The Scathing Atheist - 368: World Wide Webb Edition

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

In this week’s episode, Christian leaders recommend washing your hands in the blood of the lamb; people with syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, AIDS, coronavirus, and Judaism are getting cured with this one simple trick; and Don Ford will be here to give you a voice job. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Christian anti-freakout:  P-Robes says coronavirus can’t attack you if you’re healthy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/03/pat-robertson-people-with-a-healthy-gut-dont-have-to-worry-about-coronavirus/ and Jim bakker’s got a cream for that:  https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/12/jim-bakker-my-venereal-disease-gel-also-cures-coronavirus-in-under-12-hours/ and Christian immune from coronavirus, says NZ pastor: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/thefreethinker/2020/03/born-again-christians-immune-from-coronavirus-says-nz-pastor/  Diocese of Buffalo (NY) Files for Bankruptcy Protection Over Sex Abuse Scandal: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/28/diocese-of-buffalo-ny-files-for-bankruptcy-protection-over-sex-abuse-scandal/ Harrisburg (PA) Catholic Diocese Declares Bankruptcy After Sex Abuse Lawsuits: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/20/harrisburg-pa-catholic-diocese-declares-bankruptcy-after-sex-abuse-lawsuits/ Pope Francis Wants You to Stop Trolling People on the Internet for Lent: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/29/pope-francis-wants-you-to-stop-trolling-people-on-the-internet-for-lent/ Convicted Felon Roger Stone: “I’ve Taken Jesus Christ As My Personal Savior” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/02/convicted-felon-roger-stone-ive-taken-jesus-christ-as-my-personal-savior/ Rick Wiles’ Guest: Zionists Are Using Trans Rights to Make Humans “Androgynous” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/17/rick-wiles-guest-zionists-are-using-trans-rights-to-make-humans-androgynous/ Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Dies, Leading to More Conspiracy Theories: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/02/26/conservative-conspiracy-theorist-dies-leading-to-more-conspiracy-theories/

We are actuaries. In a world filled with unpredictability, we use our math skills to navigate uncertainty. Actuaries make a difference in people's lives across industries and the world. Actuaries have the freedom to work anywhere, and according to U.S. News & World Report, we're the 25th top-paying career. Make an impact as a fact-seeker and a truth-teller. Use your math skills for good as an actuary. The world needs you. Warning, I sound like this. I don't want to sound like this.

I try not to sound like this, but I do. So we're going to keep the dry tribe short this week, and I'm going to let Eli and Heath do most of the talking otherwise. Oh, also warning, we say naughty words too. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey, Stamps.com, Hymns, and by The Pontius Pilate Cure for Coronavirus. The Pontius Pilate Cure, the only one that works. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Kaylee.

And I'm Jackson. And even though our mom says we're too young to listen to the show, we are old enough to know that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's March 5th. And it's National Absinthe Day. So go hop on a cloud and talk to the cartoon fear that is your grandfather's old portrait, I guess. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from James Comey's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Christian leaders recommend washing your hands in the blood of the Lamb. Four hands in the blood of the Lamb. People with syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, AIDS, coronavirus, and Judaism are getting cured with this one simple trick. And Don Ford will be here to give you a voice job. But first, the beginning of time. And what's more, he was telling the truth. I know it sounds like the kind of thing religions would say if they could muster as much creativity as a mediocre fantasy writer. But as esoteric as a golden mirror that sees through time and ascends to the heaven

sounds, it's a real thing. And I got to see it a couple of weeks ago when we were in L.A. And because scientists have to use straight sounding names when they want to command gazillion dollar budgets, they passed up on all the cool names like the gilded mirror of zerblaxia and just went with the james webb space telescope so first of all let me geek out about this a little one of our listeners works for northrop grumman which is the prime contractor for the james webb and while it's not exactly on public display apparently the company encourages their employees to bring people in and show it off and probably so that somebody will think of something other than exploding brown people when they think of Northrop Grumman so when he heard that we were coming to LA for a god-awful

movies record he reached out with an invitation to see it and of course I jumped at the opportunity now you'll often hear that James Webb described as the planned successor to the Hubble and I guess in a sense that's right but it gives people the wrong impression of the thing it's not just going to be the bigger and better version of hubble it is going to be bigger and it is going to be better where hubble's primary mirror is less than eight feet across the mirror on the james webb once they're all unfolded and shit is over 21 feet and it's going to manage that despite having half the mass of the hubble but it's also just a qualitatively different thing. Where Hubble looked at shit in the range of visible light, the Webb will be an infrared telescope.

So visible light gets scattered by dust clouds and obscured over vast distances in ways that infrared doesn't, which means that, among other things, the James Webb telescope will be the first telescope capable of directly imaging exoplanets. telescope capable of directly imaging exoplanets it also means that it'll be able to pierce the distance limitations of the hubble and see further back in time than we've ever been able to see before as the folks who are tasked with making this sound good to the scientifically illiterate taxpayers that have to fund it say it'll take the universe's baby pictures and let me tell you it is a damn impressive thing to look at it's like it's two stories tall its main feature is comprised of 18 hexagonal mirrors arranged like a honeycomb over top of this massive iridescent sun shield it's beautiful and because apparently it's the most reflective

substance when it comes to infrared radiation the mirrors are made of gold or actually there's a super fine gold coating over beryllium if i recall correctly but one way or the other when you look at this motherfucker you're looking at an impossibly smooth golden mirror that's bigger than a goddamn elephant so as we're standing there taking this motherfucker in for just a minute i started feeling sorry for religious people. That awe and reverence that we were all experiencing was something that they never get to feel. I mean, I know they accuse us of robbing the world of solemnity, but that's only because they lack imagination. I mean, sure, they can experience awe, but the best a church can offer you is like, you know,

look how high up that vault goes, or look how many little figures they managed to carve into that pillar. And sure, that shit's cool. I like looking at that stuff, too. It impresses me. But the appearance of the James Webb telescope, as stunning as it was, wasn't at all the source of the awe. Hell, even the exacting precision or the 20 plus years of engineering wasn't the driving factor. Precepting precision or the 20 plus years of engineering wasn't the driving factor. The awe that nearly brought me to tears that afternoon was the knowledge that I was looking at something that was going to bring us closer to understanding the universe.

I was watching the perpetual quest for truth play out. I mean, you know, I'm sure that religious people would be awed if they looked at this thing. It's damn impressive. Hell, it's even gilded and they love that shit but they could only appreciate the physical substance of the thing you know they could be impressed by its size or its beauty or how precisely ground the mirrors were but they couldn't feel what i felt you can't hold truth in that kind of reverence if you've already cheapened it with superstition really for religious people there's already an ultimate truth and they know what it is and to be honest it's pretty fucking banal you know so for them science isn't so much pushing a frontier as filling in the blank spaces on a map that they've already been to the end of

for you and i the apex of the natural is the apex for them it's just a threshold to the end of. For you and I, the apex of the natural is the apex. For them, it's just a threshold to the supernatural. And that means that even when we stand on the same ground as the believers, you and I stand taller. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast

and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Domingo and Pavarotti to Mike Herrera's Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to tend like you've never tend before? Dibs on the fat one. Dibs on the blind one. What?

Wait, that's the jelly. I like the jelly. Okay. Okay. All right. So while I check to see if that operatic reference makes us highbrow humor now, we're going to pause for our word from our first sponsor this week. Honey.

Mozzarella. Oh, oh, and a strobe light. Perfect. Of course. Yeah. Hey, guys, what you doing? Oh, Heath and I are stocking up for the apocalypse. I already hate this.

Okay, hear us out. Hear us out. Every other rube and dupe, they're buying food, water, hand sanitizer, but we are buying all the party stuff. Party stuff. Yes. Party stuff. Disco balls. 200 of them.

Glow sticks. 400 glow sticks. I know there's not going to be a good answer to this, but I'm going to ask anyway. Why? Noah. Because eventually, yes, that. But eventually, the apocalypse will be over. And when it is, me and Heath are going to be the party king.

And we saved a ton of money with honey. What's Honey? It's a product made by Bees, Noah. It comes in a bear. Maybe you've heard of it. No, no, no. Honey is the free online shopping tool that automatically finds the best promo codes and applies them to your cart. Eli and I just installed it on our browser, and it found a savings on everything we were shopping for.

Wow, that's cool. And is it really free? Totally free. Honey found its over 18 million members over $2 billion in savings. That's a lot of money. Sure is. Using Honey feels pretty great. Think of it as a little daily victory. Plus, it's free to use and installs in just a few seconds. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com

slash scathing. Alright, well I get that honey is great, but how does all this hemorrhoid cream help your party? Oh, that was a separate purchase. Just because we were shopping? No, I get it. It's an impulse buy.

And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the Christian tendency to lose their goddamn minds over non-events like second-person pronouns, Hispanic ladies dancing, and dudes in corsets reading The Hungry Caterpillar is so ubiquitous, we needed a little jingle for it on this show. But we learned this week that the reverse is also true. Not only can they freak the fuck out over

nothing, they can also nothing the fuck out of a legitimate threat. And to be clear, you know, freak out means to act irrationally in the face of a real or perceived threat. And I'm not saying anyone should ever act irrationally. And I'm also not saying that Christians are definitionally capable of not doing that.

That being said, they should be at least one notch more freaked out than, meh, I'm sure I'm theologically immune, and they're not. So, Anna, hit it in reverse. You guys all heard Heath's real name too, right? It's not just me. That's what I heard. Yeah, yeah. No, his name is... I wasn't actually dead.

That's right. On the eve of that deadly pandemic, Christian leaders around the world are coming forward with words of calm reassurance, which would be encouraging if the words were like, you know, wash your hands regularly with hot water or be sure to cough into your elbow. But instead, they're opting for messages like you could literally eat the corpse of a person who just died from coronavirus and Jesus would magic you into invincibility. Cool. So maybe all those theologically immune Christian people can head right into the outbreak zones and help out.

That's perfect. Won't even need the masks or the containment suits. We save money on it. That's what Jesus would do. I'd say it is. I mean, he'd probably spit in their eyes and stick some mud in there. But first, he would be there. Do all that stuff.

Okay. So we're going to start with host of the 700 Club, an old candle that's so melty it seems like it's going to fold over any second, but still hasn't. Pat Robertson, who decided that he was at least as qualified to offer up medical advice as people who know things, saying, quote, If your gut is healthy, you don't have to worry about coronavirus, end quote, before recommending that you preempt this disease with probiotics, sauerkraut and kimchi. You preempt this disease with probiotics, sauerkraut, and kimchi. That's right. Dumbass CDC is fucking around with quarantines and vaccines and all that bullshit. What you really need is fermented cabbage dumplings.

Bunch of dumbasses. Yeah, no, kimchi is great. That's why nobody in Korea has coronavirus. Yeah, right. Kimchi's a big staple there, and they are immune as a country. Okay, question though. By contrast, does this mean that I am like super vulnerable to coronavirus now? Like if I see someone on TV with it, will I die because of my stomach?

Honestly, that would be my guess one way or the other, but yes. Sure. Now, of course, if you can't choke down rotten cabbage, but you can choke down bullshit, convicted fraud, and last man clinging to the bucket-o business model, Jim Baker can help because it turns out that the venereal panacea

that he's been slinging for the last year or so also treats coronavirus. Huh? Just as a happy retroactive coincidence, yes. Huh? The miracle cure-all snake oil

he's already selling just happens to accidentally include the cure to this novel virus before it emerged in the universe and a 16 ounce bottle can be yours now for the low low price of 23.97 or and i love this so goddamn much his website also offers a two-pack for $47.94 47.94 his listeners are like now that is a bargain wait yes no that's a bargain all right yep all right he's got a spreadsheet we can use i want seven that is also bargain cool now all that being said, if consuming rancid cabbage and ingesting metallic silver seem like too much

of a hassle for you, don't worry because our final pastor solution actually is not consuming rancid cabbage or ingesting metallic silver or any other thing. So this advice comes to us

from New Zealand pastor Brian Tamaki, who looks like the setup to a Heath joke, who explains that the coronavirus is caused explains that the coronavirus is caused not by the coronavirus, but rather by airborne demons that born again Christians are already immune to anyway.

Quote, Satan has control of the atmospheres. All of them, apparently, unless you're a born again, Jesus loving Bible, believe in holy ghost filled t-paying believer. Tithe? Oh, yeah, no, that's it there. So the atmosphere has become complicated if, like, you're back a month on tithing. Oh, dude, if you're at 8%, you're fucked.

He continues, you're the only one that can walk through the atmospheres and have literally a protection, the PS91 protection policy, end quote. That last part, by the way, is a reference to a psalm that says Christians are immune to bad outcomes, by the way. Okay, again, as he said before, testable claim. We here at The Scathing Atheist are willing to pay for Brian's one-way ticket to Wuhan.

Yeah, no, he's only coming from New Zealand. It'd be a quick trip. That's right. Also, do the setups to my jokes look like Ron White from the future? I don't understand that. Yes. What do they look like? And to be clear, when I was putting together this segment,

I selected three of the 11 news items we saw by Tuesday of Christian leaders offering up terrible medical advice, most of which included a reference to giving them money, by the way. So just a reminder, because for some reason this echoes louder when we're on the brink of a deadly pandemic, having entire institutions set up to act in direct competition with reality was always a terrible fucking idea. And in blank, check yourself because you wrecked yourself news tonight. Last week, as we celebrated the bankruptcy of the Boy Scouts of America, we couldn't help but bemoan that several, if possible, more rape-focused organizations like the Catholic Church hadn't met the same fate. Well, someone go uncurl that finger on the monkey's paw because this week, not one, but two diocese are cashing out their chips

because of all the kid fucking they did. Yeah. And bad guys go bankrupt. Kind of sounds like good news, but it also means we're giving these groups bankruptcy protection and that's fucking crazy we need a new rule about this anything with kid fucking means you don't get anything with protection anymore whatever law had the word protection that's gone for you victims should be allowed to sue every level of the church and honestly everyone who's ever donated to the church in the last like 100 years at this point well certainly in the last 20 yeah yeah right right well we should at least change it so that if your kid fucking was subsidized by a sovereign city state with gold-plated gold

plating on their gold plates you can't go bankrupt until your parent organization runs out of nazi loot at least bigots anti-catholic bigots you see what i have to work with listener at home so first up the harrisburg pennsylvania diocese who listeners will remember for their starring role in the pennsylvania report of 2018 and who announced six months ago that they had paid out over 12.5 million dollars to over a hundred accusers according to the inquirer the archdiocese quote told the courts in its filings wednesday that it has more than 200 creditors and estimated liabilities between 50 million and 100 million of its top 20 creditors, 19 were plaintiffs in sex abuse cases that remained unresolved in court. Jesus Christ.

That's rough. And also an awkward line to be standing in for that one bank. Yeah, right. Oh, hey everybody. So yeah, we loaned them money for a van. What about you guys? Oh, raped. All 19 got sexually

assaulted as children. Yeah, you guys go first. I'm going to swing back to the We got insurance for this kind of stuff. Next up, the Diocese of Buffalo, who listeners will remember for being really, really bad at releasing lists of people who

fuck kids they know for the Catholic Church. So, quick reminder reminder they released a public list of 42 abusers in their diocese but that was only the public version the private version of child molesters they decided not to release was 102 people and the complete list that someone else made for them was 324 names. And when that was pointed out to them, their response was for their archbishop to kind of sort of finally resign,

maybe a little. Right. Yeah. And so to be clear, whether it was in his head or written down, that archbishop literally had a list of lists of unpunished kid rapists. He did. He did. Yeah. According to the Associated Press, quote, the Buffalo Diocese already paid out about 18 million, including 1.5 million from the sale of the bishop's mansion to more than 100 victims

under an independent compensation program established in 2018, end quote. But it turns out that New York's incredibly recent policy of not calling backseas on kid rapes has caused some problems for the church as well. The article continues, quote, the diocese faced more than 240 new lawsuits since August when the New York Child Victims Act suspended the statute of limitations to give childhood victims one year to pursue even decades old allegations of abuse, end quote. Okay, that's great. They sold the one bishop's mansion. You know what they didn't sell yet? All the other fucking mansions they have. Apparently they have mansions for bishops. And you know what else they didn't sell?

The absurd amount of wasted real estate they own in this country, also all over the world. Huge amounts. Bankruptcy is way too generous for this group of people. Yeah, right. No, until their victims are divvying up the proceeds from the St. Patrick's Cathedral fire sale, I'm not buying the bankrupt New York diocese bullshit. Absolutely not. I'll buy a bench.

I like those benches. They're nice benches. Now, as Hammett Mehta over at the Friendly Atheist blog has pointed out, these are just two of the 20-plus dioceses that have been bankrupted by their abuse and torture of children. So, as rarely as we get to end,

things on a happy note here at the Scathing Atheist, 20 something down, 170 something to go. Great, great. And in feculent news. Fantastic. Pope Francis has a suggestion about what everybody should be giving up for Lent this year. Oh, oh. Well, I'm'm gonna i'll give you a chance in a second pope francis though he wants all of us to stop being mean on the internet

oh i was wrong and no not gonna stop doing that i know there's a positive message in there that he's hoping for but uh il capo di tuttii of a giant bigotry and pedophile organization doesn't get to have lighthearted advice about how patient I am with neo-Nazis and people who won't vote against Donald Trump. Absolutely not. Yeah, right. Also, it's our business model. Yeah, it's our whole charity thing. Also, just keep in mind that like his definition of be nice on the Internet is stop pointing out that I'm the head of a giant child rape cabal. So, you know, exactly. We work enough different platforms.

He's actually going to say that in not quite those words, but really close. So the pope mentioned this during his speech at St. Peter's Square on Ash Wednesday. Just the record. at St. Peter's Square on Ash Wednesday. Just a record, he had tens of thousands of people attending the event live and over a billion Roman Catholic people across the world listening to his every word because he's a conduit from the God of the universe. And he did not say anything about, you know, being nice to the LGBT community,

a group that his organization has been military level trolling for centuries not even willing to shut that down for like 40 days for lent in 2020 nah but um let's let's make a deal though with the pope here i'll stop telling wrong people they're wrong on the internet i'll stop doing it not nicely whatever that means i'll'll do that if Catholic leaders stop doing what? Any ideas? Here's a chance, Eli. You got to know what you have to do. Hiring little old ladies for their secretary, right?

That lady looks like she's going to explode into dust if I shake her hand. Get a goddamn 20-something. Okay. I thought you were going to go a different direction with that. All right. So either way. My offer is out there. That's all I'm saying. Everybody, you heard different direction with that. All right. So either way. My offer is out there.

That's all I'm saying. Everybody, you heard it. You heard it. Okay. But there are just so many useful things he could say with his giant platform. But instead, the Pope told his ridiculous audience, quote, we live in an atmosphere polluted by too much verbal violence. Some would say several of them.

Which is amplified by the internet. Yeah them. Which is amplified by the internet. Yeah, verbal violence amplified by the internet. I just want to hop in right here. Nice and amplified and add, fuck you, you ignorant, stochastic terrorist. Your verbal violence from your book and your leaders leads to real violence in the form of hate crimes. Just keep that in mind. And then he

continued lent is a time to give up useless words gossip rumors tittle tattle and speak to god on a first name basis okay useless words gossip rumors tittle tattle the bible the bible yeah and circling back really quick i just want to throw a spotlight on the end of that quote the pope wants people to give up gossip rumors and tittle tattle pretty sure he just asked catholics to stop being narcs and telling on priests that's what that sounded like or at the very least he said tittle tattle while making a serious speech and wearing the outfit of a unicorn trophy hunter it's one of those things and in cast the first stone news tonight convicted felon and richard nixon tramp stamp owner roger stone is going to spend the next 40 months in prison because Trump overruled our entire justice system in a manner so blatant that if you switched out the names, it would be an unrealistic plot about a military despot in the Congo.

Yeah. And to be clear, the plot would be unrealistic because a real despot would have been more subtle. Guarantee you when Trump's alone, he dresses up like Gaddafi and does little skits in the mirror. 100%. No question. Maybe Idi Amin too,

and they talk to each other. He goes back and forth with the stuff. You know he's got a set of stuff. Right. So despite his carrying more than an ounce of marijuana-esque sentence, Stone isn't worried about prison because he's taken Jesus Christ as his personal savior, just like all good and innocent people tend to do. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I feel like Trump's going to be mad about getting replaced. That's not great for a pardon. Trump before savior said, don't get crucified. Thank you. Yeah. In an interview with Mike Allen this week, Stone phased into cocaine's most solid state to say, quote, the only fear I have is not being right with God. I feel pretty good because I've taken Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. And it's given me enormous strength and solace because he he he knows my heart hey you know what i know jesus i feel like

i do too let me guess what's in your heart um repressed homosexuality unbounded darkness and the shit they're supposed to scrape out of that fucking fry station at mcdonald's before they close did i nail it i feel like I nailed it. Yeah. But Jesus doesn't just forgive traitors who are traitors like Roger Stone. No. He also pointed out that Jesus forgives Donald Trump for anything he did wrong as well,

saying, quote, Christians believe deeply in redemption and they believe in evolution. No. Not adding, no, not that kind of evolution. The slow changey one you know what i mean you're the ghost of tucker carlson's drug addiction you are you are and how would

fraser's dad even become a batman villain that doesn't even make any sense that doesn't make any sense he concluded it's not whether you've sinned we've all sinned it's not whether you've sinned. We've all sinned. It's not mistakes you've made 15 years ago or 20 years ago or last year. It's what's in your heart today. I think Trump has been forgiven anything he did wrong. I think we all have. And I think he's a different person. End quote from convicted felon Roger fucking Stone. Oh, boy.

And on that hopeful and wonderful concept of donald trump one day waking up a different person we'll pause for a word from our second sponsor this week stamps.com flap flap flap no no it's gonna be like flap flap flap hey uh eli what you doing there oh hey heath i'm just learning how to fly okay uh. Feels weird to lead with this question, but why? Packages, Heath. Too many packages. You're learning to fly, or you're trying to by saying flap, because of packages? Yeah. I mean, what else am I going to do? Schlep down to the post office once a week?

I mean, why don't you just try stamps.com? What's stamps.com? Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your computer. Whether you're a small office sending invoices, an online seller shipping out products, or even a warehouse sending thousands of packages a day,amps.com can handle it all with ease. Wait, I can do post office stuff at home? At home, at the office, anywhere there's a computer. Simply use your computer to print official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. Once your mail's ready, just hand it to your

mail carrier or drop it in a mailbox. It's that simple. But that's got to be, like, super expensive, right? Not at all. With Stamps.com, you can get five cents off every first-class stamp and up to 40% off shipping rates. Not to mention it's a fraction of the cost of those expensive postage meters. Okay. Who do I have to kill to sign up? Nobody.

Again, weird question. Right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, enter scathing. You know what, Heath? For a lonely guy who nobody cares about with a stupid bald head, you sometimes

have a good idea now and then. Let me get down from here. What? No, no, you should definitely still try to fly. Oh, I should? Oh, yeah. I'll be watching down here with my stupid bald head, but go, totally. Go. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Yep. And we're back. And in Rick T tuck news tonight host of true news show favorite citation needed and man who should only allow himself to be shot from the neck up rick wiles needed some help with his anti-semitism this week and i get it he puts a lot into it. So he called upon completed Jews, Steve and Yana Ben Nun of the program Israeli News Live to tell us about how trans rights, get ready, are a Jewish plot. You saw that coming to turn everyone back into Adam from the Bible. Didn't see that one coming. back into adam from the bible didn't see that one coming george soros just looking at a giant arena full of atoms that he's apparently creating yeah nailed it yeah so uh according to yana quote they want to rule the world they want to get gentile riches and they want to rule the Gentiles. They don't consider Gentiles fully human beings.

In fact, as an endgame, they have this strange doctrine, the Adam-Kadmon doctrine. Adam-Kadmon was originally, according to the Zohar and the Talmud, he was androgynous. Adam, he wasn't male or female. He was male and female in one body. And this is why you see this transgender agenda today. Okay, Mr. Soros, we're an army of androgynous Adams. What's next? He's just like, I believe I've made my point.

Yeah, right. I mean, if there's one thing we should take away from Me Too, it's that it's really hard to control people when they have distinct genders. Yeah. Also, apparently they think bottom surgery is a rib being pulled out or pulled in. It's terrifying. Yeah, it's just a plug-in. Silver lining to this story,

Rick Wiles allowed himself to be shot from the neck down for this for the first time in the history of us watching him. Not a great idea. He descends into a pile of mashed potatoes as a human being. It's so beautiful and tragic what's happening to his body below the neck. I felt pretty great about it.

Neck up wasn't great either. I don't know what the best angle for him is. But it was way better. It's podcast audio maybe. Yeah. And finally tonight, a conspiracy theorist ended up not living forever last week

and that means murder. More specifically, the person who died is Philip Haney, a Christian white guy who specialized in Islamophobic right-wing conspiracies redundant and yep pretty much and uh also claimed to be a whistleblower on the department of homeland security in 2016 so wasn't just normal murder it was barack hussein obama It was Barack Hussein Obama. Hillary had a cold? Hillary's in the back doing roll-ups while Obama has all the fun murdering.

So, Haney was found dead at a park and ride in Amador County, California, near Sacramento. And we have two major theories about his death. According to the local police department, he died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. But according to basic conspiracy logic, Filippini was just plain too good at stopping Islamic terrorism for the Department of Homeland Security.

And when he refused to let a few attacks happen, Obama had to murder him like five years later yeah to make a really slow point and the conspiracy story had so much support that the sheriff's office actually revised their original statement and now they're saying they have not determined the cause of death which is weird feels like it's still a gunshot wound either way. But apparently the case is wide open again. Well, as is his head. Look, if you don't think that there is a version of this conspiracy

where the gunshot wound was just there to remove that Illuminati brain nanobot that really did him in, you are underestimating America, sir. I haven't thought it through. I just think it's tragic that like the one decent thing this guy ever did and he's not getting credit for it. Good for him. Wow.

All right. So don't disagree. So Haney worked for the Department of Homeland Security from 2000 to 2015. Haney worked for the Department of Homeland Security from 2000 to 2015. And soon after retiring, he told The Hill that DHS officials made him delete a big list of suspected terrorists. Probably because he was just following around every Muslim person in Northern California and making a big list of what he thought were terrorists. But according to Haney, he was dismantling hamas at that point and in 2016 he published a book called see something say nothing a homeland security officer exposes the government's submission to jihad oh shit so when the news

broke that haney was dead steve king of of Iowa was obviously masturbating furiously into a physical copy of that book and immediately got suspicious. So King tweeted that Haney definitely didn't kill himself and instead suggested it was obviously a super slow moving murder plot by people who already had the whistle blown on them years ago and now they they killed him finally yeah and it's worth pointing out that like the shit in his book wasn't true right the book literally contains sentences like i could tell you the names of high-ranking terrorists presently living in new york city but I have chosen not to do so. Really? Yeah. You can't pee because you can't name the.

What are you talking about? Yeah. And just for the record, this all makes perfect sense if you're Steve King. Sure. In addition to the whistleblowing story, Haney also claimed that he was part of a covert anti-Islam political operative team that spent 2018 trying to prevent Keith Ellison, a Muslim, from becoming Attorney General of Minnesota. And Ellison won. He is the Attorney General of Minnesota now, which put him in the perfect position to carry out a

victory dance murder years later. And if that covert team is real which i'm pretty sure they are steve king definitely helped create it or had something big to do with it well he probably masturbated furiously into it also true oh you know what steve king should do to really get to the bottom of this he should reconstruct the crime scene. Call me, Steve. I'll pay for your parking rights, spot, and everything, buddy. I got you. And one other bullet point on Haney's alleged resume

was helping Glenn Beck figure out who was really behind the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013. So you remember when one of the injured victims of that bombing was a Saudi person and Glenn Beck immediately accused that guy of being part of the attack? And it turned out Beck was completely wrong and Beck had to settle out of court for a big defamation claim because he's a stupid bigot. Well, Haney was the intel source for that whole thing for Glenn Beck. And I guess he and Beck bonded over hating Muslim people together.

So when Beck saw the news about Haney's death, he also stopped masturbating into a book about homeland security and tweeted, quote, whistleblower Philip Haney found dead of single self-inflicted gunshot. This is a lie. I'll believe Epstein was killed by a team of cut out paper dolls before this. End quote. Dude, given what we've seen, you believe I don't even know if that's supposed to make it more or less likely. You can't use an example like that, Glenn. Well, yeah, it's a weird example to use.

Just it's regardless of who uses it. The paper cut out dolls. It's a weird, weird bar to set for deciding on stuff. Glenn Beck is thinking about paper dolls and murder way too often, I would say. And now, I'm slightly suspicious about Epstein getting killed by paper dolls somehow. That was just super specific. Also, Glenn Beck's a

Mormon, so a comment about the plausibility of a Muslim paper doll revenge plot doesn't really tell us anything. His epistemology doesn't really tell us anything. His epistemology doesn't really allow for comparisons. It's tricky.

Apples to insanity. Regardless, the Haney case is back open and the FBI is actually looking into it and there's literally nothing that can happen to shut down this murder theory. What could they find that people

would be like okay no nope got it checked and it's not that all right literally nothing they could say all right well with that little peek into glenn beck's nightmares we're going to close the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always glenn beck is a paper cut out zodiac killer and when we come back the bible will get all judgy again. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing Heath stuff. Heath stuff is my favorite stuff. Lou, Lou, Lou. Heath, buddy, you got a second?

Sure, man. What's up? Whoa, whoa, that is, that is quite a look you got going there. Oh, you like it? Don't tell anyone, but I shaved my beard and glued it to my bald spot. Glued it to your bald spot. Yeah, I definitely see that. Yeah, you can hardly tell, right?

No, that's incorrect. I can definitely tell. Honestly, I can't really see anything else. Your hair is like Cthulhu right now. It's insane. Okay, okay. Fine. Then what do you suggest? I mean, you could try 4hims.com. What's 4hims.com?

Oh, it's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. 4hims.com offers prescription solutions backed by science. Wow. So they'll like sell you real medicine prescribed by doctors? Exactly.

4hims connects you to real doctors online, which could save you hours. It's completely confidential and discreet. And right now, our listeners can get started with their first month free. Go to 4hims.com slash scathing. That's 4hims.com slash scathing. Prescription requires an online consultation with a physician who determines if a prescription is appropriate. Offer only valid if prescribed.

Three-month minimum subscription. Additional restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember, that's 4hims.com slash scathing. All right, I'll give it a try. But in the meantime, the beard looks good, right? No. Oh.

Well, hello everybody. It's me, Floon Puff, from the new Puzzle and a Thunderstorm podcast, D&D Minus. Just a little reminder that tomorrow, Friday, March 6th, is the premiere of our show. You'll be able to listen to the first six episodes of

D&D Minus. There's backflips and monsters and of course Greg the Ogre. So don't forget to subscribe on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else podcasts live. And now, back to the show. Ah, the Bible.

It's like if everyone told you that Star Wars was a period romance set in Elizabethan England and no amount of pointing to the movie would convince them otherwise. Which we'll prove again this week in another installment of... Bible Peace Theater. installment of Bible Peace Theater. Man, it sure is great that God forgave us for worshiping other gods. Again. And freed us from slavery. Again.

Also. You said it. For sure. For sure. Good stuff. So, uh, you want to start worshiping other gods again? I do, yes. I figured. Sir, sir, it's the Midianites. They're attacking us because God is mad at us. What? Crazy. How many of them are there? Oh, too many to count. They're like grasshoppers.

That a lot? Yes. I mean, is that a thing that grasshoppers are known for, being like multitudinous? Because usually I see one grasshopper at a time. I mean, it's in the book. Right, but also, didn't we just kill all the Medianite men like 50 years ago? How could their numbers be too many to count already?

I mean, it's the Bronze Age. So, you know, we don't count great at this point. Okay. So there's like... This many. Eight. No. Yes. That's many. Eight. No. Yes.

That's eight. Okay. And there came an angel of the Lord. Nice. And sat under an oak, which was in Oprah. Love her. Buy all her books. Good stuff.

Ah, loo, loo, loo. Doing wheat stuff. Wheat stuff is my favorite stuff. Sup? You, um, you Gideon? Uh, yes, that's me. Okay, good news. Uh, one, you got here before I made a beef and cheese burrito under this tree. Uh, super gross. Um, and two, God's like, um, with you and shit.

He's with you. Uh, God is with me. Yep. Then why did he let the Midianites enslave us again? Where's all the miracles and stuff he's so famous for? Mmm, those are solid questions. Um, you gotta ask him yourself. Hey, how's it going?

Heard your questions, Gideon. Give me back your press credentials. I don't have any. Okay, well then how about this? I sent you to free the Jews from the Midianites. What are you talking about? I'm a poor farmer.

I'm not even the firstborn son in my house. Besides, I don't even know your God and not, like, Satan or... I'm going crazy. Okay, well, you're definitely not Satan, because Noah does that voice. But the crazy thing, that's a solid point. That one's a thinker. I'm going to give that to you. Okay, I'll wait here, and I'll be right back.

I don't understand. It's... So it's Stardew Valley, but with neighbors. Okay, you're making it sound not awesome. I'm telling you it's awesome. I already have relatives who are mad at me for not calling them enough. Why would I buy that experience in a video game? Uh, hey, uh, I'm

back, and I, uh, I brought you some lamb stew. Okay, wait. You, Gideon, didn't believe that I was God, so you brought me some lamb stew? Yeah, I mean, if you're God, eat the lamb stew. You know people who aren't God can eat lamb stew. I got this one. I got it. god can eat land i got this one i got it then the angel of the lord put forth the end of the staff that was in his hand and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes and there rose up fire out of the rock and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes yeah pretty awesome right

uh but but you just ate it nope Nope, no. Did the fire thing. Listen to the announcer. Stupid. I feel like I'm gonna die now. Oh, is that from seeing an angel? No, don't worry. Oh, no. You're not gonna die.

No, no, no, no. I was from watching her eat the stew that fast. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, she goes at it. That'll get you. Yeah, you can have an ulcer or something. Either way, I'm convinced. In fact, I'm going to build an altar here to commemorate this moment.

And I'm going to call it Jehovah Shalom. Sorry, you're going to call it Jehovah Shalom? Oh, yeah. You're going to build an altar to me that translates to, Hello, God. Um, yeah. I mean, there's no what I said. All right. I love it. One more thing I want you to do for me.

Okay, what's that? Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. Uh, you didn't say anything. You just said, whisper, whisper, whisper. Oh, just swoosh. Hello? Hi, are you Joash, Gideon's father? I am.

Hi, I'm Steve. I live down the street. Seems like your son knocked down our altar to Baal last night. Put one up to God instead. Oh, no. Gideon? Gideon? What?

Did you knock down the Baal altar next door and put an altar to God there? Yeah, but God told me to. Yeah, see, that's what I was afraid of. So, um, can you send him out here so we can, you know, kill him? Oh,

there's got to be a better way to solve this. How much did it cost? I'll repay you. I appreciate the offer. I really do. But this is definitely a murder situation.

You understand? You know, I really don't want to piss off Bale, you know? Well, Bale's so butthurt about it, why didn't he come down here and kill my son himself? I'm sorry, sir,

there is no need to insult Bale. I just, I think there is. I think Bale's a punk-ass bitch. He wants to rock and roll. We can fucking go. I'll take his ass to Flavortown. Oh, you know, I just, I never, you are very rude, sir. Yeah, well, at least my God isn't too much of a pussy to kill people

himself. Pussy. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, well, at least my god isn't too much of a pussy to kill people himself. Pussy? Yeah, whatever. Pick a name, Joe-ash. Bitch-ass. Bitch-ass. It's you. Gideon! Yeah, Dad? Your name's Jerobail now. Um,

my name is Guy Who Fights Bail? Yes. Okay. Then all the Midianites and the Amalekites and the Children of the East were gathered together and went over and pitched in the Valley of Jezreel. Hey, Gideon. There's my guy. You ready for the big battle? Yes. Hey, what's the matter, buddy?

I don't know. How do I know you're God and not just Satan or me going crazy? You want me to eat some more stew? Oh, God, no. Nobody wants that. I'll do it right now. Nobody wants it. Please.

Let me eat more stew anyway. No. Please, no. I'm eating more stew. Okay. What if when I go to sleep tonight, I put the fleece on the floor, right? And if I wake up in the morning and the fleece is wet, but the floor is dry, then I will believe that you're God. You will?

What? Oh, yeah, for sure. Wet fleece, dry floor. I mean, okay. Oh yeah, for sure. Wet fleece, dry floor. I mean, okay. Alright, see ya. I mean, he wants me to pee on the fleece, right? Pee on the fleece, yeah. There's no other way to interpret that. Okay, okay, but don't watch. I can't get any on the floor.

Now, would you look at that The fleece is wet, but the ground is dry Alright, do you believe I'm God now? So, here's what I'm thinking we're going to do about those Midianites Seriously? You're still not convinced? I mean, I mean, I mean, look If I woke up tomorrow and the fleece was dry And the ground was wet

Well then, then I would know you were God. All right, Sarah, I'm gonna need a bunch of Gatorade. Would it help if I ate stew? This time, yes. Great. Okay, Gideon. Jeroboam. Righton Jeroboam Right, Jeroboam, Baal, whatever Are you ready to fight the Midianites now? Oh yeah, big time I got like an army of 22,000 Wait, what?

That's way too many people Everyone's just gonna say we won against the Midianites Because we had more people Oh, yeah, because we will. Buddy, where's your sense of theater? Gotta separate the we from the chaff here. Um, okay. So, what do you want me to do?

Well, I'll tell you. Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. That's still just you saying the whisper. You know what? Hi, everyone. Hi, I'm Jerobel. Some of you might know me as Gideon, also. So, um, quick, uh, change of plans.

Anyone who is afraid about this fight can go home. Sorry, um, anyone who is afraid about this fight can go home. Sorry, um, anyone who's afraid can just go home? Yeah, we're just gonna need just the not afraid people for this war. So, um,

you guys can just, you know, go home, head out. Okay. Whatever. Cool. I guess so. All right. So that leaves about half of you. So tell you what, everyone left.

Why don't you go take a drink of water from that river over there? This one? Yeah. of water from that river over there? Uh, this one? Uh, yeah. Okay, cool. Everyone who drank water like a human person can go. And everyone who drank water by plunging your face into the river like an idiot, you can stay. It looks like there was about 300 of them. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, wait.

God wants soldiers who can't think of bringing water to their mouths to stay? That's correct. This is a weird book. Oh, yes, it is. Gideon, Gideon. Oh. Hey. Hey, how's it going? hey uh I was checking out the Medea night camp um honestly not great there's like so many of them they're like they're like grasshoppers yeah I heard about that like similar as many grains of sand as there are in the desert Wait, there's seven quintillion of them?

I mean, no, but like there's a lot Okay, well, you know, don't worry Because last night I had a dream And lo, before the man could tell Gideon his dream The Lord said, tell not another person your dreams unless you fuck them. For nobody cares about your dreams except the people you fuck. And even they don't really care, but you fuck them, so they have to listen. Eli, get out of the announcer's booth.

The Bible doesn't say that. Well, it should. It should say a lot of shit. Anyway, I had a dream about this cake and the cake knocked over the enemy tents and my buddy was like dude that's gideon gideon is that cake oh gideon cake that's pretty cool yeah also i dreamed that you were like like, mad at me. Um, I'm not. Cool. Yeah, cool.

Okay, everybody, thanks for coming. So, um, just again, to go over the plan, the 300 of you plus me, we're going to, like, surround the Midianite camp, and then all at once we're going to blow our ram's horns and say, The sword of the Lord and Gideon. And then we attack? I mean, no.

I think God is just going to do like something magical or something. Just blow the horns and say, The sword of the Lord and Gideon. Okay, so just to be clear, no attacking. Not right. That's correct. Ready? One,

two, three. Ahem. Super Tuesday, everybody. Super Tuesday. I will murder my enemies! Lu Lu Lu, doing Succoth stuff. Succoth stuff

is my favorite stuff. Hi. Oh, hello. Welcome to the town of Succoth. Uh, so listen, we just killed all the Midianites and we were chasing two of their princes and i was like wondering if we could have some food and water or whatever you got around here so that you can chase down two guys and murder them no i mean uh maybe you missed the

part where we already killed a bunch of people. I mean, you sure you don't want to give us just, like, some water? Yes, I am sure we don't want to give you water for your murder request. Okay, well, um, I'm gonna warn you. I'm gonna get you, sucketh! Whackity-smackity-do! You made our podcast weird. I did.

Zepaya and Zalumna. We meet at last. Gideon. Looks like it's a fight to the death. Um, I'm not actually gonna be the one to strike you down. My son is. So, uh, Jether, get on up here, kiddo. Whatever.

Come on. Go on. Like I told you to. Kill the enemy princes. I don't even want to. Whatever. Go. I hate you. Okay. Sorry, guys. One second. Yeah, no problem. Take your time. Jether, you are embarrassing me in front of the people I work with. Whatever. I don't even want to kill those guys.

I don't even know them. Hey, that's what being a king is, kiddo. Sometimes you got to kill people you don't know. Listen, I don't want to be a king. Oh, well, okay, fine. I feel like this is a private conversation. No, no, it's fine, you guys. I'll kill you, and then Jetter is going to watch.

Again. Very sorry. Jetter can't kill you. Mom hates you. Honestly, it's fine. Yeah, not a big deal. I mean, kids at this age, you know. Yeah, I know.

They want their space. I've got to myself. I feel you. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to kill you now. Cool. Bye. People of Israel, I have killed those two princes we were chasing.

Hooray! Be our king! Be our king! Um, no, no, you guys, you guys, I'm not going to be your king. No, you guys. I'm not going to be your king. Neither is my son. Not what we offered. Nobody wants that.

Apparently, he's working on a podcast right now. Anyway, so the Lord God will be your king, for he is all the king you need. How humble. How noble.

All I request is that you melt down all the gold of our enemies and turn it into like a high priest robe for me. Nothing else, just a high priest robe. Okay, a little less humble. And Gideon, the son of of joash died in a good old age and was buried at the sepulcher of joash's father in oprah of the abbey's rights man that gideon what a guy yeah Sure was. Yeah. So, you want to start worshiping other gods again? You know I do. Yeah.

Not learning. Not learning. I'm going to vote for Ralph Nader. Me too. In 2020. Right now. Early voted for him. And on that terrifying premonition, we'll wrap things up for now,

but we'll be back in a month with even more Bible Peace Theater. Before we go into a whole big outro this week, I want to remind you that I sound like this and it hurts to talk, so I'm going to give you the short version of the outro this time. We have other shows. We'll be back next week. Heath and Eli are awesome. Lucinda is too, but she feels even worse than I sound, so she couldn't be here today. You can donate money, and I'll pretend your genitals are far more impressive

than they probably really are. If you fuck with us, Andrew will sue you. If you like our shit on Facebook, Tim will be happy. It's Morgan's fault you can hear the show. Our website is thenameofourthing.com I enjoyed ass potatoes. I enjoyed ass potatoes. That's fine. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copy ass potatoes. That's fine.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.