The Scathing Atheist - 389: Legitimate Rapert Edition

Episode Date: July 30, 2020

In this week’s episode, the Supreme Court finds a law churches DO have to follow, churches find a way not to follow it, and we’ll cheer you up with a reminder that 2020 is almost 7/12s over. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Listen to Noah on Philosophers in Space: https://0gphilosophy.libsyn.com/ --- Headlines: Supreme Court Votes 5-4 Against Nevada Church That Opposed COVID Restrictions: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/24/supreme-court-votes-5-4-against-nevada-church-that-opposed-covid-restrictions/ Texas GOP Lawmaker: Aliens Need Jesus to Get to Heaven: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/24/texas-gop-lawmaker-aliens-need-jesus-to-get-to-heaven/ Biden suggest kids should learn about Islam in school, Christians lose their goddamn minds: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/24/conservatives-lash-out-after-biden-says-kids-should-learn-about-islam-in-school/ Ted Yoho says he won't apologize for "loving my god": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/23/gop-rep-who-called-aoc-a-fking-bitch-i-wont-apologize-for-loving-my-god/ Ted Yoho Resigns from Christian Non-Profit’s Board: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/26/after-hateful-comment-rep-ted-yoho-resigns-from-christian-non-profits-board/ Giants Pitcher Explains Refusal to Kneel for Black Lives: “I’m a Christian” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/25/giants-pitcher-explains-refusal-to-kneel-for-black-lives-im-a-christian/ Forty members of AL church have COVID-19 thanks to dumbass revival: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/27/40-members-of-a-small-alabama-church-have-covid-after-mask-free-revival-service/ Anti-Abortion Activists Are Idiotically Urging Democrats to Cater to Their Whims: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/24/anti-abortion-activists-are-idiotically-urging-democrats-to-cater-to-their-whims/ AR State Sen. Jason Rapert Preached at a Mask-Free Church; Now He Has COVID: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/24/ar-state-sen-jason-rapert-preached-at-a-mask-free-church-now-he-has-covid/ Rick Wiles suggests Trump use hollow point bullets on Portland protesters: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2020/07/christian-tv-host-asks-trump-to-use-hollow-point-bullets-on-portland-protesters/

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Warning, the profanity comes early and often in this one. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey, Adam and Eve, and by Demon Sperm.

I mean, now that they're talking about it on the news, we might as well just own it. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Christopher and Phoenix. I don't have anything to plug, but I can assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey man. It's Thursday. It's July 30th. And it's father-in-Law Day. Yeah, so thanks for letting us fuck your kids?

Wait, no, that doesn't sound like a holiday. Moving on, moving on. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Andrew Napolitano's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, the Supreme Court finds a law churches do have to follow. New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, the Supreme Court finds a law churches do have to follow. Eli pre-cycles the first sentence of my lead story as his intro thing.

And we'll cheer you up with a reminder that 2020 is almost 7 12ths over. But first, the diatribe. Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Louisiana, Georgia. Quick, am I reading off the list of the most religious states or the list with the highest per capita incidence of COVID-19? Trick question. Same fucking list. There are a few states like Florida and Nevada that keep the top 10

from being exactly the same 10 states, but with the exception of West Virginia, all the top 10 most religious states are in the bottom 15 in dealing with this pandemic at the time of this recording. That is not a coincidence.

I mean, I'm sorry to spend another diatribe saying I told you so because people don't generally like hearing that, but for fuck's sake, I've been screaming myself hoarse about this shit for most of a decade. And even within the atheist community, people told me, hey, tone it down they said my goodness noah you're acting like it's a matter of life and death well now do you see it i mean i mean it's not like it just became a matter of life and death over the last couple of months or even since trump took office right it's just that this pandemic is the first thing

that made it a matter of life and death for them for me for everybody regardless of the color of their skin who they love and whether they have the gender that somebody who never met them thinks they should have it's been a matter of life and death for everybody else for a long fucking time right here's the biggest problem against all evidence people kept pretending that the nutters were some extreme amongst Christianity. I would talk about the creationists and the homophobes and the end is nigh wackaloons. And people would say, yes, yes, there are voices on the extreme in every group. But the majority of Christians aren't like that. But this idea of moderate majority in Christianity was never anything more than a comforting fucking fantasy as wanting for evidence as the religion itself.

I mean, if the majority of Christians are moderates, why don't the moderates have TV networks or radio stations? Did nut balls have theme parks with hundred million dollar attractions? What's the moderate equivalent of that? To believe the lunatics aren't running the asylum, you have to ignore an entire nation's worth of evidence. And yet, people seemed perfectly willing to do so right up until the lunatics sent one of their own to the Oval Office. Look, it's not hard to see how this happens. As recently as 1990, 85% of Americans identified as Christian. Today, that number is around 65%.

And sure, some amount of it is, you know, Christians dying and being replaced by non-Christians, but a ton of it is also people just not using that word anymore, right? I mean, it used to be kind of like the default American setting when it came to religion. If you weren't raised Jewish or Muslim or Hindu or something, you didn't really go to church or have specific religious beliefs, you probably just used the word Christian when somebody asked you your religion. And then the internet happened, right? People started to learn stuff. Information about religion was widely available, even in small towns where the libraries and bookstores were careful about censoring anything that wasn't sufficiently Christian. People learned more

about their beliefs. They heard the arguments from the other side unadulterated and they left christianity in droves and the people who left were by and large the moderates right i mean that's not universally true i mean we all know atheists that came from fundamentalist backgrounds and were all the way devout but most of the people who left christianity did so by just not using that term anymore they never were church goers or bible readers so all they had to do to make the change was offer up a different answer if pew research ever called them up and of course this whittling down left christianity ever more in the hands of the zealots there were fewer and fewer people to moderate the most extreme impulses and the profit motive shifted more and more to these bigots right christianity followed suit rebranded itself as a haven for bigots conspiracy theorists

and lunatics and along the way they became the mainstream even as we continued to call them extremists rejecting science became the norm and we pretended the moderates were still in control religious freedom started including denying lgbtq people their rights and we twiddled our fucking thumbs we'll have to agree to disagree became the rebuttal to math and we still acted like the democracy wasn't on fire and now our unwillingness to look this problem in the eye is killing us and we're still not looking it in the eye. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Pepsi and Coke to my RC Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to soda vision? I'm shaking and ready to explode, Noah. Oh, there you go. I like bagel. Rock and rye, baby.

Rock and rye. Big fan of insane clown posse. In our lead story tonight, we have some very exciting news. A law applied to a church. No way. That's right. Now, it is terrifying

that this is a wind condition right now. This is fucking 2020, so we're going to take a victory lap when we can take it Anna sorry Heath are you waiting for an improvised victory lap jingle from Anna she's not here live in the show

I know that I know she's not but it's also a Christian freakout, Anna. What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. There you go. Okay. That's right. Christians are having a meltdown after the Supreme Court decided last week that a state can make a law even if that state contains religion.

Honestly, I would not have bet on it yeah this is a big surprise calvary chapel dayton valley church in dayton nevada filed an emergency motion asking the supreme court to cancel a new state law that puts a limit of 50 people on certain indoor gatherings they claim the regulation is treating them differently than casinos and restaurants. And yes, sure the fuck does. Because churches are different than casinos and restaurants. That's why we have all these different words and stuff. God damn it.

And our highest court was just barely able to grasp that concept in a five to four ruling. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. Casinos are close. They just got to stop fucking paying out. And then, then they'll be churches. They'd still be more fun. But yeah, yeah.

It'll look for the new restaurant chain, three guys, crackers and wine coming to a former church near you. Yeah. So the church is arguing that certain businesses like casinos and restaurants are allowed to operate at 50% capacity, which is way more than 50 people sometimes. But remember how we got excited about a law applying to a church just now? I do. Don't break that. Yeah. Well, that's because pretty much all those other ones do not apply to churches. And that's what the state of Nevada pointed out. They explained that casinos and restaurants are, you know, treated like grownups with consequences if they violate the safety rules and they don't have magical exemptions to those safety rules. those safety rules and police departments full of christian people don't refuse to enforce laws on casinos and restaurants yeah so yes the state needs to have different rules for entities that have different rules because those entities are fucking different well i don't know what the

state's gonna do without all those church tax oh you know what i found it i figured it out never yeah right yeah cut to a priest crumbling up his three guys crackers and wine logo yeah oh wait also it's not just churches that are limited to 50 people at a time museums and zoos for example have even stricter limits in some cases so the law didn't single out churches seems pretty fucking simple but that didn't stop Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Alito from calling this religious persecution in their dissenting opinions. Damn it. Gorsuch wrote, in Nevada, apparently it's better

to be in entertainment than religion. And again, yes. Right? Obvious. It's also better in the rest of the observable universe, asshole. These are legal scholars who don't seem to understand that a church can have several different words apply to it when you describe it for example you could say that a church is religious yes but you could also call it a building or useless to the economy there's so

many ways to describe a church. I mean, to be fair, Kavanaugh's a legal scholar who didn't understand that burning himself into the historical record by crying while he blamed Hillary Clinton for his sexual assault accusations was a bad idea. So that's the guy. But it does get a little better.

The story's got a little positive twist here at the end. This is my favorite part. The church's complaint was so fucking stupid it didn't even get dignified with an explanation the majority opinion was just no so good it's such a beautiful passive-aggressive slap in the face from rgb and her crew i love it right just like rbg did you just submit a crude drawing of Elena Kagan shoving a gavel up Kavanaugh's ass with one hand over his mouth is the majority opinion. Basically, let's just leave it blank. Let's leave it blank this time again. And in take me to your leader news with Texas seeing an unprecedented rise in coronavirus cases and deaths.

It's good to know that state representative Jonathan Strickland is focused on the right things. For example, tweeting about whether aliens can get into heaven without Jesus. I'm just picturing John Chow of the future just paddling a space canoe toward a remote island in Neptune right into a giant hail of laser beams. Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry sorry this whole space force thing is finally coming into focus all right i get it now regular listeners may remember

representative strickland for making some waves last year when he said that vaccines were sorcery well at 9 35 a.m on july 24th just as the lone star state passed its 11 000th death from the plague that besieges our nation strickland tweeted quote if aliens are real salvation through jesus is the only way they enter heaven hashtag tx ledge okay well it's about time somebody made it so i don't have to type out hashtag Texas legislator wisdom. I'm trying to educate myself on Twitter. Thank you, sir. Okay, two points I want to break down here.

First, I really, really love that he hedges his bets on aliens here. That he starts, if aliens are real. Right, yeah, no, wouldn't want to make any unevidenced assertions in his tweet about how to get the ghost that drives your body into the eternal paradise dimension or anything you gotta be he's cool with fictional jewish aliens like that's yeah right yeah and secondly and i think this might be the most baffling part of the tweet is the hashtag tx ledge which as far as i can tell is like an all-purpose hashtag for Texas legislature. So I can only assume this was Strickland's soft rollout

of some kind of alien indoctrination legislation. But, you know, based on the response, I'm guessing he shelved it. People of the Lone Star State obviously aren't ready. See, I thought that last part was just a translation into Neptunian or something. But your thing makes more sense. So I get it now. I get it.

And in Teach the Controversy news tonight, Joe Biden was right wrongly leading Christians to feel wronged righteously. In an online speech to the Million muslim vote summit biden endorsed teaching kids about islam in school which is correct right like just objectively we should do that about one human and four that's alive right now belongs to that religion so if you want to understand the world a basic understanding of islam is a prerequisite now he said a bunch of dumb bullshit in his justification because saying dumb bullshit is his fucking raison d'etre. But none of that is why Christians freak the fuck out about it. Have y'all seen this Mia Khalifa video? Let me get it up on old Uncle Joe's phone.

I'll show you. Oh, this girl works a pole like a South Georgian pollster. Let me show you. You're going to love this. Stacey Abrams got nothing on this kid. So first, the speech itself. Here's the relevant excerpt. Biden says, quote, I wish we taught more in our schools about the Islamic faith. I wish we talked about all the great confessional faiths. It's one of the great confessional faiths. And what people don't realize is one of my avocations is theology. don't realize is that we all come from the same root here in terms of our fundamental basic beliefs end quote that's right muslim voters we're all technically jewish biden 2020 okay i'm pretty sure he just used the word avocations there to

convince trump it's the definition of carbon. So well played. Fifth dimensional chess. I like it. Well, OK, so like obviously that's a problematic statement because it takes no account of the overwhelming number of Americans who either have no faith or have a non-Abrahamic one. Right. Like when he said we all he might just have been talking about himself in the Muslim audience he was talking to. But if you're going to be president, it's best if your conception of we all accounts for more than 73.5% of the country, regardless of who you're talking to.

Yeah, and that 26.5% is not locked in for Biden. There are like dozen of Republican atheists out there. You're exaggerating a bit. But of course, Christians were pissed about the wrong thing altogether. And because so many of them don't know the difference between teaching about and indoctrinating when it comes to religion, they freaked the fuck out and pretended that there was some double standard here. CBN news writer Deborah Bunting was livid over the remarks and published a screed claiming that biden wanted to teach islam in schools even though bibles and praying are banned which is both incorrect and irrelevant and then in a bit of self-parody she argued that islam should be excluded from the

confessional faiths because of i shit you not quote it's historical effort to dominate to the exclusion of all other religions end quote and now back to the entire network of programming we have dedicated to the king of kings ow did my sentence just punch me in the face circling back back fuck interesting all right next up in headlines aoc made ted yoho her fucking bitch last week oh that's good and i'll explain my you know somewhat obnoxious choice of language there just in case anyone hasn't heard the backstory last week while ocasio-cortez was walking up the steps of the capitol to cast a vote she got accosted by GOP Congressman Ted Yoho, who started harassing her and calling her names. Which, to be fair, that's exactly what his constituents in northern Florida expect from their adult representative in the Congress of the United States. So he's doing his job, I guess.

But then she started walking away and he called her exact quote fucking bitch and since then yoho made a a bullshit non-pology that that invoked his christianity somehow yeah he got an amazing scolding from aoc and his sad little career continued dying even faster than it already was so fun story you know for a group of people obsessed with making things like they were in the good old days when i was growing up if you called someone two years younger than your youngest daughter a fucking bitch someone punched you in the head till you fell asleep so i don't think that would have been nice also also i'm sorry but yo ho what kind of bullshit

acronym is that? I swear they're not even trying to hide the fact that it's a simulation anymore. It's like as soon as we came up with a theory, they're like, well, fuck. Cat's out of the bag. We might as well have some fun with it. Is that a copy of the same cat out of the same bag? Something's wrong with the Matrix. So the behavior from Yo-Ho's it's not even a little bit surprising honestly he's an old white conservative christian florida man yeah and the world is passing him by and he doesn't matter really and aoc is the engine doing the passing by so he's fucking furious also he has he has face gout. Yeah.

I'm not even sure if that's a thing, but if a gouty ankle was a face, it's Ted Yoho's face. It's like he has pot forehead, right? Pot seven head. And to make it even worse, he got forced into giving a mumbly apology on the house floor.

Like he stole from his mom's wallet. It was rough. He starts by explaining how he didn't say fucking bitch until after she walked away. Oh, well, I didn't say it to her face. I said it behind her back. Seriously, that was part of his apology. I'm a coward. Right. This is my opening

and from there he's just he's speed reading his prepared statement at this point and then he gets to the part that clearly said like in parentheses slow down and look sad for this part so he slows down and tries to look sad and he mentions that he was on food stamps in his 20s because that's that's relevant yeah what again he was reading that so fast before this moment because he's a child giving his first oral report so the slowdown was just comedically drastic and then he added quote i cannot apologize for my passion or for loving my God, my family, and my country. What? It must be so embarrassing to be a Christian in 2020 America, right?

Yeah. I would rethink my hobbies if he had been like, I cannot apologize for my passion, my love of close-up magic, my family, and my country. My passion, my love of close-up magic, my family, and my country. I'd be like, oh. This tactic is amazing because they keep doing this. Also, I will not apologize for my bipedalism or my face gout. Like, man, nobody was asking you to do that. It was the fucking bitch thing.

How did you not know? And one other fun detail ted yoho got forced to resign from the board of directors at a christian charity called bread for the world last week as well a christian charity told him dude you gotta dial back the misogyny that's not a good sign and just to be clear ted yoho hurled misogynist obscenities at a congresswoman and then accidentally explained that it's part of his christianity he explained that it's a feature not a bug without realizing it he's just walking down the steps of the capitol like minding his own business being like i love god i love god you fucking bitch sorry so actually you know, I love God. You fucking bitch!

Sorry. Actually, you know what? Sorry, not sorry. Sincerely held fucking bitch. Brett Kavanaugh does not get that joke. No, he does not. What are you? You just laugh at everything, I think.

And in they might be bigots news. Our nation is in a time of upheaval. Over 100,000 Americans are dead of what basically amounts to don't push the big red button-itis. Stormtroopers are kidnapping peaceful protesters off the streets. And God friended me got renewed for a second season. But amidst the chaos and confusion, amidst the sound and the fury, there's one piece of good news. Baseball is back. And it's gone again. That was fun.

That was fun. But how can baseball fans tell the difference between a postponement of the season and just waiting for that guy to throw another fucking pitch? They had to put a timer on that and it's still the slowest fucking sport ever created. God.

And it's back again. Well, no. Only half the Miami Marlins have the virus. It'll be fine. It's back again. They'll be playing in another week. Don't worry. Even the league couldn't tell. Now, I assume that scientists have discovered

that COVID, like the rest of us, is bored literally to death at baseball games and that makes it safe to play. However, the return of... Baseball's the vaccine, people. It's not worth it. I'm not getting it. I'm anti-vax.

No. Anyways, the return of America's national pastime is not without controversy. During this past Friday night's baseball game, while the majority of the San Francisco Giants took a knee in honor of Black Lives Matter and the fight against racism relief pitcher Sam Coonrod did not because spoiler alert he's a Christian yeah you

know what and I applaud him the more they admit it's just a synonym for bigot the quicker we can start to heal also they might be bigots is genius i just want to circle back to that that's very good yeah so speaking to the san francisco chronicles about his decision coonrod said quote i'm a christian i can't get on board on a couple of things i've read about black lives matter really how they lean towards marxism and said some negative things about the nuclear family. Okay. In related news, I will give Sam Coonrod a, well, mediocre blowjob if he can define Marxism. Also, dude, the kneeling is a protest against police brutality. So what you're really saying is if we don't brutalize them now and again, they're going to seize the means of production.

Like, what the fuck are you talking about? be fair that is in the book that's in the book he hasn't read the book he continued quote i meant no ill will by it i don't think i'm better than anybody i'm just a christian nope i believe i can't kneel before anything but god jesus christ i chose not to kneel. I feel if I did kneel, I'd be a hypocrite. I don't want to be a hypocrite. End quote. Cool.

Yeah. And then Kunrod proceeded to work on the Sabbath while wearing mixed fabrics. Yeah, right. He sure did. One last thing on this story, okay? And I know it's not particularly relevant, but if my name was a slur and a weapon, personally, I would be so sure I was at the forefront of social justice. Everyone should be woke, but if I were Dave Kikeback, I would be super sure I had my facts straight when it came to anti-Semitism. I'm just saying. Alright,

well, quick while I double check to see if Dave Kike Bat has entered the Georgia Senate race, we're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, Honey. Oh, and get more toilet paper. Alright, no problem. There we go.

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slash scathing that's joinhoney.com slash scathing honey stop flushing your money okay but that still doesn't explain why we're online shopping in the bathroom i mean why else would we shop online okay yeah fair point and in the bible news tonight just a quick reminder that while science is single-mindedly engaged in their indefatigable effort to save

the human race from this devastating epidemic religion is equally committed to whatever the opposite of that is right and i know we've talked about this shit a lot and i have a book coming out about it but so at this point it's no longer uncommon enough to call it news but i still think it's worth highlighting shit like 40 members of small alabama church have coped after mask free revival service. They're in the hospital getting CBR. Now that's what I call a revival. So, yeah, Warrior Missionary Baptist Church in Arab, please tell me it isn't pronounced A-Rab Alabama. There's no way it's 100% A-Rab Alabama. Probably, yeah. Anyway, so they decided that now was the

ideal time to hold a week-long revival with multiple services in which masks were not required. And though recommended, social distancing measures were not enforced. A week later, at least 40 members of the church

have tested positive for COVID-19. According to Pastor Daryl Ross, himself among the 40, quote, the whole church has got it just about, end quote. And a big thanks to the Miami Marlins for joining us at another revival. And just in case you thought that maybe this had chastened the church's leader or that they'd learned any damn thing at all from this,

let me disabuse you with a little more wisdom from Pastor Ross. Quote, we knew what we were getting into. We knew the possibilities. But my goodness, man, for three days, we had one of those old time revivals. It was unbelievable. And everybody you ask, if you talk to our church members right now, they tell you we do it again. It was that good.

End quote. You're not allowed to talk to any of them. Right. Yeah, exactly. Not adding. I mean mean obviously not the ones on ventilators they wouldn't say that because they can't but they might not like if you said it they would nod back it's pretty much the same thing plus what's a better way to end a revival than by meeting jesus in person yeah right yeah exactly special guest yeah so yeah a couple quick issues with that fucking quote.

The first is that you did not know what you were getting into. If you did, you're way ahead of medical science because it's still coming to grips with all the long term organ damage this disease can cause. Right. It's not just a fucking flu. And the second is it isn't just your congregants you're killing. All you're really saying is that you and your congregation don't give a fuck about the lives of the people around you. Turns out that golden rule breaks down when your entire religion is comprised of sociopathic assholes.

Yep. And in Small Lives Matter news. Fantastic. A group called Democrats for Life wrote a strongly worded letter to the DNC last week asking very respectfully if the party wouldn't mind adopting a platform of killing less babies, please. And then they went back to their booth at Contradiction Con next to the Republican atheists and divided stuff by zero for the rest of the day. So that was fun for them.

Racist. Meant it that way so the letter calls for an end to the pro-choice litmus test for democratic leaders that we apparently have and an end to quote abortion extremism such as taxpayer-funded abortion in america and overseas and it's done great now right yeah if you could all just take your seats next to the giant shrimps we can get abortion in America and overseas. And it's done. Great. Now, if you could all just take your seats next to the giant shrimps, we can get back to doing our thing.

I fucking love this anti-abortion tactic. It's like when Jeff Sessions introduced the Fetal Organ Harvesting Prohibition Act or whatever it was. It's like, I'd like to urge my opponent to sign this pledge promising to eliminate fetus juggling shows. Dude, nobody's doing that. Okay were hacky sacking it's one of the stupid it's a stupid comment it's a stupid bill so here's a few other key moments from the letter first of all it starts with quote inspired by the christian. And I was like, okay, boo, derivative, cover band. Probably should skip the rest of this.

But I read, I read on. And then it says that life begins at fertilization, followed by five different Bible citations to back that up. Like they were citing Supreme Court cases in italics. And also, having read the Bible myself, I was curious about this because I didn't remember anything about sperm and ova in the

Bible, so I checked on that. The closest thing I could find in their citations was Jeremiah 1-5, when King David says that God, quote, knit him together in his mother's womb. So, knitting cum is the thing that God, quote, knit him together in his mother's womb. So knitting cum is a thing that God does.

And that's a focal point of the mission statement at Democrats for Life. And from there, they claim that 95% of biologists affirm the biological view that life begins at fertilization. Fucking what? affirm the biological view that life begins at fertilization. Fucking what? Yeah, and God throws away more of his knitting projects than a millennial who bought the needles and yarn in March. I don't understand their point. Yeah, it wouldn't matter if the Bible said that

and the Bible doesn't say that, really. Also, no. Yeah, how are they always wrong to the second power like that? I don't understand yeah also the united states according to them allows late-term abortion just like north korea oh shit that's right i mean i feel like letting your people get eaten from the inside by worms isn't abortion per se but go off i I guess. Well, if the worms are in a pregnant lady, it can be.

You know what they are? Right. North Korea also ends in an A, like America. A lot of parallels. Legs. So, all that being said, before we wrap it up, I'm going to give Democrats for Life a little credit.

Actually, no, I'm not. Absolutely not. Good job. No, rethought that. I mean, I guess it's good to see a handful of anti-choice Christian people who haven't made themselves into single issue voters who support the party of Donald Trump. But still, fuck you. Oh, you want a cookie? Anti-Trump is a priori knowledge.

is a priori knowledge. And even if we pretend that well-placed ejaculate is people, the Democratic Party platform is pro way more lives than the Republican platform if you add them up. Right, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And in silver linings news, regular listeners to the show know that our headline segment is kind of like a sitcom about a dragon's proctologist office filled with hilarious and dangerous assholes and if there's one man who's been better described as a dragon with ibs's asshole than arkansas state senator jason rayford

i haven't heard of him oh all right but i don't think he should get to be the asshole of such a cool fantasy creature yes like i don't i don't want to nitpick but he should get to be the asshole of such a cool fantasy creature. Yes. I don't want to nitpick but he should be the asshole of one of those really badass D&D creatures but that they came up with at 3am that's just all ears or something like that. Yeah that's fair.

And you know what? I don't think he'd be an orifice as cool as a butthole. I don't think that's valid either. You know what? I don't even want to give him something as cool as an orifice of any kind. Orifices are cool. Yeah, it's fair. These are solid, solid criticisms. So regular listeners will remember Ray Bird for his ongoing legal battle to install a Ten Commandments monument outside of his state capital. But more recently, you might know him for calling COVID a liberal hoax and protective

measures like mask wearing tyrannical overreactions well this week he might have changed his tune because at least according to his facebook page he's in the hospital with covid 19 oh no such as stop oppressing yourself man man. Stop oppressing yourself. Yeah. So according to the statement on his Facebook page, Raper and his family have been, quote, doing our best to wear a mask, social distance and be careful like everyone else. This virus is serious and can attack anyone regardless of age or general health. They're doing their best like they might not succeed at putting a mask on their face yeah like they slip and fall sometimes when that happens for the face yeah turns out yes a bunch of masks fly everywhere there might be a better way i don't know yeah the mask winding up on this dragon's asshole i don't

understand yeah but as hemet meta over at the Friendly Atheist blog points out, no, he fucking hasn't. Right. Yes. He was a special guest at an indoor church service at the Sanctuary of Hope Church in Branson, Missouri, where not only did he speak to a congregation of unmasked parishioners while not wearing a mask himself, but he began his speech by giving the pastor an extra long back rubby hug. Okay, the wax buildup of the ear pile monster with IBS. Okay, yes.

There you go. Nailed it. Sorry, I was thinking about what he would do. I'm more willing to give him that title. I know a lot of people will say that while they disagree with what Ray Bird has said and done, they wish him well on the road to recovery. But if you wanted to hear from those people, you would have turned on their podcast. So

here's hoping he dies, right? Amen, brother. Here's hoping he dies, but first someone in his family gets it and dies so that he dies, only thinking about how he killed the one he loves. Okay, all right. That's how I hope he dies. Maybe I'll dial it back a little. Conflicted.

I don't know if I agree with Eli's last thing. And finally tonight, in MU nationalism news christian radio host and man who couldn't afford a toupee with the same color as his side hair rick wiles took to the airwaves no you're totally fooling us man isn't a sad like underfunded kindergarten crayon situation right yeah exactly anyway so he took to the airwaves to urge trump to use weapons banned by the 1899 hague convention against peaceful protesters in portland right other than the weapons banned by the 1899 hague convention that he's already using like additional ones more specifically the hollow point bullets what the fuck by the way the point of hollow point bullets is to explode inside a person

instead of going through them. It like expands and lodges. What the fuck? So Rick is really thinking that they'll have to shoot like just the antifas in the front? Is that right? Jesus. Yeah, exactly. Guys, guys, it's fine. It's fine. That bullet went right through my heart. Like right through. Did not lodge itself at all.

Keep murdering the cops. We're fine. As long as nobody mentions hollow point. Ah, fuck! No! Our greatest weakness. As long as nobody mentions hollow point. Ah, fuck. No. Our greatest weakness. Boiled by Rick Wiles again. So, okay.

So to report on this story, I had to dive into a crazy fucking rabbit hole and I'm going to take you on a quick guided tour. But first to quote, please tell president Trump that he is now in possession of Obama bullets, 2 billion Obama bullets. You're in possession of them now. You don't have to tolerate this anymore. They were purchased for the purpose of putting down an insurrection.

Well, you have one. So put the hollow point bullets to good use and get out there and put down this communist revolution so the rest of us can live our lives peacefully. Really? End quote. Incredulous pronunciation of peacefully added. Yeah, I mean, to get this kind of crazy, you usually have to go to the op-ed section of the New York Times. End quote. Incredulous pronunciation of peacefully added. But yeah. Yeah.

I mean, to get this kind of crazy, you usually have to go to the op-ed section of the New York Times. Well, right. Yeah, honestly. You know, Tom Cotton read this story and was like, fuck hollow points. Hollow points. Okay. Siri, take note. Always talk to Rick Wiles about your op-eds before you send them out.

He has good ideas. Sending you a weather. So yeah, the whole bomb of bullets thing, I had to look this up. It refers back to a 2013 conspiracy theory that Alex Jones hyped up after seeing a five-year contract the DHS signed for bullets and thinking, man, why

would you need that many bullets? As though all five years worth were going to be set in giant pallets the next day and and who gives a shit right i heard one conspiracy well but i wanted to bring it up because these conspiracy theorists are admitting a lot now that they've got a fellow kook in the white house right they like they they shifted gears from like oh no they're going to shoot american citizens with hollow point bullets to keep them from protesting to we should really shoot american citizens with hollow point bullets to keep them from protesting, too. We should really shoot American citizens with hollow point bullets to keep them from protesting on a fucking dime. Interesting. Right.

So this is just yet another piece of evidence in my increasingly convincing theory that Alex Jones has a laboratory somewhere filled with frogs named after their ratings on the Kinsey scale. Yeah, but that could just be an experiment in hoping to find a sentient life form that'll fuck him. Oh, I'm sure it is. I'm not saying that. Yeah, right, right. And now that we've implanted the image of Alex Jones's frog sex laboratory slash torture dungeon in your head, I think our headlines have served their purpose. Heath,

Eli, thanks as always. Steve McKnife. And when we come back, we'll remind our homebound listeners what month it is again i don't know maybe we could make a sourdough starter okay what is that though i think it's a smelly jar that turns into bread eventually i don't hey. Hey, guys. What you doing? Nothing, man. We're so bored. Yeah, Heath. How do you stand it? Oh, adamandeve.com. What's adamandeve.com?

They're the number one adult toy superstore because the best part of staying at home is playing at home. I mean, Heath, don't get me wrong. Nothing against adult toys,

but I don't think Adam and Eve has stuff for us, do they? Oh, they sure wrong, nothing against adult toys, but I don't think Adam and Eve has stuff for us, do they? Oh, they sure do, Eli. For instance, do you have one of these? I do not. Huh, exactly. Or what about one of these?

No way, those exist? They sure do. And Adam and Eve is letting our listeners choose almost any one item for 50% off. Wait, so you're telling me I could get that? That, yep. For half off. For half off. But that's not all.

When you do, you'll also get 10 free boredom-busting gifts, including six spicy movies, a three-piece bonus kit, and best of all, free shipping delivered discreetly right to your door. Just remember to use offer code SCATHING. That's SCATHING at checkout. I mean, I do want one of those. All right, then go to adamandeve.com and use that offer code SCATHING. All right, Heath. Thanks.

No problem. Hey, do you think if we poured the sourdough starter into one of those? No, no, no, no. No, no, do not do that. Okay, okay. Okay. starter into one of those no no no do not do that okay okay okay 2020 hasn't given anybody much to celebrate and religion has probably given us the least to celebrate of any damn thing so you might say it owes us one which is why we're here to appropriate a few more religious holidays in this month's installment of the holiday buffet this is the segment where we break down a few

upcoming holidays from various religions as a reminder that when you're an atheist you get all the holidays you want and none of the muslim ones so i'm gonna open up this week with the wiccan holiday lunasa and, that's the goddamn pronunciation. It's a Gaelic word. Really? Yeah. And by law, all of those have to have a G and a bunch of unnecessary H's and G's. But it's pronounced Lunasa not Lugnasad,

Lufinsad, Lugian salad or any of the other kabillion ways I've heard people murder the word. And no, it is not one of those, but uses, determines pronunciation things because it's literally the goddamn gaelic word for august so bunch of hippies appropriating without bothering to learn the pronunciation doesn't get to decide all right so teenage noah 100 had this argument with a bunch of people and then was like all right now let's jerk off onto these candles well you don't jerk off onto the candles. Anyway, so, okay.

Where's the cookie? What we're commemorating. That time when the pagan goddess... Okay, I made fun of pronunciation. I have no fucking idea. Tail-tue? Tail-tue? Tail-tue?

Tail-tue. Tail-tue. Tail-tue. Yeah, there you go. She died of exhaustion from clearing the plains of Ireland for agriculture, and her son Lou didn't want to cancel his big sports tournament that weekend so he said that they were funeral sports in honor of his mom. Ah, the Heathenwright story.

Spoiler. We had a tournament. We're taking it seriously. Whatever. In honor. Where it's celebrated. Ireland and places where people who have never been to Ireland suddenly have Irish accents if they sing folk music. Okay, that is a very real affliction.

That happens. When it's celebrated. August 1st. Best aspect. Listening to hippies try to pronounce Lunasa. Worst aspect. to hippies try to pronounce lunas worst aspect listening to people who belong to an 81 year old religion complain about the guy with the 2 000 year old religion ripping off their thing how it's celebrated so lunas is an ancient gaelic custom that's written about in some of the earliest

irish literature but we really don't know all of like the stuff about how it was celebrated we know certain elements of it but for a celebration that's changed over time and lasted for at least several thousand years, that isn't saying much. The central aspect, though, seems to at least at one point have been athletic competitions, and because it's Irish, I have no doubt that the competitions were things like long ways log rolling and rock punching. The modern versions of which are getting Steve back to his car and drywall punching.

Okay, racist. I mean, it's accurate, but that doesn't mean it's not racist. It was also apparently a popular day to announce new laws, set illegal disputes, and draw up contracts because apparently somebody left ancient Irish Andrew alone with the brainstorming list after everybody else was done. There's also a tradition called trial marriage

that sounds an awful lot like fucking for a while and seeing how it goes. There's also an old custom of climbing up hills or mountains on that day, which is definitely a sweet theme for a holiday, in my opinion, just maybe not an August one. I mean, all marriages are trial marriages if you think about it.

Yeah, that's true. Okay, finally, a little, a motto divergent sentiment on the show. I feel seen. Thank you. There you go. So some of this survives into the modern day. A few of the modern hikes

were turned into Christian pilgrimages along the way to remain popular. There are also a few Irish fairs that trace their roots back to the ancient Lunasa festivals, and there's the neo-pagan version, which is basically just hippies doing whatever the fuck they want and calling

it Lunasa, or however close to the correct pronunciation they bother to get. Here's how the Wikipedia editors diplomatically phrase that, by the way, quote, some neo-pagans try to emulate the historical festival as much as possible while others base their celebrations on many sources the gaelic festival being only one of

them end quote that's about as close as those nerds get to saying i don't fucking know they make some stuff up they jerk off onto candles yeah right all right next up we have the shinto and buddhist holiday of obon or bone what we're commemorating the spirit of one's dead ancestors doing their annual visit to the family death cabinet huh that's a that's a thing shinto and buddhist families often have a death cabinet called a bootsadon you mean like Alex Azar, a secretary of health and human services during a pandemic death cabinet or like a physical cabinet? Similar. Similar. Yeah. Where it's celebrated. Mostly in Japan, but also anywhere with a major Shinto or Buddhist community, including a pretty big celebration in Hawaii that lasts like a whole season worth.

When it's celebrated. As with most old-timey religious holidays, the answer to that question is a yelly feud about who would win in a fight, the sun or the moon. It's clearly the sun, but the moon people will not let it go. And thanks to those two warring factions, there are three different times for bone. Oh, come on, damn it. There's Shichigatsubon, which translates to

bone in fucking July, assholes. Does someone obviously destroy the moon in a fight? That one's based on the solar calendar and happens on July 15th. The most common version is Hachigatsubon, which means bone in August and the moon rules all, but we're not using a moving calendar like a bunch of idiots. So August 15th. And there's also Kyubon, which means old bone and moves around between

August 8th and September 7th because they use a lunar calendar like a bunch of idiots. So there's two groups of moonsiders? There's like old timey racists in the alt-right of the moon and yimp fans? Yeah, that's about right. Alright. Best aspect. Beautiful ancient

culture of music and dance, blah blah blah. But most importantly, it's part of Karate Kid 2. Oh, right. Yeah, that finale was so fucked. They never show us the last half of her dance. What a disappointment. Yeah, right. The live or die, wrong honk thing kind of cuts in.

Love that movie. Worst aspect. The origin story is terrifying. The word Obon is a shortened form of the Sanskrit word Ulambana, which means hanging upside down in a torture device. Wow. True story.

I was going to make a joke about how fucked up a language would need to be to have that word. And then I remembered defenestration is a word. And so I didn't. We had a dedicated word for window throwing. Yeah. word and so i didn't we had a dedicated word for window throwing yeah and the buddhist tradition is based on the story of a disciple of the buddha named mokuran who had a magical power that let him see his dead mother in the afterlife so he used the power and he saw mom getting tortured in the realm of hungry ghosts which is way less adorable than it sounds.

It's basically just eternal Gitmo for dead people with extreme hunger, extreme thirst, and upside down hanging from hanging devices. So Makuran goes to Buddha and says, okay, first of all, that power was a dick move if that was you who gave me that power. Also, how do I get my mom out of that realm? And Buddha tells him to make offerings to all the Buddhist monks who just got back from their summer retreat. So Makuran offers them stuff, makes offerings, and his mom gets released. He also learns the true selfless nature of his amazing mom, who also somehow got banished to a waterboarding afterlife realm. He ignores that highly problematic lesson and starts dancing with joy about mom being free.

And that dance of joy became the bone odori or bone dance. Amazing how often the key to solving religious problems is giving valuable shit to religious leaders, isn't it? Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Also, I love that Wikipedia includes that the monks just got back from vacation. Yeah, what? For a tan, they want to show them the slides. They got back from a monk retreat.

Not fun. Yeah. Done that a few times. How it's celebrated. The celebration is heavily based on dancing, that Bonadori bone dance. But it's not absolutely terrible like it sounds when I say heavily based on dancing. And that's because the dancing is pretty simple and it's generally all in unison. So, you know, those like dancing people that dance at fucking weddings and stuff and do all their dancey stuff. Those people can't really show off and eventually encircle Heath on dance floor and plunge me into my nightmare.

So that's nice. Even Ralph Macchio can learn to do the basic moves as we saw during Karate Kid 2 when he's in Okinawa and falling in love with Kumiko. This was a major part of my sexual development, by the way. Sorry, Karate Kid 2 or being embarrassed at the center of a dance circle. I don't think there's an or there yet. So most bone festivals involve a big all night party of dancing and food. But I celebrate by having a very sexual, personal rewatching of Karate Kid 2 on VHS taped off of TV with the commercials included. There you go.

All right. And we're going to close things out with Onam. What we're commemorating. One or more Hindu legends. Where it's celebrated. India.

When it's celebrated. The 22nd Nakshatra Tir Udvonam in the Malayalam calendar month of Chingum. That was so close. You almost got all those letters in there. Nice. Thank you.

You got them all in, but you added some also. That's the thing. Letters go rogue. Best aspect. Tiger King LARPers and flower carpets. Worst aspect. Garbage leaf dinner. And this from a man who forces me to take

a 40 goddamn minute drive each way to eat garbage leaf dinners every time we travel. So you know it's going to be bad. Okay, that's not an exaggeration though. Eli literally chose a restaurant called Dirt Candy for his birthday last year.

It's delicious. It's actually a really good restaurant, but still. It's called Dirt Candy for his birthday last year. Delicious. It's actually a really good restaurant, but still, it's called Dirt Candy. How it's celebrated. So, Onam is one of the three major annual Hindu celebrations. Specifically, it's the Harvest Festival. It's a celebration of Hindu legends, just

generally, but chief among them is the story of Mahabali. So, Mahabali is the great great grandson of a Brahmin sage who, in turn, was is the story of Mahabali. So Mahabali is the great, great grandson of a Brahmin sage who in turn was the great grandson of a demon. So Mahabali is like one 16th demon. You know, he was just unbearable about that. Just always pronouncing everything in the authentic demon. Oh yeah, absolutely. No question. Dude, relax, we're at Olive Garden. Yeah, so Mahabali takes over three worlds by defeating the Devas, which are like

bitch-ass gods in Hindu mythology who mostly serve the purpose of getting their asses kicked and running to one of the big powerful gods for help, which they do. They run to Vishnu and they're like, help Vishnu, we got our asses kicked again! But Vishnu, he doesn't want to help them because one, fuck the Devas,

and two, Mahabali is his devotee. So he decides instead to test Mahabali's loyalty. So Mahabali is celebrating his victory over the bitch-ass gods and declares that while he's making his sacrifices to thank Vishnu, anybody can ask him for anything. I love that he's taking a fucking victory lap around beating the tutorial part of Hindu legends, right? Everybody beats those guys. Dial it back, dude.

So Vishnu jumps into his fifth avatar, a dwarf boy called Vamana. In the future, maybe we reword stuff like that so it sounds a little less Catholic priest-y. Fair, fair, yeah. So Vamana gets to the front of the line. Mahabali's like, okay, kid, what do you want? Gold, jewels, elephants. Yeah. So Vamana gets to the front of the line. Mahabali is like,

okay, kid, what do you want? Gold, jewels, elephants for some reason? Vamana is like, nope. All I want is the land I can cross in three steps. So Mahabali looks at this dwarf kid and he's like, sure, kid, go nuts. At which point Vamana turns into a giant and crosses all three worlds in just two steps. But right before he's about to take his third step, Mahabali puts his head under his foot and says, look, if you're going to take my kingdom, you might as well step on my head and kill me while you're at it. Which Vamana does.

What? But Vishnu is so impressed by Mahabali's willingness to get his head squished that he grants him the boon of coming back to see all the stuff he would have been king of if he hadn't stepped on his head oh lucky him i guess that's the no but i'll let you watch me play my nintendo of boons now otom is celebrated in a bunch of awesome ways there is a boat race which based on the videos i saw YouTube, has very lax safety and entry requirements. Really? That is correct. There's a video of it on YouTube, and if you like American

gladiators, you will love this boat race. It's insane. There's like a guy with a flamethrower guitar on the front of the boat. It's like Mad Max with canoes. Looks fun. There's a parade and flower carpets, which are super cool, but they look time-consuming as fuck. There's a tiger dance, whereets which are super cool but they look time consuming

as fuck there's a tiger dance where everyone paints themselves to look like a tiger and dance dance yes they dance yeah and unfortunately onam also includes the onam sadhya or onam feast which is a nine course meal of the grossest looking mush i have ever seen served on a banana leaf. And I'm vegan, like Noah said. So, you know, if I judge your banana leaf mush, it looks bad. Eli is a sommelier of this thing we're looking at. He posted a picture of it on the notes here.

Right, yeah. And of the 13 items on that list, there are four that I can say definitively are not baby shit. Only four. And one of those, by the way, is a silver cup. Yeah. And a second one is clearly a baby shit scoop by Tostitos.

Right. Exactly. It looks like a cat went to dinner with Eli on his birthday and vomited after each course. Yes. Yes, it does. That is what it looks like. So, yeah. Weird dinner aside,

Onam is kind of India's Christmas, i.e. even non-Hindus join in because there's only so long you can lie about how much more fun it is to get eight nights of presents. Now, over the last few years, Muslim and Christian leaders in India have made a big stink about not doing Onam stuff,

but just like in the United States, everyone kind of gets a Hanukkah bush anyway and tells them to fuck themselves. All right. Well, here's hoping we found something useful for you in this segment this month. Obviously, it's hard to celebrate holidays when you're social distancing,

but we kept that in mind. So we offered up holidays celebrated by hiking, jerking off to 80s movies, and eating baby shit on a leaf. All things you can do alone. You're welcome before we convert this shit to mp3 tonight i wanted to remind you that the first of three episodes i guested on over at philosophers in space is out thomas aaron and i discussed

neil stevenson's anathema and the way more philosophy crammed into that book than i thought there was that's again there's a three-parter we'll have part one linked on the show notes for this episode anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptocrat debuting at 7 a.m eastern on monday an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously I don't get to stop working today if I haven't thanked

Heath Enright for his wisdom and strength, Lucinda Lusions for her intelligence and charisma, and Eli Bosnick for his dexterity and constitution are the ones that are left, so sure. Incidentally Lucinda will be back with more misogyny next week, but we're navigating the border of the fifth and first worst pandemic states

in the Union with an immunocompromised curmudgeon to take care of. So needless to say, she's got a lot going on in the moment. She misses you too. I also want to thank Chris from Phoenix for providing this week's Farnsworth quote back when being in Phoenix was nowhere near as terrifying a proposition. But most all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Gabe, Paul, Grant, Brian, Mitch, Scotch, Lubricated Heathen, Jazzy Bear, and Zaggy? Sorry if I got your name terribly wrong there. Gabe, Paul, and Grant, whose cocks are even longer than 20-20. Brian, Mitch, and Scotch, Lubricated Heathen, who are bright enough to wash out x-rays.

And Jazzy Bear and Zaggy, whose IQs have Greek letters and shit in them. Together, these eight amiable atheists aided our aims of egging on the agents of Abraham this week by giving us money. Egging, it counts. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd

like to help with money's too expensive to spend on free shit, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review. Tell your friend about the show or following at PIA T-Pod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson, Hans, our social media, our audio engineers, Morgan Clark. We'll also read all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info

on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Is it just me or does it sound like Eli is speed skating? I heard some speed skating. Yeah, I wouldn't have used speed. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.