The Scathing Atheist - 411: Dumpster Extinguisher Edition

Episode Date: December 31, 2020

In this week’s episode, Churches PPP themselves and make us clean it up, Matt Powell debunks the duck-billed dinosaur surfing wing of evolution theory, and 2020 will fu*% off and die. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: To learn more about volunteering time (or donating) to the Senate runoff races in Georgia, click here: https://fairfight.com/ --- Headlines: Matt Powell claims evolution tells us there were surfing monkeys 34,000,000 years ago: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/28/creationist-evolution-tells-us-there-were-surfing-monkeys-34000000-years-ago/ Church facing $1 million in COVID fines received over $300K in PPP loans: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/26/a-church-facing-1-million-in-covid-fines-received-over-340000-in-ppp-loans/ Jeffress: The COVID Vaccines Scientists Made Are a “Christmas Present from God”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/25/jeffress-the-covid-vaccines-scientists-made-are-a-christmas-present-from-god/ MS Gov. Issues Pointless “Day of Prayer, Humility, and Fasting” Proclamation: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/16/ms-gov-issues-pointless-day-of-prayer-humility-and-fasting-proclamation/ Nebraska Governor Who Downplayed COVID Proclaims “Day of Prayer” to Beat COVID: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/19/nebraska-governor-who-downplayed-covid-proclaims-day-of-prayer-to-beat-covid/ EW Jackson: “GA Democratic voters might as well spit in Jesus’s face” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/22/e-w-jackson-democratic-voters-in-georgia-may-as-well-spit-in-jesus-face/ and Franklin Graham warns that Dems would give LGBTQ people rights: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/28/evangelist-if-wicked-democrats-win-in-georgia-lgbtq-people-will-have-rights/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Ravi Zacharias Story: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/24/ravi-zacharias-did-engage-in-sexual-misconduct-says-the-apologists-ministry/ Anti-abortion group gives Trump award for “promoting culture of life” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/28/anti-abortion-group-gives-donald-trump-award-for-promoting-a-culture-of-life/

Warning, this is the last chance to run up our profanity score for 2020. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by dog-terrifying PTSD inducers. Dog-terrifying PTSD inducers. Because you could just watch fireworks on your fucking TV and they'd be way better than the shit you could afford anyway, but then I wouldn't know how hard to go fuck myself. And now, the skating atheist.

Hi, this is Jay, an undergraduate student studying biology here in Washington State. And I'm here to assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Also, we're all African apes, so cut it out with that racism bullshit. It's Thursday. It's December 31st. And it's the last time we'll be able to blame this show on 2020. No, it's not. No.

No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Bill O'Reilly's New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State, and Redtown Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist. Oh! This week's episode, churches PPP themselves and make us clean, clean, clean it up. Matt Powell debunks the duck-billed dinosaur surfing wing of evolution.

And 2020 will fuck off and die. Yeah, it will. But first, the Diatribe. I know how weird this is to say, but I'm hesitant to say that this is the last day of 2020. I mean, I know it is, and nothing that I'm going to say is going to change that,

but the way this year has gone, I feel like there's like a 10% chance that scientists are going to discover some previously unknown double leap year shit or something, and we're going to end up with a December 32nd just because that's how hard we can fuck ourselves this year. Okay, that seems impossible. But imagine that like somebody in Trump's inner circle just came up with this calendric mishavisham scheme

where we just keep adding days to December so we never really reach Biden's inauguration. Given what 2020 has taught us about this world, how confident can we possibly be that that isn't going to happen? I mean, look, we have a bit of a habit of trying to assign personalities to years you remember back in 2016 when everybody made a big deal about how many celebrities died that year but then you go back and you look at the numbers it was just a perfectly average number of celebrity deaths in 2016 it just happened that early in the

year we got it in our collective heads that this was the dead celebrity year and it became a meme you know it's just like when you learn a heads that this was the dead celebrity year and it became a meme. You know, it's just like when you learn a new word and suddenly you encounter it everywhere. And it's not that it got more common. It's that you got more aware of it. And to some extent, that actually is what happened in 2020. Right. I mean, a lot of people are doing the big breathless lists to summarize 2020. And they're including all the shit like wildfires and floods and murder hornets.

But like, that's just the shit that happens in years right i'm not trying to downplay natural disasters of course they're terrible but every year has them as terrible as they are they don't distinguish 2020 from any other year so the idea that this year has just been one thing after another after another is true because that's how time works right at a certain point we made a meme out of adding this list of shit that went wrong together so it seems like it's a really long list but that perception actually threatens to camouflage what actually went wrong with this year so to be clear 2020 was a historically terrible time to be alive but it was because of two things

not some comedically bloated list. The first, obviously, is the pandemic. And the second, just as obviously, is Trump's malevolent form of anti-leadership. You know, he got worse every year of his presidency, and thus every year was the worst year of his term. And when you couple that with the abnormally high stakes because of the first thing you get the year that your grandkids will get sick of hearing you bitch about and as tempting as it is to use this moment to bid it an unceremonious get the fuck out i think it's more important than ever that we remind ourselves that new year's day is just an arbitrary spot on the calendar

i mean it doesn't even have astronomical significance. I mean, I have no doubt that 2021 will be a better year. We have multiple vaccines now. Trump is out of office in a few weeks. Breath of the Wild 2 is supposed to come out. All solid advances. But there are also a lot of things about 2020 that cannot be undone. I mean, the most obvious, of course, are the deaths. Over a third of a million people just in the U.s very nearly two million people worldwide and let's be clear the real numbers are almost certainly way higher than that but we lost a lot more than lives this year we also forever lost that comforting illusion that deep down most of us are good people we're not i mean maybe a bare majority of us are, but even that suspect at this point, what we know for sure is that way more people in this country are morally bankrupt than we were ever willing to admit before.

I mean, we knew we were stupid, right? Like even the most patriotic Homer in America had to admit that we were dumber than most countries. And that's how we explained Trump away in 2016. We convinced ourselves that we were just too stupid to see what he was and what he was going to do. But we couldn't use that excuse again in 2020. I mean, sure, Biden won, but his margin was nowhere near decisive enough to redeem us from the righteous judgment of history. And we can throw away this year's calendar or beat it up with baseball bats and set it on fire, whatever you have to do. But we're never going to rid ourselves of the knowledge that more than a third of this country

would burn it all down over their God-given right to hate gay people. Ultimately, when we look back on 2020 as a society, we'll probably try to blur that part out as much as we can. We're going to dwell on the feel-good stories about communities coming together and medical workers persevering and normal people coping online. And we'll dutifully focus on all the people who died,

but we won't focus on the people who killed them. We'll pretend that the anti-mask conspiracies were some tiny sliver of aberration rather than stuff like, you know, the entire town I live in.

I mean, maybe when you and I are gone, historians will start being honest about this, but mostly we're going to avoid those uncomfortable facts so that we can get back to lying to ourselves about how our neighbors are good deep down. And of course, when I say we, I mean they. I am not talking about us. Because while everybody else tries to reduce this past year to cultural symbols like people wearing masks, you and I are going to remember it as a year when a lot of people took their masks off. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Adios and Adieu to my Auf Wiedersehen, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to bid this year a firm fuck off? Fuck face, 2020. Damn right I am. Gonna lower a Joe Biden vaccine into my eyeball at the stroke of midnight,

Noah. God intended. Eli heard fuck your face and he's really committing to it. Yeah. Dedication. Alright, in our lead story tonight, we have a story about matthew tiberius power get the fuck excited this 25 year old tween makes me so goddamn happy so normally we have to sift

through these horrible headlines every week the vaccine ate my eyeball pastor fucks child yells ethnic slur gets hit in the face with a can twisted tea amy coney barrett didn't die again but every once in a while every once in a while the next headline after those is matt powell explaining that evolution is wrong because there were not surfing monkeys 34 million years ago. Yep. And that's exactly what happened this week. Yep.

Here at The Scathing Atheist, we look forward to Matty P releases like they're a Marvel premiere. You know, we line up outside of YouTube dressed like him. It's a blast. We have a lot of fun. No, I'm going to dress like a surfing monkey for the next one. But yeah. Called it. Yep. So Matt Powell made another

video. It's called Noah's Flood versus primitive superstition. What? Which is not how the word versus works. No. Not a great start. And he's out in the snow

in this sad little field of scrub land near his mom's basement where he lives wearing an all black suit. Like he's at a funeral for suburban sprawl or something.

He just came from there. He's ridiculous. He looks like Slender Boy, the origin story for Slender Man. Or like Slender Man's rejected sidekick just so that he never becomes badass.

He's sitting on a stool that he very clearly flipped backwards for no reason. Because, you know, that's nothing when it's a stool. There's no backwards that way. And he starts by saying, I made this video

to school all those theistic evolutionists out there in the silliest possible way to sit on a stool. Drops the mic, walks away. Yeah, so according to Matty P, here's the problem with evolution. Quote, we've already verified and proven that evolution is nothing more than a fairy tale. This is where he literally waves his hand. Yes, he does.

These are not the evolutions you're looking for. Continuing. In order for evolution to be true, monkeys would have had to surf from Africa to South America 34 million years ago on rafts. The only way that monkeys could have got there, since they found monkey fossils there that weren't supposed to be there. Pause to remember how if-then works as a concept. Continuing.

Wave your hands again. Wave your hands again. It helps. Wave it back for the if-then. We got really confused with if then here but he continued according to evolution because monkeys were in africa the only way they could have got there according to evolution theory was surfing the ocean blue end quote okay one amazing weird use of poetic language there at the end the ocean ocean blue. Yeah, that was very strange. He repeated it. Two,

this is fucking amazing because I think this is based on Noah's Ark. Yeah. Right? So he's debunking evolution because where did monkeys on Noah's Ark go? Yup! And his answer, by the way, is before you

say it, monkeys can't surf. Okay, but here's the thing. To be clear, answer, by the way, is before you say it, monkeys can't surf. Here's the thing. To be clear, that is how monkeys got to South America. I mean, they didn't surf, obviously, but they got there on these big-ass vegetation rafts, which exist. As far-fetched as that sounds, your thing is 900-year-old guy made a fucking big boat with magic. We've seen these rafts they're large

enough to hold a breeding population as shit i'm sorry i'm sorry did you have some other explanation for the 34 million year old fossils you just admitted existed maybe the fossils surf what yeah well from there he gives well the exact same speech again yeah but it's about duck-billed dinosaurs why did the turkey cross the road so in case he wasn't clear the first time he explains how it would also be ridiculous to claim that duck-billed dinosaurs could surf to africa across the ocean and then he accidentally tells the truth about Christianity. He does. According to Slender Boy, quote,

if you're still going to believe in evolution, but say, no, the surfing monkeys and the surfing dinosaurs is ridiculous, that's like being a Christian and claiming not to believe the resurrection. The resurrection is part of Christianity, just as surfing monkeys and surfing dinosaurs is a part of evolution theory. Without it, evolution doesn't work. Without the resurrection,

Christianity doesn't work. End quote. I mean, he gets there. I don't like the path, but he does get there. I'm like, dude, your guy walks on water. Why would you bring up

unrealistic water crossings as a subject, man? To stay away from water stuff, man. It's not. It's never good for you. The monkeys didn't even turn it into wine along the way. Or did they? So the entire video is six minutes and 42 seconds. And it's delightful for so many reasons.

He's trying so fucking hard, but it goes so badly. At one point, he literally says, the dictionary defines the word faith as any actually gives us the dictionary definition of the word faith. But the absolute best part is watching Matt Powell get increasingly

way too fucking cold and try to run. Yes, yes. But the added pressure of trying to plow through it makes him fuck up his lines even more than normal. So the last few minutes of this thing have an edit about once every 10 seconds. And he's a little bit angrier and more panicked by the cold each time he comes back in after the edit. It's the best. Yeah, it's always weird to end your sermon with, done, fuck, can I have cocoa with marshmallows now, mom?

And in putting the greed and egregious news tonight, Pastor Mike McClure of the Calvary Baptist Church in San Jose, California is apparently furious that he got left out of my new book, Outbreak, A Crisis of Faith, How Religion Ruined Our Global Pandemic, and will be damned to hell if he's going to miss the sequel. His strong bid to be its antagonist came into view last week when we learned that his church,

which has been fined over a million goddamn dollars for holding maskless, undistant services throughout the entire goddamn pandemic in open defiance of both local health departments and state regulations also received over a third of a million dollars in ppp loans yeah i'm just disappointed i paid someone to commit murder and they didn't send me a toe as proof that the job was done you know it's just yeah tara reed's not happy but if they sincerely hold her toe she has to give it up yep it's not fair but you know who's the fucking nihilist around here all right so quick reminder in case the people on Facebook are as stupid for you as they are for me the very fact that churches are

getting government subsidies to pay their employees is a despicable violation of church state separation that directly conflicts with all the exemptions they claim to shit like, you know, taxes and anti-discrimination laws. So all by itself, that should be plenty to piss you off. But in this asshole's case, the church never even shut down. The whole point of the PPP, that's the Paycheck Protection Program, was to give businesses that had to close down money

so that they could retain their employees so as much as it pains me to admit our supreme court has made distinct categories out of these two it's entirely possible that this offense is both unconstitutional and against the law no while you were saying that the supreme court just ruled that circle circle dot dot was the law but now it's not oh yeah right exactly rhymes love supreme court decisions that rhyme it's important now there's been a remarkable forgiveness on the part of the federal government when it comes to bilking these funds like an insane number of businesses and individuals that receive money under false pretenses have been allowed to go like

oh my bad and then just give it back as though they just got caught trying to sneak one of the cupcakes before the party and the only reason i'm not certain that we're going to see the same thing happen here is i'm kind of doubt this asshole's going to give back the money yeah and in shot in the armor of god news right wing pastor and owner of evolution's officially laziest made ears. Robert Jeffress couldn't end the year without spiking our blood pressure one last time, namely by claiming credit for the life saving vaccine that has finally arrived, calling it, quote, a Christmas present from God. Who could have predicted? Hey, wasn't the president saying something about like injecting bleach

and coal or something? I forget what he said. God's sitting next to the tree all unappreciated and harumphy. He's like, I don't know what you're making such a big deal about. I also got you the antidote. That was me. It was mine. I called it.

Fuck you. God signed the card on what mom got her. that was me I did mine I called it me fuck you God signed the card on what mom so regular listeners to the show will remember Jeffress for calling COVID

quote background noise three months ago well just like the sound machine that keeps my baby asleep but turns out that background noise

is really really fucking important, which means it was time for Jeffords to switch gears and take credit, saying, quote, for the past 10 months, millions of Americans have been praying to God, asking for relief from this pandemic.

And I believe God has answered that prayer through these vaccines. I'm calling these vaccines an early Christmas present from God, and it shouldn't surprise us that God would use science to bring healing into our world. Jesus. Okay. It's not that fucking early of a Christmas present.

It's pretty late compared to the beginning of the thing. Maybe pray for world-saving medicine to be a little faster next time. I don't know if praying is your thing. It's weird for you to put a long fuse on that. Why would you do that? Especially since it happened before last Christmas. That's when the disease started. Yeah.

19. It's COVID. Yeah, that's right. Well, I love that because based on the speed, it's either really, really fast for science or way too slow for God. And if what Jeffress says sounds like convenient bullshit made up in a desperate attempt to cape

for God's failure, don't worry. Jeffress has you covered because sometimes scientists believe in God. Checkmate. Quote. What's happening? I mean, after all, in the past, people like Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal and Louis Pasteur were not just men of science, but men of faith who believed God created this world in an orderly way that could be studied and benefited from, end quote.

And I'm also I'm sure there was also a scientist that lived in a century that's next to the one that we live in on the timeline who believed my shit too. I just can't come up with any names is all. And thanks to Isaac Newton's very solemn prayer, the derivative of X squared is 2X, and we're welcome. That's good. And one last reminder, Jeffress isn't just unfairly claiming credit for the solution.

He's part of the problem. Let's not forget that he hosted a literal super spreader event in his church in June and has been encouraging other churches to unsafely reopen since the very beginning of the pandemic. So, yeah, Robert Jeffress, really Eiffel Towering this problem from both ends. And on that note, we're going to pause for a moment and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage.

If you've never heard of Ravi Zacharias, I totally forgive you. He was an incredibly insignificant person. But if your husband suckers you into reading bullshit Christian books, you'll know the name. For decades, he was one of the leading authors in the world of Christian apologetics.

And he was well known enough that when he died in May, top-ranking U.S. evangelical Mike Pence spoke at his funeral. And then about six minutes after he was interred, the sexual assault allegations started rolling in. See, in addition to his ministry, Zacharias owned a couple of health spas in Georgia. And according to multiple former employees, he had been, quote, sexually out of control with a female therapist over whom he had professional power, end quote. An investigative report in Christianity Today is a little more explicit. report in Christianity Today is a little more explicit. They had three women on record that say he, quote, touched them inappropriately, exposed himself, and masturbated during regular

treatment, end quote. This went on for years. Now, to their credit, when these allegations surfaced, the ministry did hire a law firm to conduct an outside investigation and have been open about the findings so far. But how low is the fucking bar before that's even worth mentioning? They didn't lie to cover up the crimes of a dead man, and at this point, that's more than we can expect from a ministry. And the whole thing is yet another reminder

that the louder a Christian proclaims their moral authority, the more immoral they turn out to have been the entire time. That kind of hypocrisy springboards me into our next story pretty nicely, and that's the most recent press release from Operation Rescue. Quick refresher, they're the Kansas anti-abortion group most directly associated with the 2009 assassination of Dr. George Tiller. After years of disseminating manufactured propaganda against him, he was eventually killed by an Operations rescue supporter that had donated thousands of dollars to the group and got information about Dr. Tiller's whereabouts from their senior policy advisor. Now, you'd think that

a group that inspired murder like that would have already reached peak hypocrisy when it came to calling themselves pro-life. But every year, the group gives out what they call the Malachi Award for service to the pro-life movement. Well, this gives out what they call the melachi award for service to the pro-life movement well this year they decided that the person that best exemplified the pro-life stance was none other than donald fucking trump the man responsible for the most american deaths since the guy who invented gunpowder it's funny originally i thought about doing a misogyny year in review thing for this segment but then i saw that story and i was like how could any summary encapsulate 2020 better than a story

about an anti-abortion group patting donald trump for quote building a culture of life end quote and on that note i'll hand things back over to noah heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Knots and Squares news, as the pandemic rages its way across our nation, decimating the population and medical structure of parts of the country that believed it would go untouched by COVID-19, many of the governors responsible for the early opening of states and therefore the deaths of thousands have had to take a good hard look at themselves in the mirror this week and declare a day of prayer yep great so okay just a thought if remote god magic works maybe just uh i don't know stop going to church in person and spreading the fucking plague that you're praying about now there you go there you

go and hey the correct response in the event that remote God magic doesn't work is the same one. Either way I do that. Win, win, win, win. Yeah, that's right. Instead of the badly needed lockdowns that will save countless lives, several governors who have been part of the problem from the very start have issued proclamations asking their constituents to think real hard and solve covid yep because if there's one thing these governors are bad at it's thinking yeah yeah they always say thoughts

and prayers and i'm always thinking it's one or the other dude you gotta pick yeah so first up comes mississippi governor tate reeves who looks like they're coming out with a new line of commercials about a mac a pc and a computer filled with child porn. He declared a statewide day of prayer, humility, and fasting saying, quote, we know that there is power in prayer. In fact, it is what God commands us to do. As we have done throughout the history of this country, we will go to the Lord and ask for his protective hand over us end quote uh also uh let's also pray for god to tell my face that i'm not a baby who's proud about shitting just now that would be great so i can talk about real things without looking like an insane person like i

always do and last and certainly least as a human being nebr Governor Pete Ricketts, who rejected the idea of mask mandates because they, quote, create resistance, end quote. What? To the virus? Yep. Like physical resistance? Like he puts them on in a way that he can't breathe at certain point?

So unclear. But he's probably fucked his state the hardest. So he declared his day of prayer in the fanciest, most capital letters. So God would see him first. Yeah. So this proclamation and you should check the link in the show notes because there's a picture of it and it's fucking nuts. It's all decked out to look like a medieval page of the Bible with, I kid you not, monastically gold embroidered corn at the corners.

So weird. I'm pretty sure we're all invited to a bar mitzvah for a scarecrow. Something like that. So yeah, for those of you keeping score as the vaccine sweeps the country, protecting frontline healthcare workers and people most

vulnerable to the illness, the score is still something science negative a whole fucking bunch religion. And if you people most vulnerable to the illness, the score is still something science, negative a whole fucking bunch religion. Yep. And if you need specifics on that, check out Outbreak, a crisis of faith,

how religion ruined our global pandemic, now on Amazon. And finally tonight, in spit happens news, I got to spit in Jesus's face. And look, when it comes to aspirations, there are some things that go on your bucket list. There are some things that go on your vision board.

And there are some things that you don't even dare to dream about. And this was in the latter category. I figured, you know, dead for centuries. If he ever existed at all, time travel isn't logically possible. Even it was. I'm pretty sure somebody wouldn't let me do that. And I left it at that. But somehow I managed it still. And if it hadn't been for Christian radio host and COVID surviving COVID denier E.W. Jackson,

I might not even have realized it. But luckily for me, he said that Georgia voters who cast their ballots for Raphael Warnock and John Ossoff in the upcoming Senate runoff, quote, might as well spit in Jesus's face because because warnock and ossoff have both done that end quote okay i'm pretty sure that was ossoff's great great great grandpa or something come on we don't know which of the jews did what but in fairness that great great grandpa was blind and jesus spat in his face and said you're welcome and grandpa was you know still blind because that's nothing so he just spat yeah right right exactly jesus didn't have a big problem with spitting in people's faces as i recall his thing so yeah after a long lamentation

about how both of them are pro-abortion and advocates for lgbtq rights he points out that those are foolish positions and since psalm 14 tells us that the fool says in his heart that there is no God. That must mean that Warnock and Ossoff don't believe in God. Despite half of them being a pastor. And while your head is trying to reverse engineer his logic on that, he adds, quote, if you vote for them, you might as well vote against god end quote so

on the off chance that you're a registered voter in georgia and you were still on the fence about finding a stamp you got that going for you okay but now based on what we know from this year's election if god were on the ballot 40 of this country would be like, yes, he did turn a lady to salt, but Hunter Biden had a computer, y'all. A computer. Please interview me in a major news publication to search for my humanity. It's not there.

It's not there. Hey, Tucker. So, of course, EW wasn't the only bloviating Baptist bigot promoting the upcoming election. A Christian evangelist and man who managed to sully a name known for outing a Teletubby, Franklin Graham, took time off of being an escaped sentient prototype

of the mashed spin-off of Hasbro's Mr. Potato headline to write a lengthy Facebook lament about the nation's future should the Democrats take control of the Senate. He looks like God decided to try one cube shaped human yeah right just to spice things up he was like i'll do one i've been shaping them all the same more or less

all right you know what that the cube thing not great mr mashed potato head not quite right i'm thinking uh loaded mashed potato so dust yeah loaded't know. Yes. So, dust? Yeah. Loaded with dust? I'm going to load them with dust. I'm the god of the universe. All right, so Franklin Graham's chief concern centers around the Equality Act, which would add sexual orientation and gender identity to the list of protected classes under the Civil Rights Act.

And he described the act, which literally does nothing but add LGBTQ peoplebtq people to a list of rights havers that already includes religious people as quote anything but equal and a quote attempt to rid our country of religious freedom protections end quote i mean to be fair at this point our country's religious freedom protections are freedom from all the laws so yes maybe yeah he's a cube you're a cube if time cube was a person there you go that's it it's it it's franklin graham nailed it all right so yeah for the record that's the kind of disinformation republican boosters are spreading in georgia right now that and three to seven daily mailers about what a radical socialist war knock is and how Jewish Ossoff is. On a related note, the Democratic campaigns are still looking for online volunteers to phone bank in the, you know, thus proverbially, Haka Lugi at the Lord.

So if you have time or money for that matter, be sure to check out the show notes for more details. And with that important reminder, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, we'll keep ignoring our mom's collective advice about what to do when you don't have anything nice to say. Well, if there's one thing that the end of 2020 tells us, it's that we really need to finish up the 2019 Vulgarity for Charity roasts. So in the interest of chipping away that much more, gentlemen, are you ready to insult? Podcaster.

Good job. And you're over-reliant on the dash in your writing. How dare you? Fuck you! I did a control F. I have no dashes. Punctuationless asshole. Alright, so let's open up with a roast of texas governor

greg abbott for david oh all right greg abbott has two very different equally horrifying looks look one cheapest george w bush impersonator you could find on thumbtack look two the lawyer slip and slide hired to defend them off the side of a bus both different both terrible and noah addison would like a roast for the chuck tingle masterpiece pounded in the butt by my book pounded in the butt by my book pounded in the butt by my book pounded in the butt by my book pounded in the butt by my own butt yeah clever normally I would be hesitant to roast a book I hadn't read, but since the other option would be to read that book, I'm going to live with it in this

case. It's tough for me, though. It's tough. I admire Chuck Dingle's continued commitment to that single joke. Heath and Eli, we come out with new jokes every week like a bunch of assholes over here where Chuck is just still squeezing a little more blood from that same

stone. I'd be fucking impressive even if the joke had been funny to start with. Yeah. All right. Squeezing blood from his own butt. There you go. That's so much easier than what we do. All right. New joke. I did. Heath is Chuck Jingle. Heath,

I got one for you here. Tyson would like a roast for union tradesmen who are also libertarian. Is that a thing? Oh my god, fuck your faces. Hey, union tradesmen who are also libertarian. No, you're not. You're not. You're just stupid.

You think you're Jack Reacher just living off the grid. No, you're not. First of all, Jack Reacher got a military pension from the U.S. government funded by tax dollars. And he got those checks in the mail from the Postal Service funded by tax dollars. And the Postal Service was using roads funded by tax dollars. And you know how your house didn't get taken by canadian warlords with muskets yesterday it's not because of your better musket skills it's because of the police and the military centrally planned and again funded by tax dollars taxation is lack of theft you fucking idiots well

done well done all right so eli mel Melissa would like a roast of Mitch McConnell. And I'm guessing now more than ever. Yeah, boy. Mitch McConnell sucks so much. The only reason not to go back in time and kill baby Hitler is that baby Mitch McConnell would use less time gas. Also, we all stopped talking about this and i don't know why he very clearly got bit by a zombie a few months ago and is hoping he can get away with it by putting brains to a floor vote sorry this just in it passed because wisconsin counts as much as california so yes um brains is law everybody i

don't know what that means but brains and he Heath, Betty would like you to insult the absolute shit out of cancer. Oh, good one. Okay. Well, cancer, it's kind of like Republicans moving into your town. You know what I mean? You try to do regular checkups to stay ahead of it. You catch

it early. You can just cut around the meat and remove them, but if they start spreading you have to poison them with chemicals or shoot them with lasers and gamma rays and sometimes that works but then they show up again years later out of nowhere and they hide sometimes like black mold and they fuck up the value of the property but every year we do get a little bit closer to a cure so that's good according to the latest science it comes from your mom and dad more than anything else it's kind of hard to get rid of

i'm not saying eugenics is good but for this one thing i'm not saying it's good i'm listening to the pitch i'm listening you i'll hear you out maybe prima nocta no it's okay we're just talking here we're just we're just shooting the shit we don't have to be just brainstorming doing that ways to cure republicanism i don't know ends means machiavelli okay noah you're up next chad would like a roast of his brother trevor yeah so apparently trevor was a youth pastor whose honesty and integrity got in the way, so he became an atheist whose kindness and acceptance

is the reason that Chad was able to get through one of the hardest parts of his life. And also gives neckbeard a bad name. Like, Chad sent us this heartfelt message about what a great guy he was, and I was like, oh, this is going to be hard, and then I saw the picture where he's got this expression that can only be described as trying to convince Chris Hansen that he was there there to check the meters so i was like all right that's much easier now

all right eli you're up again uh james would like a roast of the art of belly dancing thank you james finally finally we can be honest about the most confusing of sexy dances interesting but if stripping is charizard and burlesque is Charmeleon, then belly dancing is definitely Charmander. What? But here's the thing. At its absolute highest level,

it looks like Quatto is about to burst out of you, right? It doesn't look. Good. It feels like Quatto's going to burst out of you and then Quatto's going to tell me that my boner is cultural appropriation. There's a lot going on there. I don't like it. Don feels like Quado's going to burst out of you, and then Quado's going to tell me that my boner is cultural appropriation.

There's a lot going on there. I don't like it. Don't like it. I'm saying I like it. And Heath, I got one here for you. John would like a roast of his boss, Brian. Okay, cool. We got a picture. I always wondered what happened to Alfred E. Newman, so now we know. got a picture. I always wondered what happened to Alfred E. Newman, so now we know. Apparently, he became John's boss. He looks like a super cooperative character at the

beginning of an SVU episode. And he is definitely 100% the reason the HR department has a form letter about non-consensual fist bumps. Alright, so I'm going to take this request from Steve for his friends,

Paul and Kelsey. And this was a weird one because Steve says, like, I want you to roast my friends, Paul and Kelsey. So I, you know, I set my insult meter to jovial ribbing.

And then I start reading the description and Paul and Kelsey are the worst goddamn people you can imagine. Right. And Steve doesn't shy away from this. They're like, they're pretentious petty trump supporting assholes who look like if smuggling endangered species was a power couple they look like they'd be all judgy about people's outfits in a hurricane shelter why the fuck are you friends

with these people steve what the hell is wrong we got a good board game collection must be must be all right camo though though. I can't see. Oh, there you are in the hurricane shelter. Cool. All right. So next up, we've got a round of special requests. Eli, this one is for you. Catherine would like a roast of the Gilmore Girls.

Oh, an opportunity I will never pass up. Gilmore Girls is if all the girls who called themselves hilarious on Tinder got together to transcribe the most boring conversations they've ever had in an elevator. How dare you? Oh my God. People do like coffee. They do. This is such a bad show.

They managed to waste Melissa McCarthy. An action movie co-starring Jason Statham did not manage to waste Melissa McCarthy. But the Gilmore Girls did it for 155 seasons. And then a new season 70 years later. Yes. There's a whole, it's a, you got to check it out.

Did you love Gilmore girls? What if they were less attractive and falling apart? Well, wish granted. Poof. All right. Next up. Noah,

I got one for you so much so you just passed your one year anniversary of not smoking yes i did so give us a roast of what you'll miss after quitting for matthew right right because he sent this in before i had quit yeah okay that would be the great outdoors heath like seriously you tacked this whole pandemic shit on top of quitting smoking and i've seen the fucking sun in 2020 about as much as your average mogwai i also i also miss owing perfect strangers excuses for my personal failings that was nice all right he's so fun really would like a roast of new zealand politician don brash yeah gross okay yeah. Don Brash is the Milton Friedman of... of whatever.

It doesn't matter how you end that. No, he's the Milton Friedman of something. Doesn't fucking matter. And besides understanding economics about as well as a 17-year-old jerking off to Atlas Shrugged, he spent most of his political career giving speeches about how the indigenous Maori people

are the real bigots. If you think about it, you know, they got all their land stolen and the only people they want to take it back from are white people. And that is racist. If he was American, he'd be explaining how the Cleveland baseball team got persecuted out of their name by big Indian conspiracy. And we actually have a photo here of Don Brash at age 73

with his shirt all the way unbuttoned. It's gross that he took on purpose to promote his book. It's awful. He looks like the Pepperidge Farm guy started an OnlyFans. It's terrifying. Oh, the things that Pepperidge Farm wishes it could forget. All right, so the next one is for all of us. Autumn would like us to take a crack at her mom and dad,

Mary Beth and Kenneth. Cool. Nice. Okay, we got another picture here. So everyone's assistant principal apparently married everyone's lunch lady. That's fun they look like a hallmark movie about the brave owners of a hetero only cake shop

well you know what they look like is mary beth and kenneth right like if they weren't assholes they would clearly just be mary and ken or beth and kenny or something but no they're mary beth and kenneth and they also wouldn't be abusive science denying Trump loving bigots who have doubtless screamed themselves hoarse about a coupon at some point in the last eight months if they weren't assholes too. But you know.

Yeah, what you pay for. Okay. But on the plus side, Autumn's parents in every picture she sent us of them look like they just realized what horrible douches they are.

Like the photographer gave them a 25 minute presentation on being abusive assholes and then said, geez. But Autumn, there's good news. If there ever were people to ignore COVID restrictions, it's your parents, Autumn. So, you know,

fingers crossed. Yeah. All right. So I'll tell you what, that felt good. Let's do another round. Eli, this one is definitely for you because it's an internet person i don't care about steven would like you to roast theodore beal aka vox day oh excellent vox day always looks like he's saying that depends on what your definition of farted in this elevator is this is a guy who was too racist and sexist for the science fiction community. Wow. Space nerds.

Yeah. Space nerds put down their 950th issue of Spaceman Spiff fucks a blue lady. And they were like, that guy's an asshole. That guy's an asshole. He doesn't respect women. All right, Noah. Only fair that I return the favor here with someone I've never heard of. Alan would like you to roast Nev Arden Gayford.

Ardern, yeah, that's Jacinda Ardern's kid. And Alan gave me the choice, actually, of roasting either the baby or her mom. And since I cut my own tongue out before I spoke ill of Jacinda Ardern, I guess the baby can go fuck herself. Hey, Nev, what's up with all these pretentious fucking heads, you asshole? Oh, my little baby baby I need a hat because I lose heat too quickly off my hat does it have to be a knitted pink bonnet no, it doesn't go with anything

else you're wearing, get your shit together baby, you're representing a nation here exactly, alright Heath so mean to me Holly would like you to roast their rat Toph yeah so Toph.

Yeah, so Toph is a patchwork hairless rat. What? And it's kind of convenient when you can roast something just by naming the species they are. Yep. They look like those words. It's right on the nose. Patchwork hairless rat. Toph looks like

Dinesh D'Souza trying to grow a beard in Chernobyl. It's brutal. Alright, awesome. You know what that means or don't because it doesn't normally, we don't usually intro this with a buzzer, but that means it's time for another

Spightning Round. The category is family. We got a bunch of people who'd like to keep their insults within the family tree here. So our theme is family feud. I want you to insult these first roasties by telling me the answer they gave on family feud that lost their family the game. Eli, you're up first. Sarah's Aunt Carol. Oh, all right.

Well, Carol was asked what people answered when asked about something orange, and she answered teeth. Though, to be fair, if those hundred people had seen her, I think she would have swept the board. That said, based on the email Sarah sent, she also would have failed the question, what is a gun? And the part where Steve Harvey asks your name. Wow. Interesting. Wow. Better with Steve Harvey than Ray Combs in that

joke. Cool. Alright, Noah. Tell us what Brandon's Aunt Angela did to get her kicked off the feud. Oh, well, he didn't give us much to work with, but based entirely on her photo, I'm going to say the category was things you eat when you're nervous, and her answer was, you're

still beating heart, motherfucker. And Heath, this one should be easy. Sarah would like a roast of her terrible brother, Casey. So what did he get wrong on the feud? Wow. Okay, this is rough. Sarah listed just so many horrible things about her brother, Casey.

She sent a spreadsheet as an attachment. His egregious flaws are sortable. And on Family Feud, they asked Casey to name one single positive quality in a human being. And before he could answer, Steve Harvey jumped in and said, being you, you obnoxiously perfect asshole.

You're selfless, loving, caring, and a wonderful father and a wonderful brother. This was actually a reverse roast. Boom. Nailed it. There was no spreadsheet. That was a lie. Sarah loves you so much that she donated to charity just for this reverse roast and somehow

got me, Steve Harvey, to be part of it. Honey roast in your face. Well done. It was a request that we build it up to be a real roast and then switch it at the last second. Honey roast. All right. Nice. Didn't see it coming.

Casey. Pulled the rug out from that asshole. Good father. Fuck you. Reverse asshole. I like how based on the structure of that, he had to claim to be Steve Harvey for that. I didn't know. I felt.

Yeah, I didn't. That's weird. That's weird. I don't know what. I didn't know. I felt... I didn't. That's weird. That's weird. I don't know what... You didn't have to do the makeup. Alright, so let's stay in the family here. We're going to keep it seasonal, though. For this following Spiting Round, I want you to tell me what the roastie got for Christmas. I'm going to go first with Raymond's grandmother, Gloriana, and based on the description of that

heinous bitch, my first guess is the host still beating Hart from before. But so I'm not accused of chuck tingling that joke uh and given everything that raymond had to say about it let's hope it was covid and eli as our resident baby expert tell us what daniel's grandson alexander got for christmas jesus i hope it was some fucking teeth what is this kid 40 and still no teeth look alexander bring it in kid the all gums look is adorable for like a year but then you look like you're aiming for the world's youngest faces a meth poster gross and fucking teeth all right and heath what was under samantha's husband's

cousin karen's tree this year okay well, hopefully Karen got the letter E for Christmas. Yeah. Because right now she spells it with a fucking I. She's literally the Karen of Karen's. But I'm guessing that letter E didn't happen. She probably got an advent calendar of expired coupons. That's my guess. And Noah, what did Abraham's siblings and sarah get in their stocking uh well they're

atheists that grew up in an orthodox jewish family so probably not a lot um but i'm gonna go with melanin injections so they can go outdoors without an umbrella jesus the glare on this picture is uncomfortable people i think they were in agent emmis I'm pretty sure they're in the back. Okay, Keith, special challenge for you. Got it. Kate would like a roast of her stepbrother, Matthew. So I ask you, what is the Christmas-themed incest porn starring Matthew called? All right. So Matthew is a CrossFit trainer, and we actually have his official CrossFit employee photograph.

And he very clearly just finished masturbating while standing in front of a mirror, popping his pecs up and down. Because he always looks like he was just doing that. So the Christmas-themed incest porn is definitely Fuck Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Or maybe Oedipus Flex. Oh, right it's fantastic all right finally eli in this spiking round what did f raymond's sister monica get for christmas oh all right well monica is an anti-vaxxer trump supporter climate change denier who homeschools her kids so i mean I mean, she could get COVID, but Noah already said that one. Noah already said that one. So if I have to choose something to get her, I'm going to go with an eighth grade science

textbook, you know, just to really spook her. Yeah, right, right. More than COVID would actually, I think. For sure. All right. Well done all around. All right. So let's wrap up once again with a few of our high rollers.

Obviously, we appreciate everybody who donates to our big fundraiser but we appreciate the people who make big donations way more and we're going to prove that by insulting these last few people way better so we're going to start off with a special request for heath sam would like you to roast the sick bastards that keep making you roast dogs fuck all of you hey people ask for a roast of a dog you're everything that's wrong with humanity you're the people who try to do comedy during a wedding toast you're you're the people who get the filet of fish at mcdonald's you're you're republicans you know you have those those doubts about yourself everybody has them you worry that worry that people don't like you. Your friends don't like you as much as you think.

But then you think to yourself, no, no, I'm just being paranoid. You're not. You're not paranoid. You are high maintenance. You do smell bad. Your face is shaped wrong. You're Ben Shapiro,

and society is his wife's desiccated, gravelly, dusty vagina. Tumbleweeds rolling through. Everybody hates you. Okay. Yeah. No, everybody does.

Hey, you are. So next up mauled by a dog. All right. So next up, Jeremiah got a gift for all of us when he asked us to roast the authors of the conceptual penis hoax and their own demise at the same time, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay.

Oh, how the nobodies have fallen. Like, honestly, is there a better roast for these two than going back in time and telling them that they'd be clinging to the edge of atheism in a few years,

guests on the blaze and being retweeted by Donald Trump, that their companies would be founded and owned by right wing Christians and to maintain their peddling, pathetic funding on Patreon. They'd have to court election fraud, conspiracy theories that are too insultingly dumb for even them to believe. Again, just no better roast than for these assholes to have to live the lives they're forced to live every single day yeah i mean like every detail i include in the roast is a sad admission that i

know who they are i mean like pete wrote that one book that was pretty good back in the day and and james also wrote a book i think and he tried he tried to get interviewed on the show about it and i was just like dude i mean i'll argue with you so but then they became a live action twitter fight that never ends trying to wrap enough five dollar words around i know you are but what am i to keep convincing themselves that they're the real intellectuals during their fucking circle jerks okay who the fuck are Dave, Lindy, and Parker Bedoli? What? Nailed it.

All right. And how about one for Doug? He would like a roast of him. Okay. So Doug actually asked for Lucinda to roast him. So we were thinking, no. Lucinda loves roasting people. Just not you personally.

She said you're not worth her time. And then she got mad that she spent time saying you're not worth her time. And then she needed to cheer herself up. So she visited her dad in the hospital. That was fun. Then we thought about getting Cecil to roast you. But he didn't like how you looked like his Funko Pop so yeah you got stuck with me and uh no

okay so Doug wrote us this lovely genuine note about how much the show is meant to him however he wrote all that after he called himself a professional improv actor and sent us this picture so i went blind i couldn't see anything else he wrote to us because doug you look like you yes and airport security every time they stop you for a random check you look like when you ask for a profession and a location, it's to feed and house your family, not for improv. Well, no, it's even worse. He also called himself a professional improv director,

which seems like a job somebody made up as a bad punchline. You direct people who are making shit up as they go along. What are you directing them to do? Hey, guys, go out there and field coach yeah run faster yeah exactly so yeah here's hoping that works out for you because what the fuck industry would you turn to when i did essentially nothing as a decade's worth of your resume i mean other i mean now that the trump administration is wrapping up where would she go anyway yeah so okay let's see we've also got a request for Jordan's brother, Nate,

who, according to this note, thinks he looks like Jason Statham, which leads to the obvious question of why. Is he a blind person? Does he have some weird vampire condition where it comes to

his reflection and then he's only heard himself described by people who are too nice to be honest? Does he think that looks like Jason Statham just means bald? It would be no stranger if you told me Lucinda thought she looked like Jason Statham. Absolutely. Also, apparently he sucks at skateboarding,

which is so beautifully obvious in this picture Jordan sent us. Okay, soate is very clearly in the middle of fucking up some very basic skateboard thing oh here's how basic an ollie it's right he's he's standing on the tail of the board so it looks like he's about to do an ollie but he very clearly isn't because there's no blur no he is he is not. He is about to fall down to the earth. Okay, but the best part of this photo is that there is a disappointed eight-year-old, the appropriate age to be on a skateboard,

standing behind him, waiting for him to stop doing whatever he's doing. It's glorious. It is glorious, this eight-year-old's facial expression. Yeah, it just looks like Uncle Nate. I thought you was going to do a trick. You're just going to fake it. Are you done with the ramp? Can I have the

ramp now? Except there's no ramp. There's nothing. He's doing an ollie onto nothing, over nothing. And like Noah said, he obviously couldn't do an actual ollie for real, so he's doing a fake o Ollie onto just more flat ground. Yeah.

But nothing. He looks like Jason Statham in the same way this photo looks like a scene from a Fast and Furious movie. And if you look closely at the kid in the background, he's sending us an email that says, My dad is a grown man in cargo shorts. Please send the charity donation back. We have to pay. And last, but certainly not least, Sean would like us to roast Dennis Muhlenberg, now former CEO of Boeing. Oh, yeah.

No, the guy who's known for quotes like, I'm sure it was the pilot's fault. What's this Boeing 737 MAX of which you speak? And I'm some other guy. Dennis Muhlenberg doesn't have glasses, a nose this wide, or a little toothbrush mustache. But no, in his defense, Dennis is from Iowa. So from an Iowan, the prospect of dying in a fiery plane crash isn't as bad as it would be for most. I can see why he understated this at first.

And on the plus side, who'd have thought you'd end up naming your company after the sound your aircraft make after they slam into the ground halfway through takeoff. So there you go. Yeah. Yeah. And just for context, you were in charge of a company that was less ethical than Lockheed Martin while you were there. Yeah. At least Lockheed freely while you were there. Yeah. At least Lockheed freely admits that all their stuff is for killing people. Just be honest.

Exactly. Iron Man was walking out of his company looking at you guys going, well, at least I didn't do that shit. All right. Well, as much as I'd love to say that that did the trick, there are still plenty more roasts to go. So if you haven't heard yours yet, that's why we didn't think we'd have to wait this long either,

but we're getting there. We promise. Before we draw the shades on this one, I wanted to let you know that if you're stuck at home for New Year's, you can spend a little of it with me if you want. Our friends from Thank God I'm Atheist and How To Heretic

are doing a New Year's live stream. I'm going to be on for half an hour leading up to midnight Eastern time. So if you want in, be sure to check our Facebook page or follow at P.I.A.T. Pod on Twitter for links to the stream as soon as we have them. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait, don't be able to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show. The Skeptocrat debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern time on Monday and even new episode of our sister's hot friend. God often was doing at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half- Most Hot Friend got off on movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half-Sister Societation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd suck in a bad way if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for helping keep me sane through 2020. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for somehow making this shit work all year

despite a new baby showing up halfway through. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for making the best out of the worst of fucking years. I also want to thank everybody else who helped us this year, including but not limited to Anna Bosnick, Don Ford, Voice of Fantasy and Adventure, Tom and Cecil, Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, Morgan Clark, Angelo Madrid of Madrid Tunes,

all the wonderful guests who gave us some of their time this year, and everybody who sent in a Farnsworth quote, including, of course, Jay, who provided this week's Farnsworth quote, and solved racism. Thank you, Jay. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's sexiest celebrants, Clinton Crystal, Christina, Jay, Trevor, Trucking Atheist, Dima, Benjamin, Austin, Jillian, and Scott. Clinton, Crystal, Christina, and Jay, whose IQs won't be higher than the year

number for much longer. Trevor, Trucking Atheist, and Dima, who are so sexy they make Times Square's balls drop. And Benjamin, Austin, Jillian, and Scott, who are brighter than the dumpster fire that was 2020. Together, these 11 enticing infidels enhanced our incomes and ensured our incessant insults endure this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash skatingadeist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode,

or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingadeist.com. And if you'd like to help, but your money is cursed and you can't risk passing it on, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at B-A-T-P-O-T on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robson handles our social media. Our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. all right i was just about to stop my recording here but then i remember we haven't recorded any of the stuff yet the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2020 all rights reserved