The Scathing Atheist - 412: Sedition Edition

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

In this week’s episode, congress is way more white and Christian than America … again … still, Donald Trump makes a grand proclamation of unintelligible lame quacks, and Don Ford will be here to stand up for unintelligible lame quacks. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: American Atheists releases “State of the Secular State” report: https://states.atheists.org/ Conservative Writer Claims Anthony Fauci is Immoral Because “He’s a Humanist”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/01/conservative-trashes-dr-anthony-fauci-as-immoral-because-hes-a-humanist/ In Symbolic Proclamation, Trump Says “a Nation Without Faith Cannot Endure”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/01/in-symbolic-proclamation-trump-says-a-nation-without-faith-cannot-endure/ Pew releases religious info on 117th congress: https://www.pewforum.org/2021/01/04/faith-on-the-hill-2021/ Idaho Pub Faces Backlash After Supporting “Menstruatin’ With Satan” Fundraiser: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/29/idaho-pub-faces-backlash-after-supporting-menstruatin-with-satan-fundraiser/ Retired Cleveland Detective Says God Helped Him Crack Cases https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2020/12/31/a-retired-cleveland-detective-says-god-helped-him-crack-cases/ Best/worst Christian board games: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/christmas-grift-our-annual-guide-to-noteworthy-presents/ https://hellosensible.com/bible-board-games-family-game-night/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language, so either turn it off or stop being such a fucking baby. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the future being different than the past, because if it wasn't, it would always be the same episode. So think about that next time you're tempted to argue with me online about how Georgia will never vote for a Democratic presidential candidate or a black senator or a 33-year-old Jewish guy. The future.

TBD. And now now the scathing atheist humans did in fact evolve from filthy homo erectus what did we evolve from well the same place the Matrix came from. Transistors. It's Thursday. Isn't it, though? It's January 7th. And it's International Programmers Day. And it's Warnock Ossoff Day.

Yes. No illusions. I'm Milad Bosnik. I'm Heath Enright. And from ex-Democrat Congressman Jeff Van Drew's New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State and Red Town Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Congress is way more white and Christian than America. Again. Still.

Still. Donald Trump makes a grand proclamation of unintelligible, lame quacks. And damn it, that's Don Ford's thing. But first, the diatribe. When they teach about now in history class, the question every student is going to ask first is, how the hell we ever thought we could make this work? They're going to look at it with the benefit of hindsight or, I mean, honestly, just the benefit of detachment. And they're going to say, how the hell did anybody ever think a society could operate indefinitely

if only half the players agreed to use reality to arbitrate their disagreements how could that lead to anything other than chaos and here we are chaos these fucking idiots who talked about burning it all down are getting their first glimpse of what that blithe ass goal actually looks like in action and now they're pretending that they had some melds in mind some more civil form of lawlessness i guess so for context just in case you're listening to this in the archives or some future diatribes mixtape i should mention that i'm recording this the same day that a gaggle of knowledge starved trump supporters stormed the capitol building in hopes of violently diverting our current timeline into an alternative reality where Trump won the fucking election. I mean, I only hesitate to use the word terrorism because terrorism means using

terror to accomplish some goal. And I don't even know if they had one of those unless they think that if you're on the Senate floor, we have to let you make laws like there's some magical gavel or some damn thing. And this is just chaos for its own sake. It fails to rise to the level of terrorism and instead simply manages to be terror. I mean, consider how stupid this is. This whole bit where they certify this election result, that's a pro forma thing.

It'd be like trying to stay out of jail by screaming, I can't hear you at the judge. And yet hundreds of people, possibly thousands of people, were willing to risk arrest and injury to do nothing. I mean, I guess to a certain degree, the chaos is the goal, right? Like very clearly, it's what Trump wanted out of the whole thing. And it plays right into his desire to delegitimize Joe Biden's victory. That being said, i don't think it's fair to call that series of spasmic visceral urges that trump has goals right i mean nobody went to bed on

wednesday feeling any different about the legitimacy of the november election than they did when they woke up so at best he got an emotional release out of it the goal then was that it felt good to him to do and look as little sympathy as I have for the assholes that they had to drag away from their slapstick insurrection, I understand entirely how they got there. I mean, everybody in the atheist or skeptical movement kind of has to. It's the shit we've been warning about this whole fucking time. They got lost in their own conspiracies. For fuck's sake, the top-billed speaker at one of the three main pro-trump rallies was alex the juice boxes are turning the frogs gay jones right that's the

level of discernment we're talking about here and the story that these people have been sold over the last couple of years is that they're the last line of defense against communism child rape cabals and satan's source of all the evil in the world. And the first rule of conspiracy thinking is that anything that disproves the conspiracy is part of the conspiracy. So once you fall in, it's not like there's a ladder that leads back out. We wasted a lot of years pretending this was some kind of fringe problem. And even now, as we're calling in the National Guard to put down a literal insurrection, one based on nothing but the willful inability of its participants to reason, we stand poised to waste some more years doing the same damn thing.

You know, make no mistake here. The root of the problem is the idea that we need to respect everybody's beliefs. The root of the problem is the fact that we're unwilling as a society to label some people as just fucking wrong. And whether that comes from a misguided sense of balance, an overabundance of humanism, or as I've dedicated my life to arguing, our societal desire to coddle religious thinking, the end result is eventually full detachment from reality. The term post-truth has been with us for a while, but for some reason, most people aren't willing to treat it like the existential crisis that it is because ultimately this problem exists to wildly variant degrees in every arm of America's political landscape, right?

So even at their best, you find people who refuse to recognize the reality that too many people refuse to recognize reality and many of them will continue to do so even after watching all this shit play out in glorious 1080i. Of course, as fucked up as this insurrection was to watch, reality and many of them will continue to do so even after watching all this shit play out in glorious 1080i of course as fucked up as this insurrection was to watch it wasn't the most important news item of the day that would be the one where thanks to our listeners generosity and

not one but two fundraisers for the georgia senate runoff both john ossoff and rafael warnock won their respective races and tipped the balance of power in Congress. So, yeah, the good news is that in reality, the Democrats will now control both the executive and the legislature. The bad news is that barely more than half of us live in reality anymore. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the mega-an-electo

to my testimony, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to get punitive? I am, but you know what? I'm going to leave that

to Attorney General Merrick Garland. Fuck your face. Hell hath no fury, man. Oh, murder. I mean, legally, that's a reference to the video game, but I love that it doesn't have to be. Well, it does not because I said I was to Tiffany.

So while we sort out our responsibilities, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, lying, lying, no sponsor this week. In our lead story tonight, American Atheists released their third annual... In your face, everybody. You thought there was going to be a sponsor. You are a bunch of fast forward and shit.

I fucked you all up. Psych. Have you heard our ads? Not. They're dropping like flies. American atheists released their third annual State of the Secular State report on Tuesday. And the bottom line is that even in a year when virtually every piece of major legislation from any state body was COVID related, we still found

plenty of ways to degrade the wall of separation. The chief enemy of the secular government in 2020 was, of course, the Supreme Court, which, according to the report, quote, all but struck down the numerous state constitutional protections that limit the flow of public money to religious private schools while expanding the ability of religious organizations to evade non-discrimination protections end quote all while enshrining the right to discriminate sincerely into law so congrats everybody you pay to fire gay and unmarried teachers now so yep just in case you thought we'd run out of stuff to talk about in 2021. If we don't stack that fucking court

with 50 literal DNA clones of Stacey Abrams, I'm going to be furious. All right, so for those unfamiliar with this report, it's something American atheists started doing back in 2019 so that we would talk about something other than David Silverman when we brought them up. He's just so entertaining. You got to amp your game, buddy, right? He doesn't care about COVID. You announced that pants aren't real. Get your head in the game, Nick. You got to

get ahead of him. You got to think laterally. All right. So every year since, they've gone state by state assessing law and policy measures that pertain to religious equality and separation of church and state. In 2020, they looked at almost 50 issues including rifra laws religious exemptions and foster care and adoption exemptions and homeschooling laws etc and then they assign each state a grade one of three grades as far as like how it's doing in terms of you know being secular it also provides a handy dandy state-state checklist of where your state fucks secular governments and where it doesn't. So if, for example, you're involved in atheist activism, it might help direct you to where your statewide efforts would best be directed. Yeah, and you got about 50 good options to work with.

Yeah. They'll tell you the best ones. Right, yeah, exactly. They'll even give you a top 16. So in addition to the state-by-state lockdown, the report also has a national assessment which reads, quote, very loud aruga sound giving way to blaring air sirens with crackling voice yelling, this is not a drill over and over again, end quote. Like a bit of an exaggeration, but the second subheading in the key development section actually is, quote,

religious exemptions from common sense, end quote. And that section goes on to detail all the difficulties that governors have had making things like stop coughing on each other until we get a vaccine stick. And in the outlook for 2021 section, that starts with the words the death of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And I mean, it carries on for several more paragraphs, but that says it all, right? So, yeah, after four years of Trump, the state of the secular state is that we don't have one. Hmm. Hmm.

And in not-too-chummy news, conservative writer for the right-wing publication, The Washington Times, Cheryl K. Chumley. Fuck your face. Thank you. Took to the internet this week because she has a bone to pick with Anthony Fauci, namely that he is a humanist. And if there's anything that the last couple of years have taught us, it's that conservative

Christians hate humans. Right. Yeah. No. Well, to be fair, though, humanism suggests that we're better off relying on humans to solve our problems than gods. And non-existent shit never suggests curing diseases with bleach injections. So maybe she's got us now.

Exactly. Yeah. So regular listeners to this show might remember Chumlee for articles like calling for the removal of satanic monuments that didn't exist or the time she wrote a whole article about how if you didn't support Christian nationalism, you were very, very unchristian. You may also remember the Washington Times, the outlet for hoping you don't read their website too carefully because they're the fucking Google of news outlets. carefully because they're the fucking Google of news outlets.

But yeah, Chumlee's problem is that in 2015, Fauci said that despite his Catholic upbringing, he now identifies as a humanist. She says, quote, he's a humanist, meaning he takes his moral compass from his own mind.

This is a bad thing. Like, you nerd fucking mind thinker he has little to no concern with the stuff of higher authority the constraints that come down from fears of heavenly accountability oh i'm accountable i'm sorry does humanism have an absolution guy make with our fucking absolution guy. We're shut the fuck up about which side has accountability. Yeah. The reason I don't serial murder Republicans is because I'm mind thunk that murder is wrong.

You sure you want me to switch up my system? Something ghost based? I do. So she continues later in the article, quote, he's une unelected he's largely unaccountable to the people he's atheist which speaks volumes about his character his moral compass and his understanding of our american exceptionalism and basic founding and constitutional principles end quote all right but here's the fucked up thing though it's like's like it does. It actually does. And kind of in the direction she meant it to. It's just not a point for her side. Yeah. The opposition response to your think piece is please proceed, governor.

Work on that. Keep writing. Oh, so, yeah, I mean, it might be hard to imagine being surprised by this kind of thing if you've been paying attention to the world over the past few years. But as Nick Fish, the head of American Atheists, pointed out on Twitter, this is the same group who imagined that Amy Coney Barrett was being persecuted for her religion when people pointed out that she was in a cult. Yep. Now, a couple months later, they've written an article themed around you can't trust a Jew. And that's just fine. So, yeah, if anything, let this story remind you about why the atheism on this show is scathing. Yes, because we have no moral compass. Exactly.

No accountability to ghosts. And in theocrats on a sinking ship news. Nice. Donald Trump has a lot going on these days. Does he? Global pandemics, absolutely perfect phone calls, new pin placements on the golf course to figure

out, but he doesn't let that stuff get in the way of carrying out his most essential function as the President of the United States and the leader of carrying out his most essential function as the president of the United States and the leader of the Republican Party, Christian martyr. And that's why it's very busy schedule to release an official proclamation commemorating the 850th anniversary of the death of Christian martyr Thomas Beckett. What?

So never forget, everybody. Christian martyr Thomas Beckett. What? So, never forget, everybody. I mean, at least he didn't give him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, I guess. Look, if Trump wants to be a martyr for the cause, there are ways to do that and make us happy. I mean, there's a middle ground here. So, so happy. Hey, Eli, tell us another Tussiphony joke.

so happy. Hey, Eli, tell us another tassiphony joke. Yeah, so Thomas Beckett, you're probably thinking to yourself, who? And the answer is, the fuck cares? Who the fuck cares? But clearly, Mike Pompeo does because he definitely

tore off another sheet from his martyr a day calendar that he has and he ran over to the White House to make sure this got the attention it needed and here's the proclamation from trump quote before the magna carta was drafted before the right to free exercise of religion was enshrined as america's first freedom in our glorious constitution nope side note freedom from religion was first just i don't don't know, read a constitution. Continuing, Thomas Beckett gave his life so that, as he said, the church will attain liberty and peace. And then Trump added the following after Pompeo clearly recited it while ugly crying.

Society without religion cannot prosper. A nation without faith cannot endure because justice, goodness, and peace cannot prevail without the grace of God. End quote. Cool. Cool. Cool. Let me just take a look at this list of the most religious countries and this list of the happiest, most prosperous, just, good, and peaceful countries and see if they're the same country. But look, they are not a man.

No? No. You are not the father. Dance. Dance. Dance, List of Countries. Dance. You had to watch a lot of Maury in a break room to get that joke,

but I guess some of you get it. Sure, it was a break room, Eli, of course. All right, so two things. First of all, it's worth noting that Thomas Beckett got executed exactly because England didn't have enough separation of church and state. As pointed out by the illustrious Hemant Mehta over at The Friendly Atheist, at the time of Beckett's death, people believed that kings were chosen by God. So anyone who disagreed with the king was an evil heretic who needed to be killed. Well, also, he's the patron saint of trying to inject religious bullshit into government though that's literally why he was killed he couldn't less mean that

but more importantly why are we doing proclamation right what is it's 2021 what's happening the leader of the country's making big sweeping announcements with like trumpet fanfare he's a robin hood villain what the fuck stop making proclamations stop proclaiming shit like that are people waking up and being like is theocratic murder a good thing you know what i better check if the president proclaimed anything oh he did and given this president we should be a little surprised at what he proclaimed and in report monto news tonight thank you kind of meaningless but i had to throw it in there pew released its biannual report on the religious composition of our new congress and the long and short of it is uh come meet the new bias same as the old bias and to pew's credit they actually highlight

the discrepancy between america and its leaders when it comes to religion quote well about a quarter 26 percent of u.s adults are religiously unaffiliated describing themselves as atheist agnostic or nothing in particular just one member of the new congress senator kirsten cinema democrat ari, identifies as religious unaffiliated. And then because Pew is just delightfully nerdy, they add 0.2%. End quote.

And for that, we are willing to forgive the fact that she spells her name K-Y-R-S-T-E-N. Gross. Are we? Are you forgiving that? More than what she said about fucking atheists. She made some asshole comment. Oh, Are we? Yeah. More than what she said about atheists. Yeah. She made some asshole comment.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That too. My career has been way too good to label me atheist. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. That's worse than the Kirsten thing. The spelling. Now, to be clear, it's equally bad. She didn't do that. Somebody else did that to her.

Okay. Now, to be clear, it's actually not quite as bad as the one 130th representation makes it sound. There's actually a humanist in Congress too, so it's closer to two 130th. That's twice as good. Democrat Jared Huffman represents

both California's second congressional district and all of the people who admit that we can't solve problems with magic. Pew doesn't have a pigeonhole for humanists though, so he shows up on the list as just other. There are also 18 members of Congress who just declined to answer the religion question, 17 of which are Democrats.

Also, Jamie Raskin says he's not an atheist, but I don't believe him. He just doesn't want to piss off his mom, right? Oh, wait, no. If we're doing secret atheists, we are way over representative they've got like matt gates and susan collins everybody else okay but even if we get all 17 democrats who passed on the religion question along with huffman and cinema and assume they're all some

version of secular humanist that's not even close to being represented correctly. If Christians were represented at the same rate, they'd have 47 and a half people in Congress instead of 468. Jesus Christ. Wow. All right. So, yeah. So there's the question, right? Where does all our representation wind up?

If we're not getting senators, somebody's clearly getting our senators. And unsurprisingly, it's the goddamn Christians. In a nation where about two-thirds of the people identify as christian almost 90 percent of congress does other overrepresented religions include jews even if you don't count raskin and that's fucking it all right you got two buddhists three muslims two hindus three unitarian universalists which is you know what it's atheist light and kirsten cinema and jared hoffman that is all the admitted non-judeo christian lawmakers in the entire federal government a fucking ford transit's worth yeah plus you got to put a hindu or a uu between the jews and the muslims or they fight it's a nightmare it's a nightmare well yeah no

that's gonna go up though that's about to go up, though. That's about to go up. Now, I should note that obviously Congress is a lot older than the average American, too, right? So like average representative is 57.6 years old. The average senator is 62.9. So you might be tempted to think that that's why religion is so overrepresented. Old people tend to be more religious, but Congress is also more religious than the average 57 to 63 year old.

So that only explains a little bit of it. The rest is that we're a bigoted fucking country where most people still refuse to vote for people who don't

follow their same gods like we're in goddamn Clan of the Cave Bear. Next up in headlines in estrous purple news. Fantastic.

We have a story. You should listen to this headline twice just so you can appreciate how brilliant this intro was. And then you should also go back and listen to all the classic GAM episodes so you know the reference. That's true. So we have a story

out of Idaho and it's about menstruation. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest, Christian Freakout. How fucked up would it be if she just menstruated instead of playing the song? Yeah! I was about to say, for anyone

who doesn't get that Christian Freakout toss, you were like, menstruation, Anna. That's right a biological function that's a crucial part of human existence is happening and the christian people of idaho are not having no the idaho chapter of the satanic temple is doing a charity drive called men straighten with satan and they're taking donations of personal hygiene products for the less fortunate. And when they put a collection box in a local pub, the Christian people in town lost their goddamn minds.

Well, there you have it, folks. The only way to construct a true English statement that contains the words Christian, Idaho, and minds. Heath has shown you the way. Fucking idiots. The charity drive benefits the Boise Period Project, and you can donate by

using the link in the story from the show notes. You'll be helping a great cause, and even better, you'll be directly spiting some ridiculous Christian people. Are we sure better is the right word? So much. Two of us are are yep okay spites the best so the collection box that started this whole panic was placed in the crown and thistle pub in cordel

and this led to a boycott by the very powerful christian block of the Northern Idaho foodie Facebook group. You don't want to fuck with them. According to one post, quote, I guess we knew they were staunch demon rats. Comedy sick. I think that was Democrats. I guess it just goes to show you never know. You literally just said you knew. It's fine.

Continuing, we'll never spend a cent there. Middle finger emoji. Bye-bye. Second middle finger emoji. Somehow third middle finger emoji. Now it's just a hand. That's just three fingers.

They're not looking to attract customers who spend by the cent anyway, Cletus. Middle finger right back. I think they'll be okay. Okay, okay. A little magic trick here. Even though I do not know the name of the person who wrote that post, if you

check their Facebook page, you will find a meme starring Tweety Bird about their ex. Just checked it. Eli nailed it. Wow. Thank you. Just checked it. Eli nailed it. Wow. Thank you. That's the sound of clubs.

So, I made the mistake of actually checking out that Facebook argument. Oh, really? And it's, it's bad for a Facebook argument.

It's terrifying. It's like, listen to somebody try to explain accelerationism. But my favorite part is the sub-argument between two Christian people that pops up. One person says, sadly enough, Satan is getting stronger.

And then they get yelled at by another Christian person being like, not at all. Satan is desperate, but he's the loser. Fuck you. Okay. Patreon goal. Noah will reply to every comment on that thread. As,

as Satan. I'm not. All right. Well, believe it or not, this story actually has a positive ending. One of the pub owners put out a statement that basically said, wow.

Okay. Can't believe I have to clarify, but this is not a collection of used tampons for a blood ritual. We're going to keep doing the charity thing just like the Bible tells us to do. You're all stupid. And in holy ghost cop news, retirement. One of the many things that as a podcaster, we'll never have to worry about. But a lot of people do. I mean, what do you do?

Do you fish, spend more time with your family, or take up a weird hobby that lets everyone know what you're into sexually in a way that's uncomfortable for absolutely everybody? Well, in the case of recently retired detective Rick Marunia, Marunia? I don't know. You write a book about how Jesus helped you solve crimes titled, I Shit You Not, God Doesn't Need a Badge.

I'm just picturing God in a meeting with the chief. He's angrily giving away his badge and gun. So wait, so is God like lying to Humphrey Bogart about being a federalist? Because that's what that statement implies, isn't it? Sierra Madre. Yeah. Nice. So first of all, this book is only 190 pages.

So yes, I did buy it. And yes, I am going to read it. And yes, I am going to expose Heath. And yes, I am going to expose Heath to whatever terrible acronyms it has in store for us. But just to give you all at home a taste, here is the blurb from Amazon. Quote, Proverbs 15.3 says, the eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good. This book brings these verses to life. These are the stories of a police officer who has witnessed miracles, both on and the good. This book brings these verses to life. These are the stories of a police officer who has witnessed miracles,

both on and off duty. The miracles that God allowed him to be a part of taught him many lessons about prayer and paying attention. The miracles forever changed his life. Wait, wait, wait, wait. They taught him lessons about paying attention? That wasn't God, dude.

That was Dora the Explorer. What the fuck are you talking about? Sniper knows sniping. Pee on the pee pad. Learn from God. It concludes, quote, the story about a donut shop employee who was held up at gunpoint

is truly amazing. God solved this crime. Do you believe God cares about the police and their donuts? The bike story and the jewelry store robbery are two of the most amazing police stories you will ever hear. Nope. Only God could have solved these two crimes the way the cases unfolded. In fact, God is the greatest detective on the case he has been paying attention to every crime committed from the beginning of history this eye-opening book will inspire readers to pray for miracles and then pay attention to the answers they will not be disappointed

what's the opposite of a teaser does it have like spoilers but it backwards like they're good because now i'm not gonna read it teaser. What? Does it count as... Spoilers, but backwards. They're good because now I'm not going to read it. They've spoiled story. They're talking about story. I haven't read it yet. You can't... Whatever. How can you be a detective if you're omniscient? That's just

answering a question. I know you're just... This is detective theater. This is stupid. Quit asking me for a clue. Do you have a magnifying glass? You're God. No, I know, because there were two world wars. Come on, man.

Don't do that. So, like I said, I am reading this book and will be reporting back. But I got to say, while we might never be able to retire, as long as there are authors like Rick, we here at The Scathing Atheist have job security. That's good to know. Yeah. And finally tonight, the new year is upon us. And that means you can buy the exact same items for way cheaper than three weeks ago. Yep. So it seemed like the perfect time for a quick review of the best biblical board games. Just in case you want to stock up for next year. Oh, no.

And I do. Great. So, just in case anyone's not familiar with this very depressing sector of the gaming world, here's how it works. In perfectly predictable Christian fashion, the vast majority of these games are just the name of an existing game plus Bible smashed into the title somehow. Bible Scrabble, Bible Taboo, Bibleopoly. There's even Bible Old Man, which is, it's Old Maid plus Bible.

Okay. Plus man. Well, no, because we can't celebrate that bitch who wasn't fruitfully multiplying, now can we? Oh, yeah, there you go. But we're going to focus on a few actual new games they made. Just for record, I found most of these on a website called hellosensible.com, which is the saddest fucking name for a place to buy theoretically fun things for kids.

Good and hello, sensible. Well, I feel like Christian board game section runs a close second. So this is the worst of the worst. All right. So I'll start us off with a game called the Bible Man board game. Oh, God damn it. I was fucking furious. I knew about this from doing multiple

episodes of bible man on god awful movies and here's the terrifying description of that game bible man and his friends are on a mission to rescue children that have been tricked by enemies of god jew players that is the correct translation players battle battle the bad guys. That's in quotes. So apparently the literal name of the bad guys in this game is bad guys. Players battle the bad guys while traveling through the town of Shatsville. I forgot it was Shatsville. In an attempt to save the children, the first player to rescue six kids, deliver them safely to the church, and race back to the Bible Man Cave is the children. The first player to rescue six kids, deliver them safely to the church and race back to the

Bible man cave is the winner. I'm sorry. I can't get over Shatsville. Do they have to make it up Mount and slide down diarrhea head river? Also, also wait. Do you want the children delivered safely or to a church? Make up your fucking mind game.

No, it's not a good goal? Make up your fucking mind, game. No. It's not a good goal. Next up, we have a game called Dave Ramsey's Act Your Way. Oh, my God. I love this so much. Oh, my God. Fuck you so fucking much. Indeed. Fuck you in the face.

According to HelloSensible.com, if you've ever heard of dave ramsey's debt snowball concept or seven step system to get out of debt by dave ramsey and build wealth you will love this game players earn a salary pay bills save and pay down debt. Sounds like a blast. Kids and adults alike will discover the importance of budgeting, saving, and staying gazelle intense so they can be the first to yell, I'm debt free.

This game is truly a great way for the whole family to learn and apply biblical money principles. Oh my God. They turned you millennials are poor because of Starbucks into a board game. Yep.

They did. And you know it includes tithing. Oh my God. Also, look, biblical money principles are stone people to death for charging interest, flip over the table of people making a profit and everyone's debts reset every seven years. Sounds like a weird-ass game of Monopoly.

Also, do you think of a gazelle as the most intense animal? Not the most financially prudent one way or the other. Yeah, they're ridiculous with money. Anyway, that brings us to We the People, the Tyranny Game. What? This one is recommended by the Christmas catalog of PhD historian asterisk David Barton and his wall builders group. Here's the description from the manufacturer of We the People, the Tyranny Game. Oh, so good.

Laugh out loud as players vicariously live the hilarious consequences of social justice and intrusive government. What? Social justice cards illustrate the consequences of big progressive governments. What? So players can clearly recognize modern day tyranny. Jesus fucking Christ. It might sound confusing, but don't worry. The tyranny of not being able to say the end word is that one? That sort of tyranny. Jesus fucking Christ. It might sound confusing, but don't worry. The tyranny of not being able to say the end word

is that one? That sort of tyranny. Well, they define social justice for us, Noah. Don't worry. Okay. It's the process of creating equality

among individuals by regulating wealth and opportunity to achieve unrealistic fairness. And here's an example of an actual social justice card in this game.

Quote, the Family First Freedom Commission determines that the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in your kid's lunch is not up to code. Pay $1,000 for sack lunch training.

Well, okay. First of all, the Family First Freedom Commission is definitely you guys' thing. That's not ours. That might literally be the name of one of their stupid fucking things. I'm sure that's copyrighted and trademarked

or whatever, but I demand clarity on the point here. Is the message, damn them liberals and their food safety standards for children? Is this a fuck Upton Sinclair game? It sure is. Gentlemen,

I now have two priorities in life. Number one, play this game. Number two, raise my son with love and care. But that is the order.

Do you understand me? That is the order. I think you got that about right. And last, but certainly not least, we have Pharisees the Party Game. What?

Yeah, so you know how Mafia, that's a fun game, right? But it doesn't have any overt anti-Semitism. Well, they fixed it with this one. Oh, well, you know the working title is Bible Mafia. All right. Well, they fixed it with this one. Oh, well, you know the working title is Bible Mafia. Somebody told them along the way, no, you can't.

All right. Well, according to, again, hellosensible.com, where they sell a sensible anti-Semitic board game, quote, it's got a little less organized crime and a lot more Bible verses. Picture this. I'm picturing. You live in a distant land many centuries ago. You've recently begun following a controversial new prophet named Jesus Christ. And the religious leaders of the day, the Pharisees, aren't very happy about it.

Each night, the Pharisees sneak into your community in search of one of jesus's disciples to stone them can the disciples find and excommunicate the pharisees before they stone them all each player has a mission as a disciple find and excommunicate the pharisees as a pharisee convince the disciples you're innocent while secretly trying to stone them each night one by one. I love that they tried to do the werewolf thing because you don't have to secretly stone people. Yeah. You're picturing just like thump. Ouch.

Go to sleep. No, don't. Go to sleep. You're dreaming. Thump. Everybody say thump to make it fair. I'm a therapist. So, but here's the coolest thing

here's my favorite thing about this I've played this game before they've set it up and they don't know this so that all the kids go into every single round hoping they get to be a Pharisee yeah so obviously we're going to need to play some of these games

secondarily Eli might raise a child. And if the world stops being on fire, we're going to try to set up another pajama party at some point. And if we can talk Eli into allowing one of these games to touch his portable board gaming surface thing that he has that he's way too fucking serious about. We live in a society, Heath. We live in a society. Okay, it's just so large. It live in a society. It's just so large.

It's not really portable. It's crazy. Well, either way, we're definitely playing one of those games. I would say We the People, the tyranny game, but maybe some neo-Nazi mafia. Definitely. Absolutely. Hell yeah. Alright, so with that to look forward to, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath,

Eli, thanks as always. Jew Mafia! And when we come back, we'll get scriptural. Hi, I'm Noah Lusions. And I'm Eli Posnick. Would you like to hear Heath Enright watching the Twisted Tea video for the very first time? Do you want to know exactly what noise he makes as that can of beverage comes crashing into the face of a racist? Sure you do, which is why you should sign up to support this show for as little as a dollar an episode over at patreon.com slash scathing atheist. You'll get extra long commercials at the end versions of the show

with extras like Heath watching that video. Me winning at Christmas this year. And the time I told a Moroccan flight booker that I fucked his dad. Plus, you'll get access to a bunch of Ask Us Anything's ringtones and downloadable MP3s of the songs that we do on the show. All for as little as a dollar an episode. So if you want to hear the orgasmic joy of Heath Enright watching that video, head on over to Patreon.com slash ScathingAtheist to support us today. Patreon, extras for you, not dying of starvation for us.

You know, Christians claim that they believe God exists, that they believe the Bible is his holy word, and that they believe that he's omniscient and will therefore know whether or not they've read it. Also, more than half of Christians readily admit that they haven't read it. So, while you work out the implications, we're going to open up another edition of Bible Peace Theorem. But where it really picks up is when you memorize the middle game. No, you can't really memorize all the middle games. That's not...

You can't? No. I'm pretty sure you can. Okay. Hey, guys. Are you ready for Bible Peace Theater? Right. Yes.

Samuel 1. First Samuel. Right. Where were we? So the Jews had asked Samuel for a king and he gives them Saul. Right. Okay. So this week is all about like Saul being king? But it's kind of more about his son, Jonathan. Okay. So for clarity, the book of the Bible called First Samuel

is about Samuel's pick for king's son i mean for now it's going to be about samuel's pick for king's boyfriend later i hate this book so much but we're not there yet so first saul goes around blowing his horn and and saying how kick-ass the jews are so that the philistines all gather for a big showdown. I feel like there have been like eight big showdowns with the Philistines. Yeah, but this is a different one. Okay. Lou, Lou, Lou. Blowing my horn stuff.

Blowing my horn stuff is my favorite stuff. Saul, your highness. Yes, what news do you bring? The Philistines are here, sir. Oh, good, good. We shall smote them in battle. How many are there? 30,000 chariots and 6,000 horsemen. Oh, a mighty army.

And this shall be our greatest battle, I think. How many footmen do they have? Seven quintillion. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, the Bible says that they have as many men as, quote, the sands which is on the seashore. So back of the envelope, seven quintillion. Which is?

Almost 10 million times larger than all the people who have ever been born on all of Earth. All the people who have ever been born. Now, not even in Bible times. Right, right, right, right. So that's probably just poetic language, right? Well, I don't... It's not a very good metaphor. It's not very poetic.

The people who wrote the book knew what sand was. I mean, they were capable of counting at least high enough to know it was tomb. That's true. Very true. Okay, fine. So it's not a great metaphor, but... And physically impossible just space-wise, right? To fit that many people, you would need an area that would cover all...

A big area, yeah. Okay, got it. Let's just say that there's a lot of them. Do you want to just hide in some caves? Well, I mean, if they have seven quintillion people, all the caves in the solar system are going to be filled with them. Okay, I'm going to go hide in some caves.

Like millions of people per cave. Man, we have been hiding in these caves for a while. Is there still no sign of Samuel? No, sir. Damn. Well, he's old, sir.

He's probably doing that thing where he wants to change outfits before he goes somewhere. Do old people do that? Oh, for sure. Yeah, they'll have a conversation after that about where they're going to sit in the car. Like, even before they get to the car. Oh, like an hour before they get to the car. Oh, yeah. No, it's like, dude, let's go out to the car and you can just sit in whatever fucking seat you want.

We don't need a fucking playbook for this. Hey, hey, maybe while we're in here we should, you know, sacrifice some animals. And also, stop adjusting the goddamn seat. You were the last one who sat in that seat. You did not grow or shrink nine inches since the last time you were in the fucking car. Okay, I'm gonna go

sacrifice some animals. Saul! Saul! Oh, hey, Samuel. Hey, Saul. So, uh, what are you doing there sacrificing animals? Well, um, allow me to explain. It took you a while, so I figured I, uh, we'd get started without you, you know. Okay, well, great.

Now God is pissed and he's going to take away your kingdom. You realize that's what's going to happen now, right? Because I sacrificed animals to him. Because you sacrificed animals to him without me. Oh, damn. Oh, so am I going to, like, lose the kingdom, like, now? Like, right now? No, not right now, but eventually.

And he's going to find a guy he likes better to be king. That's going to happen. All right right now, but eventually. And he's going to find a guy he likes better to be king. That's going to happen. All right. Well, got it. Hey, question. If God knows everything... You want to make him even madder? No.

No. No, you don't. I thought so. So, how are we set up for this battle against the Philistines? Well, I was just going to get to that. It's not great. We're hiding in caves, and they have a bunch of chariots and horsemen and a literally mathematically impossible number of foot soldiers. Okay.

How many swords do we have? Like, literally swords? The sharp, stabby things? Sharp, stabby swords, yes. Yeah, okay. Two. Mine and my son's. Two swords.

We have two. Two. Two. Two swords. That's rough. Right? Why do you think I was sacrificing some animals? It seems like that time would have been better spent making, I don't know, a third sword.

Well, I know that now. So with the Jews in a tight spot, we cut over to Jonathan, Saul's son, and his armor bearer making some mischief in the Philistine ranks. All right, armor bearer, here's the plan. Here's the plan. So we're going to go kill some Philistines, right? We'll go over there. And if they say, stay there and we'll fight you, we stay. Okay.

And if they say, come fight us, we go fight them. That'll be like a sign from God. Sound good? Yeah, whatever you say, Jonathan. I mean, whatever's in your heart is in my heart. Hey, just a quick question. Like, are we gay? I mean, everybody's a little gay.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, Jonathan and his armor bearer specifically, are they gay lovers together? I think they're just bros, they're they're bros who respond to suggestions of let's go kill some guys with the biblical equivalent of if you're a bird i'm a bird they're just bros who say that like they could be super bros no well but to heath's point like historically armor bearer was kind of Bible code for gay lover.

Right, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, like the way your grandmother calls somebody's partner their roommate. Yes, she did do that. She did. Plus, later in the book, armor-bearer is definitely going to mean gay lovers. So it's a specific thing in the Bible. Yeah, so Jonathan and his armor-bearer. Gay lover.

Yep, kill about 20 Philistines but this scares the shit out of them and they shake so much that there's an earthquake and they all start to kill each other. Philistines all start to kill each other for no reason? It's not clear.

At first it seems like maybe it was because of Jonathan killing people but then at the end of the chapter it it's just that God did it. So who knows? I mean, I have an idea. Ahem. Anyone have an opinion on Bean Dad they'd like to share? Bean Dad, you're not fucking with us.

You can't just coddle the fuck out of Bean Dad. What the fuck is a Bean Dad? It's a reference that Eli wrote into our show just to make sure that none of our material is evergreen. You bean dad's going to stick around. You guys see. You think it's the new Harambe. Right. Yeah.

No, super relevant Harambe. Now, anyway, so Saul gathers all the Jews together for a big post. The enemy killed themselves meeting Jews. all the Jews together for a big post-the-enemy-killed-themselves meeting. Jews, Jews, hear me, for I have commandments from God. Is my son here? No, he and his armor-bearer are at a bed and breakfast together in Maine. Well, yes, what good friends they are. Seems like a good friend activity. I mean, I'm sure it's, I'm sure it's fine if they miss this part. Anyway, don't eat anything. Anyone who eats anything- Is cursed by God?

Is, is cursed by God, yes. Got it. The usual. I thought it was cute. I didn't say it wasn't cute. I didn't say that. I said eating breakfast with strangers isn't a selling point for a place to stay. That's it. That's because you're a Mr. Grumpy Pants.

I'm not a Mr. Grumpy Pants. Hey, Jonathan. Oh, hey. Hey, Jews. How was your trip? It was lovely. Weird. Strangers.

Don't listen to him. So, yeah, okay. How are you guys doing? Oh, not bad. Uh, we just wanted to let you know about the new rules. Ooh, honey! Honey! Did you guys see this honey all over the ground? Not

to eat anything or you'll be cursed. What? Seriously? Yeah, sorry, we was trying to tell you. Yeah, we were. Cool, yeah, so maybe warn me faster next time? Maybe ask about the bed and breakfast after that? Maybe just lead with the thing where I would get cursed?

Don't mind him. He's a grumpy pants because he had to eat with strangers. I'm not Mr. Grumpy Pants, stop saying that. Also, this honey is great, and I'm pretty sure I'm like, enlightened now. You're enlightened now? Yeah. Enlightened, yeah. You guys should have some.

Get that, you know, Philistines killing sugar buzz going. And no, I'm good. Thank you. None for me, thanks. Fine. More for me. This will eat with strangers. So the Jews kill some more Philistines. They eat some sheep with some blood, which is not good.

They're not supposed to do that. So they get yelled at for that. And then they eat some sheep the right way. And then it's time for the big battle. Again, more. Yeah. Look, dude, you're the one who said you wanted to act out the whole damn Bible. That is fair. I did say that. Jews. Yeah. Look, dude, you're the one who said you wanted to act out the whole damn Bible. That is fair.

I did say that. Jews. Jews. Hear me? Yes, sir. Tonight? Tonight is the night that we kill the Philistines. I thought they all killed each other.

Okay, no. They didn't. There are more. Anyway, what do you think, God? God, should we kill some Philistines? What's he saying? Nothing, nothing. Did one of you sin?

I mean, yeah. Pretty constantly, yeah. No, no, not what I mean. I mean, like recently Pretty constantly, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, not what I mean. I mean, like, like, recently. Did anyone sin recently? Oh. Um. Because whoever sinned has to die.

So it was, uh. I don't care who it was, even if it was my own son. Whoever sinned has to die. Dead. Do you hear me? D-E-A-D. Dead. Even if it was my own son, whoever sinned has to die dead. Do you hear me? D-E-A-D. Dead. Okay.

If nobody's going to speak up, then I'm just going to draw lots and God is going to tell us who sinned. See? See? I told you. I knew you were going to use the spinny ball thing again. Samuel, get out of the Bible. You're not in this part of the Bible, Samuel. Fine.

Fine. Sorry. All right. And just to be clear, whoever sinned is going to die. Did you hear me? I said die. All right. All right.

Let's reach in here. And it says that Jonathan, my son, is the one who sinned. Yikes. Yeah, sorry about that, Dad. Sorry. It's just... Son, is this because of your armor bearer, if you know what I mean? What?

No. No, Dad, it's because I ate some honey. Oh. Pretty sure it's the honey. Oh, honey. They told me really slowly. Yeah, of course. Not to eat it.

Well, I'm sorry, son, but you have to die. Not so fast. Yeah. What? You're burying your gaze. I'm what now? Sorry, son, but you have to die. Not so fast. Yeah. What? You're burying your gays. I'm what now? It's a literary trope.

It's where you have a gay couple that achieves normalcy, but then they die tragically. Yeah, that's its roots in the comic book code. How is that a trope? Because it's a denial of queer normalcy. Yeah, it teaches that gay people don't deserve a happy ending, and they'll get one. Right, and then it contributes to the idea that gayness is an abnormality that's deserving of punishment,

even if they aren't explicitly killed for being gay. Okay, okay, fine, fine. Yeah, okay, fine. I won't kill my son for eating honey. Jeez, you people. Hooray! That's right, you, fine. I won't kill my son for eating honey. Jeez, you people. Hooray! That's right, you won't. All right, armor bearer, I guess we're gay now, huh?

Pretty sure we were gay for other reasons first, Mr. Grumpy Pants. I'm not Mr. Grumpy Pants. You're Mr. Grumpy Pants. So Saul leaves his son alive and then goes around killing Philistines some more until Samuel comes to him with a very special mission. Oh, let me guess. More genocide. Now you're getting it.

Saul! Saul! Saul! Saul! Yes, yes. Samuel. Saul, I've just spoken with God, and he wants you to go kill the Amalekites. Okay, got it.

No problem. Wait, wait, let me finish. He wants you to kill all of them, even the babies and their animals and stuff. All of them. Cool. Okay, moral book. Got it. Yes.

I mean, like, all of them, okay? Or God is going to be, like, really, really pissed if it's not all of them. Yeah, I get it. Do the babies twice just because, you know, they look really still when they're sleeping. Yeah, sleeping. Right, got it. Kill the babies.

Thank you. This is in the Bible. Yes, it is. Yes. Dude, Saul, seriously? Hey, Samuel, what's the matter? I explicitly told you to kill all the Amalekites and their babies. Look, I did, okay?

I even double-stabbed the babies, just like you told me, made little shish kebabs, it was adorable. It was a whole thing. Okay, then what are those? Those? Those? thing okay then and what are those those those those are the cows that i saved to sacrifice you were supposed to kill them and who the hell is this hi oh that's a gag yeah why the king of the amalekites why is he alive alive? He has a cool PlayStation 5. God is so pissed off right now.

I spent all night talking to him about this. He's furious. You did? Yes, I did. Give me that sword. So you guys want to play some Tomb Raider? Dude, what are you doing? I am cutting this guy into pieces in the hope that God is not mad at you anymore.

Oh, all over the rug. And look at this. I tore my new skirt. Yes, I see that. I am never coming back here again. You hear me? Never, ever, ever again. Oh, come on. Samuel. Samuel, don't do this. Oh, Samuel.

Come on. God totally regrets making you king. Aw. Jeez. And on that reminder that Eli using the script to drive a wedge between Heath and Don's friendship is the melodic fat lady of this segment, we're going to wrap up yet another edition of Bible Peace Theater. Love you, Don. It's the joke that keeps on giving.

I love you, too. Before we pull out tonight, I want to let you know that if you can't get enough me in your life, you can get some bonus me on the latest episode of the thinking atheist where i talked about the new book me and seth recorded that a little while back so it might be a bit out of date but religion is still ruining our global pandemic so it remains topical anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that won't be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows hot friend god awful movies to being a 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even new episode of our half sister show citation new to doing at noon eastern on

wednesday obviously i need to thank Heath Enright for spending a couple of years living in Georgia and letting a little bit of his sanity rub off. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for not living in Georgia for very similar reasons. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for talking a bunch of politically disengaged nitwits that she went to high school with

into actually voting this time around. I also want to thank our future robot overlords for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Guys, hustle up. You can't get here fast enough. I also want to thank Don Ford, voiceords for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Guys, hustle up. You can't get here fast enough. I also want to thank Don Ford, voice of Fantasy Adventure, but not that much. It's just kind of a pro forma thing. But most all, of course, I want to thank this week's most vivacious voters.

James, Duncan, John, Josh, Jonathan, Eric, Curtis, Lynn, Uncle Tacitus, Andrew Slowly, Explaining Political Philosophy is my kink, Melinda, Kate, Jaden, Magni, Arsena, Haley, Thomas, Tyler, Kelly, Jason, Nicolette, and Tom. James, Duncan, John, Josh, Jonathan, Eric, and Curtis, whose orgasms fuck with seismic equipment. Lynn, Uncle Tacitus, Andrew, Kink, Melinda, Kate, Jaden, and Magni, Arsena, whose IQs are higher than I had to be to watch those election results come in. And Haley, Thomas, Tyler, Kelly, Jason, Nicolette, and Tom, who are so badass, the National Guard had them on standby.

Together, these 20 tantalizingly taught troublemakers took time and treasure to tender a token of tribute to our tawdry truth-touting this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the steady source of income it takes to give us money, but if you do and want to, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, whereby you'll learn only access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingads.com. And if you'd like to help, we've been saving that money to buy more money with. You can also help a ton by telling a friend about the show and following at P-I-A-T Pod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast

are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. I've listened to Eli spend a bunch of time talking about which seat in the car he'll be sitting in.

That's an awful lot of that, and a lot of adjusting, too. In an Uber, he'll adjust an in. There's an awful lot of that and a lot of adjusting too. In an Uber, he'll adjust an Uber. Anyway. I'll adjust the driver's seat in an Uber. I'll be like, okay.

I can't see. Okay. All right. Sorry. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021.

All rights reserved.