The Scathing Atheist - 405: A is for Aghast Edition

Episode Date: November 19, 2020

In this week’s episode, Justice Alito warns us to check our underpants for Jabberwockys, the best Christmas movie is Die Hard and Eli can die mad about it, and Ken Ham will psychologically torture the alphabet into the minds of children. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there:  To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Learn more about Tom and Cecil’s Livestream to Save the Senate here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLRE7UzYSgs&feature=youtu.be Check out the Weird and Loathsome Podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-weird-and-loathsome-podcast/id1537341618 --- Headlines: Justice Alito Delivers Partisan Rant Against (Fictional) Religious Persecution: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/13/justice-alito-delivers-partisan-rant-against-fictional-religious-persecution/ Michele Bachmann: God’s “Iron Rod” Must “Smash the Delusion” That Joe Biden Won https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/10/michele-bachmann-gods-iron-rod-must-smash-the-delusion-that-joe-biden-won/ Tim Sheets: Nobody is president elect https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/11/evangelical-pastor-spreads-election-lies-no-one-is-president-elect/ Dutch Sheets had a dream about plates that prove Pennsylvania will go red https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/14/prophet-interprets-wacky-dream-involving-spinning-plates-and-red-states/ UK Report Details Shocking Indifference to Child Sex Abuse by Cardinal: https://www.iicsa.org.uk/key-documents/23357/view/catholic-church-investigation-report-10-november-2020.pdf Anti-Abortion Activist: Every Church Should “Defy Lockdown” and Gather In Person https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/15/anti-abortion-activist-every-church-should-defy-lockdown-and-gather-in-person/ Madison Cawthorne brags to Jews about trying to convert Jews to Christianity: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/17/gop-congressman-elect-tells-jewish-publication-how-he-tried-to-convert-jews/ Black Republican Atheist on Cincinnati City Council Arrested on Bribery Charges: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/11/black-republican-atheist-on-cincinnati-city-council-arrested-on-bribery-charges/ Creationist explains that god made nasal bones so we’d have a place to put our glasses: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/17/creationist-god-gave-us-a-nasal-bone-because-he-knew-wed-wear-glasses-one-day/

Warning, before this sentence is even over, I'll have said fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey. And by the No Illusions House of Voter Fraud Investigation and your inaugural crowd size being very big. Because $20,000 a day buys all my scruples and then some. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Brian K. DeVille, the pseudonymous host of the Weird and Loathsome podcast. It's no surprise that mankind clings to comforting fictions in the face of a vast and indifferent universe, but to grapple with existential horror, embrace the truth that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday. It's November 19th. And it's International Men's Day. Great. So sit back in that chair that you're way too possessive of and use a tape measure for no reason and die five years earlier. Enjoy. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from Nucky Johnson's, New Jersey, John Kasich's, Ohio, and John Ossoff's, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Justice Alito warns us to check our underpants for Jabberwockies. The best Christmas movie ever is Die Hard. I will kill you. And Ken Ham will psychologically torture the alphabet into the minds of children. But first,

the diatribe. I'm going to go ahead and toss it out there. It has not been a great week at the Lusion's household. Lucinda's dad's not doing great. At this point in his life, he's got a collapsed lung. His kidneys are decorative. His heart has more stents in it than a pre-COVID Bears game.

And he's back in the hospital right now for the third time in the past two months. And every time I see him at this point, in the back of my head, there is a voice that's saying, please do not ask me about the afterlife so for years he and i have ribbed each other a bit about one another's beliefs he's religious but in like a passing whatever you say kind of way he doesn't know anything about his religion he doesn't go to church he doesn't pray but if you ask him what he believes he'll give you the whole god in heaven thing and if he finds out that you don't believe in that, he will incessantly fuck with you about it for the entire time that you're married to his daughter, apparently.

And in the past, that's all just been good fun, right? Like, he's the kind of guy that fucks with everybody because he's too manly to tell him he loves him. Picking on me is a term of endearment with him. But if we talk about it now, it won't be a joke. a term of endearment with him but if we talk about it now it won't be a joke he'll turn to me with that serious expression that i've only seen on his face half a dozen times in 23 years and he'll ask me do you really believe that it all just ends when we die and i don't know what i'll say back i honestly don't know what i'll say i i do this for a living. I defend this position for a living. In the abstract, it's so fucking easy when I'm shouting into the void,

when I'm talking to you, it's real easy to say, obviously there's no afterlife. The very concept doesn't match up with anything we know about anything. It's a hell of a lot harder to look a guy about to fall off the edge of a cliff in the face and tell him confidently that there's no net down there. I mean, but what's the right answer even is is honesty brave or callous at this point should i stick to my guns or should i offer him up the lie that he wants to hear i've been wrestling with that question for the last couple of days certain that it was going to come up and to be honest it is shaking me to my fucking

core it's the kind of question that forces an atheist podcaster to look around his studio and ask what the hell we're even doing here i mean here's this thing that i've dedicated my entire life to defending and spreading and when i examine it at this particular angle in this particular light it looks like a bludgeon to beat a terrified old man with and then i remember who the culprit is i remember the reason it's so hard and the reason that this falls on my shoulders and who made my beliefs look like a bludgeon and then i remember what we're doing here and i remember that religion can go fuck itself it isn't my fault the emperor is naked

and it's not my fault he thought he was wearing clothes. So fuck everybody who ever sold the idea of an afterlife. Fuck them for making me face this question in the first place. Fuck them for fashioning and perpetuating a lie so beautiful that it made the truth too ugly to behold. I mean, obviously this is a hard fucking thing to deal with. Our own mortality

is the hardest thing that most of us will ever have to deal with. It's something so hard to deal with that we build whole institutions and shit just so that we can hide

this question behind their walls. We hope that if we put enough statues and holy books and stained glass windows between us and this question, we won't notice it when we look in this direction.

And then eventually we find ourselves standing in a spot where we have to wrestle with it and we find ourselves entirely unprepared because we've been wallowing in an unconvincing lie the whole fucking time. I mean, and look, if the lie worked, people like me would never have to tread this question, would we? I don't turn to flat earthers when I'm forced to look at the horizon and ask them what they really believe. And if they tell me, I would laugh at them because they're wrong and it's stupid. If religious people actually believed in their afterlives, they wouldn't be threatened by my refusal to do the same.

And look, maybe if it really was just this, right? It was just that we all couldn't cope with our own mortality. So we all agreed to play along with this lie so that we'd be able to get through our day-to-day lives without being crushed by existential despair. If that's all it was, it would be a lot harder for us to claim the moral high ground in this. I'm not saying we still wouldn't have it, but it would be much harder to justify it if the people most vociferously perpetuating the lie weren't selling it for cash. But that takes all the wind out of the altruism sale, doesn't it? At that point, playing along with the lie also means playing along with the con artist. And that wipes away any hint of moral ambiguity quite nicely.

But of course, knowing all that doesn't make the fucking question any easier to answer. It just makes it easier to direct my rage at how hard it is. I mean, I'm still wrestling with what I'll say if it comes up, and I'm still hoping it doesn't. But for whatever it's worth, the idea I'm leaning towards right now is an approach I call tentative honesty. The idea I'm leaning towards right now is an approach I call tentative honesty. If I absolutely had to answer the question right now, I'd tell him, yeah, I don't believe that there's anything on the other side. But hey, man, I'm wrong all the fucking time. And I hope this is one of those times.

But even best case scenario, you better act like I'm right and not wait until the afterlife to tell people you love that you love them. And then I'd tell them I love them. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Franklin and Trevor to my Michael Heath, Ed Wright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to praise heist almighty? Grand Theft Auto dice. That is how I got my 99 Subaru.

See, and like Trevor, the more I think about it, the less wacky fun I am and the more problematic. And since Eli seems to be on his way to seeing why I use that analogy, we're going to give him another minute to chew on that while you hear from this week's first sponsor, Honey. Baby for sale. Baby for sale. Hey, Eli, what are you doing? Why are you trying to sell your baby? Oh, hey, Noah. He keeps outgrowing his clothes, his little onesies.

I mean, he even needs different sized diapers at this point. It's costing me a fortune. Eli, why don't you just try Honey? As a diaper? Like the comb? Because I'd be worried about stings and anything else. No, no, no. Honey is the free browser extension that scours the internet for promo codes

and automatically applies the best one available at checkout. Like a robot deals assassin. Exactly. Here's how it works. You get Honey on your computer for free in two easy clicks by going to joinhoney.com slash scathing. Then when you're checking out on one of its over 30,000 supported sites, Honey pops up. All you have to do is click apply coupons. Wait a few seconds as Honey searches for coupons for that site. And if Honey finds working codes, it applies the best ones to your cart. Oh, yeah.

You know, I actually have Honey installed on my browser. I used it to buy, like, holiday gift baskets last week. Saved $35. Well, there you go. It's simple. If you have a computer,

Honey should be on it. It's free, and it works with whatever browser you use. You can get Honey for free today at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com

slash scathing. Thanks, Noah. You hear that, babycom slash scathing. Thanks, Noah. You hear that, baby? You get to stay. Now, Noah, what were you looking for? Oh, Heath. I haven't seen him anywhere. Oh, about that.

You sold Heath too? He kept outgrowing his onesies. He does. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight samuel alito is an inspiration boy that's not the word i was expecting that's right no uh stay with me stay with me samuel alito proved that a middle-class white man from new jersey can actually make it in this country they can get all the way to the supreme Court and embody all the values of

Eli's garbage neighbors. Very exciting. The guy around the corner with the Blue Lives Matter flag at least. That's the one I was thinking of. And that means preserving the timeless moral philosophy laid out by the slave-holding

white men from New Jersey who wrote the Constitution. And that guy with the Blue Lives Matter flag. So naturally, Alito was the virtual keynote speaker last week at the National Lawyers Convention for the Slave-Holding White Men's Society. Also known as the Federalist Society at the National Lawyers Convention. convention and the main theme of alito's talk was apparently saying out loud all the bigot stuff that amy coney barrett had to dodge or blatantly lie about during her kangaroo confirmation last month wasn't it was oh my god it was like it was like he knew that some of us wouldn't get to see our racist ranting uncles this thanksgiving and wanted to make up for it great job i guess then yeah if 2020 is looking for a

slogan, my God, the racist ranting uncles are in charge is a good one. It's up there. Yeah, so you can actually watch Alito's entire 30-minute speech. You can also remove your fingernails with a wedge. You can do a lot of things.

But the very beginning of that speech is actually entertaining by accident alito spends the first few minutes trying to preemptively explain away just how fucking boring and evil he's about to be for the rest of the speech and that's compared to other speeches at an event for the federalist society, please tell me he does crowd work. Please tell me he does crowd work. He kind of does. He's like, all right, who's drinking tonight? Everybody drink more wine

because I'm awful and boring. Yeah. And yeah, Sammy Bag of Donuts finally gets to his body of the talk. And it's about the assault on religious liberty by all the high powered atheists here in America. You're an atheist America. What the fuck is he talking about?

You might ask. Well, I'll tell you one example is when the Obama administration would not let a Christian charity be exempt from a law without filing a piece of paper. That law was the contraceptive mandate, to be clear. And in order to deny birth control coverage to their uterus-having employees, a nun had to fill out a form. But she wouldn't do it because that meant Barack Obama was persecuting her. I guess we all want Barack Obama to persecute us. That's fair. We're getting off track alito also claimed that christian pharmacy workers are being persecuted into selling all the medicine

to all the people in their public store they are of course that includes plan b pills alito claimed those pills quote destroy an embryo after fertilization. Nope. He did. No, they do not. Not how that works. And he rounded out the bigots greatest hits thing by criticizing the state of Colorado for trying to tell a bakery that you have to sell food to all the people at your public bakery. And you can't ask a customer to describe the sex they're gonna have later as a prereq for buying a cake you can't be like how many dicks are going into this cake later no of course you can't fuck you yeah look man if i start pretending religious persecution means soup i'll be offered that in lieu of salad what is your fucking point, can we put in a law that says if you can't answer four very basic questions about how fertilization works, whatever your appointment or election is, is nullified.

I feel like we really need that law. How about one basic question? Yeah, one. Right. Exactly. Does he picture a laser? I feel like he pictures a laser. I think it's a pill with a laser that pops out in his head.

Yes. Or a pill with just two little arms that have little laser guns. Or maybe like a double light, like a Darth Maul thing. Oh, right. Yeah. And then it. Definitely red lasers, though, not green or blue lasers. 100%.

Yep. The color is important there. And just a quick reminder about that Colorado thing. The state of Colorado was not able to make that bakery sell food to all the people because of Alito and the Supreme Court. In the Masterpiece Cake Shop ruling from 2018, seven out of nine Supreme Court justices ruled that Colorado didn't explain nicely enough how Christianity is bigotry.

They were kind of short with their tone when they did that. So bigotry allowed on that one. Only Sotomayor and RBG got that one right two years ago. And that was back when the court wasn't completely fucked yet. Since then, weony kennedy with brett kavanaugh and rbg with amy coney fucking barrett and alito's still there giving theocracy speeches and arguing that bigot states should be allowed to ban same-sex marriage he just wrote that into a completely unrelated case yeah just above nothing doesn't relate to this case, but I dissent by saying this. Dehumanizing gay people is in the First Amendment. End of thing. Unrelated.

So, moral of the story, move to fucking Georgia, win the Senate, pack the court with RBG stem cells as soon as possible. Yeah. I brought board games. Or, hey, maybe we just get rid of all the lifetime appointments, right? Like, I can't think of any jobs that you should absolutely get to do until you die. That doesn't seem like a good way to do jobs. Moving to Georgia is easier.

That's fair. And I have board games. Yeah. And in holding on for a prayer news, if you thought this year's election took a painfully long time to decide, just imagine how hard it must be to be a Christian. Many of who this week are still pretty sure Trump is going to pull this one out. Oh, that must be tough.

Do you guys hear that? Do you hear that? You hear that violin? It's very small. Yes, from parlor to the parlors of bigots everywhere the denial is so deep you need a mosquito net first up michelle bachman took to twitter this week to ask god to slap joe biden with his dick at least that's what i got out of it here's the quote yeah interesting smash the delusion father of joe biden as our president he is not would you take your iron rod

and smash the strong delusion that nancy pelosi does have her house of representatives we don't know that smash it in jesus name smash lord the takeover of the u.s senate by chuck schumer lord smash it with your iron rod yep i the person calling upon an interdimensional sky deity to smash election results with a rod would like people to stop being so delusional yeah isn't the iron rod an ar-15 according to one yeah oh wow just call for murder meanwhile over in heath's hometown pastor tim sheets of oasis church in Middletown, Ohio. God, this is really close to me. Yeah.

Ohio took a different tact, deciding to deny information altogether. I'll let you interpret. Here's the quote. First, he calls the news prophets of ball. And then he says, quote, now, the fact is no one is president-elect right the fact is there has not been one state certified the fact is the votes are still being counted and the fact is we have god on our side oh it's so sad at the end yeah no but you're just assuming heat that 3.43 million is more than 3.36 million just because it always has been before.

He concludes, quote, the deplorables I know, he means that in a good way, are not weak need warriors. I run with a crowd that believes what God says is possible. May have gotten harder, but it didn't get impossible. End quote. Great. Okay. but it didn't get impossible. End quote.

Great. Okay. Well, if any strong need deplorables would like to make a wager, I am offering amazing odds and a big signup bonus. Great comps. The whole thing. Yeah.

Yeah. We've also got, you can bet on, you know, Superbowl 16 while you're here. Absolutely. And finally, Christian prophetic revivalist, Dutch sheets. Absolutely. Not finally, Christian prophetic revivalist Dutch Sheets.

Absolutely not a fucking name. That is a weird fuck thing that you are trying to trick the audience into Googling. Dutch Sheets. No, that's actually Tim Sheets' brother. I'm pretty sure. See, he's in on it. Yeah. So regular listeners may remember him for a couple of years ago when he tried to take credit for Supreme Court vacancies.

So this week he blathered endlessly at us about his prophetic dreams, which are definitely inaccurate. So according to my policy of only telling your dreams to people you're sleeping with and common decency, Dutch now has to fuck both me and himself. Huh? And a sheet. Here's the quote. and decency, Dutch now has to fuck both me and himself. Huh. And a sheet. Here's the quote. I dreamed that four people on the political left were spinning four blue plates on sticks

above their heads. They were mocking and laughing about how they were about to serve the nation a blue plate special. What? He has no idea what blue plate special means. He doesn't know how plate spinning works either. There are four of them.

They each have their own plate. I can do that. Yeah, this is a pretty rudimentary chance. The president told an assistant to get some great sharpshooters and this person or the praying church

was chosen and positioned himself to shoot each of the plates now i'm not saying shoot at democrats i'm saying shoot near democrats well so that's the thing noah's right because he realizes he's calling for people to shoot at democratic lawmakers and that's rick wiles thing so concludes, I'm not talking about physical weapons. We're talking about spiritual warfare here. He shot the first plate, and as it fell, it became red in the shape of Georgia. The second

one he shot was North Carolina. It turned red, and the plate took the shape of North Carolina. That's a stupid shape for a plate. Third, Pennsylvania. The shape turned into Pennsylvania.lvania turned red a little better and the fourth one was arizona as it was shot it fell and turned into the shape of arizona became red i wish one of them was hawaii and the plate was just like dots now yeah it's like oh

that one was all fucked up and in pro noise, anti-abortion activist and lying liar who lies, Abby Johnson had an excellent idea this week. And in the name of fair and reasonable skepticism, I think it is only just that we acknowledge it. Okay, is it killing herself and her loved ones through homicidally negligent COVID denial? I don't spoil your stories, Noah. Don't interrupt. But yes, Abby Johnson took to Twitter this week with the fantastic idea that everyone who listens to Abby Johnson should put themselves in mortal danger. And I am for it.

Here's the quote. Okay. It's time for every church in America to defy lockdown, quarantine, and any other orders related to this virus. People need to be in church. They need to fellowship with other believers. They need hope. They need Jesus.

Stop cowering to the government. Stand up and fight. End tweet. But unless the plan is to board up the doors once we've coaxed them in, I don't think this is a good idea, Eli. Okay, so we've got our plan then and it's a good idea. Heath. Yeah.

So, listeners, maybe you are a negative Nancy like Noah here and you're thinking, but Eli, what about their loved ones? Well, good news. Thanks to my extensive scientific research, I know that anyone who goes to church with or

loves Abby Johnson would not be missed if they died of COVID or in a hail of bullets trying to stand up and fight to the government. So, this is not just a foolproof plan. It's a guilt- proof plan as well. Get on board, everybody.

Two thumbs all the way up. Okay. So while Andrew sits Eli down for another one of them talks, we're going to pause for a word from our second sponsor this week. Hey, podcast listeners. As many of you know, we've had to push back vulgarity for charity for a variety of reasons this year. But if you're one of the lucky listeners who's not having a hard time this year,

we've got an awesome cause for you to give to. Give to us. Eli, no. Screw you guys. Diapers are expensive. No, dude. Dude, our buddies Tom and Cecil over the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast are doing a live stream to save the Senate on Black Friday.

That's November 27th from 4 to 7 p.m. Eastern time. And we're on from 530 to 6 o'clock Eastern. So give money during that time and help us win back the Senate. Plus, if we raise the most money during our time slot, we can rub it in everyone else's faces. Yeah, like particularly help us win back the Senate. Mostly that. That's November 27th from 4 to 7 p.m. Eastern time slot is 5 30 to 6 that's the most important time join us and help do something great or maybe just give it to us stop seriously gross again sorry i hate the new guy and we're back next up in headlines in conversion unit news tonight. Something tells me you're going to want to get used to hearing the name Madison Cawthorn on this show.

And yes, I said that name right. I didn't just type Caucasian, Caucasian and wing it. He's the 25 year old Republican congressman to be. He's gross. Oh, yeah. Right. Well, he showed up in a twim a couple of weeks ago when every woman he'd ever known came out to accuse him of some level of sexual harassment or abuse and this week he gave an interview to jewish insider which honestly went better than i expected from a guy who posted

super braggy instagram photos of himself in hitler's old vacation home and said it was an item on his bucket list to see that but still the fuck is wrong with you yeah no but regardless he did tell the reporter from jewish insider about the numerous times when he tried to convert jews to christianity that's right just like a humble craftsman i know from jesus christ i'm just like Jesus Christ. Speaking of eliminating Jews, I happen to be in favor of non-violent

methods as well. Yes, exactly. In the mold of Donald Trump, Cawthorn fell into the reporter's clever ruse of just asking him directly and assuming he wouldn't know enough to lie. when asked if he'd ever tried to convert jews to his faith cawthorn said quote i have unsuccessfully i have switched

a lot of uh you know i guess culturally jewish people he's switched them what but being a practicing jew like people who are religious about it, about their religion, they are very difficult and somehow still able to form words around that foot. He added, quote, I've had a hard time connecting with them in that way. Cool. Cool. Good answer. Now name some adjectives about us people. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Good answer. Now name some adjectives about us people. I've had a hard time connecting with them in that way. Sure is nice beard you've got there. Want to be Christian? Do you want to be a Christian? How would you like a religion that doesn't require you to wear that? Now, look, I don't want to give madison cawthorne too much shit because his dad's definitely dying to shut down somebody's favorite ski center and i don't

want it to be mine also he's set to be the youngest member of congress in history he's a good looking guy he's like very clearly a virulent white supremacist and i don't think the republicans have noticed yet. So I'm feeling we don't make too much noise about it. There's a real good chance they're going to try to make him like their AOC right before the pics of him in the KKK yearbook resurface.

Yeah, he's like if AOC deserved the harassment she gets. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Like that. That's about it. I'm going to tip him over. All right. Next up in headlines. I'm'm gonna tip him over all right next up in headlines i'm gonna tip him we have a follow-up story about jeff pastor the episcopalian methodist southern baptist pentecostal muslim jewish liberal independent conservative coke sprite dr pepper mountain tab free tap water city councilman right here in Cincinnati.

Well, he finally landed on Republican Atheist. So behold, the Republican Atheist in his natural environment. So very proud about that one question he got right about the the number of gods and he got arrested for bribery. Just now arrested for bribery. Also wire fraud, extortion and money laundering. He's in jail now. He's in jail. Oh, man.

Who'd have thought a man who defines himself as selfish despite knowing better wouldn't be great about money? Yeah. I'm going to be honest with you. When I saw that this story was in the notes, I went full on goose laugh. I honked. I honked when I saw this headline. I was so happy when I saw this. He's stupid and he's in jail.

So we talked about this guy last spring when he made headlines for having that long list of seemingly contradictory belief systems all at the same time and then finally adding the atheism title and his willingness to look for positive elements in all different philosophies. I guess that was kind of interesting. No, it wasn't. That was stupid. He was doing that all wrong. There's some element of good in there

if you're doing it right. He was not. Regardless, we just learned that he was also running a giant bribery scheme the whole time. According to federal prosecutors, Mr. Pastor took office in 2018 and immediately started looking for bribes from local developers. Turns out those developers quickly became undercover agents and they literally handed him bags of cash to buy his vote on approving their fake building projects because again they were agents at this point and at one point he tried to get the agents to pay him a monthly

retainer in bags of cash for his ongoing criming on their behalf it sure would be a pity if someone were to go back in time and not approve your contracts well yeah i can forgive his victims for thinking that a atheist republican isn't bound by the same temporal laws as you and i's yeah you know what that's fair that's fair it's understandable and here's another fun little detail especially now that we have this information. Earlier this year, a different city council member got arrested for taking bribes. And here's the official statement from Jeff Pastor following that revelation earlier this year. Quote, I honestly believe no one is conducting this kind of behavior at City Hall. I can definitely say that is not the case with me.

I'm going to continue to work to restore trust and faith back to city government end exact quote wait so he just offered up bribing is a thing i'm not doing unsolicited yes yes he did it's the perfect crime don't you see because he said he didn't do it because he said he did did it. Before you even say anything, I'm not. What? Who? Smoke bomb. Did you just throw a smoke bomb? We didn't start yet.

No, it's just checking. I lied about having a smoke bomb. I don't even have a rash there. What? You tried to suck your own dick and hurt your back. So, speaking of Republican atheists and their behavior, like the last thing Eli said, there's a group of Republican atheists called the Republican atheists. And they're all big fans of the show.

Love us. Never heard of us. Never heard of us. All five of them are probably pretty busy fighting theocracy by helping Lindsey Graham with a recount or something. But if one of the five of you gets a minute, come get your boy. He's held by the FBI here in Cincinnati. He's a Republican atheist, like the title of your fucking thing. And also, definitely let me know if you're in the area.

We can totally sit down and have a drink. That'd be great. I will definitely show up. I'm going to tip you over. Oh, sure. But when I say I want to poison someone, I have to sit down for an Andrew yelling. I hate being the new guy.

What? Poison? You said it with your heart. You said it with your heart. I can tell you for sure. I am not poisoning anybody. I'm not getting any bribes over here at City Hall. It's a great bar. It's called

Under Red X. You just check it out. It's a piano bar. You'll like it. And finally tonight in Through My Glasses Darkly News. Fantastic. I was happy with that one. We got a brief glimpse into God's convoluted logic this week,

thanks to Answers to Genesis' education content administrator, Dr. Jennifer Hall Rivera. Everything about that title is nonsense. No. Oh, I'm just getting started. The nonsense is just ramping up. Okay, so during an appearance on youtube's very own answers news dr rivera was called upon to explain the differences between a primate and human skull and in an explanation that would have had the exact same informational content if she'd

never seen either of those two objects before she explained that God gave humans a nasal bone so they would have a place to put their glasses. Yep. All right. So I'm thinking for the eyes. I'm God. I'm intelligently designing, right?

I'm going to make them blurry and have them see upside down, but then I'll make a brain thing to flip stuff, right? Yeah. And then a nose bone for holding glasses eventually. Who said eyes that work?

Get the fuck out. This is serious. Get out. Okay. But Heath, Noah, I just Googled monkeys wearing glasses and I'm about to blow Jen's shit wide open. Wide open. They're adorable. Counterpoint, right?

You've never seen a tapir? Jesus fucking Christ. They got an amazing, whatever. Idiot. So yeah, so after a bunch of like, you know, well, this one is more, you know, overly bullshit. We get this amazing quote. And I know sometimes we say quote and we do a jokey thing that turns out not to be

a real quote. I want to tell you in advance, this is actually the fucking quote. Yes, it is. Quote, we also can look at the nasal bone right here. God designed humans very specifically with this nasal bone because he knew because of sin, we'd be wearing glasses and contacts, right? So this helps hold our glasses. And contacts? As soon as she said contacts, she like visibly realized she fucked up and she

panics for just a second and you can see her like going, push through Dr. Rivera, push through. I like to stick my contacts right here on my nasal bone to hold the extra ones. You don't need that little container thing filled with the tubes. You just snap them on right here. There's a little snap.

I got a snap on mine. You guys have a on right here. There's a little snap. I gotta snap them on. Have a snap? She continues, quote, primates have no need to wear glasses, so they were not created with that bone there. End actual quote that a grown-up said. Hey, it's me again. God,

one more thing. You just know I'm going to get mad at these things and curse them with childbirth and bad eyesight. So that's the place for their glasses in a couple thousand years later. Because I'm a nice guy. Yeah, right. Exactly. So the best moment in the exchange, though, is the bit where the other two ladies decide whether they're supposed to laugh at how fucking stupid that was or pretend it's real.

But one way or the other dr hall is a fucking delight okay i looked up her qualifications might as well say that her expertise was clinically tested quote this is from the answers to genesis website mother approved yeah her experience in the field of forensic science includes employment in a crime scene unit, over a decade of teaching, journal publications, and numerous speaking events, end quote. Okay, that was her diary. So, you know, Google Alerts set. Here's hoping that we'll hear more from her in the future.

I'm sorry, I'm really stuck on the crime scene unit thing because I have a feeling someone in a crime scene was like, hey, Jen, can you clean up all this shit from when the guy jumped off the roof?

And she was like, yes, Dr. Jen. And they were like, what? All right. Well, while we all update our resumes, I guess we can close

the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, we'll learn our ABCs complete with all the murder and genocides that secular media is too scared to tell you about. We will.

Long ago, Christians realized that their only real chance of long-term survival was to get to people who didn't know enough to disprove their bullshit. And that meant that their targets had chance of long-term survival was to get to people who didn't know enough to disprove their bullshit and that meant that their targets had to get ever younger or ever further from reliable internet access and since we don't speak palawan or north sentinelese we're gonna break down some of the shit aimed at kids on this week's god awful mini So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? I have no idea.

None. None idea. It's called A is for Adam. And it goes through the alphabet with Bible stuff. Yep. But when I realized they were going to do every single fucking letter, I completely checked out. So, Noah, what are we going to be breaking down today? Okay, that's fair. that's fair because i'm the

one that pushed for this i've been wanting to do this for a long fucking time see we talked about this on episode 377 we talked about this uh new young earth creationist streaming service answers in genesis launched for you know people who are too conservative for pure flicks and we had particular fun with the educational program that set out to teach the alphabet and very obviously blew it well luckily for us it turns out that a is for adam is the cobra kai of christian streaming because it finally made its way to pure flicks and that means that we get to break it down on this week's god awful mini so eli how bad was this mini well if you want to teach the alphabet, but your entire worldview is dependent on knowing as few true things as possible,

you will love this off-topic, barely alphabetical screed. It's so bizarre. It's so much worse than I thought it was going to be. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Absolutely not. Didn't rise to that level. alright so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? absolutely not didn't rise to that level I was going to go with best worst word order

so in this desperate and ultimately futile effort to get this thing to fit all into a rhyme scheme of some sort they wind up phrasing this shit in a way that would make Yoda ask them to diagram it and fucking early right I think they may get two letters in this shit in a way that would make Yoda ask them to diagram it. And fucking early, right? I think they make

it two letters in before they have to be like was to them what he did also. Right. We're definitely doing it by B, right? I don't know. I can't say for sure we didn't do it in A but we're doing it by B at the latest. Didn't get the love and

care that A is for Adam. And of course, I'm going to go with best worst forgetting which story we're telling because this alphabet book dances wildly around the Bible, but also gets confused three or four letters at a time

to be like, I ain't no fucking monkey. D, don't you tell me I'm a monkey motherfucker. E, Eli, you fat piece of shit, how dare you tell me I'm a monkey. There's quite a bit

of that, yeah. Fuck a monkey. Wait a minute. We show that in a cartoon. They do. It's pretty bad. Alright, so yeah, so the opening of this movie sends a very clear, like, don't get your hopes up kind of message with the animation. Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure they animated

this by running around in front of cameras with pictures their nephew drew for six hours. And the picture we're looking at is a naked dude with a bunch of dinosaurs who then disappears behind the bush that that little toucan was in. Okay, I thought he was putting his dick

in the shrubbery. I thought like he's very happy about it. He had a dick in his shrubbery. Yeah, absolutely. Big smile on his face. He's got his dick in something interesting inside. Maybe just the shrubbery itself. I don't know. He's curious about the next thing he's going to put his dick in. It's a weird start. Awful lot of little

critters around there. Yeah. And so, oh, by the way, before it even starts, we see this. This is such an amazing fact. This was written by Ken Ham and his wife. This took two people, not one, but two human beings. Intellectual efforts went into this. Yeah.

Written by argument is a great way to describe this text. All right. So they open up by saying A is for Adam three fucking times. They did it for the rest of the thing. I'm pretty sure each letter. Yep. All three kids who fucked it up sometimes.

Their line was like, B is for Bible. And they would fuck it. They used it so many times with mistakes. It was so rough. All in one take. Yeah. So it starts off with A is for Adam. Adam weren't no fucking

monkey. That's where we're starting. He wasn't a monkey. He wanted to build harps and shit. Exactly. Scientists are liars is in the opening page of their children's book Opening sentence

It's so bad God was there You weren't there You don't fucking know Anyways B Yeah And I'm like Oh I wonder what B will stand for

Oh Bible Yep Bible Jesus Christ I wrote my notes at this point Oh God they're gonna say them all three times That's how they got to that 13 minute run time But B could have been for bananas Which is heavily featured in this scene

The monkey's got the giant thing of bananas He talks about the bananas At this point yeah It's a great thing to put your dick in You got the peel and you can warm it Well and beyond that Maybe with the bananas you wouldn't have to phrase your sentence. A book God did give.

Yeah. Fuck you. Oh, and by the way, they go, a book God did give. Anyway, evolution is bullshit. Yes. Yes. In case you forgot, between seconds 44 and 79 79 it reminds you that evolution is still a fucking lie I'm not making

that up I went back and looked at the time stamps it comes back in and it says yeah it's been almost half a minute y'all it's still a bunch of bullshit maybe you were just sitting down getting your animal crackers or whatever we just want to make sure you didn't miss anything

alright so then we get C. C is for animals getting your animal crackers or whatever. We just want to make sure you didn't miss anything. All right. So then we get C. C is for animals. They go C is for creatures. All the creatures of the world that Adam got to hang out with. And then we get D is for dinosaur because of fucking course it is.

Maybe don't bring up dinosaurs. I was going to say, I really wanted the screen to turn black and just be like, shut the fuck up about dinosaurs. E is for elephant. And then we get E is for Eve. We introduced the love interest. And Adam's getting snuck up on while shitting here, right? Yes, absolutely.

That's what we're watching. That's the position they put him in yeah yeah and if you're wondering hey did this children's book about the alphabet include the quote she's made out of my flesh yes don't worry they did include she's made out of my flesh yeah and we should point out that in addition to watching these very very very basic animations, it's not even right to call them animations, right? They're still photographs where some of the elements of the photograph wave back and forth. But in addition to watching this, we're also watching a bunch of kids read. And that's also very super sad.

Like watching kids actually read this shit is really sad. Yeah, it's a bummer. Anyway, so we've got the male and female lead. It's time for the inciting incident. So F is for fruit, right? Really? They needed to work original sin into their alphabet book. Oh, yeah, dude.

We are not even three minutes into this movie before it goes full. And now they deserve to suffer for eternity. And so do you. And now they deserve to suffer for eternity. And so do you. And then as if to underscore that G is for ghastly. Not grace, like fall from grace or like garden, like the place you are right now in your thing.

Genesis, the name of the book you're fucking God. Where the answers are. Nope. No. Not ghastly. She is for ghastly. And it's terrible because it's she is for ghastly is what happened next. Yes. Yeah. So we introduced the snake,

but of course back then snakes had legs and that holds up real well when you have to draw it out. Let me tell you. Take it serious. I did enjoy that the snake from Eden was Charmander. Very clearly. Yeah, very clearly. And then H.

Oh, God, they just give up on the whole alphabet thing at this point, right? They have stopped on the dryer. Hey, so did I right here. H is for how sly the serpent sounds. thing at this point, right? They have stopped fucking trying. Ages for how sly the serpent sounds. God. Heath's notes, by the way, at this point are

this is unwatchable. Let's talk about death with him. Yeah, I mean like I think it's important that we not talk about this alphabet and we talk about killing old people, you know, just like nicely letting them kill themselves. By the way, at this point in this in the children's alphabet television program, there is scary alphabet music. Yes. Yes.

Do do do do do. Fucking call. Yeah, but in a minor key. Yeah. All right. yes do do do do do do fucking yeah but in a minor key yeah all right so then I as for how

interested Eve was in the fruit in the fruit nailed it nailed it I as for ice flow

great way to die just wanna pass as a Nordic cultures they do that and okay

so Jay I love this one Jackal Pass. There's a Nordic cultures. They do that. And okay. So J, I love this one. J is. Jackal? Is it Jackal? Jackal. This is where I just started guessing what the letters would be to entertain myself.

It was for jovial. And I wrote my notes. Take me there of the hams. But that's, but Satan was jovial, you see. So crazy. Oh, and then, of course, we get the first one that we made fun of way back in episode 377. K. Kevorkian.

Ketamine. KKK. Yeah, right. that was my guess no those who would have made phonetic sense no the K is for new because because now Adam and Eve knew about their

knakedness okay so far I just want to point out more than half of the letters we have covered in this alphabet book have been about the devil's emotions. All right, so L is, well, obviously, L is for Lorde. Well, maybe it's not obviously. G was for ghastly, I guess.

Yep. But L is for Lorde, who shows up and catches him putting on clothes and shit, which are bullshit. We get a quote in here, obey or you'll die. And I just wrote, obey or you'll die. A children's movie about the alphabet. That's what it actually goddamn says.

Yeah. It's also for Lake of Fire, everybody. Lake of Fire, children's song. Yeah, so God casts them out for all eternity. So M is for moan, right? Because that's what they did when God made thorns and postpartum depression. Jesus Christ. Right.

And then this is one of the times that I really liked that they get off track because they're like, boy, did they moan. Shit. Don't worry. Christ died for your sins. He's going to show up later. Ah, fuck. Are we on C or fuck? M is still? Okay, so N is

for never, which is when God's going to let him back into that fucking garden. Oh, how many letters are left and is for knights nazi yeah right right yeah now i wrote my notes here i'm like not enough threats of flaming decapitation in children's cartoons really all right and so here's the one that's so fucked up. I started thinking that we made this, right? And it went backwards in time somehow. O is for offering, wherein I am not making this shit up.

We learn about the importance of atoning through blood sacrifice. Yep. Of a puppy. Yeah, they show a little dead sheep, a little cutesy murdered sheep that had to be murdered because the blood appeased God. Yeah. And both of the characters are like,

do we have to murder a sheep or a puppy? Whatever the fuck that is? Do we? Yep, we do. Everybody, murder a sheep. You're a child. We're adults. Again, just to be clear, this is also a book which means hundreds if not thousands of parents all over the world open this book to this page and we're like and that

that is the blood offering that god demands oh and speaking of pr for god we get to pee here which is for plan which God totally had the whole time don't worry alright you know what Q is for QAnon here we go this is important kids everybody sit down it comes up. It says Q is for quiet.

And I'm like, which is what we should keep if anybody asks us about the video they showed us at camp tonight. But no, quiet is, listen to this bullshit. What Adam and Eve were when God was saying his line. Yeah. Quiet was like Book of Timothy. Like, hey like hey eve shut the fuck up misogyny just fucking quiet r is for rough and i'm like you bet your ass in it r is for how this alphabet book is coming who knew there were so many fucking letters am I right also little thing they try to introduce the dodo as a comical character

at R and I'm like no no no fuck you movie you do not now get to introduce the dodo as a comical sidekick to Adam and Eve's adventures yeah no he was standing around during the blood sacrifice going like you guys serious yeah I'm glad it wasn't me i love that they used

the doomed animal for that okay s is for 70 which is how many kids eve shat out yes we've made it to the incest portion of the film yes he is and by the way incest was fine children's book yeah no i wrote that in my notes i'm like oh, oh, good, the incest part. But no, they doubled down. They literally take a second to talk about how sometimes it's okay to fuck your sister. S is for stepsister. It is a type of porn. No, step, it's a different thing when it's step.

Yeah. So, no, they did not mean stepsister. That would have been better if they had shown stepsister porn here yes more ethical absolutely and that's even before we get to t which is for goddamn murder so he is for trouble which seems apropos coming after the incest justification. But no, it's about Cain killing Abel. Yeah. T is for Barney Rubble. Trouble rhymes with P stands for mnemonic.

P is for mnemonic, everybody. You know, mnemonic. What? I mean, what would you do without a bloody club and a children's book? Yeah, no, we see literally a bloody bat and there's a dead dude. Like we only can see his feet and shit because, you know, it's a kid's video. Jesus Christ. Should have gone full walking dead.

Yeah, right. I wanted to see Abel's pulp skull. Cowards. Who the fuck is remembering the alphabet from this? I don't think I can do the alphabet anymore. Nope. So U is for

Urinary tract infection. No. I was sure I was going to guess one eventually. No. U is for utterly. Utterly. Because that was the adverb or adjective, depending on how they use it here,

to like start their next sentence. Yeah, because it was utterly shocking. I'm like, well, why wasn't U for unnerving or unspeakable than you fucking idiots? Wow. And then, of course, to show all these humans that killing was unacceptable, God killed them. Yep.

U is for unintelligent design. There you go. Yeah, so God was a pretty tough judge. He sent a great flood, which made lots of sludge. Also corpses. Yep. Corpse sludge. Corpse sludge also corpses yep corpse sludge sludge jesus christ where does the kids alphabet cartoon go after genocide you wonder well v is for violent wow you bet your ass it is yeah but don't A very, very tiny portion of all the living things didn't get murdered. That's right.

You know. And we see the ark with the dinosaur on it. Yep. Again, maybe don't bring the dinosaur back for your ark scene. That would be not the best time. No. And then W is for walk, which blew me the fuck away because it's literally for like how the koalas got back from Israel to Australia. Right.

W. Yep. For walk. They fucking they walked and brought their bones with them. Pick up your dead somewhere. And then we get to the bane of all alphabet books. I mean mean even good Alphabet books have trouble with

X Xenophobia there you go You're set you got a good one But no X is for Explode Explode Nailed it

They come in and like a they come in and they're like, a population explosion. And then they're like, we mean like a lot of people being born. I guess it's the Bible. We need to explain which kind of population explosion we mean. The Tower of Babel. Fuck.

How do we run out of letters? Didn't we spend like six letters at the beginning on Satan's emotions? I feel stupid. We pasted this so badly. So yeah, so they're doing the tower of babel okay this i think honestly may have been the worst they ever did with any letter y is for yes i had to go back and check to see how they were doing this but it's just yes as in that's one of those words you can use to start any sentence right y is for yes and and I improvised Y in their book. Yes.

Yeah, it's just like, yes, God did decide afterwards that he was going to fuck that shit up. Yeah, it was so bad. Yes, I did think of one for all of the letters in my 13-minute video. Oh God, that's literally what happened

is Ken Ham said to his wife, did you think of one for Y yet? And she said yes, and he wrote that down. Got it. He's like, I ain't going to delete it now, God damn it. I don't know how to do the backspace. All right. And then finally we get Z or Zed

because it's Ken Ham, but Zed is for zip. What? As in, I think to move quickly but wrong. Like they used it like a noun. They said a zip it will be before God shows back up. They tried to bring the

entire apocalypse into this Z. They're like, a zip it will be when God comes back with the sword mouth Jesus. Okay, so there are bowls. Fuck, we're out of letters. Goodbye! I just want to be clear. I am unfamiliar with this usage of the word zip, and so is the goddamn

dictionary. So. Alright, well, normally, after something like this, I would ask you guys what the moral of the story was, but I'm pretty sure that Andrew would ask me to delete anything you said if it was at all accurate. So any inaccurate. It's okay to fuck your sister.

That's what I learned. Finally, Heath gets a message he's believed all along. Oh, God. He doesn't need a sister. All right. So on that reminder that Christian kid stuff is always at least as horrible and damaging as we've always said it was. We're going to wrap up this edition of God Awful Minis. Before we certify the count this week, I want to remind everybody that paperback copies of Outbreak, Crisis of Faith, How Religion Ruined Our Global Pandemic make great holiday gifts.

And if you don't believe in Jesus, you don't have to wait to the 25th or anything to give those out. You can give them out whenever the fuck you want. So check the show notes for a link to take care of all your religious relatives' gifts this year. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday.

And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be a sad excuse for me if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for his Vulcan-like logic, Lucid Illusions for her Betazoid-like insight, and Eli Bostic for his Klingon-like bowel movements. I also need to thank Brian K. DeVille from the Weird and Loathsome podcast for providing this week's Barnesworth quote. Incidentally, if you heard that dude's voice and you immediately thought, man, I really want that exact voice reading me horror stories and shit, good news, that's his show, and you'll

find the link in the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, along with last week's and the week's before, so big breath here. Alistair, James, Katie, John, Ryan, Carleen, Michael, Anonicus, Man in Black, Odin, Alexander, Flaming Descent, Jeff, Lauren, Kevin, Say Aloish, Anthony, Bolas, Jesse, Origin, Adam, Gary, Caps the Size of Cantaloupes, Vixen, Melanie, Agent Buttery, Nipples Metal, Mike, Gale,

and Jeremy, who are hot enough to melt heat. Together, these 29 tantalizingly talented tellers of truth turned over treasure tender to our tawdry trade this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingalienst, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended app-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingalienst.com.

And if you'd like to help, but you and money aren't on speaking terms, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used for sure, that counts. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the

contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You fighting yourself fighting you in nakatomi plaza the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2020 all rights reserved