The Scathing Atheist - 367: My Corona Edition

Episode Date: February 27, 2020

In this week’s episode, the Rocket Man will prove that THAT piece of ground was flat for sure, we learn that Boy Scout leaders knew way too much about balloon knots, and the Trump administration will combat coronavirus by drinking American beer. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: The death of rocket guy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/23/man-who-launched-himself-in-rocket-to-prove-earth-is-flat-dies-in-crash-landing/ Boy Scouts file for bankruptcy: https://www.cnn.com/2020/02/18/us/boy-scouts-bankruptcy/index.html Students Protest After Catholic School Fires Teachers in Same-Sex Relationships: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/19/students-protest-after-catholic-school-fires-teachers-in-same-sex-relationships/ Utah Polygamy Bill Decriminalizes Plural Marriage Between Consenting Adults: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/20/utah-polygamy-bill-decriminalizes-plural-marriage-between-consenting-adults/ Jason Rapert gets owned on his own stupid Twitter poll: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/19/christian-group-blames-atheists-and-satanists-for-tilting-disingenuous-survey/ Dave Daubenmire Says the Halftime Show Opened a Portal and Infected Him With a Virus: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/14/dave-daubenmire-the-halftime-show-opened-a-portal-and-infected-me-with-a-virus/ Rick Wiles says Coronavirus is because China doesn’t love Jesus enough: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/25/rick-wiles-the-coronavirus-crisis-will-end-if-china-accepts-jesus/ ad Indonesia to combat coronavirus using god: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/24/indonesia-will-rely-on-the-almighty-to-fight-coronavirus-health-minister-says/ --- This Week in Misogyny: TN GOP Lawmaker Says Tampons Can’t Be Tax-Free or Else Women Will Hoard Them https://apnews.com/e14a6b531799cc289e96b9eb7b43a436 Women who cook while menstruating will be born as dogs, apparently: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/25/women-who-cook-while-menstruating-will-be-reborn-as-dogs-hindu-leader-says/ Hindu School Students Forced to Strip to Prove They Weren’t Menstruating https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/15/hindu-girls-school-students-forced-to-strip-to-prove-they-werent-menstruating/

Warning, the following podcast contains offensiveness distilled down to its purest form. Also, naughty words. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. And by D&D Minus, now on Patreon. Listen to the first five episodes plus a behind-the-scenes Q&A by giving us your money right now at patreon.com forward slash D&D Minus, all spelled out. D&D Minus, someone shits themselves doing a backflip. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Chris, and I'm just a guy who loves science, and I'm here to declare the earth is a globe, the climate is changing dramatically,

we did land men on the moon, vaccines are safe and effective, chemtrails are just ice crystals, and we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men and women. It's Thursday. It's February 27th. And it's Pokemon Day. Pikachu. Damn right. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Kellyanne Conway's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the Rocket Man will prove that that piece of ground was flat for sure. We learn that Boy Scout leaders knew way too much about balloon knots. And the Trump administration will combat coronavirus by drinking American beer. But first, the diatribe. When I was a kid, I had fantasies that I was going to save the world. I mean, I guess anybody who grew up so immersed in superhero culture is bound to concoct scenarios where some skill of theirs was the one thing standing between Earth and certain destruction. But I did it with gusto. Anytime I got good at anything, I found myself trying to craft a daydream where that particular skill would be the deciding factor in the ultimate battle for human survival.

Every video game I mastered was a last starfighter-esque trial. And just around every corner, there was some arch villain who was just about to cry out, I will blow the earth score right now unless somebody can nail the main guitar riff from Sweet Child of Mine. But as I grew older, I started to doubt that the world would ever provide me with an opportunity to prove that heroism. I came to dismiss all of those flights of imagination as the fanciful musings of a child and resigned myself to a world that would be quite capable of surviving without me. But then now happened. Right. Look, I don't know why you became a skeptic. I don't know why I became a skeptic. quite capable of surviving without me. But then now happened. Right? Look, I don't know why you became a skeptic.

I don't know why I became a skeptic. I guess in some small way, it was because we did want to save the world, right? We wanted to save it from wasting its money on homeopathy or wasting its time on prayer, hardly befitting of Superman, but damn it, it's the heroism that we could offer. And now it's become so goddamn much more than that.

Right now, it literally is the only thing standing between us and global disaster. The skeptics really are the superheroes now. And we're being called upon to face off against the closest thing to a supervillain that the world has to offer. And the stakes, I shit you not, are truth, justice, and the American way. I mean, consider what's actually happening right now. Credulity has been weaponized by a hostile foreign power. Vladimir Putin, a man who plays hockey the way the Queen of Hearts plays croquet, a man who employs chemists to find ways of turning his enemies blue, a man who couldn't be more cartoonishly evil

without a Persian cat to absently stroke as he monologues about the inevitability of our demise studied the blueprints of democracy and found a weak spot. So he gathered together a group of minions who linguistic convention as though it were paving the way for a fantasy story metaphor

this whole fucking time has dubbed trolls and set them to work against our kingdom of course all the systems and institutions that would normally take care of this kind of shit are turning a blind eye to it the federal government beholden as it is to the bad guy is slow walking any effort to safeguard democracy the traditional arbiters of social discourse have been antiquated by social media companies that approve of a medium amount of lying. Hell, we even broke down and fired the impeachment cannon at this problem and the shell just bounced right the fuck off of it. It would seem at a glance that nothing is standing in the way of bullshit's ultimate victory.

But unbeknownst to most, an elite group has been training for years battling exactly this enemy. The blade in their hand is Occam's razor and Occam's razor glows blue in the presence of trolls. We didn't know what we were preparing for, but it doesn't matter now. We might not be the hero Gotham deserves, but damn it if we're not the one it needs right now. It needs people who know how to fact check a news item on the fly. It needs people who know how to discern between conspiracy theories and legitimate connections. And most of all, it needs people who know how to engage with the victims of disinformation and convince them of the truth. And whether you've been practicing against flat earthers, anti-vaxxers, creationists,

or climate change deniers, You've been honing the only skill that can save democracy, and it's time for you to be a fucking superhero. Now, to be perfectly honest, I'm a little disappointed on how we're doing so far, right? I've seen an awful lot of self-identified skeptics already on social media engaging in some pretty batshit crazy conspiracy thinking. As soon as the results were late coming in from the Iowa caucuses, I saw a lot of people violating the ever-loving fuck out of all the principles of good skepticism

to craft or promote silly theories of dark forces and shit. Right? And more recently, I've seen a lot of so-called rationalists sharing math that can be debunked with half a Google. I've seen online exchanges on pages devoted to skepticism that employ every logical fallacy I could name with a gun to my head. In other words, I've seen a lot of people wearing the label skeptic without exactly earning it.

And the problem most of the time is hubris. Right? If you think you're too smart to be fooled, you're wrong. And you're not as smart as you think. Nobody's too smart to be fooled. You can employ a more or less foolproof process to verify shit, but you're only as good as your adherence to that process you know we have a tendency to think of misinformation as being these ridiculous conspiracy theories about hillary clinton's satanic child prostitution ping pong parlor but this shit runs the full spectrum of

sophistication right there's plenty of bullshit that will pass the smell test unless you're betting the information or the source you will get fooled and we can't afford that shit because we need to be part of the solution we already have enough problems there's still time for us to win this fight right we need skeptics in it for the long haul because the closer we get to election day the more tiresome and difficult this is going to get. At a certain point, we're all going to want to check out and leave the social media conversations to the trolls. But we have to fight this one out. There is too much at stake here. This is the biggest test that skepticism has ever faced. And if we fuck it up bad enough, it'll turn out to have been our final exam. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. joining me for headlines tonight are the liver and algorithm i rigger heath enright and eli

bosnick fellas are you ready to knock them dead yeah i think i might have cirrhosis of the liver mortis pretty sure whereas i okay you know what that's on me for the setup that is yeah you did Whereas I... Okay, you know what? That's on me for the setup. That is on you. You did say knock them dead. All right. In our lead story tonight,

in It Is Rocket Science News, Mike Hughes, Mad Mike Hughes, the flat-earther rocket man, died in the least ironic way possible this weekend. He crashed his rocket into the round earth. Hughes was inside his homemade rocket, hoping to fly approximately super duper high and prove that the earth is flat. and prove that the Earth is flat. And thanks to his theory that gravity doesn't exist,

he was thinking, it's going to be a long, long time before touchdown brings me around. Turns out it was more like 18 seconds. Sadly, the one accurate piece of rocket science in Elton John's song was, all this science I don't understand. Well, and quick to all the people who are thinking wait you guys aren't actually gonna joke about that man's death are you hi welcome to our show eli's the wacky one thank you it's his tall great great i'm doing well all right so here's a here a little back story in case anyone missed it

Mike Hughes was a limo driver slash non-Euclidean rocket engineer and in 2018 he's successfully launched a rocket I'm reading articles that keep using that word successfully

I don't think it means what they think it means regardless he launched one of his homemade rockets articles that keep using that word successfully, I don't think it means what they think it means. Regardless, he launched one of his homemade rockets about 2,000 feet in the air in 2018 before whatever that down pulley stuff, not called gravity, took over, and he seriously injured his spine in a crash landing. And in his defense, if you go 2,000 feet in the air, you'll get pretty good

visual confirmation that the Earth is flat. But then somebody explained that you need to go about 35,000 feet to see the alleged curvature of the Earth. So this time, Hughes was planning to fly about 5,000 feet up.

What? Science. Alright, hear me out I'm gonna fill my butt with Mentos and Diet Coke Step 2 I am NASA now So just in case any other flat earthers out there

feel like there's more science to do I have a few notes for you. First of all, 5,000 feet is less than a mile. There you go. And there are just so many places with more elevation than a mile that don't require a Wile E. Coyote device to get there. Denver, for example, The whole goddamn city. It's named. It's right in the... It's real.

Clear. But if you do insist on building another Acme rocket, maybe don't go for the steam-powered model. Like Mike Hughes. Pretty sure we're all settled on rocket fuel as the best fuel for rockets. Again, right there in the name. Again, it're all settled on rocket fuel is the best fuel for rockets.

Again, right there in the name. Again, it's just right on the nose. But most importantly, get a fucking camera with a delay timer and stay on the ground. What do you do? Why is he going in that rocket? Like, don't worry about getting the F-stop settings for better lighting or getting a sweet selfie for Insta. And when your photo comes back as rectangle, please contact Michael Marshall at Mr. M. Marsh.

So you can create your findings to the world of skeptics. We can't wait to hear about your rectangular proof of the flatter. And in Boy Scout of money news tonight the boy scouts of america filed for bankruptcy last week because they fucked way way too many kids yep now to be clear the number of kids that is way way too many to fuck is one but it's estimated that more than 7 800 of its former leaders were involved in sexually abusing more than 12,000 children over the course of their 72-year history. Yeah, that's the worst badge. It was really in poor taste.

Yeah, cool, cool. Just doing some quick math in my head. That means the Catholic Church is bankrupt eight bajillion times. Yep, it sure is. Donald Trump level of bankruptcy. Yeah. So over the last couple of years, thanks mostly to laws

which end the statutes of limitations on kid fucking because that's a crazy fucking horrible statute of limitations to have. The Boy Scouts have listed liabilities between $100 million and $500 million in kid fucking lawsuits. And so rather than go through have the boy scouts have listed liabilities between 100 million and 500 million dollars in kid fucking lawsuits and so rather than go through all the hassle of trials and stuff they're

just declaring bankruptcy like michael scott so that literally all the people they fucked as kids can gather around and get the money they're owed out of a giant bankruptcy bag. It's unclear. Cool. Yeah, and I'm sure the bag is tied shut with an obnoxiously good knot. Great. No knots are extra good. They're all knots.

Sorry. Sorry. It's a different hill I want to die on, but I will fight that to the death. Anyways, look, we should acknowledge that there are people out there who view the decline of the Boy Scouts as a great loss and those people are wrong yep the boy scouts ended their anti-discrimination policy against gay people five years ago yep they allowed trans kids to join three years ago and they still don't let you join if you're an atheist or an agnostic yeah right to be clear they've been repealing their bigotry like they were in a heated negotiation against decency.

Right. They were like sliding pieces of paper with ever fewer ethnic slurs on them across the table. That being said, if you're looking for an inclusive educational group that teaches important values to children, they're called the Girl Scouts, and their cookies are fucking delicious. My freezer is currently full of Thin Mints. I might get a dedicated second freezer for these. And my freezer is full of Girl Scouts, so there you have it. We're big fans all around here.

Andrew asked me not to leave that in. Are they selling any Thin Mints? I need some more. But normally, students are anti-test news tonight. Students at Kennedy Catholic High School in Seattle, Washington, staged a walkout last Tuesday in protest of the school's policy of anti-LGBTQ bigotry. This came in response to the firing of two male teachers who elected to marry one another despite their collective lack of a vagina. Because when Christ called upon his followers to love one another he didn't mean mouth stuff apparently this is like hey mr superintendent we actually fixed it um we obtained a collective vagina so now it's a straight marriage no still a giant bigot cool great what no you can't use

the collective vagina this is the worst meeting but students who had apparently noticed that gay numbers add and subtract just the same as straight ones weren't buying the school's justification and made that obvious with not one but two protests in the days after the firings good for these kids that said if any of those kids are listening i've got some bad news about the organization behind your school yeah you're really really not gonna like it also welcome heath is our wild card thank you all right so if you still need evidence that this is about bigotry and not religion in so much as those two things can be separated it's worth noting that the school lied about the firing and told the student body that the two men voluntarily resigned.

Lying is also against their religion, right? Like, it's in the top ten. The gay thing isn't. Divorce and masturbation, wearing a mixed fabric, all of that shit is against their religion, and strangely enough, nobody's been fired for that. Weird that none of their employees ever masturbated or wore mixed fibers. Donna Martin masturbates.

Donna Martin masturbates. There he is. That's Heath. Heath's the one with the 90210 deep cuts, everybody. 90210. Very wild cardio of him. Now, in the school's defense, after all the shit press that they got last week, the school released the two by the bell after all the shit press that they got last week the school

released the two teachers from the confidentiality agreements that they signed at the time of their so-called resignation so you know if they'd like to publicly badmouth their former employer while they're still looking for new jobs they're legally allowed to do that and the school's still defending themselves by pointing out that the teachers did technically resign but they're somewhat under emphasizing the fact that that decision came immediately on the heels of being informed that they were about to be fired. Yeah, the argument from

Richard Nixon was doing the honorable thing is not a great look. Yeah, right. Not going to work out for you. And in Polly want to live with a bunch of crackers news tonight. The hippies have done it again. Your racist uncle warned us that letting Pete Buttigieg get married

would lead us down the buttery, buttery slope to marrying animals and people by the dozen. But we didn't listen. And now polygamy has been decriminalized in that leftist utopia of Utah. The most conservative state in the union, yes. Yeah, in a feat of legal and mental gymnastics that hasn't been seen since Dick Cheney had to talk about his gay daughter.

Or explain why he would shoot a blaze orange bear in the face. Yeah, exactly. The Mormon capital of the world is one of the first states to make it not all the way illegal for consenting adults to love each other this is a weird universe it's a weird well okay but look but if they had their way the word adult would not be in that sentence so maybe that helps you like maybe that normalizes it a bit so that's the problem right the problem with this bill is that its origins are sort of in the opposite of freedom.

You know, the whole. Yeah. Chatteling of women thing. I mean, even the bill gives away the game with exceptions that are like very specifically aimed at the chatteling of women. Almost exact quote, like, just because you're married to multiple people doesn't mean you're allowed to rape any of them wow everybody just puts their hand down all right and this is compromise so yeah well this is technically a victory for the private lives of people who want to marry each other the history makes this a way way more tricky less fun story than it should be yeah right no it's like when romney voted to remove trump because the prehistoric sword-wielding native

american jews would have wanted him to mormons do the right thing in a broken clock kind of way but occasionally they do the right thing but we here at the scathing atheist we're not just here to pose hard questions no we've got solutions too the obvious answer listeners is to turn utah into a poly enclave that would make portland lock its windows think about it interesting beautiful scenery super kid friendly and if we could just get i't know, a couple hundred of our weirdest throuples and hexamorous gender-free cuddle puddles into government, we can wild, wild country the fuck out of that state. Let's do it, people. Come on, weirdos. What is a cuddle puddle? Google it.

I fell for this once before. All right. So while we set the over-under on number of multi-husband marriages it would take to get those Mormons to rethink their little law, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, ZipRecruiter. Hi, is this the interview?

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to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply to your job. You can even add screening questions to your job listing so you can filter candidates and focus on the best ones. Wait, so like I could ask how many jobs you've been fired from for locking yourself in the meat freezer? Seven, exactly. Yeah. ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Wow, that's fast. And right now, to try ZipRecruiter for free, our listeners can go to ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G.

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And I'm stealing. Okay. Stealing. I see that. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what you want. If it's a legitimate race. If it's your slot, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage. Dammit, ladies. Once again, those clever men in government have thwarted our ongoing effort to fill whole rooms with tampons like a feminine hygiene ball pit. And the motherfucker that bested us this time was a republican state senator in tennessee named joey hensley he pushed back against big tampon during a debate as to which items should be exempted in an upcoming sales tax holiday when democratic state senator brenda gilmore suggested adding

feminine hygiene products to the list hensley warned that women could use that loophole to hoard tampons and avoid taxes on them all year round, which would be the fucking point. And what would be the cost of allowing women to build tampon forts unfettered? Well, the amount raised by taxing tampons in Tennessee is about $133,000 a year out of the approximately, I don't know, $11 billion of tax revenue that the state brings in each year. So slightly over 1% of 1% of the state's income. But when it comes to cultural attitudes towards menstruation, there's a long way to fall, even from the Tennessee Valley. And personifying that point this week is a Hindu leader by the name of Krishnaswati Daji, or something that looks like that when it's spelled anyway. And he delivered a

sermon last week where he explained that women who commit the sin of cooking while menstruating will be cursed to be born in the next life as dogs. And not even cool male dogs, lady dogs. Bitches, y'all. Of course, we've talked about the insane Hindu taboos about menstruation on this segment a number of times before, often in the context of some poor girl being stuffed into a hut for it. But suffice it to say that menstruating women aren't allowed to go to temples or be in kitchens, apparently out of fear that we occasionally go all lawn sprinkler or something. And you might even have seen a reference to this in the mainstream media this week. And that's because a Hindu girls school in Gujarat, India, made headlines after a group of four female teachers

apparently made dozens of girls strip to prove that they weren't lying to get into the kitchen just because they require sustenance to live. It's at least as fucked up a story as it sounds. The group is apparently made up of girls from rural parts of the country where they have basically no access to education. They all live in a hostel on school grounds, and according to the students, quote, the principal, hostel rector, and trustees harass us regularly over the issue of menstruation. We are punished for having periods, end quote. Well, after this latest violation, the students are fighting back and threatening legal action against the school. Of course, I'm nowhere near plugged into Indian politics enough to know if that's a legitimate threat. But judging by the media attention the story is getting,

I have reason to believe India's populace is generally fed up with this antiquated bullshit. And on that preview of what we have to look forward to should Trump win in November, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and eli thank you lucinda and in assault on reason news fantastic the national association of christian lawmakers or nacl assault nailed it they were created by arkansas state senator jason raypert and they had a delightfully epic fail this week but we're already getting ahead of ourselves here. Let me start over. There's a thing called the National Association of Christian Lawmakers.

Yes. To make sure that the 90% of lawmakers in this country who are Christian have a voice and don't get persecuted. And they're named after salt. And they have no fucking idea. Clearly aren't aware of that. In your inbox right now, dear so-called atheist podcasters, for your information, salt is spelled S-A-L-T.

Yes, right, right, exactly. Yeah, so the NAACL is the religious equivalent of a white pride march. It's gross. Yes. And actually, that's a weird way of saying it. It's a white pride march. Same people.

Yep. And that includes Jason Raypert, who you might remember from a few weeks ago when he organized a crusade to literally shut down Sesame Street in the state of Arkansas. And he thought he was the good guy in that story when he did that. Well, I'm pretty sure that whole thing failed and Sesame Street went on the air with a gay actor as the guest star. So lots of kids in Arkansas are gay now. We win. And then we won again this week when Ray Baper tried to prove that America needs more Christian bigots like himself in politics by putting out a Twitter poll. He asked the Internet, would America be better off if more Christians served in elected office? And the Internet responded, quote, fuck your face.

Fuck your face. Almost immediately, there were thousands of votes. And yes, we need more Christians got about 5% while fuck your face got about 95%. Yeah, dude, when you have to let people outside of Arkansas play, democracy doesn't work out very well for you. So hell, if you let all the people in Arkansas play, it doesn't work out. No, that's true. Yeah, right. Yeah. So in response to the best backfire ever, the NACL, they go by at Christ lawmakers on Twitter.

Check them out. Well, Salt already had an ACL on Twitter. So in response, they had a meltdown and started blaming the results on Satanists and atheists. Apparently, we cheated by answering the question in the poll. Yes, right, by providing our opinion. Also known as persecution. In a follow-up tweet, the NACL said, quote, tweet the nacl said quote view the comments on this thread to see what religious persecution and anti-christian bigotry looks like in america what impotent yes yeah satanists and atheists piled on this poll and have begun leaving vile messages as well and then and then they told on us to the media. Yeah. They told on us to like mom.

They closed the tweet with at NBC, at ABC, at Sean Hannity, at Fox News, a couple other ones too. Not at CNN. No, not at CNN. Yeah. They're being persecuted by a Twitter poll that they created. being persecuted by a Twitter poll that they created. Imagine having your head so far up your ass that this is a stupid Twitter poll is bigotry and you aren't trans, you're mentally ill is not, right? That's their world.

Jesus. Yeah, and just in case it wasn't obvious, they super duper deleted that poll from Twitter, which is the ultimate Christian response. They accidentally gathered information. And then when it didn't fit their fucking narrative, they were like, ah, data. And they threw it away. Yes. Yeah, they did. Christianity in a nutshell.

And in fear boner news tonight, I got to the headlines first this week. Christianity in a nutshell and in fear boner news tonight I got to the headlines first this week and therefore was able to steal this headline before he could get to it and I could not be happier because coach Dave Dobenmeier is still

upset about the Super Bowl halftime show three weeks later. He's a little itchy. He's regretting something. But I get it. I get it. Look, this is a man who's repeatedly declared himself against mixed race marriage and masturbation,

which means he has been sporting that fear slash hatred boner for a month now. He must be exhausted. Plus a few decades before. Calling his doctor every four hours since february 3rd indeed he has so uh yeah coach dave was sadly not that honest instead he took to the air this week to complain that the halftime show could have infected him with a demonic virus he has ready for this what called latina i will never be ready for this? What? Called Latina. I will never be ready for this.

Here's the quote. He thinks coronavirus is It's just balancing a lime on his dick. Does this make it stronger or less strong? I don't know. If only it were blue moon virus i could use an orange slice so here's the quote what if there's a demonic spirit that accompanies the visual of the pornography what if that opens up what do they call it a portal yeah it's called a threshold not a threshold

sitting there watching that soft pornography dance across our TVs, what if there's a spiritual component to that? What if there's something that comes out of my screen? A fucking what? All right, well, that's settled now. Eli is definitely dressing up as J-Lo, sneaking into Coach Dave's house and crawling out of his TV like the ring. Now there's finally a good reason for that plan, Eli.

Yeah, right. No, exactly. It's like super apropos now. Before, it was a little weird, I thought. Look, Dave, if you were watching TV without wrapping your dick in aluminum foil first, this is your own damn fault, okay? It really is. Really.

But it's not just portals he's worried about. He also added, quote, what if there's some waves? Or particles even. What if there's something that comes off that video? What if there's something, waves, or some force that comes off of that? What do they call that stuff?

Dopamine? Well, I mean, it is sinusoidal dopamine demonic herpes but so he's impressively close though like he's yeah he's got part of it he concludes what if that unleashes something in my brain what if it's like really and truly infecting me with a virus like really and truly infecting me with a virus. What if it's really like that? I don't know a whole hell of a lot, Dave, but I can assure you that nothing happened in your brain.

Okay. You can pretty much cross that off your list of future concerns even. Yeah. So much, so much to break down in that quote. But not the least of which is that Coach Dave experienced happiness. That's what dopamine is. Yep, yes. For the first time while watching the Shakira J-Lo halftime show. And if we are to believe him, immediately upon feeling it, he thought,

this is a demon virus wave demon virus wave is affecting my penis in a happy way what and finally tonight in smells like quarantine spirit fantastic thank you Heath has coronavirus and has

a 1 in 50 chance or so of dying so you should probably donate to our Patreon page quick while you still can affect his quality of life. And why is America now plagued with a disease that's poised to kill more Americans this year than the helicopter that Kobe was on, maybe?

And why has God released this great plague upon his favorite nation? Well, according to spiritual epidemiologist Rick Wiles, it's because gay Jewish pronouns. That's the pattern. That's where you wanted to stay consistent. That's where he would have gone.

But no, you're close. It's because Chinese people hate Jesus. Okay. Kind of disappointing. Didn't really ramp it up at all. That's fine. It's time to call in like bigot reliever for him. I don't know. You were expecting a sinker.

He went and put it right across the plate. I think he's doing well. It's unexpected. It's with Wiles. So here's Wiles' diagnosis. Quote, You have a plague, Mr. Xi Jinping. You brought it on China. Now do the right thing and repent and tell the Chinese

people you are sorry. You made a mistake. Bite a nickel. You repent and ask them to put up in their homes the painting of Jesus Christ. Watch what happens if you do it. The plague will stop. End quote. Okay, but didn't Rick Wiles say that coronavirus was God's death angel?

Exact quote, yes. Like, that angel's going to be kind of pissed. He's going to be like, look, I got the fucking permit. I'm doing the death angel. You can take this up with the management office or whatever, but you got to get out of the way. Shows up. Okay, who put Ram's blood on their door? I just want to say this is a very old stereotype i find it incredibly offensive who did this yeah no i want to say

hostile work environment seems like a real safe bet that wiles is making there i feel like atheism wants in too so i'll tell you what china i also have a solution so while i have your attention mr zhi jing the poo if you tell all the Chinese people you're sorry, like you mean it, and you get them all to hang up a picture of my hairy asshole in their living room, I guarantee you there will be no more coronavirus. Are you not waxing? What's more, as a demonstration that my asshole is even more powerful than Jesus, waxed or unwaxed, I promise further that you also won't get any other diseases of any kind. And people will always wait for everybody to get off the elevator before they try to get on. Take that, Jesus!

Wow. I mean, Noah, you had me at getting to take pictures of your asshole while you're awake. So, I'm sold. What? Nothing. Rick Wiles. What did he say? Rick Wiles said something. Eli said he's taking pictures of your asshole. But if Rick Wiles is willing to put his money where his mouth is, I have an invitation for him and any other evangelical Christian

that isn't lying their ass off and only pretending to believe in God to maintain their legal right to bigotry. Because it turns out that Indonesia heard Wiles in advance and has elected to leave the disease prevention to God in their nation. Of course, they're Muslim, so it's the wrong God. But my point here is if the country with the largest Muslim population is going to die of a global pandemic for their God, I think it's incumbent upon Christians in the country

with the largest Christian population to dance back. Your move, Rick. Your move. And since me calling for Rick Wiles to off himself is kind of the fat lady singing in the headline segment I suppose we can close things off there Heath, Eli, thanks as always No, it's freshly waxed, asshole And when we come back, Eli will learn that

In like a lion, out like a lamb Is not a sex thing I mean, it's not just a sex thing Well, hello there I'm Floon Poff, don't you know And I'm Snedrick Ferndangle And we're here to invite you to a world of mystery and adventure, don't you know? Dude, that super sounds like butt stuff again.

What? No, it doesn't. Just tell them about the show, man. All right. D&D Minus is our new actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast. It's got adventures and battles. And a lot of poop jokes. Yes, it does have a lot of those. But it isn't just Nedrick and I. There's also Dave the Dragonborn.

Hello. And Bridget Baldestash and Klaue the Arrokokra, played by Anna Bosnick and Morgan Clark, respectively. They're not here for the recording, but I assure you they are on the show. Now, the first new episode of the show will be out for free on Friday, March 6th at 7 a.m. Eastern Time. But you can listen to those episodes plus a behind-the-scenes Dungeon Master Q&A by pledging as little as a dollar over at patreon.com slash dndminus. All spelled out on account of they won't let you use ampersands on the Patreon. That's right, patreon.com slash D and D minus.

If you love adventure, get ready to take your biggest, thickest adventure yet. How do you not hear that? Hear what? You know, never mind, man. As we approach the end of February and reflect on the fact that Leap Day pretty much by itself either disproves intelligent design or proves that God is too much of an asshat to deserve our worship, we find an entire new month's worth of religious holidays

ripe for secular appropriation. That's right, it's time for another Holiday Buffet. So, Eli, which holiday did you pick this month? I chose Purim. Oh, awesome. Jewish. What we're commemorating the time someone tried to kill the jews and failed again but not for the last time again again so yeah spoiler alert for the bible beast theater in a couple decades but the purim story is basically

a retelling of the book of Esther. So quick refresher, the Jews make God mad again, so they get taken over again, but this time by the Persians, and their king, a horse and rice. A Hasuerus? It's probably Xerxes I. Well, yeah, the thing is, though,

is that Eli's pronunciation was at least as historically accurate as the name that's in the fucking Bible. Thank you. So, Rice-a-roni, he's been king for a couple of years. He decides he's going to kidnap all the pretty ladies in the kingdom and make the prettiest one his

wife. And who should be the prettiest lady in the kingdom? But Esther, cousin of Mordecai and leader of the Jews, who just so happened to save a horse and rice's life earlier in the year meanwhile a horse and rice has just elected a new prime minister named hayman who wore a big flavor flavor idol around his neck and hated the jews what we're saying is that flavor flavor is anti-semitic i mean yes probably accurate yeah right so one day

Haman is walking around and everybody's bowing to him and stuff when he comes upon Mordecai who doesn't bow down so Haman's like alright that's it I'm gonna kill all the Jews okay feels like that was gonna happen regardless of the bowing thing yeah he was looking for a reason

he was gonna find something so Mordecai tells esther hey you got to stop the the killing of the jews plan so she throws a big feast and erects a giant gallows at that feast and she invites haman and the emperor and they party it up and maybe she fucks both of them it's not clear there's a lot of commentary that maybe she fucks either way her husband's happy he's like super happy and he's like hey thanks for the party do you want anything so she's like yeah i want something i want to have another party tomorrow night and the emperor is like that's fucking great tomorrow party love it love you and she's like cool just make sure hayman comes and hayman who she probably just

fucked is like that sounds money i'm in let's. And nobody was like, hey, just quick question. The gallows. That's for a party game. What do you know about that? To be honest, I've been standing here guessing our all goddamn day like an asshole. Nothing's happened. So next day at the party, Haman and a horse and rice are all ready to party and esther comes in and she's all like sad and not party ready and a horse and rice does that thing

where you want to fuck your wife but she's like sad about something so you care about it you want to see if you can like fix it and maybe still get laid. So he's like, oh, oh, what's the matter? And Esther's like, oh, horse and rice. Someone wants to kill me and my entire family. And the emperor is like, what? Who? I'll hang that dude on these gallows. This makes sense now.

And she's like, oh, it's Haman because I'm Jewish. Surprise. So the emperor hangs him while all the Jews go and murder his sons. Happily ever after. that's make a fucking story make a holiday about it yeah weird postscript where it's celebrated wherever there are jews so like movie studios the executive offices of newspapers that kind of stuff the deep state yeah exactly yeah when it's celebrated the 14th day of the jew month of adar unless you live within the walls of an ancient jewish city in which case it's on the 15th day of adar because it takes an extra day for purim to get through the

walls of an ancient jewish city best aspect party-based vengeance that's our fucking rallying cry for november so fuck yeah worst aspect unnecessary child murder postscript the worst kind of child murder really thank you yes how it's celebrated all right this is the best part are you ready blackout drunk halloween themed variety show with hitler cookie gift baskets okay spoilers i'm doing saint patty's day right after so let me break this down the variety show is what's known as the purim spiel according to wikipedia quote this was historically a comic dramatization that attempted to convey the saga of the Purim story. By the 18th century, in some parts of Eastern Europe,

the Purim plays had evolved into broad-ranging satires with music and dance, for which the story of Esther was little more than a pretext. End quote. Eli, if you want to do a burlesque gallows play, just ask us. Like like we'll do it without a lie about a holiday we can do that anytime we want but will noah no you don't think so shoots my ideas down all the time next up halloween yeah so according to wikipedia italian

jews probably started the tradition of dressing up a la halloween in the 15th century because they were like, why the fuck did I buy this mask if I only use it once a year and at eyes wide shut parties? But today, especially in the United States, Purim is just like second Jew Halloween. And I think we can all agree that we all need at least one more Halloween a year, at least one more. Hey, I was David Carradine in in kung fu this year i have the perfect idea for the gallows and that brings us to the hitler cookie gift baskets what are we reaching out to trump voters here maybe maybe so according to wikipedia again quote the book of esther

prescribes sending of portions one man to another and gifts to the poor. And according to the halacha, which is like Bible commentary for Jews, each adult must give at least two different foods to one person and at least two charitable donations to two poor people. This tradition has evolved in what are called minsholach marot, which is a giant basket of cookies and shit. Enter hamantaschen. Hamantaschen are triangular pear or apricot jelly-filled cookies meant to resemble the hat of Haman,

the bad guy from the Purim story. So we eat them because... Fuck that guy. Okay. But can we and should we include butter chocolate swastikas in this tradition? You bet your ass we should. I mean, little chocolate Hitlers would be adorable. Thank you.

Jewish kids biting the heads off of Hitler would be awesome. Not to mention, it would confuse the fuck out of those people who are like always saying the gay wedding to swastika cake. Yeah, right. Jew comes in to buy a swastika cake, their head explodes. So so finally and most importantly for heath black out drunkness which is actually a part of purim not just the drunkenness crunkenness so according to wikipedia quote the custom stems from a statement in the talmud

attributed to a rabbi named rava that says one should drink on purim until he can no longer distinguish between arur haman cursed as hayman and baruch mordecai blessed as mordecai end quote and let me just say that's pretty fucking drunk yeah that is my very good friend who grew up in the Orthodox Jewish community of New York told me he went to a traditional Purim party. And the moment he walked in the door, he got punched in the face by a rabbi and then handed a bottle of vodka to Chug by that same rabbi. Excellent. That fucking tracks. So in conclusion, we as atheists need to not be limited to the story of Haman.

Make a cookie of your ex. Dress up like Spider-Man. Get blackout drunk. Atheist Purim is here to stay. That's definitely the takeaway, the one that people are going to actually want to do from this segment this week. They're not going to take mine. So typically we do these in chronological holiday order, but since my arrogant-ass holiday decided to start earlier than Eli's

and end later than Heath's, I'm going to go in the middle. So, my holiday is the Baha'i fast. What we're commemorating. The spiritual ecstasy that arises from being uncomfortable for three weeks. See, my doctor just calls it IBS, but you do

you, Baha'i. You do you. Where it's celebrated. Basically nowhere. When it's celebrated. The month of Allah, which this year is February 29th to March 19th. Best aspect.

It's shorter than Ramadan. Worst aspect. All the parts from sunrise to sunset. How it's celebrated. All right, so the history of the Baha'i fast, much like the history of its parent religion, is just one of half-assing Muslim customs. The religion itself is the result of a more progressive faction of Islam breaking away under the leadership of Baha'u'llah, I think,

who is also said to have originally prescribed the 19-day fast that leads up to of Baha'u'llah, I think, who is also said to have originally prescribed the 19-day fast that leads up to the Baha'i New Year. Basically, it's as close to Ramadan as you could get without violating their copyright. It's Haramadan. Yeah. There you go. There's no fucking way that's butter. Good work. Yeah.

I love the idea that one guy was like, guys, maybe we just stay Muslim and suggest a few change. Oh, and I'm dead. I get it now. I get why you did your own thing. I'm dead. Because of how dead I am.

Unlike the half-assed fasts of the Christian tradition, Baha'is refrain from all food and drink between sunrise and sunset for the full period of the fast. to hunger and thirst adherents of this faith are also asked to endure nicotine fits delirium tremens and blue balls slash vaginal solitude during this holy period as well dude i'm a baha'i master i am ready for this there's no masturbation during this period yeah also we need a better name for lady blue balls right waffle i don't know Google it. I think I'll probably come up with something. See if that one's taken. Start with blue waffle. Beaver dam. Oh, nice.

Well done, sir. The idea is that one is preparing one's spirit for the trials of the new year, but denying one's body all of its carnal pleasures or whatever. The fastest thus meant to refresh and reinvigorate the spiritual forces latent in one's soul. A sentence that could only be made more meaningless by the application of the word quantum. The Beheisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Fantastic. That's fantastic.

All right. So like Muslims, Baha'i offers a number of outs for the fast. Children under 15 don't have to do it. Women who are pregnant or breastfeeding, the ill, elderly, or injured need not deprive themselves because apparently fasting is like riding the twister. Additional exemptions are offered to people who are traveling, doing heavy manual labor or menstruating. Though it is worth noting that the last one there only counts as an exemption if the menstruator in question washes her hands and face in the proper magical way and repeats glorified be God, the Lord of splendor and beauty 95 times a day. It's aggressive. And no,

I did not make up that fucking number. Aggressive number. I mean, how old is Baha'ism? Right? Cause that could be damn good advice if we were still back in the, like, catch it like a snowflake time.

All right. I'm up next. And I went with St. Patrick's Day. Boo. Yeah. Boo the fuck indeed, Eli. Boo the fuck indeed. Quick diversion before we get into my holiday. March is also a month-long celebration of several different causes.

That includes Women's History Month. You're welcome. Yeah. Good. What? I was just going to say good stuff. Also, Expanding Girls Horizons in Science and Engineering Month. Again, good stuff. Deaf History Month. Hadn't heard of that one.

Wow. Wow. What are they going to do? Stop listening to the podcast? Yes. Also, National Kidney Month. what are they gonna do stop listening to the podcast also national kidney month and um march is also irish american heritage month which i'm allowed to say slurs about and i'm gonna i'm gonna a lot irish american heritage is fucking hot garbage we need like honestly we need need a reverse N word to make fun of us. Like I'm talking about a slur that everyone except Irish American people is allowed to use when they want to yell at Irish Americans for having terrible ideas and behaviors as a group, which we very much do. And whatever that word is, it's the perfect encapsulation of my pick for a March holiday, St. Patrick's Day.

At least the American version. Just to be clear, my knowledge of this holiday, it's only based on my experience here in the U.S. I'm sure they do some beautiful stuff in Ireland and maybe some other spots too. You guys have been there. Skeptical. I'm sure there's some nice cultural things going on, especially in Ireland. Maybe other places too, but here in the US,

it's a putrid, drunken clusterfuck in every place I've ever celebrated. I kind of enjoyed it because I'm a white guy and I can't do it, but it's gross. So, let's talk about it. What we're commemorating. The traditional death date of St. So, let's talk about it. What we're commemorating. The traditional death date of St. Patrick,

the highest ranking patron saint of Ireland. Apparently, they have ranks for that, and he's in first. Yep, yep. Go fuck yourself, Bridget of Kildare. Not even Irish people are willing to get drunk on your behalf. Yeah, just a glowing guy in old robes taking out his earbuds sadly.

I was a huge fan. Where it's celebrated. The home base is Ireland, but also anywhere with Irish people. According to Wikipedia, St. Patrick's Day is celebrated in more countries than any other national festival.

Mostly because excuse to drink a whole bunch is pretty easy to sell anywhere in the world. Well, also, few other nations have been less desirable to live in over the long term, so there's also that. When it's celebrated. March 17th. Best aspect. Drinking.

Worst aspect. Drinking. What? No. Rampantant homophobia it's real bad how it's celebrated the answer would be drinking and rampant homophobia yeah also whatever racism you can fucking think of plus so much more racism like everybody everybody, just right now, a little thought experiment. Think of all the ethnic slurs you've ever heard. If you go to an Irish bar in New York or Boston

on St. Paddy's Day, you'll hear literally thousands more new ones just in that one little room. They'll be singing songs that just list them for you. There's giant lists in song form.

See, now that's the great thing about celebrating in savannah georgia they were already doing that yeah keeper another big part of the celebration is the food which is baffling irish cuisine really like the organizing principle of irish cuisine is boil it until the flavor is gone that's what what we do to food. Yep. The big staple on St. Paddy's Day is corned beef and cabbage. And I actually, I'll enjoy a good corned beef sometimes, but everyone else in the world besides Irish people does that sort of thing way better. Like if you want good corned beef, go to a kosher deli like Katz's, you know, so much better. We also insist on turning everything green that day as part of the celebration.

And it's obnoxious. Like, just give me a bagel colored bagel. It's 8 a.m. I just want to start drinking. I'm buying beer colored beer and bagel colored bagels. Fuck. Yeah. For the record, man, I'm pretty sure your people have to be pretty fucking Irish before

St. Patrick's Day is about food. It's the first I've ever heard of that. Yeah, it's a big deal. It's dumb. We should not focus on our food. And one other story, and I am certain you guys remember this one, too. We all worked at the FAO Schwartz Toy Store for several years. Yeah, we did.

Which is on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan in Midtown, right in the middle of the parade route on St. Paddy's Day. So if you ended up working that day, it was a nearly impossible to even get to the building without like diplomatic paperwork from a fucking embassy to deal with the cops. And also without getting a good deal of vomit on your body before you got to the building yeah also that and in one of those years i i think we were all working that day were you guys know what i'm talking about already i'm sure you do i absolutely i absolutely know what you're talking about um one of those years a parade goer came into the toy store and took a human shit not in the bathroom yep a human shit that really happened and then a second parade goer did the same thing two different piles of human feces on the selling floor of a toy store that day. Heath was so mad.

He kept walking around telling everybody, like, we were going to leave together. It was the best. Also, then, after the second human shit, the fat guy who did our Rubik's Cubes called people fucking in the bathroom. It was the best. It was great. Yeah. So that's the American Anyway version of St. It was the best. It was great. Yeah, so that's the American Anyway version of St. Patty's Day.

That's the New York one. May St. Patrick rest in peace. Alright, so as the only one who picked a holiday that doesn't involve getting drunk enough to shit in the Lego department, I suppose it's on me to close off for the night, but we'll be back next month with yet another spread on the holiday buffet before we power down for the night i want to remind everybody one last time that yes we are

launching a fifth podcast this free time can go fuck itself. Our new show, D&D Minus, started off as a patron extra for scathing patrons, but we had so damn much fun we couldn't stop doing it. So on March 6th, we're going to be launching that show for the whole world to see. You can still get in early, though, by going to patreon.com slash dndminus. That's D-A-N-D-D-M-I-N-U-S. And pledging as little as a dollar an episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got

for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show, Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation D, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, that'd be a sad excuse for a host if I neglected to

thank Heath Enright for toughing it out to be here today despite being as sick as Eli's default baseline of wellness. I need to thank Eli for toughing it out enough to be here today despite being Eli. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for having the sense to just not get sick in the first place. I also want to thank Chris, who loves science, for providing this week's F scintillating Simeons. Julie, Naomi, Bossasaur, Fickleless Cage, The Custodial Humanist, Crystal, Terry, Mario, Matthew, Hugh, Jacob, Thomas, The Political Martian, Matt, Justin, Jeff, Christian, Other Crystal, Josh, Demjin, Rainer, and Daka Daka Daka Wog. Julie, Naomi, Bossasaur, Fickleless Cage, The Custodial Humanist, Crystal, and Terry, whose IQs are higher than their credit card numbers. Mario, Matthew, Hugh, Jacob, Thomas, the political Martian, Matt, and Justin, whose entry is so hot their condoms need heat shields,

and Jeff, Christian, Other Crystal, Josh, Demjin, Rainer, and DakaDakaDakaWag, who are so smooth the lube's using them as much as they're using it. Together, these 21 people, dinos, noises, puns, and homogenous solid surfaces with naturally occurring symmetrically arranged plain faces helped keep the dick jokes flowing this week

by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingalias whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingalias.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving up all your money for that sweet coronavirus shelter,

you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media. Our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdias.com.

Morgan, just so you know, I also have been coughing and blowing my nose this whole time I'm just muting my microphone I do that's why I've been coughing every time no one meets this microphone the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2020 all rights reserved