The Scathing Atheist - 355: Shots Fired Edition

Episode Date: December 5, 2019

In this week’s episode, the first shots are fired in the War on Christmas, evangelicals are panicking without a chicken sandwich to hate gay people with, and Jim Bakker will put the ‘fault’ back in ‘fault line.’ --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: The war on Christmas has begun! https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/12/02/in-letter-pope-francis-encourages-nativity-displays-in-schools-and-town-squares/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/12/02/once-again-satanic-temple-snaketivity-goes-up-in-illinois-state-capitol/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/12/02/atheists-won-seven-of-the-eight-holiday-display-slots-in-the-iowa-capitol/?fbclid=IwAR11iXAip_ujgpUPFncnaGBriUfyKvu2rhRiVZEK3CIsM0guuAkErxHRA2U Right-Wing Commentator Rick Wiles Blames “Jew Coup” for Trump Impeachment Effort: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/27/right-wing-commentator-rick-wiles-blames-jew-coup-for-trump-impeachment-effort/ New laws for sex abuse victims could cost Catholic Church upwards of $4 billion: https://apnews.com/621efb9528384f278c71a97308404531 Right-Wing Host Claims Mr. Rogers Corrupted Children With “Metrosexual Wimpiness”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/29/right-wing-host-mr-rogers-corrupted-children-with-his-metrosexual-wimpiness/ Twitter mocks Christian snowflakes melting down over Chick-fil-A "betrayal": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/28/twitter-mocks-christian-snowflakes-melting-down-over-chick-fil-a-betrayal/ https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/24/christians-are-fighting-over-whether-chick-fil-a-is-still-sufficiently-anti-gay/ Indian Non-believer is Fighting for His Right to be Declared an Atheist: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/28/indian-non-believer-is-fighting-for-his-right-to-be-declared-an-atheist/ Jim Bakker's made-up chart shows God pausing earthquakes for Trump's election: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/26/jim-bakkers-made-up-chart-shows-god-pausing-earthquakes-after-trumps-election/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Ohio Republicans File Bill Forcing Doctors to “Reimplant Ectopic Pregnancy”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/11/29/ohio-republicans-file-bill-forcing-doctors-to-reimplant-ectopic-pregnancy/ NY Legislators Propose Bill Penalizing Doctors Who Perform “Virginity Checks”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/12/01/ny-legislators-propose-bill-penalizing-doctors-who-perform-virginity-checks/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language, because we're adults and speaking. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by honey, hymns, and by mistletoe. Mistletoe. For a holiday decoration, it's kind of rapey. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Jezebel here, and I can tell you that we were evolved from filthy monkey people. What's that, Nora? Oh, my bird wants me to let you know that she was in fact

evolved from a filthy dinosaur. It's Thursday. It's December 5th. And it's Krampusnacht. Right, because if anybody's going to celebrate putting kids in a bag, it's Germany. No, that's true. That's true. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Tara Reeds, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Osmond, Georgia,

this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the first shots are fired in the war on Christmas. Evangelicals are panicking without a chicken sandwich to hate gay people with. And Jim Baker will put the fault back in fault line. But first, the diatribe. you know they never ask me to say grace and that's a shame because i feel like i'd be good at it right like they usually only scratch the surface of the terrible shit god didn't do to them dear god thanks for us not starving or otherwise getting killed basically but if i said grace i'd shade in a lot of the blank space there right like dear god thanks for keeping me

relatively clear of venereal disease again this year is a phenomenal opening for grace but my family's never gonna know that because they're never gonna ask me to fucking say it instead i got the list of my brother belted out again this year. And I got to say, that's one of those things that it's way creepier if you take it seriously. Right. And that's the opposite of most religious traditions for most of the time. When I reflect on a religious tradition, I have to remind myself that these people actually believe this nonsense. And then it's a little less creepy,

but saying grace is the exact opposite. The more real God is, the weirder it is to thank him for the food you bought. Like, like if there's no God, spoiler, there isn't, then saying grace is just a token gesture of humility. It's a moment that you set aside at the beginning of a meal to remind yourself that not everybody is as fortunate as you. And even though some of them work every bit as hard or harder than yourself, they're not going to sit down at as bountiful a table as you today. And I can find some merit in that.

But if God did exist, this would all just be a means of forestalling a creepy and unwarranted ahem. I mean, look at it this way. When I was a kid, my dad provided all the food. And yet I pretty much never thanked him for it. What's more, he didn't get all bent out of his shape by the fact that I didn't. It was just kind of understood that one of the basic elements of parenting was me eating on a daily basis. Now, it would have been awfully thoughtful for me to occasionally say, hey, dad, thanks for busting your ass 40 hours a week plus to make this meatloaf happen on the regular. But it would have been really fucked up for him to get pissed

off at me for not saying it every goddamn night, that is. And that's to a guy who actually bought the fucking food. Right right god didn't buy what are we thanking god for not turning it to dust in the grocery bag seems like the least he could do is let you eat the food you bought god one thanks for that food would be like that the guy who owns the local grocery store showing up at your house at 559 and complaining about your lack of gratitude it's not like God's swooping down and picking up the tab now and again. Apparently, he's demanding that we thank him for food existing. I mean, I guess I could be more forgiving if they were at least consistent

with it, right? Like when a Christian family is going hungry in some war-torn country, they don't generally sit around a table and bitch at God for a few minutes at 6 p.m., but if they did, I'd at least admire their integrity. But no, once again, it's only God's fault when it's a good thing. So yeah, that's what's swimming through my head as my brother's invoking the will of the almighty creator of the universe to bless the sweet potato casserole. So as frustrating as it is, I guess I get why they never asked me to say it, but just because my family has failed to entrust this task to me for 43 Thanksgivings and counting doesn't mean I can't do it. So, with your indulgence, allow me to say grace.

I don't know if you guys could all join hands. It's going to take a minute. And preferably also if you could put something that smells really good in front of you that you've been looking forward to eating all day and just, you know, not eat it until I decide to stop talking. That would really nail the custom. Okay, all set. Here we go. Dear God, thank you for overlooking us when you were deciding which people to starve to death today.

I know you got to starve some of them and it turns out it's not us. I'm not sure why you would pick us to shower such abundance on. After all, with the exception of me, my wife and a couple of these kids, my whole family's fucking fat. We're really one of those families that could stand to skip a meal. And yet in your wisdom, you decided to gift us with so much food that we're going to throw a bunch of it away even after we fed a bunch of it to the dog. And you decided to deprive all of those developing children in Yemen again instead weird keep feeling like one of these days you're gonna go the other way on that but you keep not doing it you keep looking out for the upper middle class

white people in America so well good on you God and also well I got you on the horn I want to thank you for all of us not being dead I mean it's not like I come from a long line of immortals. Obviously, some members of my family are dead, but they're not here. So I'm specifically only thanking you for not killing the ones that you didn't kill. We know that there are a lot of ways for you to kill us, especially since we elected to gather together in Texas this year. And they build nurseries on top of nuclear plants here. But you decided not to kill us. And of course, eventually you'll change your tune on that.

And when that happens, we're just going to switch to thanking you for not killing a smaller group of people. And it probably won't even occur to most of us how fucked up that is. Anyway, we got to take a bunch of pictures of us gorging on our gluttonous abundance so that we can later hashtag them. Suck on it. Yeah, man yeah man all right maybe next year they're talking about your jesus joining me for headlines tonight are the merry gentlemen of my tidings of comfort and joy heath enright and eli bosnick fellas that song's about a bunch of dudes fucking, right? I mean, if it's not, then I did a terrible job as DJ at that gay orgy last week.

And I want to apologize. It was festive. It was fun. Thank you. You can just have Christmas songs at those sometimes. It's fun to wham again everybody in that moment. No, it is. We're detacular.

It is. It is. All right. Well, quick, while we double check that playlist, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week. Honey. Oh, OK. How about this one?

72 inch television for 400 bucks. Yeah, but you have to free the hand of Graptar from a thousand years of torment. It feels like a lot. Oh, I mean, how hard can that be? It's just a hand. Hey, guys, what are you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. We're just hunting for Black Friday deals online.

And Cyber Monday deals. I see. So why don't you just try Honey? Oh, to hold the lines back at Best Buy? We were going to go with Tar, but Honey is more legal. Oh. No, no, no, no. Honey is a free browser extension that automatically finds the best promo codes whenever you shop online.

Wait, just like automatically? Automatically. Oh, yeah. I actually used it for my Christmas shopping on Amazon and found me money off on books, clothes, a ton of other gifts I was buying for the season. Wait, here's another good deal. No, wait, no. Okay.

You have to sign up for a credit card. I mean, I might sign up for a credit card. In Germany, in person, a credit card. Yeah, probably not. No, I don't want to. Don't go there. Well, if you're buying gifts this holiday season, then you need Honey. And if you're not, you probably know somebody who is.

So do them a solid and tell them about Honey. Honey can help make sure you're getting the best price for whatever you're buying. It's free to use and installs in just two clicks. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. Oh, what about this one? That's an email from you offering to sell me your kidney. And?

No. Darn. And now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight to quote the new york times via elton john via bernie topan god is dead and the war's begun that's right no sooner had the deviled eggs of thanksgiving started to turn than the opening salvos in the war of christmas could be heard across the world and i'd say the fact that only our opponents seem to know we're at war is a pretty good indication that we're winning the war on christmas is like the macy's day parade of our job right like every year i forget it's gonna happen and then it happens and i'm like really still people are still worked up about this huh exactly okay yes're like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football,

except, you know, Lucy's not there and the football doesn't exist. And they've just been like yelling into a computer that's not plugged in this whole time. And of course, like all the best wars, the 2019 war on Christmas started in Europe this year when Pope friends with benefits penned a letter encouraging religious leaders the world over to ignore the fucking law and see to it that

the baby jesus is on the courthouse one quote i wish to encourage the beautiful family tradition of preparing the nativity scene in the days before christmas but also the custom of setting it up in the workplace in schools in hospitals prisons and town squares, end quote. In other words, it's not enough to say hooray Christmas if you're not also saying fuck atheists, Muslims, and Jews at all, too. Side note, does the Pope have terrible translators or does he just talk the way he looks? Right. Because whenever he makes an announcement second to whatever horrible platitude of darkness he's spouting is his ominous alien verbiage right it's fucking nightmarish

well he definitely talks like an old south american man dressed up like little red riding yes exactly at least that part he might have bad translators too now of course uh the counter offensive was swift, with Satanists in Illinois quickly reminding the Pope that we also have displays. We learned on the same day that this papal letter was published that the Illinois State Capitol Rotunda will be the home to a snake-tivity

scene again this year, courtesy of the Chicago chapter of the Satanic Temple. The display features a woman's hand holding an apple with a snake entwined around it. Over the words, knowledge is the greatest gift. a sentiment that every Christian can get behind rejecting. You guys think that ever the Satanists are just sitting around and they're like, OK, OK, 20 bucks. I can get a Christian to spit on the word love by December 10th. Just love.

10th. Just love. Okay. Counter. I'll get a Christian to steal this butt plug from evil Jesus and use it in a briar patch. All right. You're on. Let's do it. All right. And also

one state and only two alphabetical stations away. Things get even worse for the would-be theocrats desperate to fulfill the Pope's dictum. See, in the Iowa state capital, I i love this so much they've skirted around the pesky first amendment by making eight slots available for holiday displays to all groups regardless of their beliefs with the obvious hope that they'd range in religious representation from fundamentalist protestant to slightly more fundamentalist protestant That didn't work out. No, what they wound up with were atheist groups winning seven of the eight slots. So instead of the everybody should love Jesus and Moses wrote the Constitution displays they were hoping for,

visitors will instead be treated to things like the display from Iowa Atheists and Freethinkers that says, joy to the world, reason has come. Or my personal favorite a display from the eastern iowa atheist that simply reads everything distinctive of christmas is pagan or secular steve king has to walk yes love it and at the center of it all with the full burden of christian representation upon it some podunk fucking church from go fuck yourself that now is under a lot of pressure. They're just like, all right, we're doing the display for Juul cigarettes for kids. I don't know.

We got to pay attention. It's the only thing that's going to work. So, yeah, we hear your stuff, baby Jesus up the ass of democracy and we are ready for it. And in the immortal words of Saladin, founder of the Ayubid dynasty, bring it you little Christian bitch monkey. Loses something in translation, but it's still there.

I don't think so. It's pretty close. And in Merci Joukou news tonight, right-wing commentator and human tooth crossword puzzle Rickick wiles made national headlines this week when he dropped the fan of maybe being a vicious bigot and declared trump's impeachment a jew coup this week oh and he was so proud like he thought of that in the shower he was giggling his way to work on it yeah nonetheless it obviously

should have been juday thank you lazy just you know put a little effort into your nazi word i'm getting a weird note here but just like put effort yeah so we have weird notes so here's the real quiet part loud quote that we can only assume comes to us straight from Rick's inner monologue. That's the way Jews work. They are deceivers. They plot. They lie. They do whatever they have to do to accomplish their political agenda.

End quote. All right. Well, I mean, it is comforting to know that there's still a Trump supporter willing to admit that those are all bad things. Right. to know that there's still a Trump supporter willing to admit that those are all bad things, right? He continues, this impeach Trump effort is a Jew coup. Do you guys know it's a silent P? I've been saying jupe coup this whole time.

My amazing wordplay was even better than I thought. It's Jew coup. It's just you say coup, soft, no P. He continues, and the American people better wake up to it really fast because this thing is moving now towards a vote in the House and then a trial in the Senate. Jew detat. Fuck, I knew I should have said Jew detat. That's better. I knew there was a better one. Jew detat. We could have a trial before Christmas. This country could be in a civil war at Christmas time. Members of the U.S. military are going to have to take a stand

just like they did in the 1860s with the Civil War. They are going to have to decide, are you fighting for the North or the South? What do you think is the right answer there, man? What I'm saying is that we're like the bad guys from both World War II and the Civil War combined. Because if I only shoot

myself in one foot, I would be lopsided. Yep. How do you do both there? What's Godwin for both? Sammy Davis Jr.? He continued, people are going to be forced, possibly by this Christmas, to take a stand because of this Jew coup in the United States. This is a coup led by Jews to overthrow the constitutionally elected president of the United States.

And it's beyond removing Donald Trump. It's removing you and me. That's what's at the heart of it. Huh. Looks like the coups will removing you and me. That's what's at the heart of it. Huh. Looks like the coups will replace you. You gotta admit that's pretty funny, Rick Wiles, right? Because you guys would say that. Also, as Hemant over at the Friendly Atheist blog pointed out, Rick Wiles has White House

press credentials. Jesus fucking Christ. This guy has White House press credentials. Jesus fucking Christ. Juku guy has White House press credentials. Great. There was a period of time during this calendar year when Jim Acosta did not have White House press credentials. And Juku guy and Paula White were like stamping around the White House casting spells together. To prevent the Jews and the blacks. Yep.

Yep. God damn it. And in pedophile away news tonight. Fantastic. According to a new analysis from the AP, recent laws in 15 states that extend or eliminate the statute of limitations for sexual assault could cost the Catholic Church upwards of $4 billion over the next few years as thousands of newly eligible claimants come for justice. Despite the millions of dollars the church has already spent lobbying against these changes, Catholic strongholds like New York, New Jersey, and California are loosening restrictions on abuse claims because, I'd like to think,

they just now realized that they had put statute of limitations on claims of child sexual abuse and didn't mean to. Yeah. Maybe a system where we encourage pedophiles to kneel on the ball and run out the clock on being pedophiles isn't the best idea. Right. Or phrasing. I mean, look, don't kink shame, Heath. Just kneel on balls that are of age and consenting. It's not hard.

That's the problem. No shame. That sounds great. Of course, the Catholics are desperately trying to find some way to drum up some sympathy with this big money loss they're about to take. And given that their message is, well, we might have to sell off some of the Jewish property we got from the Nazis if we have to compensate every kid we raped. They've done about as well as can be expected. Yep. Right.

So their chief argument is the dire warning that these new laws could lead to widespread bankruptcies that would force them to close down schools, orphanages and other essential services. Yeah. They'd be bankrupt. Yep. Yeah. Right.

Right. I can only assume that this has been effective because when you're used to nodding along at Pascal's wager, soon the kid rapist won't even have access to students and orphans seems like as good an argument as any. Yeah, that's actually a great version of the argument compared to the one that was happening, which was like, hey, you fucked a child. And then too late. I'm on base. Fuck. Why do we make a base? We made the base.

We made the base. That's crazy. Also, could someone kneel on our balls? I'm confused what's happening. Now, of course, chief among their defenders is president of the Catholic League and Archbishop of the Mordor Diocese, Bill Donahue. Billody! Who complained that the effect of the Mordor Diocese, Bill Donahue. Bill and Dee!

Who complained that the effect of the law, if not its intent, is to disable the church. Good. Yeah. Yeah, to that I say guilty as charged, motherfucker. The intent of racketeering laws is to disable the mob. You're an organization whose chief contribution to the world over the last century is raping their children, then lying about it, you should be disabled.

And I only don't mean someone should break your fucking legs because Andrew said I'm not allowed to mean that. Also, not for nothing, every single, this is just history, every single time a Catholicolic has dedicated their career to fighting these laws they turn out to be fucking kids yep i'm not saying bill donahue fucks kids because andrew also said i'm not right he was very specific about this story that long ellipsis might have technically been illegal a lot of noise i'll shorten it in post.

And in It's a Beautiful Day in the Gayborhood News tonight. Okay. Day was already a rhyme. Just go ahead. Right-wing host of The Daily Wire, Andrew Klavan, took to the internet this week

to take on the liberal menace, the undoer of Western values, the great and vile threat that was mr rogers yeah but like let's be honest man once they'd come for tinky winky was anything gonna shock us anymore yes with a documentary book and movie starring tom hanks about the christian guy who got it right by never ever talking about Jesus or the Bible in the public eye. Andrew Klavan, who looks like the fashion critic for a skinhead gang. He does. He is rough. So, okay. So you know how Jelly Belly does like the mystery bad flavors of jelly beans, but you don't know which is which. Very much. Yeah. Andrew Klavan looks like

four hymns did that to him as a person. And I don't mean that figuratively. I mean, he literally looks like a balding, flaccid penis with glasses. Like, that's what he looks like. He looks like Dilbert got radiation. So Clavin decided to attack, of all things, Fred Rogers' manliness. Here's the quote. Fred Rogers modeled decency and Christian values, which is great. But he also modeled the misguided form of Christian manhood

that looks so much like metrosexual wimpiness. It's really difficult to tell the difference. End quote. I have difficulty telling the difference between admirable moral character and that which is worthy of derision i will die without realizing this makes me the bad guy but it gets worse after monologuing about steely eyed jesus who kicked ass and took foot baths claven concluded with his example of a real man self-identifying white supremacist John Wayne. Oh, Jesus.

Here's what he had to say. Quote, if you really want to have a beautiful day in the neighborhood, call John Wayne and tell him to bring his gun. Yeah, that's the problem with The Purge. It wasn't organized by a famous Nazi actor. Yep. And fuck Mr. Rogers also. My brain doesn't produce connected thoughts. That said, if it is any comfort to Klavan,

he already manages to live the way John Wayne died, full of a tremendous amount of shit. Broccoli looks funny. What? All right, well, since's already brought him up i guess it's probably a great time to pause for a word from our second sponsor this week hymns dear heath no no that's not right uh hey there heath no no too casual santa too casual hey santa what you doing oh hello there twinkle. I'm trying to write a letter

back to this little boy. He's dealing with hair loss, but Santa can't bring him hair for Christmas. I mean, we can't, but 4hims.com might be able to. What's 4hims.com? It's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. Are you sure this isn't an April Fool's Day present? Not at all. HIMS is helping guys be the best version of themselves with licensed physicians and FDA-approved products to help treat hair loss. Well, that does sound good. But won't that be as embarrassing as Rudolph's red nose? Not at all, Santa. Just answer a few questions,

a doctor will review, and if they determine it's right for you, they can prescribe you medication to treat hair loss that is shipped directly to your door. All right, Twinkle Toes, where do I tell this young man to go? Well, you can try HIMS today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to 4hims.com slash scathing. That's F-O-r-h-i-m-s.com slash scathing forhims.com slash scathing prescription products are subject to doctor's approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate see website for full details and safety information this can cost hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's office or pharmacy remember that's forhims.com slash scathing well i think we just made heath very

happy wait isn't that dude like 39 i'm 38 he's get out of the north pole you're not in the north you get out of the north pole for hymns.com let it grow let it grow let it grow get it it's christmas they put that in the copy i know you didn't i know you didn't write that a man wrote the bible a horse what's fun if it's a legitimate race you're a slut right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massager hey i've got a joke for you what's high in the middle and round on both sides? Give up? The ass of whatever Ohio politician dreamed up this ectopic pregnancy bill. As soon as I get done, Lisbeth's slandering him for his bullshit. I'm sure you've heard about this one, but here it goes just in case. HB 413 is the

latest attempt by Ohio lawmakers to criminalize abortion by placing insane restrictions on it. This has a long and storied tradition, of course, and is usually seen under the guise of hospital admissions privileges or weird specifications about the width and height of doors at abortion clinics. Basically, they put a hurdle on the road that would be very difficult for an abortion provider to clear, and they keep doing that until they stumble. But at least in the past, they've stuck with things that are theoretically possible. Widening all the doors may be expensive and unnecessary, but at least it's a thing that can be done. HB 413 might as well demand that abortion providers divide by zero or explain how text messages work to my dad. The law would specifically require that doctors re-implant

ectopic pregnancies rather than abort them. And no, that is not a thing that has or could be done, by the way. See, an ectopic pregnancy is a potentially fatal condition where the embryo attaches to the outside of the uterus. With very rare exceptions, the fetus can't survive. It's a failed implantation. But if your whole argument relies on the misconception that a fertilized egg is basically a 16-year-old kid, you can't admit that. So you have to pretend that this failed pregnancy is something that needs saving. And if that means demanding the impossible in law, so be it. And by the way, that may be part of the bill garnering the most national attention right now, but it's not the only thing that makes this law fucked up. Even if you take that out,

you're still left with a law that defines fertilized eggs as unborn children, and it includes a possible death penalty for the made-up crime of, quote, aggravated abortion murder, end quote. For fuck's sakes, they might as well have called it maniacal baby ripping. Hell, you've already have a law that effectively outlaws all abortions anyway. How are you making it worse? Anyway, one little glimmer of good news to bring you down off of that debacle of a fucking state. At the same time, Ohio's passing a law making it legal to kill any abortion doctor that can't come up with a word that rhymes with purple. Legislators in New York are proposing a law that would prevent doctors from performing virginity checks.

This is obviously big in the news ever since T.I. mistook a hymen for a freshness seal on a podcast a few weeks back. And it's good to know that somebody with some power is as appalled by it as I am. So, yeah, once again, New York is demonstrably better than Ohio. And yet the latter is the one that we let pick our president. Oh, I'm sorry. I said I was going to end on a positive note, didn't I? Well, before I fuck that up any further, I guess I'll go ahead and hand things back over to Noah, Heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines,

in the war on Chicksmas news, we have another wonderful development in the epic saga of Chick Fil A and their weirdly prominent role in the culture war between evangelical Christianity and not being a bigot. Those are the two sides of the war and and you get to pick your side right it's like it's not like we counted off and odds had to be bigots or anything nope you get to pick and even if we count it off you should cheat and decide that's better yeah so apparently in this war fast food chicken is wildly important, especially to the pro-bigot side. But that team got super confused recently following the announcement by Chick-fil-A that they're not going to be donating money to hate groups anymore. Christian people are deeply divided about the extent to which a chicken restaurant needs to be actively hating gay people. So that's what Christianity is working on this week.

It's a busy time of year for them. That's what they're trying to figure out. Yeah. Best part of this is that part of the calculus Chick-fil-A had to make when making their non-decision to stop giving money to bigots was all the bigot money they knew they were going to lose. Well, I mean, to be fair, their target customer is people looking for something healthier than a burger and landing on fried chicken.

You know, so I'm just saying there's a lot of crossover between bigot and just like all the other stupids. I see it. Yeah. Chicken's basically a salad. Healthy today. The other way. So just in case anyone missed it here's what chick-fil-a did to start this latest panic uh someone tried their food that's a good guess it's it's good

they're not it's they're not okay so they announced that their charitable donations for 2020 are going to focus on fighting poverty and supporting education. That's the announcement that induced the wrath of the Christian. Yeah, the new plan omitted hating. And even worse, we just learned that Chick-fil-A donated twenty five hundred dollars to the Southern Poverty Law Center to keep a list of hate groups. And despite the SPLC being very generous about not having that list say, number one, white Christian people end of list. Despite that gift, evangelicals are seeing that donation to the SPLC and saying,

that's basically paying for the pen to write Schindler's List. Hold on, fuck. Are we the bad guys from Schindler's List again? I feel like that keeps happening. Literally, that happened one time, but metaphorically, it happens a lot. Also, literally, it happens a lot. Yeah. Also, literally, it happens a lot.

Yeah. And here's how convoluted this gets if you're an evangelical Christian right now. You have Franklin Graham coming out and saying that Chick-fil-A has not caved in to the SJW Clucks and that the company, they're just trying to compete. Translation, don't worry, they're still bigots. This new charity plan was purely based on greed. It's fine. Yeah, no, it's like how we all played along when Obama pretended to be Christian just for the bad guys. That's true.

We did do that. And that's the good side of the argument within Christianity, just to be clear. Well, it's the less bad side, sort of, I guess. It's hard to describe it exactly, but that's what's happening. The other side is people like Matt Staver, of Liberty Council, who responded to this by writing an open letter to Chick-fil-A and Franklin Graham.

Already ridiculous what's happening in your life. You're writing an open letter to a chicken restaurant and Franklin Graham. That your life you're writing an open letter to a chicken restaurant and franklin graham that's what you're doing and he yells at graham for being too liberal and he he claims in a moment of accidental truth that ending donations to hate groups will cause quote incredible damage to the greater christian community i mean he's not wrong no right he's not wrong that's what happened he doesn't know but yep that was accurate and we also got some amazingly unaware meltdowns from people like charlie kirk

of the right-wing activist group Turning Point USA. Last week, he tweeted, Chick-fil-A betrayed us. No more Chick-fil-A ever. And then he got roasted by the entire internet for taking part in the cancel culture that he was whining about two weeks ago. They also made fun of him for using the phrase Chick-fil-A betrayed us and wanting to be taken seriously. At least one person. There's that damn cows are computer animated, y'all.

They didn't want that. Just Charlie and Chick-fil-A playing out the Fredo Corleone party scene. I'm smart. I deliver chicken patties two at a time. And in Atheist Mc atheist make atheist face news tonight, I'm hesitant to say that one person can be more or less atheist than another, since once you're down to zero gods, you can't exactly whittle that down any further.

That being said, if there is a most atheist person in the entire world, I'm pretty sure I just found him. He lives in India and his name is Ravi Kumar Atheist. Yes, his last name is Atheist, legally. Well done. He also has two big ass tattoos that identify him

as an atheist in case the driver's license didn't do the trick and pending the outcome of an ongoing legal battle, he even has an official document from the Indian government that declares him to belong to, quote, no caste, no religion, and no God, end quote. And this is God's death certificate that I carry around everywhere. Yes, I did have it laminated and I keep it in my wallet. And this is a teardrop tattoo to prove that I personally murdered God with my hands. That's right. That this is a teardrop tattoo to prove that I personally murdered God with my hands.

That's right. That's what this teardrop is for. And, oh, yeah, this is the world's smallest urn holding the ashes of... God doesn't exist! I love this guy so much. He's doing this in India, too.

Yeah, well, that's what I was going to say. We have to add to this. This badass is doing this in India. Right. Amazing. Okay? Like, you can tattoo God is dead on your face in Manhattan, and you're fine We have to add to this. This badass is doing this in India. Right. Amazing.

Okay. Like you can tattoo God is dead on your face in Manhattan and you're fine as long as you don't stand on an escalator in the door of the subway. He's in fucking India. Yeah. So, okay. So apparently in India, the government gives out official documents to certify that people belong to certain castes and religions, which is a pretty fucked up thing to begin with. But Kumar figured, hey, if the religious people get official papers and shit, I want some too, which is a pretty fucked up thing to begin with. But Kumar figured, hey,

if the religious people get official papers and shit, I want some too, which is fair, right? Like forcing the government to treat people equally is a really good way to underscore how unequally people are being treated. So he applied for this certificate and the government granted it. But then a couple of weeks later,

they changed their mind and asked for it back because apparently they didn't realize they were playing the game until they'd already lost. This is amazing. This is like if Kim Davis had another meltdown and she was like, all right, well, no. Now all the same-sex couples that I denied marriage licenses to, they all have to come back and let me give them an active rejection letter or else I go to hell. You have to let me give him an active rejection letter or else i go to hell you have to let me do she's paper i'm just picturing her chasing pete budaj around a dining room table giving herself

a running workout so fast i bet you're not picturing her doing that for very long so to his credit mr atheist fought them on it and filed an appeal to a higher court which he lost but according to the latest info i could find he's filing another one to an even higher court now. So who the hell knows how this is going to end? But given the fact that we're talking about a dude who had the tenacity to get his last name legally changed to atheist, I have high hopes for him. Good luck, bro.

Yeah, we're on his side. And finally tonight, convicted felon, atomized potato salesman, and guy who goes on the same list as O.J. Simpson, Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein for being represented by Alan Dershowitz and embarrassing those people by bringing down the quality of that list. Jim Baker is who I'm talking about and he made headlines last week for discovering scientific proof that donald trump was chosen by god to be president that proof less earthquakes oh that's right okay so cool jim if there had been more earthquakes then you would admit that my bucket okay

yeah that worked on us once we did pull me once fuck jim baker yeah so the god of the universe apparently he he quietly helped out russia with online propaganda and then gave us a secret signature of his work in the form of less earthquakes. That's the theory. And the only person to crack this code was Jim Baker. And he announced the big discovery last week during his show. And you know it's real because he had a graph. It's a graph, technically.

It's a graph that's clearly made with an Apple IIc that he owns. Technically, it's a graph that's clearly made with an Apple IIc that he owns and printed after an ordeal with a dot matrix printer that he also owns. He definitely got into a yelly fight with several interns. It was jamming. The feed was all fucked up. And he also literally added something to the graph in Sharpie. I'm not exaggerating. He literally had to write something in Sharpie on on the graph it's kind of the signature of the administration at this point you know i would i would love a few more degrees of separation between the antics of jim fucking baker and the

goddamn president by the way well while you guys are thinking of what to get me for christmas just that would be my top thing yeah and jim baker just got White House press. Great. So the graph is obviously stupid and contrived. And we get to watch Jim Baker actually realize that on the fly while he's showing the graph. He points to the big dip and he says that right there, that's the election of Donald Trump. And then he asks himself, why would there be a dip in the earthquakes at the time of the election why would there be less earthquakes there and then

he just pauses and he tries to answer his own question in his head and it does not go well you can see his stupid face thinking to itself fuck alright hold on even if everything I said was true fuck barack obama was president for all of 2016 and based on my bullshit graph god made a big spike in earthquakes the moment

trump took off he's trying to fake an earthquake that's's a double Obama aftershock. All right. I'm a felon. Looks like Baker's going to have to carry a two to figure this out. So while we've got him occupied for a week, we can close the headlines for the night. Heath Eli, thanks as always. Carry a number two. And when we come back, the Bible will be here to celebrate the slaughter of innocents.

Like hold a shit in your hand? That. Hi, I'm no illusions. Does a baby need a crib? Can you make a crib? I feel like I can make a crib. As those of you who listen to our other shows know, our very own Eli Bosnick is expecting a bouncing baby boy this May,

which means there's never been a better time for you to give us your support at patreon.com slash scathing atheists. I'm sorry, $450? Does the car seat come with a car? Not only will you be helping Eli buy diapers, but you'll also get access to a patron-only extended version of the show, as well as our extra AMA episodes, D&D podcasts, and much, much more. Okay, from now on

we are all using family cloth. Okay? Family cloth. But more importantly, you're helping the show get made, and that might help Eli calm down. Keith, one flush. Eli, get out of the bathroom. Flush waster.

Maybe. Many episodes and about 300 roasts ago, we were trudging our way through the Bible for the second time. And there seems no better punishment for our good deeds than to return to this Sisyphean task post haste. So we're pleased to once again present Bible Peace Theater. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. Everyone, this is my new guy, Joshua. He's like Moses, but, you know, without the Daffy Duck impersonation.

Also, look at this, look at this. Hey, hey, Joshua, if I asked you to hit a rock, how many times would you hit it? Once? Once, exactly. You guys are such assholes. Get out of the last time on Bible Peace Theater, Moses. Get out of the Bible Peace Theater, Moses. Get out of the Bible Peace Theater last time on.

Bye. And now, on with the show. Akan, what are you doing? Joseph told us not to steal stuff from Jericho. Sorry, is that name Akan? It's spelled A-C-H-A-a-n yeah is that like from the greek no no it's from the hebrew then shouldn't it be like a han or something isn't that what not according to the oxford pronunciation guide no why are we discussing this the other day you spelled fruit with two o's

fair fair point fine fine yeah jerk in the bible is named h-n i got it um way more than this. The other day you spelled fruit with two O's. Fair. Fair point. Fine. Fine. Yeah. Jerk in the Bible is named 8chan. I got it. Um, way more than one jerk in the Bible. What's an 8chan? It's like if Jeffrey Epstein was a website. Hey, Ken, what are you doing? Joseph told us

not to steal stuff from Jericho. Relax. How big a deal could this be? Where's that new assistant? Uh, yes, Joshua, you wanted to see me? Send in my General Tony D. The time has come to attack the city of A. The city of A, sir? Yeah, yeah, it's near Bethhaven in Bethel.

I'll send him right in, sir. Thank you. Hey, Joshua, how's it going? Hi, Tony, I see you're way ahead of me. How so? Hey! What did I do? Nothing. I was just saying that you knew, huh?

Knew about what? Hey! You gotta tell me what I knew about. Hey! Cousin Gino, get in here. Hey! What's going on here? You told him. Told him what?

About A. A. A. Oh, never mind. Oh. Joshua. Yes, what is it? It's A.

We already did that bit last sketch. No, no, no. We only sent 3,000 men because they're such a small city and we lost. Ah. How is this possible? How many men did we lose? 36.

Sorry. Our army of 3,000 soldiers conceded defeat after we lost three dozen guys. I mean, they were, uh, they're like our coolest guys. I see. Well, there's only one thing to do. Attack again with all our troops? Or try different tactics? Because I was thinking maybe we could...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're going to pour dust on our heads. We're going to face plant. And we are going to ask God what we did wrong. Or that. Atta boy. And so I said to him, You know what, just put me on speakerphone so everyone can hear me ask. Obviously, right, yeah, save yourself other phone calls.

Other phone calls, exactly, that's what I said, yeah. And what did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Joshua, buddy. What are you doing with your face in the dirt right now? Yeah, and why are you covering yourself in dust? Wait, is this like planking? I want to go.

I'm going. No, no, no. It's not like planking. Okay, well, now I'm dusty for no reason. Lord, why? Fuck you. Sorry. Why did our soldiers lose at A?

Oh, right, that. Yeah, I'm mad at you. I forgot to say. Why? Oh, now he wants to know. Yeah, typical. Man, right? Uh, did

Did you tell me why you were mad? Did I tell you? Seriously? Wow Gaslighting Exactly, gaslighting, I was gonna say that Wait, did You tell me why you're mad? No

Oh Okay, so why you're mad? No. Oh. Okay. So, why are you mad? Because one of Israel has taken the accursed thing. Really? Do we have the rights to that? Can we just use that?

Yeah, it's fine. Um, it's actually from Young Frankenstein. No, the Mel Brooks movie. The Mel Brooks movie, yeah, exactly's fine. It's actually from Young Frankenstein. No, the Mel Brooks movie. The Mel Brooks movie, yeah, exactly. Cool. I did not know that. Anyway, yeah, that's why I'm mad, because it's a bad thing. Oh, okay.

Okay. Such a great movie. Such a great movie. Love that movie. Okay, everyone, thanks for coming out, especially Especially you What's this all about? Yeah, it's so early Okay, okay Just bear with me

Um, sorry What are you doing? I'm finding out Which one of you God is mad at. I'm sorry. Are you finding it out with those noises? By sonar?

Yes. Okay. Okay. Everyone except the tribe of Judah, you can go home. Okay. Wait, so we stay? Yes. So early.

Yes. You heard that? Tribe of Judah, stay. Okay. Okay. Everyone but the Zaharites, you can go home. Okay. Everyone but the Zahrites, you can go home. Um, okay.

See you guys. Seriously? I don't know, I said I could leave. Almost done. Have a little patience, okay? H-N. Can't be related. H-N. Did you steal some stuff from that city we just pillaged?

Uh. Um. HN. Uh. Yeah. Yeah, I did. You want to go to apologize to God for hiding the accursed thing? I'm sorry.

Like you mean it. I'm sorry I hid the accursed thing. Which was? Um, it was a shirt and some silver. A shirt and some silver. Exactly. Okay. Okay.

Wait, the accursed thing that A-chan steals is a shirt and some silver yeah and that's why god turns against israel yes yep so like zero people who have said they like this book have read it right well yeah that's accurate yep correct and joshua and all israel with him took acan and the son of zara and the silver and the garment and the wedge of gold and his sons and his daughters and his oxen and his asses and his sheep in his tent and all that he had and they brought them unto the valley of acor and all israel stoned him with stones. Okay, who has the bong, guys? I haven't seen that for like 30 minutes, probably.

Somewhere. Guys? We probably should have done this like one at a time. Okay, everyone. Listen up. We're going to take a second crack at that city of a a i feel like that bit only works once a a anyway you guys know the drill kill everybody except this time. Spoke to God. We get to keep the animals. So, yeah. Men, women, children.

But the animals should be spared. That's weird. What made God change his mind this time? No idea. So we have a deal. You do a little something for me, I'll tell Joshua to spare all the animals in the city of A. A quid pro quo, if you will.

No? No thank you, Prime Minister of Moo-crane. You guys get that on tape? Moo-moo. Moo-moo-moo-moo. I don't know if we'll have the boats. No. Moo, moo, moo, moo. I don't know if we'll have the boats.

No, no, no, no, no. People of Israel, I have gathered you around this altar to watch me set down all the laws of Moses upon these stones.

And then I shall read each of these words to you. All that Moses has said shall be written down and read aloud in front of you. Wait, he reads? Yes. In the Bible, he reads? Yes. In the Bible, he reads? Yes. And he writes? He reads and writes in the Bible.

Yes. This is a really schtick-heavy episode. A lot of schtick. Right? Yeah. A lot of schtick. And when the inhabitants of Gibeon heard what Joshua had done unto Jericho and to Ai, they did work wily, and went and made as if they had been ambassadors,

and took old sacks upon their asses and wine bottles, old and rent and bound up, and old shoes and clouded upon their feet and old garments upon them, and they went to Joshua unto the camp at Gilgal. Uh, Joshua? Hey, what's up? Uh, the ambassadors from Gibeon are here. Oh, yeah, send them in.

Tell me, Joshua, are you a good person? Oh, oh, uh, no, sorry, that's the ambassador from Gibbity. Oh. My bad. I see. I'll send in the ambassadors ambassador from Gibbity. Oh. My bad. I see. I'll send in the ambassadors from Gibion now. Aw. Hail Joshua of the Jews.

That's right, hail me. Wow, you guys look rough. Where the hell did you come from? Oh, far, far away. Just so far is where we came from a lot. Yep. A far away. Just so far is where we came from a lot. Yep. A distance away. We have traveled many miles, as you can see, by our spoiled wine and moldy bread. Okay, weird prop work, but all right. What do you want from me?

Well, we're going to be, you know, living nearby. Temporarily. Yeah, and we heard about all the people you've killed. Well, that's true. I have killed an awful lot of people. Me, personally. Like a ton, a ton of people.

That's what I heard, yeah. You know, I mean, most of it was me. But yeah, you know, yes. Right, so we would like to not be killed. So we were wondering if, you know, just while we're here, we could make a, you know, super best friend, make God mad if you break it, promise not to kill us. Huh.

You want me to make a super best friend, make God mad if you break it promise, not to kill you. Not to kill us, yes. Exactly what we're looking for. Okay. But I have one condition. You guys have to be our slaves.

Ahem. Sorry, I meant servants. You have to be our servants. We have to be your servants or you'll kill us? I didn't say that. I said if you won't be our servants, I just won't promise not to kill you.

Okay, super feels like a threat, right? Definitely a threat. Like it's still a threat. He changed the words kind of, but it's a threat. Yep, not even a little threat. Well. Right, it's just a double negative. Well, what do you say?

I mean, sure, why not? Yeah, I mean, I guess so. That's kind of right, then. I don't know what to do. I, super best friend, make God mad if I break it promise not to kill you. Ha! Got him! Sucker.

Got me what? We're not from far away. Yeah, ha! Gibby and his, like, three villages over. Sucker! Really close. Your face. Well, yeah, but, I mean, you guys did just

promise to be our servants. So, uh, I guess now you're our servants forever. Oh. Yeah, right. We did do that. Still, still, better than being dead right i yeah well yeah i guess um question uh-huh would you have killed us if we didn't agree to uh yeah let me stop you

right there yes yes absolutely would have killed you if you hadn't agreed to that. Okay. Well, then, yeah, that's a win. That's a win. Put that in the W. In your face. And since the hero of our story, enslaving people instead of killing them outright, is as close to a happy ending as we get in this book, we're going to close it there for the night,

and we'll be back in a month with even more... Bible Peace Theater. Before we click publish tonight, I want to apologize for not tossing out that promise total for our fundraiser this year. I said I would have the total for you this week, but we're actually still sorting a few things out. We thought we knew how much it was, but then our anonymous donor up there match. And a couple of people got in touch with us about pretty sizable employer matches, so we're still hammering out the exact amount, but we'll know it before next week. I'll let you know what it is then, and I will tell you now it's going to be way more than double what we raised last year, so thanks and congratulations all around for that. Anyway, that's all the Blast Movie we've got

for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptic Rat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Off When We Stay, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be subjected to a vote of no confidence if I neglected to thank Keith Enright

for his unflinching commitment to not flinching, I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for her ceaseless commitment to not ceasing, and I want to thank the lovely in his own way, Eli Bosnick, for his relentless commitment to not relenting. I need to thank Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, for lending us his vocal talents once again this week. I also want to thank Jezebel and Nora for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Got to admit it, this whole evolution thing is a way better origin story if you're a bird. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous monads,

all the course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous monads, Gavin, Chili, R. Scott, Jeremy, Wolfgard, Yotson, Rina, Darcy, Cranky, Auntie, Anthony, Dan, Douglas, Kayla, Angus, Simon, Vivian, Jason, George, Matthew, and Thomas who have so much gravitas, their opinions bend light. Together, these 20 people, dog wardens, and cartoon penguins

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Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Martin Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used for permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingIdiots.com. The Scathing Atheist. We're not afraid to monetize Eli's child.

You're right. In advance. Eli, this is not a joke. Eli's going to have a car seat worth way more than my car. That's not even an exaggeration. No, you're right. You're right. You're absolutely right.

His mom's going to buy it, but you're right. The monthly insurance premium for his car seat is going to be more than the rest of my car. Huge. Baby's life insurance premium. Baby will get in there. It'll look like fucking Han Solo frozen in carbonite or something. It does come with a Mandalorian.

It's pretty cool. Nice, nice. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.