The Scathing Atheist - 364: Left Handed Edition

Episode Date: February 6, 2020

In this week’s episode, One Million Moms will pour out the first bowl of the Super Christ, we learn how Hillary Clinton murdered Kobe Bryant with math, and Don Ford will get adventurously fantastic up in this motherfucker. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the Everyone’s Autonomous Podcast here: https://everyonesautonomous.com/ --- Headlines: Christians freak out over halftime show: 1 million moms https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/04/christian-moms-complain-about-lack-of-respect-and-dignity-in-halftime-show/ Franklin Graham https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/03/trump-loving-evangelist-whines-about-lack-of-moral-decency-in-halftime-show/ And https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/05/dave-daubenmire-ill-sue-the-nfl-for-putting-my-soul-at-risk-with-halftime-show/ Class-Action Lawsuit: The Catholic Church Is Hoarding Donations to Charity: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/03/class-action-lawsuit-the-catholic-church-is-hoarding-donations-to-charity/ After Taking Over Art School, Belmont U. Will Fire Non-Christian Faculty Members: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/03/after-taking-over-art-school-belmont-u-will-fire-non-christian-faculty-members/ E.W. Jackson: I’m Allowed To Call Obama a Dictator Because Atheists Are Dumb: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/01/31/e-w-jackson-im-allowed-to-call-obama-a-dictator-because-atheists-are-dumb/ It’s No Exaggeration: Sweeping South Dakota Bill Aims to Eliminate LGBTQ Rights: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/01/its-no-exaggeration-sweeping-south-dakota-bill-aims-to-eliminate-lgbtq-rights/ Homophobe caucuses for Buttigeig, then freaks the fuck out when she learns he’s gay: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2020/02/christian-woman-who-voted-for-buttigieg-panics-after-finding-out-hes-gay/ Christian TV Host: Hillary Clinton May Have Murdered Kobe Bryant with Witchcraft https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/01/christian-tv-host-hillary-clinton-may-have-murdered-kobe-bryant-with-witchcraft/

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Warning, the language in this podcast is so filthy, your headphones probably have a little dust cloud around them like pig pen. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by

Honey, Hymns, Stamps.com, and by the Iowa Caucus. The Iowa Caucus, because none of us could agree on how to spell snafu. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Marie DeLafonte from the Everyone's Autonomous podcast. When I think back to when I was a fundamentalist Christian, I can't help but think, what an idiot I was. And by I, I mean you. It's Thursday. It's February 6th. And it's Ronald Reagan Day. So, I guess everybody sell some weapons to the Taliban.

What could possibly go wrong? Way ahead of you. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Kevin Spacey's New Jersey. Great actor. Cincinnati Swing State.

And good husband Georgia. This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, one million moms will pour out the first bowl of the Super Christ. We learn how Hillary Clinton murdered Kobe Bryant with math. And Don Ford will get adventurously fantastic up in this motherfucker. But first, the diatribe. Imagine how few knobs you'd have to tweak and how little you'd have to tweak them for us to be living in a universe where we just made it through yet another divisive Groundhog Day.

Honestly, complaining about taking the Christ out of Christmas isn't inherently weirder than bitching about taking the God out of Groundhog Day, right? You can even see the signs. They would just like bold the G, the O, and the D in ground. Or they put like each word on top of each other and then they just bold the O in hog and act like they just made an acronym. And then they point to a lack of a dedicated Google doodle and call it discrimination against Jesus. I mean, look, the two holidays are actually pretty similar. Groundhog Day happens on Candlemas, which is officially the commemoration of the presentation

of Jesus at the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. The whole groundhog scene and shadow thing, it comes from the correct observation that sunny days in winter tend to be colder and the incorrect extrapolation that if it was sunny on Candlemas, it would probably be a longer winter and at some point animal sees its shadow becomes the measure of sunny day and there you have it there's the whole fucking holiday but every step along the way was coming out of a christian tradition which was a bastardization of an old pagan holiday that was way better than its christian variation hell it's so similar to christmas that is actually kind of hypocritical for those jesus is the reason for the season folks not to bitch about the secularization of Groundhog Day.

So yeah, you turn one or two knobs, one or two clicks, and all of a sudden Christians have found a way to make a holiday that's normally celebrated by saying, oh, was that last Sunday? And make it less fun because nothing sucks the fun out of things like taking them seriously. Which is, after all, the whole reason we're here, isn't it? I mean, look, while we're twiddling the knobs of seriousness on Groundhog Day, let's be careful not to slip a little bit, right? Because if you think about it, the whole celebration kind of feels like a religion that didn't quite take. Think about this.

There's an exclusive group of dignitaries that call themselves the inner circle. They have access to a groundhog that legend holds is 125 years old. Thanks to the immortality punch that he imbibes each summer. He offers up his proclamations in a language that only they can understand. And most importantly, in terms of its similarity to a religion, those proclamations are wrong more often than they're right. So again, twiddle those same knobs a couple more clicks further, and we've gone beyond bitching about the woodchuckless Starbucks cups on the 2nd of February all the way to a world where people kill each other over whether or not he saw his shadow. Generational rivalries between the Puxatawney Philistines and the Staten Island Chukites reach

a temporary armistice while they join in arms against the Beauregardists of Georgia and as much as I'd love to cop the hyperbole here to get there we'd have to accept that which of us has the better weather predicting marmot is somehow stupider or less consequential than does this bread actually change into a dead guy when I say the magic words you know and I think it's instructive to play out this little mental exercise because look all we did was take something that's patently false and imagine what it would be like if people took it really seriously and since saying somebody is religious about something as Dan near synonymous was saying that they're serious about it, there might be a lesson in all this hypothetical knob turning. Look, for a lot of people, religion isn't much more than Groundhog Day, right? These people go to the church and

they nod along and they tell their kids the PG version of the Bible stories as though they were Aesop's fables. If they were in a pinch, they'd probably say, yeah, I actually believe in this thing, but they sure as hell wouldn't act like it or behave like it. And those people tend to lull atheists into this false sense of hope that, you know, maybe we're on our way to a world where those knobs get twiddled back a bit. and teach it to their children, even when they don't actually believe it themselves, are hardly an indication of nonchalance. Instead, they're evidence that the people who do believe it take it so goddamn seriously that rational people have found it easier to play along than admit that reality is real. Okay, it's a smokescreen to fool atheists and secularists into thinking that there's a path to appeasement. It's just another sign that the problem with religion isn't in the interpretation or the commitment or the form.

The problem with religion is that it's religious. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the other two kittens that lost their mittens, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to forego some pie? Absolutely not. I keep a spare set of pie mittens just Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to forego some pie? Absolutely not. I keep a spare set of pie mittens just for situations

like this. And I'm a big enough man to admit that I was wrong for making fun of your four-mitten pie setup, Heath. That was on me. Thank you. See? Alright. This is why. Well, I feel like there's no way to steer this intro back onto the rails from here, so we're just going to pause for a quick word from our first

sponsor this week, Honey. Pie Mittens! Yeah yeah you wanted to see me mr president oh hey tyler how's the weather up there i i'm still normal height sir is everything okay yeah i'm just a little blue is all you know from the state of the union nancy, I don't know, nobody noticed, but Nancy tore up my speech and none of the pretty girls in Congress came, so. Yeah, no, that's rough, Mr. President. And, you know, now I'm trying to buy myself a cheer-up gift, but everything's so expensive. Well, why don't you try Honey? I am trying, darling. No, Mr. President, Honey is the free online shopping tool that automatically finds the best promo codes and applies them to your cart. It does? For which website?

A ton of them. Honey supports over 30,000 stores online, including Macy's, Target, Sephora, Best Buy, and more. And they're adding more every day. Honey helped me save almost 50 bucks on my Valentine's Day gift this year. For me? Um, yeah. Oh, Tyler, you are a federal judge nope nope don't make me a federal judge please anyway using honey feels pretty great think of it as a little daily victory plus it's free to use and installs in just seconds get honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing.

You know what, big guy? I will. Thanks. Or should I say thanks, your honor? Sir, please don't make me a federal judge. Too late. You're a federal judge. And now back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, adding to the laundry list of terrible consequences of Christianity, I had to watch the goddamn super bowl halftime show because of those motherfuckers now right because like in real time this fucking halftime it consisted of me going upstairs to play robo recall until lucinda texted and said hey the game's back on but then the christians described it as borderline pornographic to the point where i was like well fuck i should have watched that shit so So I did. And it was just a goddamn Super Bowl halftime show. And yes, J-Lo and Shakira are very talented. And the people on the stage with them could move their butts in a vast number of directions.

But I was promised animalistic bacchanalia. And I got, you know, a musical performance with dancing in it. OK, well, I mean, it's it's BYOB. Bring your own bacchanalia. You got to set that up yourself. So that's, I mean, it's BYOB. Bring your own bacchanalia. You got to set that up yourself. So that's what I was doing. But come on, they crushed it.

Shakira, J-Lo, like the pole dancing. That was pretty great too. I very much want to learn how to pole dance now. I was excited by that. I could teach you. Can you? I mean, I can. It's not legally protected like being a doctor.

Okay, well there you go. I feel like that's in my wheelhouse for dancing. If there's a wheelhouse of dancing for me that exists probably doesn't, but this might be it if it does exist. I will say this, there is no amount of money I won't pay to watch you try. Patreon goal. But just because entirely non-pornographic

musical performances, what was there doesn't mean that that's what Christian saw. So the headlines on Monday were filled with fainting couch dictations from the usual suspects. For example, one million moms, the group, not the number of mothers, described one of Jennifer Lopez's outfits as a, quote, glitter maxi pad, which is honestly funnier than I'm used to out of them. I'm going to give them a point. I'm just going to,nier than I'm used to out of them. I'm going to give them a point. I'm just going to, I'm not even going to fuck with them.

It is a step up for them in humor for sure. But I mean, I guess I'm assuming they're talking about her like motorcycle pirate from the future thing. And if that's what they're talking about, they need to check themselves. That was delightful. And I have always wanted to see a Ron Rod dance. And this was even better because it was like talented. Yeah. Pretty sure he's who J-Lo defeats at the end of the movie, but I get it.

Yeah, right. Evangelical spokesman and professional son of his father, Franklin Graham, also made the news over a tweet vaguely condemning the performance and bemoaning the nation's lack of moral decency he tweeted in part quote this exhibition that's the halftime show was pepsi showing young girls that sexual exploitation of women is okay end quote yep nothing more exploitive than multi-millionaires performing songs that made them famous in their native languages yeah right right well it goes on to imply that from now on, when women get sexually trafficked, it's at least a little bit Shakira's fault for how sexy that rope thing that she did was. She kept pulling out new items like she was Link. It was amazing. Made me so happy.

She had a guitar out of nowhere. All of a sudden, she's playing. It's a nice guitar. The rope thing. Yeah. He's playing the rope thing. But of course, the most epic meltdown, and coming in just under the wire like you knew when we recorded,

came from friend of the show and secret real-life Heath side character, Dave Dobenmeier, who was so pissed he just might have to start projecting a baseball diamond onto the green screen behind him. And Dobby's proposed solution? He wants to sue the NFL for making 12-year-old boys squirt. Oh, my God. Please sue the NFL. Please do that. Please.

We will give you our lawyer. Yes. Quote, I think we ought to sue. Would that halftime show have been rated PG? Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old son, whose hormones are just starting to operate, was there any warning that what he was going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?

End quote. Which 100% means that Coach Dave turned to his son and was like, all right, boner check. I fucking knew it. I knew it. Call Andrew Torres. boner check i fucking knew it i knew it call andrew torres yeah also i was a 12 year old boy dave if you're gonna sue everything that sexually excites your 12 year old boy you're gonna need to sue a lot of people

i need to sue school bus i need to sue not gym class. Waking up. Yeah, exactly. Sleep and awake. Hillsbury Doughboy. I'm glad to know it wasn't just me. Pile of flour. I need to sue the couch cushions that I have.

Warm apple pie. Yeah, right. All right, so look, it's hard to take people seriously when their job is pretending an immortal wizard made the universe, but it's all that much harder when they get significantly more pissed

about Jennifer Lopez grabbing her crotch than they would if the president had grabbed it. And as the scantily clad chicks with the pom-poms next to the field will tell you, this isn't a new thing on a football field, the scily clad shit right it's almost like these christians are suddenly way more bothered by a woman's sexuality as soon as it seems like she might be empowered by it isn't white sorry what what'd you say both it can be both also that yes and in in embezzledeo news tonight every so often here at the scathing atheist due

to our position on the itunes charts we receive an email from a well-meaning christian nope who listened to our show definitely not and was moved by the Holy Spirit. Also, no, absolutely not. To write us an email. And these emails pretty much always have a few things in common. Yeah, mostly just so much sexual tension. Yeah, that's right. Well, that and the belief that capitalization is determined by the relative importance of that word to the sentence.

Well, yeah, that too. Those end that at some point in the email when said well meaning christian stops buying even their own bullshit about religion being true they include a paragraph or two about religion being useful they tell us about their grandma's church that has a soup kitchen or how their church did a coat drive and this week we got yet another piece of evidence against their argument yeah you guys are being kind of mean churches don't just rape kids that's the argument just to be clear right and and we got evidence against that argument this week yes we did yeah so here's the story david o'connell a Rhode Island native, is suing the United States Conference of Catholic

Bishops in light of a recent Washington Post expose about their charity, Peter's Pence, which revealed that less than 10% of the funds donated to Peter's Pence since 2013 were going to poor people. Great. Jesus. Yeah. we're going to poor people rape jesus yeah peter spence collects about 55 million dollars a year but most of that money goes towards plugging the holes in the vatican's own administrative budget holes which we should point out are created by all the kid raping that is where those holes come from

and by the way this is when those emails might say, okay, but, you know, if we're being fair, that 10% to the poor number, it's a bit higher when you count rape victims who are poor. Okay, I heard it. I heard what I was saying. Well, right up until the I heard it, but they never hear it. They don't hear it. Even when you isolate it and play it back for them, they still don't hear it they don't hear it though right even when you isolate it and play it back for them they still don't hear noah sends back mp3s of what they would sound like reading their own email to themselves and no they never hear it still doesn't work still does not work however we should point out in defense of our emailer here not all the money went to kid raping according to

an italian newspaper cited in the lawsuit more than a million dollars donated to Peter Spence was invested in the Elton John biopic Rocket Man. What? It's a weird one. Yeah. Another 3.6 million was invested in Men in Black International and 200 million was invested in luxury apartments in London. Lovely. Okay. Okay. million was invested in luxury apartments in london lovely okay okay but like based on men and black international's box office i'm pretty sure that does still count as a charitable donation

oh yeah that's fair that's fair so uh yeah quick reminder to the christians totally not listening to this podcast this headline is the long answer to your question. So you're kind of lucky Noah just tells you to fuck yourself, right? Aren't you glad? And putting the art in a heartless news tonight. As loathe as I am to deploy the they're coming for our gerbs defense, that's actually what's happening and that's what my next story is about. So bear with me. This is the story out of Watkins College of Art, a secular college in Nashville, Tennessee, being bought out by the larger and way less secular Belmont University.

So now all of a sudden, the secular college has to become Christian. And the consequences of that range from frustrating. Filmmaking students are only allowed to make PG movies now to laughable. Artists won't be drawing nude figures anymore. It's a downright fucking demonic. They're going to fire all the non-Christians that work there. I love the nude figure drawing thing. Just like a nude model at the front of the room posing behind a weird Swiss cheese bubble screen out of cardboard. Guys, I don't know.

This is new to me. Is this like a glory hole situation do i put the dick through what do you want me to do well wait a second no i've been assured by many non atheists who still want to be on tv that christians make the best art surely there's been some mistake oh it must have been yeah so we'll do an investigation i'm sure it'll come out your way eventually so yeah um this announcement came out during a q a thing it was students after the merger was announced and it's not even clear that the professor and faculty whose jobs were at stake heard about this before the q a but during

their little town hall thing the provost was asked about the school's hiring practices going forward to which he said quote we do not hire people who are not christian so the ones who are not christian will not be eligible to work at belmont that's just part of who we are end quote well here's the crazy part a room full of adults heard that sentence and the next question was like so does the fall semester start on the 20th yeah right right well i mean let's be clear. This is all perfectly fucking legal. Right, in the same way that Ken Ham can force his employees to sign

a statement of faith to work at his amusement list amusement park, these guys can come in buy this school and fire all the non-Christians. And if their past performance is any indicator, they're also gonna fire any gay people that they find at the art college. And by the way, if there's anything less valuable than an art degree,

it's an art degree from a homophobic Christian college. And something tells me they're not offering refunds to the atheist students that don't want their tuition going to bigots. Right. Which means if there are any Belmont, you atheist students listening, hear me out. Call me comedy heist.

Come on people. That itself all right so while the three of us kick up a quick screen treatment we'll take a break for our second sponsor this week hymns lulu lulu doing heat stuff he stuff is my favorite stuff lulu lulu hey heath what you doing whoa uh you lie What happened to your hair? What do you got going there? You like it? I waited till Noah was asleep I shaved him and I made a wig

Check it out Wow, that's pretty awesome But um, why don't you just try 4hymns.com What's 4hymns.com? It's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. An online shop for hair loss, Heath? Pull the other one. No, seriously.

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Uh, try Mexico, maybe? Nah, I'm gonna go somewhere cold. He likes warm weather. Smart. Yep. And we're back and in ew jackson news tonight right wing radio host former candidate for lieutenant governor of virginia and ray comfort second most offensive character ew jackson gotten a big old fight with himself on the radio this week who's the first most it's him it's this person

that's right yeah and the result of that fight is that he is smarter than us so interesting here's the story yeah here's the story earlier this week representative jerry nadler called donald trump a dictator in his closing remarks and while educated adults can argue about whether or not Trump is a dictator or just wants to be. Well, they already did argue, but they didn't they didn't call witnesses, but they argued about it. Yeah. So Jackson wants Nadler censured by the Senate because, quote, what message are you sending to the country when you stand up and tell people that we have a dictator in office?

End quote. Pretty straightforward message. You want me to read it back to you, E.W. Jackson? So what happened was Hemant Mehta at the Friendly Atheist blog and others pointed out, hey, E.W. Jackson, isn't this you in a video from 2013 calling obama a dictator to which jackson literally responded i have a higher iq than you

all right tic-tac-toe right now let's do this let's settle this shit once and for all yeah one thing you can say for certain about anyone who has ever used i have a higher iq than you as an argument is no the fuck you don't no you don't nope automatically they take it away maybe check geocities.iqtest.com and you'll fucking learn the right facts. I have a 600 IQ. Not that I want to give it away, but there's only one banana in the third picture. That's where they get you. So, here is Jackson's full response. Please don't do the voice.

Please don't do the voice. Please don't do the voice. Okay, granted, I will not do the voice. This is the thing you have to understand about the left, folks. thing you have to understand about the left folks i think because of their godlessness because of their spiritual defect their intellect is very very superficial when i say that i don't mean they're not bright that they don't have a high iq i'm saying that there's an internal malfunction in their intellect that renders them stupid and renders them superficial. And this is an indication of that. End quote. Stupid says what?

Damn it, I said it. Fuck. Yeah, you know, I'm going to go ahead and admit that my feeble atheist intellect can't even begin to fathom his it's okay for me to hold two mutually exclusive opinions because you're a stupid duty head argument. I don't even know what a reputation would look like. So, guilty. And next up in headlines south dakota heard about west virginia trying to woo a bunch of bigots into arguably the worst state in the country and they decided to get

into that argument it's a it's a weird competition and it looks looks like South Dakota's new selling point is HB 1215, a new bill that would very literally dehumanize the entire LGBT community. And they're also working on HB 1057 that would potentially jail doctors who provide medical care to kids who are trans. It's truly disgusting what's happening right now. kids who are trans it's truly disgusting what's happening right now like we've been doing a weekly show about pure evil for years and this was jarring yeah no right like imagine a fucking ray comfort documentary that wanted to be a law yeah or like schoolhouse rocks i'm just a bill but it's a sign from the westboro baptist church yes exactly so um here's how this

clearly happened some garbage person in the south dakota state house was like all right fun thing for today everybody name stuff that gay people do and they made a giant list and then just a thing that says no none of this circle crossed through it. That's their law. The new rules would include the following. This is serious. First up, no marriage. That's not one man and one woman, not surprisingly.

And they also will not give benefits to anyone who doesn't fit into that biblical definition of marriage. Yeah, by part one, the supreme court doesn't count anymore yeah p.s we just realized how many of us are divorced shit yeah next up sexual orientation is officially a legal basis for discrimination in south dakota so no making local laws that would take that off of our list of legal prejudice reasons which to be clear is a list that we have and are fighting to protect yes yep another rule the state is not allowed to recognize a person's belief about anything trans related including their own guys i think i found a loophole they might get us out of this whole thing

idiots and then here's here's the last one for you this was not an exhaustive list by the way but here's the last one i want to highlight yeah against all odds this one might might even be more offensive than the rest of them this is the rule to ban any gay stuff that you know they might have missed in their stupid fucking brainstorming thing. Exact words. The state may not condone or affirm homosexual, transgender, zoophilia, objectophilia, polygamy, or sexual orientation doctrines. Yeah. Right. Yeah, I know.

What will these gays want to fuck next would literally be enshrined in their goddamn laws if this passed terrible it really tells you something when people try to pass a law that they like wouldn't read aloud to your face because they'd know you'd punch them already already wow you're fast and in putting the cock and ass back in caucus news tonight, I know the media will tell you that somebody won the Iowa caucuses eventually. I left that blank, assuming by the time we recorded this shit, on Wednesday afternoon they'd have made a definitive call, but no. PDB.

Yeah, so I'm going to go ahead and announce my own winner. It's not one of the candidates. Instead, the gold medal for the night goes to caucus precinct captain for not quite a mayor, Pete. Nikki Vanderheever, who is the protagonist in a viral video where every woman who ever unapologetically blocked your way at a Walmart aisle learned that Pete Buttigieg was gay after she caucused for him. This is amazing. And she was not happy about it. Oh, just wait till she hears he's Christian. She's in for a real shock.

Yeah. So, okay, so if you haven't seen the video, I encourage you to watch it because, A, it's fucking hilarious, and, B, the mainstream media isn't doing as good a job underscoring the source of the homophobia as they should. And to be clear, the unnamed bigot in the video doesn't mince words or anything. The word Bible comes up four times in two minutes,

two more times if you count the times it was reduced to a pronoun. The good guy was saying, but you know, regardless of who he loves, Pete is a human being. And the bad guy was saying, no, nuh-uh, because the Bible. And that was the whole goddamn thing.

That and her hilariously demanding, didn't know why nobody has mentioned this Pete being gay thing up until now. And can I just say there could not be a better distillation of the Iowa caucus than this video. Right. You got three white people standing around while one of them coyly brags about her bigotry being dwarfed only by her ignorance but everyone's unsure about whether or not she can call backsies because of it yep yeah exactly exactly oh perfect microcosm right there and far be it from me to give this poor precinct captain any shit she didn't drop kick the scut and that's better than i would have done but throughout the exchange vanderhever repeatedly says shit like,

I totally respect your viewpoint on this and I'm not trying to tell you to think otherwise and that's the fucking problem. Right? The problem is that a person can express a view this fucking toxic in public and people's immediate reaction is to respect their viewpoint and not try to tell them to think otherwise.

Still, the fucking chick should get a gold medal or something. Yeah, absolutely. All right. And finally tonight, we have some news about Kobe Bryant. Okay. Hillary Clinton. And the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

Thanks to Christian TV host Chris McDonald and his expert guest Corey Daniel we learned how all that stuff ties together during the latest episode of the Mac Files formerly Filey McFile face yup

so turns out Kobe Bryant was killed as part of a ritual sacrifice by a covenant with Illuminati witches. That's run by Hillary Clinton. Of course. And the only reason we found out about this is because Hillary was using the magical biblical power of the number 42.

And she forgot to not include references to that number all over the evil plot. They always forget not to leave public facing clues they do they do it's it gets them every time well the cheese and uh this part i had to figure out on my own using my uh rolling pane of glass that i use for conspiracy math that i roll around and do math on based on my calculations the whole thing was funded by pete budaj in order to rig the Iowa caucuses against Bernie Sanders. But that is a whole nother story. For now, all you need to know is that Hillary used evil 42 magic to murder Kobe Bryant.

And now she waits, I guess. I feel like that is not all I need to know. Also, Keith, be honest. You did not figure that out on your own. Twitter definitely helped that last thing. They did. I will explain how Twitter was vital in this investigation. So you might be wondering,

Keith, why are your ears bleeding? And that's a reasonable question. It is because I got sucked into this fucking rabbit hole and ended up watching a two-hour explanation of occult numerology by Corey Daniel. He was the guest on the Mac Files. He also runs a very important website called the Phoenix Enigma. It is the only website devoted to, quote, decoding and reverse engineering the esoteric symbolism embedded within the city of Phoenix, Arizona, by examining Freemasonry, physics, sacred geometry, numerology, gematria, politics, architecture, and ancient religions. Of course, those are the sciences which form the foundations of the institutions of civilization. End real quote. I'm going to set the over under on number of fonts used on this website at seven.

I will take the over. It's actually just one, believe it or not. But when he talks, he talks in like 19 fonts. You'll see. Okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah. He also works at a hotel.

He's a concierge. And using that knowledge for the stuff embedded within the city of Phoenix, he de-occulted the death of Kobe Bryant. A guy named at.noso wrote a tweet in 2012 that said, 52,000 minus 10,000 divided by 1,000 equals 42. And as we all know, Kobe was number 24 on the Lakers. 42 backwards. What? Excuse me while I tweet some random predictions about celebrity deaths in hopes of one day making it onto the McFiles. All right.

You guys ready for clue number two? Sure. Okay. Here it is. The number 42 is found 13 times in the Bible. No, it's not. And the final reference is from the book of Revelation when we learned that the Antichrist is going to take over in the end times and rule for exactly 42 months. And 42 is six times seven, as we all know. Meanwhile, six plus seven, 13.

That's all established. You guys are with me. But how does Hillary Clinton tie in? You're probably wondering. And that's the question we got from Chris McDonald because he is a good skeptic host. He jumped in here and said quote, okay,

so we all know that it's pretty much a given that Hillary Clinton's a witch. Can a witch cast a spell on something like this to cause death? I personally don't know anything about this stuff. You do, Corey. Do you think Hillary would be able to do it if she wanted to do it?

End quote. And Corey responded, yes, but she wouldn't use her spells to make all this stuff happen. She'd make a bee fly into the helicopter and distract the pilot and that would cause the crash and kill Kobe Bryant. So, that's why my ears are bleeding, everybody. There you go.

Alright, here we go. I feel like you would need a witch magic thing for that. You would need a bee, right? You would just need a bee. That's true. Hey hey apropos of nothing do you guys know if mitch mcconnell ever rides around in a helicopter and where and exactly when not related to anything we've been talking about i just want to know because i have a b guy just also i do have a b guy no we do have a b guy yeah

this might seem like a whole bunch of crazy nonsense from crazy people but that's the end of my thought that being said millions of seriously otherwise sane people or you know what i'm saying millions of people were really convinced four years ago that hillary clinton is part of a pedophile murder syndicate that operates out of a fuck dungeon under a pizza place. And that theory didn't even have any math to back it up. Yeah, I'm going to disagree with you on the otherwise sane bit, but okay. But seriously, so many people, some of those same people to this day believe that or believe ridiculous murder conspiracies about Hillary Clinton. to this day believe that or believe ridiculous murder conspiracies about Hillary Clinton.

So whenever your friends start talking about, you know, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg and Liz Warren and Joe Biden finding horcruxes inside of Native American fetuses that they're eating, make those people watch this video and make them explain how it's different than their theory, because it's fucking not. And now that you have your marching orders, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abortion Band. What? No. When we come back, the Bible will get even judgier than usual. Hi, I'm Noah Lujans. I'm Heath Enright.

And I'm Eli Bosnick. You know, here at The Scathing Atheist, we don't like to brag, but we perform a lot of invaluable services to the secular community. Like providing a mascot in the form of a Pug-a-Peg-a-Corn from Brooklyn. Or reading holy books and apologetics books so you don't have to. Which is why we wanted to take a moment to tell you we're glad Rush Limbaugh has lung cancer.

We're glad Rush Limbaugh has lung cancer. Yes, while the so-called adults are saying the mature thing about not wishing ill on anybody and other you know, nobody deserves some suchery in general. We don't have to do that.

No, we don't. So please, listeners, feel very welcome to join us in thoroughly celebrating Rush Limbaugh's terminal cancer diagnosis, because you deserve it. And more importantly, so does he. Feels good. Really good. And now, back to the show. Certainly, so does he. Feels good. Really good. And now, back to the show. Excuse me, sir.

Sir, can you spare some change, please? Yeah, spare a little change. Change. Heath, Eli, what are you guys doing? Oh, hey, Noah. We're just trying to save up some money to mail our Patreon rewards. Can you believe that posted rates went up again? Again?

Yeah. Well, why don't you guys just use stamps.com? Oh, what's stamps.com? Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer. Whether you're a small office sending invoices or an online retailer shipping out products or even a warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Okay, that sounds convenient, but how's it going to save us money? Well, I'm glad you asked, Eli. With Stamps.com, you save five cents off of every first-class stamp and up to 40% off shipping rates. That kind of savings really adds

up, especially for small businesses. It does. Right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and the digital scale without any long-term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com. Enter scathing. Alright, I'm sold. So, let's go home, I guess, right?

Eli, are you coming? Oh, no. I'm out here because I'm about to have a kid. Right. Right. Smart, though. Keep at it. You guys have any change? No. When Eli first suggested we go back through the Bible skit style, I warned him that would take literally the rest of his life. And as we enter the sixth of the Bible's 66 books, 98 episodes later, he's starting to believe me,

but it's too late to back out now. So we're excited to crack open the book of Judges for this week's edition of Bible Beast Theater. So is there like a magic word or something like that? Dude, I don't know. Why didn't you just ask Joshua? Uh, because he might have murdered me. Okay, yeah, no, that's fair. Yeah.

Okay, um, ahem. Um, Mr. God? God? You rang? Uh, yeah, we were wondering, now that Joshua's gone... Did you guys get that? It's Lurch. That was Lurch.

No, we got it. Yep. Adam's family. Adam's family. Great show. Yeah. It is a great show. Eventually, sure.

So, anyway, now that Joshua's gone, who do we use to fight the Canaanites? Oh, right. Yeah, J-Dog. Judah. Me? No, the other Judah. Okay, but like, Simeon should come with me, right? Simeon, you'll come, right?

Oh. Ah. I got a lot of... What? What do you have? Sheep. Sheep? Stuff. Sheep stuff? What? What do you ask? Sheep. Sheep? Stuff. Sheep stuff? Really? That's the excuse?

Okay, fine, I'll come. Great, this worked out great. And the Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand, and they slew of them in Bezik ten thousand men. And they found Adonabezek, king of the Canaanites in Bezic and they pursued after him and caught him and cut off his thumbs and his great toes.

Seriously you guys are going to ruin my smash game. Your smash game? The Smash Brothers. Super Smash Brothers. Exactly. Now I'm going to have to main Fox McCloud because of this. Ugh. That is rough.

I know, right? Ugh. Pain in the ass. Upside, you have great toes. Thank you. No, guys. Guys, great toes means the big toe. We cut off his big toes.

Oh. Well, still. Again? Again, thank you. Yes, you're welcome, still. And from thence he went against the inhabitants of Debir, and in the name of

Debir before was Kerjathsefer. And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kerjathsefer and Caleb said he that smiteth Kerjathsefer and taketh it to him will I give Ashash my daughter to wife and Othniel the son of Kenaz

Caleb's younger daughter ticket and he gave him Ashash the daughter to wife and their children were Kormajamil Swiggy Swiggy and 10 to the 364th power in japanese but backwards eli how many of these are real all the ones before the kids i hate this fucking book um hello uh god yeah judah what's up? Um, who are you? I'm Sarah.

I'm, uh, well, I'm kind of an executive assistant. I'm in between titles right now. It's not important. Right. Well, um, we're about to attack the Canaanites in the south. Just wanted to make sure we had God's support to kill them all and stuff like that. He's cool with that, right? Oh!

No can do, broski. I'm afraid the chariots of iron are no bueno. Wait, um, you're saying God can't help us win because the Canaanites in the south have iron chariots?

That is correct. Okay. Well, yeah, that's disappointing. Well, good to know, I guess. Yeah, send F in the chat and all that, you know. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Don't really know how Eli does this two voice thing with himself. It's weird. Yeah, well, maybe if you learn a second accent, am I right? Like two would be great. Ha, yeah. Good one. Good one, Sarah.

You're the smart and funny one. Thank you, Sarah. I'm gonna be Sanders. Thank you. Peace. Okay, sorry. Sorry. And then, sure enough, bam!

Ball gets me free two-day shipping. Wow, that does sound good. Right? Attention! Attention! Um, can I have your attention, please? Hi, Angel of God here. Got a message from God of the universe?

Yeah, thank you. So, what's the deal with not destroying all the altars of the people you killed? That is not cool. What did we say? Um, we're sorry? Damn right you're sorry. Really leaving God with no choice but to sell you to your enemies. He's gonna do that.

Wait, hold on. What? Okay, but don't worry. He's appointed, like, really, like, really good judges to get everyone on his side out of trouble. Really good judges? Yeah, so don't worry about the selling you to foreign powers thing as much. He's gonna make it all okay with his fantastic judges.

Oh, hell, there's no way this is in the book. It's just too spot on. All in the book, almost word for word, including what I'm saying right now. Yeah, next thing you're going to tell me that God doesn't want us to call witnesses. Oh, so, um, here's the thing about that. Therefore, the anger of the Lord was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hands of Chushan Shishurayim, king of Mesopotamia. Eli, what did we say about the fake name thing?

That one is real. Is it? Really? Yeah, man. Oh. This book is fucking stupid. Right? And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the Lord,

and the Lord strengthened Eglon, the king of Moab, against Israel. But when the children of Israel cried unto the Lord, the Lord raised them up a deliverer, Ehud. Hello, I am Ehud. And Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges of a cubit length, and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. Wait, hold on a second. I have a foot and a half long dagger hidden right next to my balls.

Yeah, you're going to need to walk super slow with that. All right, that's noted. Hi, uh, Eglin? King of the Canaanites? Yes. Um, yeah. Ehud is here to see you. Who's that? Uh, I don't know, it's some guy with a present.

I love presents, send him in. And he brought the present unto Eglon, king of Moab, and Eglon was a very fat man. Mean. Don't blame me, it's in the book. Still. Hello, King Eglon was a very fat man. Mean. Don't blame me. It's in the book. Still. Hello, King Eglon. Um, I have a message for you from God. Oh, awesome.

Cool. What is it? Uh, actually, could, um, could all your servants and guards, uh, leave? Oh, it's like a, like a secret message from God? Oh, precisely. Exactly. Okay, everyone, you heard him. Just move it out. Everyone out. Really? Your Highness, this guy literally just now... You just want to hear my secret message from God!

Okay. Okay. Now, how about that secret God message? Uh, you know what? Let's go into your inner chamber, where there aren't so many, uh, witnesses. Oh, that sounds good. Sure thing. I'll stop you. Oh, no!

Oh! A guy does not shit himself to death in the Bible. He does. He really does, though. Yep. Let me see that. Let me see that. And the dirt came out.

Mm-hmm. Wow. A guy gets stabbed so hard he shits himself in the Bible. Yep. Yep. Told you. Okay, so the Bible's not all bad. I guess not, actually.

That's fair. Yep. That's a good part. I enjoy that part. Hey, uh, Ehud, right? Oh, yes. Uh, Eglon's servant. Uh, what can I do for you?

Yeah, uh, we heard a really loud, long, like, unhealthy shitting noise in the king's room. Just want to make sure everything's okay. Oh, about that. He's just covering his feet. Okay, what does that mean? It means taking a shit. Because you shit on your feet? Is it because they shit on their feet?

It was more like, you know, when you went to places that people shit, you'd want to cover your feet because people just shit everywhere. So, sorry, just to be clear, the authors of what a tremendous percentage of full-grown adults think is a good moral code shat all over the place so often

they had turns of phrase about that. Yes. Correct. Yep, that's it. Book is the best. It is. Oh, covering his feet, huh? Okay. Oh, aye. Really

covering his feet, if you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it. Well, I'm just gonna go that way and, uh... You're gonna take off? Okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Man, he's been in there for a while.

Yeah, yeah, he has. Like, a while. You, um... You wanna check? Yeah, we should check. I feel like we should check. Okay. King Eglon!

You okay in here? You okay, buddy? We're just wondering. Oh! Gross. Someone stabbed him so hard he shit himself. Oh, yeah. That is accurate. What you said. I'm gonna be sick. I bet it was that Ehud guy.

How are you so calm? Oh, uh, I once used the bathroom after Eli Bosnick. Oh, that tracks. Yeah. Hey, great killing today, Ehud. Good stuff. Oh, why, thank you.

You the same. Yeah, uh, can I tell you the weird part of today, though? Weird part? What's that? Yeah, yeah, the weird part. Um, all the boners. Oh, all the boners. Yes. Thank you.

Oh, I thought that was weird, too. Hi, I'm Shamgar. I killed 600 men with an ox goad. Oh, hello. What's an ox goad? It's like a sharp stick that you use to herd cattle. So, similar to a spear. It's similar to a stick that you use to herd cattle. So similar to a spear. It's similar to a spear, yes. Cool.

Cool. That's super cool. Just want to make sure that got into the book. No, it made it. All right. It's in. And lo, when Ehud died, the Israeli people once again did evil in the sight of the Lord, because they lacked

object permanence, I guess, and so God delivered them into the hands of their enemies again. But soon, there rose a new leader of the Jews to free them. Hi, you must be the newest leader of the Jews? leader of the juice that's me okay now is it deborah or deborah no idea there's like 45 pages of people fighting about it on the internet go nuts sounds good can you send me barack i have some prophetess stuff for him that sounds good yes hello deb Debra. Great to be here. Ooh, do we want to have Heath do the voice of Barack Obama? What? That was a pretty good impression. Yeah, he nailed it on the first try. He's really good at that.

Thank you. Yeah, no, he is. But, you know, white guy doing a black voice, kind of audio blackface. It's not audio blackface. It's a celebrity impression he happens to be a black voice, kind of audio blackface. It's not audio blackface. It's a celebrity impression. He happens to be a black person. Is it audio blackface when you do Ben Carson? I mean, yeah, but

only because I also wear the makeup. And we've asked you to stop. Multiple times. No. Anyway, God wants you to take 10,000 men and go defeat Sisera. Okay, not a problem. The road ahead may be long.

The climb may be steep. But I believe that together we can defeat Cicero. Hey, Barack. Yes, Deborah. I miss you. I know you do. I miss you too, boo. Babe, Jail, have you seen my good tent pegs? Check the clay pots.

They're all clay pots. They don't even make pots that aren't made of clay, babe. Did you check all of them? No. Okay, I found them. Were they in the clay pots? Yes. Why are we pitching our tent here anyways? I want to watch the Jews fight Sisera. You know, I'm related to Moses' father-in-law.

Moses' father-in-law, yes. You told me it 10,000 times. Fine. And Sisera gathered together all his chariots, even 900 chariots of iron, and all the people that were with him, from Harosheth of the Gentiles upon the river of Kishon. But the Lord sowed confusion among Sisera and all his chariots and all his host, and

they fell before Barak's blade. People of Mount Tabor, I, Sisera, your king, have brought you all to defeat these Jews once and for all. We are many in number, and our chariots are of iron. We shall not be defeated. Hooray! Never defeated! Okay, everyone.

Iowa caucus, go. I'm stabbing myself in my eye! Murder, murder, murder, murder! I can't see! That was fucking crazy. Really need to switch to a ranked voting army system. Yeah, I hear that. Oh, fuck, I didn't notice you were there. Who are you?

I'm Jael, wife of Hebron. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, I'm Cicero, wife of Hebron. Uh, cool, cool, cool, cool. Uh, I'm Cicero, um, king of the, uh... Well, I was king. Um, can I hide in your tent? Um, sure. If anyone comes by and asks for me,

don't tell them I'm here. Yep, that's what hiding is. Okay, cool. Uh, can I have some milk in a blankie? Yes, you can have some milk in a blankie in the Bible. Awesome. Uh, excuse me, miss. Uh, have you seen King Sisera?

Have I? Take a look at this. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I drove a spike through his temple. How you like that? Well, uh, honestly, it's, uh, kind of gross. What? Oh, come on, man. It's the Bible. We literally just cut off a dude's thumbs and toes in this book. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It comes off kind of, uh, aggressive. Can I say aggressive? Oh, bite me.

Babe, why is there blood all over the tent? Because I nailed a guy to the floor in there, okay? Okay. Hi. Hi, I'm Hebron, a relative of Moses' father-in-law. Hello. I'm Brock. Oh, cool. I miss you. I know you do.

I miss you too, boo. Alright, well, if there's one thing you can always count on the Bible to provide, it's more words later. So we'll be back in a month with even more Bible Peace Theater. Before we hang this episode out to dry, I want to offer you guys Lucinda's apologies for missing a second week.

She misses you too. And hopefully she'll be back next week. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be able to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously this episode would feel empty inside if i neglected to thank heath henry for being the jelly in the donut lucinda illusions for being the tootsie

roll center and the tootsie pop eli bosnick for being the hot in the pocket. Don Ford for being the voice in the fantasy and adventure. And Marie Delafont from the Everyone's Autonomous podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth Quoteless Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to hear more from the perspective of an ex-Fundie that dug her way out, you'll find a link to her podcast on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Alistair Conrad, Rebecca Adesarek, Butter Katie Tossable,bian, Doubting Thomas, Melvin, Greg, and Grassy No Man. Alistair Conrad and Rebecca, who are so smart even random bystanders can see the floating equations when they think.

Adeseric, Butter, Katie, and Tossable Lesbian, who are so sexy Franklin Graham mistook them for the Super Bowl halftime show. And Doubting Thomas, Melvin, Greg, and Grassy No Man, whose badassery is so high class their kick-ass comes in bottles. and grassy no man whose badassery is so high class their kick ass comes in bottles together these 11 people dairy products conspirators aerodynamic sexual orientations and stigmata fingerers preserved our podcast for another generation of house flies by giving us money not everybody has the wit and wisdom it takes to give us money but if you think you're up to the challenge you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist whereby you'll earn early access to an extended app free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingideous.com and if you'd like to help but your money is too hot for us to handle you can also make a difference by giving us a five-star review liking our Facebook page and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres Tim Robinson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Spartan Clark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode

which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingideast.com. Hello, Deborah. Sorry, let me warm up, Brock. Hello. Hello. I got it.

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