The Scathing Atheist - 422: Demon Baby Edition

Episode Date: March 18, 2021

In this week’s episode, the good Pope is still a bad person, Matt Powell debunks the farting wing of evolution theory without debunking his beds, and Christians will have inadequate penises. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Speed Cube Review here: https://www.speedcubereview.com/ --- Headlines: Pope says Catholic Church can't bless same sex unions: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/15/the-catholic-church-wants-to-remind-you-that-god-thinks-gay-marriages-are-gross/ Pat Robertson: A Baby May Be Demon-Possessed as Part of a “Generational Curse”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/10/pat-robertson-a-baby-may-be-demon-possessed-as-part-of-a-generational-curse/ Matt Powell Claims That Evolution Says Dinosaurs Farted Themselves Into Extinction: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/15/lying-creationist-evolution-says-dinosaurs-farted-themselves-into-extinction/ This Christian Preacher Insists That Dinosaurs in the Bible Are Actually Satan: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/14/this-christian-preacher-insists-that-dinosaurs-in-the-bible-are-actually-satan/ Study shows correlation between evangelical Christianity and wishing you dick was bigger: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/12/study-finds-link-between-evangelicals-and-google-searches-for-a-bigger-penis/

Warning, the following podcast contains words that would make Winnie the Pooh faint. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Adam and Eve, Stamps.com, and by Noah talking Eli out of saying butt stuff in every commercial. Noah talking Eli out of shit, the primary reason we still have an income. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey, Sean here from SpeedCubeReview.com. I can solve a Rubik's Cube in under 10 seconds thanks to these opposable thumbs, which is evidence that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's March 18th. And we'll acknowledge the fuck out of your gay marriage. Absolutely. Unless you don't have an open bar. That's gross. We need an open bar. Abomination. I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Aaron Burrs, New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State, and Redtown Blue State, this is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the good pope is still a shitty person. Matt Powell debunks the farting wing of evolution theory, but he does not debunk his beds. Christians will have inadequate penises. But first,

the diatribe. It's so weird how there are no calls to stop and frisk young white Christian men today. So weird how we're all withholding judgment and assessing all the various possible motivations in a way that we just don't when somebody from any other religious demographic kills people. And despite the overwhelming number of terrorist attacks and mass murders in this country coming from young, white, conservative Christian men, nobody's calling on the churches and Christian organizations to take responsibility. Of course, look, I'm hesitant to talk about any of this because we're recording early on Wednesday, so we're very much still in the media holding pattern. And by the time you hear this, you'll probably know a lot more than I do now. But what we know right now is that a 21-year-old very Christian man from North Georgia was arrested after a murder spree in the Atlanta area left eight people dead.

Now, six of the eight victims were Asian women. And so the initial media assumption largely revolved around a racist motivation. And that makes a lot of sense right like hate crimes against asian americans are skyrocketing ever since then president racist make racist face decided to stoke the flames of hate with every passing opportunity but when it comes to men mass murdering women i feel like the default assumption probably should be sexism you look i don't mean to downplay the severity of the racism that asian americans are dealing with right now or the clear racial motivations in this crime given the demographics of the area it is impossible that he wasn't specifically targeting asian people but i find it distressingly easy to believe that

the killer didn't consider it racially motivated after all everybody who says i'm not racist but actually believes that half of the sentence, or at least most of them do. That being said, there's been a long string now of young white guys killing women. And thus far, their primary motivation has consistently been because those men were mad at their dicks. And at least so far, that seems to be the case here. Again, very early media reports to work off of, but it's looking an awful lot like a hyper-Christian loser that couldn't get laid without paying for it,

getting really angry at all the harlots that tempted him away from the pure light of Jesus. The term sex addiction is getting thrown around a lot in the media. That's not a thing, by the way. I'm no psychologist, but it's not in the DSM-5. The majority of psychologists reject it. And our long history of trying to classify sexual behavior that falls outside of the puritanical

American norm as mental illness has been wrong a hell of a lot more often than right. It's a bullshit concept crafted by prudes to demean sexual freedom and perpetuated by politicians who want to make extramarital affairs sound like something they can overcome with their gumption.

At its best, it's a pathway to sexual anxiety and repression. At its worst, it's the motive for a murder spree. But it's also the inevitable result of Christianity's effort to control and repress people's sexual urges. If you're told from before puberty that you shouldn't touch yourself and you shouldn't watch other people touch themselves and you shouldn't want to touch yourself every time you think about watching other people touch themselves, post-pubescent you is left with two options. Either you can jettison the bullshit belief structure that told you a natural healthy sex drive was sinful, or you can live your life feeling that you're broken and

unworthy of God's love. And of course, the hope of the church is that you land on that second choice keep in mind this is not a byproduct of some other goal this is not a side effect this is the reason they promote this repressive puritanical bullshit the whole purpose is to reinforce this fiction that you're born with the lingering stench of sin and no matter matter how moral your choices, no matter how ethical your actions, you are a den of transgressions and shortcomings and you always will be. You are broken and only Jesus can fix you. And to achieve that, they use the same method as any totalitarian government. You just take something that everybody's doing and you declare it illegal it's the same way that america uses drug laws until white people start doing that particular drug ideally you take stuff that people couldn't stop doing even if they

wanted to you create an impossible minimum expectation and then you load a motherfucker up with guilt every time they fall short of it hell in this case they even add an omniscient being that can see every transgression, even if you don't get caught. Hell, even the ones you don't make, right? Because with Christianity, even temptation to sin is enough to trigger the guilt. Where a sane person would see overcoming that temptation towards an indecent act as a sign of moral fortitude, Christianity still defines that as a failing. Even wanting to sin is a sin. Now, I guarantee you that we're going to spend the next week or two here in pundits retreat

to their partisan corners to blame their villain du jour. And some of that's going to be legitimate. Much of it's not going to be. But virtually nobody will talk about the elephant in the fucking room. Virtually none of them are going to talk about the sexual repression that sits at the very heart of fundamentalist philosophy, which is weird because they'd sure as hell do that if the shooter's dad wasn't a mom they're talking about your jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the heath and eli to my

noah heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you just plain ready and that's the end of the show sorry we had a good run guys we had a good run as long as i had new triplets Are you just plain ready? And that's the end of the show. Podcast Retired. Sorry. We had a good run, guys. We had a good run. As long as I had new triplets. It was all a dream inside Jerry Falwell's snow globe, everybody. I want to wake up next to Florence Henderson or whoever that was.

In our lead story tonight, the Catholic Church did something horribly evil that is way less problematic than normal. So, thank you? That's a win for them, I guess. Rather than sexual abuse, it's only bigotry. So that's cool. They were asked about whether a priest can bless a

same-sex union. Apparently there was some confusion about their stance on that. So they offered some official guidance, again, more a same-sex union. Apparently, there was some confusion about their stance on that. So, they offered some official guidance, again, more, regarding exactly

how much bigotry should apply to their magic spells going forward. And the answer is, still all of it. Still doing the whole amount of bigotry.

According to the Vatican, they will not allow same-sex marriages to get a blessing. Yeah, and look, I said it on Facebook, but I'll say it again. They don't have the authority to tell anybody whether or not same-sex marriage is moral.

So all they're telling us is whether or not they are moral. And we already knew. Yep. Hey, everybody, it's me, the Catholic Church. Just thought I'd take a little break from my decades-long pedophilia scandal and telling people not to get a life-saving vaccine to act as a moral authority. You ready? Don't-a-fucker dudes.

Okay, back to pedophilia. Yeah, right. Cool. Glad we clarified. That was important. That's their march. So this official ruling comes from the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith. Doctrine of Faith.

You might remember them from doing the Inquisition. Yep, that was seems like it might eliminate that department from the corporate structure at this point you figure management's gonna find you know a few redundancies after your team does a fucking genocide but no still a thing and according to them according to the inquisitor team quote it is not licit to impart a blessing on relationships or partnerships, even stable,

that involve sexual activity outside of marriage, i.e. outside the indissoluble union of a man and a woman open to the transmission of life. The presence in such relationships of positive elements, which are in themselves

to be valued and appreciated. So, yeah, that was nice of them to add. nice of them yeah right no i threw a little bone there yeah the presence of positive elements cannot justify these relationships since the positive elements exist within the context of a union not ordered to the creator's plan and quote statement from the inquisitors like success for liberal catholics at this point is forcing the bigotry to be more verbose. Yeah, so all that sounds pretty bad. But they did explain how technically all those abominational people, in their opinion, they get blessed a la carte, technically. They just can't have their union of sin get blessed as part of like a package deal.

Here's the concession statement that followed what we just heard. Just a reminder, the last thing we heard was basically, fuck you, your love is a glitch in God's matrix. Continuing from there, quote, at the same time,

the church recalls that God himself never ceases to bless each of his pilgrim children in this world because we are more important to God than all of the sins that we commit. But he does not and cannot bless sin. He blesses sinful man so that sinners can recognize that they're part of his plan of love and allow themselves to be changed. God takes us as we are, changed god takes us as we are but never leaves us as we are and quote that they're really proud of the little stupid parallel structure thing yeah jesus fucking in other words it's okay to bless gay people because eventually maybe they'll stop being that yeah literally yes god loves you so much he ignores the disgusting revolting abomination that

is the way you love oh god we nailed it we nailed it we did such a good job concession statement great thank you softened it and just for the record about 73 percent of catholic people disagree with the church's horrible bigotry on this topic yeah which means about 73 percent of catholic people disagree with the church's horrible bigotry on this topic yeah which means about 73 percent of catholics should stop yeah should stop being that yeah plus a bunch of other catholics who support hating gay people but maybe they're against um i don't know kid fucking yeah the raping bottom line the vatican will not allow catholic people in same-sex marriages or unions to get blessed by a guy in a silly hat who hates them, despite all the demand that somehow exists for that.

Stop being Catholic. How do we be more clear on this? Do you want crackers? I'll give you crackers. Are you in it for the crackers? And in demon baby news, televangelist, Christian, and melting bobblehead of jimmy carter pat robertson was asked on his program the 700 club this week whether babies could be possessed

and his answer was not no it was not no his answer was well it started with ow i'm being attacked in the face by a giant lemon why is this always happening to me this is what i always look like also yes demon babies are real that was his answer basically jesus way sorry pat i had to ask he's vomiting all the time babbles incoherently tries to eat things off the floor classic demonic possession right exactly checks all the boxes so here's the story viewer lisa called into the show and asked quote my question is regarding demonic possession already no nope skip can babies be possessed oh god no and if so there's a fucking follow-up no just no yes it going to stop you. If so. The else is not important. Does the age of accountability come into play for salvation?

What? End of real question. If my, if an eight-year-old is a literal demon, that's his fault, right? Asking for a demon friend, not mine. Are you sure you're not trying to reach the Catholic church, lady? But Robertson's answer is somehow crazier than the question he responded quote i just believe if that child is born to a family of devil worshipers there's a real possibility that the devil will think that he has a claim over that child j Jesus Christ. I mean, it's horrible to contemplate, but I don't think that they're protected

in some fashion from what's, I mean, a generational curse, end quote. Wow, so fucking stupid. Okay, but here's the real question. What if the demon is under the age of accountability? Like, stop wasting Pat Robertson's time and ask the important question. The hard questions.

Yeah, so, a couple things to point out about this first of all and i think we all already know this it's homicidally dangerous yeah right people don't ask if a baby is possessed because they're gonna refuse its invitation to brunch they ask because they're going to attempt to exercise that baby and believe me when i say we see a lot of stories about babies who die that way yeah just don't report on them yeah because it'd be really fucking depressing look look this caller has a particular baby in mind yep right like any any answer short of reporting that person to the fbi is homicidally dangerous even absolutely not fall short. Right. Negligent. Secondly, the reason that people think that children are possessed overwhelmingly is because

of medical or developmental problems. Yes. And now, thanks to Pat Robertson, even if this lady doesn't have an exorcism plant, she does. There is one less person in this baby's life who's going to get it the help it's need. And dang, doesn't it just tell you everything you need to know about Pat Robertson when you find yourself saying,

oh God, I hope this advice gets ignored. I hope this advice gets ignored. No shit. God, I'd say he should go fuck himself. That's an insult to fucking oneself. And for more on that subject, I want to take a break from our first sponsor this week, Adam and Eve.

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to your own butt. I don't think that's their catchphrase. Well, it should be. It really should be. And in indentured monkey surf news, creationist hype man and live action Ness from Earthbound, Matt Powell.

Wow! That's so... Oh my God. Video last week. Tell me he doesn't have a yo-yo at all times. No, it's fantastic. There's no way he doesn't have a yo-yo at all times. It's fantastic. That's one of those perma names that we just have to stick with.

We're not topping that. Yeah. So he made another video last week because that is his job. We are his boss. And making ignorant videos about evolution is the entire job description. And we're such generous employers that we let him keep all the money he makes

from Google AdSense when his YouTube videos get literally dozens of views. Scores even. This one is up to 1,500 or so, actually. So he's really getting close to buying that race car bunk bed on his wish list to replace his non-race car bunk bed he has as an adult so the latest installment it's all about how dinosaurs farted themselves into extinction wow matt you're so close to convincing

me to give up my atheism with this argument. If only there were some kind of video of someone withstanding an enormous amount of fart in an enclosed space to prove how fatal it is and why I'd probably love Jesus right then and there. So here's how we get there. In 2012, there was a paper in the journal called Current Biology, and it explained how farting and burping by dinosaurs was a source of greenhouse gas, which might explain some amount of the rise in atmospheric temperature at the time. Interesting. To be clear, the time isn't like that day. Right. The time is about 130 million years during which titanic sauropods were alive. And the paper mentioned

absolutely nothing about extinction. It just said, maybe a bit warmer. That's it. But the climate alarmists at Fox News got a hold of the story and wrote headlines like, dinosaurs gassed themselves into extinction. And then

nine years later, Matt Powell found one of those headlines and he really, really wanted that new race car bed. So he made a video. Okay. Okay. Nobody tell him that you can't actually drive the race car bunk beds. I want him to find out the hard way. Okay. Okay. I do kind of wish that was how farting worked though, because I eat a very fibrous diet and I could save a ton on my heating bill. I could really... That is how farting works. So here's the commentary from Matt Powell.

He starts by explaining the headline he saw at Fox News, and he can barely get through a sentence because he has to say fart and gas out loud and he's a child. He almost breaks down giggling multiple times and then he finally tells us quote evolution actually teaches that certain dinosaurs farted themselves into

extinction in schools across america kids are learning this in colleges and universities yep those are schools those are the names of schools and they're being taught this theory every single day no side note you're probably wondering how does the holocaust tie in great question he continues hitler said if you tell a lie big enough loud enough and often enough people will believe it and people laugh at you for not believing in evolution and they mock you and say that you're too superstitious to believe in the facts but they're the superstitious ones they are because anybody who believes that dinosaurs farted themselves into non-existence is putting trust in primitive superstition end quote yeah no i will admit man most those fucking biology classes at fox news

university are pretty weird. Yeah. That's a good reminder. Fox News was his source for science on this. Yep. So, just to review, here's the string of events. Sum it up for us. Yeah. Biology paper. Greenhouse gas can warm stuff. Nobody.

Dinosaur farting apocalypse. Fox News. Dinosaur farting apocalypse. Fox News. Dinosaur farting apocalypse. Matt Powell, nine years later. Dinosaur farting apocalypse. Evolution is a hoax. I want to race Carbunctin really bad. And in Devil in the Details news, you know, one of the questions we get quite a bit here at The Scathing Atheist is, what is your response to x creationist argument or how would you reply to why apologetic and while the answer to both those questions is actually a tense dependent combination of fuck and you this week we got in a reminder that even that is working

too hard because the other side is coming at us with stuff like dinosaurs are the devil. Yep. That's right. According to the Bible, Satan, the prince of darkness, farted himself into extinction. Yes, he did. That's real. Yeah. So this week's nugget comes to us from show favorite pastor Gene Kim. Is he a show favorite?

Oh, do you not love Gene Kim with your heart? I do now. It wasn't established yet for me well regular listeners might know why we love him for his theory that the earth is hollow and filled with hell like a cream egg okay that is not fair to hell eli pastor kim thinks that earth is filled with fire and eternal torture and that is significantly more pleasant than the diabetic bunny sperm that they put in cream eggs yep Yup, withdrawn. Withdrawn. And it can't be hollow

if it's filled with the fire and the cream. That's right. So, I highly recommend watching Pastor Kim's entire video because, one, it's only nine minutes, and two, it is a delight. It's pretty great. But, the

argument basically breaks down to when the Bible talks about Leviathan and Behemoth, it's not talking about how dinosaurs and men live together. That's ridiculous. It's talking about Satan. Because every time Leviathan and Behemoth are mentioned, the Bible also

says that God is going to kill it with a sword. And who is God going to kill with a sword? I don't know. That's right. Satan. Oh, okay. Okay. First of all, the Leviathan in the Bible was a kraken, literally a kraken. And it represents all the heathens of the world besides the Jewish people or the Christian people.

So the Bible is saying that God's going to carry out a genocide with a giant robot like Pacific Rim. That's in the Bible. That's the story. You're not talking me down from that. I know what happened. Also, the behemoth is a hippo. It is a hippo. It's a hippo. So according to Pastor Kim, Satan, again, Satan, the prince of darkness who wants to corrupt all the people on earth, turned himself into a hippo on the River Jordan and just sat there being like, nailed it. Okay, but actually, the more you know about hippos, the more sense that makes it. If Satan was going to come as a mammal. Give me the body of Eli Bosnick.

And now we wait. So, again, I cannot recommend watching this video enough. Pastor Kim delivers a sermon to himself at a whiteboard, like a French Duchess being surprised by the fillings of a box of chocolates. He's delighted. He's drawing lines between the word dinosaur and Satan at multiple angles. It's just fun to watch him have fun. Yeah.

There's a bunch of edits of him drawing lines. Yes. Right. Right. Exactly. Didn't get it right. He was like, cut, cut. I tried to draw a line and hurt myself again.

That was a rhombus. God damn it. And finally tonight, an evangelicals have tiny little wieners nose. This is impossible. Right on the nose. That's the headline. You guys both somehow passed this one up.

According to a paper published in the Journal of the Scientific Study of Religion, there is a strong correlation between the number of evangelicals in your state and the number of people googling derivatives of how do I make my penis bigger is a real fact

in the universe. Science is a journal of scientific knowledge. Researchers Samuel L. Perry and Andrew L. Whitehood, thank you guys, tease the data out of Google Trends by comparing the number of evangelicals per thousand in each state with the popularity of search terms like male enhancement,

male enhancement pills, and penis pump. Because apparently they somehow got the impression that we were running out of material for the show. Also, it's probably more than we think, that correlation. I'm guessing the study didn't look for every search. It didn't look for big penis prayer, intercessory big dick, and incel support group, stuff like that.

They didn't check everything. Now, you're probably tempted, as I was, to write this off as a byproduct of education. The less educated you are, the more likely you are to both be Christian and to think that some herbal supplement can grow your dick because giving Christians the benefit of the doubt and pointing out how much

dumber they are than us is often the same thing. Green tea really does do that. But this research takes that into account. Even when you account for education, political preference, marital status, and race, the numbers still hold. Okay, but the cross-religious penis pump focus group is a weird room. That's a weird vibe. Rabbi, pastor. Now, of course, there's no indication that Christians with dicks actually have smaller dicks than dick-wielding atheists.

So what do these data show? Well, the suggestion of the researchers themselves is that it's a result of the toxic masculinity inherent in the evangelical culture. Solid theory. Right. When a man is defined by his manliness and any deviation from traditionally masculine roles is seen as a personal flaw, it stands to reason that more and more people would be inclined to define themselves by the size of their dick. In the researcher's own words, quote, a higher prevalence of search for male enhancement

terms mean men in that region not only feel that having a larger penis is important, but that their penis does not measure up. This is perhaps the very archetype of masculine insecurity, end quote. Yeah. So moral of the story should be on Google Maps looking for clitoris near me. Now, obviously, there are weaknesses to this study as the researchers point out we don't know if men or women are the ones googling this shit we can only account for cross correlations to a limited degree we can't parse the data any further than the state level but it's not hard to imagine that the increasing focus of evangelicals of traditional patriarchal values is leaving more and more of

them feeling physically inadequate and when the most generous possible interpretation is, it's not that your dick is smaller than mine. It's that you think your dick is smaller than mine. It's still pretty good ammunition for atheists. That makes me happy. Yeah. Right. And with a smile on your face,

I guess we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll be that much closer to the outro music. All right.

So if I make this shot, the score is tied 32, 32, and we go into the tiebreaker round. Triple elimination. Triple elim. Hey guys, have you seen that?

What are you doing in here? Oh, Hey, no, I got to send out this package, but I didn't want the hassle of going to the post office. So Heath and I are having an octagonal series of events to decide who has to go.

And score is tied. Come on. Guys, if you want to skip the hassle of the post office, why not just use Stamps.com? What's Stamps.com? Seriously? You were fixing the scoreboard. Stamps.com brings the services of the U.S. Postal Service and

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any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. Once your mail's ready, just schedule it to pick up and drop off. It's that simple. Wow, that does sound easy. But Eli and I spent a lot of money on these lawn darts.

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Sock and boppers kumite. I see. I'm going to fill mine with rocks. No. One of our saving graces here at Scathing Atheist is that people can only get so pissed about charity work, which is why our wonderful listeners have been willing to wait for two goddamn years as we steadily chip away at our 2019 Vulgarity for Charity insults. So you're in the third.

You're in the third, yeah. Well, it's in the second year. But yeah, at least some of you need wait no longer since we've got several more to knock out tonight. First one is for you, Eli. Jonathan would like you to roast Irish politician Danny Healy Ray. Oh, we are recording this on St. Patrick's Day, and how fitting. Someone has brought my yoity-dee-toity-dee-toe voice to life

as a practical joke. That's you. And had it defend, let me check here, drinking and driving on the national stage. Yes, Danny me check here, drinking and driving on the national stage. Yes, Danny Haley Ray defended drinking and driving in his role as a politician. This man is the avatar of interrupting a good time with your friends at the dive bar in Heath and I's hometown so that he can struggle through May the Road Rise Up to meet you. In the desperate hope that you'll invite him to sit down.

But you won't because he smells like urine and his pockets are full of bar peanuts. I mean, I like the peanuts part. All right, one for you here, Noah. Aaron would like a roast of Al Jackson. Yeah, look, at first I thought this would be hard because the opening line of the description is, well, this is this guy that started

such and such a homeless shelter, but it went downhill so goddamn quick he's a super christian asshole who uses his charity to proselytize to a captive audience he tells his employees to pray about it when they say shit like you know is this osha compliant he starts every speech by thanking his personal lord and savior jesus christ and in case i liked him too much he uses words like onlyest what yeah and for that fuck you yeah and for that last one alone i hope your obituary ends with the words from the inside out and heath jacob would like you to roast the girl who went viral for rapping about being a MAGA kid. So I tried to follow the link that Jacob sent, but the video got taken down,

presumably for failing to meet YouTube's talent requirements. Very high bar. But I looked up MAGA kid rapper. I found a bunch of other ones, and I learned two things. First of all, Republicans are breeding without a license and it's crazy we're spiraling out of control we need to stop that also i learned that the geneva

conventions apparently don't apply to kids there's like an age thing because those are rhymes against humanity it's the worst thing i've ever seen they hurt themselves on rhythm. It's so bad. Oh, it's like fucking trying to read these Dr. Seussian poems that conservatives keep putting up in defense of racist pictures. Yeah. What's your meter there? A through Z?

You can't just keep, that's nothing. That's not, there's no meter if you do that. That's just letters. They're all different. All right, Noah, you're up next. Spencer would like you to roast their friend Landon. Yeah, Landon looks like a Chili's waiter who's been way too aggressive about upselling the appetizer.

And according to Spencer, Landon is neither religious nor atheist. Nope. Which makes him either a plasma or a gas, I think. And his girlfriend looks like she's never met a board game night that she didn't make sexually awkward. Okay. Another one for you, Heath. Florian would like a roast of

German politician Marcus Soder, the president of Bavaria. Okay. At first, I genuinely thought Florian was joking and sent us a Bond villain. Yes! Russ, this guy, he's a real person. He's a German politician. No, he is, though.

And we got a photo of Soder holding a cross, and he's very clearly figuring out something with a slow-moving laser and a crucifix. There's no chance that's not what he's doing in that moment. So, Marcus Soder, bring it in. Obviously, you didn't get

the memo about this. If you have an umlaut in your name, you're not allowed to ask for a space program that has your face in the logo. You're not for Bavaria. Which is literally what you did. He wanted the Bavarian Space Squad. Bavarian SS.

And now we have to send a British guy with herpes to murder you. There's no other choice. He's the exact kind of person that you expect when you find out he's the president of a political party that has its religion in the name. And Eli, James would like you to roast players who ruined D&D by trying to win it and having their characters act like murder hobos. D&D murder hobos, because who doesn't want to get together with their three or four most socially awkward friends and have phone sex in front of everybody? find it highly unlikely that a town would have guards and a police force while they're trying to murder a shopkeep for weapons they

can't use and gold they can't spend because it's imaginary. And in doing so, they manage the impossible. They manage to lose Dungeons and Dragons, not just for them, but for the Dungeons and Dragons themselves.

Alright, Heath, I got another one for you. Frank wants you to insult dog cancer. Great. This is fun. This is fun. Thanks, Frank. Yeah. So dog cancer, I mean, it does win every argument about religion in two words.

Yeah, that's true. That's great. Still not worth it, though. Lots of people use baby cancer instead of dog cancer in those arguments, but so many babies are shitty and nobody wants to admit it. They're bad babies, but dog cancer wins every time. William Lane Craig's entire career should be giant, long speeches followed by, yeah, but dog cancer again. Dog cancer, I win. The only thing funny

about dog cancer is jingly chemo. Oh, Jesus Christ. You really have to nail the timing of that. Yeah, you gotta get it. Like right now, just now. Alright, Eli, I got a tricky one for you as well. Alex would like a roast

of his twin brother, Alan. Yeah, I love this. This is actually the result of a roast-off. So Alan gave money for us to insult Alex, and Alex is paying back in kind, so that's good stuff. And that's especially appropriate because Alan looks like Little Orphan Annie's Faces of Meth

poster. So does Alex, apparently. He looks like the last pirate to believe Big Lemon and not Tide of Scurvy. He has in this picture his arm around the naked torso of the drummer from King Buffalo. And the drummer from King Buffalo looks terrified to say anything wrong about Carrot Top's oeuvre of work. There are proof of life photos with less terror in the eyes of the subjects. All right.

Now, let me return the favor here. Brian would like a roast of his CEO, Tim. All right. So first of all, this motherfucker looks like the Mormon. The other Mormons have to ditch before they can say darn it and hold their thumbs over the bikinis and beach photos. Okay. But he's a Baptist. and beach photos, okay?

But he's a Baptist. And we know that because despite the fact that the hospital he's in charge of is ostensibly secular, they still read explicitly Christian prayers of the goddamn intercom and respond to atheist complaints

by reading the Christian apologetics bullshit flowchart. Dog cancer. Right. I should probably talk about that. But when you just look like the Agent Smith they'd have inserted into the Matrix if it was an accounting program i kind of have to focus on that all right so now

that we're all good and limber it's time for another spikening round the category here is friends and i think we can all agree that nothing brings friends closer like the deep dark secrets they hide together so for this spikening round i want you to tell me what your roastie is hiding. We're going to start with you, Eli. George would like to know what Tetchy Bugger is hiding. Oh, I love Tetchy Bugger. But it is obvious from the hat that he is wearing in this picture that he is hiding a collection of philosophy books with furry porn inside them.

I know a fellow fluff when I see one, Tetchy. You're not fooling anybody. I've never seen the face of a man more disappointed not to have a tail at any given moment. You look like the Uber driver who eventually has to give Danny Haley Ray a ride home. All right. And Heath, what is Eric's buddy Steve hiding? Well, he looks like Josh Feuerstein's Funko Pop. So definitely not hiding that.

That's clear. And that includes the backwards fitted baseball cap that's about to burst into fucking flames from the force of compressing his upper head into that tiny space. So I guess he is hiding a Charles Law experiment,

first of all, and a forehead that looks like my inner thighs after running for a train in London. Just raw. Okay, Noah, one for you here. What is Paul's friend Raphael hiding? An unrequited sexual attraction to Paul. Okay, this is friend in the loosest possible sense of term, but literally everything in Paul's message

was consistent with Catholic friend who isn't allowed to want to fuck a dude being mad at you for being a dude he wants to fuck. And he's Catholic also. So he's probably hiding child rapists, too. Just like just demographically. Stop that. Generally. All right. So let's keep digging.

Heath, tell us what Michael's friend Dave is hiding. OK, so we got a picture of Dave at a barbecue. This is my favorite picture we've ever gotten. He's so very clearly hiding the fact that he really has to shit. He's holding it in, but he started holding a little bit too late

and now he cannot move for the rest of that barbecue. That is what I'm looking at. 100%. I call that move the Bosnic. Yeah. And Noah, I got one for you here. Tell us what David's friend Kyle is hiding. Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not sure what he's hiding,

but from the look of the face on this picture, I can tell you where he's hiding it. Incidentally, it's the same place where he gets all this information about nutrition. Eli, let's have you close out the spikening round with a roast for whatever Cullen's friend Nick is hiding. Ah, yes, Nick. Nick

is hiding the boat he built while he was drunk at the bottom of the first body of water he tries to float it on. Guaranteed. Nick, buddy, he sent me a picture. It's a box. I know, I know, you painted it gray but baby moses and ken ham

are giving that shit the side eye buddy do not try to float it do not leave it on your lawn all right excellent spightning round although that warning may have come a little too late this next one is for me mark would like a roast of mormon leader russell m nelson and i'm pretty sure i've insulted this motherfucker before but will you make your living presiding over a literal gilded lie that uses its ill-begotten power to dehumanize lgbtq people and drive young men to suicide for masturbating i'm okay double dipping so russell m nelson president of the church of the latter mormon of mormon mormon mormons you look like mr smithers Fuck the Naked Mole Rat. All right, Eli,

Jim would like you to roast Pennsylvania State Representative Frank Ferry. Yeah, Frank. Oh, you managed to be an almost good politician for Pennsylvania, which is fitting

because he has the not-quite-Philadelphia standard of faces. He looks like the face on a knockoff brand of hair dye. If there were a used car salesman salesman, he would look like Frank Ferry. All right, excellent. And Heath, April wants a good roasting for her ex-boyfriend, Gerald.

Okay, so imagine the headline, Michigan cocaine dealer arrested outside of underage dance club. You are picturing Gerald. You are picturing exactly Gerald, and you're picturing a real headline about Gerald for real. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. We did it. All right, Eli, Mark, this one's going to upset me.

Mark would like you to roast ASMR. Thank you, Mark, for this chance at last to address the weird fuck stuff that somehow made it into the world for all of us to see. I don't know how you perverts managed it, but you need to take your sexual shame and put it back in private immediately. There are YouTube channels just openly tickling the ears and spines of weirdos everywhere without shame. How did this happen? We didn't as a society just decide crushing porn was kid friendly or start casually talking about our latex fetish. You deviants, you destroyers of

society. You could just pull up to any coffee shop you find filled with god-fearing americans filled with children and get your disgusting oral rocks off for all to see you should be tarred and feathered driven before us with rocks and sticks also i don't get it and i'm jealous i don't understand it should be big it's supposed to be nice it is all. Alright, Noah, got one for you here, Eli's a bigot. One more time, just want to repeat that. Julie would like a roast of her dogs or of herself. Okay, but before I get to that, you know what they used to call ASMR? They used to call it a braingasm, Eli. That's how good it feels.

They did? Braingasm, yeah. You guys can't. Anyway, so Julie wants a roast of her dogs or herself. And normally this would be a no-brainer, right? I'd roast Julie, but Julie wants to roast her dogs or herself. And normally this would be a no brainer, right? I'd roast Julie. But Julie is a middle aged retro gaming animal lover from Michigan, loves 80s movies, sci-fi and comic books. And I'm not ready to look that deep into the fucking mirror.

So fuck Sonny and Delilah. Delilah is a dots and Chihuahua mix, which is the fucking black jelly bean of dogs to begin with. Chihuahua mix, which is the fucking black jelly bean of dogs to begin with. And when Julie was describing Sonny's attributes, she puts love to roll around in turkey shit and dead fish right next to loves to cuddle. So he's dusted off the obscure

tabs on Pornhub, apparently. There's an ASMR for that, too. Yeah, right. Speaking of dusting off the obscure tabs on Pornhub, this next one's for you, Heath. Stephen would like you to roast German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Okay, so, Heath. Stephen would like you to roast German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Okay, so, yeah. Stephen asked for a roast about

Merkel's immigration policy. And considering the fact that Germany has more refugees than any other country in Europe, kind of wondering if Stephen wants his face on the logo for the Bavarian space. Germany actually has more political refugees than any other country

in the world. That's the majority of white people. I mean, so... Yeah. Not the highest bar, but still, it's something. All that being said, back in 2010, Merkel basically said that immigrants need to become more Aryan and more Christian.

Really said something like that. Which doesn't play well when you look like you're guarding the bridge to Germany with your Nazi riddles three. Maybe I'll look for a different stance.

Better you than me, Heath. Better you than me. I think she has looked for a different stance more recently. Yeah. Fucking horse stance, maybe. It's real hard

for Americans to look down on Angela Merkel is what we're saying. Because she'll hip throw us. Well, that's that. All right. I got another one for you. Noah Anthony would like you to roast his buddy's ex, Emily.

Okay. Her face looks like the fucking Mercator projection. It's like a three dimensional face being being represented on a two-dimensional plane while trying to maintain all the proper distances and shit. And also, she has the ability to accidentally cheat on her husband, which I get. The other day, I meant to pick up AA batteries, and I accidentally fucked the lady.

It's like that. It's like that. I get it. I get it. Okay. Heath, Mickey would like that. It's like that. I get it. I get it. Okay. Mickey would like a roast of their Uncle Mark. Yeah.

Okay. So, according to Mickey, despite attending a university in, quote, Fuckville, Texas, Uncle Mark is still the shittiest person

Mickey's ever met. Now, granted, Fuckville sounds way better than most of Texas. Sounds like an interesting plan. Oh, we like to fuck. That better than most of Texas. Sounds like an interesting plan. Oh, we like to fuck. That's what we're called.

Sounds interesting. But, you know, still not great. Not great. And Uncle Mark is an anti-choice Catholic deacon who is skeptical about the Me Too movement because, quote, women are all telling the same story. What? But that story is sexual assault. Yeah. You know, tends to have some recurring themes.

But it's confusing, Uncle Mark. I get it. You know, what are the odds? All these robberies involve theft. It's like, what are the fucking odds? And also, I get it. You know, it's hard to form thoughts when you're constantly worrying about achieving the perfect visual sweet spot between Jeff Foxworthy and Luigi from Nintendo.

That's a lot to think about. You're constantly calibrating. It's hard. You've got to hit it right in the middle and you look beautiful. I'm smarter than a third grader. Alright, so Eli, Alex would like you to roast Leg of Lamb. Yeah! Now, at first

I was like, that's a weird roast, but it is a weird dish if you think about it for a second, right? First of all, unless your dinner entertainment is a jester, you probably live in a time and place too modern to be eating that dish. But more importantly, it's a weird fucking name, right? Meat eating aside, let's get some of your weird carnivore code going on here right yeah right steak chop something leg of land care for arm of bunny how about smile of puppy this comes with potato dicks and cucumber dreams i don't think you're having the effect on me that you were intending yeah smile a puppy sounds delicious. All right, so let's close things up with some roasts for our heavy hitters.

These folks chipped in the big bucks, and damn it if that doesn't make them special. Let's start with Michael's boss, Nick. Oh, we got a shot of Nick at the bar here, and he is without question about to snap in the bartender's face or hold up a $5 bill to try to get his attention. Yes, he absolutely is

probably both of those things at the same time and uh i'm taking that five dollar bill and walking back to the kitchen right away that's what's happening if i'm bartending yeah man yep leg day cool cool it is leg day for you i'll definitely be right back i'm totally coming to help you with your fucking jaeger bombs yeah he if cuts, clothings, ad copy was a guy. All right. So, so next up we need a roast for Derek's friend, Brad.

Oh, okay. So what's worst about Derek is that he's a Patreon donation. Moocher. Yeah, that's right, Brad. We heard about you trying to mooch off Derek's commercial free extended

version of the show. You are stealing food out of my baby's mouth, Brad. Stealing it. Why don't you just come over to my house and punch my baby in the face while you're at it, you unrepentant murderer. Escalating. Also, you look like the Keebler elf dropped out of the band, like Randy Best.

I just want to throw that out there. Wait, Pete Best? The Beatles guy? Yeah, Pete Best, not Randy Best. Who's Randy Best? Nobody. Alright. Yeah, he looks like the kind of guy, too, that you want, Pete Best, not Randy Best. Who's Randy Best? Nobody. All right. Yeah, he looks like the kind of guy, too, that you want to clarify the why don't you punch my baby thing was rhetorical with, right?

Also, but great beard, by the way, dude. I totally did not notice your receding hairline. It's doing its job. Yeah. I didn't even notice, Brad. All right, here's an easy one. Dan would like us to roast the Pennsylvania State Legislature. Okay.

But before we do the roast, I'd like to start with an invocation, if you guys don't mind. But, oh, you know what? Actually, that's illegal in Pennsylvania because I believe in less than one God. And they spent like $1.2 million trying to make that officially a law.

So I guess we could just go ahead and talk about fixing roads with damage from metal square carriage wheels in lancaster county hopefully you'll have plenty of money after you spent that 1.2 million preventing me from doing an indication god why is it that everything that follows pennsylvania state legislature in the headlines sounds like an item from an unenthusiastic leg of Doom brainstorming session. It's like where all the bad guys from boring political thrillers go to die. Tom Clancy's trash can, the political pot. Yeah, exactly. Okay, but I will say this about the Pennsylvania state legislature.

It is perhaps compensated by their coat of arms, which literally an old-timey plow a boat some wheat and two horses who look fucking horrified that this is their coat of arms they look like they just got their coat of arms back from fiverr and these horses are not happy they're like we need a refund right now all right so next up nicholas wants a roast of his two daughters see now this this one is a challenge because nicholas's daughters are adorable perfect looking blonde headed norwegians except they are very clearly about to throw whoever is taking this picture off the cliff side the photo is being taken and so they're murderers my roast for these children is that they're murderers who murder. And Nicholas, just in case

you were their victim and you're in heaven now listening to this podcast, you are gone but not forgotten, Nicholas. You are gone but not forgotten. Yeah, no,

they're almost too cute to roast but just almost. Yeah, they're like the ones that would interrupt your tricycle ride if a Walt Disney resort was haunted. Right?

They also look like they're the first fucking words where I'm going to need a higher SPF than that too. Also, let's just be realistic. They look like they're bad at stuff. You know what I mean? Like they're not talented in any way. Everything on the fridge

is a pity magnet. Let's just be honest. That's what's happening. I know everybody thinks their kids are good at stuff. These kids are not. No, they're not. They're going to be normies. They're already normie kids.

They're going to tell you about their nice little Saturday at Ikea. Their favorite book's going to be TikTok. You should get used to this idea now. Your kids are meh. Just like most people's kids. All right. So we've got a special roast here for Rob. Rob would like you to roast his former co-worker, David.

Okay, the picture Rob sent us looks like whatever alien is inside David's human suit first attempted a smile when they took this photo. He looks like the company insisted on taking his ID picture as he lowered himself onto a pair

of anguish. So apparently David was the manager of a team that does IT support for a 911 service. Yeah. And he would, quote, frequently interrupt people on calls to try out new jokes. Which is objectively hilarious. At least until it was murder. Hopefully it was never murder. But that's hilarious. Regardless.

Fun fact about David. When he's lowering himself onto a pair of anguish. He often checks to see if he needs to floss. At that very moment. Also. And he has someone take a picture. While all that's happening. Because that's what we're looking at.

He looks like he's so fucking awkward. He looks like he's learning to smile from an instruction book that was poorly translated out of Mandarin. Right? And last but certainly not least, our number one donor from last year. Technically two years ago. Yeah, okay, yes, technically two years ago. Anyway, Kirk donated $1,500 for a song about Eli's sworn enemy, the Gilmore Girls.

Hell yeah. And when our show calls for a song, there's only one thing to do. Hit it, Anna. Rory and Lorelai sitting at the dragonfly and drink 13 cups of coffee, each eight portions of food and still are thin. Because even though this show is cool for being about a single mom, it's messages to young women everywhere are really fucking wrong. La la la la la. La la la. So let's start with our leading ladies who like to duck in witty little quips

that often fat shame talk down to other cultures or are broadly homophobic ignoring their white privilege when everything seems to fall in Rory's lap. The only tension comes from the bad boy versus rich boy trope crap. La la la la la. La la la la la La la la Yes, the Gilmore Girls are sexist Think women are expected to be sexually experienced virgins Pretty, witty, pure And by the way, the only gay guy

Is a bitchy, slut-shaming classist Who never gets to come out on the show No, no, no, it's such a shitty show Whoa, whoa, Gilmore Girls is a shitty show Let's talk about Melissa McCarthy She's a comic genius But the jokes she gets to make are that She's clumsy and obese, yes

And she's constantly berated for being single until she finally catches a dick. And then it shifts to, when are you and this dude gonna have a kid? La, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la. Yes, the Gilmore Girls are sexist Think women are expected to be sexually experienced virgins Pretty witty pure And by the way, the only gay guy

Is a bitchy slut-shaming classist Who never gets to come out on the show No, no, no, it's such a shitty show Ooh, oh, oh, Gilmore Girls is a shitty show. Anyway, let's talk about Lane now. The badass, outspoken Korean best friend escapes her religious parents and plays drums in a rock and roll band,

has sex one time, gets pregnant with twins, marries a douche who expects her to apologize for not being a fucking mind reader and not being able to intuit when he wants to have sex, even though she literally mentioned several times on the show that she doesn't like sex, like it wasn't good for her, and then fucking apologizes for that later. And the fact that she has kids makes her bring back her emotionally abusive mom back into her life, and then she doesn't get to be a rock star like she's literally always wanted to be in the show. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

La, la, la. Yes, Gilmore Girls is toxic. Abortion's not an option. And neither is adoption. And no matter what your shitty parents did, you should forgive them. Especially if they're rich and you have a kid who needs an education. So you should probably just let them completely control your life and maybe your... Fuck.

The Gilmore Girls is sexist. Think women are expected to be sexually experienced virgins. Pretty, witty, pure. And by the way, the only gay guy is a bitchy, slut-shaming classist who never gets to come out on the show. No, no, no, it's just a shitty show. Whoa, Gilmore Girls is a shitty show. La, la, la, la, la. Whoa, Gilmore Girls is a shitty show. La, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la. Like, what is the la-la-la thing? I don't get it. I don't get it. I just don't get it. Thank you, Anna. Amazing job, as always. We don't deserve you, and we never will.

And the fucking Gilmore girls definitely don't deserve you. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godolph and Boos, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even new episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would be like one shoe dropping if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for using commas and capital letters. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for something other than that. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who will be back soon. She was off getting halfway to

vaccinated this week. That lucky fucker. I also need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who will be back soon. She was off getting halfway to vaccinated this week. That lucky fucker. I also need to thank also lovely and also talented Anna Bosnick for singing that song, even though, as I understand it, she fucking loves the Gilmore Girls. Also want to thank Sean from Speed Cube Review for providing this week's Farsworth quote. Incidentally, if you are into solving Rubik's Cubes or you want to learn how, check the show notes for links to his site. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Paul, Justin, Janelle, Neo, Tetron, Teresa, R.

Roberts, listening to you is what's keeping me sane. Thanks John Marwin, Ask Keith of Step Sister Point, Council's Incest, Amy, Heather, Kaleeb, Sue, and Sarah. Paul, Justin, Janelle, Neo, Tetron, and Teresa, who are so sexy the MPA had to come up with something that goes after NC-17, are listening John Marwin

and Step Sister Porn, who are so bright you can see them on the horizon in those Tack Light commercials, and Amy, Heather, Kaleeb, Sue, and Sarah, who are so sweet diabetics aren't allowed to kiss them. Together, these 15 fabulously fuckable philanthropists forked over a friendly fraction of fungibility to the furtherance of free thought this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to

help, but you aren't stimulated enough, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, or following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robson handles social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadeus.com. We're not going to.

I'm not going to use that. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.