossible to get good slaves these days. Well, go to a college fair and give out pens. What?

Nothing. Rahab. Rahab, come out here. I, the king of Jericho, need to speak with you. Okay, so which one of us is going to ask our wife to play Rahab? Oh, right. Yeah, Rahab. The harlot.

The harlot. Need a girl voice We do Right, so one of us should just go ask their wife To play Rahab the harlot Yes Yippers Yes, I'm Rahab the harlot

Ugh, seriously? Well, we thought it was for the best Yes, I'm Rahab the Harlot. Seriously? Well, we thought it was for the best. Yeah, okay, probably. Anyway, do you have Jew spies in there? No, no Jew spies in here. Everyone has their foreskins. There were two dudes in here earlier really giving it to me, if you know what I mean. But they left undercover of darkness.

Um, you could probably still catch them if you hurry. Oh, great. Got it. You know, they were really filling the cannoli from both ends, if you get my meaning. Oh, it was a total spit roast. I do get your meaning. Thank you. Okay, leaving now.

Leaving now. Thank you, Rahab. Thank you. Okay, leaving now. Leaving now. Thank you, Rahab. Thank you. Okay, no problem. Come by anytime, and I mean that. Jesus. Hey, that's my great-great-grandson. Okay, okay.

That's enough. Okay, he's gone. You guys can come out now. Oh, that was some quick thinking, Rahab. Thanks. Yeah, thanks. Sure thing. But hey, I've heard your god went like crazy on the Egyptians. So how's about when he does adhere, you spare me and my family, okay?

You, uh, you have a family? Uh, yeah. Sex workers have families. It's like we're people and everything. Okay, relax, Twitter. Just saying. Sex work is still work. Okay, no, you're right. You're right.

I apologize. Yeah, so when we come back, why don't you put some red yarn on your window and we'll know not to kill you. Oh, good, good. So, how's we get back to building the Tower of Babel, if you know what I mean? Eh, moments kind of ruins.

Yeah. Did I mention that I'm Jesus' great-great-great-grandmother? You did, yes. You mentioned that. So, how did it go? Meh. Honestly, Joshua, I just, I didn't feel like a personal connection, if you know what I mean. Yeah, the whole thing felt, I don't know, very transactional.

Yes, transactional. No, I meant, have we struck fear into the hearts of those who live in Jericho? Oh, yes, absolutely. Yeah, right. Yeah, they're scared shitlessless what were you guys talking about nothing nothing all right all right everybody gather around you a little closer you you're fine right there just maybe back up i joshua i'm about to perform my first miracle. Thank you.

We've got a big battle today against Jordan. And I know many of you are afraid, but fear not, because I can do this. Huh? Huh? How about that? You stopped the flow of the Jordan River. Right? Just like Moses, huh? I mean, we could already cross the Jordan River. Yeah, but now, your feet won't get wet, you see. I'm sorry, our feet won't get wet, you see. I'm sorry, our feet won't get wet?

Yes, yes, dry feet, right? Oh, yeah, that's, um, cool. Right, right? Walking in style? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, it's great. It's great. Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, but for you and you, it gets better. Grab rocks. What, from the riverbed?

Yes, yes. Oh, yeah. Just grab some rocks. Why? Because someday your grandchildren are going to look up at you with those tears in their eyes and they're going to say, what's up with those stones? And you'll be like, oh, these stones? Oh, these are from the time Joshua stopped the River Jordan.

Okay. Now leave them here. But I thought you said that we were going to... Well, you can bring your kids to see the stones it'll be awesome it'll be a whole thing trust me awesome this guy gets it

and on that day the Lord magnified Joshua in the sight of all Israel and they feared him as they feared Moses all the days of his life did they though guys guys as they feared Moses all the days of his life. Did they, though? Guys! Guys, I brought the rocks to Gilgal!

That's great, buddy. Thank you. You can show your grandkids! Yeah, show our grandkids. Yep. Thank you, Joshua. Said that. Joshua.

Joshua. Oh, hey, God. How's it going, champ? Fantastic. Did you see the thing I did with the stones? I did. I did both times. Big fan. So, look, real quick, before you march into Jordan, I'm going to need you to circumcise everybody again.

Aren't they already, you know, circumcised? No, no, no, no. Those people are all dead. It was a whole thing. Anyways, there's new Jews now. I like them much better. Anyway, but there's just way, way too many Dick Duvets out there.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, totally. I get it. I feel like Ursula is about to come out and sing a song about stealing my soul, you know? Heard loud and clear, sir. It's like I glitched through the wall in an undersea simulator in here. Totally understood.

Circumcise everyone. Chop, chop, slap, slap. Got it. No problem. That's right. That's the spirit. And Joshua made him sharp knives and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins. It does not say hill of the foreskins in the Bible. Joshua 5.3, dude. Yeah.

Damn. Oh, I'll be. Convenient name for a hill. Am right that's crazy i think don't don't don't bother don't bother just let it go right hey how's it going alan how's it going how's that uh how's that penis healing schmooly Wait, who's there? Are you friend or foe? You tell me. Whoa! You appear to be a terrible golem of some kind. Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot. Um, actually, I'm the captain of the Heavenly Host.

Oh, forgive me. I fall on my face before the nice love this guy good stuff uh yo real quick though uh give me your shoe uh my shoe uh yeah this is holy ground so no shoes i get it i can thank you yes i see right well but just so you know, I'm not going to lick it when you leave, if that's what you were wondering about the shoe. Oh. Okay, now I feel like you are going to lick it. Who told you? All right. All right.

Listen up, men. Our battle plan is clear. All right, listen up, men. Our battle plan is clear. For the next week, we are going to walk around Jericho once a day for six days. And on the seventh day, we are all going to shout and play the ram's horn at the same time. And the wall of Jericho will come tumbling down. Right, sorry, um, the ram's horn?

Yeah, so when you hear that, everybody shout. Ah! No, no, wait, no, no. After the walking, not right now. Oh, sorry, I got excited. Okay, okay, no, also, no talking until you shout complete silence during the walking. Complete silence, establish a mood, and then shouting. Any questions?

Yeah, so when we're walking around- I said no talking to the shouting! Oh, okay. Also, needless to say, kill all the women, children, and animals except for Rahab the harlot and her family. Sorry, just a quick thing. I said! No, I know, I know, no talking thing, but just a quick timeout on that, okay? So, you're saying we're going to yell down the walls of a city? That's

the plan? And play ram's horns. Right, yeah, ram's horn. And circles. Also circles, right, got it. And when we do that, just a last clarification, I promise. This is the last thing.

We're supposed to kill everyone in the city except for Rahab the harlot and her family? That is correct. Must be one hell of a harlot. Oh, she is. Outfit stuff? Outfit stuff. Awesome. Nice.

And so it was that the people of Israel made circles around the city of Jericho. Five! Wait, I thought it was six. Yeah, me too. I'm pretty sure... Oh, I thought this was four. Yeah, it's definitely not four. God damn it.

Okay, people, we're starting over. Come on. And Joshua did command the people to play the ram's horn at the walls and give a great shout. Okay, that can't possibly be real. It's real. That's the shofar. I listened to that every year at Rosh Hashanah when I was a kid. It sounds like an elephant faking an orgasm.

Yes, it does. Absolutely not. No, we're not doing that. That's ridiculous. Just put in a regular horn noise. Okay, okay. I'll put in a regular horn noise. People of Israel, raise your voices. Raise your voices. Israel, raise your voices. Now, blow the ram's horns. He's got my daughter in there!

Did, uh, did you just play the Mystic River clip? I don't know, Don. Did you say your name in catchphrase again? Yes, I did! Well, then, yes, I did. And with yet another check to send to Sean Penn, we're going to bring things to a close this week, but we'll be back in a month with even more... Bible Peace Theater. home, but she'll be back next week, and she misses you too. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, God of Home Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't drop the mic until I thank the blepharonic, balkock, Heath Enright, the rudderish, abracadabrant Eli Posnick. I need to thank Lucinda

Lusions for her effulgent bellitude, and I also want to thank Don Ford for his imbrugent fondulation. All right. I just I just made the last one up there. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous monads, Lane Corrin, Donlon, Ryan Austin, Eric, Christian Sandcat, Esparto and Beelzebub's favorite heathen. Lane Corrin and Donlon, whose IQs are so high, most people need thought Sherpas to keep up with them. Ryan Austin and Eric, whose dicks have visited more states than their balls, and Christian Sandcat S. and Beelzebub's favorite heathen, who are so sexy, spellcheck asked if I was sure I didn't mean to spell that with three X's.

Together, this half score of heavenly heathens helped to heighten our heretical haranguing of the holy hypocrites this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingiddiast, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you don't have the money to give us money, you can also give us a five-star review or follow at PIAtPod on Twitter, and we'll consider you all squared up. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres,

Tim Robertson handles our social media, our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingideas.com. We'll head right over to the house of Rehab the Hot. Rebab? Rehab.

It's Rehab. I did a find and replace for all the misspellings I thought there were. That work is never quite done. Rehab is a word. Rehab. All right. Swoosh. that work is never quite done rehab is a word so rehab all right swoosh tried to make him go to rehab he said no no no the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2019 all rights reserved Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.