The Scathing Atheist - 370: Socially Distant Edition

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Starting point is 00:00:39 live stream. This and every Saturday till this thing is over from 8 p.m till 10 p.m eastern on youtube the stay the fuck home live stream if you're gonna be trapped inside you might as well be trapped with us and now the scathing atheist this is the coronavirus everyone who's out there listening in your cars thanks for helping me spread around. For those of you who have the common sense to stay home, just remember that you did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's March 19th. And it's the first day of spring. Yeah, not the best year to have allergies. No, it's Thursday. It's March 19th. And it's the first day of spring.

Starting point is 00:01:45 Yeah, not the best year to have allergies. No, it's not. I mean, if you want the whole train to yourself, it is. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Buzz Aldrin's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, sometimes we do a good one from Jersey, this is The Scathing Atheist.

Starting point is 00:02:03 On this week's episode, Christians will prove they can always out-crazy a public panic. Donald Trump tells us to be prayer the Ides of March. And we'll meet a cult that was hiding in their homes before it was cool. But first, the diatribe. they say that when all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail and all i have is an atheist podcast so i have to keep that in mind right i have to constantly ask myself am i just slamming my atheist hammer around in hopes of finding a nail or does religion actually create or exacerbate every goddamn problem that has or will ever emerge in the universe i mean don't get me wrong i'm not saying religion created this pandemic i'm also not saying it didn't though right like who the fuck knows the

Starting point is 00:03:06 full extent of their anti-scientific bullshit they've steered countless minds away from things like science in general and biology in particular they actively stand in the way of shit like stem cell research all while promoting a dangerous self-serving skepticism of objective fact how the fuck do you begin to calculate all the breakthroughs that they've stifled delayed or prevented but we do not need to step into such esoteric realms to pin a flaming bag of blame on religion for this shit i mean either i'm swinging maslow's hammer like donkey kong is throwing barrels at me or they've signed their name on this disaster like they were going to hang it in a goddamn museum consider this robert redfield motherfucker i'm gonna be honest i'd never heard of this guy until the crisis broke out he's the head of the cdc and by the standards of

Starting point is 00:03:50 the donald trump administration he's more or less qualified and that's a pretty low bar right he'd satisfy the qualifications for that sentence as long as he'd done a medicine thing once so but stay with me here redfield is a virologist who made a name for himself with pioneering aids research back when he was working at the walter reed medical center but he also pissed away a ton of money on an hiv vaccine idea that he was later accused of radically overselling accused to the point that the army did a misconduct investigation actually ultimately they said he didn't do anything wrong but it shot his credibility with a lot of people and he retired from the army shortly thereafter so why was a guy with such an obvious blemish on his career put in charge of the CDC? Let alone a guy who had pretty much zero experience running a big bureaucracy.

Starting point is 00:04:33 Well, for that, we have to click on the tab at the bottom of his Wikipedia page that says see also sexual abstinence. abstinence. See, back when he was in his AIDS research heyday, he was a big proponent of abstinence-only education as the chief means for halting the virus's spread. And that, of course, means that he was opposed to contraception. He stood between condoms and Africa in the 80s. That's a roundabout way of saying he killed people with AIDS. that's a roundabout way of saying he killed people with AIDS. Now, he's come out since then and said that maybe free condoms would be more effective than telling people not to fuck. But we have to wonder whether he really believes that or he's just trying to satiate depression. What's more, the only goddamn reason anybody wanted him for this job is because we have to wonder about that.

Starting point is 00:05:22 Right? And now, here we are, the fucking guy that religion brought to the party lo and behold his only qualifications are loving the right dead carpenter and nobody outside of the donald trump fox news circle jerk is denying that he and his cdc have fucked every outbreak monkey between wuhan and washington state in their response to this thing and and every indication is that redfield has just been staring into those headlights for weeks, wondering why the fucking car hasn't run him over yet. It's been a horrible clusterfuck precisely because the man at the top had no clue what he was doing. But it's not like the only person in charge that attained their position solely because of

Starting point is 00:06:00 religious affiliation was this motherfucker. When it became clear that Redfield wasn't up to the task of helming the response, schmuck on the ranch turned another other than Mike fucking Pence to take over in his stead. And as I'm sure you'll recall, he's only there because he won the hearts of evangelical bigots by holding his breath the longest as to whether Christian restaurants had to serve gay people. Look, as partisan as our politics have gotten of late, and many would say that's historically partisan, we still don't give a shit whether our doctors are Democrats or Republicans. If an American discovers a vaccine for this thing, we're not going to ask who he voted for in 2016 before we take it. If the CDC makes a recommendation, Democrats won't ignore it because it's a Republican-controlled department. I mean, yes, Trump managed to inject partisan politics

Starting point is 00:06:43 into the situation. We labeled it a Democratic fucking hoax. But by and large, Americans aren't buying into that. Pretty much all of us are abiding by the recommendation of our public health professionals, except, of course, as we'll discuss throughout this goddamn episode, religious people. Because as bad as our partisan politics have gotten, we're still willing to set them aside when shit really hits the fan. Sure, we're all going to retreat back to our own set of facts when this is all over, but Republicans and Democrats are going to come together on this shit, at least through the crisis. Christianity, though, will not. Their commitment to their idiosyncratic facts that is far greater than anything party affiliation can muster. Hell, you get religious enough and you're

Starting point is 00:07:21 willing to die over this shit. Look, anytime you have a person obtaining an important job for some reason other than their qualifications, you should be worried. And not only does religion allow for that, it insists on it. Let me be clear what I mean here, because, you know, I'm sure there are people listening to this and objecting to the notion that this is somehow worse than partisan politics. They'll point out that, you know, this shit happens regardless of religion. Right. It's not like President Joe Biden would install a CDC head that had publicly spoken out against Obamacare, even if that person was the most shit happens regardless of religion right it's not like president joe biden would install a cdc head that had publicly spoken out against obamacare even if that person was the most qualified to do the job and yes that would be an example of letting a political consideration

Starting point is 00:07:53 override a qualification and that's fair but that's an order of magnitude lower than what i'm fucking talking about at least there's a very big difference between holding a minority view on policy and holding a minority view on biology they're talking about you jesus this broadcast will bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the main course and dessert to my appetizer heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to dig in and before you ask, I am vegan and room temperature. Oh, no. Great. Eli's a grass-fed steak, basically. So, perfect.

Starting point is 00:08:31 Yeah, let's hope we get full on Heath. In our lead story tonight, we're all trapped in Act 1 of a zombie movie, and that makes it really hard to do headlines that don't have a holy fuck, we're all going to die feel to them. So, in an effort to spice up our coverage of the pandemic i've decided to present our coronavirus stories this week in the form of a wacky quiz show so gentlemen are you ready to play oh you know i am noah all right hands on your buzzers that is not your buzzer eli agree to disagree is it buzz all right so first question according to the christian idiots we talk about on this show what is the coronavirus is it a a distraction so that trump can purge the deep state b a north korean bio weapon c satan's way of killing old people so that socialism can thrive or d all of the above oh i know this heath uh it's definitely d all the above? Oh, I know this. Heath.

Starting point is 00:09:26 It's definitely D, all of the above. It's all of those things. Oh! That is correct. It's one nothing. According to firefighter prophet and human body dragging accessory entrepreneur Mark Taylor, the virus is being used to distract the journalist

Starting point is 00:09:40 while Trump takes down the secret satanic pedophile ring that Hillary was running. And to be clear, Taylor is a Trump supporter. And he's very confused. Yeah. His explanation is that Trump engineered a deadly virus so that he can secretly round up journalists, business leaders and media personalities that fuck babies for the devil. And then hold a press conference with those people which was odd yeah in dc like down the road from comet ping pong yeah right he's confused it's the perfect crime stopping which is legal shit let me start over wait he want people to know of course we also learned from

Starting point is 00:10:19 jerry falwell jr this week the coronavirus was probably a North Korean bioweapon, which was said not in a spittle-filled tirade outside of a defunct public restroom in a dilapidated park, but rather on Fox and Friends, the spittle-filled tirade outside of a defunct public restroom in a dilapidated park of cable news. Yeah, that tracks. By the way, Candace Owen needs a show called Fox and Black Friend. Oh, yes. Okay, Noah, this all sounds pretty reasonable to me, but how is Satan involved?

Starting point is 00:10:53 That is a great question, Eli. Well, according to right-wing watch up-and-comer Perry Stone, the virus is, quote, almost like a spirit of Amalek that is trying to attack our older people, end quote. He goes on to explain that young people these days are the, quote, pro-socialist, pro-communist, give me your money and I'll do what I want with it group, end quote, because the irony of a preacher demonizing Christ's basic social philosophy and a lack of transparency when dealing with other people's money, burns so goddamn bright he'll never need a bulb anymore. So that'll be nice.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Yeah, if we wanted to attack old people, we'd push to cut back Social Security. We'd come up with something that you're doing. Yes, and as Andrew has made us clarify several times, we do not want to attack old people. Those tweets were jokes. Very elaborate, very specific. Now, those might seem contradictory to the overly logical atheist mind. But when you can worship the guy who invented face cancer, his son and a ghost, all while being a monotheist, accepting the coronavirus is a good bad thing that Satan is using to take down his own pedophile ring is pretty easy the perfect crime there it is wait

Starting point is 00:12:11 all right wait wait that was just the first question second question according to religion which of the following is not a cause of the coronavirus a gay pride parades. B. All the non-parading gay stuff too. C. Abortion and false gods. Or D. Rituals where everybody puts their nasty ass mouth on the same cup. Eli. I'm going to go with D. 250 girls, one cup. That is right sir according to rabbi mayer mazuz a gay pride parade is quote a parade against nature and when something goes against nature the one who created

Starting point is 00:12:52 nature takes revenge on him end quote and since vaccinations are against the natural bodily response to deadly diseases i'm sure the good rabbi will maintain that standard even when one becomes available. All right. Well, once we get a vaccine, it's officially time for Jade Helm 19. We're doing that. Antivax or FEMA cages inside every Walmart. Bubbles. And they're not allowed to have it. They have to walk the walk on this shit.

Starting point is 00:13:21 My favorite thing about that story is that when you watch the video clip of the Israeli news while they're reporting it, both anchors keep interjecting to be like, oh, fuck that guy. Fuck this guy's a fucking douchebag. Yeah, it's like cognitive dissonance. It's amazing. Of course, homophobic pastor Stephen Andrew, not to be confused with far more accomplished homophobe Stephen Anderson, thinks Rabbi Mazuz is adding extra steps here and points out that no parade is necessary to anger the Almighty. He sent out desperate pleas for America to repent of, quote, LGBT false gods, abortion and other sins, end quote. You know, just in case any Christians were curious who to blame for the shit that's their guy's fault. Yeah, they're really bad at these conspiracy theories. They're not coming

Starting point is 00:14:06 up with the right stuff. This is just Margaret Atwood trying to sell books. This is a real simple one. Her husband knocks on her study door. Hon, I hate to do this, but chapter four just became the news again. I know. Alright, but one thing that

Starting point is 00:14:22 numerous religious leaders were able to quickly exempt from blame, though, was numerous religious leaders. See, the Church of Cyprus announced that they have no intention to discontinue communion services since, quote, it would be blasphemous to thinkga, sorry, it's Polish, echoed with that sentiment in a plea with Polish Catholics to continue attending services since, quote, Christ does not spread germs and viruses, end quote. And if you're comforted by how far away you are from Poland and Greece, I should also point out that Monsignor Charles Pope of Washington goddamn D.C. wrote an op-ed where he argued that it didn't even matter if communion spread disease since spiritual health is vastly more important than physical health. Cool, cool.

Starting point is 00:15:13 Oh, that's great that they believe that. So no more Christians allowed in hospitals then. That's what's happening now. There you go. They're going to have it anyway, right? Great triage, Monsignor. Yeah, make that decision for us. Okay, but for these three guys, that's a testable claim right like these guys should all be perfectly fine with eating a

Starting point is 00:15:31 transubstantiated wafer that i held between my cheeks during a sweaty run put up or shut up guys you wouldn't be able to hold it that whole time all right wait i got another question for you guys we're tied up here according to pastor jonathan shuttlesworth who continues to say things publicly even after guaranteeing that the u.s would be spared from coronavirus because of how pro-israel trump is pastors who shut down their churches over the deadly pandemic are a socially responsible b looking out for the best interest of their congregants or C. Neutered pansies. Heath. Neutered pansies.

Starting point is 00:16:10 That is correct. Yes. Yes. It's not just for those who shut down their churches. This also goes for people who remind their congregants to wash their goddamn hands. Quote, if you're putting out pamphlets and telling everybody to use purell before they go into the sanctuary and don't greet anyone you should just turn in your ministry credentials and burn your church down wait what credentials yeah right yes good question he has like a diploma on his wall

Starting point is 00:16:39 in his ministry room yeah it's my badge and my gun. I'm out. He continues, you're a loser. Bunch of pansies, no balls, got neutered somewhere along the line and don't even realize it. What?

Starting point is 00:16:54 End quote. Okay, along what line? Yeah, right? You see this? You see this? I stole this from the dumpster

Starting point is 00:17:03 outside of the hospital and now, now I'm going to drink it. I'm a big boy. I'm a big manly boy. All right. I like this ice bath. I've got a tough one for you. During a live stream last week, televangelist Kenneth Copeland offered to remotely cure coronavirus for his audience

Starting point is 00:17:21 if they were willing to reach through their computer screens and or tv screens to touch his oily what a hair b fish c tate or d palms eli uh secret answer e poop oh i'm sorry that's incorrect it's always going to be one of the answers. There's no secret answer. So, Heath, for the steal? Was it his palms? That is correct. That'll give you a two-point lead.

Starting point is 00:17:56 Damn it. All right, next question. Noted Christian prophetess Cindy Jacobs, who you'll remember for turning metal into bone, was able to stop the spread of the coronavirus by declaring it what? A. Banished in the name of Jesus. B. Illegal. C. A Mexican caravan.

Starting point is 00:18:16 Or D. Unwelcome. Heath. Well, I don't know the answer, but it's been the last choice on every question so far. So I'm going to go with D, unwelcome. Oh, I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Great guess, though. Eli, for the steal.

Starting point is 00:18:34 Mixed up the pattern. I'm going to go with B, oily poop. What? Well, technically, you got it right because B was illegal, not oily poop. But B was correct because, yes, she prayed in the name of Jesus and declared the virus illegal in God's earth. So that was two weeks ago. Somebody arrest Tom Hanks and we've got this covered. Oh, they are.

Starting point is 00:18:57 Yeah. They are. And don't worry. ICE is stopping all the tan coronaviruses and asking for paperwork as they walk around. Okay. I mean, technically putting babies in cages is social isolation. stopping all the tan coronaviruses and asking for paperwork as they walk around. Okay. I mean, technically, putting babies in cages is social isolation. Maybe ICE was just way ahead of its time.

Starting point is 00:19:14 What do you think about that? Final question. This one is worth double. So like every quiz we've ever done on this show, it's going to come down to the final question. Okay. Price is right rules here. Closest to the actual number without going over. After seeing government officials and health experts recommending that people cancel all non-essential gatherings and try not to congregate in large numbers, the New Life Christian Center of Austin, Texas declared such efforts, quote, raw, unmitigated stupidity, end quote, and set a church attendance goal of how many people?

Starting point is 00:19:45 Eli. Three kajillion. Okay. One dollar. Yeah, obviously it would be. All right, Morgan, drum roll, please. The actual number is 250. So it was a real number, but congratulations, everybody loses.

Starting point is 00:20:08 Well, not if everyone at the New Life Christian Center of Austin kicks it. Seems like that's kind of a self-selecting way to make Austin even cooler. So, silver lining. All right, yeah, hells yeah. And on the depressing admission that there were literally too many

Starting point is 00:20:19 Christians have terrifyingly stupid reaction to genuine global threat stories for us to cram them into our fucking show without fundamentally changing the format we're gonna pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda this quiz could have gone on for another 16 more fucking stories there were so many more stories a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race you're a slut right slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man.

Starting point is 00:20:47 This Week in Massage. All right, so I get that the whole headlines have just been dumb shit Christian said and or did with regards to the pandemic. But I've got to toss out my nominations for the two dumbest comments I saw. The first one came from Lori Alexander. for the two dumbest comments I saw. The first one came from Lori Alexander. And you have to forgive me because this is a weekly show, so I don't get a chance to chime in on some of this shit right away.

Starting point is 00:21:14 She said this in the bygone era of Friday, back when coronavirus was still just a Democratic hoax engineered to make Trump look bad. So, of course, his evangelical supporters were still in downplay mode, which is probably why she was so quick to point out how much less dangerous COVID-19 is than, say, trans people. So, after assuring people that the virus is nowhere near as bad as bubonic plague or polio, and therefore couldn't possibly be dangerous, she adds that, quote, many of the things going on in our culture are much more destructive to our culture than this virus or the stock market crashing, end quote. And you can bet your ass that she had a list of examples that included abortion, trans kids, and pornography.

Starting point is 00:21:56 And look, when it comes to things that are dangerous to Lori Alexander's culture, I'm all for them. That being said, I still still think she's wrong it's hard to imagine something more damaging to laurie alexander's culture than a disease that disproportionately kills off the elderly and people too dumb to wash their hands but to be fair that was only the second dumbest non-presidential comment i saw about the outbreak since the last episode for the gold medal we'll have to shift gears and look to Lori Alexander later. Fast forward to Tuesday. It's four days later.

Starting point is 00:22:29 Trump knew it was going to be a pandemic. He never called it a hoax. And we've always been at war with Oceana. And now Lori's job isn't to downplay the virus so much as to find a silver lining. And what silver lining did she find? Why, the way it's domesticating all those uppity feminists. Quote, the virus is clearly showing the great value there is to having mothers at home with their children. They can protect them from the virus and homeschool them.

Starting point is 00:22:54 It's just the way God intended it to be. Maybe crisis always shows that God's ways are far superior to man's. End quote. And look, normally I'd be inclined to disagree with her across the board but to be fair i'd have to qualify it like if the man whose response we're talking about is donald trump she's right god never lied about how serious it was or used it to incite racism against chinese people all the non-existent people whether dead or fictional had better responses than he did.

Starting point is 00:23:28 But even if she's partially sort of right accidentally, there's something about saying that 9,000 deaths and counting is worth it if it teaches working moms to barefoot it up in the kitchen. That really irks me regardless. Anyway, with hopes that some non-virus stuff will sneak its way into the news cycle before we talk again, I'll hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines in Deep Blue Sea fake news. You know, one of the questions we get most often here at The Scathing Atheist is,

Starting point is 00:23:59 what's the most convincing argument you've ever heard for God's existence? And the truth is actually kind of boring because pretty much everything we've heard is tied for last place. I mean, sure, there are more or less clever word tricks like the Kalam cosmological argument. There are weirdly emotional and awkward ones like when people email us and tell us that Jesus is the only reason they don't drink anymore. But right down at the bottom of the barrel with you just want to be gay and why are there still monkeys are the dead sea squirrels yeah and they never

Starting point is 00:24:32 seem to understand my argument from reluctantly gay like that's just like a simple one two words heath and they're the same two i always use when you mention that interpretive dance. That's right. Damn it. That is right. Don't get the message. Now, regular listeners to the show will remember a couple of years ago when the Museum of the Bible in Washington, D.C., a $500 million museum owned by the same evangelical Christian family that runs Hobby Lobby, the people who brought you, we don't use UPC codes because

Starting point is 00:25:03 they're the mark of the beast. Yeah. be the people who brought you we don't use upc codes because they're the mark of the beast yeah they acquired 16 never before discovered fragments by among other shady business dealings literally giving money to terrorists yep now those same listeners will also remember when five of those fragments turned out to be fake when they were tested in 2018. Well, this year, fraud expert and my valentine forever in a day, Colette Lowell tested the rest of the paper scraps. And yes, you guessed it. They are all fake as well. I'm so happy about this. And now the Hobby Lobby people want to speak to the manager of the black market for ancient Iraqi relics

Starting point is 00:25:47 oh and of course we should also keep in mind that when the first five came back fake their reaction was to not test the other ones for years let's be clear on that now I should explain just how awesome Miss Loli is and no it is not just because she is pulling off the helmet hair that most women have been too afraid of since 1950. No, Lowell had a hunch that maybe the Museum of the Bible might not be super, how do you say, honest about whether or not one of their most expensive exhibits was fake. So before she agreed to test the Dead Sea Scrolls, she insisted that, quote, museum officials wouldn't be allowed to offer any input. Her report would be the final word on those artifacts, and the information would be made public either way so the museum couldn't bury the truth, end quote.

Starting point is 00:26:39 And the museum was like, what? Obviously, no. Obviously, we just do like that. The shovels are to different shovel thing all right to be fair though you need a shovel to get through any museum of the bible that's worth its salt right exactly so yeah there's actually a fascinating article about this in national geographic link in the show notes But an interesting fact from the article I read is not only are all 16 fragments fake, they're all fake in the same way. And therefore, we're probably made by the same person,

Starting point is 00:27:12 which means there's a good chance this tax-free Bible museum didn't just give money to terrorists. They got fucking duped by them. Yep. Do we have any dead sea scrolls? As a matter of fact, we do. We do. Just a second.

Starting point is 00:27:32 I'm just going to grab this Sharpie. I'll be back in a second. Yeah, they're in the back. We keep them in the back. They're in the back. I have those. In the back. I'll probably have to look for them for at least 18 minutes.

Starting point is 00:27:45 And in blue cloister cult news. Brilliant. We have a couple more things to report about the coronavirus. And this one has some good news and some bad news. First, the bad news. A large secretive Christian cult is responsible for spreading a terrifying amount of coronavirus in South Korea. The good news, Park Won-soon, the mayor of the city of Seoul,

Starting point is 00:28:11 is suing that group for murder because he gives no fucks and I love him. Oh, I was afraid the only good news would be some number of dead members of a large secretive Christian cult in South Korea, but there's even more. Okay, great. of dead members of a large secretive christian cult in south korea but there's even more okay great so south korea is one of the countries that's been hit the worst by the outbreak so far with over 8 000 diagnosed cases side note here in the u.s the number is somewhere between 3 000 and uh 330 million because we've been trying really hard not to fucking say, but regardless,

Starting point is 00:28:49 super bad in South Korea too. And according to South Korea's Center for Disease Control, this religious cult I'm talking about is responsible for about 60% of all cases in the country. Okay, okay, but to their credit,

Starting point is 00:29:04 their tradition of spitting in each other's mouths is way less creepy than the peace be with you thing we do here in the united states that's true so the christian cult they're called the shin chanji church of jesus the temple of the tabernacle of the testimony already needs to get shut down just for the name are you kidding me they also go by shin chanji church of jesus for sure what no it's fuck you scotch tot is available go with scotch tot scotch tot and apparently they were told by the government to stop having big gatherings and to stop going all over the place and evangelizing because of uh you know the disease outbreak well it turns out the cult is a bunch of idiots and liars so they ignored

Starting point is 00:29:52 the government's emergency safety orders like idiots then lied about it and then caused about 6 000 new cases that we know of and counting. Yeah. No, it's like the epidemiological version of them existing theologically, I guess. Yup. So in response to this whole thing, Mayor Park decided to do some quick murder math. So let's go through that along with him. Most experts are putting the mortality rate somewhere between like 0.5 percent and 3.5 percent so let's be generous to our lady of plague the cult over there and call it one percent mortality rate that means they've already caused about 60 deaths so mayor park went to the prosecutor's office and said

Starting point is 00:30:41 hey i'd like to report a murder spree of 60 people so far because he's the hero that gotham deserves the best gotham maybe the hero south korea deserves is a fatal ass worm that takes out the kim dynasty but that's he's pretty good that would be the like most decorated ass worm in history if trump hadn't already given that medal of freedom to limbaugh maybe the second most decorated ass probably so hey mayor park really hope you're listening and we know you are because big fan we'd like you to move to the united states and become the next attorney general or you know what even better the next absolute monarch. Let's go with absolute monarch. You know, just for a few years, while you prosecute all the ignorance-based murders, I'm thinking we start with religion blocking science and religion teaming up with Republicans to block healthcare and equitable wealth distribution. There's just a lot of murder

Starting point is 00:31:42 built into all that stuff but on the bright side we will have plenty of for-profit jails for those people thanks to those same people so that'll work we're job creators here at the scathing atheist you're welcome conservatives you're welcome and in good a news thank you thank you canadian justice minister david lemeni has put forward a bill that would outlaw conversion therapy for kids and make it illegal to profit from doing it to adults which feels like a weird loophole but it's something and this week i will take what i can get okay so you can still run a conversion therapy for 18-year-olds, but it has to be financially mismanaged? Correct.

Starting point is 00:32:28 Yeah, right. If it's in the red, you're good? If they, like, buy a stupid sports car at the end of every year, it goes past their profits? What the fuck? Well, okay, so to be clear, because we've actually covered several of these stories recently, there's a big difference from a legal standpoint between telling people, you can't do this to yourself and you can't do this to your kids right like it makes sense a solid 60 percent of the things i do to myself would be illegal if you did them to a kid i i feel like for eli and heat that number is even higher so for the record they don't lump me in with the weird eli it's just higher than yours um but for the record this is not a case of canada trying to like

Starting point is 00:33:06 you know grandfather in non-profit adult conversion therapy centers or anything that's you know that's fair that's worthy to point out so in an interview with ctv news lametti tore into the practice of torturing children until they pretend to be not gay or trans saying quote conversion therapy is premised on a lie that being homosexual, lesbian, bisexual or trans is wrong and in need of fixing. Not only is that false, it sends a demeaning and degrading message that undermines the dignity of individuals and the LGBTQ community as a whole. Contrary to what some might say, there is no right or wrong when it comes to who you are or who you love. End quote. Not adding

Starting point is 00:33:46 even if that person happens to be the no longer alive corpse of Phyllis Schlafly and your business partners should respect that. You're right, Eli. He didn't add that. Either way, this is a great step forward for Canada.

Starting point is 00:34:01 We're very proud of them and Phyllis and I will be celebrating in the best way I know how. Absolutely not. Nope. Absolutely no. Okay, technically, it's still social distancing, so you should be proud of me.

Starting point is 00:34:18 And finally tonight. Because she's dead. Yeah, yeah, got it. We got it. So before we wrap it up, we have one more update about the coronavirus and much like a bunch of the news on this topic it comes in multiple choice format news format one of the following is true either a trump tested negative for covid-19. B, Trump tested positive and his in-house doctor,

Starting point is 00:34:47 who said he's 6'3", 235, that guy lied about medical information. Or C, Trump never took the test and then got asked about what the test was like and answered almost exact quote hats test i mean in defense of that doctor he was probably sitting there going oh you want me not to test you for a disease statistically guaranteed to kill the worst sitting president in 50 years yes yes you're good to go go ahead i'm sorry eli in 50 years i mean i'm sorry i'm not In 50 years? I'm sorry. I won't defend Dick Nixon against much, but that's a little harsh. Even on the tapes, he didn't say anything as bad as the, if they die in international waters, our numbers look better lines. That's true.

Starting point is 00:35:37 That's true. All right. So here's the chain of events. events. Last week, it was reported that Trump was in contact with several people who later tested positive for the virus, including a Brazilian government official who sat at Trump's table during a dinner. And in response, Trump announced during a press conference that he did not need to be tested, but said he'd most likely get tested anyway. And then moments later that day, the White House released a letter from Trump's doctor claiming the president was low risk, despite him being literally the definition of high risk, according to the CDC. At which point, Dr. Anthony Fauci's face started twitching even more violently than it already was.

Starting point is 00:36:20 And Fauci continued his job of screaming real information into the void so people can go ahead and ignore it. Also known as being the chief of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. That poor guy. He's having a tough time. His job for the whole month has just been like, okay, everyone, so what we need you to do is wash your hands and... Murder each other for toilet paper?

Starting point is 00:36:42 Because that's what I'm going to do. No, please don't. Oh, I'm a doctor. Okay. You're gone. Dr. Fauci deserves all the blowjobs when this is all over. It's rough.

Starting point is 00:36:54 I already donated several at modestneeds.org. Everybody check it out. Go to modestneeds.org. They do not take blowjobs, let me tell you. No, they don't. That's me clear. Strong guy. And by the way, this story gets even dumber

Starting point is 00:37:07 that night after the press conference trump allegedly got tested by the doctor who said that there was no need for trump to be tested and we were all told that the test came back negative and that's when cnn reporter dan Daniel Dale started asking questions. I think he started with, liar says what? And Trump said, what? So Dale kept asking and he kept going and said, okay, describe the test. And Trump said exact words, I've been very strongly tested. What?

Starting point is 00:37:44 I'll have you know, I got both the circle and both dots, so I am fine. I now have the cootie shot. Yeah, not going to tell them it's actually two circles. But yeah, strongly tested. Damn it. That's good to know. Sarah Huckabee Sanders shoved a swab in his nose aggressively, like more than normal. Cool.

Starting point is 00:38:06 But that wasn't quite enough of an answer for, for reporter Dale. So he asked very specifically, what was it like to take the test? Brilliant. Trump responded again, exact quote, exact quote,

Starting point is 00:38:22 not, not something I want to do every day. You know, it's a little bit of a, it's a little bit of good doctors in the White House, but it's a test. It's a test. It's a medical test. It is, though. That's correct, though. Is the end of my exact answer. It is a medical test. It is, though. That's correct, though. Is the end of my exact answer.

Starting point is 00:38:47 It is a medical test. So to be clear, Hatz would have been a step up from his actual response. It would have. I would have given anything in the world for someone, anyone who's just been like, sorry, quick follow up. Describe a medical test right now. Just describe any medical test for us you dance yeah he's dancing okay so uh that's a very probable answer c he never took the test so still hope i guess yeah right right and on the silverest of silver linings we're going to close

Starting point is 00:39:24 off the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Donald Trump dance battle medical test. And when we come back, we'll listen to a damn appropriate song about limiting unnecessary trips to the grocery store. Hey, podcast listener, are you stuck inside? Are you so bored you think you might die from it? He's constantly refreshing your social media feed, slowly driving you insane. Well, then we'd like to invite you to the Scathing Atheist Stay the Fuck Home live stream this Saturday and every Saturday from 8 to 10 p.m. Eastern, as long as we're all trapped in our houses.

Starting point is 00:40:02 We'll be inviting along some of our funniest friends to play games, answer questions, and generally take our minds off whatever the fuck this is. The Scathing Atheist Stay the Fuck Home livestream on YouTube. This Saturday and every Saturday for as long as this shit lasts. Because if you're going to be stuck inside, you might as well be stuck with us. Okay, now it sounds like a threat. Well, it kind of is.

Starting point is 00:40:33 In their ceaseless effort to craft a parallel world for their children sanitized of facts, Christians have created their own schools, museums, movies, TV networks, news sites, novels, amusement parks, summer camps, comic books, and, of course, music. And in their cease-full effort to make it good, their substitutes are invariably terrible, which sucks for Christian kids, but works out well for a segment that we like to call... God Awful Music. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Kathy Don't Go.

Starting point is 00:41:06 Yeah, we did. It's a music video about how Satan, the Prince of Darkness went to one particular supermarket and brought about the end of days in 1985 using

Starting point is 00:41:21 near field communication. And Eli, how bad was this video? Okay, first off, need to thank Eric who actually sent this to us. So thank you, Eric. Well, if you were sure any minute, the world was going to end in 1974. And then again,

Starting point is 00:41:42 every time credit card technology has moved forward since then then but you won't social distance because your cousin got the flu last winter and he turned out fine you will love this movie oh my god all right so this is one of the weirdest fucking things we've ever seen to be clear though this music video was produced by a group that probably earns the title of crazy, fucked up pedophile cult even more than the Roman Catholic Church. All right. So I looked into these guys. This is a cult that was started by a guy named Dave Berg, not the Mad Magazine cartoonist.

Starting point is 00:42:17 That would have been a way weirder story. And he preached about the sacredness of child sexuality. Yuck. So no surprise. he and his organization have been accused of every kind of sex abuse you can name berg himself was accused of molestation by his granddaughter his other granddaughter his adopted son his nanny's daughter and others yeah which you think would be weird for him to deny right after preaching that yeah yeah it's like if all the jews got together and we were like

Starting point is 00:42:45 beards we never had beards what are you talking about right oh and uh speaking of jewsberg was also an outspoken anti-semite and racist he blamed jews for pretty much as much shit as your aunt kathy blames obama for and he said black people were being used by the antichrist to bring about the apocalypse which he predicted would happen in 1974 also there aren't many pictures of this guy because and this is amazing he insisted that his religious followers always scratch his face out of photos and replace it with a pencil drawing of an anthropomorphic lion uh which by the way i would also prefer that.

Starting point is 00:43:25 So if anyone is trapped at home right now, feels like going through my Facebook photos, getting to work. Yeah, you guys have some time. I'll support some independent artists. And you may have heard of this cult, by the way. It's called the Family International, but it used to be called Children of God. Among his acolytes, Berg's acolytes were rose mcgowan and river and joaquin phoenix they were all raised in this cult yep and uh by the way this cult would use a

Starting point is 00:43:52 technique called exact words flirty fishing to get more people and that was just like i'll fuck you if you join my cult yep fucking people into the cult they they fucked over like 200 000 people into the cult with flirty fishing according to stats i read also they believe that their whole cult is in a sexual relationship with jesus yeah they do they're supposed to imagine jesus is there during sex and masturbation. And this is my favorite part. Yes. The male members, they're supposed to imagine themselves as women, so that's not gay. Yes.

Starting point is 00:44:32 Yep. Also, just about the flirty fishing thing, I just want to say, I mean, atheists do that too. It's just called fucking, and it works great to be fair. It works really, really well. All right. You don't have to join our. It works really, really well. All right.

Starting point is 00:44:46 You don't have to join our cult, though. No, really. Yeah, exactly. But you do. You do. If you weren't fucking, and then you fucked. When atheists start flirty fishing, you usually have to call someone, and there has to be an investigation. It's not a good thing.

Starting point is 00:44:59 It's true. Marsh tells on you. It's a tattletale. All right. tells on you so tattletale all right so what we watched though was the guy who started that cult's fever dreams acted out in the style of a 1980s pop music video and i'm gonna go ahead and say it it's weirder than i'm making it sound yes it is yes it is all right so we're gonna open this whole thing up on that with there's a girl and's at the table, and she's listening to a hip radio DJ urging her to head on down and get her 666 barcode implant today.

Starting point is 00:45:31 Hey, you hip cats and Sally Smashers, get a tattoo on your forehead that's the same as Apple Pay. It's exactly that. Yeah. And it's a weirdly super honest commercial from Satan for his thing. Like, he's thinking like, you know, we'll just lean into it. Yeah, right. Own the triple six thing, right? Also, she's eating an apple here, which is super subtle.

Starting point is 00:45:58 Oh, I didn't notice that. It's too subtle for me. It was way too subtle. So Kathy stands up. She's going to go get her devil stamp. And then the song starts. And as she's walking, she's walking to the grocery store. And as the music

Starting point is 00:46:10 starts, we watch these people. We're cutting over to these people whose faces have been sewn into happy expressions, dancing around in between shots of Kathy walking to the store. Oh, the outfits are fantastic. Everyone is dressed like they got kicked off the set of saved by the bell.

Starting point is 00:46:28 Okay. Yeah. This dance troupe is the greatest thing ever. They exist somewhere in real life. Like we can find these people. We could like, they reenact this when they get together and hang out. God,

Starting point is 00:46:42 I hope so. So crazy. So it's like five Christian girls clearly from this cult. Yeah. But also a tattoo from Fantasy Island. He's there too. Yeah. Oh, wait.

Starting point is 00:46:54 We're going to get the Satan tattoo. Maybe it's like a reference. Call forward. Yeah. You think they were doing that? All right. So the song starts on the lyric start off the repeated refrain that'll get stuck in your ear for 60 years after you watch this video is,

Starting point is 00:47:06 Kathy, don't go to the supermarket today. We cut to this fucking supermarket that's filled with fucking bad guys from an Inspector Gadget episode or something. Okay, so yeah, there's definitely Inspector Gadget bad guy with like the weird trench coat, There's definitely Inspector Gadget bad guy with the weird trench coat. But there's also Cobra Commander's helicopter pilots are guarding the operation there. Why are there helicopter pilots?

Starting point is 00:47:35 What does that have to do with this? They're going to parachute out right before it explodes. I know that they are. We should also point out that the supermarket is otherwise unchanged except for the evil people in it. So it's like bread for ninety nine ominous inspector gadget villain. Jeez. Food. All right. So then we get the chorus, which is here's the lyrics.

Starting point is 00:47:59 Kathy, don't go to the supermarket today because there's a very strange man at the checkout stand. And there's a laser scanner where you put your hand and as he says that they show this UPC scanner and they desperately want it to look evil but it's a UPC scanner. It's just a scanner. You can't make something

Starting point is 00:48:18 evil and scary when it goes boop. That's just silly now. Evil inventory management hard to make a boop evil it's true she goes little hearings go kathy don't go to the supermarket today without a computer id there's no way to pay and then we and also we should point out trench coat sunglasses bad guy he's wearing a hello my name is sticker with 666 drawn sloppily onto it basically right i missed that this is also where we see the first group of people who've got it on their head oh yes and i know we've said it before but it bears repeating

Starting point is 00:48:57 who goes for head when hand is an option it's a weird choice it's a really weird pick yeah so you get apparently like a black face or like a gray face if you go for the head one and you get the barcode and yeah again why who goes for the face like that means you would have to wave your head over that scanner just trying it over it won't boot me uh move over i need to get in sideways move over let scanner just trying it over and over? It won't boop me. Move over. I need to get in sideways. Move over. Let me get behind it. I need to get behind the counter. Alright, and then we get the strongest lyric in the song, in my opinion.

Starting point is 00:49:34 I know there's a sale and a special on rice and you can buy beans at a giveaway price. Yes. Nailed it. And by the way, this fucking town, this town goes nuts for a good rice sale. It's like trying to buy

Starting point is 00:49:48 toilet paper at Walmart in this motherfucker. That's right. Look, Satan has many tools at his disposal. Lust, anger,

Starting point is 00:49:58 unbeatable prices on rice. We are slashing prices on rice bags but then okay and then the lyric goes but that's just their way to get you down there what you don't know is that they're everywhere okay herculean effort to get that into the rhyme scheme by the way feels like the face paint and the forehead barcode are gonna catch the eye you can't you can't you don't know that they're everywhere at that point well yeah and also those lyrics make no fucking sense right i was willing

Starting point is 00:50:37 to forgive that whole rice price rhyme when i thought it was going somewhere but this sentence is ridiculous what does their ubiquity have to do with their bean prices this is insanity anyway okay it carries on we also we also get another dance oh yeah like hip-hop tai chi whatever the fuck they're doing i love it so much all right so the the song continues kathy don't go to the supermarket today they had a special program on the tv last night explaining calmly why these things must be done right there's a tv special made by satan explaining his plot that's that's what's happening like you said really really leaned into it this time yeah and oh and as he's singing this the way, we're watching a girl get her mark

Starting point is 00:51:26 of the beast in the background. Yeah. Apparently this forehead tattoo is going to get done at the dentist by the x-ray machine. Yeah, clearly. Which was confusing. And you're going to wear the bib.

Starting point is 00:51:41 You're going to wear a bib like you go at the dentist. Yeah, it's the same as the dentist one. They put the bib on you and walk out of the room. You sure this is okay to point directly at my head? It's fine. I'm leaving the room now. It's cool. There's a little bit of lead in there.

Starting point is 00:51:57 You're fine. Hold that knife I put in between your gums still. Yeah. Just hold the Bible up along your chest. Yeah, you'll be fine. Yeah. Just hold the Bible up along your chest Yeah And also We see here that they have a Detachable like showerhead Scanner for the people with the forehead one

Starting point is 00:52:12 So like I was like alright now I feel stupid To get the forehead one They could just boop you with the showerhead thing Meanwhile by the way They've sung Kathy don't go to the supermarket today 50 billion times Kathy's dumb ass Is still just walking to the supermarket. They show at this point they cut to the supermarket,

Starting point is 00:52:30 so they're scanning somebody's hand. I want it so bad for them to have to drag it over six times like you had to back in 85. Oh, so good. She's doing the self-checkout. They have to call over the manager to punch in her code. This seems slower than if you just... Satan to call over the manager to punch in her code. This seems slower than if you just... Satan to the front.

Starting point is 00:52:47 Satan to the front. I don't want to memorize the code for a grape. If you could just come over here and be the checkout clerk. Alright, and this is where we get the bridge. Oh, Kathy, can't you see what they're trying to do? And I'm like, I have the

Starting point is 00:53:03 benefit of the lyrics and I don't even know what the fuck they're playing. Everybody, this is where everybody turns around and shows us their UPC symbol foreheads and live with like a forest line. Yeah. This is also where they do a cutaway to the dance troupe and they, for no reason, do a Charlie's Angels pose. Yes. Yes.

Starting point is 00:53:27 And apparently, Satan's in the back of the supermarket watching in the security camera. Yeah. And the trench coat guy is just like a minion or like a high-level Satan manager guy. And Satan's

Starting point is 00:53:42 making sure, like, if you don't do the shopping cart choreography, he gets mad right yeah that's how we know that they've been like had their souls sucked out as they are all like you know going to get beans symmetrically and kathy yeah she's like watching this and she's going like wait a minute no human being would buy beans so symmetrically. So she knows something's up. And we go back to Satan for a second, and he's in the back being like, nice, they're doing the routine.

Starting point is 00:54:12 I love that that's a part of Satan's plan in these people's minds. He's like, yes, once your soul's been taken over, we'll hunt Christians for sport. No, I was thinking, you know, just like go at a diagonal as you're buying canned mandarin oranges. Right, yes. Yeah, so Kathy, and then the lyrics, by the thinking, you know, just like go at a diagonal as you're buying canned Mandarin oranges. Right.

Starting point is 00:54:26 Yes. Yeah. So Kathy and then the lyrics, by the way, say this isn't just a new craze. They want to make us their slaves. Apparently, it's supposed to be obvious how UPC symbols on our heads help them with that. I don't know. um i don't know so then at this point some dude in the video that we haven't met yet just runs up and tells kathy what the name of the song is oh he's like no you can't go to the supermarket we have a whole there's a whole there's a chorus and there's a bridge and everything

Starting point is 00:54:58 so they run off she doesn't go into the supermarket she She listens to the lyrics. Yeah. And then the evil trench coat guy, like for a second, he's like, all right, we're going to run after her. And then he's like, no, no, no, no. And the helicopter pilot guys have to be stopped by him. He's like, no, no, no, no guns, no guns. As they start to pull out their guns. I know I had you guys bring guns, but they got past safe. If you get all the way to the corner, that's safe. I thought maybe there'd be a helicopter chase here and then, you know, things would make sense.

Starting point is 00:55:30 Right. No, no, no. Sadly, no. Satan's just going to let this one go, you know, take the loss, set up shop at a different supermarket, find a different linchpin of humanity besides Kathy. I don't know. I guess. A different linchpin of humanity besides Kathy? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:55:44 I guess, yeah. And despite the fact that no one's chasing them, Kathy and this dude keep running all the way to the woods where they meet up with a group of campers that are waiting for them. And I have to give you this fucking lyric. This is so goddamn amazing. It says, Kathy, don't go to the supermarket today. Kathy, let's leave while there's still real time to get away, is the actual goddamn lyric.

Starting point is 00:56:06 So clumsy. Honey, don't worry. Just take my hand. We can make it even if we have to live off the land. Seems like an extreme solution for avoiding self checkout, but okay. And I just want to say those lyrics would have been a lot

Starting point is 00:56:21 funnier if I hadn't said that to my wife earlier today. It's a weird week for those lyrics would have been a lot funnier if I hadn't said that to my wife earlier today. It's a weird week for those lyrics. Eli's got a rose of sorghum just started in his backyard. Have you known that there's a black bean burger? I don't want to get into it.

Starting point is 00:56:37 So the two of them go off to live off the land and then we witness the last unironic leap in the air with your arms up freeze amazing it's that's literally how it ended yeah literal jumpy freeze frame it's the greatest did they join a cult of the mountains and the land that day yeah they, they did. Straight from the supermarket onto a mountain. She didn't even stop and pick up some shit. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:57:09 They wander off into the woods to starve slash freeze to death in jean shorts. Bad news. Satan's really slow playing his plot because it's, you know, a lot of years since 1985. He hasn't really pulled the trigger yet. They're still on that fucking mountain.

Starting point is 00:57:27 Oh, come on. Satan gives a press conference. He's like, and then one day in the middle of winter, like a miracle, all those mountain cults would be gone. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what. Audio, medium or no, I feel like we have to end this bit with us leaping up and doing a freeze frame. So while we prep for that, we're going to

Starting point is 00:57:46 sign off from yet another edition of God Awful Music. Are you guys ready? Ready. Go. Nope. Wasn't ready. Wasn't ready. Oh.

Starting point is 00:58:15 Before we make with the outtake tonight, I wanted to express our sympathies to all of our listeners around the world that are listening to this under quarantine or some other level of house arrest. I also want to cordially invite you to a live stream that we're going to be doing on Saturday. We figure there's no better time to make with some bonus content. So we're going to be doing a live stream. It's like a game night and a Q&A. And we're going to do it every Saturday night as long as the public health professionals are recommending social distancing. It's going to start at 8 p.m. Eastern time. We're still hashing out all the details.

Starting point is 00:58:34 So I can't fill you in on much. But check our Facebook page or follow at PIA Teapot on Twitter to stay up to date. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be socially distanced even after the pandemic if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for his virulent attacks on dogmatism, Lucinda Lusions for her feverish commitment to equality, and Eli Bosnick for his diseased sense of humor. I also want to thank the coronavirus for this week's Farnsworth quote, but ultimately that doesn't make up for all the killing people it's been doing. Okay? Okay.

Starting point is 00:59:08 But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Aisling Amoratus, Chris Caron, oh shit, a bear, Eric, Philip, Matthew, Kyle, Colin, Jake, Arnaud, Madeline, Julie, and Roar Becca. Aisling Amoratus, Chris Caron, and oh shit, a bear whose asses are so sexy toilet paper was desperately trying to get to them this week. Eric, Phillip, Matthew, Kyle, and Colin whose dicks are so big they can't stay six feet away from all the people without calculating launch windows. And Jake, Arnaud, Madeline, Julie, and Rar Becca, whose immune systems are so

Starting point is 00:59:33 badass coronaviruses have issued them warnings. Together, these 15 fabulous freethinkers forked over funding to fight the fabricated fuckery of faith this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash skatingalias, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or We'll see you next time. It's never been a better time to recommend podcasts to your friends. The legal services for this podcast, of course, are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

Starting point is 01:00:12 If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadeus.com. Finally tonight, that was a penis-sized joke. Great. Fun. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright a penis-sized joke. Great. Fun.

The Scathing Atheist - 370: Socially Distant Edition

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