The Scathing Atheist - 354: Giving Thanks Edition

Episode Date: November 28, 2019

In this week’s episode, we raised so much money as atheists your dad is gonna crap all over himself, America's uncles make arguments that rest on the peer-reviewed science journal called Breitbart dotcom, and Tom and Cecil will be here to find out if you were gonna finish that. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Chaotic Neutral Games here: https://m.twitch.tv/chaoticneutralgames --- Headlines: Trump adds author of Illuminati books to "Presidential Scholars" post: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/18/trump-adds-author-of-illuminati-books-to-presidential-scholars-post/ US drops on global survey of nations fighting for freedom of thought: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/13/the-u-s-drops-to-32nd-in-global-ranking-of-nations-promoting-freedom-of-thought/ KY Official: A Local Día de Muertos Event May Summon Dead People from the Grave: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/26/ky-official-a-local-dia-de-muertos-event-may-summon-dead-people-from-the-grave/ Pew Survey: Christianity is in “Rapid” Decline While “Nones” Continue Growing: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/10/17/pew-survey-christianity-is-in-rapid-decline-while-nones-continue-growing/

Rakuten's Big Give Week is back with up to 15% cash back. It's a festival of savings at your favorite stores including Timu, Lenovo Canada, and Viator. Prep for summer and save on fashion, electronics, travel, and more. It's one of Rakuten's biggest cash back events and it's on May 7th through May 14th. Join today for free and get a $5 bonus. Go to rakuten.ca or download the Rakuten app today. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Shoppers get it. Warning, this episode is going to have more profanity than a Thanksgiving Day argument. Seriously, bring up abortion, tally up the fucks, and check it against our total.

I'm confident. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by how much more money we raised for charity than your shitty Trump-supporting uncle. How much more money we raised for charity than your shitty Trump-supporting uncle. It's a lot more. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Simon, Dungeon Master for the D&D Twitch stream Chaotic Neutral Games. As a real god, I can reveal that we did indeed evolve from filthy monkey men. Now roll initiative, bitches.

It's Thanksgiving. It's November 28th. And you get to rub how much money you raised for atheism in everyone's faces. Damn right you do. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Antonin Scalia's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

Oh, this week's episode? Seriously, we raised so much money as atheists, your dad's going to shit himself. It's really funny. America's uncles make arguments that rest on the peer-reviewed science journal called Breitbart.com. And Tom and Cecil will be here to find out if you were going to finish that. But first, I was the diatribe. I felt bad Saturday night.

I was driving down to St. Augustine to see a buddy of mine that I hadn't seen in several years. I get a message from Tim. Now, I say at the end of the show that he does our social media. The truth is he does all kinds of different shit. And among his ad hoc responsibilities at the moment is helping Tom's wife, Haley, keep track of all the donations that are pouring in from Vulgarity for Charity. So I glance at the message while I'm driving because I'm bad to the fucking bone, and I learn that we just cracked our $100,000 goal and maxed out the match with four days left to go.

And sure, I was mostly elated, but I also felt bad because I was about to walk into my buddy's house and say, yeah, the annual charity fundraiser I do just raised us a fifth of a million dollars. And after that, pretty much anything he'd accomplished in the last four or five years was going to seem lame in comparison, right? So yeah, I got to admit, I have an awful lot to be thankful for today, as do the hundreds and hundreds of families all over the country whose bills are paid, whose lights are back on, whose cars are repaired, whose medicine is stocked up, and whose families are suddenly going to have a much brighter holiday because of you. Let me tell you how generous you motherfuckers are.

There's an anonymous donor that agreed to match every dollar we raised up to $100,000. But when they found out that you guys maxed that out with most of a week left in the drive, they upped their match to $125,000. Which means you guys are so goddamn generous that a person who was giving $125,000, which means you guys are so goddamn generous that a person who was giving $100,000 to charity anonymously had to sit back and think, shit, am I really doing enough? Right?

Like, oh, so now, like most of you, I got a bunch of family shit going on this week, so I had to record a bit earlier than usual. But even now, I'm recording this shit on Monday. We're over $110,000 before the match. I'd love to give you a total, but you're going to have to go on Facebook or Twitter or something or wait until next week's episode to find that out. But I'll tell you now, it's going to be a huge fucking number.

In fact, I actually had to start writing this diatribe on Friday because of my upcoming trip. And even then, I just wrote in a whole bit where I congratulated you guys for crushing the goal, right? I'm like, you know, if I had to bank the diatribe for this episode back in June, I'd have been confident enough to just say, yeah, congratulations, guys. We went fucking nuts and doubled the goal from last year, but you made it happen because you know what? We've been doing this fucking podcast for seven years. And in that time, you have never let me down. Every goal that we've put in front of you, everything that we've asked for you to do, every challenge that we've issued to you, you have met and exceeded. When we needed votes to win a podcast award, you came through.

When we needed survey results to get advertisers, you broke their fucking records. When I lost my job, I came to you with my hat in my hand. I said, hey, tell you what, if you start paying me for this, I'll do it full time. You said yes. When I said, hey, sure would be nice if Heath could do it full time, too. You said yes. When I said, hey, my buddy Eli sure would like to podcast for a living too. You said yes.

And when we started feeling guilty about monopolizing your boundless generosity and we asked you to prove that atheists are as generous as any other group of people, you said yes so goddamn loud that they can hear it echoing in the churches. You know, we try really hard to return the favor. In seven years of recording this show, we've still never missed a week. We've still never posted an episode late. There was one where it was like misdirected and it came out late,

but it was like post, it was there. You couldn't, your RSS feed wouldn't get it. But look, this is a week when many of your favorite podcasters are taking the week off. We're here with all new shit again for the 354th week in a row. Still, I know that I've fallen short here and there.

Right? There have been diatribes where my heart wasn't really into it. There have been weeks when we weren't as funny as you wanted us to be, or when we didn't address the story or the controversy that you wanted us to address, or when the audio quality has been subpar, or when a mistake slipped into the edit. We've been late getting our Patreon rewards out. I'm way behind getting the diatribe books together. It's taken us nearly a full year to work our way through all the vulgarity for cherry roasts. Last time we did this and we still missed a few. And I'm not pointing any of that out in an effort at modesty. By the time you hear this, we may have raised a quarter of a million dollars for families in need. Believe me, I'm not going to be feeling modest anytime soon. But I bring it up because I want to be clear

that I don't have the same unblemished track record as you guys do. I know that we've fallen short on a few goals, specifically promises that we've made in relation to fundraising goals. I mean, fuck, we promised to eat a Jim Baker bucket as part of a fundraiser, and it took nearly two years for us to make good on that. And there may be those of you with long memories that fear I'm about to do that again. As you probably recall, the only promise we made this year beyond the roasts was that if we reached our $100,000 goal and maxed out the match, I'd quit smoking. Cigarettes. Got to be super clear on that.

I'm quitting tobacco, unless it's a blunt wrapper. And that's really hard to do, or so I hear. Never tried it myself, but I've heard it's very difficult. And maybe some of you fear that I don't have what it takes, that I won't be able to make good on this commitment, that anybody who can work himself into an apoplectic rage about exit 32B or people who don't put away their shopping carts will rip his own head from his neck within 48 hours of nicotine withdrawal. And that's fair.

I deserve that. But I'm pretty confident on this one. And here's why. You. See, I hate to admit this, but I've been using you this whole time. The charity too. I realized earlier this year that this was my fucking year. I needed to do it. It was a now or never spot with cigarettes. I needed to give them the fuck up, but I didn't think I could do it on my own. And that's why I tied it to this charity. My own health was not enough to carry me through it. My desire to once more be allowed within 100 feet of the entrance wasn't enough to do it.

The thousands of dollars I piss away every year buying my own cancer wasn't enough to do it. But if there's anything strong enough, it's going to be a commitment that I made to you. And I know that that's cheesy as all hell, but it's the truth. And you know what? I'm about to quit smoking, so it's probably going to be a while before I can manage one of these sweet, sentimental diatribes again. So I might as well get it out while I can.

Happy Thanksgiving, folks. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are nobody, because we're all stuck eating with people that we like less than you but this didn't exactly catch us off guard so we've been stocking up a few headlines that didn't quite make the show over the last couple of months so without further ado we'll join headlines from the past already in progress and in white scholar crime news donald trump recently announced the authors that he's

planning to appoint for membership in the commission of presidential scholars which to be fair is a commission we 100 should have disbanded when he became yes right we should have known better yes yes they should have just exploded that little seal that goes on their book or whatever and just all ran away. So in his expert capacity as the scholar who founded

Trump University, the president eventually managed to come up with nine people who are technically writers of books and things. Who the dictionary who did that one put that one love that guy but not before he got angry got some help and then inserted a crazy person of his own into the list that he got help with that's clearly what happened like some aide at the white house told him to name his favorite authors for this thing

and trump was like, bring, bring. And he ran away to get a fake phone call from his apparently fake rotary phone that he made up. He made tall Tyler go find some, I don't know, bookmakers and then added the only one he could think of himself, which happens to be a con man who writes about illuminati magic and also founded a bullshit online academy that gives out meaningless degrees just like trump university i'm just picturing like the overly caucasian version of eli trying to name football players like it's just like marvell hoffenhofer the. You are picturing correctly. Yeah, I just don't do the voice at all.

Yeah, other than that. Also, Eli is the overly Caucasian version of Eli, but I know what you're saying. That's true. Yeah, the player. The con man writer in question that I was talking about is George Mentz of Colorado Springs, Colorado. And based on the photo from his website,

he is the creepy alum who still hangs out at Slytherin house as an adult. Yep. That's fun. 100%. And just to give everyone a quick idea of his presidential level scholarship, Mentz is the author of the Illuminati secret laws of money, the wealth mindset manifesto, the life changing magic and habits of spiritual mastery. That was one title. Illuminati Secret Laws of Money, The Wealth Mindset Manifesto, The Life-Changing Magic and Habits of Spiritual Mastery.

That was one title. What? That was all one. Did all of his personalities have to compromise there? They did, and they got into a fight. Yeah. He also wrote Success Magic, The Prosperity to Win with Mag spiritual power how to grow rich influence people protect your mindset and love yourself like a warrior using timeless abundance secrets that's also one title did no one tell him the title isn't included in the word count okay i know we don't

have time but i desperately want to do a deep deep dive into what he thinks protecting your mindset means. I want to know about loving yourself like a warrior. But yeah, you know, we each have our own. Yeah. And circling back to the fake university thing, George Mentz is the owner of the Global Academy of Finance and Management. Gatham. Incorrect.

Gowam. Correct. Gao Pham. And he's also the former CEO of the American Academy of Financial Management. Aphm. Aphm. Well, Aphm is global now. I guess he started teaching about math for the whole fucking world,

so they changed the name. Either way, it's still a giant scam, as exposed multiple times by the wall street journal regardless it still exists and if you have some money you can get yourself over a hundred different made-up titles including certified political scientists a certified one also certified talent practitioner wow just you can that's broad talents in a certified way i guess also uh this is my favorite one you could become a master islamic financial specialist huh yeah not a master's degree, though. No, right, right. Yeah, but the important question is, can I get certified to love myself like a warrior? Yeah.

Also, fun fact, master Islamic financial specialist, that's actually a choose-your-own-adventure class. If you're not born on an oil well that you own, you get killed in a drone strike when you're nine. So it's a fun little two outcomes in that class. Yeah. I choose royalty, I guess.

And in God and country news tonight, Humanist International just released their eighth annual Freedom of Thought report, a global survey that we've been covering on the show since literally episode one. And the bottom line from this year's report is that Earth still isn't good. On the positive side, they highlight eight countries that have repealed or are on the verge of repealing blasphemy laws since 2015. On the negative side, they point out that there even were blasphemy laws in 2015. God. Right. Also, the fact that many nations that still do enforce blasphemy laws have actually ramped up enforcement and punishment over that same period.

People have emailed each other about what the appropriate punishment for offending God is. Yes, right. They've used satellites to do that. Yeah. How do you ramp up the enforcement on that? What does that even mean? Just those emails are like, all right, re blasphemy police. I was thinking stop and frisk for podcast.

Interesting. And cover your guys think? Interesting. And cover your food in the microwave. Use the little domey thing. I bought the domey thing. You guys are assholes. The way they ramp it up, by the way, is by killing the people that do it. That's what that means. More.

Killing them more. More double killing. Killing them instead of just whipping them publicly. Yeah. All right. So in all, 69 countries still have laws on the books against blasphemy. Less nice. Yeah.

That's better than one out of three countries. In six of them, it's a capital offense. Additionally, 18 countries punish apostasy, and you can lose your life at least theoretically for that in at least 12 of them. Of course, these are the most extreme forms of prejudice that the report outlines but there's also plenty of countries with lesser forms of discrimination against atheists including reserving public offices for people of a certain religion and laws that exclude atheists from marriage and revoke their parental rights uh

asking for a friend which countries revoke your parental rights yeah and tom is the friend yeah no i figured he's gonna be here later i'll tell him yeah um of course after eight years of perusing for a friend, which countries revoke your parental rights? Yeah, and Tom is the friend. Yeah, no, I figured. He's going to be here later. I'll tell him. Of course, after eight years of perusing this report, we've come to expect all of that, but there was one major change in this year's iteration that deserves a special note.

The overall ranking of the U.S. in terms of commitment to religious freedom dropped from eighth in the world to 30 fucking seconds. Woo! And that's not because a bunch of other countries really upped their game. dropped from eighth in the world to 30 fucking seconds. Woo. And that's not because a bunch of other countries really up their game. It's because when you're anti fucking, you can't maintain your majority, but still want to maintain your power.

So that's one to keep an eye on. Oh, America is going to send terrifying humanist international a note about what a hard semester it's been. And if there's a way to make up extra credit all right we got one guy who like really really is a jew can you like weigh that i do have six grandmas and she died yes they're all they died all in a row next up headlines we have a story about magical mexican zombies and their effect on the people of Kentucky. So here's a real thing that happened.

The city of Henderson, Kentucky, is hosting a celebration for El Dia de Muertos, a Mexican holiday also known as the Day of the Dead, which honors people who have passed on. Or as listeners with children may know it, that holiday from okay yeah i don't know what that is that makes sense oh you gotta watch coco yeah the fucked up thing is eli doesn't have children i just like coco excuse me for liking coco okay there we go all right so the event in in Henderson, it includes a mariachi band, no doubt put together with all the cultural sensitivity that Kentucky has to offer. Also face painting, again, culturally sensitive, I'm sure. Food trucks on every corner and some other traditional cultural activities. And that's why the grownups who run that local government are having a panicky meltdown because they're pretty sure the traditional cultural activities part is secret code for reanimating dead Mexican people. And apparently that's a major safety risk in Henderson, Kentucky.

I'm pretty sure that the Kentucky understanding of Mexican immigrant and Mexican zombie is interchangeable. So I just I don't understand why they're more worried now. Wouldn't that just make the Mexicans slower? Yeah. Well, they can't pay a high school dropout 25K a year to destroy food and water. A Mexican zombie needs to survive in the desert. Oh, right. Yeah.

Gotcha. This makes sense now. All right. Oh, right. Gotcha. This makes sense now. All right. So the very real, again, adult who raised the red flag on this holiday is City Commissioner Patty Bug with two Gs. So it's not silly.

It might have sounded silly. It's two Gs. Her name's Patty Bug. And here's what Bug had to say during an interview with the local news. Quote. This is the greatest quote ever. I cannot believe this quote. It's amazing.

I'd imagine that 99% of the Day of the Dead is probably innocent. I'm going to say sick. I think if you want to honor your loved ones, that's the end of that sentence. If you want to honor your loved ones, that's the end of that sentence. I think the only challenge is if they actually try to summons somebody else, sick again, you know, a loved one from the grave. Then I think they're asking for some serious stuff. As a Christian, I don't think they can do that. Sick. End quote.

See, you know what? As an atheist, I also don't think they can do that. Sick. End quote. See, you know what? As an atheist, I also don't think they can do that. You know what, Patty? I'm going to go ahead and state unequivocally that Mexicans cannot use Aztec wizardry to summon the fucking dead, irrespective of the religion of the observer. Okay. But have you seen Coco Noah? It makes a strong case for trying right hold on e equals mc no that doesn't relate it doesn't relate yeah so i think patty bug got

confused by words again yep we haven't covered her before but i'm quite certain that's a normal occurrence in her life or maybe she just forgot a period in there so maybe she meant to say as a christian i don't think they can do that oh there you go yeah that's that is better one little dot it fixed your whole idea regardless if anyone listening is near henderson kentucky and you're able to bury yourself in the ground near Patty Bugs' house. And then have a mariachi band play music until you rise from the ground. You get so many goddamn Heath Bucks. It's not like all the Heath Bucks. You can redeem them on a fuck tour soon.

You have to get it on camera, though. Get the fuck out. And in PU news tonight, the Pew Research study on religion, which is why I made that amazing pun at the beginning of my headline, is among the most extensive and thorough in the world. Their 2007 and 2014 studies

included responses from over 35,000 participants. And while we won't see the results of the next full PRS until 2022, they've recently released what many are calling their midterm predictions. And the good news is we are fucking doing it. Really? Yep. If it's possible for a podcast to be winning, this one is winning because from 2007, Christianity has dropped from 78% of the population down to 65%. That was us.

In a reduction so drastic, it is rivaled only by my hair loss. And if you think about this, we debuted in 2012, right? We're so good, we unchristian people retroactively at that point. Yeah. You're welcome. You're all welcome. But, but. Worst time to mention.

To make it better, much like my lower back hair, the number of nuns, or those who don't identify with any particular religion, a.k.a. cowards, has gone from 16% to 26%. One out of four. Baby! Yeah, that's huge unfortunately it's not the 4th with the easy access to stamps but still yay right

and as for us happy few atheists we're still small but we are mighty climbing from 2 to 4% and if my math is correct it is not I'm just going to stop here

by the year 2030 atheists will make up 100 percent of the u.s population no but but to be fair though if we just get to keep applying that same rate we're gonna exceed 100 by more than a quarter in 35 years so that's good it's closer than you thought thank you thank you so good news here on the scathing atheist. And that's a rare gift for us in 2019. So we will take it. There you go.

You're welcome. What an interesting comment you just made Heath, Eli or, or myself. Well, I suppose on that note, we're going to close out the headlines for the night. Pre-recorded Heath and Eli.

Thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will come back for thirds. This Thanksgiving, hundreds of families all over the country are giving thanks for you. But when we achieve a lofty ambition like maxing out a six-figure charitable match, it's not enough to tell you how great you are. We also have to tell you how great a bunch of other motherfuckers

aren't. So to help out with that, we're happy to welcome back the meatballs to our spaghetti, Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast. Tom, Cecil, welcome back, guys. Ooh, spaghetti. Heath will put that on a fucking pizza then. Yeah, I don't doubt it for a vodka yeah jesus christ read a book i've been carb loading in advance of this pizza so yeah

so you can get through it yeah that that's crazy you guys need to learn now before we begin the roasting proper we've already begun the roasting just not the roasting proper we want to give a huge thanks to those folks who donated just to help out mike james tim andy sam melanie nicole our favorite listener april puff who donated a second time by the way you stay away from me i will fuck your dad wait what stay away from april hi april i'll cut you cecil i will cut you. That's the challenge, right? I choose rapiers.

Rapiers it is. I take it back. It's not a challenge. Okay, I wasn't. I have more of my list. Also, Ray, Keith, Mark, Chris, Nicole, Jared, Heidi, Justin, Sally, Beverly, Daryl, Amy, Marvin, Kristen, Ann, Zach, Bill, Alicia, Sean, Samantha, Rob, James, Evan, John, Peter, Thomas, Alan, Andrew, Trent, Steve, Claudia, Rebecca,

Mayumi, Samuel, Tabitha, and Eli's mom. Hi, Eli's mom. Hi, Eli's mom. With extra special thanks. Yeah. Who are you going to fuck now, Eli? Who are you going to fuck now? And extra special thanks to Howard who gave 500 bucks for us to hold down Heath and make him look at his dog.

Which is what we did. Yeah. I don't think that's how he meant it. That was crazy. Better safe than sorry. Better safe. And extra super special thanks to Cameron, Evan, and the one and only Andrew Torres, who all gave us $1,000 out of the goodness of their rootin' tootin' hearts. What?

I'm sorry, rootin' tootin', Eli. I have set up 400 jokes in the last three weeks you will say what is in the script or i will put a bullet through my eye no okay i'd like to vote on that let's take two votes gentlemen two votes you know what we're not gonna vote this time luckily eli you won the electoral college of this podcast still have my vote so though. We record my votes. My Chad's not hanging. Sorry, man. You're California. You don't count. All right. So first up, Yesh gave us $100 to roast Alan Dershowitz.

Heath, have at it. Wow. That's a great pick. Alan Dershowitz, the defense lawyer for OJ Simpson, Harvey Weinstein, and Jeffrey Epstein. What the fuck are you doing, man? Stop asking yourself to hold your own beer. Nobody's winning this game.

Reject an offer one time. You're the Nicolas Cage of defense lawyers. Well, if Nick Cage was defending rapists in biopics about you alan dershowitz this was 1945 you'd be just doing your job at a defense table in fuck okay well i didn't want to go full godwin like that with a jewish guy but there's literally no other way to finish that

series. OJ Simpson, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, blank. It's Hitler. Well, okay, wait, except maybe Donald Trump. So yeah, Alan Dershowitz, just make sure you don't write a book called called The Case Against Impeaching Trump, and it's too bad. You're the worst. Not okay, Boomer. Bad Boomer. All right, so see, so Bart would like a roast for his friend Matt. Okay. Matt looks like he's cornered you at a friend's party and won't shut up about his podcast, Tracing Cars,

where he and a buddy break down the extensive origins and meaning of every Snow Patrol song. It looks like he's about to mansplain about the banana esters in his craft beer. Okay, this one's for you, Noah. Dino would like a roast of the fourth chapter of the AA handbook. Okay, yeah, so first of all,

fuck you for making me read this thing. Wait, these guys have to look at a picture and say, oh, you look like SpongeBob Poop. I got to read a 14-page who's who of bad apologetics from an asshole that capitalizes power and knows I think I'm an atheist. Jesus. Because apparently the Bible, the Quran, the Book of Mormon

and case for fucking Christ weren't enough for Adino. I gotta learn how the true source of atheism is, quote, obstinacy, sensitiveness and unreasoning prejudice, end quote. From an ex-atheist, you know, like Kurt Cameron, who used to get

up every morning and put on his atheist hat. We have hats, right? Just like me. But then one day he noticed the stars and thought, wait, who the fuck made those and never drank alcohol again? Oh, God. Jesus.

So fuck you, chapter four of the AA handbook. May you be recycled as an anal suppository, preferably when I'm holding you and have the fuck monkey who wrote you in the same room. Alright, Eli, David would like a roast for his twin sister, Tori, and her boyfriend, Jim. Okay, well, so this is a hard one

because David never sent along a picture, but he did say they were gun-toting evangelicals, so I'm going to go with the numbers for this roast. Statistically, you look like he's going to shoot you in the face during a domestic incident. Oh, shit. She looks like she has one quarter of the orgasms of the average atheist. And he looks like he pretends not to hear the name she says one quarter of the time.

Also, apparently their Facebook is so bad, David had to block them. So I friended them and am turning the screenshots so that their children's children's children have a chance to be ashamed. They got you. All right, Tom, Michael would like a roast from you for his ex-stepfather, Larry.

Okay, awesome. This is great. Thanks for making me read these. Larry is one of those guys who thinks he's a big man because he's tough enough to pick on people that are weaker, less powerful, smaller, like children. But the truth is there's nobody smaller than Larry. Guys like Larry don't actually have power.

They're abusive because they're weak, and they know it, and they're afraid. Larry is a craven tantrum of a man a small man eclipsed by even shadows of power larry's world can only shrink and grow less and less as he grows more and more frail until he's consumed by his misery a squalling mewling man-child whose best contribution to the world will be releasing his carbon back to the earth. It's like Loki doing a roast. All right, next up, we got around a special request to roast our favorite things.

Eli, you're up first, and you were asked by Dancing Sifaka and Blake to roast your best friend, Cecil. Absolutely not. I roasted Liz Warren. You do this. Okay, I understand that, but Cecil actually has a chance of becoming president. I will stab you. I will stab you again once he's done.

Yeah, and if you keep saying I could be president, Tulsi Gabbard will also stab you. Calm down. All right. Fine, fine, fine. Cecil looks like the Geico caveman's abusive dad. Cecil's such a sword nerd that when he gets outfit stuff for his birthday, he's the one wearing the outfit.

I'm the reigning champ at ugly sweater contests. I just take off my shirt. That's all I do. I win every time. All right, Heath, you're up next. Marius would like you to roast scotch. Wow, okay. That's actually a pretty good idea.

So scotch is the bigoted gatekeeper of liquor. Scotch is the bouncer at the front door of the segregated country club of liquor. It's the Jeffrey Epstein of drinks. It's enjoyed by old white men arguing about whether they prefer 12, 14, or 16. Gross. That's good.

All right, Noah, fair is fair. John would like you to roast smoking. Kevin and Lisa would like you to roast smokers. Colin and Dustin would like you to roast your favorite brand of cigarettes. And Nancy gave us $1,000 for you to roast cigarettes in general. So combine all those, make it a good one. All right, yeah, no, you guys only had to do one, but that's fine. Okay, so my brand is slash was Camels.

So that's easy. That's a company that was told they couldn't have a talking cartoon animal as their mascot, so they turned their packaging into a goddamn coloring book. Seriously, that's what it is. Now check that out. With that kind of disregard for the well-being of children, they're basically just a DHS with a marketing department. Look, I know we take a lot

of shit, but we deserve it. We're so cartoonishly stupid. We're basically the antagonists in a children's book. We pay for something that stinks, makes us social outcasts, makes us impossible to get along with on a long flight, and then kills us. And that's its only function.

It's like we're paying alimony to our ability to reason. And cigarettes? You're tiny little dicks, okay? If our society wasn't so homophobic and sex negative, we never even would have thought you up. At least have the decency to

be a fucking cigar. Alright, Cecil. Let me guess. Jogging? Sword stuff? Nope. Nope. Andrew gave us $400 for you to roast

your not best friend, Eli. Oh, that's super easy. All right. Eli has never had a single piece of clothing that looks good on him. Everything he owns

looks like a fitted sheet for a different size mattress. owns looks like a fitted sheet for a different size mattress. He looks like an animate beanbag chair. It's impossible to fold to paint the outside. I am impossible to fold. That's true. Yeah. And finally, Tom, Elijah gave us $150 for you

to roast your lovely wife, Haley, who, along with Tim Robertson, processed all of our contributions into a usable system this year. So, for the love of God, pull your punches, bro. So funny, Elijah. So clever. Gonna back me into a corner and make me

roast my wife, knowing that the whole shtick of mine is being as mean as possible. Oh, how could I possibly be true to my format? Not being the doghouse now. Oh, me, oh, my. Whatever shall I do? You underestimate me, Elijah. Haley is so lazy, she almost never even bothers to wear pants, preferring instead to spend

her days dancing and lying about in her underwear. wear pants, preferring instead to spend her days dancing and lying about in her underwear. Haley's life is a misery, a farce, a daily terror she endures only because, despite her uncanny beauty, she only managed to secure for herself me as her husband.

Sometimes Haley spends the whole day just doing something she loves or getting lost in a project, her time slipping past her hour by hour until eventually she will look up someday and reflect on a life wasted, spent only in pursuit of the things and people she loves. And she will die gasping her last breath, deeply sexually satisfied. 20 bucks says that person complains about their roast, too. Yeah.

I feel like we might need a refund on that one. All right. Well, apparently to hear the real roast, we're going to have to turn off the recorder for a second. So we're going to do that. And as we do, we'll turn things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage. Well, if it isn't my favorite part of the year, that annual occasion where I get to set aside reading about the worst news in favor of reading about the worst people. One way or the other, I'm always happy to let slip the bitches of war. First up, Chris would like a roast for smokers, and I'm told you're too good looking doesn't count.

So how about this? Hey, smokers, nice lungs. You get those paved on our national highway or you do them yourself. See? Roasted. Next up, Robin requested a roast for her cats, Hannah and Dory, and wrote a goddamn accompanying novella about them. Seriously, we have people who just send a picture of their ex-wives, and Robin sent us so much information on these fur balls, it's like she's been red sparrowing them deep undercover since

she got them. But I digress. Hannah, you aren't fooling anybody with those big eyes or your claims of being Rubenesque. You're a fat kitty and you know it. You're so fat the auto feeders your parents got you for Christmas unionized. And Dory, I don't care what Robin says, you are the most malicious looking creature I've ever seen. Admit it when you're not busy beating the crap out of your siblings, you spend the rest of your time plotting how you're going to finally do away with Robin. I know that look. All right. After that, Lilith requested I roast TERFs, and I am more than happy to oblige.

Hey, TERFs, if your feminism is based on exclusivity, you're not looking for feminism. You're looking for a fucking clubhouse. And look, bigots I can deal with. Bigots are my bread and butter. Look, bigots I can deal with. Bigots are my bread and butter. But bigots that dress their bigotry up in the tumblerized language of oppression that you couldn't study if you tried is a whole new level of low. Anti-feminist might be pick me, pick me.

But TERFs are pick just me. So go fuck yourselves. Next up, Mark gave me money to roast the misogynist of my choice. Thank you, Mark. I shall. And you know who I'll choose? The Forensic Virginity Detective of the Week, T.I. I know the boys talked about this in headlines, but fuck, that dude is creepy. Sexism aside, you look like someone wrung out iced tea like a sponge and then asked him to solve an advanced calculus problem.

And there's no fucking way I'm watching your Law & Order spinoff, dude. Anyway. Okay, we've also got a request from Jennifer for me to roast periods. And holy shit, do I wish those bitches had a face I could punch them in. Gas, pain, bloating, and emotional outburst. What am I, aware, Eli? Who the fuck thought it was a good idea for your body to reenact a breakup in a taco bell once a month? Jesus. Ken requested a roast of himself from either myself or Tom,

which I'd be happy to do if you'd send in a picture of something other than an extreme close-up of your thumb. Sorry, my apologies. That's your face. Seriously, Ken, you look like an insensitive character in a movie about the circus. You look like you've been escorted into the zoo by accident on multiple occasions. And last but certainly not least, Cassidy requested a roast of her parents, Barbara and Chris. And look, I gotta hand it to them. They're so committed to the pyramid schemes that they took on their shape. Thank God for recessive genes, Cassidy. Because when I try to picture the child these two

sons of bitches could produce, it's a dollar store Nerf football. They look like they're returning a condom to goodwill. But I'll say this for them. They had one awesome ass kid, and don't you forget it. And with that out of my system, I'll turn things back over to Noahah heath eli cecil and tom thank you lucinda and if i do say so myself sick burns all right gentlemen it's time for another spikening round and i know this will shock you but i've got some more politicians for you big thanks to andy with an eye james bill michael alex chad patrick and katie now for this episode, this is going to air on Thanksgiving. So in that theme, your challenge for this spightening round is to deliver your roast as a backhanded compliment,

starting with Kenny Heslip. Ooh, I'll take Kenny. Hey, Kenny, way to stand up for yourself, dude, with that revenge porn. No better way to show you're the bigger person than with photos of how much hotter the chick she was fucking was than you. You got her. All right.

How about Kansas politicians? Oh, well done. Politicians in Kansas. I mean, it is not an easy thing to secure both of the literate votes available in your state. But you guys managed to nail it. All right. How about Ben Sass?ass oh i got this one all right hey ben you are an impressive ventriloquist somehow you managed to announce your never trump

stance with donald trump's dick in your mouth at that exact moment so impressive And then again, while you drank a glass of his digested water. Pee. You drank pee. Trump's pee. Talking about urine. All right. How about Matt Bevin? Matt, you seem like the kind of guy who never gives up, even after you've clearly lost.

Yeah, right. You just never give up. Never give up. All right. So I'll take Steve Mnuchin, who prefers to be called Steven. Hey, Steve. Those glasses do a great job of hiding the shame you feel at not having the courage to do more than threaten to protest when your boss dubbed neo-Nazis very fine people. You're doing well at the synagogue.

All right. How about Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison? All right. Scott Morrison is the kind of guy who plans ahead. Can't bury your head in the sand if you don't reduce your country to rubble first. House Speaker Mike Madigan. Oh, Speaker Madigan, you really are such a maverick. You make your own rules.

And it's just that most people don't have to worry about the rules being deemed unconstitutional. All right. So finally for this round, how about Greg Gianforte? Great. All right. I got this one. Greg, you are an amazing actor. I loved you in the Capitol Hills Have Eyes.

By the way, the old version, the 70s version, look it up. He looks exactly like that guy now. No, he doesn't. He's included in a photo. He's included in a up. He looks exactly like that guy now. No, he doesn't. He's included a photo. No, it's right there. And you can't really tell which one is which. Yeah. All right. Well done. But since it's Thanksgiving, let's go back

for seconds with another round of requests. I mean, I do have room for PewDiePie. Oh, Thanksgiving shit. All right. Heath's an Eli. I got a two for you. Melanie would like Heath to roast her kids and Eli to roast her sister. All right.

I'm doing the kids. Melanie's kids look like they got waitlisted to be models for a whites only clothing store called J. Crow. They're like off brand fuck dolls at Sex Toys R Us. The go-bots of that. Just want to throw out there, I see what Melanie did here. Heath roasts the kids and I have to roast the hot, smoking, intelligent older woman.

I see you, Melanie, and well played. Well, Leslie looks like nobody noticed she's supposed to be the sexy version of whatever her Halloween costume is for the last six years. She looks like Elvira's younger sister who you settle on right before midnight on New Year's Eve. Also, I've emailed her Heath's number. And I will email you these children.

Follow them. All right. So, Cecil, one for you. This is a ketchup roast that fell through the cracks last year. Brian needs a roast for his friend, John. Oh, okay. Well, John, he looks like he's totally not into meeting Matt Dillahunty here in this photo.

Matt, by the way, is in an old-timey ship captain's coat. He looks like a well-fed Pirate Roberts here. John is the kind of guy that if he wasn't so healthy while the rock climbing and surfing and veganism, he would definitely roll up a pack of cigarettes in his shirt sleeve. He looks

like he goes to the tattoo artist asking if there's any way they can fit another rose dripping tears onto his arm. Okay, Noah, this one's for you. Patrick would like a roast for Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph. Oh, nice, nice. Tee me up for one, finally. Okay. Why are you bitching

at Miles Garrett, dude? If it hadn't been for that shot with the helmet, nothing of yours would have been on target that entire goddamn night. Jesus, dude, you're a second string to a rapist. I missed the other guy already so tom your mission should you choose to accept it is to give a little your signature sting to glenn's ex-friend brendan all right well roasting brendan is kind of dangerous after all anything

might make him sweat more seems like a price we'll all pay in the end but i'll give it a whirl uh brendan is one of those guys driven to pettiness and cruelty in an attempt to manipulate and control other people. He's a guy who thinks the world is his chessboard and the people in it his pawns to control, but he misunderstands the purpose of the game. You don't win by controlling people

and bending them to your whim. You win by being happy, you stupid son of a bitch, by having a rich and fulfilling life that brings you joy and by having relationships that matter to you and that bring value to you on a daily basis. That's the game, Brendan. And you're losing it badly. And despite your protestations to the contrary, you're unaware that you're losing.

Even as you celebrate your tiny victories, your control, you are losing more and more each day. And when the score is finally tallied and you are staring at the desperate futility of your vacant life bereft of meaningful friendships, I can only hope that you have time to regret it. All right. regret it. Alright. Now before we roll out our last round of roasts, Nikki, Lisa, Matt, Steven, Adris, Brian, Rupeet, Elizabeth, and Jesse donated for us to roast whoever we like, with

Steven donating $1,000. So gentlemen, go ahead and grind your gears. Not so fast, Noah. A couple stipulations here. Jesse would like Eli to roast his choice as Melania, and Lisa would like you to talk fast. Okay. Can do.

Can do. Well, hello. It's me, Manifest Trump. Here to tell you about my favorite kind of journalism. We've never been more divided hot takes. Oh, wow. Journalism. Do you think we're divanging right now? Whatever could be the cause. more divided hot takes. Oh, wow, journalism. You think

we're divanging right now? Whatever could be the cause. Could it be the press munging is leaving off of pretending there's two sides to our Mexicans' human question? We're not divided. Half of us are montars. But you know, you do have a point.

After all, the press has never been more divided between cowards and liars. Congrats on picking me for. Look great. I can do that all day forever. If you guys, he writes this phonetically. Yeah, he does. The writing of this roast is fucking pathetic.

He writes his normal stuff phonetically too. Yeah, he does. Yeah, just throws his fucking... He writes his normal stuff phonetically, too. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. Yeah, no, actually, he doesn't. This was him going for the correct spellings on all of them. That's amazing. All right.

Anything we want. I like that. We should get more requests like this. All right. Hey, guy giving the tour of the Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit at the Guggenheim. Stop being a pretentious fuck. You're the worst. Stop pausing for 30 seconds like you're coming up with your extremely

rehearsed line about a reimagining of the conceptual penis. You obviously already knew you were going to say that. Don't pause. That photo of a black penis isn't a deconstruction of the African experience. It's just a nerd who wanted't a deconstruction of the African experience. It's just a nerd who wanted to fuck that beautiful black man in the thing.

And that's fine. It's a great photograph. Just let us enjoy the art. And stop waving around that Philip Roth novel in your hand. Ridiculous. Maybe just print out your SAT verbal score and wave that around. That'd be a lot more subtle. Jesus.

Name another Philip Roth novel. Too slow. Yeah, that's awesome. These things are always so hard to do because there's so many people I don't like. But right now, in this moment, I think I don't like the Amish. Like, fuck you and your little horse and buggy incest cult. You checked out

a society and then arbitrarily decided to wake up in the 1800s. That's cute, but you're fucking lying. You're driving around your horses on the roads we built. You enjoy the fruits of the labors of modern living while cosplaying at the past, all so you can not shave your way into heaven. You're a bunch of fucking liars with your bullshit rum spring. Oh, go ahead and leave. but here's no education and no resources and you lose everything but hey choice is yours teenager fuck you none of you are cute or quaint you're a bunch of fucking liars you're controlling and manipulative and you're just a big fucking

abusive cult and i have a dining room set from you fuckers and it's just kind of ho-hum shit i wrote one out but now i want to do the amish too from you fuckers and it's just kind of ho-hum. Shit, I wrote one out but now I want to do the Amish too. Alright. I have to talk fast for this one, so here we go. You know what I hate is people who don't edit out the albums from their fucking podcast. I mean, I get that sometimes it's impossible because people run their arms into their

words and there's no way to grab a clean cut, but if you have a motherfucker like Andrew Torres on your show, weed the fucking garden before you make me listen to it. Look, I know it's a lot of work because I fucking do it. You think I talk this fast through some supernatural power? No, I fuck up repeatedly and Morgan has to edit it, but he doesn't because we care enough about this show that when we say, hold on a second, we're not talking to the fucking listeners.

And I don't care how much of Morgan's time it takes to get it to sound like I blurted this out without an error. We will get it right because otherwise, Scathing Atheist turns into one of those fucking podcasts where you have to listen to people close their window. Stop making my medium look bad and edit out the fucking ums, you lazy bastards. Two votes. Sounded like Anthony Bourdain there a little bit. That was pretty great.

Okay. Uber driver, what fucking lane are you in, man? You get one lane. You get one. You can't spend five fucking city blocks in the middle of the goddamn road because you don't know where the fuck you're going but you don't want to miss your fucking turn you can't have more than one lane that's like cullen dibbs on the entire fucking sectional sofa figure it the fuck out and how is it possible that your slow ass times it perfectly so you get the yellow light and everyone behind you gets stuck there?

You're vehicular blue balls, motherfucker. And why the fuck is your turn signal permanently on? Just in case. It's like you're saying not it when you're five and never having to be fucking it for the rest of your life. You fucking suck. and never having to be fucking it for the rest of your life. You fucking suck. All right.

So these last few are the folks who paid the big bucks, the fat cheese, the moolah, dabba, doolah. What? Jesus fucking, I don't. I am, therefore, deserve a full company roasting. Yeah, we got to stop letting Eli write the setups for these things. Or just let the stroke all the way kill him. Either way is fine. Good option.

So Tyler gave us a thousand bucks to roast Ryan, who he knows from the armed services. All right, I got this one. Ryan looks like a character from a show called Reno 9-11. About a vigilante security guard at Walmart after 9-11.

Who thinks every Latino guy is a Muslim terrorist. And stop saying ocular pat-down. You're not doing shit. You have no idea what you're talking about. You look like you're about to get pegged by Stormy Daniels in Operation Desert Stormy.

That's pretty sweet. That last thing was a compliment. Brian looks like a lifeguard who thinks tough love means letting every other person drown. He looks like he was kicked out of the village people because rhino poacher wasn't a job enough people could relate to. The same angle. This guy looks like Reno 911 Desert Storm Edition action figure. He probably spends a lot of time and energy

working Top Gun quotes in a normal conversation. I can guarantee that sometime in his life, he said, smell my fingers. Does this smell like VD to you? I just looked at this guy and imagine all of the Mario Kart games he's ruined in his life by asking people if they want to take that outside. Also, dude, your mustache looks like a teddy bear's muff.

Get rid of that. Holy shit, Ryan. What happened to you? Seriously, this is not a rhetorical question. Ryan, write in. Let us know so we can raise money to make sure that you never happen again. I will donate personally to make sure the world never produces another one of you. I'm to understand, Ryan, that your conversational topics are somewhat limited,

but really you should just be walking around apologizing constantly, Ryan, because you are a sorry, sorry excuse for a man. All right, excellent. Next up, Colin kicked in $2,000 to roast his ex-boss, Elon Musk. And as a bonus, by the way, Bryce requested the same

thing. Oh, Elon Musk. Gosh, what can I say about you that isn't legally enforced by the FCC at this point? If you fail one more time, Elon, legally, you have to become one of my wife's friends. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. And by the way, the new truck, it looks like the vehicle Iron Man built in case he ever wants to kill himself in the garage after a divorce.

It just looks so crazy. And Elon, great job inventing a $50,000 death bot for reducing the carbon guilt of rich people and nothing else. Right. It's great how all those dozens of people who fly in private jets can finally reduce the carbon footprint of their driving and also trophy hunt rhinos with a smart flamethrower you're a billionaire inventor and your proudest moment is definitely when joe rogan shared a blunt with you on a podcast instead of holding you down and slowly lowering a column of spit into your weird puckery nerd

mouth. Like you would have done at any other time in your life. Are you always eating a lemon just before everything? Amazing. Oh my god. Elon, your fucking truck looks like the kid art that Robocop is embarrassed to have on the fridge,

right? Like it didn't even make front fridge. It's like the Batmobile had its own Robin. It looks like Inspector Gadget's car gave up mid-transformation and killed itself. Fuck it. Whatever. Elon Musk said he's a socialist

but not the kind that shifts resources from the most productive to the least productive. And he should know because he's ranked everyone in America for most productive to least productive. And the Jews are dead last. Next week, he's going to unveil a very futuristic looking boxcar. Elon Musk can't decide if he wants to go down in history as a villain or a hero. But one thing for sure is he'll be remembered as the most brilliant putz that there ever was. There's a reason people specialize in 2019, Elon.

You're that reason. It's great to have lots of super fun, like, what if ideas, but the answer to all of your solutions seems to be what was the problem again? What is your biggest fucking success to date? A car you can't make money on that isn't affordable? Unbreakable broken windows? Or a spaceship that sometimes works mostly? Pick a fucking lane, Tony Stark.

That boxcar is called the Model SS, by the way. Nice. that box car is called the model ss by the way all right and last but certainly not least fred jumped back in the mix added another two thousand dollars on top of the thousand he already donated making him our top donor of the fundraiser so far on behalf of his rescue dog sophie who would like he to roast her sister Ripley who is apparently a real bully all right with the fucking dogs fine okay hey um Sophie who requested the roast that's impressive confidence to be asking for a roast of your sister when you look like homeless Cecil dressed up as a toddler to get into an orphanage now that I look at Ripley i guess i get it what the fuck is on her face that is ridiculous she looks like it was ash wednesday and her dog priest used blood instead of ashes and then like cast a spell to keep it there forever she looks like a dr strange villain at this point

and she's a dachshund she looks like a corgi and a basset hound tried to team up to make a horse costume yeah right like you're a dachshund have some fucking originality also you're not from the line that hunted the badgers okay that wasn't your ancestors your ancestors were the ones that the badgers held down and fucked. Tell me this dog isn't at least one-eighth badger. Yeah, you saw the picture. Okay, here's what I want to talk about. Ripley looks like she did a fucking tour of Vietnam. What?

Fred, what happened to this dog? What turned this dog's hair gray? She looks like the only way she can fall asleep is by filling a Viet Cong with peanut butter. I love it. I love it. I love it. It looks like the only way she can fall asleep is by filling a Viet Cong with peanut butter. Viet Cong. I love it. I love it. I love it.

Hey, can I just jump in and roast Fred here? Is that okay? Sure. Yeah. Oh, okay. Hey, Fred. When people tell you, okay, boomer, they're referring to the Cambrian explosion, buddy. Thanks for being awesome, Fred.

Thanks for donating, bud. Also, okay. So one more time, congratulations to the listener. We set a huge goal this year. You destroyed it. We've got a lot more rows to come, so be sure to check out Cognitive Dissonance on Monday, and then just, you know, keep doing that for a while. There are hundreds still to go.

Tom Cecil, thanks again, guys. Thanks for having us, guys. It was a lot of fun. Thanks for having us, guys. It was a lot of fun. Before we unzip our flies, sit down on the couch and go, Tonight, I want to thank everybody who donated to Modest Needs this month, everybody who shared our links on social media, everybody who promoted Vulgarity for Charity on their podcasts or their YouTube channels or their blogs, and

everybody who is such a fucking asshole that somebody they knew was willing to spend at least $50 to hear strangers talk about what cartoon excrement they most resemble. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies

debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously it would be the worst possible date and neglect to thank heath enright for being the mashed potatoes of the show lucinda illusions for being the peach cobbler and eli for being of course the turkey i also want to thank tom and cecil the leftover turkey sandwich and weirdly artsy thing that one pretentious guy always brings with the show i also want to thank the aperitif simon from the Chaotic Neutral Games Twitch stream for providing this week's Farnsworth

quote. You'll find his channel linked on the show notes if you'd like to check it out. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. But I can't do it by name because I'm recording this on Monday. I don't know who they are yet. I know it's pretty fucking weird that of all days, this is the day I'm going to take a break from thanking people. But I promise I'll

compliment you by name next week, and if you'd like to hear your name alongside theirs, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingalias, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingalias.com. And if you'd like to help but all your money went into helping us blow by that

ambitious charity goal, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at PIAtPod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, we also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, and it was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. as i move towards the end of that paragraph morgan the you know skating i always feel like i'm about to take off right like i'm gonna if i go fast enough at the end i will lift off i never do

i'm still convinced one day i might The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved. Confident driving starts at Midas with top quality tires and expert services from our techs. Stop by Midas on Queenston Road today to buy three tires and get the fourth free. Plus, you can pay over time instead of all up front so you can embrace every season, every climate, and every road with confidence. Buy three tires, get one free. Shop tires at Midas.com.