The Scathing Atheist - 421: Sam I Was Edition

Episode Date: March 11, 2021

In this week’s episode, the libs will change it to “one fish, two fish, blue fish, blue fish”, we’ll show you how to stand up and be counted while you’re still sitting down, an we’ll find out what it would look like if the Bible got stoned. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the atheism survey here: https://secularcommunities.com/2021scs --- Headlines: Christians respond after 6 Dr. Seuss books were 'canceled' for 'hurtful' portrayal: https://www.christianpost.com/news/6-dr-seuss-books-canceled-how-should-christians-respond.html Study: Atheism isn’t bad for your health: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/06/study-atheism-isnt-bad-for-your-health/ Mike Lindell is making another election conspiracy movie: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/mike-lindell-is-readying-another-documentary-and-lawsuit-that-he-claims-will-finally-convince-scotus-the-election-was-stolen/ Are You Non-Religious? Then Take the “Secular Communities Survey”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/02/are-you-non-religious-then-take-the-secular-communities-survey/ Robert Jefress: There’ll be work in heaven, but no government regulation: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/08/robert-jeffress-youll-work-in-heaven-but-without-any-government-regulations/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Pastors tell wives to lose weight, church in uproar: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/02/after-baptist-pastor-tells-wives-to-lose-weight-his-church-is-in-crisis-mode/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/01/a-baptist-pastor-delivered-a-wildly-sexist-sermon-telling-wives-to-lose-weight/ and https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/02/baptist-pastor-who-told-wives-to-lose-weight-has-taken-a-leave-of-absence/ Texas school assignment tells girls to “dress to please men”: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/texas-schools-chivalry-assignment-told-girls-to-dress-to-please-men/ Conservatives freak out about Lola Bunny being slightly de-sexualized: https://www.newsweek.com/lola-bunnys-desexualized-space-jam-2-redesign-sparks-intense-debate-1574012

Warning, the following podcast contains all the offensive words that aren't actually offensive. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Adam and Eve, ZipRecruiter, and by the new exercise program for religious people who want to stay in shape by throwing temper tantrums every time something offends their Lord and Savior, CrossFit. Ah, fuck. Fuck, we'll have to get back to you on a name. And now, The scathing atheist. This is Dr. Kimberly Urban, doctor of neuroscience,

former researcher at one of the top children's hospitals in the country, current purveyor of knowledge for one of the world's most advanced live cell imaging systems, and seriously overqualified wife. I took time away from important shit to tell you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men and women, some of whom went on to become fucking doctors other than mds whether you like it or not It's Thursday. It's March 11th. And when I looked into my heart for Christ, all I found was a bunch of blood. Damn it, I've no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Chris D'Elia's New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State and Redtown Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, you're more likely to get a vaccine just by listening to this podcast. Huh. One fish, two

fish. What the fuck is next? Colors and numbers got cancelled. I don't know what's next. Damn it. Damn it. And we'll find out what it would look like if the Bible got stoned. But first, the diatribe. Yeah, I think the biggest selling point of atheism might be the fact that we're not scared of our shadows. Like, religious people look at atheism, be the fact that we're not scared of our shadows like religious people look at atheism and they oftentimes say like i don't know the idea that formless oblivion

after i die that's a little scary and i'm like yeah i guess but it's also real you motherfuckers are scared of cartoon dragons you're afraid about immortal goat man that's trying to trick you into enjoying butt stuff you're afraid when your total at the fast food joint comes to six dollars and 66 fucking cents i feel like the after lifeless void fear has to pale in comparison to all this shit you have to be afraid of right i mean i mean it's tempting to say yeah but they don't actually believe in any of that shit which is no doubt entirely true for some of them and partially true for the rest. I mean, if you honestly believe that the king of evil had an army of invisible torture monsters engaged in a constant battle to trick you into

winding up in the internal fucking pain dimension, you'd be a nervous wreck every second of every day. They can't possibly all the way believe that shit, but some of them definitely somewhat believe some of it. And even that seems debilitatingly terrifying. Of course, the way they manage to function day to day around that fear is the same way that they manage to cling to their beliefs, despite the overwhelming evidence that they're wrong. They just don't let themselves think about it all that hard.

I mean, consider ghosts, right? Like I have multiple members of my family that are legitimately afraid of ghosts, despite the fact that all of those ones are christian and there's definitely no room in christian theology for ghosts but somehow they maintain this demonstrably false belief enough so to be scared of it now i you know i ask you to imagine what that must be like but i feel like most of us can just remember what it was like i think most of us grew out of it when we were still children, but you can probably still remember what it was like walking into that creepy-ass basement or taking the trash out after

dark, walking out past that spooky-ass tree. At the point where I was maximally scarable, the big thing was alien abduction, so I was terrified that there were little gray men with anal probes hiding around every corner. And I'm sure many of you maintained at least some of those irrational fears into adulthood, whether they came from your religious sources or just from a simple lack of skepticism. But think about how irrational our fears are in these things, beyond the fact that they don't exist. I mean, in none of my examples would we even be remotely scared of the correct thing. I mean, like, what's scarier the fact that you could get snatched up by aliens who would shove stuff up your butt or whatever sinister

ass shit those aliens have in mind that required so much knowledge of the human rectum but when the fear overtook me i was just afraid of how creepy it would be to see those like bulbous alien heads with those featureless eyes consider Consider ghosts. If ghosts are a thing, the least scary aspect of them is that they might rattle a fucking chain in your basement now and again. The scary thing is the idea that after death you could somehow get stranded on the earth with nothing better to do than bum around your old house rattling chains. That posthumous limbo is so much scarier than any kind of ghost sighting. And yet that's not even the part of the ghosts that scare people. Lastly, consider Satan. I mean, him and his torture chamber are plenty scary, but the truly terrifying thing about that situation would definitely be the omnipotent deity that continues to humor the motherfucker.

The God that you're worshiping that's constantly like, oh, darn it. Satan got another one of them souls. I better vaguely suggest which religion is correct through toast better next time, I guess. That's so much scarier than the dude who just admits up front that he's all about some evil and torture and shit. So sure, if you think rationally about any one of those fears, you'd fear them differently. But at the same time, if you thought about them rationally, you wouldn't fear them at all. differently but at the same time if you thought about them rationally you wouldn't fear them at all right but to examine questions about ghosts and satan critically is to open up the door to doubt and eventually disbelief fear of the irrational is the price of being irrational

which is no more profound than to say that the price of being stupid is stupidity but that's not the only price right because there actually are things that we need to be afraid of. There are very serious issues that you can only adequately address if we afford them the proper amount of fear. Things like climate change, nuclear proliferation, the goddamn ongoing pandemic. And we've seen over and over again that those most inclined to fear the imaginary are least likely to fear these very real threats we're facing. Sometimes I guess this is because religious people are just all feared out. There's only so many things you can spend your days anxious about. Other times it's simply because they've decoupled fear from rationality

and real shit takes more effort to understand. Still other times it's because their religion straight up tells them there's nothing to fear. When the end of the world is the victory condition, existential threats don't hit with the impact they probably deserve. But regardless of the individual reasons, the overriding cause is cowardice. When the things that you fear most are imaginary, their solutions can also be imaginary. As scary as Satan is, all you need is the magic Jesus words to thwart him. As terrifying as hell is, you you need is the magic Jesus words to thwart him. As terrifying as hell is,

you're never going to go there. As scary as ghosts are, Jesus already put in a good word for you. That's some other motherfucker's problem. When you graduate to fearing real stuff, the answers are never that simple. Hell, there's not even a guarantee that there is an answer. And thus we come to the bizarre conclusion that far too many religious people are terrified of a fearless life. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Pompeian Crassus to my Caesar, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to triumph?

Yeah, yeah. Everything ended super well for those three. So looking forward to it is this about my plot to stab you know because that was a birthday prank and i need you to get over okay all right well while i once again angrily explain to eli what i'd mean we're gonna pause for a word from our first sponsor this week adam and eve it's the opposite of evens perfect all right here we go hey he jesus what's funny here sneak a plastic shark that eats dicks or a plastic dick that eats sharks yeah we're trying to settle a bet oh great noah's here too cool uh yeah so i guess the the shark that eats dicks see See, I told you. Fine.

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Okay. I have no idea what you're talking about. This is my snack. This is unrelated to this weird thing you said. But what's adamandeve.com? adamandeve.com is the number one adult toy superstore, and they've got way better ways for you to make your downstairs bits feel good. Again, just I have no idea what you're referencing right now. But really, Adam and Eve has better stuff?

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I'm in. Thanks. You're not going to eat your snack? Right. No. Yes. Of course I'm going to eat my snack. I'm going to have it right now.

Is that a good banana peel? Yep. It's pithy i'm enjoying this and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight in green eggs and ken ham news we have a story about dr seuss and panicky christian people ken ham isn't directly involved but he worked for my thing at the beginning it's pretty sweet worth it worth it renex and ken hams the dr seuss also he did ken ham he did once freak out when a government official got sworn in using a dr seuss book instead of a file that's right yeah that's right anyway here's the story for today dr seuss got got murdered by Ray Bradbury with a flamethrower last week. Conservatives are freaking out.

Obviously, that's not what happened, but that's the approximate spin and the approximate magnitude of the reaction. What actually happened is the estate of Dr. Seuss decided that six of their books had problematic racial stereotypes, like, for example example a chinese man with literal slits for eyes super super offensive so they're not going to publish those six books anymore because liberals hate children exactly hate learning right yeah look if you're a white person over the age of like 35 or whatever and you've never gone back to something that you liked as a kid and said damn damn, was that some problematic shit? That's because you are some problematic shit.

It's you. Stick your finger. Your finger hurts when you touch yourself now. Yeah. It's weird how nobody defending these pictures uses the actual images as their proof. Uh-huh. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. I never saw anybody point to the pictures themselves. That's so weird. So I'll start with the most reasonable Christian reaction I could find to this. And it comes from the spokesman for a literal hate group. So not a good time for Christianity. Jeff Johnston of Focus on the Family, an SPLC listed hate group. He admitted that some of the books have depictions that are problematic. But, you know, not problematic enough

to let a company make a choice in the free market about its own product, of course. According to Johnston, quote, as Christians, we want to be temperate and not rush to judgment. Dr. Seuss was a product of his time. Side note, his time was a product of Christianity. Yes, right.

Continuing, it feels like we're destroying our own history by the knee-jerk reaction to Yank books. Wow. End quote. Well, you know, if there's anybody known for restraint and the condemnation of things that offend them, it's focus on the family. So at least they're being consistent, right?

Yeah. So Jeff Johnston finished giving his interview with the Christian Post. That's what that was from. And then he probably turned on Tucker Carlson tonight, where he heard a less reasonable response than the one he just provided, again, on behalf of a hate group. Tucker Carlson went on a giant rant

about cancel culture obviously even though all the canceling was done by the pub they canceled what they wanted to of their own stuff obviously self-canceled yeah self-canceled thank you and then tucker carlson mentioned that dr seuss had lots of books about anti-bigotry which is true and irrelevant to this particular point. Irrelevant to his point, yeah. Yes, 100% irrelevant to his point. The company decided to make it so all their books are anti-bigotry. There you go. That's what they're doing, or at least a step in that direction.

Right, yeah. But that was two entire sentences of nuance just now that we're talking about. So Tucker was not having it. No. He told his millions of viewers on Fox News, quote, if we lose this battle, America is lost. What?

Okay. Who had Dr. Seuss's racist cartoons as the line for America in the pool. I had freedom fries back in 2001. So I am out.

I am way out. All right. Well, apparently America is lost because this already happened. Yeah. Tucker seems to think it was like something that could be prevented. Well, apparently America is lost because this already happened. Yeah. Tucker seems to think it was like something that could be prevented. No, this is done. Tucker lost the butter battle.

He lost it to the company he thought he was fighting for. It's a weird situation. It's also worth noting that the books they stopped publishing account for approximately 0% of sales from the Dr. Seuss catalog. Yeah. None of sales from the dr seuss catalog yeah none of them are the most popular titles but they're all selling these these six they're all selling for way too much money all of a sudden because crazy people think they should protest the seuss company by purchasing a bunch of books from the seuss that's so driven up stupid

at this point, I'm convinced somebody's going to become a millionaire by saying the Libs canceled giving them $14 cash. Not on my watch. You take Venmo, motherfucker. Bottom line,

if you're keeping score at home, the biggest issues facing conservative America right now are the well-being of an actress who's too much of a bigot for the Walt Disney Corporation. The gender identity of a plastic potato toy. Yep. And whether or not to secede from the union in response to that. And of course, the God-given right to buy new copies of a children's book with a drawing of Mickey Rooneyoney and yellow face from breakfast at tiffany's that's the problem for them right now the stuff facing our nation

during this pandemic yeah oh a simpler world and in health-bound heathens news tonight yet another study has shown that atheism is only bad for your health if you're around muslim extremists with machetes and i i know that just seemed like something so goddamn obvious we wouldn't need a study about it, let alone a study of the yet another variety. But once again, godless researchers have felt the need to beat back the persistent canard that atheism is bad for your health. So let me back up a bit to the root of this shit. Studies frequently show that weekly church attendance is correlated with longer life and better health. And if you're unfamiliar with the whole concept of correlation, that sounds really impressive. Right. But it turns out that weekly attendance at anything not classified as treatment is correlated with longer life and better health.

Right. Because if you're healthy enough to get up every week and go do a thing, people will get pedicures more often than they get. Chemo also live longer. But that's not because of the healing powers of fucking foot massage. But religious people like to ignore all of that and pretend that there is only causality. Until you point out how much more likely religious people are to rape and murder people. Right, yeah. All of a sudden they're talking about Hume and Kant and the tricky nature of causation. You're into the philosophy now, cool. Rules of physics sudden, they're talking about humankind and the tricky nature of causation.

Oh, you're into the philosophy now. Cool. Rules of physics work backwards as well as forwards. I can't hear you from inside the red balloon. Right, yeah. Now, this idea of divine protection has been debunked a number of times. Some researchers have pointed out that the same health benefits crop up for people who attend weekly atheist meetups, for example. that the same health benefits crop up for people who attend weekly atheist meetups, for example.

Others have pointed out how when you actually compare apples to apples, say religious, non-smoker, white, male age, such and such, such and such an income with their atheist counterpart, the advantage completely disappears. But this latest rebuttal comes from a far more direct angle and just shows that a random sampling of atheists aren't any less healthy than a random sampling of atheists aren't any less healthy than a random sampling of people right which is why i'm going with my new theory that bald with a goatee makes you live longer that's right we have the numbers everyone we can do this thing no no nothing that's generally male is gonna do that for you so it's true so this comes to us from hastily named comic book villain dr speed who

just published a new paper in the journal of religion and health demonstrating that atheism has no measurable negative effect on your physical health emotional health or psychological well-being just use your middle name or something right yeah or just fight sonic once and for all yeah so he also points out that the research that demonstrates the difference in outcomes between religious and non-religious people often uses proxies for atheism. Right. Like I checks the never box on church attendance or Mark zero for how important is religion to me rather than self-identification. Whereas with religion, it's almost always them saying, yeah, no, I'm a Christian. Right. So the data he used for the study, in fact, was 10 years old precisely because he had trouble finding data sets that defined atheist as person who checked the box marked atheist.

And if you're using one standard to determine X and a different one to determine not X, your conclusion can't help but be flawed. Yeah. Also, just for the record, if that data was from 2021 we're way more likely to be vaccinated yeah that too yeah exactly add that to the health and therefore not dead yeah right that's that's actually going to change these numbers a bit anyway the bottom line of his research is that dr speed and his team were unable to find any health deficits among the atheist in his own words quote for all intention purposes atheists. In his own words, quote, for all intents and purposes,

atheists did not substantially deviate from non-atheist groups, end quote. And that's damn impressive as a result when you consider that our site has had Eli this whole time. That's true. Every day I wake up, some all-state life insurance salesman screams, how at their computer and lights another cigarette. And in Stop the stolen news we have a story about mike lindell again as many of you already know lindell is a pillow engineer and political scientist who produced and starred in a documentary about the 2020 election being stolen

from donald trump that movie was called Absolute Proof. We did it on Godawful Movies. And I guess that didn't tell the whole story. Absolute Proof wasn't the whole story. It wasn't quite enough. Because Lindell announced last week that he's about to release Absolute Proof 2. Okay, now it's Absolute.

Okay, all right. Well, even the never-ending story got a sequel, okay. Yeah, but at least that one had a dead horse we could be sad about beating. Both stories had the same turtle in it, though. That's true. So here's a quick background for anyone who hasn't been following

the Homerian epic of Mike Lindell's life. He started his career by dropping out of college to pursue highly lucrative business opportunities in the carpet cleaning and lunch wagon sectors. Then after that, crack cocaine. That lasted about 30 years. Then he invented the world's greatest biblical pillow, became a millionaire, campaigned for Donald Trump, bailed out Kyle Rittenhouse from jail, made a movie about Dominion voting machines, shooting votes to Europe along, coincidentally, the exact same path as airlines go to Europe.

got kicked off Twitter and Facebook and YouTube, got sued by Dominion for $1.3 billion, and finally announced another movie with a budget of, I don't think he realizes this, but approximately $1.3 billion. Did I miss anything important? What else has he done? The anti-planned parenthood movie he produced that we had to watch,

wherein he paid to have a fake planned parenthood sign erected just so he could knock it down with construction equipment that happened yep that's true and here's the big announcement from last week lindell went on the victory channel i don't know what that is but it's apparently a channel he went on the victory channel to tell everyone about the new documentary. Apparently, he's also working on a lawsuit along with this documentary. That lawsuit is going to lead to a Supreme Court ruling. It's going to be 9-0. It's going to put Trump

back in the White House. That's what Lindell thinks. According to my lie, which I'm really happy about, that's what we're calling him from now on. According to my lie, begin quote, begin sick, just blanket. Within the next 10 days or so, there's going to be a platform I'm putting

out that's going to be the focal point where everyone can go out and there's they can't stop YouTube and all this stuff. That's the end of the sentence. Yep. What we're going to do, I'm continuing, what we're going to do, we're going to put out evidence every single day more and more as we build this up.

And all this other evidence is showing. I'm going to come out with another documentary showing all the foreign interference. We're bringing it up. We got the case. It's almost ready. And when we bring it in five, six weeks before the Supreme Court. Now, let me tell you, by the time it gets there, everyone's going to see, everyone's going to know it, including all nine of them justices.

End quote. It's all so clear now. You guys got that? Yeah. I hate it when trailers spoil the movie. Maybe that's just me. And one last thing.

If anyone wants to see one of the greatest moments in the history of accidental comedy during a news show, check out Mike Lindell's interview on Newsmax last month. Newsmax, by the way, is an extremely conservative outlet, and they were trying to talk about the cancel culture angle of Lindell getting kicked off Twitter. But Lindell wouldn't stop shouting lies about the election. But Lindell wouldn't stop shouting lies about the election. So the Newsmax anchor spends literally an entire minute talking over Lindell's rant. Lindell would not stop. The news guy's reading a legal disclaimer to avoid getting sued by Dominion. And then the news guy literally walks off the set.

Yeah. And they're also probably getting sued by Newsmax the news maxes along with Mike Lindell and Sidney Powell and Rudy Giuliani Fox News and of course One News America who aired Absolute Proof Part 1 with a huge disclaimer probably still getting sued. Well the funniest

thing about that of course is that they had him on to complain about cancel culture so they couldn't then cancel him right? They couldn't just shut off his fucking microphone. They're like, God damn it, we've painted ourselves into a corner. What are we, CPAC? So they canceled. They canceled themselves. They're like, okay, we're

leaving. We're leaving now. I'm going to go sit in the green room with Piers Morgan. You guys do this. I'm going to read Think It Happened on Mulberry Street. Tell you about all the pictures. This again. All right.

Well, I need some time to process the realization that I have more Mike Lindell to watch in the future. So we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible.

A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. I bet Pastor Stuart Allen Clark is pissed at me.

A week and a half ago, he very clearly auditioned for this segment, and it was one of the most impressive auditions I've ever seen. But I didn't do a twim last week, so he got left out. But let me be super clear here. It wasn't for a lack of misogyny. So, first of all, Stuart Allen is his first name, which strikes me as bullshit right there. Pick a fucking name, dude. You have two names that could easily be reduced to a single syllable, and you expect a motherfucker to say out all four syllables?

You ain't that important, Stu. Anyway, secondly, and far more importantly, Stewie earned himself a bit of unwanted celebrity a couple weeks back when a video of one of his sermons went viral. In the sermon, he implies that cheating husbands are the wife's fault for not looking better. He says he put a weight limit on his wife that triggers divorce, and perhaps worst of all, implied that women should strive to be more like Melania Trump. Now, unlike most stories of pastors spewing unchecked misogyny, this one doesn't end in his promotion or a six-figure GoFundMe campaign, yet. Instead, within 24 hours of the video going public, the church took down its Facebook page, deleted its YouTube archives, and announced Stu

would be taking a leave of absence to seek professional counseling. Because apparently, just don't be an asshole was too much for him to handle on his own. But as inartfully as Stewie rendered it, it's not like his message is uncommon in conservative Christian circles. I saw a story a few days later out of Lubbock, Texas, where a high school chivalry assignment encouraged female students to dress in a feminine manner to please men not to complain or whine and to, quote, walk behind men daintily as if their feet were bound, end quote. And no, this wasn't just an explanation of how shit used to be. The students were asked to get signatures from adults verifying that they were behaving in a chivalrous manner and would get points on the assignments for every signature. So parents saw this assignment and rightly complained. After it was shared in a private Facebook group, it was replaced. But holy hell, how the fuck does it take parental complaints for

a school to realize it's not okay to hand out assignments telling girls not to show intellectual superiority for fear of offending men and that, quote, ladies must obey any reasonable request of a male, end quote. Of course, we already know the answer to that question, don't we? And the answer is America. This is a country, after all, that wound itself into a state of frothing outrage when it came to light that the new Space Jam movie reduced the size of Lola Bunny's tits. And I guess expecting more from them was my own mistake. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in stand-up and be counted news.

you, Lucinda. And in stand up and be counted news, remember how Noah just told you about how we're dealing with constant bullshit about how religion is good for you because nobody studies secular communities? Well, good news. Someone is doing something about that. And you, yes, you podcast listener, can participate. Thanks to a superstar lineup that includes professor of religious studies at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and better looking Paul Bettany Joseph Blankholm, as well as senior fellow at the Institute of Humanist Studies, board member of the American Humanist Association, and a man so sexy he's legally required to list himself as a flood hazard, Joachim Navarro Riviera PhD. We are finally being studied. And you can participate.

So give the scientific world a better understanding of your beliefs, the communities you belong to, and as Noah pointed out, just the fact that you fucking exist. Yeah, because let's face it. No matter what anybody that loves you says, the only people who care about your opinion are doing surveys. Okay? Exactly.

The reality of the world. as the only people who care about your opinion are doing surveys. Okay? Exactly. Exactly. The reality of the world. Now, I do have to point out that as good-looking, smart, and sensual as Joseph and Yohim are, their survey can be found at the rather tricky-to-remember secularcommunities.com forward slash 2021 SCS. So, we here at The Scathing Atheist have made it a little easier for you. Yes, I can buy prank domain names for good as well as evil. So you'll find their survey at atheismsurvey.com, which Joe and Joachim, if you're listening, that costs $12. I'm just saying, guys, it was $12,

atheismsurvey.com. Or if for some reason you find atheismsurvey.com, tricky to remember, I've also directed Iwillfuckyourdad.com to their survey as well. So get out there and be counted. atheismsurvey.com Or Iwillfuckyourdad.com. I feel like that's easy to remember. Yeah, right.

You're going to get those guys some weird web traffic by accident. If it happens, it happens. Probably a lot of atheists, though. It's going to be good. It's going to be good. It's going to be good. I am an atheist. And finally tonight in Oh, my soul to the company store news.

Fantastic. Thank you. Atheism got a big rhetorical boost a couple of weeks ago when Robert Jeffress admitted that heaven fucking blows. This accidental confession came during an appearance on jim baker's show and no the revelation was not that heaven would eventually include those two assholes though that should be enough of an argument against it in terms of retirement destinations but it turns out that it's going to be even worse than that because in addition to being full of jackass christians

heaven is also going to be filled with manual labor that That's right. According to Jeffress, there will still be work in heaven, but we're going to enjoy it because of, I shit you not, the lack of government regulation. Alright, I will build you a tower of irregular lead anvils for that

bag of untaxed gold. Wee! Free labor and trade! Let's do this! I'm taking my 15 boss just kidding there is no 15 this is paradise yes yes so hearkening back to the idyllic life of dickensian factory workers jeffers painted this utopian picture of an unregulated labor market by pointing out that if god didn't intend for us to work he wouldn't have made the simple act of survival require constant backbreaking effort. Quote, remember, God created us to be workers. Work was a gift from God before the fall of Adam and Eve, but in heaven, all of the things that drain the joy out of work, bodies that grow tired, strained relationships, government regulations,

all of those things will be removed and we're going to enjoy work like god intended us to enjoy it end quote oh if i have time to lean i do have time to clean the afterlife is awesome yeah this is such a bad sell of literal paradise how hard is it to sell paradise i gotta be honest i truly don't understand this shit when it comes to work government regulations are pretty much universally about workers safety pay or breaks yep yeah or like you know the 13th amendment yeah yeah well right right as silly as it sounds to hear them railing against environmental regulations because the new lat boobs look gay, I still get to hear anybody rallying around less

safe workplaces, and even the shittiest Republicans in the Senate aren't arguing to abolish the minimum wage. Except Rand Paul, right? And probably Marco Rubio. But the key takeaway here is that the next time the burden of mortality

rears up inside you, you can comfort yourself with the fact that at least the black void of nothingness is better than Christian heaven. And on that uplifting note, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we will quite emphatically not like Ike. Ike. Hi, I'm no illusions. And I'm that terrible lady who works at your job.

Have you ever wondered how the heck I ended up working here? Well, that's because hiring is hard and your job didn't use ZipRecruiter. All right, I'm taking my 20. We were kind of in the middle of something. I said I'm taking my 20! Okay, all right. What ZipRecruiter, you ask? It's the smartest way to hire.

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So while other services may overwhelm you with applications to sift through, ZipRecruiter finds you what you're looking for. Hey, yeah, Doreen, I'm about to be on break. So I thought I would call you loudly right now. One second. Let me put you on speakerphone. Of course. In fact, ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site the first day.

And right now, you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Oh, you're back already? Nah, I

still haven't taken my 20. Okay, but you did leave. Now I'm taking my 20. Many people have called Johannes Gutenberg's perfection of movable type printing the most important invention of all time. And in fairness to them, when they said that, they had no idea it would one day be used to produce David Icke's Everything You Need to Know But Have Never Been Told. So while they update their lists, we're going to dive back into this piece of shit. We suffered through the introduction and stuff last week,

but now we actually have to crack open chapter one. Spoiler alert, we will not finish it tonight. We went in with the intent of finishing it, but no. Alright, so we're going to open up on some fucking ate too many mushrooms and I haven't puked yet wisdom about the formlessness

of pre-time. Literal quote. Here we go. Once upon a time in a land scare quotes, called forever there was only awareness in inawareness of itself. What? End quote. I would have been so much happier if he had just opened with, ha, bought the book, no refunds.

Come on, I'll smoke your pot, but I'm not going to blow you. Well, and his second paragraph starts off by complimenting his first paragraph. It does. Did I just blow your mind? No? Read it again. You know, this is your fault. This is your fault.

He's like, hey, do you notice how my first paragraph captured the essence of all religion? Yeah, that's because they all have existing-ness. Nailed it. Right, yeah. So to be clear, he's opening with this whole, like, all the religions are really the same. If you think about it, look, the universality of religion is only there to the extent to which you don't know about

any of the other religions. It's like that opening paragraph just before this was fucking great, right? Yeah. Okay, moving on. That compliment about the opening paragraph was fucking great, right? Okay, okay, seriously moving on. That compliment about the compliment. I'm in a loop. I don't know what to do.

Well, I mean, honestly, I wish he'd gotten stuck in that loop because then we wouldn't have gotten to quantum quite so quickly. By the end of page one, we've already moved on to quantum damn it yeah he explains that ancient people totally knew about the big bang and black holes and stuff you see flat earth on the back of the turtle is just a metaphor for all the science yeah right no exactly exactly so his thesis he states it right here he's going to demonstrate one, the themes of all the various religions are basically correct. No, they're not.

Okay, well, Heath, he does say emphasis on basically there. That's weird that he said that. Still no. Maybe even more so now. Oh, yeah. Yes. Number two, most people are doing religion so bad that they're actually doing opposite religion, if you think about it. So just to be clear, his thesis, his numbered thesis is religion is correct, but everyone doing it is wrong.

Except him. Yes. Yeah. And number three, we should worship ourselves. Which really was him saying, okay, final part of my thesis I am God yep and uh moving on how cool was it when I said I'm God just now right

did I blow your mind I'm God me yeah so he starts off with questions like who am I and where am I which is which is nice because those are the most complex questions that I trust him to answer right and he illustrates this with figure four a picture of a man wearing a blindfold trust him to answer. Right. And he illustrates this with figure four,

a picture of a man wearing a blindfold. Fun fact, a device that does not prevent you from knowing who you are or know what you are

unless you're as stupid as David Icke. All right, David Icke, I'm just going to put this blindfold on you for a second. I'm Stevie Wonder. Where am I?

What's going on? All right. See? You're not allowed to be the volunteer for the magic act anymore. How great was it when I thought I was Stevie Wonder? Okay, so this is where he explains that step one of his program is to stop believing in reality, which is a bold but ultimately necessary step one.

But he explains that since atoms are mostly made up of empty space, the fake media doesn't know shit. It's so crazy. And apparently he's going to be in a very shouty fight with his keyboard for the whole book. He says, ask people if we live in a physical world. And they'll say, of course we do. But actually we don't no we don't fuck you no we don't real quote if i may i chuckle when i hear the fake news mainstream

media dismissing other versions of events as conspiracies and too far-fetched to believe while reporting the world from the perspective that everything is solid. End quote. You stupid whore. I bet you think I can't put my hand through this table, too. Don't you? So dumb. Yeah, okay, so he makes a ton of fucking noise

about this shit that, like, well, things aren't even really solid. We're mostly empty space. Yeah, look, man, when we realize that electromagnetic fields interacting with each other were what stopped us from being able to put our hands through tables and shit, the presence of those fields became what solid meant, right? Solidity didn't cease to exist as a concept.

Right, exactly. Another great quote. Many of the things I say are happening would not be possible if reality was physical and solid. True. And it's not a great sign for your case, David. Hey, David Icke, J.J. Thompson figured out atomic structure in 1984. I'm winning. I'm winning.

What happened to me? He goes on with the whole, like, you know, if the nucleus was the size of the peanut and the electrons, yada, yada, yada. But I'm like, yes, dude, but the nucleus isn't the size of a peanut, though. I'm a pudding giant. I have no idea what's going on. Whoever gets this plum pudding model thing from J.J. Thompson, the one person, I'm very happy about. Whoever that is, let me know. It was an awesome joke from them only.

Well, and then he just out of the blue he goes kind of makes that racism deal look a bit ridiculous eh what seriously that's not an exaggeration by no just now this is what he says he says okay well the nucleus is

much smaller than the atom very next sentence so just fucking relax about all the bigot stuff. Seriously. See, I thought he was going for was like, we're not so different because we could all fit inside a sugar cube

if there just wasn't space between our atoms. Right. Yeah, exactly. And then he starts talking about like, I just imagine all that cool shit that's going on outside the visible light spectrum.

Huh? He seems pretty sure that if we could see whatever is in between purple and red, there would be no more wars. Oh, it just says Black Lives Matter between purple and red. Weird. Holy shit. Crazy. Well, look, unseeable does not mean undetectable or unknowable, right? Like, he gets that wrong throughout like in fact the fact that we know that there's ultraviolet and infrared is proof that it is detectable all right just stop

whining about racism no cut it out quantum something something something but like his entire argument in this whole section seems to be there's all kind of weird shit going on so why not my weird shit? And then he pretends that quantum physicists are the mystical shamans of science or something. God damn it. Okay, new rule no saying quantum to explain your thing. Thank you. Just not

ever unless you've studied quantum physics. If your thing is quantum physics. Right, that's the exception. Every single time someone says that word, they're trying to do some stupid argument like this. I ask, okay, without saying the word quantum, what is quantum physics? And every time the answer is quantum hats.

Or counter proposal. If you're going to use quantum, you have to start explaining all your bullshit with quantum woo. Right? Your wife walks in on you fucking another woman. That's quantum entanglement, baby. going to use quantum you have to start explaining all your bullshit with quantum woo right your wife walks in on you fucking another woman that's quantum entanglement baby we're doing upspin come on this is one charmed quirk so of course we've already got quantum so by page six tesla makes an appearance tesla by the way totally would have agreed with Davey about all of this. Yes, quote,

As a real scientist, Nikola Tesla said long ago, the day science begins to study non-physical phenomena, it will make more progress in one decade than in all the previous centuries of our existence. End quote. Yeah, also, here's my death ray

that doesn't work, and I'm in love with a fucking pigeon. Yeah, apparently Nikola Tesla would agree that government, science, medicine, corporations, education, and media are all a scam. That's what happens right after this. David Icke literally calls this, quote, mainstream everything. We're all being fooled by big everything. Yep. Yeah. We're all being fooled by big everything. Go big or go home. And then he says,

I'm a dualist, but he's really dumb. So it takes him a super long time. So long. He says, awareness is everything. And then he very slowly realizes that awareness has to be of something else.

So there would be another thing. And then he argues with his keyboard some more. He lands on, okay, it just is. Yes, it is. It is so. It has is-ness of everything in-ness. He literally spent 463 words. I counted this whole section.

463 words to say it is. Wow. Okay. Maybe this is too specific a reference, but sometimes we're all at like an atheist convention or something. And there's a crazy person who's talking to Noah about science because they let crazy people in. And Noah likes science.

So they're talking about space or stars or whatever. But then the crazy guy tips his hand by being like, and I can actually see Bluetooth waves. That moment in time when that man says that is this chapter. This is the, oh, would you

look at that? I forgot to refill the t-shirts of chapters. There might as well be figure whatever noah patting his head yeah right speaking of which his fucking figures his what does he think pictures and books do they're just crazy person memes that don't add any new information no citation nine this blacklight poster. So David Icke very clearly watched What the Bleep Do We Know? And he was like, yeah, so, okay, no, that all makes sense.

I mean, water can be pugnacious and Marlee Matlin can dunk a basketball like she's holding turbo in NBA Jam. That all makes sense. But they seem to have no idea in this movie that I, David Icke, am the quantum godhead. I'm going to write a book and I'll have little figures just like in the movie. By the way, figure 12 is there in case we needed a visual representation of a droplet to jog our memories on what those are. Well, he's explaining the sentence, the droplet is the ocean and the ocean is the droplet, but not every droplet is as aware as the ocean if they become

perpetually isolated from the whole so I get it I needed a reminder and then god damn it he literally starts telling us about that time he tried ayahuasca not blowing you I told you so many times he says I have taken psychoactive potions twice.

We did it, everyone. We found a douchier way to talk about drug use than Joe Rogan. We found it. God. And then, like, ayahuasca-induced hallucinations, those are profound sources of knowledge.

The scientific method, fake fucking news, right? Yeah. So then I masturbated with a drum circle, and that's why bigotry is a lie and science is fake. Next chapter.? Yeah, so then I masturbated with a drum circle, and that's why bigotry is a lie in science and space. Next chapter. How cool was it when I said bigotry is a lie?

And then, of course, ghosts show up by page 10. Yeah, we learned that ghosts can pass through walls because they're operating on the same frequency as radio waves. Sort of. Yeah, I get it. You know, sometimes you're driving through mountains. All you get is a little girl who fell down in a well

and drowned. It's like a real bummer. Right? And then he tells us about an energy field that surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together. No, no, Damon. I'm not running around with you on my back.

Nice try, man. So, yeah. Apparently the reason we can't walk through walls is because we all vibrate wallishly. Yeah, right. And David Icke, he's learning to vibrate un-wallishly.

So that's going to be cool whenever he figures that. I guarantee you, 100%, hundoundo p guarantee he has hurt himself many times trying to do that i'm pretty sure i'm vibrating left this time hold on i think i got this we also get this baffling quote we give names to scare quotes different oceans like the atlantic pacific and Indian, but they are the same body of water. What? So, like, technically... I need a visual aid. What is a droplet, anyway?

We have a visual aid. We have figure 17, wherein the phantom self is represented by a dude wearing VR glasses with eye stickers on the... Anyway, okay, And then we talk NDEs. He seems to recommend them as

a great way to see that all the allness and none of the noneness. And I just want to say as much as we make fun of David Icke, I want to be clear, we here at The Scathing Atheist are in favor of David having as many near-death experiences as he wants to have.

Really, get out there and find the truth. Walk through that wall one more time. Caving atheists are in favor of David having as many near-death experiences as he wants to have. Really? Let's do it. Get out there and find the truth. Walk through that wall one more time. And then he puts out a roomy quote, and I'm like, yeah, no, the fact that your worldview hasn't progressed beyond 13th century mystics seems a point of pride that you should brag about in your book. Okay. In fairness, though, he also has a quote from the famous, you know, modern quantum physicist, Leonard Cohen. I think he got the quote wrong.

If I remember correctly, Leonard Cohen wasn't talking about being the isness of yes in any of his songs. The quote was, get my quote out of your stupid fucking book. I'll beat you to death with my guitar. It was closer to the thing I said. Also, by the way, the pictures on page 14, both of them, he already used on page 8. Did you honestly think I wasn't going to notice that droplet picture showing back up, you

asshole? But yeah, but so far the book's message could be succinctly summarized by that stupid fucking coexist sticker. Yeah. And a cookie doused and come in the middle of a drumstick yeah or yeah i'll cover it a coexist sticker doused and come in the middle of a baking so there you go yeah any of those would have done baking circles have come in a no i don't have it

we'll get we'll come back to you we'll come back to you a sticker eating come nope i thought i had it go so another quick quote to show you what we're dealing with here quote the still and silent all that is produces what is called creation to the imagination of its point of attention large and small really got to refill these t-shirts man it's a wonderful meeting you so great so many sizes that we have to keep track of. And right after this, we learn apparently evil happens because all that is, which is his like divine character. So all that is, has a little bit of ADHD.

You know, the atomic bomb, I get it. There's some bad stuff. That was all that is just making a doodle in the margin during a daydream and then being like, fuck, fuck fuck sorry

sorry that's ah that is canon now i gotta keep that now i guess you guys gotta figure it out sorry though but section summary david eich is smarter than all the scientists and philosophers yeah scientists are all wrapped up with mainstream everything but it's really all about the you know underground jam band all to everything we're reading 689 pages of a guitar solo on a dat tape i'm exhausted i just little personal anecdote i was reading this after just having had my pupils dilated yeah i doctor so the only way to see this was to hunker an inch and a half away from my ipad like an elizabethan bookkeeper with a single candle it was never worth it no no ipad that they had that bookkeeper so and then we learn that other dimensions are just other frequencies of

reality right sounds a little confusing but don't worry. There's a visual aid. Yep. So, you know how radio and television signals are kind of like a centaur and a lion

fighting an alien on a dartboard next to Neptune and a Native American guy? Yeah. Yeah, it's like that. That's precisely

the picture. That is the picture. You guys got it? All the stoner nephews of the world banded together to illustrate this book. Oh, God. Then he explains what quantum computers are.

No, he doesn't. He goes, he goes like, if our universe wasn't a quantum computer, where would all the quantum physics come from? And I'm pretty sure he answered his own rhetorical question in a way that contradicts himself because the answer is a Wi-Fi hotspot made of the is-ness exists too. Unlike regular computers which only do ones and zeros,

quantum computers can do all the numbers. Infinite numbers of number-ness. Oh, God. And by the way, I should point out that this has been like what are we on the third paragraph in the book at this point it's like he's afraid that if he lets

the paragraph end we will leave oh to be fair I would fucking have loved to have left by the end of this paragraph yeah he got like three pages into laboriously paraphrasing Morpheus's, you know, but what is real speech?

And then he quotes it directly. Yup. He left out the quote from Descartes though. I think the quote from Descartes was, hey, Leonard Cohen, will you beat the fuck out of David Icke with a guitar

if he uses anything related to anything I've ever written sometime in the future? Great. And then acupuncture shows up by page 21. Right, yeah. Acupuncture meridians are just like a motherboard on a computer. He'll explain though.

He'll explain. So, you know how you can jam needles into the motherboard? He's done. That's the end of it. Only David Icke could be wronger than fucking acupuncture i love the point he's making is that acupuncture meridians are lines and motherboards have lines on them oh is that the point yeah yeah oh okay well nailed it Oh, and by the way, this is amazing. On the fucking caption under figure 35, it says that video games, quote,

hack the five senses. Okay. Is there an olfactory gustatory component that I've been missing this whole time? What does untitled goose game taste like? War.

Oh, okay. I was asked and answered, I guess. All right. Moving on. A little more quantum wisdom here. If you get quantum enough, the rocks will talk to you. That is the opening sentence of this subsection. Damn it.

I'm reading a book by a guy who describes rocks as literally, quote, inanimate phenomena. That's how he says rocks are. Is David Icke winning? I do. We certainly aren't. We're losing, yeah. So, okay. So, yeah.

So, but the point here basically is that plants can hear, ergo mountains think. Okay. Okay. New addendum to the quantum rule. We're going to have to add rules all the time, I'm guessing. David Icke does not get to say ergo or any synonyms for ergo. Just letting him put sentences next to each other,

that's already generous. That's very problematic already that he's allowed to do sentence and then sentence. I don't like it. Fun fact, though, if you swap out all the ergos in this book with but of course that doesn't means, it's a good book again. It makes sense. Well, I don't know what's good., though, if you swap out all the ergos in this book with, but of course that doesn't means, it's a good book again.

It makes sense. Well, I don't know what's good. It makes sense. Yeah, exactly. More. Then he says things about DNA, and I challenge anyone on the fucking planet to describe what he did in more detail.

What? DNA is oscillation. Bears beats Battlestar Galactica. That's your fucking chapter, man. I did it better than you. That was more useful. Very much. Dwight Schrute did a better job.

So yeah, so now he points out that pretend surgery is just as good as real surgery. Better even if you think about it because it's cheaper. Yes. That's because, again, quote, everything in all infinite existence is consciousness slash awareness

interacting with itself. Surgically. Yeah. I guess. Crazy shit. And then he gives us a quick primer on the function

and form of DNA. This is where we learn that so-called junk DNA is actually where all the magic bits are hiding. Yeah, he makes the claim that 95% of DNA appears to have no function. Right. He's pitching the only movie dumber than Limitless and Lucy.

It's limited. I like Limitless. How dare you? All right. limitless how dare you all right so but then the the evil doctors and big pharma of course are the ones that are hiding all the life-extending dna magic okay so here's what i learned from this section david ike definitely tried to create a quantum leaping baby by hitting tuning forks during conception and his wife was like you got to fucking stop that. I don't know, Heath. There's no way a tuning fork isn't a more pleasant

sound than David Icke having an orgasm. Hold it right next to my ear, though, or I can't hear it. How great was my orgasm a second ago, right? Ding. Yeah, this is better. All right. Well, I had it in my nose that we would make sure to wrap up before this segment talked about what David Icke's orgasms were going to sound right. Well, I had it in my nose that we would make sure to wrap up

before this segment talked about what David Icke's orgasms were going to sound like. Clearly, I have failed myself and the listeners, so we're going to wrap it up here. But as much as I'd like to say that's because we reached

the end of the chapter, it's not. So we'll be back with the second half of chapter one on the next edition of God Awful books. Before we reach the 60-minute mark, I want to remind all the people who have been taking the pandemic seriously

and minimizing their travel and masking up and doing without that we're almost there. Thank you so much for everything that you've done. It sucks that anybody has to ask more of you, but we're almost there. You've handled it for a year. We can get through a couple more months of this but we are almost there anyway that's all

the blast we've got for you tonight but we're back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptocrat debuting at 7 a.m eastern on monday an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously this episode would be the shadow of an echo if I neglected to thank Heath Enright, who is remarkably trim for a guy with the word eat in his name.

I need to thank Eli Bosnick, who is remarkably honest for a guy with the word lie in his name. I also need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who has the word sin in her name. I also want to thank Dr. Kimberly Urban for both the Farsworth quote and all the important shit she got back to afterwards. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's

most memorable mortals, Forrest, Tamara, Pathery, Skunky Nuts, Just Chris Please, David, Mike, Michael, Marcus, Joel, Brendan, The Brian D, Andrew, and Dean. Forrest, Tamara, Pathery, Skunky Nuts, and Just Chris Please, whose wit gives Sonic the Hedgehog quickness envy, David, Mike, Michael, Marcus, and Joel, whose ejaculations are factored into the local Tide charts, and Brendan, The Brian D, Andrew, and Dean,

whose IQs are so high, Felix Baumgartner tried to parachute off of them. Together, these 14 ferocious freethinkers fought the fuckery of foundationless faith by forking over a few fragments of folding money. Not everybody has spare folding money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an

extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a money kind of way, you can also help a ton by following at PIAtPod on Twitter, liking our Facebook page, and telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P.A. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAdias.com. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you can find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. It'd be awesome if ZipRecruiter, we just did the same theme for the ZipRecruiter ad. We just had Heath also microwaving a banana to fuck in this one. And just for no reason, you know, just let the ZipRecruiter intern figure it out. They use the must reads. I don't. I'm not sure.

I'm pretty sure somebody was fucking a banana peel, but I don't know for sure. I don't know. And then they just went straight to the must reads. So technically they did it. I don't know. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.