The Scathing Atheist - 360: Through a Glass Clearly Edition

Episode Date: January 9, 2020

In this week’s episode, the Methodist Church finally gets around to reading the Bible, Heath heavily considers converting to Christianity for the flying, and we’ll learn that schisms just ain’t what they used to be. --- See us live in LA! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-la-tickets-86927786349 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: United Methodist Church to split over gay marriage: https://religionnews.com/2020/01/03/leaders-announce-plan-to-split-united-methodist-church-over-lgbtq-ordination-marriage/ Palm Reader Allegedly Ripped Off Victim By Saying Her Daughter Was Possessed: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/04/palm-reader-allegedly-ripped-off-victim-by-saying-her-daughter-was-possessed/ Delaware GOP Leaders Under Fire After Homophobic, Anti-Semitic Comments: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/04/delaware-gop-leaders-under-fire-after-homophobic-anti-semitic-comments/ Dennis Prager on Anne Frank: “I Don’t Get My Wisdom from Teenagers”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/01/dennis-prager-on-anne-frank-i-dont-get-my-wisdom-from-teenagers/ In Defiance of Science, GA Lawmaker Aims to Make Trans Healthcare for Kids a Felony: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/03/in-defiance-of-science-ga-lawmaker-aims-to-make-trans-healthcare-for-kids-a-felony/ Ethical Veganism Given Same Protections As Religious Beliefs in UK: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/04/ethical-veganism-given-same-protections-as-religious-beliefs-in-u-k/ Steve Anderson: AU wildfires are god’s revenge for not letting Steve Anderson in their country: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2020/01/arizona-pastor-gods-judgement-responsible-for-australian-wildfires/ Christian Minister: A Boy at My Youth Camp Literally Flew Through the Air: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/01/christian-minister-a-boy-at-my-youth-camp-literally-flew-through-the-air-2/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Mansplain Con 2020: https://nypost.com/2020/01/02/mansplaining-conference-hopes-to-make-women-great-again/ Delaware man throws bomb at Planned Parenthood: https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/06/us/planned-parenthood-delaware-incendiary-device/ PP performs record number of abortions: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/08/planned-parenthood-performed-a-record-number-of-abortions-despite-gop-sabotage/

Warning, this episode contains material that may not be suitable for children. Seriously, we're going to be quoting the Bible in this one. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HIMSS, Honey, Stamps.com, and by the fact that you'll always have made more money than cats. You'll always have made more money than cats. It's a little bit better. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Good news, everyone! You're listening to one of the only podcasts to serenade you with a heathen right behind the mic, growling the day of the week over the emanations of Martian giraffes. You have excellent taste. Oh, and we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's January 9th. And it's National Word Nerd Day. Ooh, may all your crosswords end in Nicodonia.

I'm Noah Lusens. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Grover, Cleveland, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the Methodist Church finally gets around to reading the Bible. Heath heavily considers converting to Christianity for the flying. And we'll learn that schisms just ain't what they used to be.

But first, the diatribe. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul says that he sees God through a glass darkly, which is a pretty weird turn of phrase to the modern year but it made a hell of a lot more sense when he said it saying that back in the 0050s would be a lot like saying that you saw god through a funhouse mirror today see glass has been around pretty much forever our earliest archaeological records show that it was already being made in and around egypt in 3500 bce but for most of its history glass was by necessity imperfect right the colorless fully transparent glass that you think of its history, glass was by necessity imperfect. The colorless, fully transparent glass that you think of when I say glass today, that wasn't invented until the

15th century. A Venetian dude named Angelo Barovir gets credit for that, for what he called cristallo. But in truth, it's hard to pin down to like one inventor, right? Venice had been the glassmaking capital of Europe for centuries by then. And generations of venetian glassblowers had been slowly moving towards that perfected form for a long time and look a solid argument can be made that this represents the single most important invention in human history usually that honor goes to something like the printing press or fire or computers or something but it is hard to overstate what a world changer clear glass really was. It allowed for the perfection of lenses. So everything we ever found using a telescope or a microscope owes its

discovery to transparent glass right there. We've revolutionized astronomy and biology, but clear glasses just getting warmed up, right? Like some form of eyeglasses had existed for a couple of hundred years by then, but they only provided distorted and imperfect views. They were hard to use. Once you have fully transparent glass, you can make spectacles that maintain perfect fidelity. That meant scholars could continue to read into their old age.

I mean, as a guy in his mid-40s, I can tell you that is not the case in nature. Right? So before, you basically had a time limit on your academic studies. You get to be my age or a little older and you have to stop reading. You know, maybe you could talk a young person into reading stuff to you, but obviously that's a subpar solution. But toss in modern eyeglasses and suddenly people can learn more. Like the sum total of information that can be taken in through one's lifetime is higher. Clear glass literally allowed us as a species to become wiser.

Beyond that, the increasing ubiquity of glass allows people to do shit that requires daylight indoors under natural light. I mean, think about all the scientific experiments and shit that would be impossible to do under firelight or in the near dark. But wait, there's more. I know this is going to seem like a bit of a stretch, but clear glass also allows us to make mirrors that don't cloud the image or add any distortion, right? Like silver-backed mirrors change the way we perceive ourselves and did so all but universally. When silver-backed mirrors show up in a society, you see a consistent trend towards individuality. You can actually measure it in increasing awareness of fashion. Hell, many historians have postulated that the introduction of modern mirrors is a direct cause for the rise of psychology as a science.

Now, back when Paul was writing his epistles, the idea of looking through a glass and not seeing a distorted image was unthinkable. So when he says he sees through a glass, whether or not it's darkly, he's saying he's seeing an imperfect image. Adding the darkly is really just there to emphasize that fact. He's saying, I see a vague outline and I'm inferring the rest. But unlike the rest of the things in the universe, God never came into focus even when we cleaned up the glass. Right? Back in Paul's day, we saw everything through a glass darkly. The semi-mystical ramblings that passed for science back then were looking at the whole goddamn world through that same imperfect glass.

But thanks to some dedicated motherfuckers in Venice, over time, we learned to see further, deeper, and clearer. We learned how to see the invisible. Paul saw through a glass darkly because he had no choice. What's the modern Christian's excuse? They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the life and liberty to my pursuit of happiness, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, how does it feel to be unalienable? It's pretty self-evident, I guess I feel. Hey, you can always buy Heath an ale, Noah. Don't be so hard on yourself. What? All right, while I try to sort that joke out, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this ale, Noah. Don't be so hard on yourself. What? All right. Well, I try to sort that joke out. We're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Hymns. Unalable.

Oh. It's better when you read it. No. Is it? I'm reading it. Hey, Heath, what are you doing? Oh, this is my New Year's resolution. Your New Year's resolution is to dig some holes?

No, no. My New Year's resolution is that I'm going to find... You know, science shows that when you make a New Year's... No, I'm getting science out of this game! Nobody cares what science says. Boo! Anyway, my New Year's resolution is to find buried treasure. So what about you, Eli?

Oh, I'm going to stop losing my hair. Oh, really? How are you going to do that? 4hims.com. What's 4hims.com? 4hims.com is a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. You're getting hair pills from a website? Dude, you're going to turn blue at best.

With most websites, that might be true, Heath. But with 4hims.com, you get prescription solutions backed by science. Eli, you need to see a doctor to get a prescription. That's true. 4hims.com connects you to real doctors online, which could save you hours. Plus, it's completely confidential and discreet. That sounds easier than digging. That's good. All right. How do I try? Well, you can dive into 2020 hair first. Right now, our listeners get started with their first month free. Go to 4hims.com slash scathing. That's 4hims.com slash scathing.

Prescription requires an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Offer valid only if prescribed. Three-month minimum subscription. Additional restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember, that's 4hims.com slash scathing. Plus, you're digging in the sandbox at the park. Boo, nerd.

Boo, boo. No, no, that's fair. That's fair. That's fair. That's what I'm doing. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the centuries-old project of perpetually splitting the Protestant wing of Christianity until each person has their own denomination continued this week when we learned that the United Methodist Church, the second largest Protestant denomination in the U.S., is about to become smaller than that,

thanks to their inability to agree on which vulnerable and underprivileged minorities God hates. Ah, yeah. Wow. They literally had a meeting about ranking the minorities. Yep. That happened. Yeah. And they landed at an impact they couldn't figure out. I get it. Heath and I got stuck on ranking the Nordic peoples. We were up to like four in the morning. All right, moving on. All right. So, okay.

So this has been brewing for a while now as more progressive churches started inching towards morality by gasp ordaining gay people and double gasp performing marriages for them. It really came to a boil at a special session of the United Methodist General Conference last year with the approval of the traditional plan, which would formally bar LGBT clergy and ban gay marriages in UMC churches. And I should point out that, like, nobody was proposing a rule where the churches would have had to perform gay marriage, right? The proposal was that the individual churches could decide for themselves and that was too much for the majority of methodists yeah so there were people making the federalism argument for slavery built into this argument and methodists landed to the right of

that politically it's almost impressive right okay my favorite part of this has been the so-called, like, woke good Methodists who've had to pretend for the last however many months that they never read the homophobic parts of the Bible. Right, right. It says, what? Crazy. No. Or met the majority of Methodists. Right. They said, what?

Crazy. No. Everybody has to have slavery we're not doing state by state no all right well since then there's been a lot of noise about a schism several umc churches have left the fold and become independent but that's not financially viable for most churches because even with no production costs or taxes churches don't serve enough of a function to stay afloat without a big-ass multinational conglomeration funneling money down to them and it looks like they may have found a proposal that everyone can agree on and they're calling it the quote protocol of reconciliation and grace through separation and where do we keep our grace? Good question.

It's right here in this separate but equal doctrine. Yes, right. Yep. Also not really equal. Well, separate. Separate. That's like saying you found a way to make your marriage work by getting divorced. So basically, it would split the existing church into the UMC and the traditional read bigoted UMC. The new special bigot version would be seated with $25 million over four years because, sure, progressive Methodists don't care for bigotry, but not so much that they aren't willing to pay tens of millions of dollars to support it.

Well, you know, they've been doing it for a while. Why change now? Right. Yes, exactly. Great job, guys. Get woke. And in palms for the poor news tonight, if you wouldn't let your mom

or grandma play three card money or the three shell game once a month, then you should stop them from seeing your local palm reader or psychic. And we got a stark reminder of that this month when so called psychic Tracy Milanovic was arrested and charged with larceny and intimidation of a witness in Somerset, Massachusetts. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so if you need a quick method for telling which palm readers are harmless and which are dangerous charlatans, put a mirror under their nose. Yeah, that's a good test. And you will be looking at the nostrils of a dead or alive charlatan yeah right the dead ones are harmless but yes some would say helpful it depends on what you're i don't want to get into it anyways so quick reminder here's how palm readers don't make their money five dollar palm readings yep here's how they do make their money they offer that five dollar low price first reading to the general public, who they then survey for marks because it's a scam.

Then when they find someone they think will be vulnerable to their scam, someone old or someone who's lost a loved one or someone who's mentally ill, they tell that person that something is wrong with them and offer to fix it for the low, low price of however much money they can get out of them. Yep. But I mean, at least you get a hand massage. Churches do the exact same thing, but with nothing. You get nothing.

That is fair. Right. So Milanovic followed this formula. And according to the Somerset Police Department, quote, convinced the victim that her daughter was possessed by a demon and that cash and household items were needed in order to banish the spirit from her daughter was possessed by a demon and that cash and household items were needed in order to banish the spirit from her daughter. And look, I get how shocking it is for most people to hear

that yet another person fell for the your money is haunted, you better give it to me trick. But if we have learned anything in the last three fucking years, it's that those people comprise approximately 39% of the population with a margin of error of plus or minus 2%. Yeah, and palm readers don't suddenly matter once every four years. So the police department continued saying, quote, Milanovic was found to have stolen approximately $71,000 from the victim,

and the victim additionally purchased multiple household items for her like towels and bedding end quote what i'm not gonna lie i want to hear that pitch you know i was trying to exercise your daughter the other morning but my towels are so scratchy i was just distracted also this bed71,000 cash is kind of scratchy, too. Go get me some new sheets. So, yeah, as easy and fun as it is for us to poke fun at the snake-handling Christians, again, for the cheap seats, no religion is true, no woo is real, and at worst, you are setting yourself up for a very expensive and very dangerous scam

and in pan frank news tonight right wing commentator and founder of prager university but only because the word university isn't legally protected dennis prager held a fireside chat on facebook this week to answer viewer questions from his vast audience of boomers. All right. First question is from listener Donald. It says, which input is the VCR and which input is the cable? It's all in caps again. Okay.

Donald, we just answered that. We need other questions. I'm flipping through. It's a lot of this. Okay. So one of the questions was in response to an op-ed penned by Prager earlier in the year in the Jerusalem Post titled, What Have Jews Learned from the Holocaust? Not Much, in which Prager claimed that, quote, at any time in history, the belief that people

are basically good was irrational and naive. To believe it after the Holocaust is beyond irrational and naive and naive it is stupid dangerous and inexcusable yet most american jews i cannot speak for israeli jews believe people are basically good end quote yeah no the citation on that just said c byline right so the question was given that only idiots and assholes think people are basically good what did dennis prager think of anne frank who was literally experiencing the holocaust while she wrote now famous opinion that people are really good at heart the answer of course from from Dennis Prager, the full-grown adult, was, Fuck Anne Frank! So, it wasn't quite that indelicate. Here's Prager's actual response.

Quote, I know she wrote that, and my answer is, it doesn't matter that she wrote it. I don't get my wisdom from teenagers. Well, no, that is true. There is a long list of places where he does not get wisdom and people with ages are on that list yeah that's right i get my wisdom from prager you here's a brochure showing a photo of our very diverse range of neckbeards in the student body check it out he continues quote

that she was a wonderful young woman and wrote an unbelievably powerful document that will last forever is besides the point i don't expect 16 year olds unless they grew up in a religious jewish or christian home she was a secular jew most kids believe that but it is not true but it has never been an issue with me well you disagree with anne frank so what end quote not adding shit i'm on the same side as the nazis again why does this keep happening i love how he inadvertently admitted that if she'd grown up religious she would know people are mostly assholes indeed she would also the little mini argument with himself it's a hell of a quote final note here the most upsetting part of the video is that dennis brager has an adorable

bulldog named otto and that is fucking bullshit assholes should not get pets pets are for human beings capable of kindness and compassion even their orange man understands not to get a dog. Unacceptable. All right. Well, clearly, Eli needs a minute. So we're going to take a break for a word from our second sponsor this week. Honey. Free auto.

Alone with my Oculus Quest at last. Hey, Noah. Sorry to bother you. Is this a good price for Q-tips online? Um, it looks fine. Cool. Thanks. Hey, Noah, one other thing.

Is this a good price for Post-it notes? Guys, why are you asking me? Try Honey. Okay. Honey, is this a good price for Post-it notes? Honey is the free online shopping tool that automatically finds the best promo codes and applies them to your cart. Oh, yeah. I actually used Honey on my Christmas shopping this year.

Saved a ton, and it was super easy to know if I got the best price whenever I shopped before I checked out. Exactly. In fact, Honey has found its over 18 million members over $2 billion in savings. That's a lot of Post-it notes, Bay. It sure is. Using Honey feels pretty great. Think of it as a little daily victory. Plus, it's free to use and it installs in just a few seconds.

Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. You'll be saving money and supporting the advertisers who support our show. Now, can I please use my Oculus in peace? Okay. I mean, I guess I can find a good price for tissues from Honey. Oh, can I please use my Oculus in peace? Okay. I mean, I guess I can find a good price for tissues from honey. Oh, no, that

I have memorized by now. Okay. Because of the Oculus. Yeah, no, we get it. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This week in Massage.

Massage. I swear, I can't take time off anymore. I leave you guys in charge for two fucking weeks. And when I get back, my inbox is filled with stories about a Make Women Great Again conference in Florida. And I'm starting to think you guys let that happen just so that I wouldn't take another week off. So yeah, MansplainingCon2020 is coming to Orlando from the people that brought us Going to the Mall in Sweatpants and promises to teach women how to lose weight, land a husband, make babies, and avoid, quote, toxic bullying feminist dogma, end quote. See, according to their website, the problem with women these days is the feminists are teaching them to be like men.

And if these assholes were a representative sample, I can see why that would be a problem. And if you want tickets to this all-male speaker lineup, you better act fast. Quick before they cancel it due to lack of interest. Tickets are only $1,999. But if you buy them now, they'll give you a 50% discount. Because the price is like their cocks, about half as big as they said it would be. Unless I make it sound like sexism is more stupid than deadly, I should also mention the guy in Delaware that was arrested for throwing an

incendiary device at a Planned Parenthood. 18-year-old Samuel James Gulick was charged with intentionally damaging a building that provides reproductive health services and maliciously damaging a building used in interstate commerce through the use of fire or destructive device because Delaware has really specific laws. And apparently he was also charged with possession of an unregistered destructive device about five days earlier when he was caught with an IED outside a different Planned Parenthood. Now, luckily for everyone involved, he's all kinds of stupid. First of all, he spray painted a slogan on the side of the building before he threw the bomb in full view of their security cameras. On top of that, the bomb pretty much put itself out when it exploded, so there was minimal damage

and nobody was hurt. But there's only so long we can count on their stupidity saving our asses. And look, it's not like the anti-abortion folks don't already know this is a byproduct of their rhetoric. Sure, this was the act of one single person, but everybody who has ever implied that abortion is murder shares in some of the blame. And they'll still share in it when the next idiot is successful and manages to actually kill people. But speaking of Planned Parenthood, I actually do have a little bit of good news to close on.

According to Planned Parenthood's annual report, over the last couple of years, they performed a record number of abortions, up 4% from the previous two-year period. And look, I get nobody is rooting for more abortions, right? Like even the most ardent pro-choice advocates don't measure their success in the number of terminated fetuses. But given the draconian bullshit the GOP is doing to restrict access, it's a damn good sign to see

that the number is still on the rise. And it also means more snacks at the next American Atheist Convention. And on that brief glimmer of good news, I'll wrap things up and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines, trans people is the subject of this sentence. Anna? What are the guys talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out. That's right. Trans people exist, and Georgia lawmakers are panicking, especially because trans people are sometimes existing in the time dimension as children. And according to the data, just assume we played a little jingle again. According to the data, when trans kids are provided with health care, like puberty blockers, for example, it leads to better health outcomes. Also, according to common fucking sense, health care causes better health outcomes.

That's how words work. And by better outcomes, I mean not death in many cases. But regardless of that, Republican State Representative Ginny Earhart is planning to introduce a new bill that would make it a felony for doctors to provide this type of care and without any hat tip to george orwell because that's a fancy reading book the proposed legislation is called the vulnerable child protection act because go fuck yourself yeah well look i i don't mean to defend this woman at all i am sure this is actually motivated by bigotry but to be fair we should point out that georgia republicans have a long and storied history of protecting children from health care regardless

of their gender expression that's true they're just diving in front of a z-pack like the bodyguard yeah so for lack of a better word here's the reasoning we got from jenny erhart who looks like the grinch who stole forehead my god she does so according to erhart kids in georgia are being forced to become trans. Forced. Which kids are that? Go fuck yourself. Apparently parents are creating a secret trans army by forcing their kids to get surgery, puberty blockers, and hormone therapy.

So, first of all, nope, no. The parents of Georgia are not carrying out a radical forced transition campaign. Or in the exact words of Ginny Earhart, quote, Children are being subjected to life-altering, irreversible surgeries and drug treatments that render them sterile and permanently disfigured. This sterilization and castration of children has no place in civil society i'm an elected representative end quote all right well like look this is all complete

fucking bullshit but you know if altering the generals of children and irreversible ways without their consent pisses you off i do have some ideas where you might want to look fuck yeah i was furious as i was reading through this so just a couple quick clarifications just in case anyone wasn't clear on this trans health care for kids does not involve surgery it does involve puberty blockers sometimes which is something that's also used for cisgender kids sometimes as well. And that is reversible. And for people freaking out about surgery, this actually prevents the need for surgery in the future. Not that it's any of your goddamn business what people choose with their doctor. Right. Also worth pointing out, not giving trans kids hormones is a decision for your trans kid, a very specific decision for them to go

through puberty as a sex they don't identify with. And if you don't get why that's a bad thing, imagine if you woke up tomorrow with tits or a beard. Okay. Well, I do that all the time, but all right. So as long as we're coming up with things that need to be felonies it seems like introducing a bill that would criminalize evidence-based medicine would be a great new addition to the list of felonies seriously this woman should go to jail and herself should have a trans-only bathroom policy two votes and in let the lawsuits begin news tonight the days of mocking my soy nuggets i love this story so much the days of mocking my soy nuggets and textured beetroot jerky are over no they're not not just because he's about to become a vegan no what because for the first time

a uk tribunal has ruled that ethical veganism deserves the same protections under anti-discrimination laws as religious beliefs. Because it is a philosophical system. That's right, bitches. You're going to jail. Just Eli standing by himself in front of his vegan wedding cake shop. You can't have any murderer. He doesn't care't he doesn't care i did not think this through i thought that would be more impactful to those people

they really don't care one second i had some of my own cake did you just eat some of your cake no that was that was a handful of kitty litter never. So the case where this came up isn't actually about veganism. A guy got fired. His company says it's because he sucks. He says it's because he objected to how his pension fund was being invested in companies that test products on animals. And that case has yet to be decided. However, during the course of the tribunal, the judge, a hero, made the broader ruling that I get to sue noah and heath for a million million dollars early okay okay i would point out that we're not uk citizens but i'm keeping my options open until

november 4th i don't want to declare a country smart smart and what you asked dear listener will i do with my time now that my rights as a vegan have been restored in the second best English speaking country? Vegan Kim Davis. Vegan Kim Davis. Exactly. Think about it. Butchers, waiters, steak testing. There are a million jobs I can refuse to do on these grounds.

I am going to be so rich. So rich. Well, yeah. Plus, you do already look like somebody put clothes on a bell rug and you want to hold hands with Mike Huck am going to be so rich. So rich. Well, yeah. Plus, you do already look like somebody put clothes on a bell rug and you want to hold hands with Mike Huckabee. Tough but fair.

Tough but fair. No illusions. And in one man band news tonight, as you're likely aware, Fire got jealous of Ice and decided it wanted its own continent too. So it picked Australia.

And there are already plenty of an area the size of x has already been burned comparisons out there so i thought maybe this would be a better way to get your head around how fucking bad this is at the time of this recording those bushfires have taken out about one in every 160 acres of that continent more than half a percent of a fucking continent has burned down yep and as usual with a giant environmental disaster christian leaders were like yep way too much gay sex down there in australia wait fuck was was a bunch of that us with kids yeah right uh there's a dedicated royal commission how dedicated our biggest guy well there's your cause of the fire right there yeah right well yeah so the liberal ivory tower elitists

have blamed this on climate change in advance right like they predicted it and told us it was going to happen and why it would happen and stuff. But all their bullshit numbers and science didn't fool Stephen cooking can be fun. Anderson, who took to the Facebooks last Friday to explain that the real reason Australia is on fire is because God still pissed at him for not letting Stephen Anderson into their country. And he's taking it out on the kangaroos and the sugar gliders, apparently. And I guarantee you the moment a single one of these fires goes out it's gonna be like that was us you're welcome yeah for the thought yeah exactly we'll let you

know when we nail the rest of those fires that go out all right wait here's the quote from little stevie he posts a picture that shows all the spots where fires broken out over the last months or so and he says above it he says quote maybe if australia weren't banning and deporting preachers of the gospel they wouldn't be under the judgment of god end quote of course if banning and deporting stephen anderson is the cause we should expect to see fresh outbreaks of fire soon in lots of places austria belgium botswana canada the czech republic denmark estonia finland france germany greece hungary iceland ireland italy jamaica latvia lichten, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, Malawi, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, and the UK. Is that all real?

Yes. Yes. All 34 of those countries, plus Australia, have specifically banned that motherfucker by name. Cut to Donald Trump desperately trying to figure out how to get Iran to ban Stephen Anderson. And finally tonight, we might have finally found a news story that disproves atheism. We've been doing this for years, so I guess it was inevitable. Had to happen, right? And this one is pretty conclusive during a

recent episode of the show it's supernatural hosted by televangelist sid roth a pastor came on and told the story of a child who can fly what yeah and before you, it wasn't just regular, you know, secular flying. This was God flying. They were at a revival gathering, and an atheist showed up to challenge the existence of God, and God made a child fly right in the atheist's face. Yeah, and that atheist said, wow, this is almost as disappointing as the new Mutants trailer. A horror movie? Seriously?

Can we have no fun ever again? Comic book movies. Must we all dwell in the darkness forever of your life? Eli, Eli, we had a whole goddamn meeting. Fine. Okay? It's fine. I'm just hurt.

Okay. Wanted to work that in. All right. Well, back to the story. I'm a Christian now. Oh, oh okay barring any flaws you guys can find in this story here's how it all went down they were having this youth camp revival meeting and according to pastor andre ashby quote the atheist came in and he said okay god if you're real have somebody fly tonight and so at the meeting a young man who actually had a halo on because he just had surgery on his brain the halo is a medical device

for brain cuddy stuff i guess so this kid had a halo on continuing the quote the kid literally picked up and flew out down the halls the doors swung open he flew over the parking lot and landed in the snow end quote so qed am i right my christian brethren No. I love the fucking thought of this, right? See, because the kid is days off of brain surgery. So obviously there have been plenty of ignored prayers leading into this shit. You got to imagine the kids floating around going, no, no, yeah. Sending my brain tumor into remission

would have been a whole thing. I get it. This is way more important, God. Thanks for tripping in now. But I floated even. Yeah. And by the way when asked about why God would drop

a kid with recent brain surgery into a fucking snowman Pastor Ashby responded well here's the thing is that a commercial break let's hear about my pillow great and Pastor Ashby also added quote this is for real he really said this so needless to say

that atheist is no longer an atheist end quote so again before you ask we cannot speak with this atheism apostate he's a secret underground checkmated atheist. No, I get his identity hidden to protect him from the violent backlash. That's a very serious problem in the atheist community. But I have no doubt he's real. He's real. Oh, his name, you ask? Richard. Don't say Dawkins. Rawkins. His name is Richard Rawkins? Yep, good old Ricky Raw, Christian now. They gave this before. I want that to be somebody's name.

So, unfortunately, nobody who watched this child fly managed to get even a few seconds on video. But roth and his production team did put together some very accurate reenactments of what happens when skeptics go to revival meetings and challenge god including this flying incident please watch this video especially the one before the flying thing watch both watch a lot of it's supernatural but check out the one before the flying thing we get to watch an atheist kid it starts he's just hanging out on a lawn drinking beers out of solo cups with his friends like a typical atheist and they make fun of him because he's about to head to a church gathering and then when he arrives at the, he gets violently assaulted by an angel. He does.

In a good way, I guess. And he becomes a missionary. And this actor who's getting assaulted by nothing, he fucking went for it. It is terrifying, but it's fantastic. It's like genuinely good acting. Daniel Day Lewis. It's like the logistics of the flying are so goddamn weird. They have all the other kids like following after him,

but they keep having to open the doors to catch up with him. So either he's also phasing or they just let him fly around for a while. And they're like, we should go check on Tim. He flies out and like God closes the door behind him. So they, yeah. Yeah. No, right. Chasing him out with a broom.

All right. And with that God awful micro, I guess we're They're chasing him out with a broom. All right, and with that god-awful micro, I guess we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Ricky, Ricky, rah. Ooh, Ricky was. And when we come back, Don Ford will be here to help us fantasize about adventure. Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm going to send everyone a fruit basket. Well, I'm going to hand deliver everyone a fruit basket. Guys, what are you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. Heath and I both made our New Year's resolutions to be more generous without going to the post office, of course. Without going to the post office? Yeah, I mean, the traffic. the lines, it's a whole thing. No, I get it.

Why don't you guys just use stamps.com? What's stamps.com? Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer. Whether you're a small office sending invoices, an online seller shipping out products, or even a warehouse sending out thousands of packages a day, stamps.com can handle it all with ease. That does sound convenient, but we're kind of on a budget. We're buying a lot of fruit baskets.

A lot. Well, that's okay. With Stamps.com, you get five cents off every first-class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail. That's a lot of Post-its. Yeah, still is. From the last ad. No, I get it.

I get it. So give yourself a resolution you can actually keep this year. Stop going to the post office and go to stamps.com instead. There's no risk. And with our promo code scathing, you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, promo code scathing. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.

So, fruit baskets? They're mostly lemons. They're mostly lemons? Lemons are a fruit. Yeah. fruit yeah last time on bible peace theater so we're agreed you the gideons will be our carriers of wood and water and and we, the Jews, led by myself, Joshua,

will no longer not, not kill you. Okay, so you won't kill us? Yes. Great. Thank you. You're welcome. Hi, Adonizetic, King of Israel? That's me. Who are you? I am your new assistant, Todd.

Just wanted to give you a heads up that the Gideons have made peace with the Jews. What? That's bullshit. We gotta kick the shit out of those guys. The Jews? Because they killed, like, everyone in Jericho and A, so... Oh. Oh, they did? Yeah. Oh. Okay.

Okay, then. Let's attack the Gideons. You mean the people I just told you made peace with the Jews? Yeah, they won't attack us for attacking their allies. I mean, how bloodthirsty can the Jews possibly be? Oh, an opportunity to kill some people. I am in. Uh, I just walked in the room.

I haven't said anything yet. Okay, well, what do you want then? Oh, the king of Jerusalem is attacking the Gideons, and we were wondering if you would be willing to... An opportunity to kill some people! Boy, I'm in! Yep, checks out. What do you mean you get all of the porn, Lucifer?

That's crazy. Dude, you made these rules. Okay, but surely when I did that, I made it so I get some of the porn. I'm God. Why would I... Oh, Sarah. Sarah. Um, yes, Mr. God? Uh, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You remember Tyler Lucifer. He used to work here.

What up, loser? Um, you have a Popeye's napkin stuck to your face? Or do I? You do. You do. Anyway, Sarah, just wanted to say I saw do you do anyway Sarah just wanted to say I saw what you did

with you know helping the Jews slay those five kings when they united against them super good job super awesome wanted to thank you the

the what now oh come on don't be humble you made those giant rocks fall out of the sky right on top of those oh um

yeah yeah certainly wasn't me missing the toilet on a two drop, if that was what you're asking. That was not what happened. That's gross. The gold makes the toilet slippery. That's true, it does.

But what about when Joshua called for the sun and the moon and the sky to stand perfectly still? I mean, you nailed that, Sarah. I, uh, I might have been trying to get a better angle on a hemorrhoid. That might have been my choice. Oh, double gross. It's from the gold. It is from the gold.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. The point is, Cerberus, you did a great job. Thank you, Mr. God. Thank you. Thank you. Now, as I was saying, Tyler, give me the peace stuff. You can have everything but the peace stuff. How's that?

And that day, Joshua took Maketta and smote it with the edge of the sword. And the king thereof... So Joshua just like kills people and takes their stuff? Takes their stuff, yeah. For how many chapters

does he do that? A lot. A bunch of chapters. Cool. So how good is VR porn? Dude, so good. And nobody of chapters. Cool. Yeah. So how good is VR porn? Dude, so good. And nobody's talking about it. Nobody is talking about it. It's crazy.

It's nuts. That's how they should be advertising it. It should be called the Oculus VR porn. The Oculus porn. Absolutely, yes. Because this is what we've been waiting for with VR. Oh, God. That's what I want to do in the Matrix. Yes, exactly. What am I going to do in the matrix yes exactly what am i gonna do fly no fuck you no i was going in the matrix to fuck people and this is fucking people in the matrix it's fucking people in the main and people are like

oh what about beat saber fuck beat saber fuck beat saber thank you, I'm going to fuck people. Okay. That said, major downside... Disagree. But, go ahead, what? Getting caught. Caught? What? How do you mean caught? Like, if someone walks in on you, you're wearing a VR headset, so you're just going to keep going. It's embarrassing. Not really an issue for me.

No, I know it's not an issue for you, Mr. I'm-Gonna-Die-By-Choking. I mean, for the rest of us, it's an issue. I mean, lock your door? Yeah, but what about, like, the UPS guy, you know? Does the UPS guy have a key to your house? No, I mean, like, you gotta sign shit for the UPS guy. No, because that's a roommate.

I think you just live with the UPS guy. That's what you're describing. You know what I meant. Yeah, you live with the UPS guy. That's what you're describing. You know what I meant. All the cities thereof and all the souls that were therein. Yeah, you live with a UPS guy. Got it. He left none remaining according to all that he had done to Eglon, but destroyed it utterly and all the souls that were within it.

Okay, everyone. That was a fantastic time period of killing. Really, really great killing all around. Side note, I'd like to apologize for all the giants. Did not realize we'd be fighting quite so many literal giants.

That one's on J-Man. That's alright. Literally giants. So now that we're all done killing we're gonna draw lots to see who gets what so if everyone would just line up

yeah bald guy okay I mean a lot of qualities anyway doesn't God know how the drawing of lots is gonna go couldn't he just tell us who gets what without doing that Uh, doesn't God know how the drawing of lots is going to go? Couldn't he just tell us who gets what without doing that? Yeah, I guess he could.

Right, so why doesn't he do that? Why doesn't he? I don't know. I try not to think about it. Okay, okay. Double or nothing, the Kohains get west of the mountains. Again, we're both omniscient. You know that's not gonna happen. Triple or nothing. Okay, fine! And finally, the Kohanes will get the land east of the mountains.

Motherfucker! Hi, uh, sorry. Yeah, bald guy again, yeah. Yeah, um, does the land east of the mountains have any oil? For the last time, none of this land has any oil. Ah, bummer. Yes, we've all agreed this is a huge bummer. Mm-hmm.

Lou, Lou, Lou, doing killing stuff. Killing stuff is my favorite stuff. Uh, Joshua? Ah, hey, Caleb. How's it going? Never better, young man. Never better. Glad to hear it, old man. Did I ever tell you about that one

time when I was one of the spies that Moses... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were one of the spies that Moses sent. Yeah, you told me that. Well, anyway, I'm 85 now, but I'm as spry as I was at 45. Look at me. Oh, that's great, Caleb.

That's great. Punch me in the stomach. I'm not going to punch you in the stomach. You're no fucking fun. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that Moses told you that I... Moses told you everything that you set your foot on, you owned. Yes, yes, you've told me that. Exactly.

So, what do you say? Give me a giant mountain. I can take out those giants with one hand tied behind my back. All right, Caleb, you can have giant mountain. That a boy. I'm awful grateful. Hey, don't sweat it. All right, boys.

First one to kill a giant gets to fuck my daughter. Hooray. This is a weird book. Hi, Joshua? Yes. Can I help you? Hi. I'm one of the sons of Joseph.

You know, the Joseph. Like, loo-loo-loo, doing tent stuff. Tent stuff's my favorite stuff, Joseph. That's my dad. I know who Joseph is, yeah. Oh, okay, great. You do know who Joseph is. That's awesome.

You know, I hate to name drop, you know, like, help speed things up. Anyways, look, there's been a little mistake. No big deal. We, the sons of Joseph, we only got one lot in the whole land dispersal lottery thing you're doing. Yeah. Everyone got one lot.

What's the problem? It's just, you know, we thought, you know, children of Joseph, the Joseph. Maybe we get like two or maybe even, I don't know, am I crazy? Like three lots? Like three lots for the sons of Joseph? I don't want to be that guy you know but like sons of joseph you know the joseph i mean look everyone gets one lot totally totally get it totally cool real quick do you just i have to ask i so sorry. Do you have like a manager or a supervisor or someone I could speak to?

Maybe they knew my dad, Joseph? Look, look, sons of Joseph. If you want more land, go take it from the giants, okay? Yeah. We are not really looking to move into a giant community. You know, it's just a little... Nothing against giants, by the way. We love giants.

Some of my best friends actually are. In fact, I watched this documentary on Netflix the other night about giants. Okay, okay. So aware. Take the land from the Canaanites then. I hate to do two no's in a row, but the Canaanites have chariots of iron. So like, you know.

Oh, yeah. Iron. I'm sure you can kill the Canaanites even though they have chariots of iron after all. I mean, God is on our side. Call forward. Huh? Don't worry about it.

Oh. Joshua, do you have a second? Man, I missed the killing. Did not know there was going to be so much paperwork. Sign my name. Life away. Okay. Yes. High Priest Kohane.

How can I help you? Right. So about this order for cities of refuge? Uh-huh. Okay, so you have this down as people have to stay in that city until the High Priest dies. Yeah. And then they can go home and nobody's allowed to revenge murder them. Yeah. So,

doesn't that mean a bunch of murderers go into these towns and then just have to murder somebody else to go home? Hmm. That's fine. You'll be fine. Okay. Lou, Lou, Lou. Doing altar stuff. Altar stuff is my favorite stuff.

Lou, Lou, Lou. Howdy, neighbor. Seriously? Hi, Ed. How's it going? Uh, good, good. Can't help but notice you're building an altar there. Building an altar?

Yeah, I am. Yeah, I'm gonna have to declare war against you. What? Why? Well, do you remember the thing with the Pior? I do. And then again with A-Chan? That guy had like a carpet, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the carpet. The point is, better safe than sorry on the old eiding smay thing, you know? Okay, okay, fair point. But this altar is actually not for sacrificing animals. This altar is for our friendship, you and I. You built an altar to our friendship? I did, yes.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm. What's it called? It's called Ed the Altar. The altar to our friendship that you

built is called Ed the Altar. That is what I said. Yes. I love it! It's in the book. Yes. I love it. It's in the book. Yes. Yes, it is.

Yep. Okay, everybody listen up. I, Joshua, you know me. Some of you like me. I'm old now. And soon I am going to die. Well, damn, that was fast. Yeah, the last five chapters are pretty much all lists.

I figured we could just... Anyway, anyway. Get out there. Fight your enemies. You'll never lose. And you'll always win. Bring one home for the Gipper. Yeah, I feel like that's not going to turn out to be true.

Okay, also... Also know let me finish never marry any of the women you conquer because they'll they'll be like they'll be like thorns in your eyes ha sounds like my wife yeah Yeah, hilarious. Nice. So that joke is new right now and really funny. Anyway, keep on believing in God. Just our God. Or else, you know, the bad stuff happens. Super best friend promise to only worship God. Super best friend promise to only worship God.

Got it. Alright. I'm gonna go die now. And that's Joshua. Hmm. Not that much to it, is there? Like moral wise. No. I mean, Joshua will kick your No. Like, moral-wise. No.

I mean, Joshua will kick your ass. No, that's true. He will. Yeah, but is there really, like, a way to sum that up? You know what I'm saying? To sum up Joshua kicking ass? Yeah, I think so. Hit it, Anna!

Joshua, Joshua, the genocidal idol, the baddest motherfucker that we've met yet in the Bible. Anna Thank you. of nuclear trumpets He's the Bible's first believer with triple a skill He never met a innocent bisoner that he didn't kill With a swipe of his sword he could knock the wings off a gnat He could take out all four ninja turtles and a mutant rat As you learn about this guy it's not hard to conclude that Shumdor isn't pregnant

if the dose that he's due He's admirable and lovable and strong and heroic. As long as you haven't updated your morals since the palace, so it. Joshua, Joshua, Moses finally died. So you could have the position that you sold on when denied. You served bravely as last June, but the times down the line. After too many decades of kissing God's ass.

To take the baton and lead the army of the Jews After all their arcane nights in need of abuse You serve God while scouting and not being honest So you lead the Hebrews to the land that God promised Your ambitions are grand, your intentions extortionate So God-given powers of land reaffortionment You'll be crossing a river but you won't need a float. When God's done with that shit, you'd have to carry your boat.

Where'd I go? Jericho! Yeah, here they got hookers. You promised not to kill Rehab, and she's quite a looker. Might as well, though, since you're killing all Jeddah chicks. And there's no way those Jewish princesses are sucking your dick. Joshua, Joshua, the legend ascends The way you massacre, exterminate, and ethnically cleanse

You're the bravest, the strongest, and usually the smartest Except when dealing with Gideon's, those fucking con artists guitar solo Thank you. Facts, your conquest succeeds in showing that millions will boast of your deeds. You're a legend, a lion, a genuine stud. Think you're milk and honey and you took their blood. Joshua, Joshua, the genocidal idol. The baddest motherfucker that we've met yet in the Bible. You'd expect him to go out in a battle of 10,000 men. But he died peacefully at home at 110.

And while we wait for the City of A's diss track to come out, we're going to take a break for a while, but we'll be back soon with even more Bible Peace Theater. Before we save and quit tonight, I wanted to let you know that, yes, the general admission tickets for our L.A. show are sold out. And, yes, the VIP tickets are sold out. But there are still a couple of Platinum Night tickets available. So if you'd like a front row seat, a private hangout with the crew, and a fancy dinner slash game night with us the night before, check the show notes and do it quick.

You already fucked around long enough to miss out on all the other tickets don't fuck this up too anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously the rss feed would reject this episode like a bad organ if i neglected to thank heath enright for making a foray into the world outside of his virtual porn to be here with us today. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for at least pretending to buy the no honey I have to be in a locked room by myself with this VR stuff or I'll step on a cat excuse. And I need to thank Eli Bosnick for getting motion sickness in VR because otherwise we

would never see him again. Also want to thank Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure for reasons that have nothing to do with virtual porn. Also want to thank Hunter for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Got a bit of a crossover going with Gam's theme, but you know what? Holy shit, how could I not use one about serenading heathens on the episode with that Joshua song on it, right? And, of course, speaking of which, I need to thank Anna Bosnick for being way too good for this fucking show. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Ken, Aaron, Derek, Christopher, Brian, Matthew, Parker, Chris, Bad Shepherd Pod, Lore, Phoenix, Evan, Lee, Mark, Stu, Scott, Angry German, Todd with three Ds, Dylan, Casey, Mike, and that guy with the SGU tattoo. Ken, Aaron, Derek, Christopher, Brian, Matthew, and Parker, who have to list their heights both with and without an erection.

Chris, Bad Shepherd Pod, Lore, Phoenix, Evan, Lee, Mark, and Stu are so bright the flashlight is afraid to go into the basement without them, and Scott, Angry German, Todd with 3Ds, Dylan, Casey, Mike, and that guy with the SGU tattoo whose tongues could make an entire language orgasm. Together, these 22 people, pods, and fantasy creatures helped us renew for the 2020 season by giving us money. Not everybody has the sweet money-giving skills it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Like, seriously, there's a whole headline in this episode that you didn't hear because you're not a patron.

Unless you're a patron, in which case you did hear it. Way to go. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving all your money for your VR porn, I get it. In the meantime, you can help us a ton by leaving a five-star review wherever you can, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T pod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew you can, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. Now I want to send out the weirdest fucking fruit baskets of shit nobody eats. Lemons and tomatoes, motherfuckers. Tomatoes, yeah. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.