The Scathing Atheist - 361: Radically Correct Edition

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

In this week’s episode, America agrees with rightness slightly more often than wrongness, some very nice Jewish gentlemen may have done something wrong but it's none of my business...We'll let Eli explain, and Tom and Cecil will be here for a little dissonant cognition. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Tom and Cecil’s show here: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: Are America’s Political Views More in Line with Atheists or White Evangelicals?: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/07/are-americas-political-views-more-in-line-with-atheists-or-white-evangelicals/ Court reverses $35 million settlement against the Jehovah’s Witnesses: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/09/court-reverses-35-million-verdict-against-jehovahs-witnesses-in-abuse-case/ AZ GOP Lawmaker Wants to Remove Mentions of “Homosexuality” from Public Schools: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2020/01/arizona-republican-introduces-bill-ban-word-homosexuality-public-schools/ One Million Moms demanding that Burger King remove the "D-word" from an ad: https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/12/us/one-million-moms-burger-king-cursing/index.html Jewish Charity Accused of $1 Million Credit Card Points Scheme: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/05/jewish-charity-accused-of-1-million-credit-card-points-scheme/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Girl expelled from Christian school for wearing rainbow sweater: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/14/christian-school-expels-girl-for-wearing-rainbow-sweater-on-her-birthday/ Nebraska Gov. Issues Proclamation Urging People to Pray for an “End to Abortion” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/11/nebraska-gov-issues-proclamation-urging-people-to-pray-for-an-end-to-abortion/ Iran’s only female olympic medalist gets dafuqout: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/jan/12/irans-only-female-olympic-medallist-says-she-has-quit-country

Warning, we describe Burger King's food using way stronger language than damn. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new medication for the breathless Christian mom on the internet, Sense of Humira. If you're mad about a Burger King commercial, try a Sense of Humira. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Brian from Virginia, and my girlfriend Laura, who introduced me to your show, assures me that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men, and as far as she's concerned, the filthier the better. It's Thursday. It's January 16th.

And it's National Without a Scalpel Day. Okay. We're flexed, but okay, I guess. No illusions? Not really. I'm Eli Bosn okay, I guess. No illusions? Not really. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. Use a scalpel. If you're supposed to use a scalpel, use a scalpel. And from Trump National Golf Club's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Hope in Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, America agrees with rightness slightly more often than wrongness. Do they? week's episode america agrees with rightness slightly more often than wrongness do they some very nice jewish gentlemen who are very pleasant may have done something wrong but it's really none of my business we'll let eli explain and tom and cecil will be here for a little dissonant cognition but first the diatribe The reason they tell the big lie is so they can get away with all the little ones. I mean, think about it. We're all pretty smart people, right? You, me, the other people listening.

I've got hard fucking data proving that we're also pretty altruistic. It should be really hard for global con artists to trick our loved ones. Right. We care about these people. We're smart enough and informed enough to see when they're being lied to. So we tell them, we warn them, we tell them that the homeopathic remedy doesn't work and that the astrologer

is a charlatan and that Joel Osteen's ministry is doing fine without a cut of their social security check. And that should work theoretically. I mean, I know some dumb motherfuckers, right? You probably do, too. And I'll try to tell them that, for example, buying organic isn't actually good for the environment. And suddenly a person who minutes ago asked me if Africa was a country or a nation would beg to differ. If I was telling them something about physics or astronomy or math, they just nod along and say to themselves, well, he does know more about all the subjects than I do. But as soon as I'm telling them about something they don't want to believe, they have no trouble dismissing it. Why is that? I mean, it should be hard for

somebody to dismiss the statement of a person they normally think of as an authority especially when that person has no personal stake in the matter and the dissenting voices do I'm telling them skip the chiropractor and the voice on the other side of that argument is the goddamn chiropractor it's not like I get all the money they were going to spend on that motherfucker if I win this debate you got to figure at some point the person has to weigh all that information. But in the end, they still wind up going to the goddamn chiropractor. And I'd submit that it's because I won't tell them the big lie. I'd imagine that when my family members want to dismiss my heartfelt warnings, the easiest way to get there is to say, well, Noah doesn't even believe in God.

Right. And if I'm wrong about that one, I can clearly be wrong. I can clearly be too much of a slave to scientific thinking to see what's right in front of me. And so maybe I'm also wrong about the homeopathy and the chiropractor and the natural just or whatever the fuck assholes taking money from them now. And sure, I could be right about all of it, including the part about God. But if that was the case, then they wouldn't be able to go on believing that they get to live forever thanks to that infinite respawn cheat code that Jesus gave them. I mean, I've gone on record many times with my opinion that very, very few religious people actually believe any of that shit, which is evidenced every time they avoid death or get sad when others fail to.

What they do instead is they say it over and over and over again. So hopefully they'll have it all practiced up and they can yell it really loud when their brain tries to contemplate mortality. Right. That puts it in a special category of knowledge all by itself. It's true with an asterisk and everybody's consciously ignoring the footnote. Now, they do this to protect the promise of immortality. Some of them might also do it to protect the illusion of divine purpose behind this fucking mess of a universe, too. But you can't just have that stuff by itself, right? The God lie is too big to stand up all on its own. So you need all these other lies to buttress it. And as soon as the religious person feels like one of those might be coming loose, they shut you the fuck down. Hell, even if it's one of the beliefs nearby, they might shut you down. Even if it's just something that the person

who said the thing they wanted to believe also said they might shut you down because all they know about that scaffolding holding up the God lie is that it's a house of fucking cards and they're not even allowed to look too closely at which cards are leaning on which others without seeing what they built the damn thing to avoid seeing so sure the divine creator of all things told me you should give me some money is about as naked as a lie can get and the fact that the people who are arguing against it aren't asking for any money is a goddamn spotlight shining on it. But the people who listen to it don't believe the lie so much as they buy it. They are buying their suspension of disbelief. And if the only person

willing to sell it to them also wants 10% of their income, they're willing to take that. You know, it's damn frustrating to be locked in a competition with a fucking liar. You actually win the fucking race and then they just go out and buy an identical trophy. You nail the kick, they move the goalpost. You rack up the high score, they pretend you were playing golf this whole time. And sometimes it can get damn tempting to ape their tactics and lie too, right? Like after all, I know I could probably convince some of these idiots to give up on the homeopath. If I told him I learned he was crooked by reading tarot cards, I could convince some of

them not to buy organic by citing a Bible passage. But ultimately, if they ever fucking listen, if and when we actually make a goddamn convert, I want to be really, really sure that no part of our truth is resting on the rickety foundation of their bullshit. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the friends and Romans to my countrymen, Heath Enright and Eli Postick. Fellas, are you ready to not praise caesar absolutely noah it's a scrambled egg and anchovy salad it's like a nicktoons original movie salad in our lead story tonight we have a new study by ryan p burge who i'm told is a prolific

study nerd so let's make some noise for Ryan Burge. That's good stuff, right? Sure. Fuck you guys. So his latest work examined some data from the 2018 Cooperative Congressional Study and tried to answer the question, which group better represents the political views

of the average American, non-religious people or white evangelicals and the answer is fuck you we're correct but the problem is that's what the stupid people are saying too so now we have some data to be official about it so fuck you we're actually correct we were already and we knew that but now we have data and we know for sure but uh the thing is we're not right by much which is terrifying we only won by a little bit yeah no offense to mr burge's extensive research but at best this study is a numerical evaluation of how much of america is stupid right right but but it's good that it's under i mean look here's the thing going in we already have liberty in the pursuit of happiness on lock obviously as much noise as they make about life they support death penalty and they

oppose universal health care so at best that's a toss-up Why did he need numbers? I didn't need numbers. A waste of numbers. Yeah. So here's how the study broke down. In the first part, Burge looked at a large data set showing the responses to questions about a range of controversial issues, including abortion, socialized medicine, Israel and Palestine, gun control, immigration policy and taxing rich people. And yes, that last one remains controversial somehow because the GOP is an evil trick and Christians don't actually read the goddamn Bible. They're liars. Yeah. Plus, literally only one of those topics has a complex answer.

Wait, wait. Would you like to tell us which one it is or is your inbox already it's abortion wow it's officially not so not surprisingly now that i have a son wow wow i want to be that kind of parent absolutely not Leaving space between me and Eli. Thank you. So not surprisingly, atheists were pretty similar to Democrats in their responses. You know, depending on the issue, atheists were slightly more liberal or slightly more conservative than Democrats, but they were close. Also, not surprisingly, white evangelicals were similar to Republicans. But here's the crazy part. On every single topic they looked at except for abortion

white evangelicals were less conservative than republicans the white evangelicals are the sjw cucks of the republican party and neither should be legal oh man you know what that means guys we are 11 years from the church of Maga, and I am here for it. I don't think we're 11 years from it, dude. Yeah, we're like negative 30, 30 years from it. I don't know, somewhere in there. 40, yeah. So here's the second part of the study.

Burge compared the atheist group to the white evangelical group in terms of our divergence from the average American answer on each topic. So I don't, our team gets a nice little unfair advantage by, you know, letting us have the wisdom of not white people included in our group. I thought that was generous. But the general idea is to see which group better represents America and which group is more radical, theoretically. And again, fuck you, we're radically correct, but like it or not, we are a democracy. Leaning towards not these

days, yeah. Leaning heavily towards not, yes. Well, as Bernie Sanders says, half of us are women and you can't really trust women. So your inbox wasn't full enough Let's all get into that, jesus christ yeah well um here back to the story it turns out that atheists were closer to the mean on most issues with one glaring

exception that i mentioned before in terms of taxing rich people and taxing corporations the average american is closer to the white evangelical opinion than it is the atheist opinion. Because again, we can't get 99% of people to agree on stuff that benefits those 99% of people. We can't even get 50% of the group to do that because, you know, fuck numbers and the Fed is a Ponzi scheme and fuck Heath in the face. I don't know what the hell is going on, but that's what's going on. American economics is basically Heath trying to wrestle money into the tightly closed fists of a man who won't stop calling him the f slur yeah that's american economics my my conversations with my

friends when i go back home for fucking making oh you're thanksgiving jesus and in a sleep at the watchtower news tonight, for a group of people that named their whole fucking club after having knowledge of an event through personal observation, the Jehovah's Witnesses don't see a goddamn thing when they don't want to, huh? And apparently the Montana Supreme Court's okay with that, which we learned last week when they overturned a $35 million ruling that had gone against them for failing to report a young girl's sexual abuse to secular authority aiding and abetting a

rapist that's what we should call that yes uh-huh and montana was like okay but you know sincerely held getaway driver for the race yes yes yeah because if if the fucking montana supreme court had learned anything over the last couple of decades, it's that churches needed more means of covering up child rape. I feel like when your legal system hits covering up rape is OK, it's time to hit the reset button. Right. We just start all over. Flip the table. Unplug. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. OK. So according to the woman's lawsuit, an elder with the Thompson Falls Jehovah's Witness congregation abused two members of I think it was her family, but two related members. It was kind of confusing the way it was written. But this was back in the 90s and early 2000s. When this abuse came to light, they handled it internally.

And the way they handled it was by expelling that elder from the congregation in 2004 until he was super sorry about it. That took about a year. So they invited him back in in 2005. And that is when he abused the woman at the center of this lawsuit after they knew about it and brought him back anyway. Great. So, you know, fool me once. Shame on.

Well, really, nobody fool me twice. And the Montana Supreme Court will codify the doctrine of we have to let montana people get fooled several times they're super dumb we gotta give them like a few chances at that yeah so okay so initially the court's found in favor of the plaintiff to the tune of eight figures but the state supreme court overturned that ruling on the grounds that clergy are exempted from laws that require the reporting of child sex abuse if they learn about the abuse through confidential means like confessional booth that's fucked up plenty but you might be thinking to yourself wait j-dubs don't have confessional booths and if you were

congratulations on giving this more thought than the goddamn montana supreme court right they just built some i'm sure yeah like yeah right well they kind of did right but but a they don't and b they didn't learn about the abuse to any type of confession at all. Hell, as near as I can tell, they didn't even follow their own crooked fucking guidelines on this. But get this shit. The court didn't look into that because according to the unanimous fucking ruling, it is not in the court's power to look into the church's policies or its adherence to them in this instance and even without that their argument according to them was well they were on base yes church's child rape child rape man did we just call the thing child rape base for that are we doing a base again you unplug you wait 15 fucking seconds and you plug it back in. We got to start over. Wow.

Yeah. And I mean, if this guy confessed to a pastor and repented before God, according to their system, he's a child rapist on his way to heaven, right? So it seems like totes not a big deal to punish him on earth for a while, right? Yeah, really? Really? You divide it by the eternity he's deal to punish him on Earth for a while. Yeah, really? Really? You divide it by the eternity he's going to spend in paradise. It's nothing.

We did nothing. Literally nothing at that point. Mathematically. Yeah. Speaking of all churches are bad. Eli? Yes. And in no homo news tonight.

Long time frenemy of the show. Arizona State Senator Sylvia Allen is back in the news this week, and this time she's getting rid of gay for good. Now, regular listeners to the show remember Allen for looking like the Crypt Keeper's drag persona and for her attempt in 2015 to make church attendance mandatory by law. Well, Eli, if you had episode 111 memorized you would know that that she didn't actually attempt that she just lamented on the senate floor about how sad it was that she wasn't allowed to attempt that in an effort to bolster the case for concealed carry loss 2015 was a confusing time i should have seen it coming everything makes sense now so great yeah it's nice and clear now

well this week in response to the state's repeal of its now infamous no promo homo law which forbid teaching hiv aids curriculum that said gay people were people alan proposed her own bill with beer and hookers which would and this is real ban the word homosexuality from all public school teaching materials what maybe the textbooks could just sub in a picture like they did in highlights okay what's the old saying on like the posters in schools it says tell me i forget teach me and i may remember, involve me, and I understand. It was show me, and I may remember, actually. There you go. Excellent.

So according to LGBTQ Nation, quote, Allen's bill would require all of Arizona's school districts and charter schools to revise their existing sex education courses in public meetings and then publicly post the revised coursework for a 60-day public comment period before final approval, end quote. And I think I speak for all of us here at The Scathing Atheist when I say, I want video of those meetings. I would die for my God. All right, so I saw this poster that said, involve me and I understand.

Hell, teachers need to stop gay fucking our kids. That is ridiculous. Only hetero fucking our kids in health class. All right. All right, let's go form posse and illegally arrest Mexicans. We're in Arizona. So the bill was scheduled for discussion in the Senate Education Committee on January 14th. A committee which, get ready for the twist, Sylvia Allen is the head of.

I'd just take video of that. Yeah, it doesn't sound great. That being said, there is a pretty great way this bill could backfire. Oh, I wonder what that would be like. What that would be like. be like what that would be okay students who can summarize last night's reading on irish poet oscar wilde's oh oh yes timmy go right ahead um oscar wilde was a famous homo timmy timmy sorry sorry oscar wilde was a famous butt pirate who wrote many plays and poems. Much better.

Wilde was very open about being a Peter Puffer and soon started a relationship with a well-known Lord's son who was also a... He was a... Fudge Packer. Fudge packer. The Lord then publicly accused Wilde of being a

fart knocker for which Wilde sued him for libel and loss. He went to jail for pillow biting and died shortly thereafter. Well done, Timmy. This is better. Alright, now involve me.

And while teachers all over Arizona contemplate their verbal Flores lava strategy, we'll pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucyn. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man.

This Week in Misogyny. I've covered a bunch of stories on this segment about Christians punishing teenage girls over the way that they dress, but never one quite like this. This one is about a 15-year-old named Kayla Kinney, a freshman at a private Christian school in Louisville called Whitfield Academy, or formerly a freshman there, I guess, because she put the school in the delicate position of having to choose between her education and endorsing the wearing of rainbows in public. Yeah, there are so many ways this story is fucked. Apparently, Kayla's mom posted a picture on Facebook of her wearing a rainbow sweater and eating a rainbow cake and based on that photo the one of her not even in the goddamn school her mom gets an email from the school's leader telling her that Kayla is being expelled for quote morality and cultural acceptance contrary to that of Whitfield's Academy's beliefs, end quote. Now, to be clear, the sweater doesn't have a message. The cake doesn't have two figurines engaged in a gay sex act on top of it. They're just fucking rainbows. But the school said that that was

too damn much for them, apparently. No word yet on whether they've shredded all their Bibles over that controversial pro-gay right stand God takes at the end of the flood. The only solace we can take against this idiocy is the fact that at least idiocy is mostly only appealing to idiots, which is why I wind up with so many stories like this one out of Nebraska. Apparently, their governor, Pete, I'm named after a vitamin D deficiency, Ricketts, issued a proclamation urging everyone in the state to pray for an end to abortion on January 22nd, the 47th anniversary of Roe versus Wade. And look, I get that I should be pissed about this, and I am. Issuing calls to prayer using taxpayer-funded platforms has a great track record of doing

that. But there's also a part of me that's kind of relieved when I hear that this is their strategy. I mean, I get that smarter Christians are doing crooked shit to pack the Supreme Court with their guys, but everybody relying on prayer to get it done is one more person I don't have to worry about in the long run. Oh, and before I wrap things up, I want to offer my condolences to Iran for losing their token female athlete last week. I was happy to hear that Olympic taekwondo bronze medalist Kamiya Al-Azada managed to get the fuck out and make her way to the Netherlands. She's the only Iranian woman to have ever won an Olympic medal, and the second she managed to scrounge up an ounce of freedom, she started using it to denounce the oppressive

regime that she's just escaped. And while the news stories don't say anything about her having to karate her way through a hallway full of Iranian soldiers to make her escape, I'm going to imagine it that way until somebody definitively tells me otherwise. And on that mental image, I'm going to hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. thank you lucinda and in beaverdam news the christian activist group one million moms held another meeting at megan's house last week and after they all practiced a handful of new inflections for i need to speak to the manager i need to speak to the manager. I need to speak to the manager. After a bunch of that, they kind of ran out of stuff. So they had to think really hard about a new white person problem to panic about because that's their fucking job.

And they landed on a Burger King commercial online from last August that included the word damn. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, swearing whatever, but can we all agree that commercials should go back to making products look nice and attractive? At this point, I've attended Philip Glass operas that make more

sense than a Skittles commercial. Can we all agree? Why would she eat the pox? Beef patties on a sesame seed bun. Remember that? It was a sesame seed bun. Oh, that sounds nice. Eli, what are some Philip Glass operas that you've seen?

Oh, man. What favorite of the Philip Glassip glass opera oh gosh egypt i love egypt yep okay einstein on the beach huge fan of that one the photographer the perfect american philip glass is a composer and p i mean that's not he's a composer and a penis. I don't know if you knew that. I was talking to you. Widely regarded as one of those. Dot com what?

Search question mark Q equals Philip plus glass. That was a weird piece. That was a weird one for him. Yeah. So just in case anyone missed it, Eli makes up literary illusions that he doesn't actually know about. Also, One Million Moms is the same group that spent most of November and December sending shriekily worded letters to the Hallmark Channel in protest of an ad suggesting that lesbians might exist. Yep. of an ad suggesting that lesbians might exist yep and in response the hallmark channel told them to stop being so white and christian you're being weird yes the pumpkin spice network

they also said hey stop carrying around those mirrors we can tell there's just 16 of you trying to initiate the mirror fight at the end of enter the dragon where am i a lesbian cop ow you're right there that's why you said ow i can see you yeah so uh the moms put out a press release last week demanding a stop to the burger king commercial that probably already stopped because that was five months ago when it came out. That's a real thing they're spending time and money on, though. And actually, that might be a good thing because One Million Moms is part of the American Family Association, a designated hate group. So when they get distracted by the D word, that means they're not doing something almost certainly way worse that's

true and and yes they refer to damn as the d word that's real in their official complaint they specifically mention a guy in the commercial using the d word also adding quote he didn't have to curse or if it was a real and unscripted interview in which the man was not an actor, then Burger King could have simply chosen to edit the profanity out, end quote. Imagine being so small that the word damn is a curse to you. Right. I feel like we could kill most of the million moms by just playing our show at them

say anything style. Right? If damn is a curse. Damn right. Just play the Shaft theme. Yeah. Imagine being the guy at Burger King

who got this fucking letter and had to figure out which word they were talking about. Why are you just going to be like, guys, did somebody say dickhead in our commercials? Bill, did you put dog fucker in our commercial?

That was a joke, man. I knew we thought about douche nozzle. We didn't go with that, did we? They definitely thought it was dick. And then they were like, ugh, damn. We said dog fucker. Dog is is the d word they're not focused on the f word that's weird yeah also i love that they're so serious about the integrity of that testimonial yes and like having it remain genuine like if it was genuine that's fine

but we still want to bleep for that d word but you know keep your testimonial that's legit so now i'm hoping we get a new commercial from burger king as a response to this somebody's just reading a list of bible quotes inside of burger king talking about beating slaves and stoning people to death and mary rubbing nard cream all over jesus's feet and then wiping it up with her hair. So fucking gross. And then a bleep when somebody says,

damn, that's a good burger. Right at the end. And finally tonight, in anti-Semite have a point news tonight. What? You know, I might have talked

about this before, but one of my favorite things about atheist activism is how nervous everyone but me gets when we have to talk about jews okay wait a minute though if the atheists in question have southern accents nobody gets more worried about them talking about jews than you i'm just saying keep it to one syllable people try your best your best. Jews. One word. You can do it. And look, I get it.

Most of the people talking about Jews hiding a bunch of money or robbing people or drinking blood or crazy anti-Semites. And it sounds weird to sound like those people

when Jews hide a bunch of money or rob people or drink blood. I don't think they do. But as a person born Jewish, this week's story, damn if this week's story doesn't sound like something Alex Jones wakes up screaming.

Wait, this story is called, You Fucked a Boy Frog, You Did. Pretty close. So listen to this opening sentence. Key Bank of Cleveland is suing Mordeechai gold and his charity bhmd by on chevron incorporated it's catchy catchy name or it's alleged use of a credit card

chargeback scam totaling nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars oh my even the dude's name sounds like something alex jones made up in a pinch right i just want to hire actors to dress up like rabbis and just you know once in a while occasionally walk past alex jones's ranch with like binoculars just look for a second because you know he's looking out with binoculars and just look back at him maybe follow him at the grocery store like cartoon spies once in a while. Just blink around corners. He'll go insane. He'll go more insane.

Yeah, I was going to say, no one's doing that now and it's crushing him. Also, don't worry. It gets more Jewish. So according to Mordecai Gold, the charity took $950,000 in advanced payments for religious Hebrew texts. in advanced payments for religious Hebrew texts. But when they were asked by KeyBank for evidence of those texts, couldn't provide any. Well, yeah, right.

But it was like they were saying, look, spending it legitimately would have been even more fraudulent than just keeping it if you think about it. Right. That's true. That is fair. Either way, we should point out the court case is pending. But if you weren't born Jewish like me, good luck bringing up the million dollars in credit card fraud. Mordecai Gold is charged with.

He's a super nice guy. I'm not saying like a person. Right. Like I'm saying they're better at stealing money. I'm very good friends with one of his. Go ahead. And with our weekly challenge issued, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jewish person. Manji. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will be here just in case we were going to run out of profanity. Part of the reason we started Vulgarity for for charity was to arm you with a great example the next time religious people say that atheists don't do any good in the world but we also wanted to make sure that if they ever checked to see if you were just making that shit up their delicate little christian ears would come away orally traumatized and speaking of orally traumatized

i'm pleased to welcome back friends of the show, Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast. Tom, Cecil, glad you could make it. Well, to be fair, we promised that we would do this and then, you know, Cecil won't let me back out without shitty disapproving looks and more shitty disapproving looks. I'm running out of friends. I don't have a lot of friends now. You gained some?

You didn't have any when we started, Tom. All right. Well, I have in my notes here, let's start off with, but we're already well underway, apparently. Next up, Heath, how about a roast for Nick's emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend, Olivia? All right. Hey, Olivia. I'm sure you're listening. You look like you probably won't need a personality for at least another year or two. So that's good.

You'll be fine. I'm sure you're planning to get one by then. They have some pretty, you know, fun ones on Etsy. You can get like a nice artisanal personality there, support an artist. So yeah, you'll be great. You'll be great. Your life is definitely not peaking right now in your 20s. That's the whole thing.

So don't even think about it. Just put it on your mind for another couple years. You're fine. All right. And how about a roast for Lisa's brother-in-law? Okay, look, there isn't a lot to make fun of here. Sean is a very good looking guy, is what you'd expect to see when the Mandalorian takes off his mask,

including the baby Yoda. He has hippie tied to his body there. There is one thing. Someone sky wrote his fucking eyebrows onto his face. And trust me, dude, I know what it's like to have some fucking in-charge eyebrows, okay?

You don't so much have a unibrow as you have an omni-brow, man. Cecil looks like the angriest bird ever. I do, I do, I absolutely do. Okay, Noah, this one's for you. Alan would like a roast for his brother, Alex. Yeah. Yeah, Alan would like a roast for his identical twin brother, Alex.

Seriously? Really thought this through, didn't you, Alan? But it's okay. He's got long hair and a beard, so they look different. All right, Alex, you know how sometimes you laugh at jokes that you don't get so you won't look stupid? You look like the personification of that action. You look like the avatar that they start you off with before you start personalizing it. You look like your version of getting crazy is defined by which ingredients you just mixed into the pancake.

All right, Eli, how about a roast for John from Brad? is defined by which ingredients you just mixed into the pancake batter. All right, Eli, how about a roast for John from Brad? Oh, John looks like the only Jedi to die of heart disease. I just want to say Brad also included John's photo of him and his participation medal from his Spartan run or tough,

I don't know, Gymboree for adults. And he looks like he pulled too hard on his own libertarian bootstraps in this picture and shat himself. It's amazing. I feel like Mark Hamill's going to die of heart disease if I'm just guessing. Yeah, he will. All right, so, Tom, Brad gave us $132 for you to roast Robert F. Kennedy Jr. So I looked this up and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. uses targeted Facebook ads to convince people not to vaccinate their kids.

And at this point, I got to say, nobody gets the benefit of the doubt on this one anymore. You can't have that. That's gone. That means that the motives here are not an honest confusion about the science combined with a genuine concern for the safety of kids. That's over. No, this is about selling fear to the easiest, most vulnerable possible market. This is a mean-spirited bullshit money grab. This is weaponizing a platform that we should all be able to use to show our vacation photos to our friends

and instead it's being used to convince worried parents that their kids will be harmed by literally putting them in harm's way this is cruelty beyond measure and i think our listeners here know that but robert kennedy he is history and history will know that as well and robert kennedy when you are dead when you have taken who knows how many lives with you, when your greed buries you and your body rots, so too will your legacy. And you will be remembered by all of history, not as misguided, but as the loathsome monster that you are. If they bother to remember you, yes. And we'll applaud the CIA for murdering you. It's time for a round of special requests.

These are roasts that only we could deliver. Top that, Australia. It's as if a billion animals cried out and were suddenly silent. Not suddenly, though, because they roast slowly. So it's a slower silence. Or starve. Or just starve because their food's been taken out. thank you that's really cute um eli super adorable we're gonna start with you anita with like ray comfort to roast brexit oh okay um behold the atheist

not me well fuck i was supposed to have a banana, but the country's run out, I'm afraid. It's really helped me need to have some kind of banana system worked out by now. But if you could all imagine a banana. What do you mean there's a new tax on imagination? We all picture lots of French things in our mind. Why are you crying? Why are you crying? All right, Noah. this one's for you.

Joseph would like you to roast the Empire of Japan. Why do you guys always make mine so fucking weird? Okay, this is going to be a lot like roasting Narnia, except Narnia has existed in way more people's imaginations. I mean, are you guys fucking kidding me? You figured your 72 million person nation would invade half a billion people's worth of countries while at war with a different billion people?

If you put this in perspective, that would be like taking on the 49ers starting lineup with one guy on offense and a guy and a quarter on defense. And the only reason it didn't look like that from the beginning is because you started the goddamn game before the niners even knew they were playing all right heath back to you to make up for all the pet roasting that you obviously hate to do jennifer would like a roast for james the veterinarian well okay i mean that's not really the opposite it's not really an op the opposite would be complimenting a pet, like a honey roast for a pet.

It's fine. It's fine. It's a terrible vet that she's talking about, so that's good. This vet literally blinded Jennifer's cat with medicine that you're not supposed to give to cats because, well, it blinds them. It's needles. Contraindicated for sight. Well, it blinds them. It's needles.

Contraindicated for sight. Seems weird that a vet would even be allowed to obtain this eye poison for cats. I don't know why they sell eye poison for cats to veterinarians. Anyway, good pick for a roast. Especially because James, the veterinarian, looks like a professor of male supplements. Like a fake one from an infomercial. And he's taking all of them. None of them are working.

Every symptom that you might want a bullshit male supplement for, all at the same time. All right, Cecil. Daniel would like you to roast the Honda Corporation. Honda, love that plug-in hybrid with the goddamn 50 mile range before it basically turns back into a regular car

great might as well be shake weight powered it's like inventing the hydrogen car but in order to get it to run you have to combine that hydrogen with carbon and make gasoline you're like finding out someone's tasty looking bulge was just a cucumber in aluminum foil. All right. And Tom, Julie would like a row. Oh, I'm so glad that you get this one. Julie would like a roast of Kentucky politician,

Matt Bevin. Matt Bevin is a man. So fucking reviled. He lost the governorship as a Republican to a Democrat in Kentucky. governorship as a Republican to a Democrat in Kentucky. They seriously shouldn't even be possible in our timeline. Think about how easy it is to win anything in Kentucky when your opponent is a Democrat. And you, Matt Bevin, you still managed to fail. And what you will be remembered for is your parting gift, the pardoning of hundreds of people, murderers and child rapists as your final farewell fuck you to the people who ousted you.

But that changes nothing, Matt Bevin, because you are still unwanted. You are still ousted. You are still ousted you are still rejected the people have spoken matt and they have in numbers come out and said literally anyone but you and here's something else that's true matt as awful as it is that you released back into the wild murderers and child rapists that is a small price to pay to be rid of you. I'm going to copy and paste that and send it to his office. He doesn't have an office anymore because he's ousted. Alright, so while Matt

stops, drops, and rolls, we're going to move on to another spikening round. The category is political figures, and for the following roasties, I'd like you to fill in the blank. Instead of running for office, this person should have run for blank. A big thanks to James, Chuck, Brian, Linnea, and Christopher for the donations.

Let's start with Bill Barr. Instead of running for office, Bill Barr should have been running for the Pony Express. He looks like a human fucking saddlebag. His fucking cheekles just fucking hanging down there. You're the only human whose neck waddle completely covers the half Windsor of their neck time. Yes. I feel like he could do a four in hand with the waddle. Right?

All right. How about Tulsi Gabbard? All right. How about Tulsi Gabbard? All right. Instead of running for president, Tulsi should have run away from home at 13, found meth, and sold herself on the street until she collapsed into the hollow shell of who she really is. Jesus Christ. Tulsi is naked ambition. She's all drive without purpose.

She takes a stand, but never without planting her feet first firmly on someone's back. Tulsi Gabbard is winning at any cost, but she is a loser. She is a hollow chocolate shell covered in foil pretending to be a statue. She is neither form nor substance, and when she is seen for who she is, the world will yawn. Yeah, just for the record, the stand she most recently took was present here. Yeah, that's right. Coward.

Right. Coward. All right. How about Georgia State Representative Ginny Earhart? Okay. Instead of running for office, Ginny should have run for head of the PTA because she looks like the national mascot for suburban moms who warn you about black people the first time you're in their house.

All right. warn you about black people the first time you're in the house all right i'll take al bianstock instead of running from whatever shit ass thing he had to resign what was it hampton township commissioner anyway instead of running for that you should have run for poet laureate of the east street elementary school bathroom skulls all right he's got one for you how about susan collins oh excellent okay instead of running for office susan collins should have run for the roses in the kentucky derby because she looks like a horse with a mullet like with like a horse that got a bad lady mullet and is now trying to like grow it back out and it's not going well fuck you susan collins yeah amen vote for i don't know your gender once in a while on something half the time common decency ever yeah all right well done in fact we're going to do it again

category is still politicians for your roasty this time i'd like you to tell me who will play them in the movie of their life uh shout out to natalie Rick, Tom, Bob, Blake, and Keith for these donations. Starting with Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison. All right, Scott Morrison should have been played by the unbandaged version of Darkman. Because you should be running fucking immediately into the fire of your country. Their goddamn country's on fire. You went on goddamn vacation. I don't know if you packed your fucking fiddle

before you left but i'm goddamn sure no amount of roasting here could render enough fat off of you to make up for that depraved fucking indifference jesus well said sir uh how about michelle bachman i mean the easy answer is literally any other stay-at-home mom from upper minnesota i mean if we're going purely off looks, I'm going to say Anthony Hopkins, but only when he's wearing the anti-bitey mask from Silence of the Wild. Or someone else's face. I don't know. One or the other.

Noah, why don't you take John Bolton? All right. Well, that one's obvious. He should be played by the illegitimate love child of the walrus and the carpenter. All right. How about Lindsey Graham?enter. All right. How about Lindsey Graham? Yes. All right.

Lindsey Graham should definitely be played by a bright pink balloon getting pinched at the neck on either side. Because that's him. He is a bright pink balloon squealing forever. All right. And last but certainly not least, both Blake and Keith donated for a roast of Jason Rappert. So make it twice as good. Post-rehab Danny McBride. Tom Arnold.

Somehow a less likable Tom Arnold. He's like a computer amalgamation of all the photos in every headline that we ever see that says, Pastor resigns over Glenn. He's those guys combined. All right, for our last set of roasts, these subjects were so miserable, so hateable, and so fantastically stupid that several different people around the world came together to hear them be roasted. So we're going to team up for the second round. First up, both Robert and Keith wanted to see Alberta premier Jason Kenney taken down a notch.

Tom, care to join me for a dance? I think I would. All right. Jason Kenney is the past. past. He is a cultural irrelevance, a holdover from a time that never was, that never will be, and that no amount of squalling and mewling he will ever be able to create.

The future for guys like Jason is scary, not because he doesn't know what the future holds, but because he knows, and he knows that he is not in that future. He is the doggy bag of a man. He is the stinking, rotting leftovers molding in the back of the

fridge, and as much as he certainly yearns for some man to put them in his mouth, no one ever will. I mean, Heath will eat those leftovers. You cut around the bad parts, and then you just... That's a weird example. And also, dude, if gay porn hiding

consultant was a job, everyone who did it would look exactly like you. Right? Every image Google can find of this guy looks like he's trying to explain that he was only researching that porn for work. Important work stuff. All right. Next up, we're going to stay in Canada for a bit. Canadian politician Andrew Scheer was so bad that nick lisa collin and aaron all donated to see him roasted okay so you guys know how jonah hill

is just playing too attractive it's over the top yeah andrew sheer looks like recessive jonah like exactly like you remember jonah hill in the wolf of wall street he looks almost exactly like you remember Jonah Hill in the Wolf of Wall Street he looks almost exactly like that he looks like the Jonah Hills have eyes he kind of looks like if you drain the swamp and you found Pete Buttigieg drowning in a year before and no one recovered the

remains you know he looks like if the Grinch's smile could vote Republican. And it can. All right. Well done. Canadian ice hockey commentator Don Cherry drew the ire of

three donors this year. Colin, Eric and either Amar or somebody misspelled Amy. I'm not sure. And I can't think of two better men to roast an obscure sports rhetorician than Eli and Tom.

No, I want to go too. I want to do Don Cherry. Oh, okay, Heath. You can go too. Okay. Yeah, so a little background. Don Cherry was a hockey announcer for decades and also, I'm pretty sure, a lawyer who represents the Lollipop Guild when they commit a hate crime. crime he got fired from the hockey job after he yelled about immigrants to canada who aren't patriotic enough and called them you people what as that applies to the outcome of a hockey game

broadcast about and that's all weird because don cherry clearly immigrated to canada from the end of a rainbow where he hoards a pot of gold. And also probably he hoards his enormous collection of clip art pattern zoops that he has. It's ridiculous. He looks like he's being photoshopped like live in real time all the time by somebody.

They use the green leprechauns. It is a green screen. It's amazing. Walks into Macy's and says, give me the word, Art. John Cherry looks like colonel sanders stopped pretending not to be gay but he didn't stop being racist he looks a lot like i don't know anything about hockey or hockey announcers i read an article i know this i know he was fired for being racist and I read about it, but all I could think was, man, I miss when that kind of racism got you fired and not, you know, like more cheering at a rally in Michigan. Thanks for making that one depressing.

Okay, Heath. That's now. Both Jonathan and Vice Ronald would like you to take it to Doug Ford, the Trump-esque premier of Ontario. Why don't you take this one with me? Okay. Doug Ford looks like somebody tried to summon a Patronus, but didn't really think it through, and they just like yelled out,

Chris Farley Nazi, what? God, I'm panicked. Why would I yell Chris Farley Nazi? Shit. And he's somehow even more pink orange than Trump. He looks like he got mad that hot dogs aren't shaped like a ball. So he decided to become that. Oh, I can help you out here.

See, he's orange like that so that when you leave him on somebody's porch, they'll try to stomp on him and then I'll be all over their shoes. He looks like middle aged Biff from Back to the Future 2 swallowed young Biff from Back to the Future 2. Next up, Robbie, Jeff, and Donna gave us $50, $100, and $200 to roast Stephen Miller. So Cecil, why don't you lead us off? Okay, all right. Stephen Miller looks like that old comedian Stephen Wright's racist alter ego. I remember Stephen Wright. It was all deadpan routine.

I believe in equal rights i want to deport all the hispanics but i also want to deport all the her spanics too imagine this like every day stephen miller wakes up looks in the mirror and has to spend the whole fucking day looking like hydrocephalus got a job working the porn counter at a truck stop video store. I'm not saying it's okay that he's a virulent racist asshole. What I am saying is this guy needs to run people out of the country just

to even up his odds. It's like he's making a whole career out of trying to prove his high school crush wrong when she said no. Not if you were the last person in this country. Stephen Miller looks like his hair is trying to abandon the top of his head like some kind of plague ship. And to be fair to his hair, that is accurate. We have heard of all his body parts. All right.

I got another three for here. John, Tasha and Mike all wanted a roast of Jim Jordan. Fantastic. All right. Jim Jordan, quick tip. When you put glasses on over your Cro-Magnon polygon face, we can still tell that you're a wrestling coach who ignored sexual abuse at ohio state and also i learned this recently you started a king of the sauna award for the wrestler who spent the most time in the sauna with you oh jesus um the glasses don't cover that um maybe they're too small maybe get bigger glasses i don't know but point being clark

kent was fictional oh jesus jim jordan the man who disrupted a congressional hearing to protest the fact that he didn't have access to it even though he had access to it god you look like the fucking bond villain that the other guys don't want to hang out with. Like, you show up at their fucking secret lair. They pretend not to be home. Everybody hides behind the world laser or something. Turn off the volcano. No, we have somewhere else to be. We have a party with unrelated invitations

through different friends that all happen to know each other. If Jim Jordan were in a movie that were like a reverse Groundhog Day where everyone but Jim knew they were repeating the same day over and over again with Congressman Jordan, the entire cast would go over a cliff with a groundhog during the opening credits, and then they would roll the end credits. That's how that movie would go. Look, Jim Jordan isn't single-handedly ruining the country,

but that is not for lack of trying that is that is for being in ohio which thankfully can't do much damage because ohio is only part of america because nobody else wants it jim jordan is so full of bluff bluster bullshit and lies he might be one of those guys who just ends up believing his own shit. And if that's the case, Jim, just keep on repeating to yourself, it's a normal size. It's a normal size. It's a normal size. The sauna was cold. Whatever.

Alright, and last and apparently least, fucking assholes, not one, not two, not three or four, but five fucking people, that would be Dave, Shane, Ash, Stephen, not one, not two, not three or four, but five fucking people, that would be Dave, Shane, Ash, Stephen, and Zach requested a roast of the Etruscans. Oh, the Etruscans

are so boring, David Foster Wallace gives up on them halfway through. That's why he committed suicide. Hey, Etruscans, great job evolving from monarchical chiefdoms into an oligarchic republic in the

6th century BC. Slow. Zing. Nice work being famous for beautiful bronze sculptures that were widely exported to surrounding cultures. I mean, learn another alloy, idiots. Your face. Dumb culture.

Way to lead to Mussolini. Seriously, fuck you. They do lead to Mussolini, to be fair. Hey, Etruscans, your bucaro wares look like terquitium and pasto and a novendialis, and your language sounds like a bunch of lemnians on henbane. Fuckers. I don't know. Fucking the Etruscans?

I don't know. Fucking until I was 30, I thought Etruscans had pinchers for hands. That's more morose than me, I guess. I don't know. Delicious with drawn butter. They are. And they moved around by flicking their tails. Like flagellum? I get guys i get it like this is this is done this is funny this is the part where i eviscerate the etruscans but i can only do that if i then learn something about them to attack or then how would

that be fair and then guys you've got me i've learned about the etruscans clever gambit not clever enough because the goddamn etruscans are dead for a reason. It's because they are boring. And like all boring people, nobody wanted to fuck them. And so they died off. That's how this works every time. So obviously there would be more Etruscans and we'd all be looking at Noah's fucking vacation photos of the restaurants he doesn't eat at in beautiful fucking Etrusca or whatever. restaurants he doesn't eat at in beautiful fucking etrusca or whatever but no one is doing that because instead of fucking and making new etruscans they all looked around at whatever

point in history they became the nobodies they are and they all just laid down and died of fucking boredom just like i want to do every time noah starts an essay with the historicity of dust or whatever fucking tangent he's going to use to fill in the narrative dead space in his fucking essays. I'm sorry. I love you, man. I didn't mean it. No, I like how you proved how little you knew about it. I thought that killed the purpose.

Everybody wanted to fuck the Etruscans. All right. Well, with that, in fact, I'm still ringing in your ears. We're going to wrap this up for the night, but there are still more insults to come. If you haven't heard yours yet, stay tuned both here and over at Cognitive Dissonance, because there are always more people who need to go fuck themselves. Tom Cecil, or I mean, Cecil, thanks again. You're welcome. Before we line this sucker up for the landing tonight, I want to address the question I got from all but six of you last week about where you can get Anna's Joshua song. The Scathing Atheist album is still coming.

Anna got pregnant, kind of slowed things down, kind of complicated things, but it didn't derail them. I'll keep you posted as we get closer to that. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting

at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this episode would fucking suck if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for seven years and two days of this shit. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for a month shy of 23 years of this shit and more.

And I also want to thank Eli Bosnick, who hasn't been here quite as long, but has become as indispensable a part of this show as the fucking microphones. One more big thanks as well to Cecil and that other guy he brought too. Again, check them out at DissonancePod.com or check the show notes. Also, thanks to Brian for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Also, hey, dude, Laura's a smart cookie. Stick with that one. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Scott, Alex, Jacqueline, we beg to differ, damnable dandy, Robert, Daniel, Joshua, Jason, Thomas, Karen, Jeremy, Rabid Monk, and Jake the Snake. Scott, Alex, Jacqueline,

we beg to differ, and damnable dandy, who are bright enough to inadvertently trigger werewolves, Robert, Daniel, Joshua, Jason, and Thomas, who are among the world's foremost experts at firing off massive loads without taking out civilian air traffic in case Iran's looking for a guy. And Karen, Jeremy, Rabid Monk and Jake the Snake who are so sexy the MPAA tried to give them an NC-17 rating but they got shy and ran away.

Together these 14 formidable people, reptiles, disease vectors and disagreements brought forth on this nation more episodes of us saying fuck a lot. If you'd like to do the same you can make a per episodeepisode donation to patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn only access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but money is too expensive these days, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark.

We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScanTheAtheist.com. What a great joke! Wait! Are you talking about your joke or my joke? No, yours!

I thought Eli was like, circling back, my joke was fucking amazing. I kind of wish that's what was happening right now. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.