The Scathing Atheist - 391: Wet Ass P-Word Edition

Episode Date: August 13, 2020

In this week’s episode, god gives America the executive overreachearound, we learn that vaginal moisture is anti-Christian persecution, and — speaking of which — Don Ford will be here to moisten some vaginas. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Trump Adviser Claims the Lord “Created Executive Orders Because of Partisan Bickering”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/09/trump-adviser-the-lord-created-executive-orders-because-of-partisan-bickering/ Jerry Falwell, Jr. is Taking an “Indefinite Leave of Absence” from Liberty U. https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/07/jerry-falwell-jr-is-taking-an-indefinite-leave-of-absence-from-liberty-u/ Joe Biden is gonna hurt god and the bible: https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-says-biden-will-hurt-god-hurt-the-bible-1040799/ Leader of Christian Athletes Group: We Must “Ban Black Lives Matter From Sports”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/07/29/leader-of-christian-athletes-group-we-must-ban-black-lives-matter-from-sports/ Conservatives Want to “Cancel” Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s Song "WAP": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/09/conservatives-want-to-cancel-cardi-b-and-megan-thee-stallions-song-wap/ Ben Shapiro does a reading of the lyrics to "WAP": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDEJV4fJRFs A Statue of Evangelist Billy Graham Will Soon Go Up in the U.S. Capitol: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/08/a-statue-of-evangelist-billy-graham-will-soon-go-up-in-the-u-s-capitol/ Dave Daubenmire loses shit over AirBNB review, and it’s glorious: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/11/christian-bigot-flips-out-after-airbnb-guests-review-tells-people-who-he-is/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Pastor: Satan is neutering men: https://www.christianpost.com/news/tony-evans-warns-men-are-domesticated-neutered-as-satan-seeks-to-destroy-biblical-manhood.html The more anti-abortion the state, the less aid they offer to women and children: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/05/study-most-anti-abortion-states-offer-least-support-for-women-and-families/

Warning, Ben Shapiro ain't heard nothing yet. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HIMSS and by Salt-Rite brand vaginal desiccant. Salt-Rite, because you don't want it to get all mildewy, right? And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Dancing Safaka, and despite what my doctor recently told me, we did in fact all evolve from filthy monkey men. By the way, he's not my doctor anymore. It's Thursday. It's August 13th.

And it's National Publisher E-Book Month. Noah. I'm getting to it. I'm Noah Lujans. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Bruce Springsteen's New Jersey. Cincinnati swing state. Good husband, Georgia. This is

The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, God gives America the executive overreach around. We learn that vaginal moisture is anti-Christian persecution. And speaking of which, Don Ford will be here to moisten some vaginas. But first, the diatribe.

There's a nifty trick that books on new age mysticism poll that religious apologists and leaders will be familiar with. See, to an outsider, it might seem hard to sell somebody on the idea of magic, right? Because eventually they'll probably follow the magical recipe and realize that they didn't do anything. Of course, anybody who's familiar with how religion works knows that doesn't do the trick. But when you're still trying to wean somebody onto your beliefs, you can't count on the motivated reasoning that they're going to need to play along. So the first step is to create a whole bunch of time sensitive barriers for entry. For example, if you wanted to wiccan magic, you'll first need a set of consecrated magical tools, right? And you can't buy those at consecratedmagicaltools.com or something. Whenever possible, you have to make them yourself. So before you can expect your magical spells to work,

you have to handcraft a wand, a cup, a metal disc with a pentagram on it, and a knife. Make your own knife. And just in case that's not intimidating enough, you're also supposed to sew up your own robe and make your own altar, incense burner, offering bowl and candle holders. Oh, and if possible, your own incense and candles. But you're not done yet. There's still much more work to be done because at this point, all you got is a bunch of homemade crap. It's not magical homemade crap yet. So now you have to consecrate it. And if you think that's going to be a simple process, you clearly don't understand the point of this exercise. You see, magical tools or I'm sorry, if you're trying to sound more badass, magical weapons can only be consecrated during a full moon.

And you can't consecrate more than one at a time. So even if you haul ass through the process of making your stuff, it's still going to take you three full lunar cycles to prepare for it. But wait, there's more. Because at the same time as you're preparing your elemental weapons, you also have to master those elements, right? I mean, what good is the wand of fire if you can't magically control spiritual fire, right? So you'll also often find that you have this long list of meditations and whatnot that you have to do before you can properly wield even a consecrated weapon. And once you're done with all that, you need to wait one more lunar cycle and then you'll be ready to undergo full initiation and then you'll be able to do magic.

Now, that's not the end of the con, but it's worth pausing for a second to examine what we've done. First of all, we filtered out almost everybody right even if you honestly wanted to go through all this bullshit most people would at some point give up or forget or move on before they got through the whole process so with each passing moon phase the system weeds out the people who aren't committed to the shit you've also rooted out all the people that were looking for results right because like if you wanted the end result of the magic, you almost certainly realize along the way through all of this shit that there's a less time-consuming, non-magical way

to get whatever it is you're after. And at the same time that the system is weeding out all of the window shoppers, it's also giving itself plenty of time to give its prospective adherent the hard sell. Sure, you may have gotten into this thing because you heard you'd be able to manipulate the forces of nature with hand gestures and a stick. But while you're here anyway, getting ready for all that, let me tell you about all this great oneness of nature and cultural appropriation that comes along with it. So let's say you, like me, were dumb enough to actually jump through every single one of those hoops.

Like me, you probably fucked it up once or twice. You forgot to do a meditation. You had to start over. You missed a full lunar cycle along the way or two. So now you're five, six, eight months into this shit, if not a full year. You finally got all your magic weapons consecrated. You're ready to go. You're fully initiated according to the ancient rites.

You're dressed in your magical garb. You've opened your circle. You've banished any nearby demons. You've invoked the elementals to watch over you. And now it's time to finally do some magic. And nothing happens. Nothing. Literally, absolutely.

You don't see anything. You don't feel anything. You don't perceive anything on a spiritual plane. You've spent six to 12 months dedicated to absolutely nothing and you're suddenly faced with a choice to either admit that you have been conned or pretend that you did feel a little something there for just a second to aid you in that latter choice of course the spells that you're offered in the books all have pretty ambiguous results or at least they have results that are entirely subjective right so like at best the spell might like tell you that you'll feel a presence or hear a voice or see a glowing pentagram

in the air all internal stuff you know it's never going to warm a cubic centimeter of water by one degree celsius or anything like that And if the nature of the spell demands a tangible result, i.e. you're doing a spell to bring about rain, there's going to be some prominent reminder that all you can do is affect the probability that there will be rain. And come on, this is your first time out of the gate doing magic. Did you really think you were going to summon up a Nor'easter? It's better to spend a few years practicing up on those feel a presence type spells before you tackle something that big again huh now other religions have their own version of these things of course most of them have the sense to make vaguer claims about their magic that can be

waved away with excuses like god doesn't answer every prayer but one way or the other they're relying on this same concept the idea that by the time you actually have to use the religion, you're going to be too committed to it to admit that it didn't work. When it comes time for Christianity to actually comfort you about the death of a loved one, it's going to fail. But the religion survives because by then it's too much of a part of your personality and your identity for you to easily part with it. It's the same tendency that keeps so many con artists out of trouble. People are too embarrassed to admit that they got duped. Look, there are a lot of ways that religion uses shame

to control and maintain their disciples. They're so damn good at it that they've even managed to weaponize the shame you feel for being dumb enough to fall for their religion. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the bacon and lettuce to my tomato, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready for me to BLT you up?

As long as you ask if you may-o. Okay. I mean, okay, so I'm obviously bacon. I get that part. But Eli being lettuce is confusing. You know what I mean, okay, so I'm obviously bacon. I get that part. But Eli being lettuce is confusing. You know what I mean? No, yeah, he should really be the tomato of the group. I get it.

I feel like Eli is and is not lettuce, like really strongly on both sides. It's like a hard... It's the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me. It's part positive. In our lead story tonight, Donald Trump and the republican party would love to help unemployed people not starve right now but if everyone gets a little too unstarvy it makes

me did not become addicted to water it's tricky there's a fine line between eating food and of course government overreach and that's why the president decided to bypass Congress with a series of four executive actions last week based on the theme of underreach. Or put more simply, let's be honest, he held a campaign rally that technically wasn't a campaign rally because he signed his name four times to technically government things. campaign rally because he signed his name four times to technically government things and according to one of trump's official advisors this was all made possible thanks to god who invented executive orders at least they're not saying he's the one that signed him yet right and say what you will about god but at least he didn't promise the Israelites would provide 20% of the manna. We'll get there. So we learned about the metaphysical origin of executive orders from White House advisor Peter Navarro during his interview on Meet the Press last weekend.

Here's the timeline of events, according to Navarro. God created the light and the dark and the plants and the animals. of events according to navarro god created the light and the dark and then the plants and the animals and at some point during one of those six days that god worked in his entire life god also secretly created executive orders and never mentioned it to anybody weird and then fast forward to the late 1700s and the founding fathers also created executive orders. But God helped, you know, like shake and bake, so they let him sign the card. According to Navarro, quote, the Lord and the founding fathers created executive orders

because of partisan bickering and divided government. Yeah, God, the lazy guy assigned to the team project of history. Yeah, definitely. It blows me away when Republicans talk about partisanship. It's like if Darth Vader gave a speech about how the rebels won't compromise. All right. So let's talk about these underreaching executive actions. Now, in fairness, one of the directives might actually help. It's the one that extends the pause on student loan payments and interest. But in terms of everything else he did,

Trump basically reached for the pandemic relief dinner bill and suddenly had tons of little dragon arms to go with his tiny little baby hands. He just couldn't quite grab the bill. But he was able to half-assedly reach for his wallet for a few seconds, and he actually offered to go Dutch with state government. He did. He's offering to reinstate the supplemental unemployment benefit,

but this time with only $400 a week instead of $600, and really only $300 with state governments required to pay for the additional $100. And if your state can't afford that and you're unemployed in that state, you get zero this is going to make sure badly managed states get phased out of the economy and hopefully get replaced by more efficient new states i guess just like god intended after taking econ 101 and that's it then inventing executive orders yeah luckily all the states that love Trump are famous for their smooth running governments and their care for the poor. So I'm sure.

Right. No, they should be fine. Yeah. So Trump also took executive inaction with an extended deferral of the payroll tax. Just for the record, that's the tax that pays for Social Security and Medicare. So hopefully nothing pops up to affect the senior citizen population. Yeah, right. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Either way, for anyone making less than $104,000 a year, the payroll tax is being deferred for the rest of 2020. And thanks to Trump, that does include people making $0 because they're unemployed. Those people will also be free of that tax this year. So they can rest easy thanks to Trump and God. Well, but it'll be deferred, right?

It's not going to be forgiven. The one fucking tax deferment of all time that even congressional Republicans looked at and said, well, that's fucking stupid. I don't want that. And the last executive inaction from Trump that we haven't mentioned yet it deals with the moratorium on evictions that ended in july the new order did not reinstate that moratorium

it just says the government is allowed to continue thinking about this right yes that's what it says so i don't know Yeah, federal thoughts and prayers to the unemployed and soon-to-be homeless. Fucking great. That's an executive action that happened. Behold the power of the almighty, everybody. And in fall badly news, homophobic,

well done, transphobic, pool boy sharing, wife swapping, embezzling, negligently homicidal con man Jerry Falwell Jr. has finally been removed from his position at Liberty University this week for taking a photo with his pants on. Yes.

Hey, so you guys want to hear a story about something that happened at my job? I saw Jerry Falwell Jr.'s fupa in a professional capacity. That happened in my life. It's like he's raising a baby kangaroo in there. It just all went to the fupa. Yes. After a long tenure of none of the things I just listed

before the fupa exposure mattering at the antonymally named academy, what finally brought Falwell down was a picture he posted on Instagram of his arm around a woman that wasn't his wife

holding a glass of wine. Liberty University as a contradiction to Liberty. Yeah. Got it. In acronym. Yeah.

Thank you. Now, according to Falwell, the picture was part of a trailer park boys theme party and he posted it with the caption, more vacation shots, lots of good friends visited us on the yacht. I

promise that's just black water in my glass. It was prop only. Okay. Alright, it's fine if you don't drink at the party or don't drink at all. Do whatever you want. But you purchased black food coloring to make a prop drink? And you went with a pint glass of fake Jägermeister?

Or like a pint of Kahlua Neat? That's insane. Also, I'm sorry, but black water means toilet waste. It sure does. Okay? If you decide to color your waffles blue, you still have to come up with a new name for it. Yeah, so

good news as this is, let me be the first to say it, this may not be the last we see of Falwell. In the meantime, and I think I am the first person in history to say this willingly, I will be loosening the button on Trump's pants the first chance I get. And in, ow, my

Corinthians news tonight, I'm so excited for this story. Oh my God. So we were reminded again last week of the one upshot of the Trump presidency, the fact that he's too stupid for pretense. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't come close

to offsetting the generational damage he's done to our judiciary, the tens of thousands of dead people that would be alive under a competent administration or the longstanding damage he's done to our international reputation. But it's kind of nice to hear somebody too dumb to make the immigrants depress wages arguments have to explain why he doesn't want Mexicans in his country without using a slur, right? And we were reminded of that once again last week when Trump tried to deploy the democratic governance will be detrimental to your religious freedoms argument and it came out as, quote, no religion, no anything, hurt

the Bible, hurt God, he's against God, end quote. Amazing. He speaks almost entirely in like cold opens to conversations nobody was having. Right. Yes. Like I know he said words before that and after that, but they don't make it better.

No, there's no. You can't make context out of them. Okay. You guys laugh, but it's quotes like that that have put him through the roof among the caveman Tarzan demographic. Yeah. No, it's like that fucking skit with frankenstein and tarzan and yeah so so this claim came of course on a goddamn thursday during a speech in every time of course ohio and follows in the same vein as the biden is

against windows attacks that have marked his real election strategy thus far. That's real. No, it didn't just make a crazy example. Biden's against Windows. No, literally Trump said that. Yep, yep, yep. It came right after he said, by the way, that Biden would both double and triple your taxes. Oh, really? Yeah, but he didn't say which order he'd do it in. So who knows?

Oh, all right. Trump's puzzling that shit out right now. Hold on. Which would be more intelligent? And of course, that was right before he said that biden was against energy i guess he's pro heat death of the universe and honestly you know what at this point that's great so am i i'm glad we're on the same page i guess abolishing windows wasn't so crazy after all was it i mean to be fair against energy is a great way to describe kamala harris

so maybe he's on to something i don't know all right but unfortunately trump's characterization of biden's position is wrong right as much as i'd love to watch biden give god a good spanking one of the worst things about biden other than his failure to be elizabeth warren and always is that he's a bit of a zealot his campaign released a scathing rebuttal of the attack, reminding American voters that he's the actual religious one. While, quote, Donald Trump is the only president in our history to have tear gassed peaceful Americans and thrown a priest out of his church just so he could profane it and a Bible for his own cynical optics as he sought to tear our nation apart at a moment of crisis and pain end quote which is a bummer for us here at the scathing atheist because we were really hoping

biden would run on a platform of tear gassing a priest and throwing americans out of the church so he's so close yeah yeah fucking trump teased us motherfucker so yeah as fragile and prone to attack from random lesbians and leftists as their omnipotent being is, it looks like he's going to be safe under President Biden. And in whack lives matter news, president of the Christian sports ministry for wins. Steve McConkie took to Christian Newswire, the website version of your aunt Kathy's email forwards, to call for a ban on Black Lives Mattering in sports. And lest you think I'm exaggerating, Yeah, like literally. the name of the post is literally

Ban Black Lives Matter from sports. Jesus Christ. Well, I can't speak for all sports, but Black Lives Mattering would fuck football, all up, boxing too. All the lives. So regular listeners to the show may remember McConkie for thinking as smoothly as his name

sounds, for the fact that his organization sounds so very much like a fart joke, or perhaps for the time he demanded all Olympic athletes sign a faith statement against homosexuality, or perhaps for the time he demanded all Olympic athletes sign a faith statement against homosexuality, or perhaps for the time he claimed that the atheist Gestapo was ending Christianity in sports.

We've talked about this guy. Atheist Gestapo, exact words. You might also remember him for looking like a Dick Tracy villain who always just got punched in the face on one side. He does. In claymation. Yeah. So McConkie is back to show those

out-of-work Cirque du Soleil performers how putting your foot all the way down your throat is done. In an op-ed that reads like two KKK members playing racist Twitter scategory. Well, you do get bonus points in scategories for using several N-words in a row. I guess I'm not surprised by that.

So he opens by saying, quote, we have an epidemic in sports called Black Lives Matter, BLM. A very small percentage. We got it. The letters. Thanks. A very small percentage of policemen

have created situations that need addressed. Sick. However, the extreme reaction through BLM is dangerous. End quote. Extreme reaction. He's talking about extreme kneeling. Yep. I'm just going to place my

knee on the ground here. Extreme. I'm Colin Kaepernick. What the fuck? Also, is he conceding that a very small percentage of their lives matter? Yeah, it's unclear. Unclear.

He then goes on in his little blog to blame Black Lives Matter on Barack Obama. Huh. Specifically, the fact that Barack Obama honored Olympic sprinters John Carlos and Tommy Smith, who were famously removed from the 1968 Olympics after raising black-bloved fists on the medal podium as the national anthem played. Very next sentence, quote, Black Lives Matter

was formed by radical Marxists. They are against nuclear families and support the transgender movement. What? End quote. Not sure how that connects to the Obama White House honoring those guys they but to be fair neither does mcconkie so i don't know why i'm yeah right but yeah radical marxism i mean the the proletariat will rise up and create gender fluid extended families that's like the

whole thing no he obviously read the book i know well look look when you live on the north pole everyone's a southerner like from from where McConkie is standing, anybody who's ever listened to NPR is a radical Marxist. Yeah, that's true. Either way, he concludes with this, quote, most of the protesters do not have a clue what they are doing. Only God can change hearts. Sports will be affected as fans quit watching professional events. Add the current virus problems to the mix and professional teams will face severe hardships right yeah people aren't

watching them and they're not on it's a double whammy but i don't want to glaze over the fact that what he actually said was please don't prioritize the lives of black people over sports amen yeah god's got this one happened so yeah as soon as we can get god to change the hearts of the people who would like cops to stop murdering people professional sports will be back on track and ready to punish obama for praising civil rights activists from the 60s so stay tuned fingers crossed all right so while we patiently wait for god to get on that shit we're gonna toss things over to my lovely wife lucinda a man wrote the bible a whore is what she wants if it's a legitimate race cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massage

okay i am so sorry that i've been so hit and miss with this segment lately. But as you may have heard, there are only about 11 sane people in the entire state of Georgia. So we're all having to pick up a little slack lately. And I got to be honest with you, judging by the news cycle, I think misogyny has been taking advantage of my absence. So let's start with friend of the show, Satan, the prince of darkness, and check in on his latest plans to neuter men by destroying their manhood. That's the assessment of Pastor Tony Evans anyway, and he made that clear at the Promise Keepers 2020 Men's Conference. This story comes to us from the Christian Post, mostly because my antivirus software asked if I

was fucking kidding when I tried to go to the website for the conference. And it's all about how our failure to rigidly enforce sexist gender roles leads to young people to, quote, come up with their own conclusions of life and meaning and dignity and sexuality, end quote. Now, don't get me wrong. I can see how that would be bad. What if some kid concluded that the meaning of sexuality was cheeseburger? That would make for really awkward drive-thru visits. But I'm not sure how guys doing lady chores factors into it. Just, you know, lack of gender roles leads to furries or gay people or whatever group he meant to demonize with that euphemism. Evans is hawking a book all about this concept, by the way. Evans is hawking a book all about this concept, by the way.

I won't bother with the title, but suffice it to say his conclusion is that all the good stuff was men and all the bad stuff is women. Actual quote from his speech, quote, God says I am the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He never says I am God of Sarah, Rebecca and Rachel. And as despicable as that kind of shit is, at least I can appreciate its honesty. Far too often, sexism is hidden behind a veneer of intellectualism, traditionalism, or most often, concern for women and children. And thanks to a new study from IBIS Reproductive Health

and the Center for Reproductive Rights, that hypocrisy coding is all the more transparent. Their study looked at states that scored high in abortion restrictions, stuff like trap laws, insurance restrictions, mandatory waiting periods, etc., and then compared their scores on stuff that demonstrated a genuine concern for the well-being of women and children. You know, stuff like maternity leave policies, family subsidies, strong education policies, and health care funding. And, surprise, surprise, it turns out that the states with the most abortion restrictions

also have the fewest safeguards from others. I mean, look, it's not like there's an excuse for misogyny that would be forgivable. But there's a difference between ignorance and malice. And when it comes to religion and women, you get both. ignorance and malice. And when it comes to religion and women, you get both. And on that note, I'll take my leave and hand things back over to Noah, Heath,

and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And next up in headlines, Cardi B dropped a new single last week. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out.

And it's about women enjoying sexual intercourse. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. And Ben Shapiro heard about it. Eli? What are the guys talking about? It's the latest latest greatest Jewish freak out. That's right. Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion released their new collaboration called WAP, which is short for Wet Ass Pussy. And religious people are not happy about this.

So all those religious people are rallying together behind the cause of the dry vagina. Guys, guys, why do we even bother making comedy? I mean, if they're going to do shit like this, why are we bothering? I'm never going to make anything as funny. I feel so unnecessary. We'll come back and like pop in every couple of weeks. You guys got this.

Just keep doing real satire reality. It's fun. 2020 is awesome. So, in response to the first piece of popular music in history to contain sexual content, a whole bunch of conservative Christians felt compelled to make a statement about music for the first time ever. Weird.

That includes GOP congressional hopeful Errol Weber, who tweeted that new WAP song is exactly what's wrong with mainstream hip-hop culture. It encourages wild and unsafe sex. Apparently,

intercourse with a dry vagina is less prone to slip and fall. It's a slippery slope. It's a safety issue. It's a slippery slope yeah it's a safety issue it's a slippery slope exactly he continued then you wonder why planned parenthood targets black communities oh sick and quote yeah sick and sick he said sick and then i added sick yeah yeah oh it encourages unsafe sex says the anti condom guy who supports religious exemptions for contraception coverage yeah the horror that's the guy wait is his point that planned parenthood goes into poor neighborhoods because they know

that lower income people have more unprotected sex because yes and that's what we want them to do he just added rap music makes you slutty to a good idea. I don't understand. And we also heard from GOP congressional candidate James P. Bradley, who blames atheism for all the wet vaginas. Yeah, we are. According to Bradley, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion are what happens when children are raised without god and without a strong father figure their new quote song the wop i love that he adds fucking definite article there this is an old asshole singular wet ass pussy wet ass pussy go stand in the corner the wop not a WAP, the WAP. And then he continues, their new song The WAP, which I heard accidentally

made me want to pour holy water in my ears and I feel sorry for future girls if this is their role model. Alright, man. I know you didn't mean for that to sound like you then wanted a well-endowed gentleman to fuck you in the ear, but pay attention

to what you're commenting on. That means you want a dick in it in this song. Yeah. And I'm sorry. He heard it accidentally? Yeah. He was cruising around in his Jeep Grand Cherokee because of course. And he was like, let's see if my new favorite band, White and Protestant, has a new track.

Oh, they do. All right. Time to press play and then handcuff my hands behind my back. Something like that. Yep. And that brings us to possibly, well, possibly my favorite thing that's ever happened. Yeah. This might have saved 2020.

Ben fucking Shapiro heard about this song. Probably also by accident. Tripped and fell into Googling the song and hitting play. And then he decided to do a segment about it on his show. And that includes

a dramatic reading of the song. And by the way, the lyrics are so fucking brilliant in this song. So, yeah, if you're a fan of Cardi B's lyrics, but you always feel like she needed some alt-right flow, like she was

missing that, then you will love this video from Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro drops the beat in the background and starts reading as only a middle-aged white guy can. Whores in this house. There's some whores in this house.

There's some whores in this house. There's some whores in this house. Yeah, you effin' with some wet ass P-word. P-word is female genitalia. Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet ass P word. P word is female genitalia. Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet ass P word. Give me everything you got for this wet ass P word.

It goes on for the whole thing though. That's just the beginning. Just to be clear, that is exactly what Ben Shapiro said. Heath is not censoring the song. Ben Shapiro did in real time so as not to offend his audience of Nazi listeners.

Yes, right, right. I was surprised he didn't have to go with wet A word, P word. He actually went all the way to S. Yeah, but that's not even close to the best part about Ben Shapiro hearing WAP. It's not. It's not. It genuinely is not.

Watch the video. It's amazing. They've made like. Watch the video. It's amazing. They've made like auto-tuned remixes of them doing it now too. Check out all the videos you can about this. They're amazing, but it's not the best part. So he goes through the song and then he gives a painfully stupid rant about how the feminist movement, it's not about equality. It's about wet ass P word.

And speaking of Ben Shapiro creating a dichotomy of gender equality and vaginal moisture. He followed this up by going on Twitter and saying, all right, everybody, my wife is a doctor. And she says that a woman with a, you know, wet ass P word like in the song must have a serious medical condition like bacterial vaginosis she also told me that the troll that lived in hers would give me another chance to answer his riddle next year so I'm looking forward to that this poor woman I mean she married Ben Shapiro

so fuck her but he finished his little Nazi radio show and she was like no Ben they're not supposed to be wet. They're supposed to be dry and nauseated like mine always is. It's the thought of your dark universe bar mitzvah boy. Penis goes inside

your ass. Oh, God. You're like the ghost of a child. Oh, you're like the ghost of a child if I didn't care that they died. Ha! Please tweet about this conversation. God.

I'll chew some mint. Cardi B needs to do a song based on Ben Shapiro's wife's thoughts. Yeah. Called Dry Ass B Word, yeah. You got it. Dap. So that was fun.

Two important takeaways here. First of all, it looks like the canceling of cancel culture is temporarily canceled while religious people try to cancel stuff that they don't like. But most importantly, Ben Shapiro's wife told him

that vaginal moisture is a disease. And I just wanted to say that out loud because it's my favorite thing. There's a fantasy scenario where one of us gets challenged to debate him sometime. And I will just play this clip and this tweet over and over again until security removes me from the stage weeping with laughter i'll use my entire intelligence squared time to just play this and in better lead than red news as the history buffs in our audience may already be aware our nation's capital is home to the National Statuary Hall Collection, composed of statues donated by individual

states to honor persons notable in their history. The entire collection now consists of 100 statues contributed by 50 states. And, might I just say, it's weird we let Mississippi play. Probably a bad idea. Our mom made us or something. Gotta assume.

It includes images of great americans like helen keller thomas edison will rogers and now thanks to the state of north carolina it will soon include billy the jews have a stranglehold on the country graham hey north carolina bring it in you're the home of Clay Aiken and Dale Earnhardt Sr. and Edward Snowden. There's so many heroes. Now, I should mention that this kind of actually started with a good idea. So since 2015, activists have been trying to retract and remove North Carolina's statue of self-proclaimed white supremacist Charles Aycock. However, they couldn't get approval until Billy Graham died to like

swap him in like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Bigots. So now he's very much dead and the Tar Heel state is just an approved model and a congressional committee away from putting the bronze bigot in our nation's halls for years to come. I don't want to correct your joke on air, but that would be Raiders of the Lost Bigot. Temple of Doom was the second one. Thank you.

I want you to correct him on air. Let's be fair to North Carolina. Not bigoted wasn't an option in North Carolina history. Less bigoted was the an option in North Carolina history, right? Less bigoted was the most you could hope for. That's fair. That's fair. And I should also mention that Graham

will actually not be anywhere close to the biggest jerk in the statuary collection. Brigham Young is in there. Bunch of slave owners are in there. But, you know, Thomas Edison never said that AIDS was God's punishment for homosexuality. So I'm saying Billy's up there. Billy's in there. But, you know, Thomas Edison never said that AIDS was God's punishment for homosexuality. So I'm saying Billy's up there.

Billy's in there. Yeah. Thomas Edison murdered Tesla, though. He did. He did do that. Take the money, nerd. All right. So my vote for biggest jerk in the statuary hall, by the way, in case that matters, is

the state of Alabama. True story. Rosa Parks is in the hall, but hers is the only statue not representing any state. Are you fucking kidding me? Just got her own. Dicks. Oh, either way, it's nice, I think, for us to leave something behind for our children. Nay, our children's children to quietly and apologetically remove and replace

with their own generation's problematic racist. I'm thinking maybe our kids could do PewDiePie or something like that. And finally tonight, in Airbnb trail news. This is so amazing. Oh, I love this. And it came up

at the last minute too when I was looking for one more story. This one popped up and I'm like, oh, oh thank you dave tried to beat us on the drop yeah right right yeah attention i was running late this week motherfucker so dave daubenmeyer is trading up an army and we learned that from an airbnb review it's a weird story so it all started when a woman named jen booked a property for her two family gathering in the middle of a pandemic. But, you know, I'm not going to judge you. I don't know her details. But regardless, she leaves a review raving about what a nice place it was.

But then she added a bit at the end about how she wouldn't have booked it if she realized the property was owned by bigoted Christian nationalist Dave Dobenmeier and was used for his shooting guns for Jesus violence glorification getaways and Coach Dave freaked the fuck out about it. Also, just apropos of nothing, I just booked a venue for the satanic bedbugs gala that we've been planning. I got a good spot for it.

Thank you, Heath, because Matreon goal next year is how much damage we can do to coach Dave's Airbnb, right? We just rent that and we just go. Oh my god. My taint is gonna touch every square inch

of that building. Scooting up walls like a fucking poltergeist. Just an itchy dog but up the walls and the ceilings. I'm gonna figure out some sort of rope scenario so I can do it fast. Don't condemn the city. The whole city will shut down. All right.

So first, the retreat. In the review, Jen included a link to a video about it, which Airbnb later removed. Apparently, you're not allowed to include links in your reviews, which makes sense because otherwise everybody would be like saying stuff like, oh, the living room's layout was as convenient as the homepage of my website. But the video is a promotional video for his gods and guns getaway, wherein they say things like, quote, over 70 disciples of Jesus gathered under the cross to learn how to make war on the devil with assault rifles, an AK, a variety of pistols, and their fists. And their fists? Yes.

That's my favorite part. So I read about this. Full disclosure, after reading this, I spent most of yesterday looking for a video of Coach Dave teaching hoof control on a boat-beaming karate dummy. That video does not exist, and it ruined my fucking day.

Hey, Keith, it doesn't exist yet, buddy. It doesn't exist yet. All right, there's your carpet. Coach, we know you're listening. There's my ass. There's only one way to keep me from dragging it across there, Dave. Only one way. All right, so as we all know, Christians have a term for it

when things that they don't want to happen happen. And that term is Christian persecution. And yes, that includes bad reviews on Airbnb. His summary of the review was, quote, they're telling everybody, although it's a beautiful place and one of the nicest places you would ever go, don't go there because those people are Christians. End quote. Well, in Jen's defense, neither of those points are a fair summary. She never implied that it was among the nicest places she'd ever fucking been, just that it was nice.

And she didn't say, don't go there because they're Christians. She said, don't go there because they're insane, violent bigots. But you know what? Honestly, I can't fault anybody for not knowing the difference between those two anymore. Potato Nazi. Yeah, right. Exactly. And with that tomato

tomato distinction addressed, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Wet ass B-word. When we come back, Don Ford will be here to flirt with Heath. I'm going to rent that Airbnb. I'm going to rent it. Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy.

Hey, buddy. Eli, Eli, why are you shaking a bag of ramen noodles around? I'm trying to get Heath to go to the doctor about his hair loss and he's hiding again. Why is it so hard to get some guys to go to the doctor? Well, why don't you just have them try 4hims.com? What's 4hims.com? 4hims.com is all about men's wellness. Need help with hair loss, ED, or have a cold? Interested in mental health or COVID-19 home tests? HIMS is here for you. Wow, I can do all that stuff from home? You sure can. HIMS will connect you to licensed

medical professionals online to answer your questions for free and to see if FDA approved products to treat hair loss are right for you. If approved, products will be shipped directly to your door in discreet packaging. Wow, that does sound easy. That's right. And today, HIMS is giving their best offer yet. If you're not happy with your results after 90 days, HIMS will give you a full refund. And right now, our listeners can get their very first visit absolutely free. Just go to 4hims.com slash scathing. That's 4hims.com slash scathing. Full refund of price paid available for the first 90 days supply.

Refund request must be made between 90 and 180 days after product shipment delivered. Prescription products require an online consultation with a medical professional who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Thanks, Noah. Seems like a way better option. I mean, he's behind the couch, though, just so you know. Nark!

Well, it was bound to happen eventually. Bible Peace Theater made its way through the Pentateuch, through Joshua, and through Judges. And from here on out, it's just the parts of the book where the authors assumed everyone would have stopped reading by now, beginning with the book of Ruth. All right, you guys ready to take on Ruth? Ugh, another book of the Bible?

I mean, yeah. How many do we have left? So many. Oh, a ton, dude. Okay. Okay. Say, hey, just for no reason, someone hadn't read ahead, for example. You mean you?

Right. For example. And if someone wanted to understand what the book of the Bible was about so that they could understand all the swooshes and the jokes and the doodly-doos. Yeah, I can do the homework. So, okay, so the book of Ruth starts when this woman named Naomi moves away to Moab to escape a famine.

Oh, husband, I'm so glad I've come here to the land of Moab to escape a famine. Okay, a little redundant. But with your sons, I now have two beautiful daughters-in-law, Ruth and Orpah. You get a daughter-in-law. You get a daughter-in-law. Everybody gets a daughter-in-law.

No, it's Orpah. Orpah is the name. Still, though. Okay. Yeah, I kind of saw that coming. But you know what you didn't see coming? What's that? Wait, her husband dies?

Not just her husband, her sons too, leaving her all alone with Orpah and Ruth in a strange land. Now, you girls listen to me. I'm old and nobody wants to marry me, and I'm way too old to give birth to sons for you to marry. I mean, I wasn't thinking you'd give birth to a son just so I could marry him. Well, good, because I won't. Now, go back to your families and gods. Peace! I'm going to go hang out with Stedman and Dr. Phil! I'm not going anywhere, Naomi. Wherever you go, I will follow. Where you live, I'll live.

Your people will be my people. Your god will be my god. When you die, I'll die. Your people will be my people. Your God will be my God. When you die, I'll die. And I'll be buried there. Seems a little extreme. I'm your mother-in-law. Look, do you want this book to pass the Bechdel test or not? Honestly, I'm not sure.

So I sent her the dodo code, but she never showed up to sell her turnips. Oh, that is so rude. Right? I mean, here we are in my hometown of Bethlehem. Naomi? Naomi, is that you? Yes, it's me. But don't call me Naomi anymore.

Call me Mara, because God hates me and my life sucks. Oh. Yeah, okay. Got it. This is my daughter-in-law. She's coming with me wherever I go And will be buried wherever I die Weird, weird

Well, I gotta go do some Bronze Age stuff Wait, don't you want to hear about how bad my life is? Oh, super no Well, I'm just gonna post about it on Facebook anyway Yeah, you sure are Well, alright, Naomi I'm off to do some gleaning Good luck Wait, what's gleaning?

That's where you walk behind people while they harvest their fields and you pick up the wheat they leave behind. Oh, so like old timey dumpster diving? Pretty much. Yeah. Doing gleaning stuff. Gleaning stuff is definitely not my favorite stuff but i'm a woman living in the bronze age so what are you gonna do lu lu lu servant hey servant servant yeah yes boaz so uh who's that lady gleaning at the back what's going on there oh her she's ruth uh she's naomi's daughter-in-law yeah great well me likey, me likey, if you know what I mean. So, why don't you go ahead and introduce me? Sure.

Hi, Ruth? Yeah, this is Boaz. Boaz, this is Ruth. What? You guys know each other? Crazy. Crazy. Hey, I'm Boaz.

Hi. Great, yeah. So, if you want, you can come to my house and eat some food. Also, I will not let this guy rape you. Wait, what? I won't let this guy rape you? I mean, it is in the book. It's in the book, yeah.

It is. All right. So then what happens? So Ruth falls on her face with gratitude and asks Boaz what she's done to earn his favor. Oh, watch out for that banana peel. Motherfucker! Ow! I mean, I mean, whatever have I done to earn your favor, kind stranger?

Oh, I don't know if I'm a stranger. I mean, I know all about your father dying and your husband. That's a real bummer. Yeah, yeah it is. Yeah, so you want to come over, have some food, some water, not get raped? Not. Not raped.

Wow. You are so nice even though I'm not your servant girl. I know, right? I'm super cool. I'm super cool. Servant. Servant. Come here. here yeah yes sorry did you want to accuse me of being a rapist again okay first of all i told you that was in the book second no i want you to leave a little bit of extra wheat behind for ruth at the end of the day okay i can do that you know this is actually kind of a sweet romance for the Bible. I mean, usually this book is-

You're going to fuck the shit out of her. All right, there it is. Like, all the way. Okay, so then what happens? Well, Ruth goes home to tell Naomi about all her good luck. Naomi, I'm home. Damn, look at all that wheat. Did you glean all that?

I sure did. A whole bushel from Boaz. I think I might like him. Boaz, Boaz. You know, I think we're related to him. Gross. No, no, no. This is the Bible.

That's a good thing. Wait, it is? Mm-hmm. Yep. Yikes. Right? So this goes on for a couple months until the day finally comes for Ruth to lock down Boaz.

Another day, another bushel of wheat from Boaz. Yeah, great. More wheat. Look, Ruth, I think maybe it's time for you to move out. Um, you do? Yep. So tonight, I want you to take a bath and get on your nicest perfume the one the one that we that we bought at the mall just yep the one we bought at the mall and and when boaz is done eating and drinking tonight you sneak in next to him and and you uncover his feet. Do the what now?

It means take out his dick. Yeah. What? Why does that mean that? Well, some people think it's a translation error. Or the fact that the Bible was mostly translated and rewritten by celibate monks. Right. Or just prudish translators in early Germany.

Yeah, right. But like feet are dicks 99% of the time in this book. Okay, right. But like feet are dicks 99% of the time in this book. Okay, wait. So all the times later in the book when someone washes Jesus' feet? Spoiler alert! Jesus, get out of the beep! You're not in the Bible for like five more years. Get out of the beep. Boom. So that night, Ruth goes to find

Boaz, but he's drunk. And then I said, your wheat? More like, more like boar wheat. Boar wheat. Boar, your wheat. Classic. Fun.

Hiya, handsome. Whoa! Who are you? What's going on? Seriously? I'm Ruth. I've been gleaning your field for weeks now. Oh, right. Right. Ruth. Of course. Of course. Yeah. Uh-huh. Sorry. No, it's just dark in here.

Oh, so you want to spread your skirt over me? Does that mean fuck stuff? That's fuck stuff. your skirt over me does that mean fuck stuff that's fuck stuff totally yep total it's just uh well first of all i mean thanks for choosing me over or a younger guy bonus but um i technically i gotta check with your somewhat uh closer cousin to make sure he doesn't he doesn't want to fuck you you know okay you have to check with someone more closely related to me so that we can technically

he's got dibs, I think. Are you sure you don't just have whiskey dick? No. No. I'm like super hard right now. It's just rules. The dibs. I have to check with your cousin. Okay.

Then why don't I just turn on the lights? I said we gotta check with your cousin! Okay, okay. Hey. Morning, sleepyhead. Oh. Hey. Hello. Hi. Did we, like, we?

No. No? No, you had whiskey. Hey, hey, shush, you shush. Now, you shush. Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you stay here and not tell anybody at all about what did or did not happen last night? I mean, what didn't happen last night.

And here are six bushels of wheat. Wow. Six bushels. Yeah, that's right. And I'm going to go talk to your cousin about fucking you right now because I totally totally can and i would like to just sure sure you can i can you want to whatever for him dot com buddy but then he came for james charles in his response video so now it actually is a feud dude this is two podcasts now. You got to let this go. Hey, hey, relation. Oh, hey.

Relation to me. Hey, Boaz, what's up? Yeah, so come sit down with me for a second. Yeah, I'm going to go. Okay, okay, but you will watch those TikToks, right? I will not watch those TikToks, no. Damn it. Anyway, Boaz, what's up?

Also, why are the city elders here? Hello. What? What? Nothing needs here? Hello. What? Nothing needs to be up. What? No, just hanging out with the fam. Hanging out with the fam fam. You know?

Oh, cool. Yeah. So have you guys heard about this James Charles drama? No. Okay. So drama alert. So here's the thing. Last year.

Yeah. Sounds super duper cool that's awesome uh cannot wait to hear all about it but moving on for right now so you know naomi uh sure the one who moved to moab that we're both related to but i'm apparently slightly more closely related to somehow yep yeah that's the one uh she's got a parcel of land for sale. And since you were the closest relative, you technically get dibs. Oh, cool. Yeah, I could actually use some more land. I was thinking of expanding.

But you didn't let me finish. You have to marry and fuck her daughter-in-law, Ruth, if you want to get the land. And just a heads up, Ruth is a handful. Like, she lies about whether your dick can get hard, stuff like that. She always wants wheat. It's like a whole thing with Ruth. Wow, like total drama alert, huh? Yeah, exactly.

Drama alert, right? Almost as dramatic as when James. Hey, hey, hey, stay focused. So, do you want that land from Naomi? Oh. No, I guess not. Great, great. Do you want that land from Naomi? Oh. No, I guess not. Great. Great.

So I guess since you don't want it, you wouldn't mind if I bought the land, even though it means I would have to fucking marry Ruth, which, again, just to be clear, I do not want to do. It's going to be exhausting. Yeah, no, I guess I wouldn't mind. Great. Great. So let me just get your shoe

and we can lock that in. You want my shoe? Yeah. It's like a Jewish pinky promise. We do the shoe thing. Okay. I guess. Awesome. Awesome. Hey! Hey, old people. Old people, you guys see this? I have dibs now.

You saw it, right? You see it? Yes. Yes, we see great great well uh i'm gonna go so uh hey hey get some out of here you didn't want what you didn't actually want to talk to me at all here you just wanted my permission to fuck ruth and buy her land in front of the elders did you what no no i just want to hang out with my close friend and relation together oh really okay what's my name james charles that's no that's who i was talking about he's a makeup youtuber wow would you look at the time? I gotta go fuck Ruth.

That's going to be the worst. Bye. So do you old guys want to hear my drama alert? Damn, Skippy. Did you see the apology video? Hell yeah. Are you talking about the first one or the one after the influencer party?

Both. And that's the end of Ruth. Wow. Short. Yeah. Short. Yeah. But like significantly better than the other books so far.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. But I mean, like, what have we learned? After four chapters? Yeah. Anna? Roses are red, violets are blue, Ruth wants to fuck Boaz and he wants it too. So they do. That's the end.

Hallelujah, amen. And with a big thanks and a what are you going to do for Anna, we're going to wrap things up for tonight. But don't worry, there's always more Bible. And holy shit, does the next book have a whole song's worth in it. So we're going to be back soon with even more Bible Peace Theater. Before we fade out tonight, I wanted to assure you that the book was not just a figment of my imagination. It really exists.

It should be out by the end of this month or early next month, and I'll obviously keep you posted when we have something more exact. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you, and I'll obviously keep you posted when we have something more exact. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show, Hot Friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be a shadow of my former self. I've neglected to thank Heath Enright for doing all the things he does,

Eli Bosnick for not doing all the things he suggests, Lucinda Lusions for all the things she lets me do. Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, for pretending to do things so well. I also want to thank Dancing Safaka for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. He sent it to me back in November, but keep his doctor in mind the next time somebody sends you a YouTube video of an anti-masker with the, but they're a doctor excuse. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most dashing diploids, Tom, Justin, Other Justin, Jason, Andre, Joshua, Debra, Sabrina, and Louis.

Tom, Justin, and Other Justin, whose ejaculations give the Perseids a run for their money. Jason, Andre, and Joshua, whose erections have to be careful not to nudge Neowise off course. And Sabrina, Debra, and Louise who are so bright they only know about the night sky through pictures. Together these nine naughty non-believers nudged our net worth

northward this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money but if you do you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash skatingadius whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingadius.com and if you'd like to help but not in a having less money kind of way you can also help

a ton by leaving us a five-star review anywhere they let you do that. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robson handles our social media, R.R.E. Engineer is Morgan Clark, we also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used for permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com.

To be fair, you did finish those books. You earned that personal pan pizza. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.