The Scathing Atheist - 359: Bird Marriage Edition

Episode Date: January 2, 2020

In this week’s episode, Rudy Giuliani rates jews on a scale of George Soros to Mel Brooks, based on that scale, 90% of Jewish people are NOT Jewish, and Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to not be Jewish either. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Tom and Cecil here: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Diatribe Link:  https://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/commentary/2019/12/25/christianity-is-the-greatest-engine-of-moral-reform-and-cultural-riches-the-world-has-known/ --- Headlines: Rudy Giuliani Insists He’s “More of a Jew” Than a Holocaust Survivor: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/12/24/rudy-giuliani-insists-hes-more-of-a-jew-than-a-holocaust-survivor/ Over 900 Priests Accused of Child Sex Abuse Left Off Church Lists: https://apnews.com/f6238fe6724bdf4f30a42ff7d11a327e “America’s Youngest Mayor” Is the Face of an Anti-Abortion Stunt: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/12/27/americas-youngest-mayor-is-the-face-of-an-anti-abortion-stunt/ Cardinal Accused of Sexual Abuse Gave Out $600,000 to Fellow Catholic Leaders: https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/disgraced-former-cardinal-mccarrick-gave-more-than-600000-in-church-funds-to-powerful-clerics-records-show/2019/12/26/ Coach Dave Says "I Went to a Zoo and Saw How Interracial Marriage Is Wrong": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/12/25/dave-daubenmire-i-went-to-a-zoo-and-saw-how-interracial-marriage-is-wrong/ Buttigieg Says Churches Aren’t Like “Other Non-Profits,” So No Transparency Needed: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2019/12/29/buttigieg-churches-arent-like-other-non-profits-so-no-transparency-needed/

Warning, the language in this episode is pretty fucked up. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Crucimix. The best snack when your cadaver is reanimated to march behind your savior in the end times. Crucimix, the best gorps for a corpse. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey, Dippin.Chat. Oh, hi, Claire and Molly. What did you learn from Professor Farnsworth?

I learned that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Yay! Hooray! I'm a limson! It's Thursday, 2020. It's January 2nd. And it's Swiss Cheese Day. The holiest of holies. There we go. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Aaron Burrs, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Rudy Giuliani rates Jews on a scale from George Soros to Mel Brooks. Based on that scale, 90% of Jewish people are not Jewish people. And Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to not be Jewish people either. But first, the diatribe. When scores of newspapers run an op-ed titled, Christianity is the greatest engine of moral reform and cultural riches the world has ever known, you can pretty much bank on it winding up in my inbox several times.

you can pretty much bank on it winding up in my inbox several times so yeah this fetid tripe popped up on christmas day and came to us from some evangelical historian out of baylor do you hear a gay i don't hear anything university so you know it's going to be objective and it sets a record for self-refutation here's's the goddamn opening sentence, quote, often media outlets, it seems, are uninterested in religion, especially Christianity, except when it's connected to scandals and electoral controversies, end quote. Said the article in several media outlets with no subject other than, boy, is Christianity awesome, and a title that's just a verbose way of saying Christianity is the best of the religions. Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, how the fuck is anybody going to present themselves

as an authority on moral reform when they're collecting their paycheck from an institution dedicated to ironing out the persistent bend in the moral universe's arc. But secondly, and more importantly, the fuck it is. This is a claim you've got to trudge through a lot if you read much history. Basically, the argument goes like this. If you use the morality of Western European nations as your measuring stick, Western European nations are the most moral nations. And because those nations were historically Christian, Christianity must be great at making nations moral. Now, it's tempting to dismiss this argument by pointing out some of the other things those nations have in common historically, right? Like maybe the moralizing force was the diatonic scale or the bubonic plague.

Maybe the moralizing force was the diatonic scale or the bubonic plague. But that skirts around their actual argument, because you can't actually argue that Christianity, specifically the Roman Catholic brand, was a moralizing force in Western Europe throughout the modern history of the region. It's hard to argue that it was very good at doing that when you compare the morality of Western Europe when the Vatican was in charge to, I don't know, anywhere else in the goddamn world at that time. But it clearly did set the moral tone for the region for a lengthy period. Of course, if we accept the measure of morality that they're using here, you can't help but notice that the bull market on morality that we're experiencing now didn't start when we started being Christian. In fact, it actually started when we stopped. The embrace of rationality that we shorthand as the Enlightenment is the genesis of whatever moral capital the West has to offer. What's more, the historians making this claim admit as much,

but then they try to give Christianity credit anyway by saying that the Enlightenment couldn't have happened if the Christian worldview hadn't primed society and built an ethical skeleton the enlightenment thinking could hang on or some such bullshit now that's audacious on its face right it's the yeah but i loosened the jar of historical accomplishments but it's far worse when you consider that the movement we're talking about was literally defined by the extent to which people stopped listening to the goddamn church. It was an intellectual rebellion against what religion was selling, both the Catholics and the Lutherans. So, yeah, couldn't have done it without them, sure. But like, you know, I couldn't have quit smoking if it hadn't been for cigarettes. I'm still not tempted to give

them a lot of the credit. But the worst thing, though, about this argument is that it mistakes to give him a lot of the credit. But the worst thing, though, about this argument is that it mistakes homogeny for morality. I mean, your moral system may be the one that wins out in a democratic worldwide vote, but only because your continent had the best boats and the most coastline back in the day. The near universality of Western ethics is a byproduct of colonialism, not their innate superiority. If the Chinese had had done it historians would say the same shit about confucianism or buddhism or something because as it happens stuff like we should figure out a way to do this where we don't kill each other and stuff is just universal goals of society not some secret fucking formula that jesus gave us right like once the people of the world were

knit together some basic understanding of morals was bound to develop it happened every other time multiple isolated groups of humans came together you know the people who could throw the biggest dick on the scale at that point got to dictate a lot of it and so mostly they won out but they didn't always win the very means by which they spread their morals was deemed immoral by the International Court of Public Opinion. And we eventually did away with colonialism or I mean, at least did away with openly bragging about it. And sure, historians can point to all kinds of influential historical thinkers in the field of ethics that were strongly influenced by their Christian faith. But since you can also point to influential thinkers in the field that have other religions or no religion at all, it would be fucking pointless. So when they make

the claim to some kind of unique Christian morality, it's worth keeping in mind that with apologies to Voltaire, it's not unique, it's not Christian, and it's not morality. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are old acquaintances, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnickfellas. Are you ready to be brought to mind? I mean, if anyone was ever here because we're here because we're here because we're here. It's me and Heath.

Rigging the New Year with World War I trench song deep cuts. Nailing it. Thank you. Wow. We're here because, we're here because. You guys aren't going to jump in? We're here because, we're here. In our lead story tonight, fuck you guys.

Song's a lot longer than you remembered it being. Hard to do just a couple of bars of that bad boy. Lead story tonight, in I Need a Jew, Leone News. During an interview with New York Magazine last week, Donald Trump's penguin lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, magazine last week donald trump's penguin lawyer rudy giuliani claimed that he's quote more jewish than george soros rudolf giuliani yeah right the italian american catholic has a scale in his mind about the extent to which people are jew, like on a spectrum of Judaism. And he thinks he has more Jewish units than literal junets.

Thank you, Gilad Bazin. Rudolph Giuliani thinks he has more junets than literal Holocaust survivor George Soros. I mean, looks like we got to settle this with an old-fashioned Jew. First event, Schmitzing, go! Actually, I'm pretty sure Rudy could nail that one. So maybe a different first round. So apparently, this whole thing is based on the idea that

your level of Judaismaism is determined by how much you agree with donald trump on israel it's not a great metric but that's jewishness seems more accurate we're gonna have one yeah so here's the thing george soros doesn't agree with palestinian apartheid as practiced by Benjamin Netanyahu. So you subtract that from Soros' being a Jewish person to get his final Judaism score.

Which is apparently medium amounts of Jewish. And Giuliani is more in the medium well range in his head. So there you go. Careful, Heath. Trump will cover him in ketchup i will not be careful uh so here's the exact words from giuliani quote don't tell me i'm anti-semitic if i oppose him apparently apparently the guy from new york magazine was about to do

that uh i i don't know to say, but that's how he started. I mean, I feel like don't tell me I'm anti-Semitic is like a reflex preface to Trump surrogates at this point. And the world's most Jewish Catholic continued. Soros is hardly a Jew. I'm more of a Jew than Soros is i probably know more about he doesn't go to church he doesn't go to religion synagogue juliana is one of those people who attends a church religion synagogue yeah one of those jewish people and continuing the quote soros doesn't support israel he's an enemy of israel he's elected eight anarchist da's in the united states what end quote he doesn't have

candles i have candles you want to talk secret gold i have secret gold. Wait, wait, wait. Because this sounds so oxymoronic to me. The Jews control the DA appointments? Wait, wait. Through some sort of limited Jewish democratic council? I'm so confused. Yeah. And what the fuck is an anarchist DA? You might ask.

Like what would they do? Prosecute anything. I don't know. Prosecute nothing. No idea what the fuck he thinks that means. And how would those anarchist DAs operate as enemies of foreign countries? Go fuck yourself. No clue.

operate as enemies of foreign countries go fuck yourself no clue you guys have any idea about any of those words even before that so confused i i mean either i don't or rudy doesn't one of those things is true all i know is that anarchy is one of those words that the dumbest on both the left and right can agree on saying without any idea what that means it's a it's a real it breaks people together anarchy and in molester lister news tonight we learned this week that show of hands might not be the best way to root out child molesters when the ap released a report showing that these lists of rapist priests that catholic diocese keep churning out might just be incomplete and the headlines are all saying that the ap analysis found more than 900 clergy members accused of child abuse that weren't included

on their list and as bad as 900 sounds i want you to keep in mind what a wide range more than oh my god it's a lot okay a new system this should work better if you're a priest you are under arrest now we'll figure out which fucking three of you are not child molesters i feel like that's a simpler system i honestly i feel like based on current laws being a priest is probable cause it's not like i feel like you could pull them out of the car you know what they say if you want to make an omelet you shouldn't have fucked so many kids. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. That is what they say.

So basically, all the AP did is check the list that these dioceses have put out against other publicly available documents. Someone in the Vatican is just like, what do you mean there's other publicly available documents? Yeah, right, right. Oh, well, look, there's a group called bishop accountability.org that has a far more thorough list than the ones these catholic officials are presenting and between that website bankruptcy documents lawsuits settlement information grand jury reports and media accounts they could point to more than 900 people who the catholic church seem to have forgotten to include jesus. We're basically doing the kindergarten teacher thing.

Being like, all right, everyone close their eyes. And if all the molester priests are on my desk, when we open them up, we'll call it a day. What the fuck? And I should be clear that, yes, reasonable people could disagree about what the word credibly means when we're talking about people

who are credibly accused of something. But I also should be clear that these are not cases like this. No, they are not. Okay. One example the AP gives is Richard J. Poster, who, quote, served time for possessing child pornography, violated his probation by having contact with children, admitted masturbating in the bushes near a church school, and in 2005 was put on a sex offender registry, end quote.

And yet that guy was only added to the church's official list when the Associated Press asked why the fuck he wasn't already on it. Okay, eyes are still closed, but anyone who rhymes with Pritchard schmoester needs to come sit on the desk okay you know what nobody nobody closed their eyes ever or a priest will fuck you apparently so let's yeah right yeah if you've learned anything bad system yeah richard you're under arrest and look i i know it comes as no surprise that the Catholic Church has been less than forthcoming about how many of them rape kids, but predictability shouldn't temper our outrage. And for fuck's sake, at least they should be trying harder than this, right? Like, I know that nobody in this fucking country is going to hold a religion accountable for a thing, but they should at least act like that's a possibility.

For my sake, just go through the fucking motions. At least act like that's a possibility. For my sake, just go through the fucking motions. I'm just saying that as much as the Catholic Church hates the idea of coming clean on this, some kid in France found a solution they're going to like even less. Hashtag not all heroes wear capes. Okay, no, no. And in look who's caucusing news tonight. You know, with 2019 being a constant stream of horrible things trump and

his cronies said and did i think we all deserve a little bit of good news in the new year don't you well luckily this week we got an adorable story out of whitehall texas where they just elected seven month old charlie mcmillan america's youngest mayor literally happened happened. Oh, yeah, but I feel like the Buttigieg campaign engineered this so he wouldn't be the least experienced one anymore. Not that we need an explanation for a baby mayor in 2020 because

who fucking cares anymore? But just in case you're curious, Charlie's election is the result of a fundraiser for the White Hall Volunteer Fire Department and Charlie's parents were the highest bidder. Oh, so like normal elections, but like way more honest, actually. Yeah. Well, no, they only let Americans bid.

Oh, all right. So Charlie's campaign was adorable. Charlie's campaign was adorable. His campaign slogan? Make America kind again. And he even had his own customized swearing in, which went, quote, I, William Charles McMillan,

do solemnly promise that I will faithfully execute the office of mayor of Whitehall and will to the best of my ability be kind to everyone on the playground, promote life, adoption, and good, clean country living, pave all gravel roads take cookies to the volunteer fire department catch the biggest catfish and preserve protect and defend the community of whitehall so help me mom and dad okay um so i know they snuck some pro-life propaganda

in there yeah yeah but uh i'm even more concerned about this enormous catfish demon that's terrorizing this little town. And why would they send little Willie after it, right? A seventh month old is going to catch a giant cat, like, wrassle it out of a pond? What is happening? Yep. So, as Heath pointed out, you might have caught that little acknowledgement of life acknowledgement of life there in his cutesy bootsy swearing in speech, but that's not all. When you click on Charlie's website,

there are multiple links to crisis pregnancy centers. Oh, fuck. Right. Which for those of you who are unfamiliar are fake Planned Parenthoods set up by Christians where they literally dress up in scrubs and lie to you about abortion. And the deeper you look into this website, the scarier it gets. On the page about Charlie's platform, the first item is surprise supplies life

supported by a Bible quote. And the last item is a love of America and her flag end quote. I know this will be it'll like feel weird, but we should totally air an attack. Yes, I'm in. You had me at we should totally. So in conclusion, America's youngest mayor is an anti-abortion psyop meant to trick teenagers into fake doctor's offices so they can scare them out of medical care. Welcome to 2020, motherfuckers. Nobody's coming to save us scare them out of medical care. Welcome to 2020, motherfuckers.

Nobody's coming to save us. Tim Ryan. Tim Ryan. And in lubing the wheels of justice news tonight, when Cardinal Theodore McCarrick was defrocked amid rampant allegations of child sex abuse in 2018, a lot of people came out and said, yeah, good on you, Vatican. But here's a letter I sent to you warning about this shit in 2004 like a lot of people did that and that led many to ask why the vatican sat on those reports for so long i mean nobody on this show asked but people yeah right until now we've all kind of assumed that it was because the vatican has a standing policy of not giving a

fuck about which kids they did and didn't rape but it turns out there might have been more to it than that. According to financial records obtained by the scathing atheist via the investigative report about them in the Washington post. Okay. Sure. McCarrick had been using church money to pay off all his would be inquisitors for the better part of two decades. Oh,

Oh, Hey, but that's okay. He didn't use any of the money. Your sweet grandma who loves gay people puts in the box every sunday one second this just in yes he did and your grandma has more verifiable ties to child trafficking than prince andrew there you go yes that's right your grandmother murdered jeffrey epstein that's in the Washington Post. That's a real news source.

Your grandma murdered Jeffrey Epstein. You heard it here at the Scathing Atheist via the Washington Post. So apparently. And Andrew Torres. One of the perks of McGarrett's Post was sole discretion over a little known fund called the Archbishop's Special Fund, which he could raise money for, then spend on whatever the fuck he wanted. Nobody was checking. It was all tax-exempt.

And apparently, among the many things he elected to spend that free money on were large cash payments to all the higher-ups in the Vatican that decided whether or not to investigate him. Oh, not the victims? I thought you were going to say... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, including $90,000 sent to Pope John Paul II and $291,000 sent to Benedict.

Maybe those two are victims, too. We don't know. They're adults. It's different, but still. What I love here is that the best defense anyone can offer is, okay, but some of that money went to legitimate charities and shit. Your Honor, I will have you know I use this hatchet for a lot of non-murder stuff. Be reasonable.

That's it. That's the defense. This garrote was a piano string for many years. Why do you hate art, Your Honor? Why do you hate art? many years like why do you hate art why do you hate art and in genetic zootopia news we have a story about coach dave dobenmeier in his final performance of 2019 he fired up his extremely sad virtual reality empty stadium and did another episode of past the salt live his webcast which seems to be a christian positive show that's themed around all the clobber passages of the

bible yeah which is crazy because to look at him you'd think he was more of a fan of the bible he seems to think that the endorsements of you know rape slavery murder racial segregation those are christianity clobbering all the other world views because those are great and this latest episode focused on the idea that mixed race interactions of human beings are obviously evil, as proven by the zoo. Oh, no. What? No. Yeah. He went to the zoo recently and learned that.

The headline from Right Wing Watch pretty much tells the whole story. Quote, Dave Dobbedmire took his grandchildren to see the christmas display at the zoo last night and the trip reinforced his opposition to interracial marriage end quote okay look coach i thought harambe got a raw deal too but we have to move past it it's been four years coach it's been four years put your dick away too and here's what coach dave had to say translated as best i could given the very large dusty spittle covered patch of steel wool on his face that he has to speak through yeah quote you don't see eagles marrying buzzards, do you? I do not. You don't see it happening. No.

End quote. Yeah. Me neither. Me neither. No, I guess not. Apparently his local zoo does a Christmas display with, I don't know, eagles getting married to each other, but not buzzards. And like buzzards just drinking from their own separate water fountains next to the eagle wedding? I have no idea.

But that brings up the question, does he see bird marriages? Because I wouldn't say this about many people, but that would actually explain an awful lot. Oh, yes. Yeah, Coach Dave, I mean, as a human being, he is not well, Yeah, Coach Dave, I mean, as a human being, he is not well, but he is correctly describing the Bible's view on miscegenation. That's real. That's in the fucking book.

So the point is, American people, they're like Nazi mogwais in a lot of ways, and the Bible is like feeding them after midnight. And if Coach Dave ever takes a shower, I'm quite certain he'll magically explode into a pack of Coach Dave's. So, you know, friends don't let friends have Bibles. Yeah, is the message of our show. And finally tonight, in Buttigieg not lest ye be Buttigieg news tonight, America's second youngest and most adorable mayor gave away his secret theocratic agenda this week when he explained that he didn't know nothing about no secret mormon money but he's pretty

sure churches don't owe you shit wow super disappointing I was already not very excited about this guy's Christianity. This makes it even worse. So, yeah, obviously the GOP full of theocrats is terrifying, but Mayor Pete is a live-action example of just how insidious religion can be. He's a Harvard and Oxford-educated Rhodes scholar, a military veteran, and a gay person. And and he's like, yeah, they want to murder me technically in that book. But. End of my thought, I'm a Christian.

Yeah. And he's a highly intelligent person. Right. I mean, and look, I want to be fair to Mayor Pete here. He expressed the same opinion on this as every other candidate for president in like the nation's history would have if you'd pinned him down on it. So, you know, it's not, you know, it's not it doesn't make him an outlier or anything. Nope. No, he's right. Right in line with everybody else. So here's the backstory at a town hall in what appears to be a kindergarten basement this week. It's a weird video. Mayor Pete was asked by atheist activist Justin Scott

whether, in the light of recent revelations that the Mormon church was hiding $100 billion, his administration would require churches to fill out the same paperwork as other nonprofits, to which Pete responded, you guys ready for the Dave dobenmeier-esque answer he gave here quote so not being very familiar with the case that you're describing and supporting as i do the tax-exempt status of churches i would also say that anytime you have practices

whether they are political practices or profit-making practices or anything else that is outside of the realm of why that tax-protecting status exists, then it is very important that there be the right level of accountability, transparency, and responsibility, and compliance. Hey, you just said four words that basically mean the exact same thing here. Are you stalling? You're stalling. You're stalling while you find a way to say five minutes of nothing? Laws are many things. What the fuck are you talking

about? You're at 430 by the way. Is it what it is by any chance? You want to close it out with something real important and substantive yes continuing it is what it is please don't jump ahead of me continuing my quote weird segue into myself 445 by the way again real real quote and that will be an important part without any regard to any individual organization's beliefs of how enforcement works and the IRS

under my administration. Five, nailed it. Bing, bing, bing. Yeah. Right. So Justin followed up with a much nicer version of fucking what than I would have and specifically asked if Buttigieg would make churches fill out those forms, to which Pete responded in a startling moment of clarity quote i don't regard churches as being the same as other non-profits end quote yeah we can't be forced in churches to spend money on basic transparency paperwork they need that money to buy airplanes and holy water all right like i don't want to sound like the mayor pete apologist but of course he said that like a dude basically says hey man here's a live grenade would you like to wrap your presidential aspirations around it no boo i would like him to i would like hell yeah i would also

like him to so just a reminder because it's the new year and i haven't gotten to say this for weeks all churches are bad all of them even the one, and I haven't gotten to say this for weeks. All churches are bad. All of them. Even the one Mayor Pete doesn't go to. And with the obligatory, but I'll still enthusiastically support him if he wins the primary, tacked on at the end of that, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumaji.

And when we come back, we'll bring in the closers. Giuliani. Way back in 2019, we offered up insults to anybody willing to donate 50 bucks or more to our favorite charity, Modest Needs. And $300,000 worth he has said yes so in 2020 we're going to be making good on an awful lot of insults still which means it's time to welcome back our good friends for the purposes of this segment Tom and Cecil from the cognitive dissonance

podcast fellas are you ready to start the new year off with a verbal gangbang well we're more glory hole guys but sure yeah no problem okay all right switch it wait wait verbal gangbang I should

have skimmed the goddamn invite. Skimmed, rambled, what's the difference? And of course, joining me because they never left and Eli keeps writing in these intros, Eli and Heath. Yeah, we look like the mansplaining tab of Pornhub. It's an audio tab. So yeah, verbal gangbang.

Yeah, exactly. We're the only tab that punches a hole in the wall if you try to close it all right so now before we begin tonight i want to give another round of shout outs to those who just gave us money without asking us to do additional work in return so huge thanks to eric james linda jennifer mark tim robertson gene from vermont other james ray denny amy joe riannon, Derek, Tom, Lee, David, Shane, Diana, Eleanor, Rick, Kevin, who gave us $500 just for the fuck of it, and Steven. All right, let's get to it. Hi, Jeannie from Vermont. Oh, is it Jeannie? Jeannie's awesome. I'm sorry.

Yeah. All right. Heath, this first one's for you. Kevin would like a roast for the owner of Oberweiss Dairy and Illinois GO GOP state senator Jim Oberweiss. Wow. Good pick. Jim Oberweiss. You look like a preemie with Benjamin Button disease. Like a crack baby boomer. Except instead of white powder, your mom was addicted to white power.

You are gross. You look like Don Rickles described Don Rickles at a roast. All right. And Eli, Justin would like a roast for his mother-in-law, Linnea, I think is the pronunciation. Ooh, yeah. Linnea looks like the Faces of Meth poster for an American Girl doll. She looks like Dolly Parton is going to open up her pod and kill her with a flamethrower. She looks like someone messed up

Amy Sedaris' funeral makeup. Love Amy Sedaris. Alright, so Cecil, Kevin would like a roast for the online personality Sips. Oh, you mean Cheat Day Keanu Reeves starring in his plus size movie john thick

you're the only streamer who superimposes his head in the lower right screen and it's so huge it still blots out like 40 of the hud i'm glad i i watched this guy loudly narrate his thought process as he played portal 2 can you imagine this guy having sex? Of course you can't. He can't either. He can't either. Okay, Noah, this one's for you. Is Sinjin with like a roast for their incubator? Yeah. Yeah, email made it pretty clear that there's a lot of echoey silence around Mother's Day and the family.

Because in addition to looking like Barney Rubble snapped and wore Betty as a Buffalo Bill style skin suit. Jesus. She's also apparently a horrible bitch in every possible way. She's like Tara Westover's parents, but without the decency to catch on fire. But what can I possibly say that will summon up better than the fact that her own children define their worth by the degree to which they are not like her all right and uh tom christopher forked over 380 big ones or 380 little ones i guess making up a big one for you one of your signature burns of his shitty dad robert all right christopher your dad is not an enlightened centrist that's that's not a thing well i don't know maybe it's a thing but it's not a good thing you can't be enlightened and still

straddle the middle that's not enlightened that's cowardly but worse it's boring and it's very proudly branding yourself with your boring label enlightened centrist to wear your fucking cell phone on your belt enlightened centrist fuck you you're not even dying on the wrong hill you're dying in front of the hill mocking it for being there while being too afraid to climb the fucking thing here's my fucking challenge for you you enlightened centrist imagine for just one fantastic moment that you had a fucking spine that you bothered to believe even ever in one fucking thing just imagine that because that imagining is the closest you're ever going to get to feeling something you're just lowering yourself onto a hill all right uh another one for you, Eli. Michelle

would like a roast for her son, Carson. Oh, my. If ever there were a mascot for Evergreen State College, it's Carson. He looks like he stepped out of a children's television show about the dangers of the gold rush.

People near Carson long for the days of patchouli oils popularity and he is literally in this photo hugging a tree and i mean he is hugging that tree i'm just saying michelle i know you're his mom but if there was a hole in that tree there are other pictures from that day he has not shown you. All right, Cecil. Jonathan would like a roast of his brother, Justin. Oh, chubby guy that thinks baseball is the best sport and is a compulsive gambler?

Your brother's Pete Rose? Nah, he's not that good looking. Come on. Ironically, for a guy so against sex trafficking, he looks a lot like a young Prince Andrew. That's a little weird. So steer clear of private jets, Justin. Just steer clear of those.

Don't want to get on any of those. All right. So, Heath, Adam would like a roast of himself. Okay. Well, Adam asked for a roast of himself, and he did not send a picture. So I think we all know what that means. send a picture. So, I think we all know what that means. Just picture a person

whose Tinder pics are all shots of his collection of figurines on a shelf. And he didn't donate last year because apparently he hates half the poor people over the last two years. Thank you. All right, Noah,

you're up next. David would like a roast of his boss. oh yeah yeah okay rick is one of those assholes who's perpetually sure that her eyes aren't saying motherfucker i'll mace you if you put your arms around me again apparently and he also looks like her eyes are always fucking saying that like he looks like he gets that grab the hand off the shoulder and drop it in the picture thing from his mom. And if you want to know what he looks like, imagine that you just went to Chuck E. Cheese

with your whole family and you sit down and right next to you there's a dude dining alone. You're picturing Rick. You are. Yeah, that's good. Alright, so Tom, Elias gave us $300 for a roast of the NCAA because if anybody knows sports on this thing, it's good. All right, so Tom, Elias gave us $300 for a roast of the NCAA. Because if anybody knows sports on this thing, it's going to be Tom.

So can you hurt an entire nonprofit's feelings, Tom? I'm going to give it hell. This was a weird request to give to me, probably the person on our cast least familiar with college sports. Seriously, I had to Google NCAA because i thought it might be a basketball it turns out i guess this is like a whole thing with like 24 sports involved and i started for a minute to read an article about it but then i realized that i would rather hang myself alone in the goddamn garage than care about sports or worse college sports which seems a lot like caring about sports played by people who are nursing

hangovers acquired from red solo cups. Okay. I feel like I'm in on this roast. That's fine. But I do know some people really care a lot about these things. And to them, I say, you're wrong to care. You're wrong. I get it.

Maybe if you're still in college and you're trying to like fit in, you're away from home for the first time and you're lonely and you don't have a sense of your own personal identity. It makes sense for you to borrow the bullshit manufactured identity, your safe school already packaged up for you. Fine. But like once you're a goddamn grown up, if you don't have something like anything more fulfilling to do with your time than to paint your stupid face and scream at your flat screen. I'll offer this one piece of advice. Extension cords will hold your weight. Oh, God.

All right, just because you played right field in Little League, you don't need to just shit on your hands. All right, gents, next up, we got a round of special requests. These roasts quite literally have your name on them. paul and victoria would like a roast for their dog henry god damn it just not we're not doing by eli as melania oh whatever good settling that's it's fine i'm so confused

and i just gotta say henry is the cutest dog we've ever had to roast. This is a challenge. Just do the thing. Do the roast. Okay. Okay. All right. Oh, hey there, Henry.

Jule Greg. In my home country, we would juice your ears for juice. But I'm glad you live here in America. So unlike in my homeland, Jew and colorblind people get to live. Henry, I offer to make you a presidential dog. But I'm pretty sure Sarah Jacoby Sanders would eat you like a cheese plane. I love that voice. Mrs. Trump, you're supposed to roast a dog.

But you said you don't roast dogs here. It means say a mean thing. Oh, okay. Henry, you look like Shiloh's trophy husband. Well done. This could have been better. All right. Holy Father kicked us

$200 for you to insult the worst Manhattan thing. I've included a picture. This is the worst Manhattan they've ever had. This is gross. This does not deserve to be even called a Manhattan. This is downtown Chicago. This is a Staten Island iced tea at best. It is rough.

I think they got the ingredients right. Like kind of. I see rye, ver vermouth and bitters there but but instead of cherries it looks like a jar of i think cherry substitute powder like a non-dairy creamer thing like the dude making a manhattan white russian you know what let's call it a donald trump it looks like the bartender just got scolded by his mom and had to make this Manhattan like an angry child. Okay. All right.

Noah, one for you. Liam gave us 512 bucks for you to insult his cat, Michael. Oh, my God. This fat bastard looks like he's wearing a pumpkin. He does. Right? oh my god this fat bastard looks like he's wearing a pumpkin he does right like like if liam had just carved holes for the arms and legs and the head and the tail and shit and just stuffed this motherfucker into a gourd like peter peter pumpkin eater its general shape would make

sense yeah it's like it's like morris's little brother that started mainline in that shit when the nine lives money rolled in. Alright, Cecil, some weird guy named Lou, no idea who that is, would like a roast of Thanksgiving with the Cicerello family. Okay, well, it's a pretty easy job. I mean, two of them are already cremated, so the roast is half done. Oh, God!

Dust your hands off. Just dust your hands off, guys. Literally dust your hands off, because they are dust right now. So, yeah. Okay, Thanksgiving with my family. Okay. Used to go something like this. your hands off guys literally dust your hands off because they are dust right now so yeah okay thanksgiving my family okay used to go something like this oh hi dad yeah we're here on time you're not dressed oh you are dressed looks like you put on your whitest tighty whities it's the holiday after all so uh were you at my thanksgiving dad have another bottle of canadian club you needed to fuel your yelly fight later with mom so that's gonna be good you were at my Thanksgiving? Dad, have another bottle at Canadian Club. You need it to fuel your yelly fight later with mom.

So that's going to be good. You were at my Thanksgiving. Yeah, you know, your weird dog's been barking at me for four straight hours. I hope he jumps on the table mid-meal. That'd be great. Just pass the gravy around him. We'll just pass the gravy to each other around there. Merry Christmas, everybody.

All right, well, we're all amped up and ramped up, so it's time, I guess, for another Spikening Round. It booms better in the new year. Doesn't it? Yeah. So the category here is X-rated because this group of people are a bunch of fucks.

So, I'd like you to roast the following folks by telling us the title of their porno. Let's start with Christina's ex, Michael. Michael is a piece of shit who should get eaten by bears. What? Correct. Correct.

You're not doing. We're doing a spiting round. Sorry. Sorry. Had to be said. Okay. How about jerking off to me? Jerking off to me?

Jerking off. Doing it in a fun house. All right. How about Fox's ex, Kat? All right. I got this one. She looks like she's about to go to a party and pretend to be a Shakespeare scholar.

And that's not great because Eli also looks like and is that. Her porno is obviously two girls, one couplet. Amazing. All right. How about Melissa's ex, Tim? Okay.

So from what I read, Tim is the kind of guy who tells ridiculous lies that can't possibly be true. So his porno. Let's see. Something about Tim that can't possibly be true so his porno let's see something about tim that can't possibly true how about orgasms by tim or tim's totally normal penis all right and i'll take uh jen's ex-husband toby how about baby got back child support also on a personal note, fuck you, Toby. Just fuck you, man. How about Laura's ex Armando? Okay, let me do this one. So

this guy abandoned Laura the day she got surgery on both feet. So take this foot job and shove it, I guess. But after reading further, I'm going to go with sex traffic jam to prison pedos. You know why. All all right gents bonus round

we're still working with exes but in the spirit of leaving behind old habits i'd like to hear what the roasty in questions new year's resolution is and let's start with ashley's ex-friend casey all right uh casey's resolution is to cut back on the carrots that she's constantly gnawing on with her aggressive front tooth over. It's crazy. She also wants to cut back on being a rabbit. This is a rabbit turned into a person by magic. The front teeth are enormous. It's nuts.

She looks like she's doing crowd control in riot gear with two shields that she always has. I don't know. Maybe join a phalanx. Right? You'd be perfect. You'd be all set. You'd have two spears. All right.

Eli, how about Lauren's ex-husband, Andrew? Oh, this one's easy. Andrew's New Year's resolution is to make it all the way through his new wife's writing without gouging out an eye. And let me tell you, based on his behind-the-music shaggy-do-looking face, and the fact that I tried it, and it is impossible, I do not think he'll

manage. Why would you do that to me, Lauren? Why would you send me a sample of that woman's writing? I think about it all the time. I had a kidney stone this week, and it was the second worst thing that happened to me. All right. How about, oh, this one needs to happen.

How about ex-Australian rugby player Israel Falo? Okay. Fuck that guy. Awesome pick. As an anti-gay pastor, I'll pay a lot less attention to sweaty guys playing with balls for money and a lot more attention to sweaty guys playing with balls for money and a lot more attention to sweaty guys playing with balls for pleasure.

Oh, you went honest with it. I love it. Alright, I'll take Catherine's ex-boyfriend, Jeff. Oh, God, I had so many things that Andrew crossed off, Catherine, on this. Based on what you told me in the email, there was so much stuff that Andrew said I cannot say about an attorney

that works for the FBI. So instead I went with him resolving to wear a tie without looking like his mom made him, but just so you know, I want to go way worse. Alright, Tom, why don't you wrap up this spiky round with Michael's ex, Tammy.

Okay, Tammy. Fuck, I can't imagine what your resolution would be. There is so much of you to fix. Seriously, actually, nothing is salvageable. There's nothing salvageable. Maybe Tammy's resolution should be electroshock therapy to forget being Tammy. Eternal sunshine yourself.

Just get rid of the whole thing clean slate or perhaps tammy should resolve to stare every day into a mirror and fucking think about what she's done because at some point you just can't bury your head in the sand about who you are anymore though that would be an improvement for tammy because she dysphix right. Okay, so this last group of donors shelled out the big bucks, so let's give them the VIP treatment. First up, Cindy gave us $1,100 to roast abusers of the English language.

Fanfuckingtastic pick. Yeah, I don't know if she meant Eli specifically, but let's just, we're going to go with the concept in general, just in case. You're like, my use of Temesis just now with fanfuckingtastic. Anyway, and by the way, way yes she literally meant eli directly okay the email specifically mentions

your and your lose and loose and it's and oh wow and also people who make plurals and rhyme with schmoznik it's about you all right i'll go first i'm gonna let a lot of you guys just fill in here a lot V.S. and rhyme with schmoznik. It's about you. Alright, I'll go first. I'm going to let a lot of you guys just fill in here. You guys are a lot smarter when it comes to this stuff, but I will say I hope subordinate clause brought you all punctuation for Christmas.

Alright, well, I personally could care less about the misuse of phrases. Literally. Because, fuck, people, language and the fact that we don't have to be told not to eat cardboard is what separates us from the fucking animals. And when you misuse

loose to mean lose and fucking say, you might as well be chewing on the side of a fucking box. Okay? Alright, I would like to say... Oh, good, yeah, go right ahead, Eli. Thank you. Your turn. I would like to say. Oh, good. Yeah, go right ahead, Eli. Go. Thank you.

Your turn. I would like to join. Let's get you in there. You're going to roast on this part? Don't skip this one. Not going to lie. Eli's just punching himself in the face. I can participate in this.

I would like to say, fuck the people who act like the reason they don't know what a comma is, is because language is transformative. Yes, bell hooks you're captain hook and strunken white is your crocodile i love that he misspelled strunken white oh god i googled it and i clicked on it out of curiosity god i prayed for death it was like try not to blab at a pip. Okay. Just for the record, Eli couldn't avoid saying what a comma is is just now, first of all. Also, it's

strunk and white, not struck and white. And speaking of style guides, use the goddamn Oxford comma. So, most of those style guides agree, especially for American English. And even if they didn't, like some of the British guides agree, especially for American English. And even if they didn't, like some of the British guides, it's objectively a better system. Strunk in White, the Chicago Manual of Style, and the MLA Handbook have all recommended the Oxford comma since they

started their publications as early as 1906. You've had plenty of time to adjust to this if you were from the 1800s. Also, the U.S. government printing office, the American Psychological Association, and the American Medical Association say the same thing. Those are doctors. People could fucking die if you leave out the Oxford comma.

The lack of an Oxford comma in a legal contract cost a dairy company in Maine $5 million because it made a sentence ambiguous in that contract. Lives and milk are at stake, people. What the fuck? And use the other commas correctly too. A guy once got hanged because of a comma dispute. Get it right. And more generally, I'm calling for a full boycott on all the dating apps if you see someone mangling the language in any way, especially in their bio. They should not be breeding.

Let's make the world a better place. Good lord. Fuck. Look, I get it, though. The English language is hard. It is. It's confusing. It's full of complicated, contradictory idioms.

We can't figure out if we need commas that we very clearly need. So I get that maybe learning English as a second language is fraught with problems and pitfalls. But if English is your first language, that almost certainly means that it is also very likely your only language. And if you can't be bothered to become proficient in using the one tool that you need to communicate to be truly known, then maybe, just maybe, it's not that nobody loves you. It's just that you are so inept at being known that you are unworthy of love.

Good lord. All right. Awesome. Well done, everybody. Next up, J.D. would like Tom and Cecil to roast Trump's newly funded Space Force. Space Force. This is weird because we used to have a Space Force. We canceled it,

but it's nice that we finally have a new challenger. Look, man. I am all for the Space Force if Lieutenant Bigley General Trump sinks his bone spurs into the side of a rocket like Major Kong from Doctor Strange. It'd be good to shift our attention to a different vacuum. The vacuum of space instead of just

watching Trump suck down hamburgers like a cartoon elephant. Alright, how about an all-in roast on behalf of Liam for Turfs? Fuck Harry Potter. Seriously, fuck Harry Potter. And fuck J.K. Rowling. You wrote one

of the most beloved series of books of all time, all about the perils of bigotry towards an oppressed minority, and now you're retweeting bigots who want a bathroom bill for Hogwarts? Are you serious? Fuck is wrong with you?

So, what's the word for people who retweet bigots? Oh, unoriginal bigots. That's right. And by the way, the name of the win is a better magical universe. They're all better magically. It's a great magical universe. Yeah, TERFs are like the Christian movie guest stars of social justice. You're just like, oh, no, really?

Dave Chappelle, too? stars of social justice you're just like oh no really dave chappelle too oh why didn't you use any of all your money to google the difference between sex and gender dave oh yeah and look i know you don't like the term turfs but since you're not arguing with any of the words that those letters stand for fuck you right, right? Maybe the S in the pluralization. If anything, the R, right? We're not very good at it. Fuck you. You're lucky to have your own

subcategory of trans folks. But if TERF doesn't work, we could just substitute out bigot when we talk about you. Perfect. Good system. TERFs. Yeah, sure yeah sure exclude everyone from your weird oppression olympics i mean it's like we're in a room where everything is on the top shelf and there's a group of short people arguing who can reach less stuff instead of just accepting a boost

it's like every other turf war no one gains any ground. Amen, brother. Jesus. You know, sometimes I find it useful in these situations to just go ahead and summarize what's happening for clarity. So if I'm understanding right, TERFs are women who, as feminists, don't believe that their biology should automatically define their place in the social order. But then when it comes to trans people, they believe that their biology should define their social order. I mean, not feminists. How do I roast this more deeply than just saying it out loud? Yeah, right. Right. And before we close this out for the night,

we've got a request so special we had to slightly change audio signatures to make it happen. This one's for Heath. Natural segue. N one's for Heath. Natural segue. Nailing it. Okay. Okay. This is a request from Bailey for me to roast Casey.

Just a reminder. We met Bailey and Casey a few years ago at a show in Chicago while Bailey was busy drinking the city of Chicago. Oh, right. Yeah, so. That's just a reminder for Bailey. That's how we originally know you. You probably don't remember that. But the request is a roast of Casey from him.

So Casey looks like a Disney Channel themed stripper, which is complicated. Leads to some very complicated emotions for lots of people. It's that like, you know, you grew up on Samantha Maselli on Who's the Boss thing or like Hannah Montana. Now, Miley Cyrus, like you're allowed to sort of find the adult version, but she's got the Disney thing going. It's very complicated, but it is not complicated for Bailey. going it's very complicated but it is not complicated for bailey and that's why he's asked me to live out my deepest fear and uh i'm getting down on one knee as i say this and i hurt myself a little bit but here it goes will you casey marry bailey that this isn't a bit this is this is

a real thing we we think but as far as we know 99 sure seriously according to bailey casey is the absolute best and he has loved every minute over the last seven years together with Casey. And he seriously wants you to marry him, I think. You guys think she said yes? Ooh, I mean, I hope she did. It's going to be super awkward if she said no. Yeah, super. Before we lay this episode down to sleep,

I want to remind you to come out and see us in L.A. on Valentine's Day weekend for a live record of Godawful Movies. Check the show notes for a link to buy tickets and buy them quick. They will sell out. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show,

The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, and even a new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath Enright for being the rudder on this ship, Lucinda Lusions for being the wind in its sails, and Eli Bosnick for being the backup gas-powered propulsion option. I also want to thank Dippin.Jack and his

sisters for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Gotta admit, I'm not a parent. I don't speak kid. I have no idea what they're saying at the end there, but it was fucking adorable, so I used it. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best people. Corey, Kyle, Eric, Dean, Alex, Bruno, Rettelini was really good, and Dyer, John, Yvette, Bill, Brandy, Karen, John, Melanie, Nicholas, Rose, and Spencer. Corey, Kyle, Eric, and Dean, whose condoms have two-person lift warning signs on the package. Alex, Bruno, John, Melanie, Nicholas, Rose, and Spencer. Corey, Kyle, Eric, and Dean, whose condoms have two-person lift warning signs on the package. Alex, Bruno, John, and Yvette, whose IQs are so high

their ideas get elevation sickness. Bill, Brandy, Karen, and John were so skillful they're allowed to run with scissors. And Melanie, Nicholas, Rose, and Spencer, who are so badass tornadoes have them warnings. Together, these 16 savory sinners selflessly supported our sacrilegious screeds this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the firm

will, soft heart, and medium spleen it takes to give us money, but if your internal organs are up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. Legal services for this podcast

are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll hilarious and the most most Heath thing that ever happened, somebody had put in a request for Heath to do a proposal for their girlfriend. I'll get to it. And he forgot to fucking do it. That's the most Heath thing that ever fucking happened. It's in the mail. Shut up. So just leave a blank space here.

We'll record that separately on Wednesday and send that over. But we do have a little outro that we're going to do with it right now while we've still got everybody here. It'd be better if he had to propose over the phone. That'd be the only other way. Yeah, right. That'd be awesome. How much are you betting? Oh, that's just an expression.

One Bitcoin. One bet. One bet. That's a large bet. That's what I was going to say. Even after it's tanked over the last year or so. One bet unit. Actually, over this year

it's done okay because it tanked the end of last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over 2019. Oh, okay. I thought you were going like 2020. Actually, it's been killing it. It's pretty much in place. I think at the end of 2018, it got down in like the $3,000, $4,000 range. Now it's up much in place but i think at the end of 2018 it got down in like the three thousand four thousand dollar range now it's up to like seven thousand ish

i think something like that yeah what else are you gonna buy child porn with iota no come on all right andrew sapito you sent me that mor me that Morgan not with the Andrew Zepeda Andrew would you say if that's in our thing at the end of every episode I'm in the preceding podcast was brought to you by Puzzle and Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020

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