The Scathing Atheist - 409: Formulaic Edition

Episode Date: December 17, 2020

In this week’s episode, we'll introduce you to a Christmas song you didn't know you hate yet, "Consensual Cannibalism" is trending on Twitter and we’ll have trouble getting over that, and Kirk Cameron will once again chicken out of my annual candy cane knife fight challenge. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Christians Walk in Circles Seven Times to Overturn the Election Results: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/09/christians-plan-to-walk-in-circles-seven-times-to-overturn-the-election-results/ https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/dec/13/trump-supporters-rally-against-election-outcome-as-proud-boys-and-antifa-face-off MN town approved a whites only church for exactly the reasons we’ve been talking about: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/10/a-small-minnesota-town-voted-to-approve-the-permit-for-a-whites-only-church/ Pastor Says He Faces Criminal Charges for Sending Bible Balloons to North Korea: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/10/pastor-says-he-faces-criminal-charges-for-sending-bible-balloons-to-north-korea/ Pastor Greg Locke is an idiot on CNN: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/10/hate-preacher-i-dont-know-what-a-pandemic-is-but-covid-19-is-not-a-pandemic/ Trump administration offers another parting shot at the rights of the non-religious: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/15/trump-will-get-rid-of-religious-freedom-protections-at-ten-federal-agencies/ Racist Christian Sucker-Puncher Eric Metaxas Made an Insane Music Video: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/12/racist-christian-sucker-puncher-eric-metaxas-made-an-insane-music-video/ EW Jackson says that planes don't crash if there’s a Christian on them praying: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/11/pastor-planes-dont-crash-if-theres-a-christian-on-that-airplane-praying/ Michelle Bachman’s vote was stolen by Satan: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/10/michele-bachmann-my-vote-was-stolen-by-satan/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Jesse Lee Peterson bemoans all the lady elected officials weakening the GOP: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/11/jesse-lee-peterson-electing-republican-women-has-weakened-the-party/ Lori Alexander: “So called Christian feminists are actually unbelievers” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/04/christian-mommy-blogger-so-called-christian-feminists-are-simply-unbelievers/

Warning, we got y'all profanity for Christmas. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey, Keeps, and by Ballistic Mistletoe, the brand new holiday tradition of throwing mistletoe the fuck away. Ballistic Mistletoe, because the entire custom is weird and rapey. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is John Carter. I don't host a podcast. I don't have a book to sell. And now, The Scathing Atheist. To be smart, to not be stupid. It's Thursday. It's December 17th.

And it's National Maple Syrup Day. Finally. Let's just cut out the middleman and do some shots, right? No illusions. Shots, shots, shots, shots. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. I was just doing a shot.

And from Artie Lang's New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State, and Redtown Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll introduce you to a Christmas song you didn't know you hate yet. Consensual cannibalism is actually trending on Twitter, whatever the fuck that means. And Kurt Cameron will once again chicken out on my annual candy cane night fight challenge. But first, the diatribe. Coward.

You know how sometimes you have a conversation that starts with you trying to make a charitable donation and ends with you threatening to ejaculate all over somebody's holy book? No. It's just me. See, some weeks I write the diatribes and some weeks the diatribes just write their own damn selves. And this week is more of the latter type. In fact, if I thought to record the fucking call, I probably could have called it an interview and gotten a solid 20 minutes of material out of it. So let me set the stage for you here i've actually had a pretty good year this year financially

right i mean obviously podcast donations are down given the economic circumstances and we didn't have live show revenue this year but like i didn't spend any fucking money this year i haven't taken any trips i haven't gone out to eat i haven't gone to the movies or the mall or a game i've literally left my yard seven times since march on top top of that, Lucinda and I also saved the 4,000 bucks a year that we would have otherwise spent being smokers. Now, of course, at the same time, I know that a lot of people have had really tough years financially. And when I was a kid, my mom was always involved with these charities that would provide presents for kids in need. So I started looking around my local area, trying to find something along those lines that, you know,

wasn't being run by a church. But there's no local Toys for Tots distribution in my town, and there's only one charitable operation of any kind that isn't run by a church. So I pretty much went into that search knowing it was futile. So then I set about a task that turned out to be even more Sisyphean, trying to find a church that I can trust with my fucking donation because look how hard can this be i just want to give you toys that you then wrap and hand to kids boom end of transaction right of the 13 600 churches in my town of 13 600 people i figure there has to be one that could manage that without

fucking it up and sprinkling indoctrination all over it. Right. So I made a couple of calls and it was like I was like a goddamn montage that Eli wrote is what it was. And like, I mean, in the church's defense, the question I'm asking is, hey, is there any way you could give this present to a kid without being all religious about it? And that's going to be awkward no matter how you sell it and of course i'm using the word atheist without even apologizing for my existence afterwards so that's not helping matters in all i made it through four phone calls before i realized i needed to stop before i got arrested so on two of the calls the person i was talking to gave up on me and asked me to call back when a person with better bullshit was going to be there one hung up on me but i honestly couldn't tell if she was afraid of the word

atheist or didn't know how these fancy phones without buttons worked but but the fourth guy was such a spectacular asshole that he got his own fucking diatribe so let me recreate the call for you as best i can i call and i ask you know who should i talk to about the gift drive that they're advertising on their website and like the other calls, it just so happened that the person to talk to was whoever answered the fucking phone. Right. Because when nobody actually does anything, there's no need to delegate, I guess. Anyway, so I explained my dilemma. I told him I'd rather give my donation to a secular charity, but I wasn't aware of anyone that served my local community. I told him I wanted to donate toys to kids with no toys but i didn't want my donation used to advance a religious agenda he did not understand but that's okay that's okay

i was expecting that the people who think having to sell a cake to a gay person is persecution don't excel at seeing things from other people's points of view so i came armed with an analogy i said so imagine like you know you're trying to donate food to a muslim country that has no christian charities operating you know you wouldn't want your money being used to advance their faith but you still want to be able to feed people right it's like that and i figured that was rock solid right i i figured that when the stakes are charity for low-income families he wouldn't be intentionally obtuse but i underestimated his christianity guess. So the crux of his confusion was that Christmas was inherently Christian, so there's no possible way to give toys to kids on Jesus's birthday without promoting Christianity.

So I explained that many secular Americans, as well as Jewish, Muslim, and Hindu Americans, exchange gifts on Christmas, so clearly there's some way to do that. And apparently them's fighting words where he comes from. He started doing that thing that people do when they're in an argument, but you aren't yet. You know, like where they're taking little tiny breaths so you don't have time to interject in between their shit. And I'm still trying to salvage the conversation because my goal here is to donate toys to fucking kids. So I try to back up a bit. I just offer up my basic question.

I'm like, look, man, all I want to know is, can parents get toys from your toy drive without being part of your congregation and without being proselytized to? And then I try to add something along the lines of, and if that's not the case, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. I just want to take my donation elsewhere.

But I never got that far because he started literally yelling at me that i was dangerously misguided and if i thought kids needed toys more than they needed the light of christ's salvation literally yelling at his phone about this shit and i'm i'm way out of character right at this point so i'm i'm still trying to drag this guy back to civility i'm like look man i'm gonna leave the religious upbringing to the kids parents i just want him to have more presence but this was not the right answer apparently he starts indignantly sermonizing and at that point i just hear potato potato potato so i couldn't tell you what he's fucking talking about i i know i stayed on the line way after i kept telling myself i should hang up i know at

one point he tried to change my religion. At one point, he literally told me that atheists don't do charity, forgetting apparently why the fuck I'd called him in the first place. But all of that paled in comparison to my great sin, which was to eventually use the term asshole. Right. I didn't even call him an asshole. My literal words were, look, man, I'm not trying call him an asshole my literal words were look man i'm not trying to be an asshole here but when i said asshole he had to be dragged over to his goddamn fainting couch so freshly incensed by my wanton vulgarity he launches into some victorious jeremiah about how my language confirms every bigoted thing that sprung to his mind when I said atheist

in the first place and he condescendingly offers to send me a bible to help write my ways so I tell him look man I got a bible right next to me and it's probably a lot bigger than your bible so he gives me some passage or another to read and I say you know what man I'll read that just as soon as I can some of these pages are stuck together though I jerk off on this thing a lot and that's when he hung up on me now there is a point to all of this behind me just bitching about some asshole i had to endure on the phone because i have to admit that like for a full day afterwards i kept returning to that weird vindication that he expressed about the use of the word asshole so up until then his tone seemed threatened and afterwards it was elated

and i know he had to cling to something to tell himself that he'd won the exchange or whatever So up until then, his tone seemed threatened. And afterwards, it was elated. And I know he had to cling to something to tell himself that he'd won the exchange or whatever. But it still seemed baffling, the extent to which it changed. But then I put it into full context. Up until then, I was winning at being the good guy. I was doing Christ-like better than he was, or at least how he would define Christ-like. The very fact that there was an atheist trying to do charity fucked up his whole goddamn worldview, and my repeated efforts to diffuse the situation and not fight with him were just exacerbating his unease.

I kept outdoing him in the being a good human department. The use of naughty words was the first thing I gave him that he could call a flaw under his warped definition of morality so in retrospect as good as it might have felt the line about splooging on a bible actually gave him exactly the exculpation he was after but you know what i still can't make myself feel bad about it after all it's christmas i'm in a giving mood even knowing what i know now i would happily offer to jack off on that pastor's bible again anytime they're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight are the loo and loo to my loo heath enright neil

i bosnick fellas are you ready to do our favorite stuff? When I'm doing Lulu Lu, I'm always picturing myself with an oversized lollipop. I think that's my favorite stuff. Okay. Well, you know, Heath, if you insert it slowly enough, they're just the right size lollipop. All right. Well, it sounds like we need to take a trip into Mr. Wizard's laboratory. So we're going to pause for a quick word from our first sponsor this week, Honey. Next. Well, hello there, little boy.

Hey there, Santa. So, I made a list of things I'd like, and I sure do hope you bring them to me. What do I look like, kid? Honey? Uh, you mean thick? Like, the two C's? Because, kind of. Yeah.

I mean, that's not like my personal thing. No, no, no, no, no, not that kind of thing. Honey, the one that automatically searches for promo codes online. They're helping pay for one million dollars worth of gifts this year. They are? They sure are. Just add Honey to your computer, create a free account and throw some holiday gifts on your drop list for a chance to win. Honey will randomly select winners and give them the money to buy something on their list. create a free account and throw some holiday gifts on your drop list for a chance to win. Honey will randomly select winners and give them the money to buy something on their list. No purchase necessary.

You need a PayPal account to redeem the prize. Only valid in the U.S. Giveaway ends 12-21-2020. So what did you put on your list, Santa? Why, milk and cookies, of course. Right, obviously. I put the new Amazon smart speaker on my drop list. CNN says it looks. I didn't ask you, elf guy. I didn't ask you. Nobody cares. Okay. Now that that's, that's not very nice. Thanks to honey. I don't need to be nice. Get honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing.

Now, what were you saying about Santa being thick with two C's? Okay. Because Santa can put it down. It's okay. Put it down. Don't say it again. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Joe Biden got elected president of the United States.

What? Again. Again? Like double plus extra more president. Yep. Yeah. He won the election part in November. That was crucial.

Then he won a long series of court cases argued by almost crying attorneys and leaky attorneys with a new face gasket and women banned from all TGI Friday's locations and also all Marriott hotels, I'm pretty sure. She was fun. Yeah.

Not so much a cracked legal team as it is a cracked legal team at this point. Yeah, or a legal team on crack, perhaps. Yeah, and then after that biden won some more when the supreme court ruled that texas doesn't have to like it texas wants something to cry about they'll give him something to cry about

and then biden won again again again the Electoral College certified its final vote this week. Yeah. Trump basically made the news sites feel the need to put up the running count on the Electoral College vote, too. Somehow we got to watch an instant replay with bated breath. It was incredible. We got to hand count these electors now or something. Some of them were wearing cardboard so we finally have

our answer joe biden has been officially chosen by the god of the universe to lead the country forward into our bright future of gay communism it's gonna be great hell yeah but that didn't stop a big group of heretical crinos, that's Christians in name only, from trying to undo the will of the Lord with a protest in Washington, D.C. using the magical power of

circle walking. First the courts, then the circle walking. Tune in next week for the official La La La I Can't Cure You convention of 2020. To be fair though though the circle walking has exactly the same chance of success as ken paxton's lawsuit that's true so these fake christians showed up by the thousands technically you could express that in millions or billions too and their big plan was to overturn the election by conducting a Jericho march, just like the Battle of Jericho from the Book of Joshua in the Old Testament.

That is when a mob of Israelites surrounded the city because that city was full of Canaanites who were on God's list of races to exterminate that he really has. And then they did that. They did the extermination. They walked around in circles and blew some trumpets and the city walls fell down. And that's when they executed every single man, woman, and child and farm animal in Jericho. Except for one prostitute who helped their spy team along the way. That's the story of Jericho. It is.

That is the story. And the Christian right of 2020 is pretty sure they're the good guys right now, just like the people in the Bible who had a musical parade of ethnic cleansing, you know, those good guys from the Bible. So the Trump squad did the same thing to honor that godly event. And to be fair, they did it without masks during a plague. So they are definitely going to kill some women, children, and farm animals. Oh, yeah.

No, right, right. Historical accuracy. Yeah. Well, not as much the farm animals, but that's the thing. We'll get to it. They missed a couple steps. much the farm animals but that's the thing it we'll get to it they missed a couple steps so the circle walk event had a very prestigious group of speakers to go along with it in dc that includes anti-choice god-awful movie maker abby johnson conservative christian commentator and r&b

sensation eric metaxas pin in that for later yeahas. Pin in that for later. Huge fucking pin in that for later. Oh, we can put all the pins you want into Eric Metaxas. Also on the speaker list was convicted felon Michael Flynn. I believe he was the keynote. And of course biblical

soft rectangle engineer the fucking MyPillow guy. i'm absolutely not looking up his name and following all that no doubt amazing oratory everyone walked around the u.s capital seven times to stop joe biden from winning the election that he's won like eight times now wow am i the only one that feels like this was all an elaborate why were you with that prostitute last night excuse that had gone too far so you're probably wondering how did joe biden get certified by the electoral college if these people did the jericho magic jericho magic yes Yes. Yeah. Right. Great question. Well, unfortunately for the ethnic cleansing LARPers, they didn't do their homework. First of all, they were supposed to walk around the target

once a day for six days and then walk around it seven times on the seventh day. Also, the spell doesn't work unless you're carrying the Ark of the Covenant the whole time when you're walking around. That's important. Maybe read the book. Maybe read ahead of the book. It's in the book. The answer's in the book. But most importantly, the Jericho thing absolutely never happened.

And super motivated archaeologists have checked. Nothing like that. But even if they did get the Ark and the timing right, we all know it wouldn't be possible for Trump supporters to be nice to a prostitute. So the whole point is, you know, it's all moot. And in white to believe news. A phenomenal call sideways. Thank you. Thank you.

The town of Murdoch, Minnesota, voted to allow an officially whites-only church to open up in their town this week because of everything we've been telling you on this show forever. For the whole show. I know there's so many questions, but how is this a municipal vote? Good question.

I don't get this. Good question. Guarantee it involved gerrymandering somehow. Seems like it would have to. Yeah. So here's the story. The church in question is called the Asatru Folk Assembly, and according to their website, quote,

Asatru is about roots, ellipses. It's about connections, ellipses. It's about coming home. Okay. First of all, I believe it's Asatru, but it's also so far sounding like you're trying to talk me into trying ayahuasca or something.

Well, you'll fit right in when they get interviewed by Joe Rogan. So that'll be fine. Well, they will. Right. So in their nonsensical declaration of purpose, item two is the preservation of ethnic European folk and their continued evolution, where they clarify, quote, let us be clear, by ethnic european folk we mean white people

who said slavic get the fuck out this is serious that's that's definitely that was a huge argument when they had oh they're like no we meant we need to clarify we mean white people and not even mediterranean somebody get out the paint chips let's's be clear about this. They also added in their statement of ethics, quote, we in Asatru support strong, healthy, white family relationships. We want our children to grow up to be mothers and fathers to white children of their own. End quote. Not adding dot, dot, dot siblings, their own siblings. But I feel like it was implied

yeah one last thing about these assholes I just have to mention their symbol is very clearly a swastika but a fat swastika yeah but to be fair if you did need a symbol for a whites only church setting

up in Minnesota a fat swastika does kind of fucking nail it, right? Yeah, no, it does. Chubby swastika. So yeah. Put a scarf on it and yeah, you nailed it. Exactly.

So this charming group of folks decided last year that they wanted to set up their Midwest Regional Center in Murdoch, at which point all the same people in town were like,

really? We're already called Murdoch, Minnesota. We're going to host a fucking sister fucking convention or something instead. But no, sadly, Heath insisted that SisterCon 2020 take place in Cincinnati this year. So last week, the town council voted three to one to allow the bigots to set up their church. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, okay, Eli, that's shitty. But what does that have to do with the Supreme Court?

Well, according to the town, literally everything. After the vote, an attorney for the city basically said, yeah, we're doing this not to get sued. Quote, there are certain constitutional protections that apply to religions. I haven't seen any evidence sufficient to overcome the presumption that they are a religion, whether you agree or not, end quote. And the scary part is, according to our current Supreme Court over the last few years, he's absolutely right. Yeah. Yeah. No, especially this iteration we got today. Look, I mean, the upside is that by letting them do this,

we might avoid Supreme Court precedent that explicitly protects it. Yeah. That's actually good news. Wow, that's scary. Right? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. So, quick reminder of this story. Next time someone tells you that religious freedom is all about live and let live, it's not a slippery slope if you're passing

all your examples on the way down. Yeah, right. And in all lives martyr news. Fantastic. Well done. We have a story about a Christian activist group called Voice of the Martyrs

and they might get us all killed. You're doing it backwards, guys. So, all right, let's start at the beginning. Let's start with a very basic axiom of life. Don't attach Bibles to balloons and fly them around. I mean, that's just like a good kindergarten lesson. Sure. It's a stupid thing to be doing.

Like, best case scenario is nothing. Yeah, no good. The ideal outcome of that is nothing happens right but the hell evangelists over at voice the martyrs wanted to know what the worst case scenario would be and it looks like they found the perfect answer to that question they created balloon powered bible drones for distributing the word of god and then they sent these unidentified flying objects into North Korean airspace without authorization. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Oh, I got to tell you, Heath, I was listening to that whole opening thing being like, okay, that's stupid, but how does it get us killed? There it is. That's stupid, but how does that get us killed? Oh, that's how it gets you. Nailed it. Okay, so here's a quick background on Voice of the Martyrs.

Their website is persecution.com. And that tells you pretty much the whole story. Yep. They park on perfectly good porn domains, and they try to provide aid for people around the world being persecuted for their religion. But they only help the Christian victims of persecution because they're bigots. Well, yeah, I mean, they only help Christians, but they don't only help Christians. Christian music bonfire. And their mission statement is oddly self-aware, maybe by accident.

It says, we're dedicated to serving our persecuted family worldwide through practical and spiritual assistance. Yeah. We do the spiritual stuff when it seems like someone might get shooty or stabby. Yeah, right. In other words, we're happy to take your donations whether or not we do anything with them. Yeah, they are. We're happy to take your donations, whether or not we do anything with them. Yeah, they are.

Sadly, it's the practical part of the assistance that's the biggest problem right now. If Voice of the Martyrs was just bilking people out of their money to pay for thoughts and prayers to be sent across the globe, that would be so much fucking better than what they're doing right now. Instead, they're actually going to South Korea, sending makeshift aircraft across the border into North Korea and dropping highly illegal contraband into the backyards of North Korean people. If you get caught with a Bible in North Korea, you can literally be executed as a punishment.

Wow. Just a bunch of North Koreans running from the Bible drones like the scene from North by Northwest. Or depending on how their fundraising is going, like the scene in the birds. Yeah, it could be a lot of balloons. So, this might be the dumbest

thing that's ever happened. Like, ever, ever, ever. And we do multiple shows exploring that exact topic. Yeah, we had a story about a fucking coconut that got arrested once. That's our whole thing. This still might be the dumbest of all the things. So first of all, if you tell the North Korean state police,

it's not my fault. The semis.contraband fell out of the sky into my yard. That's why I have it. It's not going to go very well. Okay, actually, you know what? First of all, the real first of all, the Bible is stupid and evil. Yeah, okay, yeah, exactly.

The possible execution thing. But most importantly, don't send surprise flying stuff at the insane nuclear despot shaped like a literal snowman. That's a bad idea. Even if your balloon technology is better than his rocket technology, still a bad idea. Even if your balloon technology is better than his rocket technology,

still a bad idea. He probably gets mad about that. Okay. See, now I'm picturing Kim Jong-un trying to float a nuke over to South Korean border like Charlie Brown flying a kite. Of course.

We're all thinking about that. Wah, wah, wah. We're Holocaust. And in Lies of Locke, the moron news what lies of lock lamora is a fantasy novel but you know i don't i don't thank you enough for keeping our show so relevant and topical you i think you're welcome nailing it no i'll admit it things can get a little glum here at the scathing atheist reporting on the increasing power of tax-free, legally protected plague spreaders week

after week can get you down. But, like pretzel day on the office, once in a while, we get a real treat. Namely, when the mainstream media finds out about and accidentally interviews one of our crazy assholes. Oh, I love those days.

And this week, the crazy asshole in question was COVID-denying pastor and plague of Dunkin' Donuts worldwide, Greg Locke. Okay, well, to be fair, he's a plague of all businesses now. Yeah, he's locked it in. He's so stupid. It's amazing. All right. So while being interviewed about his COVID-flaunting church services, Pastor Locke doubled down on the idea that COVID-19 is not a pandemic, much to CNN's L. Reeves mystification. So without further ado, we here at the Scathing Atheist would like to present you with that word for word interaction right now with commentary from our very own Heath Enright.

OK. Noah, will you be my pastor, Locke? Oh, always. I'm saying the sickness is real. I'm saying the pandemic is not. I don't understand what you mean when you say pandemic's not real. Don't just repeat what you said again, Greg Locke. The pandemic is not real.

Fuck your face. But what do you think a pandemic is? Not COVID-19. But what do you think a pandemic is? Not COVID-19. But what do you think a pandemic is? Maybe say it like an old-timey ghost detective. Wouldn't you say it again? It is no pandemic. There it is.

This is where Locke's publicist says from offscreen, I think we've stuck on the pandemic question too many times. Words are tricky. Words are tricky. Words are tricky. So Reeves follows up. Well, why can't you answer it? It's ridiculous. I did.

There's no pandemic. COVID-19 is not a pandemic. But what is a pandemic then? Not what we're experiencing. Don't say your age right now. I'm 44 years old. We've not won in my lifetime. So I don't know.

And this is not it. Fuck your 44 year old face. I don't know. I don't know what it is. That's how I know that it's not this. All right. Well, I just pretended to be Greg Locke, so I need a break to clean myself. We're going to pause for a quick word from our second sponsor this week.

Keeps. All right. Heath, Eli, you guys ready to open your presents for me? Sure am. Let's do it. Firing power over Heath? What? No. Fine. Oh, look, it's hair.

You got Heath and I a box of hair for Christmas? Yeah. I know you guys are thin and a bit up top, so I figured, hey, who has the most luscious locks and could make a donation? This guy with these two thumbs right here. I mean, I appreciate it, Noah, but...

I do not, just for the record. Heath and I already have keeps. Got you a very fancy toilet seat bidet washlet. What's keeps? It was expensive. I got you the nicest one. I did a lot of research. Keeps offers generic versions of the only two FDA approved hair loss products out there. You may have tried them before, but never for this price. So wait, you can get hair loss medication online and for a good price? Ordered it online. That's where I got these Toto things. Treatment starts at just $10 a month.

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and awkward doctor's visits. Wow, that does sound good. Paid for the express shipping so it got there nice and early for you. So if you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss,

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Well, now my gift seems kind of pointless. Aw, Noah, it's not pointless. Look how much it upset Heath. Oh, that's true. And you guys' socks

next year. Like, not good ones. Like, scratchy socks. A man wrote good ones. Scratchy socks. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what's smart. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Yeah, I know. I missed you guys too. And apparently I've been going so long that these assholes think they're going to get away with it all of a sudden.

So let's start with professional bigot and some of the GOP's best friends, Jesse Lee Peterson, who wasn't able to join his fellow conservatives in celebrating the elevation of Amy COVID Barrett to the nation's highest court. Well, I'm sure he's thrilled to have somebody on board that can join in his disdain for female bodily autonomy, this was overshadowed by the disgust he felt at women having man jobs. Quote, this woman thinks that she's above men and that she is a man and that she can go to work and raise children and be like a man. That is not true, end quote. And while I do agree that that's not true, that doesn't excuse him for saying it. And apparently when he saw that wasn't enough misogyny to coax me back onto the podcast, he also took to the airwaves to lament all Republican women that were elected to the House of Representatives.

Quote, they have weakened the party by putting all of these women in charge. The strength is not in the women. It's in the men. End quote. A statement that would be a lot easier to take seriously in a week that Republican men didn't spend hiding from the term doctor as it applies to women. But Chessie Lee wasn't the only one taking advantage of my absence. My arch nemesis, Lori Alexander, has also been saying words again. Her latest tirade against the evils of her own

human rights came in response to a New Yorker cover that you probably saw. It's the one that shows a chick on a Zoom meeting where she's wearing a really nice blouse and has her hair and makeup all done up, but she's wearing gym shorts and flip-flops, and everywhere the camera isn't pointed is a mess of discarded bottles, cats, and discarded masks and gloves. And this humorous illustration of how our lives were transformed in 2020 pissed Lori off because that panracial bitch on the cover didn't have no babies on her teats. Quote, And then she concludes, quote, with a cluttered home, only cats to cuddle with, and a cold screen to stare at with a drink in their hands, they are finding that their lives

are more empty and meaningless rather than fulfilling, end quote. Now, keep in mind that this is the same piece of shit that celebrated the plague that's killing thousands of people a day because it was forcing some working mothers to stay home with their kids now that they were laid off and uncertain how they would provide for their families. And look, Lori, you pissed me off plenty before. Hell, you achieved arch nemesis status years ago, and I bet your pampered ass thought I was going hard on you before. But now you've come after cat mommies, and I can't have that. You can have my freedom but you'll never take my chonkers. The gloves are coming off Lori and I mean that metaphorically. There's no way I'd get within 20 fucking feet of you without proper PPE. And on that note and with another promise not to make

it so long in between visits I'll hand things back over to Noah, he and Eli. Thank you Lucinda. Next up in headlines in the the right's the right left the left news tonight. Here's hoping you got plenty of mileage on all that religious freedom you had earlier this month because if you're an atheist in America, you're about to have less of it. Yup. And that's

thanks to yet another Trump administration rule change that tells the non-religious to lame duck themselves. The new rules loosen restrictions that kept religious groups that receive taxpayer money for secular services from forcing their religious views on people while so doing so in other words those secular services no longer need to be secular right but they still have to keep that taxpayer money in a separate pile of money until they use it right so yeah oh yeah right exactly

america yeah this this new change affects nine federal agencies and does away with a series of regulations meant to keep taxpayer money from directly funding religious proselytization so like in the past the rules said that a religious group providing services had to refer clients elsewhere if they said they were uncomfortable with the religious affiliation of that group in the past the rules required those groups to tell people receiving services that they didn't have to participate in religious activities to get them in the past the sole provider for secular services in an area couldn't be religious this new change would eliminate all of those protections okay i mean good like libertarian

it's about time we got rid of all the red tape around this is charity and this is bribery. Like, whatever. This is America. Use the words I want. Okay, so we're starting a bunch of Satanist charities with mandatory milk ceremonies at the beginning, right? Just to get this nipped in the bud real quick.

Yeah, right, yeah. Now, as egregious as this is, the true villainy of it can only really be appreciated when you contextualize it with the lead story from last week which allowed all federal contractors are right to discriminate as long as they did so religiously and as blatantly illegal as that sounds it's pretty much already got the scota seal of approval this means that the ultimate decision of who has access to taxpayer-funded services is

going to wind up in the hands of churches and religious groups all over the country. LGBTQ people, for example, will be forced to pay churches to discriminate against them more. In a news spread. I guess more than they're already doing, but more so. Yeah, great. So religion can eat its cake and have it too and refuse to sell it to same-sex couples great and miscegenated couples and jewish people fantastic yeah and then when those gay jewish miscegenated couples are starving for cake the charity that those same people run

can make them sit through a prayer about how terrible they are before they get any of the cake they're starving for because they didn't get a whole thing. If they decide to give them some. Yep. Yeah. And much like the rule change that we discussed last week, it's important to remember that these changes cannot be undone immediately. I mean, the Biden administration is definitely going to change these rules back as soon as they can.

But there are required public comment periods and hurdles that have to be overcome along the way there are studies that you have to do etc etc so this will take place and it will be in effect long enough to gravely affect some people's lives also the biden administration is going to have so much egregious shit to undo that who the fuck knows where this winds up under the uh egregious shit triage right So look forward to plenty of depressing Trump era stories on this show well into the Biden administration. We have an egregious shit triage industry that we have to have now.

Yep. That's been created. An egregious shit triage administration. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay. Well, next up in headlines, I got a fun one for you. I do have a fun one for you. Oh, I forgot about this. Yeah. Okay. Well, next up in headlines, I got a fun one for you.

You do have a fun one for us. I forgot about this. This is fun. Eric Metaxas, the R&B sensation that we were talking about earlier. Remember the pin? He made a song and it is aggressively bad. Yeah, it is. It's so fucking bad.

It's a remake of Mary Did You Know by Pentatonix. And for those who aren't familiar, Pentatonix is an acapella band. So not a great start. Eric Metaxas needs to have so many more than zero instruments playing while his voice is happening. Yes. Especially when his version is called biden did you know and it's about how the democrats stole the election word of advice eric don't tempt people to take you on in song when you're a perpetually swollen human whose name rhymes with anaphylaxis

he doesn't know that word okay but now based on how we now know that he sings i am prepared to believe that when he sucker punched that guy he was in fact just trying to dance with him so there's the twist so this thing is both horrible and delightful at the same time. Oh, yes. Like, musically, it's the longest three minutes of my life. But emotionally, it's fucking fantastic. Because I got to watch Eric Metaxas descend into madness musically. From Eric Metaxas? Like, from where he starts? He's just naming random conspiracy stuff he heard and trying to vaguely

smoosh it into a piece of music that he clearly doesn't know well enough to smoosh into and the energy of the video he made never lines up with the meaning of the lyrics that he's trying to sing like he starts out he's all pumped up he's getting his face right up in the camera like you know that bass player nobody can name who gets five seconds in a music video one time and he's doing weird angles and faces and you're getting right on the camera he's doing that but then he realizes he's almost weeping because he's actually singing a lament to Joe Biden. That's the song. It's like he's Eponine doing On My Own,

but he's doing the bass player thing. It's crazy. But just in case you start to empathize with any of Eric Metaxas' deep sadness, every so often in the video, they show you a cardboard cutout, a life-size cardboard cutout of the MyPillow guy in his house. Eric Metaxas clearly owns that and displays it prominently in his house.

Worse yet, that's the video's sponsor. The MyPillow guy is holding up a pillow on which is written a promo code. It's a promo code. This whole thing is literally a MyPillow guy is holding up a pillow on which is written a promo code. It's a promo code. This whole thing is literally a MyPillow commercial. It is. It really is, though. Okay, but guys, the long-tail marketing crossover is insane on that video, right?

Like, if he had cut open the pillow and inside was a bunch of ultra-brain pills, 100% customer retention. Yeah. So full disclosure, I just, I can't stop watching it. I could, I watched it so many times. I went through it maybe 10 times yesterday and it's been stuck in my head ever since. I think my favorite part is watching Eric Metaxas slowly realize on camera that you can't just create a good piece of music because you feel like it, even if you pretty much completely steal it from real musicians. But he keeps trying new

stuff that doesn't work. Like, he's dancing for a second, and then he immediately has to stop. He has to give up on dancing on camera. He does a recitative for a little bit. He does. It's fucking amazing.

It plays like there's somebody off camera who has to like repeatedly hold up a sign that says sing, don't talk. It's what happens when there just is no shame anymore. Seriously, if you are an artist who is like going through a block right now, you need this video in your life you will finish your novel by midnight tonight just making up words like shakespeare no backspace is used he is a creative laxative absolutely and i hate to end this on a sad note but I just tried to watch it again earlier today.

And apparently it got taken down for, well, directly lifting huge chunks of the Pentatonix music video, which is probably for the best now that I think about it. I mean, I like acapella music way more than the appropriate amount. than the appropriate amount. But here's the thing. If I wanted to watch Eric Metaxas do an acapella, trying to get a handjob from a college kid in a North Face jacket

and New Balance sneakers, I'd go to Liberty University. Good chance I'd even see the MyPillow guy in the background. Oh, yeah. Does this handjob have a promo code? Can we prorate it? And in fuckhole your seatbelts news nice right wing radio host and covid proof pastor who totally got covid ew jackson took to his show this week to

explain how planes work and surprise surprise it is not however planes work Yeah lift Anyways it turns out that planes Stay in the air because of Christian prayers Yeah why else would it be Wing and uh damn it I knew it I knew we prayed down those Planes over Pennsylvania 9-11 was a magical

Duel with Islam and we lost I fucking knew it Yeah so after begrudgingly admitting That he's grateful for the scientific It was a magical duel with Islam and we lost. I fucking knew it. Yeah. So after begrudgingly admitting that he's grateful for the scientific breakthroughs like medicine or aeronautics, he says, quote, but, but they, he means people who build airplanes, still only know a little about a little. And God knows everything about everything. Well, there you go.

And when I get on that plane, you know what I'm saying what are you saying lord touch the pilot lord guide their hands they don't like that lord give them judgment lord give them wisdom if there is any kind of emergency help them to know what to do in the situation surround this plane with your angels. Every time one of his planes lands, he looks around at the other passengers. You're welcome. Great work, everybody. Okay, now everybody pray for everyone to stand up at the exact same time for no reason. Even the people sitting on the inside when I'm on the outside. Yeah.

What the? Do you need to get up? Do you need to get up? Where are you going to go? Are you going to go right there? Are we going to? I'm on the outside. Yeah. What the... Do you need to get up? Do you need to get up? Where are you going to go? Where are you going to go right there? Are we going to... I'm sorry. Are we going to take turns getting off the plane

like every other plane ever? Okay. Do you need to get next to this very sweaty man who's pressed up against me? My name is Eli. He continues, quote, you have some idiot

getting on the plane. I don't believe in God. I believe in science. These scientists know what to do. These pilots know what to do. That's what I always say when I get on a plane. I'm totally doing this exact monologue next time I get on a plane.

Wait, what's the rest of it? These aeronautical engineers know what to do. I trust in them. What do we really need to talk about God for? We don't need God. Look at what we did. That's the fool. Ma'am, ma'am, do you have a minute

to talk about aeronautical engineers? Let's get into this. That if something goes wrong on that airplane, his life is saved because a believer was on that airplane praying and saying, Lord lord i am under your protection and somehow miraculously everybody gets out alive and some idiot has the nerve to say isn't what we can do with science amazing okay wait all right okay ew jackson you said christians

don't get covid you got covid the very next thing that you say is Christians can't die in fiery plane crashes. Have you learned nothing, man? Say more stuff. Say stuff. That can't happen. Yeah. Noah, you are a step ahead of me because this is a very testable plane. What about cobras?

What about snakes on a fucking plane, man? Tell us about that. Yeah, so EW, if you're listening, and we know you are because I cleverly disguised this podcast on Twitter as a gay OnlyFans account, and we know how much you love those. I accept your challenge. We will fly

on a plane powered by science, and you will fly on a plane powered by prayer. First one to not die wins. Go. We are racing. He's not going to die. He's going to sit there on the top. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I would say we'll be the ones

that wind up in the air. We'll be in way more danger. We'll be at risk. Alright, and finally tonight in Deep in the Night news, former congresswoman and creepy painting with eyes that follow you around, Michelle Bachman was at a political rally in Georgia last Friday trying to rally the Republican vote

ahead of the January Senate runoff. And her message to rally goers can best be summed up as votes are routinely stolen. Your participation may or may not count. None of it really matters. That's true. Republicans of Georgia.

Yeah. And if you think that she was accusing Democrats of stealing the votes, by the way, I think you've momentarily forgotten how fucking crazy Michelle Bogdan is because she cut out the middleman and pinned the vote stealing directly on Satan. On Satan? Really? Yep. The magical demon stole just enough votes to get a runoff

for the team that satan wanted that would like cover his tracks because it would be like double oh well excuse satan for having a sense of drama yeah he was building a moment dramatically right right that's right the great horned one has thrown his weight around the American political arena once again, and Bachman assures us that we've already seen the fruits of his labor.

After all, on election night, we all collectively witnessed, quote, Satan snatching away from America, ruled by the consent of the governed. Adding, quote,

Satan was stealing from us our right to vote. I am highly offended insulted angry and i'm not going to stand for the fact that my vote was stolen end quote okay if david purdue and kelly leffler aren't good enough for satan that's not our fault better candidates man if the gop can't beat a black guy and a jewish guy in fucking georgia they deserve to be tormented by a demon forever right i mean to be fair they deserve to be tormented by a demon forever for other reasons no that's true already had that going extra now but yeah as terrifying as it is to have so many prominent Republicans fanning the flames of this fascist fraud fantasy, it comes with the silver lining that outshines the rest of the goddamn cloud.

Because all over the state of Georgia, Democrats are talking about John Ossoff, Raphael Warnock and control of the goddamn Senate. And Republicans are talking about Donald Trump, Satan and how fraudulent elections in the U.S. are. And it kind of leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy inside because I really didn't think Michelle was going to get me anything this year. So I guess I got to jump on Amazon and find out if I normalize her as a thing. So we're going to close the headlines there. Eli, thanks as always. Joel Osteen Tooth Surfboard.

When we come back, we'll learn that toe tapping sometimes means that you're just impatient for the fucking song to end. Hey, podcast listener. As you might already know, we raised a fuck ton of money to help win back the Senate last month on the Cognitive Dissonance Save the Senate live stream. But more importantly, we beat Andrew and Thomas. We beat Andrew and Thomas, exactly. Yes, we did. We did. But many of you reached out either because you didn't have a chance to give

or because you didn't want to choose between us. Foolish. You chose us, obviously. Obviously, yeah, that's correct. Well, luckily, this Sunday, December 20th, you don't have to choose because Thomas and Andrew are hosting their very own live stream to save the Senate from 4 to 7 p.m. Eastern with a whole new slate of guests who you can feel much better about crushing with your generosity.

Oh, no, Ross and Kerry. More like, oh, no, we raised way less money than the puzzle on a thunderstorm audience. Okay. Yeah. Now, our segment is from 6.30 to 7 p.m., and we'd love to finish strong. So whether you didn't get a chance to donate last time, you've got a little extra cash to give, or you just want to do some good while your favorite shows are still on the team, head over to the Opening Arguments YouTube channel and give during our segment.

Again, that's 6.30 p.m. Eastern this Sunday, December 20th. Because after all, the only thing we want to crush more than Andrew and Thomas is Mitch McConnell. Yeah, no, that's fair. That is fair. Over on our sister show, God Awful Movies, we break down the very worst that Christian cinema has to offer. But movies are far from the only thing that Christians are terrible at. They suck at short films, books, comics, stand-up comedy, TV shows, music.

Hell, if there was a thing called Christian blinking, it would somehow suck. Which is why we occasionally borrow that show's format for a segment that we call God Awful Music. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We listened to Christmas is is for children the song but not the 1968 version by glenn campbell different song we listened to some random song that eli fixated on from a gam movie that not even google knows about so i haven't even heard this song because i couldn't even physically find it i don't know.

I have no idea. I've seen the lyrics now. Eli, put them in a thing. So for clarity, this little ditty comes from the opening credits to Chip Rossetti's The Borrowed Christmas, which we just reviewed over on our sister show, Godawful Movies. It's free on Prime if you want to listen. But more importantly, I've thought about this song every day since that review, and I need to finally give it its due.

All right. Okay. So, Eli, how bad was this music? Well, if you love listening to the You're My Cuppy Cake song while you admire your lady bending over lawn ornaments and drinking caramel straight from a jar. Interesting. You will love your song. You've painted me a picture, Eli. You've painted me a picture.

If eating an entire ice cream cake in one sitting could be music, it would be this song. Okay. I reject that analogy because that just means that this song is too much of a good thing. But okay, so we're going to start off in this song like any good essay would, stating the premise. So the song starts, Christmas is defined by the dictionary.

So Christmas is for children who believe in Santa Claus. And we made it two lines before the Jews can fuck themselves. Yeah, but we only made it one line before the Catholics found somebody they could fuck. All right. So the lyrics continue as though Kris Kringle had a gun to the songwriter's head. And snowflakes on the window panes, stockings filled with candy canes, and puppies showing just their nose and paws. What? Really gruesome if you picture it wrong.

Well, so I'm sure it was that line that Eli was obsessing over and that's the reason that we're doing because that sounds like a trying to escape pose to me. Right? It does. Okay. So just to review,

it's Christmas, no Jewish people allowed, and there's a puppy in a pillory just locked in. That's a puppy in a pillory just locked in that's a weird start okay the stage is set for a christmas song go all right well so that's four whole lines now with different lyrics in each one so the song has to kind of repeat itself a little bit here. Next lyric goes, Christmas is for children who can't wait to trim the tree and paper chains and shiny

lights and jingle bells and silent nights. Really? Plural? They can't wait to silent nights? They can't wait to paper chains? What are we even trying to say, motherfuckers? Sure hope Santa brings me a verb

tomorrow. Right. And special times with friends and family christmas is for children like me that's now you see why i said family like that yeah because of the stupid rhymes in this fucking song sung by the way by a full-grown woman right so yes christmas is for children like me full grown woman who believes in santa claus if we're even the first line here and in the music video for this i'm pretty sure this is where she's online for a mall santa and gets into a violent altercation with a child about back cuts and what's allowed that sort of thing i mean i'm pretty sure that was you. It was me.

That was me. It didn't have to be violent. That kid chose I was being cool. The kid escalated. And then I escalated. He started. He looked like a punk. He was very large.

So the song continues blurting out words like Mrs. Claus having a stroke. Silver bells and new white snow. Put your finger on the ribbon while I tie the bow. continuous blurting out words like Mrs. Claus having a stroke. Silver bells and new white snow. Put your finger on the ribbon while I tie the bow. Okay. Yeah, because dribble your eggnog all over my tits didn't rhyme. I mean, it's not like the lack of rhyme has stopped them before.

Eggnog, yule log. There's something there. Yep. Oh, speaking of which, this is so fucking bad here kisses neath the mistletoe and love that's understood why is that understood seems cocky yeah yeah just that whole it's probably time for christianity to lose the shrub of consent thing from christmas i don't think that's a good idea all right but, but that was setting up this brilliant fucking rhyme. And don't those roasting chestnuts smell good?

That rhyme was so strange they're going to need an official timeout to cart it off the fucking field. That rhyme's going to go home and kill its whole family. Oh, God. Should have let that rhyme be gay. Let that rhyme be gay.

And, okay, so at this point, the song feels that it's lulled you in with all its QC shit like silver bells and puppy stockades. So now it's time to layer in the religious propaganda. Christmas is for children who rejoice on Christmas Eve, for Christ was born this holy night beneath the stars of wonder's light, a wondrous gift for all who dare believe. Yes, for all who dare to succumb to the will of the majority and travel the path of least resistance.

Also, wonders and wondrous, three words apart, two thumbs down. I have no rhyme being used here. After all, you're my one and only. three words apart two thumbs down no rhyme being used here after all you're my one one no way sister but oh wait there's more ooh but most of all this time of year I crave that

peace on earth is near I'm like fuck your bullshit Miss America answer and just tell me what you want for Christmas anyway so we finish off so all these Christmas joys will always be for Christmas. Anyway, so we finish off. So all these Christmas joys will always be for Christmas is for children like me.

So with that reminder that no matter how much you hate Wham! it actually could be worse. We're going to wrap up for the night, but we'll be back soon with even more God Awful Music. more god awful music before we close the book for the night i wanted to urge you one more time to hop on to andrew and thomas's live stream on sunday that's the 20th at 6 30 p.m and help take back the senate the

campaigns have literally reached out to us this time and asked for our help so if you didn't get a chance to donate last time, this is your opportunity. And if the future of America isn't enough to motivate you, keep in mind there's an off chance that if this goes really well, Eli might wind up in the same room as a senator. A pastor won at that. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd suck eggs if I neglected to thank the lovely and talented Heath Enright for all the loveliness and the talent.

I need to thank the lovely and talented Eli Bosnick for all the talent and the loveliness. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for being so generous with her signature descriptors. I also want to thank John for providing this week's sponsor with, quote, especially love the part where you told us you weren't a podcaster while you were apparently dropping change on your microphone. Great meta joke, intentional or otherwise, dude.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Jennifer, Paul, Heidi, Robert, Daniel, and Johan. Jennifer, Paul, and Heidi, whose IQs are so high, China and Nepal can't agree on an exact number, and Robert, Daniel, and Johan, who give Santa a sack full of goodies envy. Together, these six savory seculars set about securing sustained scatological spadisms from satire this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can

make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skating ATS, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingads.com. And if you'd like to help, but you spent all your money on those ungrateful kids again, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show,

and following us at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson, and our social media. Our I.O. engineer is

Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page

at skatingads.com. He's colorblind, but with punctuation. And I was going to say, and commas are all dark brown and yellow. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.