The Scathing Atheist - 372: Quarantine Angst Edition

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

In this week’s episode, we discuss the dangerous condition of quarantine angst, Christianity looks on the bright side of hundreds of thousands of deaths, and Tom and Cecil from CogDis will be here to insult animals and stuff. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out more from Tom and Cecil here: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: Florida pastor arrested for failing to shut down services: https://www.fox13news.com/news/tampa-megachurch-pastor-arrested-after-leading-packed-services-despite-safer-at-home-orders also, same guy said god will multiply your toilet paper rolls: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/29/pastor-if-you-have-faith-in-god-hell-multiply-your-toilet-paper-rolls/ Conservative Writer: The Upside to COVID-19? It Shut Down Drag Queen Story Hours: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/22/conservative-writer-the-upside-to-covid-19-it-shut-down-drag-queen-story-hours-2/ Jehovah’s Witnesses Leader on COVID-19: “Cheer Up! It’s Gonna Get Worse!”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/22/jehovahs-witnesses-leader-on-covid-19-cheer-up-its-gonna-get-worse/ Anne Graham Lotz: COVID-19 is Great Since It May Trigger a “Spiritual Revival”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/30/anne-graham-lotz-covid-19-is-great-since-it-may-trigger-a-spiritual-revival-2/ Texas Republican Says COVID-19 Saves Lives Because Abortion Clinics Have Closed: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/28/texas-republican-says-covid-19-saves-lives-because-abortion-clinics-have-closed/ Survey Finds Religious Americans Are More Afraid of Everything: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/18/survey-finds-religious-americans-are-more-afraid-of-everything/

Worn fucking. Ah, damn it, Lucinda makes this look so easy. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HIMSS. And by the new Christian car cleaner for the believer on the go. The Armor All of God. The Armor All of God. It's easy to look good with the Lord smeared on your hood. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

And as much as Bailey and Casey have consented together in this ceremony to be a married couple and have witnessed their promise in the presence of this company by the giving of rings, by the authority vested in me by Center for Inquiry, and in accordance with the laws of the state of Indiana, I now pronounce you partners for life. You may now kiss. who partners for life. You may now kiss.

I now present Bailey and Casey to the world for the first time as a married couple. And I assure you, they did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. And women. That's for a podcast, not for you guys.

It's Thursday. It's April 2nd. And it's Consider Christianity Week. Oh, okay. Yep, still no. Two votes. I'm no illusions. Three votes. I'm Eli Bosnick. Yeah, no, no, no. I'm Heath Enright.

And from John Bon Jovi's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we just gave Christianity way more thought than they give the CDC. We learned that without thoughts and just the prayers, we're way less than halfway there. And Tom and Cecil Cogdiss will be here to insult animals and stuff. But first, the diatribe. It's funny, I do this whole diatribe about how this upcoming election represents the final exam of American skepticism, right? About how we're the best defense against the weaponized misinformation that shaded our last election and promised us to dominate this one

i painted it as the gravest threat that skepticism had ever faced and then along comes covet 19 and it says hold my corona and yes a lot of the misinformation has been comically stupid right we talked on this show already about the nincompoop who told people you could cure it by shoving a hair dryer up your nose and plenty of people who made the objectively stupider claim that you can cure it with prayer but not all the wrong is that egregious how plenty of us been plausible enough to fool even our major media outlets take the uh ibuprofen thing as a perfect example you know you might have seen some articles shared around about a couple weeks ago about how people who suspect they have covid19 shouldn't take ibuprofen and you might have seen some articles shared a few days after that that said that those first articles were wrong and you can safely ignore them and you might have seen some articles a few days

later about how the correction might have been too hasty and maybe you shouldn't take the ibuprofen after all hell you might even have been one of the people who shared those articles. So here's what happened as near as I can piece it together. It all started when some researchers in Switzerland and Greece published a letter in The Lancet. Notice I say letter, not study. This was basically a medical op-ed. It wasn't peer-reviewed. And basically the letter pointed to a possible susceptibility to COVID-19

in people who are on a certain class of drugs that have certain similarities to ibuprofen. Now, I'm oversimplifying the fuck out of this, not just for brevity, but also because I don't fucking understand it. But basically, it was a non-peer-reviewed speculative letter about a possible correlation about a causation that may or may not exist based on their anecdotal observation. So based on nothing but that letter, the French Ministry of Health circulates a warning against using ibuprofen if you think you've got the Rona. Now, that led to a French doctor tweeting out a warning, which led to major media in the US, the UK, Israel, Singapore and New Zealand reporting on this thing as well. And this was, of course, exacerbated by

the exponential echo of social media. Well-meaning people all over the world heard about this, then immediately snatched up their phones to share this vital information with all their online friends. But the information was flawed. They were amplifying a message that shouldn't have been amplified. And this warning no doubt led people who had fevers, the group of people that most needed to stay the fuck home, to go to the stores and buy some other remedy other than ibuprofen for them,

or at the very least to send the people they'd been in close contact with out to do the same. The warning ended up exacerbating the problem. Of course, the people who did share the information would probably want to exonerate themselves by pointing out that even mainstream media outlets got fooled by this one. What are we to do? But that's precisely why you shouldn't be sharing medical information on facebook right not only are you unqualified to evaluate it but more often than not the person reporting on it is unqualified as well so what medical information should you share on social

media well i came up with a handy little mnemonic to help you out in real time anytime you're presented with new information about the pandemic and you're trying to decide whether you should put it on Facebook, just remember, no. The N stands for no, and the O stands for, oh, my God, what did I just fucking say? Are you a doctor? Are you a professional science communicator specifically tasked with communicating on this subject? Then why the fuck would you think anybody wants to hear what you have to say on this subject anyway? Don't copy and paste a list of advice some fucking buddy said, some fucking doctor said. Don't share the story.

Don't post what your friend who's a nurse told you. Just let people who know what they're doing do this shit. You know, if a major media outlet gets a story wrong, at least they can retract it. You know, that's imperfect, but odds are at least fair that like people who usually get their news from SourceX will see both the original story and the retraction. But if people are just getting their news from what they see on Facebook, how the fuck does one retract something? Sure, you can post a correction, but there's no reason to believe that all the people who saw and or shared your first post will see and or share the next one. And look, I'm not telling you not to share the information that you hear. I'm asking you not to share it on social fucking media.

By all means, if you read that such and such a drug is bad for COVID-19 patients from a legitimate source, call your mom. Let her know. Right. Because you can call her later and tell her never mind if and when you get better data. Social media doesn't work like that. And given the potential risk of adding to the din of bad advice and misinformation, you have to ask yourself what possible benefit can come from this. Even if you're right, you're just reinforcing the idea that Facebook is a good place to go for news.

By all means, keep yourself informed. Push back against the incorrect stuff that you see on social media. Share resources with people. But in an unfolding crisis, all the information is going to be tentative. Every correlation is going to be overreported. Every promising result is going to turn into a miracle cure. There's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. But you can stop yourself from doing it. There has never been a better time to leave the medical profession to the medical professionals. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast

and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Sasuki and Sakura to my Naruto, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to tell me what I'm talking about? I have no idea. I'm assuming something about getting fucked

by a cartoon octopus. And yes, Noah, I am. Ready. Okay, but I feel like that could have been in actual Naruto at this point, and I wouldn't know. Like, I just, it's gotten weird. All right, well, now I'm curious, and we have to check. So we're going to take a break for a word from this week's sponsor, HEMS.

Hello. Welcome to Typical Pharmacy Experience. What you want? Oh, hey, I'm here to pick up my prescription for hair loss medication. Oh, hair loss medication, huh? Hey, Yorgie. Yes, Porgy. Do we have hair loss medication for sad, tall, lonely men?

No, no, I must count pills into bottle. Oh, all right. How long is that going to take? Hey, Yorgie. Oh, alright. How long's that gonna take? Hey, Yorgie! Yes, Porgy? How long you take to count hair loss pills for sad, lonely, empty, non-existent bald man into bottle? I tell him me take

35 minute. Wow, 35 minutes? Is there a faster way to do this? Oh, yes, much faster. 4hymns.com What's 4hymns.com? Listen, sad bald man. It's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. All right, is this like the time you tried to sell me pumpkin roots?

No, sad lonely tall man. 4hymns connects you to real doctors online, which could save you hours. Completely confidential and discreet. Then, those doctors give you prescription solutions backed by science. Oh, so no more yelling my prescription across a crowded pharmacy? I like that. Exactly. And right now, our listeners can get started with their first month free.

Go to 4HIMS.com slash scathing.. Go to 4hims.com slash scathing. That's 4hims.com slash scathing. Prescription requires an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Offer valid only if prescribed. Three-month minimum subscription. Additional restrictions apply. See website for full detail and important safety information. I can just read it.

Okay. That Yorgie always practicing his fast talking. Remember, that's forhims.com slash scathing. Cool. Got it. Also, Jorgi. Yes, Porgy. Are these accents problematic?

No, no. They are coded Eastern European. Totally fine. Ah, hopla. Hopla. Hopla. Hopla is only for family. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, a law applied to a religious leader. Really? All right. Well, I'm guessing a law of physics. Those are the ones that seem to be applying to them right now. They really nailed it with P-Rub's jowls.

No, that's true. Exactly. Exactly. No, I'm talking about an actual, like, judicial law. applying to them right now they really nailed it with p-robes jowls no that's true exactly exactly no i'm talking about an actual like judicial law uh and we've been doing this show for over seven years i was starting to doubt this day would come but yes a religious leader decided to flaunt a generally applicable law and got arrested in a southern state just for breaking the law we are persecuting the shit out of them right now oh oh you bet your ass we are we'll get there so here's the story florida mega church pastor rodney howard brown ain't raising up no pansies in his church which is the fucking verbatim excuse

he gave for failing to comply with the cdc's social distancing guidelines and Hillsborough County's order against large assemblies last Sunday by welcoming 500 congregants to his two services. God damn it. And even sent out a bus to pick some of them up. Alright, so you know that animation

of all the white dots turning red that shows the spread of the virus under different conditions, a little simulation. Now picture religion driving a giant fucking plague bus right through the middle of that simulation the huge cluster of idiot dots getting out and spreading out everywhere smearing shit left and right yeah so it's worth noting that howard brown has been campaigning pretty hard for a spot on the show this week. He started off by calling COVID-19 a phantom plague, then dismissed concerns by explaining that he had 13 infallible virus-killing ninja bots. Okay, I mean, those aren't the words he used.

Here's the description. You tell me, quote, we bought in 13 machines sick that basically kill every virus in the place. If somebody walks in the door, it's like it kills everything on them. What? If they sneeze, it shoots it down like at 100 miles per hour. It'll neutralize it in a split second.

So we have the most sterile building in, I don't know, all of America. End quote. Okay. Well, entire thing he just said was nonsense except the phrase i don't know i guess that clause had some value to it also pretty sure he's describing a fan

that's just a fan man no he's describing 13 of them yeah sneezes go at 100 miles an hour so it's just that's nothing but that's a fan i guess we just point it back towards china and we're fine right get those fans going oh yeah i just love how many people believe the idea that howard brown has access to medical technology for his church that new york just hasn't gotten around for its hospitals yet right they're like oh yeah those germ shooter things yeah we've been trying to get them but yeah exactly trump says we don't need them and yeah right now for you or me that would have been plenty of stupidity for a week or even a lifetime but howard brown also went on to imply that those of sufficient faith could conjure toilet paper from thin air. Quote, I believe that this should be a time of supernatural sustenance.

Okay. Magical food. I just want to use real words here. This is a time of magical food is what he just said. Yep. Yes. The quote continues, where what you have in your hand will multiply. And every day there will be multiplication.

You'll look at your toilet paper and you'll think, I'm going to run out of toilet paper. But you have another role where that other one was. You don't know. How did that even take place? Are the toilet paper roles getting together and having families now? What is taking place? End quote. Just Rodney Howard Brown smushing together two rolls.

Being like, fuck, they're lesbians. I didn't know I'd think this through. Also, it's worth keeping in mind that, like, this guy isn't some weirdo with a congregation of 14 people no he preached about asexual toilet paper reproduction and then 500 people showed up to hear him speak he's laid hands on the president yes he didn't specify asexual either just to be no no no he didn't he didn't if anything he implied exactly exactly yeah they're fruitful and they multiplied the toilet paper and look i get why some people find it vital to wake up early on sunday morning and pay 10 of their income to listen to a lump of liver spots opine on the nature of faith-based toilet paper prestidigitation that's important stuff but

gathering people by the hundred during a pandemic despite your church already being set up to live stream online was apparently beyond the pill even before he encouraged his parishioners to shake fucking hands with one another to demonstrate their faith that god was protecting them that's real yep the handshaking yes yeah god fucking damn it everyone's spitting each other's mouths well because he's got the 13 machines he's got the fucking ninja bots he needs to get arrested wait a second yeah this is a little bit of good news exactly which is why sheriff chad cronister and state attorney andrew warren announced an arrest warrant for the negligent bastard the following day fantastic and uh this your cellmate is Harvey Weinstein, by the way.

That's official. Enjoy. You know there's body cam video of him using his angel powers on the cops, right? I want the video where he's like, I'm sorry to do this, gentlemen. Y'all are still there. Stop resisting. Tackle. Well, and and by the way one of the most disgusting aspects of this story was all the shit and theatrics that poor sheriff had to employ to arrest a pastor for so egregiously and wantonly breaking the law and endangering the lives of other people right like when he made this announcement he had to surround himself with other religious leaders he made all these you know concessionary statements about how quote

there is nothing more important than faith end quote i'm thinking you know medicine and fucking face masks and shit but no nothing more important than faith according to this guy and he had to like repeatedly preempt the inevitable claims of religious persecution despite him being a sheriff in america in the goddamn south it was embarrassing this fucking long bird beak mask is in front to my religious freedom and in optimist slime news tonight you know in dark times, it can be easy to be overcome with pessimism and fear, or as Noah and Heath call them, reality. But I like to think it's never been more important

to look on the bright side. For instance, Noah pointed out on this week's Skeptocrat, according to Walmart.com, Pants' reign of terror is ending. Well, it turns out that the Christian villains we cover on this show are also getting into the optimistic spirit this week, which brings us to our brand new segment, The Bright Side. First up, right wing organization, the Media Research Center's Gabriel Hayes finds the bright side in today's news because libraries are closed.

What? finds the bright side of today's news because libraries are closed what hear me out and if libraries are closed there can't be a drag queen story hour jesus christ you fucking dick so here's the quote quote there are silver linings to some of this limbo one being that the lgbtq community has to slow down its offenses against our sensibilities yeah no yeah gabriel hayes likes it when the lgbtq folks take their time you see just imagine how great a nuclear attack would be right gay people being fucking slow-mo like a replay he continues quote famous drag queens are lamenting the lack of people coming to their shows because of quarantine hey at least our kids all over the country can be safe from drag queen

story hour for a month end quote but they won't be safe from our church plagues during that month yeah that's a risk we're willing to take we're doing it yeah the kids that die they'll be safe from drag queen story hour forever so this this pandemic just keeps getting better guys yeah he concluded quote all the viral videos of them sexualizing kids as young as nine months old are proof what that maybe from perspectives, quarantine might be good. Okay, that's official now. Drag Race needs to have a season for babies just to trigger these niggas.

They'll fucking terrify them. Two votes. Three votes. But it's not just clueless white dudes getting in on the action. Clueless white ladies are as well. Sister franklin graham and rejected library ghost and graham thinks the upside of a disease god created which is

way more likely to kill old people who believe in him is that it's going to cause more people to believe in him right yeah what yeah so here's the quote could the silver lining in the black cloud of the coronavirus be this that it causes america to look up and listen to what god has to say and therefore becomes the trigger for a national spiritual revival may it be so end quote okay silver lining have you guys read the Handmaid's Tale? That's pretty sweet. How many atheists out there did she think were just like holding out for God to make good on a plague threat or two, right? Like, oh, guys, wait a minute, wait a minute.

He's going to kill the firstborn in no time here. All right. Now that I've been struck by lightning a third time, I am sold. Let's read that book of yours. by lightning a third time i am sold let's read that book of yours and finally tonight perhaps the weirdest positive take on the coronavirus came from republican congressional candidate and proof that a smile can in fact be plastered kathleen wall who took to twitter to celebrate covid 19's temporary suspension of abortion services in te. Wow. Tweeting, quote, thanks to the leadership of the office of the governor, Greg Abbott, and Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton,

hashtag COVID-19 will save more lives this week than it takes. Hashtag pro-life. Wow. Okay, silver lining, have you guys read The Handmaid's Tale? Also, you can't use hashtags in a tweet. Absolutely not. Yeah, hashtag COVID-19. So a little side note, by the way, that suspension has since been overturned by a federal judge.

So no word from Ms. Wall yet on whether or not that makes the national pandemic that's killed 3,000 plus people as of this recording a bad thing but we'll keep you informed tricky and finally tonight according to a new survey from the association of religion data archives which is not what it sounds like they actually collect real information yeah according to the chapman survey of american fears for 2020 religious people are scared of just all the things they're afraid of everything they're afraid of all the stuff everybody else is like you know needles and love and emotions but they're also terrified of so many other things thanks to their worldview being heavily based on a book of racist nightmares and i could not be happier about this they're just constantly constantly in fear yeah like one nice thing about being a paranoid rationalist the number of real things is finite

you know yeah but sadly based on the last few weeks they seem to be unafraid of the one thing we need them to be so it's a a real... Yeah. Spoilers. Yeah. So we'll start with some obvious things that are causing lots of Christian people to live in constant dread, but atheists are fine with it. This includes Armageddon, hell, God, demons, and Satan. And that makes sense. But the actual percentages on some of those are pretty disturbing.

For example, only about 20% of Christian people said they're afraid of Armageddon, which means either A, they don't actually believe in their book, B, they didn't fucking read their book, or C, 80% are quite certain they're going to heaven. Yeah, yeah. Or put in simple terms, they're liars. They're almost all of them liars.

Another interesting fact we learned is that Catholic people in particular are afraid of just about everything in all the different categories more than the rest of the population. And that includes the fear of zombies. Atheists and Protestants are mostly not worried about zombies. But Catholics were about 30% more likely to actively fear the living dead. Jesus Christ. Well, to be fair, though, they eat the flesh of a zombie once a week. They've got proof right there that they exist. They've experienced it.

Noah, I hate to correct you, but Jesus is technically a lich because he maintained his powers after he rose. Thank you for the correction based on the meme you saw that was based on the Dungeons and Dragons monster manual. You're welcome, Noah. Yeah. So the survey also found that Christian people are especially afraid of deep oceans. What? They're fine with all the shallow oceans. Oh, yeah, right.

Obviously, yeah. Also afraid of germs. Selectively. And reptiles. You know, like, why are they still there? germs selectively and reptiles uh you know like why are they still there why are they still and also clowns somehow the bible is making people afraid of clowns which is adorable i mean think about it heath the whore of babylon's painted face the weird boner one always gets around clowns. They might be on to something.

Wow. All right. We learned Eli's a cool-roof file, which is a real word for that. We also learned that Christians are less afraid than atheists about things that are real, which is also hugely problematic. For example, they're not too worried about climate change stuff like wildfires and blizzards they're also less afraid of pandemics yep meanwhile they're more afraid of being fooled by fake news are they because that's like i don't know that's a little like saying you're afraid of bees but you're constantly finding yourself elbow deep in beehives what yeah and uh christians are also less afraid of the u.s entering a world war

reminder 80 of them are cool with armageddon which means something different than it means for an atheist when you say armageddon and uh just a few personal favorites of mine before we wrap it up. Christians are also extra afraid of walking alone at night. They're extra afraid of their spouse cheating on them. They're extra afraid of others talking behind their back. That one's, that's happening right

now. And they're also extra afraid of, quote, technology I don't understand. Like beehives yeah right or this show yeah is that that's happening right now is that hexagons who fucking six and with the comforting knowledge that this podcast is at least four or five of the things that christians most fear we're gonna wrap up the headlines for the night heat eliath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will join us for some unharmonious contemplation. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And I'm Noah Lucians inviting you to join us this Saturday from 8 to 10 p.m. Eastern Time on YouTube for the Scathing Atheist. Stay the fuck home live stream with special guests, Andrew Torres and Thomas Smith. We'll be taking your questions about how many of my super good ideas Andrew has declared illegal. And we'll be playing games. Plus, we've got a special surprise that Thomas and Eli are sure to hate. Wait, what?

Yeah, you'll have to tune in. The Scathing Atheists Stay the fuck home live stream this Saturday from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. Eastern Time on YouTube. Because if you're stuck inside, you might as well be stuck with us. One of the things that makes social isolation easier is the fact that almost everybody sucks and I don't want to be around them anyway, which is a strange basis for a philanthropic effort, to be sure, but it's still the basis for ours. So to help knock out still more of last year's vulgarity for charity insults, we're pleased to welcome back our friends

from the Cognitive Dissonance podcast and two men who the world was looking for an excuse to stay six feet away from anyway, Tom and Cecil. Guys, welcome back. Thank you. Six feet is perfect. At six feet, Noah and I can both toss our hair back and not get snarled up like a pair of iPhone headphones. It's amazing.

I think you've got gotta climb back through the loop is the hardest part women have always told me six feet is the minimum distance I'm to stay away from a school or whatever that's about and of course also joining me because they never left no matter how many god damn times

I tell Eli not to write an intro into the script for him welcome back Ethan Eli too my wife has been stuck in the house damn times I tell Eli not to write an intro into the script for him. Welcome back, Heath and Eli, too. My wife has been stuck in the house with me nonstop for two weeks now. At this point, I just want to feel welcome anywhere. All right. All right. Fair enough. Scotch is very happy with my proximity. All right. So let's get started. Cecil, this one's for you. Joel would like a roast for his co-workers, Jimmy and Max. I thought I was looking at a still from the beginning of the first Captain America

with a teeny Steve Rogers and a less red skull here. One of these guys can't stop talking about his Toyota truck. The other one loves his Honda motorcycle. Guys, listen, there are better Asian things to be obsessed with, like pixelated vaginas or anime

body pillows. I guess you guys are already into that. Maybe samurai swords? I don't know. Would be a step up. Alright, Heath. Chris would like a roast for AA. Okay. Not sure which one Chris is talking

about, but pretty sure Andrew Torres is supposed to go to meetings for both. Let's assume chris meant alcoholics anonymous the addiction recovery program that honors the god who invented addiction so fuck you a.a you made a 12-step program and seven literally seven of those 12 steps are basically stop being a drunk atheist. More than half the program is going to the Wizard of Oz and being like, if I only had a liver. All right. And Eli Kim would like a roast for her boss, John.

Oh, John. John looks like he's halfway through a Donald Trump-themed glow-up. John looks like he tells the hostess he doesn't believe in tipping as soon as he walks into the door of the Hooters. John is so racist, he was blocked by Candace Owens on Twitter.

All right, Noah, I got one for you now. Jacob would like a roast of his company's president, Matt. Boy, do I hope you get to work from home through this shit, Jacob. Wow. Matt might as well have been created in some laboratory vat specifically to irk me. He's a corporatist, evangelical, self-important, passive-aggressive dick that speaks only in corporate buzzwords. He couldn't annoy me more without selling a candle that

smelled like his vagina. Also, he looks like the picture you would present to rebut the claim that you can't tell someone's a pedophile just by the way they smile. Alright, so Tom, I got a special request for you to roast abusive husbands.

Oh, good, yeah, let's keep it light keep it light funny show funny show okay by far by fucking far the cruelest thing in the world is to take advantage of special relationships loving relationships trusting relationships that's a marriage right that's who we are when we join our lives with someone we say to them hey look the world is crazy and it's unpredictable and we have no idea what's next. But what I'll tell you is that in all the world, if we could just agree on these simple things, then I've got your back. And that is a special relationship. But it's not an equal relationship. For most of us, men have more physical power. We have more social power. We often have more financial power. None of that is fair, but all of it is true. We haven't fixed most of it, so fair doesn't matter. Fair is utopian.

And it is this very power dynamic, still so inherently unequal, that makes this trust so important, such an honor to be granted to you. So imagine how fucking low, how small, how infinitesimally minute a man must be, how lacking in integrity, how utterly devoid of strength, how deeply and perfectly worthless someone must be to abuse that gift, to wield the power they didn't earn and don't deserve as a tool for cruelty and control rather than as a tool to express love and devotion. Abusive husbands are the perfect distillation of weakness. It is the flaccid embodiment of an impotent man and the rejection by force of the very best parts

of what masculinity means. Perfectly worthless is absolutely spot on. Well done, Tom. I think abusive husbands just took a categorical restraining order out on you. That's got to feel good. All right, Eli, this next one is for you. Samara would like a roast for whichever executive at Fox decided to end their contract with Dark Phoenix instead of Logan.

Samara, thank you very, very much. Ah, yes. The film and television equivalent of burying your crew along with your treasure. You had a poignant all-star movie about the examination of mutants as metaphor, but you chose to end your legacy with, what if Carrie, but like X-Men? Look, executive, I don't know where you are or who you are,

but somehow I know this. Right now, as we speak, you are greenlighting another Suicide Squad. All right, and Cecil Cameron needs a roast

for their cat, Piper. Oh, they got a Piper too. I got a Piper. He's an asshole. You have to love a cat though that thinks

its asshole is as interesting as Borderlands 2, so it presents it to you like an after-school special right in front of the fucking screen. This cat is so fucking ornery that it has to get fucking chloroformed by the vet. When you come to pick up this cat next time, it's going to be strapped to a dolly and a Hannibal Lecter mask. Okay, Noah, this one's for you here. Daniel would like you to roast his brother, Tim. Okay, well, first of all, thank you, Daniel. Thank you.

Sometimes this is a hard part of my job, but not this time around. Tim looks like a used porn salesman. around. Tim looks like a used porn salesman. And according to Daniel, this motherfucker he was trying to make his living selling soup out of a radio flyer wagon. Get it?

Get it? He looks like the divorced dad garage band's roadie. But we all have our part to play, and I guess Tim's is making everyone else at the live action role play feel better about their relative sexual prowess so good on you tim heath you're next up najib would like a roast from for their friend trenton amazing okay trenton looks like a bodyguard for a gnome

like a gnome even though he's a person he's not gnome. And he better hope he can find some of those aggressive quantum water molecules from What the Bleep Do We Know, which apparently he also loves. He loves that movie unironically. Oh, fuck you. Yeah. So, yeah, he better hope he finds some of those water molecules to clean that mystical item of a beard that he has. It's absurd. I'll tell you what the bleep i know that beard is fucking terrible he looks like anti-cecil propaganda that thing has to go through the tsa scanner with the shoes in the bag

all right tom alex would like a roast for his ex-wife, Emily. Emily, Alex literally sold his actual blood to have me roast you. That's the true thing. What that means, Emily, is that you are the kind of person who is hated down into the very marrow of Alex. You are loathsome then on a cellular level. In all the world, one of the few people who's really taken the time to know you and to see you has at this point in their life literally sold their actual life essence just to hear you roast it. This doesn't happen by accident. This is not a compatibility issue. That's pain, Emily. That's anger. That's a little fucking crazy, but that's honest. And you, Emily, you are that pain. You are that anger. You are the vitriol swimming in someone's hurt. And there is no way, just no way to be all of those things and to look yourself in the mirror and not know that you should have been better and that you weren't

because you aren't better. And at the end of the day, you are only what you have done. And no one else has to live with that shit. But you. That's right. Think on that. Think on what you done. Alright, Chess. Some down and a ton to go or whatever which means it's time for another Spightening Round. The category is Co-Lurkers because if there's

a silver lining to COVID, it's that nobody's had to see these people around for the last couple of weeks. So for this Spightening Round, I want you guys to tell me how these terrible coworkers will be spending their $1,200 government check rebate tax thing. A big thanks to Kyle Richard Matthew and an anonymous government employee for these. Starting with Kyle's coworker, John. I'll take John. Well, Kyle describes John as dollar store Chris Kattan.

So I guess John could get 1,200 clones of himself at the dollar store. But I'd say a better idea would be $1,200 worth of gold bond medicated powder to soften the blinding reflection of all the hair gel that's running down his glistening face. All right. How about Kyle's wife's co-worker, Brian? Oh, man. What is Brian going to get with his $1,200? Probably a Blue Lives Matter tattoo around his butthole in a little circle. This dude looks like he hits the gym but somehow skipped head day.

Looks like terrible movie version Bowser is going gonna demote him to koopa traffic cop for creating a hostile work environment all right how about richard's co-worker jesse okay jesse will be spending his 1200 on webcam girl no shame in that except that at no point before running out of the 1200 will he figure out whether he's logged in or how to chat or what exactly it is you're supposed to do with a girl. All right, I'll take Matthew's coworker, Norm. From what Matthew tells me, Norm's going to spend the money desperately trying to get his subordinates to like him

by buying ice cream for the lactose intolerant ones and steaks for the vegans, but he'll only land on that after having a meeting to assign a committee to choose a team to prepare a report on how to spend the money. And Cecil, why don't you take our anonymous government employees co-worker, DL? Well, this lady looks like she calls dibs

on the middle of the human centipede. Really, bullshit ladder climbing is essentially that. Gobbling whatever people throw down at her from on high and making her subordinates eat shit. So I'm guessing the 1200's going to go to collagen implants for her lips to make it nicer for the guy on top there. She sounds like an asshole president that only gives

her ventilators to states that cradle her balls. Alright, so time for round two. For this group of of people tell me why this next batch of cantankerous co-workers ruined the zoom call uh thanks to louis robin lawton dd and fred for their donations all right time we're gonna start with you what did dd's boss colin do okay well colin ruined the goddamn zoom call by insisting on using the video feature while still looking like Colin. There's no world where the video feature in any technology platform

is a friend to guys like Colin. Turn that thing off. All right, so how about Robin's coworker, Natalie Heath? All right, so Natalie is apparently an engineer and is what Robin described as a grammar corrector with, quote, a condescending drawl. is apparently an engineer and is what Robin described as a grammar corrector with quote a condescending drawl um

Natalie bring it in none of your shit matches up you can't be condescending with a drawl that doesn't exist obviously it's possible to be smart and have a southern accent but it doesn't work out loud so if you're in the middle of a conference call on Zoom,

like, you know, once you're done yelling slurs at the Indian IT guy who spent five hours explaining it to you, you need to stop making verbal arguments and write stuff down like on a piece of paper and just hold it up to the screen. I mean, there's usually a chat window, but you'll just yell another hate crime at Ranjit. Point being, when you try to be condescending with a draw, I mean there's usually a chat window but you'll just yell another hate crime at Ranjit point being when you try to be condescending with a draw

everybody else we're all just hearing a series of silly grunting and not a subjunctive case no fuck you what are you talking about subjunctive case you have a draw go fuck yourself alright Eli how about Lawton's co-worker Ben

ah Ben Ben ruined the zoom call by insisting on wearing three tough mutter shirts and a bandana while doing moon boot gravity sit-ups sadly those items combined into a deadly trap that would have made thomas midley jr turn away in fright that said everyone agreed that it could have been an email oh yeah still usually could have been an email all right usually could have been an email cecil as our man in the field on this topic i expect this to be good tell us what's fred's co-worker in sales and marketing gonna do to turn this zoom into a boom how you know they're gonna do is they're gonna turn it into a fucking crotch fruit show and tell no one fucking cares about

your shitty smelly bacteria factory with half your DNA. You just came into something. I'm not opening up my fleshlight on the call like it's Capone's vault. What the fuck? That's fucked up. All right. So I'll wrap this spikening round up with Louie's co-worker, Mary, the cashier, who ruined the Zoom call by capturing a small moon in her gravitational well of her enormous fucking forehead. And then threw a goddamn temper tantrum because she wanted a yellow one.

And on that note, we're going to toss things over to a land of fantasy and adventure for our next set of guest roasters. Hey, y'all. I'm Snedrick Ferndangle. And I'm Bridget Bulderstash. And I'm Dave the Dragon. Dragonborn. 1984. Why?

Never mind. So we're calling in from the world of... Hey, Eli, what is the name of our world anyway? I haven't named it yet Didn't name it, no That's great world building man Anyway, we're calling in from D&D Minus Our brand new actual play podcast

And we've got some roasts to do You ready crew? Sure am Fine Alright, first up we got one for Bridget Jessica, Jake, and Chris would like you to roast Dave and or Heath's D&D performance. Wait, who's Heath? I mean, just based on his name, it sounds like he's both smart and funny if I had to guess.

But like, who is that? Now, when you say roast, do you mean literally? Because I've got sacred flame, so I could do it. I know karate. I know lots of karate. No, you don't know karate. I invented my own karate. You guys don't know. Nay, nay, you don't. I'm doing it. I know karate. I know lots of karate. No, you don't know karate. I invented my own karate. You guys don't know.

Nay, nay, you don't. I'm doing it right now. Right, well, what can I say about Dave? A man whose weapon has become his namesake. Oh, do you mean my blunderbuss? Because that's amazing. I don't even get your joke. My blunderbuss is awesome.

I know you don't. I know you don't get my joke. I think I speak for all of us when I say you're the only character in actual play history who's a living, breathing, critical miss. And we all hope that there's a lava fight soon where you try to prove you can fly. I can fly. I'm flying. I can fly whenever I want. All right, Snedrick.

Flying karate. These next two are for you. Laura would like you to roast her, and A would like you to roast Louisiana senators John Kennedy and Bill Cassidy. Laura, if you own four articles of clothing that aren't both leather and braided, I will ride my battle axe like a Sibian. You look like the fucking Carol Baskin of Manticores. I bet your safe word is in Elvish or something.

And as to them Louisiana senators, well, it's hard to soil the name John Kennedy in American politics, but damn if that sallow fucker ain't doing it. And I'd like to make fun of Bill Cassidy too, but I'm so impressed by that feller. Most folks would achieve a station in life like him doing it and i'd like to make fun of bill cassidy too but i'm so impressed by that filler most folks you would achieve a station in life like him would have had some kind of surgery to relocate their mouth to the part of the face where mouths typically go but he's sticking with the placement

his mama gave him and that impresses me and finally selena would like dave to roast her brother taylor all right well um i'd love love for Taylor to hear this roast, but I'm pretty sure he's trying to get a tiny dancer to hold him closer right now, so he's probably not listening. Seriously, he looks like Elton John rolled a 20 for being the keynote speaker at a NAMBLA convention. Yes, I say, flunk off here. I love the outfit, old sport.

Though, I will admit, it's a bit subtle. Perhaps you could, I don't know, give yourself an atomic wedgie and walk around like that. Really get the spirit across, you know. Alright, well that's gonna do it for us here at D&D Minus. We've got a new episode coming out soon, so if you haven't subscribed on Apple Podcasts or Patreon, check that shit out. Alright, give me your wrist. I'll show you how to handle an attacker. No. Fine. Snedrick. Alright, give me your wrist. I'll show you how to handle an attacker. No. Fine.

Snedrick. Nah, man. Whatever. Unprepared. Backfire on you. Thank you. Us, I guess. Okay. For this final round of roasts, we're going to deal with those who gave big and stayed home, so they deserve a multi-person pile-on to their victim. Just toss in where you can on these.

Let's start with Roger, who hit us where it hurts. He'd like Heath and me to roast New York pizza. Which he didn't do. And he gave $650 to charity for us to do it, so we have to do it good. Here we go. Fuck you, Roger. We got to do it, though. We got to do it, though.

So, hey, New York pizza, it's your fault there's Domino's and Little Caesar's, motherfucker. You know, there's no off-brand version of the banana slicer. That's the world we'd live in if you just left this shit to Chicago, right? Pizza would be some weird regional shit like Cincinnati chili. But no, you had to provide such divine sapidity that even a pale comparison that vaguely reminds one of true New York pizza is a multi-billion dollar industry. Like an asshole. That's 325. You should get back. Well done.

Brought it back around. Smooth. All right. Yeah. New York pizza, also known as pizza, is nothing compared to Chicago casserole. I mean, if you've got an afternoon on your hands, there's nothing. Like sitting there at an empty table and soaking in the anticipation of eventual food. It's a lovely time.

And if you have an evening and the next few days on your hands, there's nothing like digesting that eventual food. Deep dish is the greatest thing since unsliced bread. Just send a message to

charity at gmail.com to get your money back for those $6.50. They should have to pay you. I just want to say New York style pizza, penne on pizza. I rest my fucking case here. First of all, that's not standard New York pizza, but that's amazing. You don't like penne all of vodka?

You don't like pizza? Why would you like them together? Yeah, that's the stuff. That's what I want. I want an entire fucking carb load meal in one fucking slice. You don't eat like spaghetti and garlic bread? What the fuck are you talking about?

This is so embarrassing for you. You're a chef. No, let's just stand and eat. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, fucking who needs to sit down? We're all fucking super busy. We don't even sit down to eat here in New York. What the fuck? You gotta stand everywhere. No shit. New York pizza is the perfect

accompaniment to a stroll through the pissing garbage covered streets of New York City. That is not a compliment. That's just, but it is an accompaniment. You can always give up and move to Chicago. Yeah. All right, Cecil. Why don't you take Sarah's unnamed is an accompaniment. You could always give up and move to Chicago.

Alright, Cecil, why don't you take Sarah's unnamed co-worker, who's so miserable Sarah gave us $644 to roast her. This idiot, after a talk about vaccines, asked where to buy the measles lollipop that they were talking about. Vaccines are a victim of their own success and

effectiveness. Two concepts that are probably pretty foreign to your coworker, Sarah, people who don't need herd immunity, but use it anyway, are the same dicks that in school would sign up for your group project and then lose one of their army of grandmothers to cancer. All right, Cecil,

I'd love to join you in this roast, but maybe Sarah's unnamed coworker is just planning a really, really funny prank war. Did you think of that Cecil, I'd love to join you in this roast, but maybe Sarah's unnamed co-worker is just planning a really, really funny prank war. Did you think of that, Cecil? I did not think of that. Sarah's co-worker is so ignorant, she invited Boris Johnson and Rand Paul to a threesome last night. Okay, Eli and Noah, this one's for both of you. Jesus Christ. Okay, Eli and Noah, this one's for both of you.

Lucky McChancy would like a roast of Liz and Dick Uline, and they donated $570 to make it happen. Kill them. Yeah. Oh, I so want to thank Lucky for this one. This is the couple that owns Uline, right? The company. And until I read this article that they sent along with the request, I didn't even notice shit on that catalog before.

Apparently these motherfuckers are like ultra-Christian GOP mega-donors that bankroll people like post-pedophilia accusation Roy Moore and rail in their local paper about the dangers of welfare queens, the transgenders, and Pakistanis owning local businesses. Goddamn. Oh, they're the fucking worst. And the fact that they're in the business of selling packing material and tape

gives me all kinds of ideas that Andro won't let me expound on. Right. And look, Lucky, I get it. You hate them, but you'll never hate Dick as much as Liz does. Lucky sent along two pictures of the two of them, and she looks like she's trying to bite through the cyanide capsule

in both of them and Dick looks like he's had a Viagra stuck in his capsule since about 1997 but he has never tried to activate it alright Eli this one is just for you Michael donated $550 for you to roast a Nintendo Switch. Oh, that's real nice, Michael. Real nice.

Ask me to attack my wife's only comfort in this desperate time of need. Why don't you just ask me to roast OnlyFans while you're at it? Eli. Okay. Okay. Ah, the Nintendo Switch. It's an entire game system designed to game while you take a shit, right? I mean, the damn thing might as well come with a toilet paper roll

on the back. This thing is going to cause more cholera than love and time. But you know what? You know what, Nintendo? I get it. The wee poo. But you know what, Nintendo? I get it. I want people to be as close to a toilet

as possible while they played Fire Emblem Three Houses Nintendo? I get it. I want people to be as close to a toilet as possible while they played Fire Emblem Three Houses 2. I get it. All right, so Tom, how about a roast for Richard's pet cat, Arco? Richard! What the fuck, man? Your cat is dead. Yes! Your cat is dead, cat.

Yes! I mean, it's not, I don't know, but it should be. It should be dead you know cats are like they're free right cats are free you can just go get one like right now fucking tomorrow whatever it'll be cute it'll be cuddly and it will not look like someone glued 10 pounds of old barber hair to a naked mole rat. What the fuck? That's just something you can do right now, and then you can even put a bumper sticker on your car about who saved who.

And, you know, nobody would think if you did that, Richard, nobody would think that raw chicken skin with teeth that you call a pet, that's literally garbage, Richard. Oh, my God. It looks like fucking Joe Exotic fucked one of the tigers. And you know that Joe Exotic fucked one of the tigers. He did. All right, Heath.

Laura gave us 500 bucks for you to roast her. So make it good. All right. So Laura did not send a picture, but she sent a weird, humble, braggy email that was kind of already a roast of herself. First, she confessed that she went to Ken Ham's Ark Encounter theme park and found it somewhat interesting. So, gross. Who lives near the Ark Encounter?

That's just embarrassing. She also added, okay, but I got the senior discount senior discount like that was a big win. Quick note for Laura. That's not how humble brags work. That's neither humble nor a brag. She also tried to humble brag that she went with a Christian friend to the theme park and roasted it the whole time. But here's what really happened laura your christian

friend tricked you an atheist into spending retirement money on a big collection of lies also known as christian yeah we have a term for that yeah exactly be up laura all right and see so christian would like a 500 roast of the president of china tell me this guy doesn't look exactly like the gay Taylor from Kung Fu Hustle. Also, his arms look incredibly short, like just forearms and wrists, you know? He's weirdly the king of governmental overreach with that. It's strange. You know, if you film it in black and white, it can be She-Rex versus Hong Kong.

Spoiler, Hong Kong is going to win this one. Hong Kong is going to lose. Yeah, you should be more worried about the nickname Winnie the Pooh Little Pooh Late during an epidemic. You look like Winnie the Pooh is the nicest, honest thing you can say about that motherfucker. And he made it illegal. Killer of gifts. Okay, Noah, one for you here audrey donated five hundred dollars for you to roast your own lungs oh i've been doing that for years okay yeah my lungs are proof that i never should

have been trusted with macro organism level responsibilities right like i should have to regulate one neurochemical or something that's really really all I can be trusted. My lungs are so filled with dark, twisted branches that Link once got lost in them looking for the master sword. Not a lot of people know this, but my lungs were the inspiration for the little critters that drive the corpses around a dark city. They look just like that. So Joel gave us 500 bucks for you to roast Indiana politician Jim Banks. it was 500 bucks for you to roast Indiana politician Jim Banks. Ooh. Jim Banks is very obviously the

first failed attempt at a Stepford husband. He looks like a cut character from Portlandia who operates a pro-suicide hotline. And most importantly, Jim is such a spineless coward, the lion from Wizard of Oz cyberbullism.

Alright, and finally, we always have to close it out on a good Tom Scorcher. Tom, why don't you bring this home with a $330 rose for Abigail's ex-boyfriend, Roy. All right, Roy is an abuser. Notice I didn't say was because I don't mean was. What I mean is exactly is an abuser. That's not something you used to be. That's who you are. That's the kind of shit that once you do, it defines you, that you can't change once you've done it, that you can't undo with an apology. That's not something you used to be.

That is who you are. That's the rotten, weak, worthless, hurtful, mean-spirited cruelty that nestles deep within the very core of you. You can't shake that off. You can't change. That is precisely who you are. But worse, Roy, that is all that you are. Everything else is the artifice. Everything

else is the sham, the lie, the costume. Everything else is what you use to hide your weakness. Everything else is the bullshit you smear on every surface of who you are to hide the very stench of you. But it reeks. It stinks. It is the fetid, feckless rot that is who you are, and no amount of tears can ever shower that stink from off of you. Normally, I'd want to, like, make something funny happen right there, but I sort of want that to echo, really, at the end.

So, yeah, we'll let that echo. All right. Echo of tears is Tom's special band. All right. Well, I'll tell you what. Despite the fact that we're going on five months removed from the fundraiser, there are still plenty more names to get to. So if you haven't heard yours, please be patient.

We're getting through them as quick as we can. Also, if you're lucky enough to still be employed right now or have a little expendable income there are a fuck ton of people with a fuck ton of modest needs so i'd encourage you to check out modestneeds.org and consider making a donation tom cecil thanks for your help guys thanks for having us guys Before we return to quarantine tonight, fuck the MyPillow guy. I know you've been waiting this whole episode for us to bring him up, and I apologize for making you wait so long. This misogynistic piece of shit stood up at a goddamn White House press briefing about the fucking pandemic and urged Americans to use their downtime to read the Bible. pandemic and urged Americans to use their downtime to read the Bible.

I mean, you know, fuck this guy already for selling pillows lumpier than cottage cheese and calling that an improvement. But fuck this guy doubly for using a goddamn taxpayer funded emergency briefing to sell his goddamn religion. Dude, fuck you with flaming sharp stuff. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed,

debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be socially isolated for more than 30 days if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for being funny, Eli Bosing for being wacky, Lucinda Lusions for being brilliant, Cecil for being awesome, and Tom for being here tonight. Check out more Tom and Cecil over on Cognitive Dissonance. Seriously, they're awesome. Also, special thanks to Bailey and Casey for the goddamn greatest Farnsworth quote of all time. They had to get married on a live stream because of the lockdown, but I'm glad we were able to be with you in spirit. Congratulations.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals. Mammals, Stephan, Michelle, Wastewater Operator Tracy, Jeff, Lisa, Alethea, Neil, FBK, Brad, Tyler, Kara, Engulfing Flame, One Furry Listener, Jack, Matt, Angry Scotsman, and Natalie. Stephan, Michelle, Wastewater Operator, Tracy, Jeff, and Lisa, who are so knowledgeable the number 42 brings its questions to them, Alethea, Neil, FBK,

Brad, Tyler, and Kara, whose IQs have more zeros than my hometown, and Engulfing Flame, One Furry Listener, Jack, Matt, Angry Scotsman, and Natalie, whose yearbooks ultimately just voted them most superlative. Together these 18 amiable atheists aided our aims to 86 abrahamic agencies this week by giving us money not everybody has the money to give us money especially right now but if you do you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com skating atheist whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation

by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at skatingadius.com and if you'd like to help but you live in now you can also help a ton without spending money by giving us a five-star review, liking our Facebook page, and following at PIA Teapot on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robinson handles our social media. Our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We'll also run all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. Wait a... No, because they... You know what, I'll just do something to it. All right, so time

for round two. For this group... The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC, copyright 2020, all rights reserved.