The Scathing Atheist - 358: Holiday Buffet Edition

Episode Date: December 26, 2019

In this week’s episode, Heath says Jumanji, Eli makes a funny voice, and Noah says angry words. --- Come see us in LA! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-la-tickets-86927786349 --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Warning, this episode contains words and offensiveness, often together. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the nicotine patch. The only reason this episode isn't three uncut tracks with the episode notes of fuck you. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi there, this is Grizz from Toledo, Ohio. I have nothing important to say, nor do I have anything to plug. I have nothing important to say, nor do I have anything to plug, but being a huge scathing atheist fan, I just need to remind you all that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's December 26th. And it's Boxing Day! So, rustle up some mead for the servants, motherfuckers. That's right, I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Jared Kushner's New Jersey. How dare you.

Cincinnati Swing State. And Good Husband Georgia. This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, you'll try not to punch your Trump-supporting uncle in the mouth. My one wish for Christmas is to watch Eli's father-in-law try to charades the term power bottom again. And as you can tell by these guys' joke selection, we record it early. I always say that. But first, the diatribe.

I'm out in the yard playing with something my wife got me and a truck pulls up. A dude I've never met pops out wearing what I can only describe as mailman casual wear. Right? Like he's got the post office logo going on, but he's not wearing the full armor. at me grabs a package out of the back seat brings up to the porch he says noah or you know words to that effect and he hands me this package and i'm kind of flabbergasted because it's christmas day and the post office doesn't run on christmas so who the fuck is this do with my mail and i guess he could read that on my face so he explained that he was the local postmaster or whatever grandiose title he had and on Christmas morning he was in the habit of going into the post office

looking for shit that looked like it might be a Christmas gift and delivering it just in case now in this instance it was some work thing or another and it had fuck all to do with Christmas but it still kind of warmed my heart you know here's this guy sacrificing time with his own family to make sure some little kid's gonna to get that present from Grandma on time. And as much as my logical mind knows that Christmas spirit is a marketing gimmick, the emotional mind gets all sniffy about shit like that because I fucking love Christmas. And the thing I most love about it is the way we all kind of buy into it. And look, I get it, right?

You made it all the way through this Christmas shit, and you're thinking to yourself, ah, finally, it's over, it's behind me. Where's the one place I can go to wash the taste of Jesus' sweet 2019 out of my mouth? I know my atheist podcast, and here I am doing a fucking diatribe about the spirit of Christmas, but I can't help it, right? It may be the day after Christmas for you, but I'm recording this thing night of,

after spending all afternoon like teaching my six-year-old niece how to use her new microscope and teaching my nephew how to play his new ukulele and watching people beam with joy over crappy sweaters and shit. I am bursting at the orifices with holiday cheer at the moment. And I know we've spent an awful lot of time on this atheist podcast talking about christmas shit but that's no accident i don't buy into this christian bullshit that jesus is the reason for the season you know for fuck's sake the whole point of the holiday is doing nice shit for strangers and being inclusive and these motherfuckers are going to put up signs on their fucking lawn saying doesn't count if you don't love the same God as me, though. Fuck you. As the meme so aptly put it, axial fucking tilt is the reason for the season.

Jesus just saw a good thing and signed his name to it. And I'm not just talking about the origins of the holiday here. I mean, sure, as we've discussed many times before, all of the good elements of Christmas are the ones that have fuck all to do with Christianity. The gifts, the lights, the wreaths, the trees, the decorations. Christianity can only really claim the nativity scene, the name, and the boring parts of the Charlie Brown Christmas special. And atheists are quick to point out that all the good shit has pagan origins, right? But the conclusion is too often drawn that Christmas is therefore a pagan holiday. But that's no more correct than saying it's a

Christian one, because paganism didn't create it either. Culture created it. People created it. Religion co-opted, homogenized it, fiddled with it a bit at the edges and shit. But when you look into any single tradition of the holiday, you're going to find it spawning with some random person or town thinking, hey, you know what would be a cool thing to do with the solstice and other people agreeing with them. So it's not that Christmas is a pagan holiday, and it's actually even worse for Christians than that. It's a cultural holiday. It's a secular holiday with a religious name. Consider this, right? Just yesterday, we dropped an episode of Citationated where Heath talked about a bunch of different Christmas traditions from around the world, from the vicious Krampus to the Icelandic demon cat,

from the Danish hate crime mascot to the Spanish shitlog, which are all real things, and if you don't believe me, listen to this week's Citation Needed. Now, if Christmas was truly the religious holiday that Christians claim it is, you'd think the differences in how it was celebrated would be found along religious lines. And yes, the biggest difference is between a majority christian nation and a majority some other religion nation but when you look at like within christian nations the big dividing line isn't between catholics and protestants you know hell i'm willing to bet that the average fundamentalist pentecostal church of christ snake

handling speaking in tongues biblical literalist young earth creationist from West fucking Virginia had damn near the same Christmas celebration as I did this year. I mean, sure, they went to church, had different decorations on their mantle, took longer to get to the fucking point at mealtime. But other than that, we probably did virtually the same shit. But even if you compare two people from the same denomination, of the same sect, of the same branch, of the same schism of Christianity, from two different European countries, you're probably going to see bigger differences between their respective Christmas mornings

than you found between me and Billy Bob's. What's more, the further apart those two countries are, the more differences you're going to find. That's not the way a religious holiday should behave. Right? Like if religion was in the driver's seat of this holiday, the geographical and cultural difference wouldn't hold primacy like that. What's more, if it were truly a religious holiday, Christians wouldn't have to scream themselves hoarse claiming ownership of it. And I know it seems like this shit doesn't matter, but it does, right? A lot of people are willing to roll over on this one and let Christianity have this just because their guy is in the name.

But that's not how it works. We all put in on this bag. Christmas belongs to anybody who ever put up a light or hung a wreath or wrapped a gift or sung a carol. It belongs to anybody who ever used to be a kid and once got a present that made them smile big enough to light up the memories of the person who bought it for them. smile big enough to light up the memories of the person who bought it for him, right? I mean, even if Christianity had started this holiday, it would belong to the cultures that had crafted it by now. Look, there actually is a war on Christmas, and it's the goddamn Christians waging it. They see that we secular folks are having a good old time with a celebration that was around before they showed up, and it'll continue after they're gone, and they can't fucking handle it. So they

fight with the FFRF and the CFI and shit to squeeze their religion back into it against the will of the holiday and the majority of people celebrating it. But fuck them and fuck their revisionist bullshit. I just had the merriest fucking Christmas anybody's ever had and it still counts even if I just did it out of spite. They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. just did it out of spite they're talking about your jesus joining me for headlines tonight are nobody because even we take time off now and again but before we do we always make sure to stock up on some slightly out of date headlines you know

to keep you company while we're gone so without further ado we'll join a few stories we missed over the past month already in progress. And in Trace Hornygoys news tonight. Eli coming hard with the Adventure Zone Yiddish deep cuts. Thank you. Thank you. So Christmas came a little bit early this year at the Scathing Atheist because show favorite Tom Horn took to the airwaves to let us know the real reason behind donald trump's space force fellas any guesses um wants to retire in a place where nobody hates him um i'm guessing trump saw some jedis in the desert in a star wars movie and immediately yelled space muslims tyler get in here

oh close close but no um it's to stop the asteroid known as apophis which according to horn's new book the wormwood prophecy will strike the earth in 2029 now we should probably point out that scientists tell us that while we will be able to see apophis it will miss our planet by quite a bit right yeah and noah's probably gonna miss seeing it because he hit that witch with his car in 1993 and loves astronomy you're fucking right no it's like it won't even be cloudy they'll have just like outlawed looking up for that night or something yeah oh and and by the, if you haven't already started stealing yourself for this one,

I should point out that the pass is going to happen on a Friday 13th. So get ready, y'all. Stupidity is going to have a field day with this one. Oh, beautiful. We're going to have some Harold camping stuff happening.

Yep, for sure. Well, that might be what scientists think, but according to Revelations 8, quote, the third angel sounded his trumpet and a great star, blazing like a torch, fell from the sky

on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water. It just hit a third of them? And the name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters turned bitter, and many people died from the waters that had become bitter. End quote. So, you know.

A third of the rivers? And a third of the water? Yes. Also, like, the two hydrogens got bitter, but the oxygen still tastes good in Iowa. So, by weight, by weight, it was actually way less than a third. It's not a multiple of three. The total river is five.

How are we doing this? Also, I'm sorry, but Rock named Apophis, Star named Wormwood. I'm pretty sure I win and you're an idiot. We're done, right? Oh, sadly, we are not done. Yeah, pretty obvious. That means an asteroid is going to hit us in nine years. But you know what?

Just in case, just in case, Tom Horn, if you're listening. And we know you're listening. Yeah. So we here at The Scathing Atheist are willing to buy every $1,000 you have in 2029 for $1 right now. And since that money's obviously

going to be worth it when the star falls out of the sky, turns one-third of the river bitter. I'll give you $2 right now to beat Eli's $1. $2.50. Call us. The point is, call us. $2.51. Damn. You see what's happening now. By the time you call us, it'll be even more, man. You definitely

want to at least shoot us an email act now okay next story in lone star on yelp news do not go to school in texas if you can avoid it don't do that and um i really need to say school in just don't go there to texas other than a few exceptions. And if you're offended right now, you're in one of the exceptions. Yes, you are. You're in one of the nice parts. So other than the ignorance and the bigotry and the guns and the murdering with guns and the guns that kill you in the face and the giant chemical fires with literal exploding fireballs that you always have, apparently. Other than that stuff, if you're still interested in becoming a Texan, still don't.

Because you'd be subjecting your kids to their school system, which is terrifying. Everything about the fucking state. Look, if my family had chosen to do Thanksgiving in Syria instead of Texas, the nearest deadly explosion over the holiday would have probably been further away. Right. That's a true thing. Your state is all the way fucked. Wow.

That's probably true. So, yeah, the latest news on this is out of the Austin area, which is actually supposed to be one of those good exceptions I was talking about. But it turns out their sex ed curriculum might be even dumber than you already assumed at the public schools in the austin area at least this one district mostly because it's being hijacked by evangelical christian liars again more worse than it already was yeah no i mean it's it's so bad at this point that the authorities in texas have not ruled out. That's how they thought fucking worked as a cause for that big chemical plant explosion. All right, I'll get the uranium and run it.

All right. No, but he disposed the challenge. It's worse than I thought. Okay, worse than I thought. Instead of sex ed, they teach you how to block your someday liberal niece on Facebook when she points out on your bootstrap status that you've been on unemployment for the last three years. Is that what they do? No, I'm sorry. It's even worse than that.

Wow. You were close. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. So the evangelical liars in question are a group called Austin Lifeguard. They're not. Which is run by Austin Life Care. They don't.

And they're an anti-choice crisis pregnancy center. Wow. And in order to sneak their way into public schools, they recently started calling themselves just the source instead of anything with life in it. The source. Just the source instead of anything with life in it the source just the source like they're like a shadowy crime syndicate in a terrible movie the movie is called texas right now there's a lot of explosions yeah a lot of explosions and uh they're getting paid about 35 000 a year by an Austin area public school district to spread propaganda, make kids extra ignorant about sexuality and cause even more of the unwanted pregnancy that their entire stupid fucking thing is about. Right. You got to wonder if it's job security for them at this point.

Right. True story. True story. One of my proudest punishments in school Was making the abstinence only speaker lady cry What'd she say to her? I said, you're a liar and I think you know it And she started to cry

Well done I really wish I could hang out with Eli and Binghamton as a child. Wow. Okay. So here's a few highlights from the evangelical sex ed curriculum of Austin Lifeguard. One big lesson involves passing around Skittles to slut shame the kids who are fucking or thinking about fucking. They give out a skittle to everyone in the class and they tell the kids with the yellow ones to hold them and then everyone else

trades their skittles a bunch of times and then the teacher explains that the yellow skittles are abstinence and everyone else has full-blown aids's a seventh grade curriculum in a public school near Austin, Texas. Okay, just side note, I bet there's some dude at Skittles PR who just spends all day screaming for once, could the example of AIDS or terrorism be a goddamn M&M?

The colors don't even taste different. Come on! Yeah, the Skittles thing, it's obviously a terrible lesson and speaking of which we started talking about just now the yellow ones are clearly not the best yeah that's ridiculous nor are they the worst it's a dumb lesson whatever they're trying to say the green yellow ones wouldn't represent the best or the worst thing and speaking of which the abstinence only curriculum also means that kids are never taught how to use a condom. And then they lie to the kids about the effectiveness of condoms based on the ignorance they create.

Students are told that condoms are 87% effective, which is only true if you count the ignorant kids who have abstinence-only education and wear it upside down like a fucking beanie. Shove it in a vagina and hope to plug the drain or whatever they do. Fill it with helium and hope it protects them like a dream catcher. So, yeah, the actual number is 98 percent effective if you actually wear it correctly. Yeah. And remember, kids, the best way to wear a condom is on your heart. That's what I'm doing. I'm crushing it. They feel weird.

Well. On your heart, they do. Yeah, they feel weird. But here's the scariest part of this curriculum in the discussion of female sexual development they never mention arousal pleasure or sexual feelings at all as part of just female existence that does not exist for them. The curriculum includes a complete diagram of the male anatomy and an almost complete diagram of the female anatomy, which includes everything

except the clitoris. Heath and Wright, are you telling me they literally removed the clitoris from their diagram? This is the guy who can't find the clitis. They literally removed the clitoris from their diagram. Yes, that is correct. This is the guy who can't find the clit,

so he goes into schools to teach that it doesn't exist. Yes. It is. That's exactly what it is. Yup. And in Ministry of Truthiness news tonight, one of the copies of Fahrenheit 451 they were burning at Liberty University must have fallen open this week because someone

got an idea to start their very own propaganda machine. You mean aside from the university itself? So this is a right-wing think tank within the university. So it's a propaganda

Ouroboros. Well, it's like the little baby alien mouth that pops out from the big alien's mouth and like talks to people on the subway when they're trying to commute. You know, I'd like to think this all came about because some misguided

hopeful young administrator at the college said, hey guys, what if we think? And then it just went off the rails from there but it started with good intentions maybe possibly possibly so yeah the purpose of the new institution is to quote equip courageous champions to proclaim the truth of jesus christ to advance his kingdom and to renew american ideals end end quote. And it is named after its founders, Jerry, look at this naked picture of my wife, Falwell Jr., and founder of Turning Points USA, Charlie Kirk. So they called it the Fal Kirk Center for Faith and Liberty.

Okay, okay, you cannot convince me that the Fal Kirk versus Kirkwell debate did not include a threat to tape a line down the entire middle of the university oh 100 100 now as of now fall kirk people are monsters by the way that's ridiculous obviously team kirkwell obviously yeah that's that's the real debate we need to get going now also by the way, Ministry of Truthiness Fahrenheit, it's 1984. It's metaphors were mixed. We're aware of that. I just want to not get the emails. I haven't read either of those books.

They seem boring. I open them and then I'm always like, I feel like a racist wrote this and then I close it. Anyways, now, as of right now, the website is entirely blank, making it the best thing that both Turning Points USA and Liberty University have ever done. But that state probably won't last. According to Charlie Kirk, human proof that

you can't just throw around statements about nobody should ever kill themselves, said this, quote, it's time we went on the offense to stand up for the church in America and to actively promote American freedoms based on the values enshrined in the U.S. Constitution. It's an honor to partner with President Jerry Falwell. That's what his pool boy said. And Liberty University on this purpose-driven mission that will be used to organize an army of believers in faith and liberty,

from renowned pastors to young influencers to renew our sacred freedoms and defend our deeply held convictions, end quote. Yeah, we're picturing like, stay with me, an entire house of worship. Does that make sense? We just invented this just now. Does that make sense? We just invented this just now. Yeah. So for those of you who don't speak Newspeak, a right-wing think tank, besides being an oxymoron,

is a vaguely patriotic-sounding way for right-wing billionaires like the Koch brothers to funnel money to white supremacists and theocrats and universities under the guise of educational funding. And if that sounds like a wacky conspiracy, that's because it is. The conspiracy just happens to be real and nobody bothers hiding it. It's just a conspiracy, I guess. Yeah.

Another way to do that is Super PACs and Citizens United and having Donald Trump pick Supreme Court justices. It's fun how they do that. It's fun. You got a lot of ways. You got a whole thing. Next up in headlines headlines we have a public

service announcement from the scathing atheist don't join cults don't join cults don't join cults especially when there's a guy calling himself a guru he is trying to fuck you and that's it so that's i mean if you want to have sex with that person just do that and don't join the cult because i promise he will not care about the cult part after the sex aligning your aura with the invisible folds of the universe or whatever is not going to matter anymore because those were just nonsense words that he realized were working out better than i want to penis you now. Okay, why are you talking in the third person?

This is weird, right? We had a whole team meeting about fuck advertisements in the headlines. Fuck advertisements, if you will. We did not settle on that name. We did not. And this latest reminder for the PSA comes out of India, And this latest reminder for the PSA comes out of India, where a Hindu guru is facing criminal charges of sexual assault and slavery. But apparently he didn't feel like dealing with that, the whole legal hassle of all that. So he's starting his own very literal evil lair island nation somewhere else.

Now, Keith, that's not fair. Right now, it's just a lair island nation. Doesn't even have laser sharks or a volcano. I feel like this guy kind of takes the evil to whatever lair he hangs his hat in. That's fair. So, the

rapey guru's name is H.D.H. Nithyananda Parameshivam. And at first, I thought his first name was spelled hdh which is actually a pretty cool power move yeah right you know like nobody's gonna be able to do it you get people trying to say it and regardless of what they say you correct it with a ridiculous noise it's like no no it's her don'ts hmm and then and then you keep changing it no matter what they change it to you can go for a while with that power move it's like the donald trump wrist control handshake except way better because justin trudeau can't just out karate you and make you look dumb

yeah but it turns out hdh is just a standard title for gurus that means his divine holiness gotcha and it's that for the record he's i don't give a fuck who you are what you're doing justin trudeau can always just out karate you and make you look dumb at least in my face yeah two-faced motherfucker. A black one and a white one. So HPV Nithyananda got a very polite letter from the Indian government recently that said something like, you've been charged with sexual assault and enslavement. So if you wanted to go ahead and leave the country and start a rapey island nation of your own, we're giving you this head start as a courtesy. So that what he did all right he's doing that now standardized cast paperwork a head

start on your rape trial india is weird i'm gonna go ahead and say it's a weird place apparently so nithy p got some wealthy idiots to buy him an island off the coast of ecuador and he'll be starting up the sovereign republic of kailasa and it's going to be quote the world's greatest and purest hindu nation good to know so just in case you were concerned kailasa will triple dis-toned. Yeah, all the way. And before you ask, it will be a cosmic country. Cosmic country, great. Good to know. Good to know. I was wondering.

It's within the cosmos. Again, it's in the universe. It's in the observable universe, as far as we can tell. And again, also before you ask, yes, there will be magical powers. Magical powers. I got to get a brochure for this thing. My questions. Yeah. Well, there you go.

Now, you know, other than not getting detained for a rape and enslavement charge, HPV Nidimits is also capable of several weirdly low level spells. It is magical powers. These limitations are amazing. Yeah, they're weirdly low-level. I don't understand. You made these up, man. I know you didn't actually master these spells. As Heath goes through his fucking spells.

Imagine you're the comic book writer that has to imagine the scenario where this superhero would be useful. Okay, go ahead. Do your thing. Okay, so superhero pursuing an evil villain. Perhaps somebody making an evil island lair somewhere. I don't know.

And that supervillain can get cows to speak in Sanskrit and Tamil. Mostly they just say moo still, but they say it in Sanskrit. With an accent. But only those two accents. He's also cured 82 children of blindness by opening their third eye, which seems, it's kind of weak sauce. That's a low total number, first of all. If you have that power

you've only used it 82 times you're being a dick there's so many more blind kids in just india than that um also those kids have no depth perception because you couldn't open a fourth eye too it's a dick move if you're opening extra eyes make it four four. Make it eight. I don't know. Make it better. Also, another power he has, he can see through walls. Right. Well, not a lot of people know this, but you can actually take that third eye out and throw it. You're holding it in your hand to see around corners. It's nifty. You can roll it around a wall that you're at.

Exactly. Put a little back spin on it, and it'll go right back under the couch. A little masse. Yeah. Yeah, you just spike into kind of the top of the eyeball after you pull it out. Yeah, absolutely. I like that mistake.

That's his most powerful power, by the way. The wall thing. But here's my favorite power. He can delay the sunrise. Delay it, though. Only up to 40 minutes. You get not past that, though. It's 40 minutes max.

It's mostly for fucking up songs by Lone Star, but you know, did I mention the blind kid thing? I'm on 82. Hoping to break 100 in 2020. Yeah. And if you're thinking about becoming a Kailasian. I am.

Yeah. Fantastic. You can apply for a passport now. And yes, it will allow for free entry in all 11 dimensions and all 14 lokas. Lokas are the 14 earthly realms of Hinduism. Oh, lokas. I thought those were the mango yogurt drink you can get. It's a mango lassi.

Or a mango laddy if you're a boy. Okay. Nailed it. So all you have to do is start practicing hinduism make a donation to kailasi kailasi uh via western union or bitcoin and you're in and uh we will be starting a kickstarter to get eli and also tulsi Gabbard as soon as possible. Going together. She likes islands. She likes colds. Got to use a buddy system.

And in major danger news tonight, a Methodist church in Claremont, California, used a nativity scene to say something other than no Muslims need apply this week. So Christians are naturally pissed off about it. So Christians are naturally pissed off about it. Their chilling display shows Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus all separated and barbed wire topped cages in an obvious reference to the Trump administration's child separation policy. That's great work. It really is. It really is. It hits you right in the fucking eyes when you see it. And the most fucked up thing about this display is that their caged baby jesus has it so much fucking better than the

actual humans that the display is meant to reference baby jesus has his own manger whole cage to himself you know wow that's literally true it's better there yep oh okay so here's the new plan every immigrant family needs to dress up as nativity scene characters so you can get video of ice agents side tackling mary and baby jesus is all over that maybe that would help like it new new plan we tell everyone south of the mason dixon line that ice is an obama era climate change task force they abolish it themselves now i should say it's worth noting that so far the general christian response to this at least judging from what i'm seeing on social media is far more severe than their reaction to doing this to people was oh yeah the church's pastor responded to criticism by saying quote

we don't see it as political we see it as theological end quote because she doesn't know what those words mean i guess and then she quote, if the imagery of the holy family and the image of a nativity is something you hold dear and you see them separated, then that's going to spark compassion in many people, end quote. And it's not that I don't applaud this effort, but I think it's damn telling when Christian leaders have to think of ways to trick Christians into caring about Mexicans. Yeah. And they're actually tapping into anti-Semitism a little bit to make it happen.

They're basically saying like, hey, guys, the U.S. is treating Mexican people like those Jews were treating Jesus and the Christians. Can you believe that shit? Yeah. Okay. New, new, new, new plan. can you believe that shit yeah okay new new new new plan we produced a series of psas about how sometimes white people fall into a big vat of bronzer and get mistaken for mexican people at the border oh there we go all right that also would help yeah uh anyway i i don't want to shit on this church too much it's a powerful image it sparked a lot of conversation and as hemet met up

points out over on the friendly atheist blog this church puts its money where its mouth is on the issue the church works with refugees at the border and donated five figures uh towards legal counsel for refugees so they deserve a lot of kudos just you know a nice reminder that christians are by and large a hell of a lot better than christianity yeah and in no fair we call dibs news tonight. Speaking of Christian freakouts, Christians all over the world are losing their minds over a 46-minute comedy sketch by the Brazilian group Porta dos Fundos, titled The First Temptation of Christ, in which Jesus is gay. This is great work. Now, I should clarify, we're not talking about like a Facebook group being offended with

11 followers and a Russian troll leading it. As of this writing, nearly 2 million people had signed a petition on change.org asking Netflix to take the show down. 2 million. Wow, that's 500 times bigger than the Twitter following for one million moms. That's a lot. Even more if you don't count the paid ones. Yeah, but like, I mean, let's keep this all in perspective.

Two million is approximately the number where you would get if you added up like all the people that signed the petition to get Obama to build a Death Star with all the people who voted for Bodie McBoatface, right? That's fair. That's fair. But it's actually not just a petition. The son of the president, Eduardo Bolsonaro, chimed in as well, tweeting, quote, we support freedom of expression, but is it worth attacking the belief of 86%

of the population? End quote. And speaking of attacking the majority of the population, my father looks like cruella deville with a pixie cut okay we're gonna go hunt some dogs in the rainforest with flamethrowers bye yeah right and by dogs we mean religious minorities also i i'm not sure if anybody has answered eduardo's uh question directly so just to be, yes is the correct answer to that question, Eddie. It is worth checking, yes.

But my favorite freakout comes from right here in the good old U.S. of A. By hate preacher, pastor, and wife beater who beats his wife, Greg Locke, who took to his car to rant about how offended he was. Now, Locke, who listeners might remember for calling transgender people perverts, saying that the sexual revolution leads to bestiality and getting really really mad when you donate to Planned Parenthood in his name had this to say about the special quote look folks at the end of the day there are some things that are just off limits is what my parole officer always tells me he continues now netflix produces a show about jesus being a

homosexual when he's 30 years old he comes home to his family and brings his boyfriend to meet them are you flipping kidding me are you flinging flanging kidding me he was roaming the desert for years with a bunch of dudes yes just be happy he was having fun and being gay whatever you thought he was going to bring home a girlfriend to thanksgiving after that no you get to meet orlando his buddy who's beautiful jesus was obviously bisexual that's fantastic that's great or or just get no or look i mean look he spent all his time with men to whom he bragged about how little he wanted to fuck women. Right. Even by your own story, he's like celibate, but gay.

He concludes, quote, How much meth do you have to smoke to be that unbelievably stupid? Some of us just start out that dumb, Greg. If they were to do that against Islam and make Muhammad a gay person, the backlash would be unbelievable. They wouldn't dare do that. And rightly so. Oh, up until that, he had a point. Just almost. And yet Christians are defending this utter wicked, blasphemous nonsense.

Oh, it's just comedy. It's not comedy. It's blasphemy. Jesus was not a homosexual if you call yourself a follower of jesus christ and you condone a homosexual jesus i wonder and i question who you're really following um they're following gay jesus you just said that yeah right that was the setup and then finally as a little postscript he adds this is not a call to boycott netflix this is a call for netflix to man up and realize how stupid this is how unbelievably

blasphemous this is and pull the show end quote oh okay and by the way the best thing about this video is that he's got a title on the bottom of him that says like homosexual jesus but that got trimmed down when he shared it on twitter so until you play the video the thumbnail that you see is just his face with the word homosexual under it from his twitter account and as of this writing he hasn't realized that really let's not tell him let's not tell him everybody just screenshot it and enjoy craig lock take your headphones out 10 seconds ago so with all that said i have to admit i too am offended by the first temptation of christ seriously 46 minutes what are you monty python that sketch has legs for 10, 15 minutes, maybe.

Doesn't even have a turn. Have some decency. Also, we did Gay Jesus way better and way more meta on Mormon Peace Theater. I'm just saying. Just saying. Yeah, right. And so if you're going to do 46 minutes, you have to split that up once a month over a long period. I mean, I would say call us Netflix, but as quick as that ship's sinking, we'll call you. We'll just

stay by the phone. And in peace on Earth and goodwill towards men, motherfucker news. I know that what is or isn't on the courthouse lawn in bumfuckopolis, South Dakota, isn't really national news, but the armistice on the war on Christmas

starts before our next episode. So I wanted to share one last story of Christians melting the fuck down over the audacity of equality. And this one comes to us from got you. This is worse than bumfuckopolis show. Appanoose County, Iowa. Okay.

In their defense, bumfuckopolis was taken. So I will. All right. So here's the backstory. Last month, the local chamber of commerce places a nativity scene outside the county courthouse. Then somebody points out that's unconstitutional, so they move it to some nearby private property. And Christians in Iowa would be damned

if they were going to just let the First Amendment be enforced without a fight. So last week, they had an amazing collective hissy fit at a city council meeting. And the whole thing was on video. It has since been taken down, apparently. But it was fucking amazing. It's so good. It's like they were all offered $45 in Olive Garden gift cards for whoever reacted the most.

It was honestly, it was like these people had just been offered $45 in Olive garden gift cards but only one of them could get it yeah so many fucking breadsticks the relevant segment opens up with the poor city administrator having to explain to the frothing hit christians that they don't get to overrule the constitution regardless of how many signatures they have on that their change dot org edition and then because his job requires that he opens the floor to public comments and it's like watching people act out the youtube comments in interpretive dance all i could find on this i couldn't find a full video but i found like news reports with tiny little clips from this city council meeting

and they could use more than like three seconds at a time because someone clearly started screaming anti-semitic slurs every fourth second one clip just had a guy saying please put it back with a hard cut right away at that point before a k-bomb a very weird k-bomb all right so let me fill you in on a couple of the highlights that you missed the best argument offered up by team nativity scene were that quote christians have rights also end quote by a lady who visibly forced herself to use also instead of two because you know more syllables equals smarter word then there was this pastor who was offering to pay all the city's legal fees if they had to defend the nativity display in court.

But like on behalf of someone else that hadn't made that offer, it wasn't going to do it. And my personal favorite was this lady who, in the midst of this endless tirade of non sequitur, suddenly shouts out, I would die for my God. And then failed to put her money where her mouth was. I love her so much. I love her so like anytime someone's like, how do you think the 2020 election is going to go? I just want to show them this clip with a totally straight face and walk away. It's going to go like this because you and this lady have the biggest influence on the primaries. This state where this lady lives.

This lady. She's like seven of us. God. Yeah. And by the way, whatever Fox News local affiliate for Corn Fuck Junction or whatever it was, that was doing this story, they ended up showing one atheist guy. Yeah. He somehow had like a bunch of extra rows of teeth, like a shark. I'm really

not exaggerating. He's probably crazy looking. And he spent about five minutes trying to finish saying, I shouldn't have to see Jesus at the courthouse, which is right near my bench house, where I live on a bench. And like, that was all they could find for the other side of the story. Yeah, dude, if you're listening, start a podcast. Heath and I have prehensile jaws, but nobody needs to know. Audio medium, brother. Audio medium.

You think of your jaw as able to grasp things? Yes. I mean, it can, I guess. Yeah, it's a weird usage. Imagining Eli with his jaw wrapped around a tree limb or something. with a monkey using its tail come on let's see who's got prehensile shit let's go winging by my jaw from branch to branch next to tarzan exactly so yeah so they never actually published the official number on these kind of things but with six

shopping days left when this episode comes out i think it's safe to say based on the incoherent disgruntled snorts of these iowans alone that we won the war on christmas again this year regardless of what eric trump says so you know treat yourself to some nog all right next up in headlines donald trump held the white house hanukkah reception last week which is not when hanukkah is nope no it isn't it's fine so way early happy hanukkah i guess to all the non-blood traitor conservative jewish people who don't hate Israel. The rest of you are anti-Semitic. And in honor of this holy observance for Judaism, Trump invited Southern Baptist Rabbi Robert Jeffress to give a speech. And Jeffress is an expert on explaining to Jewish people how to avoid eternal damnation.

Spoiler, the answer is to stop being jewish so complete that was a nice gesture from the president he's helping him out right robert jefferson and to lead this year's naacp luncheon i'd like to introduce david duke david well okay yeah but to be fair this was just who trump settled for after tall tyler explained that his first choice killed himself at the end of world war ii allegedly yeah so yeah i wasn't exaggerating about robert jeffress during a tv interview he literally said the following while he was apparently doing crowd work about who's going to hell quote mormonism is wrong it's a heresy from the pit of hell okay somebody name another one what about judaism oh great one judaism you can't be saved being a jew you know who said that by the way the three greatest jews in the new testament peter paul and jesus christ they all said judaism won't do it it's faith in

me or jesus christ depending on depending on which of the three of them end quote end quote from the guy who spoke at the opening of the new u.s embassy in israel last year also. And this year, the White House Hanukkah reception. Yep. All right. So anyway, who's up for some dreidel, huh? Who wants sour cream? Who wants applesauce? Put them up.

Put them up, sour cream. I'm sorry, Peter and Paul. I mean, I get how Jesus makes the best Jews in the Bible list, but how the hell are you going to rank Peter above Samson or Elisha? Peter didn't even have superpowers. That'd be like listing Hawkeye as the second baddest-ass Avenger. Fuck you. I pulled off that

undercut. I'm just saying, he pulled off that undercut. Yeah, alright. Well, we'll circle back to that Avengers thing. It's ridiculous. So, yeah, of course, the other person who heard about all this and freaked out was Rick Wiles. He heard Dubs. Yeah.

Ricky Dubs. He heard about this. He heard about everybody pointing out that Robert Jeffress is a giant bigot with White House credentials. What the fuck? So Wiles decided to explain why those people who think Robert Jeffress is a bigot, why those people are wrong. And the reason is because Jewish people are all literally going to burn in hell for eternity and facts cannot be bigoted. And yes, Rick Wiles is a lunatic who thinks there's a Jew data happening. But anyone who believes the words of the new testament

those people technically agree with rick wiles yeah yeah wiles explained quote lake of fire end quote so you know what the fuck that is the most appropriate and all-encompassing rick wiles quote that ever has or could be, by the way. That's what he's always saying. You just get his whole goddamn personality in three words right there. Shrieking like a fire needs to just be like playing on loop out of a speaker on his face. Play it for grandma while she falls asleep and dies.

Okay, but at this point, I can only conclude that Rick Wiles is in a producer's-like desperate mission to get himself kicked off the air right at this point he has to have a google alert set for anti-semitism to give him new material every week yeah it's definitely springtime for rick wiles and uh by the way, side note about Donald Trump's deep connection to Judaism, a very good friend of mine and friend of the show, actually, his high school principal was the rabbi chosen by Jared Kushner to do magic spells on Ivanka in order to make her Jewish. And when this rabbi announced what he was doing, the entire school community yelled at him

literally forever and they're still yelling he walks around the upper east side of manhattan people are like hey uh rabbi great sermon go fuck yourself for that thing you didn't think go fuck yourself and i'm told they ran into a little bit of trouble at the conversion ceremony. Judaism didn't really take. The rabbi did the final spell and started raining sulfur in a little cartoon cloud right over Ivanka's head. She burst into flame. Everybody had to evacuate as a whole thing. Apparently, Judaism was just like rejecting her like a bad organ. Wasn't a good time.

It was the original unwanted Ivanka right there. I enjoyed that story from my very good friend. And in god-awful gaming news tonight. You know, the improvements in virtual reality technology over the last few years have a variety of benefits.

There's virtual reality pornography and a series of other things to pretend a VR headset isn't just for porn. I'm not sure what those other things are. I'm not a liar so I don't know what we pretend. Lightsaber stuff is what Lucinda thinks.

Yeah, sure. Lightsaber stuff. Lightsaber porn. Absolutely. I want to put on a helmet so I can work out. Anyway, this week we were treated to a trailer for perhaps the weirdest use of VR yet. A virtual reality experience coming to Steam this year titled I Am Jesus Christ. And according to the one minute and two second trailer, I Am Jesus Christ will have gamers everywhere healing the blind, multiplying fish, all while keeping their

Jesus meter full. It's unclear what the game is. There's a goddamn virtual crucifixion in it. That's true. That's not an exaggeration. You get to look out the eyes of hanging on a stick. Like, the haptics

on that are going to suck. He might as well take out a one-up mushroom from his pocket while he's getting crucified. He'll be like, bleh, bleh, bleh. All right. Either way, we are psyched, and we are definitely going to play this game when it comes out. We are going to speed run this game.

It's why I need the Oculus, baby. I didn't even know porn was on it until Eli mentioned it just now. But we can't do it with a title that's so obviously missing this opportunity. So, gentlemen, 27 seconds on the clock. Better names.

27? 27, yes. He wants to have his own thing, Heath? That's my thing. That's 27 seconds. You want us to do 9 tenths of our normal amount? 27. Yes. He wants to have his own thing. That's my thing. That's 27 seconds. You want us to do 9 tenths of our normal amount? Yes, please. If you could leave off some letters from the last answer. 27 seconds on the clock.

Better names for the Jesus virtual reality experience. Go. Oh, okay. Bible Shock Infinite. Superstario Goddessy. Immortal Combat. Lovely. Beleaguered

Legend. Phenomenal. Less Boring Death Stranding. What? It's a pretty boring game. Multiplying. The Way, the Truth, and the half-life. Excellent. I was trying so hard to come up with a good half-life one.

Well done, sir. And on that note, we're going to close out the headlines for tonight. Pre-recorded Heath and Eli. Thanks, as always. Do manji. And when we come back, cows will do outfit stuff. I'm probably not the only atheist who was asked by a Christian friend this year why I celebrate Jesus's birthday. And I've got a whole shtick I do when people ask me this that basically boils down to a reminder that historically speaking, it doesn't really belong to Christianity.

Right? I point out how many Jews in America celebrate it. I point out its pagan origins. I do a mini version of this week's diatribe, and then usually they shrug it off. But one rhetorical device that I lack, one that would shut this conversation down entirely, is a single holiday from another religion to celebrate, right? As soon as I could say, well, look, I also celebrate the Hindu holiday of, you know, whatever, I can shut down the question without leaving anybody with an excuse to pretend that I'm secretly really a Christian and I'm bound to come back to God as I get older. So that's my New Year's resolution.

I'm going to find some other religious holiday to celebrate this year, and I'm inviting you along for the ride. Every month, we're going to highlight a few more of the options. We'll talk about how to celebrate them, and we'll take advantage of the a la carte nature of atheist celebrations in general in a new segment called The Holiday Buffet January. So each month we'll present three different religious holidays and leave it to you to decide which ones, if any, you want to celebrate. And in the future, Heath and Eli will be here as well, because I won't be recording at midnight on Christmas. So this month, we're going to start with...

Guntun Sai. Shinto. What it commemorates. The purchase of a new calendar. Best aspect. There's sushi. Worst aspect. You get extorted by children.

When is it? January 1st through the 7th. Until the Meiji period of Japanese history, the island nation celebrated the new year on the traditional lunar calendar still used throughout most of East Asia. But in 1873, the country adopted the Gregorian calendar amid a wide swath of changes that transformed Japan from an isolated feudal society to a still pretty fucked up imperial nation. Though it is technically a Shinto holiday, its popularity has already transformed it into a largely secular celebration that grinds business to a fucking halt and makes postal workers suicidal on an annual basis in Japan. Of course, there are no shortage of New Year's celebrations to choose from, and most of them are secular in nature, so it might seem superfluous for an atheist to go digging around in Shintoism to find further excuses for debauchery on the 1st of

January. That being said, among the many coinciding global festivities on this date, a good argument can be made that the Japanese take on the holiday as the best. For example, it lasts for seven days. Most Japanese businesses shut down for the first three days, and the seventh day is generally reserved for nursing the hangovers and distended stomachs that celebrants have earned over the previous week. So if you want to get in on Gantan Sai, it's pretty easy. You know that crazy shit that you do on New Year's Eve? Just keep doing that for an additional 168 hours and, you know, maybe sprinkle in some boiled seaweed and sake here and there. And speaking of New Year's, our next contender this month is mahayana new year buddhist what

we're commemorating an arbitrary position in the earth's orbit really best aspect yak butter sculpting worst aspect gender-specific bathing prohibitions, how is it celebrated, breathing, etc. Among the most contentious issues among the various sects of Buddhism is when the hell the year begins. According to the Mahayana tradition, New Year starts on the first full moon in January, though, and since more than half of Buddhists follow the Mahayana tradition, democratically speaking, they win. Now, tracing the heritage of the Mahayana New Year would be more an exercise in etymology than one in history, as the, tracing the heritage of the Mahayana New Year would be more an exercise in etymology than one in history, as the myriad incarnations of the celebration virtually all

predate the rise of Buddhism. It's a catch-all holiday drawn around thousands of local traditions, and that means that basically whatever an atheist feels like doing on this date can probably be justified by some regional iteration of Buddhism or another. So just do whatever you want that day, and if anybody gives you shit, just tell them it's an old Nepalese tradition and I'm pretty sure they're not going to call you on it. But if whatever you want isn't enough to sway you, perhaps I can interest you in our final holiday this month. Makar Sankrati. Hindu.

What we're commemorating. The harvest and not being killed by a monsoon before the harvest. Best aspect. Kites. Worst aspect. It's humiliating for the cows. When it's celebrated. January 14th.

Okay, gonna be honest, there are no shortages of names I could have chosen for this one, and I didn't go with the easiest one to pronounce. Makara Sankrati marks the movement of the sun into the zodiacal house of Makara, which coincides with the harvest season in India. Thus, it's an umbrella term that describes the various regional celebrations and customs that arose around the communal harvest season throughout the Hindu world. So, you know, a lot like the last one, there is no single set of traditions associated with this day. But there are a number of commonalities that can be found in most or all of the regional variations. These include brothers visiting their sisters,

dressing cows in strange attire, exchanging sweets, flying kites, getting rid of old stuff, getting new stuff to replace the old stuff you just got rid of, and jumping into rivers. This is in addition, of course, to the feasts and gatherings that are common to almost all holidays. There is a darker side of the holiday as well, as it's often celebrated with cockfights, bullfights, nightingale fights, or mortal battles between any two animals that might be enticed into it, really. Generally, though, the day is seen as one of renewal. There's an emphasis on getting rid of things that are no longer needed, often by burning them in large bonfires, as well as showing off new things like new clothes and jewelry.

Symbolically, this represents doing away with bad habits and replacing them with more productive ones. Clearly, many of the widespread traditions of Makaras and Krati are sorely lacking in the Western pantheon of holidays. For most of these is a celebration of the importance of our siblings. While most Hindu versions of this holiday focus on brothers bestowing gifts on their sisters, atheists are allowed to use all their siblings. Plus, there's kites and cows doing outfit stuff. So which, if any, will you be celebrating this year? Let us know and preferably share pics at PIA Teapot on Twitter. And if you don't like any of those, don't worry, we'll be back with more on next month's Holiday Buffet. Before we get back to all our new toys,

I want to let you know that we're finally coming to L.A. in the new year. We've just announced a live God Awful Movies in L.A. on February 15th, day after Valentine's Day, so come on out and let us romance you. We're in a pretty small theater for this one, so if you want to make this show, get your tickets soon. They will sell out, and they'll sell out pretty damn quick. Check the show notes for a link to take care of that.

Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Due, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be wasting the time of all of those temporal ghosts from the other night if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for the kick-ass headphones.

I want to thank Eli Bosnick for the extravagantly awesome board game. I want to thank Lucinda for something that apparently won't be here until January 14th or something. I also want to thank Grizz from Toledo for the Farnsworth quote that they gave me for Christmas. It's exactly what I wanted, and it fit perfectly. Also, don't beat yourself up for not having anything important to say nobody from Toledo ever has.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, who I'll thank by name on next week's episode. It's either that or risk the wrath of Lucinda by working even longer on Christmas Day, and she has a varmint hammer. And by the way, if you'd like to hear your name alongside theirs, you can bring us yet more holidays here by making a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode,

or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but holy fucking shit, do I have any idea how much money you just spent on Christmas shit? You can also help a ton by leaving this five-star review, following at P-I-A-T-B-O-T on Twitter, and telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson, and our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. Also, we're all the music that was used in this episode, which is used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAIDS.com. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.