The Scathing Atheist - 423: Premarital Edition

Episode Date: March 25, 2021

In this week’s episode, Republicans unite against the evils of equality, a radical Christian terrorist was suffering from sex addiction and March Madness, and we finally learn how wet Hitler’s pussy was. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: In Deleted Sermon, Georgia Shooter’s Pastor Said “Radical Feminism” Was Satanic: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/20/in-deleted-sermon-georgia-shooters-pastor-said-radical-feminism-was-satanic/ Charlie Kirk Was Fired from the Liberty University “Think Tank” Named After Him: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/16/charlie-kirk-was-fired-from-the-liberty-university-think-tank-named-after-him/ Bob Jones University opposes the equality act: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/18/the-christian-school-that-banned-interracial-dating-also-hates-the-equality-act/ “Prophetess”: St. Patrick’s Mansion in Heaven is Surrounded by Singing Shamrocks: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/17/prophetess-st-patricks-mansion-in-heaven-is-surrounded-by-singing-shamrocks/ Christian Singer John Cooper Insists He “Did Not Compare Cardi B to Hitler”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/03/20/christian-singer-john-cooper-insists-he-did-not-compare-cardi-b-to-hitler/

Warning, the following podcast contains those words that stupid people get more offended about than actual harmful stuff. This week's episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Chew and by the new brand of communion breakfast cereal for the Christian on the go, Christ Rispies. Christ Rispies, because every good meal starts with a good host. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hi, James here, autistic person from Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. And being as there are parents who would rather see babies die of whooping cough

than their children end up like me, I can attest we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. And women. It's Thursday. It's March 25th. And on this show, when we fall, Kirk, it's a sex thing. Ah, no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Marjorie Terrell Bosnick's New Jersey. Hell yeah. Cincinnati Red State. And Redtown Blue State. This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Republicans unite against the evils of equality. A radical Christian terrorist was suffering from sex addiction and March Madness. And we finally learn how wet Hitler's pussy was.

But first, the diatribe. I feel like we don't thank atheism enough. When you see some medical miracle, somebody brought back from the edge of death through a rigorous application of modern science, and you hear the Christians rush in and you claim it in the name of God, we're quick to point out their flaw right they'll thank god and we'll thank science but at the same time i feel like we should remember to thank not god specifically once in a while because science is a corollary of doubt you have to begin with atheism so to flesh this point out we have to relinquish the binary definition of atheism. Obviously, the existence of God is a binary proposition. Either God exists or God doesn't exist. God can't partially exist. But believing in God's existence isn't as cut and dry. Sure,

you can be all the way atheist or all the way atheist, but most people exist somewhere in between the polar certainties. And I would argue that our scales of atheism, both personal and collective, define the upper limit of our scientific potential. I mean, that makes sense, right? Like, if you truly believe that there's a God in the way that most modern theists define God, you have to also believe that God will always be more powerful than man, no matter what we achieve, no matter what we learn, no matter what we apply. Sure, you could dedicate your life to advancing our knowledge of the pulmonary system by a fraction, and maybe down the road that could help save a bunch of lives,

but it could never be as useful as devoting your life to service to God, right? And then later having the ability to call upon his favor. The knowledge and application of medicine would always be of secondary importance to the knowledge and application of prayer. Now, a lot of people accuse me of getting the arrow of causality backwards, right? Science was birthed, after all, in a very religious place during a very religious time, but that all depends on what you're comparing it to. It arose actually in a nadir of religiosity if you compare their time only to their past.

Their age would seem terribly religious to us regardless of which caused which. And while many, if not most, of the great scientific discoveries were made by theists, that only remains true to the extent that you insist on a binary definition of theism. Consider, too, that science arose at a time when the church had something of a monopoly on education, and even if somebody managed to advance our understanding of the world without submitting to both their indoctrination and their authority that budding scientist would be subject to condemnation if not execution right so pointing to priests discovering shit doesn't do you a hell of a lot of good survivors bias can pretty much excuse all of that of course that only explains

the priests making discoveries back in the day, right? Like, after all, it's been quite a while since the church has burned a heretic at the stake for heretical geology. And the Big Bang was first proposed by a Catholic priest, right? That's pretty damn science-y. Hard to argue that he was an atheist. And that tired-ass example actually just reinforces the point in another direction. Because something tells me that George LeMetre wouldn't have been quite as vocal if he'd discovered the opposite. Right. That there was no big. The fact that science happened to line up with his superstitious bits here is not irrelevant.

If I predicted downpour every morning, my methods don't get more sound on the days when it rains. In other words, it's kind of hard to imagine a Catholic priest proposing the theory of evolution by natural selection in, say, 1859 or even 1931, for that matter. If fucking George Lemaître had been a biologist instead of a cosmologist, I doubt very seriously that he'd have had any lasting impact on science at all. Of course, science isn't like all the bullshit it replaced. So it works regardless of what anybody believes. Medicine works regardless of whether you think it will. Airplanes fly no matter how much you doubt them. And even the most religious of religious people can still see Saturn's rings through a telescope or change their channel with

a remote control. I'm not saying that atheism has an exclusive claim on science any more than two plus two equaling four does. I'm saying that science has an exclusive claim on reality and atheism is just a part of that. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Bill and Ted to my Rufus Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to be excellent to one another? Damn it. What? Look, I already got Carlin. So while you guys duke it out over second place, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, Blue Chew.

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But I'm seeing if any of them are medicine, you know, like like Bluetooth. Oh, what's Bluetooth? Come on. What? I'm also at the candy store. Oh, yeah. Heath, what are you buying at the candy store? Eyes.

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All right. Well, none of this is medication, so I'm just going to have to ask you to leave anyway. Fine. Heath, can I get a ride? Sorry. Seats are taken with mounds. All of them? All of them. Yep. and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight in the unbearable whiteness of being news white christian

people aren't all nazis but nazis are pretty much all white christian. Never a great start to a story when that's the disclaimer. Or a race, honestly. Well, and, you know, continuing with this idea, people who do mass shootings with victims who are almost entirely a single ethnic group of non-white women aren't always white Christian Nazis who hate women. But so far they're batting a thousand on that. Yeah. who hate women, but so far they're batting a thousand on that. Yeah. So congratulations to Christianity on maybe

only correlating with Nazi mass murder and not definitely causing it. Way to go. Except probably causing it too. Yeah. Of course, I'm talking about the white Christian man with Morgellons 5G leaky gut sex addiction who went on

a murder spree in Atlantalanta last week killing eight people six of whom were asian women working at massage parlors and in a shocking revelation we recently learned that his baptist pastor gave horribly misogynist sermons those are the two dots really fucking close to each other but you know connect as you see fit yeah right who could have possibly predicted something like this during their diatribe last week america is like holding a hershey bar in the center of a chocolate factory yelling wherever did this come from yeah so here's how we found the most recent woman hating sermon that supports the

corralization relationship i was just talking about tm tm the mass murdering nazi was a member of the crab apple first baptist church in milton georgia which makes it sound like all of this is happening in an inappropriately gritty saturday morning cartoon by the way. G.I. Joe should have stopped this. Yeah. And to the church's credit, I don't know, the church kicked him out for Scotsman deficiency last week. And while they were

busy being ethical and intellectually honest, the church also deleted all the recordings on their website of Pastor Jerry Dockery giving sermons so weird except they're idiots at that church who forgot about their uh their big side hustle of putting sermons on spotify apparently they saw an opportunity to get all those tech savvy kids to stream misogyny ted talks on their fancy internet telephones. And that audio was still available.

So that's how we found out. And quick before anybody takes comfort in how dumb our opponents are in this fight, let's once again temper that with the degree to which we aren't winning. Right. And here's the sort of correlatory wisdom that was being

taught to the Atlanta Nazi. This is from a sermon in September of 2020 about the book of Timothy, where the apostle Paul explains that he doesn't allow women to teach stuff or in any way assume authority over any men. So just to be clear, the pastor's exact commentary doesn't really matter. No, I don't really need to tell you what it is. Unless, of course, he said the book of Timothy is stupid. We should stop reading this book we need a new book unless that's what happened it's gonna be full of misogyny and he did not say that that's not what happened according to pastor

dockery quote radical feminism has engulfed our culture like a tsunami we hear all the time we're striving for gender neutrality for gender fluidity you name it um and no no we're not we're not just adding random words after gender we're just using the ones that make sense like the ones in the beginning you can't just name it no continuing this is a blatant a blatant i'll say it one time, a blatant guidance direction strategy of Satan to oppose and usurp the authority of God and God's plan. End quote. That was probably heard by a domestic terrorist in training. Yeah. Yeah.

Damn that Satan and his guidance direction strategies. What? Yeah. Funny when your best defense for the things you say is, come on, nobody's going to take me seriously. What? Yeah, funny when your best defense for the things you say is, come on, nobody's going to take me seriously. Right? Yeah. That's the Sidney Powell, Tucker Carlson defense right there. It's a legal argument.

It's one that worked. Fuck. And just for the record, the sermon that happened right before the massacre was all about good Christians fighting back in the war between good and evil. But we weren't talking about January 6th and the Capitol riots.

I'm getting off track. Point being, Pastor Dockery gave pretty much that same sermon I just described three weeks ago about the literal apocalypse and the spiritual war with East Asia. It's always been happening. I don't know, man. Ignorance is strength, it turns out.

I feel like we got to rethink those references. One other detail on this. So-called sex addiction was named as part of the excuse for mass murder. First of all, not a thing. According to the overwhelming majority of experts, that's not a real diagnosis. But let's say it is. Or let's just say that some people really need to have an orgasm and they haven't for a while. What would be the worst possible treatment for a misogynist Nazi sex addict with a gun collection?

Evangelical rehab that tells people masturbation is a relapse? Evangelical rehab that tells you masturbation is a relapse evangelical rehab that tells you is relapse yes that is correct and that's exactly what this guy did and then a murder spree right after that yeah but hey big shout out to all the pastors who are gonna bravely condemn this from the pulpit this week just uh a heads up, you got some chocolate on your hands, guys. You got a little chocolate. And in what's in a name news, Christian University and the only magic school with a creator more problematic than Hogwarts,

Liberty University announced this week that they will change the name of the school's right-wing think tank. Really hope you can hear the scare quotes there. The Fall Kirk Center for faith and liberty to the standing for freedom center it's a bad name well just not kneeling like them black people in the nfl worse but that's because the fall stands for jerry falwell who uh by the way

got caught watching his wife fuck students from the closet last year and kirk stands for charlie kirk who is a wannabe fascist and is currently being sued by lemonheads for copyright infringement well he should be i don't know if he is but he should be okay so i found images of charlie kirk and the lemonheads mascot next to each other you can all see it and it's definitely a poster for an 80s movie with some kind of morphing situation no question oh yeah but just for the record the lemonhead guy genuinely has more reasonable ratios going on in his face yep very much now many are seeing this as an attempt by evangelicals to refocus their brand post-trump i mean after all it's hard to resell yourself as the party of family values and

patriotism after four years of paying the porn star you fucked while your wife was giving birth. Hush money with campaign funds seems fine to me. I'm sure the people who accepted Jerry Falwell and Charlie Kirk's name on a think tank would be bothered by the hypocrisy

of something like that. Yeah, fair, fair point. But if you ask me, the answer is far more simple. Impossible as it is to fathom, retaining Charlie Kirk's services is expensive and the Gerchar Center for DC villains is already a massive financial failure for a right-wing think tank.

Such a better name than either of the ones they came up with. Come on, just Gerchar Center. So over the past two years, the Gerchar Center has essentially served as a cushy way to pay Trump cronies to come speak at Liberty University. I mean, they haven't even done the standard evil shit right-wing think tanks are supposed to do, like publish articles or come up with fancy words for Brett Kavanaugh to use instead of I don't think gay people are real. Right. And this is great because it's like every middle-aged guy who buys all the stuff for a band, but never really does any band stuff. Bigot University put a whole bunch of money into this big project. And Charlie Kirk spent the last

two years being like, all right, what about the couches back to back? Precisely. Back to back? You can't. All right, man. I don't know. Well, pretty much. Scott Lamb, Liberty University's senior vice president for university communications, basically said that when he told the New York Times, quote,

basically said that when he told the New York Times, quote, we gave it a lot of thought and we decided to allocate our resources in different ways than that partnership with Charlie, end quote. Yeah, we were all sitting around thinking about it and we realized, fuck, we didn't need a tank for this after all. We're doing it right here. Yeah. And look, while this might seem like relatively minor news, it's important to note that this

probably makes Charlie Kirk and Jerry Falwell very sad, which means it should make you, podcast listener, very happy. So whatever kind of day you're having, however you're feeling, Jerry Falwell and Charlie Kirk are such national embarrassments that a university just renamed their nothing so as not to be associated with them. And that should put a smile on your face there you go they're both millionaires come on why you gotta wreck it i don't know maybe charlie kirk's not as much of a millionaire i don't know

well we'll got like 10 million dollars to leave fuck that guy i won't be a bad guy now and then it's not our fault you named it bju Tonight. I am pretty sure that I could work out a mathematical proof showing that it's impossible to simultaneously be on the right side of history and the side of Bob Jones University. Yes, the university named as though it's checking into a motel for an affair and that's known throughout the nation for things like ankle-length cheerleader skirts and a ban on interracial dating is a pining once again and it doesn't look like they've gotten any better at it

the most recent target of their antiquated thought-like phenomena is the equality act a bill that would amend the civil rights act to include protections against discrimination on the basis of sex sexual orientation and gender identity. And Bob Jones University rightly perceives any attack against the bigotry status quo as an attack on them directly. Christians are condemning equality now. Yep. Okay, I've got puppies and marshmallow roasts by 2022. Any takers?

I've got good odds. Good odds on marshmallows. All marshmallows matter, Eli. All. All right, so with the bill already passed in the House and growing public pressure to pass it in the Senate, Bob Jones University President Steve Pettit issued a statement condemning the legislation because, quote, the Equality Act contains no exemptions for religious organizations or others exercising their religious beliefs, end quote. In other words, he's pissed off because the law would count.

End quote. In other words, he's pissed off because the law would count. He also gives away his true motivation when he points out that the college might lose federal grant money under the law because Christian organizations are so fucking brazen that they're not afraid to flaunt the fact that we are still paying for their bigotry right now. Yeah. The end of this nefarious act is unrestrained, unmitigated equality, and that will not stand. Yeah. Yeah. Christianity is demanding gutter guards for the sport of ethics so that they can play. Yes.

Wow. Yes. I don't know why you got to blaspheme against gutter guards. Everyone likes a good gutter guard. So now, of course course the statement wasn't just filled with xenophobia and christian impudence it also had lies it echoed a number of the major themes being pushed by the organized disinformation campaign against this act because let's face it when your position is as eli just pointed out gay people shouldn't get apartments you're best off

lying about what your position is so there's been this concerted effort to convince people that it'll do shit like force churches to hire female priests against their will and force them to hold gay weddings even if they don't want to and as much as we should absolutely fucking do that shit the equality act only applies to places that are open to the public churches are already exempted from that shit so even, we might have to follow the law shit is an exaggeration. Steve tearfully baking a gay wedding cake. Joe Biden says I have to. I have to.

Good. I know you're making a joke there, but they should have to do that. Yeah, absolutely. In exchange for having laws that don't count for churches, you have to make us a cake anytime we want.

That's a good deal yeah there you go way more than fair we're bending over backwards there right no i would rather have your end to that and make you a cake trillion tax-free dollars a year i'll make you right now we should underscore just how proactive this bigotry defense is too right because despite broad public support and a majority in both houses of congress backing this fucker as long as the filibuster is in place this bill is not going anywhere even the filibuster reform that democrats have been hinting at wouldn't make a difference here there are plenty of republican senators that would be lining up to be the ones that heroically stood between lgbtq people and their rights overnight so it was already dead in the water. This motherfucker was coming out to denounce

equality anyway. And that means that it isn't just about defending his bigotry. It's also just that Steve Pettit didn't want to pass up a good opportunity to talk about how terrible the gays are. So you're saying I bought Steve Pettit this frosting kit for nothing, Noah?

Curse you, Kyrsten Sinema! But seriously, curse her. I'm sad there isn't a hell for her to burn in. I wish she could die. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, yeah.

I had to think about it. I'm on board. We can get somebody better from Arizona. Yeah, oh yeah. Sure. And in yo-i-chi-chi-cho-i-chi-chi-cho-i news.

Okay. If I can be serious for a moment. You're not done with this? Part of being a skeptic is owning up to your mistakes and apologizing when you're wrong oh you're gonna apologize to me for for that yes uh and last week i fucked up and a few of you let me know about it so i'd like to apologize and make

that right today god this is hard last week was as many of you know saint patrick's day and as many of you pointed out i failed to commit an open hate crime against my co-host Heath Enright on the air. And for that, I would like to apologize. I can make excuses to be fair. It's been impossible to find a leprechaun costume that fits me during the pandemic. Couldn't find green paint on Amazon Prime,

but the truth is I could have prepared better. I messed up and I want to make it right with you, dear podcast listener, by letting you know that geriatric hentai princess and self-proclaimed Christian prophetess Kat Kerr saw St. Patrick's Mansion

in Heaven this week and it's covered in singing shamrocks. Fucking what? She cut this part from her video, but that video ends with a guy being like, ma'am, this is a Walmart, and you have to pay for that pile of Lucky Charms you're swimming around in

during your very clear acid trip. So honestly, though, a giant pile of Lucky Charms is literally the only place where her hair would fit the overall color scheme. So I get it. Yeah, exactly. She could be a charm.

Yeah. She could get an NEA grant doing that shit. Now, regular listeners will remember care for her previous visions of heaven,

which include cities made of jello, a warehouse of body parts for amputees, and tractor-driving cows. And this week,

while appearing on Elijah's List YouTube program, she told us all about St patrick's house saying quote patrick was a great winner of souls and he is i can tell you he is in heaven i have seen his mansion and because jesus also has a sense of humor he built patrick's mansion in a field of five foot tall shamrocks and quote quote. Sounds like a fucking nightmare. Why would you want that? I love the idea of prank war Jesus, though.

Oh, St. Anthony, where did I put the keys to your house, Jesus? Patron St. Deep cut there. Yeah. One Catholic guy gets it. Now, at this point, Care's co-host is like, really? Cat Care? You sure you're not just doing a bit to torture heath and care responds again real quote yeah i did i saw him in heaven and so he's got all these

shamrocks that sing to him and they work with jesus christ because god has a sense of humor and quote shamrocks other this is the song that never ends. He's great, great, great grandpa. Okay. I feel like God would be funnier. Sure. Yeah. Finally tonight, we have one more story.

Here it is. It's been a difficult year. Full of fear and uncertainty about the fate of the world. So here's the question on everyone's mind. And I think I speak for all of humanity when I say this. Cardi B is just like Hitler, right? And assuming the answer is yes, we'd all like to know exactly how she's just like Hitler. Well, we finally got a good answer. Thanks to John Cooper, the lead singer for the Grammy nominated Christian band Skillet. Skillet. Skillet. Indeed, the lead singer of Skillet,nominated Christian band Skillet. Skillet.

Skillet, indeed. The lead singer of Skillet, John Cooper. According to him, Cardi B's singing and dancing, in terms of its artistic message and its mise-en-scene, it's just like Hitler's oratory. I'm just saying, if you're not picturing Hitler doing the wap dance, you're not the Woman I Married audience, okay? So, apparently Cooper did an episode for his youtube channel that was responding to cardi b's performance the grammys which he found morally confusing sure just like the holocaust

it's hard to follow you guys tell me what's going on. He complained that Cardi B is messing around with the ideas of good and evil. He said, quote, why would anybody call evil good and good evil? Well, it's simple. They just redefine the terms. Every dictator in history says what they were doing was good. If you go back and you read some of Hitler's speeches, which John Cooper has apparently done extensively. If you go back to Hitler's speeches, he's like, I'm going to set people free. Free from the bondage of the Ten Commandments.

What? Continuing the quote one more time. In his mind, he's a liberator. It's always like that, you guys. You just redefine evil and you redefine good. That's what's happening right now on the grammys okay quote what that's pretty rich from a guy who makes the type of music so universally bad they had to create a separate category so they could chart yeah oh right right exactly but so

but the true irony is that like he's actually in the process of doing that. Right. So like John Skillet or whatever is literally in the process of trying to redefine the Christianity out of Hitler, playing a made up bullshit Hitler quote as an example of why it's bad to do that. He was. Yeah. And here's my favorite part. After Cooper came out with that video,

the internet responded, dude, what? So he had to make a follow up video explaining that, favorite part after cooper came out with that video the internet responded dude what so right he had to make a follow-up video explaining that i did not compare corny b to hitler but yeah you did into a recording device we found it on spotify and your site you didn't even delete it anywhere but let's pretend you didn't do that. Either way, you made a video that said, I did not compare Cardi B to Hitler.

Always a bad sign. That's the thing that happened in your life, no matter what. Yeah, but now he's totally ruined my Halloween costume this year. Wet-ass Putin. And just to be clear about the full context here,

Cooper was responding to Cardi B performing WAP or wet-ass pussy. So in John Cooper's mind, a wet vagina has always been evil, but now it's getting defined as good. And that reminds

John Cooper of Adolf Hitler yikes I feel like the truly disturbing comparison is the one between vaginal moisture and Nazism also just one last thing Noah sorry one last thing this is very important

skillet used to open for Nickelback Also, just one last thing, Noah. Sorry, one last thing. This is very important. Skillet used to open for Nickelback. How dare they compare anyone else to Hitler? Right? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You shared a green room with Hitler. So with that reminder that there is a true nexus of misery and we know where it resides,

we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Look at this wet-ass pussy. And when we come back we'll dare heath to get married boomers are fond of talking about a simpler time in their youth and well many of them might sincerely believe that such a thing existed in reality it's an illusion crafted by a society that focused on meaningless bullshit problems instead of ones that mattered. And nowhere is that more obvious than in their church educational videos that ignore date rape, racism and endemic poverty in favor of topics like, are you and Billy really ready for a handholding? Which we'll document once again in this week's god awful mini so tell us heath what

would we be breaking down today we watched a teenager's choice it's nothing happens like whatever noah just said that's it that's all that happens okay i watched a version of this i downloaded it from whatever link and the audio is on a 12 second delay from the video. Didn't matter. Literally didn't matter. Did not affect my viewing of this stupid fucking film. Yeah. Yeah.

And so, Eli, how bad was this mini? Well, if your whore of a daughter wants to get married five whole months earlier than the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth intended. But even you've got to admit in your own movie, you haven't spoken to her since she was six. You will love this educational film. It's Noah and Lucinda aren't going to make it the movie. Right, right. It's also got to be the least interesting thing on the internet

called a teenager's choice. Yeah. All right. So we're going to open up with the 1950s credits which are always amazing oh i swear to god every black and white movie started with the same music well there's there were three musics depending on the mood yeah there were three different musics that we had back then so we start off meeting our hero Sandy and her friend Ann. Ann shows up in Sandy's room where Sandy has some goss. Little news. Turns out that her and Doug

are getting married on Saturday. Ooh. And I just want to say Sandy looks like she's never performed a household task without yelling, there's got to be a better way. But yeah, but Sandy's almost 18, so she thinks she's all kinds of ready for sex. But Anne does not think marriage is a very good idea at all. She's like, don't be silly. Everyone

knows you can't get married without your parents' permission and a certificate of virginity yeah right my favorite character is doug's uncle yeah or doug's uncle yeah so apparently doug's uncle is gonna help like tell the judge that it's fine so the two of them can get married yeah was that a thing like how many laws didn't count if some creepy uncle said you were cool to a judge or a cop or whatever so many like when i was a kid i could buy cigarettes if i had a note when i was like nine years old if i had a note from my grandpa i could buy cigarettes yeah we as a society lost so much when we no longer needed the sketchy uncle now we roam the streets and planes of this world hoping people listen to our podcast. You roam plains?

Yeah, I would. Cardios. Difficult. White plains, New York. But we also learn here that Sandy and Doug are getting married because their friends dared them to. Yeah. So were dares like fucking serious back in the day like how did people it was like chivalry like you have to kill yourself with a sword if you didn't take a dare or you reneged on a dare what's going on there i don't like that's in my nose i'm like was that a real problem they had to

warn the kids about back then well yeah apparently because this entire film was made because christianity thought they were losing kids to marriage dares yeah that's like the plot yeah all right before we make this movie everyone raise your hand whose kid is married on a dare all of us okay this is a great movie we're doing a lot so now we meet doug so ann has to leave we have doug and sandy coming in together discussing their plans for their secret marriage they're not going to tell anybody until after the fact except sketchy uncle of course it's well except she already did well right she told her friend ann and doug's like dude what you told somebody about our secret marriage that's the whole thing

i didn't tell anybody about the secret. I mean, mostly because I'm 55 years old and you're 17. Yes, he said secret. Thank you, Heath Enright. Doug is 800 years old, and he looks like if the Dust Bowl had a kid with Mr. Rogers. He had a weird, like, time-traveling Willem Dafoe look to him to me. Yeah.

Statutory grapes of wrath. But yeah, so they're having second thoughts, but well, first and a half thoughts, right? That's going to be basically the first 26 minutes of this 27 minute video. But Doug's also got good news. He found an apartment they can live in next to the gas station where he works.

Isn't that great? Well, his sketchy uncle found it anyway. Okay, this uncle is connected to some weird grapevines. Oh, I can get you married. Do you need a gas station apartment? Yeah, I have a guy for that. I have a guy for that too. Yeah.

But at any rate, so she's not so sure. He's not so sure he's not so sure but then then they start thinking about the fact that in three short days they'll be fucking so it's all worthwhile but just then mom and dad come in and ruin the fucking mood all together who are the same age as doug i mean mom might be a little younger than doug yeah also doug and sandy were saying out loud, like, all right, we're going to be married in three days. And the parents walk in from, you know, 10 feet away when that was said. And they were like, no, we didn't. No, we didn't hear anything. We were off screen.

So how would we be able to hear it? Yeah. Yeah. My waist is very high. It's hard for me to hear things. I'm her father. Okay. Question.

What the fuck is going on with dad's tie here? It looks like someone cut a regular tie in half and he's wearing it out of spite. Yeah, it's that flat bottom. I guess that was the style. Had to save tie fabric for the wall. I mean, it fits with his waist, which is at his chin.

Yeah, no, right, right, exactly. Oh, we also have to introduce little brother as a character here. So he just comes in to be annoying, throw a pillow and not get in trouble or something. Okay. But Sandy's overreaction to little brother is the best movie that I want to watch the entire time. He's like, hey, Doug, think fast and throws him a basketball or whatever. And she's like, I, Doug, think fast and throws him a basketball or whatever. And she's like, I'll fucking murder you, Kyle.

I'll murder you and leave your body in a shallow grave in the desert. Well, so, but that's the thing, right? So this is the classic example of what happens

when you have adult men writing teenage girls. Like, because everything out of Sandy's mouth is just her blowing up about some dumb, fucking crazy shit and freaking the hell out about it.

Yeah, she storms out here. She's like, I'm not a child. Doug is my age. This is normal. We're leaving. That's it. Yeah. And then the music comes in for a second,

and it's the music of very clearly a henchman is about to attack Bugs Bunny in like an old-timey Brooklyn mobster way. I don't know. That's not what's happening in the movie. That's not what happens right after this. It's like they were doing their side gig on the job. They were like, I'm

sorry, can we record this real quick for this Bugs Bunny cartoon? Get back to your boring educational film. It's either that or the pit was just like, alright, we're going to fuck with this movie. These people are terrible. I don't know. We'll play whatever we want. See if they can figure it out. Okay.

Okay. All right. So that night, mom and dad wonder if Doug and Sandy might be fucking. All right. Okay. Dad is putting on more clothes than he wore coming home from the office to go to sleep. What?

Yeah. Did people have sleeping mail back in the day? This was thick. Leather and chains. Oh, got separate beds and they're putting house coats over their pajamas to go to sleep.

Right? Yeah. What happened when people were sleeping? But yeah, so mom is trying to get dad to be a little more incensed about the fact that

she saw a fucking dog all hours of the night. Right. Dad's got a very like, I don't really give a shit. She's a girl and all kind of an attitude. She's like, you must talk to her. And he's like, no, she's an asshole. I liked her when she was 12. I wrote my notes.

Weird take. Weird take. Yeah. And I love dad's egocentrism. She's like, I wonder what's wrong with our daughter. And he's like, it's probably me. It's's probably about me i'm just a shitty dad it's probably i haven't dadded well enough look if i know one thing about a teenage girl it's that her problems are a reflection of me and me alone i'll let her know that that'll fix everything yeah no i should

point out dad is a shitty dad like like i'm not trying to take that away from him he nailed that it's true all right so okay now we have to meet this i have him down as redneck gilligan the straw hat guy oh the burlesque scarecrow that he's friends with okay the doug is friends with were daisy duke's shorts the standard uniform for mechanics at some point in history and if so how do we make that period of history happen yeah right so okay so we're at work doug is at the at the gas station that he works at and his buddy who i just have a straw hat through the whole thing who's wearing daisy dukes and a straw hat is just there chatting with him about a scholarship that will never come up again. You know how there's young Sheldon? Doug's friend looks like old Sheldon.

He does. Yeah. Yeah. And so and then we add to this mix, Joe. Joe is I have no idea what fucking they assume that there was a third friend needed to hear. Yeah. Apparently they couldn't expose it directly into each other's mouth. idea what fucking they assume that there was a third friend needed to hear yeah apparently they couldn't exposit directly into each other's mouths so there's a third joe to set things up yeah so joe shows up to tell straw hat that doug is getting married to sandy god jesus i hate my

job and this scene is super stupid but i do want to point one thing out. Straw Hat, old Sheldon, all of his lines are desperate cries for help in this scene. And no one acknowledges it. He goes, haven't you heard the news? And Straw Hat's like, I had a mental breakdown. I just got out of the hospital. And he's like, yeah, they're getting married. That's the way I have a heart condition. Anyways, that's a spit in your eye and an elephant's tie.

So. Yeah, yeah. Well, and I love that the, so first of all, just a quick terrifying window into the time period. Straw Hat says, so wait a minute, do you two have to get married? And I was like, oh God, the pre-abortion world is terrifying. But then once they figure out that it's not because she's pregnant, the big discussion is whether or not he'll chicken out. Well, dares were fucking serious.

He's like, yeah, I'm getting married on a dare. I ain't fucking yellow. So that's not happening. Chickening out. Fuck you. People fought two world wars on a dare back then. Right. It fucking meant something.

fought two world wars on a dare back yeah right it fucking meant something and i love joe's like he's almost doing the like you have so much life to live but they can't say you can fuck other people so he's just like you know all the church you could go to as a choir practice yeah right so then we get doug showing off the apartment to Sandy and her not even pretending to be impressed. Oh, the rent, by the way, is $55 a month. Fun fact, you can still rent that apartment for that price in Georgia. Yeah, no, it's got to go south for it. But yeah, exactly. I mean, that comes with dishes, though.

So, yeah, that's true. That's the best part. He's like, sweet pad, right? And she obviously hates it. He walks into the into the kitchen well it's like a studio he walks into the kitchen area behind a curtain and he's like the kitchenette oh look it came with a bowl huh you like this bowl you eat i see i've seen you eat salads it's great to have bowls or cereal i don't know we put it on my head look at this you know what they say a bowl is just a big cup if you want it to be and she has this great moment where she he's obviously asking her to compliment the place

and she's like i like that there are trees outside on earth yeah right we can almost see the park from here oh fucking sad if we loft the bed? We'll have room for activities. Look at me kicking. Okay. Yeah, but then Doug realizes he's late for the scene being over, so they rush out. Yeah. Now, keeping in mind that, like, earlier,

this was, like, right next to his workplace, right? This was the apartment above his work. He's late for work, so he has to run off. She's like, you can drop me off at Ann's place on the way. On the way downstairs? Really? Yeah. So, meanwhile, back at Sandy's house, mom and dad are board gaming with Junior

like a good family does. Very wholesome. Very wholesome. They're playing Scrabble. Yeah. I like Scrabble. The only board game in 1959. No, they had Monopoly back then, too. Monopoly's pretty good, too. I don't like the detail that we get about the Scrabble though. It's mom's turn.

She puts down one square, one tile, and she gets a triple word score. Who leaves a triple word open for a one tile placement to get that triple and then go somewhere else with it? That's horrible. And she doesn't go somewhere else with it. She just puts down one letter. They count three numbers.

Who the fuck even knows what's going on there yeah yeah exactly but sandy comes home while they're playing scrabble and they're like do you want to play some scrabble and of course she has to go like no i hate you and everything else in the world and then go to a room i'll destroy you okay this movie is like an exorcist prequel where they never decide to deal with the demon all right i'm gonna go read some dawkins your voice got evil there honey my mother sucks cocks in hell okay my mother sucks cocks in hell so so she goes to head into her bedroom and think about how much more life she has to live before she gets married. So we watch her like, you know, she hugs a doll.

She looks through a yearbook for a fucking while. She reads? She reads a yearbook in the movie? She does. That actually happens for a while. Yeah. And what she reads is first she sees the badminton team, which I found delightful. That's cool that they had a badminton team.

But then she's like, oh, look, it's the enjoying our youth club. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. And then she weeps. Well, yeah, this scene had a very nobody's going anywhere until she summons an actual tear feeling to it. Yeah.

Next time I cry, I'm going to do that fall over crying that people did in 1950s. Oh, fuck yes. Let's run. Fuck yes. It's so dramatic. You got to get up at a mirror

and get that thing going where you look at yourself starting to maybe make the cry face and then you can cry. I can make myself cry like that. Ah, interesting. All right. I can make myself cry

by thinking about Christmas commercials. It's pretty easy for me. Here we go. I'm the incredible Hulk of crying. I'm always crying. Well, there you go. Eli just stops telling jokes for five seconds. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. All right. So but dad can apparently smell her tears. Or is it right? Because he dips out. He's like, hold on a moment. My dad's senses are going off. I need to go upstairs and find out what's wrong.

Did you touch the thermostat or cry? I cried. Did you improperly wrap up an extension cord? Hold on a second. Okay, you did both. I'm going to yell at you. You'll still be crying. It's really not a problem.

And then why are you crying? It's like cleaning from the top down, really. Okay, but question. Did dad get like pranked and was told to play this as a love scene because why the fuck else would he sit that close to her well yeah he sits close and he's like you want to talk about it she's like you're very very close you're very close and she starts backing up but he moves right with her and she's like all right yeah i have to stand up this is crazy did somebody tell you as a prank

to play this scene pepe lepew is coaching him from off screen a little bit more distance man you're creeping him out you know what you're younger than my fiance so uh let's go with it yeah right yeah right but but he's like is there something you want to talk about and she's like nope and she turns to the mirror she wipes her tears away she says see dad i'm not crying anymore you nailed it made me stop crying now go away and he's like all right well looks like i've dadded correctly the film convention of no really what's the matter hadn't been invented yet so he's like all right good job me yeah he's buying it apparently maybe speak literally from now on and i'll listen to the thing you said because you said that now i'm leaving leaving. That's how it works. Don't lie.

Don't be a liar. Alright, so now it's time I guess to pad the fucking run time a bit. So the following morning, Straw Hat shows up in Anne's kitchen to chew some more scenery and bless him for it, right? Because if it wasn't for Straw Hat, this would have been a hard watch.

Yeah, this is super easy because of Straw Hat. Straw Hat turns to her and he's like, how come you haven't asked me to marry you? And Anne's like, I mean, because you're obviously super duper gay.

This is your only creative outlet. Also the hat, if I'm being honest. And the shorts, really. You know, yeah. Will you take off the hat? No. He bites her. Yeah, no. he also calls her a sugar chop here does he really what's a sugar chop i don't know but that's amazing i think it's

when you ask your gay actor to improvise a adoring nickname for a woman live on screen sugar okay beats i don't know well if you've got a bunch of cardiology problems maybe you don't have sugar chops going on so okay but there's a whole big moment here where because i was thinking to myself i you know this is funny and silly and everything but it's not very christian you know does it really belong on this show at all and then holy shit did they crank the jesus up to 11 here yeah because suddenly he's like and why haven't you asked me to marry you? And she's like, because I'm churchy.

And he's like, right. And she's like, God is very important to me. He made me white and I owe him one for that. It's seriously that. He basically says like, okay, so you go to church.

Your life is better than ours. Us, the ones who don't. She's like, yep. Yes. I am better. I am better. How do I put this being a christian makes me the bestest yeah and i don't have severe psychiatric problems and cardiology problems i'm healthier yeah i have a full pair of jeans all to myself

all right but so and then this is because they're trying to figure out how to talk their friends out of getting married and I love that she has to be like, can you stop fucking daring them and telling them they're going to chicken out? Maybe that would help. He's like, right. Yeah, I probably should do that. No deal. But then she's like, you know who could help is a character that we've never

met, hasn't been on screen, and we've only vaguely referred to my older sister. He's like, like yeah she could do something off screen that would help move this plot along huh oh are we gonna meet her and is she gonna do anything no no I'll just report back on what she said in the next

scene yep there you go all right so now Sandy's waiting for her parents to leave so she can pack for her for her marriage and shows up to tell her she still thinks this is a shit idea right and she reports back that what the sister said is she was just like the plot of this movie but then she didn't and that's good which means the people who wrote this 14 second long educational film were like what's a good way to communicate our message of don't get

married in our educational film i know we'll make up a separate film that happened within the film where the character didn't make the mistake that the character is about to make it's so can we show that to them no no no we'll have another character refer to a person who we've never heard of talking about the fact that that happened yeah right okay but just to be clear the christian message is like a matter of a two-month difference in age yeah she's 17 she's gonna turn 18 next month and the movie is saying like wait until a month and you're christian again because that's what the minister that the character we didn't meet tells her when she goes to the minister she's like i'm 17 i'll get married the minister's like no marriage is great give it a month yeah and then it'll be christian yeah right well so the

sister that's telling her all of this is 22 and getting married so if anything that's what they're saying it's like a couple years give a couple years there yeah so couple years there. Yeah. So, but, and Jesus Christ, this is convoluted. So, and is now telling her what her sister told her that her minister told her before she almost got married

at 18. Jesus Christ. I don't know what you just said. Right. I watched this movie. The minister is now describing this podcast about the scene. Yeah, but so Sandy admits it's probably not a very good idea, but her friends are going to think she's a chicken, you know, and dares are very serious.

You were a young man when this movie was made. Did they make you wear some kind of star if you were proven to be chicken? Were there camps they sent you away to? They kept the feathers on with tar, actually. Yeah, exactly. Very sticky. What was Benjamin Franklin like? Was he nice?

But Anne, I love too, like Anne plays the God card, right? She's like, you know, God will help you if you'll let him. And she's like, I don't need a stinking fucking God. So now she's upstairs. Her parents have left or at least so she thinks. She's getting packed. There's, I love, God's trying to warn her off with a distant thunderstorm, right? We have thunder and lightning in the

background and shit. Oh, that's good. It's good imagery symbolism and whatever. I didn't catch that good writing but dad comes in while she's packing she thought he was going but he's not and he's like so are you running off to fuck doug or something what no no and dad's like why are you wearing your leopard print moving dress she's gonna going to get married in leopard print. Which she is literally wearing. She's got a huge

flared out dress. She's got one of those net things over her hair. Yeah. Was that a thing? When people moved, they would get dressed up? Noah, was there

moving dresses? She was going to get married. She was going to get married in a leopard print dress. That was amazing. That's cool. They do going to get married in a leopard print dress. That was amazing. That's cool. They do say that, right? White for virgins and leopard print for underage virgins.

17-year-old, 75-year-old groom. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But she admits to dad that she's going to run off and get married, and he's not sure. Doug gets there. He starts honking to tell her that he's there. So not marriage material there

fuck that guy that's the fucking best because the rest of this scene will be punctuated by Doug being like I was crying with laughter there's not a single moment in this scene that will not be ruined by Doug's horn for the rest of it. Yeah. And they have this weird fucking conversation where he has to assure her that he doesn't like her brother more than her, no matter how much it seems that he does. Quote, if I may, when you were born, you were the first person I loved unselfishly. What? Really?

What? Your mom didn't make the cut, huh? Yeah. That's a weird distinction. He also says, I love you differently than I love your mom. And she's like, thank you? Judging by how close you stand to me i'd never have guessed i couldn't tell that from the way you played the last scene thank you for clarifying

yeah and then he's like remember when we used to christianity more you and i and you weren't off fucking doug that was those were the days he goes i wish i I wish. And I just wrote in my notes, did he forget his line? Oh, he forgot his line. They just had one long reel back in the 50s. You got one fucking take. I wish, I wish clarinets and violins would start playing so we can end the scene, please. Jesus, yeah.

And they did. But apparently, this is where I learned that the moral of this story is go to church or who the hell knows who your daughter will be fucking yup he might be 55 years old and work at a gas station exactly he also explains that like church weddings

are the ones that count cause God or something and meanwhile Doug is just honking away going like we did say 630 right it's the best honey I've got to tell you that when the Lord is a part of I want him to start yelling

just like Sandy Sandy Sandy Sandra mom alright so then we cut outside like their conversation wraps up I want to point out that there was starts ringing. Sandra. Mom. All right. So then we cut outside. Their conversation wraps up. I want to point out that there was thunder and

lightning the whole goddamn time they were having this conversation. We cut outside. It's not raining. That was just Doug. Doug was making that noise to get her attention. Rattling metal sheets off stage. Are you punching a ham outside of the window? What?

So we go outside where he is and she comes out and he's like, so are we getting married or did we think better of this? Please tell me we thought better of this. Please tell me we thought better of this. But she thought better of this. And to his credit, the actor that plays Doug has a very I thought I was getting laid tonight and now I'm not look on his face. He gets over it so fast. She's like, Doug, don't be disappointed, Doug. And he's like, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, right, right. And then she goes like, you know, I want to start. This is the actual line. She says, let's start again with Christ at the center of our lives. And then you have he's got that like, oh, wow, I almost married your nutty ass. Bullet dodged kind of moment. It's the best.

She actually asked him. She's like, okay, so we're doing this. We're going to wait a little bit more. We're going to be more Christian. And then we're going to get married in a church like really soon, but not right now. And Doug, he's clearly supposed to be like yeah i'm in christianity movie but he's silent yes for the whole thing and never answers and his answer is just like hug technically didn't say yes it's like me trying to get heath to watch transformers with me you said we could go

no i said i'm hugging you eli i'm running my hand across your lips with me. You said we could go. No, I said we're going to the theater. Eli, I'm running my hand across your lips. Mango nectar. It's very sticky. All right. So I guess with that important lesson learned, wait a few months, kids. I guess we're done. 30 minutes of film

back when making a movie was really expensive, no matter how bad it was and they hadn't fully eradicated polio yet. Great use of resources, the 50s. Jesus. So with that, we'll wrap up yet another edition of God Awful Minis. Before we retreat to our caves this week,

I want to remind you that things are really heating up on our ongoing quest to recover the Wand of Seven Parts over on D&D Minus. If you haven't checked out that show because the idea of listening to other people play D&D seems insane to you, I strongly urge you to reconsider. I honestly thought that myself at first,

but then I remembered how fucking funny Eli is. You'll find a link in the show notes, of course. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to look out for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an

even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citationated, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't fit into your phone, right, if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for smelling so pretty. I want to thank Eli Bosnick for tasting so salty. I also need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for being all things that I need in my life, such that I've gotten through an entire year-long quarantine and wanted for nothing. I also need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for being all things that I need in my life such that I've gotten through an entire year long quarantine and wanted for nothing.

I also need to thank James from Brisbane for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. He didn't have anything to promote, so he asked me to use this spot

to remind everybody to treat autistic people with dignity. And though he didn't say this specifically, I feel like it was implied that he also wanted me to remind everybody

to treat anti-vaxxers with whatever the opposite of dignity is. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, Steve, Sarah, David, Daniel, Richard, and Michael.

Steve, Sarah, and Daniel, whose IQs have more ones and zeros than this MP3, and Daniel, Richard, and Michael, whose ejaculations are so powerful, NASA had to ask them to aim away from the Hubble when they masturbate. Together, these six sexy secularists secured our secretions of segmented sacrilege this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money that it takes to give some of it to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby

you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're allergic to podcast donations, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles

our social media, and our audience, J.D.R.S. Morgan Cook, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, I'm not being Alex Winter. Fuck that. Yeah, Alex Winter. Alex Winter says that. If Alex Winter was on this show, he would have been in on the dibs on Keanu. He would have been for, when you said joining me,

he would have been like, dibs on Keanu. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.