The Scathing Atheist - 381: Samson of a Gun Edition

Episode Date: June 4, 2020

In this week’s episode, Steve King applies for a job with the Minneapolis Police Department, Donald Trump tries really hard to hold a book, and the world will get a bonus Bosnick. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the Good, Better, Quest podcast here: http://gbqpod.com/ --- Headlines: Mad About George Floyd?...Then Protest Planned Parenthood: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/30/right-wing-activists-mad-about-george-floyd-then-protest-planned-parenthood/ https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/gordon-klingenschmitt-and-josh-bernstein-wonder-why-george-floyd-protesters-are-not-protesting-planned-parenthood/ Trump holds bible, pisses off church: https://www.washingtonpost.com/religion/2020/06/02/trump-catholic-shrine-church-bible-protesters/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/06/01/trump-holds-up-bible-for-photo-op-after-peaceful-protesters-are-tear-gassed/ Conservative Christians Can’t Handle Pixar’s “Out,” a Short Film With a Gay Lead: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/27/conservative-christians-cant-handle-pixars-out-a-short-film-with-a-gay-lead/ Christian Moms Say Pixar’s “Out,” a Same-Sex Love Story, Is “Promoting Sin”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/28/christian-moms-say-pixars-out-a-same-sex-love-story-is-promoting-sin/ Supreme Court Rejects Challenge from CA Church Trying to Override Attendance Cap: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/30/supreme-court-rejects-challenge-from-ca-church-trying-to-override-attendance-cap/ U.S. Priest May Become a Saint After Posthumously “Curing” an Unborn Child: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/30/u-s-priest-may-become-a-saint-after-posthumously-curing-an-unborn-child/ --- This Week in Misogyny: In the U.K., Domestic Abuse Has Soared, Not Least Among Believers: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/27/in-the-u-k-domestic-abuse-has-soared-not-least-among-believers/ Catholic Chaplain blames COVID-19 on abortion: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/06/02/chaplain-covid-19-is-punishment-for-speaking-boastfully-proudly-of-abortions/ NJ Judge Who Advised Sexual Assault Victim to “Close Your Legs” Kicked Off Bench: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/05/27/nj-judge-who-advised-sexual-assault-victim-to-close-your-legs-kicked-off-bench/

Warning, the profanity comes early and often in this one. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Honey, and by a bunch of riots that destroyed a bunch of property until that won me the right to do stuff. Rioting to protest political oppression. The only reason everything isn't shit. And now, The scathing atheist. Lou, Lou, Lou. Doing half-orc barbarian stuff. Half-orc barbarian stuff is my favorite stuff. This is Doug from the Good Better Quest podcast and Final Plank Media,

wishing you all a happy Pride Month, standing in solidarity with Black Lives Matter, and reminding you that we did, in in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's June 4th. And it's National Cheese Day and National Moonshine Day. Same day. Wow. So the fact that Heath is here at all is kind of miraculous.

I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. I just call it Thursday. And from Cincinnati Swing State and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Steve King applies for a job with the Minneapolis Police Department. Donald Trump tries really hard to hold a book. And the world gets a bonus, Bosnick. But first, the diatribe so first of all here's the quote quote it seems like now is the time to say, I understand your pain.

I want to comfort you. I think it's time we love each other. But the president took a different course. He said, I am the president of law and order. And he issued a heads up. He said, I'm ready to send in military troops if the nation's governors don't act to quell the violence that has rocked American cities. Matter of fact, he spoke of them as being jerks you just don't do that mr president it isn't cool end quote and those were the words

of pat fucking robertson the man who once said that gay people had secret needles on the inside of their rings dipped in hiv positive blood so that they could spite murder the straights with aids thinks that donald trump could be a little bit more woke about how he's handling this shit and look we're gonna talk about the bit where he ordered a park full of peaceful protesters to be gassed so that he could get a propaganda picture of him molesting a bible like he was grabbing it by the pussy in the headlines but ordered a park full of peaceful protesters to be gassed so that he could get a propaganda picture of him molesting a bible like he was grabbing it by the pussy in the headlines but i wanted to address this phenomenon we're seeing right now and a religious folks slowly coming over to the

anti-trump fold separately because i'm not buying the notion that these motherfuckers are just now noticing that mr two corinthians is only using religion as a prop and is dangerous as hell to pretend otherwise. See, here's the thing. We're going to be tempted to forgive these motherfuckers. You know, a lot of people suddenly forgave George W. Bush for instituting an actual national torture policy and starting a war against the concept just because he said the right thing about Trump a few times. I'm worried we're about to do the same shit with a lot of the very same religious leaders that gave us President Donald Trump trump and it's easy to see how it happens belatedly they come our way some egregious action or another serves as either a catalyst or an

excuse and they say why now he's gone too far right and whatever the action is no matter how egregious that moment is going to be hypocritical as all fuck. People who didn't turn against him when he locked children away from their parents and then lost them, who continued to support him when he said neo-Nazis were very fine people, who stood by him when he tried to bribe a foreign leader into manufacturing evidence against his political rival with taxpayer dollars. These people are suddenly going to see the light and say oh but this was too much for me and as artificial and convenient as that conversion is there will be those of us who want to adopt a better late than never attitude and grit our teeth and welcome them with open arms and by so doing keep them in place for the next would-be tyrant they decide to suck off in hopes of getting a

few more anti-abortion judges on the bench. Right now, I get a lot of people don't buy the concept here at all. Right. They see Pat Robertson's mild rebuke and these leaders condemning his biblical photo ops. And they see the same kind of tsk, tsk, tsk bullshit they saw when, like, Lindsey Graham gave him a stern talking to about the very fine neo-Nazi remark. Or when Marco Rubio threatened to cut off his Tuesday hand jobs if he abandoned the Kurds. They feel like this sense of permanence, the sense that no amount of atrocious behavior and no amount of public disgrace could dislodge Republicans from their worship of Trump. And I just want to remind those people that before the ship starts sinking, getting rid of the rats seems impossible, too. You know know i don't claim everybody's going to jump ship

here nothing in life is absolute the same extremists that were the first to embrace his ass will be the last to let him go there are a certain number of people in this country especially amongst its religious leaders that don't mind wearing their bigotry on their sleeve but trump didn't rise to power on the backs of extremists there aren't enough of them for that to work he got where he is because the mainstream of evangelical Christianity embraced him. The mainstream of conservative politics embraced him. The mainstream of Republican media embraced him. And those are the ones that are going to start rewriting history the soonest. When that starts to happen, it'll be real tempting to just celebrate any leak in the hole, right? The fucking threat from SS Trump was so omnipresent and so all-encompassing

that any step towards alleviating it was going to inspire a sigh of relief. That's just natural. But let's not lose track of the fact that all those shipless rats swimming towards our boat saying they never liked Trump that much to begin with might have an ulterior motive for their conversion. Look, I've watched this play out before, and you have too, most likely. I watched this. A lot of people rewrote their support for George W.

and pretended they agreed that torture was bad the whole time. I'm watching many of those same fucking people rewrite their opposition to Obama. And if you think the abundance of on-record proof of the MAGA bullshit is going to dissuade any of these motherfuckers, you've obviously never presented evidence to a Christian before. Evangelical Christianity gave us Donald Trump. A lot of other things were involved, but it was that demographic of backwards bigots that made him a viable national candidate. What's more, they got what they wanted out of him. Any progress we were

making towards a more inclusive nation has been arrested and rolled back. The judiciary is in their pockets for a fucking generation. A scapegoat too stupid to resist is willingly taking all the credit for the most reprehensible of their goals. And once he's gone, they're all going to look around, ask who the fuck that dude was and who the fuck invited him to the party and tell us about the next great political candidate to come along and if we don't tell them to go fuck themselves that time we might not get another chance they're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight is a man who was a riot before it was cool Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to incite? Yeah, I mean, honestly, I could walk up to a cop and punch him in the face and he'd be like, ha ha ha, classic noogie, ha, jokes.

Now, what's that black guy doing with that menacing rectangle in his hand? Yeah. It looks like a phone, but I'm sure it's a weapon. White privilege is the fact that until recently, we didn't even have a term for that. Whiting. In our lead story tonight, speaking of which, 2020 is officially the year of white guys missing the point. That also applies to pretty much all the other years in human history, but especially this one. And here we are, two white guys doing a podcast.

A medium that's almost defined by this phenomenon of white guys missing the point. The number one show in the world might as well be called White Guys Missing the Point with Joe Rogan. So we're going to try really hard to buck that trend right now while we talk about the biggest story in the news. really hard to buck that trend right now while we talk about the biggest story in the news the swell of protests in response to the murder of george floyd by minneapolis police officer derek chauvin and also at least three other officers who watched it happen and did nothing i'd say that's also murder yeah cops are not allowed to do that no no nobody is i don't think it it's the latest example in a terrifying history of white cops killing people of color out of fear and bigotry. And that's the point.

Everything else is fucking noise, especially the noise of ignorant white people complaining about the etiquette of how a community should request politely to not be murdered. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But I mean, not during America's jingle, but yes, other times. Right. When no one's listening is the important thing.

Yeah. So, yeah, we could talk for hours about the disgusting behavior of police departments in response to these protests all over the world now and the disgusting behavior of the President of the United States who encouraged more violence by police including the phrase when the looting starts the shooting starts apparently he wanted to reference the police brutality of the 1960s and also get a whimsical

rhyme in there too yeah well he had to steal a whimsical rhyme right he's not going to come up with his own shit but yes no ghost written right a nice fun all to steal a whimsical rhyme, right? He's not going to come up with his own shit. But yes, ghostwritten. A nice fun allusion to a whimsical rhyme about police brutality and racism. Anyway, this is The Scathing Atheist. So what we're going to do is focus on the role of religion here. Of course, we've seen religious leaders all over the country condemning Floyd's murder and being super proud of how they got that one right. So congrats, I guess.

But I haven't heard anything from these people about how the tribalism of their whole fucking thing is part of the problem or how they're maybe going to fix that. Chauvin was just another fake Scotsman to add to their giant list. Exactly. Exactly. And if you don't think religion has a fucking role to play, let me remind you that if you subtract out the evangelicals, Hillary wins in a landslide.

Yeah, and that's just one of so many things that would be improved by subtracting out evangelicals. Right? Pretty sure that's all the things in the known universe, actually. And by the way, I'm not just guessing that religious tribalism is feeding the problem. Feels like a pretty safe guess. I don't really need any numbers to back me up, but we actually do have very clear numbers on that. In particular, about Christian nationalism,

the belief that the U.S. was founded on Christianity. It was not. No. But the white evangelical community is pretty much the same circle in the Venn diagram as the Christian nationalist community. And a recent study by sociologists from the University of Oklahoma and Clemson found that a Christian nationalist is noticeably more likely to believe that police treat people of color the same as they treat white people. And also to believe that police shoot black people more than white people because the former group is more violent jesus they even found that this holds regardless of your personal politics or even your race so a liberal person of color if they're also a christian nationalist apparently they found plenty of those. Yeah, seems odd. Even that person is more likely to believe those two ridiculous, bigoted falsehoods about race and law enforcement.

And of course, police departments all over the country are disproportionately full of conservative white Christian men, especially Christian nationalists. These people can't be trusted in the stands of a Little League game, let alone with a badge and a gun and actual power. Right. Well, look, if you ever come out against accountability, you shouldn't have a badge and a fucking gun. Yeah.

And the goddamn police union regularly comes out against accountability. That's like their job right now. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And circling back to getting hit in the face with the point and still missing it we heard from gordon klingenschmidt this week oh that explains the no welcome back right he's been hit in the face with the point many times before okay all

right yeah so in case anyone's not familiar he's an evangelical activist former gop lawmaker and former navy chaplain who got court-martialed for being a theocratic asshole and then uncourt-martialed because congress is made of theocratic assholes and he appealed it and somehow they undid that well apparently he did not die of man bear pig complications like i assume and he's still making a nationally broadcast TV show. And his big takeaway from the murder of George Floyd is that protesters should really be focused on planned parenthood and their baby genocide. You know, if killing bothers you. know if killing bothers you according to klingenschmidt quote planned parenthood killed 360 000 black babies in 2014 and similar numbers in other years black children have been the victims of genocide for years use those exact words continuing is there any outrage over the

innocent black babies being murdered compared to this guy who was suspected of forgery. Granted, that's a crime. He's not innocent. But, but, but, he still shouldn't have been mistreated, read murdered, the way he was.

Mistreated, murdered, those are synonyms. Wow, fucking Gokulins cannot make it to a fucking paragraph on the subject without condemning the victim gross right like for the record

being suspected of something is not a fucking crime nope you are innocent it's the whole fucking principle of the goddamn justice system that we've got

and also look I'm willing to bet a lot of cops in Minneapolis suspect unborn black kids of crimes. They don't even fucking have fingerprints right now. They could be stealing all kinds of shit.

Fetus is coming out face first. It's aggressive. Yeah. And bottom line, if you hear about millions of people demanding an end to bigotry-fueled murder, and you're focused on some windows getting broken broken as if that's somehow relevant to the larger point maybe ask someone to politely deliver the point written on a brick so you can get it yeah there you go or at least look like fuck you go clings when you miss it yeah and in chicken crossing the road news tonight i know where you're going Yeah, we've been carrying that joke for a long fucking time just for this occasion.

Trump had never held a book before Monday and then when asked to do so, wasn't entirely sure how that would work. So tricky. We learned this during a... What is this, a rectangle? Torch, isn't it? Torch? torch isn't a torch we learned this during a photo op when a president used force against peaceful protesters so that he could threaten to use force against non-peaceful protesters in an effort to show that hiding in a bunker from unarmed people despite having the world's best trained security detail isn't cowardly all while holding a bible like he was helping

bob barker pitch it to a lucky contestant. It was so silly. It was so awkward. It was like me getting handed a baby for the first time. It went so badly. I'm trying to find the laces like at the football so I can throw a spiral. No idea what I'm supposed to do. Trump basically gave the book

an ass out hug. It was fucking brutal. So this whole fucking dog and pony show happened at saint john's episcopal church which is essentially immediately across the street from the white house okay and trump's goals in choosing this location were twofold the first was to get away from the white house to show that dc streets were safe and that he didn't have to like hide in his bunker that's just where he kept all his big toys that's it's where he wanted to be, actually.

The second was to show that protesters had vandalized a church with their riotous behavior. And, of course, because it's fucking Trump, both of these things backfired. The first one failed because he literally had to tear gas a peaceful crowd for that chicken shit bastard to walk to what would basically be like the fucking white house's mailbox and the second is because his goddamn present defaced the church more than the fire damage at least according to its bishop yeah and i think my favorite part of his horrible

little speech was the very first moment. It's the greatest. Watch the video. He walks up to the podium in complete silence. He pauses for applause for, it felt like 20 minutes. That absolutely never happens. No applause. And then he finally starts his speech with, thank you. Thank you.

To nothing. What were you thinking he seemed to assume they were going to dub in some fucking applause after the fact or something right like the cheers live studio audience was right there waiting for him to give a speech and yeah right and look i i'm i'm not one to praise religious leaders see this diatribe and all the other ones, really. And everyone who would dedicate their lives to a brazen lie that causes so goddamn much damage in the world has a lot to answer for. But that doesn't mean I can't highlight it when they broken clock their way into doing something right.

And I will say that it's been nice to see that when Trump has tried to cozy up to the Bible the last few days, the Bible keeps like scooting down the bench a little bit. The Bible keeps like scooting down the bench a little bit. For example, Bishop Marion Edgar Budd of the Episcopal Diocese of Washington has been making a lot of press by expressing her outrage that Trump would use their church without notice as a prop to send a message that she describes as, quote, antithetical to the teachings of Jesus. Yeah, OK, good work, Marianne. But while we're on the topic, maybe make yourself a list of other things that are antithetical to the teachings of Jesus. You know, put it on a Post-it. Stick it to your laptop. I feel like it might be useful for you. Yeah. Now, the same shit happened again the following day, too, when Trump did another photo op at the D.C. Shrine

honoring the late Pope John Paul II. Washington Archbishop Wilton Gregory condemned the visit and expressed outrage that a Catholic facility would, quote, allow itself to be so egregiously misused and manipulated

in a fashion that violates our religious principles, end quote. And to be fair to Archbishop Gregory, Donald Trump actually is one of the nine people in the world that doesn't meet

the minimal ethical requirements to use John Paul II's shrine in his photo ops. That is true, technically. It's hard to get under that bar. Impressive. And in beautiful gay in the neighborhood news, it seems that the folks at Pixar realized you guys would all feel this episode had been a little too Bosnic-less for a little too

long, so they released a short film on Disney Plus that had the audacity to feature a gay person not getting eternally tormented for their sins. So, Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out. That's right. The nine-minute animated film Out features a gay protagonist struggling with how to come out to his parents. And the folks at Pixar, bless their little hearts, knew full well how pissed off Christians were going to get and they helped arm those of us who might take the time to point out how

stupid it is to be pissed off about something like this by putting these words in the fucking film's description quote with some help from his precocious pup and a little bit of magic Greg might learn that he has nothing to hide end quote

to which christians all over the country said the hell he doesn't i love this pixar was like please start a fight with us we make cartoons for children and christianity took the bait no we're in a fight fuck you fucking easy cartoon for kids maker if you ever had to catch anybody in a fucking box with a stick, it would be so easy to do with these motherfuckers. So among the pearl clutchers were the folks at LifeSite News, employers of all the rude Canadians and website that routinely blames child sex abuse by clergy on homosexuality. They accused Disney and Pixar of, quote quote pushing the homosexual agenda end quote without acknowledging

that nonsense of all the gay stuff they could push this is probably the one that's going to piss off life site news the least ken ham also can't think about gay people without the word pushing popping into his head he sent out a furious tweet accusing the company of trying to quote push the lgbtq agenda on kids end quote that agenda apparently is existing in space time yeah i love how they're all picturing like the president of gay at gay hq and he's looking at the gay agenda and checking off a box he's like, we exist in a cartoon. Check. Yeah, right. Nailed it in your face. Oh,

and by the way, speaking of people bad at orders of magnitude, 1 million moms demanded to speak to Pixar's manager over this as well, saying, quote, Disney cannot be trusted. Disney is clearly supporting unbiblical values and promoting sin to children. End quote.

Wow. Yeah, I sure hope Disney doesn't have to refund one million memberships to Disney+. That's going to put a dent in their profits. Yeah, don't worry. They don't. And while there's been no indication whatsoever that Pixar is interested in compromising

with these homophobes or showing the barest hint of concern that their bigotry just got hurt, if they are considering producing a short film that's entirely promoting of biblical values, Heath and I will write that motherfucker for free. They ain't going to let you put the shit on Disney+, but we will still write it for free. And while we work on a few storyboards, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Stamps.com. Hey, Heath, what are you doing?

Oh, hey, Noah, just gearing up for my trip to the post office. By the way, have you seen my thunder stick? I'm sorry, your what? Thunder stick. It's a spear. It's got an explosive round on the end. About yay big. What did you do to your hubcaps?

Oh, you like them? I pounded those nails in myself. I wanted the cool ejectable ones, but I figured that'll shred the tires of anybody who gets too close, just like that. Heath, this is crazy. Dude, social distancing. If they're not going to do it, I'm going to do it for them. Okay, but why not avoid the hassle of the post office altogether and just use stamps.com? Oh, what's stamps.com?

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Stay safe, my friends. What? You were just talking to me. I know. I'm just the one guy. It's me. Oh, right. No, it's in the must-read.

Okay. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man.

This Week in Massage. Kudos to the religious leaders in the UK who have been ringing the alarm about the increase in reports of domestic abuse in their communities during the long periods of social isolation. But at the same time, fuck them for how little they've done to address the underlining problems in their theology that promote that shit. that a lot of people sent me about leaders in Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, and Sikh communities warning that women in extremely religious groups are the most vulnerable to domestic abuse and least likely to seek help. Now, obviously, it's not a problem exclusive to religion by any means, but it certainly tends to rise in conjunction with religiosity, so much so that even the religious leaders feel the need to point it out.

And gotta be honest i can't help but wonder who the fuck they're warning aren't they the ones who should be getting that warning like hey guys like they're your misogynistic scribblings or you're gonna keep getting young women killed for flirting and shit so as much as i want to pat them on the back the very fact that they're warning us is a pretty good indicator that they don't deserve it. Of course, it doesn't help that the other coronavirus story everybody was sending me this week was an army chaplain who was blaming it on abortion. Anthony Kazanovich, and I probably murdered his name, but we do that to babies all the time, so who cares? Anyway, Tony Kaye wrote a blog where he said, among other bullshit, quote,

out of one side of our mouths, we pray to God to bring an end to the deaths of innocent, helpless human beings from COVID-19. Out of the other side of our mouths, we seek boastfully, proudfully of killing millions of innocent, helpless human beings by abortion, end quote. And I'm still waiting to see this in action. Anti-abortion zealots always tell me about it, but I have yet to come across somebody proudly boasting about their abortion score. Anyway, he goes on to imply that God's ignoring us about the COVID deaths because we're ignoring him about the aborted babies. So, middle of the road proposal. What if God just gives all the fatal COVID to the fetuses we were going to abort anyway? Win-win. And I got one final asshole for you before I wrap up this week.

Superior Court Judge John F. Russo Jr. is a piece of shit. This motherfucker berated a sexual assault victim in his court for having the audacity to seek a restraining order against her assailant. He asked her if she tried closing her legs or calling the police and then apparently joked about it to other court staff after she left. Well, it turns out that in this instance, the government got it right. First, he was suspended without pay for three months, and then the Supreme Court of New Jersey went one step further and removed him from the bench. What's more, he's been permanently banned from being a judge in the state for the rest of time. And keep in mind that this is a state that let Ken DeVecchio be a judge.

So on that brief glimpse of a silver lining, I'll say my goodbyes and hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in anti-social distancing news tonight, we have a rare piece of good news for you this week, and even rarer, it comes from the Supreme Court. On Friday, the nicest, highest court rejected an emergency appeal by a California church that sought to overturn attendance limits for worship services.

The South Bay United Pentecostal Church in San Diego argued that the state's plan to allow churches to open only at 25 percent capacity violated the First Amendment, even though it doesn't. And I'm going to be honest, I'm surprised I'm saying this, but a narrow majority of the SCOTUS was willing to admit that. OK, OK, but let's compromise. Let's be let's be fair. If the Pentecostal church is willing to stay under 25% capacity, I will happily allow them as many venomous snakes as they want without counting toward the total. Those don't count. I've had it with these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking theology.

Now, it's 2020, so no silver lining can go untarnished. I should point out that this was a 5-4 decision. Alito, Gorsuch, Thomas, and Kaganaw were all ready to abandon reality and precedent and pretend that this was a legitimate question. In his dissent, Kavanagh labeled the restriction discrimination. Really? An accusation so out of touch with reality that Chief Justice Roberts took the rare step of accusing Kavanagh of judicial activism, which, while true as all fuck, is still a striking rebuke coming from his fellow conservative on the Supreme Court.

Yeah. And honestly, I sure hope this does not drive Anthony Kennedy into a dark depression for the rest of his coward fucking life, knowing that his entire legacy was completely ruined by resigning with Trump in office like a fucking coward because he's a coward. So, yeah, that's fun. Hope that's not happening to him. And also, good thing we have a super woke progressive like John Roberts

to be the voice of reason on the Supreme Court right now. Jesus fucking Christ, yeah. So, you know, it's hard to imagine what a story that wouldn't remind you of how important your vote in is in November would even look like at this point. You know, maybe I could find something archaeological, maybe astronomical, but pretty sure all current events can't help but highlight how dangerously inept and unprecedentedly corrupt our national leader is. But it's hard to imagine one that highlights it better than the course

just barely deciding that you not dying is more important than preachers getting tithes. All right. And finally tonight, Reverend Michael J. McGivney, the Irish-American founder of the mostly Italian-themed Catholic Fraternal Order Knights of Columbus, is finally getting the recognition he deserves for also curing the life-threatening condition of a fetus in 2015. McGivney was born in Waterford, Connecticut in 1852. McGivney was born in Waterford, Connecticut in 1852. He became a priest in 1877,

and he did priesting stuff around New Haven for a while. He created the Knights of Columbus in 1882. He died in 1890, and then he cured a fetus in 2015. Weird. And now he's being officially considered for sainthood after Pope Francis decided that whole timeline is perfectly reasonable. This guy is up for sainthood. But to be clear, he wasn't a knight and this fucking thing was founded in New Haven.

Everything in Catholicism is a lie, people. All of it. All right. So let's take a look at that timeline a bit more closely. All right, so let's take a look at that timeline a bit more closely. This is the chain of events that made Pope Francis convinced about McGivney's amazing work, starting with the Knights of Columbus, which is a big check in the pro column for the Pope. McGivney founded a group that refuses to allow women.

That's still a rule in 2020. Wow. And they spend most of their time fighting for conservative political goals like male bodily autonomy of female bodies and the hetero right of knowing that non-hetero people don't have certain rights and the knights of columbus has donated millions and millions of dollars to pay for lobbying against same-sex marriage and of course against other basic lgbt freedoms that's another big check in the pro column yeah well we're right because whether i hand you money or pay your rent it's all the same to you yeah then in 2008 pope benedict declared mcgivney a quote venerable servant of God, which basically means your sainthood is in pre-closing escrow.

Like you're getting closer. Yeah, yeah, right. But but was he a magical bigot? Well, fast forward to 2013. and that's when a woman's fetus did not die and she told her priest that she prayed to the the knights of columbus guy to to make that happen hoping that he would put in a good word with god to to make that happen the fetus magically didn't die the and that's what happened it magically didn't die or maybe it magically didn't die in 2014 or 2015. The details aren't important, nor are they.

It could have magically not died in all three. Verifiable. Yeah. Oh, it perhaps didn't die all those times. But that's what happened. That's the official story. So Pope Francis thought about that for five or six or seven years. We're not sure.

And then he finally decided last week to put McGivney up for beatification, the penultimate step before sainthood. Was he waiting to make sure that the kid he saved didn't turn out to be an asshole or something? Just hedging. Yeah, smart. So now they just need a sainthood mortgage appraiser to sign off and McGivney's pretty much all set.

He'll just need to retroactively in the future perform one more posthumous miracle. And then he can have his very own day and his very own job fixing problems for extremely specific types of wishes. So, Mike, if you're if you're listening, great work with all the fetuses that, well, the ones that did not die, I guess. Yeah, bad work with the other ones. I heard like 340,000 black ones got killed in 2014. You weren't there for any of that shit.

Whatever. Alright, so I guess what we're saying is short the sainthood market. And on that advice, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. Jumanji! And when we come back, Eli will suddenly be here, and that're going to close the headlines for the night he thanks as always jumanji and when we come back eli will suddenly be here and that's gonna fuck you right up oh and that is a thousand hey he just walking into your apartment for my normal check-in. What are you doing with all that cereal? Oh, I just finished a thousand boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios,

and these box tops are going to save me a fortune on my online shopping. Well, but really just on your Cheerio-themed merchandise, right? Yeah, well, that's the majority of my shopping list. Okay, but why don't you just try honey? I'm trying super hard, Bay. Super hard. No, I don't mean honey as a term of endearment. I mean why don't you just try honey? No comma.

Oh, oh, sorry, Beb. I just feel like they already added the honey flavor to the cereal. Adding more would just be... No, no, you're still not with me. Why don't you just try Honey, the online shopping tool? Oh! What's Honey? You might

ask with extreme curiosity. Honey is a free browser extension that saves you money online. They support over 30,000 stores, and they're adding more every day. And when you go to the checkout screen, this little box drops down, and all you have to do is click apply coupons. Then Honey scans the internet,

finds the best promo codes and automatically applies them to your cart. And you're saying you don't have to collect any physical cardboard as part of that process. That's exactly just the other day. I ordered a bunch of stuff from my legion of cats and Honey saved me $22. If I was describing

my emotions, I'd say i felt surprised excited and something fantastical all at once wow okay well all this amazing cereal brought about similar emotions for me but honey sounds way easier i will give you that it is i'll tell you what not using honey is literally passing up free money it's's free to use. It installs in just a few seconds. Plus, it's now part of the PayPal family. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. All right, I'm sold. But I'm still going to do the cereal thing.

Okay, but you know you don't have to eat all the cereal at once, right? Yeah, but you're allowed to if you want. Yeah, no, they can't stop you. They have to let you. Last time on Bible Peace Theater. Good news! God's going to give you a son, but you can't cut his hair or eat any poop whatsoever got it yeah thank you you guys want to watch me eat a goat oh super duper no too late doing it

and the woman bore a son and called his name samson and the child grew and the lord blessed him and the spirit of the Lord began to move him at times in the camp of Dan between Zora and Eshtel. Psst! Hey! Samson! Samson! I knew your parents. If you know what I mean. Wink.

You knew them. Wait. Why are Tom and I Samson? And wait, who the fuck am i in this uh you are samson's best friend cecil yeah why are we those people i've never heard of trust me tom you were born to play samson true cecil cecil yes um i mean samson oh i met this super hot philistine girl Cecil! Cecil! Yes, um, I mean, Samson. Oh, I met this super hot Philistine girl. You gotta introduce me. Seriously?

Philistine? You don't want to marry, like, a nice Jewish girl or something? I mean, I want to do mouth stuff. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, you're going to want a Philistine girl then. Nobody roars at me. Samson. Yes, Cecil.

What was that tearing sound? Did you, did you rip that lion in the garden in half? No. Are you lying? No. I don't believe you. Cecil, Cecil. Heyaw hey samson what's up god to thank you for hooking me up with that philistine girl i brought you this is that honey uh yeah yeah where did you get honey oh i found that in the

skull of a lion yeah you you found honey in in the skull of a lion yep good old skull honey did you kill a lion i already told you no and i already told you i don't believe you hey hey samson samson samson oh hey philist. Thanks for coming to my wedding, guys. Oh, dude, open bar and fucking scale, honey. We wouldn't miss it. So good. Right? Yeah, sure, sure. So, hey, you guys want to play like a riddle game?

I love riddle games. Let's go. All right, all right. Okay, all right. I'll tell you guys a riddle, but if you get it wrong, you have to give me 30 sheets and 30 sets of clothes. Nice clothes. All right. This feels like a weird of clothes. Nice clothes. Alright. This feels

like a weird wedding act. The riddle game! Riddle game! Just let him do it. Fine, fine. Let's hear the riddle. Okay, alright, here it is. Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness.

Oh, man. Okay, that's a good one. I don't know. Okay, man. Okay. That's a good one. I don't know. Okay. I don't know what it is. This riddle isn't a very specific reference to a very specific situation

that no one else could know about at all and is in no way a riddle, is it? No. Okay, good. Hey, Samson's wife. Samson's wife, come out here. Hello. Okay, now why is Eli Samson's wife?

I have the most womanly hips. He's got you there. All right, that's true. You do. They're nice. Thank you. You guys want to watch me twerk? Very much so.

Yes. I mean, please stop asking. No, yes. I mean, yes. you you guys want to watch me twerk very much no no yes i mean please stop asking no yes i mean yes can i help you fellow philistines yeah your husband told us a riddle the other day and we he won't tell us the fucking answer so yeah so tell us the answer or we're gonna burn your house down burn your house but i don't know the answer to the riddle. Well, ask him. And also, this better not be super situational or I'm going to fucking kill you guys.

All right, got it. Oh, oh, is it a George Foreman grill? Is that the answer? It hasn't been invented yet. Ah, right. Damn it. Okay, thought I had it. Oh, honey.

What's the matter? You told everyone a riddle, but you must hate me because you didn't tell me the answer. What? You didn't even ask me about the riddle. Gaslighting! You can't just say gaslighting every time we disagree. Double gaslighting! Gonna cry for seven days!

Fine. Fine. Fine. I'll tell you the answer hey samson hey guys what's up uh we figured out your riddle that's what's up oh did you now all right let's hear it what's the answer okay is the answer what is sweeter than honey and what is stronger than a lion oh son of a bitch a bitch. Ha! Nailed it. Okay, so sorry.

Real quick, your riddle was, out of the eater comes forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. And the answer is, what is sweeter than honey, and what is stronger than a lion? Yep, yep. You guys got it.

That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. Not only is that highly situational, it's not even a riddle. Hell, it's not even an answer. Oh, whatever. You guys only guessed my riddle because you fucked my wife. We didn't do.

Wait, what? Whoa, no. Come on, admit it. Fuck my wife. That's why she told you the answer to my riddle. No, actually, we threatened your wife's life totally but we didn't okay okay i'm just saying it's not even a riddle we weren't there why would he think that would be a riddle dude dude you've been talking about this for three days i still

agree with you i've agreed with you the whole time and and that thing about fucking his wife yeah okay that was crazy but we got the riddle. Hey, guys. Here's those outfits I owe you. Why are they all covered in blood? Oh, yeah. Well, I was so mad that you guys guessed my riddle and then fucked my wife. Didn't fuck your wife?

Nope. Yeah, so I went down to Ashkelton and I just like like i killed like 30 dudes so and what happened to your wife oh yeah i gave her to my friend cecil seriously you asked me and tom to help you on this segment for this no cecil i created bible peace theater for this he made your show weird right thank you thank you he made it weird dad dad samson get out of here hey dad uh can i come fuck your daughter okay first of all i'm not your dad okay i was your father-in-law, but you gave your wife to your best man, Cecil, so no, you cannot come in and fuck her. No, honestly, it's cool.

He can have her. Cecil, don't do this. Not in front of Samson. Not now. I will have my revenge on the Philistines. Wait, what? The Philistines have nothing to do with this at all. Revenge.

Revenge. Okay. And Samson went and caught 300 foxes and took firebrands and turned tail to tail and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go into the standing corn of the Philistines and burned up both the shocks and also the standing corn of the Philistines and burned up both the shocks and also the standing corn with the vineyards and olives.

Hey, Samson? Yeah, Cecil. What was the endgame here? Uh, what end? With the foxes and the fire? Like, why not just burn down the Philistines' crops? I don't follow.

Never mind. Hey, Samson's father-in-law. And, uh, an ex-wife, I guess. Yes? What is it, fellow Philistines? Samson just burned up all our fields and crops with, like, a bunch of foxes, I think. We know. I saw that.

What was the endgame there? Like, specifically? No idea. Yeah. Well, either way, as a revenge, we're going to burn you to death. So that's happening. Wait, us? Yeah.

Wait, what do we have to do with this? Yeah, sorry. You know, vengeance and all that. Does no one in this fucking book have any idea of cause and effect? Don't worry, Papa. Cecil will save me. Nope, hard pass. I will not. Ah, beans. Revenge!

See, now that makes sense. Hi, Samson, right? Yeah, that's me. And you must be his friend, Cecil.cil yeah non-canonically yeah yeah that's okay so uh uh we're the men of judah uh so hi i don't know if you noticed but the philistines just set up camp nearby i did yes ah prepare for battle right about that. So we just went over there to see what was up and it turns out they are actually here to kill you? Something about

foxes? Oh, yeah, yeah. I, uh, well, see, I lit some boxes on fire to burn their crops because they answered my riddle and that made me divorce my wife. I'm sure that makes sense in context. It doesn't.

It doesn't make any more sense. Well, so the Philistines are sort of in charge around here. So we were thinking maybe we would, how do we put this? Tie you up and turn you in. Yeah. Yeah. Tie you up and turn you in. Revenge!

Oh, okay. But we didn't do anything yet. yet yeah that's kind of his thing just he just does that revenge great job buddy way to kill those people with the jawbone of an ass that's like 900 people you've killed now with that jawbone. You know, you could just go like right over there and pick up one of those swords and start killing people with one of those. Looks like we have some nice ones in there too, right? No?

Going to stick with the jawbone, huh? Okay, that's your thing. Go ahead. Revenge! It's not revenge, buddy. It's just venge. Go ahead. Revenge! It's not revenge, buddy. It's just venge. Just venge. And Samson judged Israel in the days of the Philistines 20 years.

Next. Uh, yes. Wise Judge Samson, my neighbor has stolen two of my sheep. I demand justice. I did not, Your Honor. I did not. Quiet, both of you. Okay, first guy, did you try killing him with the jawbone of an ass?

That's my go-to. Uh, no. Okay, well, uh, give that a try, and then get back to me. Case dismissed. What? Next. Where am I going to get a jawbone of an ass? Don't ask me.

Well, if you just exit there, we sell them right in the gift shop. Really? Yeah, gift shop. Jawbone. Made in China. And then Samson had sex with a prostitute. There's no story or anything.

Just in the Bible, it points out that samson fucked a prostitute yeah i did oh hey samson can you move this door to the top of the hill for me revenge revenge great thanks Great, thanks Lou, Lou, Lou Doing fucking Delilah fucking stuff Is my favorite fucking stuff Hey Hey, what the fuck do you want?

Hey, uh, my name is Samson I want to take you to a fast, casual dining establishment Maybe get in a fight with you so loud That the manager asks us to leave, huh? Ooh-hoo! My name's fucking Delilah. Revenge. Hey, uh, Delilah?

I didn't fucking steal anything! Uh, nope, nope, not related to that. It's weird. You just came out with that. I just wanted to see if you knew how Samson got so strong. Uh, I don't know. I think he fucking does fucking CrossFit or something. I just wanted to see if you knew how Samson got so strong. Uh, I don't know. I think he fucking does fucking CrossFit or something. I don't know.

See? CrossFit. I told you it was CrossFit. I'm pretty sure it isn't CrossFit. Well, okay. So, here's the thing. If you... Damien!

Uh, tell... Get down from the pottery shelf! What's happening? Sorry, what? What'd you say? Um, yeah. So, as I was saying, if you could tell us where Samson's strength comes from, we'll give you...

Damien! I'm not gonna tell you again! Okay. Okay. We'll give you 1100 pieces of silver... Wow. And a Cinnabon gift card. Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm in. Good, good. DAME ME ON! Wow. 1001, revenge. 1002, revenge. 1003, revenge. Babe!

Hey, what's up, babe? Babe, what the fuck makes you so fucking strong, huh? My love for you, that's what, babe. No, no, like if someone tied you up, how would they fucking do it? Oh, no, yeah, I see what you're getting at. Well, someone would just need to get seven new bow strings. I would be all tied up. Got it.

I'll be right fucking back. But, uh, hang on. Aren't we going to do rope stuff? You seem like you want to do rope stuff. Okay, so you Philistines wait here i'll fucking tie him up and you come in okay got it cool sure yep oh samson i got the fucking fucking bow strings oh i'm all tied up what are you gonna, Delilah? Philistines! Ah, gotcha. And lastly, Philistines? Where?

Fuck, fuck, go back, go back, go back, go back. Jesus, what the fuck happened? Uh, Sam said, what the fuck you said? You said you'd be all fucking tied up. I was. No, how could I, how could I tie you so you couldn't fucking get out? That's what I was fucking asking. All right, all right.

Yeah, if you wanted to tie me up so I couldn't get out, well. Oh. You need brand new ropes. Oh, like these brand new ropes. Exactly. Now, I'm all tied up. Philistines! All right, motherfucker, got you now.

Philistines, where? Mother, got you now. Philistines, where? Motherfuck! Every time. Okay. Okay, Samson, fucking listen to me. Oh, I'm listening, babe. Fucking open your fucking ears. How could I fucking tie you up so that you could not fucking escape?

Oh, alright, well, yeah, for that, you'd need to weave my hair into a loom. Okay, like this? Just like that. And then nail that loom to a wall. Wait, like this? Exactly. Philistines! Yeah, I'm not going out this time. I'm not going to rush out. I'm going to wait back here.

Philistines, where? I fucking hate this fucking book. See, this is why you hang back. Okay. For the 237th fucking time, if I shave your fucking head, you'll actually be fucking weak this time. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like, are you fucking sure? You're fucking like a normal fucking guy? Yeah, yeah, like a normal fucking guy. Okay. Hey, fucking apropos of fucking nothing, how about a nap, asshole? Oh, I love naps. Yes. Okay, fucking Philistines can come in now.

Are, are you sure we can come in? I mean, I fucking think so. I don't know. All right. All right, let's get him. Let's try this again. Yeah, okay. And the Philistines took him and put out his eyes and brought him down to Gaza.

So what do you think of that, Samson? Yeah, we tied you and poked out your eyes. Space. Yeah. I am really disappointed. You're really? You're not gonna swear or anything? Yeah, no, I mean, I'm not gonna

trust Delilah again. I mean, if that's what you're asking, I think she did me wrong in this one. Really? Wow. Okay. Okay, no revenge. I figured it would be revenge-based. Do you guys have my eyes? You save them? Hey, Steve?

Yes, Alan? About Samson. Finally got him, right? Right. So here's the thing, though. He's been in prison for a couple of days now. Right, yeah. You guys poke out his eyes?

We did. We did poke the eyes out so you know how his hair is the source of his power hair's the source of his power yep yeah well it looks like it might be growing back you know because um because it's hair so like we should probably hurry up and kill him sooner rather than later. I feel like this is building to a situation. Yeah, no, no, no. I got it. I got it. How is next Thursday? Oh, do we have an earlier slot for that? No, I would mention that if we did, Alan, we have the monkey circus this week, and I, for one, have been looking forward to that.

It's not something you can just put off. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Monkey circus. It's not something you can just put off. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Monkey circus. That does sound pretty cool. Got it. All right.

Next Thursday. Next Thursday. That'll be fine, right? I'm sure it'll be fine. Yeah. So do the monkeys do circus stuff or is it a circus with monkeys? I don't know yet. That's why I'm so excited.

Okay. me too. And they called for Samson out of the prison house, and he made them sport, and they set him between the pillars. Boo! Boo! Hey, Samson. Samson, nice hair. You look like a chia pet.

He does. Hey, way to keep your wife loyal, cuck. You didn't. You are a cuck. I do all the editing and you just fucking sit there and make jokes that you know I'm going to have to fucking cut

out of the show anyway. Would it kill you to say thank you once in a while, huh? I mean, boo Samson? Yeah, boo Samson, right? Pretty good when you committed to some kind of bit there. He asked me to say thank you. The walls! They're collapsing!

Oh, next Thursday's going to be fine. Really, right now, right now. I'm just saying, you said that. And the house fell upon the lords and upon all the people that were within so the dead which he slew in his death were more than they which he slew in his life ah revenge Before we get back in our bunkers tonight, yes, there is a little bouncing baby Bosnick out there in the world. He was born the day after last week's episode came out.

He and Mom are healthy. They're doing great. They've sent me pictures, and yes, he looks delicious. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday.

An even newer episode of our sister show, Hot Friend God, off a movie, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be a miserable piece of shit if I neglected to thank Ethan Wright for continuing to show up week after week despite having access to VR porn. I need to thank the ghost of Eli Pass for hanging out with us this afternoon. He's dead and pretty hard for the moment, but he'll be back soon.

I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for smacking down a bit more sexism again this week. Also, I want to thank Doug from the Good Better Quest podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, as well as a bit of competition in the world of D&D podcasts. If you want to give them a listen, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. But most all, of course, I want to thank this week's most scintillating Simeons, Celie, Matthew, Ashley, Keith, Liz, Evenload, Louise, Louis, Princess Buttercup, Andy, Grumpy Old Cuss, Freethinker215, and Jim. Celie, Matthew, Ashley, Keith, and Liz, who are so badass that all

the other badasses just got downgraded to neutral asses. Evenload, Louise, Louis, and Princess Buttercup were so sexy the MPA rated them grade A. And Andy, grumpy old cuss freethinker 215, and Jim,

whose IQs are so high they asked the SpaceX dragon capsule if it wanted a boost. Together, these 13 thoughtful thinkers thoroughly thought to the thought of bequeathing us money.

Not everybody's money is badass enough to be given to us, but if you think your money is up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com

slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free money's up to the challenge you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at scathingatheist.com and if you'd like to help but money is your nemesis and you will not provide it with a good home you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review telling a friend about the show and following at pia teapot on twitter legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of p P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode,

which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadeus.com. My name's fucking Delilah. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.