The Scathing Atheist - 387: Concu-bye-bye-bine Edition

Episode Date: July 16, 2020

In this week’s episode, the FBI makes its slightly harder to die in Florida, the Supreme Court rules in favor of antidisestablishmentarianism because to hell with the establishment clause...it's a cool word, and Biblepiece Theater will be here so we have an excuse to hang out with Don. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear Noah on “A Better Life” here: https://www.theatheistbook.com/pages/podcast Check out Man Cave Pictures here: https://www.mancavepictures.com/ --- Headlines: The Supreme Court Gave Anti-Abortion Employers a Victory: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/10/the-supreme-court-gave-anti-abortion-employers-a-victory-but-it-may-backfire/ https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/08/us/supreme-court-birth-control-obamacare.html FBI Raids Florida’s “Bleach Church” and Arrests Those Selling the “Miracle Cure”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/08/fbi-raids-floridas-bleach-church-and-arrest-those-selling-the-miracle-cure/ Christians freak out about CNN assertion that “Jesus wasn’t perfect” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/10/conservative-christians-lash-out-after-cnn-anchor-says-jesus-was-not-perfect/ Louisiana Lawmaker Takes Chainsaw to Mask, Compares Mask Mandates to Holocaust: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/08/louisiana-lawmaker-takes-chainsaw-to-mask-compares-mask-mandates-to-holocaust/ https://www.facebook.com/287789785155313/videos/3082918205162142/?__so__=channel_tab&__rv__=all_videos_card Will Smith Irresponsibly Urges People Not To Elect “Godless” Leaders: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/09/will-smith-irresponsibly-urges-people-not-to-elect-godless-leaders/ Christian Post accuses atheists of hypocrisy over PPP loans: https://www.christianpost.com/news/secular-group-critical-of-churches-taking-ppp-loans-admits-to-also-taking-under-500k.html These Christians Ended Racism by Chanting a Line from “Lord of the Rings”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/07/these-christians-ended-racism-by-chanting-a-line-from-lord-of-the-rings/ Christian Moms Are Complaining About the One F-Bomb in the “Hamilton” Film (this is a nothing story but it might be fun to fake fight about hamilton) https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/10/christian-moms-are-complaining-about-the-one-f-bomb-in-the-hamilton-film/ Kenneth Copeland ordered COVID to stop existing again: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/08/scamvangelists-church-tells-covid-to-cease-and-desist-now-again/

Warning, it's impossible to have an honest discussion about now without plenty of explicit language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HIMSS. And by the kick-ass congregational cure for the pandemic, the coronavirus vaccine. The coronavirus vaccine, reclaiming my time. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Saving my time. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Good morning, Scathers.

This is Chris, the resurrection artist of mancavepictures.com. On my early morning walk in the ruins of the ancient Siamese capital of Utia. Over here in the Land of Smiles, everybody understands that those smiles did in fact evolve from the grimaces of filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's July 16th. And it's Guinea Pig Appreciation Day. What? Because sometimes a hamster just isn't big enough. Or squeaky enough. Yeah, I have no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Marjorie Terrell Bosnick's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the FBI makes it slightly harder to die in Florida.

The Supreme Court rules in favor of anti-disestablishmentarianism because fuck the establishment clause. That's a cool word. And Bible Peace Theater will be here, so we have an excuse to hang out with Don. But first, the diatribe. As humanists, we often talk about building a heaven on earth.

I mean, the entire philosophy is built around that concept to some degree, right? By working together and setting aside hopes of supernatural intervention, we can answer our own prayers as well as one another's. And honestly, the enterprise of proving it has been pretty successful up to this point, right? The world improves pretty quick, but it's been going for so long that it's easy for us to lose sight of just how far things have really moved. We consistently underestimate our progress, which is evidenced by the fact that we always talk about this heaven on earth that we're going to build, and we only rarely bother to talk about the one that we've

already built. Now, let me be super clear up front here. I am not claiming the present world is a paradise. That would be a damn hard claim to make in any year. But 2020 seems to be going out of its way to prove the opposite. There are a lot of problems we have to solve. And even if we managed to solve all of the ones we know about, we still wouldn't have a paradise. Even if we managed to stamp out all the racism and bigotry and sexism and hunger and want and disease and discomfort, we still wouldn't be in paradise because paradise is a relative term, even if the dictionary would suggest otherwise.

Consider this. The Quran was written in the early 7th century. Now, in this book, its author tries to define heaven. The Bible doesn't go into a hell of a lot of detail on this, but the Quran spells out a few specific ways that you're going to know when you've made it to eternal paradise. And two of the main ones mentioned repeatedly in the book are very comfortable couches and rivers of milk let's set aside for a second how gross a river

of milk would be because clearly the implication here is that like you know that that milk wouldn't go bad or have bugs and shit in it or froth up with cottage cheese along the shoreline. What Mo was going for here was unlimited supply of milk, right? But even when you give them the benefit of the doubt, that's a really shitty heaven, right? I mean, I got a lot of shitty stuff to deal with in my life, but I have a very comfortable couch and a glass of milk whenever I want one. My life is literally better than Muhammad was capable was capable of imagining and i'm just some middle class white guy on the internet from today right in the bible they talk about streets of gold or cities made of gold that are also somehow see-through and to the modern reader you look

at that you think wow that seems wildly impractical right that would be a step down it'd be pretty maybe but it'd be a step down from what we got. But you have to consider that when this was written, the streets were made of mud and camel shit. They'd have surely said streets of concrete with good drainage along the sides if they'd known enough to think of that. The green, sunny fields that so often stood in for heaven in Renaissance paintings seem pretty drab to most of us now. But when your life was spent knee-deep in muck and a front lawn was seen as a symbol of great wealth just being clean and three feet away from the nearest person probably seemed heavenly over the last few centuries heaven has needed a couple of facelifts i mean if you're listening to this podcast odds are you live in

a state of abundance that royalty could not dream of a thousand years ago. Your clothes are more comfortable. Your bed is softer. Your lights turn on and off quicker every night than a fucking army of slaves could light and snuff candles. You have endless entertainers at your beck and call, and you have as much milk as you want without even having to bend over to scoop it out of the fucking river. Again, I'm not pointing any of this out to suggest that our work is done and that we've gotten as close to paradise as we need to get. Most of the world would be pretty fired up

to have my couches and my access to milk. Even most of this country doesn't have the same access to it that my white, male, straight, cisgendered, educated ass has. Our eyes still need to rest on the future, but it helps. You know, especially when the present seems so shitty

and the future seems so far away to glance back now and again and look at all the ground we've covered they're talking about you jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight on the floor and fauna to my merry weather heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to do some good? Okay, it's very obvious I'm Meriwether. I mean, they literally go with our colors in the script, Noah. Honestly, I was just thinking of a trio, but yeah, you put in the picture and... I'll send you this picture, Tim.

It's upsetting. It's upsetting how accurate it is. It is. I'm tall and red. Great. And I'm the old one, yes yeah and i'm the old one yes and i'm the fat one that's what my dna code says tall red done thgc fuck you all right in our lead story tonight in lame duck a la range news donald trump is clearly worried that the clock might be almost

out of time on his stolen presidency. So we've seen the administration trying to finish their bigot homework the night before and take away civil rights from marginalized groups to protect the rights of evangelical Christians to take away civil rights from

marginalized groups, that right that they need to have. And now the Supreme Court seems to be doing the same thing, even though they don't have terms that run out more, you know, just for funsies and to put their official stamp on Trump's bigot rules while he's still around, as if that particularly matters. The latest example is their ruling from last week that upheld the trump administration's policy of giving employers an exemption to the affordable care act allowing them to deny birth control coverage in their health plans if they have a magical religious objection to that yeah yeah and strangely enough scotus is good working on the honor system for that you know all right so let's be perfectly clear about this birth control is a

medical treatment prescribed by doctors of doctoring science that's what they do and yet somehow the court decided that people who believe in ghosts are allowed to interfere with that yep yep according to this ruling your dude bro boss with an mba from fucking liberty university after his semester unit on ovary stuff during the mba program he gets to pick and choose which types of medical care are part of your insurance wow in a related story every major corporation in the country just started their conversion to amish jehovah's witness christian scientists and yes they sincerely believe that god is against all the medicine or i don't know maybe they just convert to islam where all gambling is forbidden by god and therefore

providing any insurance for anything would be a violation of their religious belief oh that's what i wondered why dairy queen Queen put out the Oh Jews blizzard. But that makes sense now. Yeah. Yeah. No, they had to rush it to market before Kellogg's took the name. All right.

So the John Roberts Court, as many of you are aware, is known for its pattern of eroding the wall of separation over the last 15 years and injecting elements of theocracy into American law. Yep. And it usually happens along party lines justices chosen by republican presidents vote for theocracy

and those chosen by democrats are correct but not every time as we learned for example from trinity lutheran and this latest decision from last week was a 7-2 ruling. Jesus. The five conservatives were joined by Stephen Breyer and Elena Kagan, which is terrifying. And further confirmation that an aversion to logic and science-based legal principles is one of the only nonpartisan issues that America's top legal minds can cross the aisle and agree on once in a while. Yeah, right?

Yeah. What the fuck is happening? It's almost like, hear me out, people your grandparents age shouldn't interpret the law for an entire country. It is almost like that. Okay, Eli and he's ageist bullshit is their own and does not represent the belief of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC, or its affiliates, especially

since the oldest justice is also the only one that seems to get it right every fucking time. That is true. Yeah, that's a good point. Anomaly. But she's Jewish. Good point.

Yes. More Jewish people. Also, just one other quick point on this. Every employee in the country, as part of their compensation plan for their job receives a certain amount of um dollars they get dollars using that money they can buy extra birth control and go on a fucking bender of birth control if they want they could buy a giant golden idol of a calf and wedding gifts for miscegenated couples and objects with a good deal of height to create a high place if they want to write the Bible's face. Does that mean that employers can object to the currency based portion of a paycheck from now on?

I'm pretty sure Elena Kagan's concurring opinion kind of wriggled her out of implying that outright. But the majority decision didn't seem to even be aware of that obvious absurdity. Fucking insane. No. And in clean sweep news, it's bad news for Florida residents looking to kill themselves more quickly than just by living in Florida this

week as the FBI finally raided Genesis 2 Church of Health and Healing, who've been selling their miracle mineral solution, bleach, as a magical cure-all, despite the government telling them not to, with sugar on top. Yeah, maybe go bleach on top.

I don't know. FBI walks in, catches them with the bleach. Okay, now we're going to stand right here while you guys drink the whole bag. Right? No, but look, honestly, at this point, if you survive long enough to drink your bleach in Florida, you're doing alright. Yeah.

Regular listeners may remember this group for the $150,000 fine their Australian chapter incurred earlier in the year for selling bleach as medicine, or when their leader, Mark Brennan, publicly admitted they're not really a church, but that being a church is a really good front for selling bleach as medicine. Or when the FDA issued a warning against using the products

because they were deemed life-threatening because bleach is not medicine. It's incredible how many safeguards we have to place between people's intestines and industrial bleach isn't it yeah and that apparently we need more we don't have enough yet we didn't one too few well as i said good news because the fbi finally raided their headquarters this past week and confiscated 22 gallons of miracle mineral solution, 8,300 pounds of sodium chloride, and 50 gallons of muriatic acid. That's a meth lab. They rated a meth lab.

Mm-hmm. The company must also take down their websites and inform all their customers that they were... Selling bleach as medicine? Yeah, they were selling bleach as medicine. I don't know why I was going to read the quote. Last but not least, Grennan and his sons have also been charged with conspiracy to defraud,

conspiracy to violate the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, and criminal contempt. Nice, nice. One church that sells dangerous lies down. 383,999 to go in this country alone all right yeah and in perfection correction erection news tonight they mentioned jesus on cnn last week anna what are the guys talking about it's the newest the greatest christian freak out that's right in an ill-advised aside as don lemon tossed things over to chris how can we even pretend it's a meritocracy

if me and my brother exist? Cuomo, Lemon is trying to point out that you have to admit the bad along with the good when it comes to national heroes. And as if to prove that racist motivations aside, Trump was right about him being a dumbass, Lemon says, quote, Jesus Christ, if that's who you believe in,

Jesus Christ was not perfect when he was here on the earth. So why are we deifying the founders of this country, many of whom own slaves? End quote. Okay, well, now we're just pulling down statues of the false idols. You're welcome, Christianity. Right, yeah, exactly. Sorry, Jesus Christ, if that's who I believe in? Yes.

Like he was perfect if I don't believe in him or I have an option to think he never existed. What position is Don Lemon lending me here? No fucking clue. If then is tricky. It's tricky. Now, I will give Lemon enough credit to admit that it's actually a good point,

but holy fuck, how did he not know that was going to stir up a shitstorm, right? I hope he did. Because as hard as it is to argue that a guy who murdered a fig tree in a temper tantrum is perfection, arguing that is Christianity's whole fucking thing. Yep. Right? Like Mike Huckabee called his comments blasphemy and Trump fluffer Robert Jeffress said his remarks, quote,

make him and his network the uncontested champion of fake news, end quote. MSNBC just starts chanting, kumite. Fuck you. We're in on this. Of course, this isn't the only time Christians freak the fuck out over CNN's primetime anchor's harmless remarks in the last

couple of weeks either. They also lost their shit when Chris Cuomo had the audacity to suggest that if people helped out one another, they quote don't need help from above, end quote. It's also not the last time they freaked the fuck out over the remarks of news anchors in the next couple of weeks as virtually all verifiable facts directly or

indirectly disprove their religion. They're just sitting at home yelling at the weather report, mostly cloudy unless the stars fall to earth, you liberal cuck. Yeah, right. Yes. Unless. And next up in headlines, Louisiana is canceled.

Really? Now, New Orleans is great. There's a whole bunch of great food, great music, great culture. But there's also GOP State representative danny mccormick in louisiana so first of all the people of louisiana district one elected a grown man who goes by danny presumably ran his campaign out of a tree house in which no girls are allowed and according to danny the mask mandate that was recently put in place in Shreveport is very

similar to a certain historical event. Eli, you want to give me a countdown? Yeah, absolutely. Here we go. Three. It's just like a political movement in Europe called the Holocaust and Godwin. The Holocaust. It's like the Holocaust.

Ah, damn it. I had i had slavery no i owe you 20 bucks i told you it's still a sore subject for them they don't like bringing that one up all right so here's a quick background on danny max just in case louisiana republican didn't tip you off about what he's doing his campaign site which, which again is, I'm pretty sure, a physical message board in his treehouse, is heavily focused on enlisting a prayer team. And since he won his election last year against a Democrat in the swamps of Louisiana, that prayer must be working. So he's sticking with that plan. And his main goal seems to be preventing the LGBTQ agenda from, quote, threatening the First Amendment freedoms of speech, expression and religious exercise. Now, I've no doubt that his constituents have trouble with their speech, but I don't think he's focused on the right cause of that problem.

Yeah, I'm going to guess his constituents have trouble with exercise, too. Yeah, right. Very likely. Yeah, I'm going to guess his constituents have trouble with exercise, too. Yeah, right. Very likely. And of course, he's also pro-life, except not for the people you kill by refusing to wear a mask in public. Right.

He's more concerned with the Holocaust of mask slavery. So he made a Facebook video to explain and his very serious political message from a grown-up starts with him holding a blowtorch and burning a mask okay all right grown-up has an asterisk next to it if it's a guy called danny though you're danny shut the fuck up you don't get to do anything so according to danny quote people who don't wear masks will soon be painted as the enemy just as they did to the jews in nazi germany if the government has the power to force you to wear a mask they can force you to stick a needle in your arm against your will they can put a micro chip in you they can even make you take the mark of the beast jesus after all it's for the greater good end exact quote credit where credit's due nice foreshadowing on the anti-esus after all it's for the greater good end exact quote credit for credits

too nice foreshadowing on the anti-vaccine stuff he's gonna say in january yeah right yeah exactly probably already said but here's the most terrifying part of that statement right he's the government that's him thank you he is right i would love for him to demonstrate an intuitive understanding of the difference between mandating fucking safety equipment and low jacking his constituents. Although I do think maybe they should low jack

the constituents in that particular area. I'd like to know where they are at all times. Anybody who votes for Danny. You know, we microchip dogs. You know what? I want plastic cones around all their faces. For safety. Absolutely.

Really big ones. Six feet. Yeah. And just in case the visual aid of the blowtorch wasn't making the message clear, the elected politician named Danny proceeds to take out a chainsaw at that point and attack a surgical mask with a chainsaw, which is amazing for a couple of reasons. First of all, it clearly took him so many tries to pull start the chainsaw. So we get a really awkward like Windows movie maker star wipe cut to get the one good one.

But yeah, he finally got the chainsaw going. They used that cut. And then he tries to dramatically cut through a surgical mask. With a chainsaw. With a chainsaw, which doesn't really work. It goes as good as you would expect it to.

I can't imagine what the victory in his head looked like. What did the success image in his head looked like. Because he just hung a mask from some fishing line. So in the video, it looks like he's just got a floating mask next to him magically. And as soon as the chainsaw gets near that mask, it kind of blows away a little. It does. He obviously can't get the impactful slice through his picture in his stupid fucking face. So they just cut away.

And at the end of the video, he like almost touches a mask with a chainsaw. You know that there's an extended cut somewhere where it wraps around his neck at one point. It got me. It got me. Take away my chainsaw. Stand my ground. See, I told you they're dangerous. Carbon dioxide. take away my chainsaw sand my ground see I told you they're dangerous carbon dioxide

and in fresh wince of Bel Air news actor musician and a guy who both totally let August Alsina plow his wife and was in the movie

After Earth on purpose Will Smith took to the internet last week to tell everyone quote do not elect people that don't have God and love in their hearts. Okay.

I mean, you got to do a lot of cardio to work that stuff out. System. Yes. During an interview with CNN political commentator Angela Rye on her show On One, Smith, a voluntary participant in the movie Wild Wild West. Instead of taking the role of Neo in the Matrix That man was asked about today's political climate

and responded in part, quote The problem is in the hearts and minds of people So it demands that our attention begin on our hearts and minds as a country I would hope that a part of what we're learning right now. Sorry, that sentence is too much for me.

I would hope that part of what we're learning right now is the destructive aspect of loveless, godless leadership. Do not elect people that don't have God and love in their hearts. End quote. Not adding August Alsina, who looks like someone prepared peediddy as a fancy dessert, totally fucked the hell out of my wife.

August Alsina looks like a hot air balloon pirate, and it's amazing. I love the idea, though, that the chief lesson that we should take away from watching the most religious people in the country run things for a while is how bad it is for non-religious people to run the fucking country. Yeah. Side note, just because I don't want anybody to be hurt.

There's nothing against letting other people fuck your wife. Letting other people fuck your wife downright neighborly. It's letting August Alsina fuck your wife that I'm going to judge Will Smith for. That's what I'm judging. Neck tattoo. Somebody went through this story for a while. Somebody had to say front of neck throat tattoo, which he has also just small thing.

Well, kind of big thing. I feel like letting isn't the right verbiage. Your wife can do what she wants. Encouraging? Rooting for? Okay. Bandying wants. Rooting, encouraging, rooting for, bandying about. Rooting for is good.

Now, to Smith's credit, he later clarified in an Instagram comment, quote, just to clarify, I'm not talking about church or religion, end quote.

When you talk about God? Yeah, but that's a little bit little too late, right? I mean, depending on how you ask, almost a third of Americans have none God in their hearts. Though, as Hemant Mehta pointed out, one of the best responses came from Mandisa Thomas of the black non-believers who commented, quote, if love and compassion is what

you're referring to, then no belief in God is required. Please stop stigmatizing non-believers with statements like this. You've already expanded your worldview when it came to your marriage. like this you've already expanded your worldview when it came to your marriage do the same here not adding by which i mean you let that bar mitzvah dj who raps like an anti-smoking commercial take your wife to hometown yes and and honestly fuck his non-pology bullshit right this would be the equivalent of him saying hey i wasn't talking talking about the Jewish religion when I said Jew him down a few bucks. What are you guys so pissed about? That's what Will Smith did in response to the fucking controversy.

Yeah. And while Eli and Heath get a few more August Alsina insults out of their system, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, HIMS. Snuff daddy! 4himns.com is all about men's wellness. 66% of men start to lose their hair

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See website for full details and important safety information. And in the platform nine and three quarters news. Fantastic. Don't let JK Rowling talk on your platform just a good policy right now really always um but the story now it's it's actually not about that it's about bethel church in redding california oh i love these guys which is home to a seminary known as

christian hogwarts and that nickname comes from the strategy of their evangelism, which is almost entirely based on whatever DVD they watched most recently in the DVD player that they own there. And that's why they recently held a service during which they canceled racism. What? Like all of it. By harnessing the power of gandalf what they chanted you shall not pass so you know the uh the racism is not gonna it's not gonna be passing well if it passed

wouldn't it be elsewhere now that would be seems like there's a lot of trouble with their theory here oh if sitting backwards on a chair so you can rap at kids about jesus was a school it would be bethel church seminary yep yes it would and by the way if sitting backwards on a chair so you could rap the kids about jesus was a strategy to combat racism it would be a bunch of white people misquoting a racist and then patting themselves on the back and calling it a day it's true yeah and uh here's how the gandalf spell happened back to that service they had the leaders of this church and seminary they're given a presentation about the power of apostolic decree which means talking but like really hard. And then they introduced the headliner of the whole presentation. A grown woman walks on stage wearing a Gandalf costume,

which is a tan sheet from Bed, Bath & Beyond. And she's carrying a magical staff, which is a magical staff from Bed, Bath & Beyond. They got to justify the beyond bit somehow. She starts describing the movie scene with the Balrog fire demon on the bridge in complete exhaustive detail. That entire scene.

It was like Patton Oswalt doing it. It was so good. And that includes the two times that Gandalf bangs the staff on the ground and it doesn't work, which is actually not what happens in the movie. But according to this woman, Gandalf finally bangs the staff a third time, apostolically, and yells, you shall not pass.

Also, he yelled that apostolically this time. He said something similar earlier. The other times were just normal decrees. This was apostolic. similar earlier. The other times were just normal decrees. This was apostolic. And then she makes everyone on stage hold the staff with her awkwardly

and reenact the whole thing. And everyone's like, yeah, okay, you shall not pass. Great. Okay. And that's why we don't have racism anymore. Is that what happened to the racism?

Weird. She casually takes off the Gandalf costume. Okay, that's racism done. Lunch, everybody. Dairy queen. I want to try that new Jew blizzard. Right? And just one other quick side note. In the movie, right after the big you shall not pass moment, the bridge they're on collapses.

The Balrog starts falling into a chasm and it pulls Gandalf down with him with a fire whip. And they end up in a magical battle that concludes with Gandalf getting killed eventually. But not really. Sort of. He gets brought back to life and officially transitions from Gandalf the gray to Gandalf the white. Because J.R.R. Tolkien was a big fat white supremacist. And that is how you defeat racism. With a ball rock.

Exactly. Okay, I got it. Or by throwing old white guys into chasms. A lot of options from Lord of the Rings that you could go. There we go. And in familton news a viral wave has struck our nation touching almost every household it's all you hear about in the news it's all you read about on social media i'm talking of course about hamilton fever gentlemen okay thoughts on

the hip-hop historical phenomenon well if you enjoy virtue signaling your hip-hop cred by praising a musical about the guy who created our whites-only banking system, you will love Hamilton. We just thought that the rhymes were really clever and like the flashback stuff. I did like their dudely deuce. They did good dudely deuce.

Lin-Manuel is fucking talented, no question. I haven't even seen it. I'd like their dude. They did good. Lin-Manuel is fucking talented. No question. But I haven't even seen it. I'd like whatever. Okay. Well, I like virtue signaling my hip hop. The guy created our whites only bank. Well,

sadly, it turns out that not everyone is as big a fan as we are. Namely the just under 5,000 moms that make up the group. 1 million moms who are furious that one F bomb was left. namely the just under 5,000 moms that make up the group One Million Moms, who are furious that one F-bomb was left in the recording available on Disney+. Yeah, the word fucking Hamilton is the big ethical problem with the Disney Corporation. That's the one. Let's watch Dumbo and those adorable crows.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Yes, the care onslaught that is One Million Moms, who listeners may remember for their multiple times, thank you, the multiple times they've freaked out over gay Disney characters, took to the internet to write Disney CEO Bob Chappick a strongly worded petition,

which, as of this writing, has 19,239 signers a number which fun fact is also lower than 1 million it is it is yeah well you know it's an online petition which as we are all aware are notorious for ensuring that each name represents a unique human being so god when 1 million moms are allowed to, they still can't crack 20,000. Not quite. So here's what some number of moms had to say. Quote, Disney's decision to allow even one F word to be heard on its Disney Plus platform, a platform that bears Walt Disney's name and that is marketed directly and primarily to millions of families with children is shameful. Really? You're going to invoke Walt Disney's name here?

Walt Disney's name. That beacon of human kindness. Interesting. Not funnel money to the Nazis. Disney needs to highly reconsider the language it includes in its movies. Shame on Disney Plus for allowing even one F-bomb, along with other multiple uses of profanity, to remain in the film Hamilton. It's just too much and totally unnecessary on a streaming service for family and children. Disney has left conservative and Christian families no other choice but to avoid Hamilton since foul language goes against

our beliefs and values. Our culture requires us to cancel. Fuck. Okay, hold on. I'm gonna write myself a Harper's Letter? I'm really confused what do I do here which side are we on

not adding love the four moms who bitched at you about putting a sorry about the racism message before songs of the fucking cell Jesus Christ and finally tonight in I think I can news fantastic

kind of Kenneth Copeland ordered coronavirus to cease and desist all pandemic activities in the name of Jesus for realsies this time. We're time to charm. Yeah, this is just the latest in a long line of magical eradication he's declared over the last several months. And much like a person who never says anything to their dog but sit, eventually this is going to work.

Yeah. And a few of his parishioners are playing dead too. Maybe he is magical. Alright, so you'll recall his first effort just out of its sheer creepiness. This is in the second week of March this year. It took the form of him

telling his viewers he could heal them through their TVs if they touched the screen while he held up his oily hands and recited his Jesus words? Yeah, I mean, in fairness, normally a finger-painting goblin does have some magical powers, right? I get why he thought that would work. That's a known thing. Right? Yeah.

And of course, this came immediately before he reminded viewers that losing their job due to quarantine is no excuse to stop sending him money, even if 10% of their income is zero at this point. Noah, a tube full of 50% demons is still a tube full of demons. That's right. Exactly. Exactly. Of course, not all Americans touched the screen with his oily hands on it. So a couple of weeks later, he declared COVID-19 to be, quote, finished and said that a vaccine

would be available forthwith. About a week after that, he became the darling of my Twitter mentions when he once again magically eradicated the virus, this time by spitting on it. Since then, he also declared it was over again, told his viewers they could cure it with their faith, and showed off his invisible COVID shield on video. And then,

as if counting on his entire congregation to be Alzheimer's patients and people with the fucking memento guy disease, he prayed it away again this past Sunday, demanding that it, quote, get out of their city in the name of Jesus, end quote. So as of today, there is either a Christian God or COVID-19 cases in the Dallas Fort Worth area. It can't be both. And while we double check which it is, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Neck tattoo. When we come back. I'm touching it. I shouldn't touch it. It's getting bad. Neck tattoo. And when we come back, the talking will start up again. When we last left off on the Bible before Eli's baby was born,

we were at the part that didn't matter because there's no connective tissue to any of this goddamn book, and thus you can jump in anywhere and context or no, none of it will make any fucking sense. So with that refresher, we're going to dive back into another installment of Bible Peace Theater. Bible Peace Theater. And there was a man of Mount Ephraim whose name was Micah. Adelie, hello. Who was saved from the days of Moses when the Jews filled in their bricks with the blood of their children. His mother was Delilah who had survived the destruction of Samson and now lived on Mount Ephraim with the money given to her by the Philistines.

Eli, what the fuck is all of this? None of that stuff is in the Bible. No, it's not. But it is in the rabbinical commentary. Absolutely not. No, Eli, we are not adding rabbinical commentary to Bible Peace Theater. No. But there's angels and there's baby blood and there's a

fire-breathing prostitute in the commentary. I know, but it's also hundreds of pages of nonsense in addition to hundreds of pages of nonsense. Absolutely not. Okay, but what if we run out of Bible? Dude, at this rate, we're going to finish Bible Peace Theater on your 40th birthday.

Oh. Yeah. So never. Correct. Never. And there was a man of Mount Ephraim whose name was Micah. Howdy ho. And that's all we know about him because the Bible is crazy enough without 3,000

years worth of Eli's citation needed essays piled on top of it. Mumble grumble old lady lady, mumble, mumble. Well, how you doing, Mom? Oh, hello, Micah. So, um, Mother,

uh, do you, um, do you remember that, uh, little 1,100 pieces of silver that were, uh, stolen from you? Oh, do I ever. If I ever catch the motherfucker who tricked up my loot, I'll skin him alive.

Oh, oh, you will? Oh, darn tootin', I'm gonna put a spike in their dick hole and kick them in the stomach to play darts. Oh, sweet Jesus. I'm gonna grab either side of their butt cheeks and turn them inside out like a fucking cuttlefish. You watch me. Mother, mother, it was me.

I did it. Oh, it was? Yeah, I'm gosh darn sorry. Here you go. Oh, Micah, I forgive you. Now, let's say we take some of this money and make a statue and a plate about how great God is. Say we take some of this money and make a statue and a plate about how great God is. You're not going to, you know, do that thing about putting a spike in my dick hole?

Oh, don't be silly. Everyone makes mistakes. And so it was with Jewish mothers forever after. What did you say? Nothing, nothing, nothing. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing Levite stuff. Levite stuff is my favorite stuff. Well, a Levite. Halle ho, Levatino. Oh, hey there. Um, just quick thing. How'd you know I was a Levite? Because you got none of that hair on top. You got chrome on your dome. Cool, cool. Great talk. Oh, wait, don't, don't go. Do you want to maybe come in my house and live there and be my priest?

I'll pay you, and you'll be just like my son. Okay, wait. Which is it? Are you going to pay me, or will I be just like your son? Yes. All right, fuck it. I'm in. For all those of you who are wondering, this is my son, Levi. We share no blood, but gosh darn it, if he isn't my life. He came from Bethlehem, Judah, legally, of course, six years ago, and he lives with me in Ephraim. And I am so proud of him.

Ephraim, and I am so proud of him. Gosh darn diddly darn proud of him. Raising him has been the best, most rewarding thing I've done in my life. What are you doing? Yeah. Do you remember Matt Gates with his weird son assistant-y? Oh, God, yeah, I forgot about that. Wow.

Yeah, okay. 2020, man. Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot about that. Wow, yeah, okay. 2020, man. Oh, yeah, 2020. And the children of Dan sent of their family five men from their coasts, men of valor from Zora and from Eshtael, to spy out the land and to search it. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing priest stuff. Priest stuff is my favorite stuff. Oh, hey, Levi. Oh priest stuff. Priest stuff is my favorite stuff. Uh, hey, Levite.

Oh, hello. Because you're bald. I didn't actually ask how you would know that I was bald. Hey, what are you doing here in Ephraim? Oh, I'm the priest here. Yeah, how's that? Oh, it's pretty sweet. I've got a silver statue and a vest thing.

They're pretty cool. Oh, a silver statue and a vest thing. I'm going to steal those. Okay. You what? Nothing. Nothing. Hey, does God have any advice on where we should go?

Oh, God is going to lead you wherever you go. Great, thanks. Sure, rob you later. What? I said we'll see you later. Did you? Then the five men departed and came to Lysh and saw the people that were therein, how they dwelt careless after the manner of the Sidonians, quiet and secure,

and there was no magistrate of the land that might put them to shame in anything, and they were far from the Zidonians and had no business with any man. What? What did he just say? He said that their land is nice and we can attack them. Oh, okay.

Hail King of the Danites! King of the Danites! of the Danites That's him So tell me what did you find Um there's this land called Laish I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Laish Right that one and we can kill them

And take their stuff Oh that sounds good Right but there's more There's a guy Micah who lives nearby And he's got a statue and a vest, and we can take it on the way. Ooh, awesome, awesome. Ooh, and tell him about the Levite.

Yeah, he's got a Levite, too. Ooh, we can take that, too. Take that, too. That's what I was saying. Okay, back it up. That's great, that's great. Lift your side. Don't ding that. It's real sober, okay?

Hey, guys. What you doing there? Oh, hey, Levite. We were just stealing Micah's stuff. What? Why? Because we wanted it. Yeah, we want it.

Plus, you should come be our priest. Way better. Hey. Oh, hey, Micah. What are you fellas doing? I mean, what's it look like? We're stealing your stuff. And your Levite. What? Oh, no, please don't do that.

I wouldn't try to stop us. Yeah, then we'd have to kill you. Well, gosh, come on. Yeah, then we'd have to kill you. Well, gosh. Come on. Darn it. Wait, is that the end of the story? Yes, it is. Could have used your month to read ahead.

Yeah, super relaxing month. Thank you. Had a ton of time to read. So wait, they just take Micah's stuff and that's the end? Yeah, pretty much. Man, this book is bad. Can I have a month off for not having a kid? For like five weeks, actually?

Jeez. And it came to pass in those days when there were no kings in Israel that there was a certain Levite sojourning on the side of Mount Ephraim who took to him a concubine out of Bethlehem Judah. You suck. I want to go back home to my dad's house. Wow, whore much?

What? I'm going to put in the book that you were a whore. Fucking whore. Because I went to my dad's house? Yes. God, I hate this book. Well, if it isn't my son-in-law, the Levite. What can I do for you?

Yeah, is my concubine in there? Uh, yeah, she is. It's her mother's birthday, you see, and we were all just gathering. Okay, well, I need her back. Tell her to stop being such a big old whore and come back and be my concubine. Having cake? Tell you what, why don't you stay and party with us for a couple of days, huh? And then you can take my daughter back as your concubine.

Fine, but you owe me. Well, Dad, that was an awesome five days of drinking and eating, but I really should get going with your daughter. Oh, so soon? You sure you don't want to stay for a while longer? No, I'm going to hit the road. Well, where are you headed with my daughter? I don't know.

We'll figure it out. Great, you'll figure it out. Every father's dream. Wait, what? I said more wine? Yeah, sure, why not? Man, husband, we've been walking forever. Are you sure you don't want to stop and jeb for the night? What?

No. Those guys are strangers. We're going to Gibeah. Trust me. This book is nothing if not repetitive. When we get there, there will be a kindly old man who's going to take us in and feed us. If you say so. Okay, well, we're here in Gibeah.

Can we find a place to sleep now? No need. We just stand here in the street and wait. Wait for what? The kindly old man I was telling you about. Trust me. Wait for it. Excuse me.

See? You wouldn't happen to be from Ephraim, would you? We would happen to be from Ephraim. Okay, well, don't stand there in the street. You want to come stay at my house? We would love to. Thank you. Si, told you.

All right, all right, whatever. Now, as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about and beat at the door and spake to the masters of the house. Um, yes? Hello? Hello there. Are you a good person? Eli, what are you doing? What? They're the men of Gibbity. No, no.

They're the men of Gibbia. Also, pretty sure you did this joke. Okay, look. We are about 40 seconds and three sentences from gang raping someone to death in this story. So I ask you, do you want to do it straight voices? Do you want to do it as a bunch of Ray Comforts? A bunch of Ray Comforts? Bunch of Ray Comforts. I thought so.

Anyway, give us your guess so we can have sex with him. Ooh. What the fuck? You said you knew the book. Well, no, to be fair, this is still repetitive, though. Okay, well, what the hell do we do now? Um, will you accept my virgin daughter instead?

Nah, no thank you. Uh, how about his daughter and my concubine? What? What the hell are you doing? Again, I appreciate it, but gonna have to pass. Really looking for you, mate. Really, that's the goal. Well, uh,

concubine final offer. I fucking hate you! Gibbity, Gibbity, Gibbity, Gibbity, Gibbity. And so the men of Gibbia did know her and abuse her all night long until she was dead. Which is super not funny and impossible to write a sketch about.

So instead, just picture a bunch of Ray Comfort's gangbanging Don Ford. Wait, what? Give me! I mean, yeah, that's pretty funny. Anyway, sorry about the attempted gang rape. Seriously, don't blame yourself, man.

That kind of stuff happens. Oh, there she is. Well, at least they returned her, right? Yeah, I guess. So, what are you going to do? I think I know exactly what she would have wanted. What's that? I'm going to cut her into 12 pieces, mail her all over Israel. Really? That's what she would have wanted? Oh, for sure, yeah. Uh, hello? Hi. I've got a package for you.

Yeah, you can just leave it. You don't need to knock. Actually, no, I need you to sign for it. Oh, okay. Right there. Mm-hmm. And there Uh huh What is it? Dear tribes of Israel

Enclosed you'll find a piece of my perfectly good Concubine that the men of Gibeah Fucked to death Please join me in warring them Best, the Levite Wow Yeah So you gonna go to war? Oh yeah for sure the Levite. Wow. Yeah. So,

you gonna go to war? Oh, yeah, for sure. You can't just fuck a guy's perfectly good concubine. Right? Live in a society. Then all the children of Israel went out

and the congregation was gathered together as one man from Dan even to Beersheba with the land of Gilead upon the Lord in Mizpah. Hi, God? God?

Oh, now they want to hear from me. Um, yes? What do you want? Okay, so someone raped our buddy's concubine to death, and we were thinking we'd go to, like, you know, war. Yeah, sounds great okay okay like it's a good idea and we'll win or i can't sure whatever you'll win joe biden will win whatever great so who should go first oh god so needy i don't know judah okay judah okay judah we'll go first you

seem kind of mad you're being weird what mad i'm not mad took you out of israel never call never right you're mad don't have any judges clearly mad and the children of Benjamin came forth out of Gibeah and destroyed down to the ground of the Israelites that day twenty and two thousand men. Wow. God, that did not go well. Are you sure we're supposed to be fighting these people? This is going terribly. Oh, no, totally. Yeah, you're supposed to uh it's my bad i got distracted because i was checking myself out in this mask i mean do i not look like the lone ranger yes sorry just back back to my thing are you sure we're gonna win oh totally super sure the last time we talked the media twisted my words, is what happened.

No, no, you just directly told me, is what happened. No, I didn't. Okay. And Benjamin went forth against them out of Gibeah the second day and destroyed down to the ground of the children of Israel again 18,000 men. Um, hi, God. Who are you? I'm the new guy, Phineas, son of Eleazar,

the son of Aaron. The first guy, Phil, quit. Says he's working on a book. I'm sure that'll be fine. Uh, right. So, anyway, we were wondering if we should, um, you know, go fight the Benjaminites again.

Yes, you should. But, this time, hear me out. Sneak attack. Uh, I'm sorry. Sneak attack? Yeah, like, you go, oh, we're gonna fight you, but then you run away. And then, you know, sneak attack. Yeah, like you go, oh, we're going to fight you, but then you run away.

And then, you know, sneak attack. Oh, I got it. Sneak attack. Um, quick question, and not that I'm challenging your authority, but why didn't you just tell us to sneak attack in the first place? Oh, I did. I mean, that's not what Phil's book says. What book? Never mind.

Okay, everyone, good war. You know what? Great war. Great war. Of course, now we're pretty much out of the tribe of Benjamin because we massacred all of them. Oh, man. Yeah, right, right. But no worries.

We're going to go around and just steal up some wives and daughters. You know, get those numbers back up. From where? From Jabesh Gilead. Those guys didn't show up to the big meeting this year, so, you know, fuck them. Literally. We're still going to need, like, 200 more virgins.

Weird that you would have that number off the top of your head. Well, I'll tell you what, there is a big festival up in Shiloh. We can get them from there. The women there dance and everything, so, you know, they'll be fine. So it's like Coachella? We better hope not if we want virgins.

Come on, what? It was funny. Problematics. Fucking broadsides. You can't say anything anymore. And that is Judges. So wait, sorry. All of Judges is about how bad it was not to have a king in Israel.

So it's just like a series of shitty short stories. Pretty much, yeah. You had a whole month. Okay, so what did we learn from Judges then? Well... So God gave the Jews Israel And a judge tasked with guiding it well But humans are not gods.

The people were at odds. So sit back and behold how a mad pandemonium fell. The first judge, A.M., was left-handed His people angered God and they got reprimanded By an oppressive fat lord So A.M. took his sword and shoved it so deep in his gut That it got stranded Deborah, the next judge, saw visions

Upon which the Jews made decisions. Cicera's army attacks, so she goes with Barak. They use a stake as their chief ammunition. These were the Jews tasked with judging through God's incessant flits and begrudging so quick alert CNN as we learn once again that God's a testy forgetful

curmudgeon then there's Gideon who's kind of a dick kills Midianites with trumpet-based tricks With 300 men he achieved something hard to believe As that god-awful Zack Snyder flick Jab-Jab-Though, a son of a whore Took an oath to the Almighty, he swore

That his campaign didn't fail and God let him prevail If you kill the first person who walked through his door There's a Bimleth from just south of Ephraim Who figured all Jews should obey him

So he tried to kill his brothers But the youngest one recovered And suggested his subject should slay him. These were the Jews tasked with judging through God's incessant fits and begrudging. So quick, alert CNN, as we learn once again that God's a testy, forgetful curmudgeon There once was this fella named Samson

He could fight, he was strong, he was handsome He set fire to some cops, so they called in the night's cops And on his head they placed a king's ransom. They demanded he succumb to the law, but it turned out that their plan had a flaw. Despite all their hopes, he broke through their ropes and killed a thousand men with an animal jaw. And along came this chick named Delilah,

Whose Samson had the urge to defile her. Now, unless I mistook what you should take from this book, Don't let your girlfriend be your hairstylist. These were the Jews tasked with judging, Through God's insects and fits and begrudges So quick alert, CNN, as we learn once again The testing, forget the curmudgeon Before we put the masks back on tonight, I wanted to let you know where to go. If you'd like more me in your life, I was recently interviewed by Chris Johnson on the podcast, A Better Life. We had a really interesting conversation, dove into a bunch of different topics.

If you want to check that out, you'll find a link on the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show, Hot Friend God, off of movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon

Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd fucking suck if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being tall, Eli Bosning for being short, Don Ford for being the voice of fantasy and adventure, Lucinda Lusions for doing the warning and promising that she is going to make it back soon for a twim. But holy shit, it's been a crazy couple of months, as I'm sure you've noticed.

I also want to thank Chris from Man Cave Pictures for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. You'll find a link to his website on the show notes as well. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Karen Tiago, Bo Hicality, Fur Fur Gary, and Tommen. Karen Tiago and Bo Hicality,

whose IQs are higher than I had to get to make it through the Book of Mormon, and Fur Fur Gary and Tommen, who are so sexy, a girl in Canada you've never met pretends she had sex with them. Thank you. access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at ScathingAdias.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a money-giving way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, or following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres,

Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Martin Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAadeus.com. Is it okay if I dox your dog? Sure. Okay.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.