The Scathing Atheist - 396: Fearless Edition

Episode Date: September 17, 2020

In this week’s episode, John MacArthur calls our bluff, David AR White is gonna have to give away half of the money from my free trial at Pure Flix for 58wowyourestupidthisworkseverymonth at gmail dotcom, and Don Ford will be here in case the show didn’t have enough middle age white guy voices. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ ------ Headlines: Trump goes full climate change denier: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/14/us/politics/trump-biden-climate-change-fires.html John MacArthur holds another giant church service: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/09/14/defying-court-order-covid-denying-pastor-hosts-jam-packed-indoor-church-service/ Trump Skipped the ‘Under God’ Part of the Pledge Of Allegiance at a 9/11 Memorial: https://uproxx.com/viral/trump-under-god-pledge-of-allegiance-911-memorial/ Million Moms Need to Shut the Fruit Bowl up: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/09/12/angry-christian-mom-condemns-irresponsible-and-tasteless-dole-fruit-bowl-ads/ An AirBnB User Created a Modern-Day “Satanic Panic” After an Uncomfortable Trip https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/09/11/an-airbnb-user-created-a-modern-day-satanic-panic-after-an-uncomfortable-trip/ Kanye is Moses and Candace Owens Claims That Affirming Transgender Children is Satanic: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/09/09/candace-owens-affirming-transgender-children-is-actually-satanic/ https://variety.com/2020/music/news/kanye-west-tweets-universal-sony-atv-demands-freedom-1234769908/ Ukrainian Orthodox Church Leader Who Blamed COVID on Gay Marriage Now Has COVID https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/09/09/ukrainian-orthodox-church-leader-who-blamed-covid-on-gay-marriage-now-has-covid/ Christian pollster blames lack of Christianity for all the problems Christianity created: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/george-barna-claims-spiritual-deficiency-to-blame-for-collapse-of-american-society/ David AR White, the Man Behind the “God’s Not Dead” Movies, Is Getting a Divorce: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/09/10/david-ar-white-the-man-behind-the-gods-not-dead-movies-is-getting-a-divorce/ --- This Week in Misogyny: American Taxpayers Fund Genocide: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-54160638 Queensland forces priests to report sex abuse confessions: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/09/09/queensland-forces-catholic-priests-to-report-child-sex-abuse-heard-in-confession/ Steven Anderson kicked off of YouTube: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/09/11/youtube-finally-took-down-the-channels-of-christian-hate-pastor-steven-anderson/

Warning, the following podcast contains F's followed by U's. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Hymns, My Sheets Rock, Adam and Eve, and by Exploding Tree Insurance. Because holy fuck are his supporters stupid. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey there, this is JayBurley66 letting you know that as a Twitch streamer and moderator for Apex Legend X Cutty, the internet has proved to me

that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men and women. And some of us might be going backwards. Knock it off. It's Thursday. It's September 17th. And it's Constitution Day. Yeah, so we double-checked. Nothing in there about not wearing a mask.

Nope, nope. Quite a bit about voting, though. Good deal. Yep. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from presidential debate podcast host Joe Rogan's New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State,

and good husband Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, John MacArthur calls our bluff. David A.R. White is going to have to give away half of the money from my free trial at Pure Flix for Heath 59. Wow, you're stupid. This works every month at Gmail. And Don Ford will be here in case the show didn't have enough middle aged white guy voices. But first, the diatribe. The conservative Christians I know are the most terrified group of chicken little motherfuckers I've ever encountered. Bill O'Reilly tells them the atheists are coming for Christmas

and they post armed guards by the nativity scene on their lawn. Their politicians utter the word socialism and they suddenly hide under their bed from their own access to fucking health care. Their preacher tells them a goat monster is going to torture the ghost that operates their brain levers. And they give them 10% of their income in perpetuity to make it stop. For years, I've had to be the skeptical voice of reason, as I'm sure many of you have had to be, reassuring my religious relatives and friends that no, that doesn't cause autism. Laws count regardless of how you capitalize your name, and Facebook will not take ownership of all your photos at fucking midnight. I'm always the person saying it's not as big a deal as you think, and I've been correct with 100% track record on this kind of shit so i'd love to think that that would earn me some credit right if this pandemic has proven anything to me it is that that is not the case the most paranoid people i know

are all but universally ignoring this very real crisis the same people that were terrified of ebola when the nearest case was 5,000 miles away. These people, with more practice being terrified than anybody else I know, they cannot be bothered to give the barest hint of a shit about a legitimate crisis that's already killed more Americans than World War I, the Vietnam War, and trans people using public restrooms combined. And I sit huddled in my fucking house having left my yard twice in the last 186 days desperately pleading with my in-laws to you know maybe opt out of the bowling leagues and turkey shoots this year i i can't help but marvel at the role

reversal their brains are so primed to be terrified of every little thing and yet here they are in the presence of a circumstance that legitimately merits their fear. And they are fearless to the point of stupidity. Why? Now, it's tempting to explain this away by pointing out the lifelong existential dread their religion forces upon them, right? Demons are battling for their souls 24-7. They could wind up in hell, right? I mean, if they're good, almost everybody they love is probably

had in there. The Great Tribulation is perpetually right around the corner. You stack all of that shit on top of the political angst that conservatives are expected to shoulder. The caravan of rapist immigrants, the impending rise of Sharia law, unfettered gay access to wedding cakes, and suddenly you've got to imagine

world-threatening events just become a background hum. But obviously that can't be the explanation because they have no trouble whipping themselves into a frenzy over imaginary shit even now they can still fear they do still fear and some of the shit they fear is even real but they don't fear this well i'll tell you what one rule of thumb that i find always comes in handy when you're perplexed by christian behavior is to ask yourself could there be a sinister explanation for this and it turns out that in this instance there is see it's not like christians just all spontaneously decided to ignore this threat they were told to ignore it they were ordered to ignore it by the

people on high who speak for the author of the universe. Ignoring this threat was handed to them as a test of their faith. And as long as you don't impart any humanity or compassion under the Christian leaders pushing this like damn the virus full speed ahead attitude, it's easy to explain why. Their whole thing rests on their monopoly over your fears. You're supposed to fear hell. You're supposed to fear Satan. You're supposed to fear the secular world beyond the protective walls of this church.

You're supposed to fear eternal damnation and sin and the end times and the war against Christmas. You're supposed to fear the things that your church made the fuck up. Because imaginary shit is the only kind of shit it can protect you from. If you wake up fearing for your children's souls, your preacher can do something about that. Or at the very least, they can do as much about it as anybody else because souls don't exist. But if you're afraid for their health, the preacher is useless. Now, being useless obviously isn't enough to dissuade a preacher all by itself, right? But the pandemic is especially problematic because it isn't hopeless you know somebody will save us from this threat but the savior in this instance you know as in all the other verifiable measurable instances will be religion's arch nemesis science

yeah i mean religion i'm sure will still take credit for it eventually they'll thank god for the vaccine without a hint of irony but they'll know they were bested and they'll thank God for the vaccine without a hint of irony, but they'll know they were bested and they'll know that we'll know they were bested. So what do you do, right? When you know you can't win the contest, you pretend it doesn't really matter. You downplay the stakes from the beginning. You make it clear to everybody around that you don't really care who wins this one. You're not even really trying very hard for this. And to make that stick in this instance, you have to start pretending the whole threat is overblown early on, confident that science will save the day before it gets bad enough for your homicidal bullshit to have broad consequences.

Right. So their instinctive dodge was to say, sure, a global pandemic that's killing thousands of people a day might seem bad. But when you compare that to the battle for your everlasting salvation, this is really just a scrimmage. Dying from COVID sucks, sure, but it's nothing compared to burning in hell for eternity. And as frustrating and indeed deadly as that dodge is, it's also an admission, and it's an admission worth celebrating. Think about this. We're in a fight where our opponents feel the need to start making excuses in advance of the match. Something tells me that's a good sign.

They're talking about you, Jesus. May the roughness broadcast bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the igneous and sedimentary to my metamorphic Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to rock? Let's do this, Schist. Oh, it's so much better than mine. I just wrote, I hope you're ready for some jokes that are flaky as shale. Oh, Jesus Christ. Nailed it.

I too can do puns. No, I can't. I need to go get stoned. So we'll take a quick break for our first sponsor this week, Hymns. Problem. 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35. Why do guys turn to weird solutions or do nothing when they can turn to medicine and science?

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Will do, Eli. Will do. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, we have a quick reminder that there are no types of stupid that Trump doesn't embrace. And in case anybody had forgotten about that, he went full goddamn climate change denier on Tuesday and declared he knew better than all them scienceologists with their test tubes and their bleachers during a press event about the eighth of the country or so that's on fire right now trump dismissed the unquestionable role climate change is playing in these ongoing disasters and well actually quote well i don't think science knows actually and actual quote fuck which is so crazy because he was up there with scientists right like yep when your shitty

uncle says that at thanksgiving which by the way is canceled this year because of the plague he caused he's not sitting next to the guy who can be like oh do you want to look at my chart i brought a chart i'm the guy that guy was also like uh take off that lab coat mr president i said for sure we discussed that you're not allowed to have a lab coat. Take it off. Take it off. Grab my guy. Take it off.

Grab my guy. Eye poke. So this casual dismissal of observable fact took place on Tuesday, exactly one day after the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration declared 2020 to be the hottest summer ever recorded in the Northern Hemisphere, even though it's technically not even over for another fucking week during a briefing about the wildfires in california trump of course is busy saying that the wildfires are there because california doesn't sweep their forests enough or whatever bullshit he's trying to sell and california's secretary

for national resources whose job is to know this shit pushed back. He pointed out that global warming is very much a thing, according to all of the science. And he adds, quote, if we ignore that science and sort of put our head in the sand and think it's all about vegetation management, we're not going to succeed together protecting Californians, end quote. And Trump's jaw dislocating response was, quote, it will start getting cooler just you watch end quote fuck

is happening i i think he's practicing for burning in hell with his father guys there's thermite everywhere you got to sweep that up so now in response crowfoot ripped trump's skull open and fed him his own atrophied fucking brain while the room and indeed the nation cheered him on with gleeful abandon. But then he blinked really slow and he was still in the room. And the question had just been asked. We realized we were just seeing what he wanted to do. But he demonstrated some super illusion restraint and opted instead to simply say, quote,

I wish science agreed with you and quote and of course that brings us around to the dumb assery we started with wherein trump well actually is all of science oh sorry what i was blinking really slow what happened did it work no obviously this isn't the first time Trump has dismissed the consensus of science in general or climate science in particular. He'd been president less than six months when he wiped his ass with the Paris climate accord and his rollbacks of environmental regulations will probably eventually beat out his Corona virus response in terms of body

count. And at the very same time he was explaining how he couldn't hear the scientist, la la la democratic nominee joe biden was managing to speak in coherent fucking sentences right i mean he was also addressing climate change with actionable goals and a proven track record of following the fucking science and shit like that but let's be honest about where the goddamn bar is at least when we compare the two yeah and hey if you need help scientific american has an opinion yes this is amazing first time in 175 years we really just wanted to do picture of birds

but you know what what the fuck do they know i can't believe we have to fucking do this as their cover. And in MacArthur grant me COVID news, California pastor and police sketch of Mr. Peanut's great grandfather, John MacArthur saw Noah's challenge a few weeks ago to let some people spit in his mouth and raised him a giant indoor church gathering in defiance of court orders. Again, because at least according to my neighborhood, indoor church gathering in defiance of court orders. Again. Because

at least according to my neighborhood, COVID is a hallucination that only about a third of the country is having and everyone else is living a totally normal life or dying of it. Yep. Okay. Well, you set up like a poker metaphor and there's no cards

in this poker game, so we call and now we get to spit your mouth. That's great. Exactly. And I'm still social distancing, by the way. So just open your mouth and wait. I'll hit it from six feet eventually. So yeah, regular listeners to the show

will remember MacArthur for his constant efforts to fill a giant room with too many people in California since the very beginning of the COVID-19 crisis. Or perhaps, as I mentioned from a few weeks ago, when he used the existence of comorbidity to disprove the existence of COVID, saying, quote, there is no pandemic, end quote. It's gotten to the point where Christianity is as much defined by pretending real shit is fake as it is by pretending fake shit is real that's true pick a side that's true so in spite of being fined a thousand dollars for violating signage laws and in spite of a literal judge's injunction against meeting indoors last week john m MacArthur's church went ahead and met indoors again this week, posting photos on Twitter of hundreds, if not nearly a thousand worshipers

sitting right the fuck next to each other. And I love how that fine happened for the signage. The church put up a sign that says, it's your fault if you come in here and get COVID, we're not responsible. So Los Angeles County taped up a notice right under that sign that said, yes, the fuck you are responsible. That's illegal.

Here's your bill for $1,000. Wow. One last thing about this story. So MacArthur actually began the service by reading out loud the legal restrictions that are on his church so that everyone there would know they were breaking the law, I guess. And then he added, quote, obviously, this is not constitutional. But more importantly, it goes against the will of the Lord of the church who calls us to gather.

Amen. And then nobody said amen nobody said amen so then he said so look at the person next to you and say i don't know who you are but i'm so glad i'm sitting next to you end real quote jesus and say it quick because the clock's ticking for all you motherfuckers Yeah. Jesus. Wow. And in the cutting pledge news. Nice. Donald Trump, technically a grown adult of 74 years, failed a kindergarten oral exam last week. During a 9-11 memorial service in Pennsylvania, he couldn't make it past the Pledge of Allegiance without embarrassing himself. Now, to his credit, he was able to do the part with his hand on his chest, which is tricky. And,

you know, that's tripped him up in the past. But he was not able to make it all the way through the entire 31 words of that kindergarten oral exam. And he failed it the best way possible. He left out the under God part. What? And what I love about this is that this was the thing for someone. Someone was sitting at home because of the plague Trump caused watching this in between news breaks

about the world being on fire. And they thought to themselves, ain't nobody forget to wish Jesus a cheers during the America prayer. I'm voting for Joe Biden. Maybe he'll lose one vote. Great. So normally this would be a complete non-story for everyone except a few insane Christian people like Eli just described and also every homeroom teacher I've ever had in school, they made a big deal about that. But the timing was just too perfect. In case anybody missed it, Trump accused the Democratic Party of being evil, godless Muslim demons for removing the words under God from the pledge during the Democratic National Convention last month.

They did not. That did not happen. There's video of the standard Christian jingoism chant happening during all four nights of that convention. But now there's also video of Trump trying to mumble along with the pledge with his tiny little speaking aperture restricting his airflow and then just completely stopping for a second when the under God part happens. It's not clear what the explanation is, but none of them are good that i can know so like either he actually forgot the lyrics for that part and tried to be the guy pretending to go along with the song and couldn't do that part or he's secretly atheist and didn't figure he'd be on camera while standing on a stage in front of a news crew at a 9-11 memorial as president of the United States,

or his attention span literally maxes out at 22 words. What else could it be? Right. Yeah, his supporters are now stuck with minion of the accursed one or dumber than the average five-year-old, and the right answer is both, but they're not allowed to admit either. It's pretty fucking great. Yeah, it's a good day for us. Pretty great. And in air

Baphomet and Beelzebub news, author, Forbes, them too, author, Forbes 30 under 30 marketer, and man who looks like he always just won an argument with himself in the mirror, Frederick Joseph, took to Twitter

to complain about an airbnb he stayed in last week because it was run by satan well okay but to be fair when the gps directions kept telling him to turn down he should have seen that coming yeah yeah that's on him so here's the tweet that he sent out to 93 000 followers quote we just drove three hours my eight-year-old brother for a getaway and the house we arrived at ended up having seemingly satanic items and stuff for witchcraft rituals we had to leave because my brother and the rest of us were frightened but at airbnb won't refund me, end quote. And luckily, he included photos of said satanic items, which include a photo of a lady with her shirt not on, a tiny statue of Baphomet,

and a wind-up toy of a dog fucking a lady. Nice. And honestly, it's probably good that that wind-up toy was there because it clearly distracted this guy from the copy of pale blue dot by carl sagan that was right behind the toy on the bookshelf yeah now for the record the host actually offered to remove the offending items but joseph insisted on a refund which he was granted due to the nudity in the picture, which he had failed to mention to Airbnb in his original request. I guess he had originally just emailed that there were witches and Satan at the house

he had rented and waited for the money to hit his credit card. Yeah. There's also a picture of an outdoor tub like on a porch in the listing. And my favorite part is the reply tweet from this guy's friend that says, the outdoor tub is convenient for bloodletting outside and washing away the evidence. Oh, Jesus Christ. Man, that makes those Cialis commercials

so much more sinister, right? It does, yeah. It also means his friend is familiar with what's convenient for bloodletting. Yeah, I know, he's thought about that before, yeah. One other thing about this story, it seems that Joseph is only worried about Satan

when he doesn't need his help attacking political opponents. So for a guy who could not possibly stay a second longer in a house with a wind-up toy, the Church of Satan pointed out that he actually did tweet at them

and request them to curse trump in 2017 so he might not stay there but he's willing to network with the goat demon right yeah no this is not prejudice all right well i'll tell you what i've got to check and see if there's a kickstarter or something for cursing trump so we're gonna take a quick break to hear from our second sponsor this week my sheets rock okay Okay, Heath, how is this? Okay, no, no, no. I'm telling you, I think we need to go back to the left ankle. The whole thing feels off. I'm not going back to it.

Guys, why are you using a compass to tuck Heath into bed? Got no choice, Noah. I mean, we don't want him to be too hot or too cold. Yeah, exactly. That's the worst. So I'm telling you, like two more degrees on the right thigh, and I think we got it.

Okay, okay, but why don't you guys just use the bedding brand I discovered? It's called My Sheets Rock. My Sheets Rock? Yes, and they do. This company has reinvented the sheets game. Their sheets keep you cool so you'll sleep better than ever. My Sheets Rock created the regulator sheets,

which are designed specifically to keep hot sleepers cool and colder sleepers comfortable. That's because these sheets are made from the best bamboo rayon, which transfers body heat two times more effectively than regular cotton sheets so you can experience your best night's sleep yet. They sent us a set to try and it's like sleeping on a cloud.

A cloud that cares about my comfort. Wow. I've always wanted a cloud to care about my comfort. But Noah, what if I don't believe you? Don't believe me? Their five-star customer reviews speak for themselves. Plus, they offer a 90-day risk-free trial and free shipping and returns. Check out MySheetsRock at MySheetsRock.com slash scathing.

And enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's MySheetsRock.com slash scathing. Code scathing and enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's my sheets, rock.com slash scathing code scathing. All right, Eli, just put the compass away. I think we can just use my sheets rock fine,

but the winch set stays. Yeah, obviously. I mean, I can still use that. A man wrote the Bible. A horse. What's fun?

If it's a legitimate race, you're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. that. So that list of crimes against humanity that the Trump administration hasn't been credibly accused of is getting really hard to see with the naked eye, huh? And since there's so much shit I could be referencing when I say that, I suppose I should specify that I'm thinking specifically of the whistleblower complaint that an ICE detention center in Georgia is performing

mass hysterectomies on Spanish-speaking detainees. This allegation comes from one Don Wooten, who filed a complaint on Monday alleging, quote, jarring medical neglect, end quote, like refusing to test symptomatic detainees, falsifying medical records and failing to take minimal precautions to keep known cases of COVID-19 from spreading.

details of one doctor at the facility that's performing an abnormally high number of hysterectomies, often on patients that said later that they didn't understand why they were getting the operation or even what exactly was happening. So yeah, I know I'm supposed to try to mix in a joke here and there, but holy fuck, there's a point where I just can't bring myself to summon a pun and force sterilization is way over that line. The complaint quoted several unnamed detainees interviewed by an advocacy group called Project South, including one woman who said, quote, we've questioned among ourselves like goodness, he's taking everybody's stuff out. That's his specialty.

He's the uterus collector, end quote. And another who summed it up by likening the center to, quote, an experimental concentration camp, end quote. Now, at this point, we're only talking about allegations, though there are similar stories from several detainees. So far, the reports don't mention any physical evidence. So sure, there's no way to know at the moment if this is actually happening and to what extent it's happening. But regardless of how this shakes out, we've reached a point where our government, you know, the one we pay for, is accused of a form of genocide. And our general conclusion is, yeah, that does sound like our government. And, oh, in case you're wondering, yes, the Irwin detention facility where this is happening

is less than 70 miles from my house just like the Ahmaud Arbery shooting the Christian leader who slapped that reporter's ass that we talked about last week and a story about cops shooting at a car full of kids that you probably didn't even hear about because all the horrible shit down here drowned it out because the universe has conspired to remind the world that I live in the geographical asshole of America. So after a heavy ass humorless story like that, I owe you some kind of good news. I looked far and wide and the best I can come up with is a law in Queensland, Australia. That priests now definitely have to report child sex abuse that they hear about in confession. Though there's no word if that counts shit their guilty consciousness tell them about. Also, international pariah and hype man

for Lady Chor, Steven Anderson, finally got kicked off of YouTube, y'all. But if that isn't enough to cheer you up, I get it. So one last piece of good news. If I ever snap and go anti-misogynist superhero, it doesn't look like I'm going to have to put much mileage on the twin mobile to make a difference. And with that fanfic story prompt, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up

in headlines, we have a story about Jesus Christ, Moses, Nat Turner, and Candace Owens. And of course, the only person who could connect those dots is presidential candidate Kanye West. That is true. Yes.

Here's the yarn between those pushpins, as far as I can tell. Kanye is quite certain he's the reincarnation of an important historical figure, but he can't seem to decide on which one it looks like he's got it narrowed down to either jesus moses nat turner or possibly a combination of all three and also he's a big fan of candace owens who is horrible well look i mean he's at least as much reincarnation of nat turner as he is presidential candidate so why the fuck not maybe you know maybe you can run for reincarnation of moses i don is presidential candidate. So why the fuck not? Maybe you can run for reincarnation of Moses. I don't know.

Honestly, that's so much less dangerous than his current plan. We can bring him to a wave pool, turn it on when he waves his hands. Fun for the whole family. Absolutely. So, as most of you already know, Kanye is running for president

of the United States, mostly in Oklahoma, one of the only states where he's on the ballot. And with his campaign trail being pretty compact, that gave him plenty of time to be the physical embodiment of cognitive dissonance this week, as he has want to be. On one side of his brain, he's fighting for the black community, which is great. But on the other side, he's a Christian fundamentalist who thinks he might be Jesus and recently performed a Sunday service concert from the middle of a lake in Georgia, appearing to walk on water. And the video is pretty amazing. He walks out into the middle of this lake to meet his gospel choir. And he's trying to do this big dramatic entrance and be all magical.

But his kids are angrily walking on the water with him down this stupid ramp just below the surface. And they're my fucking favorite. It's the best. He's like, behold, it is I, Kanye, and I shoulder checked by my six-year-old son. Okay, you got me there, E. You got daddy. It is Kanye and a shoulder checked by my six-year-old son. Okay, you got me there, E. You got daddy.

So last week, the two sides of Kanye's brain smashed into each other. Never a good thing. And he started tweeting about it. First, he refused to make any more music until he's released from his contract with Sony and Universal, adding, on God, in Jesus name, come and get me, skier emoji. No idea about that last part, but the message seems to be that lots of musicians in the black community are making big money for mostly white executives. That's when he described the music industry as slavery and declared himself both Nat Turner and Moses of the Bible, you know, for helping free slaves, I guess. And it's a little grandiose, but again, there's an important message in there. But then he completely ruined his good message by tweeting, thank you, Candace Owens, and recommending her new book about how the Republican Party is super helpful to the black

community. And that was right after Owens did an interview with Blaze TV and described the affirmation of transgender kids as the literal work of Satan. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It turns out it doesn't really matter if Kanye cleaned up graffiti earlier in the day. That's not. Yeah. I mean, to be fair, saying that you're freeing the slaves by fighting for a bigger chunk of your millions of dollars while throwing the most vulnerable kids in our country under the bus is a way better representation of the Republican Party than an elephant. So I don't know if we can get that in a single cartoon, but. Yeah. So this is what happens when religion worms its way into politics. You get someone like Kanye, a billionaire, literally a billionaire with a huge platform and good intentions.

Yeah, generous. But some good intentions. But then he becomes a fundamentalist Christian and starts hanging out with that group of people. Christian and starts hanging out with that group of people. And whenever he starts talking about fighting for racial and economic justice, those people tell him about how Donald Trump was chosen by God and he gets all confused and he starts wearing safety slippers for a toddler and endorsing bigots. His heels get hurt because the slippers are way too small. Yeah. New rule between Trump and Kanye. I think we need a salary cap on presidential candidates for a few years. Might do us some good for all the years.

That would be nice. Yeah. Just all of them. And in you gotta be cranny in me news. In today's terrifying landscape of misery and bad news, sometimes it's good to sit back and be grateful for the good things in life. Like puppies, marshmallow peeps, and Ukrainian homophobes

who blame COVID on gay people getting COVID. Yeah, and just for the record, that's by far the most coherent section of Eli's vision board by a lot. So listeners may actually remember Patriarch Filare of the Ukrainian Orthodox

Church who blamed the pandemic on gay marriage saying the virus was quote god's punishments for the sins of men the sinfulness of humanity i mean same-sex marriage it's the marriage part that he's focused on yeah i guess philare spent a little too much time thinking about gay marriage for God's liking because his church confirmed that the 91-year-old has been diagnosed with COVID on Facebook this week, saying, quote, we informed that during planned testing, his holiness, Patriarch Phila Ray of Kiev and all rush Ukraine tested positive for COVID-19. Now his holiness, Bishop, is undergoing treatment at a hospital, end quote. The only possible his holiness, Bishop, is undergoing treatment at a hospital.

End quote. The only possible conclusion here, then, is that he was secretly gay married. Oh, yes. So, yeah, I know that all of us here

at The Scathing Atheist are wishing Filet-O-Fish all the best in his recovery. But, you know, just in case the 90-year-old doesn't beat this thing,

these things happen, pretty sure he's going to be greeted by God and her life partner at the pearly gates. So, that's going to be awkward. Oh, this guy's perfect.

You're going to be our lawn gnome. Great. Stand right there. And in broadside of a Barna news tonight, Christian pollster George Barna has been making the rounds to whatever SPLC-listed hate group will have him,

desperately blaming the relative lack of Christianity for all the national problems that Christianity has created. And it differed from the suggestion that we end partisanship by all becoming Republican, only in that it didn't rise to that level of theoretical effectiveness. Yeah, obviously. He wants us to put our right hand in and take our right hand out

way before we all join the theocratic ethnic state he's in charge of. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely agreed, Eli. Republicans should all take the Gom Jabbar test from Dune. Two votes.

Gay fear is the mind killer. All right. So let's start with this recent appearance on Washington Watch, where an ambulatory hate crime, Tony Perkins, invited Barna to opine on why everything is so inescapably terrible under the leadership that they advocated for and continue to support compared to anyone else who has ever been in charge of anything ever. And Barna explained that it was because of America's profound spiritual deficiency. That's right. The wildfires, the pandemic, the racial tensions, the cratering economy, the civil unrest, and the naked corruption that have characterized the most evangelical administration in American history is because it wasn't Christian enough. history is because it wasn't Christian enough and thus the

solution to those problems obviously is to do the exact same thing they did to stoke all the problems in the first place but harder he might as well say not enough gender reveal parties right yes so

Barta was surprisingly candid when he followed this up on wall builders live a show hosted by anal fungus removal specialist David Barton. Hey, I'm tied with him when it comes to being honest about what his profession is. During that discussion, he pointed out that if you want kids to buy the kind of bullshit Christianity is selling, you really have to nail them down before they can outthink the evangelical worldview. Yeah. Quote, a person's worldview is going to start developing at 15 to 18 months of age interesting it will be almost fully formed by the time they reach the age of 13

end quote yeah so yeah he just straight up admitted that by the time they can like name objects and picture books and stack rings from largest to smallest, you have missed your cognitive window. Okay. Well, this is why I made sure that there is both a zip liner and a mango nectar baby flashcard for my son. No matter how many times Anna rips them up, I keep adding them back in, throwing them back on there.

And finally tonight, in white wedding news. Yeah! And finally tonight, in white wedding news. Yeah! A very, very tragic tale of D-list star crossed lovers is finally coming to an end. David A.R. White and Andrea Logan White, the Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker of the Christian stage. They're getting divorced.

So David cited irreconcilable sharp face and Andrea cited irreconcilable permanent dampness. They both mentioned severe lack of talent. and despite making a career of judgmental Christian movies with very toxic messages, including one called Marriage Retreat that's literally about the sin of divorce, they're officially splitting up and going to hell. Aw.

Don't worry about losing your wife, Davey. I'm sure Jerry Falwell Jr. has one you can use. I mean... Yeah, Dave, I feel like your secret plan for Christian movie groupies is not going to pan out like you're hoping, bud. I don't think it's going to go well.

All right. Well, here's the announcement we got from David A.R. White about this tragic news. You know, it's a very dark, solemn moment in his life. Sure. So he fired up Instagram and posted the following. I pray you're doing well during these uncertain times. Thank you.

And that each day you're reminded of the constant and unwavering love of the Lord. Okay. And now that he's firmly established that 2020 is evidence of the loving God of the Bible, he also added, we'd appreciate privacy in this matter that I'm telling you about on Instagram. Yeah, right, yeah. Hashtag David's privacy. Well, you know,

originally he tried to get this somber announcement on Chris Evans' meaty log, but they couldn't come to a sponsorship agreement. And so, whole thing. So, divorce, you know, it's obviously a very difficult, blah, blah, blah, fuck you. Fuck David.

This is the guy who founded Pureflix. Fuck you. Pureflix is responsible for God's Not Dead about how atheist philosophy departments banned metaphysics from this country's academia. I had to listen to the fucking newsboys because of this. I had to hear

a band in the park covering the fucking newsboys and realize that I know what song I'm hearing right now. That had to happen to me because of this. They also made Brother White about literally taking up the white man's burden. Seriously,

that's what that's about. Yeah. Now, in fairness, Pure Flix also gave us Revelation Road 2, in which former NFL superstar Brian Bosworth explodes a moving car

with a mystical atheist war hammer, flipping it through the air over and over. It's actually a moving car. He smashes it. Do you guys remember? So good. I can't think about anything else.

Possibly the greatest moment in movie history. But then they also made Unplanned about the fucking shop vac with a wood chipper that they have at Planned Parenthoods. And now David's asking for privacy and consideration. So no. Yeah. No, absolutely not. You're a monster and a. So, no. Yeah, no. Absolutely not. You're a monster and a hypocrite.

No. And that means we're going to go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Oh, really? Speed roast David A.R. White. Go. The wind's good. The wind is good.

You look like somebody left their Owen Wilson fuck doll on their dashboard. Producer, writer, husband. Who'd have thought the thing he'd turn out to be best at was acting? You look like surfboard cancer. You have the physique of a pile of laundry that seems like it should have tipped over by now.

You look like you gave up the Backstreet Boys for youth ministry. You look like a failed audition for the middle of an evolution chart. You look like wet sandals smell. David's so two-faced people flip him to make difficult decisions. You look like your goatee transplant

is rejecting your face. Your haircut looks like it was done with that shop-back wood chipper from Planned Parenthood. David's hair is so bad, his salon had to change their name to Just Okay Cuts. I don't like your movies. They're bad movies.

You have very little talent. Oh, I got a good one. You're a filthy adulterer condemned specifically in Luke 16, 18, Matthew 5, 32, and 9, 6 through 9, 1 Corinthians 7, 10 through 11, and 15, Romans 7, 2, Hebrews 13, 14, and Mark 10, 22, among others. You look like you tried to negotiate

your parental visitations with Puka Shell. You look divorced. All right. Well done. So I guess now we are to this week's headlines as Andrea Logan White is to David because we're ending it there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Do Monty. Actually, we ended it amiably so the fucking analogy breaks down. Anyway, when we come back, Eli, thanks as always. Do Monty! Actually, we ended it amiably, so the fucking analogy breaks down. Anyway, when we come back, Eli will learn that the first eight books were the good parts of the Bible. Hey, podcast listener. You know, whether you escaped from religion yesterday or 20 years ago, you probably have some weird

mental hang hangups about your down there parts. That's right. From homophobia to transphobia to kink and slut shaming, religion is full of ways to make you scared of your wetlands. And that's why we'd like to take a moment right now to officially give you permission to buy yourself a sex toy. mission to buy yourself a sex toy. That's right. You buy yourself a sex toy. And I know what you're thinking. Me? A sex toy? No way. Yes. Yes, you and yes, way. No matter who you are or what you're into, there's a sex toy for you. But don't go to the sketchy vape store slash sex shop at your local mini mall. Buy sex stuff for your fun bits at adamandeve.com. adamandeve.com is a sex positive online retailer.

They'll sell you a sex toy and send it right to your house on the download. They've got reviews, recommendations, and helpful information that you can view from the comfort of your computer. Plus, you can get almost any one item 50% off when you use our code scathing at checkout. And best of all, assuming you use our code scathing at checkout and best of all assuming you use your sex toy with consenting adults we can personally guarantee that you aren't doing anything wrong you aren't weird and you deserve it yes you do so get your literal freak on at adamandeve.com and don't forget to use the code scathing at checkout for 50 off any one item adamandeve.com because sex toys are real

and god is not hello i'm mitch mcconnell i'm susan collins and i'm ted cruz and with election day just 47 days away we're asking you please don't vote we all represent states that are generally considered solid red or solid blue, which is great for us because it means that you won't vote and we'll get to keep our jobs. That's right. See, our secret is while you're not voting for president because you think your vote doesn't matter, there are dozens of way closer races and referendums that you're also not voting on. But you know who is voting? The people who elected us.

Yes, the people who elected us are such reliable voters that we can dedicate pretty much our entire election effort to voter suppression. Because we know that our supporters can probably overcome the blocks that we put up. And we're betting that you, yes, you personally, probably won't vote. So whatever you do, don't order that mail-in ballot and don't check your registration status

at youhavetofuckingvote.com because we like things just the way they are. And if you don't vote, that's the way they'll stay. That's youhavetofucking that's you have to fucking vote.com to check your registration because all we need to win is for you to do nothing we've now made it through three of the oxymoronically titled historical books of the bible in skit form this is the section that exists because

something had to connect the pentateuch to the wisdom books and jews hadn't invented yada yada yada yet and today we set sail on first samuel the start of a six book stretch that is somehow repetitive compared to yada yada yada in this month's installment of bible peace theater Bible Peace Theater Samuel. Right. There are two. There are two. Well, there's two twos. One after each Samuel. So two Samuel ones after each Samuel two? No. Two Samuels first and second, both of which have a two. Ah, so

you could say twos on first Samuel. Thank you so much. Okay, so what happens in this one? Alright, so once upon a time... Why are you on my lap? You said once upon a time. Okay, fair, I did.

All right, so once upon a time... Are you guys both comfy? Yes, I make a living. Right, so once there's this guy named Elkanah who he had two wives. Stop. Stop. Stop hitting. No hitting. He had two wives, Hannah who hadn't born him children and

Peninnah who had. Peninnah. Okay. Definitely not pronounced that way. You want Melania in the sketch or not? Okay. Yes. Yes, I do. Melania. Ah, my not? Okay, yes. Yes, I do. Melania. Ah, my wives, Hannah and Penina. The time has come to make our sacrifices.

Just said it, baby. I'm going to glow the grass fish like it's one wedge to Greg. Yes? Is that a possible answer to what she just said? Yes? Yes.

Grinkle crack Joe. Oh, Hannah, what's the matter? Oh, I'm just crying because I haven't given you any children. Oh, come on. Aren't I just as good as children? Well, that's a weird thing to say to your wife. Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

Here's an extra portion for you to give to God. You know, because he closed up your womb. Oh, gee. Um, thanks. And, and because you're my favorite. I'm a stunting rat here. Yep, you sure are. Would you rather I cheated on you with a porn star while you give birth to our first son?

You know what? That's fair. Alright, now dry those tears and ask God for a son, huh? Okay. God, if you give me a son, I'll make him your servant and I'll never, ever

cut his hair. Please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh cut his hair. Please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please. So then Eli. Yes. No, actually, the character is named Eli. Oh, nice. This is Eli. Yeah, so he's a priest.

He sees her praying and he thinks she's drunk. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please. Okay, lady, come on. On you get. Come on. Come on. What? Come on. This is a place of worship.

What? Seriously? Seriously? You're drunk at the tabernacle. Cut it out. No, no, no. I'm not drunk. I'm praying.

Oh. Ah, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. I knew that. I was just, you know, because a pregnant lady drinking would be. I'm not pregnant. Hmm? Oh, yes.

No, I knew. Of course you're not pregnant. You're just... Nothing? Not going to fill that in? Hey, what's that? Oh, God just told me your prayers are going to come true. Oh, they are?

Oh, hooray. So that I thing should clear up any second now. Wait, what eye thing? Jeez, can you people wear a sign or something? Right, well, drunk mistake or not, the next morning, Hannah conceived a son, and soon Samuel was born. Well, how about that? A son. I bet you're pretty happy. I sure am, husband. And just as soon as he's weaned, I'm going to give him to God.

Sorry, wait. You're going to give the son that you prayed for to God? Yep. Just like I promised. So you prayed for a son so that you could just give birth to him and give him away? Well, when you put it that way i i did not think this through no you did not eli eli hey yeah what's oh hi it's it's i lady what i mean praying lady what's hello praying lady yes hi um well I prayed for a son

and I got him oh that is great yep God God sure is and and now he's yours

he's what now uh he's yours I give him to you uh that thank you but we're actually pretty good.

Oh, God. You are so awesome. Oh, you're praying again in the middle of the song. And you make blind people see and dead people live again. Okay, very much does not do that. And you are so awesome and so great. It's like a whole chapter of this, just so people at home know. And may you break your enemies into itty bitty pieces.

Okay. Right, so Samuel grows up serving the Lord, but Eli's sons were sons of Belial. Wait, what's a sons of Belial? Isn't that the guy with the donkey? No, that was Belial. Belial is a standard for bad people. In Hebrew, I think it just literally means worthless. Worthless.

Got it. My sons, my sons, come, come here. One second, Dad. One second. We're just finishing up this loud and aggressive game of foosball we've been having in a public space for the last 40 minutes. Then we'll be right over. Yeah, you're going down because you're gay.

No, no, you're gay. No, you're gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay.

Gay person. Okay. Okay. Well, boys, it's your job to collect the meat for the temple today. So if you could try not to be the worst. Yeah, nice. Totally going to gank that bacon. Yeah, we are. You love bacon so much you're gay for it.

You're gay. You're gay for bacon. You're gay. Yeah, you're the gayest thing since gay came to gay town. Gay bacon. Okay. Right, but see Samuel, Samuel is really good and serves the Lord. Wait, I thought Samuel was a baby.

Oh, oh, he is. All right, kiddo. Don't forget your little ephod. Thanks, mom. Thanks, dad. All right, now you scoot. Yeah, that's a great kid you got there. Oh, well, thanks, Eli.

Yeah, no problem, Hannah. So I actually spoke to God and you're going to have three more sons and two daughters. Wow, that is awesome. Yeah, and you don't even have to give those ones away. Those ones are yours. That's good. That's great. Oh, hey, look.

There are your boys. Oh, yeah. Hi, boys. Gay. Gay. You're so gay. No, you're gay. You're the gayest thing ever.

How are your kids doing? Oh, my sons? I, you know, they won't stop fucking people at the entrance to the tabernacle. So I'm pretty sure God is going to kill them. Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. Yeah. Yeah, me too. Gay.

Gay. Gay. You just fucked a gay dude. So that night, God appears to Eli with some bad news. Eli. Hey. Hey, Eli.

Uh, yes, God? I mean, seriously? Us again? This is why we hired Don. It needed to be me for the Eli joke to work. Oh, no, yeah, it's a great joke. I bet they love it. Rolling in the aisles because it's your name. Okay, are you God or my depression? I mean, I'm omnipresent, so both. Great. Awesome. Thank you. What's up? All right. Look, there's no easy way to say this, but it's about your sons. Ooh, yeah? What about them? Okay, look, I don't say this lightly, because believe me,

I have some experience in this area, but your kids, they're the worst. The worst. Yeah, yeah, no, they are. So, I'm gonna have to cut off your arm. Oh, my arm? Really? Ah, that sucks. Nope, no, not really. That's just a metaphor. Oh, phew, because I thought you were actually going to... What I'm actually going to do is kill your sons and curse you so that nobody in your house ever lives to be old. Oh, wow. That is way, way worse. And, and I'm going to make sure someone else is the high priest from now on. And your family is going to have to like beg for crusts of bread to live for the rest of your life

and for all generations. Any chance of getting my arm cut off instead? I'm afraid not. Okay. cut off instead? I'm afraid not. Okay. Well, that is, that is rough. But, but, hey, here,

before you go, have a copy of Don Jr.'s book. Oh, uh, thanks? Yeah, I had to buy like 500,000 of these things. I've got them everywhere. Yikes. Yeah.

Yeah, yikes. Like I said, I get it with shitty kids. So with Eli fully cursed, it was time for God to appear to Samuel for the first time. Good night, Eli. Good night, Samuel. I'm sorry God is going to kill your sons and curse your whole family line. It happens, kid.

Don't worry about it. Hey, hey. You want this book he gave me? No. Yeah, that is fair't worry about it. Hey, hey. You want this book he gave me? No. Yeah, that is fair. That is fair. Samuel. Samuel.

Yes? Eli? Hmm? I didn't say anything, Samuel. Pretty sure I just heard your voice. Samuel. Samuel. Yeah, okay. Just now. You did did it again that's what I'm talking about oh no you know what that must be God

talking to you really cause super duper sounds like you does it sound like me I mean maybe like you doing Cartman from South Park like really badly it's not clear okay everyone's a critic today yeah that's God just tell him you're his servant you doing Cartman from South Park like really badly? It's not clear.

Okay. Everyone's a critic today. Yeah, that's God. Just, you know, tell him you're his servant and see what he wants. Sarah, Sarah, get in here. This thing is broken. You're going to hold down the button. That's what she said. Am I right?

That's what she said. Nice. Right? No, it's working. I'm here and I'm your servant, I guess. I like this kid. I like how different his voice is from mine. At two, Sarah.

At two. Anyway, kid, listen up. I fucking hate Eli. I'm gonna get him big. Big time. And if you tell him or anybody else, I will kill you and your whole family. You got me? Um, is this really what happens in the Bible?

Yeah, that God threatens a small child? Yeah, bet your sweet ass it is. Uh, okay. All right, stay fresh, cheese bags. Okay. Bye. So, uh, what did God want? Uh, well, I can't tell you, or bad stuff is going to happen to you and to my family.

Does that sound like God to you? Yeah, no, that sounds exactly like God, kid. So, yeah, don't sweat it. Just, uh, get some sleep, right? Okay. I'm nine. You are. You are nine right now. Nine years a child and with the promise that this story doesn't get less fucked up in the coming chapters

we're gonna wrap for the night but we'll be back next month with even more bible peace theater Before we lay me down to sleep, I want to remind you that you have to fucking vote. And if you're a listener outside the U.S. that can't vote, I just ask you to bear with me for another 47 days. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Off and What We Stay, being at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show Godolphin Willis debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Media debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I'd be in breach of format if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for being precisely as married as David A.R. White is now. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for being such a great exemplar of all the happiness that David A.R. White is missing out on these days. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for not dropping my ass like I was David A.R.

White. I need to thank Andrea Logan White for making this compliment theme so easy to nail down this week. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for not dropping my ass like I was David A.R. White. I need to thank Andrea Logan White for making this compliment theme so easy to nail down this week. I also want to thank Jay Burley 66 for providing this week's Firesworth quote back in December of last year. Again, big back lug. If you haven't heard yours, that doesn't mean we lost it. Appreciate your patience, bro. But most of all, of course, I want to thank

this week's best people, Atheists, Natalie, David, Patron Saint of Podcasts, Fruto Hoops, Adam, Greg, that Belgian guy Dan, and Brady, WC, Yonashonas, Laura, and James. Atheists Natalie, David, and Fruit, who are so badass cans a whoop-ass threaten to open them. Adam,

Greg, that Belgian guy, and Dan, whose erections are measured on the Mohs scale of mineral hardness. And Brady, WC, Laura, and James, who are so hot they have coronal mass ejections. Together, these 13 thoroughly thankable thinkers of thoughtful Thank you. or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingads.com. And if you'd like to help, but that doggy in the window isn't going to save up for itself, you can also help us a ton by leaving a five-star review anywhere. They'll let you do that and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-N on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Tauras,

Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. Nope, we're just going to cut all these things I'm saying. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.