The Scathing Atheist - 392: Thoroughly Whacked Edition

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

In this week’s episode, we buy the domain Mycoffin dot com before its too late, we discover that somebody parked the dot net like a serial killer, and Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to tell you what an asshole someone you’ve never met is. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Cognitive Dissonance here: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: Trump convinced by My Pillow guy he can cure the pandemic with herbs: https://www.cnn.com/2020/08/17/politics/trump-oleandrin-mike-lindell-coronavirus/index.html and Anderson Cooper rips him a new asshole over it https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2020/08/anderson-cooper-calls-mypillow-ceo-snake-oil-salesman-for-pushing-bogus-covid-cure/ Burning Bibles in Portland is Russian Propaganda Repeated by Republicans: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/11/burning-bibles-in-portland-its-russian-propaganda-repeated-by-republicans/ John McArthur and his fight to infect Californians:  https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/13/ca-pastor-sues-state-over-covid-restrictions-after-holding-huge-indoor-services/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/16/ca-appeals-court-john-macarthurs-church-must-follow-countys-covid-rules/ Maine Cops Punished a Man for Erasing Christian Hate-Messages in a Public Space: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/11/maine-cops-punished-a-man-for-erasing-christian-hate-messages-in-a-public-space/ Kenneth Copeland Excuses Trump’s Swearing Because He’s Too Busy to Watch Christian Television: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/kenneth-copeland-excuses-trumps-swearing-because-hes-too-busy-to-watch-christian-television/ Bible Camp Apologizes for Hazing Incidents Involving Pain Cream on Genitals: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/06/christian-summer-camp-apologizes-after-multiple-unauthorized-hazing-incidents/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Kamala is a Jezebel sent to destroy Trump: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/lance-wallnau-says-not-intelligent-kamala-harris-is-being-used-by-the-devil-to-take-trump-out/ Brazilian Christians block ten year old rape victim from getting abortion: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/08/17/brazilian-fundamentalists-blocked-a-10-y-o-rape-victim-from-getting-an-abortion/

Warning, the following profanity contains an episode. This week's episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by MySheetsRock and by the new subscription box for the Trump supporter, BoxoDisease. Each month we'll send you a variety of gently used lozenges straight from the mouths of patients at the infectious disease ward. Keep only the diseases you're susceptible to, send the rest back, because if you're already paying for your stupidity with your life, you might as well use your money too. And now, the scathing atheist. Hey guys, I'm Pat, the alleged author of the on-again-off-again citation-needed fan fiction,

The Eli Chronicles. And I'm here to tell you that even in the hellish Trumpian dystopia of my story, we still evolved from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's August 20th. And it's World Mosquito Day. The original anti-maskers. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Roy Scheider's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we buy the domain mycoffin.com before it's too late. Somebody park the dot net like a fucking serial killer. And Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to tell you what an asshole someone you've never met is. But first, the diatribe. So, I got whacked off by Kent Hobine last week. I guess that demands further explanation so the story starts with a protest that the tri-state

free thinkers organized against Ken Ham's testament to stupidity the Ark Encounter this is an annual event that they've been doing since the theme park opened in 2016 but of course this year they weren't going to encourage a big meet up so they did an online thing anyway so I was invited to give a talk, and for reasons that should be obvious,

I themed mine around the consequences of lying to children about science, specifically biology. The name of the talk was, What's the Worst That Could Happen? So that goes up online. Kent Hovind eventually hears about it because he has a Google alert for ken ham taking one up the ass i guess and he watches the video and it turns out that he doesn't care much for our characterization of creationism now if you're not familiar with kent hovine let me sketch out a little short bio for you real quick uh kent hovine is a fucking fraud and not just in the creationist who believes in god way hovine is a convicted fucking felon who fell for some sovereign citizen bullshit and later learned that he did do have to pay his goddamn taxes.

So the fraudulent felon who was once arrested for burglary and assault in an incident involving a woman that worked for him was released from prison in 2015 and went back to work in the legally protected type of fraud where you lie to children instead of the IRS. It's in that capacity that he owns dinosaur adventure land a creationist theme park in pensacola florida that promotes anti-scientific biblical literalist bullshit so like basically he's the somehow even more pathetic version of ken ham right he's the he's the joe exotic to ham's doc anthel so no doubt when he saw the online protest against Ken Ham's park, there was a tinge of professional jealousy that we atheists weren't paying more attention to him. Now, Hovind also has a little show on YouTube because there are no qualifications to have one of those. And one of the features on it, I guess, is something he calls Whackin' Atheist Wednesday.

I guess, is something he calls Whackin' Atheist Wednesday. Because either Christians don't know about dick words, or he's just fully embracing the Freudian slips at this point. So he goes to the video of the protest. He plays a few clips for each of the speakers. He does this thing that creationists do where they say a bunch of words, and they move on as though they've refuted something. And of course, I'm not the only atheist Kent whacked off that day. He whacked off Aaron Rahm, Mandisa Thomas, Eric Murphy, whole lineup of atheists for him to work his way down, taking our arguments right in the face and beating them off one at a time.

Now, I'm going to be honest with you. He didn't spend a lot of time on me. The speaker immediately after me was Dietrich Von Doom, and I guarantee you that motherfucker was dying to hurry up to get to the black Satanist but he did take a stab at refuting the central theme of my talk i.e. that he's a full of shit liar who fucking lies and the entirety of his counter argument can be summarized as

nuh uh right so with the apologies for metaphorically holding a mirror up to a mirror here let me play the clip of him playing the clip this felt like I couldn't believe it here metaphorically holding a mirror up to a mirror here. Let me play the clip of him playing the clip. This felt like I couldn't believe it here. It happened and you built a theme park dedicated entirely

to lying to people about science? Lying to people about science. Is that what the Noah's Ark encounter does? That's what your textbooks do. Science means knowledge. Things we can observe, study, and test. Knowledge. You guys have the wild imagination

that somehow, somewhere, all the animals in the long ago faraway could turn themselves into something that they're not. And no, by the way, I did not send that through a shitty background noise filter or anything. It sounds that bad through the entire fucking video.

Like he's recording onto his laptop microphone in a tropical depression. Also, I didn't add that incredibly long pause. That was there. That five seconds was literally how long it took him to figure out how to play the clip he was just playing. But yes, that's the entirety of his rebuttal. I know that I cut it off kind of quickly at the end, but believe me, it's not because I'm hiding from the awesome retort he was about to unleash.

It's because that's literally as far as he could get without trying to sell us one of his dumbass indoctrination videos for kids. After he gives you the hard sell on his Lies Science Tells You About Science DVD for only $9.9999 he does yammer for a bit about how nobody's ever seen a dog give birth to a non-dog and he's got a little plastic spongebob in a lab coat that he hits with evil universe varmint hammer here and there but

that's the totality of it so let's tackle both of the objections he brought up there no and uh starting with no dude how the fuck are you gonna use the nobody has ever seen it happen argument when you're about to tell a motherfucker about the god who created the universe but but even if we set aside the abject hypocrisy inherent and even deploying that argument it's also just fucking wrong i mean no we've never seen a dog birth a non-dog but that's also not what evolution predicts would fucking happen it predicts that we'd see a dog give birth to a dog with mutations and we see that shit all the time we see the kind of things one would expect to see over the course of a human

lifetime if the theory was correct because the theory is correct consider a world where science had to draw this arbitrary line that Hovind conjured out a whole fucking cloth. We know how mountains form, right? But since we can't watch tectonic plates meet and move all the way from seafloor to mountaintop, I guess we can't draw any conclusions, right? I mean, come to think of it, without some seriously dedicated time-lapse shit over the long haul, we can't definitively say that babies turn into human beings i mean think about it all the times you've ever been looking at a baby have you ever seen one's arms suddenly grow or its head suddenly get bigger watch a baby all you want you

will never see that shit happen i guess how adults come into existence will always be as big as mystery as where the hell all the babies go. Right. So, yeah, Kent, you fucking tried to whack me off and you missed. But if at any time you want to give it another go, I'm up for it. And if you want some advice on how to do it better, just email me. I'm happy to shoot you a video of me whacking myself. Joining me for headlines tonight are the stop and drop to my role heath enright and eli bosnick

fellas are you ready to fire it up uh i hate to be a pedant but if you're dropping and rolling you're not stopping it's definitely not procedure it's one after the candy flipping is fun in our leads story tonight the guy who oversells lumpy pillows at late night infomercials has more influence with the American president when it comes to infectious disease mitigation than the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. Attracts. Yep. Attracts. Windell, evangelical pillow crusader and fictional Planned Parenthood demolisher, has confirmed to the press that in July he had a meeting with the president in which he, in his capacity as a late night pillow salesman, advised the so-called leader of the free world on medical science. And his advice seems to, of course, have been ingesting a toxic bush that's right as i travel the world mastering the art of soft rectangles i also invented a cure for

a virus that didn't exist yet you're the president we're at the oval office well mike you make a strong argument thank you let me kill a non-zero amount of people by spreading your bullshit great i'm the president you are in the overall there you go jesus fucking christ okay so the quackery in question is called oleandrin it's a botanical extract of oleander that's being touted by a biopharmaceutical company called phoenix as a possible treatment for covet 19 even though there is no legitimate evidence to suggest it does that. Isn't that the murder weapon from that movie? Yeah, it's right.

Right. Right. No, we'll get there. But yeah, but that killed a guy with it. Yeah, but but that didn't stop it from reaching the president's desk in an Oval Office meeting between Trump, Lindell and a Phoenix exec named Andrew Whitney. In a subsequent statement to the press, Lindell described Trump's reaction to their pseudoscientific sales pitch as enthusiastic and insisted he brokered the meeting only because he believed in the efficacy of the product.

The fact that he has a financial stake in it is unrelated. And if you don't believe him, you can ask actual medical doctor Ben carson quote why would you do that quote i brought this to secretary carson and he did his due diligence and was just amazed he said it was very exciting seeing all the data end quote oh my goodness three pages double-sided. What a treat. Thanks for visiting me in this elevator, Donald. That's nice of you. But I don't think I can choose the wine in front of you or the wine in front of me. Splitsies?

Yeah, right. Now, one of the minor upshots of this story is the interview that Lindell did on CNN about it, in which Anderson Cooper decided he had too few assholes and rectified that. It is 10 minutes of one of my in-laws trying to sell me on their new kidney cleanse, and it is glorious. supplement as quote the miracle of all time end quote and tells cooper he's quote just misconstrued because the media is trying to take away the amazing cure that works for everybody end quote yeah the media hates that shit yeah it's pretty fucking great anderson's questions literally include how are you different than a snake oil salesman and how do you sleep at night okay pass on the first thing

uh but i actually have a really good secular pillow don't tell me look there's not much i want to remember from this time but the all out of fucks anderson cooper is one of them yeah right i want to keep absolutely so when asked about this revelation on monday trump did confirm that he was familiar with oleandrin as a potential therapeutic but in a very like no no i totally read my daily intelligence briefs why don't you tell me what it is though so i know that you know kind of way so there's no reason to believe he retained any of the information if it was imparted to him but that doesn't matter because a media narrative is

shaping up wherein he must either endorse chewing on a poisonous bush or let Anderson Cooper be right. So, yeah, you can look for his oleandron push to begin just as soon as his handlers can teach him how to say it five times out of six. Nope. Damn it. Next week.

Next week. You weren't even that close though and in black lives matter news anna what are the guys talking about it's the newest the greatest christian freak out that's right black lives have been mattering a little too hard in portland oregon recently and the christ Christian right is freaking out, especially after they saw a video clip that went somewhat viral earlier this month showing a group of Black Lives Matter protesters burning an American flag and a Bible. Well, that's crazy. I mean, why would people being actively kidnapped by the federal agents of our theocracy not like those things?

Right? Yeah, you'd think if anybody was going to be patriotic, it would be the people threatened into it. Weird. Yeah. So, first of all, yes, they burned a Bible. That's the most famous book in the world, and it literally says that black lives do not matter. This isn't complicated. considering the christian right track record of intellectual honesty i figured they wouldn't have a freak out based on this beautiful example of free speech in the marketplace of ideas that's weird that they're they're having a problem with this also it wasn't a giant atheist pyre of dead christian cops and thousands of bibles that they stole

as fun as that would have been. It's just hard to get permits for that kind of thing during the pandemic. But that's approximately the narrative we got from a whole bunch of conservative commentators who never bothered to vet the story or even check the source.

Turns out that source was a Russian internet propaganda mill backed by the Kremlin huh what actually happened is one little group protesters used a bible and a flag as kindling for a tiny symbolic campfire they made yeah and even if they built a fucking wicker man out of bibles filled with american flags who the fuck? Our government literally kidnapped people in unmarked vans. And what Christians freaked out about

was the book that they haven't read got toasty. Right. Yeah. What's more un-American than burning? Oh, oh, I see. There's one. Exactly. This is what we yell about all the time.

We're hip but can't finish talking. So despite the video clip, having the name of the russian source literally watermarked in big letters in the video it says roughly you can't miss it despite that we got comments from people like donald trump jr and ted cruz trying to take some kind of victory lap about this being like see do black lives matter now it's not ridiculous now it's a confusing point they were trying to make is somehow the first amendment freedom of the protesters is destroying the first amendment in their yeah no the first amendment is a lot like the second amendment

they lose their enthusiasm real quick when black people use it right sure do yeah they do but we already knew that ted cruz and donnie jr are hypocrites and liars the bigger lesson is about this new disinformation strategy from russia instead of the fake social media accounts and bots like we saw leading up to the 2016 election these russian sources are just seeding little pieces of instigation news and hoping that stupid Americans and stupid American news outlets pick them up. And we are made of stupid people with stupid news outlets. Yeah, sure are. And sadly, not just on the conservative side of the political spectrum. Nope. The investigation into this story by the New York Times found that plenty of disinformation is also

being aimed at fracturing America's left. So, don't fall for the bait and always look for the original source. And even if that all checks out, don't do anything that helps the Republican Party and the Christian right, even if you think the source checks out.

Easy. Or at least get some spy money up front. Yeah, right. You're just an idiot. You can register. An intern for Russia. Yeah, they'll get you if you don't register as a spy, yeah. And while you sort that out... Twitter is not a source. We're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my

lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what you want. If it's a legitimate rage... You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate rate cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massage all right now i didn't get my lady president when we did this shit four years ago and you saw how that worked out right at the very least y'all owe me a lady vice president behind a really old guy and that seems to be what we've got on tap for this election. And I know that not everybody is sold on Kamala Harris. She impresses the hell out of me for several reasons,

but I understand there are legitimate reasons a person could be standoffish about her candidacy. But none of those legitimate reasons are the fact that she's a demonic force sent by the devil to destroy Trump. or the fact that she's a demonic force sent by the devil to destroy Trump. Look, if you've so much as heard of Christianity, you knew they were going to lose their shit at a female veep, and a black one no less. And we got exactly what we were expecting in the hours and days after Biden made his announcement. Presidential Medal of Freedom to Spoiler Rush Limbaugh declared Harris a hoe and a mattress, and accused her of using sex to get ahead.

His reasoning, of course, was that she was both a woman and a mattress and accused her of using sex to get ahead. His reasoning, of course, was that she was both a woman and a head. Lori Ingram said the choice was, quote, a box-checking exercise for the woke crowd, end quote. Dinesh D'Souza launched a new weird-ass form of birtherism to go after Kamala's blackness, but my favorite bit of shit-losing came from Lance Wallnau, who did an emergency live stream on facebook in the wake of the announcement and told his viewers that satan was using senator harris to take down president trump after assuring his audience that she was not intelligent just able to fake it really well he accused her of being part of the deep state and a quote jezebel spirit end quote which, which Right Wing Watch describes as, quote,

an evil and cunning demonic female spirit intent on attacking God and those who worship him, end quote. Now, you'll notice that basically all of these misogynistic attacks tend to gravitate back to the questioning of her qualifications. She's not really intelligent, even though her intelligence would suggest otherwise. She's not really qualified, even though her intelligence would suggest otherwise. She's not really qualified, even though her resume suggests otherwise. She didn't really get there on her merits, even though the person who now holds the job has nowhere near the merits that she brings to the table. She can't possibly be qualified in their minds because for them, the point is the point. So look, regardless of how you feel about her, Kamala Harris needs to be our next vice president.

And as if to offer up a preview of what we're in for, if we harumph around, fuck this election up too, and let these evangelical conspiracy theorists have a second term. I have a story out of Brazil to close us off on. And trigger warning, because it is a really fucked up one. So this story starts when a little girl who has been sexually abused by her uncle for years fucked up one. So this story starts when a little girl who has been sexually abused by

her uncle for years winds up pregnant. So with her grandmother's help, she made her way to the hospital for an abortion. The doctor said no, though, because abortion is evil. This led to a legal battle, and eventually a court did authorize the abortion, noting that her life is very much in danger if she's forced to carry the pregnancy to term. But then an alt-right activist leaked information about where and when that was scheduled to happen, and protesters showed up to block the entrance and scream at this little girl that she was a murderer. A murderer. Eventually, she was taken to a different facility and got the abortion.

But holy shit, if the Biden-Harris ticket puts a bad taste in your mouth, just think about how much worse it would taste to know you were facilitating that. And with the promise that I'm not going to read your angry emails anyway, I'll wrap it up there and hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines in Petri Pooper News, a California appeals court, thank you, eventually decided that megachurch pastor John MacArthur isn't allowed to kill people even if he says pretty please. I feel you, John. It's a moot point because he didn't say that, but still, an appeals court had to step in at the last minute and overturn a lower court's decision

that would have allowed him to continue indiscriminately killing his parishioners with stupidity until his case was adjudicated because as the court order from actual judges felt the need to point out the potential harm from having to hold your services outdoors is less than the potential harm of dying in mass yeah i mean on the one hand nobody likes getting caught in the rain on the other hand there is a plague so this one's a tough yeah okay how much do you like pina coladas like nozick's utility monster you can't always say that you can't always be infinity you like it infinity that's stupid all right so let me back up a little bit. And if you aren't picturing Noah twerking, you are not the listener we know.

So John MacArthur is the pastor of the Grace Community Church. I am twerking as I say this. So keep picturing that. Eli, drop that beat one more time. So John MacArthur is the pastor of the Grace Community Church, an evangelical megachurch in L.A. that rakes in tens of millions of dollars a year in bilking fees. evangelical megachurch in LA that rakes in tens of millions of dollars a year in bilking fees. But that came to a screeching halt this year when California locked down and the church was forced to maintain itself on nothing but the many years of seven-figured untaxed revenue for selling non-existent things with no production or shipping costs and somewhere in the one to two million

dollar range worth of PPP loans. But you you know that was way back in june so last month the church started ignoring county guidelines that limited indoor events to 100 people or fewer and started holding weekly events with thousands of attendees i mean california is doing so well with covet i can understand why he'd want to bend the rules a bit right fucking christ and now that we're dealing with wildfires again it's probably time to figure out how to accommodate ember worship in the way that's important so after weeks of pussyfooting around and trying to find a way not to make a church obey a law los angeles county eventually sued the church for violating the order and the church sued the county for fucking suing them i guess and the first

judge to hear it issued a temporary restraining order against the county that would have allowed the church to keep infecting away until the case could be heard next month but later that night a court of appeals stepped in with an emergency ruling that basically just said are you fucking kidding me but written like they were holding the pen in a fist you know that being said if mcarthur abided by legally binding rules we wouldn't be talking about this to begin with and of course don't have the balls to throw a chain and a lock around church doors so the quickest route to getting his gatherings below 100 people seems to be waiting for the virus to do it yeah tick tock yeah and in chock full of nuts news fantastic you have to read the story but it's

an excellent you're gonna get there it's gonna be amazing wait until i nail this and the end of me explaining something so the mansion church in bangor maine is very committed to christianity and they decided the best way to worship god is going to public squares and writing homophobic slogans in pastel colored chalk as a group of grownups. For real, that's what they're doing. Fortunately, Bangor is also home to a genuine hero of spite named Scott Hall, who's spent years now just going around and erasing their hate speech right behind him. But last week, while Scott Hall was literally erasing hate in a public area called Pickering Square, Mr. Hall was stopped by two local cops and issued a no trespassing order that

bans him from that square for a year. On a public area. Yep. This dude's going to need a hovercraft so as not to offend bigots or go to the supermarket. Ridiculous. So Mr. Hall got that whole interaction on video. And these two cartoon rhinoceros cops were so confused by this very simple legal principle. They asked what he's doing. And Hall says, I'm a racing chalk. Is that a serious question? Can you not see what I'm doing?

So the cops point out that the church is allowed to write whatever they believe because the city of Bangor allows people to write stuff in public squares as part of their free speech and then hall says okay and erasing is also free speech so what are we talking about then there's a giant pause while these two cops it's so long it's painfully long these two cops try to process the idea of blankness being speech they're so confused it doesn't work. They process nothing and they just start filling out the no trespassing order. It honestly seemed like they needed Hall to draw like a solid

rectangle of chalk over the hate speech so that they could comprehend the idea of like, okay, it's thing versus thing. Okay, okay. What if I just write la la la, I can't read you over top of it? Would that be a compromise in you guys'

head? It would be a compromise in their head. That's the thing. The cop's like, holy shit, Mitch, you just crossed out my badge with a shoppie. I'm just a guy now, Mitch. So, yeah. Hall posted the video online and a fellow bangorian named sean faircloth noticed it and sean faircloth just happens to be a former executive director of the secular coalition for

america huh and also a former state senator in maine and a former city counselor in Bangor and former mayor of the city of Bangor. Oh, wow. He went to Pickering Square, he erased some biblical hate speech, and he called the police on himself, daring them to arrest him or to ban him from the square for a year. They did not. Apparently, the

cops read Being and Nothingness by Sartre after the incident with Mr. Hall, so they'd finally come to understand the ontological principle at play here. Anyway, moral of the story, if you ever need something to amuse yourself and you find a street preacher in a public square

harassing people, super fun to just follow him around with a blank piece of paper and jump in front of him and ask people to talk about nothing so he gets blocked. They get really confused by that. And people still like you better than the street preacher. So everyone wins. Oh, yeah, much, much better.

Yeah, sure. And in talking ass news, if you ask most Americans what their least favorite thing about Donald Trump is, their heads explode like that computer from war games. However, if you ask the followers of prosperity gospel preacher evangelical advisor to the white house and tube of demons avoider kenneth copeland it's apparently all the swearing he does because this week kenny copes dedicated an entire segment of his speech at the southwest believers convention to explain why trump is allowed to swear and spoiler alert it's because he's the president hey the lord loves an honest man that

is what he grabs them by so cool honesty yeah so here's the quote which goes from baffling to belligerent at record speed so buckle in quote until he got elected president gospel tv is all he ever watched what he didn't watch anything else i like that you say well he still uses foul language yeah but he's the president of the united states he can talk any way he wants to talk and actual quote that's weird i don't remember Copeland saying anything about the bad language when Trump was running in like 2015 or 2016 before he was president. Sorry, backing up a bit again, twerking. Does Kenny think he learned about all those porn stars from watching gospel TV? Yeah, it's not out of the question.

But don't worry. There's a reason for the president's potty mouth now. Copeland concludes, quote, And the Lord showed me what happened. He got over into the place where he didn't have time to watch gospel television. And it slipped back in his mouth. But I'd rather have a man that just stands up there and just cuss on TV than to have one to go behind your back and cuss like a sailor.

End quote. Good, Kenneth, because fuck you. You're welcome. I love that he feels like he's being double-crossed by people. Yeah, so if you're wondering where Kenneth Copeland draws the line on the pandemic-causing, citizen-abducting,

postal service-sabotaging, fascist in office, it's at being a potty mouth yeah not watching him on and finally tonight in ben's straight news we have a story about a christian summer camp for kids and genital torture but as far as we, it's not about pedophile sexual abuse. Woo! So congratulations to the Christian leaders, I guess. It's a win.

And turns out the incident involved a form of hazing called the Icy Hot Challenge. And for anyone who wasn't on my high school soccer team, that's when you put icy hot muscle cream on your genitals, which causes extreme levels of freezing and burning pain. And you see who can go the longest without screaming and washing it off. At which point it's still really, really, really hurts because you can't really rinse off the inside of your skin very well. So it's not the funnest. Or, or it's when you discover your kink, have to pretend to scream and want to wash it off. And then you realize you got a bunch of stuff to buy from Adam and Eve.com.

It's a hard time for a lot of people. And then you realize your kink involves the scream and you're all set. So apparently the director of Camp Harvest in Michigan heard about one of their student pastors conducting an icy hot challenge and that guy got fired. Good. And then yes, that's good. And then the camp immediately reported the incident

to every different local authority they could think of proudly announcing the non-sexual nature of the whole thing. In the creepiest, I guess guess humble brag ever the report said dear authorities we caught a staff member doing an icy hot challenge with the kids and he's been terminated in case anyone's curious before you ask we found no evidence of any person to

person contact nor was there any moment where any person visibly exposed themselves to others and there's the guy who found his king there he is right there the statement goes like well now let's not lose track of all the ways we didn't abuse those kids genitals right like there's a lot of way more of those

ways yeah so now a bunch of people at Michigan child welfare agencies have a really weird job. They're they'resexual dick cream activity like the camp is claiming, I guess that's a win. So great job on having a summer camp full of kids during a pandemic and having the only form of genital torture be technically not sexual. Great. That's a win condition for a Christian camp right now.

Oh, hey, Timmy, how'd you get COVID last summer? Oh, my friend Rob screamed into my mouth while I was burning his junk at camp. Yeah, right. Ray, be pretty sure, though, you send your kid to camp right now, they're fucked. So we need a quick break for something completely unrelated to contests or

icy hot. So we're going to close the headlines there. But Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Pit-ass wussy. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will be here to put me in the mood to insult people. Hey, podcast listener. I'm Eli Bosnick, and I will fuck your dad. You know, when I'm absolutely giving it to your dad, there's only one type of sheets I'll use.

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The only sheets for pushing your dad's elevator button to Pleasure Town. OK, there's absolutely no fucking way we're going to get paid for that, Eli. Well, we should. We should. Many decades ago, when 2020 first began, we had a bunch of vulgarity for charity roasts that we were still trying to knock out. And because everything that could go fuck itself at the beginning of this year can fuck itself so much harder now. It's taken a little longer to clear out the backlog than we expected. But we're still plugging away.

And to do that, we're going to need the help of Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast. Tom, Cecil, welcome back. Thanks for having us. I feel like for every roast, 2020 just roasted us right back. Holy shit! Is it still 2020? It has been for most of our lives, Tom. And it always will be.

Yeah, right. Well, let's dive right into this. Keith jeff would like a roast of his ex's new husband joe all right this is this is pretty excellent so joe looks like a musician who brags on his website about owning seven entire guitars and a keytar by way, and having 10 to 20 songs in his playlist of his career. And that's because he is. That's real. That's exactly what's on his website. His personal catalog has a vague range

that he can't nail down exactly as the person who wrote it. And he also runs a business that includes the service of exact words apology acquisition what he'll get someone to give you an apology for money except he runs this business in canada where apologies are subsidized like American religious bigotry. That's like selling racial slur acquisition to people of color in a Walmart parking lot in Georgia. That's nothing.

Also, Joe looks like a fetus in disguise as a grown-up. Yeah, that too. Groucho Marx glasses and mustache. Alright, so Eli, Corey would like a roast of him and the rest of the folks who run the Brainstorm podcast. Okay, the only thing this group looks like they could brainstorm is how to Photoshop a black guy into their group.

If there was a dining club dedicated to splitting a check 13 ways by item ordered, this group would be its founding fathers. All right, Cecil, this one's for you. Jeff would like a roast of anti-vax parents. What can you say about anti-vaxxers that they won't fraudulently list as ingredients in vaccines? Did you know that this vaccine contains S-I-9-M-B-C-L-A?

Do you know what that does to you? It's crazy to me that it's against the law for parents to put a kid in a car without a car seat or leave a kid in a car on a hot day or have one of those door-hanging Johnny jump-up things, but we can't make it a law to force anti-vaxxers not have kids? What the fuck is that about?

Or die. All right. Noah, you're up next. Steven would like a roast for his cousin Tim. Okay. All right. So physically, you've got to imagine that's fair. Steven would like a roast for his cousin, Tim. Okay. All right. So physically, you've got to imagine that George from Seinfeld decided to rock the fuck out. Right. And dedicated himself to it for years.

And mentally, you've got to imagine if Kramer decided to go out and fuck rocks. Because this guy, he's a fucking flat earther and a Trump supporter. And his most baffling belief is that he can still pull off that hair, dude. Dude, you're bald. Long side hair does not change that. Right? Nobody's looking at you and thinking, oh, wow, he averages out to a normal head

of hair. Also, just fuck you for being a terrible person while we're at it. And Tom, Steph would like you to roast mayo. Okay. All right. Excellent. Mayo is sandwich jizz. It's and Tom Steph would like you to roast mayo okay alright mayo is sandwich jizz it is in a bad way

it is often part of the program it is largely unavoidable and if there were a better option to lube that meat down your throat you'd fucking take it alright Eli this next one has you written all over it. Michael would like you to roast fantasy

author Patrick Rothfuss. How dare you, Michael? Patty, Patty, come here for a second, buddy. Come on, come on in. You got to write your fucking book, man. I know, I know. People tell you that a lot, but here's the thing. When you make stuff for a living,

nobody gives a fuck about you they just like the stuff you make that's it you're a maker of things and that's the deal and i understand it's confusing it's confusing you make stuff people like enough and then they like you and the stuff they say hey i like that thing you made thanks for making it i bet you're a swell guy but pat pat bring it in buddy they only like us for the stuff you know what my son learned to do this week patrick rathfuss give kisses that's right i say give kisses he goes with his little mouth it's adorable but i can't replace the fucking headline segment with my son's kisses because no one gives a fuck about me or my kid they like the things we make pat and if you don't

make the thing they forget about you. So get the fuck off Twitch. Stop doing podcasts, YouTubes, fucking musical side stories, whatever the fuck you're doing. Make the thing people want you to make. Because as much as it pains me to say this, Pat, nobody

ever goes down in history for being a great dad. Make the thing, Pat. Make the thing. Yes. All right. So while Eli calms the fuck down, we'll turn to Cecil. Anthony would like a roast of himself and make it funny or according to Eli, nobody will remember you or care when you die. This is facts.

That's fair. Anthony, dude, I know all those Ironman races get you nice and farmer-tanned up there, but you're standing on a red mat in this photo, and I cannot tell where your legs start, okay? But I will say this. I could tell where your fucking shorts start. If you were stuck on that island with Tom Hanks and Castaway, you could have lifted up your shorts about two inches, and the blinding white light that escaped would have gotten you rescued before dark.

I feel like I'm about to pull them back and a reading rainbow is going to leap out of there. And speaking of people who nobody will care when they die, Patrick wants a roast of Massachusetts State Senator Ryan Fatman Heath. Why don't you take this one for us? All right, so Patrick donated extra money, actually

with the stipulation that we don't make fun of Ryan Fatman's name. What? But fuck that, right? Ryan? Really? Ryan? Your name means little king in Gaelic. Your parents

named you after royalty, but not like important royalty. And you look like a third string joke writer for Tucker Carlson. You look like your sexual partner would describe your style as safety school. That tracks because you and Tucker Carlson both went to safety schools. right noah i got one

for you here rob would like a roast for the minnesota scrutin jason lewis oh yeah okay so this is the current republican senate candidate in minnesota who once wrote a book about how the civil war was too about states rights on his talk show, he also called young women non-thinking and compared same-sex marriage to slavery. Can be. Oh, and compared gay people to rapists. Jesus Christ, there's literally no difference between this guy's roast and his bio.

I could just do bullet points. Wow. We get a lot of those. All right, and Tom, Steven would like a roast for his wife's sister's ex-husband steve steve you gelatinous piece of walking dog shit just go ahead and keep doing what you're doing all right maybe you think you're winning by not holding down a job and not paying your child

support yeah you're really beating the system there java uh because supporting your kids that isn't a privilege that's that's the man steve i get it the man wants you to be a man to step up take care of people but and that shit's for suckers and nobody's gonna tell steve what steve has to do so if steve has to be dirt fucking poor if steve has to struggle and scrape and lie and cheat and if steve has to live a life hated by his own progeny despisedised by the only irrefutable evidence that Steve ever once got laid. That's what Steve's going to do. And nobody can stop him because Steve, Steve is his own man. He's a wild card.

He's a lone wolf wrapped in thousands and thousands of snossages. Weird shade for snossages and wild cards. Steve's got his own thing going. I know Job, our kids, are going to weigh Steve down from pursuing his dreams of choking to death behind a 7-Eleven on a roller hot dog. Because Steve's got to do

what Steve's got to do. All right. Oh, Noah, you know what that means? You're about to make it black because I really don't think we should do that during Vulgarity for Charity. No, silly. It's time for our brand new roast round,

multiple choice. Each of us are about to present you with a multiple choice roast, and it's up to you, no illusions, to figure out who the roast is for. Are you up to the challenge? Oh, damn right I am. All right, I'll go first.

Who did Shelly donate $200 for us to roast? Is it A. The living embodiment of the word hoomst. B. A sentient pair of pince-nez. C. Steve Carell if he stepped into a fly machine with a cheese fart.

Or D. Kelly's co-worker Keith. Oh, alright. Good question. I'm gonna go with secret answer E. All of the. Oh, all right. Good question. I'm going to go with secret answer E, all of the above. That is correct, No Illusions. That is correct. All right. Noah, next up, we have one from Meryl.

Who did Meryl pick to get roasted? A, the ghost of Liz Warren passed, who's standing next to Liz Warren in the picture we got. B, Heath's pornographic dream about the ghosts of Liz Warren visiting him at night. C, someone who described herself as ride or die for Nate Silver, which I guess explains the ghost thing. Or D, Ben Shapiro because his wife told him that a wet vagina is a disease

alright well just because it means I'll get to say it I'm going to guess and it is a guess D Ben Shapiro because his wife told him that a wet vagina is a disease it was D because Ben Shapiro's wife told him that a wet vagina is a disease

alright Noah who did Nathan give us $101 to roast that a wet vagina is a disease. All right, Noah. Who did Nathan give us $101 to roast? A, a couple that are thick, but that's actually a reference to their eyeglass frames. B, Nathan's friends, Shane and Annie.

C, a couple with the same amount of facial hair, despite both of them appearing to be growing it out. D, A couple that have certainly heard many times while setting up a threesome online. You look nothing like your profile picture.

Oh, that's a tough one. I'm going to go with secret answer E all of the above. It is secret answer E. Well done, Noah. Right, Noah. Who did Matt give us money to roast? Was it A, celebrity actor and forlorn sandwich enthusiast Keanu Reeves? B, Spencer Hanley, pastor somewhere who was an extra once

and wrote his own IMDB write-up so he could impress literally no one with it. C, maybe it was Matt's dog Sparkletoes A husky pug mix Whose parents needed more convincing than Ben Shapiro's wife To get it on Or D. Matt's best friend Rupert Whose hobbies include reading Spencer Hanley's IMDB write up For his five minute roll on Leave No Trace In a breathy voice

While fucking Spencer's wife So I think I'm going to go with B. Spencer Hanley Oh you got it I couched it in between fake ones Yeah no you tried to trick me I nailed it So I think I'm going to go with B, Spencer Hanley. Oh, you got it. I couched it in between. Fake ones. Yeah. Yeah.

No, you tried to trick me, but I nailed it. All right. Too smart for me. That's amazing. All right. Last, I'll take the request from Cynthia. Hi, Cynthia. Yes. Hi, Cynthia.

Noah, who did Cynthia give us $250 to roast? Is it A, Honey Boo Boo's mom and the used car salesman she blew for meth? B, the only member of Rectal Hair for Men and his jet ski made of fupa? Or C, her little brother Zach and his wife Catherine

aka Zacharin? This is a tricky one because I actually saw the picture and it could be any of those three. But if anybody is going to be nicknamed one slight change in sound away from a word that means vanilla and boring, it's going to be these two. I'm going to go with C, Zacharin. Oh, that is correct. All right.

Well, I'll tell you what. My brain needs a rest from all those very difficult questions. So we're going to pause for a bit and kick things over to the White House for even more roasts. Gentlemen, ladies, and whatever Sarah Huckabee Sanders is. Yeah, tough but fair. Tough but fair. I've called you all in today because I've learned there's a group of cod pastors, podcasters, Whatever. There's a group of podcasters who are calling more names than I am. So we need to double, horse noise, triple our efforts.

I'm sorry, sir. Horse noise? He means nay. Got it. Got it. Who's this guy? I'm Mike Pence. I'm your vice president.

So for instance, this Andrew Torres guy seems like he's been spilling the real tea about us over on his show, Opening Arguments. Though I have to say, he's the only man with hands smaller than my own, and I don't know who he is to criticize me. If I may, sir, if I may? Yes, sir.

Can I go? Anything on his business partner, Thomas Smith? Yes, perfect. Okay, so Thomas Smith might look like a beautiful, rugged, paper towel mascot, but the guy has more shows than like he's got so many shows.

He has so many shows like he might as well have like... Sarah, don't start a joke if you don't have anything. Okay, whatever. He has too many shows. If he starts one more podcast, he'll officially be in an atheism feud with himself. Actually, this just in,

according to opening arguments, opening arguments is funded by an LLC in Florida owned by the Koch brothers. Excellent. Well done, Sarah. Anyone else? Yeah, we got a request here about Klondike's boss's kid, Lindsay.

Oh, yeah, she's the one who got her dog vaccinated, but not her kid. Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Though, honestly, I'm looking at her picture here, and with those genetics, it's very possible she just got confused as to which was which. Lindsay looks like she's got the only operating DNA with a single strand. Her genetic code is a Mobius Began strip. Alright, alright. Well done, Sarah. We'll get back

to you in a second. Yes, Megaphone. Is Belonga, baby? You know this. Whatever. What have you got for me? Let's see. Well, David asked me to roast Jew. Roast Jews? Have you been talking to Mike Pence again? Not Jew, baby. Jew. Jew. Damn? Have you been talking to Mike Pence again? No, Jew, baby.

Jew. Jew. Damn it. She thinks she's a train again, Tyler. Never mind. I just said that a lot of people say sad that you slept with a porn star while I was recovering from Barong, but they're wrong.

I just munged out a placenta, so Jew missed your chance to be the second grossest thing that came out of me that week, baby. Well done, baby. Well done. Anything else? Joe, there's Megan's co-worker, Filch. I like Phil. I like him.

He looks like me, but without all the dignity. Just said it, baby. He looks like if Grinkle did not take the apple from the Kurgan Tridge. What? I've got nothing. I have no idea what she just said.

I'm sorry. Can I say something? Oh, my God. Ben Carson, when did you get here? I've been here the whole time. I'm not going to lie. I thought you were a memorial to John Lewis. I didn't think he.

That's fair, Mike Pence. That's fair. To be fair, you're so racist that when I called you and told you I was trapped in an elevator, you thought it was because I worked there. That's true. I did. Camilla. Chameleon.

I can't say black names. Miss Harris is going to make me cry on stage. Yes, she is. During the debate. She is. All right. Goodbye on stage. Yes, she is. During the debate. She is. All right. Goodbye.

Sorry. Can I say one more thing? One more thing? I mean, all evidence points to no, but go nuts. I just want to talk about Mike Pompeo. All right. Mike Pompeo, the secretary of the president, man, he's a gorgon, Jace? No, Mrs. Trump.

He is not a Gorgon. Okay, then I want my jewelry back. I was told he was keeping it in his jowls for something magical. You know, like to trade. Mike's a solid dude. Oh, Sarah Hockenbiss Sanders. You like Mike Pompeo? No, I mean

he's got a body James Franco could spend 127 hours trapped under. Oh, that's true. That's true. All right. Well, good meeting, everyone. Let's all file out of the room. Single file.

Girls first. So Mike doesn't have to leap out the window. Too late. Oh, he's so dry. He just turned to dust when he get the ground. Dibs. Dibs. On what?

Called it. On what? All it. On what? All of it. Mother. Thank you, us. Wow. Usually they hear Eli talk to himself that much.

You'd have to be on Twitter. Yeah, right. Or watch him do so. All right. So for our final round of roasts, we have a few big ticket roasters. These folks dumped heaps of moolah for a full course roasting. And this first one is for me. Adam wants a roast of the Archdiocese of Omaha because they are one of the many, read all, archdiocese that A, had to be formally asked if they had a list of credibly accused rapists

in their employ before they turned one over to authorities. if they had a list of credibly accused rapists in their employee before they turned one over to authorities and B, just so happened to only have people on there that were dead or shielded by a statute of limitations on the list, right? But it wasn't until I saw this request that I sat back and thought about what it must be like to look over those lists and recognize the names, to go through that list and see Father Tony on it. So I'm going to unleash perhaps the most insulting roast that we have ever deployed on this segment.

Archdiocese of Omaha, you are the worst thing about Omaha. That's pretty brutal. I fucking mean that. Cecil, this next one is for you. Ryan would like a roast of his dad, Rod. I've never actually seen a Yeti with a pompadour. He looks like

he's all set. He'll be all set once he finds a misfit elf to pull all his teeth out. I can't tell if the picture's blurry because you're a Sasquatch and there's no way to get a clear photo of you or if there's just no way to white

balance someone as white as you. You're like Frosty the Bernie bro man. All right. Heath Jonathan wants a roast of his dog whose name is Archduke Franz Ferdinand. That's a great answer. Yeah, they have a chihuahua

pug mix named Archduke Franz Ferdinand. And credit where credit's due, this is a perfect name. This dog looks like a Serbian terrorist wanted to start a world war, so he hit the Taco Bell dog in the face with a shovel.

Love it. And Eli, Brian would like a roast for his 14-year-old son, logan probably 16 by now who the hell yeah all right uh been a while since i roasted a 14 year old but here we go here we go uh logan buddy it's eyebrows plural uh or it's supposed to be i know you're a young atheist and that's cool but there's really no need to prove evolution by demonstrating what a neanderthal looked like in person buddy you can just get right down there in the center also logan just so you know just so you know if you would come to the seattle gam you would be on the podcast right now that's right logan we had balloons and a banner to introduce

you as our newest member of our show but your dad didn't let you come, and you can never, ever forgive him for that. As long as he lives. You hear me, Logan? Never, never let it go. Always talk about it forever. All right, and last but certainly not least, Tom. Someone named Haley, I don't know, spelled weird. The letters aren't in the right order.

I don't even know how that's pronounced. Who does that? It doesn't seem familiar but hayley would like you to roast the parent pickup and drop offline at school okay but uh this roast was requested at a different time something of a different world come back drop offline we miss you. We were wrong.

You don't have to learn how merging works. You don't have to learn anything. You don't want to learn, pick-up line. Just let me stay inside your sweet, sweet lane again. I swear you can cut me off whenever you want. You want me to show up and just stay inside of you for an hour without moving? I'll do that, pick, pickup line. I will. Take me back, pickup line.

I won't mock you or belittle you again. I'll let you use me however you want. You want two hours of my day? It's yours, pickup line. You can tell your friends. They can park anywhere on the street. I don't care. Sideways in a snowstorm. That's fine. That's fine. Just let me look at you

one more time, pickup line. Let me slide deep into your asphalt and I'll be your bitch forever, pickup line. God,

I miss you so much, pickup line. Just take these fucking kids. I will forget the word no forever. Just Tom with a boom box over his head.

All right. Well, there's still an embarrassingly large number of rows that we haven't gotten to yet but we're still determined damn it we're gonna make it happen so if you haven't heard your rows yet sorry for the wait we're knocking them out as quick as we can which means we'll be back soon with even more Tom and Cecil thanks as always guys thanks thanks for having us we were obligated to do it. Before we fade back into the crowd tonight, I want to remind everybody that Ben Shapiro's wife told him a wet vagina was a disease. That's how Heath would want it.

Anyway, that's all the blast movies we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait, they'll only be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even new episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this wouldn't rise to the level of episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being the best Heath he can be. Lucid Illusions for being the best Lucinda she can be. And Eli Bosnick for also trying very hard. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for helping out tonight.

and Eli Bosnick for also trying very hard. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for helping out tonight. And I should remind you that you can always hear more of them on the Cognitive Dissonance podcast, which you'll find linked on the show notes for this episode. I also want to thank Pat for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, he sent me that quite a while ago. I'm not sure if he's still doing the fanfic, but you can find what he has done by searching hashtag The Eli Chronicles on Facebook. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most honorable hominids, But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most honorable hominids.

Mark, Joel, Adam, Glenn, Vegan Fabio, Nathan, Genevieve, Kitty, Atheist, Vegan Punk, Treehugger, Carrie, J&J, Rusty Trombone, and Nick. Mark, Joel, Adam, and Glenn, who are so hot the Canadian girl from camp breaks about fucking them. Vegan Fabio, Nathan, Genevieve, and Kitty, who are hot enough to ignite the atmosphere but cool enough for us not to worry about it. And A vegan punk tree hugger Carrie, J&J, Rusty Trombone and Nick, whose IQs are so high Edmund Hillary tried to climb them. Together these 13 intimidatingly endowed infidels injected an inkling of encouragement towards our incitements this week by

giving us money. If you think your intellect is up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robinson

handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadeus.com. I was just very distracted by my failure to press play on the Zencast. Failure? I'm a failure. I heard that. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.