The Scathing Atheist - 353: Bad Dads 2: Worse Dads Edition

Episode Date: November 21, 2019

In this week’s episode, Ohio gives a whole new meaning to “all of the above”, Kanye West and Michael Bloomberg start competing for the moderate votes, and Tom and Cecil will be here in case we run out of expletives. --- How to Participate in Vulgarity for Charity: Click here to donate to Modest Needs Send your donation receipt to this email, along with info on who you want insulted. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Cognitive Dissonance here: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: Christian Website Warns Kanye West: Joel Osteen is a Fake Christian: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/16/christian-website-to-christian-kanye-west-joel-osteen-is-a-fake-christian/ Ohio House Bill Would Ban Teachers from Punishing Kids for Their Religious Views: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/14/ohio-house-bill-would-ban-teachers-from-punishing-kids-for-their-religious-views/ 19% of Indians Won’t Donate Their Organs So They Have Them in Their Next Lives: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/11/19-of-indians-wont-donate-their-organs-so-they-have-them-in-their-next-lives/ Chick-Fil-A still sucks: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/19/chick-fil-a-slowly-backtracks-on-new-charity-policy-excluding-anti-lgbtq-groups/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/18/mike-huckabee-chick-fil-a-is-betraying-customers-by-avoiding-anti-lgbtq-groups/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Saudi Ad Refers to Feminism, Atheism, and Homosexuality as “Forms of Extremism” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/12/saudi-ad-refers-to-feminism-atheism-and-homosexuality-as-forms-of-extremism/ MAGA jackass thanks Trump for finally making women equal: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/14/maga-cultist-because-of-trump-women-are-truly-equal-for-the-first-time-ever/ Christian jackass blames women for him being weak: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/14/christian-preacher-when-women-take-over-a-culture-men-become-weak/

Warning, charity or no, this episode was going to contain some vulgarity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by replacing everyone who works at Amazon with robots. You know who never needs a pee break? Robots. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello there, fellow podcast people. This is Kevin from the People's Republic of Austin, here to remind you that, despite what the Texas Board of Education would have you believe, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's November 21st. And it's False Confession Day. Eli killed Jeffrey Epstein. I'm pretty sure they mean yourself. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. Maybe I'm Eli, too. Heath Enright,

and from the Situations, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Ohio gives a whole new meaning to all of the above, Kanye West and Michael Bloomberg

start competing for the moderate votes, and Tom and Cecil will be here just in case we ran out of X-splitters. But first, the diatribe. Religious people like to say that the family that prays together stays together. Because when they hear that, they think it means religion is a unifying force in families. Of course, when you and I hear it, we know it really means religious people often shun their family members for apostasy. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'll freely admit that people shun their family members for apostasy. I mean, don't get me wrong.

I'll freely admit that people shun their family members for secular reasons too, right? I'm sure there are atheist families that have disowned sons and daughters for being gay or being trans or marrying somebody of the wrong race, but it's hardly exculpatory for religion when I point out how it has the same effects as bigotry, right?

This has always struck me as one of the most disingenuous claims that religion makes. They wrap themselves in the cloak of family so shamelessly that the word itself has become all but synonymous with their propaganda, right? They're focused on the family. They have family values. The secular progressives in Hollywood are undermining the family, but they're going to protect it. And they say all that shit with a straight face, knowing good and damn well that nothing splits up families quite like religion. You know, sure, I'll admit, it works when it works, right? As long as everybody in the family toes the religious line,

I'm sure religion does a great job in unifying families. But, you know, that's the default setting. That's just a natural fucking state of things. You live with your family, or at least you did. You're genetically programmed to favor your kin. family sticking together is literally written into our dna and yet religion will straight facedly take credit for it right it's like calling religion a great sleep aid based on the fact that a hundred percent of religious people sleep but of course that analogy falls way short because religion doesn't have the potential to entirely deprive you of sleep

right at least lisa sim Simpson's anti-tiger rock didn't turn into a tiger when it malfunctioned. But for all their braggadocious claims about faith's power of family adhesion, even the slightest tug reveals that its glue is weaker than a fucking post-it note. Hell, you don't even have to leave the religion to watch it fall apart. For a lot of families, it's enough to simply ask a question about it or make some minor random violation of it. I've seen entire family gatherings ruined because of an incautiously uttered, God damn it. And yet this wedge, this seismic disruption that has dissolved the mortar of more families than Richard Dawson, this universal solvent that separates families at a rate that the

Department of Homeland Security can only dream of, will look you in the eyes and tell you with a straight face that its goal is to keep families together. Of course, if you think I'm judging religion too harshly and am overstating its propensity to divide families, I invite you to check my work at Anywhere in America this time next week. Go ahead, just drop in on Thursday, any house with the lights on and watch that self-proclaimed cultural emulsifier in action. Sure, you'll probably hear more Thanksgiving arguments about politics than religion, but given the evangelical stranglehold on policy of the Trump administration, I don't even know if that's a relevant distinction anymore. I mean, you know, maybe I'm wrong. I guess it's theoretically possible that

somebody out there has a perfectly pleasant Thanksgiving get together with the extended family where the conversation remains cordial, even when the rational people aren't bleeding their tongues as though their teeth were George Washington's surgeon. I've never seen one of those, never been to one of those, never heard about one of those in the tales of the wandering bards, but there's no rule of physics saying it's impossible, I guess. And it's perfectly possible to ruin a Thanksgiving without resorting to religion. I know that. I come from a long line of Lions fans.

But for an awful lot of people listening, the price that they're going to have to pay for an amicable Thursday next week will be their intellectual integrity. will be their intellectual integrity. Right? When Uncle Bob explains how trans kids exist because they took prayer out of schools, and Aunt Kathy recounts the harrowing tale of seeing a Muslim at Piggly Wiggly, and Cousin Darlene tells you how much better her Morgellons is now that her chakras are well aligned, and Grandpa Ed asks that we take a moment to thank Jesus for a meal that Jesus didn't put in on, you'll just sit there nodding stiffly and wondering how much more it is shit you have to listen to before you're having a worse day than a fucking

turkey. And then after a full day of that or even a full weekend, whatever you poor souls have to suffer through, you get to drive home, you get to slip in your headphones and you get to listen to us talk about Pat Robertson blaming family divisions on Drag Queen Story Hour. Right. But to his credit, as pervasive as this pro-family lie is among Christians, it's something that Jesus disagreed with him about. In fact, he was surprisingly honest about where this was all going. Matthew 10, 35, 36, quote, I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man's enemies will be the members of his own household, end quote.

And I got to be honest with you, that is the best description of a modern Thanksgiving dinner that I have ever heard. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. back here, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two of the three people that'll have to speak to me

the most frequently after I quit smoking, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to regret helping people in need? Guys, guys,

we really need clemency on this quit smoking bullshit, okay? All right? We were doubling the goal. We didn't think it would happen. Please, no smoke breaks are the only excuse I have left for my mid-record poop. We need this. We need this. Wait, okay? Alright, we were doubling the goal. We didn't think it would happen. Please, no smoke breaks are the only excuse

I have left for my mid-record poop. We need this. We need this. Wait, why? Why do you need an excuse? For the prestige! Oh, God. Are you using that, like, as the magic term? Yeah. Alright, so quick reminder, as

of this episode's debut, you have less than a week left to get your Vulgarity for Charity donation in. We're on pace to come really fucking close to our goal of raising $100,000, every penny of which will be matched by an anonymous donor. So if you want somebody insulted, you've got to get that donation in soon. Just go to modestneeds.org, make a donation of $50 or more, and send the receipt along with who you want insulted to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com and do it soon.

But again, $99,000. Great to raise that. That'd be perfect. For people. That's fine. That's right. Can I negative? We'll kick in $999 at that point.

That's right. We'll make it. In our lead story tonight, in Kanye West Wing news. Perfect. Phenomenal. In our lead story tonight, in Kanye West Wing news. Perfect. Phenomenal. According to America's most prominent new evangelical Christian, Joel Osteen's newest collaborator. Yeah, he is.

Donald Trump's most absurd supporter. Competitive market. Competitive market. That is a very competitive market. And self-proclaimed artist formally sick. self-proclaimed artist formally sick formally. These are his words. Artist formally sick, known as Kanye West,

who now goes by just Ye or Yeezus. According to Ye, he'll be running for President of the United States in 2024. Yeah! And he'll be running for the position of number one train wreck in our headline segment

starting right now. Yeah. And crushing it now and crushing it. Indeed. Competitive markets. Yeah, it is. Wow. He's at these, you know, some high bars he's jumping over. So many are wondering what political party Kanye West is part of, because of because you know without a good answer to that question his campaign for president would be ridiculous obviously well the answer is kind of tricky he's uh he's a very confused person there it is there's his party we found it there you go that would work but here's the thing none of the possible answers to what party he's from are good ones. Despite holding liberal views on certain topics, Kanye is a born-again evangelical Christian now. He's against the separation of state and church, and he's a pro-life Trump supporter.

Also, he just released an album called Jesus is King and did a concert at Joel Osteen's Prosperity Gospel Mega Church this week. Joel Osteen's just looking at his $90 T-shirts at the merch table. Okay, this is ridiculous. All right, let's see. Leans right on Mo's shit. Pays lip service to a few liberal issues. Pretends to be Christian when there's money in it. I'm pretty sure that puts him on solid footing in the Democratic primaries. So, yeah.

Hillary Clinton sabotaged his campaign. Just like Michael Bloomberg. I've always said that. It's really hard to tell them apart. So one other fun fact about Kanye's religio-economic philosophy. The reason Barack Obama didn't get the job done was because he didn't have enough Jewish friends. According to Ye, quote, Barack ain't got those connections. Black people don't have the same connections as Jewish people.

We don't have family that have money like that. Exact quote. Wow. Oh, we don't have family that have money like that. Whoa, exact quote. Wow. Yeah, indeed. And when the Anti-Defamation League explained what you're a bigot, Kanye responded, quote, I thought I was giving a compliment. I don't know how being told

you have money is an insult. And another exact quote from the person running for president in 2024. But don't worry, Kanye is making plenty of Jewish friends by hanging out with Joel Osteen. Yeah, I don't know. I kind of feel like if Jews controlled the world the way Kanye claims, they'd have been able to prevent Kanye West. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, whoever's running the world really dropped the ball on that one.

Right. And Hillary's lizard aliens can't do shit. Like, maybe she's friends with them, but they can't get anything done. They don't have enough Jewish friends, I guess. And here's the most ridiculous part of the story. Well, I mean, other than Kanye's general existence and behavior, when he announced the big collaboration with Joel Osteen, a giant evangelical activism collective and definitely hate group called the Gospel Coalition. They freaked out and tried to warn Kanye that Osteen's Christianity is too liberal.

I'm going to repeat that. Joelen's Christianity is too liberal. I'm going to repeat that. Joel Osteen is too liberal for them. And their news editor wrote an article saying, quote, Seekers like Kanye shouldn't be given croutons of positive thinking when they're looking for the bread of life. And amazing quote. I want to see the list of crossed out words that he rejected before he settled on croutons. Yeah.

Right. Because, you know, because like he's like, man, croutons are pretty good. But biscuits are positive. I think that sounds way better. You know, biscotti. No, no, no. Ethnic. Bread.

Sticks. Dust. And they no. Ethnic breadsticks. Duh, stuff. And they're technically... Right. Yeah, I don't know what this guy's so worried about. Kanye going down the Christian bigotry slide is both inevitable and gonna be super fun to watch.

It's a win-win. A little patience. Come on. This is a win for our headline segment, I guess. Yeah. Assuming he doesn't actually become politician all right so yeah uh that was a fun branding war between crazy and other crazy to fight over the attention from a crazy person but kanye doesn't care he's focused on his next project it is an opera by kanye called nebuchadnezzar named after the king of babylon

nebuchadnezzar yeah because according to kanye nebuchadnezzar was just like him they're both demigod kings they were both anointed by the top levellevel God to that position. And literally, according to Kanye, they were both diagnosed with bipolar. Nebuchadnezzar was diagnosed with bipolar, just like Kanye. Wow. And in Y-O-Y-O-Y-O news tonight. Is that from No-No Nanette?

Yeah, that's a No-No Nanette deep cut. Eli with the No-No Nanette reference., it's No No Nanette deep cut. Eli with the No No Nanette reference. Nice. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. So this week, the Ohio Statehouse passed Bill HB 164, known as the Ohio Student Religious Liberties Act of 2019, whose stated purpose is to prohibit teachers from punishing students

for expressing their religious beliefs in assignments. Yeah. The area of a circle is 3R squared. Fuck your Satan math, Mr. Anton. You can't remark me wrong for that. That's correct. I'll tell you what. Little pagan high school Noah would have had a blast with this one in physics class, right?

No. No, those doodles of human sacrifice on the margins are my religion uh extra credit i don't know i'm a mandalorian here's my gun yeah so here's the quote from the bill quote no district shall prohibit a student from engaging in religious expression in the completion of homework artwork or other written And if you're wondering if that of a student's work, end quote. And if you're wondering if that means a student can write God for every answer on their biology homework, according to the ACLU, at least, the answer is fucking yes. Yeah, well, and according to the law, that's the reason they made the fucking law. Yes.

And what's happening here in other classes are people being like all right and abe lincoln ended slavery in 1865 biblically speaking pros and cons hard to say who's writing that essay yeah so the bill actually tips its hat even further because in a subsection it explicitly allows kids to start religious clubs at school, something they could already do. Yeah, they were already allowed to do that. So, you know, this isn't so much creeping theocracy as it is theocracy announced to be a herald. You know what I'm saying? And didn't they just say again that like, all right, we're grading based on ordinary academic standards and relevance.

Well, except this thing that we're adding to that, which is this other thing. Right. Yeah, exactly. Like I've said for a long time, anytime they start making shit that's already legal, legal, you got to worry. Yeah. Still, it's hard to imagine what that classroom would be like. Be like. room would be like. Be like. Okay, class.

We'll be learning about the origins of the universe today. Who can tell me what the Big Bang is? Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes, Timmy. Uh, it's a lie planted by Satan to turn us from God? Uh, yes. Correct, I guess, technically.

Thank you. All right. So who can tell me where the universe did begin? Yes. Vikram. Yes. Brahma was reborn from destruction and stacked our planets on the back of four elephants on the back of infinite turtles.

No, no. The Lord God parted the waters of nothing and made land and the firmament. No, Turtis. Boys, boys, boys. You'reed the waters of nothing and made land and the firmament. Boys, boys, boys, you're both right. You're both right, according to the law. Man, Mercury in retrograde, am I right? Um, Miss Finnegan? Oh, you boys have to kill me now, don't you?

Yeah, me too. Both have to kill you. I'm going to kill Vikram also. And while I settle the there is too a way to make Ohioans dumber bet that I just lost to Heath, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. I guess when you're a country that's just now getting used to the idea of women driving cars, it's easy to see feminism as a form of extremism. So it should come as no surprise that the Saudi government

sent out an ad that said as much. Apparently, the kingdom has a Twitter account, which by itself tells you the kind of anachronistic bullshit we're dealing with here. But they sent out a video the other day that listed feminism as a type of extremism right alongside other dangers to society like homosexuality and atheism. And this isn't just a meaningless rhetorical flourish, by the way. Under Saudi law, homosexuality and atheism are punishable by death, which is already plenty fucked up by itself. But when their government starts conflating feminism with a capital crime, it's time to worry. And at the very least, it's time to reject the bullshit image the MBS is trying to sell about

being a cultural reformer. You guys barely made it out of the 18th century. You get to the 19th century and maybe you get a cookie. But at the moment, it looks more like you're backsliding than anything else. But as bad as women in Saudi Arabia have it, it's at least comforting to know that there's still one place where women enjoy true and total equality and don't have to concern themselves with the antiquated problems of misogyny. And I'm talking, of course, about Donald Trump's America. This revelation comes to us from co-chair of Women for Trump 2020, Gina Loudon, who said in a recent interview that women should be thanking Trump, and not just because he's a gentle grabber.

It's because under Trump, women are, quote, truly equal for the first time ever, end quote. When asked to name even one single thing Trump has done that has positively affected the life of one single woman, Loudon went on to say, quote, it's unparalleled. There's no president that even comes close to having done for women what this president has done for women

and the things that this president has done for women will be a legacy to our daughters, to our granddaughters, to our great-granddaughters. Then she looked at the interviewer's face and decided that she'd filibustered long enough and that she didn't have to mention that our great-great-granddaughters. And quick before I hand things back over to the guys, I wanted to give you a quick update on Pastor John MacArthur. And we talked about him just a couple weeks ago

when he told a prominent female church reformer to, quote, go home. Anyway, he's back in the news again this week, warning men not to let women take control lest we steal their penises in the night. Quote, when women take over a culture, men become weak. When men become weak, they can be conquered. When all the men have been slaughtered, that's right, slaughtered, women can sit there with all their jewelry and junk. You've been conquered because you've overpowered your protector, end quote. So, yeah, the key takeaway there is that it says wife's jewelry's fault, his dick doesn't work anymore. That and he mistakes what we want to do to him with what we want to do with men in general.

So, I guess I'll go sit about surrounded by jewelry as John MacArthur imagines women do with their spare time, and I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Indian giver news tonight, according to a study conducted by the India-based Edelweiss Tokyo Life Insurance and Multi-Organ Harvesting Aid Network, Mohan Foundation, even though 80% of people in India are aware of organ donation, only 3% of people say they're donors. By comparison, 45% of American adults are organ donors, which I should point out is still 55% too low. However, according to that same study, 19% of Indians aren't donors because they believe that donating your organs now means you won't have them in your next life.

What? Okay. Don't these people wonder why 3% of people aren't like missing an eye or a lung? Yeah, right, right. Pretty sure we just debunked Hinduism. You're welcome, everybody. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that means that if you donate your whole body, you'll be born invisible the next time.

Religion is fucking weird. Oh, yeah, that's true. That would be awesome if that worked. It actually gets worse. The study also revealed that according to the same study, many wouldn't donate organs or receive organs from gay people. With 54% of the people they surveyed in favor of not letting LGBTQ people donate at all. We replaced Rajiv's kidney with a gay kidney.

What the fuck? Folgers? So, yeah, it's just another data point. It's a small one, comparatively, but remember there's literally no thing that religion doesn't poison. Upside, upside,

nobody in India has to worry about waking up with a gay kindy. So that's pretty cool. Yeah. I guess the other upshot is that if you're a progressive Indian on dialysis, you just have your pick of the gay kidneys. Still kind of dim as silver linings go, but at least there's that. And finally tonight in chicken all the boxes news.

Over the last few months, we have spent way too much time on our atheism show talking about chicken sandwiches. Well, I apologize. Reasonable. Sorry in advance. I'm out. I'll be digging into that subject once again this week. Chick-fil-A is back in the news. I mean, obviously, they're just still in the news this week after announcing that they'll no longer be giving money to anti LGBTQ groups.

Asterisk again. Right. OK, yeah, there it is. So what does this even mean? They're going to like stop paying taxes in red. The entire staff is going to stop being Christian and going to church. That's impossible. My question is, are their sandwiches going to stop tasting like someone put pickles on an old croc sandal?

Because that's what's keeping me from going there. Hey, hey, hey. It's one pickle on an old croc sandal, okay? One pickle. Yeah. With a ranchy sauce. Yeah. and pickle.

Yeah. With a ranchy sauce. Yeah. All right. So this announcement came on the heels of international protests by LGBTQ rights groups that, among other things,

closed down their only UK location, excluded them from a few airports, and made the internet pretend to like Popeye's chicken for a while.

And all that led to a press release on Monday announcing that they would change their charitable giving model to focus specifically on three initiatives, homelessness, hunger, and education. And to a press release on Monday announcing that they would change their charitable giving model to focus specifically on three initiatives, homelessness, hunger and education. And while the press release didn't specifically say that they were going to stop giving to groups like the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and the Salvation Army, two of the main anti LGBTQ groups that they've been taking shit for donating to.

It's sure meant to imply that. And by the way, Chick-fil-a if you're listening we know you're listening and we know you are we know you are for sure now that you guys are woke it seems like you could donate money to groups like glad right oh there you go help yeah like a bigotry carbon offset that's it exactly been doing for decades yeah so now despite the press release and the resultant outrage from christian blowhards like mike huckabee groups like glad were slow rolling any praise they might have for the restaurant uh and it's changed after all this is not the first time chick-fil-a promised to stop giving money to groups that oppose marriage equality and that's the kind of thing you only

have to promise once if you're not fucking lying the first time. On top of that, no sooner than Monday evening, several hours after this press release came out, the company's president and CEO, Tim Tassopoulos, carved out a loophole in the pledge by telling Vice that, quote, no organization will be excluded from future consideration, end quote. So none. None of that. Right. Like so far, they've done nothing if that changes i still won't eat there because i oppose stupidity and they still have a location in an nfl stadium that isn't open on sunday so they're not doing anything about that it still makes me so happy so with that cleared up we're going to close the headlines for the night heath eli thanks

as always pickle crock and when we come back tom and Cecil will be here to have nothing nice to say. We do Vulgarity for Charity this time of year for a number of reasons. Partly it's because the people that modest needs helps often need the help the most as the weather starts cooling off and holiday expenses start cropping up. Partly it's because we're entering the time of year when people are most inclined to talk about how charitable atheists aren't. But mostly it's so that when I go to Thanksgiving dinner and my religious family desperately wants to give me shit for doing the devil's work for a living, I have a nice big charity dollar amount to shut them the fuck up with. living i have a nice big charity dollar amount to shut him the fuck up with so we're recording this a little early uh so i don't have the i'm gonna have to drop this dollar total in after the fact but as of wednesday the 20th with one week and a few hours left to go in the fundraiser we are already sitting at a whopping 73 202 dollars and 75 cents And that means we got a lot of fucking rows to get to.

It's time to bring in the Waluigi and Wario of our Mario Party, Tom and Cecil. Gentlemen, are you gonna win? I realize now that I wrote this joke and I don't know what Mario Party is and I confused it with Mario Kart. So that's

actually my joke now. I don't know what Mario Party is and I confused it with Mario Kart. So that's actually my joke now. I don't know what Mario Party is. Oh, Waluigi and Wario is the most lazy fucking naming convention in the world. I know, that's the worst. Wario looks like he ate his share of Whack Donald's, huh? Yeah, and Tom looks like Mario went to a

seminar at the Sheraton by the airport. All right. So first up, Mick would like— Okay, it's just going to be me doing one roast of one of the guys here. I'm the asshole who's going in there. Fine. I was going to say you were the overachiever, but yeah. All right.

I'm fat, sweaty, smell bad. There's a lot. Come on. I've never had sex with a woman. I don't know how that works. I'm not likable. There's a lot. This is the first time I've seen someone great Santini themselves live on air. I was Bennett Browering myself. Yeah, same idea.

Same idea. All right. So first up, Mick with like a roast of his ungrateful son rory okay rory of all the mangy hair on your head you choose to shave off your fucking eyebrows your badgy beard has a sine wave edge on it you're rocking the 10 o'clock shadow mustache what sin could your eyebrows have committed that the rest of your facial hair hasn't? All right, Tom, this next one has your name written all over it. Marcus would like a roast for his ex-wife, Stacy. Okay, Marcus, you didn't give us much to go off here except to describe your ex-wife as a succubus,

a demonic figure believed to have sex with sleeping men. And judging from the supplied photo, the only possible way anyone could have sex there would be unconscious and desperately imagining something else. Like anything else, actually. All right, Heath and Eli, I got a couple of requests for you. Philip would like you guys to roast his co-workers, Megan and Byron. Okay, I'll go with Megan. Megan looks like she just got a participation trophy, and she's way too goddamn excited about it.

She's pumped about that burgundy ribbon. Megan is the official mascot of Hufflepuff. That's Megan. Yeah, and Byron looks like the gritty reboot of a Lucky Charms commercial. Like, it opens in a down spot as he monologues into the camera about why he's wearing a necklace of sugar craving children's ears.

There are a couple I think too. Yes. Byron. Absolutely. Okay Noah. Got one for you here. Steven needs a roast for his buddy Chris. He looks like one of those people that's always inexplicably sweaty. Right? Like as though

even in perfect stillness, the very act of being Chris is exhausting. He looks like the kind of person who has trouble being noticed even when he's the next guy in line. And has trouble being noticed even though he looks like an

amalgamation of six different minor Mario enemies. You know, they should be bouncing around in a boot, pulling bombs out of your mouth and throwing them at people. Jesus, dude. Oh, of course, also Jason, Jen, Laurent, Ralph, and Justin gave us money out of the goodness of their hearts. So to spice things up a bit, why don't we each give them the compliment they deserve oh all right uh jason jen warren ralph and justin are so good looking if they hold still too long in a museum people start to put up velvet ropes they're so kind noah tried to smoke them these people just wanted to donate so no quit smoking and i think that's. In a year or so, Noah's going to get his taste back,

and then we can go out for dinner, and then when the server puts the food in front of him, he won't back away and hiss like he does now. You know, sometimes someone in line in front of you at Starbucks pays for your drink, and there was, like, no reason for that except someone just decided that they wanted to make a stranger smile. They kind of like casual shrugging, easy sort of just decency.

They make someone hold open a door or run over and help you carry something just because they took the three seconds to notice you. The kind of person that just wants to do a little bit of good here and there until they've infected the world a thousand times with a general and undeserved sense of goodwill that ripples through people's days until some dad having a shitty day at work gets home and instead of plopping down in front of their phone,

they hug their kid first. And then that kid remembers that day for years because that day was hard for them too. But in that moment, they felt loved. That's these guys. And I kind of fucking resent it too actually fuck you justin fuck all of you whatever your natural generosity you're all liars you all secretly hate poor people and this donation was basically your one black friend except for wealth instead of race. I don't know what you're doing. Fuck you. I hate you.

Alright, so we know that three out of the four of you guys can manage that. We have a few special requests coming up next. This next round of punishment is a mission for your eyes only. First up, we've got a double hit. Nilesh gave us 500 bucks for Eli and Heath to roast his wife Belinda and dog Basso. Okay, so Nilesh gave us $500 for Eli and Heath to roast his wife Belinda and dog

Basso. Okay, so Nilesh pointed out the last year we missed our target and accidentally roasted him instead of his wife. Happens sometimes. So he upped his donation this year in hopes of getting his money's worth.

And I don't know if I can do that. So I'm going to go with the dog. I'm going to go with Basso. And Basso looks like he has just always finished shitting. And I'm guessing that's because he has. I mean, this dog looks so flea bitten and wormy. The New York Times started using him as a chair and couches. All right.

So I'm roasting Belinda. And we didn't do that last time. okay we missed uh so belinda's actually very attractive she's way too attractive for you anyway i'm sorry belinda looks like she's in a jihadi hostage video and she keeps getting yelled at for smiling like an idiot it's up the tone of the shot. It's ridiculous. It's like her entire wedding vow was about aggressive Stockholm Syndrome. That was the whole thing. All right, Tom.

Luca requested you especially with like a roast for her mom, Sandy. All right, Sandy, let me tell you something. There's no easier role in the whole world to have if you just want to be loved than mom like seriously i'm not saying being a mom is easy but i'm saying that being loved as a mom that is super fucking easy it is too easy there's a thousand shitty selfish

mean-spirited moms out there and they they are still loved sandy Because if all you want is to have your kids love you, the lowest possible bar is mom. It's hard fucking wired into us. So take a moment and reflect here that you have managed to take the easiest fucking thing, something tens of thousands of years of evolution have hardwired for us, and you have behaved so shittily, you have failed so totally and so completely

that you have overridden even that which our species has relied upon for its own survival for millennia to lose your child's love means that you are a special sort of loser the kind of woman who succeeds only in failing at driving away the easiest love imaginable because you yourself are unlovable okay good time switched it back switched it back polarity back to normal dogs and cats we're living together for a second all right we're back we're back all right no i got a special request for you jordan would like a roast for his dad scott oh good i was sick of doing human beings.

And I'm not saying that because your head isn't head-shaped, Scott. I'm not saying that because your teeth look like they're about to do a musical number about how you're a bit of a fixer-upper. But it's because Jordan told me about who you are. about who you are and that hollow racist narrow-minded angry bitter kind of persona just doesn't quite rise to the level of human in my mind but for what it's worth in case you managed to hear this i want you to know that we all know your fucking secret man people have to use an imaginary god to prop up their fragile authority over their family do it because deep down they know that they do not deserve the respect they demand. And you, sir, could be a poster

child for that characteristic. Fucking asshole. Alright. Heath and Eli, this is a three for us. Tarou gave us $650 to roast... To roast Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, and Tim Robertson as God, Sarah, and Moses.

So you guys know what that means, right? Oh, doodly-doo? Doodly-doo. Doodly-doo. And so I said to him, that's not the job I was looking for, if you know what I mean. You are a sassy flirt. I am. I am.

But he just starts vomiting at that point. Rude. Excuse me. Excuse me. God, Miss Sanders. This guy again. Didn't you die? You're the worst.

Yes, sir. But that just means I end up up here with you. Depends on who you ask. What up what do you want well it's it's vulgarity for charity uh taru wants us to roast don ford and tim robertson wait really a roast of tim the the thing with his eyes wasn't enough i feel like that was enough right classic made him shaped like candy corn no i know but apparently that wasn't enough okay okay wait wait i got one uh don ford's catchphrase is voice of fantasy and adventure but maybe it should be don ford imitations of actor you could hire don ford looks like i drew yule bren an egg. Yeah, he's so stupid that they say he saw a simple sound, but sound a sizzle finger instead.

Ha, sizzle finger. Never mind. How about this? Tim likes Superman and has him as his profile picture, but I think he's mixed up Superman's eye lasers with the other direction. Yeah, Tim could have gone pro. Go pro. He looks like his best football days are behind him as equipment manager.

Tim looked like D-Bob and Rocksteady finally fucked. So, uh, are you guys going anywhere after this, or, uh? Oh, um, you want to hang out with us? It's actually kind of a we're going to

yeah it's like a private that's cool I actually I have places to be anyway sure sure next time for sure though again you're fun to hang out with listeners you weren't here but Noah Heath and Eli

actually held perfectly still for the length of that sketch. It was really impressive, actually. Yeah. That's how we make them. Thank you, Cecil. I drank a glass of water. All right. So speaking of you, Cecil, C. Picard would like you to burn either Heath, Eli, or myself, quote, like a New York pizza.

Oh, C. Picard, I feel you, bro. You got burnt pizza in New York City because everywhere you go, they have to shove it in the oven twice. What the fuck do they expect to happen with a pizza when they treat it like a biscotti? Anyway, of course I'm going to choose Eli, and this will cut deeper than he will let on.

Eli absolutely doesn't mean it when he tells the server he's sorry to be a bother. Dude, just list the things that you're not allergic to. Alright, so we're going to close out the special request with one for you, Tom. Sarah would like a roast of MLMs from you.

Okay, let's first cut the shit and call these things what they are. They are all pyramid schemes. They are scams. They are monstrous. If there exists anything more transparently mean-spirited than a business model drummed up to abuse the poor and the desperate by conning them with dreams of riches, when most of the people in them just want to keep the fucking lights on or put a working battery in their car for their winter, fucking lights on or put a working battery in the car for the winter if there's anything more crass more devoid of class and honesty than blatantly monetizing people's friendships and preying on their sense of duty and decency those people have to help those they love even when they are often

struggling themselves if there is anything more worthy of derision and disgust than selling hungry people their own desperate mouths back to them if there is anything more predatory than trying to convince 10 people of modest means to get in a room and sell each other junk they don't need until somehow they aren't broke anymore, I don't know what it is. That's so true. If the economy were a body, then MLMs would be its cancer, a runaway defect, a vicious, vindictive cruelty, capriciously cannibalizing itself and grinning like a cartoon idiot. All right. Next up, we have some folks who drop big bucks and therefore deserve a full crew roasting, starting with James, who donated $1,000 for us to roast politician Kimberly Daniels.

Oh, Kimberly Daniels. She looks like she's sick of being inside her own brain. Like the voices in her head need an intervention from themselves. Also, she looks like Felicia Rashad's tethered. So there you have it. Yeah. Wow. Kimberly Daniels, it. Yeah. Wow.

Kimberly Daniels. Yeah. I looked her up on Google Images and in every photo, I'm quite certain she's looking at a demon just hovering out of the frame, just barely right next to the person taking that picture. And she's not scared of it, though. She's just very curious about the demon that's hovering. Michelle Bachman actually has the same thing going on with a hovering penis.

Yeah. I think for Kimberly Daniels, it's something with sex and food based on the look on her face. Like a sandwich is fucking a soup or something like that. She has resting, I'm watching a sandwich demon fuck a soup. That's what she has. Accurate. No, that's absolutely true. I'm watching a sandwich demon fuck a soup accurate that's absolutely true her insanity is conspicuous against

the backdrop of Jacksonville Florida when Florida man gets home from a hard day of attacking an alligator with a Dorito bag filled with his own feces he looks over the news and he goes,

well, what the fuck is wrong with this lady, am I right? Kim is a former sex worker so sick and tired of fucking individuals she decided to fuck over large groups and get into politics. Nah, just kidding. She's a Democrat, so instead she gets fucked and she still has to wear the ballgag. Kimberly's fooling no one. I know it. She knows it. She doesn't believe

all the demon-busting exorcism bullshit. What she believes is that if she isn't outrageous, if she isn't out there, if she isn't yelling some crazy nonsense, no one will pay attention to her, and she needs it. She needs the attention because just under the surface of all that noise about Jews

and ghouls, she knows that she is hollow and discarded and irrelevant and that now she is all she will ever be and she is still nothing. You have a gift, sir. You have a fucking gift. Okay. I don't like so many people.

She really gave a speech about Jews and ghouls I looked her up Cody also gave us a thousand bucks to roast their ex-coworker and top chef contestant John Somerville thanks for teeing us the fuck up here Cody

this guy's amazing I would bet everything I own that this guy became a chef because he wanted to learn how to cook people. The ass-length dreads are a great hairstyle for a kitchen. Right? How many customers

have bit into something this dude's made and then cartoonishly pulled a three-foot hair clump out of their mouth? Stand on the table. John got kicked off his very first episode of Top Chef, and that will be his claim to shame forever. Not Top Chef contestant, certainly not chef.

Top Chef casting mistake. Also, it looks like restaurant owners are constantly having to explain to him that he can't put the word rasta in his food because the customers can't and don't want to see him yeah i'm pretty sure he got kicked off for molting on camera oh i can smell your photograph dude you look like something that was removed from a drain by a guy in a hazmat suit. Yeah, the white guy from Michigan with dreadlocks is not a good look. That's the black face of haircuts. John looks like the Predator's unsuccessful little brother who never really made it on TV or the movies.

Now he's on The Surreal Life. He or the movies now he's on the surreal life he's got a novel he's been working on and he keeps dressing up like david foster wallace but that's not helping the novel and it's just making people wish john and david foster wallace would switch timelines john looks so much like an unlik, pretentious douchebag that it looks fake, like he's wearing a Halloween costume of himself. He looks the way you would imagine smarmy would smell. John is the kind of guy who becomes really good at one thing because he hopes that that will hide the fact that he's really awful at everything else. But it doesn't. It never does because you can't cover a dog turd in sprinkles anywhere other than the MoMA and expect the world to call it beautiful.

And being good at one thing, no matter how good you might be, doesn't excuse you from being just good. So here's how the world really works for people like you. The world uses you. All anyone can care about is just that one thing. Just that one thing that you can do for them. And every other part of who you are is irrelevant because you are a function, John. An assemblage.

Everyone you meet only sees you for what you do. Stop doing it and it all crumbles because you are a house of cards. You are the single issue voter of people. A maxed out credit card of a human being. You are useful only to be used.

And when you are finally used up and squeezed dry, you will be discarded and thrown to the side because no one ever really loved you or cared about you. Once you have been eaten, John, you will be shit out and forgotten. Poetry. Poetry. Tom called you modern art. I know.

That's the worst. Yeah. No shit. All right. And for our last full team roast-tacular, Alice gave us $674 to roast elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf. Uchtdorf. Oh, Jesus. Dieter.

I bought one of those at Ikea last week. Yeah. A bitch to put together. Yeah. Dieter is to youth group leaders what mesothelioma is to skin cancer. Someone should have biopsied him a shit ton

of long ago. Never mind that gap in his teeth is wide enough to kick your gay son through. In the limited video of the speech he gave that I watched, he's the religious version of your uncle trying to post memes on Reddit. Dude, you work in a golden tower

for a secret cult that tried to overthrow the government. Stop trying to dab and stain your... That is true. Yeah, that is. Turn around at the end there. I love that this is the Mormon effort to be hip, right? This guy, this guy that looks like all the sleazy phone book lawyers had to settle on one picture to represent them.

Yeah. He looks like a Nazi from a Disney movie. He does. Like the evil assistant coach from the Mighty Ducks 8 and he takes over for Don Cherry. Oh, Mormon guy trying to tie a hobbit in the church together? Maybe the German bigot should stay away from metaphors about misappropriated jewelry. I don't know. Not your strength.

Okay, I think being named Dieter is almost roast enough, but it's not, so fuck you. An elder of the LDS church means that this guy is a leader in bringing people into a religion whose existence would only be understandable if everyone on Earth suddenly lost access to the Internet forever. Seriously, how in the world can anyone in 2019 wake up, piss away their morning wood through the hole in their magic underpants and go about their day oblivious to the fact that your religion is so utterly and completely batshit bonkers that all that South Park had to do was say it out loud to get laughs. I mean, you've dedicated your whole life to just being wrong about this. You yourself have to compare your own metaphysics to a fantasy novel to try to make sense of how you think the world works. You are a living fossil. You are outmoded, outdated, outflanked, and outmatched

by every kid that has access to Google or even Bing. You are worse than Bing. Sick burn, dude. Sick burn. That's my favorite one. Sick burn. Wow. You're Alta Vista, motherfucker. You're Lagos.

Alright, well, I think it's time for another political spightning round. You're Alta Vista, motherfucker. You're Legos. All right. Well, I think it's time for another political Spightning Round. Are you ready? Cecil, will you teach me how to do that? No, I'm not going to do that. We taught you once, and you did it on all your audio. But it was important.

No, it wasn't. Nothing you say is important. It sure wasn't. Okay, so big thanks to Chad, Thomas C., Thomas J., Kelly, Miles, and Patrick for the donations. These so-called men and women clamored past human decency in hopes of somehow having a statue erected in their honor, and while they should have known

they'd never be able to cause an erection, I want you to tell us why that statue couldn't be built. Let's start with Rob Bell. All right, well, Rob, we hired a sculptor, bought the marble. He was ready to give birth to this new creation, but we needed to shove this transvaginal ultrasound device in anything that can give birth. We couldn't figure out a way to do it without significantly damaging it forever. All right. How about Jonathan Strickland? Oh, yeah, Mr. Strickickland we tried to make your statue

we really did but it just kept turning out as time traveling george rr martin like like not exactly george rr martin like jet blue time travel where they're in flight snacks sorry what's that oh it's perfect oh okay you owe us $5.4 million for the sheer weight of clay we used to make it, and it still won't be the most government money and time you've wasted. Also, Josh Gad and Pavarotti both sued for likeness rights and for defamation of character. All right, so I'll take Adam Laxalt. I don't know.

Hey, man, we wanted to build a statue of you, but the state of Nevada has taken even longer to acknowledge your legitimacy than your father did. See, that's funny because Adam was born in 1978, but since his dad was a senator and his mom was not a senator's wife, his dad didn't admit that until 2013. And everybody at home would have laughed, too, but much like your father, they really don't know who you are.

Oh! Brutal. Alright, how about Steve King? Excellent pick. Okay, I got this one. Steve, sorry we couldn't make your statue. Every time it got close to finished, a giant crowd of proud boys with tiki torches

would show up and tackle the sculptor thinking he was attacking you with a chisel because they're idiots and don't understand what subtractive art means. But even after we got security guards in place, every time we were about to finish, there was like

evil symphony music and like chanting and like and a swarm of locusts and bees and flies. It's a lot. You have to tell us, are you Aries, the Nazi god of war? Are you? Tell us if you are.

Tell us. All right, how about Mitch McConnell? I don't know how you do this. How would you build a statue of a guy whose signature accomplishment seems to be wearing a turtleneck made of his own skin like seriously mitch mcconnell's whole career is based on not doing stuff i think we need to follow his lead we need to not build a statue of him and we need to not remember him fondly when he dies alone we need to not pretend he's anything other than the biggest cock block in american political history we need to yawn when he chokes on his own bloated neck what i'm saying is this when he eventually needs dire medical care we need to look him right

in the eye as he fades to black and we need to mitch mcconnell him yeah imagine what a challenge it would be to do that statue it's like man stone doesn't wave in the wind as his chin does. Alright, okay, one more. How about Montana Congressman Greg Gianforte? Well, this one, they actually did make a very nice statue, but out of nowhere, the mountain guy from Game of Thrones screamed, I'm sick and tired of this, and he

body slammed it and ran off. Don't worry, though, Greg, we gave him a misdemeanor to teach him a lesson. It's fine. Alright alright points all around for that one but before we wrap up tonight many of you wrote in this year because in spite of your awesomeness your parents fucking

suck somehow the charitable and venerable you rose out of what turned out to be a pile of shit a festering fecal foundation so foul that we had to ask our very own Anna Bosnick to reprise a song about it. Hit it, Anna! We got so many people who needed us to know that of all the jerks that ever jerked, their dad did surely blow. It happened yet again this year, so as we're wont to do, we avenged your spite.

Here again, that's right. It's you're a bad dad too. Well, there's Eric Staddow, the racist, gun nut, and abuser. Looks like Peter Griffin were a methadone user. Or Lucas Stadd, Keith, who's such a heinous piece of shit. Looks like someone went to Washington and stole Mike Pence's lips. Chris' dad, who's just not a Democratic fan.

Looks like a witch turned the word flaccid into a man. Or Tyson's dad, who's been in movies aired upon our show. Looks like Paul Giamatti really let himself go. You're bad dads, and it's time you fucking knew it.

All you had to do was dad, but you completely fucking blew it. Your kid gave to charity so we could write this song and tell you you're a bad dad who's doing dadding wrong. Samantha's dad, Scott, looks like a cabbage patch but glary with a mustache grown by a prepubescent Ron Jeremy. Or how about the anti-feminist dad of Mayumi? Looks like a tapeworm sprouted arms and then threatened Kasumi. Let's not forget the moms like David's mom, Sheila.

Looks like Laura Bush was pickled in an ocean of tequila. Or Deb who made real sure her children didn't go to school. Like someone shaved a bear and did its makeup not so cool. You're bad moms and it's time you fucking knew it You're bad moms and dads and you really fucking blew it Your kid gave to charity so he could write this song To tell you you're the bad guys and your parenting all wrong There's Brian's dad who's geriatric chef boy RD

Who's actually a good dad even though they disagree So happy birthday, Rick, from all the puzzle crew. See, he's a good example for all the rest of you. But we didn't simply write this song to save us all some time, or cause the Bosnics love to sing and the Lusians love to rhyme. It's to let you know from all of us at Piot that it's true. Even though your parents sucked, they did a great job making you. You had a bad dad, but you're still an awesome person. Had a bad dad or mom, but you didn't let it worsen. You stopped the cycle, hit its tracks, and did the best you could. Cause you took the bad they gave you and you turned it into good.

And on that literal note, we're going to take a break. Our next segment will be on Monday the 25th over on Cognitive Dissonance. But you still have a whole week plus a few. Well, no, not by the time you hear it, you don't even have quite a whole week. You have almost a week. So give while the giving's good. We set a really ambitious goal this year, but you can help us make it a reality tom cecil thanks again for joining us guys thanks for having us a pleasure guys donate give money to them money money modest

needs before we rinse and repeat tonight i want to beg you one last time to donate to Modest Needs while our fundraiser is still going. We set a crazy ambitious goal this year, and it looks like we might actually get there. But we need a big push in our final week. Just go to ModestNeeds.org. Give what you can. Even if you can't get the 50 bucks to get a roast, your donation still matters. It gets us closer to the goal. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Data, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this episode would ring hollow if I didn't thank Keith Enright for letting it all hang out. I need to thank Eli Bostic for not letting it all hang out. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lucians for letting me hang out for the last 20 plus years. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for all their help making Vulgarity for Charity what it is.

Incidentally, if you're not already listening to them on the Cognitive Dissonance podcast, that's really on you. You have nobody to blame for that but yourself. But I will have a link on the show notes so you can rectify that oversight i also want to thank kevin for providing this week's farnsworth quote and for doing his part to keep austin from letting texas encroach on it but most of all of course i want to thank this week's best people angela michael tyler susan chris tanner soluble hamster pivotal solutions consulting.com eric andrew charles steven other michael paul and james angela michael tyler susan and chris who are so cool that they put on gloves so the dry ice won't get cold, Tanner Soluble, Hamster, PivotalSolutionsConsulting.com, Eric and Andrew, whose IQs have more digits than their phone numbers regardless of what country

you're calling from, and Charles, Steve, and other Michael, Paul, and James, whose condoms were used to create aerial effects for his dark materials. Together, these 15 ferocious fuckers forfeited fortune to fight the forces of faith this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you should donate to Modest Needs instead. Final week, last chance. Thank you. media or an audio engineer as Morgan Clark was all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com I think you nailed it

it's good you got it he's so stupid that they say he thought a simple sound but thought a sizzle finger. This is my favorite part of the night right now. Yeah. Sorry guys. One more time.

The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.