The Scathing Atheist - 388: Two Rights Make a Wrong Edition

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

In this week’s episode, Mike Pompeo introduces his lowball offer for how many rights we ACTUALLY need, we learn about a new alternative if ChristianMingle dotcom has too many feminists for you, and Christian apologists will defend their “not thinking” turf. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Homebased here: http://www.homebasedcomic.com/ --- Headlines: Pompeo’s Christian Nationalist Agenda: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/17/secretary-of-state-unveils-christian-nationalist-agenda-in-commission-report/ Everyone’s Mocking Kayleigh McEnany’s Line About Science for the Wrong Reasons: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/16/everyones-mocking-kayleigh-mcenanys-line-about-science-for-the-wrong-reasons/ Secret White House Meetings Helped Faith Groups Snap Up Small-Business Funding: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/17/secret-white-house-meetings-helped-faith-groups-snap-up-small-business-funding/ Texas Finally Issues Face Mask Mandate, But Religious Schools Can Ignore It https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/19/texas-finally-issues-face-mask-mandate-but-religious-schools-can-ignore-it/ Liberty U. Files $10 Million Defamation Lawsuit Against the New York Times: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/16/liberty-u-files-10-million-defamation-lawsuit-against-the-new-york-times/ Limbaugh: We Must “Adapt” to COVID Like the Donner Party Did with Cannibalism: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/15/limbaugh-we-must-adapt-to-covid-like-the-donner-party-did-with-cannibalism/ Sri Lankan Author Faces Jail Time After Critics Say His Work Insulted Buddhism: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/18/sri-lankan-author-faces-jail-time-after-critics-say-his-work-insulted-buddhism/ Christian Hate-Preacher Launches Dating Website to Help Bigots Meet Bigots: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/17/christian-hate-preacher-launches-dating-website-to-help-bigots-meet-bigots/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Scott Lively: 1920s Voters Would’ve Opposed Women’s Suffrage If They Could See Us Now https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/14/lively-1920s-voters-wouldve-opposed-womens-suffrage-if-they-could-see-us-now/ Hagee: Women’s rights are the doctrine of demons: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/14/pastor-matthew-hagee-lgbtq-and-womens-rights-are-the-doctrine-of-demons/ Sudan Bans Female Genital Mutilation, the Death Penalty for Apostates, and More https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/13/sudan-bans-female-genital-mutilation-the-death-penalty-for-apostates-and-more/

Warning, we haven't gotten any less vulgar since last week. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Adam and Eve and by tactical masks. Because maybe then these insufferable fucking rednecks will wear them. Tactical masks, putting the mask in masculinity, if that's what it goddamn takes. And now, The Scathing Atheist. goddamn takes. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Paul Kijedji, the illustrator of Homebased, a webcomic about the adventures of a stay-at-home dad. You know, for most stay-at-home parents, the day often begins by navigating barefoot through a minefield of Lego, en route to a sofa that you built from unfolded laundry, where you can sit down and enjoy a breakfast of

leftover mac and cheese lovingly picked from the fibres of the living room rug. But as attractive and wondrous as this lifestyle may sound, it's important to remind oneself that we 23rd and it's gorgeous grandma day. Noah, Noah, Eli, I put my porn history into the intro again. Eli, stop putting Heath's porn history into the intro. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosley. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Thomas Edison's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Mike Pompeo introduces his lowball offer for how many rights we actually need. We learn about a new alternative if ChristianMingle.com has way too many feminists for you. And Christian apologists will defend their not-thinking turf. But first, the diribe. Right now, taxpayers are being forced to pay the salaries of ministers chosen by the federal government. It is, as near as I can tell, the most egregious violation of church-state separation in America's history. And yet, when you point it out to people, even many non-religious people's response is, what's wrong with that? They watch the Trump administration wipe their collective ass with the First Amendment and don't understand why that's a problem.

After all, if the PPP is there to protect people's paychecks, shouldn't it protect the paychecks of ministers too? They need to eat. Wouldn't it in fact be discriminatory to exclude them? And the fact that this counter argument is so widespread or that it has any acceptance whatsoever outside of Protestant Christianity is a real testament to what a great job they've done redefining the concept of religious liberty over the last couple of decades. The goal there has always been twofold, right? They want to cement the new definition, which suggests that religious liberty means the right to break laws your religion doesn't like because that affords them the ability to break the laws that they don't like. But as a bonus, they also get to get rid of that pesky old definition that gave Muslims and Jews all the same rights that they had.

Their definitional perversion has taken such deep root in our country that when you point out that forcing me to pay some pastor's salary is a violation of my religious liberty, you get baffled responses from people who don't understand how a person can even have religious liberty if they don't have religion and let's face it it's getting harder and harder to simply cite the constitution now that the body tasked with interpreting that document has agreed to deliberately misunderstand that part of it according to this supreme court it isn't even unconstitutional to do that now luckily for us the fact that our entire fucking system of government is founded on this principle isn't the only thing we have going for us in this debate. So when my recourse to the clear intent of the framers of the Constitution is blocked off, I can always point things out like discrimination. Right. If we can only save a limited number of jobs, a basic sense of fairness suggests that we save the jobs that aren't legally allowed to discriminate. I mean, set aside how fucked up it is that such a category even exists.

But if it's everybody's money we're spending, we should focus on the job where qualifications don't include things like must have a penis, must be straight, can't be pregnant out of wedlock or must agree never to believe in evolution. Of course, not everybody is motivated by limiting discrimination. And the people who take that the least seriously tend to gravitate towards the other side of this argument. So even that point isn't the silver bullet that it should be. So if you find yourself in need of an argument against churches getting PPP loans and other government subsidies, and you're dealing with one of those assholes that selectively lacks empathy when it helps them win an argument, might I suggest one that requires no

emotional stake whatsoever from a purely logical perspective churches are the least useful fucking business we could possibly invest our money in i mean consider this like most businesses exist somewhere along a supply line investing in for example a car manufacturer also necessarily invests in all the factories that make their various parts, the people who ship those parts, the dealerships who sell the cars ad infinitum. And not only that, but at the end of the day, you end up with cars. You know, they have their own economic value. They get people places. This isn't universally true of all businesses, of course.

true of all businesses, of course. There are plenty of services like lawyers and accountants that exist outside of those supply lines or more or less outside of them, but they're still serving some vital function that allows all these other businesses to operate. So an investment in virtually any business is to some degree an investment in the economy as a whole. But this is less true for churches than it is for any other fucking thing. What ancillary business would be unable to operate without churches? What supplier would have to shutter their warehouse? What final product would we have less of? I mean, to be fair, it's not like churches don't contribute at all to the economy, right?

Like, just think of all the lawyers and accountants the Catholic Church needs to pay to stand between their victims and compensation. And just by the merit of being a building that exists in space-time, they're going to require a certain amount of maintenance and upkeep. But even here they cheat the economy wherever they can. There is no other category of business more likely to fucking guilt somebody into doing their maintenance for free or at some drastically reduced rate. From an economic perspective, churches are a black fucking hole, even when you set aside the lack of taxation.

Right. If we're just measuring this by economic impact, every dollar in a collection plate would be better off in a crack house. Even if they weren't constitutionally excluded from government funding, they should be blast in line, at least based solely on logic. Of course, the religious folks and especially the leaders standing downwind from this windfall, would argue that houses of worship do serve a function, right? They'll talk all about stuff like spiritual well-being and the power of worship and other stuff equally unmeasurable and undefinable, right? They'll say they're offering guidance.

They'll wave their charitable work in your face as though there weren't secular charities that do the same thing without hiding their finances behind legal loopholes. They'll point out some of the ministers receiving money are teachers in religious schools and stuff, though they probably won't mention the fact that that distinction only exists to protect their bigotry. And just in case anybody's forgetting Econ 101, I should emphasize that it's not just that this money is being wasted on churches. It's that it's not being spent elsewhere. Look, if churches serve a function, then let their fucking parishioners support them.

I'm even willing to give their parishioners my tax money knowing they're going to spend it on church. Morally speaking, that puts me way ahead of religious employers providing contraceptive care, doesn't it? But that's where my obligation should end. If churches want to survive, let them do some damn thing worth paying for. Joining me for headlines tonight are the up, up, down, down and left, right, left, right to my B.A. star. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to cheat? Con am I? Really did not get that written. That's excellent. Yeah, exactly. Noah, I'll have you know, if I wanted to live 30 times

longer, I'd stop drinking mango nectar instead of water. Alright, well on the sad admission that Eli literally couldn't think of any edgier thing he does than drinking mango nectar, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, Adam and Eve. Sugar's silent killer. Super edgy.

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adamandeve.com Because when there is no God, consenting adults can put whatever they want, wherever they want. I'm not sure they're going to love that catchphrase. Well, they should. Should. And now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight. Mike Pompeo auditioned for his 2024 presidential bid when he unveiled the draft report of his commission on unalienable rights in Philadelphia last

week. This is the product of a commission he set up to essentially rank the rights. So they've decided to get back to the basics and decided that the main rights, the ones that really matter, are property rights and religious liberty. What? Unless

religious people don't want you to have property. Right. Yes. Or brown people want religious freedom. It's tricky. It's a tricky system. Right. But if your religion wants you to have brown people as property, we got you covered.

Wow. Did we endorse slavery again? What's happening? Every week. Put a dollar in. Put a dollar in the Bible says that jar. Yeah, right. Now, as terrifying as it is to officially subordinate some rights to others like that,

it's all the scarier when you recognize that by Pompeo's definition, neither of the two apex rights actually represent anything that you or I would recognize under the heading of human rights. Right? Like religious liberty in Pompeo's mind means not having to make a cake for gay people and as to property rights well he made his stance on that clear when he said in his speech announcing the draft report that quote no one can enjoy the pursuit of happiness if you can't own the fruits of your labor end quote right so according to the fucking secretary of state the main focus of American foreign policy

when it comes to human rights is protecting your right to discriminate against minorities and not be a communist. Except he has that backwards. It's fine. But that is a viable campaign slogan. I got to say, Pompeo 2024. That's a campaign slogan

for most of American history, and it works. Yeah, that's true. Frightening. And history and it works yeah that's true frightening and look i get that we trade in hyperbole on this show but this is every bit as bad as i'm making it sound okay when amnesty international is bashing your draft report on human rights you're doing it wrong and they called it a quote dangerous political stunt. End quote. The Center for Inquiry called it, quote, a vehicle for Christian nationalism. The FFRF went even further and dubbed it, quote, Christian nationalism in print and stamped with government authority. End quote. Yeah, I mean, it's easy to dismiss Pompeo as like a fringe loon writing memos to himself until you realize that when Hillary had his job, 40% of this country thought she could use her power

to fucking eat kids under a pizza parlor. Right. Which is obviously ridiculous. That's not foreign policy. Well, Andy Wilson is a foreigner, so it involves foreign policy. It was her guy. It's true.

That is a fact. He got a really weird visa. He did. And in McEnany State News. Amazing. Just in time for us to be too late to talk about it on last week's show. Late, that fucking bitch. Yes, thank you.

He knows what's happening. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany did her absolute best to make our headline segment when, during a discussion of the reopening schools, she said, quote, the president has said unmistakably that he wants schools to open. And when he says open, he means open and full. Kids being able to attend each and every day at their school.

The science should not stand in the way of this. End quote. Okay, so we're going to explain what she actually meant by that in a second, but I love the mental image of Trump trying to like walk down a hallway in a high school

and the bully known as science is just shuffling back and forth. Somebody make that political cartoon. Let me just say that if it turned out that's what she thought was going to happen i'd be less terrified and look while this honesty is certainly refreshing media outlets

everywhere jumped at the chance to use this as another example of the trump administration's rejection of scientific evidence in favor of their own policy. Okay, well, almost all media outlets. I think Fox News reported on water skiing accidents or something. So that's why carbon dioxide is a poison. And after the break, splash fight! Yeah, right. It's gotten to the point where half of the throws on that fucking channel are next up on Fox News. What's that over there?

What is that over there? I vote. But we should point out, as he teased, it's actually way worse than just outright denying the science. Stepford incest roleplay Barbie wasn't rejecting the science. She's claiming it's on her side, which is way, way more terrifying. Later in her statement, she says,

real quote, the science is very clear on this that you know for instance you look at the jama pediatric study of 46 pediatrics hospitals in north america that said the risk of critical illness from covid is far less for children than that of the seasonal flu yeah right, right. I mean, it might kill anybody who hugs your children too, but she's not that worried about her nanny anyway. Look, even if the JAMA study were a reliable way

to look at how safe it is to open schools, which is not because it only worked with PICUs and only certain PICUs at that, but by their own numbers, we're looking at thousands of dead kids and untold numbers of

dead adults who will come into contact with those kids you know janitors teachers families yeah listen i've been on a public school bus many times it's already way before now a giant mucus delivery tube that's what that thing is exactly do you want us to put the red states in a quarantine bubble? Because we'd love to do that. Right? You're fucking setting us up. Yeah, it's seeming less and less like we won the Civil War. Yeah, or they're cheating.

I don't know. And look, I know this story isn't about religion, and this is an atheism show, but I promise we have some Buddhist jokes coming right up. But here's the thing. If COVID has a silver lining, it's that it is largely, up to this point, spared our children.

And you need to know that the Trump administration is working as hard as they fucking can and using every dirty trick in the book to fix that. Yep. Yeah. All right. Boy, there's a couple of depressing headlines closes so far it's great should have gone with my buddhist story first it's also kind of depressing actually yeah actually

should have read more than the headline all right next up in headlines as we all know american churches have been looting the Paycheck Protection Program for billions of dollars in forgivable loans, also known as billions of dollars in free money they stole. The program is meant to prevent unemployment and keep businesses afloat. But, you know, businesses that have some sort of meaningful role in the economy. Well, apparently Donald Trump wanted to make sure the magic futures sector of the economy was at the top of the list because that's essential. So the administration was conducting secret looting seminars just for Christian churches.

My God, we found the only business plan easier than the underwear gnomes. Yeah. Yeah. So we learned about these embezzlement colloquia thanks to the Freedom from Religion Foundation. They did some good work on this. They recorded secret conference calls between high-level White House officials

and the brokers of Christian magic futures from the churches who were invited to participate in these things. So, first of all, I love that the FFRF somehow planted a listening device inside like a confederate bobblehead next to Trump's

phone, next to all the church phones do, or the FFRF actually does journalistic phone espionage and Andrew Seidel is in fact an international man of mystery even more than I already thought. He looks like he would just look at you over a bale of fresh hay and say gosh i'd love those government

secrets well i mean the other option is that there's an ethical church out there that helped them and i think the hay bale theory is way more plausible definitely yeah with that just across a smoke filled how is there smoke in here with the we're outside cool you're you're attractive so if anyone's curious you can listen to these calls they're linked in the story from the show notes and the people involved are so very clearly aware of the looting they're doing first of all the fact that they were secret is a pretty good tip off by itself right but also the part when the administration went out of their way to mention that a so-called church can provide absolutely zero social services and they could literally have the owner be the sole employee and still get taxpayer money from this thing. They were also very clear about explaining, hey, guys, don't worry before you even ask.

Yes, you're still exempt from all those obnoxious you know anti-discrimination laws from the civil rights movement all that red tape don't worry yeah yeah and in those calls they very clearly encourage churches that don't need the money to apply anyway and assure them that hey they'll get it yep right they'll get it over the businesses that actually need the money to actually keep people employed because it's the easiest way trump can think of to buy votes without spending his own money yeah so this is a giant fucking crime and it'll never get investigated because religion doesn't have laws anymore no but just for clarity let's make it black for a second just to figure it out or in this case make it white let's say the white house invited a bunch of white companies to apply

for government aid feels kind of problematic doesn't it and that's that's de facto what happened here i have a funny feeling they didn't have a bunch of majority black churches on the call definitely no atheist churches so you know de facto at best actually right yeah actually scenario all of trump's friends just happen to be white and not atheist and not muslim and not jewish just by chance best case scenario well the good news here though is that andrew over at the ffrf was not the only one who got a recording so we're going to kick things over to the white house to see how those calls went for ourselves ourselves. Hi, everyone. I am Trump's administrative aide, Tyler. Ah, the tall guy. No, I'm just normal height. Anyway, I'm going to be leading you through this seminar, and the president has titled it

How to Get Free Money for Nothing. Okay, so step one. Sorry, yes polo white i have a demon in my phone can someone please zap it you know with magic anyone got i'll get it i'll get it thank you thank you thank you wow dangerously mentally ill anyways you were saying right so so what you're gonna do is you're gonna use this program to get a tremendous amount of money for nothing. And all you have to do is. I'm on speak now. Oh, yes, Mr. Copeland. Okay.

Thank you. Can this money be spent on healing oils and private jets and stuff like that? Also the blood of the ancient Mongols for dark rituals? Surprisingly, yes. Sure can. Goody. Great. Hello.

Hello. I'd like to order a large burger cheese. And fries. And fries. Mr. President, we're on a call right now. My God, Tyler. How'd you get trapped in the phone, buddy? No, sir, I am not.

Again, I'm not trapped in the pocket. No, don't do this. On it. I know. This happens all the time. That actually went better than I expected. I've been in the room the whole time. Damn it, Paula! And then it never hurts to mask news tonight. Texas Governor Greg Abbott was dragged kicking and screaming to the bare fucking minimum this week

when he finally issued a statewide face mask mandate for all public places. Asterisk. Because some places are accepted, apparently, including, of course, houses of worship. And I guess by extension extension private religious schools private religious schools are being grandfathered in when it comes to killing children with neglect apparently great and grandfathers are being grandfathered out by killing them with the virus yeah it's fantastic yeah so this information comes to us from an open letter from texas attorney general ken paxton wherein he explained that unlike most of all of the quote because a there are legal

protections unique to religious individuals and b i guess they're no longer pretending otherwise yeah i guess saying unique to white christians is rolling out next week yeah probably probably yeah and in case you're curious no that is not the only thing that makes this letter fucking disgusting it also includes assurances that quote relatively few children with covid19 are hospitalized or have severe symptoms end quote and then they make it super clear that the main purpose of carving out this exemption is so that religious schools can continue to operate even in counties where public schools have been shut down for safety. Because Ken Paxton and Greg Abbott don't want to

obstruct parents' religious freedoms to send their kids to heaven. Jesus, I did it again. So many depressing endings. Sorry, Eli. Sorry. I got it. I got it. We're doing a news segment. What the fuck are you supposed to do? No, trust me. This one's good. All right. And

in Give Me Liberty and give me death news regular listeners to the show will remember this past april when liberty university president and pool boy enthusiast jerry falwell jr reopened campus despite literally every scientist and government in the world telling him not to you may also remember that when reporters came to campus to ask students how they felt about dying for intro to the Fed as a Ponzi scheme, he issued arrest warrants

against them for trespassing. Well, now Baby J Falls is suing the New York Times for, pinky to cheek please, $10 million. Look at this, a million dollars A zillion. For damages.

Or 750 pool boys for defamation. I calculated it out. Jay Falls, just to be clear, you're saying the people who wrote sentences about what literally happened are defaming you? Yeah. Did you hear it? What if that's a photographer?

One of them just took pictures how can how can a picture whatever that's fine now as will surprise nobody this lawsuit has the same chances i do of making it through this story without once again referencing that jerry falwell jr and his wife had a bunch of devil's threesomes with their pool boy and then paid him off to keep quiet about it. That doesn't mean it's not an entertaining 55 page read. No, that's true. In addition to the lawsuit claiming with no evidence that the time story was, quote, written before any reporting began. That's usually the order of how news stories.

And then you report them he also argues that the school was in no danger of being a covet hot spot because again real quote in a lawsuit never an on-campus student diagnosed with covet 19 jesus fucking christ yeah the photographer at the center of this thing by the way wrote a piece for the times about how falwell had harassed her and fucked with her incessantly. That's what the whole lawsuit is about. And this fucking idiot thinks, hey, you know what would clear my name of the accusation that I was harassing this woman, suing her employer for 10 million fucking dollars. 10 million dollars. Okay, so with these startling facts in mind, we'd like to present you our brand new ad.

And Jerry, you can have this one for Liberty University. Hi, I'm Jerry Falwell Jr., president of Liberty University, inviting you to enroll this fall in the only university in America that has absolutely no COVID. that has absolutely no COVID. Sure, we fired our entire philosophy department, and we'll kick you out if you're sexually assaulted or if you watch an R-rated movie. But you know what else we have? No COVID. None. Not a single case. That's right. Liberty University.

Really making that die-for-a-lie apologetic scene extra stupid. You want to see a naked picture of my wife? No. You have a pool boy? And speaking of handing strangers off to one spouse, we're going to toss things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. She'll love

that. A man wrote the Bible? A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. A cooking can be fun. Love that. It's like they knew I'd been off for a couple of weeks and they were trying to see what they could get away with, y'all. Like, you remember Scott Lively? The American bigot pastor behind Uganda's Kill the Gays bill? Well, he took advantage of my absence last week by going on a big rant about how if only people in the 1920s knew that women's suffrage would lead to baby murder and transgender pastors, they'd never have made the mistake of letting women vote. And I know you're dying to hear how he connected the dots between women's suffrage and transgender pastors. I was pretty curious myself.

But apparently that's just assumed knowledge when you tune in to Breaking News Bible Study. But Lively wasn't the only pastor lamenting women's rights last week. Matt Hagee is the son of John Hagee, which is kind of fucked up by itself, seeing as how John Hagee made his entire career on telling people the world was going to end in a terrible disaster, but he had a kid anyway. So either he's evil and wanted to torture a kid, or he was evil and never believed the bullshit he was selling. And like father, like son, Matt isn't exactly an ethical standout. So during his sermon last Sunday, he tossed out a few words on the subject of women's rights and LGBTQ rights, basically the rights of all the non-him people.

And those words included phrases like doctrine of demons. But since I haven't talked to you in a while, I don't want it to be all bad news, which I'll admit is a weird setup for a story out of Sudan. But that nation continues to crawl its way towards respectability with a series of reforms designed to bring their laws in line with the international standards. We talked about this back in May when they announced these reforms would include a law against female genital mutilation. Well, the reforms were officially enacted last week, and they include the ban on FGM, as well as a repeal on the nation's apostasy laws, getting rid of public floggings, and scrapping the law that required women to get their husband's permission to travel alone. So congratulations to the people

of Sudan who fought so hard and risked so much to push through these reforms. There's still a ways to go, but that's an awful big step. And just so I don't risk being too optimistic in my return, I should point out that given the present trend lines, Sudan should bypass America in terms of human rights by 2023. And with a quick promise not to make it so long between visits, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines in Flu's Rush In News, Rush Limbaugh has a plan for how to defeat the coronavirus. We need to borrow some wisdom from the Donner Party. Okay. And yes, that fucking Donner Party.

He's talking about the people who tried to cross the Sierra Nevada mountains in the middle of winter and had to eat each other. And I'll admit uh i had not considered this yet he's thinking outside of the box i'll give him that according to presidential medal of freedom recipient rush limbaugh we need to adapt to our situation much like the donner party learn to adapt by eating each other. I mean, let's kill and eat everyone that isn't us has been the Republican platform for a while. It's just weird to hear it out loud. Yeah, they usually use euphemisms and stuff.

I don't know. I don't think any eating-based solution can sound weird coming from Rush Limbaugh at this point. Yeah, so according to Limbaugh, all the liberal science nerds with their masks and their social distancing are un-american that's just giving up and dying and he'd prefer that we take the conservative approach of just giving up and dying but like faster i guess it's not clear he got pretty confused by himself i don't think he's adapting to his cancer very well

he's in the middle of talking about the coronavirus and then he says you've heard of the donner party right and and that's when the world's largest record needle because that's a it's an ambitious fucking analogy right he continued if you read their diaries the only reference to how cold it was was one sentence it was a particularly tough winter they didn't complain about it because there was nothing they could do they had to adapt this is what we're missing there seems to be no concept of adaptation voice co-hosts like we'll actually rush the mass start no i meant in a murdery way well does he realize that the cold wasn't the biggest concern at that point right right like

maybe the daughter party just felt like following up I had to eat another one of my daughters today with weather updates was a little awkward. Hey, guys, who has a good adjective for cold? I keep writing cold. So in response to Limbaugh's brainstorm about the valuable lesson from the Donner Party, the public reaction was basically, OK, yeah, that tracks. Donner Party, the public reaction was basically, okay, yeah, that tracks. Also, if we're solving this pandemic with

cannibalism, the first people we eat are the terminally ill who suggested cannibalism. That's definitely the rule. Exactly. But my favorite response came from a guy named Thomas Gable on Twitter who pointed out, the Donner Party got lost because

their leader didn't know what he was doing and he was looking for a shortcut that didn't exist. If that's not an apt comparison, I don't know what is. Oh, shit. The scene in Requiem for a Dream where she earns the heroin money. No, no, nobody died

in that scene. No, you're right. No, he's right. He's right. There was nothing in those diaries about ass to ass. They just dealt with it. So, Limbaugh didn't give any examples of the adaptation that he's calling for. Maybe he's talking about evolution? Like, when

one of Darwin's finches was like, guys, guys, we need better beaks. Let's eat Steve and see what happens. Although, I doubt Rush Limbaugh's understanding of evolution is that advanced. He seemed to be more focused on the American angle. Like, like if we all squint really hard and we're all like gumption,

gumption, gumption, gumption, gumption, then we'll grow gills that filter out the virus. I don't know. But, but then he'd have gill cancer and there's really no treatment for that.

Bottom line, thoughts and prayers to Rush Limbaugh in this difficult time. Yeah, finally a story with a happy ending. Thank you, Heath. And in New Phone Buddhist news, award-winning Sri Lankan New Phone, who this?

New Phone. Crushed it. Award-winning Sri Lankan author Shafika Sethkumara faces up to a decade. That's what it

is spelled like. Yeah, he's a good guy so I had to learn it. Usually when we don't like them I can just use that as an excuse.

Anyways, he faces up to a decade in prison because of a short story he wrote that insults Buddhism. Well, right. But the short story he didn't write

compliments the fuck out of it. So that should be back to even, right? Yeah, exactly. So the story, which has since been translated and which Sath Kumara posted to his Facebook depicts the experiences

of a former monk, makes references to gay relationships between monks, and includes a character who says that Buddha, quote, was unable to please a woman, end quote. Okay, well, she just didn't get the idea of one-hand fap. It's kind of like a weird, it's like, come on. Yeah, so based on that story, monks at the Buddhist Information Center

filed a complaint with local police in 2019, which led to the charge that he had violated both the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights Act and the Sri Lankan Penal Code. You flip it through one of their law books and like, fuck, there it is. And Buddha can work a vagina like the devil plucking a fiddle. Fuck, I didn't think they were making that up. And you said it's stupid to put that in there. So as a result, Safkumar spent four months in prison until making his bail in August of 2019.

And while the United Nations is working on his situation as a very clear violation of his human rights, the case is currently caught in limbo but i point out this story not just because it's international news you should be aware of but also quick reminder the religious persecution is being done by buddhist monks yeah because if you're looking for the common denominator in something bad happening anywhere, anytime, any old religion will do. Yeah, well, yeah, just a reminder, there aren't good and bad religions. There are just religions with and without power.

All right, and finally tonight in OK Stupid News. Online dating sites are great, but you always seem to end up with someone whose political philosophy just isn't compatible with yours. The date's going great, but then when you rank your bigotry, it turns out you hate gay people the most, and they're more focused on racial stuff. Awkward. Has this happened to you? Well, don't worry. There is a better way. Thanks to hate preacher Roger Jimenez of the New Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church.

Introducing newifbsingles.com because some people never learn to hate correctly. Yeah, I hate to break it to you, Pastor, but they already have an app for terrified homophobes. It's called Grindr. I thought you were going to say Twitter. I was so sure you were going to say Twitter. Okay, so you know how dating bigots is great?

Yes. There's always a glaring lack of self-righteous Christian people being online chaperones of all your romantic interactions. Oh, yes. Well, those days are over. When you connect with someone on new IFB singles, there is absolutely no private chatting. The whole thing gets monitored on a public forum.

You fucking whore. That's right. That's right. You shut your whore mouth and use the public forum. And everyone on the site is thoroughly vetted by Jimenez and his team, including background checks with your pastor. They ask you what church you go to and then they call up your pastor and they're like,

is this person qualified for our amazing website? She is kind of whorey. Yeah. And they also make sure you can afford to spawn some bigots. If you're male, of course. One of the screening questions, this is real,

the question is, do you have Yeah. One of the screening questions, this is real. The question is, do you have a job? And the next question is, if you answered yes to having a job, are you currently able to support a family with that income? The answer choices for that second one are yes,

no, and quote, I am a female, so this question does not apply to me. And listen, listener, I'm already female so this question does not apply to me. And listener, I'm already way ahead of you. I cannot express how hard

I tried to sign Heath up for this as a prank. I googled an IFB church in New Jersey. I pretended to be a little old lady. I did everything except fake a passport, people. Alright? I tried. Commit to the bit. Get a passport. Yeah, I guess what Eli's trying to say is,

can one of y'all fake a passport? Because it's really actually hard to find. Please. Make this happen for them. And just in case it wasn't clear, they collect exactly zero compatibility information beyond, you know, penis, vagina, money, and

hate preference. Regardless, it looks like they're going to fall right into our virus trap, so that's good. And I think we should help them out with some marketing, right? So, 20 seconds on the clock. Really? Slogans for the new online matchmaker for bigots

go. I'm going to dust off some puns. New IFB singles. Let the people who repeatedly define love as willingness to murder your son take control of your love life. No puns. New IFB singles dot com. Swipe Christian Wright.

New IFB singles dot com. Swipe left behind. Nice. New IFB singles dot com. Let the people who can't stop using the married people are like two enslaved oxen forced to labor near one another until they die analogy take control of your love life oh like it uh get yoked uh new ifb singles.com love under the hood new ifb singles.com all wives wives matter alright I think we've found it

and while Eli and I network with some hackers we're going to close the headlines for the night Heath, Eli thanks as always Bill Parcheesi and when we come back apologetics won't have gotten any better one of the mission statements of our show is to help our audience keep track of what the people who aren't thinking are thinking. And when it comes to not thinking, few people do it as well as Hilary Morgan Farrow, the author of Mama Bear Apologetics. Now, we've been breaking down this sucker for quite a while now.

We're almost to the end, but it's time to dive back in once again. So, Eli, what is Hilary going to bitch at us about this month? back in once again. So, Eli, what is Hillary going to bitch at us about this month? Well, Noah, this chapter is going to be titled, I'm Not Religious, I'm Spiritual, New Spirituality. Oh, I bet she hates these people wrong. Okay.

She sure does. And we're going to start off with what this chapter's author, Elisa, obviously thinks is a good setup for a horror movie. Oh, good. We got a new author. Yeah, a new chapter. Lazy got a new author yeah chapter lazy everyone yeah yep me and all of my friends are equally good at writing wow you must be really good then very good yeah yeah so here's what happened are you ready one time she walked into her living room

to find her seven-year-old daughter meditating. You think of things right now, young lady. We are dualists in this family. We are dualists. Yeah. So she very obviously like screams demon and side tackles her kid out of crisscross applesauce only to learn that a gym teacher at her Christian school had taught her,

quote, because our culture has been inundated with new age mysticism only to learn that a gym teacher at her Christian school had taught her, quote, because our culture has been inundated with New Age mysticism over the past few decades. And most people, including Christians, aren't aware of how it permeates everything from the way we eat, to the way we talk, to the way we think about the world, and in some cases, the way we do church and worship God, end quote. Meditation is right. Yeah, because you know who is crazy into New Age mysticism? Medieval European monks.

Those hippies. So that means it's time for a brief history of New Age mysticism. And spoiler alert, if you're hoping for guy lied in a book and lady lied in an encyclopedia, you need to think bigger because the real person behind new age mysticism is that's right oprah winfrey stedman so elisa does correctly point out that oprah is kind of american idol for new age hacks pointing out that she's hosted Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, and, quote, Rob Bell. Yes, that's Pastor Rob Bell, and we'll get to him in a moment.

Yeah, I've always said Oprah's a lot like Ryan Seacrest. So now she's going to make her first leap. She points out that all that Eckhart Tolle is the reason that a third of the country are nuns. Not because of the kid rape and the bigotry, you see. Or the fact that God doesn't exist and we have more access to information now. Just like a direct answer for that.

No, it's not that. It's because millennials saw Deepak Chopra on Oprah. Oh, okay. And if you all reach under your chair, you get nothing happens when you die. You get nothing happens when you die. happens when you die right so now it's time to roar like a mother a part of this book i love more and more every chapter because heath always forgets how bad the acronym is and i get to watch him hurt all over again

what are things you can say about both hillary morgan farrah's acronym game and heath's love life oh oh finn had 10 points yeah okay good so first we're gonna are recognize the message and again credit where credits do elisa points out that in 2008 oprah's satellite radio channel launched a year-long course based on a course in miracles which for those who don't know is a book written by a columbia university professor who channeled her messages from an entity she called the voice which she later decided was Jesus Christ which is fucking stupid but of course Elisa's take is okay everyone knows that Jesus is only coming back after the stars fall out of the sky right yeah. Yeah, exactly. But don't take those agreeing hats off just yet

because it's time for lie number one. God is all and all are one. I don't know if that's coherent enough to call a lie, but it's definitely not correct. So, yeah.

Okay. Go, Elisa. Yeah, but it's about time somebody took down Synecdoche a peg or two, you know? And there's no better place to see this insidious idea work

in culture then that's right star wars what quote star wars fans will remember the famous scene in the empire strikes back in which buddha i mean yoda did i say buddha m is in the swamp training the young jed, Luke Skywalker. God damn it. I love the racism there, though. She's just like, Yoda, Buddha, you know, funny talking guy. Jew.

So, quote, Yoda explains the force like this. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings we are, not this crude matter. You must feel the force around you. Here, between you, me, the tree, the rock.

Everywhere, yes? Even between the land and the ship. End quote. Oh, I loved listening to Eli regret deciding to do the voice halfway through that. That was really fun. That was pretty painful. Here's the problem, though. The force is fucking real

in the movie, right? Like Yoda says that and then immediately uses it to lift an X-Wing fighter out of a swamp. So not like New Age mysticism. Look, if New Age mysticism could choke people,

Eli and Heath would have a podcast about how New Age mysticism is real and I'd be in jail for murder. Yes. But just in case that meditating scare wasn't enough listen to this quote i was so excited last summer when i found an evening vacation bible school for my kids five whole evenings to myself in the middle of summer sign me up the theme was star wars well there's your first problem right there that shit's buddhist i picked my children up at the end of the first session just in time to catch the closing skit

in which children were being taught to understand the work of the holy spirit by comparing him with the force in star wars what my husband turned to me and said well there went your free nights this week wow my husband made my mind up right then and there jesus oh that was like that was that a cancel like that now that they aren't going to that camp now yeah yeah not just that but her husband turned to her and was like well i guess you don't get any fucking freedom do you fellow ox losing my evenings was a small price to pay for the truth end quote yeah just 12 hours later she's still in a fight with her kids 5 a.m stubs out a cigarette yes the midichlorians are like god's dna but the jews would lose it god damn it all right so now it's time for lie number two congratulations you are god and and

this lie offers some pretty insidious messages like quote stop seeing yourself as something negative like a sinner and quote you are awesome just the way you are and quote the evil of building self-confidence in children got it we're going to spend some time on that. Yeah. And who sold this lie to kids in 2018 through the medium of Disney Lois? That's right. Stedman. Oprah Winfrey again.

Got it. Because, quote, and I love this so much, in the theatrical trailer for A Wrinkle in Time, the message, the only way to defeat the darkness is to become the light, appears on screen in bold letters as powerful music is played. Oh, well, in that case. It's close. And apparently the book of that gets banned all the time because it mentions a list of people who fight against evil in the universe that includes Jesus. But it has to be jesus only right madeline langel that fucking atheist bitch if ever there was one uh line number three it's all relative and look even this book is sick of that fucking argument at this point so

it just tells you to read the rest of the book. It literally is just like, yeah, you know, the rest of the book. But then comes lie number four. Meditation is the answer to all your problems. And look, I'll admit I'm a bit of a high maintenance boyfriend, meditation proponent, hurtful. But if your problems have to do with your thoughts and how you handle them, then maybe meditation is the answer to some of your problems. Right. If your problem is that you're standing up, for example. Sure, sure. Your ankles are sore. Sure. Either

way, Elisa fails so hard to make this sound ominous. Saying, quote, she's like, sure, science says meditation might be good for you, but Katy Perry does it. Oh, sure, science says meditation might be good for you, but Katy Perry does it. Oh, right, right. Katy Perry is evil because she dressed kind of like Cleopatra in a music video,

and Cleopatra was a Muslim from the first century B.C. That's real. You need a fucking almanac of stupid to even follow this book. I mean, look, meditation is pretty insidious. real that you need a fucking almanac of stupid to even follow this book i mean look meditation's pretty insidious i mean listen who wouldn't be wary of this quote a technique of sitting still observing the breath being aware solely of the present moment and learning to let thoughts pass by without entertaining them there is no place for mindfulness in christianity we are mindless in this family.

Courage your convictions, though. If we've learned anything from this book, it's that there are no thoughts entertained or otherwise. So, yeah. It's fair. So now it's time for her to, oh, we're still in the anagram. Don't forget. Offer discernment.

It could be an anagram. It doesn't matter. She can move it around. First up, we're going to deal with that pantheism bullshit. And if I may sum up this section, nuh-uh. Yeah. She quotes Romans here, the part where Paul says, like,

you can see the evidence of God in nature, but if you look too close at nature, like some science-loving jerk, then you get all full of yourself. Or as Paul puts it, quote i figure paul would have a yoda voice yeah no he would not i think he would not if you want a gam this week they exchanged the truth about god for a lie and worshiped and served creating things rather than the creator who is forever praised end quote yeah yeah to paraphrase check my work but not very hard yeah that's a thing that an

honest person might say yeah yeah i do have a statue of a golden calf with a laptop doing a fact check on snopes i guess that's a little aggressive idle so next up the divinity of all mankind and her answer here is to remind you that you are an evil sinner who deserves hell and to be fair the bible does say that no that's true yeah you know third relativism as i said been there done that yeah no the nice thing about the multi-author approach is that they get to say the same thing over and over again without realizing it that's nice yeah fills those pages out and last fight about who does relativism all everyone and last but not least the beast of them all sitting still and thinking about your breath quote are there some studies that show supposed health benefits air quotes hearse of

meditation sure but we are not just aiming at physical health spiritual health is just as important and most types of meditation being taught are based on blatantly new age and anti-biblical principles opening your mind to who knows what hey hey hey are you thinking about nothing jewishly so now it's time to a argue for a healthier approach and surprise surprise her healthier approach is christianity or as elisa puts it quote no matter how hard we try how often we meditate and how much we practice certain principles we can never make ourselves good our hearts are desperately sick and only the blood of jesus can make them clean and whole. End quote.

God, again, paraphrasing, you can't still your way into happiness. That's silly. Now let me tell you about putting your hands together and wishing your way into happiness. Yeah, God's kind of like a T-Rex. He only hears based on motion. Gotta move your hands. So now we're going to R, reinforce,

through discussion, disciples and prayer and this might literally be my favorite part of the book so far because this section is how to unhip your kids except because it's in kids shows and stuff it's just shitting on mr rogers right yeah quote when they hear a phrase like follow your heart ask the impractical questions like what if someone's heart is telling them to do something bad? And what does the Bible say about our hearts? What if your heart is telling you to do something bad? Justify it with a book about apologetics. Those are impractical questions.

Here's another one. practical questions here's another one quote that if a commercial on tv communicates you are enough you might say hey can you go pick up that car with your bare hands no you mean you aren't enough your kid might roll their eyes these kinds of questions will train them to think critically as they engage with their culture and jesus her advice is literally don't let anyone tell your kids they're good enough. Wow. Just fucking wow. And last but not least,

it's time for discussion questions. Gentlemen, does saying are you ready here do a weird call and response beat that kind of throws off the comedic timing of this section? Very awkward. Very awkward.

Fuck yeah, it does. Question number one. Icebreaker. Did you or anyone you know ever play with a Ouija board, tarot cards, or read their horoscope? Why do you think these things are so attractive to people, including kids? Magic with no pedophiles? Right, because we've conditioned kids to accept magical thinking so as not to offend religious sensibilities i i feel like you wanted the wrong answer but uh that's

the answer next question self-evaluation there are aspects of the new spirituality that sound attractive if you were honest with yourself which parts attract you? Why do you think that is? Is there a biblical truth that has been distorted? Why do you think you and people in general are drawn to the distorted version? It's so sad. Yes, right. There's such an undercurrent of, man, do I wish our religion was better in that question. And I love it. Question two, we're losing to a religion about nothing.

What the fuck? Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but the answer is that zero is greater than a negative number. Right, yeah, exactly. Straightforward. Next question. Brainstorm. In what ways has culture used Jesus as a generic stamp

to turn anything into a Christian message? Has there been a time when you bought into new age principles and mix them with your Christian beliefs? Have you seen this occur in many popular Christian books? How should you respond when that happens? Is set that book on fire the answer you're looking for, Lisa? Attack trans people in a series of tweets. Oh, good one.

Good answer. Yeah. Number four, release the bear one of the problems with the new spirituality is that it tries to add to the bible crystals meditation chanting etc emphasize to your kids that if we needed crystals or whatever god would have told us yeah and stop taking penicillin and wearing masks. Dumb assholes. All right. So while we plan out ways to stoke the battle between crystal healing woo moms and Christian

apologist moms for the benefit of all, we're going to close this book for a month. We're fast approaching the exciting conclusion, but there's still an awful lot to say. In fact, I have it on good authority that the next chapter is about communism. So with that to look forward to next month, we're going to wrap this edition of God Awful Books. Before we throw away the key tonight, I want to let you know that if you need more me in your life,

be on the lookout for not one, not two, but three upcoming episodes of the Philosophers in Space podcast where I'm going to be breaking down one of my favorite sci-fi novels of all time, Anathem by Neal Stephenson, and learning a fuck ton of philosophy along the way. It was a ton of fun to record. Can't wait for the episodes to be out for the public. That's coming soon. We're going to have links in the show notes once those are available, but also keep track of our social media. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait

that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. And since I take thanking my co-host more seriously than the president takes your child's survival, I'm going to spend a few seconds on it. Thanks to social distancing grand champion Heath Enright, the man who was made to wear a face mask, Eli Bosnick, and the woman who can cough on me anytime, Lucinda Lusions. I also want to thank Paul Kijedji for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, he sent me that in November, but something tells me his stay-at-home-dad-themed comic, Home Based, has only gotten more relevant since then. If you'd like to check it out, you're going to find a link on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Adrian, Jordan, Maddie, Lucas, Aaron, and Bryson.

Adrian, Jordan, and Maddie, who are so bright comet neo-eyes can see them with a naked eye, and Lucas, Aaron, and Bryson, who put the long in schlong. Together, this half-dozen deliciously desirable defenders of decent discernment donated to our duel with the distributors of doctrinal dumbassery this week by giving us money. If you, too,

would like to give us money, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingadius, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadius.com.

And if you'd like to help, but am I fucking kidding? Money? Now? You can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, supporting our sponsors, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-N on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast

are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who will also roll the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skating alias.com I'm Batman. It's Thursday. Go.

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