The Scathing Atheist - 399: Lord of the Flies Edition

Episode Date: October 8, 2020

In this week’s episode, Tom and Cecil join us for some finely aged roasts, Donald Trump gets infected by a hoax, and we learn we can inflict COVID with our wishes. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: You can hear more from Tom and Cecil here: https://dissonancepod.com/ As per the Farnsworth Quote, for all your tights needs, check out https://seamlyne.com/; the official tights provider of The Scathing Atheist. --- Headlines: Trump Credits “Miracles Coming Down from God” for His Alleged COVID Recovery: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/04/trump-credits-miracles-coming-down-from-god-for-his-alleged-covid-recovery/ Chrisitan Hogwarts has COVID: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/03/christian-hogwarts-may-be-responsible-for-spread-of-covid-among-young-people/ LGBTQ community takes over Proud Boys hashtag: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/06/gay-pride-content-dominates-hate-group-hashtag-proudboys-on-twitter/ Amy Coney Barrett: Abortion is “Barbaric” and IVF Should Be Criminalized: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/01/amy-coney-barrett-abortion-is-barbaric-and-ivf-criminal/ Largest Catholic diocese so far declares bankruptcy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/02/catholic-diocese-in-new-york-becomes-largest-so-far-to-declare-bankruptcy/ Catholic freaking out because some baptisms don’t count: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/06/catholicism-just-fell-apart-because-the-vatican-said-some-baptisms-were-fake/ The USDA’s Hunger Relief Efforts Are Violating Church-State Separation Rules: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/01/the-usdas-hunger-relief-efforts-are-violating-church-state-separation-rules/

Warning, this episode contains profanity, but don't worry, most of the words are conjunctions and shit. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Stamps.com, and by Intravenous Bleach. Don't puss out now, Mr. President. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Bill Morris with Seamline.com. I make tights for renaissance festivals, theatrical companies, and opera companies. And while it may seem like an odd qualification working with cod pieces every other day, I can assure you we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's October 8th. And it's National Fluffernutter Day, so everybody... It's a sandwich. It's a sandwich. Okay, never mind then. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnett. I'm Heath Enright. It's a sandwich. And from Eric Menendez, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia,

this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Tom and Cecil join us for some fine aged roasts. Donald Trump gets infected by a hoax. And we learn that we can inflict COVID with our wishes. But first, the diatribe. Y'all, imagine what the Christians would have done if Joe Biden had come out to his debate all demonized with flies crawling on his head and shit. I mean, seriously, for you and me, it was just a really easy how full of shit is this guy set up.

But for them, it would have been Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies. It would have been the scent of death upon him. It would have been foretold in the book of Revelation. I mean, as a guy who's watched something like 32 trillion Revelation flicks, forgot all the movies, I got to say, there has never been an easier setup I mean as a guy who's watched something like 32 trillion revelation flicks for god awful movies I gotta say there has never been an easier setup for apocalypse forecasters to make their case Trump is exactly the figure that Christian filmmakers imagined as the antichrist Lesser European accent

I mean all the fake piety, the cult of personality, the bellicosity The utter and almost comical personification of the seven deadly sins. His son-in-law owns the building at 666 Fifth Avenue. The virus inflicting his presidency has a crown just like the little scorpion horse locust things. Hell, the only reason we've never seen a fictional antichrist gas innocent protesters and kick a priest out of his church so he could hold a Bible upside down on cameras because some things are too on the nose for even pure flicks producers i don't get me wrong i'm not saying that any of this shit actually lines up with biblical prophecy but we're talking about people who were saying obama was the beast of revelation

because the beast was supposed to have the feet of a bear and bears were chicago's football mascot and no i did not just make that up and yet here we have this fucking antichrist's conspiracy potential served to them on a silver fucking platter and not only do they pass on it but they also like lick covid infected shit to demonstrate their loyalty to him and i i know that christian hypocrisy isn't exactly novel it's my stock in trade after all but one out of every four christian movies released in the last 40 fucking years has been pushing the very specific message that if a dude like donald trump ever comes along you absolutely should not give him political power and despite lining up with the beast of revelations as though that's what

he was going for, American evangelicals look from him to the Bible and the Bible to him and pluck out King fucking David. They were given a clear case of an immoral leader, but because their book of morals is entirely free of morals, they found an immoral leader, but because their book of morals is entirely free of morals, they found an immoral leader that was a good guy. They found an example where the evil guy who did evil shit was God's favorite and declared that their guy was more like him, really. They literally reached into their ostensible book of morals and came away with an analogous character that allows Trump to achieve virtually any level of depravity without losing his evangelical support. David conspired to have a guy killed in a battle because he wanted to keep fucking that guy's wife. So yeah, by their high moral standard, he probably could shoot a guy on

Fifth Avenue without losing their support. See, for a long time, religion has tried to justify its existence by pretending it was some kind of ethical bulwark, right? They were the moral majority. They were the moral majority. They were there to hold politicians to a higher standard. As society's sense of goodness deteriorated at the hands of ever more violent video games and ever more lascivious television shows, they remained rooted to some unchanging, incorruptible principles that would shield them from the moral degradation of the world around them.

And yet, when the nation faced an actual moral dilemma yeah one that even conveniently lined up with all their little silly left behind prologue symbolism shit theirs was and remains the least ethical response if i may be so bold as to quote from a future historian or dare i say all the future historians, the fucking Trump presidency was a moral gauntlet for America, and it is a test that we largely failed. But no demographic failed quite like the self-proclaimed defenders of decency. When the least among us were in genuine danger, the disciples of Christ circled their wagons around the oppressors. When we teetered on the brink of civil immolation,

the followers of the Prince of Peace sided with the guy fanning the fucking flames. When the test came, the moral majority turned out to be neither. Joining me for headlines tonight on the shave and a haircut to my two bits, Ethan Wright and Eli Posnick. Fellas, are you ready to coax out Roger Rabbit? Two bits! Sorry. Oh, please use that as a code for sex with your partner. If we leave one thing behind on this earth,

I want, are you ready to coax out Roger Rabbit as an innuendo to be it? And also, don't forget, check out manscaped.com for that shave and haircut. Offer code awful. Hey, by the way, the Roger Rabbit was a bit of a shout out for Jeffrey, a listener who, like myself, is celebrating 300 days without tobacco today. Ooh! Nice. Good work.

And on that, congratulations. We'll take a quick break for a word from our first sponsor this week, ZipRecruiter. Okay, so then Karen needs access to the mask station without walking past Heather's desk. Then I got to find a new guy for six feet away from there,

but with access to the bin of Christian hypocrisy. Hey, Tony D, what you working on there? Oh, hey, Heath. I'm just trying to figure out how to hire someone from my various warehouses

of topic-based comedy. Yeah. I mean, with all the new safety regulations in play, it could be a real hassle. I mean, look at this. Carol needs access to Tony D's house of convenient excuses and minority sidekicks, but she needs to be six feet away from Kyle,

who needs the sidekicks and Christian Karate warehouse. Wow, yeah, that sounds tough for you. Why don't you just try ZipRecruiter.com? What's ZipRecruiter.com? What's ZipRecruiter.com? ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job sites. But they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, they scan thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and actively invites them to apply to your job. ZipRecruiter makes hiring efficient and effective with features like screening questions to filter candidates and an all-in-one dashboard where you can review and rate your candidates.

In fact, they're so effective that four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day, one day. Wow. Blondage? That's right, Tony D. Blondage? That's right, Tony D. Glondage. And right now, if you want to try ZipRecruiter for free, our listeners can go to ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing, huh?

Yep. ZipRecruiter. The smartest way to hire. Thanks, Heath. Now, how about a great deal on some Christian karate for you? I'm listening. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, in Flue de Ta News.

Nice. God gave Donald Trump COVID and also cured his COVID-aster. Boo, boo, God. Yeah, sounds a lot like a welfare state to me, but the president was okay with it this one time. The health insurance was provided by the US government. The medicine was provided by the scientists he ignores and lies about. And none of the medicine was hydroxychloroquine or photons or bleach,

even though that would have been the greatest doctor prank in the history of the world. Side note, super sad that doctor prank isn't really a thing very often. Like, I get it. Good for ethics, but it's bad for comedy. That needs to be more of a thing. And in this specific case, bad for the world. Yeah, no bad for ethics as well.

Right. All right. right well despite all the medical care provided by science and the communist american taxpayer donald trump declared the entire process a miracle jesus yeah i remember that part of the bible where lazarus is standing in the time square telling people not to let death ruin their lives. Yeah, God's like, sorry, guys. I thought it would teach him humility. Looking back, that seems naive, especially for an omniscient deity.

My bad. Obviously. So Trump was at Walter Reed Medical Center over the weekend. And at some point, he made him set up a special Twitter studio for him to make a video statement to put on Twitter. And these are the exact words from the president. Quote, if you look at the therapeutics, which I'm taking right now, some of them and others are coming out soon that are looking like, frankly, they're miracles. If you want to know the truth. I wouldn't be watching a video of you if that's what we wanted, Donnie. One more time. They're miracles. Continuing. People criticize me when I say that. Yep,

we do. That's fucking stupid. There you go. That was the correct part of that. Continue one more time. But we have things happening that look like they're miracles coming down from God. So I just want to tell you that I'm starting to feel good. End quote. Look, if miracles from God look like a nerd in an N95 mask handing you a Z-Pak, even though they know they shouldn't, we would believe in them. It's not what miracles from God look like.

Yeah. And just to be clear, Trump is feeling good because he got pumped full of steroids. Right. For now. By the way, that's the stuff God invented because baseball is fucking boring. Didn't really change anything on the baseball front, but it's a medicine too sometimes.

Yeah, because if Trump's personality was missing anything, it was roid rage. Well, regardless, personality was missing anything it was roid rage well regardless here's the important takeaway from the president of the united states he thinks the coronavirus is totally beatable and everyone should stop worrying about it just make sure you got your helicopter ready to fly you to walter reed medical center and make sure you have health insurance that doesn't get taken away by the addition of another libertarian theocrat on the Supreme Court and then pray for a miracle. All that stuff. You're all set. I know I'll be praying for the lives of those COVID cells in the West Wing. I'm pro-life on this one. I think that's important. Yeah. Not to put too fine

a point on it, but Trump beat COVID while 200,000 other Americans didn't is our slam dunk argument for atheism. Everything else on today's show is glitter. It's glitter, people. And in My Power is super spreading news. Regular listeners to the show might be familiar with the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry Also known as Christian Hogwarts

I would go so far as to say desperately known as Christian Hogwarts But just in case you're new around these parts Hi, I'm Eli, kind of the darling of the show Anyways, Bethel is the Christian school that attendees of Liberty University get to make fun of We've reported on their student activities over the years is the Christian school that attendees of Liberty University get to make fun of. We've reported on their student activities over the years, like trying to walk through walls using Christian magic. And hurting themselves. Yep, and hurting themselves real bad. Or sucking up Christian magic by lying on graves. And hurting themselves. And hurting themselves, yeah. And as will come as a surprise to nobody, they've got a whole fucking bunch of COVID.

How much COVID? How much COVID, you ask? Thank you, Heath. According to the school, they have some-ish. Cool, good to know. Yeah, in Shasta County, California, where the school is located, there have been nearly 100 COVID cases among people in their 20s over the past two weeks. However, the other two major colleges in the area have only reported eight cases total. So when they were asked how many cases Bethel had, they replied,

quote, a portion of the new cases in Shasta County have been amongst our students and staff. So we are taking swift action under the guidance of public health to minimize additional spread, end quote. Oh, no actual details. How presidential of them. But honestly, this shouldn't surprise anybody who knows about this school. I mean, one of their preachers has already publicly denied the severity of COVID. And let's not forget that at the very start of the epidemic, local hospitals had to send students home who kept sneaking in to cure people with their magic powers.

Yeah. Yeah. They try to walk through the wall of the hospital room and hurt themselves. Yeah. And they had to go home. Because at this point, Christianity might as well be listed as COVID's number one comorbidity. Right. And in stand back and stand corrected news tonight.

Fantastic. In one of the best bits of trolling since planting peace, put their rainbow colored equality house across the street from Westboro Baptist Church, gay men across the world took to the internets in the past week to reclaim hashtag proud boys.

This is such good work. So that the racist, sexist, homophobic, scrotal fungus that use that very same name get to scroll through plenty of gay dudes being very gay when they're searching out for their xenophobia fix. You know, for a white supremacist

group based on rejected Aladdin songs, these guys have some confusing triggers, right? Fusing. So if you weren't familiar with the Proud Boys before last Tuesday's debate, you suddenly became so when Schmucka L'Orange told the SPLC-listed hate group to stand

back and stand by right before ominously musing about how some organized group of some sort should do something about Antifa and the left. You know, the whole left. And if you weren't familiar with them before, it also means you probably missed that video where the asshat tries to tear that gay poster

at the pride parade. So you need to take a minute and rectify that. We'll wait. It's so good. Get ready for my big impactful tearing display. Here we go. Nope, hurt my hand.

Okay. I just got to get it started with a bite. What is this made of? Kevlar? What is happening? But yeah, after Trump now infamously refused to condemn the group, George Takei of being awesome fame suggested flooding their hashtag with pictures of gay men, quote, doing very gay things, end quote. And a quick perusal through Twitter will show the fervency with which the gay community and their allies took up the call. And in my opinion, this is exactly how we deal with these assholes.

Right. Never take your eye off how dangerous and poison they are, but also do so without giving them the notoriety that they so desperately crave. but also do so without giving them the notoriety that they so desperately crave. No matter how much of a threat they become, they will always still be nothing but the butt of the joke. Excellent work. Hijacking a hashtag. Love it. Well done.

And in forced birth of a nation news. During the debate with Joe Biden last week, Donald Trump said, we don't know Amy Coney Barrett's position on Roe v. Wade. So, first of all, yes the fuck we do. You're an idiot. She's a forced

birtherist Catholic fundamentalist. We do know that. That's obvious. But I guess Trump, maybe he was using the royal we. He meant he, we, royal. doesn't know her position. And that's a weird thing to not know about the person you're nominating for the

Supreme Court for her entire lifetime. Trump excels at weird things not to know. You know what? He's the best at that. Yeah, he is. Well, fortunately for Trump, while he's lying in bed, struggling to breathe, it's super tragic that he's probably having to do it right now. I feel so bad. Oh man,

he's just wheezing and he can barely, he's scared. But while that's happening, he can have Melania read him one of the many news reports this week about the very clear anti-choice propaganda statement that Barrett signed in 2006. Or, you know, he could have asked her before giving her a 40-year spot in the highest court of the land. I'm just throwing this out there. Right. Or he could have counted her kids. There are so many ways to know so the statement that barrett signed was part of a two page ad in the south bend tribune and claimed the right to life from fertilization to natural death so that's pretty fucking clear on that position yep depending. Depending on its location, cum is a person. Also, menstruation is murder. Mm-hmm.

And death with dignity should be illegal was also implied by that. Yep. And just for the record, the group that made the propaganda ad also believes that

in vitro fertilization should be illegal. Jesus fucking Christ. I have no idea how you get that. Whatever. And just in case Donald still hasn't

pieced together Barrett's position on abortion, that statement also called for, quote, an end to the barbaric legacy of Roe v. Wade, exact words. So let's go ahead and get ready for a giant lie about Barrett's case-by-case non-opinion at a confirmation hearings. Right. I mean, that's if we bother with questions.

I hear McConnell's actually planning to do it like drive-through COVID testing. Or the Kushner version of that, which is where you say you're going to do it and then don't. Yeah, that sounds about right. And one other detail, just in case anyone missed it,

she's in a Catholic nesting cult. She's part of a cult inside of the cult of Catholicism. People of praise is what it's called. And it's very clearly anti-choice. Also, they very literally believe they can heal the dead back to life. Yes, they do. That's a real thing.

They're just batting zero this whole time. They're definitely magical, though. They're just in a slump forever on that. Forever so far. Maybe they'll get a chance with the president. But, Donald, if you're looking for

another solid resource about the person you already nominated, it's a great time to do a little research on that right now. Yeah. You can check out

the website for People of Praise. They actually tried to make that impossible by erasing the internet recently and removing all the content about Amy Coney Barrett. But that's not how the internet works. Also, even if that was how it works,

they just made it worse. Like now I'm just assuming there was a video of her screaming homophobic slurs very proudly at a Walmart manager. Like best case scenario from your asshole perspective, people have praised, you erased what I'm now assuming. So that's nothing. Well, and based on the last confirmation hearing, that's not disqualifying behavior for a Supreme Court justice as long as Hillary Clinton is that Walmart manager. You just kind of get Hilldog in the mix.

And in another one bites the dust news. New York State's diocese of Rockville Center raped so many children that even though they own tremendous amounts of tax-free land and have taken in purely tax-free income since ever, this week they declared bankruptcy, making them the largest diocese to do so to date okay this is a giant mafia scam yeah pretend that each diocese is somehow a separate business so victims can't sue the fucking vatican for the giant vaults of nazi gold that they definitely have but the top of the rico chart has been the vatican the whole time fucking obviously

also did i mention they have nazi gold yeah kid rape and nazi gold what like name the two worst things right that's the fucked up thing is that the nazi gold is not the most incriminating thing in their vaults no i would say not top five not probably not. Yeah. So for the record, the archdiocese has already paid out more than $62 million to approximately 350 sex abuse survivors just since 2017. Jesus. Thanks to a New York law that temporarily suspended the statute of limitations on those crimes. Well, this past August, that window was expanded to

January because I guess New York State decided to give people a few more months to talk about the horrific abuse they suffered as a child. So the diocese, as a result, faces more than 200 further claims of abuse. Yeah, and I know we've talked about this before, but to be clear to the listeners at home, until there are no more raped kids awaiting justice was an option right that concept exists in new york too they went with january instead when they went with january and while what can only be described as a child rape factory going bankrupt is a good thing for the world this is actually probably a bad thing for the victims. So according to an attorney for 73 of them,

bankruptcy will deny a jury trial to victims and limit their ability to unearth private documents through discovery. Plus, in some cases, plaintiffs could receive smaller financial settlements than they might have been awarded in a civil trial. Yeah, yeah. It's bankruptcy protection.

That's the word that goes after that. And we're giving protection to this rape. I don't understand. Yeah, yeah. It's bankruptcy protection. That's the word that goes after that. And we're giving protection to this rape. I don't understand. Yeah. But that's not the story the church is selling. According to Bishop John Barnes, quote, our goal is to make sure that all clergy sexual abuse survivors and not just a few who were first to file lawsuits are afforded just an equitable compensation, end quote. Not adding adding which is why we've done literally every legal thing possible to make sure they don't get it right yeah right plus other stuff this is a franchise for the one of the largest landowners in the entire world there's stuff to sue them for it's fucking ridiculous yeah and in lost and font news tonight You know nothing reminds you

How hard religion is to take seriously Quite as much as Trying to take religion seriously And we were reminded of that over the summer When the Vatican's congregation For the doctrine of the faith Overturned decades of baptism On a technicality thus throwing

The Catholic world into a very hard To take seriously calamity. This is the stupidest thing. It's so good. It's such idiots. You missed it. The babies all over the world, they just magically dry up. Curse you, doctrines of faith.

Nobody ever expects them. So anyway, when you get baptized, there's a bit where the priest says, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, yada, yada. But starting in the late 80s, early 90s, some congregations went first person plural and started saying, we baptize you instead of I baptize you to emphasize how like, you know, the whole congregation was involved.

But since these are actual magic words, you can't just change them. Or at least that's the contention of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which declared that all baptisms performed with the offending pronoun be retroactively invalidated. Which, for some true-believing

Catholics, means their loved ones are in hell! Mm-hmm. It also means people are like bursting in the door of the priest's office yelling like, did you use

first-person singular plural for the magic spell? Yes, right. It's serious. What did you use? Remember. Remember that. And they're like

rewinding old camcorder tapes watching in slow-mo looking for the lip motion. No, you said I did it. Now we got to go to hell. Makes you really feel for those folks whose priest has a lisp, right?

He's just sitting next to him in church. Fuck, is he good? Or do we have to find the Holy Ghost? Well, so an amazing example of one of those kicking through the door things that he was talking about comes to us from Detroit, where a catholic preacher named matthew hood whose baptism was recorded on video back in the 90s turns out not to have been like officially actually baptized which means according to catholicism he's not technically a christian which means he's not technically a priest he's getting dumber which means that everybody who ever confessed to him didn't technically get absolution not a samurai doesn't yeah exactly and since failing to treat this like a real thing

would be a stark admission that they know its entire bullshit the archdiocese rushed out a notice explaining that while hood did lack absolution powers or cracker transmogrifying powers so none of that shit counts. He does still have baptism powers because even non-Christians can technically do that. Otherwise, there could never be a first Christian. So assuming he didn't fuck up the pronoun,

his baptisms still count. There's no way they pieced that all together logically. And finally tonight in Would You like a sandwich religion are you news. Jesus Christ. Dude, when they're that labored,

feel free to just ask for an epidural first, okay? Thank you. Thank you. Yes, much needed. You know, when you talk about how much God there isn't

for a living, you tend to get the same questions over and over like, what's a podcast? And my cousin has a used car lot. Do you want me to see if I can get you a job over there? Eli, Eli. Right, but, but, one of the

religious apologetics we get all the time is that without religion, there wouldn't be any charity. Or at least there'd be way less of it. Not sure I understand the thinking. And we were reminded of what a fucking stupid argument that is this week when it was revealed that one of the only good government responses to covid the farmers to families food box program has been nearly fucked to death by religion wow while

they were helping covid victims who weren't quite fucked to death by religion yet yeah that's what happened so little background here. Farmers to Families food box program is a good idea. So the USDA has been using distribution networks already in place to buy farmers produce, then arrange for it to be boxed

and delivered to food banks and other nonprofits working to feed the hungry. Except some of those food banks and nonprofits are religious religious and according to the food news outlet the counter they've been treating it like it was their turn to tell people in the mad maxiverse not to get addicted to water so look we're talking about people that have managed to stay financially viable for hundreds and hundreds of years by hoarding

salvation right what the hell do we think was going to happen when we gave them something real Bible for hundreds and hundreds of years by hoarding salvation. Right. What the hell do we think was going to happen when we gave him something real? Yeah, obviously. So in addition to the usual corruption that was discovered, like contracts for ill-equipped companies, profiteering pricing schemes, uneven distribution and punitive responses to negative feedback, it's also been reported that religious institutions are being allowed to just cram as much Jesus into each box of sandwiches that they want. Wow. According to a recent article from The Counter, quote, we found multiple instances in which churches promoted their own messages while distributing

taxpayer-funded boxes in potential violation of USDA guidelines. Potential? Yep. The issues range from relatively minor, like slapping church logos on each box, to more significant, apparently saving people at distribution sites, telling recipients the boxes are from God, and asking volunteers to pray in person for every single box recipient, end quote.

And now Jesus wants you to do the truffle shuffle before you get it. Fuck you. And now we're all going to lay hands on each other and all this food for pandemic. Maybe handle a few cobras too and then release them. It should be great. Yeah, and I want to point out that additionally, according to Hemant Mehta over at The Friendly Atheist, some religious distribution programs aren't even giving food to the needy instead they're just implementing programs where people can come and take as much food as they like

as long as they belong to that church they change religion fuck so next time someone talks to you about how great their church's local soup kitchen is, remind them that there are charities without a religious requirement that help people. And that maybe, maybe if we didn't let religion corner the market on helping, they'd be able to do their jobs a lot better. No shit. And with that reminder echoing in your ears, we're going to close out the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. To Monji. And when we come back, we'll stop being so nice. And if you buy both, I can throw the necklace in for free. That sounds great. I'll take them. Oh, no, you don't. Hey, wait, who are you? It's me, Captain COVID, and I'm here to kill your business. Oh, no, I can't buy this stuff from you

because now I can't leave my house. And I can't sell this stuff to you because I can't leave my house. Never fear. Stamps.com is here. Hooray! That's right. Thousands of small business owners have discovered the benefits of Stamps.com in recent months. They've been able to keep their businesses running

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Thanks, Stamps.com. I have been defeated! Hooray! podcast listeners. We got our 400th episode coming up next week, and we'd love it if you could be a part of it. We're looking for your favorite scathing atheist memory, whether that's something that happened on the show or something that happened to you when you were listening to the show or quoting it or forcing your shitty religious roommate to listen to it. Just record your story in MP3 or WAV format, keep it under 30 seconds, and email it to scathing400 at gmail.com. That's scathing400 at gmail.com. We's Scathing400 at gmail.com. We're going to be including some of our favorites in next week's episode,

unless they're all boring and shitty. And now, back to the show. You know, it was about this time last year when I turned to my friends and I said, hey, maybe we should put a cap on the number of insults we agree to do on the show for vulgarity for charity this year and joining us tonight 11 months into fulfilling that obligation are two of the men who outvoted beyond that from the cognitive dissonance podcast and more importantly citation needed tom ceasel welcome back thanks for having us no thanks for you know the night 18th time is a charm. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we're clearly more than halfway through.

We'll be charming. Through it, so. Living on a prayer. All right, so we're going to start out with one for you, Cecil. Panthera of Thundercats fame, I do believe, would like a roast of the corn goblins of Indiana. Oh, okay. I can see how this could be confusing,

but you got your taxonomy wrong here. Corn goblins are from Iowa. Meth ogres are from Indiana. That's different. I can see why you would confuse the two. They both have green skin and they both think stand back and stand by is a condemnation. But what really, really differentiates them

is the height. Corn goblins aren't as tall as the corn so they can hide in there and meth ogres need to be big enough to get the pseudofed off the top shelf.

So it's a little, yeah, a little different. Nice. All right, Noah. I got a nice cheery one for you in return. Ingrid would like you

to roast eating disorders. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Cherry. Eating disorders are great because the only thing better than a crippling and sometimes fatal psychological problem is coupling that with the complete inability of the rest of the world to take it seriously. Right?

And by the way, apropos of nothing, have you ever say something like, well, you don't look anorexic? That was the wrong thing to say. I know it sounds like a compliment in your head to an anorexic. That was the wrong thing to say. I know it sounds like a compliment in your head. Dude, anorexic, that sounds like you're fat. Just throw in that. I'm just getting like, just Jesus fucking Christ eating disorders. How the fuck are you even possible

if evolution is a thing? I don't get it. All right, Eli, Coral would like you to roast Marlon Bundo. That is Mike Pence's rabbit. Fantastic. I still just love that so much. Marlon Bundo, what a good roast's rabbit. Fantastic. I still just love that so much. Marlon Bundo, what a good roast.

As Carl the Pug of Pegacore. Oh, it's such a good roast. Oh, hey, Marlon Bundo. I mean, look, I don't want to spread gossip, but the last time I saw him, he was behind the glory hole at the bunny version of the eagle. And let me just say this,

bunnies don't have a hanky code because they don't wear pants, so anything goes with Marlon Bundo. Anything. eagle. And let me just say this. Bunnies don't have a hanky code because they don't wear pants. So anything goes with Marlon Pup. Anything. Last time I talked to him, he was concerned about a cough going around his house. He's fine. I'm sure he's fine.

Good. Good. All right. Well done. Positive. He's fine. And Heath, Jim would like a roast of ketchup. Yes. Ketchup? Wow, that's a tough one. How do you roast the number one vegetable of the 1980s American cafeteria cuisine? Oh, right.

No, you mentioned how Spanish conquistadors carried out a genocide of the Aztec people. And the worst result of that was eventual ketchup. The world was given this amazing thing called the tomato. And then some asshole five-year-old was like, I want it all squished up with diabetes. They made it for him. And that five-year-old became president of the United States. Dumped it all over his well-done.

Ketchup ruined a well-done steak think about that sentence unforgivable oh my god oh all right and tom duane would like a roast for his boss mary all right yeah bad bosses

kind of a dime a dozen and that that's not a surprise because being in charge of stuff and people, that's actually pretty hard. And we should remember that. We should give bosses some grace on these things, except Mary. It's not hard to be better than Mary. Mary is the kind of boss that wants to be a boss for show. Who believes that running things is about the optics, about the way authority looks to other people. And Mary, and people like Mary, they'll never understand that being a good

boss is about caring about and caring for others, and that it is actually a terrific privilege of trust to hold other people's lives in your hands. I shouldn't say never, though. Mary will almost certainly figure it out, actually. She'll figure it out when she finds herself discovered as the naked emperor that she is, exposed and foolish and inevitably defeated. And when she finds herself there, she will discover that she has alienated everyone around her, burnt every bridge, damaged every relationship until she sits crying alone in her empty, shitty condo, the sound of her echoing

loneliness, her final earworm. Jesus Christ. I don't think I'm not a boss of anything. Alright, so Eli, Felipe would like you to roast him, but he'd like you to do it in a quote, in a Jewish voice.

Alright, Felipe. but he'd like you to do it in a quote in a Jewish voice. All right, Philipe. I hope that last name's Goldstein, buddy. All right. All right. Philipe asked me to roast him back when he was a hundred pounds heavier and he included a picture.

And honestly, I don't think that's fair. I mean, at the time you didn't need an industrial smoker to's fair. I mean, at the time, you didn't need an industrial smoker to roast Philip. I mean, congratulations on your weight loss, Philip, but I'm guessing I could use

your loose skin as a chuppah at this point. You look like the love child of Johnny Lingo and the most abriable cow he brought back. All right. I got a good one for you here, Heath.

Trevor would like a roast for his friend's mom, MJ. Yeah. Okay. So MJ is one of those amazing Christian moms who disowns their kid for being gay.

Of course, that takes a huge emotional toll on that parent. It's very tough for that parent. And that's why she's part of a support group for moms of so-called prodigal children. Oh, she's a fucking crying lady. Yeah, it's real tough for her. She's got a support group.

So, MJ, just so you know, you're going to AA meetings at an Irish bar and drinking. And it's full of bigots too. Well, okay, sorry. You're going to AA meetings at an Irish bar and drinking. That's nothing. You're still drinking. You're an asshole. Also, you look like a wanted poster in Belfast in 1985.

Which is the last time you cut those bangs. They're ridiculous. All right, Noah, you're up next. Levi wants a roast for his cousin Tanner. Oh, yeah. Tanner's one of those guys who works out a lot and hopes that if he's lumpy enough everywhere else, he'll mistake his hairless scalp for an extra bicep.

I think his fucking brain flexed all the hair out of his head or something. But congratulations on working out your uh mormonism problem there tanner glad to see you finally got the easiest of all the questions correct and judging by your facebook photos here's hoping that you'll eventually be able to apply that same level of judgment to questions like should i be caught dead in this t-shirt all right cecil garrett would like a roast for coach Melvin okay what the hell does it say about your basketball coaching style when your main strategy is scrolling through Instagram while the kids are practicing like posting up suddenly got a lot less exciting for these kids

I could see spending a bit of time on Insta flaunting your big time lifestyle, but you're posting torso mirror selfies, like cut off at the knees and the head. Like it's just your fucking shirt and your gym shorts. What the fuck, dude? I mean, if you want to show up late and be disinterested and play around with your phone the whole time, why not just fill in for Tom on Citation Media when he has the week?

Why not just do that? All right. So I already had to learn how to pronounce an Icelandic volcano, so I didn't bother learning the correct pronunciation here, but Tom, how about a roast for Norwegian politician Sylvi Listaug for Truls? Yeah, that's not going to be a problem.

Sylvi is trying to ruin Norway. Think about that. That's Norway. I would gobble up norway's sloppy seconds until it was running down my chin and i would be fucking grateful for it right and this useless horrid person is trying to ruin the best things about norway hey sylvie if you take away the great education and healthcare, all you have left is the cold and the endless monotonous dark.

That's it. The only reason Norway is a secular socialist paradise is because it's either that or rely on pickled fish to catch the world's attention. How the fuck do you live in Norway and look around and be angry and be like gee this is all working so well i should fix that by ruining it forever

all right spectacular so now it is time for our first spightning round and the category is bad dad so i got a series of dads and i want you to tell me what we would find inside their father's day card we're going to start with cat's dad michael okay well the photo we got is showing michael who who got injured playing geriatric rugby recently and he's he's trying to dress up for halloween as a sexy bride that was the goal but he somehow landed on tennis pirate, which is weird. I don't know how you got to that. So along with your Father's Day card, I'm also sending a tennis ball to stick on the bottom of your sexy bride peg leg. All the time after your next rugby match. Probably stop playing rugby.

Oh, and how about Laura's dad, Tom? Well, we know why you old people start acting nice as you get older. It's like a kid being super sweet in late December. Don't worry. We won't forget

you're a prick. As to the card, let's, you know, I say pay him back the $400 with a gift card for Charmin toilet paper because he's the world's

biggest asshole. All right. We got one here for Dustin's dad, David. Okay. Let's go ahead and take a look. All right. On the cover, it's a tool belt. It's pretty standard dad card stuff.

Says, happy Father's Day. Let's open it up. And wow. Okay. That's a lot. I'll just start. Dad. Okay. We skipped deer. That's not a good sign. Father. Let's see. Hello. Men set a pretty low bar for parenting and still you managed to fail at meeting even the most mundane expectations. For Father's Day, I want you to take the day off,

just relax and spend the day thinking about fatherhood. That's nice. And about what it means and what it could mean and about what having a really deep and lasting bond with your son should feel like.

Okay, that's the next one. Now think about how you failed utterly, completely, and perfectly in that responsibility. Take a moment. Reflect on your cruelty, your indifference, and embrace this. This is your legacy. Happy Father's Day.

And happy is crossed off. And so is father. Ouch. All right, Eli. What does Laura's card to Bill say? Oh, dear Bill. Well, I know how much you care about responsible birth control, so please see includedancestry.com printout

to see that your dad did not feel the same way. So congrats to your crusty dick dad for slaying all the pussy you're too scared to get. Happy Father's Day. I have a remarkably similar one for Sarah's dad. Pete, this is an awkward card because she recently found out that her dad had an illegitimate half-brother and wanted me to make fun

of her dad about his, in her words, horndog old man. So I feel like we have a Russian nesting doll situation. It would just be like, glad to be the one you admitted to with a note that says pass it on. Right. And then. All right.

So now it's time for a round of special requests. First up, Eli, Elizabeth would like you to roast her 14 year old son, Atticus. OK, well, I'm pretty sure Atticus is already the head of a company worth several times all the money I've ever made in my life. So he builds trebuchets and has a knight's helmet. Nice. So first of all, Atticus, don't think I don't see that you're trying to slide into my position as Cecil's best friend. Okay, I see you. Not best friends.

Not best friends. Not now, Cecil. Not in front of Atticus. However, Atticus, the bad news is your pure Aryan genes have unfortunately made you look like the Malfoy that was too racist for the Malfoy family. You look like you got kicked out of Hogwarts for marching out of the Forbidden Forest

yelling, Jews will not replace us. All right, Noah, got one for you here. Emma would like you to roast her cat, Jezebel. All right, yeah, so Jezebel is apparently an idiot cat who constantly gets outsmarted by household objects and once had to be rescued from a harrowing fight

with a dried chunk of her own shit that she was losing, right? It's a scrappy, scrappy little piece. So here's the thing, Jezebel, though. The bar is not that high to begin with. You're a fucking cat. You belong to a species known for mistaking I can see the bottom for there's no food in it. That thinks they're still going to catch that glowing red light

one of these days. That chews on the cactus more than once. And you are dumb for that. You know how even in a Trump cabinet meeting, there still has to be a dumbest person in the room? You're like that, only without the evil

and bigotry. Probably. Alright, so next up we have an interesting challenge for you, Heath. Okay. Jennifer would like you to do an ode to Scotch. Hark, thou plaintive call, beckoning me to my nightstand as I wake. All right. Your voice, redolent serpentine synecdoche.

What? Thesaurus. Redolent, serpentine, synecdoche, thesaurus, that I may slake mine thirst and wash down plaque and clotted saliva. Fantastic. Well done. Well done. Magic. That is magic. It's pure magic. Thank you. All right, Cecil.

See you, doc. I'm going to roast for Larry's cousin's husband, whose name is literally Chad. This guy has truck nuts on his big douchebag truck you sent pictures in. You have to start calling him hanging, Chad. You have to do this. Chad is a fucking coward, milk toast racist.

Like, oh, I'm not a Nazi. I just really like their logo. You look good in a hood, dipshit, because you're a racist. Like, oh, I'm not a Nazi. I just really like their logo. You look good in a hood, dipshit, because you're a racist, not because it makes your face look thinner. All right, awesome. Tom, why don't you do Olivia's ex-coworker, Christopher? All right, well, Olivia says she's been trying

to set this guy on fire with her mind for years. What? I know why that wouldn't work, Olivia. People the size of Christopher, they can't be set alight. The best you're going to do is a decent rendering of them. That's it. Like, can a man be made of tallow? The whole man?

That's a lot of the man. Is that even a human component to make people of? Look, I get it that Christopher's bad at his job, and he disappears on you for hours. I can see how that would make you upset. I get that. But here's the thing. I know where Christopher goes when he sneaks off all day. He's in the shitter, Olivia. He is sitting there in a tiny stall with the odor of the waste of his life wafting up at him like the perfume of his failures. And he is breathing it in, Olivia. He is reveling in it because that stench, heavy and vile,

that is the essence of him. That stench is the distillation of every broken dream of his lost and desperate life. And all he knows how to do is hide from all the people around him that so often can when he so completely cannot and bask in the stench of his own waste and

ruin. Basking in his own fecal stench. Exactly. That's exactly where I was hoping we would wind up at this point in the show. Alright, so we're going to wrap things up. Listen to the show at dinner. With a round for our high rollers, these heavy hitters paid the big bucks, so they're going to get a section to roast all to themselves. We're going to wrap things up. This is a show at dinner. With a round for our high rollers, these heavy hitters paid the big bucks, so they're going to get a section to roast all to themselves.

We're going to start with Nathan, who forked over $300 for a roast of himself from the entire scathing crew. All right, so the photo we got shows Nathan with Dave Warnock, an ex-pastor with ALS, who's educating the world about how to die as a non-believer on his Dying Out Loud tour.

And right next to Dave Warnock is Nathan, a lawn gnome for a giant, whose beard-related hypertension is ironically the silent cure. Strong juxtaposition by the artist who took the photograph.

Yeah. That beard has a capillary system. You know, his T-shirt says, I'm a hugger on it. And I bet those smell awesome. No, I said, but I do. I like the beard. The salt and pepper beard is good. It goes with all the chunks of food that are embedded in it really well.

Everything compliments. It's everything else. If a fantasy dwarf could turn on, tune in, and drop out, Nathan would be that dwarf. He looks like the kind of guy who would offer a stranger a massage at a concert, a high school band concert.

You know what I'm saying? All right. So, who's got a roast for the Denver International Airport? Every time I float into Denver International, I had to break through like this blanket of smoke and I can't figure out if it was forest fires or weed. I'm not sure which one it was.

Yeah. Denver International Airport wastes 50% of its flights. And I'm talking about the ones that go into Denver. You know, most airports have food stalls and like maybe a lounge or two. That's not for Denver. Flights that land in Denver may as well ask you to tuck and roll onto the highway without touching down

while you hope you don't get run over by a 17-year-old DJ driving for Uber. It's the stupidest fucking airport. It's the second largest airport on the entire goddamn planet. It's the 16est fucking airport. It's the second largest airport on the entire goddamn planet. It's the 16th busiest. Most of the size is literally only there so your gate can be further fucking away. The whole complex is tainted by all these wild Illuminati conspiracy theories. And as silly as those are, they make more sense than the official story of,

no, we legitimately thought this was a good design for a fucking airport. Also, as a member of the Illuminati myself, I'm offended that our Nazi bunker under the airport doesn't have a Brookstone. That's crazy. Also offended that it's in Denver.

If you're going to Colorado, John Galt's invisible airport is way nicer. Just as a facility. All right, so how about a little of the same treatment for Joel, who donated 300 big ones for us to roast him? Yeah, Joel asked for us to make him cry, but since none of us are a paternity test,

I don't think we're up to the task. He looks like if he did any manscaping, he'd disappear completely as a human being. You look like a version of Guy Fieri that only visits Flavortown in segregationist Alabama. Yeah, Joe looks like he celebrates breakfast with a bottle of dessert wine in a 7-Eleven parking lot. So I have a tricky one here.

Ted presented us with a kind of a smorgasbord of roasties and another $300 to charity, and he gave us the privilege to do whichever we want. So feel free to dive in. I'm going to start us off. He asked us to roast the year, but at the time it was 2019. Whoa.

It's so bad. 2019 is like that chick that gave you crabs, but little did we know she was going to introduce us to her sister 2020 who has a vagina full of murder hornets. He also gave us the opportunity to roast his honeymoon picture. It's rough. I've never been more certain of a honeymoon suite that did not get a single noise complaint.

They could have had their wedding night in an open library. Zero. And Tom, something tells me you might have just a thing for Dylan's mother-in-law and her daughter. I got Dylan, your mother-in-law and sister-in-law. They sound awful,

but I mean, you know how else they sound. They sound fucking boring. I don't mean lazy. I don't mean uninteresting. I mean like bone-deep boring. The kind of boring where as soon as you meet them, you forget the name of everyone in the room in a kind of

mental self-defense just so you don't accidentally remember even the tiniest piece of contextual information about them. It's like cancer. You got to cut around the information about these people. Like, these seem like the kind of people whose blood runs beige, you know? Like, they can't even fight it in their hearts to stir up some shit or rabble-rouse in a meaningful way.

They seem boring in a way that sucks all the air out of the room and makes you glad to asphyxiate because at least it's something to do now all right and finally jason's kids got together they put in 275 for us to roast donald trump so my challenge to you is a kid friendly roast of donald trump for jason to play for his very generous kids. I'm all about this. Okay. So, hey, kids, why don't you go ahead and open up that piggy bank one more time? You got it? Okay, you just paid Donald Trump's income tax.

Congratulations. Okay, I can play a kid-friendly roast of Trump. Let's see. Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a life so small he had to scream all day just to make sure he was heard. So he screamed and he screamed

and he screamed until one day all those screams piled up upon him like an enormous weight and he was crushed slowly and painfully beneath the devastating weight

of his lies and deceit. Lollipops. Nailed it. All right, kids. Donald Trump is like the witch in Hansel and Gretel. We're the kids and the oven is coronavirus. Okay? That's how it works.

I wonder how hot that oven is, Trump. I just wonder how hot. I don't know. All right. And I'm hesitant how hot. I don't know. Alright, and I'm hesitant to ask, but Eli? Yeah. Okay, well, I specifically told him the children were going to

be listening to that, so while we lawyer up, we're going to take a break, but we'll be back. There are still plenty more vulgarity where that came from. Tom Cecil, thanks so much for joining us guys it was a blast guys thanks for having us okay what if i take out the part with the giraffe it's worse actually yeah it's definitely worse before we save and quit tonight i wanted to apologize to anybody who went looking for the book to pre-order over the last week. We were waiting on approvals when last week's episode came out. It turned out that there was a formatting error that we had to fix, so we didn't get those approvals.

We are in the same place again now, but better. Again, keep an eye out on our Facebook page or follow at P-A-A-T-Pod on Twitter for links to pre-order on all formats as soon as they're available. Anyway, that's all the Blast Movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister show, Hot Friend, got off on movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this will be a sub-episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for constantly reminding me that Ben Shapiro's wife told him a wet vagina was a disease.

I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lucians, whose segment will be back next week. I want to thank the lovely in his own way, Eli Bosnick, for reminding everybody that evolution and survival of the fittest are not the same thing. I want to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for hanging out with us tonight and reminding you to check out the Cognitive Dissonance podcast if you haven't done that yet. Also want to thank Bill from Seamline.com for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. That's aligned with a Y. So just check the show notes for all your operatic and Renaissance tights needs. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most honorable mentions. Amber, Jewish monk, Kenneth, Madison, Dawn, Uriah, Martin, Matthew, Nathan, John, Policy,

Nonk, Sawyer, Adrian, and Rough Sketch. Amber, Jewish monk, Kenneth, Madison, and Dawn, who are so bright people flash their high beams at them when they walk at night. Uriah, Martin, Matthew, Nathan, and Dawn, who are so bright people flash their high beams at them when they walk at night. Uriah, Martin, Matthew, Nathan, and John, who are so virile they don't have to call the doctor until hour six. And Policy, Nonk, Sawyer, Adrian, and Roughsketch, who are so badass Mr. Miyagi would have let them use a belt sander.

Together, these 14 forthright fornicators forfeited a fork full of fortune to fortify our foray into the formidable forest of fraudulent fucks this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the keen sense of personal style it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn only access to

an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in an us-having-your-money kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, or following at PIAtPod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of p and retorias tim robson handles our social media our audio engineer is morgan clark who also wrote all

the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com Stephen Miller too? I was like, okay, all right. All right. As April Pop says, maybe the wishes just work like upvotes. I like how Hemet's been tweeting tweeting like hard week for our business we had a good run everybody

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