The Scathing Atheist - 415: Slinger Swinger Edition

Episode Date: January 28, 2021

In this week’s episode, we’ll learn that Biden is both too Catholic and not Catholic enough, Qanon misses his cue, and we’ll don all the Don Ford we can afford. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Joe Biden gives second most religious inaugural address ever: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/21/what-message-did-bidens-religious-inauguration-speech-send-to-atheists/ Conservative Writer: Joe Biden is Our “First Anti-Catholic ‘Catholic’ President” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/25/conservative-writer-joe-biden-is-our-first-anti-catholic-catholic-president/ Survey: White Evangelicals still approve of Donald Trump: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/21/despite-everything-white-evangelicals-still-view-donald-trump-favorably/ ‘We Were Played’: QAnon’s Inauguration Day Meltdown: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/we-were-played-qanons-inauguration-day-meltdown/ Lady is mad at the Norwegian language for not catering to her religious bigotry enough: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/25/a-christian-wants-norway-to-stop-calling-the-statue-of-liberty-freedom-goddess-2/ Televangelist: Anyone Watching This Video is “Free from Every Symptom of COVID” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/25/televangelist-anyone-watching-this-video-is-free-from-every-symptom-of-covid/ Tony Spell threatens to tell God judge ruled against him: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/26/anti-mask-pastor-tells-judge-she-ruled-against-god-after-another-legal-setback/ The Church of a Christian Hate-Preacher Was Bombed Over the Weekend: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/25/the-church-of-a-christian-hate-preacher-was-bombed-over-the-weekend/ Multiple sad little preachers still say Trump is going to win: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/23/christian-who-spread-prophecies-about-trumps-victory-says-itll-still-happen/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/23/preacher-trump-will-still-win-we-must-be-patient-like-noah-with-the-ark/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/20/christian-prophetess-god-told-me-trump-won-so-bidens-inauguration-is-fake/ Scott Lively Says Trump Was Too Pro-Gay, So God Removed Him From Office https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/scott-lively-says-trump-was-too-pro-gay-so-god-removed-him-from-office/ --- This Week in Misogyny: AZ bill proposes death penalty for abortion doctors: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/01/22/arizona-republicans-file-bill-to-punish-abortion-doctors-with-the-death-penalty/ Biden reinstates effort to replace Jackson with Tubman on twenty dollar bill: https://www.npr.org/sections/biden-transition-updates/2021/01/25/960417969/biden-administration-will-speed-up-efforts-to-put-harriet-tubman-on-20-bill

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language in its most juvenile form. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by My Sheets Rock, and by their much less successful sister company, My Shits Reek. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hello, my name is Brian, and I'm a licensed engineer. And I can confidently state that looking at the human body, we were not designed in any way. If anything, the body clearly demonstrates that we evolved from filthy, dirty monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's January 28th. And it's Rattlesnake Roundup Day. That sounds dangerous. Eh, I've read Matthew. I'll probably be fine. Well, there you go. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. And from halfway to vaccinated New Jersey and red

town blue state, this is the scathing atheist. On this week's episode, we'll learn that Biden is both too Catholic and not Catholic enough. QAnon misses his Q. And we'll don all the Don Ford that we can afford. But first, the diet track. The Diet Track. I never envy religious people more than I do when the people I love are suffering. And when you reach that point where empathy is painful, you so desperately want something that'll stave it off. Not the empathy, of course, but the pain at the root of it. And religious people have all their little practice platitudes, and woo people have all their pseudo-profundities,

and what do we have? We have nothing but reality. We can't say anything that doesn't actually mean something. Those are our rules, so we're left to say shit like, if there's anything I can do to help, let me know, even though we know there's nothing we can do to help. Of course, this is kind of what religion is there for in the first place, right? I mean, it evolved for a number of different reasons,

but the main reason we seem to tolerate it now in the modern day is that the alternative is coping with loss and propping up a tax free multibillion dollar institution built on lies and child rape is, for most people, at least the easier option. And, you know, to be fair, I should admit that we atheists do have some of our own platitudes. Ours are definitely more clever, but their platitudes, nonetheless, like A lot of atheists, myself included, have tossed out variations of that Mark Twain quote. Twain said, I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. And that's witty. That's funny. That's why Mark Twain said it. It's witty and it's funny, but if that actually helps you cope

with your own mortality, I dare say you haven't given your own mortality a hell of a lot of thought. But, you know, I mean, we use stuff like that anyway because we're not immune from that deep-seated desire to push thoughts of death away and cord them off behind whatever sentence promises to hold them back the longest. As much as it might seem like it in the moment, this isn't exactly a mark in religion's column. The fact that they can do that and that we can't. The fact that religion is an effective way to short circuit our empathy is not a positive. No matter how you choose to phrase it. The fact that I envy their ability to do it doesn't mean I'd take it if they offered it to me. I mean, they have.

They do. Constantly. And with great insistence. And I've chosen reality instead, along with all its warts and blemishes. And sometimes that means confronting shit that I'd rather hide from. And I didn't choose this because I'm i'm tough damn it or because i have some abstract fidelity to logic yeah if illogical beliefs made it easier to cope with day-to-day grief then being illogical would be the logical thing to do right but there's a value in confronting

the shit nobody else wants to confront like like consider how much better we would do as a society at dealing with euthanasia if we weren't all hiding from conversations about death yeah as it stands our policies about death with dignity are random cruel and often governed by religious fantasy and at least part of that stems from the way we avoid that topic at all costs consider how poorly we treat our elderly in this society we hide them away and we make sure that only a specially trained subset of us ever have to deal with them. We keep the visibly dying out of sight so that we can keep them out of mind. And the consequences of that are horrific. I mean, you know, granted, visibly dying people aren't going to get out and about all that much regardless of our societal attitudes, but we barely even talk about them. What's more, look, mortality is ultimately a solvable problem.

Immortality doesn't violate any laws of physics or anything. And if you think about it, the fact that solving that problem isn't our number one scientific and social priority is fucking crazy. I mean, yeah, sure, there are scientists all over the world tackling all the constituent problems that would go into curing stuff like aging. But as often as not, they're being thwarted by shit as stupid as moral objections to stem cell research. Hell, even now, many of you immediately started thinking about problems like overpopulation and unequal distribution when I mentioned curing aging.

And yes, those would be serious issues to deal with. But I'm totally fine with the idea of achieving immortality first and then sorting out all the side effects afterwards, okay? And I mean, this doesn't just matter on a grand societal scale. Our willingness to look this in the eye also matters on the personal level. It also matters that no matter what series of words I offer up to a friend who's grieving, I know I haven't given them shit. It matters that I know I haven't alleviated my obligations of friendship

just because I said some magic words about better places and higher callings. And it matters that I recognize my job as a friend and a loved one isn't to eradicate the suffering but rather to remain throughout it and share in it see the reason why atheists don't have any good words when their loved ones are suffering is because there aren't any right it's like gods we all have the same amount but the atheists are the only ones willing to admit that that number is zero they're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the crushed red pepper to buy Parmesan cheese, Eli Bosnick.

Eli, are you ready to give everyone a pizza your mind? You know it, Noah. And like crushed red pepper, I think we can all agree I'm a little much and some people don't like me. All right. Well, somehow eli's meatless cheeseless life just got even more depressing so i need a minute you need a word from this week's sponsor my sheets rock absolutely not we agreed the fish would stay in the kitchen

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Oh, boy. You are being detained. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Joe Biden is astronomically better than Donald Trump. Yes, he is. After four years of drifting at sea, drinking our own political urine to stay hydrated, devouring the flesh of those that didn't make it, we have finally been sighted by a real boat with a captain and everything.

What's more, from everything we've seen so far, he seems like a pretty solid captain. All that being said, I can criticize the man's taste in music without saying I want to get back on the dead guy piss drinking raft. OK, now, for obvious reasons, I was hesitant to do so while they were still pulling us aboard their fucking boat. But now we're on board. It's safe to point it out when, like, he accidentally steps on you, especially because he probably didn't mean to. And all that is my prolonged caveat before I dare to say that Biden needs to dial back all this Jesus talk. Oh, boy, does he? It's just like, don't worry, you're safe now. Here's your foil blanket and your Jesus pamphlet. There you go. Right. You want some soup?

So to illustrate the point, I want to turn to an analysis that the Washington Post posted on the day of Biden's inauguration, where they compared his speech word for word with every other inaugural address in American history, and they highlighted some of the key differences. Right, like they went through and they showed all the words that he used that had never been used in one of these before many of those are meaningless like cascade crucible and shoes is some of them were a product of the moment like uncivil virus and pandemic and some were damn meaningful like nativism systemic inequity etc and one was folks because it's joe biden yep but another important nuance they pointed out was that he used the word faith god or other religious words the second most of

any other presidential inauguration in history beaten out only by dwight eisenhower at the absolute height of the godless commies are coming for your low low apr cold war hysteria and as atheists we should probably at least talk about that right yeah and i'm pretty sure if he'd given the same speech but you swapped out the jesus stuff for his deep and personal commitment to finally hunt down bigfoot once and for all someone besides the atheists would have known it. Right? Yes. No, of course, I'm hardly the only atheist that felt that way upon hearing the speech. The FFRF issued a press release asking for, quote, less religion, more true unity, end quote. And American atheist President Nick Fish sent out a tweet that read in part, quote,

the calls for unity well needed, unfortunately still presumed religiosity and excluded the one third of Americans who are non-religious, end quote. And as Hemant Mehta pointed out on The Friendly Atheist, acknowledging the non-religious in his inauguration would just put him on par with Obama, who at least gave us a name check back in 2008. Yeah, but don't worry, AOC is going to slaughter Aslan the lion at her inauguration, so it balances out. There is a fucking sticker i would put on my

bumper now many of our listeners have pushed back with my discomfort about all biden's jesus talk by trying to paint him as a good christian right like as though his constant references to religion will somehow become harmless simply because he doesn't engage in the same theocratic bullshit that trump did huh it's weird how people don't do that with other inherently incorrect and dangerous beliefs, right? Like, oh, no, Steve, he's a good racist. Honestly, he's just in it

for the community organizer. It's a real barbecues. Right. But our bar needs to be higher than better than Trump people. And by calling for unity throughout his speech before talking about how america is

sustained by faith like that matters it matters in the sense that it delegitimizes a lot of people yes one can be a christian and a good president but part of that is acknowledging that the non-religious have every bit as much claim to morality unity and american identity as anybody else and failing to make some noise about this is, if nothing else, denying Biden an opportunity to do better. Exactly. Exactly. And in cathaholic news tonight,

not everyone is as convinced of Joe Biden's religiosity as Noah is. Specifically, conservative Catholics like Dr. robert royal the president of the faith and reason institute in washington dc who took to an internet publication called i'm not fucking kidding the catholic thing this week to call joe biden our first quote anti-Catholic Catholic president. Bob looked into all two of them and this is the one. What? Yeah. So here's what Royal had to say, quote, the thing that's most unprecedented that's given rise to these recent in-house Catholic squabbles is the election of a self-described Catholic

president who not only believes personally that abortion gay marriage he performed on his vice president transgenderism the civil rights issue of our time and much more are matters of overriding political urgency despite the long teachings of the church in american history he's determined actually seems to be going out of his way to impose those views on all of us and what the majority that voted for him, those views. OK, so to be clear, 64 percent of American Catholics disagree with the idea that abortion is necessarily immoral. Fifty seven percent of them support same sex marriage.

Sixty eight percent say they're more supportive of trans rights than they were five years ago. And 67 percent oppose laws that would allow professionals and businesses to discriminate against lgbtq people so by bobby standards the majority of catholics are anti-catholic well actually that tracks i've met a lot of catholics i was gonna say apostates the lot of you is almost catholicism's catchphrase at this point. Yeah, no. He continues, you can carry around rosary beads and bless yourself publicly

as much as you want, but please don't expect Catholics to be blind or stupid. How about I meet you halfway? Didn't expect to be blind. Really? Full grown adult man who believes bread turns into flesh of a dead Palestinian? Don't expect you to be blind. I was like, really? Full grown adult man who believes bread turns into flesh of a dead Palestinian.

Don't expect you to be stupid. Whatever you say, Bobby. You say. He concludes, quote, but when a Catholic politician openly chooses to follow his wayward political party rather than his church, lays out a whole set of policies that will negatively impact the church and immediately sets out to implement them. He's seeking neither civic unity nor religious fidelity, end quote. Well, yeah, I mean, because you can disagree with Donald Trump's policies all you want, but you have to admit that they brought about, checks notes, civil unity.

Yeah, he's a real people pleaser. So strong words from the B-dog, but don't worry. I'm not just going to stand at the sidelines and let the catholic church tear itself apart no no i've sent several videos of joe biden sniffing little girls to mr royal and uh according to traditional catholic doctrine problem is solved yeah we just need to move him to a different white house it'll be fine and in pulls apart news tonight, evangelical leaders that have unabashedly supported Donald Trump for the last four years plus are so busy

trying to rewrite the past that they've neglected entirely to rewrite the present. That's right. Even as moderate evangelical voices try to distance their denomination from the least moral person to ever not mass murder anyone in all of history, we learned from the Public Religion Research Institute that a wide majority of them still support the motherfucker. In fact, over 60% of white evangelicals, aka evangelicals, still view him favorably. Even other religious demographics did significantly better than that, with the next highest white mainline Protestants coming in at only 41 percent. Yeah. And what's terrifying is that number would probably be higher if he had mass murdered people.

Oh, wow. The not mass murdering probably cost him 10 points with the evangelicals. Jesus Christ, you're right. It did. it did okay so it's all it's worth noting too that evangelicals are also losing that reverence for the office of president that they so recently had at the core of their very being while biden's overall approval rating is way higher than donald trump's ever was at any point and not just his presidency but his life he has seen a significant loss of support amongst who else white christians since the election biden's seen his favorability rating drop from 64% to 44%

amongst white mainline Protestants and from 44% to 20% amongst white evangelicals. And given all that's transpired in the interim, that can only be the cost of refusing to voluntarily concede an election that he absolutely won and unilaterally installing Donald Trump as president. So white Christians are kind of going out of their way to remind us that there's absolutely no goddamn reason for us to reach across the aisle to them to try to meet them halfway on anything to consider their side of an argument or to deal with them in good faith from a political perspective ever and anybody who says otherwise needs to stop giving Charlie Brown shit about the football at least. Let's give the

scorpion a couple of rides across the river and then we'll see. Need to everybody. And in sucks to be Q News. I haven't had this much fun since Harold Camping's acolytes gathered on 5th Avenue. Yes, please. Please.

I've loved these stories so goddamn much. It's been a hard month to be a QAnon believer. Aw. I mean, to be fair, it's been a hard all the times to be a QAnon believer because Q's never been right about anything, which statistically is actually kind of impressive. Oh, yeah. But this past couple of weeks was supposed to be his Hail Mary,

his big reveal, his coup de grace, if you will. And while we might have gotten the coup, it was anything but grossful. Yeah, yeah. Normally coup de grace is a mispronunciation, but in this case, look, I don't care if only four people get it. A goddamn funny joke is a goddamn funny joke.

Thank you. Thank you. Anyway anyway as a result the QAnon community or the Qternet as I call them have lost their goddamn minds and the responses are delicious my friends obviously some crazy people are very sad like one user on the QAnon telegram channel, which I am now a part of, who said, quote, it's over. We were played. I'm going to go throw up now. Or another who said quite poetically, I'm crying and tired of this pain. All the evil is being praised right now while we sit and watch. No arrests, no swamp reveal, nothing.

If it helps, I'll buy those tears at $5 an ounce. You and me both. Yeah, even Ron Watkins, a former admin of the 8-kun message board where Q first appeared, seemed ready for a transfer of power from

nothing to reality, saying quote, we gave it our all. Now we need to keep our chins up and go back to our lives as best we are able. We have a new president sworn in, and it is our responsibility as citizens to respect the Constitution, regardless of whether or not we agree with the specifics or details regarding officials who are sworn in, end quote. Yeah, but that doesn't really work for your thing, does it? No. Right?

Because for those of us in reality, we can be like, well, you know, we're just going to have to really double down and win things back in the midterm, but we'll work twice as hard to save all of those pedophile victims, satanic sacrifice babies in 2024.

That's a shitty rallying cry. Guy, fair is fair. We have to let the children have their adrenal glands sucked out by hillary clinton and bill clinton they flipped georgia who saw it coming i mean sucking the adrenal glands out of children is one thing but the constitution is very important it's important to me we live in a society full of pedophile cannibals now other q believers are more hopeful there are several people who have shifted to believe that biden is q now what a popular theory is that the 17 flags behind trump were a reference to q because

q is the 17th letter of the alphabet and so so everything's going great. Don't worry about that. I mean, that might be why you use 17 flags, honestly. But my favorite reaction to all the absolutely nothing has been the poetic ramblings. Whether it be on the greatawakening.win or Twitter, the internet is filled with the songs of ancient mariners, like nonsensical sorrow that AOC wasn't arrested for drinking babies, or as one telegram user put it, quote, he has left me here looking out over the sea, watching and waiting. No

word, no letter, no sign, nothing tangible on which I can depend. I could wait forever, but no true sign. So very sad. So very sad. Take a minute to picture him.

He's probably doing that on his phone as he actually looks out over the sea. He's doing it on his Blackberry. So hard to type. The letters are small. Very tiny.

And in Norway-ing me down news tonight. We learned the Norwegian word for Karen this week and it's Raiden Le Fleur. Raiden is an American woman who currently lives in Norway, and she wrote an angry letter to Norwegian.

Yes. The language of Norwegian demanding that their word for the Statue of Liberty, Frihetsgudnin, or Freedom Goddess, be changed to something that more thoroughly acknowledges Christ's supremacy as the world's only true God? Oh, no illusions. Imagine having that kind of free time. Right? Think of the books we'd write, the songs we would sing if we had this woman's time.

So admittedly, this isn't really a story. It's a dumbass Facebook post that got picked up by a few atheist resources, including the Intrepid Hammett meta at the Friendly Atheist blog. But it's so goddamn stupidly hilarious that I have to talk about it. Yes, we do. And if you find yourself feeling bad about laughing at this nincompoop, I should point out in advance of the quote that she's a Trump supporter. Shocked. Shocked, I say. All right. So first the term. Right. So the Statue of Liberty was designed by Frederick Auguste Bertholdi or something like that and it was based on libertas the ancient roman goddess of liberty so calling the statue freedom goddess is accurate yes it is like like more so than us calling her lady liberty or even the statue of liberty but but accuracy has never stood in the way of christian outrage

before and it wasn't about to start so upon learning what that translation meant lafleur wrote a letter to the nation's language council which she partially reprinted on her facebook page quote i was horrified when i heard a norwegian call this symbol of freedom a goddess do people in norway pray to this statue as a goddess That's three question marks in case you're wondering. Yes, three. Yep. I'm telling you that no one in America worships this statue as a goddess.

No one kneels in front of it and prays to it. She continues, somehow more stupidly now. This is the best. I love this so goddamn much. My homeland was based on the desire

to worship the one true God freely the way they wanted. Okay. To then call this symbolic statue a goddess is to defile that ideal. End quote. No smoking in Smokevania. What is hard to understand about this? So, yeah. So, no word on whether the Norwegian language has offered Miss LeFleur an apology,

but I have it on good authority that if they don't at least give her a free dessert, she will not be bringing her bridge club there anymore for brunch. Not a good tip either. I mean, not that she's tipped before. No, she's extra. And in missing persons news, you know, what with all the something happening to stop COVID these days, it's easy to forget how much dangerous nothing is still killing people every single day.

Well, luckily for us here at the Scathing Atheist, Kenneth Copeland's son-in-law and brother-in-con George Persons took to the pulpit this week to tell everyone watching and paying that they were cured of COVID-19. Huh. I've been trying to think all morning of what to put under your seats, like to have not having COVID. I can't put a syringe under there. I'm just going to tell y'all. I'll tell you. Surprise.

I'm just gonna tell y'all I'll tell you Now it's worth mentioning that the Copeland family Has had a less than stellar record When it comes to COVID-19 Papa-in-law Kenny Copes Tried blowing, oily handing And praying COVID away All the way back in March

To demonstrably no effect So persons decided it was his turn This week saying Father we thank you right now and praise you that covet 19 is a name and the name of jesus is above that name covet 19 bow your knee bow your knee to the name which is above every other name yeah it's like guys look if you find yourself fixing the same appliance again and again. You were never actually fixing that appliance. He concludes,

and I thank you that this congregation is healed and whole and delivered. Really? And Lord, all of those that are watching us right now, they are free from every symptom of COVID. We believe it, we receive it, and we thank you, Father, for it, in Jesus' name. End dangerous quote.

Damon, I just magically made them all asymptomatic carriers again, didn't I? Fuck it. Oh, beans. I don't wear masks. Damn it. Yeah, so no word yet if Persons will be releasing a booster prayer for the UK variants, but I think his message has been perfectly clear. There's nothing wrong

with coughing on George Persson. He has magic powers. He's fine. Well, he is totally fine. All right. Well, now that you've got your marching orders, I suppose we can take a quick break

and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey!

I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. It's like those motherfuckers in Arizona heard my good news segment last week. It's like they heard it and they thought, oh, fuck, happy feminist. We need to do something about that shit. So they, and by they, I mean Republican Stateter blackman and nye co-sponsoring geo pieces of shit introduced house bill 2650 a bill that would if enacted define abortion as homicide and yes that means that doctors who perform abortions at any stage of pregnancy

could be charged with murder and presumably any woman who submits to an abortion could be charged with accessory to murder. Oh, and in case you are unaware, yes, Arizona is a death penalty state. So they're literally trying to pass a law that could lead to abortion doctors being executed for doing their jobs. And just in case this bill wasn't fucked up enough, I should note that they don't even build in an exception for rape, incest, or threat to the pregnant woman's life. Now, some people refuse to get all that worked up over bills like this because they can't possibly survive long enough to become laws. And while I understand how you get there, here's a couple things to keep in mind before you set aside your outrage. The first is that given today's Supreme Court, you can't possibly be as confident today as you were five years ago when it comes to laws like this. And secondly, regardless of the fate of the law, it sends a clear and dangerous message that the proper

punishment for abortion doctors is death. Even if we lived in a world where no anti-abortion zealot had ever assassinated an abortion doctor, that would still be terrifying. And we don't live in that world. But you know what? Arizona can't keep me down this week. I'm still riding high on having a female vice president and a misogynist relegated to Mar-a-Lago. And it should come as no surprise that we're already seeing important movement in the right direction. For example, the chauvinistic assholery that stalled efforts to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill seems to be coming to a close. So quick refresher here. Back in 2016, Obama's treasury secretary announced that Tubman's portrait would replace the one of the genocidal to be coming to a close. So quick refresher here. Back in 2016, Obama's Treasury Secretary

announced that Tubman's portrait would replace the one of the genocidal slave owner that we have on there now. And the idea was to do it in 2020 to coincide with the 100th anniversary of women's suffrage. And also doing a 20 thing in 2020 is just cool. Anyway, in the meantime, we voted in a misogynistic man baby who was a big fan of genocidal slave owners. So those efforts stalled. But we learned on Monday that the Biden administration would not just reinstate the effort, but accelerate it. And I don't know about you, but I can't fucking wait for these idiots to start trying to boycott $20 bills. And while we eagerly await that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in spellbound

news tonight, threatening judges with divine judgment for denying your motion strikes me as a bad idea, but that didn't stop Tony Spell. That's the Louisiana pastor and the guy who I'm not allowed to introduce as murderer, despite all the people he intentionally killed with COVID. Now, you'll remember Pastor Spell for repeatedly holding large gatherings in his Louisiana church despite statewide lockdown orders right at the very beginning of the pandemic, even as his congregants started dropping dead. Or maybe you'll remember him for the Tony Spell stimulus challenge where he double-dog dared his supporters to send him all their stimulus money.

Or maybe you'll even remember him for allegedly trying to back his goddamn bus into a person protesting his church's refusal to abide by public safety ordinances well he is still in trouble for a depressingly small amount of that stuff and this week a judge denied his motion to dismiss all charges to which spell threatened quote you just ruled against god get ready for the judgment of God. End quote. But only because the guy in front of him had used magic powers. Right. Exactly.

Don't you wave your wand at me? No, of course. But I should point out that Tony didn't actually have the guts to directly threaten a sitting judge who was still presiding over his case. Instead, he offered his theological assessment from outside the courthouse because his fucking plague rat mask-refusing ass isn't even allowed in the goddamn courtroom. He was there with a small cadre of supporters waving American flags and wearing t-shirts in defense of free breathing. Amazing. Yeah, of course, they're selectively passionate about depending on whether or not you're talking about that hippie pollution shit yeah or standing next to them in an elevator yes it turns out

and as if to remind the judge how pointless anything but the maximum allowable penalty would be he told the gathered crowd quote we will never comply we will always resist we will always stand up for the word of god and the First Amendment of the United States, end quote. And just in case it wasn't clear in the quote, the thing he will always resist is the survival of the people around him. They will never take our murder actions. Right. Yeah. Now, as much as I'd love to see the judge throw the book at this homicidal dick crust and as much as he's daring or two,

I seriously doubt that he'll see any real consequences for his action. judge throw the book at this homicidal dick crust and as much as he's daring or two i seriously doubt that he'll see any real consequences for his action and his defiant pomposity is a damn clear indicator that he feels the same way right something tells me his murder for the cause act dries up instantly if he's legitimately facing 18 minutes in a real jail but the best the fucking prosecutor could manage last week was to argue that, quote, if a religion begins to declare that it can do whatever it wants, then we are no longer a nation of laws, end quote.

The Supreme Court has made it super clear that they don't give the slightest sliver of a shit about that particular consequence. Nope. Brett Kavanaugh was like, yeah, you hear that? Write that down, Clarence. No longer a nation of laws, right in the center of my fucking vision board. Exactly.

And in bomb ass preaching news. In what Noah and Andrew assure me is bad news that is not at all hilarious. An improvised explosive device went off inside the First Works Baptist Church in El Monte, California this week. Now, I should clarify clarify nobody was hurt and there are no suspects but the leader of the church is homophobe and underpaid terrorist extra in an 80s movie bruce magia yeah like to be clear i only find this not at all hilarious on the advice of my lawyer right yeah exactly exactly credit where credit's due. So regular listeners may remember Mejia for his anti-Halloween rant when he told his parishioners, quote,

sorry to, you know, crash the party on this whole fun you're having here. I know you already bought your Frozen costume, but trick-or-treating is wicked as hell and you're worshiping Satan, actually, and your daughter is dressed like a whore because that girl in Frozen is a whore. Sorry to crash the party on you about that.

She's not a princess. She's a whore. End quote about Elsa from Frozen. Right. Dude, Bruce, it's not that she's ignoring your texts. It's that she's a cartoon. She's a cartoon, man. Alright. Don't take it personal.

Now, less hilariously, he is also called directly for the deaths of LGBTQ people, claiming the acronym stands for let God burn them quickly and saying, quote, they should die. And I will never grieve over a sodomite that is killed or that is put to death or any other way that they die. I will never grieve for that. In fact, I will rejoice over that. Make a clip out of that and put that in the news. And I had a joke here about how if history is any guide, this idiot almost certainly did it himself for the attention. But I have no evidence for that joke. And so our

very nervous, very sweaty lawyer made us remove it. But Magia's bigotry is way more harmful than a pipe bomb in any event and even if someone planted a bomb in this nowhere church made of nothing but hate to quote the man himself i will never grieve for that in fact i will rejoice over that make a clip out of that and put it in the news you're putting shit in the news and in your denialage may vary news tonight oh fantastic thank you while we revel in the embittered bafflement of the q anon conspiracy theorists and divine predictors of trump's victory that are only now coming to grips with their holistic wrongness we should be careful not to overlook the even more hilarious category of people who have not yet realized or come to

grips with the fact that they are wrong or at least haven't yet publicly admitted that they've realized that they were wrong. And if you're thinking to yourself, but how long can they possibly maintain an assertion that's easily proven false by the slightest application of observation or deduction, I'd like to remind you that the people we're talking about are Christians. Yeah. And not just any Christians, my friends, professional Christians. Right. Yeah, exactly. christians yeah and not just any christians my friends professional christians right yeah exactly so first up we have christian prophetess and live action anime villain kat kerr who spent months

leading up to the election predicting or rather prophesying that trump would win in a landslide and that led many of us to wonder aloud and perhaps even take intra-office bets on which of those words she'd eventually redefine in order to maintain her claims of inerrancy. Yeah, and to settle those bets, by the way, the word was landslide, which does not mean win by a lot. It means things happening eventually. Right, yes, exactly. His land sometimes moves slow. Yeah, but it turned out she's not changing her definitions to match reality, but rather changing reality to meet her definitions. her definitions to match reality, but rather changing reality to meet her definitions.

The day before Biden's inauguration, she was interviewed by illegitimate love child of Mr. Magoo and Kirby, Steve Schultz, where he explained that sure. Excellent. You stop and you Google Steve Schultz right now, podcast listener. That's cool. He made it so easy on me. Yeah.

But she explained on that show that Biden, like, yeah, he was going to be inaugurated, but only fakely. Quote, something is happening, major. And I want to encourage everyone right from the start. That doesn't mean that Biden won't have his fake inauguration tomorrow. But you have to understand it's not what's real. End quote.

Also, there's a fake Senate, fake executive order, fake effectual COVID. Draw me a maze, Steve. Now, I should also add with a nod to right wing watch for pointing this out that Steve Schultz, who also prophesied Trump's reelection, posted a video a while back where he said he would apologize for promoting false prophecies if Trump failed to serve a second term. And while Kerr was spouting her bullshit, as you may have guessed, Schultz wasn't interrupting to apologize. Instead, he posted a video a couple of days later explaining that he didn't need to apologize because Trump still will serve a second term in answer to a hypothetical question about how the hell he can still claim that since there is literally no possible way that it

can still happen at this point. Schultz said, quote quote god never works with possibilities he works with impossibilities the fair yeah he's got us it gets even worse when he wants to show up and show off he makes sure every single possibility is exhausted so that man can never say, see, I knew if we held on long enough that the Supreme Court would do this or something like that. End quote. Okay. So his argument is, so you know how God's existence is impossible and a logical contradiction? My support for Donald Trump's second term as president is like that.

Yes. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. like that yes yeah exactly exactly but perhaps my favorite and mostly because he's the one who looks most pissed off about it is nebraska preacher and generic henchman hank kuniman of one voice ministries he took to the youtubes this week to compare all the assholes who seem to think that joe biden is going to become president just because it already happened to those doomed souls who doubted Noah's warnings of the flood, which also didn't happen. So broken cloud I guess. But according to

Kuhneman, everybody needs to quit, quote, putting so much emphasis on an inauguration date, end quote, and that barring that his detractors should, quote, shove it, end quote. You're going to drown just like the dinosaurs and the unicorns did

got you is his political argument you lose and finally tonight in manna lively news not every christian prophet still has their money on trump as the days turn to weeks and the weeks to months, the slow transformation from Trump supporter to hating Trump the whole time has already started to happen. And personally, I'd like to give a big shout out to Scott Lively for being the very first rat to jump

the sinking ship on our show when he declared this week that God removed Donald Trump from office because he was too pro-gay. Wow. Now, so I should clarify, he's not so much the first rat to jump from the sinking ship as, like, the rat

that, like, realized the ship was sinking only as it settled on the ocean floor and then thought to himself, oh, fuck, did we spring a leak? But that puts him ahead of so many other ship rats on this particular ship. Sure does. So regular listeners

may remember Scott Lively for calling the acceptance of homosexuality a dress rehearsal for the end times, which is a stupid thing to say. Gay people dress awesome. It doesn't make any sense.

Or for the fact that he looks like he's being escorted out of an Orson Scott card lookalike contest for committing too hard. You know, lots of reasons.

But also, regardless, like, shouldn't we do a dress rehearsal for the end times? Right. Wouldn't that be better than just winging it or working from a table? The blocking is going to fucking matter on this one, guys. Come on, people. You want to drop one of the seven bowls? Drop one of the seven bowls. You look like an asshole.

So side note, unrelated. I am seriously starting to suspect that Christian idiots name their shows just to fuck with us here at the Scathing Atheist. Because this is what Scott had to say on his show Swamp Rangers this week. Swamp Rangers. Quote, if Donald Trump was, as I believe, God's man in the White House for four years, why did God not preserve it? Because if God had given him favor, nothing that mankind could have done could have removed him from that office. And yet, the one thing that he did during that time that would virtually guarantee God's favor being removed was to put his own personal stamp of approval on behavior that God condemns in the harshest possible terms in the bible which is specifically male homosexuality end quote that you he's in it donald was fucking dudes in

there man god made you stormy daniels donald not daniel stormy joke works almost as well if i use a real name too right yes well done and to be fair to lively trump did not get around to stoning any gays to death which god is very clear about wanting in the bible so that's true yeah you might have a point there secondarily today i learned me and scott lively both fans of lesbian porn so you know win win and on a high note that's all i'm saying well and speaking of lesbian porn i need to take a quick break. So we're going to close headlines right there. Eli, thanks as always.

Jumanji. Weird that Heath would just show up long enough to say Jumanji right there. And when we come back, it'll slowly dawn on you that we never actually went anywhere. Fauci. Fosse. Fauci. Fosse. Fauci. Fauci. Fow.

Fow. Chi. Chi. Fauci. Chi-fow. You know what, never mind. Are you ready to do Bible Peace Theater? Oh, yeah. Bible Peace Theater is this week.

Yeah, for sure. Where are we? So Saul didn't kill all the Amalekites like God asked him, so God's now going to find another king. Again. Jesus. How many kings have there been in this book of the Bible?

This will be three. Don, when did you get here? This morning, I made pancakes. Oh. I thought that was me. You thought you made pancakes and then forgot? I could do that. Okay.

Uh-huh. Stupid Saul made me tear my skirt because I was so mad. Ritz and frotz and pritz and protz. Hey, Samuel. Samuel, what's up? What's up, big guy? What's the matter, huh? Oh, hey, God. Samuel, what's up? What's up, big guy? What's the matter, huh? Oh, hey, God. It's weird. I thought you'd have a different voice this week of some sort.

Nope. No. No, thank you. Gonna ride this puppy out till it gets stale. That tracks. Anyway, it's Saul. He didn't kill all the Amalekites, and I'm mad at him. Aw, well, me too, buddy. Me too. But how about we go find another king, huh? A new one. I hear Jesse has some sweet sons we could take a look at. Oh, I... You know, I'd love to, God,

but I can't go around telling people that I'm looking for a replacement king. Saul would have me killed. Oh, good point. Good point. But don't worry. I've got a plan. Huh?

Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst. Oh. Jesse! Oh, Samuel. Hi. What brings you to my house? Oh, me? I was just sacrificing this cow. Oh, because I heard you might be searching for a new king. And we don't want any trouble from Saul. What? A new king? No, that's no. No, I just, I would, I just needed some of your sons to help me sacrifice this very normal cow. Oh, well, okay,

I guess. Eliab? Yes, dad? You guys are picturing me with super sweet abs, right? Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah, absolutely. I am. Yeah. Anyway, son, why don't you help Samuel here sacrifice his cow, huh? Sure thing, Dad. This is the guy, right?

Sorry, what did you say, Samuel? Oh, I'm talking to God. About the cow. Oh. Okay. No. Okay. What about the other one with the long hair? Look at him.

We actually don't have a cow with long hair. Don't interrupt. Seriously. All right, whatever you say. Whatever who says, I'm sorry. Talking to God, Eliab. Jesse? Yeah, Samuel? Is this all of the sons that you have?

No, there's my youngest son, David. Let me see him. Sure, David. Come on over here, kiddo. Yes, Daddy. Sure, uh, David, come on over here, kiddo. Yes, daddy. Oh, yeah. God definitely wants me to spread my oil all over that kid's face and chest.

Who, me? You know, for a book this homophobic, it's, um, it's pretty gay, right? Yeah, it's certainly pretty gay. Yeah. Anyway, cut over to Saul, who is now being plagued by an evil spirit. 94 bottles of beer on the wall. 94 bottles of beer. You take one down, you pass it around.

93 bottles of beer on the wall. Okay, well, how do I, you know, make this stop? Noah, Don is doing his impression of Heath again. Don, Don, stop doing your incredibly funny and accurate impression of Heath. Okay, fine, fine. It's too accurate. Oh, won't someone relieve me of this evil spirit's troubles? Um, hi, Saul. Yes, servant, what is it?

Well, you know, I couldn't help but notice that you were being troubled by an evil spirit. Maybe a new armor bearer would help? Somebody to play the harp for you? Sure, why not? Hey, uh, David? Yes? I'll leave you two alone. Well, hello there.

David, is it? Yeah. Nice boner. Sorry, did I just tell Eli nice boner? Wait, Don gets to call beeps now? What is happening? Yeah, Don. So aside from all the armor bearer stuff that we talked about last time,

Hebrew scholars point out that the Bible uses the Hebrew words, David stood before Saul, that are only like one letter off of David got a boner in front of Saul. So yeah, this is almost certainly a gay thing. Really? Yeah, really. Good to know. Can't just call beeps call beeps don we live in a society and anyway so Saul and David are you know special friends and now it's time to fight the philistines again uh specifically their biggest baddest soldier goliath fucking soldier, Goliath. Fucking call beep what I want to call beep, Eli. Kill you.

He was ten feet tall. Hello. With armor that weighed like 150 pounds. Um, seems cumbersome. And a spear that weighed

20 pounds. I'm not sure how much a spear is supposed to weigh, but that seems normal. Anyway, Jews, come on. One of you fight me. Whoever loses is slaves to the others. Any takers? Um, there's not going to be any sporty Jews till, like, the 1960s. Yeah, are you willing to wait around for Ron Perlman?

Oh. Is Ron Perlman Jewish? Oh, yeah. He had a bar mitzvah and everything. Yeah, very Jewish. Oh, get the fuck out of here. That's awesome. Right.

But no, I won't wait for Ron Perlman. Ah, beans. I love that guy, though. Yeah, he was really good in Drive. So good in Drive. guy, though. Yeah, he was really good in Drive. So good in Drive. Oh, very. Meanwhile, David gets sent by his dad, where his brothers are waiting to fight the Philistines in the valley.

Hey, big brother. Oh, hey, David. Why are you guys just standing around out here? Well, that big guy, Goliath, is challenging us to a fight. So far, there's no takers. What? Yeah. What's in it for the guy who kills him?

Well, a ton of stuff, really. Money. You get to marry the king's daughter. Money? I'll fight him. You're going to fight him? Yeah. Why not?

Why can't I fight him? Well, I mean, you're a shepherd and, you know, the naughtiness of your heart. People with naughty hearts can fight too. Well, what are you going to do? Scratch him? Homophobic. I'll have you know I fought a lion and a bear the other day. Are those codes for gay things?

Because I stopped following you on Facebook. You're the worst. Seriously? I'm fighting you? Yep. I'm the one stretching it. You look like a perfume ad for Jewish people. Yeah.

Well, thank you. I take that as a compliment. and I am who you are fighting. Okay, well, this should be... Sling attack! Got him. Wow! You killed Goliath!

Yep, never underestimate a member of the queer community with a rock in their hand. I guess so. I should do Jumanji next. Eli, don't do this to Andrew. What? Just saying. Tell Jumanji. Servant, bring this mysterious young man who killed Goliath before me.

Hi, Sol. Who are you? Who am I? I'm David. We talked before the fight. I played the harp for you. We probably fuck. You said nice boner. Oh, right. Yeah, David. Well, good job. You're my captain now. Oh, nice. Oh, by the way, this is my son Jonathan. Hello there. Oh, hello. And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul,

that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would let him go no more home to his father's house. Then Jonathan and David made a covenant because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him and gave it to David and his garments, even

to his sword and to his bow and to his girdle. I mean, it's really gay, right? So gay. So gay. Yes, very. So gay.

Okay, but plot-wise, isn't David, like, with Saul? He is. Yes. Gay drama? Oh, yeah. Oh, it is like vampire diaries up in this bitch. Yeah. Eli, the Bible is just like vampire diaries.

You wouldn't know. You won't watch with me and Lucinda. Ah, this is nice. Right, Saul? Just you, Saul, and me, David, wandering the ancient Middle East, celebrating our victory against the Philistines. Oh, I guess so. Oh, look, honey.

The people are coming out to celebrate you killing Goliath. Oh, oh, I love musicals. La, la, la, Saul has killed a thousand men. Oh, that's you. And David has killed 10,000 men. La, la, la. That was great. Thank you.

Yes, thanks. Thank you so much. That was a nice song, right? Yes. Funny how they talked about you killing tens of thousands and I only killed thousands. Yeah, but that's just like the lyrics to the song, right? Oh, yeah. Hmm.

So as time goes by, the evil spirit comes back onto Saul more and more and he trusts David less and less. What's the matter, honey? Do you want hand rubs? Oh, hand rubs would be nice. Well, you got to put, honey? Do you want hand rubs? Oh, hand rubs would be nice. Well, you got to put your spear down if you want hand rubs. Oh, right. My spear. Saul, you almost caught me.

Sorry, sorry. Accident. Or was it? Was it? Yes. So then Saul tries marrying David off to his daughter. Sorry, you want me to marry your daughter? Yes, because then you'll be my captain and my son-in-law.

Yikes, did Heath write this part of the Bible? Come on. Hmm? Kill me some Philistines and she's all yours. I mean, sure. Why not if you think it's a good idea? Oh, oh, I do. I do.

Do you? Yes. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Bisexual love triangles? Yes. Vampire Diaries ain't got nothing on this book. Oh.

Okay. Okay. When the hell did ain't got nothing on this book. Oh. Okay. Okay. When the hell did you make popcorn? I made it. The secret is to make it on the stove. Yes. Please stop saying yes. No. No.

Here you go, Saul. 200 Philistine foreskins. That's 100 more than you asked for. Wow, it is. Did you kill 200 Philistines? That is one way to get foreskins. Is that how you got them? Yes. So then Saul tries telling his son Jonathan to kill David.

Jonathan? Yes, Father? I've noticed how much time you've spent with David recently. Oh, um, you know? Yes, and I think you know what I'm getting at. Honestly, Dad, it was just, uh... You must be the one to kill David for me oh right

is that what you were going to say that's exactly what I was also gonna say but come on why do you want to kill David you know what you're right I'll never ever kill David.

Okay, you promise? Oh, I promise, all right. I promise. Until next time. I'm still standing here, Dad. No, you're not. No. Okay.

And with that promise that we're finally getting to the Bible's sexy parts, No, you're not. No. Okay. And with that promise that we're finally getting to the Bible's sexy parts, we're going to wrap it up for the night, but we'll be back in a month with even more... Bible Peace Theater. Before we kick the dirt off our feet tonight, I wanted to thank everybody who wrote in to express their sympathies for Heath. He asked me to pass along his gratitude and to let you know that he will be back on the show soon. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister show, Hot Friend, got off on movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and a yet newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously I'd be the shittiest host since the AIDS monkey. If I neglected to thank Ethan, right for always being a part of the show, even when his voice isn't here,

I need to thank the already vaccinated Eli Bosnick for doing his part to improve community health. Incidentally, look into shit in your area. Eli got in because he was an overweight asthmatic. You might be surprised. Also need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda illusions for always finding time to loan us some of her lovely talent.

I want to thank Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, for always finding time to loan us some of his fantastical adventure. And I also want to thank Brian for providing this week's Barnesworth quote. Normally you think a biologist is the expert in that field, but yeah, engineers now that you mentioned it too. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, Notorious PJZ, Tired Ravenclaw, Christopher, Gordon, Lisa, Garbage Pig, Sheila, Captain Samples, Ryan, Jim, Jose, Jim and Jose's pup, Sanheim in Oklahoma, we pronounce it Vice President Harris, Holagunde, Ronald, Jonathan, I voted from

Italy, what the fuck is your excuse, Morn, Jason, Phil, Emmy, Jessica, and some Canadian who are so badass that they get the whole bottom third of the anal alignment chart to themselves. Together, this double dozen of distinctly devilish disbelievers defiled deism's desperate demands for deference this week by giving us money. Not everybody has all the alliterative

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for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Martin Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. All right. Are you going to make a penguin noise

or are you asking Morgan? Oh, I'm going to make a penguin. Okay, good. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.