The Scathing Atheist - 349: John Wicca Edition

Episode Date: October 24, 2019

In this week’s episode, Trump supporting Christians promise they’ve glued their bar to the FLOOR, Coach Dave has a homophobic meltdown when thinking about baseball backfires, and the UK will reject the call to eat mor chicken. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: 31% of white evangelicals say they'll support Trump no matter what he does: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/21/31-of-white-evangelicals-say-theyll-support-trump-no-matter-what-he-does/ Chick Fil A opens first UK location; announces it will close first UK location: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/19/lgbtq-activists-shut-down-britains-only-chick-fil-a-just-9-days-after-opening/ Christian Rapper Walks Out of “The Addams Family” Movie Due to Demonic Elements: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/19/christian-rapper-walks-out-of-the-addams-family-movie-due-to-demonic-elements/ Paula White warns that some states define the bible as hate speech: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/paula-white-christians-must-vote-for-trump-because-his-judges-wont-let-states-outlaw-the-bible/ The Catholic Church is seriously selling a $110 "click to pray" wearable rosary: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/17/the-catholic-church-is-seriously-selling-a-110-click-to-pray-wearable-rosary/ https://www.cnet.com/google-amp/news/vaticans-wearable-rosary-gets-fix-for-app-flaw-allowing-easy-hacks/ A Christian Pastor Gave an Anti-Trans Sermon and the Backlash Has Been Glorious: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/19/a-christian-pastor-gave-an-anti-trans-sermon-and-the-backlash-has-been-glorious/ Dave Daubenmire wishes he could stop thinking about homosexuality:  https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/dave-daubenmire-we-need-to-make-homosexuality-unthinkable-again/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Female astronauts call out Trump’s stupidity from space: https://qz.com/1731692/female-astronauts-school-trump-from-outer-space/ GOP Candidate calls for ridiculous restrictions on abortion: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/va-gop-candidate-calls-for-abortion-restrictions-ankle-bracelets-for-women-who-get-abortions/ Christian mom urges women to reduce spousal abuse by being less uppity: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/22/christian-mom-to-avoid-domestic-abuse-wives-shouldnt-be-so-quarrelsome/

Warning, this week's episode contains naughty words that rhyme with skit, class troll, and brotherfucker. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Tulsi Gabbard's Crazy Cult. Tulsi Gabbard's Crazy Cult! Don't... don't Google us. And now, The Scathing Atheist. I'm April, your friendly neighborhood pharmacy technician, reminding you to get your fucking flu shot every year, every autumn, like today, right now. Because we definitely weren't designed intelligently, but did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 24th. And it's National Baloney Day.

Because the only way to stop a goblin is a good guy with a sandwich. There we go. Call forward, cross shows, Patriot only. I'm Noah Lucius. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Pierre Delecto's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia. This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Trump-supporting Christians promise they've glued their bar to the floor.

Coach Dave has a homophobic meltdown when thinking about baseball backfires. And the UK will reject the call to eat more chicken. But first, the diatribe. The first thing I had that you could consider a job came when I was, I think, 11 years old. There was a dude around the block that had been paying my brother to mow his lawn for a couple years. And when he got a real job, that $10 a week lawn gig fell to me. So I'm out back mowing his lawn one day and he's not home. I'm by myself. I'm in the yard with this privacy fence all around me and a kind of creepy camper full of junk in the back. I've already mowed the lawn and I'm going over the edges with the weed eater and I guess I leaned against something or hit something because something tall and bulbous fell in the camper,

falls against the window. And it was just the right color and shape that out of the corner of my eye, it looked kind of like one of those aliens that Unsolved Mysteries warned me about, the greys, right? Now, unfortunately, I can't tell you exactly what it really was because it scared the shit out of me thoroughly enough that i just dropped the fucking weed eater and ran i mean luckily it was one of those models that has a safety trigger where it turns off if you let it go but if it didn't i'd have left that motherfucker running because as dumb as it sounds in retrospect i was absolutely terrified of being abducted by aliens when i was a kid now this is probably something hard to sympathize with

if you didn't grow up kind of exactly when I did. Because if you were just a little bit older, you were old enough to recognize the myriad alien abduction documentaries for the bullshit that they were. And if you were a little bit younger, you probably grew up after they stopped playing those all the fucking time.

But when I was 10, 11 years old or so, virtually every network would throw up the occasional special wherein they would credulously present the stories of bumpkins recounting all the various things the aliens inserted into their rectums. And I was convinced that this was fact, right? My parents told me it was all nonsense, but given all the crap they'd told me about God, I knew I couldn't trust them. I figured they'd either been duped or they were lying to comfort me. So their reassurances did nothing whatsoever to calm me. And I got to say, my efforts to research alien abduction at the local library served only to exacerbate my terror.

I got to thinking about all of this last night when I had a rare brush with that same childlike terror. So like the house and the yard and everything is all decked up for Halloween, of course. And among the decorations that my wife put up this year is this little skeleton mummy dude that hangs out of the tree and he's got a motion sensor and when you get real close he rocks back and forth and he screams and stuff and somehow i managed to forget he was there so i'm taking the trash out just finished working it's almost one in the morning i'm wheeling this big ass trash can around front and all of a sudden his eyes light up this plastic cocoon starts grunting and writhing and i drop the goddamn trash can and bolt right so a few seconds later i'm on the porch laughing at

myself and being thankful it happened too late for my neighbors to have seen that but for a fleeting moment i remembered exactly what it felt like to be utterly terrified i remembered what it was like for that fucking alien to show up in the dude's window. And you know what? It was almost a novel feeling. I mean, I'm not going to say I'm not afraid of shit. Now, I have an interest in astronomy, so I know about things way more terrifying than tree mummies and extraterrestrial anal beads. But when it's dark outside and you see a weird shape in the shadows, you never mistake it for a gamma ray burst, right? When you're alone in your house in the middle of the night and

you hear a creepy sound you never wonder whether it's a massive asteroid impact so folks like you and i can look back at that kind of terror and largely relegate it to our childhoods but as we're all too aware not everybody outgrew their fears of ghosts and aliens and i can't imagine what it must be like to live in their world right i fear shit but i fear shit that i can understand and by and large mitigate right like i'm afraid of getting into an accident on the highway so i check my tire pressure before i get on the highway and pay attention to all them idiots that they keep letting use my roads but what do you get out of fearing something that doesn't exist? Right?

You can't learn about it because there's nothing to know and you can't ameliorate it because the likelihood was already zero. So it's a fear that exists for the sole purpose of being afraid of it. And, of course, many worldviews depend on this kind of shit. In fact, all of the ones this show is dedicated to dismantling do. It's really the only thing you get for your money when you embrace an irrational worldview. You get invincible fears. That's it. Sure, they'll promise you other shit. You know, Christians will promise you salvation. Muslims will promise you eternal paradise. Natural green mommy will promise you magical anti-cancer potions, but they can't actually provide any of that. None of it exists, but the fear does. And whether you're afraid of sin, demons,

or bread ingredients used in yoga mats, no application of rationality can assuage an irrational fear. And the people selling you the worldview aren't going to do it either because the fear is the fucking point. Right? People go back to church because they're afraid of hell. They go back to naturalgreenmommy.com because they're afraid of artificial flavors. They go back to church because they're afraid of hell. They go back to naturalgreenmommy.com because they're afraid of artificial flavors. They go back to their spiritual advisor because they're afraid of malignant spirits.

And that is the only salvation that atheism has to offer. We can't save your soul because you don't have one, but we can save you from irrational fear. We can offer up a world where there are no demons. There are no words you can recite in a mirror to summon fucking ghosts and while there might be space faring aliens they're definitely not in the camper in the backyard that you're mowing now there's a trade-off right reality's version of death is a lot scarier than the ones that the liars have to offer but it turns out that religious people still have to fear that shit too. Because as anyone who's ever been told both that they're ugly and that they're beautiful knows,

the lies you don't want to believe have a lot more staying power. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the ab and kadab to my bra, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to press to digitate? Wait, so you're saying Heath did crunches and i grabbed this body from the morgue for a magic trick yeah that's obviously ridiculous i don't do crunches yeah yeah and and eli already had that body i'm sorry

that has nothing to do with the intro all right let's talk about some news. In our lead story tonight, according to math, white evangelical Americans are stupid. That's true. Yeah, it is. And it actually works for a lot of different subjects. They're also chemically stupid

and geometrically stupid. Stupid in English, Spanish, stupid in in binary there's a lot of subjects but we got our latest confirmation according to the numbers last week with the release of the 2019 american values survey by the public religion research institute they found that 75 percent 75% of white evangelicals approve of Donald Trump. Already ridiculous. And of that group, of that 75%, close to half of them said there's virtually nothing he can do to lose their approval. And the rest are liars because they still approve of Donald Trump. What else could he fucking do?

Right. No, it says a lot about our country that the annual American values survey still hasn't found any. Also, they're just lying. Because Trump could, I don't know, become their gay son. They'd drop him like a hot rock. Right. There are scenarios. So, that's America.

We live in a country with a very large block of trump supporting white evangelicals whose stated political opinion is that their political opinion is unchangeable literally regardless of new information that we didn't even introduce yet that they can't think of anything i identify as sure yeah right exactly and uh they also asked in the survey if trump's behavior has encouraged white supremacist groups apparently they allowed multiple choice for this which seems kind of crazy from the start but for the sake of argument they allowed an answer of a yes yes, Trump encourages Nazis. B, Trump discourages Nazis.

Yeah, right. Thank you. I don't know. We went past A, but yes. A, yes, he encourages Nazis. B, he discourages Nazis. Or C, no impact. He's a total neutral.

There's a group of people who are completely neutral. There's no effect either way exactly nazis yep nazis are medium equally the same now they have no no opinion on trump and they have not changed yeah those are the three answers and as you might guess every group was super clear on the correct answer except white christians and republicans was the other was the other group that didn't know the right answer. That being said, there was still a non-zero pocket from every group, including Democrats, including atheists, that thought Trump is discouraging white supremacist groups. Like, who are these people? Who thinks he's taking that number down?

That's insane my only theory is that people who said yeah he's discouraging them they're interpreting that answer to mean yes i'm a nazi and my fellow nazi donald trump is making us look stupid or if maybe they're arguing that he's making the idea of white supremacy harder to sell right that's that's a really fair point or that donald trump is the most maligned academic in history i'm kidding i'm kidding no atheist would ever say anything silly so one other lesson i took away from this, American politics is so polarized that party affiliation is basically a religion at this point.

According to the survey, 87% of Republicans approve of Donald Trump. And the impossible to change my mind group is even larger as a proportion than it is among white evangelicals. Republicans were even more religious about that than white evangelicals. And that's insane. That's the exact opposite of how politics is supposed to work. And to be fair, Democrats are certainly at least capable of this kind of thinking too, although in a much less evil and destructive way, but still plenty of stupid, unwavering loyalty on all sides of all the political spectrums.

Obviously not enough on the left. Yeah, right. We used a little of that unwavering loyalty in 2016. To be clear. And I feel like I used the on all sides construction by accident there. I just want to take that back. But just saying, yeah, there's some unwavering

stupidity all around sometimes. Point being, just like a conservative can stay Republican and stop liking Trump, it seems like that would be all of them. It's not. Just like that, I can stay a liberal and change my opinion about Liz Warren if, say, it turns out her campaign was being used as a tool by hostile foreign power. If I learned that, I could switch. Or, you know, switch in whoever for Liz Warren if the nesting doll fits. Just stop being ridiculous and religious

about politics. Okay, Heath, I get what you're going for here, but I have already told you I will write in Tim Ryan if I have to. It's my vote! Tim Ryan 2012. There's the unwavering loyalty on the left that's causing problems.

You found it. You're not like killing people because of their race, but it's silly. Tim Ryan's silly. He's my favorite. I miss him. And in buttermilk bigots news tonight, America was reminded how bad it sucks compared to the

rest of the world again last week when chick-fil-a both opened their first location in the uk and announced the closing of their first location in the uk in the span of nine fucking days this is the best good job so the anti-lgbt fundraising organization that sells chicken on the size sparked protest in the city of redding they opened inside the Oracle Shopping Center. And unlike the bigots that run American malls, this shopping center responded by releasing a statement promising not to extend Chick-fil-A's lease beyond the six months they're already on the hook for. And yeah, so great work. Great work by whoever canceled that. But just a quick heads up for malls everywhere, especially international malls that might not know about American stuff.

Almost every major American restaurant chain is donating heavily to Donald Trump and the Republican Party. Yeah, sure. That includes Applebee's and Chili's, IHOP, Wendy's, White Castle, Taco Bell, KFC, Pizza Hut, and McDonald's even. They give some blue and some red, but more red. The only major companies I found that lean liberal in any significant way are Chipotle and Starbucks. But more importantly, yeah, so good job, Starbucks, I guess. And Chipotle, I don't know. I've never been to a chipotle anyway more importantly my point is american cuisine is mostly hot garbage so what are you doing

your weird mall like i understand the uk bringing us in there you know yeah in that hot garbage bar area too but the rest of you really don't have an excuse. What are you doing? Don't bring American food to your place. That's dumb. I mean, that's that's a fair point about, you know, support and who we focus on, especially when it comes to sort of liberal media bubbles. But let's be honest, isn't eating Taco Bell, White Castle or Chili's punishment enough for supporting Donald Trump? for supporting Donald Trump? No. No. Yeah, right. There is a correct answer. And look,

it should be a no-brainer that having a list of people you hate as a matter of corporate policy is a dumb business decision. But in America, it isn't. Yeah. Nope.

Right? That's correct. If Ruby Tuesdays came out tomorrow and announced that they were writing hate for interracial marriage and Muslims into their corporate

mission statement, the Josh Fiersteins of the world would make this their most profitable quarter in recent history, even as Americans shriveling minority of decent people swore off their product for eternity. And this comes from a combination of America's continuing refusal to come to grips with its profoundly racist history and the tendency of decent Americans to already not eat at Taco Bell, White Castle, Ruby Tuesdays at all. Yeah, Ruby Tuesday is about as good as it sounds from the title.

They serve the Tuesdays of food. They do. Ruby Tuesday. The ruby is for the blood. You won't be able to stop shitting. Now, we should be clear that over the last several years, Chick-fil-A has made a concerted effort to distance itself from itself on the issue of gay rights. But those efforts haven't included no longer donating to anti LGBT charities. So, yeah, they don't deserve the barest Nat's cock of credit for it.

In fact, if anything, they've made it worse through their deception. But to the UK's credit, what's been a disturbingly effective marketing strategy in America has utterly curtailed their hopes of international expansion. Unless they wanted money bad enough to sell chicken to Muslims, which they don't. Don't worry about that. They do have lines. And in prayer, creepy and there's spooky news tonight. Well done, Eli.

You also did a good pun. Christian rapper Brian Trejo, their spooky news tonight. Well done, Eli. You also did a good pun. Ding-a-ling. Christian rapper Brian Trejo, spelled with two Ns, so you can hate him just by reading his fucking name, took his kids to the new Addams Family movie this week.

But he was forced to leave when the movie about immortal gothic beings who torture each other constantly in their ancient mansion full of monsters pulled out a ouija board it's amazing they're so scared of that i don't understand regardless of why we need to put up some ouija billboards all over the highways of the bible but just moving pieces that start spelling out devil stuff or going to 666. Even without the moving stuff, right?

Like, I mean, if the goal is to get them to drive off the road in terror, you could just put that would work way better than the atheism billboards. Yeah. And if that's not the goal, I'm going to stop donating to those fucking campaigns. Yeah. Thank you. We starting our own. They never, never take our ideas. That's right. stop donating to those fucking campaigns because yeah thank you we starting our own they never never take our ideas that's right in a facebook testimonial video that makes me miss the guy

yells in his car genre of rants treyo explained that there had been three strikes in the film the first was that there was a demon voice at some point he knows that was just a human with like some kind of sound filter right he does not the second is a scene where a little boy became possessed actor again and i cannot emphasize this enough the final straw and third strike was when the movie contained a Ouija board. But scariest of all, there's a sex-positive wife who's smarter than her husband, and they're happily married.

They do not, Christians do not like the Addams family. Yeah, and plus, Cousin It is basically one giant mixed fiber, so yeah. Yep. All right,

and while we categorize all the other things in the Addams family that go against Mosaic law, I guess we can pause for a break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. Leave it to Donald fucking Trump to fuck up a historic achievement by women by having no goddamn idea what they just achieved. I'm sure I'm not the first one to tell you about this, but in case you missed it, astronauts Christina Koch and Jessica Meir made history with space's first all-female spacewalk this week. And when Donald Trump called to congratulate them, he said, quote, this is the first time for a woman outside of the space station, end quote, which is wrong by about three and a half decades. Hell, it wasn't even the first time the woman he was talking to had walked in space, one of them

anyway. But it was the other one that called him out on his stupidity in the moment. And of course, he responded by flipping her off on camera or he was just scratching his forehead with his middle finger exactly one second later because he's a fucking third grader and he's in charge of our country. But it's not like we didn't see this coming and it's not like we didn't warn you. For years, I've been covering the mountains of shit that Donald Trump is the apex of. Stories like this one about the Republican candidate for the state house in Virginia, Bill Drennan, who kicked off his campaign by pointing

out that there are 16 times more abortions than gun deaths in his state, which means gun legislation is one-sixteenth as important as outlawing abortion. And yet, despite all of this, women keep voting for these jackasses. And sometimes I'm surprised by that. But other times I remember that some women are Lori Alexander and it all clicks into place. I'm sure y'all remember my arch nemesis, Lori Alexander. She's a blogger that's made this segment before by denying the existence of marital rape, lamenting increasing educational opportunities for women, and pining for the days when women weren't allowed to have man jobs. Well, she's back with even more advice for the Christian ladies of the world.

In fact, she has a novel solution to the age-old problem of spousal abuse. Stop being so uppity. Quote, a wife has a much greater chance of being abused if she is quarrelsome, contentious, and abusive towards her husband, rather than if she is kindrelsome, contentious, and abusive towards her husband, rather than if she is kind, loving, and submissive. And as if that's not bad enough, she invokes a meta-abuser by adding, quote, God's ways are for our good, not for our harm, end quote. So yeah, if you're being abused, it's because you shouldn't have burned the toast. That's what Christianity has to offer women, according to its own PR staff.

But that's some depressing shit to close on. So let me add one final story. And this one is about the segment's mascot, Steve, cooking can be fun, Anderson. And to be fair, it's no longer really news when he gets banned from yet another country. But we're one step closer to all of them this week when New Zealand hastily added themselves to the list. And for those keeping track at home who don't have a special pen and map in their office to keep track of it, that's going to make a total of 34 countries he's been officially banned from. That means that nearly 10 percent of Earth's landmass over six million square miles has been declared an official no him zone and quick before another story crops up and fucks up the mood i'll

hand things back over to noah heath and eli thank you lucinda and in 30 to 50 feral snipes news tonight trump's spiritual advisor thank you and discontinued sentient fuck doll model for celibate people paula white joined forces with convicted tax fraud and dehydrated egg salesman jim baker to create an alloy of stupidity stronger than any known fact he also kind of looks like an actual dehydrated egg as a salesman no you're right you're right yeah you know you can use that either way actually also literally sells those things too all right so this took place during baker's show and in between the part where he asked people to buy his dehydrated eggs and the part of the show where he asks for donations to improve his dehydrated eggs selling facilities they talked a little bit about politics

and it was during this brief respite that white explained that even if you don't like trump you still have to vote for him because only his judges can overturn the existing state laws that she swears exists that outlaw the bible no no this is true these these laws are real uh they just can't get the trials going because you know what do you swear on am i right from the beginning so art of the deal so it starts off with this amazingly vapid prompt from baker he's talking about the importance of the election and he says with great foreboding quote we're gonna lose the freedom of america soon end quotes we're we're gonna lose the super size i guess yeah that's the freedom we have here so uh white spends a few minutes giddily fantasizing about how many supreme court justices might die in trump's

second term and then she adds this alarmist bullshit quote if we can change the supreme court you don't think all hell is trembling right now and to be fair that's the only correct thing she said i don't think that anyway she continues they have already passed legislation in states that says the bible is a book of hate speech it is only a matter of time those laws already passed end quote uh the laws of what words mean yeah it is a book of right speech but we didn't pass the laws of reading comprehension whatever that being said if anyone can reverse the meaning of words it's donald trump yeah right yeah we didn't pass him but he just might revoke him so if you're curious which state she's talking about it's the ones in her ass from when she pulled that dire factoid but i think it's just it's telling just how many christians make up this same lie

right like there are precisely zero legislators in the country that have ever so much as contemplated laws that would ban the fucking bible as hate speech and precisely zero people lobbying for that and yet all these christians are terrified that's going to happen and even though this is almost never the correct answer when it comes to questions about christians i think it might be because they know what's in their fucking book yeah and in cross fitbit news the vatican decided it was time to embrace modern technology so they launched a new product last week that's basically a smart watch for being catholic except it's stupid and cannot tell time also it's neither duran nor duran so discuss it got rid of all the bloatware of the smart part and the watch part and streamlined it down to a nice sleek dumb bracelet it's called the click to pray e rosary and it does

exactly what it sounds like based on the title you wear it on your wrist and it keeps track of your wishing so if you've been having trouble wanting stuff in analog, there's finally a digital solution for you. I hate to tell these guys, but there's already a digital solution for Pointless Desire. It's called Tinder. Yeah. Yeah. So the click to pray e-rosary is activated by not clicking. What?

Apparently, they just thought click to blank is like a technology phrase that's unrelated to the words it's made of, and they just put it in there for technology. Or maybe they built a physical mouse and a physical pointer as accessories, and eventually somebody explained how that was stupid.

Either way, they kept that title, but the final version becomes activated when you make the sign of the cross with your hand it's motion activated and it also turns into a snake and lights on fire if you make a pentagram or um you know same thing for a star of david but if you turn it on with a pure christian heart it connects to their dedicated, which plays audio on your phone that guides you through a variety of different specialized wishing programs. You can use it for the standard rosary, something called contemplative rosary, or a thematic rosary. I have no idea what any of that means, but there are options.

Oh, my God. Catholics are trying to rip off the bullshit meditation app craze. Oh, now we've got rosary for sleep, ASMR rosary, rosary playthrough, no commentary. Oh, I was worried that would just be in wooey bullshit false meditation circles. Now all the religions are getting in. I mean, on the one hand, it feels an awful lot like 3D printing a sundial. But okay. On the other hand, it's the least evil thing Catholicism sells.

So there's also that. It is. Yep. And just in case anyone's interested in the evil thing that catholicism sells thank you the click to pray e-rosary can be yours for only 110 dollars what which is obviously way too much but i'm not surprised overcharging for nothing that's the entire business model of religion yeah true the craziest part to me is that they clearly wanted to sell it for exactly a hundred dollars and they

somehow couldn't hit their budget target they went over budget on a wishing bracelet that went over some guy in rnd is like look man if you want to sell it for a hundred bucks it's going to go off every time you jerk off there's nothing else I can do about this. $110. I like to jerk off in a crossy motion. I go up, down, left, right, up, down, left, right. This is fucking crazy. Oh, I can't come unless it's the Konami code.

And in transubstantiation news tonight, it's 2019. And Will & Grace is mainstream enough to have a reboot not even gay people like, which means Christian assholes across the nation have found an even more vulnerable group to prey on. That's right. It's time for... Transubstantiation. In this brand new segment, we'll wrap up all the myriad of ways that Christians have waged a war against none of their business in a single week. And this one is a doozy.

This week's religious asshole is Pastor Keith Simon of The Crossing Church in Columbia, Missouri. An evangelical megachurch who dropped the beaded curtain of wooey Christianity for a moment this week to opine on how trans people are kind of like nazis if you think about it huh well no that tracks heavily socialist yep yeah yep also they have parades yeah yeah outfits so in this little video he's in the middle of explaining how god made men and women and none of those other chromosomal configurations he doesn't know about when he got distracted by the in the 1930s, the culture said something that is horrendously wrong. Be careful where following culture leads you. Jesus is Lord, not culture. And Jesus is not just Lord over culture.

He is Lord over you and me and our bodies. End quote. First, they came for our pronouns, and i did not speak out what are you talking about i did not speak mostly because i refuse to use their pronouns but i'm sorry what does he think that he demonstrated there right like major pillars of culture can lie to you and make you believe terrible dehumanizing things about groups of harmless people and sometimes they can even do that in a bad way what i became self-aware shut up now obviously honesty like this has members of his church who were pretty sure the bible had a recipe for bran muffins in it in an uproar so the pastor and the church have issued, I'll call them statements,

in response to the controversy. So in a Facebook video that I'm sure doubled as a testimonial for curly fries toupees, Pastor Keith had this to say to his critics. Quote, they said that it was hateful. I don't think so.

End quote. That's it. Done. He then immediately goes on to say that trans people are broken, but we're all sinners. Yeah, no, I'm sure. No, when I compared trans people to Nazis, maybe I just meant they were organized. Maybe I meant that they could invade France very quickly. Could be a compliment.

Yeah. could invade france very quickly it'd be a compliment yeah so the church's response on the other hand was if anything more bizarre and lacking in self-awareness in a letter posted on their website this week the crossing statement had this to say quote was keith's sermon transphobic does the crossing endorse or ignore harm done to the trans community? No. Oh. But we're realizing that some people heard it that way and that was never our heart behind it. What? Okay, I love how they

literally couldn't answer their own first question. Yes, right, there were more answers than questions, more questions than answers weren't there. Exactly. It was like, alright, was Keith's sermon transphobic hands down fuck you me fuck me you moving on next question from me hopefully easier to answer than the first give me a second to think about the question i'm going to ask myself that kind of backfired

on the first one when i asked you question. They're going to gotcha interview to themselves. Yes, exactly. They got them. That's amazing. Beyond that too, that last sentence, there's so much there. How is it that we caught them mid-realization? Why are they realizing rather than have realized? Why do they all share the one heart?

And what is it behind? This creates so many more questions than it answers yeah it's a mystery no is there answer to all those questions yeah yeah the statement continues unfortunately the vast majority of negative commentary on keith sermon appears to be written by people who never watched it uh i have watched it pretty sure it's a pile of shit just yeah in there yeah but as a good skept sure it's a pile of shit. Just throw that in there. Yeah, but as a good skeptic, it's important to hear the Nazi comparison in context, guys. Yeah.

Gotta pour over that. Really watch that. Check it. No. Fuck you. Really gotta check it out. And they conclude, quote, the sermon began and ended with calls for compassion, empathy, listening, and supportive presence for trans people.

The irony, this is not the irony, by the way, the irony is that we weren't trying to throw down the cultural gauntlet, but trying to help Christians in our community grow more compassionate. Many people have shared how this sermon helped them grow in their compassion towards trans people, end real quotes. Yeah, if we don't yell slurs and compare them to nazis nobody feels any compassion for those people you're welcome trans community that was us feel all that compassion coming at you you're welcome fuck you and you know what guys like that that last point really that really resonated with me. So please, listeners, whatever you do, do not look up the phone number for the Crossing Church in Columbia, Missouri and play gay porn audio into the phone. Don't do that.

Don't do that. But if you did do that, if you did, do it out of compassion. But don't, though. But really, though, don't. The irony is Eli kind of means that, but he doesn't. But does he? You guys don't know though. But really, though, don't. The irony is Eli kind of means that, but he doesn't. But does he? You guys don't know what irony means either. No, he doesn't.

They even heard this podcast, so they can't judge us for doing that. Yeah, well, they didn't hear that part. That's for sure. And finally, in fantasy news, Dave Daubenmayer publicly wished he could stop thinking about homosexuality this week on his youtube homage to hyponatremia past the salt live but before thank you it means salt deficiency but thank you jesus i was like what come on man it sounds like

a lot of things that d Dobinmeier could have the one he actually means is the last one I thought of but that's what it actually was eye pops out of his skull while he's talking sorry it's the hypnotremina now by the way before we get it you know into how much trouble

Dave has not thinking about fucking men I want to pause to address those listeners who wonder why we bother with nobody asked nobody's like Dave Daubenmeier by pointing out that the day before the episode we're about to talk to came out, he was the keynote speaker at a GOP fundraiser in Ohio that sold 200 tickets at $25 a head, $25 a head, which means, among other things, Heath missed out on an excellent opportunity to meet Dave Dobenmeier. I actually am secretly Dave Dobenmeier. Did you ever see both of us in the room at the same time?

I have not. This long gone is going to pay off. Smart. All right, so yeah, Dave gets home from the fundraising gala. He hangs up his formal baseball cap. And by the way, I wrote this before I checked the picture, but yes, he showed up at the speaking gig wearing both a baseball cap and a fucking tie.

I checked. I was like, I bet he did. Yeah. So he takes off his formal baseball cap, puts on his casual cap, you know, like Mr. Rogers coming home. He tightens his silas and then he heads out to the abandoned football stadium

from a zombie movie where he records his show. Sees two African-American gentlemen talking outside of it, got too scared to get out of his car, drove home and recorded this one from his living room. And he opened with a declaration that, quote, we need to make homosexuality unthinkable again, end quote, because Dave, for one, would really like to make it through a whole day without thinking about fucking Pete Buttigieg. Join the club. This was going to be a whole different speech, but the two black guys were very confusing for Coach Dave, so it turned into a rant about his confusing fear boner and how to make his thoughts unthinkable from now on.

He's like, we need to call sexuality something different. We're going to call it penis penis vagina sex double plus good white white baseball i don't know guys by the way if you have a strong stomach and a love for hatred the live chat under coach dave's videos is oh my god yes it is 40 just like slurs but 60 of it is like i thought i was googling hemorrhoid cures and why my daughter won't talk to me all right so his rail was filled with weirdly detailed homophobic slurs wherein he wonders if mayor pete is quote the insert or the insert E and quote and says shit like, quote, he doesn't even take the leadership role in his home because he has a husband. He being the wife and quote.

I'm just thinking it's the geometry that has me interested. All I care about is geometry. That's all. What? care about is the geometry. Exactly. What? Yeah, so typical Dave Doth protest too much Dobenmeier stuff that he says is penance for stroking off to the slowed down gif

of Pete waving. But I wanted to address one insult in particular which is apparently Dave's pet nickname for Mayor Pete, which is get ready for some clever Pete butt plug. And speaking of which, I'd probably be safer from becoming

the insertee if I put this butt plug in to block. This is just responsible anti-sodomy planning right there. Okay, what is it with homophobes and not

understanding gay couples do both yeah i mean so simple if all gay people thought straight people sex was only in one position never mind question withdrawn sorry i take it back take back now okay i'm gonna admit it pete butt plug not that bad right like i could see myself using that in my 30 seconds bit, right? Put it in the middle because it wouldn't be my strongest one, but I could use that. But I don't think it means what Dave thinks it means because the butt plug presidency would be awesome. Like the more butt plug like he is, the more comfortable I am inserting him into the oval orifice. And one way or the other, even if you're not enjoying his presidency,

you're not going to want to remove him quickly. You're going to want to take a second. I mean, you know, look, you might have to restrict it to the ad, like 10 p.m. and later ad slots. But if the Buttigieg campaign is asking, I say you run with it. Oh, no, I do not know much about butt plugs,

but you do not want to run with it. Strong disagree. I also don't know much. That sounds like a challenge, so I think we need to close the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Butt plug sprinting! And when we come back, we'll bust out our crystals

and our cauldrons. Hey guys, just want to jump in for a second, tell you about this week's sponsor, Jew Apron. Jew Apron delivers harm fresh ingredients and schlep by schlep recipes to your door for less than 11 shekels a meal. Try upcoming menu items like crispy apple kugel, challah stuffed with cholent or brisket in Jewish sauce. And Jew Apron has a plan for any Jewish lifestyle. You can have anywhere between two to five meals delivered a week or sign up for a family plan, which has 28 meals delivered a week for a family of 10, 14, or even just eight children.

Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals when you flee your home country at JewApron.com slash scathing. That's JewApron.com slash scathing to get your first three meals when you flee your home country. Jewapron. A better way, you schnook. No, come on. Heath, what's the matter? I hate this part of the podcast.

What part of the podcast? This part here where the whole show stops and I have to listen to ads. I mean, I get it, but we have the best ads. Still, yeah, we do, but I hate it. I still hate it. Okay, Heath, well, have you considered pledging as little as a dollar on Patreon.com slash Scathing Atheist?

No. Why? Why would I do that? Well, patrons get a version on the show with the ads at the very end, so they can choose to listen to them or not. Oh, I like that. But how do i listen to a patreon nope not a what is that so when you give as little as a dollar you get access to an rss feed that you can use on any podcast player plus you'll get access to all the cool bonus stuff we've done for patrons like our amas our brand new dnd playthrough called two d's in a Pod, which is an

amazing title. Great work, Heath. Thank you. And you even get extended episodes with behind-the-scenes stories and stuff. And I can get all that for as little as a dollar? That's right. Just go to patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist. And the ads will stop at that point? I mean,

on the show you hear they will. And now... No! Come on! Heath, I'm going back to the show. mean on the show you hear they will and now no come on heath i'm going back to the show back to the show oh oh okay okay given the country we record from the focus of this show generally winds up being christianity but it's important that we take time every once in a while to remind everybody that there's a buffet of bullshit out there that stretches to the horizon. So this week, we're going to dive into a religion far too often overlooked on this show in a long overdue edition of How Bullshit Is It? So tell us, Heath, what cow-paya credulity do you have for us today? Well, with Halloween only a week away, I thought we'd talk about

Wicca. Ah, a trip down what few memories I retained from my 20s lane. Great. So, what is Wicca? Well, if theology could take psychedelics, Wicca is the thing it would call you about at 2.30 in the morning to be a

pain in the ass and tell you about forever. You sleep? You sleep? Yes. Clearly. Hear me out, dude. Not now. All right.

What? No. All right. So where does Wicca come from? Well, that depends on who you ask. If you ask Wiccans, they'll tell you it comes from the ancient pagan beliefs of pre-Christian Europe. they'll tell you it comes from the ancient pagan beliefs of pre-christian europe but if you ask people that are not mistaken or lying they'll tell you it was developed in the 50s by a british dude named gerald gardner who was trying to figure out excuses for everyone to be naked more often

okay so far so good are we sure we want to yeah no it explains why i gotta do okay so who was gardner was he like a historian or an archaeologist or something? He was a retired civil servant. Hmm. Okay. Did he have any qualifications whatsoever to speak for the beliefs of pre-Christian European religion? He did not. Oh, okay.

But he did at least take a lot of his stuff from what was known of ancient pagan traditions, right? Well, almost nothing was actually known about ancient pagan traditions, so not really. He borrowed from the stuff people made up about ancient pagan traditions, but he managed to fuck up many of those fabrications too. See, all of his information stemmed from what's known as the witch cult hypothesis. This was some Trump-level scholarship that managed to gain a few influential adherents in the early 1900s, most notably Margaret Murray, who was later invited to write the entry for witchcraft in the Encyclopedia Britannica. Her academically dubious entry would then go on to inordinately influence cultural beliefs about witchcraft for a long time, pretty much ever since.

Okay, so what was the witch cult hypothesis? It was the idea that the witch hunts that swept through Europe and the Americas in the 15th and 16th centuries were actually hunting witches, like real ones. The theory rejects the common explanation of mass hysteria and group delusions and argues instead that the witches were members of ancient cults that maintained the pre-Christian pagan beliefs in secret. A belief that's carried on today so that my wife's shittiest friends can develop an oppression complex about their crystal collection.

Yeah. Yeah. friends can develop an oppression complex about their crystal collection yep yeah okay so i i probably don't even have to ask but is there any evidence to support this hypothesis i just said an article in encyclopedia okay wait wait the entire neobagin movement is based on bad scholarship that in a roundabout way argues that the pre-enlightenment witch hunts were justified that is correct yes okay but to be fair if you told me the motivation behind the salem witch trials was to prevent instagram posts with a single tarot card leaning against a candle i would be 100 on board

all right so if these cults are fictitious, they can't have beliefs for the neo pagan traditions to draw from. So where do their beliefs come from? A variety of places. Most of it came from the New Age mysticism of the day. Some of it came from contemporary interpretations of European archaeological finds. And some of it came straight out of Gerald Gardner's ass. So, beautiful spots. Pretty typical

of New Age religion. So, what do Wiccans believe? Well, they believe in nature. I'm sorry, don't we all believe in nature? Meh, I'm iffy on lakes. What? Sorry, you're iffy on lakes what what sorry you're iffy on lakes is that what you said

yeah i just don't feel like they're a real thing okay we're just gonna move right past that um no let me be more specific wiccans believe that we're all connected to nature okay but again don't don't we all believe that we're all connected to nature? Yes, we do. Okay, so I was thinking maybe you could tell us what Wiccans believe that the rest of humanity doesn't consider a priori knowledge. I'd love to, Noah, but that's a list of zero things. Really? Yeah,pty set. There's no concrete list of beliefs that make up Wicca.

And those few things that they all accept are basically universal precepts stated in a, you know, Lord of the Rings-y type of way. Like the Wiccan read, which states, and harm none, do what you will. It's one of those slogans that assumes you heard a very large conversation before it in media race wait but isn't that also like minus the in media rest part isn't that also the libertarian credo yes it's also the most puerile form of ethics you can possibly build a worldview around. Thank you. It's both obvious and impossible, which is honestly somehow impressive and stupid at the same time. And it breaks apart the moment it's subjected to the slightest hint of a moral dilemma.

Yeah, it's I'm not hurting anybody, the religion. All right, but I still find it hard to believe that this religion has no core set of beliefs. Okay, here's the opening paragraph of the beliefs section of Wicca from Wikipedia. Quote, theological views

within Wicca are diverse. The religion encompasses theists, atheists, and agnostics, with some viewing religion's deities as entities with a literal existence, and others viewing them as Jungian archetypes or symbols. You hear that, Carl? This is what happens, Carl. This is what happens. Even among theistic Wiccans, there are divergent beliefs, and Wicca includes pantheists, monotheists, duotheists, and polytheists, end quote. No fucking panentheists, so fuck those guys. So wait, whatever you want to believe as long as it's wrong?

Exactly, yep. Okay. Yes. Well, okay, wait, wait, but they all at least believe in magic, right? Well, even here, Wikipedia hedges their bets with the qualification that, quote, many Wiccans believe in magic, end quote. And even among those who do, many Wiccan authors define magic all the way down to simple stuff like the ability to calm yourself when you're angry. They define that as magic. So it'd be hard to say that even most of them believe in what you'd normally define as magic based on the word magic and what it means. Excuse me, Heath, normal stuff.

Not everyone can calm themselves down when they're angry, Heath. I got you, Noah. I got you. Calm themselves down when they're angry, Heath. I got you, Noah. I got you. Thank you, Eli. All right. Wait, what about herbs? Are you asking me if they believe in herbs?

Because actually, that's a reasonable question. At this point, yeah. Wait, but no, I mean, isn't herbalism a big part of Wicca? Generally, yeah, it is. Basically, everything that's stupid and new agey is a big part of Wicca at this point. Okay, so do they at least have religious rituals? Yes and no. Ritual plays a big part in Wicca, at least theoretically.

Since Wiccans are pretty spread out, most of them can't actually participate in rituals with other Wiccans very often. There are solo versions of most of the rituals, though, but nobody really does them. They just tell other Wiccans later that they have done the solo rituals because, you know, why not? My Canadian ritual? You don't know it. Right, right. It doesn't do a thing.

Right. Okay, so what kind of rituals do they pretend to have done? There's a long tradition in Wiccan literature to create a prohibitive number of preliminary rituals for any full ritual meant to actually do anything tangible. For example, if you want to cast a spell that would make a noticeable difference in the world in any way, they're going to start you off with like four rituals to consecrate your magical weapons. They're going to start you off with like four rituals to consecrate your magical weapons.

And each of those has to be done under different star signs and moon phases and a bunch of bullshit. You're also going to get an obnoxiously long initiation ritual, a few rituals of purification because you weren't pure for everything. A ritual to bless the place you're going to do the ritual because the place probably wasn't pure. And maybe a few other rituals to prepare specific tools for the final ritual. Okay, well that sounds like a transparent

way to keep anybody from ever getting far enough into the practice to realize it doesn't work. That is because it is. Yes, exactly. Maybe you've heard of my religion, time warner cable helpline all right so uh rituals are out beliefs are uh what about holidays uh they can at least all agree on those right sort of they have eight holidays in the Wiccan calendar. And they are all Hanukkah. And they all agree about when those eight holidays are. Okay.

And with only two exceptions, they agree on what they're called too. They're batting 750 on naming, agreeing. But in terms of how the holidays are celebrated, there's virtually no consistency. And there's virtually no consistency. And there's also no real celebration either. Okay, then why bother having holidays? Oh, that's so they can get angry at this time of year and act like their people are being oppressed through a cultural appropriation scam. Oh, I see. But isn't their entire religion the very worst form of cultural appropriation?

Yes, it is. Very much so. Not to mention that the very, very few Wiccan traditions that actually have a basis in ancient cultures are Native American traditions. Yep. And historians will tell you they just love it when white girls take credit for their heritage in the name of ancient American kelp. All right. So if Wicca has no universally recognized sets of beliefs, offers up banalities like go with it in lieu of moral guidance, has no real ritual structure and doesn't even offer up any good holidays. What does it offer its practitioners? Fucking.

No, it offers fucking. Wicca puts a big focus on nudity and also group masturbation, apparently, I just learned, which I'm pretty excited about. Also, orgies and ritual sex in general. It all makes so much sense now. Doesn't it?

Hey, Wiccans. I don't know why I said all that crazy stuff before. I'm kidding. I'm just joking. I take it all makes so much sense now doesn't it hey wiccans i don't know why i said all that crazy stuff i'm just joking i take it all back so like how do we join the the wicca yeah so there's a heavy emphasis on sex in wicca and an even heavier emphasis on the group nudity so it's kind of like hanging out with eli but a religion yeah yeah i have reasons i don't know eli's spells are a little bit better but yeah pretty much the same um but yeah just even down to the gross vegetable food it's very similar to hanging out a lot of links for example one of the most influential books about Wicca, Raymond Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft,

it describes the ritual for initiation to a Wiccan coven. And this involves the initiate being stripped naked, blindfolded, and then bound with both hands behind their back. The ritual also includes a portion where the high priest is required to touch both the initiate's nipples as well as their genitals. Okay, so it's just a fuck cult. At its best, it's just a fuck cult, yes. Still? Better than Christianity or Islam. Yeah, no, better than an anti-fuck cult, yeah, sure.

All right. Well, I guess the only question left to ask is... How bullshit is it? Well, it's a bullshit container made of bullshit and then filled with more bullshit. It's like a fractal of shit going in all directions, which they probably think is one of their magical properties. It is not. That's what they think. All right.

Well, he thanks again. It's always nice to know that. All right. Well, Heath, thanks again. It's always nice to know that we have an expert on relative fecality on the job. I think you're welcome. But seriously, Wiccans, just call us up. We want to learn. I'm open. We're open to experiences. My nipples.

Special. Before we save and quit tonight, I want to thank everybody who noticed that last week's show didn't have a farnsworth quote and replenished the shit out of my inbox i got a bunch of them but please keep them coming uh check the website for contact info on how to put them together all i ask is that you keep them short under 20 seconds uh and that they have something to do with filthy monkey men that's pretty much it feel free to promote your stuff but also feel free to not promote anything and just send me some audio so that I get to hear your voice for a change. Anyway, that's all the Blast Movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Off a Moose, debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Duted, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath Henry for being like a song that clings to me, Eli Bosnick, the thought of whom does things to me, and Lucinda Lusions for thinking that I'm unforgettable too. I also want to thank April for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, and she's right, by the way, get your fucking flu shot.

Now would be a great time. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most indefatigable individuals, Aaron J., Evan Carl, Justin Dutchie. MDHC. Dean Martin. Crispy Platypus. Neurotica.

Michael Kwisatz. Heretic Rick. Hippity Hoppity. This is State Property. Impress Me. Babblefish. Daniel. Incompetent God.

Tab. And Jared, whose IQs have more digits than their zip code, even if you use the long version. Together, these 20 people, atheist nursery rhyme titles, categories of brain porn, puns, ichthyoid translators, doltish deities, and well-cooked pseudo-mammals help to keep food in our bellies and bail in our bank accounts this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the nunchuck skills it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at ScathingAdias.com. And if you'd like to help, but that last thing costs money, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review,

telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scanningalias.com. Eli has shockingly small nipples. They're tight.

It's actually kind of weird. They're fat guy. It's a fat guy thing. Because your nipples don't stretch. No, no, Eli. Your nipples would look small on me. We need to do a nipple radius measure. Photoshop content. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC.

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