The Scathing Atheist - 410: Manscapedmas Edition

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

In this week’s episode, Coach Dave loses a wizard duel , we learn that epidemiology is cancel culture gone too far, and we’ll tell you about celebrations that involve dicks and punching. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: GOP Congressman: Raphael Warnock isn’t a real Christian: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/16/future-gop-congressman-raphael-warnock-doesnt-represent-real-americans/ UK cancels "Christmas timeout" on COVID rules as new mutant version of the virus spreads: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/19/world/europe/coronavirus-uk-new-variant.html Dave Daubenmire is SUCH AN ASSHOLE: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/22/christians-invaded-native-american-sacred-space-to-pray-away-dark-energy/ A Professional Soccer Player Was Given a One-Game Suspension for Blasphemy: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/14/a-professional-soccer-player-was-given-a-one-game-suspension-for-blasphemy/ Yes Virginia, there is a Gods Not Dead 4: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/22/gods-not-dead-4-a-film-no-one-asked-for-will-begin-filming-next-month/ The War on Christmas, COVID Edition: https://newrepublic.com/article/160605/coronavirus-lockdowns-war-christmas https://www.huffpost.com/entry/war-on-christmas-fox-news-coronavirus_n_5fd3ca07c5b68256b1152e6b

Warning, this is the vulgar atheist podcast your mama was warning you about. Also, you have a weird mom. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HelloFresh, Stamps.com, and by HelloNotExactlyFreshButNotExpiredYetEither. HelloNotExactlyFreshButNotExpiredYetEither. Because not everybody's all fancy. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Elmo. And even Elmo

knows that humans evolved from filthy monkey men. Ha ha ha ha ha. That tickles. And Eli, call me. It's Thursday.

It's December 24th. And it's the scathing, atheist Christmas spectacular sponsored by Manscaped. Wait. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Yeah, what? Absolutely not. Yeah, surprise.

I got us a sponsor for our big Christmas Eve spectacular, Manscaped. Spectacular? Yeah. Manscaped's going to pay for all the musical numbers and the fireworks show. I got the fireworks. Dude, Eli, we don't have any musical numbers.

You guys didn't write any musical numbers? No, and this is a podcast, so a fireworks show would just be like loud bangs in a podcast. Right. Okay. Well, you'll see. I have a bad feeling about this. I don't want to see. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm checking some... I'm Heath Enright, whatever. And from Mark Marins, New Jersey. I'll take it. Cincinnati, Red State, and Redtown, Blue State. This is The Scathing Atheist. Oh, this week's episode, Coach Dave loses a wizard's duel.

We learn that epidemiology is cancel culture gone too far. And we'll tell you about celebrations that involve dicks and punching. But first, we will. But first, the diatribe. so merry shitty ass goddamn pandemic christmas i mean look i'm a married childless introvert that works from home hates gatherings and lives 90 miles from the nearest decent restaurant the pandemic has been easier on me than most people or at least most people who bother to be socially responsible through it at

all but even for a cynical misanthrope like myself missing the holidays is rough i mean i talk a lot of shit about christmas because it's stupid to devote three months to one fucking holiday the music's annoying the salvation army is a borderline hate group and i suck at coming up with good presents for people and that's all exacerbated by the fact that christians are constantly trying to make the holidays secular enough to shut down the entire country over but religious enough for jesus to still be the reason for the season and all that have your fruit cake and eat it too bullshit makes my job harder every year but all that being said i still fucking love Christmas. I've admitted that on the show before.

I love hanging lights and I love wrapping presents. I love tearing up at sappy Christmas commercials. Sure, and I still get all of that this year, but that shit's the icing. Getting together with the family is the cake and eating spoonfuls of icing is depressing

no matter how good it tastes. I mean, now, obviously, this isn't the same for everybody. Yeah, we all have different families. I know some of our Australian and Kiwi listeners are going to be carrying on with their weird summer Christmas, like more or less normal this year. I know a lot of you with big families all under one roof are going to be like, know having a relatively normal christmas as well but but for people like me people whose families are spread out all over the country and who live alone or just with their partner this is going to be a hollow fucking christmas all the worst coming on the heels of that hollow thanksgiving we just didn't have of course there's a valuable lesson in the middle of it that i'm going to try to hold on to because ever since

we started doing this show i've gotten used to these emails that come around this time of year from newly minted atheists or people who have been atheists for a while that broke away from their family's faith. And very often that meant like severing all the ties with their family and some of, if not all of their friends. And I get these heart wrenching emails from people about how they spent Thanksgiving binging on our archives or something like that so that they wouldn't feel as alone over the holidays. And as much as I've always tried to sympathize with those people, this is the closest I've ever come to feeling that shit for myself. I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't want to oversell

the woe is me shit here, right? My family wants to see me. I can call them on the phone or hop on a Zoom call with them, and I probably will. They sent me cards. We exchanged gifts through the mail. We're all looking forward to getting together next year and making up for this fucked up shit year. In that sense, this is the difference between being homeless and camping.

And even this minuscule taste of what it's like for those people is enough to fucking wreck me. It's always been so weird to me that religion harps on family togetherness as one of its main merits. They're fond of saying the family that prays together stays together, but it's always the religious people saying that. So it sounds a lot like when the terrorists tell the hostages that if nobody tries to escape, nobody's going to get shot.

It's only true because religious people will disown their kids if they stop praying that's not a benefit that's a threat and yet religions probably the number one cause of broken families in the country and indeed the world can't say enough about how great they are at bringing families together i mean if there's a silver lining around anything in 2020 it's probably because it's kicking off some kind of previously unknown form of deadly radiation. But I intend to spend a lot of my time on Christmas on that lonely, echoey Christmas, thinking about all the people who have to suffer through this shit every year. And I hope it stays with me.

I hope it reminds me in 2021 and in all of the Christmases to come, how important it is that we offer community to people who have been robbed of theirs and how important it is that we invite them into our families. So anyway, on that like weird twisted attempt at getting a Christmas message out of this shit, Merry goddamn fucking bullshit ass pandemic Christmas and happy good riddance to this shithole year day. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Balthazar and Melchior to my Gaspar Heathenwright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to come on to a baby? Guided by the star known as Michael Jackson. No illusions.

Oh, there you go. I don't want to be the fucking mer guy. You made me the mer guy. This sucks. Alright, well, I'll tell you what. If all this talk about babies has your tummy rumbling, I guess we're already most of the way segued into a word from our first sponsor this week. Hello Fresh.

No, you got to cut it sideways. What does that mean? You don't know what sideways? Turn it. Turn it sideways. Hey, guys. What you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. Heath and I were just trying to cook fresh homemade meals to save some time and money.

Yeah, but his knife skills are terrible. Well, why don't you try? Did somebody say skills? I'm sorry. Who are you? What? LOL. I'm the manscaped man, of course.

But this is a HelloFresh ad Not anymore it isn't Thanks to the contractually obligated sponsorship Your partner signed on for your Christmas spectacular This is a manscaped ad now Now shave your balls Dude no get away from me Come and get manscaped

No dude get away Eli get him off of me Manscaped Okay so uh from me come and get medscape no dude get away eli get him off of me medscape okay so uh you want to just order thai food yeah let's just order thai food thai food great i think we'll get paid for that ad no i do not yeah probably not and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight atheists who were feeling a bit iffy about supporting a pastor in the upcoming Georgia Senate runoff had their fears assuaged this week when incoming GOP congressman and platonic form of white privilege Madison Cawthorn took to Fox News to explain that Pastor Raphael Warnock, who preaches at Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s's former fucking church isn't a real christian tm interesting yeah see because when your entire party's platform is bigotry attacking the opponent's otherness and attacking their policies are one in the same yeah and when the color of your skin is privilege white and the content of your character is accused of sexual assault a bunch.

Dr. King can't really help you with getting judged. Right. Yeah. So Cawthorn took time off of collecting sexual misconduct accusations like they were Pokemon and headed down to Georgia to campaign on behalf of the cartoonishly evil Republican candidates. Sorry, just King. I shouldn't.

He's not a medical doctor. Oh, no, you're right. You're right. Exactly. Mr. Martin. Yeah. Mr. King. So, yeah. he's not a medical doctor oh no you're right you're right exactly mr martin yeah mr king so yeah so during this interview fox news is brian kilmeade asks about warnock and here's the fucking

quote you see this warnock fella who's coming down here he was born in savannah fucking jordan who's coming down here and disguising himself as some moderate pastor from the south who doesn't believe in these radical ideas but if you look at him really what he actually believes he's a radicals radical he wants to defund our police he says he's a pastor yet he's all about abortion this is somebody who does not represent what real americans believe end quote tm again yeah okay crawthorneaffan. That was a little long. Do you have a quote that we could just use

as a bumper? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Blah. Blah. Great. Yeah, oh, wait. Just you wait, sir. It's going to come close.

It's not going to be clear which side of that it lands on. Yeah. Go ahead. So before it was all over, he feared perhaps some of the racist viewers

might not be getting the message and added that Warnock wanted to, quote quote make our families in Georgia and all across the country in more danger sick and protect a society that benefits gangsters and thugs end quote okay you know what black does feel less bigoted I retract my my joke. Yeah, exactly. I guess it is clear which side. All right. So quick reminder,

we did a second fundraiser this past weekend to help raise money for the Democratic candidates in this race. And unlike the last one, which was run by an objective third party where we more than doubled the money raised by Thomas and Andrew, in this one, which Thomas and Andrew were entirely in control of, they outraised us by claiming one of the half hours as their own and laying claim to all the matching funds, which Thomas and Andrew were entirely in control of, they outraised us by claiming one of the half hours as their own and laying claim to all

the matching funds, which was weird. Stop the count. Thomas Cecil didn't do that in their fundraiser. What, are they organizing the fundraiser like fucking Enron over there? Get out of here. Exactly. I guess Thomas Cecil didn't Arthur Anderson doing your numbers for your fundraiser? Fundraiser all about

themselves. But had they done that, I guess Thomas and Andrew really would have come in a distant third in that. I do mean a distant third. Anyway, the point is that you can still donate to ActBlue and possibly help nudge a couple more voters to the polls in Georgia

in January. And also Thomas and Andrew's win was kind of sad and desperate. On the Christmas episode Noah on the manscaped Christmas spectacular no less not in front of manscaped they know what they did

and in the never ending Tory news Boris Johnson is the prime minister of 2020 the year in every way and it's not going great for the uk in case anyone missed it there's um a global pandemic there's that and while that's all happening the uk is a week away from transitioning from a 21st century economy within a cooperative trade community into a protectionist island that doesn't produce things. Yep. Guided by 17th century mercantilism.

Yeah. Just like when England was great again. But despite all that, Boris Johnson wasn't going to let Christmas get canceled. His government decided to call a timeout on COVID for five days and lift all the safety orders. But then we heard about mutant COVID spreading around and they're locked right the fuck back down even harder than before. Okay. Okay. COVID has legs and can stab you.

I'm afraid to say Boxing Day is canceled. Yeah. Now, if only they could treat the mutant strain of Brexit with the same expediency. So, yeah, the timeline of Boris Johnson's policy adjustments makes it even worse than it sounds.

According to our official UK correspondent, Michael Marshall, Johnson knew days ahead of time that that five-day virus timeout was going to get reversed. And during that time, during that time that he knew it was going to change anyway, Johnson spoke with opposition leaders and mocked them for trying to cancel Christmas.

He called it inhumane to make people skip one holiday one time. Apparently all my bartending jobs ever were inhumane too. But Christian Wright here in America never said a word. Either way, Johnson created a five-day plague holiday, then realized that

a giant death toll might also be considered inhumane if you think about it. And then he lied about realizing that for several days. No, as weird as it sounds, given Johnson's rampant stupidity, it almost certainly saved a lot. The emerging, more dangerous strain of the virus almost certainly saved British lives. It did.

And crazy. So, yeah, moral of the story, congratulations all around to atheism. We canceled Christmas in the UK, but it almost didn't work. Boris Johnson was onto us.

He discovered that five-day timeout loophole during which the original virus had to observe a holiday on request. But then our super COVID strain kicked in and he had to rethink the plan.

So no more British Christmas. And now we wait. That's right. Coincidence that the new strain came out in the same country where the guy who did COVID resides? I think not. What is coincidence? Marshdidcovid.com.

Sponsored by Manscaped. And in putting the repent back in the way, Dave Dobbenmeier spells serpent news tonight. I guess some about relentlessly spreading disease to a vulnerable population of innocent people just got Dave Dobbenmeier pining for the good old days of Manifest Destiny, and he decided to scratch that itch

by giving some Indians a magical wet fur with a generous helping of jesus so dave and a bunch of his acolytes headed over to serpent mound a prehistoric burial site in southern ohio to pray against the dark energy that dave says is released there needless to say the native americans that were already there were less than welcoming. Okay, Coach Dave, just a quick thing. I heard the really bad dark energy, it's happening on North Sentinel Island. It's lovely.

They've never even heard of Jesus there. They've never even heard of him. All I'm going to say is, you might be racist, but are you field trip to call a graveyard the devil racist? Get on Coach Dave's level's level now the ensuing confrontation was caught on video by both sides and made its way online but for those of you who don't want to watch screamy racism for 13 minutes i'll sum up the action for you dave and his coven

of xenophobes show up and they're met in the parking lot by the executive director for the american indian movement of ohio philip yen. Hailing from Cleveland, a city long known for its respect for Native Americans, Yenyo learned about Coach Dave's plan in advance and drove the four hours or so to stand between the bigot brigade and the sacred ground on which his literal goddamn ancestors are literally goddamn buried.

Ground. It's ground. Yeah. I get what you're saying. So Dave and his bevy of idiots responded to those concerns as i'm sure you already guessed by screaming at yenyo masklessly about how they were going to reclaim that sacred ground in the name of jesus assholes but my favorite part in this video it's when when Coach Dave's crew starts reciting a prayer and the Native American group starts singing kind of loud to block it. And the lady who's leading the Christian prayer panics because she realizes this is actually a problem. She's like, fuck, the magic block, it's working.

May the angels of the Lord. Guys, we need to be louder. May the angels of the Lord. See, now if I'm Philip Yenyo and the Native Americans, I'm going to dive in, right? You need to be louder. May the angels of the Lord be proud of us all. See, now if I'm Philip Yenyo and the Native Americans, I'm going to dive in, right? Start air fucking some angels. Just be like,

I'm not doing it. The devil's making me. And okay, so look, as he's already alluded to, you would be hard pressed to find a person with less innate respect for somebody else's sacred space.

But even I have the decency not to record this show in the middle of a goddamn church right and that's because even when i'm trying to be an asshole i cannot rise to the level of dave fucking dobenmeier find a church to do despite the confrontation and the clear discomfort of the people who maintain the area. They did hold their goddamn fucking stupid prayer event, though I will say to their credit, they begrudgingly agreed to step off the actual mound where the remains

are buried when they were asked nicely to do so. Woke. Great. Counterpoint, when Coach Dave dies of COVID next week, the ceremony I have planned on his grave far less tasteful and i i will not be stepping off the area where the remains are buried so it involves the manscaped guy and in blast fifa news soccer like eating a whole block of cheese for breakfast

and universal health care is one of the many the many European mysteries Americans can't get our heads around. I get that. But we were reminded once again this week that religion can ruin literally anything. When Brian Cristante, a member of the Italian team AS Roma, received a one game suspension for the crime of blasphemy. So ridiculous. Yeah, well, Eli, you're just lucky we don't do that here or you'd be out next week for profaning the good name of

breakfast cheese, but okay. Yeah, is that a European thing? They eat like an entire block of cheese? As far as I know. I like breakfast cheese. I'm very urbane and European. That's right. So according to the statement by the disciplinary commission released on footballitalia.net only the best sources for our listeners yeah quote

cristante pronounced a blasphemous expression at the 23rd minute of the first half the relative tv images acquired and examined with full technical and documentary guarantee. Oh, for fuck's sake. Considering that the player in question was clearly framed by the TV footage while uttering a blasphemous expression, identifiable and audible without margins of reasonable doubt, end quote. Wow. To be clear, Cristante said the Italian version of goddamn. Jesus. There's so much insanity in that statement. To be clear, Cristante said the Italian version of God damn. There's so much insanity in that statement. A

dedicated commission studied this thing like the fucking Zapruder film and they ran it in slow mo and they argued about whether okay, was that God damn or gosh darn. Check it again, Check it again.

Frame it. That's what they did. That literally had to happen. Yep. What I'm saying is instant replay is ruining the game. Yeah. So it's not like he read a chapter out loud from the God delusion, but this does raise the question of what counts as blasphemy on the soccer field. Right?

Like, okay, what if I read the Bible on the field, but not in the original Latin? What if I buy an indulgence during a timeout? Yeah, right, right. What if I call for the death of all Amalekites?

These are the questions. That'd be like an eight-game suspension. Right? I'm pretty sure. Based on Luis Suarez using slurs, it's like an eight-gamer.

Well, these are the questions that the people demand answers to. And as soon as the Italian soccer disciplinary authority at FIFA dot Italy dot net backslash forward slash gets back to me, we will let you know. All right, good.

And in dreaming of an AR white Christmas nose tonight. Fantastic. As superstitious as our audience isn't, they still get nervous when I say shit like, well, at least 2021 can't be worse than 2020, which is why I say stuff like that.

Because for fuck's sake, people, we're atheists here. Okay, but I also say that because I know that it is true. We have bottomed out and we're headed back up, or at least we're a month from bottoming out at most. It's like catching a falling knife, man. It's hard to say.

I know what you're saying, but like... Yeah. But, okay, but see, here's the thing, though. The upward trajectory in the future, it's not just political, because just when you thought David A.R. White wasn't getting us anything for Christmas, we learned this week that he'll begin filming

God's Not Dead 4 in January. Oh, God's Not Dead, but my marriage is. God's Not Dead 4, the quest for alimony. So yeah, so this news comes to us

via Instagram. Co-founder of Pure Flix Entertainment and former happily married person David A.R. White announced that the fourth film in his trilogy will begin filming in Oklahoma next month. Now, obviously,

this is good news for a lot of reasons, most notably that David A.R. White almost certainly won't be vaccinated by then, nor will his crew be. But for those unaware, God's Not Dead served as the impetus for us

starting the reviewing Christian movie shtick. It inaugurated Eli's regular participation in the show, and ultimately it led to an entire podcast. So needless to say, we are already drawing up our plans to watch this one together in theaters. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. By which, Noah, means we're arriving at that premiere in fucking hang gliders. It's going to be a huge deal. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So, by the way, if just knowing that the GND universe is expanding

isn't enough to get you excited, Dave's video offer up some tantalizing details. This movie's title will be God's Not Dead, We the People. Yes. And it loves you. Absolutely not. God damn it.

Apparently God's Not Dead, I thought this was america was taken but yeah but according to dave it's loosely inspired by mr smith goes to washington or at least i'm sorry he always loved that movie and then he loses his train of thought but it's kind of implied that there's some connection between his love for that jimmy stewart flick and and this movie there's so many ums in this goddamn video. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who agrees that it is about goddamn time that David A.R. White's work

got political. No, you just got suspended in Italy for your soccer team, but go ahead. Now, that said, I can't help but wonder if there's a way to reach David before filming begins, especially since it's Christmas. Christmas.

Kirk? Kirk Cameron? What up, buddy? It's Dave. It's the... What do you mean, Dave who? Classic Joker. David A.R. Whiteman. Yeah, so look, I'm in the area. I'm thinking of going out for some brewskis. Maybe meet some babes, you in? Oh, you do? No, okay

I mean, I know it's Christmas, I just Yeah, no, that's okay No problem, man I honestly, I fly better solo Anyway, Kirk? Kirk? Did you? That's weird

He must have got disconnected What was that? mike huckabee are you and your daughter eating my garbage again who are you spirit don't you recognize your old business partners the kendrick brothers oh right yeah Alex and whatever the other one's name is so what happened to you are you guys dead no no but

the Kendrick brothers really worked best for the bit sure yeah okay in life we were movie makers David R. White and good Christians but in death we wear these chains, chains of a mid-spring release schedule. Oh, like early May? No, David.

April. Mid-April. Ooh, mid-April. Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits and each... Wait, didn't we do this last year? Yeah, I could have sworn we did this bit last year. No, we did Trump Christmas Carol on Skeptocrat

last year. Totally different thing. Is it? Yes. Anyway, you're going to be visited by three spirits. Okay, got it. Who is that? Who's here? It's me, the ghost of Christmas past. Look, David, look who you could have been.

That's just like me doing my one line from second glance. That's right, David. A movie extra. You could have been an extra in the movies. Okay. Shh. Look, here comes someone you'll remember. Hi there. Hey, Andrea.

Gee, you're swell. I think you're swell. So, uh, what do you think? You want to get married? I sure do. We're going to be married forever. You guys are dicks. Uh, hello?

It's me, the ghost of Christmas present. Come, I have something to show you, David A.R. White. Oh, yeah, that's right, boys. Fill those holes. Who's next? Who's next? Oh, wow. My wife is going to be part of it? Fucking a bunch of dudes, David A.R. White.

Fucking a bunch of dudes. Fucking a bunch of dudes. All right. Oh, yeah, I can take a third one in there. You just got to mean it, that's all. Sorry. Okay. How is this supposed to teach me a lesson about Christmas?

I don't get it. Oh, it's not. I'm just showing everybody this today. I mean, I thought you'd want to see this, right? Did you not want to see this? Well, okay, don't stop it. I mean, it is impressive. Right?

Just like laterally what she's doing. I mean, wow. For the last time, I told you guys, no kissing. But tell me, Spirit, what's to come of this? I mean, most of them came already. One guy went out for Gatorade, so they'll probably... No, no, no, no, of me, Spirit, is... Is Tiny Tinder dead?

Well, that's not my domain, David. But I see an empty bottle of hair dye against the fireplace, cloaked in shadow, and a bunch of text messages that have been left on read. Hey, so you must be the third spirit, I guess. You're here to show me the future. Okay, great.

So, yeah, lead on. Let's see the future. Hey, did you guys hear that David A.R. White died? Who? The Christian movie guy guy never heard of him yeah most nobody did he'd made christian movies okay oh spirit so tell me are these things they're gonna come to pass or things that like might come to pass are they answer me spirit tell me what why won't you answer me i'm i'm alive uh you you there boy you yes sir what uh what day is it boy it's christmas sir okay well then it's not too late it's not too late everyone everyone listen to me yes sir

i've learned something something very important do not believe women on the internet who say they'll fuck you oh i'm sorry sir what oh what oh sure yeah so uh at first it seems like you're just gonna have a little side piece going you know but then you catch feelings and start thinking about what it'd be like to be with her instead of with your wife who honestly you never really connected with in a meaningful way and uh and then those thoughts turn into conversations and before you know it bam you're announcing your divorce on instagram but then just as it looks like it's all gonna work out things with her boyfriend at liberty university get serious and now where are you nowhere fucking you're calling kirk cameron on christmas to see

if you can have gay sex like you did last time you saw him there's so much to unpack there sir sorry no i just scratched a bunch of that i just meant god bless us everyone okay did that stuff with david a.r White's marriage really happen? I mean, probably. Yeah, probably. Yeah. And finally tonight, in the art of war on Christmas news, we canceled Christmas in the UK, but it looks like it's not going to happen here in the US. They know that we've been running the long con since 2019

when we started COVID, and they are not happy. Well, since March started at Heath, credit where credit is due. Right. Well, since, since March started at Heath credit where credit is due. Right. Well, so actually for, for most of this year, they thought we did it to ruin the economy and then profit from that. But they finally realized the master plan and they've shifted their rhetoric.

Of course, we atheists are terrified that Christmas is more powerful than our Satan magic. So we've been using the threat of mass death from this pandemic as an excuse to eradicate the holiday. And the Christian right, they're calling our bluff now and causing mass death. That's not how bluffing works or how calling bluffs work, but that's what they're doing.

So for the first time ever, the war on Christmas actually has a death toll and it's going to be really big. It's terrifying. That's right, everybody. Welcome to the year where a literal war on Christmas might kill less people. Almost certainly, yeah.

Yup. So the best example of the shift in rhetoric comes from an article in the New Republic. They mentioned a columnist from the federalist named david marcus who looks like uh he looks like a columnist from the federalist honestly and uh also a hair gel vampire i don't even know what that means but that's what he looks like well during the spring he wrote about how we can't afford to damage the economy just to stop a global pandemic the title was we can't destroy the country for the sake of new york city oh wow in new york city by the way well

now the virus is killing people all over the country so he kind of had to take a new angle his latest article is titled is fortnight live the future of? It's so weird how he had no trouble devoting two and a half trillion dollars to clean it up after a New York problem when that problem involved killing Muslims. Right. Right. Weird. So, yeah, people like David Marcus had to shut the fuck up and stop talking about the virus because of how horribly wrong they were. But that requires awareness of being wrong and giving a fuck about being wrong. And those are un-American qualities. So we got plenty

of Christian right news people digging their heels in and just pivoting to the war on Christmas as the new angle. For example, according to Jack Posobiec of One America News, quote, Jake Tapper and Anthony Fauci don't get to tell me whether or not my family celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. Hey, bro, it's more effective if you tell them that they don't get to decide whether or not your puppy's allowed to breathe and it's equally hyperbolic. Just, you know, go feel fucking jugular. Right. Also, Jack, Anthony Fauci also doesn't want you to play Russian roulette

with all the chambers full. He doesn't. He said it would be terrible if you did that. It's color for your guns. Six. So just for the record, Jack Posobiec

is a neo-Nazi collaborator. Yep. Also known as a neo-Nazi. Yeah, really. And speaking of which, speaking of neo-Nazis, Breitbart ran a column telling its readers that fascist governors are trying to cancel your Christmas. We also heard from GOP Congressman Jim Jordan, who tweeted, they tried to cancel Thanksgiving, didn't work.

They're coming for Christmas next. Didn't work. They're coming for Christmas next. And in response to my very obvious joke about our Satan magic, we heard the following from Tucker Carlson. Oh, yeah. Quote, they figured out that Christmas is bigger than they are and therefore it's a threat to them. Better cancel it. He also added, what?

Death is inevitable. Maybe we should pause before we destroy the living in the name of trying to eliminate it. Death, I guess, is what he meant by it. Attack ships off the fire on the shoulder of Orion. Watch sea beams glitter in the dark near Texas. Tears and rain on

Tucker Carlson. Jesus Christ. This shit is always frustratingly stupid. But when their party is literally trying to overturn the clear will of the voters, the whole happy holidays is fascist line is that much harder to take. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. If there's one thing that defines us here at the Scathing Atheist, It's that we're here to solve problems for conservative Christians. And that's why we sent Santa Claus

a check for $600 straight from us. He'll be fine for another year without the job. Problem solved. There you go. You are welcome, everybody. And now that everybody's filled with a bit of Christmas bitterness, we're going to close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, 600 bucks will still be a pittance. Mumble, mumble, rumble, mumble. Hey, Noah, what's the matter? Oh, hey, Heath, it's all these Christmas

presents I'm trying to send. The lines at the post office are crazy. Plus, earlier in the show, the manscape man tried to hold me down and shave my nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was pretty rough. Why don't you just try stamps.com? Wait, what's stamps.com? Great question.

Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right... Oh, yeah! God damn it, Manscaped Man. That's right. Fuck the post office right in the ear hole. You don't need to send shit when the only gift in your sack is Manscaped's ProPilot Ball Shaver Deluxe. We are losing so much money now. You're going to want to jingle your balls when you carve any sight of secondary sexual characteristics off your body like a roman emperor trying to destroy the memory of a war rival that can't possibly be

the copy and now you can buy dude wipes ball dude wipe your balls the wipe that lets you wipe your balls of the disgusting sloth that accumulates there by the second i don't have that nobody has that that's not manscaped flip your dad's dune buggy and get paralyzed we're gonna get an there by the second. I don't have that. Nobody has that. That's not a thing. Manscaped. Flip your dad's dune buggy and get paralyzed. We're going to get

in so much trouble. Yeah, we sure are. Every month since December of last year, we've spent a few minutes highlighting alternative holidays that atheists can consider for their annual celebrations. And ultimately, it can't stay a monthly bit long term because there are only so many holidays, but we're not ready to give it up just yet.

So we've each decided to choose one more holiday from any time in the year that you might want to consider for next year in 2020's final holiday buffet. All right. So the holiday I chose is called Kanamara Matsuri. I almost chose this one. Excellent. What we're commemorating. Dicks. Where it's celebrated. Kawasaki, Japan.

When it's celebrated. The first Sunday in April. Best aspect. Dicks. Worst aspect. I guess sometimes there'll be like a hair that gets wrapped around the head of it when you're asleep and if you don't remove it in the right direction,

it becomes a temporary dick garrote. It's just not a problem Heath and I can relate to. Okay, speak for yourself. I have very long, Okay, speak for yourself. I have very long, perfectly straight pubic hair. There you go. Also happens when you sleep with other people. How it's celebrated.

All right, so in the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that we did talk about Kanemaru Matsuri way, way long ago on this show at length. It was back on episode 160. There was an atheist activist that tried to use this celebration as an occasion to put a giant penis statue with Donald Trump's face on it in the Florida Capitol building.

There's a 30 seconds on the clock about it and everything. But since that was all the hell way back in February of 2016 and the intervening five years have been 36 years long. And since this was before Eli was on the show, I feel like we can go back to this well again. Yeah. And to be fair, before I was on the show, I feel like we can go back to this well again.

Yeah. And to be fair, before I was on the show, you could talk about a penis holiday without asking yourself in the back of your mind, if legally that was a wise choice. So yeah, you didn't have to ask it as loud anyway.

Okay. So yeah. So Kanamara Matsuri is a Shinto holiday and the term literally translates to festival of the steel phallus, which should be enough to earn a spot on your 2021 calendar right there. Basically, it's a giant citywide bachelorette party, just like dick-shaped everything. Dick

candy, dick costumes, dick flags, dick statues, vegetables carved into dicks. And there's also a Makoshi parade in which a giant metal penis is carried through the main thoroughfare in an ornate sacred palanquin. Okay. I mean, it sounds pretty cool, but honestly, the penis

is disappointing to me. You know, like artistically, it's just it's meh. Yeah. I was going to ask if they have a festival of the penis that's still down to clown, but just ate Thai food. So maybe we just do mutual mouth stuff. I'm asking for a friend. How is mutual

mouth stuff better in a type? You know what? Never mind. Please don't tell me. So this holiday has a great story behind it. Granted, it's a thing from a religion, so there's a healthy dollop of misogyny undergirding it. Misogyny at the penis festival?

Yeah, at the literal sausage fest. Yeah, but it's worth recounting nonetheless. It all starts on a dark and stormy night when an evil demon who is described as both jealous and sharp-toothed took up residence inside the vagina of a woman he fell in love with you know this isn't gonna go well all right so that works fine for a while i guess but then she gets married and on her wedding night the demon gets nudged awake by a fucking penis suddenly taking up his whole apartment so he bites it off ah she could have gotten $3,500

a month for that vagina in Manhattan. I know that's a rent joke, but she could have got a lot more than that for a vagina in Manhattan. Maybe not anymore. Alright, so he dies from the wound. She spends some appropriate amount of time in mourning and then winds up getting married a second time because 14th century sexual

mores made stories way longer than they have to be. So when this wedding night ends with another bitten off penis, she starts to grow concerned, which seems at least one penis too late. You know, just 20 marriages later. OK, all the pushpins and yarn are in my vagina. I don't know. I feel like there is a pattern. The Eli Bosnick story. Yeah. Yeah. But for you, it's a magic trick. Like where all these pushpins keep coming from?

All right, so anyway, she realizes she's got a vaginal tooth demon problem, but who do you see about something like that in feudal Japan? Well, her answer, which inexplicably turned out

to be correct, was blacksmith. Well, you know what they say, once you go blacksmith. Well done. All right, so she goes to the blacksmith. She says, hey, this demon

keeps biting off my husband's sticks. Do you something for that and without missing a beat he says giant metal dildo don't ask me why i keep it right here under the counter she takes the metal dildo home drives it home or you know maybe i don't know i does some mood stuff first i don't know but eventually she drives it home demon bites down he breaks off all his teeth on the metal dildo and runs away in embarrassment it It's gotta be an awkward moment while he's struggling out. Yeah, right. Don't look at my face.

I'm mad about this. Stop. Give me a second. Do you go to the emergency room for dental stuff or is there like a dental emergency? I'll ask someone. Alright, so now the legend by the way, actually her problems are now over because whoever wrote it really didn't think over the prospect of having a vagina full of sharp, loose demon

teeth. Apparently, just use one of those heavy duty pads that week. Right. What? Soak them right up. That's going to do it. So the original metallic penis has been lost to history, obviously. But if there's one thing that Japan has in abundance, it's artists willing to craft a penis at a moment's notice.

So even now, there are multiple penis shrines in Kawasaki that prostitutes pray to for protection against STDs. So these three shrines go on a parade during Kanamaru Matsuri, where they're joined by all the like decorations that we talked about earlier. decorations that we talked about earlier. And though I'm sure that prudery of American sensibilities would show up and be resistance to transplanting some parade like that to our shores, the good news is that it's Shinto and that's a religion. And according to the Supreme Court, if it's a religion, there is no law. Your hometown is required to let you have a giant Shinto dick parade. Absolutely.

Yes, they are. Well, as long as you sincerely hold the dick. Yeah, exactly. You got to sincerely hold the dick. And, and, who looks like a toothless demon

that lived in a vagina for too long? Mitch McConnell. That's right. We can end the parade at his house. Keep it topical. Hell yeah.

Got you some taffy, buddy. Check it out. And speaking of which, by the way, if you need any more reason to celebrate this holiday next year i should emphasize that it's celebrated on the first sunday in april and that means that in 2021 at least it'll coincide with easter fucking sunday nice which is a perfect day

for a dick parade and you know what let's be honest finding eggs makes way more sense for a penis-based holiday than for a bunny themed one anyway. Yeah, better yet, what makes an egg hunt more exciting for the kids than a dick javelin hunt for Christians going on perch style at the same time? Run little Timmy. Well, Eli closed another one of my bits on dick javelins

so I guess that's over now Heath. What holiday did you choose? Classic comedy close right there. I chose Takanakui. What we're commemorating. The ancient Quechua tradition of punching people

in the face on Christmas Day. Nice. Where it's celebrated. The mountains of Peru and anywhere with a PS5. So the mountains of Peru. That's correct. When it's celebrated. December 25th and also the next day for the elite competitors,

which works out well because that's Boxing Day. Nice. Punching. Boxing is fun. Best aspect. It acknowledges that most human beings deserve to get punched in the face way more often than they actually do. That's just a fact. So they made a dedicated holiday to make sure you get a chance to fix that at least once a year.

Okay. Noah, as the person on this podcast who I'm pretty sure has deservedly been punched in the face the most times, I feel appropriated by Heath's holiday. I've deserved a lot of punches in the face, I'll be honest. Did you get them all? No, I didn't get all of them, but I got some. I feel like I got more.

We'll do a score thing later. Sorry. Worst aspect. Ted Cruz does not live in the mountains how it's celebrated punching people in the face and other hitting it's really easy to celebrate the word takanakui is literally keshwa for to hit each other. Nice. The tradition started in Santo Tomas, the capital of the Chumbivilcas province in the Andes Mountains. Everyone in the town would get together on December 25th

and have a series of drunken fights where you get to settle all the grudges you have from that past year. And it's such a great idea that it's now spread to other parts of the country too. Okay, but what if you suck at punching? Right? I'm just supposed to limply bang my wrists against Heath's ankles once a year

while tearfully sobbing that he's still 11 points ahead of me in the elbow touching game we invented in Australia? You are supposed to do that. You should be able to hire a punch surrogate. Okay, all right. Yeah, so I guess the best thing about fist fights is the way they, checks notes,

alleviate grudges in Peru. It fixes everything. Awesome. It worked on my hockey team, but yeah, it doesn't really work in most of the real world. So the main theme that goes along with the village Kumite is the costume element. Everyone dresses up as one of the five traditional characters based on Andean cultural symbols. The first character is called the Maheno, and they wear horse riding gear.

That means wool pants, a leather hat, a Harrington jacket, and a hollowed out bull's horn to hold a whole bunch of alcohol. None of the other costumes have alcohol built into them, so that one's by far the most popular. Sure. And also, everyone wears a ski mask as part of the deal. Other costumes have alcohol built into them. So that one's by far the most popular. Sure. Yeah.

And also everyone wears a ski mask as part of the deal. That's actually part of all the costumes. And the idea is to conceal everyone's identity so you don't start new grudges for the coming year. Wait. So you just fight people randomly then? Yeah. Not entirely. I was fine. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I kicked Steve's ass for fucking my goat this summer.

But, you know, that could have been Walter. Yeah, right. No, unless you have a grudge against random strangers or one of the five traditional Andean cultural symbols. I'm not sure what problem we're solving here. All right. Well, I'll get to it. The next character is called the Karawatana, And they wear a leather biker jacket, leather cowboy chaps,

which are all assless. All chaps are assless. And they put a dead bird or a deer skull on their head. This is the most popular character for kids. Obviously. Apparently the kids fight sometimes too. Oh! Oh! No, no. The adults

are not allowed to fight the kids. Damn it. I'm back in last place. Well, yep. That was definitely his question. Good work. So there's also a character called the Negro. That's just the word for black.

So it's not problematic, except it definitely is problematic because the Negro costume is a colonial slave master outfit. Yeah. According to Wikipedia, they wear high knee leather boots fancy pants a dress shirt and a waistcoat a silk embroidered cape in pink or baby blue and a cardboard crown with shiny wrapping paper and a star on top all right but to be fair if

you're dressing up to get punched in the face, you fucking nailed it. Slave master. That's good. Yeah. So the slave master costume was traditionally worn by the rich people in town, but now it's become the standard for the top ranked fighters to wear it. And apparently this character has to dance around in circles like a rooster as part of the deal. Yeah, it's not clear if you just have to do that before the fight or if you have to incorporate circular rooster dancing

into your fighting style. But it's one of those things, I think. I mean, if you're gonna dress up as a slave owner, you better be a good fighter. I can see how that transition happened. I want that guy in Bloodsport now. The rooster dance guy. Yes! Alright, well one other important detail is

the alcohol situation. You say that a lot. You do say that a lot. It's important. So as a pregame, they have several entire days of drinking that lead up to the hunt. Wow! Yeah. And then on the 25th, before the parade, everyone has breakfast

together at the local church, and they all get violently drunk. Breakfast drunk is the best kind of drunk to fist fight. That's true. Absolutely correct. Scientifically proven. So once they finally get to the battleground, everyone starts just listing the people

who wronged them because this holiday is fucking amazing. They all start calling out the people they want to beat up for like ordering coffee too slow or putting up a spite fence or whatever they did. Cheating at the elbow game, whatever. I'm winning 45 to 12. That's the current score. So I'm assuming they have some kind of scheduling system to figure out who fights whom when and they go through each of the one on one battles like that.

The only rules are no biting, no hitting people once they're down, and no pulling hair. And you win by knockout or referee stoppage. And apparently the refs carry whips to hit people in the crowd if they try to interfere. And at the end of every bout, the fighters have to shake hands or

hug. Sorry, taking notes for our next live show at the pit. Whips if the crowd tries to interfere. Sorry, taking notes for our next live show at the pit. Whips if the crowd tries to interfere. Also, there is an appeal system. If you don't agree with the outcome of the fight, you can demand a rematch.

It's only a flesh wound. And once all the fights and all the, you know, theoretically infinite string of appeals fights are finished, everyone gets drunk together to numb the pain. And the big winners, they move on to the tournament of champions the next day in the village of Yike,

including fighters of all genders and ages. So I can fight a little girl. Noah lied to me. Noah lied. Definitely not what I just said. And then on the 27th, everyone nurses their giant hangover and starts making a new log of all

the people they want to beat up next year. There you go. Alright, definitely a contender for the best punching-based holiday. Eli, what do you have for us? Right? St. Lucy's Day. What we're commemorating. According to Wikipedia, we're celebrating quote, Lucia of Syracuse, an early 4th century virgin martyr.

No, she wasn't. Under the Diocletanic persecution. Oh, I also know. Who, according to legend. There it is. Yep. Brought food and aid to Christians hiding in the Roman catacombs, wearing a candlelit wreath on her head to light her way

and leave her hands free to carry as much food as possible. Where it's celebrated. Mostly Scandinavia and Italy, with the Scandinavian celebrations being as pagan as possible, and the Italian celebrations aiming to be as creepy as possible. Wow, as creepy as Italians can manage.

That's pretty fucking creepy. Woof. When it's celebrated. December 13th. And after a year of doing this segment, it's damn nice not to have to mention a moon cycle. Can I just say that? It's nice to have a day. Best aspect.

Pre-Christmas Christmas presents. That's pretty sweet. Worst aspect. Accidentally setting your youngest daughter on fire. This better not be another JonBenet Ramsey holiday, Eli. To be fair, it's around Christmas. Let me tell that story. Anyways.

How it's celebrated. So before we get to the delightful celebrations, it's worth going over the story of St. Lucy herself. Now, luckily for Atheist Comedy Podcast, Lucy comes with the period of sainthood only remembered in hagiographies, which are the biographies of saints released by the church.

But the great thing about hagiographies is that they are to history what facts are to my citation needed essays. So we get awesome stories like Lucy's. How many unique words does an organization have to have for untrue story that we keep propagating anyway

before people get done. Why do we have a podcast? If I may quote once again from Wikipedia, a devout Christian who had taken a vow of virginity, her mother betrothed her to a pagan. She was seeking help for her mother's long-term illness at the shrine of St. Agatha when the saint appeared to her in a dream beside the shrine. St. Agatha told Lucy that illness would be cured through faith, and Lucy was able to convince her mother to cancel the wedding and donate the dowry to the poor. Saint Agatha reappears. Okay, kind of thought

I was clear when I was talking to you. You donate to my shrine is what you do. You donate to my shrine the money. You're killing your mother, Lucy. You're killing your mother. It continues, enraged, her suitor then reported her to the governor for being a Christian. According to the legend, glad Wikipedia clarified that again for us, she was threatened to be taken to a brothel if she did not renounce her Christian beliefs.

But they were unable to move her even with a thousand men and fifty oxen pulling, end quote. I'm not sure if that's related to the brothel threat, but if it is. Nice. Okay, that whole pulling situation is a logistical nightmare. Right? There's no way you're getting that to do something useful.

Look, a thousand men and 50 oxen is, first of all, a weird human to ox ratio, but also, how did it get that far? Right? Because on the way, at some point, you've got like this chick tied with a half dozen lines plus and then there's a couple hundred people, a dozen ox or so. They're just digging dirt in the heels with their feet. They're like, you know

what we need to do? Call in reinforcements. What the fuck? More oxes. Yeah. This is like a Ouija board. We got to line up the vectors. This is nuts. Whatija board. We got to line up the vectors. This is nuts. What direction are you guys pulling? So straight.

What do you mean straight? The hagiography continues, quote, Instead, they stacked materials for a fire around her and set light to it, but she would not stop speaking, insisting that her death would lessen the fear of it for other Christians and bring grief to nonbelievers. One of the soldiers stuck a spear through her throat to stop these denouncements, but to no effect. Really?

Another, yeah, another gouged out her eyes in an attempt to force her into complacency, but her eyes were miraculously restored. Okay. St. Lucy was only able to die when she was given the christian last rights end quote well then fuck the guy who gave her last rights is she gonna be a christian superhero she could have been deadpool she could have yeah that's the story and then the next paragraph is like oh yeah something something catacombs candles on her head. So with that as a backstory, you're probably thinking little girls and festive treats, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Well, that's the holiday. Now, I should point out that in Italy, boo, it's basically just another fucking excuse for mask. But in the Nordic countries of Norway, Sweden, and Finland, the celebration is categorized a lot more merrily. Traditionally, the youngest daughter of the families in town are made St. Lucy, and they march with cookies, saffron cakes, and a headdress made of candles through town. So after the parade, everyone eats the saffron cake I mentioned earlier, or as they call it, the lucicote,

along with other Swedish delicacies like blood sausage, blood soup, and Swedish pancakes. Plus, in some places, kids get to open their per- Damn it. Oh my God. Seriously. That's right, knuckle fuckers. It's Manscaped Man. You have to stop him. I ground up eight Tylenol PMs in his mango nectar.

Penises, fighting? Why not combine the two this year with the battle against your pubes holiday? Manscapedmas. Please stop. The only thing that should be under your tree this year is the Rectal Ripper 3000. This smooth functioning semi-automatic rectal razor is guaranteed to remove the first three layers of skin from your butthole, leaving you as smooth as the black ice that killed my parents. What is happening right now?

And don't forget to pick up the urethral cleansing vibranium neodegreaser. They'll leave your urethra smelling fresh and clean like flowers on my parents' graves. Okay. All right. Good holiday buffet, guys. Yeah. Merry Christmas, everybody. Nailed it.

Gentlemen, I believe you mean Merry Manscapedmas. Nope. Definitely didn't mean that. If you'll refer to line 26 of your sponsorship contract. Uh-huh. See right there in the second paragraph, the greetings and sign-offs section. Yeah, I see. And Andrew has been over this?

Yeah, he has reviewed it extensively, yes. All right, Merry Manscapedmas, everybody. Right, Merry Manscaped-mas, everybody. Right. Merry manscaped-mas. I never got to say goodbye. You made our podcast so fucking weird. Before I lay a finger on the side of my nose this week, I wanted to thank everybody who popped in

to help make our fundraiser last weekend such a success. And all kidding aside, congratulations to Thomas and Andrew for doing yeoman's work on such an important subject and raising a ton of money for something that mattered so goddamn much. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait,

be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend got off a movie, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously the outro music would just play on an endless loop. If I neglected to thank Heath,

the wreath and right for making the holiday rounds. I want to thank Eli, the tree guy, Bosnick for always rising to the holiday occasion. I need to thank Lucinda who will be back with more swim next week. Probably. I also want to thank Elmo for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. This is a very busy time of year for him,

but he still made it happen. But most of all, of course I want to thank this week's merriest mammals, Yosef, Barbara, Adam, Nick, Dan, Anthony, Brandon, Ronald, Benjamin, James, featuring a new invisible character who doesn't talk and Ray. Yosef, Barbara, Adam, and Nick,

who are only the nicest kind of naughty. Dan, Anthony, Brandon, and Ronald, whose condoms are great for tossing trees the day after Christmas. And Benjamin, James, invisible character, and Ray, who are sharper than a weaponized candy cane. Together, this dozen delightful doubters dispense the dollop of dough to our devious dissections of doctrinal delusions this week by giving us money.

If you, too, think we don't have enough money, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingadeus, whereby you earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but nobody has spare money the week of Christmas, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres,

Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that he was using in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. Sorry, Morgan, I got another line here. I'm going to throw it in in just a second. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm, LLC.

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