The Scathing Atheist - 352: Vulgarity Case Edition

Episode Date: November 14, 2019

In this week’s episode, we’ll talk about TI measurement and we won't mean calculators, the White House email server tries to invade Poland, and Tom and Cecil will be here to justify the second explicit tag we put on this episode. --- How to Participate in Vulgarity for Charity: Click here to donate to Modest Needs Send your donation receipt to this email, along with info on who you want insulted. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance here: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: Rapper T.I. is obsessed with his daughter’s vagina: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/07/rapper-t-i-is-creepily-obsessed-with-his-18-year-old-daughters-hymen/ If Knoxville Kids Skip Class for Bible Study, Satanists Want in on the Action: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/03/if-knoxville-kids-skip-class-for-bible-study-satanists-want-in-on-the-action/ Christian Website Posts Piece Claiming the “Transgender Cult Stole My Daughter”: https://www.christianpost.com/voice/the-transgender-cult-stole-my-daughter.html

Warning, there are offensive words in this podcast. Also, defensive words. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com and by Impeachment Hearings 2019. I'm in the hearing now. I am here. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Bill.

Zach. Keegan. And Quinn. And we did. In fact. Evolve. From Filthy Monkey Men. And given the number of boys. In this household.

Our mom knows more than anyone. That whole filthy thing. Yeah. That's pretty accurate. It's Thursday. It's November 14th. And it's loosen up, lighten up day. It's all about breathing. I don't think that's how they meant it.

I'm Noah Lutions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from John Bon Jovi's, about breathing. I don't think that's how they meant it. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from John Bon Jovi's New Jersey, Cincinnati swing state, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll talk about TI measurement, and we won't mean calculators. The White House email server tries to invade Poland. And Tom and Cecil will be here to justify the second explicit tag that we had to put on this episode. But first, the diatribe.

I step outside for a smoke, quick while I still can, and I see that there's a little bag of religious pamphlets and shit hanging off my door handle. And I'm kind of pissed just because I don't like having to scrape religious barnacles off my house, but I'm even more pissed because I was inside the goddamn house when they left it. They didn't bother to knock and try to sell me their Jesus face to face. They just left a bag of Chick-Trek bullshit there and ran. And I've been looking forward to the door-to-door evangelist since I moved here. But yet again, they took the coward's way out and just left a bag of shit on my porch without the decency to at least set it on fire. So I'm looking through it because it's usually good for a laugh, but the main pamphlet was good for a lot more than that. On the front, it shows a tree-lined road with the words, how to know you're going to heaven printed across it.

And this is probably the most common form of religious pamphlet, right? They open up with that ridiculous eternal happy versus eternal sad stakes that they've set up. And then they promise you a nice, easy means to ensure the former. So the beginning's usually some variation on how to make sure you're not going to have your flesh burned off by demons for eternity for disagreeing with me. But then, on the inside, it accidentally disproves intelligent design by reminding us that their dumbass God can't even intelligently design a book.

I mean, if you take Christianity at face value, the very most important thing one can take away from the Bible is the means to salvation. Right. If it serves no other function, at the very least, you should walk away from that book with a clear idea of the steps you need to take in order to get to heaven and avoid hell. But no sooner have you opened up the pamphlet that you're confronted by the fact that God very much neglected to do that. Right. Because they can't exactly quote from the part of the Bible that tells you how to get to heaven. That part doesn't exist. Instead, they have to cherry pick a bunch of unrelated sentences and build their case around it with theological push pins and yarn. For example, step one of five is know that you have sinned. So where do they go

to make the case for that? Do they go to the Bible that says the first step to getting to heaven is to acknowledge your sins? No, because that part doesn't exist. Instead, they slap together two non-consecutive sentences from Romans to get, as it is written, there is none righteous, no, not one, for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. So despite having a book with three quarters of a million words plus, they cannot find a single sentence that succinctly makes the point that they believe is the first step in ensuring eternal paradise. In fact, even when they're allowed to smoosh two disparate sentences together, they can't make that point with them. Right. There's nothing in that sentence about acknowledging those sins or about that being foundational to punching my heaven ticket it's just a couple spots in romans where paul's like yeah i said you guys suck but everybody sucks that's it and to underscore that by the way the pamphleteer felt the need to add several

sentences of their own at the bottom to explain what the fuck that had to do with getting to heaven but even if the words matched the point they were trying to make it would still be ridiculous you mean to tell me that the very first step in my salvation, the first thing that I have to know as preamble to everything else in your religion, is presented without fanfare in the 45th book out of 66? Right? God decided to put all the genealogies up front, but took step one and how to get to heaven into two poorly worded sentences on page 1430 now for step two in the process know that god says there is a price owed because of sin we jump all the way ahead to revelations to cherry pick that bit about whoremongers murderers sorcerers and liars all having their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which all by itself is a pretty shitty passage to have to

use, right? In a single sentence, it equally condemns murderers, people who pay for sex, fictional beings, right? Like a D&D character type and people who tell you that those pants don't make your ass look big. All equivalent actions according to this authority. But then we get to step three, which is know that Jesus paid that price for you. And to justify that one, they go back to Romans. So God intended you to read this thing like a goddamn pick a path adventure. What are you supposed to read from the outside in? You're supposed to read all the passages from shortest to longest, maybe.

I mean, we wouldn't accept this kind of bullshit in a book on how to read all the passages from shortest to longest, maybe? I mean, we wouldn't accept this kind of bullshit in a book on how to bake cookies, would we? If the first two-thirds of the book never even mentioned cookies and the actual steps were vaguely worded in random parts of the appendix, we would conclude that this was a shitty cookbook. And yet Christians are willing to present this as the very most important subject as addressed by the very most perfect book as inspired by the very most perfect being but their good book is a long ways from perfect hell it's a long ways from good but that should come as no surprise right like if a glance at the politics of america today teaches you only one thing it's going to be that Christians have a pretty fucked up definition of good.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Shadrach and Meshach to my Abednego, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to keep your cool? And then immediately turn around and murder everyone who disagrees with us. Yes. Yes. That's the story. Yeah. There you go. The absolute morality of the Bible. It's good stuff. You got to take the absolute value and then it's super positive. Yeah. Right. No. More or less.

In our lead story tonight, rapper T.I. wants to fuck his daughter and will forever be angered by the knowledge that somebody else actually gets to. The fuck is happening? Right, let's just cut to the fucking chase. That's the goddamn story. Also, he's a misogynistic piece of shit that would be ceremonially

mulched if there was any justice in the world. And I say all that based on a podcast interview he gave last week in which he detailed the annual hymen check that he subjects his daughter to. Quote, we have yearly trips to the gynecologist to check her hymen huh but does he go with her yes i go with her he oh he does okay great yeah

yeah no word yet on whether he's found a gynecologist willing to saran wrap her asshole shut too but you know he's looking looking. Cut to T.I.'s daughter cruising for dudes with small dicks. Ooh, baby, is that a motorcycle? Come over here for a second. Talk to me. Wait, did you say you have a podcast?

Multiple podcasts. Is that an AR-15? It's not an assault rifle. You're right. People use that term wrong. Now, because you're all grownups in the audience who didn't learn sex ed by guessing at the bleeped out parts of the lyrics, I probably don't have to tell you that the hymen and the freshness seal on the mayonnaise are two different things. Yeah, because I have only fucked one

of those things. The mayo? Very much so. Wouldn't pay for either of those things either. Yeah, but look, the point is, there are plenty of ways to break a hymen that don't involve sex, was the weirdest of Shel Silverstein's

collections, but when informed that the hymen could be broken by, you know, bike riding, horseback riding or other forms of athletic activity, T.I. responded, quote, she don't ride no horses. She don't ride no bike. She don't play no sports. End quote. Not really getting the point here, She don't play no sports. End quote. Not really getting the point here, is he? No, we sure ain't. Hey, T.I., she don't use butter. She don't use cheese.

She don't use jelly or any of these. She uses Vaseline. Vaseline. Do you get it, T.I.? Do you get it now? Vaseline. And, dude, look. Butt sex. That's get it, T.I.? Do you get it now? Vaseline. And dude, look. Butt sex. That's what we're saying. We're talking about butt sex.

But see, here's the thing. There are way too many things wrong with this story for me to get to all of them. Obviously, it's all predicated on that bullshit Christian canard that ties a woman's virginity to her value as a human being. And then on top of that, it's biologically incorrect. It's degrading. It's sexist. It's stupid. And it should be considered a form of child abuse, or at least it should be considered that if she was a child, the punchline to the whole goddamn story is that he is talking about his 18 year old daughter, the adults. Yes. And I never understood this attitude from dads like, oh, I want my child to have all the best that life has to offer except for this super fun thing which we all agree we enjoy yeah right that would be like saying okay i'm gonna provide for my kid but he better never ever go

to a water park my ghost friend does not want him to go to a water park. Hold on. Hold on. The best thing you could think of to compare with sex was water parks? Well, it takes him a similar amount of lube for both, so. And pee? Well, as I was trying to write that joke, I could not think of a good thing that religion didn't forbid. I was like, what if you wanted your kid not to have food? No. Okay.

What if you wanted your kid not to Oh, fuck it. Polycotton blends. God damn it. What do normies think is fun? Zipline. Water parks are a goddamn nightmare. Alright, so for what it's worth, I don't

have a source on this other than a friend of mine whose husband is a gynecologist but apparently this isn't particularly unusual right it's at least common enough that that dude has sort of a standard script he uses when dads ask about their daughter's hymens that is goddamn terrifying so tip to all the dads out there i guess the optimal amount of time you should spend thinking about your daughter's vagina and its accessories? Zero minutes. Lifetime.

Zero minutes, yep. Like, you know, there's certain diseases where I'd make an exception and shit, but the number we're normally shooting for is zero. Especially at 18. 18, that's really, she's good. All right. Next up in headlines, in scopes and prayers news,

the state of Tennessee public school system continued believing they were the good guys from Inherit the Wind this year. And they put together a new program that's going to allow kids to leave school early so they can learn about comparative religion. To be clear, they'll be comparing Christianity to the fake one. Yeah, they will. But we did get some good news. The Satanists heard about this, and they're going to start a religious education program too. For spite.

And because they like hearing the jingle. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian Freakout. All right, Heath, this is an intervention. You get one Christian Freakout an episode. You need help. That's my one.

You need help. And that, by the way, Atheists, is why we're destined to win this fight. We recognize the power of spite, and we don't run from it. Hell, sometimes we even theme charity drives around it it's good damn right we do yeah so they're having a meltdown anna great so this new christianity program in the public school curriculum got started in knox county which contains the city of knox. And once a month, kids can leave early from the school of hard knocks and 10 class at Sturchy Hill Church. So the whole thing.

Yeah, I get it. It sounds like a giant indoctrination scam. And is that it sounds that they're teaching the controversy so kids can finally learn about the other side of the argument from science. The other side of the argument, science is one side. This is the other. Some very fine arguments on both sides. Like, why are there still monkey trials? Somebody has to ask the hard questions.

So pending a vote by the school board, which to to be clear, is a group of parents mostly in Tennessee. They'll be firing up the new Bible study program next semester. And this is impressive because literally the only place you can learn less things than a Tennessee public school is a Tennessee church. Yeah, right. Like anywhere else they said it would have been a step up. Right. Yeah. Yeah, right. Like anywhere else they sent him would have been a step up, right? Yeah. So it looks like the new policy in Tennessee is going to allow religious groups to have special propaganda classes for public school kids. And as usual, the Satanists were waiting right outside that school board meeting, brandishing milk in a menacing fashion ready to go. So in response to the Christianity program, the Satanic

Children's Ministry of Knoxville, which is apparently a thing that exists and makes me very, very happy, they made the following announcement on Facebook last week. Quote, we are so excited. We want to thank Sturdy Hills Church and Knox County Public Schools. We could not have done this without you. We've been waiting patiently for another program to be introduced because once Knox County allows one religious organization to come into the schools with a release program, they have to let us all in.

Your children can be released from their school to come learn about Baphomet. We'll even send your children back to school with candy, prizes, and educational materials so they can share our program with their classmates. End quote. Hey Satanism, if you guys need some help the science to find the unborn fetus mazes for your worksheets, let me know. I've been doodling that for years. True. So we'll see how this all works out sometimes the satanic pump fake is good enough to scare the christians back into constitutional alignment for a second but sometimes it takes a bit longer so we might have a chance to send eli down to knoxville to teach his satanic improv workshop

for kids yeah fingers crossed and in transub trans substantiation news tonight, it's that time of the week where we report back on Christianity's favorite and I ooping target, trans people. This week's bizarre meltdown comes in the form of an article titled, The Transgender Cult Stole My Daughter, and reads like Mike Pence's slam poetry. Now, it's worth noting that this article truly, truly has no content. The entire thing reads like someone narrating a Saw movie from the next room,

except they're doing it about perfectly healthy life choices made by adults. This person's life seems, well, pretty good. And I'm covered in poison blood. This escalated so fast. It got away from me. I don't know what's happening. So if I may, I would like to do a dramatic reading of said article. Oh, please.

Ahem. Your beloved child has been kidnapped by a sadistic cult. The cult brainwashes her to believe you are the enemy. The brainwashing erases her entire childhood. Every good memory is replaced with memories of abuse that never happened. Okay, but what are the bad memories replaced with? That's weird. You keep those.

Yeah. The cult convinces her to inject poison into her body and to get her healthy body parts amputated. And damn it, amputating healthy body parts is a boy thing and it is not consensual yeah get it right you panic you scream you sob you beg you are reduced to nothing you search for help everywhere nobody will help i'm doing running motions back and forth on my side of the mic i want you to know that nobody will stop the In fact, the government investigates you and tells you to approve of what the cult is doing to your daughter. The world has gone mad.

The world has gone mad and I am sane. I am the sane person. Read my article in the Christian Post now. Yep. Society celebrates the cult and ridicules parents who fight back. society celebrates the cult and ridicules parents who fight back some parents are willingly handing their children over to the cult and cheering their child's destruction the child you love with everything in you the child you would die for is now unrecognizable replaced by someone who holds you in contempt they're cheering this yes cheering that it's weird they got a weird

cheer it's weird to do the wave during an operation can I just say that me and Heath got kicked out of that room you scream when you see her severed breasts and collapse sobbing

my god my god what have they done to my baby stop doing this in second person god damn it I didn't like it

when N.K. Jemisin did it she didn't make me a transphobe also you're not winning no Hugo's, ladies. Also, do doctors show you the severed breasts of your child? Like they're doing a fucking heart-wrecked fatality like Kano on Mortal Kombat?

What? You nearly... So here's the rest of the article by this very same normal person. You nearly drink yourself to death when you find out the cult cut out her entire reproductive system. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's what's written. Okay, that's typed. He typed that. Yep, these are all quotes. They took my baby's womb. They took her's typed. He typed that. Yep. These are all quotes. They took my baby's womb. They took her eggs. She doesn't know any better. She's still a little girl.

You reach out to every government agency you can think of. Wait, wait. It's the Parks Department. They cut off my daughter's tits. Okay. Rick Perry's just like energy. And every organization fighting the cult. You think there's nothing

more the cult could do with her. You are wrong. You finally go to see her twice within six weeks to beg and plead with us not to let the such a specific thing.

Twice in six weeks? That is a weirdly mundane detail about that. That's not a lot. You rewarded mosaic status through JetBlue. The Admiral's Club is delightful, but then they flay your daughter what you get a chicken sandwich all right it's fine how there's no reason to believe that's not in this article sorry continuing you cannot stop it so you beg please don't hurt my daughter here take my arm instead all of it if you need to what i don't need it just take it okay so that's the new game that we're all playing

trophy arm collection from stupid bigots go we are rocket raccoon absolutely your attempts are futile you cannot stop the torture so you sit alone in a motel room sobbing until you choke on your own tears praying with everything in you hugging a pillow rocking back and forth pretending it was your baby while you softly sob a song you are my sunshine my sunshine i am not making that up. These are direct quotes from this fucking article. I need a ringtone of this guy singing his entire essay, especially that part. I will pay a lot.

Oh, for a while, your mind is gone. Maybe a little while longer than you realize even. You call another mother who has a daughter whose breasts have been cut off by the cult. You sob together. Then you wait in a room knowing that nearby

the sadistic cult is skinning and mutilating your baby. Skinning? Jesus fucking Christ. Sure, she's legally an adult now, but the stuffed animal

you bought her yesterday that she picked out says otherwise. To be fair, it was a Teddy Rockspin with a Joel Osteen tape inside. Yeah, that's on you. Rage builds with each passing second and you contemplate what life in prison would be like.

You now see very clearly what kind of things you are capable of. Fire boils through your veins with bloody carnage dancing violently in your head. But she needs you now more than ever. So you can't. This is just one mother. One child. You

contemplate murder out loud on a blog post and the fact that your intended victim is a type of surgery somehow doesn't make it any less terrifying. Was he just describing a John Q scenario? He thinks he's the good guy in this? There are thousands of more cult casualties.

Daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts. This is too long. This is too long. Uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews, cousins. Nailed it, guys. Third cousins. All casualties of the sadistic cult. And let's not forget wives with suddenly stunning and brave husbands.

What? All of the lesbians under attack. What? And the erasure of women's rights. Wait, I'm sorry. Are the trans people attacking lesbians? And I'm sorry, if you're a Christian, isn't that kind of like the T-Rex eating the raptor

at the end of Jurassic Park? My beloved child was kidnapped by a sadistic cult. Will yours be next? And here is my, literally my favorite part of the article. Are you ready? It's a little blurb at the bottom. It contains my favorite word. The Kelsey Coalition is a nonpartisan,

unfunded, volunteer-run organization whose mission is to promote policies and laws that protect young people from medical and psychological harms, particularly as it relates to the medicalization of gender. I love that it's unfunded. You bet your ass it is. Unfunded, yeah. And nonpartisan. Nonpartisan. Got a lot of greed party members. All right.

Well, speaking of funding, we got a lot of money to raise yet this month. So we're going to close the headlines a little early. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Do Monji. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will be here to do good, bad, well. Okay. You got your keys?

Yes. Are you sure? Because I don't want to go back. Do you have them? No, I have them. Guys, what are you guys doing? Oh, we're headed to the post office to send out Christmas presents. Who goes to the post office anymore, dude?

It's 2019. But we got to send the presents. We got to go to the post office. Yeah, I got to send them. But why not just use stamps.com? What's stamps.com? Well, stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer. Whether you're a small office sending invoices, an online seller shipping out products, or even a warehouse sending out thousands of packages a day, stamps.com can handle it all with ease.

Well, that sounds pretty convenient, but is it going to save us money? You bet it will. With stamps.com, you get five cents off every first class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail. Don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Just sign up for stamps.com instead. Wow, that's huge savings. And where do we sign up? Well, there's no risk. With our promo code scathing, you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitment or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in SCATHING. That's stamps.com, enter SCATHING.

All right, Noah, we are in. Let's do this. Yeah. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. So who are you guys mailing presents to anyway? Each other. Yeah, each other. Why not

just... You know what? Never mind. What did you get me? You have to wait. Just tell me. It's my keys. Ha ha! well it's finally that time the moment that we practice for all year or at least say later that we had been practicing for when we realized that insulting that person might get us in trouble vulgarity for charity uh once again in 2019 we're going to turn our powers of scorn towards the forces of good for our favorite charity modest needs as of this recording and we're recording

on monday by the way so a little bit early but as of this recording we've already raised well over 27 000 even before we add in the match of everything up to 100 grand so hey you know what little behind pace for me having to quit smoking but you can still make it happen just in case you didn't think i was angry enough already if you want to help get us back on track to take advantage of every penny of that hundred grand match you can make a donation at modestneeds.org between now and thanksgiving kick in 50 bucks or more send us the receipt along with details of who you want roasted to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com and of course eli has access to the notes and he keeps writing in intros for him and Heath, even though they're already here.

So, Heath, Eli, welcome to still being here, guys. Eli looks like he sells paper towels for gnomes. Heath lives like his aim is to die choking. Just like Kung Fu the Legend continues. All right. Of course, we couldn't do this alone. Well, honestly, we could. We have, but it would be harder.

So we're contractually obligated to be thrilled to welcome back Tom and Cecil's biggest fans, Tom and Cecil. Biggest if measured in tonnage, yes. Fine. We are each other's biggest fans. It's called friendship, Noah. Maybe read about it in a novel sometime. Okay. I only read nonfiction, sir.

I know you meant that for Noah, but it's me who you wounded in case you're wondering. It's called multitasking, Eli. Multitasking. All right, so let's get this show on the road with our very first donor from our very favorite listener, April Poff. Hi, April. April's the best. Hi, April. April's really good at word blitz.

I'm playing word blitz with her. She's fucking great at it. It's infuriating. There you go. All right, well, she gave us $100 to roast her virginia congressman morgan griffith okay morgan griffith he wow he looks like philip seymour hoffman except um instead of taking heroin he hated black people he's philip seymour klansman morgan griffith looks like a civil war reenactor that tells you your buttons would have been He's Philip Seymour Klansman. Morgan Griffin looks like a Civil War reenactor that tells you your buttons would have been sewn on with a different stitch.

He also, he's protesting because he's allowed to use that word because they would have used it back then. And it's totally fine. Yeah, and he's allowed to wear makeup like that because the governor of Virginia said it's fine. Well, yeah. Shit. Yeah. All right, well done. Next up, Keith would like a roast for retired Navy SEAL Colonel Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt and Jordan Peterson fan Jack Carr.

So in the name of safety, Eli, why don't you take this one? Wait, wait, wait. Why do I have to take this one? Because we would care least if you died. That is true. Yeah, it adds. Me too. name is safety eli why don't you take this one wait why do i have to take this one because we would care least if you died that is true yeah it adds me too me too all right so are we sure that jack carr's last name isn't a family name because he 100 looks like he could be half monster monster truck. Like, if Cars 4 turns out to be Mater's sexual discovery, Jack is in. I mean,

he is ready to play Mater's homophobic dad. No makeup, no animation. He's brand up. Thanks to her, it's gotten so dark. Are those

plot points from Cars? Yeah. Cars 4. Mater realizes he's bi, and then the whole family rejects him, but he and Fast Pace. All right, Angelo, we've got a job for you, sir. It's called Hybrid Eli. Hybrid erasure.

All right. All right, we got a group roasting next. Bailey gave us money to roast herself and her friends Casey and Pat. I'll start with Casey, but it seems weird to roast her before she's even hatched. I don't even know what she's going to look like. And no, I'm not saying you're so much egg shaped as egg personality. Here's the reason we always leave you with Heath at the live shows. That's what I'm saying.

Actually, it's more because the day we first met this whole crew, Bailey had a constant aggressive stream of drool running down his entire body. And you guys were all like, Hey, alcohol poisoning is Heath's personality too. That'll be fun.

And it was. It was fun for me. But Bailey made it, apparently. And he looks like Boo Nerd was a person. He's like a low-level Cobra Kai, except instead of karate, that movie was

about a Magic the Gathering tournament. And he'd lose to Ralph macho in the first five seconds of the montage quarterfinals well i'll take pat pat looks boring like i don't mean his uninspired lice farm of a beard is boring or that his squinty short bus eyes look lifeless and devoid of intellect well though they do what i mean is that he looks boring he looks like he doesn't matter like if you saw him die in a flaming car wreck right in front of you you'd remember the car all right uh see so i got one for you don would like a roasting for the book-burning students at Georgia Southern University. You should see this pack of idiots standing around the public grill dropping pages of the book on top of the greats.

What? Look, you fucking hillbillies. We should have read a book about how to do this. Oh, damn. Look, you fucking hillbillies. Just because a Latino made it doesn't make it Mexican food. a book about how to do this. Oh, damn. Look, you fucking hillbilly, just because a Latino made it doesn't make it Mexican food. But in all seriousness,

that guy filming this burning was the most attention Georgia has paid to a book in a long time. Kudos. They did the same thing with ballots, too. Yeah. Alright, Eli, I got a special request for you. Devin would like a roast of their transphobic Uncle Dan,

who splits his free time between riding bikes and harassing women trying to get medical care at abortion clinics. What? But they would like the roast as Ben Carson. Love it. Love it. All right, here we go. Well, hello there. It's me, Ben Carson. Love it. Love it. Alright, here we go. Well, hello there. It's me,

Ben Carson. Or is it? That was a fun mystery. Anyway, hey Dan. Look, as a ninth runner up, you and I have a lot in common. We're both fascinated by the mystery of the wheel. We both

look several decades older than we are. And the closest both of us are ever going to get to women who've had consensual sex is an abortion protest. But then again, Dan, I have dementia. What's your excuse? All right. Got one for me next. All right, got one for me next.

David wants me to roast smokers because what people who are hopelessly dependent on the world's fifth most addictive substance and pay ever-increasing taxes on a product that kills them without the common courtesy of intoxication need is more social derision. But no, no, if this fundraiser is successful, I'll be a non-smoker at the end of it, so I need some practice looking down my nose at smokers while ignoring my own unhealthy addiction. So let me give this a shot. You know what I hate about smokers while ignoring my own unhealthy addiction, so let me give this a shot. You know what I hate about smokers? The way they grind the bones of the innocent to make their stew while sucking the souls of the babies to fulfill their twisted obligations to the great horned one. I shall ramble in their cancerous

demise, and when I see them crawling across the pavement, ejecting vital organs with their spasmodic wheezing and desperately seeking my help. I'll look down upon them and I'll say, I'm sorry, you're not allowed within 100 feet of the entrance. I'm sorry. I don't know.

I did it. This is my first try. I don't know if I did it right, but I tried. All right. This isn't even quick. We started a podcast that kind of is, you know, like what you just described. All right. Heath, this next one is for you.

Oh, great. Is it a dog? I'm not doing dogs. Well, kind of. Briggs the dog. No, no, wait. The dog gave us 250 bucks to roast his owner, Russell. Oh, okay.

And if you don't mind, his little sister, Carly. So there's a dog in there too? Fine. All right. Well, thank you, Briggs the dog, for caring about my feelings. I love you too. I do. Briggs said he likes me in the email, but he implied love.

I also love you. And Briggs owns a human named Russell who looks like Dave Thomas fucked his daughter Wendy. It's terrifying. The cross between those. He's like a bacon cheeseburger came to life because of incest.

And I'm only making this one exception to the no dog roasting policy because Briggs's little sister Carly looks like Wendy and Dave Thomas fucked a dog. dave thomas fucked a dog like they clearly this plan got started when great great grandpa went to a terrifying company retreat for the wendy's corporation all right cecil one for you uh jessica would like a roast of people who hate on stay-at-home moms what the fuck is wrong with you stay-at-home moms are great i don't ever have to see your fucking kid work, moms. Leave your goddamn kid in daycare for fuck's sake. No one wants to see your shitty runny nose bacteria factory. I don't need to stop what I'm doing to come out of my office to see what you shoved out of your vagina. Let's maintain some fucking healthy boundaries here and pretend not to care about one another. It's about time.

It's about one another. It's about time. All right, Tom, I hope you're feeling toasty because Char gave us a whopping $350 and needs some of that signature sting for her two-year-old nephew, Harrison, who she assures us she will play this for on his 16th birthday. Oh, nice. That's awesome. Happy birthday to you. Hey, Harrison. Harrison, big guy. I'm dead now. Hi, buddy. Happy birthday to you. Hey, Harrison.

Harrison, big guy. I'm dead now. Hi, Harrison. How did I know? Right? Come on. That's cool, Harrison. I got you.

Hey, Harrison, we're both alone. Cool. All right, Harrison, now that you're 16, buddy uh you're old enough to know the truth you weren't a mistake a mistake is a quickie in a gas station bathroom a mistake that's a broken condom but you're not even that kiddo you you're a regret and that's worse because that shit only comes up after years of actual experience with you every time you cried every time you had a runny nose or got super fucking excited about some stupid inane bullshit you were boring and every time your parents said i love you what they really meant was i miss my old life. Boots. Shit.

All right. Also to all the other kids who ever listened to this. Yeah. All right, gents. It is time for Vulgarity for Charity 2019's very first Spightning Round. Oh, how I've missed the boomy voice.

Does he know it's a filter? No, he does not. No. Like for a cigarette? Yep. Yep. Like a cigarette. All right.

The category is politicians thanks colin stewart jim marcy melanie ruey and john for their definite ruey i'm sorry i don't know how to pronounce your name for their donations so gentlemen for this spightling round i'd like you to give me a new political slogan for the roasty in question are you ready let's do it game on do it ready all right starting with kelly craft okay all right kelly craft um you and doing all the hard work we've been doing for decades well done sir all right how about washington gop state representative matt shea oh wow this guy's terrifying yeah all right matt shea i literally wrote a holy war manifesto and tried to start the

american inquisition vote for me but i'm an evangelical republican so everyone expected yeah all right i'll take christy noam christy noam i am not nicki h stunt double. I'm a different person. All right. How about Senator John Barrasso? Senator John Barrasso, because you don't have to grin to look shit eating. Oh, John Barrasso. Never mind about those abortion rights. All right. Tom Reed.

Tom Reed. Sometimes even coat hangers let you down. Oh, shit. Stephanie Borowitz. Tom Reed. Tom Reed. Sometimes even coat hangers let you down. Stephanie Borowitz. Stephanie Borowitz, not the woman for the hijab. Excellent. And finally, one of about 27 special requests we got for Donald Trump. Okay. All right.

I got a couple of them. Donald Trump, still worried about who's going to sit at his lunch table. Donald Trump, when finally he dies, it will be the next time his wife is aroused. Donald Trump. Unless she sees Obama somewhere, of course. Or the president of Canada or whatever the prime minister is. Yeah, Trudeau, yeah. or the president of Canada or whatever the prime minister.

Yeah, Trudeau, yeah. Donald Trump, the worst parts of us, on display like a spoiled pig in an Asian market. That's so perfect. All right, well done. Points all around. Next up, we have a group of folks who really deserve their roasting. We don't want any friendly jabs for these folks.

We want righteous retribution of the truly monstrous. I guess what I'm saying is unleash your inner Tom on this one, except for you, Tom. You just stay where you are and do what you're doing, man. And why don't we get the dogpile and started with Dave, who Adam gave us 400 bucks to roast and roast rightly. Jesus. If you see this guy, Dave looks like a young male version

of Violet Beauregard that ate cursed caramel corn. I thought he looked like Ralph the dog was in a bad fire but couldn't afford the top tier plastic surgeons. With a discount clinic. Yeah, Dave is rough. It looks like Kirby was in Dreamland and then slept through the alarm on his tanning bed. It looks like Kirby was in Dreamland and then slept through the alarm on his tanning bed. I'm pretty sure that Dave is actually a person of color, but it really seems like he's faking it, doesn't it?

I feel like he's faking it. He looks like Kevin from The Office tried to pull a Rachel Dolezal. He looks almost exactly like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Blackface. Dave, you got requested for this roast by someone who wanted their friend's ex to be roasted. Think about that, Dave. You are such a useless piece of shit. You caused so much damage that even two steps removed, everyone hates you. Seriously, I had to calm Kevin Bacon down just to do this roast myself it's no great accomplishment to be this shitty dave being a

shithead is easy it's the lowest simplest dumbest meanest version of yourself given free reign to make the world a little worse for your being a part of it. What makes me fucking crazy here isn't that you're such a shit. It's that being the kind of banal shit you've chosen to be is just so fucking lazy. Yeah. Dave looks like he ate his way out of the call center he worked in, telling people that the IRS wanted their Google Play gift cards. He looks like a misguided, failed at ben and jerry's shit flavored ice cream was given a job at corporate to hush the whole thing up

that's so mean all right cecil this next one's for you jeff would like his homophobic transphobic trump supporting co-worker eric roasted the picture on this guy eric looks like someone cut up all the insoles mixed and matched the parts sewed a humanist shape and then animated it with cockroaches standing still in traffic on the expressway at 3 a.m of people all right tom this one's for you uh leonie would like a roast of her religious Holocaust denying Trump supporting asshole mom. All right. Deny the Holocaust all you want. Deny facts and reason and evidence.

That's fine. It is. It's fine. The one thing that you can't deny is that the one person in all the world who should be able to see past your foibles and faults, your own fucking kid. They see you. They see you and they are appalled. And you can't deny that you deserve this and that you will die with that

lonely gulf of space in your heart unfulfilled. Woo-hoo! Got her. Okay. I got a two for four. I missed it for 364 days. I this never it's never it's never a nine it's never a nine it's always an 11 it's all mediums all right i got a two for four you guys

dan gave us a hundred bucks for heathen eli to roast robert price oh Yeah, and Dan's request was for us to reenact Robert Price losing his virginity, but as good mythicists, we don't believe that ever happened. Although, based on the photo we have, it looks like that pair of suspenders that Robert Price is wearing is penetrating

deeply. Maybe T.I. the rapper should check Robert's Mube Hymen. that Robert Price is wearing is penetrating deeply. Maybe T.I. the rapper should check Robert's Mube Hyman. Bravo. Look, I could make fun of the fact that Robert Price looks like Santa's divorce lawyer.

I could make fun of his Republican Atheist Facebook page which has, as of writing this 1,466 fans and will best be remembered for being hung up on by Cecil

but no Robert, wait really? but no, Robert I'd like to roast you like this, Robert if you're listening and based on your Twitter, you are listening. I know you're angry. It feels like the feminists and the antifas and the Black Lives Matters. They took away a world that was yours.

And now you're sort of left scraping the dregs with people who keep turning out to be Nazis. But know this, Rob, right now, here, in the middle of this charity drive in 2019, even though it's just for a second and is probably for the last time till Hemant does a pity obituary when you die on the toilet next year, you matter in atheism again, Robert. You do.

Right now, you matter. And it's gone. Did you enjoy that? Was it fun? Good times? Great. Alright. Go ahead and sit on that toilet whenever you're ready, Robert Price. Alright, Noah,

you're up next. Brian would like a roast of creationist John Morris Pend pendleton yes yes the guys are the other creationist tell to shut up you're making us look dumb man like he believes all the normal crazy shit that creationists believe but just when they're all nodding along you'll say that satan disguises himself as a ufo when he wants to go a probin or that there are still living dinosaurs in Africa. And he also looks at,

I checked a lot of video to confirm this. He always looks like he's either getting punched by like an invisible fist or flinching right before getting punched, which makes me hopeful every time I see it. All right. So this next one is for all of us. Bill gave us 500 bucks to roast Mormon apostle Talon Oaks. Okay.

No, no, no. I just looked at this picture. There is no way this is a real person. This is a practical joke. He looks like if Alfred E. Newman had aged in real time with Mad Magazine and heard all the mean things we said about him. He looks like he's the reason there's sexual harassment

training at Green Gots. He looks like his name is Dallin Oaks. He looks like he forgot to become a Keebler elf at some point. Pepperidge Farm, remember. He looks like a Jeff Sessions-shaped pimple on Nosferatu's chin.

He looks like if you made James Carville into jerky. Again, again, again. That's a second jerky take. I mean, for fuck's sake, I had no idea naked mole rats could get so big and had such bad taste in menswear.

And bad legal opinions, too. Yeah. All right. Perfect. Okay, so friend of the show, Brian Eggo gave us money just because. Hi, Brian. How you doing, Brian? And Reynolds gave us 200 smackolas. Packy store.

We call that in New England. People say packy store. It's not a slur. I just want to say that on record one more time. Package store. It's short for whatever. All right. So Brian and Reynolds both gave us money to roast whoever pisses us off most at the moment.

So let's get a little dealer's choice going. All right. Okay. I'm going to go first. Great pick. I love this, Brian. It it's great i hey brian fuck you do the job for us man i don't need extra work no one chooses you don't you guys just pull one out of your hate jar isn't that everyone has HR. Okay. Okay, here we go. Fuck potlucks. What a fucking lazy potluck dinner. It's a shitty way to serve food. It's always cold. It's

wet. It's nasty. It's gloopy fucking food-borne illness on a spoon. Fucking gross ass Campbell's soup-laden monstrosities next to jello molds with unidentifiable bits in them. Soupy shit that's supposed to be firm and firm shit that's supposed to have more liquid.

Potlucks are the hand job of buffets. You could do way better on your own with way less mess and you don't have to lie that you really enjoyed it. I said the realization that Cecil, our friend who can cook incredibly well, has probably

brought his food to a fucking potluck where someone like me brought cups and was like, yep, we both fucking potlucked. Good job. Did you sous vide that for three days? No, no. Is that a savory jello

mold? I'm fucking leaving. I'm not putting my food next to that. I'm bringing my food back home. I'm going to eat the whole thing. You don't like French onion soup jello? What the hell? I'm fucking leaving. I'm not putting my food next to that. I'm bringing my food back home. Okay. I'm going to eat the whole thing. You don't like French onion soup jello? I do, actually. That sounds great. That would be fucking amazing. When I found out about that, I got really excited. There's like Parmesan jello. Yuck.

Alright, so here's the one that I have been aching for. Fuck these fucking linals. I'm sitting up in a tree, shooting this thing with arrows and freezing it into the vacuum of space and time for an hour, and what do I get from it? Fucking bubkis.

People have written master's theses in the time it takes me to kill this weird furry centaur combination, and then it better drop a goddamn Asa Akira in-game fleshlight when I kill it, I get nothing. Eli, you can use the ancient arrows.

I don't want to use the ancient arrows. I don't want to fucking... I'll just upgrade my barbarian armor. Fuck the Lynels. We get to choose. That's who I choose. All right. So, fuck Lynels and fuck potlucks so far. I would also like to add fuck joggers and jogging in

general everything involved in jogging and fuck you for making eye contact with me while you're being healthy and i'm not don't look at me don't look at me healthily fuck you and extra fuck you for jogging in place at the corner while you wait for the goddamn light to change? What are you doing? I'm going to walk in slow motion in place right next to you and invade your personal life, and we're not making eye contact. Fuck you. Do that jogger

posture. Get out of here. You're only going to walk next to me for like three minutes, though, and then you're going to be out of breath, so it's fine. No way. All right. Well, when given this opportunity, I always go to the same place. That would be the bearded clipboard guy in the Chevy commercials.

That looks like he starts every interaction with a stranger by asking them to calm down, regardless of how calm they are in the moment. He's like the distillation of every substitute teacher and his fucking presence makes me want to give him a good goddamn reason to ask me to calm down. Fuck that guy. How many people have you hit with a clipboard that they started? Andrew said

don't answer that. Too many. Too many. You know who I really, truly fucking hate? Radical honesty people. There's nothing radical about using unvarnished cruelty and over-disclosure to burden other people with your shit. There's nothing inherently good about honesty if honesty is just your bullshit shorthand way of spreading out your own emotional baggage onto other people. You know what radical honesty sounds like? It sounds like these roasts.

It sounds like being mean for the simple joy of taking yourself out on others. It's a shitty, lazy way to disguise what is nothing more interesting than garden variety malice and childish whining. Cut that shit out and keep the worst fucking parts of yourself to yourself and then do the work to fix your

fucking character defects rather than publicly celebrate them while chastising others, you worthless cunts. I'm making a techno remix of that and it's my cell phone ring forever. Alright, so fuck potlucks,

Lionels, joggers, the Chevy guy, and honesty. Okay, gentlemen. Radical honesty. Last but not least. Is there moderate honesty that's different? Yeah, it's totally different. My citation needed essays.

Centrist honesty, just asking questions. Joe Biden is the title. All right. All right. So as of this moment, our current top donor is Sam, who donated $1,005 for us to do our worst for his good friend, Raphael. So let's send – he made it easy for us at the end here. He really did. Let's send Raphael off with the VIP treatment. All right.

I'll go first. Well, sorry to interrupt. Fuck you for trying to do the price is right thing and do $1,005. Just go to $2,000. Come on. Round up. All right. Raphael sounds like one of those guys whose defining feature is to be ridiculously talented,

but only in skills so utterly useless as to be almost as comical as they are tragic. Seriously, it's not just that you'd be picked dead last in a zombie survival situation. It's that life picks you last every time. You're the guy everyone wants to tell people they know because the funny story about you is you. You are a living parody. A man whose social and professional resume has attached to it a squirting flower of absurdity. That's one of my favorite sentences. That's pretty great.

It's not just that you have no economic value. It's that what you yourself value, how you spend your time, who you have chosen to be. The man you have built from the clay of your soul as a misshapen lump of oblivious and pointless endeavors only tolerated by a world so indifferent to your efforts that you fly under the radar of anyone's actual fucking notice. Maybe

skip that one. That's your buddy. Water squirt. Raphael, you poor beautiful soul. My brother from another mother How are you a semi-professional Smash Brothers commentator What can a human being

Possibly lack That you haven't quite risen to The full professionalism required To explain the same Four characters wave dashing around each other, waiting for a successful edge guard. What happened, man? Raphael, aim for the stars. Plenty of fucking original also. Wave dashing is garbage.

Aim for the stars, buddy, because even if you miss, Raphael, if you aim for the stars and you miss, you'll be dead. And that's for the best. All right. So, Rafael, dude, you went to Eli's alma mater and got an even less useful degree. Also Jeffrey Epstein's. You have even worse facial hair than Eli. You were introduced to your best friend when the guidance counselor slipped him five bucks to not hate you for a day. And, by the way, it took Eli's guidance counselor ten dollars to find him a friend so you're exactly one

step down from eli in every possible way you are store brand eli and that sir is the lowest i've ever gone on this segment i have to say with that pot belly and the banjo i think we have a new name for that kind of facial hair the glutton chop also i've never seen a dog look more frightened in a photo than the one you're hugging there roth rover blink twice if you're being harmed buddy all right uh rafael we're gonna do this one more time dude you look like mexican elvis presley from a donald trump propaganda poster about why we need the wall you're like you're like jermaine from flight of the concords except the flight got hijacked by a troll and now you guard a bridge with obnoxious musical riddles.

And I can't tell when they start and stop and when to just speak instead of singing and you go in and out as a pain in the ass. You're an overrated show. Alright. So on that note, we're going to pause to catch our breath. The next segment of Vulgarity for Charity will be

over on Cognitive Dissonance on November 18th. Tom Cecil, thanks for stopping by, guys. Before we make way for the next up cue, I want to urge you guys one more time to donate to Modest Needs before Thanksgiving Day. I don't want to keep smoking, but I'll do it. We were about four grand off base going into this week, so we need your donations. Remember, it's modestneeds.org. Send your receipt and your roast request to Vulgarity F-O-R charity at gmail.com.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be courting demerits if I neglected to thank Ethan Wright for being so hot, Lucid Illusions for being so cool,

and Eli Bostic for being so in a pot of nine-day-old porridge. I want to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for all the work they do every year to make Vulgarity for Charity so successful. Also want to thank Bill, Zach, Keegan, and Quint, the atonal barbershop quartet that provided this week's Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this, Zach, Keegan, and Quint, the atonal barbershop quartet that provided this week's Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Dustin, William, Matthew, Confused British Girl in an American World, Alex Tumacool, Gerald, Stefan, Dead, Zephyr, and Other Dustin. Dustin, William, and Matthew, whose dick pics have to be shot in panorama mode. Confused British Girl, Alex, and Gerald, who are so cool the Arctic Blast had to put on a sweater when it got to them.

And Stefan, Dead, Zephyr, and Other other Dustin whose IQs have more digits in decimal than most of us have in binary. Together, these nine naughty non-believers nudged our net worths northward this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, especially after they made such generous donations to Modest Needs, but if you still have a few bucks left over that you want to give to us, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every

episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you don't have a few bucks left over that you want to give to us, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, or convincing Disney that the whole fucking point of a streaming service is the ability to binge-watch the goddamn shows. One fight you're gonna

launch with one fucking episode of one show and a bunch of shit I've already seen? Jesus. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Office. This is P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media. Our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. This is what we get for recording in the morning, goddammit! The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.