The Scathing Atheist - 401: Golden Hemorrhoid Edition

Episode Date: October 22, 2020

In this week’s episode, California churches assure us that its been “votes and prayers” this whole time, Donald Trump demands to have fact checkers from The Onion at the final debate, and Don Ford will be here to talk about hemorrhoids. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Check out the Simpsons Watch-Along podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/simpsons-watch-along/id1434948940 --- Headlines: California Republicans Are Installing Illegal Ballot Drop-Off Boxes: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/12/california-republicans-are-installing-illegal-ballot-drop-off-boxes/ A Teacher in France Who Showed Students Cartoons of Muhammad Was Just Murdered https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/16/a-teacher-in-france-who-showed-students-cartoons-of-muhammad-was-just-murdered/ Trump mock Biden because he will “Listen to scientists”: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2020/10/trump-tries-to-mock-joe-biden-because-biden-will-listen-to-scientists/ Trump Falls for Story on Christian Satire Site: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/16/trump-who-brags-about-his-high-iq-falls-for-story-on-christian-satire-site/ One Million Moms Condemns “Irresponsible and Offensive” Hot Sauce Ad https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/12/angry-christian-mom-condemns-irresponsible-and-offensive-hot-sauce-ad/ Christians gather together in self-pitying Covid persecution fest: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/19/christians-held-a-huge-covid-denying-event-to-whine-about-being-non-essential/ QAnon jfk junior prediction does NOT come true  https://www.newsbreak.com/wisconsin/dallas/news/2084344690152/qanons-jfk-jr-conspiracy-theory-foiled-no-dallas-rally-this-weekend Frank Amedia: If Trump doesn’t win, having sex with cows will become legal: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/20/televangelist-if-trump-doesnt-win-having-sex-with-cows-will-become-legal/ An Anti-Abortion Activist Filmed Her Own Sitcom: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/10/16/an-anti-abortion-activist-filmed-her-own-sitcom-its-as-bad-as-you-think-it-is/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Trump walks out of 60 minutes interview: https://www.cnn.com/2020/10/20/politics/trump-interview-60-minutes/index.html Senator James Lankford: “God wants Christian men in government.” https://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2020/10/gop-senator-james-lankford-god-wants-christian-men-in-government/

Warning, the following podcast doesn't just contain adult language. It's brought to you by adult language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by adult language, Blue Apron, and by Tony D's House of October Surprises. Call me, Rudy. I'm not saying I can do good. I'm just saying I can do better than the guy you got now. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

It's the Simpsons watch along podcast because professor frank would agree with professor farnsworth that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men It's Thursday. It's October 22nd. And it's International Caps Lock Day. Yeah, for when you're losing a Facebook fight, but you want to lose it loudly. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Ethan Wright. And from Jason Voorhees, New Jersey, Cincinnati Swing State, and Good Husband, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, California churches assure us that it's been votes and prayers this whole time.

Donald Trump demands to have fact checkers from the onion at the final debate. And Don Ford will be here to talk about hemorrhoids. But first, the diatribe. Did you ever hear about the time that Tony Perkins offered to buy a homeless guy a burger but wouldn't spring for the fries? Okay, how about the time that Eric Prince helped his elderly neighbor carry out his trash but left the heaviest bags for the neighbor? Okay, one more. One more. What about that one time when the asshole who started the Proud Boys helped an old lady cross the street but got bored three quarters of the way through and gave up on her? Never heard of any of them, huh?

I'd be tempted to say we don't tend to write up international headlines about the times when otherwise immoral people who had immoral organizations do somewhat good things half-assedly, but if that was the case why the fuck would i know about the pope just now endorsing civil unions my god how low is the bar for this guy right how i'd love to have a job where i was graded on the same curve as the fucking pope half the time the podcast is just like meaningless random words from 10 feet away from the microphone the other half it's me trying to explain the extenuating circumstances around my latest

conviction and yet somehow i'm getting record downloads and all the reviews say well at least he's not an ex-nazi who's directly involved in the child rape cover-up it must be nice but yeah wednesday morning i wake up to the late breaking news. And by that, I mean pretty goddamn late to be breaking that the Pope tacitly endorsed civil unions for same sex couples unofficially. Right. This statement apparently came in a documentary called Francesco about how awesome the guy running the history's largest child rape cabal is. And at some point, the Pope says, quote, homosexuals have a right to be part of the family. They're children of God and have a right to a family. Nobody should be thrown out or be made miserable because of it. Adding, quote, what we have to create is a civil union law.

That way they are legally covered. End quote. And that statement has even left wing media outlets praising his moral authority. has even left-wing media outlets praising his moral authority. Think about what a tepid, condescending, backhanded declaration this really is. First of all, having the right to a family is the single most basic goddamn thing you can imagine, right? Like he's exactly one unit of recognition above they have the right to use all the oxygen in the atmosphere without paying for it. He's saying we shouldn't actively disown them

and implied at the end of that sentence is anymore right you and i don't have to make statements like this because nobody assumes we would endorse disowning your brother for being gay think about how baseline awful a human you have to be before that would be anybody's default assumption. And as if that's not bad enough already, keep in mind that he only means this conditionally. He's certainly not saying they have a right to adopt children, right? He's the head of the organization most directly responsible for inhibiting adoption by same-sex couples. So when he says they have a right to a family, there's a huge unspoken asterisk weighing down the back half of that fucking sentence. What's more, he stopped shy of endorsing equality, right? His big moral revelation is that gay people should have some kind of separate but

equal form of marriage. His endorsement is for civil unions that don't ask, don't tell of the marriage debate. But wait, don't let me oversell it, right? Because it's not like the recognition of homosexual unions, end quote. And as if we need to douse the embers of commendability even more at this point, this isn't even new. In 2013, he famously asked his press pool, who am I to judge when asked about LGBTQ relationships? He's flirted with acceptance here and there in the past, but never beyond the boy shucks. I sure do wish I wasn't actively oppressing you level. And yet, despite the fact

that his words are too little, too late, impotent, insincere and unexceptional, the Washington Post called his statement a remarkable shift. The New York Times went with extraordinary.

Vox dubbed it groundbreaking. Meanwhile, not a goddamn one of them even acknowledged the irony of printing the ethical pronouncements of a man who is still, this very day and hour, harboring child rapists from justice. One would be hard-pressed to find an institution anywhere in the world directly responsible for more evil than the Catholic Church. Right. Like, I'd say impossible if we're counting all of history, but damn hard, even if you

restrict yourself to like my lifetime. And yet when the head of that institution makes an off the cuff comment about some of his best friends being gay, the world's media trip over themselves in their rush to write a flattering puff piece about it and slap it on the front fucking page of their websites and papers. Of course, we all know where this comes from, right? It's rooted in the same perverse sense of fairness that had mainstream media outlets reporting both sides of the climate change debate until it was too late to solve the problem. It's the same misguided attempt at balance that has to pretend both sides of the political aisle are equally responsible for the vitriolic political climate it's the same fallacious bullshit that gives equal credence to both the truth and the lie american media have had to

spend an awful lot of time talking about the institutionalized protection and enablement of kid rape it's crazy newsworthy when you consider the scale of the problem, both geographically and temporally, it's one of the most evil things ever done in human history. So obviously the media had to talk about it a lot. It's remained newsworthy for decades now, and there's no sign it's about to drop out of the news cycle. And that leaves a lot of people in the media really uncomfortable. out of the news cycle and that leaves a lot of people in the media really uncomfortable they're always talking about the bad side of catholicism so they feel the need to also talk about the good side even if they have to exaggerate misdirect or outright mislead to get there and i hate that i have to point this out but there's no goddamn way to lie your way to the truth. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Tetra and Hydro to my cannabinol Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to say hi? I'm not an asshole. You just think I'm an asshole. I THC what you did there, Heath. And speaking of drugs, recreational or otherwise,

I wanted to wish Sarah Rose luck while she's recovering from her surgery. The good news, Sarah Rose, is that Jeff loves you. He's right there. You have him entirely wrapped around your little finger. So milk this shit and make him do stuff for you. He wants to do stuff for you

and also get better soon. But not too soon. Because if it turns out you have mutant healing, the government will come after you. No, that's true. Yeah, pace yourself. Pace yourself.

And use it for the favors. Like, you know, work it. Really work it. Well, exactly. It's quarantine. What are you going to do? Recover and then fucking sit at home? Boring.

Boo. Chill. Get into some weird stuff with the favors. Make up some side effects. In our lead story tonight. It is no secret that the Republican Party can only exist by bribing votes from single-issue white Christian zealots. And that's been working for pretty much everyone else besides single issue white Christian zealots.

And he's still not winning in the polls. No. So Trump tossed in a threat of neo-Nazi terrorism if he loses and claimed that mail-in ballots don't count anyway because there's mythical rampant voter fraud that that somehow only helps democrats yeah right still losing despite all that stuff so now we have christian right churches putting up illegal ballot collection boxes thus creating the mythical fraud for real but on the other side like funny feeling they're not gonna be helping democrats on this one yeah what i love about this is that churches are so used to having no laws apply to them that they cannot wrap their heads around the fact that they can't just declare themselves a polling place no right right they're like no i'll get a voting machine let's make it fucking right

yes exactly well honestly they confirmed Barrett to the fucking court. And I sincerely believed we were a polling place has a 50-50 shot of passing musters. That's fair. I absolutely sincerely held ballots. Fucking great. So just in case it wasn't obvious, do not bring your ballot to a church and drop it in their box of church and state. That's not a thing. But that didn't stop Freedom's Way Baptist in Santa Clarita, California

from constructing a counterfeit ballot box with a sign that said, official ballot drop box. Wow. And then posting photographic evidence of their felony level fraud on Facebook. The box also said, approved and provided by the GOP collected by a

Republican official. And that was right next to their Johnson Amendment violating posts about the Christian right Republicans you're supposed to vote for, which was right next to their posts about the opposite of black lives mattering, whatever that would be. Yeah, right. The opposite of black lives mattering, whatever that would be. Yeah, right. And that's just one example of one church. Apparently, these unipartisan vote harvesting drop boxes for the GOP are getting reported all over California.

And probably not getting reported elsewhere by the local news of fucking mud junction, wherever the fuck. But I'm sure it's happening. And just imagine if this was a mosque and not a church. I think we know the only solution here, gentlemen. We need Satanist ballot boxes in the shape of Baphomet spreading his cheeks.

It's amazing how many problems that would solve, honestly. Right? Done. So this shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. I mean, just think about that Johnson Amendment I was talking about. These churches are saying themselves, okay, well, we're a giant taxpayer-subsidized illegal super PAC for the GOP, but legal somehow. And we send the government TikTok videos of our crimes, and that's super fun, but it feels like we're making this electoral terrorism

harder than it needs to be. Let's just steal the votes directly, right? So either that works, and votes are being handled by a pastor and then a GOP vote collector guy, or it doesn't work, in which case it does work because it's evidence of mail-in voter fraud.

Yeah. The president of the United States and his party are going for the old shitting yourself to get a fecal mistrial technique as a campaign strategy. That's where we're at. Well, not just as a campaign strategy.

We're doing a lot of different stuff related to this. It's a whole brand. It's a pandemic response strategy. Foreign policy. Krav Maga. And in Religion of Five Easy Pieces news,

the religion of peace, that's Islam, is at it again this week. Islam? Yeah. Well, anyways, when in response to a beloved Parisian history teacher showing caricatures of the Islamic prophet Muhammad during a discussion of free speech in the Charlie Hebdo murders, a radical Islamic terrorist followed him home and cut his head off. Wow.

All right. Yeah, just give me a second. I'm going to update the scoreboard. Yeah, go ahead. 21st century secular beheadings. No, still zero. Okay. Religious beheadings. All of them. Great. Okay. Why are we playing this game? Maybe a 10 run rule? I don't know. Yeah. Despite their marketing, they're not super into mercy. Yeah. That's an issue. Nope. Now, the killer was shot to death when he attacked the police

with an air rifle as they tried to arrest him. But so far, the French government has detained 15 additional suspects and counting, including locals

who are accused of issuing a fatwa against the teacher, four students who identified the teacher to his killer for payment, and an investigation is underway

against the ironically named collective against islamophobia in france huh okay well technically they're kind of nailing it the fear of islam is very rational and now like extra fucking rational they are yeah nailing taking the phobia right out of that fear yeah and it's worth pointing out that all of this takes place against the backdrop of the week where the folks who provided weapons to the Charlie Hebdo terrorists are on trial, right?

It can be easy to be stuck in the Ameri-centric view that Christofascists are the only folks to worry about. But I think this story, as well as, you know, most of the other ones we've been reporting on

for the last seven plus years, is that when you're looking for brutal murder for no reason, any old religion will do, people. Any old religion. Well, I mean, it's not all the religions all of the time. It's all the religions all of the times they have even the slightest whiff of power. It's the prerequisite. It's the prerequisite. And in skeptics with three K's news tonight with Biden leading by double digits in national polls. Thank you.

Consistently leading in all the swing states that matter and given an 87% chance of winning by 538. As of this record, Trump has opted for a new line of attack in hopes of shifting this election after having failed in his efforts to paint his opponent as a socialist. A communist. A capitalist. But in a bad way. Mentally unfit. Anti-police. Anti-American. Comma-less puppet. Bernie Sanders.

And Mr. Rogers. But again in a bad way. He launched a new attack. Warning his supporters that Biden will quote. Listen to science. End quote. Pause for audible gasp. Gasp.

And gasp. What the fuck is he picturing just like a a secret back room full of data smoking cigars and pulling his strings flash cut to anthony fauci sadly putting away his hand puppets well that's four weekends of classes wasted wasted right so yeah this ominous proclamation came during a rally with thousands in attendance on Sunday where Trump demonstrated his commitment to not listening to scientists by having a rally with thousands in attendance. But in case it wasn't clear to everybody, he doubled down warning rally goers that Biden is, quote, going to lock down.

He's going to want us to lock down. He'll listen to the scientists. a lockdown. He's going to want us to lock down. He'll listen to the scientists. And then when the collective retching and booing died down, he added, if I listened to the scientists, we would right now have a country that would be in a

massive depression instead of we're like a rocket ship. Oh, really? The Challenger? The rocket ship? He concludes, take a look at the numbers, quote okay i'm looking was he done end quote oh maybe it's everyone says our case numbers are soaring if by like a rocket ship trump means not tethered to anything happening here on Earth. I guess he nailed it.

But as it stands, we are very much in a depression. And when he says, take a look at the numbers, I'm sure that's because if you take a look at the letters as well, they're going to spell out what a terrible fucking job he's done with this pandemic. Okay, but to his credit, look at the numbers is a bluff that's going to pay off with any Trump supporter at this point all right though that's fair a spokesperson for the biden campaign reached out to trump

and promised to return the silver platter when they were done with it tweeting quote this is tellingly out of touch and the polar opposite of reality trump crashed the strong economy he inherited from the obama biden administration by lying about and attacking the science and layoffs are rising meanwhile jo, Joe Biden will create millions more jobs than Trump. End tweet. Biden himself chose a more laconic response, simply tweeting the headline out that Trump warned that he'd listen to the scientists and added dot, dot, dot, yes. And speaking of tweeting out headlines. Yeah, speaking of silver platters.

In Peel the Onion News, Area Man believes headline that starts with the phrase, Area Man, because he doesn't know how the internet works. And that Area Man is the president of the goddamn United States. In the most perfect encapsulation of his stupid fucking existence and our stupid fucking tragic reality, Donald Trump accidentally made the most honest statement of his career last week when he retweeted an article from a Christian satire site indicating that the man in charge of our nuclear launch codes actually believed that Twitter turned itself off like with a switch in order to stop the spread of negative news about

Joe Biden. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If we could just get CNN to publish Trump won't drink the stuff under the sink because he's chicken. This whole thing solves itself, people. I know you're desperately trying for hyperbole, Eli, but if you recall, he literally suggested that. Our job has been hard

for four years. It's been really fucking hard. I would like to talk about President Joe Biden, please. Well, you can't. This whole thing actually really happened in real reality. Trump retweeted an article from the Babylon Bee with the headline, Twitter shuts down entire network to slow spread of negative Biden news. And here's the actual words from the leader of

the country to go along with that article that he retweeted, quote, Wow, this has never been done in history. This includes Biden's really bad interview last night. Why is Twitter doing this? Bring more attention to Sleepy Joe and Big T. I guess Twitter is Big T in his head. End quote, with absolutely no winky face characters. There's no excuses. This was not sarcastic. Yep, yep.

Well, I mean, he's right in that it's never been done in history. Okay, technically correct. Yes. And I know the president, he's just trying to live up to Sarah Palin's voluminous devouring of all the media.

But here's what it says in that article that he shared unironically. Quote, after seeing account after account tweet out one especially bad story about Biden, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, the huge liberal leftist progressive Biden fan, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey realized he had to take action. Dorsey smashed a glass box in his office reading break in case of bad publicity for Democrats. Inside the case was a sledgehammer for smashing Twitter's servers. Dorsey ran downstairs and started smashing as many computers as he could. But he did need to ask for some help, as the hammer was pretty heavy. None of the

programmers could lift the hammer. Eventually they managed to program a robot to pick up the sledgehammer and smash the servers. This is one of those funny articles they write at the Babylon Bee. After hearing the Twitter employees talk about critical theory,

the robot got woke and began attacking all the cis white males. End quote. That is almost certainly the least funny thing I've ever seen that wasn't a dead animal.

That's close. I gotta say, the Babylon Bee, because I went down a rabbit hole of reading their their like satire it's a fascinating human experiment right because the core of humor a lot of the time is empathy right but the people at the babylon b don't have any empathy they're just south park we make fun of everyone bigots So you get to see humor without humanity. And it's it's like an alien's attempt at funny.

They are. And I almost mean this as a compliment. As funny as you can be without a soul. South Park is as funny as you can be. Yeah, that's fair. They are not. And again, this is 100% real. I mean, sadly, the woke robot

that attacks cis white males is not real yet. We'll see. But we would deserve that. But the story is real. We've been saying that Trump's such a ridiculous bobblehead caricature of himself that satire is not even possible. But somehow he took it a step further he

he beat us i don't know now we have a a fractal of an inception of an oraboros of fake news it's insane we need a fucking safe word to read the news at this point so all right yosemite yeah that's gonna be our safe word yosite. And we also need a federal law that the onion doesn't ever write an article about like North Korea flying an aggressive kite over the DMZ lest the world be plunged into a nuclear holocaust. Yeah.

Can we also agree that you have to achieve some bare minimum level of humor before social media labels you as satire rather than bullshit? Oh, please. Wouldn't that be nice too? Yeah. Yeah.

Pass. And in hot saucy mama's news, as our nation pushes another right-wing shill onto the Supreme Court, as babies still sit in cages at the border, and as an entire half of our political spectrum bats their eyes about whether or not they'll overthrow the government if they lose this coming election the karens over at one million moms have a new enemy

this week and it's a hot sauce ad it's a hot sauce ad from like two years ago right what the fuck is happening in your life you You're watching broadcast television ads from January of 2019. That's insane. They saw it back then. It took this long before they were ready to talk about it.

They've been collecting their thoughts and putting it all together. They've been processing and getting over it. So yeah, quick reminder, if you don't know

who One Million Moms is, first off, most important, if you don't know who 1 million moms is, first off, most important, not a million of them. As of right now, they have almost 5,000 Twitter followers, but, you know, maybe the other 995,000 moms just don't tweet. The royal million. Yeah, and they specialize

in getting mad about stupid shit like this. Regular listeners to our show remember that last month they were mad when Dole put out an ad telling people to go fruitball themselves. But if you want to go down the rabbit hole of stupid Christian crazy, one million moms is the gift that keeps on giving. Yeah, no, it's a million moms worth of bat shittery, at least. I mean, maybe that's what they mean. Oh, there you go.

There you go. So the ad in question, as Heath mentioned, is two years old and comes from Frank's Red Hot, or as fellow hot sauce fans will know it, Somehow Saltier Ketchup. And their new tagline, I put that bleep on everything, received a strong condemnation

from the moms who said in their statement, quote, Frank's Red Hot ad is irresponsible and offensive to customers. This inappropriate advertisement is airing during prime time. Nope. When children are likely watching, the bleeped out word creates an unnecessary curiosity in children. And there is nothing funny about swearing or kids mimicking this behavior. It's in prime time from two years ago in the past. Big bang theory, damn it.

Big bang theory. The commercial is extremely destructive and damaging to impressionable children. End quote. So, yeah. Big congrats to one million moms for officially coming out against curiosity in children. I mean, we knew they were, but good for them for saying it. All right. Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm terrified because she just said there's nothing funny about swearing. So I might need to get some fucking resumes out there. Well, I touched that up. We'll turn things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. It is your slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. I'm going to make a bet. We're recording on Wednesday, so the 60 Minutes interview isn't coming out for a few days yet, unless Trump drops it on YouTube. But I'm going to go ahead and make a prediction about the video I haven't seen anyway.

So just in case you hadn't heard, Trump made a bunch of headlines on Tuesday when he apparently stormed out of an interview with CBS's Leslie Stahl. 60 Minutes is doing an episode that includes interviews with both candidates and their running mates. Or at least that was the plan. Trump got pissy halfway through the interview and walked out, then refused to come back for a segment he was supposed to film with Mike Pence afterwards. Now, there have been a couple of reports where unnamed sources characterized the interview as bad, but not unusually bad. Nobody specified what question or line of questioning set him off. But the White House has confirmed he bellowed on the interview and Trump went on a bitchy little tweet storm about Leslie Stahl afterwards. Then he whined

about her during a rally later. So here's my prediction. I'm guessing Leslie Stahl was no harder on him than Chris Wallace was on Fox News or Jonathan Swan was for Axios. I'm guessing the misogynist just can't handle that same treatment at the hands of a gender he considers inferior to his own. And I'm also guessing that's going to make for a damn interesting dynamic in tonight's debate. And let's not make the mistake of thinking this is a Trump thing. This is a GOP thing, and they've been cultivating it for decades. I think any honest person can admit that sexism is a big part of the reason Trump was elected. But it wasn't just sexism against Hillary.

A lot of misogynists liked having a candidate that was openly hostile to women and women's rights. A candidate who wasn't going to play along with the idea that women had an equal say. The GOP have been planting seeds of misogyny beneath their platform since the 80s and the first rumblings of the moral majority. So it should surprise exactly nobody when they harvest rampant sexism. And we were reminded of that yet again when Oklahoma Senator James Linkford went on a Christian podcast called On the Edge and started spouting off about how if God had his druthers, the U.S. government would be entirely populated by Christian men. And no, he wasn't just using men as a stand-in for humanity, unless he got way more

progressive about lesbian marriage since the last time I saw him, because he refers specifically about how the government needs godly men who love their wives. And let's face it, even if that was the case, he'd still be excusing the discrimination against one group by pointing out that he meant to discriminate against a different group. And again, that's not the case. He literally intended to discriminate against both. Also, quick before I wrap things up, I want to remind you that as hard as it is to follow any single thread through today's news cycle, we're still on the verge of cementing

a conservative anti-woman theocratic majority on the Supreme Court for the rest of my life. So, you know, vote like it. And with that reminder echoing in your ears, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines in pity litter news tonight. Fantastic. Christians tried to put their tongues in their cheek and missed this week when they named their whiny ass self-pitying persecution complex fest non-essential because you see governmental restrictions vis-a-vis covid19 haven't been sufficiently submissive to religious bullshit by failing to deem theirs essential services or at

least that's what they're hoping you're going to take away from the fact that they named their conference after them not mattering. Yeah, I know they were going for the like take back deplorables angle, but now you're just self-labeling. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. So this who's who of who's that's took place Sunday night at the Calvary Chapel Church in Chino Hills, California, and brought together hundreds of maskless shoulder to shoulder Christian worshipers to lament the fact that they're not allowed to bring together hundreds of maskless, shoulder-to-shoulder Christian worshipers

to lament the fact that they're not allowed to bring together hundreds of Christian worshipers. And it included all the COVID denialist hits like only 6% of COVID deaths are actually related to COVID. It's my right to risk your life and Donald Trump should be reelected president. It even included the claim from Charlie Kirk kirk no less that the national lockdown was the quote worst mistake in the history of our country end quote despite the fact that a there was never a national lockdown and b all of american history yeah listen donald trump's done more for the covid community than any president, including Lincoln. Yeah, right, right.

Now, Kirk wasn't the only member of the scathing atheist least wanted in attendance. Some of Charlie Kirk's best friends, David J. Harris Jr. was there because they're pretty sure that when a black guy says all lives matter, it stops being racist. Dinesh D'Souza was there to rail against liberals Hollywood the media and people who commit the crime he went to prison for committing and of course actor bigot and gam muse Kurt Cameron was also there to stick his butt in one direction while flailing his arms in the other seriously watch that man talk it's like his ass and his hands are trying to avoid each other or something. I mean, to be fair, if I were Kirk Cameron's ass, I'd try to strike out on a solo career as well.

Especially after we know what he's done to it, right? He has not treated that ass well. Growing pains. And in Heaven Got a Q news, fans of the mysterious online poster and Nostradamus for dumb racists,

QAnon were disappointed this week when one of Q's earliest and most frequent predictions that JFK Jr. wasn't really dead and would be revealed as Donald Trump's running mate at a rally in Dallas this week failed to come true.

Yeah. I mean, Dallas would have been gauche, right? Probably nailed it, but they're just waiting for a better location. Right. Yeah. He's alive. Interestingly enough, a mysterious online voice calling himself R predicted that that wouldn't happen. So for those of you who have been living under a very, very lucky rock for the last five years, QAnon is allegedly a high level government official with Q level clearance

who decided to use a bunch of Nazis favorite website to reveal a secret cabal of political slash Hollywood satanic pedophiles by making a series of wild and obviously false predictions. Okay, and just for the record, the Q clearance... This is so good. It's from the Department of

Energy, and it relates to secret stuff about our nuclear program. Yeah, just that. I i mean that's real but that's what it's about so unless hillary is a a nuclear pedophile it seems unrelated i don't understand why it's the title of the thing it's so dumb but uh by the way it is worth noting that q is in all likelihood just the owners of named nazi message board who were trying to drum up business on their website by stealing from david eich who in turn stole all his ideas from everyone who hasn't liked the jews throughout all of history and despite this super obvious fact

way way too many people think q is real and and and not just because way too many means greater than two in this instance. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, like I said, not a great week for QAnon believers. But just as soon as it's announced that Tom Hanks has been arrested by Russian double agent Robert Mueller, we're all going to look pretty silly for doubting them. Yeah. Until then, though. muller we're all gonna look pretty silly for doubting them yeah until then though and in steers and queers news tonight republicans seem weirdly concerned with the fate of cows under

a unified democratic government there have been repeated efforts from the president down to suggest that the green new deal calls for national bovis side on the cows. Yep. Bovis is a word, by the way. In one of the weirdest political ads of this or any other election, Nebraska Democrat Kara Eastman is shown with her head superimposed over a raw steak with the actual accusation that she's planning to, quote, get rid of farting cows, end quote. And now televangelist Frank Amedia, who listeners will remember for growing back baby kidneys with his mind, is warning that if all his viewers don't vote Republican, America is on the verge of legalized cow fucking. Okay. I mean, on the verge is a little strong. Like, we're not fucking the cows until we go carbon neutral in 2050. Well, right.

Yeah, no, it's a long ways off. Time to get ready. Also, talk about not reading the room. Frank, if anybody is fucking cows, it's your audience, buddy. Yeah, right. Don't give them a reason. Yeah. So this segment began with the media urging his viewers to pray for Republicans

and assured them that if they did, it would swing the election 10 points towards the GOP, which isn't enough to net Trump the popular vote, according to the current polling averages. But fearing their dismal polling numbers may cause his audience to lose hope. He added this warning, quote, this is about morality. Even sexual preference has all of a sudden been changed in the dictionary to where it's offensive how far do they want us to go what wait until animalism becomes acceptable and someone can marry a cow and have perverse sex with them as opposed to regular sex with them you think i'm laughing that's what's going to come. End quote.

Yeah, the marriage license. That's the thing holding back the cow fuckers. This is a good point. If only I had the paperwork. I want to have some perverse sex with this cow instead of this normal unmarried cow sex. It's vanilla shit. What? Says we can't do weird stuff till I put a ring on it.

I also like that based on that quote, people very clearly started laughing at the idea of perverse cow sex. Not funny. Take it serious. Very serious. So, yeah, I'm not sure why he's riding the cow sex train at this point,

but perhaps he's hoping to distract his viewers from the fact that back in June, he promised God was going to unleash a September surprise that would turn around Trump's polling numbers. Either way, I can't wait for the flame war between the conspiracy theorists promoting the mutually exclusive theories of both aside cow fucking and cow orifice obstruction. Just I just want to finish your popcorn before you log on. Just, we're wanting to finish your popcorn before you log on and solve. Just to be clear though, it is so commendable,

Noah, that you think those are all mutually exclusive. It's incorrect, but it's commendable. It's adorable that you don't think that that Venn diagram has a cow asshole shaped fucking a dead cow situation in the middle. That's great.

Okay, moving on. Finally tonight, in the facts of pro-life news. Fantastic. A forced birtherism activist is making an anti-choice sitcom. What? A sitcom. I said that correctly. Yep.

And I swear, we promise this is not a secret Kickstarter for God awful movies material. It's not. It should be. It's so much better worse than we could have ever done on purpose. Yeah. Janet Porter, president of the evangelical group Faith to Action

with the number two. It's just a number. It's clever. She's also a successful lobbyist for fucking heartbeat bills. That's a real thing she does with her life. And also live action Kyle's mom. If you ever see her, that's what is happening

with her physical appearance. She put a whole bunch of thought into this and she wants to explore the situational comedy surrounding abortion. Okay show to be fair most situational comedies are about abortion they just don't know they're about abortion against all odds the backstory to this project might even be dumber and more upsetting than the current idea it all started four years ago when Porter decided to make an abortion-themed rom-com.

Really? She raised $2 million to make a romantic comedy about abortion, about a woman who falls in love with the son of a pro-choice congressman. So basically Romeo and Juliet, but, you know, compelling. The cast included Mike Huckabee, Steve King, SNL alum Victoria Jackson,

and Stephen Baldwin. Yet somehow with that cast, it never managed to get a green light from Hollywood. So the project got aborted. I don't know. Something tells me Janet's still carrying it. But last week, you're correct. Porter announced that she repurposed that material and made it into a sitcom.

It's called What's a Girl to Do? And it has a jaunty saxophone theme song. Seriously, watch this trailer. It's fucking insane. Yeah, we'll have it linked on the show notes. It's like someone set out to prove there is no universe worse than 2020 wrong. It's madness.

It's like she's trying to trick people who would normally never watch a show that was pro-abortion into never watching her show just because it sucks right god i thought i was having a stroke like and the volume is there's so much there's so much they're dancing doing physical comedy bits it deserves its own cam episode it's seven seconds long and it deserves it deserves its own like worst idea ever for a year we just watched that one minute trailer it's nuts yes all right well it looks like janet porter is taking a break from banning female bodily autonomy so that's good uh bad news the supreme Court is in charge of that. Yeah, right. But now Janet Porter's entire job is creating material just for us.

And all she's missing from this amazing, amazing project is a good title. So let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. We're going to help out titles for the abortion themed sitcom. Oh, OK. Really, really doing. Go. Two Men. Coat Hanging with Mr. Cooper.

Wow. I used to watch that show. How I Trapped Your Mother. Still Getting to See Your Friends. On a related note, married with slumber. Arrested development. Kim's inconvenience.

Okay. Two significantly less broke girls. Six feet asunder. Oh, nice. Well done. Yes. Well done. Yes. Well done. And while we further lament our job security,

I guess we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Samson and just having plenty of time to himself. And when we come back, Don Ford will be here for the Bible's most ass joke friendly story. Okay. So when it eats the peanut butter, you jump out. Wait, I'm jumping out? I thought you were jumping out. Hey guys, what you doing? Oh, hey Noah. Heath and I are super hungry, but we don't want to go to the grocery store or a restaurant because we don't want to die, so we're trapping our own food. Yeah, we got a box and everything. Well, why don't you guys just try Blue Apron?

What's Blue Apron? No, no, it is my turn. It is not. You did the ad last week. You did the questioning thing. I didn't, I didn't. You did. No, look at the board.

October 19th is a Heath week. No, because we recorded the bonus this past Sunday. Okay, all right. That's not, no. But guys, Blue Apron brings fresh ingredients from Europe. What are you even talking about? Bonus episodes don't have commercials. That doesn't even matter.

The Treaty of 2018 clearly states no matter how many ads are on the show. No, that treaty was violated during the intercept of Skeptocrat 121, and you know it. You've conceded that on the record. Guys, we really need the advertising money right now. Give me it.

Give me it. No, get off me. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself. He's biting me. He's biting me. Give me it. Give me it. No, get off me. Stop it. I'll send you a box of food and some recipes. He's biting me.

He's biting me. Noah. Stop biting. This always happens. You know, most of Bible Peace Theater consists of us trying to figure out how to work genealogies and genocides into our wacky voice dynamic. But there are some stories that remind us why the hell we started doing this segment. And that's why we're abnormally pleased to bring you this month's ass-tastic installment of Bible Peace Theater. And so then she blocks me

on Instagram. Get out of here because that's where she was putting the free pictures of her feet in the first place. Exactly. Thank you. That's ridiculous. Guys, two things. One, that's a callback to an ad on a different show and two, are you ready to do more of First Samuel?

Yeah, I guess so. Not my fault that people don't listen all the podcasts all right all right so what happens next none of your fault right so you'll recall that last time god gets mad at eli because his sons are a bunch of douches and decides that the child samuel is his new prophet or messenger right Right, right. So, okay. So sometime after that, Israel goes to war with the Philistines again. Commander, commander. Yes, Jewish elders? We're getting our tuchuses kicked out there. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we are. We need, we need the Ark of the Covenant. Oh, you mean the magic Ark we have that helps us defeat our enemies? The very same. Do you guys ever think it's weird that we don't just start with the Ark of the Covenant? I mean, now that you mention it. Yeah, it's kind of weird. Yeah, a little strange.

So they get the Ark, and when it gets to the camp, they all shout so loud that the earth shakes. And so I saith to her, how much for a stone carving of your feet? Reasonable. Thank thee. Totally reasonable. Thank thee. Oh, the Jews must have gotten their Ark of the Covenant.

Yeah, must have. You think they'll kill us now? Eh, probably not. Yeah, okay. So what did she say? So she called me a weirdo. Rude. So rude, right?

Right. So even with the Ark, the Philistines win again. And this time they kill 30,000 Israelites, including Eli's sons, and they steal the Ark. Bro, bro, where are you? I'm here, bro. I'm here, bro. Bro, you're all like stabbed and shit. Bro, so are you. We're both stabbed. I know. I know, bro. I'm totes my goats gonna die. Totes my goats. Hashtag me too. Oh.

Hashtag classic. Right? Yeah. Look, bro. So, uh, something I want to tell you before I die. Yeah, bro. What is it? Um, you.

Huh? You're gay. No. No, no, you're gay. No, you are. No. You're gay. So a man runs from the battle with his garments rent and his head covered in earth to tell Eli all the bad news. Eli, Eli the prophet.

Whoa, what happened to you? Well, I've just come from the battle. I have terrible news. I mean, you've got dirt all over your face and your clothes are ripped. You know your clothes are ripped, right? No, like I said, I just came from the big battle. Wow. And like you didn't even pass any water on your way here from the battle

so you could wash your face before you talked to me? Well, I passed plenty of water. I just thought that you would— Or you could have gotten a new garment maybe? Because I could just see your balls, dude. I'm just looking at your balls. You don't have to look at— Your sons are dead and the Philistines took the Ark. Are you happy? I mean, dude. I'm just looking at your balls. You don't have to look at... Your sons are dead and the Philistines took the Ark. Are you happy?

I mean, no. In fact, I'm so unhappy, I'm going to fall down and break my neck. Wait. You're going to fall down and break your neck? Yes. Yes, I am. I'm sorry, like, million-dollar baby style? Yes. I guess so. Such a stupid ending

to that movie. Right? What was that for? It made no sense It's like Clint Eastwood was just like Oh, and now the movie is sad Exactly, fuck Clint Eastwood Totally Wife of Phineas Wife of Phineas

Um, who's Phineas? That's the name of one of Eli's sons Oh, oh right Hi, what's Phineas? That's the name of one of Eli's sons. Oh, oh, right. Uh, hi, what's up? Uh, your husband. I hate to say this, your husband. Wait, wait, what the hell happened to your shirt? Did it, did it get caught on a nail or?

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Is there some dress code post-battle that I don't know about? All right, all right. Okay, Mr. Dirty Face, what's your news? Your husband is dead. Oh. I'm just so sad I could have a baby and die. Um,

it's a boy. Does that help? Yes. This exact sequence is in the book. Yes, it is. So the Philistines Take the ark back to their town And set it next to their statue of the god

Dagon Who's Dagon? Oh he's an ancient Mesopotamian And ancient Canaanite water god He's kind of like Poseidon But he's a merman Oh like in the Little Mermaid Yeah exactly like in the Little Mermaid. Yeah, exactly. Like in The Little Mermaid.

Nice. Is that relevant to the Bible story or? Okay. Sometimes this segment just has fun facts, Eli. Okay. It's a fun fact. Okay. Jeez.

People like my fun facts. There we go, fellow Philistine. There's Jew God right next to our God, Dagon. That's right, fellow philistine did you know dagon is a fertility god i did not what a fun fact it is a fun fact exactly exactly so uh should we go home and leave these statues alone why yes do believe so. It's not like they'll have a weird god fight or anything. Exactly.

There's no reason to think they would have a weird god fight if we leave and just leave them here. Right. Yeah. Great. So, you want to get dinner?

I have more fun facts for dinner. Gotta get home to my family. Oh. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. Maybe some other... I'm probably busy. Oh,

okay. Noah, Eli keeps destroying me and Don's friendship. He always kills us right when we're having a friendship in the middle of the thing. Eli's top killing Heath and Don when they're friends on Bible Peace Theater. People die in the Bible, Heath. Read a book. I read this book already. You don't even know. You read it. Guys,

guys, okay, so late that night, God gets up to do a book. I read this book already. You don't even know. You read it. Guys, guys, guys, okay, so late that night, God gets up to do a miracle. Sarah, Sarah. Yes, Mr. God, what do you want? Help me, help me push this statue of Dagon over. Make me share a pillinth with a god.

I'll show them. On it, on it. Mmm! Nice. And if they put it. Mmm! Nice. And if they put it back, next time we'll tip it over again, but this time we'll cut off its hands, and that'll really show. Totally, totally, yeah. You're the creator of the universe. I sure am, Sarah, I sure am.

Okay, but what if they still don't give back the Ark thingy that they have? Oh, well, let's just say that if they don't give back the Ark thingy, I'm going to be a real pain in their ass. Morning. Oh, yeah, yep. Morning. So, how's it going? What?

With you. Oh, hey, hello. No, good. It's good. Yeah.? With you. Oh, hey. Hello. No, good. It's good. Yeah. It's good. Good. Yeah.

So, crazy about the statues falling over, right? Because we said that probably wouldn't be an issue. Totally crazy. Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So. Uh-huh.

Hmm. Hey, I just thought of this. Did anything else crazy happen to you and, like, maybe your whole family this week? Anything like that? Did anything crazy happen to you and your whole family this week? I have hemorrhoids. Oh, thank God. Okay.

All right. That's got to be a huge relief. So this is like, what? No, like a Jew God. Jew God. Totally. God. Okay. All right. That's got to be a huge relief. So this is like what? No, like a Jew God. Jew God. Totally. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. So let's get rid of this thing. Sure. Hey, Philistines of Gath. Hey, guys. What's this?

Oh, this? Oh, this is just the Ark of the Jews. Ark of the Jews. We brought it for you. Oh, nice. I hate those guys Oh, this is just the Ark of the Jews. Ark of the Jews. Oh, nice. I hate those guys. And this is their Ark? Sure is. Yep. And it is yours now. What? Are you sure? You guys don't want it? Oh, no.

We're all done with it. We peed on it and stuff, you know, the usual. Oh, wow. Thanks. Absolutely no problem. No, totally. Enjoy.

Oh, wow. That's so cool. You guys want to have a seat? You know, eat some hummus or whatever it is we eat during this time period? Ah, just not really in a sitting mood right now, but thank you. No, me either. But yeah. Are you sure?

Very sure. 100% certain. Very much so, yeah. No sitting, please. You want a horse for your ride home? Please stop saying ass-related things. So as you can probably guess, all the Philistines in Gath get hemorrhoids

and then they try to pawn it off on the people over at Ekron. Hey, Philistines of Ekron, you guys want a Jewark? Wow, awesome. Yeah! You guys want a Jew Ark? Wow! Awesome, yeah! I'd love a Jew Ark! Are you sure you're done with it?

Well, yeah, it, um... gave me and everybody else in town hemorrhoids. So... Oh. It did? Yep, sure did. And the city before us. Do you still want it? I mean, what are the chances a third city is going to get hemorrhoids? Am I right? That's what I figured, yeah.

Mess or stupid? I can't believe you told me! I can't believe you told me! It's so uncomfortable. Guys, guys, guys. Guys, this is getting us nowhere. Let's go to our priests and fortune tellers, you know, and they'll tell us how to get rid of all

these hemorrhoids. You are! Hear me, fellow Philistines. If you seek to break this curse of the Ark of the Covenant, you can't send it back empty. Uh, you must send

it back with uh, with an offering of trespass. Okay, like what? You must send five golden mice and five golden hemorrhoids. I'm sorry, did you say five golden hemorrhoids? Yeah, to represent the plague upon you. uh hemorrhoids i'm sorry what did you say five golden hemorrhoids uh yeah to uh you know to represent the plague upon you so you want us to to make hemorrhoids out of gold and then give them as an apology offering to the jews also mice well yeah i did say that also Also mice. Okay, just circling back.

Awkward question. How do you make a golden hemorrhoid? Great question. Does one of us pose for it? What does that even mean? I think we make a mold? You think it's a mold? Okay, that's neither here nor there.

Really? It's relevant. No, you must put the golden hemorrhoids in the ark, in a cart, and send it off. If the cart ends up with the Jews, it was Jew God. If not, we all just randomly got hemorrhoids. Okay, but just to be clear, this is what happens in the Bible.

Almost exactly word for word, yeah Look, everyone This cart just rolled into town And it's got the ark inside Hooray! Hooray! But that's not all Someone also put five golden mice in there

Hooray! Yeah, that's the best And, and Five Ferrero Roch. Hooray! Yay! That's the best! And, and, five Ferrero Rochers. Hooray! Oh, yeah! Oh, the hazelnut. Up, up, up.

Check that. Not Ferrero Rochers. Do not eat those. I repeat, these are not Ferrero Rochers. Oh. And with visions of golden hemorrhoids dancing through your heads, I think our work is done here.

But we'll be back next month with even more Bible Peace Theater. Before we cash the bowl tonight, I wanted to apologize to anybody who tried to get an e-book copy of our new book since the last episode. There was a problem with the formatting that caused the Kindle store to temporarily halt sales. We're still in the process of getting everything fixed, but it should be available by Monday at the latest. If you can't wait that long, though, I should point out that the physical copies of the book are now available, and they get them to you really fucking quick. We had a listener in Japan order one and get it in like a day, I think. So check the show notes for links to buy your copy of Outbreak, A Crisis of Faith, How Religion Ruined Our Global Pandemic, or wait for the e-book version or the audio book version,

both of which are coming soon. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godolph, and movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our sister-sos hot friend got off when we were still being at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister-sos citation

needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath Enright for kicking so much ass. I want to thank Eli Bosnick for taking so many names. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for doing both ass-related and non-ass-related things. I need to thank the Simpsons Watch Along podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Learn more about them in the show notes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Ray Amoratus, David Tiago, Evan, Jessica, John, Mark, Rick, Jeff, Daniel, Casey, Fluffy Fox number four, Angela, Luke, Ben, and Vincent. Ray Amoratus, David Tiago, Evan, and Jessica, who are so advanced aliens say they built the pyramids. John, Mark, Rick, Jeff, Daniel, and Casey

who have to wear Kevlar condoms. And Fluffy Fox number four, Angela, Luke, Ben, and Vincent, whose orgasm histories show up as cosmic background radiation. Together, these 17 succulent secularists satisfied our insatiable need for sustenance this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some of it to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode,

or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingads.com. And if you'd like to help, but money's too expensive, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, following at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter, and telling a friend about the show. The legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark,

who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. And when we come back, Morgan will have gotten the and when we come back blank thing that I'll have sent him when I send the diatribe and everything.

I'll send you this and do it separately. Please keep it as that. Yeah, no. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.