The Scathing Atheist - 417: Something to Sink Your Heath Into Edition

Episode Date: February 11, 2021

In this week’s episode, the Catholic Church is worse than even the CATHOLIC CHURCH imagined, Matt Powell pwns Tom Sawyer by whitewashing a fence for him, and Andrew and Thomas will be here to legitimately open a few arguments. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Andrew and Thomas on The Opening Arguments Podcast Hear Noah on this week’s episode of Cognitive Dissonance. --- Headlines: Supreme Court Rules That CA Can’t Ban Indoor Church Services: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/02/06/supreme-court-ca-cant-ban-indoor-church-services-even-to-prevent-covid-spread/ Report from German Archdiocese Admits Nuns Once Sold Orphans to Sex Predators: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/02/03/report-from-german-archdiocese-admits-nuns-once-sold-orphans-to-sex-predators/ TX Woman sues, claiming forced ultrasound would interfere with her Satanic abortion ritual: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/02/07/tx-woman-a-forced-ultrasound-would-interfere-with-my-satanic-abortion-ritual/ Democrats Reject GOP Attempt to Say Pledge of Allegiance at Judiciary Meetings: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/02/05/democrats-reject-gop-attempt-to-say-pledge-of-allegiance-at-judiciary-meetings/ Jeep ad in Superbowl can go fuck itself: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/02/08/jeeps-super-bowl-ad-urged-us-to-find-the-common-ground-of-christian-nationalism/ A Humanist Leader Is Stepping Down and Hoping a Person of Color Will Replace Him: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/02/05/a-humanist-leader-is-stepping-down-and-hoping-a-person-of-color-will-replace-him/ Matt Powell made another monkey surfing video: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/02/02/this-creationists-awful-short-film-claims-scientists-believe-in-surfing-monkeys/ Muslim Cleric: People have been gayed with the vaccine: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/02/09/islamic-cleric-people-who-got-the-covid-vaccine-have-become-homosexuals/

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TireDiscounterGroup.ca Warning, even our profanity warning has profanity in the motherfucker. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Adam and Eve and by whatever costume company sold Eli that awesome President Trump's impeachment defense attorney outfit. Seriously, guys, free ads for life. Just shoot me an email. Let me know what kind of offer code you want to use.

Anyway, and now the scathing atheist. This is Jeremy from Chat of the Wild, a Legend of Zelda podcast. Hey, listen, we may not know where the Hylians came from or what kind of pig fucker made Ganon, but we do know that us humans did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's February 11th. And it's National Shut-In Visitation Day. Uh, no the fuck it isn't. Fair.

Do not do that. Fair. I am no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. Damn right you are. And from Jeep spokesman Bruce Springsteen's New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State and Redtown Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, the Catholic Church does worse than even the Catholic Church imagined. Matt Powell hones Tom Sawyer by whitewashing his friends for him. And Andrew and Thomas will be here to legitimately open a few arguments, I think. But first, the diatribe. I watch a Christian movie pretty much every week. There are three Christian news aggregators and another four Christian blogs that I check in on every couple of days. I have Google alerts for dozens of prominent evangelicals, and I've purchased multiple Bibles online. Needless to say, all the various bots trying to pigeonhole my personality for the purposes of advertising online are pretty sure that I'm super duper Christian.

And in my line of work, that's actually a good thing. It offers me this weird peek behind the curtain to the online experience of a devout evangelical. Hell, I actually reinforce it as often as I can by regularly clicking through on those religious ads. And let me just say their ads are fucking weird. Let me just say their ads are fucking weird. I'd say the two I get most often are for like these not so charitable charity groups that want me to donate money to their give Bibles to hungry people so they can get right with Jesus quick before they starve to death groups. Like just picture a collage of white savior images in your head. You've pretty much already nailed nine out of 10 of those. And the other major category is any product or service whatsoever except with Christian in the name.

And the other major category is any product or service whatsoever except with Christian in the name. Right? Like so-and-so's Christian gutter solutions or such-and-such Christian accounting service. Kind of like the way Mike Lindell wore a giant cross in his MyPillow ads from faux religiosity, are the ones that provide stuff that nobody but a weird-ass Christian would want. Like terrible Christian music services, Bible trivia games, 800 numbers you can call if you fear your virginity is in danger. Okay, so I found a new one this week, and it was so fucking dumb that I had to share it with you. Now, I don't want to say the name of the company because A, fucked if I'm advertising for them, and B, I didn't remember it. Great ad, guys. But ultimately, for this whole diatribe to make

sense and for me to not have to say company X a bunch of times, I kind of have to. So I looked it up. The name of the company is VidAngel. And what they do is so you can watch streaming content through their service, but they'll go through and edit out all the swear words. And I'm not talking about just Carlin's seven words. They'll remove the dams and the asses and the H-E double hockey sticks. Hell, you can even go a step further and edit out like insults. If one cop ribs his partner, they'll cut that out too. And to be clear, this is not a find a stranger

in the alps overdub kind of thing these literally just cut out the half second of the movie spent saying motherfucker the movie just jump cuts whenever something objectionable comes up and it's fully customizable so you can pick out your like your own unique level of prudery they have they have separate filters you can check off. So if you think your kids are ready for seedy comments like, you idiot, you can turn on insults, but not turn on blasphemous phrases like OMG and evolution by natural selection. It even lets you go in and select which individual words you want edited out. Though obviously they spell them out with asterisks and stuff,

so you don't have to fully confront the offensive word in order to censor it now your first thought upon hearing this might be how the fuck is any of that legal right i mean after all they're altering other people's intellectual properties and renting you shit they don't own so they gotta be breaking some kind of law right well yes and no vidAngel actually got the shit suit out of them back in 2016, and they were eventually ordered to pay like $62 million to Disney, Lucasfilm, 20th Century Fox, and Warner Brothers. And ultimately, they settled on a much lower number because those motherfuckers are never going to have $64 million,

and Disney knows that shit. But they did get punished. That being said, they weren't forced to close down. They just had to restructure their business model a bit and wriggle into this huge gap that was intentionally left open for them by former senator current christian blowhard and somehow still alive person orrin hatch you know the guy who mitt romney replaced to represent utah in the senate he sponsored a law way back in 2005 that specifically carves out exemptions for companies that want to do this kind of shit it's called the family entertainment

and copyright act because you know family and prudish bowdlerization or synonyms when you're a mormon i guess and it came up because some utah-based company got sued for doing this same shit back in 2005 now look if i wanted to do the opposite of this, there is no fucking way I would get away with it. If I started a service called Impure Flicks, you know, that just rented you David A.R. White movies with a bunch of cuss words and gay sex edited in, there's no law that's going to protect me.

What's more, there'd be no senator charging to my rescue by bending the goddamn law to account for my weird ass fetish for copyright infringements right like theoretically everybody plays by the same laws now obviously that's not true it's never been true it's not true in terms of class or race or gender or national origin or any number of other things but when it comes to christian privilege we get a whole different animal they don't even feel the need to pretend towards equality in that instance. And on the occasion that we actually catch them breaking a law that they haven't already been specifically exempted from, a senator comes right into the rescue to tell us that it's only because it didn't occur to him to write in that exemption yet. And that's what makes them so fucking scary.

It's the reason they scream persecution at the drop of a hat. They can't even imagine a world where they're expected to follow the law and for those of us who seek to rein them in that's a terrifying realization even as they're negotiating down their 62 million dollar judgment for copyright violation in an industry that does literally nothing but sell copyrighted stuff they can put a halo over their logo and not even realize that's ironic. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the On Your Marks and Get Set to My Go,

Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to run this race? I think we both popped a hamstring in the getting set part. It's getting set. I got a hernia drinking a Gatorade in the car over here. All right. We're going to do headlines injured. In our lead story tonight, you should have voted for a Supreme Court that wouldn't help murder people in California.

I know we don't vote for the Supreme Court, but I feel like there was some kind of voting thing that could have helped. It'll come to me. Either way, here we are. The federalist majority of the Supreme Court handed down a ruling last week that we're taking a timeout on federalism. And they told the state of California that it doesn't have states' rights anymore. rights anymore and therefore it does not have the right to ban super spreader events if the super spreaders think they're doing magic at a church during their super spreader event look shouldn't they at least have to prove that their magic meter is low or like bust out some charts showing that a

higher than normal percentage of californians went to hell over the last nine ten months like i mean if they're gonna get away we're gonna let them just play and pretend instead of following the fucking law. At the very least, they should have to fucking commit to it. Yes, yes. Okay, but on the upside, my long-held dream of running into a church and spraying people with a fire extinguisher

is now life-saving heroism. Oh, yeah, there you go. All right, so just in case anyone missed it, there's a bit of a public health kerfuffle happening in california right now oopsie if you will yeah a little snafu also the world little snafu in the world but regardless of all that it's now officially illegal for the state of california to stop churches from having live gatherings sometimes with thousands of people at a time inside closed buildings for hours at a time.

That being said, in fairness to the interests of public health, the court is allowing California to limit church attendance to 25% capacity. But any attempt at death prevention beyond that is against the law now. Right. The religious right of medium spreader events was very important to the founding fathers, so they upheld that. Which, if possible, makes less sense, right? Because no, you can't stop people from doing magic in a tornado is consistent.

Right. But okay, only a quarter of you can get inside the tornado is trying to back-end the percentage of death magic it is allowed to cause. The majority even upheld the ban on singing in churches. I mean, at least churches are great about,

you know, always doing what the law requires of them. And it's, you know, law enforcement is always quick to hold them accountable or we'd really be fucked, huh? Yeah. Close one.

Make sure there's only 25%. So, yeah, the dissenting opinion of the liberal wing was written by elena kagan and it's pretty great except for the part about her anti-murder argument getting outnumbered six to three on the nation's highest court that's less great and you get to watch one of the top legal minds in the country descend into fucking madness but still somehow in the tone of a legal scholar. It was impressive.

I don't know how she does it, but here's the three main points translated back into simple terms like I would describe them. The first is that science is real. That was one of her main points. The second is that death is bad. Just a quick reminder,

this is a dissenting opinion, a minority opinion. And her third point is that magical gatherings were being treated the same as non-magical gatherings by the state law that got rejected by the court. That was what was happening, which is already insane. Yeah. And now magical gatherings are getting a special privilege to murder people more than secular gatherings. I mean, it's a weird argument she's making. But yes, I want to be able to kill people with atheist events at least as much as religious people can with their stuff. At least in theory.

I like that in theory. Okay. I think it's obvious we need to set up a satanist human sacrifice outside of brett kavanaugh's house just standing there with a curved blade being like okay you sure brett because we are gonna stab steve you're sure he says he's sure i really wish that your sacrifice humans in the name of your religion joke was hyperbolic i'd love that to be a little more hyperbolic yeah also by the way Kagan added a very powerful closing here. She concluded by pointing out that her conservative colleagues.

Sorry, she threw up in her mouth a little bit when she said colleagues there. Her so-called colleagues have no consequences here for being murderous idiots. Quote, if this decision causes suffering, we will not pay. Our marble halls are now closed to the public and our life tenure forever insulates us from responsibility for our errors. End quote.

Not adding, fuck your fascia, you're all murderers. Yeah. Also not adding, I mean, except for Brett, who's probably should be impeached

because he's a lying rapist. And we be impeached because he's a lying rapist. And we know he's a lying rapist. We know this. And in everything is worse in German news, it's never great news when lawyers finally manage to pry something out of the Catholic Church's clutches. Well, I mean, sometimes it's a kid. That's true. I mean, sometimes it's a kid. You know, that's true.

That's true. But be it Nazi gold or the Pennsylvania report, you never find out that they've been secretly helping a little old lady with her rent, like Zach Galifianakis. Right. And this week is no exception, as a report from a German archdiocese revealed that nuns who ran a German orphanage sold children to sex predators for decades. Jesus.

Yeah. Which means the worst thing ever done by German churches is not exactly clear. At least on like a per victim basis of evil. And that really needs I need that to be clear. I need there to not be competition for that. Yeah, at the very

goddamn least. I'm honestly not sure if this is worse than we already know because like they go from one sexual predator to another but at the end this way they feel like they have value I don't know also like the predators they sold them to almost certainly didn't have you know quasi autonomous city

states ready to shield them from extradition so there's at least that so let me state at the outset that the only reason we have this information is due to the super human heroism of Carl Hawkey, himself a victim of priest abuse, who convinced the Cologne Archdiocese to compile this report several years ago, which they did. And then they immediately announced that they wouldn't be

releasing it because it wasn't, quote, legally watertight and contained, again, quote, inadmissible prejudices and if you're wondering what the fuck that means or has to do anything yeah it means they turned around to the victims they had interviewed for that report and said oh we'd love to release this report with testimony you gave us but you know someone could sue you for what you said in it wow you know like us we could sue you so yeah we'll just hold on to. You know, like us, we could sue you. So yeah, we'll just hold on to this for now. Oh my God, we almost blackmailed ourselves again.

I'm such a klutz, I'm such a klutz. Okay, just going to file this stuff under blackmailing ourselves evidence, not the other one from before this one. If you're reading this, please don't read this, the file that we have. Pretty much. Now, again, many victims chose to remain silent because of that slightly more veiled than a nudist wedding of a threat.

But luckily, Hawkey filed a lawsuit, which gave his lawyers access to that report. And it has since been leaked to news outlets. And with good reason, because this shit reads like a QAnon message board, except that it's real. Everyone knows that it's real. And your Uncle Frank doesn't fucking care because the perpetrators aren't Hillary Clinton.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Like, for the record, there are at least three Catholic churches within a five minute drive of Comet Ping Pong. Right. No word of any child saviors barging into any of them recently. So weird. Yeah.

So here's a quote from the Daily Beast and like trigger warning, by the way, for all of this, quote, boys living in the boarding houses of the Order of the Sisters of the Divine Redeemer

were sold or loaned for weeks at a time to predatory priests and businessmen in a sick rape trade. The men involved in the lawsuit

say as boys they were denied being adopted or sent to foster families because selling them for rape lined the sisters' coffers for their convent of horror. Jesus Christ. The report names various German businessmen and complicit clergy who rented the young boys from the nuns who ran a convent in Speyer, Germany between the 1960s and 70s. a convent in Speyer, Germany between the 1960s and 70s. Among the worst instances of abuse

were gangbangs and orgies the young boys were forced to participate in before being returned to the convent where nuns would punish them for wrinkling their clothes or being covered in semen, end quote. What the fuck? At least they weren't punished

for both the wrinkles. I don't know how to respond to quotes it's hard to do good good so in the end the report says that there were 175 victims age 14 years old and younger and if you're wondering what the catholic church is going to do about it the answer is nothing because it's icky quote Quote, Bishop Carl Heinz Weissman, who now leads the archdiocese, said that the abuse report was, quote, so gory it would be too shocking to make public. End quote. Yeah, that that's just a different way of saying we don't want people to know how evil we are, bro. You just rephrased that. Synonyms.

Yep. So, yeah, big congrats to the Catholic Church for outdoing itself once again. You are truly the Tom Brady of child rape, except... Nope, that's good. You're the Tom Brady of child rape. I think that's apt. And in

amniotic sacrifice news tonight, a woman has filed a lawsuit against the state of Texas for undermining her constitutionally protected right to sacrifice fetuses in the name of the dark lord Satan by forcing her to undergo a medically unnecessary ultrasound. After being denied a religious exemption to the onerous law, MISDO sued both the state's Department of Health Services and the Planned Parenthood that denied her the exemption. Though, to be fair, they highlighted in the suit that Planned Parenthood had no choice in the matter and went out of their way to express support for the organization on the whole. Okay, but the Supreme Court says she can kill one quarter

of her fetus. That's locked in. She can kill a quarter. It's got to have four procedures in your set. No, it wouldn't work like that. You'd have to keep... Xenos paradox of aborting partial fetuses. This is weird. Go ahead. So once again,

in case we hadn't made this clear yet, the only purpose these mandatory ultrasounds serve and the only one they're intended to serve is to provoke feelings of guilt in women who have been partially brainwashed into believing that something that her body does naturally becomes evil if she does it on purpose. And since the fifth fundamental tenet

of Satanism is all about conforming to one's best understanding of science and the third one is all about one's body being subject to one's will alone, forcing her to do unscientific shit with her body in conjunction with this procedure fucks up her sincerely held satanic abortion ritual. So my secular ritual demands that any senator from your state who looks like a diabetic wolf with a Civil War beard by Cruella de Vil as the color. They have to fist fight Ron Perlman. They do. They do. Two votes. It's a sincerely held rule in my ritual. Sincerely held votes.

That's my religion, too. Now, look, this is not new. We've seen similar lawsuits get tossed out of courts a couple of times now, and there's little doubt that we're about to see the same thing happen again but it's worth highlighting it again as a reminder that when you're not an evangelical christian you have to find shortcuts and loopholes to exercise your actual rights that don't work well the christians get to simply pretend that they have a constitutional right to bigotry the whole fucking time. That's the rules now. Yep. And in Heaven's Gates news, we have a story about GOP Congressman Matt Gates

of Florida. Yes, we do. For anyone who's not familiar, Gates has quite the impressive resume. He was elected by the Swamp Clan in the Squishlands province

of Northwest Florida. That's his constituency. He was voted by his graduating class as the most likely to commit drunken vehicular manslaughter. And he's doing his best to eventually live up to that title. He's gotten close a few times. He's also

an anti-masker, which is kind of weird. You gotta figure his odds of being able to start his car by blowing into a tube would be improved by a mask, if anything. And he was also voted most likely to become part of a Qbert level. Because his face is a cube.

He's shaped like a cube. I'd call him a two bit Congressman, but he's an eight bit Congressman, I guess. Well, his latest official act as a U S congressman was to virtue signal his Christian nationalism by asking everyone to recite the pledge of allegiance at the beginning of every meeting for the house judiciary committee.

And no, they will not be doing that. It's idiot patriotism crowd work. He's like, Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to declare my love for America. Also, let's hear for the

troops. Also, who's drinking tonight, huh? Right, right. I feel like his graduating class should get partial credit because like maybe they meant the legislative equivalent of drunken vehicular manslaughter. That's a win. Oh, absolutely. Check. So

yeah, I'm guessing Matt Gaetz was hoping to find some support for the pledge from Marjorie Taylor Green if she ended up on that committee, but yeah, she's not allowed on committees anymore. She got benched by the House. Yep. She got benched

by the other team's coach. Weird. And regardless, the chair of that committee is Democrat Jerry Nadler, who told Gates to go fuck himself. And the video of that go fuck yourself

is pretty great. Gates spends about a minute trying to ask the one second question, can we say the pledge right now? And during that minute, he literally fixes his hair

three different times like an 80s villain sweeping it back. And he also tries to sound smart by using the word august, which means respected and impressive. You know, like people who can ask a five word question in under a minute. That would be impressive to me. And when he finally gets out the question, Nad says oh you're done great i recognize the gentleman from fucking me me says no that's stupid we're not doing that and then he explains the house begins every day with the pledge already we already do that america already beat him to his stupid jingoistic little rhyme poem. Yeah.

And he just wants to say it twice in case people forgot over lunch. Well, but that's the rub, right? Because if Jerry had said yes, then he'd have brought it up again five minutes later, like a fucking hobbit asking for second breakfast. The whole point was to make Jerry Nadler tell him he couldn't publicly jack off on the stars and stripes again. Yep. And just for the record the house judiciary gop has a twitter account and they shared that video i was describing

except they cut it off right before nadler explains that they already say the pledge every day they just cut everything after that uh-huh but more importantly saying it once is stupid too yes yes and not just because it has a reference to god that is offensive to me but that's But more importantly, saying it once is stupid too. The pledge is stupid. And not just because it has a reference to God. That is offensive to me, but that's not the only reason. Mostly because pledging fealty to fabric is a ridiculous thing to be doing ever anyway. Thank you. If you saw your friend doing that, you'd be like, hey, stop.

Are you okay? Don't. What are you doing? Stop. hey, stop. Are you okay? Don't. What are you doing?

Stop. And regardless, even if we assume that oaths of fabric loyalty are not what the guy who stands outside the bodega is doing all the time. Do members of Congress have trouble with this?

Does this solve something? Are they even aware of drafting a new bill being like, wait, hold on. Where do my allegiances lie? You know, in terms of national rectangles.

Can we just get a review on that? I mean, Heath, I hate to argue with you on air, but as of this recording, half our Senate is currently presenting how illegal is it to try to overthrow the government as a legal argument. Right, only because the Senate has already rejected their argument against justice for all.

Yeah, bottom line, Matt Gaetz and the rest of Congress did make a pledge. They took an oath to uphold the Constitution. That includes the First Amendment, which is super duper clear about not having stuff like a religious pledge of allegiance to a fabric rectangle sponsored by Congress. Yeah, right. And speaking of things, Matt Gaetz can shove up his ass. Pledge of Allegiance to a Fabric Rectangle sponsored by Congress. Yeah, right. And speaking of things Matt Gaetz can shove up his ass, it's time for a word from this week's sponsor, Adam and Eve. Hi, I'm chocolate.

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I am, though. So is chocolate, kind of. Yeah, it depends. And we're back. Next up in headlines in Eldora Bruce News. A company that makes oat sperm forgot that their Super Bowl commercial was due by Sunday, so they spent $5 million plus to air something one of them clearly filmed on their phone that day. What the fuck was that?

Oatly song? What? But somehow, that was not the worst Super Bowl commercial this year. No, not by a lot. No, that would go to Jeep's testament to not having any guiding principles as a human being in which Bruce Springsteen urges us

to meet the fascist science denying racist Jews will not replace us chanting mask holes halfway because whenever two groups disagree, the correct answer is exactly halfway between them. God, Bruce, what are you doing, buddy? I thought you were better than that. Yeah, but

I will say if the new Jeep comes with like Overton windows shaped like a big stretched out rhombus on that vehicle, then we'll still go fuck yourself. But that would make no sense to go to bed. Go fuck yourself, yes. I want to know why the company who hasn't had a new idea

about how cars should look or run in 70 years thought that they were going to crack this nut. What made them sitting around the table be like, you know who they need to hear from? The army car guys. Yeah, right. Huh? All right, so the commercial takes a very rough look at Mr. Springsteen to a small church in Lebanon, Kansas, which stands at the geographical

center of the lower 48 states. Yeah, right in the center of America, in Springsteen's home state of New Jersey, Kansas. Yeah, right. Why the fuck? Well, yeah, right. Because what would better represent a place where all Americans would feel comfortable than a Christian church in a rural county that's 98.79% white. Now, I mean, to their credit, they did find one of Smith County, Kansas' four African-Americans. Seriously, the population is 3,827. It's 0.11% African-American. That's four black people. So the commercial isn't entirely white, but the message was clear.

Nobody's voted to take away the rights of any minorities in months now. When are you woke assholes gonna get over it? Yeah. Now buy one of our carbon machines, you fucking cuck. Right. Yeah. Okay, but is there a better metaphor for them not getting it than thinking the solution is to go to

the literal middle of the country? Yeah, right. Like, I thought Bruce was gonna dig up a golden tablet that changes Nazi minds. And look, you know, I get they can't decide where the geographic center of the nation is or how diverse an area it is, but the whole message is fucked because of it.

It's about unifying, and we see at least six different crosses in the commercial. It was very obviously made by a team of middle-class, small-town white folks who honestly don't realize that theirs is not the universal American experience. Right? And if that's not your experience,

the message becomes, hey, this is the real America. Be more like this. Suffice to say, the ad was not popular. In fact, the silver lining to this story is that the ad's message was rejected across the political spectrum. So at least they found

unity in something. Yeah. It turns out that their target market of Insta influencers who post good vibes only is smaller than they thought. I guess.

Yeah. They might as well cut halfway through that commercial and be like, can we go back to the Oatley song and just Bruce starts singing with that guy? And in You'll Be In My Speckhardt News.

You know, from time to time here at The Scathing Atheist, we're forced to comment on an atheist leader's fall from grace, if you will. Whether it's dedicating their podcast to phrenology, being gross, or being super gross, all too often, we've had to roll our eyes and explain that actually churches and every other religious denomination are way, way worse, which is why this week I wanted to take a moment to bid a fond farewell to Roy Speckhardt, the executive director of the American Humanist Association, who is stepping down from his position after 15 years and not because he's gross.

In fact, the opposite. He's super-duper awesome, even though he looks like he's trying to sell a fuckbot on Shark Tank. Well, one thing I can say for certain is that he really appreciated Eli making everybody wait for the no-no-he's-not-a-gross-asshole thing at the end. Like, you could twist it

at the end there. That's the way he likes it. How many people's commutes are going to end at that minute, Roy? Be cool, man. Be cool. All right, I guess I'll find out about that after work. And look, Roy did a ton of super cool stuff during his tenure. As Hemant Mehta over at The Friendly Atheist points out, he, quote, helped steer the foundation of the Secular Coalition for America, which is a lobbying group in D.C. He oversaw a legal team that argued in front of

the Supreme Court and helped convince Representative Jared Huffman to go public with his humanism. End quote. Yeah, no, he's honestly he's who I would aspire to be if I could talk to a stupid person for 84 seconds without telling them to fuck themselves. That's true. That's fair. 84 seconds without telling them to fuck themselves. That's true. That's fair. And now I have a question for you, podcast listener. Yes, you.

Are you awesome? Would you like to help steer the movement the way Roy did? Well, then maybe you should apply for his position, which is currently listed on LinkedIn. Link in the show notes. And then you can thank us when you get the job. Just don't be gross, okay? Or we're going to have to write a story about it.

And then we'll be like, oh, we told that guy to apply. Oh, right. Oh, and in irritable Powell syndrome news. Yes. Matthew Hussein Powell made another video and I've never been happier. My father just died and this more than made up for it. I'm happy. You might remember a story we did the end of December about Powell's video that explained how the critical flaw in evolution theory

is the fact that monkeys are not capable of surfing across the Atlantic Ocean. It's true. They're not. 34 million years ago. And no, they're not. That's correct. That part. And it was so good bad

that that video got its very own god awful mini last week. Which he definitely listened to. Matt Powell is 100% so angry but listening to everything that we do when we talk about him. And then he started furiously writing out a scripted short

film just grunting with each amazing line wrong about monkeys fucking atheists and that script which he claims was not a script but it's a script it's about meeting a random atheist on a dirt road and winning an argument about the monkey surfing apologetic. It's fucking priceless. Well, and here's the thing. According to the description on YouTube, quote, this skit was off the cuff, end quote. Absolutely not.

So Matt was sitting around with his friends and he was like, do you guys want to shoot a video about what it would be like if I won an argument? And they were like, fudge yes, Matt, fudge yes. Fudge yes and let's fucking riff this, right? Oh, you already wrote a script. Okay. And if this one goes well,

look for his upcoming video where he makes it all the way through prom without peeing on himself and another where he never catches his mom fucking them three guys from her DUI class.

So, the backstory to this whole thing is delightful. First of all, huge thanks to Anthony. He is a beautiful listener who made a comment on Powell's original YouTube video

about the God awful mini. And Powell responded to that because Powell's plan for spreading the word of God is interacting with atheist podcast people. Nailing it. Powell wrote in response, Ha ha, they fell for my trap. I was trolling by doing this video in the snow.

Capital Z at the end of snow. I knew it would get their attention. So he was trolling us, apparently. I mean, it did make me want to send you mittens, Matt. So check me. Tell you about long john. Yeah john yeah okay so just to be clear about this trolling long con he read the headline of a nat geo article that had the phrase monkey surfing but he clearly never read the rest of the article that explained what that phrase actually

means or he did read it but you know he was in the reading group called the Manatees. And then he had somebody from the Condors reading group explain the article to him. Then he decided to pose as an ignorant theist, which he's not. Remember, this is part of a long con and make a fake ignorant theist trolling video explaining his ridiculous argument to trap us. Of course, that's nothing without setting the trap. Right. Snow. argument to trap us of course that's nothing without setting the trap right snow so he shot that video in the snow in order to trick us into explaining how he's an idiot in our face now he waits phase three profit on his video that has 6 000 views well. Well, you know, I, for one, am very disappointed with myself

after being so thoroughly pwned by Matt Powell. His plan absolutely worked. I sure hope he doesn't make any other videos where he's obviously in terrible physical pain for no reason

or we might get pwned again. Oh, you know what? We'd really talk about, Matt, a video you shot in lava yeah what i must discuss it what lava like magma after it comes out what that's fascinating so the follow-up video that he did is adorable and it happens again in the snow so i can't help but talk about it right yeah we have no choice it's like frozen water can you imagine hands are tied he's in the snow we have to talk about it so we watch powell walking down a dirt road and a random stranger walks past him going

the other way then the stranger recognizes him as matt powell and stops and says, wait, are you Matt Powell? Matt fucking Powell, the Matt Powell of YouTube fame. You're like Kent Hovind light. So, okay. Just to be clear in Matt Powell's fantasy scenario, he's not quite Kent Hovind. Yeah. He's not quite Kent Holton. Yeah, you aspire to be convicted of 53 felony counts? So the two of them shake hands, and the stranger guy says, I'm Rick. I'm an atheist.

That's how we say hello. We announce our name and our religious belief. We do that all the time. We also recognize Matt Powell on the street. Oh, absolutely. Always on the street. Oh, absolutely. Always on the lookout. And from there, they launch into a very scripted

argument. Again, it's absolutely not ad-lib. A scripted argument that required four different camera angles just to be able to cut the stuff they got wrong from one minute of dialogue. And they still needed to ADR

a giant flubbed line like they were dubbing a kung fu movie. It was so badly done. And then after we watch Rick's mouth obviously saying something else for a while, then they cut to a wide shot from, I guess,

like an RC helicopter that had an iPod shuffle tape to the side that he was using as one of those four angles so he couldn't see the mouths. So, to be clear, he was doing an edit. He knows what editing is. He was editing and he got foiled by a problem from a live

stream. Like, he's creating entire new categories of ineptitude in filmmaking. Right. It's amazing. And again, he says in the description that the video is off the cuff. No, it wasn't. Hostages listing the terrorist demands

sound less scripted than this. There are moments where you can watch him ask a rhetorical question to Rick, realize that he didn't script Rick any kind of answer and then like go back into his very clear script. It's brutal.

So they finally wrap up their perfectly normal dirt road evolution debate between strangers like you have and they walk away. And then we cut to two hours later and Rick, the atheist atheist is googling surfing monkeys obviously google explains what that actually means and if you clicked into you know an entire article of words rather than reading the single page you'd be able to read about lots of non-surfing based evolution stuff too but none of that matters because Rick,

who's clearly played by Matt Powell's best friend, is a grown man sitting in his bedroom that has bunk beds right fucking behind him. Or even more likely, it's Matt Powell's room in his mom's basement that has bunk beds right behind Rick. Either way, I could not stop laughing for this whole part at the end. Nobody in bunk beds should be on the internet explaining anything matthew

you can't look i'll tell you what matt you can make videos again when your bed is on the floor and and it cannot be a race car oh that's the rule oh man those are 100 the beds that powell and rick sleep together on when matt's mom lets him have a sleepover. 100%. Totally. 1000%. So here's the situation. Matt Powell still owes us several hundred thousand dollars for copyright infringement.

It's true. But when we did the story about the original monkey surfing video back in December, we offered him a deal. Keep saying things out loud on camera, just one five-minute video per month, and you're off the hook. That was the deal we offered. And it appears he's taken the deal. So now he works for us.

We are his boss. And this is fun. Nice. And it can't be fun for him being aware of this power dynamic. I'm sure he hates it. So Matt, we know you're listening. Oh yeah. Here's how to foil us. Come on, buddy. If you make more videos with us as your

employer, we obviously win. Right. And if you shut the fuck up forever, we obviously win. So all you gotta do is make sure you don't do something or nothing and you've won. There you go. Just don't go inside or outside the briar patch and we

are defeated. Your move, buddy. See, but eventually Matt's going to figure out that if Snow makes a video inside of him, it'll be our greatest downfall. Well, now that you told him that. And finally tonight in Covo sexual news.

Are you tired of being attracted to the opposite gender? Do you crave sex with people a little more familiar with the type of genitals you have? Are you sick of having your civil rights recognized in all of the states and municipalities? Well, then do I have a vaccine for you? That's right. Despite all the old Jews talking to Quran, it turns muslims have an awful lot in common with a group of people they openly stole their religion from i guess and and we learned that once again when ayatollah abbas tabrizian took to the internets to warn muslims that the covid vaccine

was gonna make them gay okay well jokes on him so we'll covid that's like our whole thing there's really no way around it oh if only gay muslims breaking up on snapchat oh that talak hashtag would be on fire all right so yeah last month we had ultra orthodox rabbi daniel asser telling his massive online following that the vaccine was a product of a global malicious government trying to establish a new world order and i honestly i think in this instance that was not code for the jews and that it could lead to opposite tendencies by which he means gay stuff it also led uh havruta a jewish lgbtq rights organization in israel to issue an amazing press release welcoming all their new members in advance that's excellent i love that so goddamn much and as ridiculous as that assertion was if it's stupid and it's bigotry religion just can't resist so now we have that same shit being echoed by a popular muslim cleric as well yeah

whatever whatever two-state solution fine uh what are we doing about the gay ribonucleic acid. Let's focus on that. Or as it's commonly known, RNH. Now, it's worth noting that Tabrizian, whose followers call him the father of Islamic medicine, isn't exactly a mainstream voice in Iran. I mean, he isn't nobody.

He's got nearly a quarter of a million social media followers, but the overwhelming majority of Islamic leaders reject his teachings, which is a good thing because in March of last year, he said you could cure COVID-19 the same way that he cured his wife's cancer. Violet oil up the ass.

What? Yeah, pretty sure that means the patient's ass. But honestly, it wasn't super clear if God just listens to him more closely, if his sphincter smells nice. I don't know. Regardless, this has been your weekly pandemic reminder that it's never so bad that religion can't make it worse. And now that I've distilled the show's essence down to 10 words, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Too much.

And when we come back, Andrew and Thomas from Opening Arguments will be here to open arguments. open arguments. There are a lot of things 2021 is good for. Sanity, schadenfreude, hell, maybe even travel before it's all over. But one thing 2021 is terrible for is 2019 Spolgarity for charity roasts. We're really sorry. Just be patient. It's been so many people. It's good.

So many more people than we thought donated to charity. It's good. Yeah, yeah. We still have more to knock out. And to help us inch a little closer to the end, we're excited to welcome back Andrew and Thomas

from the Opening Arguments podcast and other podcasts as well. Gentlemen, thanks for dropping by. Yeah, what fucking year is it, man? Like, how are you still... Okay, but it seems longer because of how many years 2020 was. That's true.

That's a good point, but today is like Rose, letters Q through T. It's all of humans by the time you're done. There's a lot more under Q than I would have otherwise expected. Yeah, right. Somebody remind me, who was the character there's a lot more under cue than I would have otherwise expected yeah right

oh somebody remind me who was the character in Hitchhiker's Guide who had to insult everybody wasn't that Agri-Jag yes I believe so that's us thank you when I said somebody I meant Andrew if I knew that reference that would have been a perfect joke to make for this

yeah we're doing that. Could be, actually could be WowBagger the infinitely prolonged, but it's definitely one of those two. Anyway, thanks for having me on. How good's your editor? Fix that so I made that joke. It was really funny. Hitchhiker.

Yeah, hitchhiker reference. Whatever. Somebody's mad at Andrew, too, for hedging on those two different choices somebody knows it oh we will get hate mail like there's no there's no doubt but yeah no thanks for having me back to do 1.7% more of these roasts

usually I complain that every time I appear on this I am reducing my already negligible chances at ever being on the Supreme Court or, you know, ever being taken seriously as a lawyer in public again. But guys, I have to tell you, just yesterday, I finished watching the president's lawyers, the ex-president's lawyers, two guys named Bruce and Doug, tell rambling stories about Nebraska and recite poetry. And I'm not making any of this up. Instead of arguing emotion. And so I am comfortable that no matter how many times I use the word motherfucker today, and it will be more than once, it won't rank any higher than the third most ridiculous thing someone hears from a lawyer.

Oh, my God. And you're not even counting Kitty Guy. Yeah, that's right. What's amazing is that Kitty Guy doesn't even make it onto our radar at this point. If he has a lawyer named Squee come up, I won't be that surprised. That's not out of the question.

Alright, well, Andrew, I have an amazing one for you right out of the gate here. Michael would like you to roast Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Well, Andrew, I have an amazing one for you right out of the gate here. Michael would like you to roast Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Oh, roast Clarence Thomas. Amazing. Clarence Thomas roasted himself 30 years ago. Okay. That's when we learned that his definition of flirting with a lady lawyer was, and I'm not making this up, to put one of his pubic hairs on his Coke can and then call that lawyer into his private office and ask if it was hers.

Allegedly. And if you're thinking that that's gross and illegal, then congratulations. You know more about the law and women than Clarence Thomas. My whole lifetime is marred by that asshole. He's a supreme court justice. I don't think that's a move anyone could pull off. I don't care if you're Brad Pitt, that move doesn't...

If you're going to flirt, do something that would even work if you were hot. That's not even close. It's just disgusting. If Brad Pitt did that to me, it would work, but I get what you're close. Just disgusting. If Brad Pitt did that to me, it would work. But like, I know what you're saying. Fair. Two votes.

All right, Thomas, I got a good one for you. Travis would like you to roast people who aren't down with umminum brewing. So like me, I guess.

Yeah, I was going to say that's probably, I guess everyone. So umminum brewing is a California based brewery. So I guess I'm roasting like everybody who doesn't live in California, which you know what?

Actually, yeah. Why the fuck don't you all live in California? I always see you're complaining about blizzards and storms and fucking, oh, yeah, this is for a month of the year. It's just we're all ice. It's a block of ice and just people shove the ice cubes down the street to

go to work. You're in an ice cube. And you know, you're complaining about fucking, there's hurricanes. People have hurricanes. They got Christians. They got all this stuff. Just move. You know, you're free to go, right? Like you're not, you're not being detained.

Do you have a fire extinguisher I could borrow? Remind me, what's the opposite of ice? Sure. I've only lost like half my family to fires. what's the opposite of ice? Sure. I've only lost like half my family to fires. It's not that big of a deal. Family's pretty replaceable, you know? You're making more all the time.

Especially now that remote working is, you know, more prevalent than ever. If your message is if you live in a piece of shit place, just fucking leave. Okay, they're roasted. All right, Eli, I got one for you. Alex would like you to roast English spelling and grammar. Oh, hello everybody, it's me, English spelling and grammar. What's

that, you having trouble spelling a word? Don't worry, just sound it out. Except no, never do that because I'm the language equivalent of Latin trying to break up with German without hurting its feelings. Say there, young man, do you need to spell knife? Here's a fucking

K to start you off with. Or how about a pause? Would anyone like a pause? I've got the comma, the semicolon, the colon, and the dash. What's the difference? Who the fuck knows? You literally didn't put a comma after comma on it. Jesus Christ.

Don't interrupt me, Heath. Do it again. You mean, don't interrupt you, comma, Heath? Don't interrupt me, semicolon. You have no idea why I said comma there. Go ahead. Anyways, who needs a plural of you? Well, you can't have one.

Go fuck yourself. That's what. And remember, I before E, except when it's fucking not. Yeah, right. Eli, later on in the notes, you spell wacky W-H-A-K-C-Y. There's no language that could be simple enough for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'m sorry i agree with

what you're saying here but you're not the man to say it all right i've got one for you here noah kit would like a roast of their former pastor trevor oh god trevor looks like if tom brady was kidnapped in 2005 and kept on a starvation diet while being exposed to all the skin diseases in alphabetical order. In other words, he looked like if my plan had worked. Fucking kids. I had a mask and everything. Anyway, he's also a horrible person that bilks impoverished communities to gild his house of bullshit while depriving the government of revenue.

But at this point, I'm just reading his job description. So that's, I mean, anybody could do that. So, Heath alex would like you to roast his dog oakley so um here's the thing i hate to be the one to break it to you but apparently it's got to be me that's a dead dog it's dead there's there's no chance that's alive i'm looking at the picture you sent and you're clearly holding the corpse of a dog loving me okay here's the thing when you hold a large dog in your lap belly up and their body is all stiff and their paws do that thing where they're folded like a dead dog and they don't move or breathe

they're dead there's also by the way a live dog in the background of your picture clearly freaking out being like dude stop taking selfies with murder victims that's weird please stop then i know this might sound like i'm joking but no seriously not alive like your dog is well i mean by now yeah okay eli you're up again possible uh william would like you to roast a world in which mitt romney is president yeah i mean to be fair william requested this roast in 2019 so to william would like you to roast a world in which mitt romney is president yeah i mean to be fair william requested this roast in 2019 so to william's credit i get it you didn't know well did he request the roast in 2015 well i mean he just didn't you know all the way well i i'm just gonna move the roast forward because it's hard to roast not a plague yeah but let's see

everyone welcome to the year 2021 where Mitt Romney is president. Everyone half stands for the Pledge of Allegiance and Congress votes on whether murder might or might not be bad next week where executive action has been replaced by executive if you wouldn't mind. Oh, and everyone's Mormon and it's the handmaid's tale.

But other than that, we're total pussies. What can I say? Real pushover, B. Got a nice folder for a binder for you. Old timey radio voice guy popped up when you went into the future, which is interesting. Yep. In the future, we're all going to talk like that. Well, it's Mitt Romney's future, so

yeah. Is that entity like a cousin of English grammar? Are they? I'm trying to figure out how they're related. It's a long, abusive relationship. All right, Noah, I got one for you here. Sebastian would like a roast for his friend Spencer. they're related it's a long abusive relationship all right no i got one for you here sebastian would like a roast for his friend spencer yeah yeah so spencer's a botanist and apparently he hates it when people ask if he studied body to grow his own weed but he's also into celtic punk

and blacksmithing so yes he clearly got the body to grow his own fucking weed like all that stuff he hates it when people ask that shit because there might be a cop around, Seb. Also, Sebastian says Spencer's the hardest working person he knows, but he's a fucking botanist. I mean, nothing against botanists. I love the weed they grow, but go meet somebody who hangs drywall

or some shit, dude. Knock your botanist buddy down the list a bit. Yeah, photosynthesis is the majority of that work. That's entirely in the burden for you. He's cheating. All right. Tom, this next one's for you. Eric would like you to roast the Mac butterfly keyboard.

How did this person know? It's amazing. I have an older MacBook with a butterfly keyboard and a newer one after they finally took the butterfly keyboard out back and told it about the rabbits. And I'm going to say what fucking took you so long, Apple? Five years? Pull the fucking dongles out of your assholes and fix the keyboards.

Or fuck, produce a dongle that attaches to the keyboard and makes it a usable keyboard. That would be a cool dongle. How about that one? Apple is the fucking dumbest smart company in the world. A lot of what they do is so cool. And then they'll be like, but what if

we got rid of the screen part of the laptop and it was just the bottom part? I bet that would look really sleek. What? What are you doing? Guys, I'm thinking different. That's enough. That's not even your thing. Whatever. Oh, fuck. That's all I have. I'm done. Okay That's enough. That's not even your thing. Whatever. Oh, fuck. That's all I have.

That's all. All right. I'm done. Okay, Heath. I've got one for you here. Cindy would like you to roast libertarians. Fuck all your faces. Okay.

Excellent work, Cindy. Hey, libertarians, bring it in. I got a great tip for you if you're being detained right now by, you know, roads and garbage men. I know you hate that here's what you do move up to new hampshire and start your very own libertarian town no zoning laws you got free market garbage it's paradise and you definitely won't get mauled to

death by bears. So enjoy. Side note for everyone else. If you don't know what I'm talking about, definitely read A Libertarian Walks Into a Bear. It's amazing. It's the true story, real, real true story of exactly what I just said. A bunch of idiots tried to take over Grafton, New Hampshire. They pretty much succeeded

and they created their libertarian valley of cold fusion and gold from Atlas Shrugged up in New Hampshire. They pretty much succeeded and they created their, you know, libertarian valley of cold fusion and gold from Atlas Shrugged up in New Hampshire. But their version ends with John Galt doing that national radio speech about how Robin Hood was wrong because he's fucking horrible. And then all of America getting to listen as he gets eaten alive by bears because nobody could agree on a tax to pay for garbage pickup. That's real. The real life result of libertarian philosophy taken to the extreme is you get killed by bears. That's science. There's data.

It's so true. It's such a good book. It really is. The bit about the woman who fed the bears. Yeah. Oh, so good. Andrew, Matt, speaking of great roasts for you, donut lady yeah oh so good Andrew

speaking of great roasts for you Maxwell would like you to roast Kurt Schilling oh alright so look I understand all of our podcast listeners may not be into the sports ball but for you

Kurt Schilling is what happens when the illegitimate love child of Ted Nugent and James Lindsay manages to throw an oblate spheroid at 95 miles an hour. Despite making tens of millions of dollars in his baseball career, he still managed to steal $75 million from the state of Rhode Island. So you know what? I'm glad the Orioles traded away Curt Schilling when I was a kid for one third of the payment of a guy you've never heard of

named Glenn Davis I mean ooh Glennie G unless you're a huge fan of the Rochester Red Wings ooh Rochester Red Wings

I am and fuck Curt Schilling especially because during this roast Heath is over there giggling and wooing and fist pumping and Heath

is a Yankees fan so Maxwell you made me make a Yankees fan. So Maxwell, you made me make a Yankees fan happy and fuck you for that. I'm just amazed that you could steal 75 million from the state of Rhode Island. Weren't they like, that's all

of it. You got all of it. There's nothing. There's stuff there. No money here now. Also, fuck you Curt Schilling for that bloody sock. You're a liar. That was ketchup or whatever. Get out of here. It's like Carrie Strug. Liars. Also, fuck you, Curt Schilling, for that bloody sock. You're a liar. That was ketchup or whatever. Get out of here. It's like Carrie Strug. Liars. Yeah,

I get all that. For sure. Sports. Jesus Christ. Bruce Springsteen. Alright, so next up we have a couple of double roasts. These people are so bad we need to team up on them. So first up, I've got one for Heath and Eli. Kelly would like a roast of herself and her fiancé

Savvy, who happens to be disabled. Okay, so we got a video of Kelly and Savvy getting engaged. It's awesome, actually. We also got an email from Kelly that said, I know she looks young, but she's 23. Highly suspect.

Yeah. That is Heath saying highly suspect. You should have just... Beeps and I'm back. I'm back, just me. But it's a pretty interesting video. It looks like the day Make-A-Wish Foundation had to make a rule about no wedding proposals.

That's what it looks like. I feel like we're allowed to make... It was in the email with the disabled... Go ahead. Yeah, look, this is a pink-haired lesbian couple. I mean, don't get me wrong. You guys look like you absolutely wreck every game of Cards Against Humanity. Anyone's ever tried to play because you're nine-tenths of the cards.

But you are adorable. one's ever tried to play because you're nine tenths of the cards but you are adorable so um you look like what hillary morgan farrow wakes up in a cold sweat dreaming about all right so i got a i got a two for for uh thomas and andrew here kyle wants thomas to roast capitalism and andrew to roast socialism have at it it. Well, look, capitalism is like direct pressure applied to the clitoris. Little bit goes a long way. A little bit of capitalism goes a long way. A little bit of capitalism, good.

Too much American capitalism might literally end the fucking world. Not much comedic room for roasting when the thing you're doing is destroying the planet. Hey, Thomas, roast the asteroid from Armageddon. Yeah, it's fucking going to kill us. I don't know.

Capitalism has become such a religion to Americans that they're like, yeah, okay, planet Earth might die, but then the other planets will have to compete to replace it, and all of a sudden Mercury and Venus are incentivized to become more habitable. Yeah, cool, dude.

We're all dead. But like, yeah, invisible hand on all that. Let the forest fire go. It's big regrowth, right? But let's not pretend that that makes socialism the only viable alternative. Socialism, the economic philosophy that says, sure, people work just as hard for a job they don't get paid for as one they do, despite the fact that every socialist I've ever met is named Dave, lives on my couch and plays Xbox 17 hours a day. Oh, and socialism, don't go telling me about how great life in Sweden is, right? You can't fool me with that shit. The average yearly salary in Sweden is

$65,000 a year, and the average tax rate is 27%. There's no property tax, all right? Show me a country where the average salary is zero, and the average tax rate is 100%. Maybe I'll reconsider, all right? We are getting emails. Thanks, Andrew. I bet they all know way more about economics

than Andrew, too. They're all super well-educated about that. Eli and Andrew, both Anna and William would like you guys to roast than Andrew to it. I'm sure. Yeah. Well, educated about that. Yeah. All right. Eli and Andrew, both Anna and William would like you guys to roast Matt Gates.

Oh, Matt Gates looks like they made an experimental bobblehead of the word racism. And I know we already covered it in this week's episode, but it's really important to me that we all remember

that his final political act was to ask if they could say the Pledge of Allegiance allegiance which they already say again i want to say a poem twice every day my job in congress yeah it's always hard to follow eli but matt gates the the beta males beta male right here's the insult i know will truly hurt you the most because deep down, Matty, you know it's true. And it's this. Come on in.

Donald Trump doesn't know who the fuck you are. He never, ever will. Does it matter how many times you beat off on that poster of him, man? Doesn't matter. All right, Heath, I've got one for you and me here. John would like us to roast sportscasters Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. Sorry. What?

I couldn't really hear you, Noah. The gravity from Joe Buck's forehead caused a black hole. Oh, right. Sadly, that black hole did not prevent his announcing career, which is almost universally hated for always being biased toward one side during the game yeah the guy in the pa at auschwitz would be like dude you got to try to be objective you got to try to present present it's it's like he's officiating the super bowl or something right and before troy acheman got his job elucidating the

seemingly chaotic simultaneous movement of 22 people in a concise and understandable way. He was known for getting concussions. Way to set the bar so low that Tony Romo can excel just by correctly guessing the play one time and four and then hoping you don't know what jet sweep means the other three. All right. It's not just running to one side. That's not always a jet sweep. You dumb fuck. You were in the NFL.

All right, let's dive back in here. Thomas, John M. would like you to roast Aaron Sorkin. Yeah. Remember earlier when I roasted capitalism and Andrew roasted socialism? That's just every Aaron Sorkin scene. He'd be like, yeah. I'd be like, cool, but what's our relationship? Am I, are we?

No, it doesn't matter. Scene. It was a cool debate. We were walking and talking. It was fun. Yeah, I was going to say, were you guys walking when you did it? If we filmed that as a walk and talk, that's an entire Aaron Sorkin show. Tom is like, I got a new podcast idea.

Yeah, and it probably would show up in two or three of his different shows. Exactly. Also, How Dare You, the West Wing is amazing. Yeah, it is. Nah, it sucks. Alright, another one that I know you're going to love, Andrew. It's like we just really set you up on all of these.

Dan would like you to roast LegalZoom. Oh, hey. Look, LegalZoom is exactly what you get from a joint venture between Kay Jewelers and H&R Block, right? With all the expertise you'd expect from an enterprise with, checks notes, oh, zero professional oversight.

Wow. Yeah. You want to use LegalZoom? Sure. Would you buy grade D eggs? Would you ask the butcher to put away the prime, the select, and even the USDA choice grade meat so that you can pull out that slightly bluish one in the back that is marked certified grade by the venezuelan chemistry council yeah if so enjoy that 1700 bill for

registering your llc sucker all right now let me return the favor here angie would like you to roast and i quote the bitch who dumped four four-week-old kittens. Oh, my God. I was angry for so long after reading this fucking email, Angie. You should be. It starts with the goddamn Karen Wentz. All other Karens spawned, apparently. Angie told us the whole story of this email about this lady showing up at her farm slash pet grooming service,

all but juggling four malnourished kittens going, y'all want these? If not, I can keep taking care of them. Four weeks old. If you're not an animal person, I should point out that in cat weeks, six to eight is weaned. So, yeah, I'm not sure where you live, Angie, but it sounds like the kind of place

that has a lot of combines and open fields there. With Andrew on, that's all I'm going to say, because Andrew's up, but that's all I need to say, too. Got real fuzzy the last 30 seconds. And Eli, Val would like you to roast her ex, Darren, as Marky Mark. Oh, hey, Darren. Darren. Darren, it's me.

It's Marky Mark, bro. So this is your third baby by a third person that you cheated on Val to have. Wow. By the time we get to this roast, I'm going to guess it's fucking four, which is pretty fucking amazing, bro. Because to me, you look like a bartender who won't stop calling himself a mixologist on the Tinder profile that you and your girlfriend use to search for a threesome. That doesn't feel like a roast. That just feels accurate. So here's the roast, bro.

Your existence makes less sense than my character in The Departed and you're a bigger dick than the fake one I had in Boogie Nights. All right, Heath. Fox would like you to roast their dog, Waffle. Okay. First of all,

congrats on your living dog. That's cool. But that's where the compliments run out. Fox actually tried to brag about Waffle being so smart that Waffle skipped a grade at dog school. What?

Apparently she can eat her own shit at a second grade level already. Congrats, Waffle. Sorry I didn't roast you. Good work. You're very smart. Andrew Torres of dogs.

All right. And speaking of dogs, Eli, this next one is roast you. You're very smart. Alright, and speaking of dogs, Eli, this next one is for you. Michael would like you to roast Rodney Clough, but as Carl the Pug of Pegacorn. Hey, everybody, it's me, Carl the Pug of Pegacorn from D&D Minus, now on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts.

Carl, what are you doing? What? I got a feature project now. I'm plugging. Plugging my own project. We're supposed to be roasting. Okay, but I'm just saying. You guys got weird over here, huh? Yeah? I got a feature project now. I'm plugging. Plugging my own project. We're supposed to be roasting. Okay, but I'm just saying. You guys got weird over here, huh? Yeah, we did. Yeah, kind of. A little bit.

We got a little weird. I mean, I didn't. Anyway, you might recognize Rodney Clough from his appearance on Be Reasonable, a show whose title becomes a desperate request more and more each episode. Rodney believes that Venusians, that's aliens from Venus, flew Nazis into the hollow earth to live with a race of biblical giants. So he should be elected a congressperson from Georgia any second now. But seriously, Rodney,

how crazy do you have to be to be crazy for Be Reasonable? Your episode dissolved from Marsh asking, why don't you explain what you believe into him going, gosh, if you could keep talking, that would be fucking great. We both know the only reason you believe in hollow earth is because the hollow earth is the only place you're still allowed within 50 feet of a school, Rodney. You got to let it go.

Okay. Noah, I have one for you for some reason. Cass would like you to roast the Dunning-Kruger effect. Right, because back in 2019, that could be funny. But yeah, the overwhelming confidence of the idiots who don't even make it all the way through that YouTube documentary video before overruling the nation's foremost infectious disease experts kind of left us wishing we could trade up for Dunning's brother, Freddie. All right.

Another good one for you. John would like a roast of Texas attorney general, Ken Paxton. Uh, yeah. Look, I gave up a lucrative partnership at a prestigious law firm to go vet dick jokes in my basement for a living.

Okay. And I think Ken Paxton made a questionable career choice. Ken Paxton is the Matt Gaetz of Ted Cruz's. A pale imitation of a smug copy. Too stupid to actually undermine the rule of law. But damn it, he'll keep trying. Excellent. I'm making those business cards and mailing them to him

alright Heath, Brandon would like you to roast his friend Scott and he'd like you to do it as gubernatorial candidate Sarah Huckabee Sanders Scott you look like a muppet baby but that chin could etch blood diamonds.

I love it. I want to dice up a cheese plate on your face and then devour you like I'm a female spider after copulation. That chin is like Thor's hammer to my vibranium labia. Get in there. We will stop time, you and I. We will stop time. And you fire up the all spark fire it up you fire it up then it's lapidary lapidary lapidary more lapidary and you run the suicide

squeeze bunt you know what it is third baseline third baseline lay it down love it then we spin it we spin it you workhe. Work that lathe. Work that lathe. Faster, slower. Faster. Slower now. Faster, slower. And then we sell the orphans. Sell it hard.

You make that quota. You sell the orphans. And now you peel the onion. You peel the onion. Gibson martini. Layers. Layers. Layers.

Layers. Layers. And then Bubblo Bill gets a Choco Taco. Gibson Martini layers layers layers layers and then Bubba Lo Bill gets a Choco Taco you know what I'm talking about you look like Jay Leno's fetus and I am into it

alright so Thomas Steve would like you to roast this photo that he took while he was on vacation but it's just a statue of a bear fucking a deer. Oh, I'm from the country.

Sorry, is this not normal for everybody? It took me a minute to realize what the joke was. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, the funny thing is, though, it's clearly a buck. It's a male deer. So, like, and it kind of could be a female bear. So, we might have nature's first pegging depicted in statue form. So that's pretty cool. Progressive, really.

That is cool. Alright, Andrew, I got some double duty here for you. Ollie would like you to roast them, and Bradley would like you to do it using George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words. Ooh, hey, if this is the Ollie I think it is, I love them. And I think they wanted me to roast myself.

And thanks to Bradleyadley i can think of no better way to do that than by reading movingly from fcc versus pacifica foundation the only supreme court decision in our nation's history to use the word tits by the way the other six are shit piss fuck motherfucker cocksucker and cuntunt. And so, and again, to quote the Supreme Court, quote, the word twat is an interesting word. What? It's the only slang word that doesn't have another meaning to it. Snatch, box, and pussy all have

other meanings. Even in a Walt Disney movie you can say, we're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box. Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone as it should. End real Supreme Court quote. That's a real quote? That's a loves it. The twat stands alone as it should. End real Supreme Court quote.

That's a real quote? That's a real quote. Amazing. What? That's why we're friends with Andrew. The twat stands alone. Nobody was like, hey, you want to just dial it back to the last sentence? This is a really fucked up song. All right, Eli, Jack would like

you to roast parents who stopped the meds of their suicidal kids because they don't think it's natural. Wow, this has got a lot of comedy potential. Thanks for that, Jack. Okay, I'm very happy to do this roast. But first, side note, I want to point out I have been avoiding this roast for months because Tim, who, let me just say, did a fantastic job organizing all of the roast requests into like an Excel sheet for us. But he labeled this roast that I was supposed to roast the parents of suicidal kids. Oh, Jesus. So I have not included this in any documents up until now

because I've been sitting at home being like, you know how sad you are. And it's also you're sad and your kid is dead. Why? Why would someone request this? But yeah, parents, suicidal kids who stop the medicine of their suicidal kids is important. Hey, parents of suicidal kids, if you could put down your it's wine o'clock coffee mug and circle scarf and stop posting on Facebook about how hard it is to be a mom for a second, I have something to tell you. You're a terrible parent. And look, I know I could say that before I was a parent based on context clues. But if you pause that Facebook fight you're having about why you won't get the COVID vaccine long enough to realize that while you love to say you'll take

a bullet for your kid, what you won't do is take time to Google. So instead of a living, happy, normal, balanced life that your kid should have, they're going to go around with a monkey of your uneducated biases on their back, struggling with everything their friends aren't. And it's your fault because you, again, are a bad parent. You suck at the biological imperative. And the only hope for your child and society is that someone actually provides the bullet you're so happy to dive in front of oh jesus wow all right one for you here

noah crystal would like you to roast southern baptists more than what you already do for a living right yeah no i get it yeah so southern baptists got to start when half the protestants decided the other half wasn't promoting there. It's okay as long as the slave wakes up the day after tomorrow book racistly enough. It's a denomination literally founded on bigotry. And that's all the worse when you consider that the religion it's a denomination of was basically founded on bigotry to begin with. Squared. And to the extent that they've reformed, it's just to expand

the list of minorities they hate. Fuck you, Southern Baptist. You're like, if Southern fucked baptism, and how much worse does the scale really go? Right? Alright, so Heath, Abby would like you to roast people who don't use the Oxford comma, or as

Eli wrote it in our notes, the Oxford coma. Fuck all you people. So hard. You people, and I'm going to use that term. I know I feel uncomfortable saying, but you people are the reason climate change is going to destroy the world. You are. You're the type of thinking.

Really? You're the Republican Party of punctuation. An objectively better system. And the smarter party group fucking knows it if they thought about it for a second but hordes of you are like the teachers of hoax steal the lectern murder even worse you're the libertarian wing of republican punctuation you're gonna get us all killed by bears or by you we're gonna be having a town meeting about the Bears and you're going to hold up a sign that says,

kill the Bears, comma, Heath and Eli. If we all knew you were using the Oxford comma all the time because we live in a fucking society, we'd all know you were talking to me and Eli and telling us to kill the Bears.

But we don't know that. So now we're getting murdered by a mob of fucking strippers dressed like JFK and Stalin. Fuck you. It's all your fault. and telling us to kill the bears. But we don't know that. So now, we're getting murdered by a mob of fucking strippers dressed like JFK and Stone. Fuck you. It's all your fault. All right.

So that brings us to our final request for you. Thomas, Melanie would like you to roast a cow named P. Andrew Torres. Another animal one, huh? What am I,

the Steve Irwin of the first fucking V for Steve? Is this because I complain about dogs ruining my podcast recordings constantly i accept the role i accept deserve it but given that i'm a vegetarian now i think asking me to roast a cow is a hate crime but i will say this all i know is if my farts were a material contributor to ocean levels rising i might try like a different diet or something or maybe maybe just like hold it. Have we tried asking cows to just hold it? Like just hold it in. I don't know.

That's all. They go away, right? If you want, I feel like maybe like hours later, you could cut it down. Have we asked? I'm not saying this, I'm not saying I've solved climate change. I mean, I might've, but like, have we tried that? Have we asked way or the other the way to disguise your advice to eli as a roast i well done all right so we have a bit of a theme for these next couple the category is podcast feuds because if we're going down you're coming with us damn it and i want to start with an easy one brad would like a roast of David Smalley. Who? Eli, he's the guy from Omega Dogma Debate. You know, the little guy.

It's that ASMR show for people who can't fall asleep without five hours of breathy, petulant sighing that's the only way you can fall asleep. So they listen to his show. And I'd love to jump in here with some insults for charity, of course, good cause. But according to the clown, you have to be this tall to ride the road.

Safety thing, it's OSHA. Yeah, right. No, I actually like David Smalley, what with the microphones being on and everything, so it's hard for me to really insult him. And not just because I can't see him over the tall grass, although that does make it harder, it's also because nobody can raise money for charity more vindictively than that motherfucker right there.

He can raise a little bit. I mean, there's a quarter of a million dollars for Ossoff and Warnock that suggests that Puzzle and a Thunderstorm listeners can run rings around David Smalley. Oh, yeah, just not as vindictively as Ossoff. And when his fundraiser next year is for Warnock and Ossoff, it's going to be a little obvious. I think that's really going to be weird. Alright, I got one for you here, Eli.

Wilma would like you to roast Seth Andrews. Seth's voice makes me too erect. Come on, Eli, Seth can take it. No, that's true. He can take it. He used to be a Christian. Okay, okay.

Love you, Seth, and all that. I love you. Get with the roasting, man. Okay, okay. Hey, Seth, how is your wife still a Christian, man? Oh, I'm sorry. God never comes up at the kitchen table, Seth. It would be like if Andrew's wife was a Freeman on the land or Sam Harris'

wife wasn't a racist. My pa is an atheist, Seth. I mean, look, I get it, brother. House to yourself on Sundays, but at a certain point, you gotta be living with the only theist left, thanks in part to your podcast.

That's gonna be awkward. Don't just stand in front of the fucking... That's going to be awkward. Just to stand in front of the fucking... Seth's wife is delightful, just for record. Oh, she's a lovely person. Still stands. Alright. So, Thomas, once you're fully recovered... I just didn't expect that.

So good. I was sitting here trying to think of making a joke. Yeah, if Andrew's wife used legal Zoom or something, then he says if Sam Harris' wife was so good. I was sitting here trying to think of making a joke. Yeah, if Andrew's wife used legal Zoom or something. And then he says if Sam Harris' wife was a racist. Oh, God. That's so good. Sorry. All right.

Okay. Speaking of which, Michael would like you to roast Eli. Oh, perfect time. You know, what's funny about this roast is I did this not having read any of the previous stuff. And so with that said, I'm going to say this. Sometimes I hear Eli talk or I have him on my show and I just think, God damn, this guy is so fucking intelligent.

Like really, he really is. And then I see his spelling and grammar and I just think like, how are you running with that as your operating system? How could you be so smart, and yet you have such a terrible grasp of the very symbols that make abstract thought possible for our species?

It's like if I cracked open the Windows source code and it's just Phoebe's crayon drawings. I'm like, what? That's how this works? That's what makes up this thing? Also, isn't your mom an author? Like a semi-famous author? I mean, I don't have much

of a relationship with my mom, but at least my very existence isn't an insult to her chosen profession. Wasn't your dad a teacher too? Also?

Yep. All teachers. They hate you so much. He also once broke a van backing out of a driveway. That's my favorite. That's my favorite Eli story of all time. I just want to repeat the verb, backing. Out of a driveway someone else pulled into.

When you reverse, things come from behind you, Eli. That was 10 feet long. And none of us were surprised, I think, was the biggest part. Nope. We were just like, all right. You backed into a giant tree branch. It smashed the window. That noise happened feet away from you, and you kept going for 10 feet.

Didn't we try to get rid of the tree branch like it was the perfect crime, like we buried the body out back? They'll never know. like it was the perfect crime, like we buried the body out back? They'll never know. Oh, until you've seen Andrew go from gesturing the van backwards to give up, shrug, walk inside, you have

lived, my friends. Alright, Noah, I got some revenge here since you ruined my bromance with Seth Andrews. Ryan would like you to roast Lucinda and would like Lucinda to roast you. Okay, but Lucinda's not here, though. Yeah, well, you just do her, and I'm pretty sure

she'll work hers in when she hears this. Oh, okay. No, I don't know. As long as we've been married, I can get away with a well-intentioned insult now and again. She's been tuning me out for years. She'll never know. I was a little hesitant about moving to her hometown, though, but it turns out to be a great place to spend a pandemic. Every time I get depressed

about the death toll, I just glance out the window and remind myself that not all those deaths are bad. Alright, so Heath, a Kenny and Kyle's company in a day development would like you to roast a how-to heretic. Oh, I don't know. I feel kind of bad. I like Bryce Blankenagle. He's like, he's good.

Right? But that other ex-Mormon show can go fuck itself it looks like a a boy band from westworld during a 30-year reunion all right and andrew jenny and jordan would like you to roast heath for the record the email said it could be me or eli yeah but andrew i would never do that. His dad just died. What kind of monster do you think I am, Andrew? I would never. He's vulnerable right now. He's hurting. I hate you guys so much.

Well, you'll hate us more later. Yeah, true. Alright. So look, I want to tell you a real story about narrow AI and about how it can break out of its pre-programmed limits. Okay, so seriously, real experiment. You can Google it. Tetris-playing AIs were pitted

against each other as an evolutionary strategy to see which algorithm could last the longest, and they recursively self-modified their strategy so the winner learned how to send a ground signal that would pause the game before the last Tetris block

would fall. Right? Nice. Good play. That's such a good play. Yeah. A trivia playing AI that learned how to delete the answer key so that its answers would always show up as 100% correct. Anyway, IBM calls that AI project Keith. So.

All right. And last but certainly not least, one of the highest donations we got. Amanda donated $1,000 for this one. So in the words of the Green Party Twitter the day after the election in 2016, everybody pile on Andrew. Excellent. Andrew, you look like you're in a men's rights opera

all the time. Wow. Neck beard barber of Seville. All right. Oh, I got one. Check out the promotional stuff for his podcast if you don't believe me.

There is absolutely no difference between a portrait and a caricature of this man. He looks like he was designed to be easy to draw

in a hurry. Fair. See, we all like to joke around here at the scathing atheist that Andrew prevents me from wacky and possibly felonious actions. But listen to me when I say, podcast listener, I have watched Andrew Torres's innocence ripped away like Lucretia by Trump's presidency. He longs to tell you to kill Joe Manchin. He has diagrams just waiting to tweet out to you of where his house is.

Don't get it twisted, podcast listener. Deep under that smiling, calm, law-explaining face of happiness lies the seven-style murder he has planned for Brett Kavanaugh. And don't let him tell you otherwise.

I'm picturing the head in the box and I'm loving it. This is a lovely image to end on there. What's in the box? Squee and Brett. I mean, look, I've already roasted myself once already, but what the hell? Here it goes again. I'm the kind of guy who gets on Facebook and posts plated pictures of what I've made for dinner, even when what I made for dinner was a hot dog. I have posted hot dog pictures on Facebook three times.

I know for a fact those were amazing hot dogs, though. I wasn't even there. But I know whatever Andrew did to make hot dogs was so fucking good and involved and seasoned correctly. And like, maybe there was like an 18 month process of brewing something that involved, I don't know what it would be. No, one was literally with a slice of American cheese wrapped around it in a biscuit. It was sick. So the only roast I have is that, you know, every week on the show, Andrew watches me fail at the law on the bar exam. And I'm sure he has a laugh.

But what you don't get to see behind the scenes is me watching Andrew fail at audio every single week. I kid you not, last week, Andrew was like, I know my voice was too loud. My mic was too loud last time, so I put it further away from me. That's a real thing that I really said. It's going to record more of the room.

And I get the echo of you, but your voice. That helps. I gently suggested perhaps turn the volume down. You know what? I'm just going to face away from it. I'm going to bounce my voice off of a wall towards the microphone like that. I'll whisper. All right.

Well, I'll tell you what. there are, believe it or not, still more insults to go, but we are nearing the finish line at this point. Andrew, Thomas, thanks so much for hanging out. Thank you. Thank you? Question mark? Yeah. Our partnerships and tatters, we're quitting the show, but you know, it was worth

it because somebody donated some money in 2007 or whatever it was. Tune in for the very last episode of Opening Arguments tomorrow. Before we pull up the blankets tonight, I wanted to let you know that if you can't get enough me in your life, you can find a little bonus me on the most recent episode of Cognitive Dissonance. We talked about the new book, the pandemic,

and the fact that we're all fucking doomed, but we had a lot of fun. Check the show notes for a link. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's

Hot Friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, this would be a sad excuse for a show if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for making his triumphant return this week. Really missed you, bro. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for just making a regular return, because you know, it hasn't been as long, but we still missed him, too. Also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lutions

for stepping aside this week to make room for more insults. Also want to thank Andrew and Thomas one last time for being so generous with their time this week. Check out the show notes for links to more of their shit as well. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people who will get thanked by name next week. I promise, along with the person who provided the Farnsworth quote. And if you'd like to hear your name alongside theirs, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingads, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side

of the homepage at skatingads.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're distrustful of websites that start with PA, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at PAATpod on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the content info on the content page at skatingads.com. dot com. Joining me for headlines. What was that?

No, I was making a joke. You nailed it. You nailed it. Great timing. So humor is all about the timing. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. You nailed it. You nailed the count. Great timing. So humor is all about the timing. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.

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