The Scathing Atheist - 374: Absolutely Relative Edition

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

In this week’s episode, it’s “Ask an Atheist Day” so we ask Eli about the mayonaise, Mama Bear Apologetics explains the theory of absolute relativity, and we revisit a time before you even knew your per shit toilet paper usage. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Listen to Noah on Unapologetix: https://soundcloud.com/user-567863919/the-fing-noah-lugeons-edition?fbclid=IwAR1RXOELSVsOMwS8aTXo9ihJ1CbiCn_vPcEk0PFkGQWmKnbvyejCXDEcazQ

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity, like we were getting paid by the expletive. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new official candy of the Catholic Church, the Cadbury Egg. Cadbury Eggs by the Catholic Church. Oh sure, but when they explode in your mouth, it's fine. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Amy. And I'm John.

And I'm Taylor. Despite the fact that we three work for one of the largest school districts in Florida, The Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday. It's April 16th. And it's Ask an Atheist Day. Did you put mail on my chair, Eli? That's the spirit. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. Yeah, you did. And from Paul Simons, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia,

this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Heath won't even thank me for the free mayo. Mama Bear Apologetics explains the theory of absolute relativity. And we revisit a time before you even knew your per-shit toilet paper usage. But first, The Diatribe. One of the silver linings of the pandemic has been watching the rest of the world catch up with us about religious institutions, right?

It's been validating to sit back while society watches these assholes defy stay-at-home orders, endanger their congregants and their communities, and lie about the causes and cure of the disease, all while offering up no practical assistance to the national effort and listening to them all go, hey, wait a minute. Why the fuck aren't we taxing these guys? I mean, isn't the justification for that discrepancy supposed to be that churches provide some type of service or something?

People always talk about how they serve a function of some kind, especially in times of national emergency. And yet here we are, middle of a national emergency, and they're doing the exact fucking opposite of helping. You know, a week and a half ago or so, we had Andrew Torres of the Opening Arguments podcast guest on our Saturday live stream that we're doing. Tune in at 2 p.m. Eastern this week,

where our guests will be Andy Wilson and Michael Marshall michael marshall of the merseyside skeptics and one of the questions i asked the panel was what one thing they never wanted to do again once this pandemic abated and i found andrew's answer really interesting right okay so he's a lawyer and so he's talking about how even during this lockdown he still has to hand deliver documents to the courthouse and shit because you know reasons he tells us about having to go through these makeshift airlocks past armed guards and surgical masks just so he can hand a physical document over, even though there are eight trillion other ways to transmit the information contained on a document in the modern day. Right. And of course, the reason he has to hand the document over physically is because of some antiquated bullshit rule that carries on today. the document over physically is because of some antiquated bullshit rule that carries on today because you know damn it if i had to run these documents down to the courthouse when i was an intern then you do too asshole given modern technology there's no reason for it any

authentication of the information that needed to take place would be verified electronically much easier than it could be from like examining physical pieces of paper but this is the way it's always been done and there's no real constituency to change it andrew's hope as he expressed it on the live stream was that after this pandemic was over we could take stock as a society of all this antiquated dumb shit we require of ourselves and ask if we want to keep it think about all the places that temporarily suspended their bans on alcohol delivery when we get to the other end of this it'd be really nice if a few of those towns stopped for a second asked themselves if they really wanted to reenact the law that made drunk people drive to the store for more beer. You know, whatever prudish justification that prompted

that ban in the first place is probably going to sound a hell of a lot less convincing once we see how much increased debauchery there wasn't while the ban was in effect. Of course, the king of antiquated bullshit, unjustifiable prudery, and not keeping up with technology, whether taken alone or together, is obviously the goddamn church. It was rendered obsolete as a philosophy a long fucking time ago. We still let it set with the academics at lunch sometimes, but it's been a long fucking time since anybody took religious thinking seriously. But it's time that we also recognize that it's sociologically antiquated as well. Look, nothing is going to throw religion's uselessness into starker relief than a pandemic.

Science is going to be examining the tomb for clues about how to get out while religion bumbles around setting off the retractable spike trap for the next few months. Throughout all of it, religious leaders are going to be begging God for salvation. And when salvation comes, it's going to be scientists who deliver it. A fucking poet would have a harder time conjuring an image that more succinctly refutes their worldview. And that's why so many preachers are so quick to defy these stay at home orders. Right. When you're in the business of selling tiger repelling rocks, you better replace the one your client lost in a fucking hurry. And here we have all these preachers desperately cling into these this, you know, ever diminishing slice of the population that still goes through the weekly church ritual, contemplating what's going to happen when their congregants have to stay home for a couple of Sundays. Well, shit, they might notice how nice it is to sleep in.

might notice how nice it is to sleep in. They might notice that their efforts at family togetherness are more fruitful when they didn't just force everybody to get up and put on dress clothes at eight o'clock in the morning. They might realize that Jesus still loves them to the exact same extent that he did the week before. They might realize that they already knew all the things the pastor would have told them that morning anyway. he only reads from the one fucking book after all and if the churchgoers notice how little they actually need what the church service provides them or how easily they can get that stuff online in their pajamas at about the same time that the rest of the society's waking up to how little the churches did to help us out when a real tragedy struck we might walk away from this thing with one more

herd immunity than the church can stomach. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Candyman and Candyman to my Candyman, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick, but only in spirit. Like the rest of the world, we've had a lot of weird, unexpected shit to attend to over the last few weeks, so we're taking the headline segment off this week but don't worry we stocked up a few extra headlines for just such an occasion so without further ado we're going to join headlines from the past already in progress next up in headlines we have a follow-up on the story

about jerry pierce of dalton georgia i love. And his magical Bible that produced 400 gallons of godly oil over the last few years. In case anybody missed it, this guy left his Bible in a room with an oil leak, found the oily book the next day, pretended it was a mystical item, and went on a Bible tour around the country

giving away vials of oil and taking donations. But eventually, somebody at the tractor supply store in Dalton called the Times Free Press to explain that Mr. Pierce was always coming in and buying big drums of mineral oil. And that's when Pierce released a statement that the Bible had suddenly stopped producing oil right after that news story went out. Well, apparently, Jerry Pierce has now left Georgia, moved to Tennessee, joined a new church, and started finding miraculous gold everywhere instead of oil. Hi, everybody.

My name is Jerry. Please don't Google me. What's this Jesus found behind your ear? Whoa. Yep. Yeah, that's what happened. Jerry Pierce, he's got exactly one skill set in life. That would be evangelical foreign substance tours i guess and he's not going back

to school to learn some python or anything like that so an age of specialists he fled town and very quickly set up an even dumber version of his oil scam just in a different state he figured the perfect cover would be a different magically occurring substance. Out of all the stuff besides oil, the one he chose to secretly purchase in large quantities was gold. Yep. Untraceable. Apparently, untraceable gold. He brainstormed for a while, landed on, okay, it's either gold,

plutonium, or antimatter. Those are the three I thought of. Gonna go with the cheapest one, gold. And then he started planting little chunks of gold all around his new church, including inside Bibles. So he's like, hey, there's something wrong with my Bible. There's something useful in it. I don't know what to do. Do yourself a favor and look at some of the pictures that accompany this news story. Five-year-olds doing an Easter egg hunt look at these pictures and are like, okay, don't be condescending. I see it. I see it. So Pierce's new mark is soaring Eagle ministry.

And one of their leaders, Brody Allred reported the magical gold popping up over the last few weeks. And there was even some magic oil as well that appeared on Allred's guitar that he uses for the worship ceremonies. I guess Pierce as a criminal mastermind, he just couldn't help, but throw in his calling card. A little bit of oil there like he's, you know, the night fox. The wet bandit. Yeah, exactly.

Right. So in response to the gold story, Allred got interviewed last week and walked back his claim saying, I never said it was actual gold. I just said gold colored, which is A, dumb, and B, he's a liar. Just a very, very clear liar. The Times Free Press actually found Facebook videos from last month showing Allred walking around the church finding gold and also telling everyone else they're not allowed to bring home the gold that they find. You have to give it to the church. And also claiming they're going to use that gold to pay off some people's debts.

Okay. So not just gold-colored stuff to pay debts, gold. All right. All red, three degrees dumber, and you're accidentally going to start Mormonism. You want to start Mormonism? Because this is how you start Mormonism. Oh, I guarantee you that all red wants to start Mormonism? Because this is how you start Mormonism. Oh, I guarantee you that Allred wants to start Mormonism. 100%.

So the extremely obvious lie became clear to about half the people at this Tennessee church. Sadly, I'm actually impressed by that batting average. average yeah even if they truly believed that god was conjuring little pieces of gold and drops of oil at one church in tennessee as a really vague sign they probably realized also that brody all red was a worship leader on pierce's magic oil tour around the country and clearly an accomplice. So about half the congregation quit, and now the ministry is shut down entirely. So that's good to hear, I guess. But let's say the whole congregation bought that lie. What was the end game for Pierce?

Giving away gold for profit? Okay, never mind. That would actually work on Christian people. That was a viable business strategy. Well, and let's not lose sight of the fact for profit? Okay, never mind. That would actually work on Christian people. I was going to say. Let's not lose sight of the fact that all it took for all the Christians in his church or half the Christians in his church to call bullshit on their religion was their

God doing a tangible thing. Right? What? Verifiable and omnipotent being that did. I'm not buying this. Not buying it. And in Meadow Muffinsins news tonight when the news cycle is loaded up with stories like billionaires weigh market value of grandma it's easy for us to overlook otherwise titanic stories so i want to make sure this one doesn't slip by without any mention at all a couple weeks ago trump ousted his acting chief of staff and

according to some reporting this was partially motivated by him being such a debbie downer about this coming play which made this already historically dysfunctional white house all that much less functional right at the outset of the biggest crisis an american president has faced in my lifetime and to replace him he's nominated one of those people we started a podcast to warn you about yeah so. So, sad news. Long gone are the halcyon days of a pragmatic, secular chief of staff in the White House like South Carolina Republican Mick Mulvaney.

Yes! That is sad. We took a step down from Mick Mulvaney. All right, so let's meet Mark Meadows. He's come up on this show before because of his relationship to some creationist dinosaur skeleton shit that came right out of a fucking Coen Brothers script. But he's been on our radar for quite a while. He campaigned for office by claiming that he needed to stop liberal judges from making decisions based on Sharia law.

To his credit, that hasn't happened since he took office. Right? Like, he's completely knocked it down to zero. He played a key role in trump's ban on trans service members he's a creationist who's been featured in creationist documentaries he screams himself hoarse at the a boogeyman of christian persecution in america and he has publicly referred to politics as spiritual warfare against Satan. What? He is too batshit insane to be trusted to run an outhouse, and he's running the White House.

Yeah, but don't worry. At the current pace, the pattern that's been established, he's going to be replaced by Yosemite Sam in a couple weeks. Who will then be replaced by a time-travel inquisitor yeah so oh that's true it's a weird timeline have we mentioned it's a weird timeline oh it's a bald eagle with an ak-47 finally a step up and i should be clear that this stunning lack of qualifications runs deeper than just being a theocratic bigot that doesn't believe in science. He's also just a horrible person. You might remember him for being that congressman that had to fire his own chief of staff for repeated sexual harassment complaints that he ignored as

long as he possibly could. And then later he got fined 40 grand for continuing to pay that dude out of the public coffers for a year or or maybe you remember him as that congressman that spent 2012 yelling about sending obama back to kenya just a reminder that well i'm sure it's possible that one day an outspoken christian won't turn out to be a terrible person that day has not yet come not on our show we'll wait yep and Yep. And in gibberish news tonight, bigot, pastor, and failed Chia Pet slash Tony Robbins crossover product, Perry Stone did some extra good gibberish speak on his sermon this week. So good.

He had to stop and tell us about it. I told you guys last week, up and fucking comer. Now, regular listeners to this show will remember Perry, the Chattapus, for going viral earlier this year for super duper obviously checking his texts when he was supposed to be speaking in tongues through the Holy Ghost. Or from last week when he blamed coronavirus on gay people. And now he's managed to speak in not one, but four holy languages. And he did it without checking his Instagram, guys.

It's fucking amazing. One of those tongues was just him getting distracted while trying to make up a tongue and saying, snack, oh, snack, oh, oh, and saying snack oh snack girl it really is so yeah in the clip he speaks nonsense for about two minutes and then he says quote now the spirit of god is praying in four languages right now

the language of nations that need prayer let Let's lift our voice right now. There's four nations that need prayer. One of those is Asia somewhere. One of those is Middle Eastern. As opposed to Asia. Wow. One of those is either Brazil or Hispanic. Okay.

Okay. First of all all that's three but uh but yeah no i got hispanistan needs some prayer that's good to know i'll leave that in mind no it's okay it's okay god speaks fluent asian they'll be fine uh by the way it's very obvious which one of those languages he thought was asian so he concludes quote those of you at home that prayer was not for you to understand because your understanding is not fruitful when you pray in tongues the bible says but the spirit prayed a prayer that some people in different languages understood they understood yeah I meant for my hair to look like this portion of the sermon. It was nice. So yeah, if any

of our Asian, Middle Eastern, or Brazilian slash Hispanic listeners want to head on over to this video clip, check it out. Let me know what that said. Provide a little translation. We at The Scathing Atheist, very grateful. Very grateful. And in trailer park and pray said provide a little translation uh we have the scathing atheist very grateful yeah very grateful

and in trailer park and pray news we have a science update for all the religious people out there turns out that respiratory droplets with covet 19 do not call time out if they leave the inside of a building huh coronavirus is not agoraphobic as some people were apparently assuming it just uses you know like it uses like all the air just wherever so if you plan to have a big church service in a parking lot a don't do that you're stupid and b if you do anyway everyone needs to stay in their fucking cars with the windows closed obviously or even better don't do that again yeah right yeah spoiler lots of idiots did not get this memo last week and they did that well well to be fair they got the memo it's just hard to you know really send that message

in pictograms they can't the only way they it. Yeah, so we had two different parking lot revivals that made the news last week. The first one was scheduled to happen in Jackson, Michigan. That's where a Facebook event called Park and Pray invited hundreds of thoughtless prayers to meet up in the parking lot of a hospital to zap the building with magic. Jesus. out of a hospital to zap the building with magic jesus everyone was told to honk their horns display cardboard signs like let's go t-cells i don't know cardboard signs pray pray pray pray also bump some heavy newsboys jams i guess and pray that the extremely crowded medical facility wouldn't be overwhelmed by the coronavirus or the giant gaggle of cars that was going to be clogging up their parking lot making fucking noise yeah right because you know what goes great with your ninth

12-hour workday in a plague ward honking horns i bet i bet it's honking horns outside yeah and less parking thanks religion yeah right unbelievable but there is a little bit of good news at the end of this one the hospital heard about the event and released an official statement that was um it was just way too polite about explaining wow you're all fucking stupid they had had to do this. This hospital of medicine during a pandemic had to pay a staff member to spend time writing an explanation about why a giant, loud, wishing party in their parking lot would be a bad idea. But luckily, the idiots kind of listened at least enough to cancel the event. So there you go. kind of listened at least enough to cancel the event. Good.

There you go. I mean, it's not worth it, but if there's an upside to COVID, it's watching ourselves as a nation tell religion to sit the fuck down for a second while we figure this out. Right, yeah. Not worth it, but yeah, maybe. Maybe there'll be some sort of positive change there. I don't know. And that brings us to our second parking lot revival of the week.

And this one does not have a happy ending. Well, I guess it depends on what happens with the health of the anti-choice hate pastor who organized it. Fingers crossed. Yeah, absolutely. Fingers crossed. Of course, I'm talking about Greg Locke, who is also strangely one of the biggest benefactors of Planned Parenthood. Just so many donations in his name all over the country. And that means he's going to hell if he doesn't dig himself out with a big bunch of pastor and he knows it.

So that's why he's been refusing to shut down services at his church in Tennessee. Of course, he's also protesting the anti-Christian persecution of those Confucianist coronavirus molecules. But it turns out he's not really a true believer. So he caved on the social distancing guidelines and set up a drive-in sermon at his church in Tennessee. According to Locke, this means the church is, quote, in compliance. Somewhat. End of exact quote. Fucking civil disobedience is what he's going for, yeah.

Yes, just like the time Martin Luther King just kind of dawdled outside in the streets of Selma. Yeah, exactly. Super passive resistance, yeah. So everyone showed up to this outdoor sermon, parked their cars, took out a bunch of those, like, sad fold-out chairs that they all have for, I don't know, emergency sitting during road trips. And they sat in a big group right fucking next to each other. So you might be thinking to yourself, these people deserve to die, but...

I was done. Okay, yeah, fair. And in the con is on news tonight. You know, with hundreds of thousands of people furloughed or fired across the country, over the next month, you might think that Christian assholes would downplay their business model of

asking people for tax-free money well at least you would if you're new to the show welcome he's the smart funny wild card no and i kind of his backup dancers so no they did not stop that practice uh and first up is donald trump's spiritual advisor paula white who explained that the pandemic's delay of the irs deadline was the perfect opportunity to give her a 91 faith seed during her coronavirus themed facebook live stream last week okay well that's evil and vile and terrible but i'm honestly i'm honestly just impressed the irs going to make her pay $91 in taxes. That seems large. Yeah, we can only hope.

So here's the quote. We're grateful, guys, that right now the electric companies are allowing payments to be deferred. As of yesterday, the IRS is allowing people to, for 90 days, past that April 15th, they're not going to have to pay their taxes right on April. It's 15th, isn't it? Usually. So there's that 90-day deferment. So we believe that there's going to be ways. This is not the time to come out of covenant with God. We have to pay insurance. Our insurance is $5,100 here. And it's like, that's a lot of money, you know? And so i always say we're a smaller ministry but we have a big impact end quote okay do christian insurance companies offer

prayer insurance in case the magic doesn't work i would like to buy a bunch of that yeah right right i'm going along on that i love that she stands up there she says at a time when all your secular debtors are reaching into their hearts and foregoing payment out of merciful altruism we aren't right jesus still needs his fucking money though sure would be terrible what insurance was she talking about by the way just just insurance there's fifty one 5100 worth of i'm sure it's the insurance on her church or whatever her ministry seems like lightning wouldn't strike a place like that i don't know you don't need the insurance bad investment but

it gets worse as if give us your money while there's still time wasn't gauche enough oily handed huckster kenneth copeland took to the internet that if you lost your job in the pandemic you should still be tithing yep here's what the ghost of peanut oil past due had to say quote fear of this coronavirus is faith in its ability to hurt or kill you the fear of what are we gonna do i'm getting laid off work hey your job's not your source if it is you're in trouble jesus is your source what whatever you do right now don't stop tithing don't you stop sowing offerings and cool um i'm not you know what i'm not gonna explain to him how percentages work no no the checks in the mail for 10% of my fired. Yeah, right. Right.

And yes, that was Kenneth Copeland threatening to kill his listeners with coronavirus if they didn't give him money on behalf of Jesus. That's what you thought you heard. You are correct.

But literally just happened. But when I do it, it's not a funny April Fool's Day prank. It's a whole, I don't want to do that. I hate being the new guy. Now, you're probably

wondering to yourself, okay, Eli, but what about people who aren't allowed to go into church well don't worry k-dog has a solution for them as well he continues quote we'll email it then yeah you could just email him a check text together yeah or text him a money order yeah there's all kind of ways take iota bitcoin something but you get your tithe in that church if you have to take it down there and drop it off. Stick it under the door or something. You get that tithe in that church.

You get that offering in that church. And then you go home and do what you're supposed to do. End quote. Wow. And then why haven't they tried praying news tonight? Wow. And then why haven't they tried praying news tonight? If we ever wanted to pull the trigger on our goal of buying the Holy Land experience in Orlando and subtly changing the shows around so that they use a watermelon to play out the smash the babies against the rock song

and Jesus reacts to his whipping with enthusiastic cries of yes, sir, may I have another? Now would be the fucking time. And PayPal did it. We PayPal received. Congratulations, Ethan. That was you. All right. now would be the fucking time and paypal did it we paypal received congratulations ethan that was you all right because according to the federal worker adjustment retraining notification document that they just filed with the city of orlando they're about to cut 118 jobs basically this is what going out of business looks like when you're a tax exempt transparency exempt pseudo charity that can just con old ladies out of money instead of turning a profit.

Right. But apparently that's not enough. No. Like, no. Maybe if they were also eligible for government grants and programs meant for secular. Nope. No, that's not it. Nope.

That either. Yeah. Right. Now, to be honest, I think it was clear that this was going to happen as soon as Ken Ham built his arc. that this was going to happen as soon as Ken Ham built his ark. And one might back up a bit further and say it was doomed as soon as they decided to start a company whose entire business model could collapse if, like, some idiot built a boat that couldn't float in a landlocked state.

But regardless of the cause, the effect is a park entirely built on live shows that just announced it was laying off its entire live show staff. Because it turns out that 1.25 religious amusement parks is a little more than the u.s market can bear just a guy dressed as jesus and two guys wearing half a t-rex costume each they're taking your tickets as you walk in you just dive behind a curtain real quick right after that ignore the costumes now uh they do intend to keep operating the park at this point because for the vast majority of the world's population, not having community theater level biblical reenactments

is better than having them. So the more attractions they remove, the more appealing their park becomes. After these layoffs take place in April, the park will offer only a biblical museum, a few attractions that are only legally allowed to be called educational if you use air quotes and a model of ancient jerusalem so literally the ark park without the ark park yep but we probably shouldn't dance on that grave

quite yet because if christian reverence for the bible has taught us anything it's that they really don't care if there's nothing of value on the inside. No, they don't. Oh, here comes the comeback. Alright, well, on whatever note that turns out to have been, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, pre-recorded Jumanji audio I have in case Heath screams something. Andrew says he's not allowed to scream at the end of the headlines.

Thanks, as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, everything will be now again and it'll kind of feel weird. Hello, hello, hello. I'm Eli Bonnick, isn't it? I'm Neil Ellucius. And I'm Eith Enright by gore. Remind you, join us this Saturday

at 2 p.m. Eastern for the Scathing atheist stay the fuck home live stream with special guests Andy Wilson and Michael Marshall of the Merseyside Skeptics by gum. We'll be answering your questions, playing games, and

generally indulging in all things British with our chaps across the pond. So get ready for a kick in the fanny. That's not what it means over there. It's different. Really? What does it mean over there? It means vagina. Well, then I stand by what I said.

Again, it's 2pm Eastern on YouTube because if you're going to be stuck at home, you might as well be stuck with us. Rumpelstiltskin. That's not a British thing. It's not? Nope.

Nope. You like it. Our ongoing goal of helping to educate our audience about the intellectual underpinnings of a godless worldview would be well served by a thoughtful and thorough examination of various schools of philosophy that atheist thinkers have drawn from but it's way more fun to watch some asshole fail at that while we make fun of her so we're back this week for yet another chapter from the number one selling christian apologetics book on amazon that we hadn't already read at the time that we started doing this that kills me every time mama bear apologetics that's right so this month we'll be getting even more philosophy education in the

form of chapter nine you're wrong to tell me that i'm wrong moral relativism okay i think she means you're sometimes wrong to tell me i'm wrong relativism is tricky it's hard to figure out one way relativist it for sure is and we're actually going to start this chapter in perhaps the most hillary morgan fairer thing ever to happen so she explains that her nephews and her play this card game where you slap piles and try to win all the cards the game she's describing is called egyptian rat screw or rap screw depending on where you're from. Don't at me. But Hillary knows that if she wrote that in her book,

her readers would have burned it. So she just spends two paragraphs describing that card game without ever saying its name. Oh, okay, okay. But its name is Egyptian Rat Fuck. It's European Spider Snake. Oh, I hope you fucking die, Alacocas! Anyway, her point

is almost as stupid. When she was a kid, Egyptian rat screw, European spider snake, Egyptian rat fuck, didn't have nearly as many rules is her point. But that just means she played it wrong. And anyways, nowadays she wants us to know that it's all

complicated and stupid. You know what i enjoy sometimes a nice crunch rat supreme from taco bell what are you talking about and that she explains to us at the beginning of her chapter is what morality is like as she says quote instead of viewing morality as a reflection of deeper truths people treat morals as cultural norms that can be revised without consequence, much like the rules of the card game, end quote. With the consequences of changing the rules of a card game? She's just like, all right, son, I will play with deuces wild, but I also will be stoning you after we play. So that's what's happening. after we play.

So that's it. That's what's happening. But her point here is that even from paragraph three in this chapter, rather than actually addressing the ideas of moral relativism, she's going to play word games, specifically by yelling, relative to what?

Every time we try to make her think. But there's an answer. Yeah. She concludes, quote, to say that all morals are relative to the individual is to essentially say that there are no absolute morals things that are right or wrong for all people at all times in all places end quote notice how she snuck to the individual in there like we weren't going to notice it i noticed it i saw that absolute subjectivity you're confused again

and look idiot we should probably take a brief moment to address the actual claims being made I saw that. Absolute subjectivity. You're confused again. And look, idiot, we should probably take a brief moment to address the actual claims being made here. And I'm going to try to tread carefully in this chapter like I did last month, because what's hard to understand about moral relativism, and I would argue philosophy in general, is that philosophy is not having a conversation with common understanding, right?

It's having a conversation with common understanding, right? It's having a conversation with itself. And it should, right? You don't want each mathematician or scientist to start their work with like basic addition and then prove their way up from there, right? They rely on the work that's come before them. Except when that happens in philosophy, because most people haven't studied that previous thinking, it leads a lot of folks to dismiss an entire field of study as impractical gobbledygook in a way that they wouldn't do with math or science. Right, yeah, because we can all derive the basis for combinatorics, so that's why most people like math.

I think you're underestimating the number of people willing to dismiss science and math as impractical gobbledygook. Very, very fair, especially right now. The other thing I want to say at the outset, and it's not going to come up in this chapter, but I think it's important, is that the rejection of so-called moral relativism is a pretty popular trick of pseudo intellectual white supremacists. And like some fairly popular pop philosophers have fallen into this argument. So it's worth pointing out before Hillary does it, right? So the argument usually goes like this, right? It's usually something like, the moral relativists believe there's no difference between the culture of the Taliban and the culture of Southern California, which one, is an idea I've never heard any serious academic defend, but two puts cultures on a spectrum from best to worst.

And spoiler alert, the people making that argument always put white people on the far end of that spectrum. Always is a strong word. Let's be super clear about the well worth poisoning, right? is a strong word like let's be super clear about the well we're poisoning right it's pretty easy to make a sound argument that southern california's culture is better than the talibans without any racial motivation exactly i mean hillary morgan farrow would be confused by that but don't worry we are not going to seriously address any of those arguments in our next section, moral relativism and postmodernism. And here in this section, HMO is going to explain that moral relativism is the natural outcome of postmodernism.

And hey, broken clocks, am I right? But you got to be careful because postmodernism and moral relativism will make you more tolerant dramatic gasp what here's her quote quote moral relativism solution tolerance remember our self-defeating statements from the naturalism chapter no moral relativism is ultimately self-defeating because on one hand it demands that everybody tolerate each other on the other hand it's very intolerant of people who are seen as intolerant. End quote. Hey, Hilldog, bring it in. I know the whole one hand, other hand paradigm can be tricky.

You're still just on the one. That's all you did there. I'll rephrase it for you. On the one hand, bigotry. End of talk. Yes, right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

And isn't that always just a fucking bigot's go-to defense right there? It's like, well, you say it's nice to give money to the poor, but if I throw pennies at them, you'll get mad. Boom. Disproved charity. QE fucking D. Also, no, we wouldn't. Throw some pennies. Throw some dollars. I don't know. You're lying. They'll take it. So, why are moral

relativists so wrong in their wrongness? Well, as HMO tells us, unlike Christians, they don't like facts and logic. Quote, even science must bend the knee. That's not a human baby. It's just a fetus and not even dna can inform you of your gender and yeah yeah one thing you can say about people who have the facts

and the logic on their side they constantly stop everything to tell you about how they have the facts and logic on their side they're like very stable geniuses in that way really they are they are so you're probably thinking to yourself okay eli but what's the harm in a little relative morality uh okay uh top of my head i hate death of the universe no one that bigotry goes away yeah that's a problem right right hillary yeah so luckily for us the lady who three sentences ago told us she was about facts and logic has the answer. It's bad for your soul. Oh.

Yep. According to the logical facts. Jesus Christ. According to the logical facts, quote, when we break the moral law, our souls are changed. Breaking the spiritual law has spiritual consequences. Is it any wonder that our morally relative society has an epidemic of depression,

anxiety, and panic attacks? What? Jesus Christ. How did you get that document? When you break the Flanupian law, it has Flanupian consequences to it. Like, all the neurochemical functioning of the prefrontal cortex

spiritually i see i see the spiritual part of that yeah she continues quote i'm not saying there's a one-to-one correlation oh well good at least that like you sin and boom depression sets in. Okay, so she's not saying it's a one-to-one, so it's what? Logarithmic? How many sins equals one depression, Hillary Morgan? I'm working out a schedule for myself, actually. That'd be great if you could tell me how that works on the

margins. She continues, our society is setting spiritual fires all over the place and wondering where our world is up in flames. Values may change depending on the person, but facts are true for everyone, for all people at all times. End quote. Okay, let's not glaze over the fact that she just very clearly said that depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are God's punishment for our sinful ways. Regardless of the ratio, that's a fucked up thing to say yep and uh definitely looking forward to the next chapter

about the dangers of fox news she's clearly passionate about journalistic integrity that's important to her yeah is that the next chapter no it is not no fuck you so now it's time for a brief history of moral relativism and she's going to sum up philosophy for us again quote whereas the pre-modernists used reason revelation and authority to determine truth oh well two of those things don't belong the modernists decided that human reason was sufficient end quote yep that's that's modernism she nailed it it's reason plus unrevealed anarchy that's what they did right but then according to hmo the post-modernists came along and they were like fuck well if everyone's gonna disagree on, then truth is dead and so is God. Yeah, now nobody gets any morality. Are you happy?

I'm licking all the morality. Which brings us to the straw man of moral relativism. According to HMO, quote, a person can say we can't judge other people's truths all day long, but we'll get visibly uncomfortable when you ask if that applies to a hypothetical society that tortures babies for fun or believes that sex slavery is a solid business investment. Hey! End quote.

That's not to highlight the economics of everything you say. A lot of Nazi gold in them nar hills you just described. It is fun, though, to watch her try to strawman relativism, but accidentally steel man the Vatican instead because she's an idiot, but not even steel man. What she thought was steel man. Well, and plus, people are supposed to get visibly uncomfortable when you start talking about baby torturing and investing in sex slavery unprovoked hillary when you just bring that shit up like whether or not they're wrong about the thing that they were just saying they're gonna get visibly uncomfortable she concludes quote psychopaths decide we all know that some things are wrong for everyone at all times and in all

cultures the moral law is written on our hearts romans 215 again just to be clear without realizing it she's saying that absolute morality is relative he's getting confused this is so tricky eventually no you'll nail it you'll nail it by accident. She concludes this section by pointing out how just how hard it is to be a bigot school kid these days. Quote, think back to how many things you got shamed for in middle and high school. The wrong haircut,

the wrong clothes, the wrong trapper keeper. Oh, that was rough. If that weren't enough, our kids are now being bullied for having the wrong beliefs. end quote. Oh, man. Yeah, I'd hate to see criticism move from trapper keepers all the way to ideas. That would be a fucking disaster.

Right. And also, by the way, the wrong beliefs that she's talking about are literally that, like, you should bully kids for having the wrong clothes and trapper keepers. Damn right, MAGA. So now it's time to roar like a mother, which, as we've learned, is an acronym that stands for straw man, move the goalposts, passive aggressively pray, and then hide our conclusions in cutesy eye breakers. Well, that's better than her job at that acronym. So let's get started by recognizing the message. And the first message she wants us to recognize of moral relativism is that, quote, what is true for you may not be true for me. The word true has been hijacked. People still want truth. They just don't want to define

it as truth. What if it's true for me that your statement is not true whose truth wins end quote uh the true one i don't get the question what hey are you sure you want to have like things be wrong hillary morgan fair is that a game you're willing to play now bad idea turn back and finally the last poisonous message she wants us to recognize from moral relativism love is love oh she's she's getting confused by that post-modern absolutist stance of a equaling a wow yeah so according to hillary quote nowhere is moral relativism more obvious than within the realms of sex gender and everything relation contraception divorce cohabitation abortion gay marriage and gender identity the whole landscape is a mess you had no idea right

and in this area even christians feel motivated to find wiggle room, end quote. Hey, Hillary, when you're feeling all wiggly, that's called cognitive dissonance. That's a you thing. That's the squirms of cognitive dissonance you're feeling there. Yeah. She's OG on the no mixing the races cohabitation rules. She's OG on the no mixing the races cohabitation rule. So with poisonous ideas like love is love recognized, we're going to O, offer discernment.

And Hillary is going to start off by admitting that this whole moral relativism thing seems pretty cool when your holy book tells you to kill witches. She even says, quote, we must acknowledge how many times we Christians have abused moral authority. Gentlemen, any questions about what she might be referencing? Any guesses? Oh, wow. Nothing obvious comes to mind. Maybe when they defied the moral absolutes of the God of the Old Testament. Oh, so close no she's talking about the book i kissed dating goodbye oh really that was the one that she came up with

yeah the example she can think of about when christians abuse their moral authority is the admittedly sexist teen book about not dating yeah she's really zeroed in there on the problem with kids and their sexuality not enough influence from christian leaders that's that's that's good that's great we should start a royal commission about that more christian leaders helping out kids with their sexuality what the fuck so now it's time for the lies of moral relativism. Starting with number one lie, total moral relativism is possible. And again, she has no argument here. She's just like, how can truth be relative if you think that's true?

Can truth make a mountain he can't move? So many times that Hillary's editor had to cut a giant section that ended, except that, and that, and that, and that. All right. Lie number two, everyone embracing moral relativism will end all conflicts. Was that an argument anyone was making? What? Quote, false.

All we do is change who's oppressed. When people's truths ultimately conflict, and they will, then it's the squeaky wheel that wins the argument, usually bullying everyone else into silence. So her answer is literally not if I have anything to say about it. Yes. Yes, it is. And the final lie of moral relativism, the person expressing compassion automatically has the moral relativist high ground. And just to be clear, her point with that last lie is that compassion is tricky. Quote, often the compassionate language of tolerance sounds so close to the heart of Christ that we can't quite remember or articulate why certain sins are wrong.

End quote. Feels like Jesus would not murder people with rocks. Hold on. Hold on. I feel like I'm forgetting something from the book. Is that not familiar? Hold on. I feel like I'm forgetting something from the book.

Is that not familiar? She concludes, my husband often says that some of the greatest atrocities foisted on mankind have been done in the name of compassion. There have been some pretty compassionate Planned Parenthood bombers. That is true. All of them. I can't. Yeah.

They love you. So now it's time to A, argue for a healthier approach. And first up, we're going to quote, emphasize that nobody is a complete moral relativist. If you hear your children making comments like, I would do that, but I wouldn't tell someone else not to, identify what they're talking about and establish if that is a legitimate moral fact that his scripture has addressed or if it's an area of christian freedom end quote so yeah good test go ahead and check if you're a character in an alex jones movie that's your first step but if not you might be breaking the rules next up be discerning with christian celebrities well

one of the biggest problems right now one of the biggest problems get ready for it guys is the number of high profile christian figures who've decided to embrace the tools of compassion and tolerance to the exclusion of biblical guidance especially with regard to sexuality gender and the exclusivity of Christian claims. Just make sure you don't share the truth. Well, that's our truth. Fuck, hold on. Did I go relative again?

Hold on. God damn it. So now it's time to R, reinforce through discussion, discipleship, and prayer. And our point in this section is to teach your kid right from wrong. But not like in a normal moral way. Remind them the ways that morality ties back to Bronze Age book that doesn't know about germs. For example, she says, quote, as you talk with your children about consequences, be honest about your own sinful past in age appropriate ways. How has your sin affected your soul? How has your sin affected your soul how has your sin affected someone else listen son my soul i'll be honest it's got occasional flare-ups but uh i take soul

valtrex probably didn't spread to anybody all right let's go to church in april of 2020 let's do it let's do it let's go meet our new pastor. She also dedicates a section to not being sympathetic to protesters here at the end saying, quote, there are true stories of homosexuals being brutalized and treated as subhuman. Is this how God would have us treat them? Acknowledge the pain the protesters have experienced. How do they see themselves as championing the cause of the oppressed? What does scripture have to say about sexuality and marriage? End quote. What are you doing that people are protesting? And why is your advice when you're oppressing

the minorities? Make sure that you explain to them that it hurts you more than it hurts them. Yep. But somebody kept rolling again. She concludes, quote, Talk with your kids about how we can best love people while still embracing biblical truths. Look at how Jesus treated sin stemming from a person being fallen, weak, and subject to temptation, like the woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery. Yeah, don't cast the first stone but the book does say stoning it's delicate balance you gotta work it out do a count

you know like everybody joins at four one yeah exactly yeah we won't know who threw it if we all threw it at the same time right that's right one guy gets a foam rock so now it's time to pause for prayer which listeners will remember is her little passive aggressive prayer section of every chapter one of my favorite quotes from her prayer here is quote forgive us for empowering others in their sin when we esteem fake compassion over truth we are objective sinners in need of a savior it's not all relative it's it's some amount of relative though objectively except except that i mean god damn it i'm in a loop again i can help somebody she's in the loop we're gonna pull her out and last but not least it's time for discussion questions gentlemen are you ready no no icebreaker name something you did

where nobody had to punish you but because breaking the moral law has moral consequences you ended up reaping the consequences of your own actions oh okay i watched the boondock saints but i did not become a christian vigilante killer and i am raping those consequences absolutely uh i asked eli to take the lead on more c segments okay tough but fair tough but fair two main theme moral facts exist and there are spiritual and sometimes physical consequences for breaking them. What are some things that everyone considered wrong when you were growing up, but that society is now embracing? In what ways have you seen societal morals change? What effects has this had on our culture? Let's see.

Putting ice in coffee, right? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, let's see. Putting ice in coffee, right? Yeah, absolutely. Black people holding positions of authority, rapists being punished even if they're rich. Are you sure you want me to answer these, Hildog?

She is not. She is not. Also, we get books by Hillary Morgan Farrer about how intolerance of intolerance is persecution. So that's fun. Yep. Bigotry, bigotry. Wait. Three,'s fun. Yep. Bigotry, bigotry. Wait. Three, self-evaluation.

All right, get ready, guys. Are there any morals that you've held to, for the most part, yet you wiggled out when they became inconvenient? This could be a very personal question, so only share what you feel comfortable saying. You're a book book you can't hear us why are you okay why do you think that you changed your mind on the issue were there any spiritual physical or emotional consequences for going against what you knew to be true

that's a very personal question i I don't feel comfortable saying pass. I want to go to some place where they're doing this, like some Christian mom group where they're going through this book just so that I can be present when they ask this question. Yeah, when they're like, I mean, it's a finger in his butt, but I don't know. Oh, I prayed to the Lord to ask him what we should do. Four, brainstorm. Three of the main reasons God created rules is,

one, to protect us, two, to create an orderly society, and three, to give us true freedom. What? Great. Question four, freedom is, in fact, slavery. You literally just said that. Amazing.

Choose a few areas where the Bible and our culture radically disagree. A number of legs on a grasshopper. What are the individual and societal consequences, psychological, physical, emotional, economic, etc., that occur when biblical principles are ignored? How does following these principles actually free us? How does disobeying them bring us bondage? I need to pick a different radical disagreement, guys. The follow-up questions got really hard. I wasn't expecting that.

What are the physical consequences, economic consequences of knowing how many legs are on a grasshopper? I don't know, though. I didn't do the research. I'm sorry. Number five, release the bear. Pick one of the moral principles discussed, for example, lying, and create a fictitious world with your kids in which lying is okay. In what ways will people be affected? In what ways would a society that accepts lying become chaotic? Oh, okay. Well, when she said pick one of the moral principles, I actually picked a different one than lying. So this homework question is technically impossible to answer. All right.

Well, this chapter gives us all kinds of time loop ideas on how to trap Hillary Morgan Farrow in her home dimension permanently. So we're going to workshop some stuff. But there's still plenty more of Mama Bear apologetics for us to take down next month on God Awful Books. Before we go into remission tonight, I wanted to let you know that if you want more me in your life, you should check out the latest episode of the Unapologetics podcast. I had a ton of fun hanging out with those guys, and all the fun has been preserved for your enjoyment. You'll find the episode linked in the show notes. If you try to Google it, it's Unapologetics with an X. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows,

hot friend, got off and was debuting at seven a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously this episode would only count as a scrimmage. If I neglected to thank Keith Enright for being such a learned social isolation coach, I need to thank Eli Bosnick for being such a fantastic social isolation muse.

I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda illusions for being such an awesome partner through all of this shit. I know yet another week without a twin but this time it's way more my fault than hers she'll be back soon she promises also i want to thank amy john and taylor for providing this week's farnsworth quote and i also feel like i should apologize to them for all the shit that i gave my teachers when i was growing up i was such an asshole i can absolutely confirm the lack of evolution though but most all of course i want to thank this week's most meritorious mammals david dennis kyle paul other david lauren lurg nag tony alice mr steven save reality eric barbara

and laurie david dennis kyle paul and other david whose dicks are so big that when people act impulsively around them they're only going off one 16th cocked lauren lurg nag tony alice and mr steven who are so bright they got honorable mention when scientists announced that new supernova, and save reality, Eric, Barbara, and Lori, who are so hot a fever, would just cool them down. Together, these 14 people, noble aspirations, and robot from a 50s movie powering down noises, helped us help

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