The Scathing Atheist - 408: Discriminational Anthem Edition

Episode Date: December 10, 2020

In this week’s episode, Amy Coney Barret reads the first amendment like a magic eye poster, Rudy Giuliani has COVID and a foley fart guy, and Don Ford will be here because we still don’t have the heart to tell him we meant to hire Don Fjord. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Find more info on Polk County Atheists’ fundraiser for the Foundation Beyond Belief here: https://polkatheists.org/holiday-cheer/ Check out Noah’s spot on Does This Still Work? here: https://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/show/dtswpod/id/17093294 Check out Noah’s spot on Thank God I’m Atheist here: https://www.spreaker.com/user/tgiatheist/tgia-470 --- Headlines: Trump admin greenlights more religious discrimination: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/08/trump-admin-will-let-taxpayer-funded-contractors-discriminate-in-jesus-name/ EW Jackson has COVID: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/after-repeatedly-vowing-hed-never-get-covid-19-e-w-jackson-reveals-he-contracted-the-virus/ Pope Francis Says We Shouldn’t Oppose COVID Restrictions in the Name of Freedom: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/28/pope-francis-we-shouldnt-oppose-covid-restrictions-in-the-name-of-freedom/ WV Teacher gets around COVID restrictions by calling dance “religious vow renewal” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/07/a-wv-teacher-hosted-a-school-dance-by-calling-it-a-religious-vow-renewal-event/ Rick Wiles offers to pay the fine for giant Jewish wedding: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/25/rick-wiles-i-paid-the-15000-covid-fine-for-that-huge-orthodox-jewish-wedding/ Trump Judges Rule That Florida’s Bans on Conversion Therapy for Kids Are Unconstitutional: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/25/trump-judges-floridas-bans-on-conversion-therapy-for-kids-are-unconstitutional/ Southern Baptist Leaders: “Critical Race Theory is Incomaptable with our Faith” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/02/southern-baptist-leaders-critical-race-theory-is-incompatible-with-our-faith/ Idaho Lt. Gov. Wants to Spend Taxpayer Money on Discredited “Disinfectant Cubes”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/11/27/idaho-lt-gov-wants-to-spend-taxpayer-money-on-discredited-disinfectant-cubes/

Morning, the following podcast contains adult content, adult language, mild violence, drug use, full frontal nudity, pigeon noises, and unreliable lists. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey, Stamps.com, and by Gift Cards. Gift Cards, all the personalization of cash with none of the convenience. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Now, I'm no science maven. I've got a degree in humanities for Pete's sake,

but even I know that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's December 10th. And it's the Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales. And still zero. Short festival. Once again. No illusion.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Tara Reeds, New Jersey, Cincinnati, Red State, and Redtown, Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Amy Coney Barrett reads the First Amendment like a magic eye poster. Rudy Giuliani has COVID. And a Foley fart guy. Right? Gift that keeps on giving. And Don Ford will be here because we still

haven't had the heart to tell him we meant to hire Don Fjord. But first, Rudy Giuliani has COVID. Just wanted to say it again. And also the diatribe. the diatribe. When you take the time to ask yourself what churchgoers get out of going to church, the arrogance of their fight against COVID restrictions somehow becomes even more glaringly appalling. And I know you might be thinking to yourself, Noah, how could indiscriminately killing your

own community with a special focus on your family and friends so that you can pretend you're immortal possibly be more arrogant and congratulations that's exactly the the correct question to ask but when you start digging a little deeper into their motivations against all odds they manage to make it worse all right so. So first of all, we need to set aside what the church gets out of fighting the COVID restrictions, right? That's money. And selling the safety and longevity of your friends and your family is already plenty fucked up. But for the purposes of this diatribe, let's also set aside the explicit threats and bullshit that church leaders offer up to fill up the pews, right? Forget for a

second about the threats of hell and the promises of divine protection and all of that shit. And just now ask yourself what you have left over. What other motivation do churchgoers have for going to church? If you still haven't landed on the answer I'm looking for, let me phrase it a slightly different way. When a newly minted atheist leaves their religion, what do they usually miss about it most and longest? Obviously, I'm talking about the community. I mean, that feeling like you and your loved ones don't die is probably right up there too. But for most Christians,

or at least most modern day American Christians, that's something that's always been laid in and doubt anyway. And certainly so for the ones that eventually break out of their faith altogether generally speaking that feeling starts to fade way before you go full-blown atheist but the community that was actually real hell it's the only thing about the religion that was real other than the buildings and it's the only thing that you actually lose when you leave a religion now for those of us who never belong to a church, it's easy to overlook the importance of this.

After all, everybody has a community, right? Actually, religious people are sometimes put in the awkward position of rebuilding one from scratch in their adulthood. That's a task that no doubt ranges from difficult to impossible, but most people have had to more or less rebuild their community here and there, right? Like, any time that you move to a new place, you kind of have to make new friends and meet new people. So it's easy for a person like myself, who never really went to a church,

to think of leaving your religion as similar to just moving. But the only reason we're able to equate those two things is because we've never belonged to a religious community. That's genuinely different. I mean, obviously, it varies from community to community, but generally speaking, you're grouping yourself with like-minded people, not just people who embrace the same branch of the Jesus super fandom as you, but people who embrace the same church. Okay. That generally means people that share not just your views of

religion, but also morality and politics and all kinds of other shit too. So going to a church isn't like, you know, just going to a barbecue with a bunch of your friends. For most of us, that would mean introducing a hell of a lot more difference in opinion that you'd get your average religious congregation. And again, for somebody who's never experienced that, it might not seem like that's going to make much of a difference, but I think it does.

I found myself really reflecting on that when I got to thinking about how much I miss going to atheist conventions. For the last half dozen years, I've hit at least a couple of these a year. And even before I started this podcast, I got to them as often as I could. Those are the only places I've ever been able to fully be myself without the risk of pissing everybody off. It's the only place other than this studio where I don't feel like I have to pretend to be someone else, at least to some degree. Now, as far as atheists go, I'm actually very lucky in that regard due to the live shows that we do and the fact that conferences often invite us. I've been able to get that feeling six, eight times a year for quite a while now.

But most atheists are lucky to experience that feeling even once a year. Many of us never get to experience that feeling at all. many of us never get to experience that feeling at all. And yet when we ask religious people to experience the same thing for a few months to keep their communities alive, they fight it all the way to the fucking Supreme court and ignore the courts when things don't go their way. They defy, deny or decry every proclamation that asks them to sacrifice anything at all and the whole time

all we're asking them to do is temporarily share in the shit that we experience every fucking day look i don't want to put too fine a point on it but let's be honest i don't know if i can at this point this is literally a matter of life and death and if they're not willing to forego the intoxication of camaraderie for a few months to save lives, what else are they willing to kill us over? They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you

a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the rashest zits to my pimple, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to die repeatedly until somebody just throws the controller across the room. All right.

Joke's on you, Noah. I'll have you know I have dozens of pre-orders coming up this season. Dozens. Okay? I'm just up against the wall trying to turn into a bell

as best I can. All right. Well, I just need one more try. Three more tries max. So we're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor,

Honey. Okay, how about now? Still $8, but hey, you know what? Here you go. Nice. Hey, guys, what you doing? Eli, why are you handing Heath money? Oh, I'm trying to be more like Honey this holiday season.

Viscous and bright yellow? No. I mean, yes, but not that kind of honey. I'm talking about the honey that automatically searches for promo codes online. Yeah. They tell you when the price drops on stuff you like, and they're giving people money to help pay for it. They are?

They sure are. Just add honey to your computer, create a free account, and throw some holiday gifts on your drop list for a chance to win. Honey will randomly select winners and give them the money to help buy something on their list. I added some board games I want to my list. And I added some coffee serving stuff. There's no purchase necessary. You just need a PayPal account to redeem the prize.

Only valid in the U.S. Giveaway ends 12-21-2020. Well, I want a chance to win. How do I sign up? You can get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. Again, that's joinhoney.com slash scathing. Again, that's joinhoney.com slash scathing. Okay. How much does this board game cost?

Uh, $14.99. Aren't you going to give me money? No, you didn't win. Sorry. See, this is why people don't like you as much as honey. Oh. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight,ianity is just another word for bigotry or or more specifically it's a specific type of bigotry and i know there are

some people who aren't that kind of bigot that still call themselves christian but they're a vanishing minority at this point and they should stop yeah right themselves that so like even if you want to be overly kind in your interpretation christianity is just usually another word for bigotry and we saw evidence of that once again from bigotry's modern champion this week when the department of labor finalized new regulations that would allow federally funded workplaces to discriminate so long as jesus says it's okay. Great. Yeah. All lives matter asterisk is what they just added. Followed by like the fucking micromachines

guy speed reading a giant list of Bible verses as exceptions like the fatal event side effects of a drug commercial. God damn it. I think I could take the micromachines guy. So yeah, in an effort to live up to the enormous specter of his father's celestial hate shadow, Labor Secretary Eugene Scalia, yes, of the effort to live up to the enormous specter of his father's celestial hate shadow,

Labor Secretary Eugene Scalia, yes, of the Mordor Scalia's, promulgated sweeping new regulations that will allow federal contractors to discriminate against racial and religious minorities, women and LGBTQ people all in the name of religious liberty. Yeah, it's Mordor, New Jersey, by the way. Yeah, yeah, exactly. religious liberty. Yeah, it's Mortar, New Jersey, by the way. Yeah, exactly.

Basically, it reverses Executive Order 11-246, which has barred the federal government from redirecting taxpayer money to discriminatory employers since 1965. Oh, man. 1965. Remember? That was the best. Johnson murdered Kennedy as a Game of Thrones.

He just took over. No red tape about thalidomide, just libertarian paradise. There was woke politics about discriminating on the workplace. Good times. Yeah. Okay. It's worth noting, by the way, that the religious poison pill has been there for a while, right? It's not like Christianity just became synonymous with bigotry or anything.

So there's been an exception built into this rule all along that exempts religious groups who are receiving federal funds to do secular services. Now, that's problematic from a million angles, but basically it says, like, a Catholic church can still run a subsidized orphanage even if it refuses to hire female priests. So basically all Scalia had to do

was broaden the term religious contractor to include for-profit businesses it's it's weird to think that most people still think we're the mean ones right yeah like Christians are rolling back discrimination law to 1965 but like we told gam-gam she won't get a blowjob fountain when she dies so atheists are mean boo yeah right of course just because that's all he had to do to get this to work doesn't mean it's all he did the new regulations also expanded the categories of discrimination that are excluded under the current religious exemptions and just in case that wasn't enough they also raised the bar of proof required for the government to satisfactorily demonstrate discrimination it's impossible the bar is impossible exactly right so they expanded

the number of people who could discriminate they expanded the ways they could discriminate and they weakened whatever feeble protections were left over because all of the neighborliness and love and jesus and shit yeah be clear, the new rules literally say that discrimination is legal if the bigotry is a religious tenet according to the employer doing the discrimination. Yeah.

That's the new rule. The only way to prove discrimination would be asking the bigot like, so do you think you're a bigot or just a religious bigot? And then being like, bigot, yes, no, fuck, yeah.

Right. Okay, well, I hope that Christians are respectful of heathenizing their religion, face punchism. Yes, it is a very real church based on punching bigots who work for the government in the face. Fair is fair. We want to respect.

We talked about not just face punchism. I think you should expand it out, Eli. Punchism is like the larger religion. Okay, so look, I know a lot of you are trying to comfort yourself with the fact that Biden's labor secretary is just going to reverse these regulations when they come in.

So let me shit all over that security blanket before we wrap this up. Oh, sure. But when I say that see the whole point here is that they're now putting the democrats in a position where one of their first moves as they come in is to remove some religious liberty right like and even if they have the resolve to do it which is far from guaranteed given the gelatinous spines that the democrats are known for it'll take at least a few months and possibly a few

years for them to do it. There's all these rules about what you have to do in order to change these regulations. It also gives great ammunitions to Republicans of the future who are running on the white fear ticket. So this is kind of a win-win for them. They're just breaking all the toys before

they have to fucking leave. That's what's happening here. Yeah, exactly. And we're the toys. We are to fucking leave. That's what's happening here. Yeah, exactly. And we're the toys. We are the toys. Well, not us. Not us, but minorities. And in I'm sorry, Miss Jackson news, scathing atheist favorite and guy who would have told you his name was Toby before you asked. Thank you very much.

Wow. E.W. Jackson has COVID, which is weird because earlier this year he very very clearly explained to us that he couldn't get covid because of his jesus magic he couldn't get covid with sheets he only had blankets totally different so back in march jackson took to his show the awakening where he declared that quote I will not get coronavirus Who do you think you are? How can you say that?

Because I asked God to protect me from it I confessed Psalm 91 over my life And over the life of my congregation And over the life of our families And we're not getting it End quote Okay, well that didn't work out This is kind of scary for christian people right

because psalm 91 also says you can step on lions and cobras and you're fine and like they better run a few tests make sure that magic's still working it also says they can't stub their toe on a rock it really says it there i will donate big to that YouTube channel of them testing stuff. Donate? Hell, I'll invest. I'll be the rock. Anyways, EW has been missing from his show. And a couple of Sundays ago, we found out why. As he put it in the video he released. This is how he says it in order.

He had another speaking engagement. And COVID. But he's fine now. Sorry, you mumbled something. You said... He had another speaking engagement. Mm-hmm. And COVID. But he's fine now. Nope. Yeah. Sorry, you mumbled something. You said, Yeah, speech engagement. So,

COVID, buddy. You're probably wondering, what's the deal with Psalm 91 and the magic shield? Well, I have a theory. And if you're wondering if it's that God caught it last month

when E.W. Jackson signed into the wrong Twitter account and started liking a bunch of gay OnlyFans tweets? No. That happened, though. It's not that, but that happened. It's all the other tweets that pissed off God and gave him COVID.

God is a huge, huge fan of queer OnlyFans out there. Big support. Who's not? And in papal bully pulpit news, according to the Pope, Amy Coney Barrett really needs to calm the fuck down with all the Catholicism. It's not a good sign. Yeah.

Fucking bear walks by her in the woods right here on the trail. Lady Jesus Christ. So following the supreme court ruling that said anti-plague safety orders by new york state were unconstitutional frankie valley of the shadow of death published an excerpt from his recent book as an op-ed in the new york times and explained what the fuck are you idiots doing if you're all dead how are we going to put money in the cemetery fund right What are you doing? Yeah, we can't rape our own kids.

We're celibate. Yeah. That means the Pope read our newspapers and was like, well, that's fucking stupid. Hand me my magic hat and my feather quill. I'm going to write an op-ed. I'm the Pope. So here's what the Pope had to say. Quote, it's all too easy for some to take an idea, in this case, personal freedom, and turn it into an ideology, creating a prism through which they judge everything.

To come out of this crisis better, we have to recover the knowledge that as a people, we have a shared destination. shared destination. Now, to be clear, he means heaven because he's an idiot, but let's assume he means the shared destination of, you know, not dying from the plague. That would make sense. That would be a good sentiment. Continuing, the pandemic has reminded us that no one is saved alone. What ties us to one another is what we commonly call solidarity solidarity is more than acts of generosity important as they are it's the call to embrace the reality that we are bound by the bonds of reciprocity end quote look it's a goodish message i guess but yeah you couldn't find a less qualified messenger without some kind of national reality show audition contest. It's surprisingly good-ish for the Pope, though.

I got to give it to him. But to be fair, I'm pretty sure William Hung hasn't covered up any child rape, and he's adorable. He is. Huh? Let's give that guy an offense. He can't sing, but he thought he could, and we put him on TV. He's not a good musician.

So again, the, I miss him. The 83-year-old wizard dressed like a rabbi bullfighter didn't actually get this right. He's not right. He was good-ish. He kind of fell ass backwards into having words that make sense

if they were said by a reasonable person. He actually wrote a solid takedown of Ayn Rand, again by accident, and a takedown of the absurd idea that your reason for spreading a pandemic and invoking the freedom to spread a pandemic, the reason has any relevance to anything. No, of course it doesn't. That's absurd. Individual freedoms don't exist in a vacuum when there's a zero-sum game.

Your freedom to eat pie takes away other people's freedom to eat that same piece of pie, obviously. And in this case, the pie represents physical space on a planet that isn't infested with disease. And religion isn't just demanding the freedom to eat pie. They're demanding the freedom to lick the whole fucking thing while they're having their peace. And the freedom to refuse pie to same-sex couples. Literally, they're so bad at metaphors. They're in and out of the metaphor.

They're being bigots on both sides of it. Fuck. And what's so absurd about this is that none of this passes the like not in fancy courts test, right? Like if someone walked over to your table at the old country buffet and didn't want you and your gay partner to be able to eat there you knock their teeth out or if they want to go to your house

and cough on your baby you beat them to death with a stick or a rock or something but because five lifetime appointees to the courtiest of courts say it we just sort of stare at our shoes and mumble about how we sure hope joe b the court. I'm going to get it back when we, when all those Georgians vote for a black guy, we'll see. You'll see. I'm invoking my punchism faith to be clear. Riffra.

Don't do that. I want to, I want to so bad. So if you keep in score at home, four out of six Catholics on the court voted directly against the God of the universe. So that was interesting. But now that God's earthly conduit sent out that memo, we should be hearing a reversal from Thomas, Alito, Kavanaugh and Barrett really soon because they heard what God said.

And if they don't, I'm sure we'll be hearing a big backlash from all the Catholic people who, for example, praised the confirmation of Amy Coney Barrett because of her devout Catholic faith. Yeah, sure. Oh, that'd be super, super hypocritical. If we didn't hear those reversals or that backlash.

So silly. Well, I mean, I, I'm just going to check my Google alert. Cause they probably said, Nope. Okay.

Still nothing. Any minute though. I'll do a story while we wait. I'll do a story. But by then, I'm sure. And in Dances with Dunces news tonight, the majority of the Supreme Court, speaking of which, is now too dumbed out with the

average high school social studies teacher in West Virginia. And I don't mean that as a knock on the intellect of high school social studies teachers, okay? I mean it as a knock on the intellect of West Virginians. On West Virginia, okay. That's definitely the butt of high school social studies teachers okay i mean it as a knock on the intellect of west virginia that's definitely the butt of the joke yeah the supreme court is supposed to be the best goddamn minds we have to offer especially when it comes to pedantic loophole shit their thing right like we call it the judiciary and litigation and shit because we

you know when you want a chance to charge that much fucking money for it you have to have some kind of fancy words and stuff. But what we're actually talking about is pedantic loophole shit. And thanks to Amy Coney Barrett tipping the balance of the court towards terminal stupidity, they could be out loopholed by somebody too dumb to find the road that leads out

of West Virginia. Guys, the country roads don't only take you home. This is a song lyric lyric also not how roads work no same road just going the other way you can go you're idiots all right so sorry i didn't even get around to mentioning what this fucking story was about yet so apparently some teacher at bridgeport high school in absolutely nowhere west virginia decided that the students should have a homecoming dance, even if public safety measures and common sense said otherwise. Fuck you, face.

Yeah. Well, right. So she made this happen. Now, keep in mind, the school can't stop her because it has no control over a teacher setting up some private event on her off time. Right. And they couldn't stop the students from attending because they have no control of what the students do in their off time either.

So even though they said, hey, let's not's not do this everybody they couldn't really stop it but the county could still stop them from trying to hold an event with 200 fucking people in blatant violation of their social distancing regulations unless of course the organizer called it a religious vow renewal event god damn it in which case thanks to the Supreme Court, all the laws and the regulation and the health and the safety of all the other people in town can go fuck themselves.

No, just, I just realized this correction from before. That is how roads work anywhere near Bridgeport High School. You have to stay where you are. There's no way out. Like, don't even bother trying. They would all take you back.

The roads just, they just circle back to you. It's like asteroids. I'm just saying, none of this would have happened if Heath and I sincerely held homecoming face punchism event was scheduled next door on the same night.

Get on board, everyone. We could have statues. Pour milk on ourselves. I don't know. Satanism seems to get done with that. Alright, so so yeah despite the mortality of everyone involved this dance happened at least five dozen people crammed into one room you know and danced the venue owner said everybody wore a mask but a bullshit and b who fucking cares it was a high school dance i can't confirm anything about mask use. We first learned about the event when parents posted pictures online,

but they've since taken them down because, you know, kids and whatnot. But many people who saw the pics before they were taken down answered the claim that everybody wore masks with a big old, no, the fuck they didn't. But again, high school dance. Mask or no mask. Those kids had their fingers in each other and shit. Raincoat don't much matter if you're in the pool.

Okay. I feel like me and Eli would have been fine. School dances were really my chance to bond with the chaperones. My parents. My parents were chaperones at literally every school dance i ever went to

just me and eli in the corner rolling dice something and by the way six feet apart free pizza just in case this story wasn't already depressing enough for you i should point out that according to the local news station that first broke the news of this event at least one person at the event tested positive for COVID-19. Jesus Christ. Cool. Well, hey, at least they renewed that religious vow. That's going to come in handy when they fucking die. Yeah, let's hope they did that.

Perfect. While they were there. Fresh. And in strange sick bedfellows news. Say what you will about 2020, but it's made for some strange bedfellows. Dolly Parton and the COVID vaccine. Joe Biden's dog and the Proud Boys. And this week, true news host slash notorious anti-Semite Rick Wiles and a literal cabal of underground Jews spreading a plague.

Well, above ground. I had a whole thing about offering religion some underground spots and andrew got all squeaked up and was like yeah you can't say that that's mean well also but as he pointed out they don't need our help clearly yes regular listeners to the show will remember we covered the story a few weeks ago of the orthodox jewish wedding with thousands of unmasked attendees that kept Heath's dad out of the hospital. Well, I think you heard that story. Noah had to edit a lot of it out. So. Well, like my generous sewer system reservation thing for religious people.

I only cut out that and the medieval morality play. You cut them... What? So we made those prosthetics for nothing. Great. Yep. Right? A lot of effort. Red wig. Well,

that super duper spreader event merited the pathetic fine of $15,000. At least it did as of this recording. By the time you hear this, maybe the Supreme Court has declared that New York State

has to pay those assholes $15,000. Yeah, right. But don't worry. As I said before, Rick Wiles is going to pay those assholes 15 grand. I don't fucking know. Don't worry. As I said before, Rick Wiles is going to pay their fine. Rick Wiles is going to pay their fine.

No, this makes perfect sense. Look, anybody who is willing to poison a Jew is a friend of Rick's. That's accurate. Okay, so Hammett met over at the Friendly Atheist blog, did a pretty good job of rounding up all the crazy shit Rick has said about Jews over the years. For instance, he has said that the Antichrist will be Jewish, that Jews control Donald Trump, that the impeachment was a, quote, Jew coup.

And yet, a couple weeks ago on his live stream, he promised on air to send a $15,000 check to the temple that day. Rick, dude, you're falling for the flue data. That's the oldest trick in the book. I'm just saying, at least stick to your morals. Now you're a bigot and a flip-flopper, man. No respect for you. Yeah, I feel mixed about this story. Because, you know, Rick Wiles, less money, good.

Giving it to these Jews, bad. Rick Wiles promoting COVID denialism, Also bad. These Jews. Bad. Heath, bring me my red wig. We're doing the play again. I'll get the noses, Scott. Thank you. Don't get the nose. Alright, well, I have some prosthetics to shred, so we're going to pause for a quick word from our second sponsor this week. Us.

Uh, Santa? Well, hello, Twinkle Toes. What is it? It's about the atheists that are on your nice list. Oh, yes? What about them? Well, me and the other elves can't figure out what to give them. What do you mean? Don't atheists like wooden trains and brightly colored blocks? No. Nobody likes those.

Is this an Adam and Eve ad? Because gross, twinkle toes, gross. No, no. Good assumption, but no. I was thinking maybe we could give them Outbreak, a crisis of faith,

how religion ruined our global pandemic, now available on Amazon, Kindle, and maybe even Audible by the time you hear this. Ooh, long title. But do you think

all the good little atheists out there will like it? They sure will. It's good for the secular activists in your life or even just the person who needs to know how hard religion fucked us harder than mrs claus after she read the ethical slut you said it santa once more that's outbreak a crisis of faith how religion ruined our global pandemic on amazon the kindle store and maybe even

audible by the time you hear this. I mean, she was like an animal. No, I remember, Santa. We all left the poll for like a week. Wish she had. You know what I mean? Okay. Cut. And in Don the Conversion

Therapist news, you voted for Joe Biden, and for that, we here at the Scathing Atheist are very, very grateful. However, we are going to be feeling the presence of the Trump presidency for decades to come. And we felt it hard and without lube a couple weeks ago when the largely Trump-appointed 11th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that bans on conversion therapy are unconstitutional. Yep. Oh, now we're making it legal to have fake medicine that we know for a fact doesn't even work. Okay, sorry.

Yeah, never mind. I heard it. I heard myself saying that's lots of... But you have to balance out the demonization of vaccines that actually do work with something, right? Yeah, there you go. So here's the story. Two therapists, Robert Otto and Julie Hamilton, conversion therapists who I hope get covered by being present with their loved ones, die from it. from it, filed lawsuits against the county of Palm Beach and the city of Boca Raton,

which banned conversion therapy in 2017 because conversion therapy is torturing children with electroshocks until they pretend to be straight. Well, more likely because it doesn't work. If it worked, I feel like Florida's on board. Yeah, actually. Right. Yeah. So, Otto and Hamilton claim that they practice sexual orientation change efforts, which consists only of talk therapy. So, you know, totally different. And again, thanks to Donald Trump's appointees, they fucking won. Wow. Great. It's even dumber and more bigoted than my joke just now. Not working isn't the issue and bigotry obviously isn't the issue. It's about the method of useless bigotry at the crux of the argument they're making. You have to do the useless dehumanizing bigot even nicely. So as Andrew explained last week, it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again is protected speech, apparently. Yep.

So here's the fucking dumbass majority ruling by the court. This is the words of the ruling. Quote, two therapists argue that the ordinances infringe on their constitutional right to speak freely with clients. argue that the ordinances infringe on their constitutional right to speak freely with clients. We understand and appreciate that the therapy is highly controversial, but the First Amendment has no carve out for controversial speech. We hold that the challenged ordinances violate the First Amendment because they are content-based regulations of speech that cannot survive strict scrutiny, end quote. Okay, let's just make it black for a second according to federal judges free speech includes a doctor telling a patient they can cure

blackness too sure they could cure covid with bleach that's free protected speech also they're just talking so it's just doctors talking they can say whatever they want really yeah when you put the harm of conversion therapy against the harm of the shit that andrew makes me edit out of this show it's disgusting right they'd know eli was kidding andrew besides cutting mitch mcconnell into that many pieces would take too long to be practical anyway so they wouldn't do it anything worth doing noah anything worth doing and in it's okay k to be christian news tonight southern baptist leaders have issued a statement declaring that critical race theory is incompatible with their faith yep they apologize for their past support of the theoretical framework explaining quote we honestly thought it just meant criticizing other races until danny showed us on the wikipedia end quote we were told there was

work being done on why different races smelled different that was a lie we were lied to so for whatever it's worth this may be the first time southern bapt Baptist leaders were ever right about a thing because critical race theory is absolutely incompatible with their faith. Sure the fuck is. Yep. The whole goddamn reason that there's a thing called Southern Baptist is because Northern Baptist refused to go along with all the white supremacy that served as the central tenet of their theology. So any theory that faults white supremacy for anything is definitely incompatible with southern baptist faith yeah and just to be clear critical race theory basically just says there is racism you know like just for context go ahead continue your conversation just for

context there is racism just so you know and the sbBC released an official statement just now that said, is not, is not racism as context for anything. They represent 15 million Americans. Yeah. The Southern Baptist Convention. And among them is your super duper woke Black Lives Matter flag having church friends who can't be bothered to Google where their tithe goes because their lady preacher

doles out their weekly serving of shit jesus probably meant right right now it's almost we're going to swing back to that lady in a minute here so it's almost impossible to comprehend the level of recto cranial self-pity involved in this statement but when you strip away the verbosity and render it in plain english what it says is that the real victims of racism are white conservative Christians who have to deal with constantly being accused of racism every time

they point out that the young lady at McDonald's doesn't have very good diction. We're all speaking the same language. So yeah, without any real explanation at all, they just say that CRT is incompatible with their faith and forbid anyone affiliated with the SBC from teaching otherwise. Okay, it's just, I feel like it's weird to make

such an incomplete list of academic fields like that that conflict with your ideology. Yeah, right. Critical race theory, biology, physics, history, math. Archaeology, anthropology. Hell, if dodgeball isn't played with real rocks, Jim is against their faith. And just as a quick aside,

the president of the Southern Baptist Convention, J.D. Greer, got a lot of play as like the young, fresh-faced reformer that was going to drag the SBCs kicking and screaming into the 21st century. He even got a bunch of play as like the young, fresh-faced reformer that was going to drag the SBCs kicking and screaming into the 21st century. He even got a bunch of positive press over the summer when he affirmed that Black Lives Matter and publicly rejected the All Lives Matter slogan. Well, congratulations to him. You did such an amazing, amazing job with that.

Great. Well, but that's the thing. You want a cookie? Their lives mattering seems to be where he draws the line because he also says that he agrees with this declaration. Take him back the thing. You want a cookie? Their lives mattering seems to be where he draws the line. Because he also says that he agrees with this declaration. Taking back the cookie. I'm not sure how many times you need Lucy to pull the fucking football away. But next time the media tells you about how bigoted some religious leader isn't,

keep this one in mind. And finally tonight. in mind and finally tonight the state of idaho had about 42 000 new cases of covid over the last month and about 400 people died during that time but lieutenant governor janice mcgeachin isn't afraid of losing lives she's afraid of losing guns and Jesus. Apparently, guns and Jesus are also at risk in Idaho and a much bigger priority. And that's why she made a video from inside her Matt Green tactical van that she has draped in the American flag, holding up a Bible and a handgun. But now that Bibles and guns are definitely staying legal, thanks to that video,

she's focused on the pandemic finally. And her new plan for the pandemic is to use federal aid to buy walk-through disinfectant cubes to sanitize the COVID out of people, off of people, sanitize the COVID away of people, off of people. Sanitize the COVID away as people walk into buildings. Yeah, you know, the only consolation for Idaho's lax laws regarding faith healing is that their understanding of medicine is this backwards to begin.

So when asked about the disinfectant cube idea, the majority of scientists said, quote, get the fuck away from me, you idiot. Stand away from me right now. Also, according to the New England Journal of thinking about it with your face for two fucking seconds, you shouldn't have a whole bunch of people who are potentially sick walk through the same enclosed cube of air before they go into a building. But what about communal tubs of Lysol? Also no. In fact, just don't ask questions during my story about you, Lieutenant Governor. I know it seems like viruses are pretty much the same as the floor mats after a bar shift at tgi fridays but it's not a perfect parallel like you might think just some uh some extra detail on that according to a study mentioned by the national institute of health quote fumigation is meant for

inanimate objects and surfaces and it should never be used on people. Really? Don't fumigate people. Wait, okay. What if we ask them to sneeze on the flypaper though? Guys, guys, they're going to gas chamber themselves, aren't they? Right? What do we do when the Supreme Court rules that they have a right to gas chamber themselves? What? I didn't hear your last question. We sit back and we write some stories.

This is static. So how much is it going to cost to try out the human fumigation booth idea? About $16.8 million. million dollars in order to buy 420 extreme opti clean cubes for 40 000 a piece she figures you know most of the 1.8 million people in idaho can find their way to one of those 420 checkpoints before they go into any public building i love in her mind that people who won't wear a mask will step into an airtight cube and be hosed down with Drano before they pay their fucking water bill. I love that in her mind, there's still going to be 420 Idahoans left at the rate they're going. Yeah, that too. Yeah.

So obviously the entire idea is just tragically stupid. But I think I'm most offended by the title of that product. First of all, extreme is spelled with an X as the first letter. Absolutely not. I'm not buying a medical device that describes itself like nacho cheese powder. Absolutely not. But McGeechan clearly got all excited because it sounded sciencey with opti and extreme and she also clearly got excited by the word cube which also bothers me even though there's no fucking

reason for a cube shape for this you're just walking through in the shape of a human being why would it need to be a cube? Speak for yourself, Heath. I'm getting that quarantine weight. By the end of this thing, I may be a perfect sphere. All right. Okay.

Then make it a tube. Have it be like Eli, a marble from Eli people. That would be pretty good. Just roll them right through. All right. Well, I have to go find one of the cookies that we give to Eli

when he knows the math joke. So we're going to end the headlines right there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Nutter putter. Jumanji. And when we come back, there will be sound effects

and silly voices. Hey, is this the line to get into heaven? Yep. And before you ask, yes, I'm pretty sure they're going to ask about whether or not

you took pictures of people's feet while they were asleep Not what I was going to ask at all Oh, yeah, me neither, I don't know why Okay, so how did you die? Me? Oh, car crash Cool, cool How about you?

Yeah, so you know how you needed to avoid crowds in 2020? You remember that? Yeah. That was like pretty much the only thing you had to do that year. Right. Yeah. Well, more people were shipping stuff than ever and the post office got super crowded. So there you go. Oh yeah. Why didn't you just use stamps.com? Oh, what's stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Simply use your computer to print official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. Once your mail is ready, you just schedule a pickup or drop it off. It's that simple. Wow. That does sound really convenient, but it's got to be super expensive, right? Not at all. With Stamps.com, you get five cents off every first class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail and up to 62% off UPS shipping rates. Wait, stamps.com does UPS too?

Sure does. Don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Sign up to stamps.com instead. There's no risk. With our promo code SCATING, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale, no long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in scathing. That's stamps.com.

Enter scathing stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. The most potent defense that christianity has and some would say the only thing still insulating it from near universal public condemnation is how impossibly boring the bible is it's hard to criticize a book that's too boring to read so in our continuing effort to break down these defenses with a liberal application of poop jokes we present yet another installment of bible peace theater okay so my character level and my warlock level are different things somehow yes they are makes no sense so which one gets a bonus action okay Okay, none of them get a bonus action. I want a bonus action.

You see what I'm dealing with here, Don? Yes, yes, yes, I do. Hey, guys. You guys ready for Bible Peace Theater? Right, yes. Where were we? Okay, so the Jews decided that they want Samuel to give him a king because they hate his sons who are in charge.

Samuel tries to warn them off of that, but they insist. So God tells Samuel that Saul, who is defined by his tallness, I remember that. Yes, who is defined by his tallness. God tells Samuel that Saul is going to be the king. And I'm playing both of those characters for some reason? You said you wanted a bonus action. I have a plan. Okay.

I mean, if you guys won, I could... Don, I said I have a plan! mean if you guys won I could Don I said I have a plan Right okay so Saul goes off In search of his uncle's asses And finally meets Samuel Hey Saul Why don't you come inside And I can tell you about the word of God

Okay Sounds good to me And Samuel took a vial of oil And poured it upon and tell you about the word of God. Okay, sounds good to me. And Samuel took a vial of oil and poured it upon Saul's head and kissed him. I said, and Samuel took a vial of oil and poured it upon Saul's head and kissed him. Oh, yeah, okay. Blah, blah, blah.

Mwah, there you go. There you go, okay. Glug, glug, glug. Mwah. There you go. There you go, me. Enjoy. And he said the spirit of the Lord will come upon thee. Absolutely not. Bran Muffin. Bran Muffin, no.

Seriously? Bran Muffin. I know what you were going to do there. I know what you're doing. Okay, but he turns you into another guy, and that other guy's going to be played by Don. Not the point. Bran Muffin. I call Bran Muffin, I know what you were going to do there. I know what you're doing. Okay, but he turns you into another guy, and that other guy's going to be played by Don. Not the point. Branmuffin. I call Branmuffin.

Ah, fine, fine. So yeah, the spirit of the Lord comes upon Saul. I guess we're going to miss that part. And he turns into a new guy who's a prophet. There, you happy? No. I'm sorry, Branmuffin? Oh, it's our safe word when Eli writes a sketch

that Heath doesn't like. Oh, okay. Got it. Does Andrew know about bran muffin? Have you ever heard him say words besides bran muffin? Yes. There's your answer. Anyway, so Saul is all different and profity now.

Ah, yes. Now that the spirit of the Lord has come upon me, I am a new man and I am filled with prophecy. Let me go to my uncle and tell him that I have found his asses. Uncle, uncle, I am back from my wanderings. Oh, good, man. Seriously? What? Don played the uncle. You said you didn't want to be Saul anymore. Exactly.

Okay, but we obviously should have had Saul be someone who isn't Don then. Oh, my God. Really? Yeah, I guess so. If you read ahead, that would have been obvious. You really should start reading ahead. You really should start reading ahead. No.

All right. Well, the point is that Saul tells his uncle that Samuel told him where to find the asses, but he doesn't tell him he's a prophet or chosen by God because he's still not sure if he wants to do it. We good? Yeah. I'm just saying you have to read it anyway. I said, no.

Why not just read? Jews, Jews, gather round. I have selected a king for you. All right. Jews, Jews, gather round. I have selected a king for you. Hooray! All right. I have chosen him by lot. So, first up... Sorry, sorry.

Yes? Did you say by lot, as in randomly? Yes, yes. Now, we're going to go tribe first. Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry. Yes? We didn't ask you to choose us a king randomly. We could have done that.

We asked you to appoint us a king using your talk-to-God powers. Oh, right. Well, don't worry. God totally knows who I'm going to choose. So, it's good. Do you know? Yes, yes. I actually met this person

the other day. Gave him a kiss. Covered him in oil. It was a whole thing, I know. Um, okay, pin in that, the oil stuff. So instead of doing the whole drawing lots thing, could you just tell us if you know and God knows?

No, no. God says it must be drawn the whole drawing lots thing, could you just tell us if you know and God knows? No. No. God says it must be drawn by lot. It feels like maybe you just bought one of those spinny ping pong barrel things and now you're looking for an excuse to use it. What? Yeah. No. No. It does.

It does. Because what's that that you have under the sheet up there on the stage? Nothing, nothing. It's fuck stuff. Oh. Nothing. Saul's going to be king. He totally has a spinny ping pong barrel under there.

Oh, he totally does. Oh, absolutely. It's fuck stuff. Um, excuse us. God, God. Oh, shit. It's the Jews. Um, hey. Uh, God, God Oh, shit, it's the Jews Um, hey, hey Jews What, what's up? Uh, well, Samuel told us that, uh

Saul is our new king Okay, I'll have you know we have several lawsuits pending About whether or not Uh, no, you chose this one Oh, right Yeah, sorry, that's a different... Anyways, congrats on your king. Okay, pin in the choosing thing.

Where is he? Who? That king that you picked for us. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Saul is hiding among the stuff. I'm sorry, hiding among the stuff? Yep, yep, yep, yep. Just look around the stuff and boom, you're going to find yourself a Saul.

You do know we're writing the Bible right. You really want us to write, and I quote, he was hiding among the stuff in the Bible. I mean, that's where he is. All right, we'll look among the stuff in the Bible. I mean, that's where he is. All right, we'll look among the stuff. And lo, the Jews did look for Saul and found him among the stuff. And when he stood up from the stuff, he was tall, head and shoulders above the rest. Hello.

So tall. Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure. But now he was more than tall. He had many other qualities now that he could be described by except for the tallness, like good lookingness, wisdom, and in God's grace. So handsome. So wise. Oh, shucks.

Thanks, everybody. And the Jews did celebrate and revere him, and Saul set the new rules for the kingdom before the Jews and then sent the people away so that he could bask in the new person he was who had many, many defining and positive characteristics. I fucking hate you guys. I'm going to my room. Um, is he okay? Yeah, he's got candy in his room. Is he okay? Yeah, he's got candy in his room.

Oh, okay. Yeah, a lot. Okay, so what happens next? Right. So, meanwhile, the village of Jabesh Gilead is under siege by Nahash the Ammonite. Wait. I thought all the dudes in Jabesh Gilead died. Didn't they die?

That's the part you were paying attention to? No, I guess they got more dudes somewhere between then and this chapter. Anyway, so the Ammonites have the Jews up against the wall, so they meet for peace talks. All right, Nahash the Ammonite. Tell you what. Don't kill us, and we'll make a covenant with you. Wait, what does that mean?

It means we'll be his slaves. Holy fuck, dude. Did you just open with we'll be your slaves? Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to do this negotiation? Well, now I do. I can't do worse than we'll be your slaves. Oh, fine.

By all means. All yours. All yours. I have considered your offer and I accept. See? Told you. Okay, so, but before... On the condition that I may poke out the right eye of all of your men.

Wait, you'll let us be your slaves if you can poke out our right eyes? Yes. Oh. Can we have seven days to think about it? Yes. Hey, great job up there. Now we're slaves and he's going to poke our eyes out. That's really great.

He called me by surprise. Who the fuck counters? We'll be your slaves with a condition. That's okay. You can't do worse than we'll be your slaves. Okay, okay, okay. So, how long does he usually stay in there? Oh, 15 minutes, an hour.

It depends on if we can coax him out somehow. Okay. Wait, I have a question about the last thing in the Bible. Why did the Ammonites want to poke out everyone's right eyes? So, actually, many biblical scholars posit that it's based on Bronze Age battle tactics. People held their shields in their left hand over their face, so if you poked out people's right eye, they couldn't fight you using the military tactics of the time.

That's why. The right-eyes thing. That's a really fun fact. Thank you. Thank you, Don. Anyway, so the men of Jebesh Gilead reach out to Saul, and Saul sends a message to all the Jews.

Honey, I'm home. Hello, dear. How was work? You know, Bronze Age. Sure, sure. So, you got a message from Saul while you were gone? Let me see that.

Dear Jews, hello. It's me, Saul. How are you today? The men of Jebesh Gilead are under attack, and when I heard that they negotiated without me, I got so mad I ripped a whole yoke of oxen apart. Gross. Right?

Enclosed is a piece of those oxen. This is what will happen to your oxen if you don't show up to fight the Ammonites with me next week. Love you, Saul. Yikes. Uh, you gonna go? I mean, I gotta,

right? I don't want this dude to tear my oxen apart. Yeah, yeah. Seems like a good plan. Great, great idea. Jews, we are victorious. Hooray! Oh, yay, Samuel, Saul is the best. Let's kill everyone who didn't want him to be the king. Let's kill everyone who didn't want him to be the king.

Oh, no. No, you guys. No. No need to kill everyone who didn't want him to be king. But that is very sweet of you. Are you sure? Because we have swords. Yeah.

Yeah. No, totally sure. Totally sure. But now that I'm old and gray and this is the Bible, I'd like to make a long and very boring speech before I die. God damn it. Actually, we don't have swords. We have spears. First off, have I ever done anything bad to you? Um, you mean all of us?

Like, like as a people? Yes, yes. Oh, no. Nice, exactly. You heard that, God? I've never done anything bad to them. Well, this is, this is a weird moment. Item number two, I will now tell you all the things God has done for you. When Jacob was come to Egypt... Hey, question. Yeah, what's up? So, right now, because it's the Bronze Age, we wipe with our hands, right?

I would think so, yeah. Okay, what do we do with our hands after we wipe? Dude, this is a gross conversation. Now, hear me out, hear me out. If we have water nearby to wash our hands, why don't we just wash our butts in the water instead? It seems like there's an unnecessary middleman there with the wiping with the hand.

If you want to protect that boy, it's easier to wash your hand than to wash your asshole. Is it? Are you guys talking about whether it's easier to wash your hand or your asshole? Yes. Oh, it's definitely your hand. Really? Oh, trust me.

Trust me a hundred times. That's a weird thing to know so well. Oh, lots of experience. And Samuel delivered you out of the hand of your enemies on every side, and ye dwelled safe. Mmm. Very wise. And now I will make a lightning and thunderstorm,

because I'm mad at you guys for asking for a king. Wait, what? Are you going to kill us now? Do not be afraid. God loves you and will care for you. I promise he will never, ever kill you. Okay, then why did you make it thunder and lightning? Because if you disobey God, he will, in fact, definitely kill you.

Okay, there it is. All right, well, since God threatening to kill everybody is kind of like the fat lady singing of this segment, I guess we're going to close it off there. But we'll be back next month with even more Bible Peace Theater. Before we close the door behind us tonight, I wanted to let you know that if you need more me in your life you got a couple of chances to get it i'm going to be guesting on a fundraiser for the foundation beyond belief on saturday the 12th at 9 p.m eastern i also just did a guest spot on the does that still work podcast where we do a deep dive on crash the worst movie to ever win best picture also i was on the latest episode of Thank God I'm Atheist to talk about the new book.

You'll find links to all of that stuff on the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,020 with two minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even new episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, this show would be a show lit if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for his smarts, Eli Bosnick for his arts, Lucinda Lusions for her heart, and Don Ford for... I'm sorry, dude. It's either your fart or your shart. It'd be weird to thank you for your charts. Anyway, I also need to thank Taru for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, but most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's merriest mammals. Melissa Rebecca Molocalypse, the dumber sister of your sunshine vapor, Lyra, Drunken Public, Susan, Stefan, Jonathan, Dylan, and Jason. Melissa Rebecca Melocalypse The Dumber Sister of Your Sunshine Vapor Lyra Drunk in Public Susan Stefan

Jonathan Dylan and Jason Melissa Rebecca Melocalypse and Sister of Your Sunshine Vapor who are so bright

they're exempted from headlight requirements Lyra Drunk in Public Susan and Stefan who are so sexy they have a dedicated MPAA classification

and Jonathan Dylan and Jason whose erections are harder than Battletoads but still easy to beat together these 11 people Melocalypses

and Detroit psych bands that Noah should listen to assisted our endless quest to fight a god with our tongues this week by giving us money. A lot of people aren't that into money, but we fucking love it. So if you've got some of that stuff you want to get rid of, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeist, whereby you'll earn early access

to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeIDS.com. And if you'd like to help, but not with money, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you can find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAdeus.com Alright, I don't know why I'm having so much trouble with this. Which has barred the federal government. You know what? It's because I talked shit about the micromachines guy, and now it's in my hat. He's in my hat. He's sitting there in the back of your mind. Oh, it's so easy. So easy.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.