The Scathing Atheist - 386: PPPed Off Edition

Episode Date: July 9, 2020

In this week’s episode, the government takes a PPP all over the First Amendment, we learn that if your rat has an erection that lasts more than 4 hours it wasn't homeopathy; it was you, and Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to act as insult lube. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Tom and Cecil here: https://dissonancepod.com/ Check out the online Ark Park protest live at 1pm eastern on Saturday! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2QifYMFqfM&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR3GxdcXGc8qe177Kat1gccpazFcaolbTbMisR7nhFgmcB2FIvAyBRXTzes Check out the Bardcast here: https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/the-bardcast-its-shakespeare-you-dick-lisa-CLdvrsb3QMZ/ --- Headlines: The numbers are in: Churches got almost $10 billion in forgivable loans from taxpayers: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/07/the-u-s-government-gave-nearly-10-billion-in-forgivable-loans-to-churches/ Tony Perkins: LGBTQ People Are Ruining Independence Day By Having Rights: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/04/tony-perkins-lgbtq-people-are-ruining-independence-day-by-having-rights/ Donald Trump Proposes “National Garden” With Statue of Evangelist Billy Graham: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/04/donald-trump-proposes-national-garden-with-statue-of-evangelist-billy-graham/ Journal retracts paper on homeopathic penis enlargement in rats: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/07/science-journal-retracts-rat-penis-enlargement-paper-for-promoting-homeopathy/ Christian Host Posts Video Showing “Demons” Around Fallen Confederate Statue: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/02/christian-host-posts-video-showing-demons-around-fallen-confederate-statue/ Ken Ham Calls on “Cancel Culture” to Scrub Darwin (and Evolution) from Science: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/01/ken-ham-calls-on-cancel-culture-to-scrub-darwin-and-evolution-from-science/

Warning, the polysyllabic profanity in this episode has monosyllabic profanity wedged into it. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com and by the protective PPE for the Trump supporter on the go, the N95KKK mask, complete with protective hood, the N95KKK mask. Now will you wear it? And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Lisa Ann, co-host of the new podcast, The Bardcast. It's Shakespeare, you dick.

And this is Don, fed tech and training specialist at the same university that developed the polio vaccine. And as someone who has studied the work of one of history's preeminent primates, William Shakespeare, a suspected scathing atheist. And as someone who works for years at a time getting to know individual non-human primates, William Shakespeare, a suspected scathing atheist. And as someone who works for years at a time getting to know individual non-human primates, we can assure you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men and women. It's Thursday. It's July 9th. And it's Be Nice to Jersey Week.

I like your industrial waist. It's nice to you. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Aaron Burrs, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the government takes a PPP all over the First Amendment.

If your rat has an erection that lasts more than four hours, it wasn't homeopathy. It was you. And Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to act as insult lube. But first, the diatribe. I honestly didn't think my when I was your age stories would be about the rights we used to have. But, you know, I was naively optimistic enough to think that this country couldn't possibly elect Donald Trump its president all the way up until election night so what the fuck do I know you know look Trump is not going to have much of a legacy as unbreakable as his hold on the Republican Party seems now it'll disintegrate the instant he's out of power they'll start trying to sanitize him from the party's memory that second if not before the

overwhelming majority of his reforms are going to be rescinded virtually all of his executive orders are going to be nullified his pathetic little wall will be torn down and thrown into the rio grande if it hasn't managed to fall in there of its own accord before we can get to it you know we're going to rejoin the who will resign the paris climate accord will salvage the iran nuclear deal if we can that kind of shit can more or less be repaired but if the courts ever recover i will not live to see it odds are you won't either you will never again live in an america with as much freedom as it had when you were born and if you're one of our non-us listeners you can take some comfort in that but you'll never live in a world with as much freedom so it's not like the blankets all the way

dry for you either john roberts and his court of theocratic partisans have been given way too much credit for the few bones they've thrown to minorities right like don't get me wrong i don't want to minimize the truly historic gains the lgbtq community has won under the roberts court but the court doesn't deserve a hell of a lot of credit you know the activists that spent the last several decades educating the rest of us put the court in a position where it almost couldn't help but affirm those hard-earned rights i mean consider the recent decision that infuriated so many christians about lgbtq employment rights like this decision makes it illegal for employers to fire somebody for being gay or trans and that's awesome right that is a long overdue right but it's also a right that already existed for most americans even before that

decision most people lived in states that protected gay people from employment discrimination and the overwhelming majority of national chains and national brands had at least policies in place against it for nothing but pr purposes so yes it still matters that the SCOTUS affirms it and that the rest of the country gets it. It is still historic, but it was also culturally inevitable, and it was inevitable because of the work of activism and education. I'd have ventured to say that most Americans probably thought it already was illegal to fire somebody for being gay. And let's not lose sight of the fact that even in that

decision gorsuch planted a poison pill that all but guaranteed exemptions for religious employers at the same time they were affirming that right they were undermining it hell one might even say that that was the chief effect of this decision right but even if i'm being overly critical here and they deserve a goddamn parade for that one it is still overshadowed by virtually every other decision they've made since gore should join the fucking court the relentless effort to expand the definition of religious freedom to include things like denying the freedom of others has been and will remain the chief contribution of robert's court to american law this ridiculous hyperinflation that has made second-class citizens out of not only non-christians but any minority that christians deign to disfavor

is what this court has given us or rather what it has taken away from us right the most recent middle finger to secular government was an expansion of the ministerial exception that's the legal doctrine first codified by john roberts court in 2012 in a decision he wrote the majority opinion on that exempts churches from anti-discrimination laws when they hire ministers it's why for example a woman can't sue the catholic church for refusing to hire her for a priest position just because she's a woman but when they conjured up this bullshit exemption they declined to actually define minister right clarence thomas's dumbass argued that the court should quote defer to a religious organization's good faith understanding

end quote of course like every other group ever trusted by the government to police itself churches did not apply a rigid definition here and ultimately expanded out the definition of minister to any position they cared to discriminate in. Right. And I'd love to use that as evidence, by the way, that the SCOTUS fucked this all up in the first place. But this week they were faced with that fact. You know, the churches had obviously used this exception for positions that no reasonable person could define as minister. And they doubled right the fuck down on it. write the fuck down on it according to alito it's up to churches to quote decide for themselves free from state interference matters of church government as well as those of faith and doctrine

end quote in other words and this is not remotely hyperbolic employment laws should not apply to religious institutions that's what the fucking words he wrote meant and if you think by the way that this is somehow going to be limited to churches i should point out that the cases before the court that prompted this decision were not from fucking churches they were from religious schools and as we've learned over the last few years a goddamn theme park can be a ministry if it means they don't have to hire gay people it's time we stop talking about repairing the wall of separation. At this point, we're paying the salaries of clergy out of the public coffers.

There's a separate set of fucking laws for religious and non-religious people. There is no wall left to repair. If there ever is one again, it's going to be because we built a new one from scratch. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the rock and scissors to my paper, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to shoot? Look, paper covers rock is bullshit. Rock is fine. If anything, rock is now stronger because it's wearing paper. Oh, okay. Okay.

Rock's like a paperweight. That's like a thing. Rock covers paper as a because it's wearing paper. Okay. Okay. Rock's like a paperweight. That's like a thing. Rock covers paper as a thing. That's weird. Okay. Well, now I need a second to recover from you guys minimizing what I bring to the Rose Shambo. The whole system gets fucked up if paper doesn't compete.

And while I recover, we'll offer up a word from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. Okay. And now the stamp goes on the corner of the envelope. Which one, though? Top right. My right or yours? I'm going to look like an idiot. I'm going to look. Dude, dude, relax. Hey, hey, I heard a bunch of screaming. What's going on?

Are you trying to bathe Eli again? No, Eli and I are just working on his post office skills again. His post office skills? Yeah, you know, fixing stamps, weighing packages. It can all be a little much for him. Last time I just walked in, yelled, send this to Jerry and spiked my package on the floor.

Yes, you did. Okay. Yeah, that tracks. Why don't you just use stamps.com? What's stamps.com? You said that kind of weird. Yeah, just say the product's normally, Noah. this is a paid ad this is our job i hate you guys with stamps.com you can print postage on demand and skip those lines and crowds at the post office plus you'd actually save some money with discounts you can't even get at

the post office and as if that wasn't enough stamps.com they also offer ups services with discounts up to 62 and no ups residential surcharges wow that is good yep and right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment just go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in scathing that's stamps.com enter scathing stamps.com stay safe my friends stay safe printing postage from home no no it looks like eli's reeling back to the headlines in our lead story tonight after much hemming and hawing about the downsides of financial accountability and government the trump administration reluctantly agreed to release a partial accounting of whatever happened to those billions upon billions of dollars entrusted to

them under the coronavirus aid relief and economic securities act and it confirmed every terrible thing we assumed about the administration's stewardship of our money including the fact that they didn't give two shits if you found out how crooked their stewardship of our money has been yeah but to be fair unless you're dr evil you're gonna be way off on the numbers yeah right now this is terrifying republicans actually argued that oversight of the giant relief fund to make sure the money gets distributed responsibly would be an irresponsible waste of government money that's an argument yes exactly now we don't have all the details because these numbers were released in such a way to ensure that plenty of outright theft could still happen like seriously

only recipients who received over 150 000 in loans were listed and all we were given was a range so given how much information was made public if the administration straight up pocketed half of it we wouldn't know about that yet but even what we do know is plenty to raise eyebrows like for example find out when we get trump's tax returns yeah right right no as soon as the audit's over for example so a couple of things to already piss you off the number of businesses directly connected to members of goddamn congress and the trump administration that were approved for loans or the fact that I shit you not the Ayn Rand Institute got a six figure loan out of the deal. But the number that really leaps off the page at me is the nearly 10 billion dollars that went directly into the

pockets of clergy. OK, to be fair, America's biggest export is being wrong. We need to meet the supply. Meet supply? What? You mean... Whatever. Just circling back for a second. Did you say the Ayn Rand Institute accepted a

government bailout? Applied for a government bailout no less. Just weeping as they did it. Come on. You got to admit, this is a hard one. Oh, I bet it wasn't for them, though, because they never meant what they fucking said anyway. In all, according to estimates from American Atheists, churches received between $6.2 and 9.7 billion dollars minimum right now we don't

know because they only release rangers but keep in mind that any church that got 149 999 dollars or less isn't on the list in addition to that another 4.8 billion went to private schools predominantly christian ones and you know according to fucking Supreme Court, that's the same as a church when they want it to be. So to you, there's a bunch of those churches at 149, 999. Yeah, guaranteed. Right. Yeah, exactly. So as American atheist President Nick Fish pointed out, quote, in two months, the Trump administration has given churches and religious schools more than double the CDC's annual budget. End quote. So, you know, when it comes to coronavirus mitigation, the most expensive ticket item right now might actually be thoughts and prayers. Yeah.

And in 4th of July's news As America celebrated Independence Day This past weekend Like a loveless married couple At a silent anniversary dinner In Olive Garden There was one who Down in Whoville Who no amount of jingoism

Or participation in grand faloonery Could cheer Christian hate group leader Tony Perkins. That was a great use of vocabulary, Eli. Thank you, Noah. I came up with those by myself. I appreciate that.

What do those mean? What does grand falunery mean? It's about a big hat. Yes. So despite the fact that Tony Perkizzle should have had fireworks dancing in his eyes with love for this great nation this year, it was, for him, a little bit sad.

And that is, of course, because of gay people having rights. Yep. Here's what Tony had to say. Quote, last month, the court ruled in the case of Bostock versus Clayton County, Georgia, that the 1964 Civil Rights Act opposing discrimination based on the biological sex of an individual now must mean that discrimination based on homosexuality or transgender status necessarily entails discrimination based on sex. America has never been a perfect nation and never will be. If I have anything to say about it.

If I can change what all those words mean that I just tried to talk about. Yeah. But with all our problems, we have made tremendous progress in securing the God-given rights we too often take for granted. Wait, you don't have to secure shit you've already been given. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, here it is. Ready? But the exercise of those rights will be increasingly diminished and put in jeopardy if Congress refuses to safeguard them and instead allows the Supreme Court to rule however its justices prefer, regardless of the text of the Constitution and the law itself.

She's in other words, what good are rights without a little exclusivity? Am I right? This is crazy. They've gone way too far. Like, who can we discriminate against now? Who can we? Yep. Literally his point.

So, yeah, I think we can all agree it was pretty difficult to feel patriotic about the holiday this year. But I take comfort in this. And I hope our listeners do, too. difficult to feel patriotic about the holiday this year but i take comfort in this and i hope our listeners do too any nation that makes tony perkins sad is getting better as well at least parts of it silver lining if he's sad i guess i am happy like there's a little bit of something to be happy about yeah it's good and in statues of limitations news, Donald Trump took some time away from whatever it is he does there at the White House and wrote up an executive order last week to address the very important statue gap.

That deficit is really starting to widen between the U.S. and our rivals, especially now that accomplishments in the field of slavery are no longer being honored. Yeah, it was a big one. Trump decided to fix that. He wants us to build a national garden of real American heroes. I'm assuming G.I. Joe is there. There's no way those action figures are not involved in the planning

in a weird little schematic on his desk somewhere and now we have a group of people in the federal government paid with tax dollars figuring out the specs for a white nationalist spite garden Donald Trump okay okay I can get behind this

American heroes Asa Akira riley reed hemet meta one of the many lists the three of them appear on together yeah what i'm trying to say is hemet has a 14 inch penis he doesn't brag about it but everyone in the community does tweet at him ask him but don't tell him why don't do that please don't do that he has to tell the truth it's like being a cop yeah yeah he has to show you so you might be thinking this is vague and stupid this whole idea but don't worry it's actually not that vague trump made a few suggestions, including Antonin Scalia for the garden, a monument of Antonin Scalia's weird globular form. Not only was Scalia a Supreme Court justice who voted in favor of Bible inspired bigotry for pretty much his entire career whenever he got the chance to do that. He was also the recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

And Trump wants a bunch of those medal winners in the Spite Garden. By the way, past winners include important national heroes like Rush Limbaugh. Yeah, right, right. Dave Thomas of Wendy's. Really?

And Bill Cosby. Jesus Christ. Hey, let's not poo-poo the idea of building a statue to Dave Thomas. The man invented the Baconator, okay? Baconator came out in 2007. He died in 2002. Whatever, read a book.

Which book? My books, any of mine, discuss that. They're mostly Baconator-centric. They're mostly about burgers and the chronology, history, and Presidential Medal of Freedom winners. I mean, I have a monument. And one other Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient that Trump specifically mentioned is Billy Graham.

In case anyone missed it, he's the guy who helped the Republican Party hijack evangelical Christianity in order to get rich people four decades of tax cuts, deregulation, and regressive wealth redistribution. That's what happened. Yeah, or if you'd prefer help evangelical christianity hijack the republican party in order to get christian people government church subsidies and fucking legally protected bigotry hey yeah it was kind of a weird creepy symbiosis of disgusting nature yeah and in addition to being one of the most famous christian leaders in recent history i guess i should say in tandem with being a Christian leader like that, he was a giant bigot too.

Turns out he was super close friends with Richard Nixon and got recorded on the Nixon tapes. hanging out in the Oval Office, coming up with new slur words for Jewish people for several hours, talking about the stranglehold the Jewish people have on the media. Trump wants that guy to have a monument. I get it. It's something for the next

generation of Antifa to tip over. Huh? And in rat-spoiled-again news tonight, if your rat's dick is too small there's nothing science can do for you hey and we learned that and we learned that a couple of weeks ago when the international journal of impotence research retracted a 2013 paper that claimed to have discovered a compound that could increase both sexual behavior and penis size in rats

for promoting homeopathy the paper not the rat penises when asked why they didn't act on this sooner they reminded us that impotence is their whole thing really god is there anything more demeaning than having to retract something as the journal of All right, everyone. Come on, guys. Who's laughing? This is serious. We did science. Give me back my cards. Gotta soft pedal that study. So yeah, this isn't really a scathing atheist story,

but it's about rat dicks, so I decided to run with it anyway. It begins in 2013 when a group of researchers submitted a paper claiming that a compound called impaza was effective in treating erectile dysfunction in rats and while the paper identified impaza as quote a compound stimulating endothelial nitric acid synthase end quote there were clues that it was actually a homeopathic remedy such as the part of the methods section where they just come out and say that,

quote, produced according to homeopathic technology, end quote. It just says the word? Yeah, yeah. Fuck. And the technology in question being dilute to non-existence and then shake a magical number of times. Okay.

Does the Journal of Impotence not have a keyboard with control F on it? Yeah. Just check for homeopathy. And, I don't know, Andrew Wakefield and OJews. That's going to read out a bunch of bad stuff with almost no effort. I mean, they have it now, Heath.

Yeah, right. And finally tonight, in Hamcell Culture News. Oh, Jesus. Hamcell tonight, in ham cell culture news. Oh, Jesus. Ham cell. Yeah. Move over, Steve Shives. Step back.

Anita Sarkeesian. There's a new SJW in town. Amish Wolverine and landlocked boat owner Ken Ham, who this week called on cancel culture to cancel Charles Darwin. What? To cancel Darwin? And like, stop going to his comedy shows? Yeah, right.

What's next? Ken Ham's going to take a hit out on him? So, yeah, it's not super clear if Ken Ham knows what cancel culture is. I'm going to guess guess. He doesn't. He seems to think it goes something, something people are upset, something, something I don't have to hear about the person everyone is mad at anymore.

Cancel culture. Cancel culture. That's the whole thing. Yeah. He's just like, okay, unsubscribe from evolution. Canceled.

What? Yeah. Yeah. So with that in mind, Ham took to his show Answers News this week, pretty ironic name, to call for the canceling of Darwin with his co-host, Avery Foley, pointing out that, quote, people are all upset about these Confederate statues and things like that. But what about Charles Darwin? Because he was extremely racist,

and yet he celebrated. He's taught in public schools across the nation, in colleges across the nation. At which point the other co-host, Bodie Hodges, yells, and I do mean yells, in the text books. And then Avery continues, and yet, he was horribly racist, so why are we not upset about Darwin and wanting to cancel him? Jeez, okay, so, like, that assertion is problematic, but regardless, like, there's a big difference between putting up a memorial to a person that was racist

and putting up a memorial to racism, right, to a person whose accomplishment was racist. Ham is smart enough to know the difference, but he's also smart enough to know that the people who are listening to him are not. Yeah. So back to Ken Ham, who concluded his little rant on the radio program by saying, quote, they won't touch Darwin because he is like a God to them. Why? why well his ideas give people a supposed justification to reject god and do whatever they want with sex determine right and wrong for themselves have an abortion and so on ultimately it's a spiritual issue end quote wow look at these finch beaks. Alright, let's have some butt sex and then abort the baby. What do you think? Dude, yours is a forgiveness-based

theology, Ken. We can abort ass babies all we want and live in paradise everlasting in your worldview, provided we don't die while aborting the ass baby. Yeah. Well, as long as we're able to talk while we're dying while we're aborting the ass baby. Well, yeah, exactly.

We'd have to die instantly. Oh, I love Jesus. You can sneak it in there right exactly right so i think we all learned something pretty important today which is that confederate generals need to give everyone permission to be gay and have abortions not sure how we do that they're dead but you know maybe we could do a a deep fake of yul ccs grant or you know we make this work out for everybody is what i'm saying all right well while i unfollow darwin's twitter account in accordance with ken ham's wishes we're going to close out the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always you'll slice yes you'll see you listen and when we come back ulysses tom and cecil will be here to get the three of us in the mood to insult people.

Ah, 2019. A year when nobody could imagine a person ever unironically saying, ah, 2019. There are still glimmers of light even in a timeline as dark as ours, like being reminded what awesome people listen to this show. As full of racists and idiots as the world is, it's comforting to know that it's still also filled with people who donate over $200,000 to charity just to hear us make fun of their uncle. And joining us to insult a few uncles are two men made for that kind of job.

Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance and Citation Needed. Guys, welcome back. I don't have anything really roasty to say. I'm just happy to hang out with you and Heath. It's nice. Oh, thank you. Eli's back from paternity leave, Cecil. I know he is. I know. Oh, well, alright.

Alright, okay. Statement stands. So for our second roast of the evening... Don't do this, all right. All right. Okay. Statement stands. So for our second roast of the evening. Don't do this Cecil. Not in front of the six month old charity roast. All right. So Cecil, since you're all warmed up, we'll turn right to you.

Dan would like a rough roast for Jeff Bezos. He's like the Mr. Furley of billionaires. He always has his Amazon Alexa pressed up against your wall so he could burst into your Facebook feed just totally unannounced. Bezos has fucked more moms and pops than a summer of love pansexual.

All right. Oh, Heath, this is a great one here. Vexel would like you to roast obnoxious customers fan fucking tastic topic good job vexel great job so i was a bartender for many years so i'm going to take the angle of that type of customer hey obnoxious customer and by that i mean customer welcome to the bar let me give you a quick FAQ to help you out. Question one. You're going to ask these questions

and I'm going to answer them for you. Question one. Do you have, and I'm going to stop you right there. Here's the menu. This menu, it's kind of like a list of things we have. We don't need to go through question one. This is the answer for you. It's written down. We have it ready.

Question two from you. Does this come with, hop, going to stop you again, ibid. It comes with what it fucking says on the menu. And question three, would you be able to?

No, no, you would not be able to. Here's how this works. You name things from this fucking list and I get them for you. That's what we'd be able to. Here's how this works. You name things from this fucking list and I get them for you. That's what we'd be able to do. Also, you should probably leave now

because you're definitely getting some items that are quote off menu at this point based on this intervention. And four, and four, I have never actually looked in the back for anything. You hear me? Never. I just stand there until I feel like you're done being pissed.

And tip better. Everybody tip better. Assholes. All right, Noah, this one's for you. Lucas would like a roast of his fiancee, Sydney. Though, honestly, they are probably married by now. They could be married, divorced, and dead by now, too. True.

True. Yeah, the note even says, we're young as fuck, and I'm like, well, when you wrote that, Luke, so yeah, Sydney, oh, Sydney. Yes. Sydney looks like the stuff that the Eurythmics

sour dreams are made of. It looks like her eyes are trying to distance themselves from something that her mouth said and her nose is negotiating a settlement. It's kind of weird. Actually, I feel like such an asshole. You're lovely, Sydney.

I didn't mean it. And Eli, Holly would like a roast of HR departments. I gave you guys such easy ones and took such a hard one for myself. Are we allowed to take back roasts at the end like that, though? Are we playing with that? Ah, HR departments. The last line of defense against sexual harassment and racism in the workplace. Except they don't do any of that.

No, they just yell at you for not signing Carol's birthday card and then pretend Devon's name is hard to pronounce. HR departments, they're like the CDC in 2020. In theory, that's it. Just in theory, that's what it's like.

All right. And Tom, I've got one for you here from a Tom who would like you to roast him. You know, I usually hate having to do a roast based only on a picture because i i can't usually figure out what to say but holy fuck tom i get it man that picture web pictures a thousand words they're all adjectives

and none can be used within a thousand yards of the school again i'm usually like a little bit on the self-roast time but this time this makes sense i cannot imagine waking up in that soft shitty excuse for a body and thinking oh maybe i should pick someone else to make fun of i can't actually imagine waking up in that body at all though because the only way i'd go to sleep built like that is if that sleep were mercifully final i know i'm spending a lot of time here on that thing that you pilot unhappily through the world, but that's not because your face is some great joy to behold. It's just because every time I try to look at you, my eyes start watering. I feel like I can somehow smell you through the picture. Is that a thing? Because

you look like the idea of bad hygiene somehow got itself a driver's license. Also, man, fuck you. Stop using my name. You're using it wrong. All right. Heath, that last one was great for you. This next one is perfect for you, both because it's a big fancy word and because of what it means. Mary would like you to roast amatonormativity.

Fantastic. Yeah, this word, this word's amazing. It means the obnoxious societal pressure to desire monogamy, romance, and or marriage. And it's coined by Arizona State philosophy professor Elizabeth Brake, who I now want to marry. But not really. Because you know what I'm doing right after this? Whatever the fuck I want. Literally anything I want.

As long as it's a loan. Everyone who bought into the marriage thing, they're either secretly or openly furious about that. So they're all selling that tulip they bought at the end of the mania. It's not even that tulip they bought at the end of the mania. It's not even their tulip itself. They're selling the concept of buying a tulip in a mania

hoping to water down the mistake with bigger numbers and getting me in that number. Just be happy that my people are subsidizing your regret with more taxes. It's bullshit, but we're doing it. Be happy. I'm going to go, I don't know, satisfy all my whims without asking

anyone's permission and just doing whatever I want. Enjoy the opposite of that, everybody else. Alright, I'll enjoy human contact. We've learned a lot of things, mostly that Heath doesn't want to get his dick sucked after this. That's interesting. And my point just got proven. There it is.

Sell that tulip. sell that tulip sell that tulip i don't think you got the point of that at all maybe maybe if you can fuck the tulip i don't know you're the one with the tulip all right fuck a tulip if you want i don't have to ask anyone about that. I'll go buy a tulip. No one can say me nay. All right. So, Eli, as our current baby expert,

I guess by default... Speaking of bad decisions. Ronald would like you to roast his 19-month-old son, Rory. Though, as Tom said, Rory could now be old enough to marry Lucas who the hell knows yeah well Rory is the most jacked baby

I have ever seen Ronald are you sure DMX isn't your mailman like did you go to a concert your kid has a 12 pack dude I hate to break it to you but that discount formula you got such a great deal on, that's muscle milk, man.

Stop doing that. Also, please don't send your crazy, crazy muscular baby to beat me up because he absolutely looks like he could do it. Alright, Cecil. Quentin would like a roast for his friend Jim. He looks like if one of the Marx Brothers was Luigi.

He looks like he would have an iPad clip on his belt. And then he, like, unclips it and checks his voicemail on speaker on an iPad. I can see that. All right, so, Tom, how about a little sass for daylight saving time for Christine? Fucking thank you. Hey, you know what you can fool by changing a name? No one. Nothing.

Time doesn't change just because you use a different number when you stagger out the fucking door in the morning. door in the morning. All daylight savings time does is remind you every fucking year as it gets harder and harder to adjust to a temporary, stupid, meaningless rule that robs you of one more hour of precious sleep, that you're old and your body hurts and it's morning and it's going to be morning for hours and there's nothing you can do but grit your teeth and see that every stupid, cheerful asshole who springs out of bed gleefully laughing at those of us who would sell your children without a second thought into a cobalt mine for 15 minutes more of blessed unconsciousness. Jesus. All right. Well done.

Next up, we got around a special request. First up, we have one for Heath. Emily would like a roast for her sister, Charlotte. Okay. Well, first of all, nobody's fooled by your alias. You're not the Bronte sisters. Also, based on the picture we got, Charlotte is looking approximately Bronte

on the melanoma scale. Charlotte looks like she's in a Karen detox program. She was clearly becoming Karen and she knew it and then she moved to the Florida Keys to find herself because she read a little Hemingway. But she found Karen and then became a white lady in middle America. And Eli, Charles would like a roast for celebrity mime Brian Randone. Charles, Charles, thank you for this fucking crazy

dark universe citation needed essay I know I'm supposed to make a joke hey it looks like this let me explain the journey to this roast began

began by me watching Brian Randon's shitty crucifixion based mime show which which he talks

during what he mimes all the stations of the cross but then there's some where he's like ah fuck he just talks to a guy here hey Thomas thanks for the lift and that research journey ended with his

murder trial for killing his girlfriend. What? It's hard to roast someone when 48 hours already did such a fantastic job. But I will say this. I will say this about Brian Randone. His stations of the cross, way more convincing than his testimony in court. All right.

So, Cecil, why don't you take Erica's ex-coworker? All right, so Cecil, why don't you take Erica's ex-co-worker? She looks like she's about to ask you why you're stenciling Black Lives Matter on your own house. And then when you explain that you can do whatever you want to your own house, she asks to speak to the manager of the house. All right, and to round out these special requests special request tom we have one for you demon blow would like a roast for their ex-wife rachel oh god i i know people like rachel rachel

is the kind of person who makes everything about her not because she is selfish or myopic but because so long as everything is about her she thinks she's in control and the thing is this works she is in control when every the thing is, this works. She is in control when every person and every action is evaluated, not just by her, but eventually by everyone afraid of her shit and exclusively through her lens, her experience, her reaction. She is fully in charge. That is fucking why she does it. But this is also why Rachel will always, and I mean this always, ultimately be alone. Because Rachel's whole manipulation is based on the empathy of others, and no well is bottomless. And Rachel will burn through everyone that ever enters her orbit. And that burn and churn will happen faster and faster

as people in her life become more mature and more aware, until inevitably, Rachel is left drunkenly thumbing through old pictures, tracing a single lonely finger across the smiling faces of those people she never knew how to love and who can no longer remember her face. There should always be thunder at the end of your roast.

Okay, well smited. Alright, it's time for another Spightning Round. The category is Famous Fox. So for this Spightning Round. The category is Famous Fox. For this Spightning Round, I want you to tell me what these people should be famous for. Big thanks to

Daniel, Barbara, Phil, and Cody. We're going to start with Noel Fielding. Ah, yes. Noel Fielding and the Great British Bake Off. The Big Fat Quiz of the Year. And, of course, the Mighty Boosh. All great reasons to be famous. However, he should be famous for surviving a motorcycle crash using nothing but his hair.

All right. And Heath, what should Mark Zuckerberg be famous for? Oh, he should be famous for building a device for Cambridge Analytica to get Donald Trump elected. All right, Cecil, I got a great one for you. What should Jenny McCarthy be famous for? She should get the first honorary degree from Google University.

It comes with a stole made from anti-vaxxer teeth, too. Oh, nice. Accessorizes nicely. Alright, speaking of the devil, Tom, what should Lucian Graves of the Satanic Temple be famous for? Okay. A guy with the least evil, most evil eye.

It's because his eye is fucked up. Jesus Christ. And Noah, you're up next. This one comes from Jay. Tell us why Mr.gers should really be famous oh uh that's easy for being the 20th century's admirable christian yeah that's it that's true all right well done all around a new round same category except this time i want you to tell me why this famous fucker refuses to wear a mask thanks to kyle martin tim and donnie and

we're going to start with an easy one cecil why won't dave ramsey wear a mask well people call him up for financial advice and he responds like a comcast rep have you tried turning your paychecks on and off i mean i guess he isn't wearing a mask because he can't be gazelle intense without deep breaths. All right. All right. And Eli, why won't Rush Limbaugh wear a mask? Rush Limbaugh won't wear a mask because he has breathing problems due to lung cancer. Yeah, that is true. I know that's not really a joke.

It's such a good joke. I just want everyone to remember the good news that Rush Limbaugh has lung cancer and he can't breathe very well and that will get worse until he dies. Alright, well thanks for bringing up the mood a little bit. That's great, thanks.

Alright, Heath. Eli may have stole your answer. How about Robert Kraft? Oh, well, if Robert Kraft wears a mask, his happy ending masseuse can't spit his cum back into his mouth as usually. Like, no judgment. There's just like a genuine logistical problem for him and her or him. Oh, man. And Eli, why won't Chris Pratt wear a mask?

Oh, because his pastor told him it would kill the vibe at youth group. Also, if he wore a mask, people might not recognize him as that guy who was okay. Kinda in the thing they like. All right. Got one for you, Noah. Why won't Pete Rose wear a wear a mask oh that's easy so that people who walk by him at the mall where he's been signing autographs every day from the same chair for the last third of a century won't forget to pity him i know where that mall is

i have another one for you here cecil why won't elon musk wear a mask well look you can't prove to everyone how you're a down-to-earth billionaire and smoke a blunt with Joey Rogues with a mask on. I mean, come on. This billionaire is so down-to-earth, he started his own space program, guys. Just like you are. Push back a little bit on the

idea that you can't smoke a blunt with a mask on, but you probably shouldn't. You probably shouldn't. Okay, in the interest of science, I'll believe you. All right. They should have lit that blunt with one of his flamethrowers that he invented

because he's down to earth. I don't know how they missed that. All right. And for our final Spiting Round entry, Tom, why won't J.J. Abrams wear a mask?

J.J. Abrams won't wear a mask because after Lost, it's clear that he has no problem infecting America and then choke fucking us with our own dreams. Alright, well done, gentlemen. Back to the thick of it. This first one is a

twofer. Tiffany gave us $200 to rose her 10-year-old daughter and anti-vaxxers. So have at it. Alright, well, I'll, you know, your 10-year-old daughter looks like she's a 35-year-old unemployed artist. Sorry, that's redundant. She looks like a 35 year old artist

so she looks like Hermione lost the bet and had to wear Harry's glasses for a day and also pretend she was 40 in between careers that's alright I'll take anti-vaxxers fuck anti-vaxxers every single Karen in the bunch

fucking side parts her hair and has a big yelly sob at the local town hall meeting and then goes home and googles herself into killing her baby. Anti-vaxxers aren't just bad people. They're bad for humanity in general. Yep.

Alright, Heath, I got a good one for you. Travis would like you to roast him as he recovers from cancer. Okay. He included a photo of himself on remission day. Great. All right. Well, first of all, Travis, all cells matter.

And I know you're acutely aware of that because you look like a juggalo went through a car wash. But congrats on the remission. look like a juggalo went through a car wash but congrats on the remission uh yeah i'm sure the chemo got rid of every single they are all gone there's no chance of any of those still being alive you don't have to worry oh boy i'd be way more confident that that was funny if we had done this one more promptly do Do a little Facebook there. Okay, no, I've got one for you. Hillary gave us 50 bucks for you to roast her ex-coworker, Diane. Have at it.

Oh, Diane is so fucking horrible. All right, first of all, if Diane ever starts repeating two weeks, be on your toes. Her head is going to explode when Arnie throws it at you. Seriously, she looks like Dorothy somehow got pregnant by the scarecrow and the cowardly lion. She looks like the fucking thing that appears behind you if you say, that bitch Carol Baskin into a mirror three times.

But going after a horrible person like hers looks misses the point, because first and foremost, she's a terrible human being that doesn't deserve a single pop culture reference, let alone three generations worth. Alright, so Tom, I got a challenge for you. Sean would like a roast of Blizzard's CEO.

Yeah, fuck you. J. Allen Brack looks like putting on a suit without a shower. You know, he looks the way introvert smells is what I mean. I'm not surprised he was on the wrong side of history supporting China over Hong Kong. This guy looks like all he's ever wanted in the whole world is for some powerful force to dominate him. So no wonder he doesn't understand. And look, Brack, if that's your thing, have at it, be had at.

Whatever. I don't care. But you might have to if that's your thing, have at it, be had at. Whatever. I don't care. But you might have to poke your head out from behind a screen full of imaginary conflicts you can solve with an electronic vorpal sword once in a while to see what real courage looks like. And try, just fucking try, what it might take to have some goddamn guts. Also, fuck you, Eli, for making me look this up. Yay! That's in your brain forever

Tom knows video game stuff Tom loves Hearthstone I don't know what Hearthstone is I didn't look that part oh he knows so let's wrap up this segment with a batch of big money donations these folks went all in to do some good last November

and they have been eagerly awaiting for the pile on these subjects deserve. So everybody feel free to have Adam. First up, an anonymous donor gave us $500 to roast air officers who use the suicide awareness stand down day to do shitty things. I don't know what that means. Holy shit. These assholes are dangerous. So these are like officers who, instead of talking about like suicide and awareness, they get like fucking cold pizza and PowerPoints and did force calisthenics on

the one day a year. They were supposed to talk about suicide to the armed forces. Like what's the matter? You couldn't skip over seatbelt day in the jet fighters. This is your revenge. Look, I know whoever these fuckers are, they need to lie and tell themselves

that the boner they got during Top Gun was just about watching Goose die. But it is dangerous, people. It's dangerous. All right, Noah, you're up next. And this one is a challenge. Sawyer and Mindy want to roast their dog Stella, but they'd like it from the perspective of their cat, Izzy.

Yeah, what the fuck does that mean? What am I supposed to lick my asshole after I say this? I was going to do that anyway. All right, so maybe I do a bitchy cat voice. I don't know. But I'm sure if Izzy could roast Stella, she'd say something like, first of all, Shiba Inu is just fucking

pretentious corgi. We all know that. And secondly, that's not what eating pussy means, you dumb fuck. You know that thing they do with you and the peanut butter? That's way closer. Also, and I don't know how much more clearly I can explain this shit, it's attached to your ass!

It doesn't matter how fast you run. It will retreat just as quickly, you fucking idiot. All right, so J-Lynn would like a roast for their friend,

Steven Cecil. Have at it. Well, he's wearing a witch hat. What kind of magician would you be? Let's see, an illusionist? Because your beard looks like the fucking

Aleutian Islands, like a set of badly placed stepping stones from your mouth to your ear if it were like a floor is lava course there would be some pretty tough jumps there it's like it's like you took a razor and you randomly cut off part of it to send the rest of your beard a message yeah based on jen's letter steven's like a great guy that said steven you do look like an extra who jason statham punches at the beginning of a heist you look like a pirate whose buried treasure is an anime body pillow all right heath i got one for you al Alice would like a roast of transphobes. Oh, lovely. Okay, transphobes, bring it in. You're not allowed to listen to our show. Get the fuck out. You in history and the most overrated podcaster in history.

Plus, a bunch of hacky stand-up comedians who are, right now, masturbating into a pile of bedbugs at Motel 6. Getting ready for their big 10 minutes in fucking Overbite Missouri's Laugh Track. Fuck you.

Fun fact, all transphobes smell like fear and gun oil. Interesting. Interesting. Excellent. Okay, I got a double one here for Eli and Tom. John would like you to roast cosmic dread and existential nihilism, respectively. Fuck cosmic dread. Oh, the universe is so big and scary.

Who the fuck cares? It's not coming to your house to give you a wedgie. What lies beyond the stars? Who gives a fuck? You know what it is? It's all me. That's right. Everywhere in the gaping maw of space and time that fills you with dread, it turns

out the universe has replicated me eight billion, billion, billion times over. And it's just me reading Harry Potter back and forth trying on smaller and smaller thoughts now you have something to be terrified in a vacuum of space

okay existential nihilism is probably right but it's also lazy and useless great good job you figured out that you probably don't matter over much. Wow, you're not 12 anymore. Congratulations, deep thought. But if that's your whole fucking jam,

some epiphany that you use to justify inaction, inattention, and an ennui-filled shrug and a sigh, then you don't understand the ultimate purpose of any pursuit of truth is not to pontificate about your grand ideas and convince second-year undergrads to sleep with you, but to live a full and meaning filled life. Absent action, absent movement, absent a desire to use what you know to be better every day. Your deep thoughts only skim the surface. Your philosophy is actionless.

It's veneer all the way down. Scratch the surface. You just get more surface. And that makes you the very worst thing that you can be while squandering the one life you get to fuck up. It makes you fucking boring. Amen. I like that you specified it's sophomore undergrads. Yeah. All right. So next up, we have a request for Heath.

John would like a roast of his wife, Kim. Okay. Kim. Hi, John and Kim, by the way. We met in New York. Great time. So Kim is a living, breathing problem of evil. It's amazing. And when I say living and breathing, I mean just fucking barely. Despite Kim being a very active adopter of rescue animals and literally working as a neuroscientist at a children's hospital, here's what happened in her life over the past year.

Her brother died at age 27. She got into a car crash that almost killed her. And she got thyroid cancer that needed aggressive surgery. Twice. Jesus. That happened twice. And then she had to live in 2020. Kim, what the fuck are you hiding?

I know you're like, say nothing. And we'll assume you're in a fuck dungeon with Hillary Clinton and some kids. Got it. Wink. All right. I also have a double here. Alan donated 350 bucks for a roast of his wife and sister. Well, Aaron, his wife is awesome is awesome i mean she's a super mom

she's cool she's making the world a better place but come on aaron terrible taste in men i mean really aaron the first guy who ate your ass from the back at a grateful dead concert he looks like i mean he looks like a guy who ate your ass from the back at a Grateful Dead concert. Does the angle matter? Super clear, because I don't want her to get mad at Alan. Alan did not tell us that he ate your ass from the back of that Grateful Dead concert where you met. But you know it. I know it.

And more importantly, Aaron, your children know it. I know it. And more importantly, Aaron, your children know it. They will never ever ask you the story of how you met because they know deep, deep in their heart. One or both of you will have to utter the phrase, but then I had to pause to throw up. That's on you, Aaron. That's on you. So there was like a multiple roast here because he's asking, I would like you to roast all their husbands, me, my good friend Randy, and my sister's husband Dan.

So I'm going to do those. There's no way that those aren't all the same guy. I'm a white guy with a beard that gets confused with every other white guy with a beard. So I actually think I'm one of these guys. Or maybe I'm all three of these guys. And I just want to say that you all look like White Sox and Bears fans complaining to the beer vendor that they have to give you your change in hot dogs, oiling your beards down with Giardiniera and saying,

there's always next year when you're talking about your team and your cholesterol. Giardiniera is actually a really good beard oil. Smells good too. Alright, so Tom, I feel like this was right up your alley and a great one to close. How about a roast for Carol's dad, Rob? Alright, well, I'm sorry Carol, but

your dad Rob got a severe case of fuck you, I got mine. This happens to some guys as they get older. You see your dad's wealthy now, and instead of doing the right thing and realizing that the wealth he built was created by working within a system designed, rigged, and maintained by and for guys exactly like him,

and being fucking grateful for the lucky happenstance of the good fortune that created the preconditions for his success, he has come to believe instead that he deserves it. He's like a fish who ate all the other fish in the aquarium, laying claim to the burping treasure chest in the center as if he earned that, unable to see that the whole fucking ecosystem exists for him. He literally is a guy who cannot see his filter.

Your dad, Rob, is protective because having built success, he knows that it's tenuous, that the foundations of wealth and privilege are weak because they're illusory. Rob has cast aside his values because he's afraid of losing his good fortune, knowing it's unlikely to be recreated. He knows like we all do that success is more luck than brains or brawn, and he is deeply afraid that he won't be so lucky the next go around. And he's right, because Carol, as you pointed out, he's in his 70s now,

which means his time is over. He is the walking dead with a debit card. And in the age of COVID, you are one trip to Costco away from inheriting everything. Hey, you know, with a little luck, we are a little late to this roast. Here's hoping that's still funny, too. All right. So while Tom's words are still echoing in Rob's hollow existence, we're going to close off for the night. But there are still more insults to come.

So if we haven't gotten to yours yet, stay tuned. Here, Ando, Ron Cognizant. Thanks for your patience. Tom Cecil, appreciate your help as always. Thanks, guys. Thanks for having us. Before we put our masks back on, I want to let you know that I'm going to be taking part in an online protest on Saturday. I don't know. It sounds weird to call it that, but the tri-state freethinkers have protested Canahams Arc Park every year since it opened,

and apparently no pandemic is going to stop them. The format has changed, obviously, but that just means more people can show up. I'm going to be giving a talk along with a bunch of other prominent secular activists, including Mandisa Thomas, Aron Rock, a bunch of others. activists, including Mantisa Thomas, R&Rock, a bunch of others. So if you're looking for something to do on Saturday at 1pm Eastern time, keep an eye on at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter for links to the event or check the show notes for this episode.

Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be putting the Owens show if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for his wordcraft, Eli Bosnick for his stagecraft, Cecil for his tradecraft, and Tom for his Lovecraftian insults.

Also want to thank Lucinda for trying to make it this week. Just keep in mind she's got an immunocompromised dad to take care of through a pandemic, and that's hard enough when they fucking cooperate. Ornery motherfucker. Anyway, she'll be back soon. Also need to thank Lisa Ann Anne, and Don for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, if you need more Shakespeare than you're getting right now, you'll find a link to

the Bardcast on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Adam, Mark, Greg, Jonathan, and glorious Baxter, Stephen, Christine, Peter, Kurt, David, George, and Yorkie. Adam, Mark, Greg, and Jonathan, whose dicks are so long that most of them can still do social distancing even during a blowjob. Baxter, Stephen, Christine, and Peter, whose dicks are so long that most of them can still do social distancing even during a blowjob.

Baxter, Stephen, Christine, and Peter, whose IQs are higher than Arizona's infection count. And Kurt, David, George, and Yorgie, who have taken more people's breath away than COVID-19. Together, this dozen delightful disbelievers disheartened the dapperfers of deistic dribble this week by donating dollars. Not everybody has the dollars it takes to donate some to us. But if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the

donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. The legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robbins Chandler's social media, and our audio engineer is Merton Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used in the mission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadeus.com. Rat dicks.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.