The Scathing Atheist - 373: Fight for Your Right to Petri Edition

Episode Date: April 9, 2020

In this week’s episode, the missionary position gets a LOT less boring, we learn that blood plasma is a sacred bond between one man and one woman, and we’ve now spent one sixteenth as long in lockdown as Cardinal Pell ever will. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Appearances: Check out Noah on Inkredulous here: http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/2020/04/inkredulous-episode-047/ --- Headlines: Volunteers for Franklin Graham’s NYC COVID-19 tent hospital must be anti-LGBTQ: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/31/volunteers-for-franklin-grahams-nyc-covid-19-tent-hospital-must-be-anti-lgbtq/ Doctors need COVID-19 blood antibodies but still have to turn away gay donors: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/04/02/doctors-need-covid-19-blood-antibodies-but-still-have-to-turn-away-gay-donors/ IIndia’s infection made way worse by Muslim missionaries: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/04/04/in-india-some-suspect-that-muslim-missionaries-spread-covid-19-intentionally/ And A Third of All COVID-19 Cases in one CA County Can Be Traced Back to Churches  https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/04/03/a-third-of-all-covid-19-cases-in-one-ca-county-can-be-traced-back-to-churches/ Cardinal Pell conviction overturned: https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/06/australia/australia-cardinal-pell-high-court-hnk-intl/index.html Religious people filing lawsuits that stay-at-home orders are anti-Christian persecution: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/04/03/colorado-man-sues-state-for-forcing-his-church-to-close-during-the-pandemic/ https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/03/31/texas-pastors-sue-judge-over-stay-at-home-order-that-closed-their-churches/ Coronavirus relief plan to shuffle enormous amounts of tax money to churches: https://www.atheists.org/2020/04/churches-preference-small-business-aid-package/?fbclid=IwAR3zPOBjHK2Zp5PRZgk_3lPkYvNl8WxMonl3le3k5R27NnCzTweawViUC8I and https://www.npr.org/sections/coronavirus-live-updates/2020/04/06/828462517/another-break-from-the-past-government-will-help-churches-pay-pastor-salaries?fbclid=IwAR1kb4EgjlapjOrCHeYo3d7mLIVTO-w9nMBtA0Pn8F7aSXKtEw_EsLnIv5Y Fresh from White House, MyPillow guy retweets post connecting company to QAnon: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/fresh-from-white-house-mypillow-guy-retweets-post-connecting-company-to-qanon/ Pastor Checks-His-Phone Warns Atheists to Stop Dragging People to Hell: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/04/02/pastor-checks-his-phone-warns-atheists-stop-dragging-people-to-hell/ Tony Spell, Louisiana’s COVID-19-Defying Pastor, Is Charged With Six Misdemeanors: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/04/01/tony-spell-louisianas-covid-19-defying-pastor-is-charged-with-six-misdemeanors/ And he hired Roy Moore: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/04/02/tony-spell-hires-al-judge-roy-moore-to-defend-him-holds-another-church-service/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language, because we're adults and speaking. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, honey, and by Delivery Drivers, bringing you stuff so you don't die. Delivery Drivers, the only reason I'm not strapped to the front of Heath's war vehicle. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi guys, this is Jim, former U.S. Navy Master at Arms. And while I did that for five years, didn't lose my faith in humanity, now I work at a grocery store. And guys, we did not evolve from filthy monkey men. We are just, like, still that. It's Thursday.

It's April 9th. And it's Passover, matzafuckers. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from John Stewart's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the missionary position gets a lot less boring. We learn that blood plasma is a sacred bond between one man and one woman.

And we've now spent one sixteenth as long in lockdown as Cardinal Pell ever will. Ah, but first, the diatribe. I remember one time I'm sitting around a fire with seven or eight hippies. We're at a pagan commune to celebrate Beltane or in bulk or some shit. Basically, where they're just there to smoke weed, eat mushrooms and pretend that that's our religion. And as people start to pass out or wander off to fuck or do drugs they didn't bring enough of to share, I find myself in this boring ass conversation with a bunch of holier than thou hippies talking about how much better they are than other people. a bunch of holier-than-thou hippies talking about how much better they are than other people, which is, by the way, virtually the only thing I've ever heard hippies talk about other than drugs and music. And the argument that they were all circle-jerking about used them as an example

of how great the world could be. All them dumbass people out there in society think you need money and fancy clothes and a nice house and a car and a police department and a fire department and a bunch of elected officials to tell you what to do but as anyone who looked around their commune could tell you simply loving one another and working to the best of your ability is all it really takes to find true happiness and they're my only connection to blotter acid at a decent price so i don't bother to add how much it helps when that group is a politically religiously homogenous self-selected and peer-selected group that can eject members on a majority vote or the fact that even with all those unstated advantages almost nobody spends more than 18 months living there or that trading weed for mass-produced tennis shoes doesn't really count as living off the land.

But I've never quite gotten over the arrogance of those assholes deriding the very people whose hard work was the only thing ensuring that roving bands of Christian warlords didn't periodically raid their encampments and make off with their women folk. The only reason society worked at all was because enough of the people weren't like them and now here i am drowning in that shit the folks in south georgia may be on the opposite side of the political spectrum but they share that same wanton blind spot right we're talking about a bunch of people who live in counties that receive five times as much state and federal spending as they pay out in taxes.

And then they have the nerve to call taxes theft and build their entire personas around self-reliance. Right. They hate Middle Easterners, Jews and socialists, but they worship Jesus. They post on public forums about how censored they are. They use cell phones to say that science doesn't work. Clearly, reality has not been an impediment to conclusion for these idiots before and that's why i'm so scared of them now see it could have just as easily gone the other way the coronavirus started in china they fucking ate

china could have been that it was sold to them as a viral invasion from china that they all had to be super scared of. And then, you know, if that had been the case, everything would work out fine. But that's not the narrative that they were given to begin with. They were told it was an overblown hoax and they can't change their minds. Whatever narrative gets there first stays there forever. It's the only possible explanation for all the Christianity. So now they're in a position where they have to continue to believe that it's an overblown hoax no matter what happens around them. For a while,

I thought it would change when the body started hitting the floor. Right. But now it occurs to me that death will not be enough. They're wedded to this now. Letting reality define their beliefs would take down everything that they are as human beings. They can't do it for this virus or they'd have to admit that sometimes your instincts aren't right. Sometimes your opinions have to change with the new data. And apparently that still scares them more than dying. See, on the 14th of March, my wife and I went into lockdown, but her dumb ass family insisted we get together one last time before we did, just in case nothing else was there to defeat the fucking purpose but ultimately i agreed to have a breakfast with them even though

it was a terrible fucking idea because i wanted a chance to impress upon them how goddamn important this shit was and now i wish i could take that back right because if my brother-in-law at this point wants to get away from where he is to admitting how serious a problem this is not only does he have to admit that he was wrong but he also has to admit that i was right that he should have listened to his ivory tower elitist lefty queer loving god hating girly haired libtard brother-in-law i don't know what they're gonna do they're still not taking it seriously this state is on an ostensible lockdown order but the fucking the traffic outside my house hasn't slowed down at all. It's not like the virus isn't here either.

There are more than three dozen confirmed cases in my little town. We've had three deaths here. I mean, I know that's nothing compared to New York, but holy shit, this isn't everybody knows everybody town. And something tells me our regional hospital isn't making much of a blip on the emergency ventilator distribution list. Regional hospital isn't making much of a blip on the emergency ventilator distribution list. These motherfuckers are finally presented with a crisis that they can ameliorate by sitting on their fat asses and being antisocial. And even then they can't manage it. And you know what?

If it was just my town, I wouldn't be all that worried about it. But I know that this exact town is copy pasted into every forgotten county and fly over country, like a fucking lazily constructed video game. Their stupidity will kill them by their hundreds and their thousands and their hundreds of thousands. And when it's all over, they're going to look for somebody other than themselves to blame. And the scariest part of this story is that ultimately they will find someone. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Zan and Jaina to Mike Leak, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to activate?

Form of? Oh, fuck. We're six feet apart. Oh. No, no, it's good. It turns out I'm a bucket of water anyway, so we skipped ahead. Alright, well, we tried to sort out how our superpowers are going to

work in this moment. We're going to take a quick break for a word for our first sponsor this week, Stamps.com. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing Eli stuff. Eli stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, Eli, what you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. Just getting ready to go to the post office. Send out my newest set of Eli's special popcorn orders.

What? Dude, you need to avoid crowds right now. I mean, what am I supposed to do, Noah? Not mail out all the orders for my new popcorn business? Well, why not just use stamps.com? What's stamps.com? Oh, hello. Hello, Heathath what are you doing here nothing nothing just just curious what stamps dot com was i'll be going now i see what you're doing he then writes brings all the services of the u.s postal service right to your computer in the safety and comfort

of your own home office or anywhere else you're hunkering down right now whether you're a small business sending invoices an online seller shipping out products, or you're just working from home and need to mail a lot of stuff, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. That's pretty good, Noah, but what if I want to ship something through UPS instead? Actually, Stamps.com also offers UPS services with discount rates up to 62%. Plus, with Stamps.com, you won't even have to pay UPS residential surcharges. Wow, that's amazing. And right now, our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment.

Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Scathing. That's Stamps.com, enter Scathing. Stay safe, friends. Sounds good. I'm going to give Stamps.com a scathing stay safe friends sounds good i'm gonna give stamps.com a shot so who bought your popcorn anyway mostly he's mostly he's okay yeah sure and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight we have some great news for real about a new technique that doctors are working on to fight the covid-19 virus. The experimental treatment takes antibodies from the blood plasma of people who recovered

and introduces them into people who are still susceptible in hopes of improving the immune response. This hasn't gone through clinical trials yet, but the preliminary results are somewhat promising. So great work by science. Also, religion says you're welcome they help like the shake and bake kid yep yeah and let's face it we don't have chicken yet right both the mom and kid are sitting outside a smoking oven hoping that they just made chicken and religion managed to be useless well yeah not to downplay the potential of this new treatment but to be clear at this point sewing donald trump's thumbs to the roof of his mouth would save more lives than a fucking vaccine yep yes it would it's a great image it would also be more fun yeah exactly so fun lots of bonuses

yeah so with all the dark news right now i gotta say it feels pretty good to start our lead story on a positive note but before you get too excited let's go ahead and remember what show we're doing here welcome to the scathing atheist everybody no is a smart one eli's the funny one and i'm here like tulsi gabbard i'm present and like tulsi Gabbard you're the prettiest oh thank you I guess no I was hoping for a cool adjective based on the content type that's fine it's fine no me and Tulsi actually have a similar uh streaks of white hair thing going on a little bit see there you go pretty much whenever there's good news religion finds a way to ruin it. That's what we've learned doing this show. In this case, they somehow managed to pre-ruin it. Thanks to religion-inspired homophobia, especially during the AIDS crisis, it's been illegal ever since for gay men to donate blood

without abstaining from sex for an entire year. Yep. The FDA actually just now realized how horrible and stupid that was and relaxed the rule to three months instead of a year. So hopefully nobody has any COVID-19 health problems over the next three months. Still horrible and stupid is what I'm saying, just to be clear,

but they relaxed the horrible and stupid a bit. Yeah, honestly, this is worth its own what the fuck is segment, but just to be clear, the dis relaxed the horrible and stupid a bit. Yeah, honestly, this is worth its own what the fuck is segment, but just to be clear, the disqualifying actions for donating blood at the Red Cross are doing intravenous drugs, sex work, and being a gay guy.

It's blood donation policy as written by your grandma. Yeah, right. Right. And by the way, what notes slid back and forth across what table before they landed on? All right, we'll be one fourth as big at it. Right. Right. What? And in a la chew Ackbar news tonight. OK, derivative. A lot of people have been comparing the covid-19 crisis to 9-11 lately.

And it's hard not to see the similarities. Pennsylvania and Florida hired an idiot under the thumb of evangelical Christians whose stupidity allowed a super bad thing to happen. Well, mostly unrelated, but definitely made the response way worse, for sure. And, you know, then we've got the sense that the grown-ups who are supposed to catch the stuff

that falls through the cracks, they don't exist. And then, of course, the fact that it's at its very core, the problem is religion. Well, okay. Again, the virus, I would say, is the core. But religion was definitely praying wrong this whole time. We know that. And now they're making the response, the Iraq war of epidemiology.

So that's fun. Yeah, yeah. But to be fair to Eli's point, like a world with COVID-19 and no religion has way fewer premature dead people than a world with religion and no covid19 so yeah yes so from the south korean church we reported on last month responsible for nearly 10 000 infections to the fact that according to the sacramento b one third of california's infections can be traced to a church to the epicenter of the virus, New York City, which was and continues to be ignored and spread

by the Orthodox Jewish community. Basically, for those playing along at home, the steps between a coronavirus and religion are the same as those between Kevin Bacon and himself. Bacon, coronavirus, religion, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich. Yeah, exactly. So what Eli is trying to say is that religion is like a disease masturbating. I think.

I mean, and if not, that's what he should be trying to say. Yeah, 100%. So we got one more pushpin in our pegboard of duh this week as the Washington Post reported the source of India's first super spreader, a Muslim missionary group. According to the Post, quote, more than 400 confirmed cases and at least 10 deaths across the country, stretching from Tamil Nadu in the south to Kashmir in the north,

have been linked to people who attended events at the Tablighi Jamaat Center near a historic shrine in India's capital. The infections represent about one fifth of India's total cases. And wow. Yeah, hopefully India is pretty relaxed about their religion stuff. Hopefully they got a nice small spread out population. Yeah, it's going to be great. And to make matters worse, while intelligent people can disagree on whether or not someone should beat the shit out of United States spreaders as it would, one, keep them inside while they heal and to hurt them. India is way, way ahead of us on Corona based vengeance murder. Hindus, as public as primetime news anchors are claiming the infection was on purpose calling it quote a murderous attack in the name of faith

and corona jihad trended on social media in india because the only thing worse than religion's effect on this pandemic is two religions effect yes right oh it doesn't get better from here guys and in bitter appell to swallow news tonight australia's highest and lowest court managed to be the same place this week when they elected to overturn the conviction of the artist formerly known as the highest ranking radical Vatican official to ever be punished for his role in child sex abuse. Cardinal George Vanilla Penetration Pell. Pell was freed from federal prison three hours or so after the high court's ruling with prison officials reasoning that, you know, everybody already had their kids locked up right now anyway.

Okay, I want to know who said it can't get worse. I know one of you said it and now look what happened. Yep. And look, I'll freely admit that I'm no expert in law, especially Australian law, but as near as I can tell, the only justification offered by the high court in overturning this conviction was, come on. Yep. Come on.

I mean, look, a lower appeals court heard this exact same appeal, and two-thirds of it saw no merit whatsoever in Pell's claims. And in that ruling, they set up Pell's accuser and the chief witness against him that he was a, quote, very compelling witness. He was clearly not a liar, was not a fantasist and was a witness of truth. And now the high court said in response, quote. Response, quote, yep. And as even less of an expert in Australian law than Noah, the reversal appears to be based on the idea of, yeah, but would you have convicted him without witnesses? No.

Then he gets to go home and he gets to be president of the United States. Yeah, right. No, we've had one of those. And look, I might be wrong or exaggerating, but the way it really reads is like the high court just second guessed the entire jury and said no. And this this decision can't be appealed. But it is my understanding that since this conviction, two more men have come forward to allege that he sexually abused them. So maybe there can still be another trial. But again, I don't know. I really need Australian Andrew Torres to shoot me an email or something so we can clear all this shit up. And also send me a picture too

because I'm dying to know what you would look like. Yeah, we also need Australian French teenager to be the hero Gotham needs. No, no, no, no, no. All right. No, Sam. All right, next up in headlines. Our plan of creating a global pandemic

in order to shut down churches for a few months is finally coming to fruition. We're persecuting religious people so hard right now. So hard. It's the best. But it's not all good news. As you might expect, if you've seen a Mike Norris movie a handful of cocky christians are fighting back using the court system these people might have found a loophole in the law that says churches are exempt from laws and based on recent constitutional law from theocrat judges

they might be right about that i think they're right yeah And that's how we recently got multiple lawsuits demanding the religious right of ignoring public safety orders and spreading a plague. They want the religious right of sincerely held plaguing. That's happening in a court. Okay. To be fair, there's a lot of precedent for that. A lot. Depending on how literally you want to define plague, one could say that that's literally the only thing they've ever done. Yes.

We'll start with a lawsuit filed by three pastors in Texas asking the state Supreme Court to strike down the Harris County stay at home order. They're saying it violates their First Amendment rights by telling them where they're allowed to worship. By telling them where they're allowed to worship. Now, strangely enough, they never complained any time before this about being restricted from worshiping inside like, you know, bank vaults and stuff like that. And they could very much legally go over to the church, nine people at a time and stay spread out and use that building's magic and then rotate in the next nine people. That would be fine, too. But, you know, that would take a whole spreadsheet thing. And I guess that'd be a violation of their right to not understand spreadsheets at all.

Right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If we have a right not to understand spreadsheets, Noah owes me multiple apologies. You can't just throw the table wherever you want on the fucking page. We aren't animals. I do do that. And you got to use the the the formulas otherwise it's not i've said this so many times it's just not a spreadsheet you might

as well just be putting it on a word doc it's graph paper at that point all right also one other detail on this uh this texas case just for the record these three pastors also added a claim in their lawsuit about a Second Amendment violation. They noticed that gun stores don't count as essential services. And they're selling for that, too. And you know what? Bucket the Third Amendment, too. And sometimes it'd be nice to have a soldier around the house to talk to. Who the fuck are you guys talking about?

Oh, my God. that's all real and that brings us to another similar lawsuit from last week in which christian plaintiff michael lawrence is suing the state of colorado for violating his ability to freely exercise his faith and impairing his ability to peaceably assemble um yeah not sure if a magical virus party with a whole bunch of people every sunday that spreads death would count as peaceably yeah but that's the fucking complaint you know for people who make the ACLU bad guys in at least four of the movies we've seen, they're awful suey. Aren't they, though? Aren't they awful suey? Yeah. All right.

But here's the thing. I feel like I still haven't represented Mr. Lawrence's argument fairly. There is one other kind of angle to it. So, you know, Japanese internment? You guys know that? It's like that. Is it? Does that make sense?

Yeah. Okay. Again again exact quote the stay-at-home orders are analogous to the interning of japanese americans in world war ii the government imposed martial law but properly because there was a war going on even so in retrospect a consensus exists now that internment was wrong. It was wrong for Japanese Americans then in retrospect. It is wrong for Coloradans now. Also, it's my right to paint a bullseye on my face and wander around yelling, you won't punch me. You won't punch me.

around yelling, you won't punch me. You won't punch me. So wait, so he tried to compare this to Japanese internment. Found himself accidentally defending Japanese internment. Very much, yes. And then shifted gears, not because he was defending Japanese

internment, but because that was fucking up his analogy. Because his thing was messed up by Dwight. This is is worse. This is way worse. I'm going to keep this analogy fucking going. This is fine.

This is fine. Jesus Christ. Yeah. So I'm really hoping these idiots walk into empty courtrooms and realize they were supposed to get on Zoom. Then completely, completely fail at trying to install zoom and have their cases thrown out and of course get yelled at for filing stupid fucking lawsuits at a time when we don't have time for stupid fucking lawsuits especially more than normal but again given the current state of the court system it's not guaranteed thanks to hillary clinton losing in

2016 according to i'm pretty sure the majority of the Supreme Court now, lots of laws don't apply to religion anymore. There are consequences to your voting actions. Fuck. And in Lone Ranger news tonight, in a break with both tradition and constitutionality, the Trump administration has signaled that houses of worship will be eligible

to receive government assistance under the hastily enacted $2 trillion stimulus bill. That's right. What the fuck? Yeah, they've made it clear that the $350 billion set aside for small business loans won't be discriminating against churches just because they're constitutionally forbidden from receiving that money. Because of the law. Instead, they'll be discriminating against the non-religious

people by redirecting our tax dollars to church fucking coppers. The establishment clause, unfortunately, could not be reached for comment as it had gone to fuck itself. This is infuriating. And infuriating, it's like every group project

you do in school. Science is going to be like, hey, look, we figured out a vaccine in school science is going to be like hey look we figured out a vaccine and religion is going to be like we made a shoebox diorama well we made a shoebox we have a pluses all around we all get a pluses we did this too and here's my receipt for the shoebox it was 350 billion dollars i would need Fuck. Also, my dioramas of you guys sucking Satan's dick and I threw it at you while you were making the vaccine. Stop oppressing me. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Jesus. Now, the language here might be confusing to some people because they use the word loan a lot when that's not really what they mean. But make no mistake. This is a direct goddamn subsidy of religious activity right one could argue that it is simply not possible to violate the establishment clause more than that in fact allison gill the legal and policy vice president of american atheist argued exactly that in those words in a press release about the fucking program she labeled this program quote the most drastic attack on church

state separation we have ever seen end quote that is not hyperbolic they are literally just handing public funds to churches all right well i'll give them some money if they're all willing to stand out in right field and not get in the way and not move and fucking stay there. God damn it. I don't like negotiating with little league terrorists, but here we are. Here we are. And look, regardless of the Constitution, regardless of the legal minutia,

just from a basic moral perspective, all $350 billion of those dollars that we're borrowing from our great-grandkids need to be propping up businesses that serve all of the people. Right. They need to protect the jobs of companies that aren't exempted from anti-discrimination laws. Of course, despite how blatantly unconstitutional this is, I don't doubt for a fucking second that today's iteration of the Supreme Court would put a rubber stamp on it at their earliest convenience. Because

unlike celebrated judicial minds like Stephen Breyer and Elena Kagan, I could see this shit coming way back in Trinity Lutheran. Oh, man. I mean, this is a depressing fucking episode. Trying to think what you could have done in 2016. Should have voted for mom to do all this. Next up in headlines. Trying to think what you could have done in 2016. Should have voted for mom to do this.

Next up in headlines. According to the professional journalism team at Orchan called QAnon, there's an international cabal of pedophiles who run the world. And it took some digging, but I found out that they are not talking about the Catholic Church. Oh, so close. Yeah. They're talking about a rival international cabal of pedophiles, I guess. But this rival group apparently has a tenuous grasp on controlling the everything. It's just barely doing. Yeah.

They're powerful enough to mostly rule the world, but not quite powerful enough to get Hillary Clinton elected. So the one thing standing in their way of having complete global domination is, of course, Donald Trump. And now they're desperately trying to take him down. And in the latest development, Trump found a powerful new ally in the war for humanity. Christian pillows. that's right my pillow ceo mike lindell might be a crucial new piece of the q anon movement i i just want to underscore once again that the worst thing that they can ever think of to even falsely accuse us of is being more competent thems right yeah so trump held a press conference last

week about the coronavirus response and proudly introduced lindell as a key new piece of the puzzle lindell explained that my pillow company is refocusing some of its production capacity to create new face masks and that's great but then lindell added speaking of which donald trump has been chosen by god to lead america through this pandemic that that was created by god sorry confused myself there everybody spend their quarantine time reading the bible we'll figure it out i don't know yeah get a pillow yeah yeah right because if anything is going to make you tired enough to sleep on my lumpy ass pillows, it's this book right here.

Also, lest we glaze over it, Trump's coronavirus briefing had a special guest who wasn't a doctor with information. Yep. Yeah, he was. Yep. Yep. So, first of all, good luck getting a Bible. I just stockpiled millions of copies and you are getting priced out. Try it. Try to get a Bible. See what happens.

Get him. Get him. But here's where the story gets interesting for the QAnon crew. One of those professional journalists from 4chan, Jordan Sather, was doing his normal research that he does about the coupon codes for pillows as that pertains to Illuminati pedophiles. And he found that the letter Q was a valid discount code for $120 off of four pack of pillows at the MyPillow website. Interesting, is it not? sight interesting is it not so he sent out a tweet explaining that q anon now has god and my pillow on his team and trump of course how the goddamn hell much is he charging for those cheap ass pillows and 120 off of four of them he should have to send me four pillows and 50 bucks. Yeah. Okay. I guess maybe there's just a way bigger market for sleeping with your head against Chris Christie's ass than I thought.

Yes. So in response to this very important revelation about the letter Q, several people pointed out that the letter K and the letter W also work as a coupon code on our website. And they also pointed out the finite number of total letters in our alphabet. But then Sather explained

how the K and the W are obviously for literal quote plausible deniability. Deniability of what? To whom? No idea. No, no, no. I got such a better excuse.

When you put those together, what do you get? Thank you. Yeah, exactly. And once that amazing cover of plausible deniability was firmly established, Mike Lindell was able to retweet that tweet from Jordan Sather about the Q code without arousing too much suspicion from the Satanist pedophiles. Well, you know, suspicion beyond the press conference with the president of the United States that happened. Right. Sure. with the president of the United States that happened. Right.

Sure. Lindell also added to the smoke screen during a recent interview explaining, quote, my website. We've never had this happen. It keeps breaking. Things keep happening. I think it's the devil. It's evil attacking my pillow because it knows we're winning. We're winning. What?

We're bringing God back to the country. Winning what? we're winning we're winning what we're bringing god back to the country winning what tell me again how capitalism creates a natural meritocracy guys tell me a story daddy so that's official halftime score my pillow one satanist pedophile zero so everybody listen up we really need to ramp up our game let's get some serious satanist pedophile stuff going they already scored a point oh sure when he says it and in drag me to hell news tonight right wing pastor and guy who somehow publicly messed up speaking in tongues twice in public, Perry Stone took a break from checking his phone at church and blaming gay people for COVID-19

to yell at us for pointing out what a doofus he is. I really hope he yelled in tongues. Did he yell in tongues? Please don't. He did not, sadly. So, here's what Pastor Perry had to say. Quote, That too. He did have that Sadly. So here's what Pastor Perry had to say. Quote.

That too. That too. He did have that to say as well. He likes la la la. He does a lot of sha la la. Are you saying yell? That's not tongues. That's yell.

Quote. Mr. Atheist, you're trying to convince people to be atheists. You know how many people you're going to take to hell with you? I know it doesn't bother you. I know that you mock the existence of the place. Why don't you go on the internet sometime and look at all those people who have died and come back from the dead and see what they've got to say about

some saw heaven and some saw hell. Alright, well, I just went on this internet he was talking about. Seems like the people who saw Heaven, they didn't say much. They would have been a little more angry about the revival thing. Yeah, right? Yeah. Right? Yeah, I guess he didn't realize

how often what they were saying was, yeah, sorry for lying about that so my dad could sell a book. And a movie. And a movie. Greg Kinnear was. Yes, thereg kinnear was yes the greg kinnear maybe you've heard of him he's from new york he continued quote because you know what's bad and i feel this i really feel it you can laugh at me and i know you'll do a blog tomorrow and make fun of me you do that all the time he's

getting out ahead of the blog that he sees as his big rival like fuck you in advance raging atheist 69 and your fucking web logs and your hypertext transfer protocol fuck you perry my man you are not as hard to make fun of as you're giving yourself credit for we don't do it all like eight minutes a week we put into it max yeah we're excited thank you but uh so he continues quote but let me tell you something here's what's really bad all those people you're leading to hell you'll go to hell with them. And there's going to be weeping and gnashing of teeth. And they're going to be looking at you for eternity in a separated compartment underneath this planet and saying, you got me here.

You convinced me of this. You lied to me. And those voices will echo in your ear for eternity. They're going to give you dirty looks and hell. I wonder what he think underneath the planet means. echo in your ear for eternity. They're going to give you dirty looks and hell no. I wonder what he thinks underneath the planet means. These are great questions. What's the bottom in his head?

That's awesome. That does sound pretty awkward though. I wonder what that'll be like. What that'll be like. Now, what's my pin number? Is it one? No. I thought it was one. No, that's not. Okay. Starting over. Starting over.

Is it two? Come on, lady. Noah? No illusions? Yeah. Steve. Steve Greenberg. Big fan of the pod, lady. Noah? No illusions? Yeah. Steve. Steve Greenberg. Big fan of the pod, man. Oh, thanks.

Thanks, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Bummer we turned out to be wrong, though, huh? Yes. Yes, it is a bummer. That it is.

It's funny because I was actually a christian when i started listening to your podcast so you know darn it right right darn it yeah yeah sorry about that i mean who knew god was really that much of a jerk uh perry stone perry stone yes he did well i'm gonna head over to the penis worms you want to come with we're're going to get some penis worms. I've actually been in line for an ATM for 330 years, and I'm like two people away from getting to the front, so I figured I would just. Yeah, no, no, sure.

Go ahead. I'll see you around. Hey, hey, glory hole. It's not our show. That's Tom. Right? It's from their other... Yeah.

The other one. Okay, well, I'll see you around. I'll see you around. See ya. Three? Maybe three is the first number. No. It wasn't three.

Huh. You are the worst part of hell, lady. Okay, well, now you've yelled at me, I have to start over. lady. Okay, well now you've yelled at me, I have to start over. And finally tonight, in Fight for Your Right to Petri News,

the highly, thank you, I was so proud of that one, the highly competitive sport of killing parishioners with the coronavirus has another contender we have to highlight this week, and that's Louisiana's own Tony Spell, pastor of the Life Tabernacle Church somewhere near Baton Rouge. He made news three weeks ago after bringing hundreds of churchgoers together

in defiance of his state's stay-at-home order. Then again two weeks ago when he upped the ante to 26 busloads of churchgoers numbering some 1,800 people. All right. Hey, religious people, as you all are well aware from listening to Alex Jones, we are dying to lock you up in FEMA camps. We want to do that. This will not hurt us more than it hurts you, like in that saying. We will just enjoy it. You're just really making it easy. We're going to do that. This will not hurt us more than it hurts you, like in that saying. We will just enjoy it. You're just really making it easy.

We're going to do that. It'll be the moral thing to do. It'll be a moral imperative at a certain point. Yeah. I mean, can we just get them to sign something that says they don't get to go to the doctor when they get COVID? Because we could turn this thing around for everyone, right? They get to have big old megachurch things. Let Jesus be your ventilator

would be nice but no because it's not just them that they're gonna get fucking killed mostly yeah so i guess 2 000 plus people too late the state of louisiana had enough and charged this festering piece of shit with six misdemeanor counts of violating the governor's executive orders chief roger corcoran with the central police department issued a scathing and kind of awesome statement when he when these charges were announced that said in part, quote, instead of showing the strength and resilience of our community during this difficult time, Mr. Spell has chosen to embarrass us with his own self-promotion. He will have his day in court where he will be held responsible for his reckless and irresponsible decision that endangered the health of his congregation and our community end quote drop mike god damn it every story it's like a three-year-old getting scolded yes just a country of police chiefs being like don't touch the stove hot hot bad bad don't and they drove800 toddlers into a stove.

Yes. What the fuck? Now, if you live in the Baton Rouge area and you're marking your calendar so that you can head on down to the courthouse that day and watch the wheels of justice in motion, I'm going to go ahead and advise that you leave the kiddies at home that day. And that's because in his defense, Spell has retained the services. So good. And that's because in his defense, Spell has retained the services of none other than twice-removed Alabama State Supreme Court Chief Justice, accused child molester, and Forever 21's most wanted, Roy Moore.

Wow. Yes, to prove that he is not prone to recklessly stupid decision making he has hired Roy Moore Roy Moore was chopping wood outside of his cabin with his big long beard and this guy came in a helicopter and he was like Roy we need you for one

last job and by the way after these charges were filed this asshole did it again right he welcomed yet more people to his fucking church and according to local news reports quote hugs and handshakes were shared freely as people said their goodbyes and departed end quote so you know here's hoping they said the fuck out of those goodbyes yep hope, hope you meant it. All right, see you at the FEMA camp. Yeah. Great.

And speaking of goodbyes, that's going to do it for the headlines tonight. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. FEMA camp ball. And when we come back, Don Ford will be here to vocalize imagination and risky undertaking. Plus, it has lasers and rockets. Okay, my question was, what do you want to do for your 40th birthday? Let me get to it. I was getting to it. Hey, guys, what you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. Heath was just showing me his Mr. Blaster 5000.

What? Yeah. Dude, I couldn't find one of those for less than 400 bucks. Right? Yeah, it's hard. But of those for less than 400 bucks. Right? Yeah, it's hard. But have you tried Honey? I tried super hard, sweetheart. No, no.

Honey is the free online shopping tool that saves you money online. Honey automatically finds the best promo codes and applies them to your cart, which makes online shopping finally feel as easy as it's supposed to be. Wow. And it saves you money? Sure does. I used it to buy a new webcam for our live streams and Honey told me what price I should be paying and it saved me 20 bucks. But wow, a Mr. Blaster? Well, Honey supports over 30,000 stores online

and they're adding more every day. Not using Honey is literally just passing up free money. It's free to use and installs in just passing up free money. It's free to use and installs in just a few seconds. Plus, it's backed by PayPal, so you know it's good. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. Thanks, Honey. You're welcome, darling. Hi, I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heath Enright, inviting you to hang out with us this saturday at 8 p.m eastern time on youtube with special guest tim robertson if you listen to the end of the show or follow any of our social media accounts you know that tim handles all our social media stuff but did you know that he's also a person with a face and everything we'll

be answering questions playing games and providing distinct video proof that tim is not an advanced ai given to us by the government for testing that's 8 p.m to 10 p.m eastern on youtube the scathing atheist stay the fuck home live stream because if you're stuck inside you might as well be stuck with us at least he didn't say stuck to us. Not on this take, I think. Terrible, inept, malevolent, dictatorial, disease-spreading liars who find themselves in charge of things they shouldn't be in charge of have a long and storied history of selecting a lot of judges so to remind you of yet another way that trump is like the most

reprehensible villain in the history of literature it's time for another edition of bible peace theater last time on bible peace theater so is he guilty or not, Flappo? There has to be a better way. Psst, come here, come here. I got something for you. And Abimelech, the son of Gideon, went to Shechem and unto his mother's brethren and communed with them and with all the family

of the house of his mother's father. Abimelech, son of Gideon, my goodness. Hey, mom, how's it going? Oh, what brings you by, dear? Oh, nothing, nothing. Just want to see the family. Is everyone here? Oh, of course, boys, come here and say hi to my Abimelech. Abimelech! Hey, good to see you, kid. Hey, everybody. Hey. Wow. Yeah, everybody. So good to see all of you. So, yeah. As you know, Gideon died. Yeah, we heard that.

So sad. Yep, yep. Super sad. So, here's the thing thing just doing a little survey as you may know my dad had 70 sons oh he did love to fuck boy howdy do i thank you thank thank you mom thank you oh anyway anyway someone man okay that's yep got it it. So someone has to take over. So I was just wondering, would you guys prefer one ruler or like 70 rulers? I mean, one. I mean, red like a pro.

It would be way simpler. Simpler. Yes. Just so much simpler. Agree. I thought so too. Cool. So we're agreed. So, um, why do you ask?

Yeah, what was that about? Don't worry about it. Second question, do you guys have, like, let's say 70 pieces of silver I could borrow from you? Like, one for each of your brothers? Oh, yeah.

I guess now that you mentioned it, I do have 70 brothers. It's a crazy coincidence. No, no, this is just, it's not really, it's for another different thing. Oh, okay. It happens to be 70 also.

Sure, I guess. Oh, okay. It happens to be 70 also. I... Sure, I guess. Great, awesome. I'm going to go hire someone to murder my brothers. Wait, what? Nothing, bye! Emissions like donkeys. And Abimelech went on to his father's house at Ophrah

and slew his brethren, the sons of Gideon, upon one stone. Yet Jotham, the youngest son of Gideon, was left, for he hid himself. All right, next. Hey, guys, what are you waiting in line for? No idea, Jotham. Abimelech has something to show us up on that stone. Like, all of us? Individually?

Yeah, yeah, one at a time, I guess. Mm-hmm. I mean, has anyone come out and told you guys, like, what he wants to show us on the... No, no, they're all still in there looking at it. Okay, but you guys heard that screaming, right, before? Yeah, whatever he's got in there must be pretty exciting. I bet. I bet. You know what?

I think I'm gonna pass. I got a lot of, I got a lot of you know, stuff. I mean, okay, but you're gonna miss whatever he's got in there. Yeah, it seems pretty fun. Like, three people have screamed, you're killing me from in there. Oh my god, you're murdering me.

Oh, see, that's four now. Four of them. I do see that. Yes, I am going to go. You're lost. Okay, you're going to miss out. Hey, congrats again on being king, Abimelech. Really happy for you.

Thank you. Thank you, men of Shechem. Means a lot. You guys made me king after the brothers all died. That was of course tragic. And they really killed all themselves on the same rock, huh? Yep. Same rock they did.

Super sad. Excuse me, everybody. Can I have your attention, please? Oh, hey! Jotham, my younger brother. Yes, I have something I'd like to say. Hey, Jotham, can I speak to you in the other room? Just real quick.

Near that stone, maybe? Just really quick. No, I don't want to do that. It won't take a second. No, I have a story to tell everybody listen to my story i say brother tree yes other brother tree isn't it time we elect ourselves a king oh absolutely wait sorry the the trees elected the king amongst themselves? Yep, yes.

Also, if you could not beep out of the doodly-doos, I'd appreciate, we're just, we're going to confuse people. Wait, so the men of Shechem just beeped out of Jotham's doodly-doo? Yes, damn it, Heath. Now we're two beeps and a doodly-doo deep in a swoosh. Well, then don't doodly-doo in a swoosh. Wait, what's a swoosh? It's a medicasing inside the C segment, but outside a doodly-doo and a beep.

This was once a normal show, guys. We would talk about the news. I would make a little angry speech. It was great. Right, so let's elect ourselves a king. Yes. We're trees. Yes. Mm- trees. Yes.

Mm-hmm. Hey, Olive Tree. Well, if it isn't my good friends, Beach Tree and Birch Tree. Come here to me, brothers. Mwah. Mwah. Okay. Just very sweaty.

Wow. All right. Yeah. Cool. So we were wondering if you might want to be king of the trees. Oh, my friends. Thank you so much. You are my brothers.

Okay. But I cannot. Because right now, my fatness pleases both God and man. And if I were your king, I'd just be king of the trees, you know? Sure. Yeah, got it. When are you boys coming back to the restaurant, huh? I have

only the shiniest and dirtiest of tablecloths for you to sit at. Oh. Well, yeah, that sounds great. We're just really kind of tied up with... Tell me, how does hot cheese with oil on top sound to you, eh? Revolting.

Literally nauseating. Perfect. I make you a whole bowl of it. Call it appetizer. Okay. I'm just saying that you can name your kid something other than Nicky. Thank you. Yes. Oh, okay. There he is other than Nicky. Thank you, yes.

Oh, okay. There he is, there he is. Hey, Fig Tree. What up, bitches? Wait, sorry, why are figs gay? Figs are totally gay. They're like the second gayest fruit. Why is that a list you have?

Cool. Yeah, Jotham, you done with your weird little story? Because if I could just speak to you in the other room, just real fast. No, I would like to talk to you. No, I am not done. He interrupted me. Can you? Okay. Well, I want to just tag the queer coding of figs as problematic. Okay,

objection noted. Thank you. Can I finish? Fine. It'll really just take a second. Just real fast over here. Anyway, what do you bitches want uh well we were wondering if you want to be king of the trees more like queen of the trees am i right henny yuck really seriously dude no not yuck at the ganus yuck at the henny or whatever that was any who's a beans i'd love, but I don't want to give up my fruit to be king,

if you know what I'm saying. That's like super boo. Why would you have to give up your fruit? I don't know, but if you want to be number one, you got to work. You know what I'm saying?

All right, wait, what is the gayest fruit? Banana. Bad tracks. I hate this story so much. Hello, grapesrapes. Would you like to be our king? Uh, no.

You guys want to fucking party? Uh, no. See, I told you. Dude's not even a tree. Pine. Vine. Ew! Hey, Bramble.

Uh, question. Do you want to be king of the trees? Hey, Bramble. Question. Do you want to be king of the trees? If in truth ye anoint me king over you, then come out and put your trust in my shadow. And if not, let fire come out of the Bramble and devour the cedars of Lebanon. The end. Fucking what? The end?

That's the worst story I've ever heard. Come on. You guys don't get it? Not even a little bit. I was lost the whole time. The Bramble King is bad, and Abelachem is the Bramble King. You see? Okay, even if that made

any fucking sense. Which it does not, by the way, to be clear. No, it doesn't. But why would you list all the other trees? And one vine. And one vine, yes. Um, because they're consistent symbols of the Holy Spirit. Okay, again,

fucking what? Yeah, what? So, like, people. Okay, again, fucking what? Yeah, what? So, like, people think that, like, monks and stuff changed all the trees in the Bible to the same three or four trees so that it would have, like, a consistent theme? Can I go ahead and kill him now? Oh, please do.

Yes, please. Gonna kill him. Oh, good. Run away! Ah! Then God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem, and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech, so he smote them and their women and children until he reached the city of Thebes.

Hi, excuse me, ma'am? Yes? Yeah, I'm Abimelech. Uh, just going around, killing everybody. Oh, yes, I've seen your handiwork. Yeah, yeah, that's me. So, I was wondering if you'd mind coming down out of that tower so I can kill you? Um, no.

No? No. Alright, listen, lady. If you don't come out, I'm just gonna burn down the tower with you inside that's how yeah oh yeah well you take this how oh dude she got you right in the brain oh you think right in the brain yeah okay is it bad dude it's super bad damn it all right just really quick stab me with your sword what why uh i don't want a lady to kill me. Come on, do it now. Stab me with your sword. I mean, a lady did kill you. Like, I am finishing the job, but...

Doesn't matter. It still counts, technically. Do it. Fine, fine, fine. Nice. Killed by a dude. Nailed it. What a weird place for this book to choose to be sexist. Right? What a weird place for this book to choose to be sexist. Right? And after Abimelech then arose to defend Israel,

Tola, the son of Puah, the son of Dodo. Seriously, Dodo? Seriously. This book is so stupid. And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the Lord, and the anger of the Lord was hot against Israel. And he sold them into the hands of the Philistines and into the hands of the children of Ammon. Oh, Lord, we are sorry we worshipped other gods again. Yeah, please save us from those who oppress us. Again.

No, you guys are the worst. Didn't I save you from the Egyptians? Yeah, you did do that. And, and from the Amorites and from the children of Ammon. Yeah, you died, too, huh? And the Philistines, the Zidonians, and the Amalekites. All of those guys okay but to be fair those last ones were just

just because you got mad at us yeah I mean you could just not get mad at us yeah as if, why don't you guys just ask Paul to help you oh really could you maybe make an introduction you know what never mind we are super sorry Paul to help you. Oh, really? Could you maybe make an introduction?

You know what? Never mind. We are super sorry, and we'll only worship you from now on. You promise? Oh, totally. Completely. 110%. Okay. But you guys gotta get a guy to lead your own army. I'm not fucking zip recruiter. I'm God. It's a weird plug.

Um, no problem. We'll find our own leader guy. I'm not fucking zip recruiter. I'm God. It's a weird plug. No problem. We'll find our own leader guy. Question. Any chance Bale knows somebody? Seriously? I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

It was a joke. And quick, while the Jews are on hiatus from worshiping other gods and doing evil in sight of the Lord, we'll wrap things up for the night, but we'll be back with even more judges on the next installment of Bible Peace Theater. Before we retreat once more, I wanted to let you know that you can get more me in your life by checking out the latest episode of Incredulous, the quadrennial comedy podcast from the Merseyside, I'm sorry, Merseyside Skeptics. Had a ton of fun with Andy Wilson, Michael Marshall, and Brian Eggo. And you can hear that fun by checking the show notes. Anyway, that's all the Blast Movie we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation D, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be anti-social distancing if I neglected to thank Heath Enright

for being so easy to compliment uniquely every week that I hardly ever have to cop out with some kind of meta-joke of some sort, Eli Bosnick for agreeing to pause before and after the truly egregious shit he says, and Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, for continuing to take our silly-ass Bible skit seriously even when the world crumples around him. I also want thank jim for providing this week's farnsworth quote and for putting up with all the filthy monkey bastards at the grocery store people be nice to the goddamn employees at the grocery store or i will sneak into your homes and snap your fucking necks

also apologies on lucinda's behalf for yet another twimless week in her defense the news cycle is literally wall-to-wall coronavirus shit so it's been increasingly difficult for her to find stories that work for her segment. But she will be back soon, probably next week. Until then, she wanted me to let you know that she misses you, too. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Randy, Michelle, Sarcastic Genius, Skip, Mark, Zachary, James, Mike, Carl Hungus, Cognitively Dissonancing, and Jal, No More Alabama, and Not a Bear. Randy, Michelle, Sarcastic Genius, and Skip, who are so bright they carry a lampshade for their ideas. Mark, Zachary, James, Mike, and Carl Hungus, whose dicks are so big they reignited that whole

what is and isn't a planet argument we thought we'd solve that for Pluto. And cognitively distancing, no more Alabama and Not a Bear, who are so badass their white blood cells have black belts. And as awesome as those people are, I also wanted to give a huge shout out to all the patrons that had to reduce or cancel their pledges.

I've been getting a lot of really apologetic emails and stuff, and let me just go on the record as saying, like, we absolutely get it. People, there's no need to apologize. A lot of people are hitting rough times right now. We understand that entirely. Worry about the important stuff, and we will be here when the world gets back to normal. Legal services

for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of B. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also roll the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. Beep. Beep. We've got to do two beeps on the way out, though.

There's got to be two beeps here. It'll be confusing mathematically. Good point. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.