The Scathing Atheist - 378: Gates of Hell Edition

Episode Date: May 14, 2020

In this week’s episode, we learn that Bill Gates is Flucifer, and we learn that when you open up with a pun as good as “Flucifer”, you really don’t need more stuff. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Churches continue to win exemptions from lockdown orders:  Kentucky Christians Win Fight to Spread COVID-19 via In-Person Church Services: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/09/kentucky-christians-win-fight-to-spread-covid-19-via-in-person-church-services/ Indiana Churchgoers Will Mass-Gather Again; Governor Calls Them “Control Group”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/07/indiana-churchgoers-will-mass-gather-again-governor-calls-them-control-group/ New Mexico Sheriff “Deputizes” 20 Christians, Exempting Them from Lockdown Order: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/07/new-mexico-sheriff-deputizes-20-christians-exempting-them-from-lockdown-order/ Cardinal Slams Pandemic-Safe Communion Baggies: “You Can’t Put [Jesus] in a Bag”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/06/cardinal-slams-pandemic-safe-communion-baggies-you-cant-put-jesus-in-a-bag/ Pastors Claim Bill Gates Will Use COVID-19 Vaccines to Impose the Mark of the Beast: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/06/pastors-claim-bill-gates-will-use-covid-vaccines-to-impose-the-mark-of-the-beast/ Christian Woman Says a Demon Tormented Her Armpit Because of Her Deodorant: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/09/christian-woman-says-a-demon-tormented-her-armpit-because-of-her-deodorant/ Thousands of Churches Have Received Millions of Dollars in Stimulus Cash: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/08/thousands-of-churches-have-received-millions-of-dollars-in-stimulus-cash/ Christian group supports Ahmaud Arbery’s killers: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2020/05/christian-group-defends-2-god-fearing-men-who-killed-ahmaud-arbery/ Catholic Kerfuffle Erupts Over Cardinal’s Signature on COVID-19 Conspiracy Letter: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/10/catholic-kerfuffle-erupts-over-cardinals-signature-on-covid-conspiracy-letter/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Baptist Hate-Preacher Spends Mother’s Day Preaching That “Feminism is a Plague”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/11/baptist-hate-preacher-spends-mothers-day-preaching-that-feminism-is-a-plague/ Alaska Pastor: God Needs You to Get a Haircut, But Not If You’re a Woman: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/08/alaska-pastor-god-needs-you-to-get-a-haircut-but-not-if-youre-a-woman/

Warning, the following podcast contains adjectives, which is, in my mind, every bit as necessary as a warning that it contains profanity. Their words, get over it. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new communion for the Catholic in isolation, King of the Jubereats. Jubereats, your favorite Jude delivered with Uber. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi there, I'm Cass, and I have a neurological condition that makes my nerves send pain signals even when no actual pain is happening. Which is to say that I, like everyone else, was not intelligently designed

and did in fact evolve from Filthy Monkey Man. It's Thursday. It's May 14th. And it's Lupus Awareness Month. Because sometimes it is lupus, Hugh Laurie. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New Jersey's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, Tony Spell is still the worst. We learn that Bill Gates is Flucifer. And I sheepishly admit that the entire episode is kind of downhill from Flucifer, guys. Sorry, we peeped early. Yeah. But first, the diribe. If you've been paying attention at all over the last month and a half, you've heard us talking about the stay the fuck home live streams that we've been doing on Saturday nights.

It's just a way of offering up a little something extra to the listeners that are stuck hunkered down in quarantine and foregoing their normal, far more interesting plans. And if you watched the most recent one of those, you probably already know what I'm going to talk about. But for those of you who didn't let me set it up, so the structure of these things have largely been AMAs with a few online games thrown in where the audience can vote for the winner. structure of these things have largely been AMAs with a few online games thrown in where the audience can vote for the winner. But there's only so many AMAs you can do before people start to run out of A to AM about. So in a preemptive effort to keep this from getting stale, we've been bringing in different guests for each one. So we're trying to figure out who to bring in for this past weekend. We thought, hey, you know what? It's Mother's Day on Sunday. We have

mothers. So we all invited our moms on. And between the three of us, onlyath's mom is an atheist eli's mom is an observant jew and my mom is one of those non-denominational theology list christians that just sort of vaguely believes in you know god and jesus and a bunch of happy words and inevitably this comes up one of the questions we got from a listener was what our moms thought about our atheism and our activism so we start off with Eli's mom explaining that she isn't mad about his atheism. She's just disappointed. And then it's my mom's turn.

And since I would not dream of depriving you of a full-on Heath laugh, I'm just going to play you the audio of my mom's answer. All right. So, Mom, you're a churchgoer. Dad's a churchgoer. How do you feel about my atheist activism? churchgoer. Dad's a churchgoer. How do you feel about my atheist activism?

I think, and this is just me, that you're not really an atheist. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I think that you are an

anti-church person. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Who doesn't believe that a god exists. Right, well, see, you don't know that. I mean, I don't know that there's not a hippo outside in the backyard either, Mama. But there could be. There could be. It is far more likely than there being a God.

That's right. In my mom's mind, I'm not an atheist, apparently because I can't prove there is no God. I can prove he's logically incoherent. Mind you, I can prove that the Christian God doesn't exist. I can do the same for the Jewish one or the Muslim one or the Hindu one. I just can't prove that no possible conception of a God could exist. And therefore, I'm not a real atheist.

And look, there are certain things that we just kind of have to accept about our moms. And all things considered, my mom's inability to admit that I'm an atheist is pretty mild compared to what a lot of moms put their kids through. So I'm not bringing it up to complain and I'm not bringing it up to pick on my mom. And I'm not even bringing it up so that I can nudge you in the ribs a little bit while my mom's not looking and saying, can you believe this shit here? No. The reason I bring it up is because I know a lot of you deal with the same thing. A lot of you have mothers that refuse

to accept that you don't believe in the family deity no matter how many times you tell them or how fervently you do so and i want to make it super clear to you that it isn't you it's not that you haven't explained yourself well enough it's not that you haven't been forthright enough it's not that you have to be more convincing. Consider my situation. I'm an atheist for a living. Okay, I produce multiple podcasts about atheism every week, and I have for years. There are literally hundreds of hours of archived content available online where I detail the extent to which I am an atheist. I just finished writing my third fucking book about atheism. I've done live performances at the largest atheist conferences in the US, the UK, and Australia. I own atheist t-shirts. I have atheist

shit hanging on my walls. I have atheist music. My fucking nickname is Disgazing Atheist. If there was a periodic table of atheism, I would probably be on the motherfucker somewhere. As Eli says, he believes in zero gods and I somehow believe in fewer. He said less, but I fixed it. The point is, I could not possibly be more clear and open about my lack of religion than I am. And still, when an atheist asked my mother what she thinks of my atheist activism that I do for a living, her answer is, yeah, I'm not buying it. And though you can't tell from the clip that I just played you, as Heath is cracking up and Eli's clapping with joy and Heath's mom is giggling wildly, Eli's mom is just nodding along knowingly, agreeing with every delusional argument my mom is tossing out. So, it's not a her thing it's not a me thing it's

not a you thing it's a mom thing and there is fuck all you can do about it so hey if you missed it live it's still there it's preserved forever on youtube the bit with my mom starts at around 56 minutes 30 seconds uh it's a two hour feed all together honestly you should watch the whole thing because from what i hear it was wholesome despite the fact that i smoked weed at my mom and compared her god to an imaginary yard hippo everybody told me it was wholesome and i kind of doubt that anyone's ever going to use that adjective to describe something we produce again they're talking about your jesus joining me for headlines tonight are the crassus and Pompey to my Caesar, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas.

Are you ready to put the triumph back in triumvirate? Hey, if you're not calling your threesomes the triumph in triumvirate from now on, you are not the woman I married. I'm just going to say that. Yeah, I'll definitely work that pun into my next big threesome. As will we all in our lead story tonight arguing that covid 19 can't possibly be more dangerous than the religion they were already spreading christian churches continue to win exemptions to stay in place orders around the country and i brought a few more examples

just so that we can always remember who said no when the question was are you willing to be inconvenienced for the lives of your neighbors okay but, but when you put it that way, I'm on their side, Noah. So are you? Who mows their lawn at 7 a.m.? Okay. Yeah. No. Okay.

That's fair, I guess. All right. So we're going to start in Kentucky, where Democratic Governor Andy Beshear has been fighting the losing battle since way before his election. And that fight got a little bit harder on Friday of last week when District Judge Gregory F. Van Tatenhove blocked his ban on, I guess. Absolutely not. I looked it up.

He's a real guy. He's a Bush nominee. Charles Grundelstein. He blocked the ban on mass gatherings, arguing that the governor did not provide a compelling reason why churches shouldn't pack the elderly tightly together once a week for a rousing afternoon of spittle-laden shouting in his ruling he literally said quote if social distancing is good enough for home depot and kroger it is good enough for in-person religious services end quote despite the fact that a the former offer an extant thing that people use and b those same provisions are not possible in a religious service yeah there's a reason the church down the road

isn't one of the listed stores on instacart yep sure is yeah yeah you want me to pick you up some salvation on the way i don't think he's using the good enough construction either that's that's not how you use the good enough construction exactly social just he's very confused so indiana governor eric holcomb saved the courts the trouble in his case his state is going to continue to enforce a ban on gatherings over 25 people for a few more weeks but he's already lifted restrictions for religious get-togethers because i'm sure the virus will be respectful of everyone's beliefs and just in case doing this at all didn't make it stunningly clear how little he understands science he referred to the churchgoers as the control group in the experiment to see if they

could reopen the state which which is the opposite of what they would be. Okay. But we're talking about Indiana. The group that listens to science is definitely experimental. Okay. All right. Yeah. I'll allow that.

But also, like, that's some callous shit to say about the human beings whose lives you're risking. And also, it's just fucking wrong, wrong right because they're not an isolated group unless they go to church and fucking stay there everyone's the control group now they might get buried in the backyard i don't know right okay to be fair the heart of his message is let's let all religious people kill themselves to see if this works. Or we'll prove that praying really works. So win, win,

right? There you go. Just the, just the first one. Yeah. It's just as long as they just stay in the fucking church. Yeah. Yep. All right.

So my last example comes from New Mexico where sheriff Glenn Hamilton found a way to work around this whole pandemic lockdown restriction thing. See, the governor's orders exempt law enforcement, so he just went to a local church and offered to deputize anybody that showed up so that they could gather together all they wanted and call it official police business. Yeah, they can pray, kill a guy for jogging. It's the best. You don't need to bat.

Yeah. So if you keep in score at home, deputizing by redneck sheriffs is for lynch mobs. And now, okay, still pretty much just lynch mobs. This one might kill its own people first, but still.

Yeah, right. Terrible. Maybe a lynched mob. I don't know. So, so yeah, they're going to kill people, but it's for an invisible space wizard that can't

exist in a logically coherent world. So it's okay. It's like suicide bombing with stupidity instead of explosives. Yeah. It is like that. America is like that. Yeah, I think I was going to say. And in nobody puts baby Jesus in the corner store news. With 29 000 people dead and 210 000 confirmed cases of covet 19 as the nation of italy cautiously reopens they're asking themselves the important questions will this happen again what can we do differently and does it still count as eating the flesh of our lord and savior if you do it out of a little bag instead of a virgin's hand?

Yep. So, you know how condoms are pretty much the same thing as catching it with your hand? Yeah. Like that? So, in response to a recent rise in some Italian churches offering takeout communion, Cardinal Robert Serra of Ghana wants parishioners to know Jesus doesn't come on Uber Eats, saying, quote, it's absolutely not possible. God deserves respect.

You can't put him in a bag. You put him in a fucking cracker. That was you guys. How is being in a baggy more disrespectful than being in a fucking cracker? I don't know who thought of this absurdity. This is a silly way of cannibalizing a magical carpenter from antiquity, damn it. Take it seriously. Even if it is true that the deprivation of the Eucharist is certainly a suffering,

the matter of how to communicate is not open to negotiation. the matter of how to communicate is not to open to negotiation we communicate in a dignified way worthy of god who comes to us the eucharist must be treated with faith we cannot treat it as a trivial object we are not at the supermarket this is total madness oh i'll agree with him on that last sentence holy shit i mean look if this stuff is literally the body of christ as you teach it is everybody should have to stay six feet away from it for right now right yeah also don't they get their like stock of eucharists in a bag that they must have been in a bag at some point before they get to the church exactly are they like never frozen never bagged like fucking mondays uh fresh eucharist baked every morning we do things a little differently here

little elves deliver them never touching blasting what the fuck are you talking about? He concludes, the Lord is a person. No one would welcome the person he loves in a bag or otherwise in an unworthy way. I wouldn't put him in a crackery either. Eating the person you love and drinking his blood stops being classy if there's

a baggie. Should be a fancy lunchbox and a thermos minimum. Oh God, I want a Jesus lunchbox and thermos now. A little side note here. Listeners might actually remember Sarah for making headlines last year when he declared gluten-free communion bread invalid for the sacrament. What I'm saying is I guess this guy's like the church's self-appointed communion pedant. Yeah.

That's his thing. And in Gates of Hell news. Oh, well done. Microsoft founder, leading philanthropist in the world, and Prince of Darkness Bill Gates is finally rolling out phase two of his plan for global domination. Phase one, of course, was making

80% of computer owners pay for the operating system he stole. That's why nobody was surprised to hear that he's using that money to cure the virus that he created and usher in the biblical end times by providing a vaccine for covid 19 to everybody but also branding all those people with the mark of the beast when they aren't

looking while they're getting the vaccine right right wait a minute these aren't drunken lowercase Bs at all. I done been duped. All right, Mr. Jones, I've got your COVID vaccine right here. Would you like it in your hand or in your forehead? My what? So lots of people have tried this end times ushering Mark the Beast thing before. In recent years, we've seen the use of rfid microchips but no army of you know demonic pugs with helicopter parents fighting alongside the murder hornets yet and even before that big checkout tried to cause the apocalypse with sinister vertical lines on

retail packaging but none of that stuff was working so gates figured he could combine saving the world with ending the world and do the vaccine thing unfortunately that has the word vaccine which is a dead giveaway for all the people who know more about medicine than doctors that's a lot of them here and that includes louisiana pastor ronnie hampton who outed bill gates a couple months ago and told evangelical christians all over the u.s to refuse any vaccination but hampton also fell right into gates's trap and the pastor died from the real fake coronavirus which is also real it's tricky tricky. It's a tricky trap. I got to tell you,

a major part of this pandemic has been like watching RoboCop and having to go, oh, that's too bad whenever he shoots someone in the dick. Right? Like, oh. A grandfather, you say?

Oh. So, obviously, the anti-vax movement and the plandemic movement and the existence of religion in general are literally killing people but that's not even the whole scope of the problem more generally they've tried to block just about every important scientific advance that's ever happened in history or will ever happen what bill gates is actually doing is a giant amazing campaign of humanitarian aid to help prevent global pandemics with vaccine technology and to help refugees who constantly get their physical documentation stolen by fucking warlords yep so he's trying to help those people

with like rfid type stuff but every time there's a smart person word in one of his ted interviews millions of evangelical idiots listen to people like rick wiles or fox news and they have a fucking meltdown i guess what i'm saying is bill gates might as well actually enslave all the Christian people because they're assuming that's the plan either way why not get the credit for it sure but you suggest that on Reddit and suddenly he doesn't want to be your secret Santa anymore

and in just my two cents news this story is about deodorant you'll find that quite amusing in a moment Two cents news. Nailed it. Wow. This story is about deodorant. Yep. You'll find that quite amusing in a moment. You know, here on The Scathing Atheist,

I tend to begin my second headline by opening with, you know, because I feel like it breaks the pattern a little bit. Bring some whimsy to the show. Eli. Right. Sorry. Sorry. But we also, here on The Scathing Atheist, try to avoid reporting on stuff that's just, you know,

random Christian assholes. With the likes of Kenneth Copeland hanging around talking about tubes full of demons, we usually avoid your crazy Aunt Kathy. That is, except for when your Aunt Kathy is just so crazy that we have to talk about it. So, this week's TimeCube Ghostwriter is Mugechi Monica, who had a dream revelation about satanic deodorant.

Use her Facebook post. This is bananas. Grace, peace, and mercy unto you all, my brethren who are reading this post. I once said I will share a revelation that God gave me concerning the use of perfumes and deodorants. I delayed in sharing the dream as I was waiting for the Lord to give me confirmation in his word. In my dream, I was sleeping and a demon came upon my shoulder and started irritating me. Okay, so she had a dream within a dream and a demon came on her shoulder.

I am listening. Mug monica thank you go on she continues i tried to rebuke it in the name of jesus christ but it would not leave i tried to quote scripture but it would not stop irritating me and it even started irritating my armpit wait wait a minute is she getting demon nuzzled this sounds adorable it does the lord gave me understanding that the demon was tormenting me because of the deodorant i use then in my mind i made up my mind to stop using deodorants and then my dream ended gotta painted yourself into corner with the word mind there. It's okay. So just to be clear,

her first level dream self is giving up deodorant to foil Satan, the prince of darkness. That's what's happening here? Yep. You guys gotta admit though, if this had been the dream that came after MLK's setup, it would have it wouldn't have been as historical, but it would have been every bit as memorable.

I had a dream that a demon is mad at my deodorant. Hold on. It gets it makes sense. You know what? It made sense in my head, though. Oh, continuing the post. Let's examine the scriptures. And it shall come to pass that instead of sweet smell, there should be a stink.

And instead of a girdle, a rent. And instead of a well-set hair, baldness. And instead of a stomacher, a girding of sackcloth. And burning inside of beauty. Isaiah 3.24. Okay, so, Mugechi, you're're also gonna tear up your girdles and shave your head to look like eli with male pattern baldness and you're gonna wear a burlap sack and you're gonna severely burn yourself because if you don't do all of that on top of skipping deodorant, you're ignoring the scripture and then Satan wins.

Yeah, I hate to tell you, but I've read ahead in Isaiah, you eat poop bread before this book is over. Mugache, stop while you can. You got to do all that stuff. It's all or nothing. She concludes, here we see that the Lord is angry with the sweet smell coming from perfumes the women of Jerusalem are using. with the sweet smell coming from perfumes the women of Jerusalem are using. In Proverbs 7, 17, it talks about the prostitute and how she uses perfume to seduce men.

And that's the purpose of perfumes, deodorants, and some lotions. Some of them. A seductive spirit is attached to them. As Christians, we should be clean and neat, but we are warned to abstain from things that defile us. Things sacrificed to idols. If you doubt this truth, go boldly before the throne and ask God to reveal it to you. End quote.

All right. Well, Eli just told all of us about some other lady's dream. So quick while we sort out who has to fuck who, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Pretty sure Eli has to fuck himself. That's the rule. In my experience. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants.

If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. You know what I hate? Babies. Always cooing and burbling like a bunch of little assholes. And why do I hate babies? Because I'm a feminist and hating babies is the whole point. Okay, let me back up a bit. So it turns out that in Jacksonville, Florida, birthplace of me,

So it turns out that in Jacksonville, Florida, birthplace of me, we have our very own discount Steve Anderson. And his name is Adam Fannin. We've talked about him on the show before. He was actually Steven Anderson's fluffer in Science Falsely So-Called. And just to remind everybody what an asshole he is, he spent his Mother's Day sermon attacking women. Quote, The truth is, feminists actually hate mothers. They hate families. Feminists hate babies and those that would choose to just give up their own life to have a baby,

right? It's a very perverted sense of life and they really ultimately, it comes down to that they hate God. He goes on in that vein for quite a while, but eventually he works his way around to our motives. Quote, there's an agenda in feminism and that is to criminalize manhood. They want to make it where men are snowflakes. They won't speak up. They won't. They're soft. They're effeminate, which by the way, being effeminate is a sin in the Bible. End quote. And I hate to admit it, but yeah, Adam, you got us. Our secret plan was to turn all the men into snowflakes. We were trying to turn you into fear-wracked weaklings who would jump at every shadow. In fact, I was assigned to you specifically at Feminist HQ.

But now that it's clear you feel threatened by Target no longer separating toys by gender, I think it's safe to say that our work here is done. And speaking of the Bible-hating long-haired girly men, Alaska pastor Tad Lindley also had a few words on that subject in a blog post titled, Do You Care About Your Hair? God Does. I guess he figured that a lot of people's chief stressor during the pandemic was whether God minded if they let their hair go for a couple of months. And the answer is, fuck yes, he minds. If you're a man,

that is. See, Lindley points out that in 1 Corinthians chapter 11, God lays down the gender-based hair rules pretty clearly. For men, doth not nature itself teach you that if a man have long hair, it is a shame for him? And for the ladies out there, the quote's too fucking long, but the gist is that women would wear their hair long so that they can cover up as much of their loathsome women-ness so that God doesn't get so grossed out. And that comes from 1 Corinthians 11, 5, 6, and 15. So yeah, two quick reminders that Pastor Glenn Lee has offered us here, and neither was the message he meant to send. One is that people who think all the wacky shit is in the Old Testament haven't read the book.

And the second is that it's not a problem with the interpretation, it's a problem with the book. And on that note, i'll hand things back over to noah heath and eli thank you lucinda next up in headlines in tax exemption is theft news despite the very elegant market solution that would bankrupt a large chunk of the economy we learned recently that otherwise laissez-faire capitalist corporations have managed to loot large amounts of money from federal aid programs that are meant to help out small businesses get through this pandemic and that's terrible but at least those companies have you know employees who perform jobs that do a thing in real reality or at least some of those employees and i guess that's

enough about the good news here's the bad news turns out churches are getting a whole bunch of the taxpayer money that they have nothing to do with generating yep millions and millions of dollars in federal aid are going to pay for fucking homophobic wizard LARPers on church payrolls. That's happening. Yeah, well, right. And to be clear, instead of real businesses, this was limited fucking funds. Businesses that make things that people use are going to go out of fucking business because the homophobic LARPers were allowed to cut into a line

that they were constitutionally forbidden from standing in to begin with. Yep. Right. And we should point out that since these are churches come tax time yup we took that money is the absolute most they will be asked to disclose hell they won't even have to disclose that there won't be any disclosing we'll just happen to know this time. All right. So here's a few relevant stats on this. We have about 17,000 Catholic churches in the U.S. Boo. And that very small business of 17,000 chain locations

already got 6,000 branch offices approved for funding from the Paycheck Protection Program. Motherfuckers. And the number of Protestant churches is way fucking higher yep i couldn't find an exact number but we have about 400 000 total religious congregations in the country and approximately 93 are protestant and according to lifeway research about 40 of protestant pastors have applied for relief money with about 60 percent of that already approved so that's something like 90 000 more churches that are getting tax dollars

so far jesus so fucking christ okay a new game it's called steal from churches oh i'm supposed to say no i'm really supposed to say no right here, aren't I? Well, Noah, you don't even know what the game is yet. Tentative no. I'll go hard no, but yes. I don't know. I got confused. It's a board game. That you steal from a church.

Oh, you steal from, all right. Or other stuff. Whatever you want to steal. John Valjean was a good guy, right? So just to review, only counting Christianity, we're paying bailout money to almost 100,000 plucky startups that specialize in bigotry and wishing. But we don't even really know what they do.

I mean, we know what they do. But unlike every other non-profit organization that doesn't pay taxes churches don't have to go into any of the details they don't have to give the irs pretty much anything i'm fine with charities getting relief money but not if their alleged humanitarian work is a fucking secret like about feeding their girlfriend from Canada somehow, but you can't find out or meet her or learn anything about their details.

Like, if I started a charity and explained that my organization sends people to stand outside of maternity wards and yell at women to kill their fetus, useful as that might be, I'm probably not getting a tax exemption or any pandemic relief money. Strange that. For my payroll. Fun fact,

you can actually play that game with any church behavior, like yelling in a room full of people what you think happens when you die. Fucking kids. They're all taxable when they're secular. It's a weird thing. Weirdly enough, you actually found the one that breaks your point, number two. So, in response to this mass looting of our disaster relief program, Andrew Seidel of the Freedom from Religion Foundation wrote an article in the Cap Times explaining, what the fuck are you doing?

I'm not an attorney like he is, but I'm pretty sure that's the lay person's translation of what he wrote, especially the part where he pointed out, quote, receiving these taxpayer funds could be literally both the first and last time the government ever hears of these churches. Yep. Also, their charity business model is based on fucking magic. Right. This isn't part of the quote anymore but yeah yeah right as much as eli would love to he can't turn his magic troop into a non-profit and get a federal grant to pay for feeding the hungry by sneaking the seven of diamonds into somebody's pocket earlier in the evening and that actually works that accomplishes the thing accomplishes the magic trick the churches

are just wishing for the seven of diamonds to be there and then hoping the hungry get fed telling a 3 000 year old story about a guy who put a seven exactly exactly someone's pocket made out of business die you will find that your card right in front of you if you occasionally still feed the hungry, I still don't care. Just do that part. God damn it. And in bigots and gravy news tonight.

Fantastic. Racists don't like to come out and say, I'm a racist anymore. So they like to cloak their prejudice in little code words. So for example, instead of complaining about Jews, they'll complain about globalists. You know, instead of a black person,

they'll say hoodlum. Instead of bigotry, they'll complain about globalists. You know, instead of a black person, they'll say hoodlum. Instead of bigotry, they'll say religion. The last one has been a bit of a running theme on a fucking show because, look, I'm not saying that there's no such thing as a non-racist religion. Some people legitimately just don't like globalism and hoodlums. But a lot of their sentences don't even make fucking sense unless you assume religion is a synonym for bigotry and those are the sentences they keep codifying in law yeah and again keeping with the theme secular bigotry taxable

exactly so yeah here's another great example. Bunch of Christians started a Facebook page in defense of the two rednecks that killed Ahmaud Arbery. So, yeah, so the good news is that they did know that they should be outraged by this story. That was it. That is as close to getting it right as they managed. Here's the page's goddamn description in its own words. Quote, these two God-fearing men were only trying to protect their neighborhood. This area has had a string of break-ins and this man fit the description

and did not comply with simple commands. Our heart goes out to the McMichael family in their time of need, end quote. Yeah, I think they're going to have all the time they need. Don't worry about that. And plenty of simple commands to comply with, too. So they'll get to have all the time they need. Don't worry about that. And plenty of simple commands to comply with, too. So they'll get to practice

that. And I feel like part of their punishment should be going around to all different parts of the country and jogging. I think that should be what they do. Like, car long. Long with their time. Certain parts of Atlanta. I got ideas. Absolutely. And to be clear, I'm not saying

they should get, like, vigilante murdered. I'm not saying they should get like vigilante murdered. I'm not expressing an opinion on that one way or another. They should have to jog. I want to watch these people jog specifically. Right. No, I've seen these. You would not have to murder them. I want to give them simple commands like jog more.

Yeah, the jog would do it. Yeah. So there is so goddamn much wrong with that, including the fact, by the way, that there had not been a goddamn string of break-ins. There was no suspect and thus no goddamn description for Ahmaud Arbery to match. But since these are the rules those motherfuckers want to play by, fine. I'll play by those rules for a minute. Hey, assholes who started this Facebook page, suck my fucking dick.

Pretty simple command that was straightforward yeah by your own logic until your lips are wrapped around my shaft i have the legal right to shoot you to death that's true jog a little more kind of a stupid fucking sentence when you speak it all the way out isn't it jesus i want you to jog while blowing noah we'll get a palanquin setup going. That's a baby penguin for people who don't know. And finally tonight, the Catholic Church has gone full Alex Jones.

And you never go full Alex Jones. And you never go full Alex Jones. No. Honestly, according to official court transcripts from his own divorce hearing, even Alex Jones doesn't go full Alex Jones. It's a persona. It's an act. He had to admit it.

But not in the case of the church. They recently put out an open letter to the entire world explaining that this whole COVID-19 thing is a plandemic hoax to persecute religion and create a one world government they really did that you know for a secret society with a history of ritual child abuse in a city full of nazi gold they got a lot of nerves accusing anybody the illuminata yeah right no this fucking has a real oj pledging to find the real killer feel to it doesn't it yeah and here's a few highlights from the open letter which by the

way is titled appeal for the church and the world to catholics and all people of goodwill. So first of all, fuck you. Fuck you. And also, just to be clear, they seem to think the letter is from the entire world and to the good people of the world. Idiots. Learn to fucking write. Well, but to be clear, they did think to separate out Catholics

from people of goodwill, and that's nice. I wish more people would. Yeah, there's some do that. Sweet nod. They also mention right away that their letter has been undersigned by, quote, intellectuals, doctors, lawyers, journalists, and

professionals who agree with its content. Professionals of what? Don't fuck yourself. They're pros, asshole. They're pros. And one of the signers was cardinal robert sarah who we just talked about who is also by the way on the short list to become the next pope he's in like the top 10 prospects right now and he actually pulled his name off the undersigned area a few hours after the letter got released and then he pretended he never signed it then he got caught lying about that and then he kept lying

but he definitely signed it when he first saw it he's just like honestly i just scan these things for kid fucking confessions and i sign if i don't see one i mean yeah something like that so despite having access to academics we know that perhaps even professional academics they couldn't even write a coherent title but the actual content of this thing is way worse than the tenuous grasp on human language for example they start by saying quote quote, the facts have shown. Nope. Already. Nope. I'm just going to throw in a note for whatever they're about to say. Whatever they think the facts have shown, they don't. But they say the facts have shown that under the pretext of the covid-19 epidemic, the inalienable rights of citizens have been violated and their fundamental freedoms, including the freedom of worship, expression, and movement,

have been unjustifiably restricted. Public health must not and cannot, well, obviously it can become whatever you're about to name is the problem. That's why you're writing the letter. But they continue, it must not and cannot become an alibi for infringing on the rights of millions of people around the world, let alone for depriving the civil authority of its duty to act wisely for the common good, which was a weird finish to that. Okay.

In their defense, mitigating a plague interferes with the church's whole business model. True that. True that. Okay, so I get where they're coming from with their freedom of worship and movement bit, but whose fucking freedom of expression is being interfered with? Are they talking about people on ventilators?

I went... And from there, it goes on to yell in advance about a vaccine that might involve fucking stem cells because they think that means we grind up fetuses, in advance about a vaccine that might involve fucking stem cells because they think that means we grind up fetuses, cook the

powder in a spoon and inject people with baby heroin. We don't do that for vaccines. No, exactly. They also just generally refuse to take any future vaccine regardless of the baby content. And from there, the letter demands that the world

doesn't allow quote an odious technological tyranny that was in bold in which nameless and faceless people can decide the fate of the world by confining us to a virtual reality and quote you know i'm with them on this one, though. If we find any nameless, faceless people, our first priority should be getting them names and faces. After that, maybe they can decide to confine people into Beat Saber, but not before.

Yeah. In conclusion, I kill you with my mind powers. Well, you're really close. Did he nail it? You can't satirize these people. Seriously, they close their very important, serious letter about fucking science by saying, again, exact quote, May the Blessed Virgin crush the head of the ancient serpent and defeat the plans of the Children of Darkness.

End of letter. I stand corrected. That is way sillier than the joke I wrote before I read that sentence. Oh, God, they only didn't use yours because they didn't know how to spell me, me, me, me, me, me. Somebody next to the typer was like me me me me me while they wrote that all right well on that note i'm pretty sure one of us needs to get his head crushed by a virgin so uh we're gonna wrap the headlines up for the night heath eli thanks as always jim baker out of stroke should try some colloidal silver silver didn't fix it when we come back

sound effects will be here to make the Bible bearable. Pizza. Sushi. Pizza. Sushi. Pizza. Guys, guys, what's with all this yelling? Eli and I are fighting about what to order tonight. Yeah.

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So if the only comfort you have from the dark hole that is 2020 is food, then why not sign up today at blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron. Literally suck our fucking dicks. Really? No way. Sushi. Ad's over, man. Okay, ad's over.

Great American humorist Mark Twain once said that the best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible. But since that's a tougher cure than chemo, we're trying to add a spoonful of sugar with yet another edition of... Bible Peace Theater. Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty man of valor.

Valorous, thank you. And the son of a harlot. Okay, that seems like a weird add-on. Hey, brothers. What's going on, guys? How are you? Uh, Jephthah, we need to ask you to leave. It's a lot of things, really.

Just, it's not an ideal situation. We're, uh, relateralizing the structure of the house. Yeah, that's it. Relateralizing. Yeah. Is this because my mom's a harlot? That's why you're doing this, right? Kinda, yeah. Yeah, very much so. Okay, what if I get her to stop

camming in the living room, just entirely? I mean, it's too late for that, man. We went past that a long time ago. Okay. Lou, Lou, Lou. Doing Jephthah stuff. Jephthah stuff is my favorite stuff. Jephthah, you have to come quick.

Yeah, we need you, brother. The Ammonites are attacking again. Seriously? You just kicked me out moments ago. You kicked me out of the house because my mom was a harlot, and now you want me to come back and save you from attackers? Really? Yes. Yeah.

Okay, I'll do it. Wait, you will? Yeah, honestly, whatever gets me out of the house, I'm cool with that. She's still camming from the living room. There are lots of reasons, Phil. Lots of reasons that I'm doing this. Are there? Are there really? No, it's just the one. Dear King of the

Ammonites, WTF Jephthah? Jephthah? Question mark. King of the Ammonites. King of the Ammonites? Seriously? Why are you trying to kill us, Jephthah? Jephthah, um, because you massacred us and stole all our land. First of all, God gave us your land and told us to murder you.

Why don't you ask your God to give you guys some land, Jephthah? Fine. I spoke to God, and he says you should give us our land back. Okay? Dear King of the Ammonites, sounds great. Just let me check with my God real quick jephthah i don't care what he said the answer is no okay okay wait wait wait wait wait does that guy's god have a picture of

me like jerking it to russian hookers peeing on each other no yeah then no go with no okay is there uh then never mind no nothing nothing nope okay okay dear king of the ammonites sorry but my god said no jephthah left on red. 11-24. Okay, God, if you help me defeat the Ammonites, I promise I'll offer a burnt offering to you with the very first thing I see when I get back. That'll be the offering. Hooray!

Hooray! Daddy, you're back! Damn it all to hell, really? Wow. Happy to see you too, Dad. No, no, it's, really? Wow, happy to see you too, Dad. No, no, it's, okay, I'm happy to see you. It's just, I promised God I'd sacrifice the first living thing I saw when I got back, and you just, like, walked right up.

Well, fuck. Maybe give me a heads up about that shit next time, huh? I brought my tambourines and everything. Okay, well, just, how was I supposed to know you were going to be the first thing I saw? I walked for two days through a desert just now. You didn't even see a lizard? No, not even a lizard. Yeah.

Okay. Ridiculous. Okay, look, we can work with this. Remember Abraham and Isaac? Let's just, you know, take a couple months to mourn the fact that I never got any dick. I, sorry, you want to like. Just let me finish Just let me finish Let me finish So two months of mourning Then

You go to sacrifice me But what's that? Angel of God stops you And I can get on filling this hole If you know what I mean I really want you to stop Hanging around your grandmother No

Okay dad It's been two months. Guess you better sacrifice me now. Yep, guess I better sacrifice my only child to God. So, uh, here I go doing that. Nothing? Yeah, nothing. I'm not getting anything.

All right, okay. All right. Okay. All right. Maybe you got to, like, start, and then it'll stop you. Start killing you? Are you sure? Yeah, yeah. Get that big rock over there and drop it on me, and an angel will stop you, and everything. Okay.

That feels like a weird way to test it, but what if it does? What if an angel doesn't stop? If we know anything about this book, it's repetitive. And, and everything. Okay. That feels like a weird way to test it. But what if it does? What, what if an angel doesn't stop? If we know anything about this book, it's repetitive. Just, just do it. Get the rock. Fine. Fine. Fine.

We'll do the rock thing. Did I do that? Get it? Like, like Steve Urkel. Seriously, you're the worst. I, I hate you so much. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't blame me, Jephthah.

She should have known better. Known what better? What? Uh, that the only thing this book does more than repeat itself is hate women. Hate women. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's on her, actually. Good point.

Yeah. Lou, Lou, Lou. Doing dead daughter stuff. Dead daughter stuff is, well, actually not at all my favorite stuff. But, Lou, Lou, Lou. Jeptha favorite stuff. But, loo-loo-loo. Jephthah. Yeah. Jephthah, I must speak to you.

Uh, Moses? Who is this Moses you speak of? Yes, we are the men of Ephraim. Seriously, another character with a lisp, Eli? Hey, hey, don't blame me. It's in the Bible. I don't think it's in the Bible. It is. You'll see. Keep reading. You'll see. I'm pretty sure it's not in the Bible. The word lisp?

And we seek the answer for why you thought of not when you struck down the Ammonites. Um, well, because I didn't need you guys. Um, well, because I didn't need you guys. Well then, sir, you leave us no choice but to seek you for Thornys XIII as one of our enemies. What? We're in a fight now. Okay, got it. Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead and fought with Ephraim,

and the men of Gilead smote Ephraim, and the Gileadites took the passages of Jordan before the Ephraimites, and it was so. Dude, those guys kicked our asses. You can sure say that again. Hey, hey. Oh, hey, Jepht. Hey. Oh, hey, Jeff. Hey. Huh?

Yeah. Hey, you guys wouldn't be from Ephraim, would you? Us? I mean, we? No, not we. No, we're just 42,000 dudes walking through the desert, walking through the sand, walking through here. Interesting. Cool.

Okay. Well, I guess I'll let you get on your way. Just really quick, go ahead and say Shibboleth for me. What now? Shibboleth, just say that word and I'll let you go you'd be all set um yeah yeah no problem uh well yeah cool okay uh count of three one two three yeah i thought so see told you in the bible i i guess so yeah kind of still feels like you just have a lisp thing i don't like that they sound like sexy babies there it is and jephthah judged israel six years then died jephthah the gileadite and was buried in one of the cities of Gilead.

Man, this is like a lot of the book. Yeah, a lot of the book. Right, right. Sure, sure. Yeah, like a lot. Hey, you know what I've been watching? What's that? What you watching? Carnival.

Ooh, the old HBO show? The HBO show, yeah. There's like a magic little boy in that one, right? Yeah, there is. Is it a good show? It's hard to say.

I feel like there was this time period when HBO wasn't good yet, but it wasn't, you know, Skinamax anymore. It was like somewhere in between. Yes, it was like there was hookers at the point, and then there was a bunch of stuff that was kind of both of them, and then it was like, oh, here's the wire. We make the wire now.

Right, yeah, exactly. And Carnival is like in that in-between zone. It's good, but it's also like weird, but it's also sexy. I don't know. You know what is good, though? Like all the way good? What? Deadwood.

Eh. What? It's like the first great HBO show. Everybody says that. It's so slow. It's cinematic. Is it? It's cinematically slow.

Whatever. You have no taste. Oh, I'm an old cowboy. I'm walking through town glaring at everyone again. Cinema. Oh. I was buried in Pirithon in the land of Ephraim in the Mount of the Amalekites. And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the Lord,

and the Lord delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years. And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah, and his wife was barren and barren out. Lou, lou, lou, lou, doing barren stuff. Barren stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, hey! What up? My goodness, you... You must be an angel, because you look terrible.

Yeah, I get that a lot. Yep. No, I mean, like, you look like Michael Chiklo's, like, first-to-tip-it drag. Got it. Yes. Heard that exact thing before. Yeah, you look like the word ain't date to the prom. Okay, do you want your message from God or not? That's what I'm here for. Yes. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

Sorry. Okay, so God is going to give you a son. Nice. But, but you're not allowed to drink. I mean, okay, I can handle that. And you didn't let me finish. And you cannot eat any poop. I'm sorry, say what?

I know, I know. It's a tough one. But your son will be a Nazirite. So don't cut his hair. Don't drink any alcohol. Or again, I cannot stress this enough. Don't eat even the tiniest nug of poop. None.

I don't think I'm really going to. No matter how deliciously coiled, no matter how redolent of aromatic spices it may smell, you cannot eat any poop. Okay, got it. Stay strong. Thank you. Serious. Okay.

And thank you serious okay and uh thank you and so then she talked for like a solid minute about how great eating poop was it was really fucking weird yeah hon that sounds like a crazy dream no no i'm telling you it wasn't a dream it was an angel she looked like the the villain in a in a weight Watchers animated movie or something. It was crazy. You know what? Fine. God, if your angel was real, please send them back. Sup?

You guys eat some poop already? I get it. I get it. You're only human. So just let me go over the rules one more time. No, no, no. My husband just wanted to make sure you were real. That's all. Oh, yup. Yeah, real. no. My husband just wanted to make sure you were real. That's all.

Oh, yep. Yeah, real, obviously. And you really are an angel? That's me, real angel. Yes. Okay, because you look like somebody gave a can of tomato soup an extreme makeover. Okay, anyway, you're going to have a kid. Great.

Nice. Right, but you can't drink alcohol, his hair or eat any poop and again no matter how deliciously coiled it is we got it yep thank you okay can i get you anything a whole goat perhaps yes how'd you know we saw you finish one outside so fast fast. Road snack. Yeah. Crushed it. Sure. So, do you want another one? Yeah, you know what? Why not? Hit me. Cheat days, am I right? Yeah, I'll have one.

Alright, one goat as asked. Nice! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna die from watching that. Oh, yeah feel like I'm going to die from watching that. Oh, yeah, me too. Don't worry. You won't.

You won't. Is it an option at least? Please let it pass. And on that note, we're going to close this weird-ass book for a little while. But if I recall correctly, there's a long-haired dude coming up in the next segment that would have Pastor Lindley livid, so be sure to stay tuned for even more Bible Peace Theater. Before we jiggle the handle tonight, I said last week that we'd have more information about my upcoming book this week. And since there's nothing to report, really, all I can say is that we're still in the proofing slash getting Andrew to reword all the libelous stuff phase of things.

But as soon as there's more to tell, I'll tell you more. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. But we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows. Hot Friend got off a movie. Stay being at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed. Debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be a shadow of my former self if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for putting the heat in Heath, Lucinda Lusions for putting the sin in Lucinda, Eli Bosnick for putting the lib in Eli Bosnick, and Don Ford for putting the oi in Voice of Fantasy and Adventure.

I also want to thank Cass for providing this week's Farnsworth quote back in October of last year. And thanks for the reminder that we often don't even have to leave the bounds of our own bodies to disprove intelligent design. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Jill, Kitson, Elaine, Ann, Kelly, Cody, Sarah, Jordan, New Madison, Chris, that one ex-mo, Elaine, Christopher, David in Brooklyn, Squintzel, Nico, Matthew,

Jerry, Matt, Dad, Mom, Docs, me, Mike, Andy, and other Mike, Jill, Kitson, Elaine, Ann, Kelly, Cody, Sarah, Mom, Docs, Me, Mike, Andy, and Other Mike. Jill, Kitchen, Elaine, Ann, Kelly, Cody, Sarah, Jordan, New Madison, who are so classy they uncork their whip ass. Chris, That One Exmo, Elaine, Christopher, David, Brooklyn, Squintle, and Nico, whose IQs have more digits than the Rochambeau World Championship. And Matthew, Jerry, Matt, Dad, Mom, Docs, Me, Mike, Andy, and Other Mike, who are so bright even their names leave an afterimage in your eye. Together, these 22 women, men, non-gender conforming people, apostates and tattles helped preserve our rage for the next generation by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadius, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadius.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdias.com. I'm so sorry. They sound like sexy babies. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.