The Scathing Atheist - 426: InfoWar Hero Edition

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

On this week’s episode: God steals his shit from a little Nas ... Alex Jones is literally a crisis actor in his own video ... And Tom and Cecil will join us once again to roast the deserving. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Alex Jones staged a child kidnapping with a charity: https://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/charity-helping-migrants-says-alex-jones-used-staged-confrontation-to-allege-trafficking Preacher: In 2029, an Asteroid Will Hit Earth and Give Rise to the Antichrist: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/04/09/preacher-in-2029-an-asteroid-will-hit-earth-and-give-rise-to-the-antichrist/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language, so either turn it off or stop being such a fucking baby. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, MySheetsRock, and by No Illusions First Full Week Off in 7 Years. No Illusions First Full Week Off in 7 Years. It's like pulling teeth to get that guy to take a break. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, my name is Ben, and I've been a bartender on the Strip in Las Vegas for nearly a decade.

And if that experience has taught me anything, it's that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's April 15th. Noah, come on, man. I thought you were taking the episode off. Yeah, didn't you just have oral surgery just now? Yeah, but I'm good. I'll be good.

I don't think you are. You sound like you just had oral surgery. You do not sound good. If I... You're going to waste this. Sorry, what? If I take the episode off, you guys are going to waste this. No, come on.

Get some rest. We got this. You promise not to waste this? We promise not to. Oh, sis. No, come on. Get some rest. We got this. You promise not to wait to wait, sis? We promise not to. Oh, okay. It's Thursday. It's April 15th. And it's International

Pizza Cake Day. Because sometimes Deep Dish needs to go up. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Paul Simons, New Jersey and Nick Lachey's,

Ohio, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, God steals his shit from Little Nas. Alex Jones is literally a crisis actor

in his own video. And Tom and Cecil will join us once again to roast the deserving. But first, our favorite races in order. You guys promised. Kidding, kidding, kidding. Next is the Eliatrap. There's an old French saying that goes,

falling in love is like finding a secret ballroom in your house. And I got to tell you, that's about as close as words are ever going to get to expressing how wonderful it's been to have a kid. Don't get me wrong, as any parent will tell you, the first few months babies are a little more than a squish mellow that shits and cries. But every day being a parent gets easier and better. It gets more fun, more exciting, more worthwhile than I possibly could have imagined. And watching this little person, have imagined and watching this little person, this little human being learn and grow and smile and stand. It's so obviously the best, most amazing thing that's ever going to happen to me

that it's a little embarrassing. And the great thing about being an atheist is that that never has to change. There is nothing my son will ever be. There is nobody he will ever love, nothing he can believe or do that will make me love him an iota less than I do right now. But not everyone is that lucky. There are hundreds of thousands, probably millions of religious parents walking around this planet right now who felt exactly the way I do up until the second their kid told them they were gay or trans or hell, even atheist. And thanks to culture or fear or upbringing, those parents voluntarily locked the doors to that ballroom and threw away the key for nothing. And look, I know not every religious parent cuts off their gay or atheist kid,

but at the very least, they have to do a worldview cartwheel. They got to insert asterisks that aren't there into an awful lot of the shit they've said. They got to pretend not to hear it when their religious leaders condemn their child to hell in no uncertain terms. And when their kids ask them about a book that calls for them to be stoned to death, they've got to pretend that book is anything other than inconveniently bound toilet paper. See, religious people love to tell you that they can't fathom an atheist worldview. They can't imagine a universe where life just ends, where they don't get to boop up to heaven and play a harp with great-great-grandma for all eternity. But I can't

imagine their reality. I'd sooner saw my head off with an electric toothbrush than kick my son out of the house. And yet, I have a dozen people in my life whose parents tossed them aside for a book they haven't read. There's not a congregation in this country that doesn't have a couple who cut the hearts out of their chest and toss it into the collection plate on a promise that has never and will never be fulfilled. And I know for fucking certain a few of those kids are listening to this podcast, maybe for the first time, maybe for the 426th. And if that's you, on behalf of new parents everywhere, I am sorry. I'm sorry your parents threw away the most amazing thing to ever happen to them.

And if there was a hell that made any kind of sense, you can bet your ass they'd be headed there. But if it's any comfort, and I know it's not, if they loved you one one thousandth as much as I love my kid, they're already there. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight is the cash to my tango eli bosnick eli are you ready to uh i guess zipline and argue about penises like that gay summer camp i once attended you had me at penises and lost me at ziplining, Heath. Lost me at ziplining. Why do you hate ziplining so much? We're not talking about it on the air.

All right. In our lead story tonight, we actually have a little bit of good news about religion. But don't get too excited. It goes downhill real fast. Yes, it does. So every once in a while, Christianity gets something right. It happens exactly once every 12 hours in a metaphorical sense. Or once a day on military time.

Yeah. They broken clock their way into doing something good. And that's exactly what's been happening with a Catholic charity in Texas. They help out asylum seekers who cross the border by providing food, clothing, and transportation. And of course, that conflicts heavily with the American part of American Christianity. Right. So Alex Jones showed up to interfere with humanitarian aid, literally scream at refugee children, and make a video of that on purpose because he was the hero in this situation in his mind. Okay, in Alex Jones's defense, Heath,

when you tell me a Catholic church is taking children anywhere, I get nervous. Okay, I mean, yeah. But also Alex Jones, when a Catholic church hears about Alex Jones confronting children, it's a tough one. It's tough. Okay, to be clear, Alex Jones tried to pretend this was just a random act of heroic patriotism that just happened out of nowhere. Coincidence.

It's presented like Alex Jones was just walking down the street and then his spider senses started tingling. So he did an ocular pat down of a car with some Latino kids inside and sniffed out a crime and then he jumped in for the rescue. And of course, he just happened to be walking along with a professional film crew that had all their equipment out ready to shoot. It was absolutely not that. He very clearly staged this whole thing from his side. His version of the story is he saw a car full of Latino kids and he thought,

those kids are being kidnapped. And it's not just that. The charity in question has been dealing with white nationalists over the past few months, harassing them because they help brown people. And Alex Jones found out about that because that's his fucking listener base. And he was like, oh, what a great opportunity for me

to shoot an episode of my QAnon version of Punk. This is great. This charity has had to get like 50 yard restraining orders against these shitty groups. Yeah. Yes. And here's what happened in the video that again, Alex Jones thinks is a good thing. He thinks he's a hero. He sees a car with some refugees being helped out by a guy from the charity. That guy's about to drive those people to a facility called the Humanitarian Respite Center. Literally, that's where they're going. We know that now. So Jones runs over and starts yelling, you got to smuggle children illegally. And then he turns

to camera two. You're rolling. Your human smuggling is going to stop. Freak. Two angles. Nailed it. And then he starts going back and forth with his henchmen yelling their very obviously rehearsed sequence of lines. You can literally see Alex Jones start to jump in early for a line. Yep. Realize it's not quite his line yet. Wait for his cue and then yell again. Alex, this is why you need a tech and a dress, buddy.

Tech and a dress. tech and a dress definitely definitely didn't do both of those so that goes on for a couple minutes and jones was definitely counting on a crowd of texans to snap into formation with torches and pitchforks at that point but they're all just walking past being like yes that's alex jones he probably arranged that to attack the same person he clearly staged this whole thing. Yeah. So then Jones starts yelling to a local cop across the street

that the kids aren't wearing seatbelts. So the cop technically has to get involved and be like, okay, please, sir, from the charity, do your amazing humanitarian aid a little bit slower with multiple trips so everyone has a seatbelt. Great. Alex Jones,

you good? God damn it. Okay. Making small talk with the two kids who can't be in the car now. So long. You like, you like brain pills? No.

Yeah. He's doing nothing as nice as that. He's screaming at them. He's shoving boom mics and cameras in their face and screaming at them. But the most amazing moment is when Alex Jones runs to the front of the charity vehicle. Yes. And he gets into a wrestling stance, like he's going to physically prevent this SUV from driving away. And then he changes to a few different stances, like to find the best stance for stopping an SUV with a single human being just standing there. And look, guy who

was driving that SUV. I get it. You're busy getting people in desperate need of help, the help that they need. But you had an opportunity to run over Alex Jones. Alex Jones! My foot is pressed to the floor just thinking about it. I cannot bend my right knee right now. Just at the thought. But yeah, the charity guy never tries to drive away, never tries to run over Alex Jones.

So it's just Alex Jones screaming at kids, pouring sweat at this point, being like horse stance, bear stance, tiger style. Moral of the story, Christianity is a broken clock. And Alex Jones and white American Christianity are breakers of broken clocks. They fuck up all those useful moments you get out of a broken clock. That's the level they are. Oh, and okay. You are right about the best part.

It's definitely horse stance, bear stance, tie yourself. It's amazing. Watch the video. I was tears of laughter watching this video. It's so amazing. But the second best part is definitely ending because he doesn't save the kids. Yeah. is definitely ending because he doesn't save the kids. In his bullshit narrative that he created, Alex Jones came upon a child kidnapper

and was like, don't kidnap those kids. And then was like, well, I tried. That's what his side thinks happened. And they're proud of him. They're proud of him for being like, what am I supposed to do? Maintain a horse stance for four seconds. We'll be serious.

That's how his video ends with those children that he believes are being kidnapped and possibly abused sexually. There's actually accusations of that during this video. It's insane. That's how he ends. Nothing happens. They are not saved. It's all about breathing, kids. I did my best. ends. Nothing happens. They are not saved. It's all about breathing, kids. I did my best.

Right. All right. Well, I guess on that note, we're going to take a break for a word from our sponsor. They're going to love this. Stamps.com. If you want a better way to transport things. Okay.

And then you pop out of the box and you're like, thank you. Love it. Yes. Perfect. Yeah. Yes. Perfect. Yes. So.

Ah. Oh, you know what? This is usually where Noah comes in and asks us what we're doing. Right. And then we say that we're going to use a box or mail you to somewhere. Right. Something. And then he's like, why don't you use stamps.com? What's stamps.com? No, no, no, no. Hypothetical. Something. And then he's like, why don't you use stamps.com? What's stamps.com?

No, no, no, no. Hypothetical. It was a hypothetical. What does clause 34.661 say? Hypotheticals count. Exactly. Hypotheticals count. Stupid subsection.

I never should have agreed to that subsection. Anyway, stamps.com brings the services of the U.S. Postal Service and UPS right to your computer.

Stamps.com is a must-have for any business. Whether you're a small office sending out invoices, an online seller shipping out orders, or even a giant warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. That's right, Heath. Simply use your computer to print U.S. postage 24-7

for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. Once your mail is ready, just schedule a pickup or a drop-off. It's that simple. We actually use stamps.com to send out our Patreon rewards. And now that Lucinda is doing it, those are actually going out on time. I sent them out on time-ish. Ish?

Would you say ish? Time dimension. Anyway, with stamps.com, you get discounts up to 40% off post office rates and up to 62 percent off UPS rates. Darn tootin' you do, Heath. Stop wasting time going to the post office. Go to Stamps.com instead. There's no risk. And with our promo code scathing, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing.

That's stamps.com, promo code scathing. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Okay, and then there's usually like a button that touches on the premise right here. Right, because otherwise it just ends after the copy. Right, it would just end. Great. Right. It would just end. Great.

Great. That's perfect. I'm sure stamps.com is going to love that. I'm sorry. I panicked. And finally tonight, bad news, everyone. It looks like the world is going to end in eight years. Okay.

Heath, anything you want to get done before 2029? Oh. No, I'm good. I'm good. Okay, good. Bucket list filled. Wait, I want a PS5 maybe by 2029. Yeah, that's when this supply will hit the stage.

I'm sure we'll get there. Yeah. TikTok. This news comes to us from extremely reliable source, end times preacher, and man who always looks like he's at a bankruptcy hearing for his crystal store. Tom Horn, who let us know that in twenty twenty nine, an asteroid is going to hit Earth to make way for the Antichrist. OK, yeah. Interesting. So appearing on convicted felon Jim Backers extended infomercial for freeze dried food buckets or explain that shit's going to go down and it's all going to start with the asteroid Apophis.

OK, we've checked on that. Scientists have checked on that. So, as usual, the margin of error for Jim Baker's show is about 20,000 miles. Give or take that. He's a, give or take that, he's correct about things. When you Google Apophis, the third result is like some poor guy

at Nat Geo being like, no, it's not going to hit the fucking earth, you idiots. We checked on this a while. It's been not going to hit us. We knew that for a while now. Still not going to hit us.

15 years. Yeah. Yeah. So according to Tom Horn, quote, I believe that Apophis is carrying an alien microorganism on it in which a virus is being sustained. I believe it's going to make coronavirus look like a walk in the park on impact with the earth, the contagion that is going to be brought to this planet. It's not a sentence.

That's fine. Yeah. I think that it's going to be a trigger event that ultimately leads to the mark of the beast, which will mean that you're going to have to be vaccinated. End quote. Okay. Okay. Maybe this is good. He's saying vaccines are real there and COVID was not Satan. Like, I don't really care how they got there. That's like two positive things, at least for the idiots, right? Pretty impressive. Yeah. Also, we know how seriously Christians take worldwide pandemics. So good start. He continues, a contagion during the tribulation period could sweep the world.

Literally tens of millions of people are dying by the hour. And an international cry goes up around the world for some kind of cure. A vaccine. Okay. Tens of millions of people are dying by the hour. Let's call that 20 million people an hour. The entire human race is dead

in like two weeks. 16 days, something like that. So, you know, everybody sign up for an appointment as soon as you can. No walk-ins. Sign up. Get on Kroger's website. We're all dead in 16 days, though. Oh, I got to refresh the website. Nope.

They only have one in 17 days. Shit. Ah, damn. Why are they even booking those? It's a dick move. He concludes, quote, Well, a man comes forward. A single individual who happens to be the Antichrist.

And he's the only man on earth whose blood is naturally immune to the alien virus and so a vaccine is created from his blood by which all mankind then are required to be inoculated so it's almost like a black communion what okay i mean at least it's not a full-on black communion just adjacent to that. What the fuck did that mean? Yeah. I do not know. I mean, I know what I'm picturing, and I feel like I know what Tom Horn is picturing.

But whatever he's picturing when he says black communion aside, I like that the Antichrist has immunity to the alien virus by coincidence. That was a weird detail. Yes. What are the chances? Either way, if the 13 plus Christian apocalypses we've watched over on Godawful Movies are any indication, everybody keep your eyes out for a guy with a vaguely European accent and salt and pepper hair who's offering vials of his blood and a forehead credit card. Head on a swivel, everybody. Head on a swivel.

And now that we have a useful ETA for the Antichrist, that's nice. We're going to close out the headlines. Eli, you want to exclaim anything? Jewish manji. There it is. Excellent. Eli, you want to exclaim anything? Jewish manji.

There it is. Excellent. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil are going to join us for some charity vulgarity. But first, quick break for a word from our sponsor, My Sheets Rock. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heath Enright. Is your co-host gone for the week getting oral surgery? Has his absence resulted in the shared bed slumber party he never lets you have? Well, then you're going to need MySheetsRock. See, I'm a warm sleeper. And I'm a cool sleeper. But luckily, MySheetsRock created the regulator sheets,

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the holy grail of sheeting. This miracle material transfers body heat two times more effectively than regular sheets and reduces humidity by 50%. So you can experience your best night's sleep yet. That is unless you're stuck with Eli's vegan Chinese food and mango nectar farting. Okay. So yours smells amazing. You made Loki pass out. He was going to pass out anyways. He has diabetes. He's a very sick cat. Moving on, moving on. My sheets rock Rock sent us a set of sheets to try, and they are my favorite. Yeah, I ended up buying an extra set. Don't believe us? Their five-star customer reviews speak for themselves.

Plus, they offer a 90-day risk-free trial and free shipping and returns. Check out My Sheets Rock at mysheetsrock.com slash scathing and enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's mysheetsrock.com slash scathing and enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's MySheetsRock.com slash scathing, code scathing, because some pillow fights are more violent than others. You put a gun in yours. Irrelevant. There's no rule about that. Although I never set out to do so, it seems the unintentional theme of my adulthood has been to make every teacher and school administrator who ever said no you'll never find a job that pays you to x wrong and on that note we're going to kick off part 24 of our 10-part series of insults known as 2019's vulgarity for

charity yep and that means it's time to welcome back our partners in malevolent magnanimity tom and cecil from the cognitive dissonance podcast jets welcome back our partners in malevolent magnanimity, Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast. Gents, welcome back. Remember 2019, guys? That was so nice. Right? 2019 was so nice. No, it wasn't.

Donald Trump was president. We're still doing this. How are we still doing this? How is this not done yet? People want heat to roast their dogs. All right, Eli, so you're up first. Josh would like a roast for his ex-stepfather, Randy. Ooh, start with a fun one, why don't you?

So this guy is currently in jail for being a pedophile. Jesus, a lot? Yeah, where Josh luckily sent him, so good on Josh. So hopefully he looks like a COVID patient. Josh couldn't even find a picture of Randy because he's been blasted from the face of the earth like the enemy of an ancient Persian king

which is great but Josh did include a picture of his sister who Josh assures us looks exactly like Randy and covered up for him when he was convicted so if that's the case Randy looks like Mike Lindell trying to escape a mob boss dressed as a lady.

He's starring in Some Like It Not At All Hot. All right, Heath, Mark would like you to roast Deacon Yawasup from Israel United in Christ. Yeah, okay. That's the black Hebrew Israelites. Oh, all right. The completed black people is what they are. God.

And they believe slavery is justified if you're one of the original 12 tribes of Israel. Nice. So, they believe slavery is justified. Yep.

The end of that sentence is just a distractor on the bar exam. They believe slavery is at least sometimes justified. So, I looked up Deacon Yawasa on Google Images, and here's what I learned. Every day before work,

he picks one of two formal outfits, so people take him seriously. Geisha from the future, or bodyguard for an ancient Roman candy mascot. It's one of the two. Every day. And Noah, you're up next.

Chris would like a roast for Maryland U.S. Congressman Andy Harris. Yeah, the one Republican congressman from Maryland, and you got him, Chris. What's more, you just keep getting him over and over again. This asshole opposes COVID restrictions.

He uses his MD to justify it, but he's a fucking anesthesiologist, so it's not a hell of a lot more relevant than Eli's BA in pottery appreciation or whatever. He's also endorsed Trump's bullshit stolen election narrative and voted present on a bill

to denounce the QAnon conspiracy theory. Now, that's just a small taste of the terrible shit that he's done since Chris sent us this request. Wow. Yeah, I guess back when Chris sent the thing, he had to settle for hating him for opposing Medicaid expansion, voting against raising the debt ceiling, opposing cannabis legalization,

failing to disclose all his spousal sources of income, opposing net neutrality, and endorsing Roy Moore. Roy Moore. Oh, and also looking like somebody who's perpetually way too chatty about the great new underwear they just got. Next up, Cecil, Neil would like you to roast them. Okay, before I start, Neil dresses better,

has a better beard, and can make a photo more interesting than anyone else on this cast. So this is going to be a tough roast. Wasn't that high of a bar if we're being fair? No. That's actually a roast. Just so you know.

Neil, you look like a guy in a science apocalypse movie that has to make a midnight sweaty face everything is out of control phone call to the white guy

that plays the main scientist. Like if you worked at a fictional Fermilab, they would make you wear a red lab coat because you're dying in act one. In the credits, you played Neil deGrasse Tyson, but Neil is spelled with two E's.

All right. And Tom, Jacob would like you to roast parents who back up their kids' shitty behavior. Okay. I will never understand this exactly. Kids are just wrong. They're wrong about everything. That's why they're kids. We have to teach them to not be wrong about stuff.

Otherwise, every adult you meet would go through their lives just dropping things wherever they stand, shitting in their pants or walking out the door without once just shutting the fucking door behind them. What is so hard about that? can't you see the goddamn door you just walked through the door you oblivious little asshole tom's the angriest real dad nobody would make dinner or clean anything or go to work kids are the worst and parents who are so in love with their little untamed hell beasts and are blind to this are not raising happy successful well adjusted people they are raising that

asshole at the club who throws his drink in the bartender's face because they put too many ice cubes in it that guy's going to sleep though it's so fun you shine your flashlight at the bouncer. He's asleep five seconds later.

Love it. All right, Cecil, with your upcoming move, I've got a perfect one for you here. Elizabeth would like a roast of her property manager, who is ironically named Hope. Hope, the last thing I want to see when I want to complain that the elevator is out is your Snapchat filter. Yes, I know you're not a cat. Stop telling me you're a cat. Can you do something with the guy down the

hall that clearly has a house full of lit tiki torches full of skunk weed that he burns every evening at 5 p.m.? Like maybe do your fucking job. And I don't give a fuck if I'm interrupting you in the 76th level of Candy Crush. That shit can wait if I have a catastrophic leak, lady. Come on. Alright, Noah. Let me return the favor. Nasir would like a roast of Albuquerque City Council member Cynthia Borrego?

I have never seen somebody look more like a goddamn Disney villain in the picture that they chose. I get how you can crop some out of context video or a photo of somebody like doing a fiery speech or at a funeral or something and and make them look all evil as fuck but but nasser sent us this picture where that like she chose for her albuquerque city council profile page and there is no way she's not plotting revenge against something fuzzy in that photograph

as they snapped it. Alright, so Heath, I got a little nostalgia for you. Timothy would like you to roast Donald Trump's ass. Okay, like roast Donald Trump or specifically his posterior? The latter, the posterior. Okay, okay. Donald Trump's

ass has had more things pulled out of it than a climate change agreement. Metaphors are way too generous. Just think about what literally traverses Donald Trump's colon every day. Oh, pass. Every day. His regular order at McDonald's is two Big Macs

and two filet of fish. Holy shit. Wait, are you serious? Christ. And his ass is handling the waste products of that. His ass touches the bad parts of Big Macs and fillet of fish every day. And the good parts are the rest of his body. He's made of that.

Right? And it's made of the good parts. Yeah, exactly. Nasty. All right, Eli, I got a little atheism shit stirring here. That means you're up. Sarah would like you to roast

the directors of the atheist community of Polk County herself and Keith. Oh, I love Sarah and Keith. So fun fact, Sarah emceed the Florida Freethought Conference back in the day, which, believe it or not, did not just include Sarah and Keith.

But that doesn't mean that she doesn't look like the teacher who got Miss Frizzle fired. So Sarah, be honest. She looks like an elementary school band teacher who really wants to go shot for shot with her students at graduation. I'm pumped about it. And Keith, Keith looks like he's about to unveil a new flavor of gusher and a commercial from the 90s like i get it keith you're going for hardcore but you definitely are about to push a button on the fruitinator my friend deacon yasawa is going to be your bodyguard yeah exactly keith looks like he hangs out at the guitar center waiting to show someone how it's done on the key time and thomas would like you to roast his buddy scott jesus christ scott lost 140 pounds wow

this year what wow 140 pounds in a year how is that even possible scott that's almost 12 pounds a month jesus i mean kudos to you and I mean that as someone who has lost a lot of weight in his life, but that's 42,000 less calories every month. Did you take up a daily marathon running routine? Did you have parts of you perhaps amputated? 140 pounds is an achievement, Scott. And I hope that you keep it off. And I'm sure you're a great guy. And I am not just saying that because now I'm scared that if I don't, you will unhinge your jaw and devour us all. Seriously, congratulations.

Yeah, it's amazing. It's fucking amazing. You lost an end right. Yeah. All right. So let's mix things up for the next round and pull this roast train into impersonation station. First up, Heath, Paul and Melissa would like you to roast the Wiggles, but I'd like you to do it as Eli.

Oh, I get it. I get it. Well, Are you fucking kidding me, bro? I'm Maki Mak. Cecil. Cecil. Sklanskla Sklanskla Sklanskla Melania Melania Trump That was Melania Trump Are you fucking kidding me, bro? I'm Maki Mak Cecil Cecil

Carry this fucking segment By yelling from far away Carry this segment for me Yell from far away So it's funny Yell from far away The Wiggles Want

To fuck John Binet I need to be cut off here By a high-staff character Or else my thing doesn't work want to fuck John Binet. I need to be cut off here by a high-staff character or else my thing doesn't work. Somebody has to be a straight man or my thing doesn't work. Mango nectar. Blood poo. If the joke's end, it's just me in reality.

Blood poo. Blood poo. For the record, you were supposed to roast the Wiggles. That's so mean. That's the meanest thing I've ever heard. Poor child band. Wiggles is stupid. Nailed it. Ouch. I don't know that I like this segment, guys.

Can we stop? Very hurdy. Alright, Noah, you're next. Mark would like a roast of Rand Hall. Great job, Mark. And we're going to have you, Noah, do it as Cecil. I'm just taking the headphones off for this.

Okay, but don't worry about it because we've already established on this show that I can't do impressions. And Cecil's only distinguishing characteristic is jogging anyway. So what am I supposed to do? I'm just going to do this roast out of breath? And in a similar vein, Rand Paul belongs on the back end of the insult, not the front. Like, if I want to, like, make fun of something else, I compare it to Rand Paul. X is like Rand Paul fucked Y. X looks like Rand Paul got stung by a Y.

Like that kind of shit. So having failed at both ends of this assignment, I'm just going to pretend it was Tom's job and blame him. See, I worked out a Cecil impression eventually. You got there. it's true all right cecil it's only fair to give you a chance at revenge here george would like a roast of his friend juliet and go ahead and do it as me okay all right i'm gonna try it man that's great you got him you got it look juliet juliet seems like a beautiful and intelligent young lady and i don't have a lot to say about her looks or her demeanor, but holy shit, Juliet, have you seen these boyfriends of yours? I mean, I get hanging out with losers to make you look good.

I do that every week on The Scathing Atheist. But wow, one of these guys look like someone who will literally sleep on your couch until you move one day and don't tell him. That's for you, Heath. And the other looks like somebody stepped in a baseball-sized piece of used bubble gum, then on a rat, then pried that off the bottom of their shoe, and then paid for it to go to NYU. That's for you, Eli. NYU made sure it wasn't me.

All right, Eli, you're up next. Brandy would like a roast of her former boss, Martina, and I'd like you to do it as Tom. All right. martina and i'd like you to do it as tom all right uh yeah so martina is a former model who brings up the lord for no reason and fired brandy for not being a good fit for the team i.e not participating in the group prayers oh wow yeah so here we go uh tom roast martina is a nothing. An empty vessel in an old museum with a broken sign that once cleared of dust has no inscription. People forget Martina's name like an unlabeled face in an old yearbook in an old library in a town named Regret.

And she knows. She knows it is the soul she lacks, like the drink of water missing from a dying man's lips on a gallows of her own mediocrity. And when she dies, she will stare into the dusty winds of her own incompetence, flesh stripped from her bones by time and the hatred she has brought on herself,

and will only form the notes of regret to the song of her that no one will ever hear. Like a tree that falls in the forest, no one will care. That's so beautiful. It's perfect. Frame that one, Tom.

It's so beautiful. It's perfect. It's perfect. Alright, Tom, so you'll be doing your roast as Heath, so of course you're going to be roasting a dog, specifically Ben's service dog, Calico. Okay, well, let me see if I can see

the dog from way up here. Because I'm tall. And that's the thing you guys know about me. How am I supposed to roast Calico? Why do you make me do the dog thing? Okay, no, I can't do it. Calico's a good girl. Yes, she is.

She looks so soft. I would totally service that dog. She is a good girl, though. Not the last one. This is like a stepsister almost. All right. That's not... I'm not getting into it.

You're going to pull me into it. I'm not getting into it. All right, so we've got one last impression before it's all over. Eli, how about a roast for Zach's friends, Rachel and Paul, as your French guy character? Oh, hello, Rachel and Paul. Perhaps you think you are hard to roast because you are both so very attractive. Mais non, mon frère. For I, a typical French gentleman, know perverts when I see them.

And so does everybody else. You are both very clearly wearing matching butt plugs in this photo. And you're pas de deux, you fool no one in the world otherwise. You also both appear to have picked your haircuts off a wall of supercuts.

Though Paul seems to have accidentally pointed at one of the barber brushes. And Cecil, Michelle would like you to roast none other than Paula fucking White. Amazing. Good job, Michelle.

Paula White is the platonic ideal of a Karen. She is such a Karen that she got mad at 81.2 million people and threw a public tantrum where she looks like she's jerking off an imaginary horse for 10 straight minutes and stroke and stroke and stroke until you have victory and stroke. The best part is that in her mind, when she complained to God about 81.2 million votes, she literally thought she was

talking to their manager all right noah john would like a then and now style roast from you yeah right now apparently he thought i'd sympathize since i'm almost his age but since i age with paul rudarian immutability and still look the same as I did in college, I can only measure time by looking at pictures like John's. That's so wrong. Holy shit. We're almost the same age, dude. What the fuck happened to you? I mean, I know you weren't falling from some great height, but at least back in the day, you, like a roadie that occasionally got mistaken for the bassist, right?

Now you look like somebody who just, just like shit right for the first time in a week at the end of the Metamucil commercial. John, time isn't kind to any of us, but it has it out for your ass. All right. So Heath Thomas would like you to roast his coworker, Micah. All right. So apparently Micah tries to look

smart to everybody by using fancy words to replace super simple words like yes. He uses fancy words for yes. What the fuck, your face? Actual smart people subtract IQ when they hear people do that. Just to get to your appearance

there, you look like an activist for tucked in shirts. Like a like an activist for tucked in shirts. Like a really nice Dutch activist for tucked in shirts. All right. So, Tom, IG would like you to roast their friend's ex-worker, Tim. All right. Tim is so afraid of the dick he craves. Nobody, I mean, nobody is that into gay blood lube fantasies unless they are absolutely mind-crushingly terrified of how much they want the D.

And Tim wants that D. He dreams about it and he hates himself almost as much as he craves that big throbbing dong. Almost. And this is the part where people would say, oh, isn't that sad that he can't just love himself? No, it's not sad. Fuck Tim. Fuck him with his own internalized hate and fuck him with the shit he spews out into the world. Tim is the reason that he hates himself and he's at fault because it stops being something that happened to you when you're the one doing it to others. So fuck Tim. Fuck him hard and fuck him long and fuck him with that dick he longs for so much. Fuck him with that tree that fell in the woods that nobody could hear.

Body bereft of soul and his flesh torn. I'll be chasing that. Every, okay, fine. Just can't show me up. It's my thing. Okay, Noah, got a special request for you here. Nikki would like you to roast cigarettes. Yeah, pretty sure this is neither the first nor the second time I've been called upon

to give this particular roast, but I think I can handle it. Cigarettes, I am less than two weeks away from 500 days since we broke up. Nice work. Thank you. Cigarettes. Why are you still calling? It's over. It's fucking, I haven't rethought it.

I'm not gonna rethink it. I'm not interested. You're not better. I'm not worse. I don't miss you. At this point, I'm pretty sure you're legally classified as a goddamn stalker, you valueless piece of shit. That's great.

All right, so Eli, Katie would like you to roast depression. Aha, depression. Never thought you'd be defeated by a 10-month-old baby, did you? But your insistent nihilism does nothing against those chubby cheeks and arms and legs that look like someone popped a tin full of Pillsbury biscuits. You have no power here, depression, you boring post-modern

problem of a chemical imbalance. You are not me and you never were. Sorry, what's that? Oh, you brought your friend anxiety with you. He wants me to check the monitor in my son's room just to make sure the room isn't too hot or cold or

humid or arid every four minutes for the rest of my life. Okay. We can do that. All right, Heath. Another one here for you. James would like a roast of Rocky's Dog Boudica. Okay. Quick tangent before I get of Rocky's Dog Boudicca. Okay.

Quick tangent before I get to Rocky's Dog. We have a Google Doc with all the roast emails all together. And the one right above this one, so I saw it, it has a picture of James Lindsay trying to do a karate pose. What? It does. No. It's so stupid.

And it's definitely Aikido specifically. So I spent most of the last hour just picturing any real martial arts person just walking up to James Lindsay and punching him in the face. Fun hour if anybody's feeling down, just do that. Okay, Rocky's dog, Bottica. Nope, actually first Rocky because we got a picture, Rocky's in it. Rocky is definitely telling his dog about how much he squatted during leg day that agressively doesn't care could not care less botica looks like her face is having a very

severe allergic reaction to hearing about leg day and the blockchain every day. All right, so Cecil, Robert would like a roast of himself. So Rob is a cop. He's doing the classic cop pose behind his high-speed pursuit minivan there. Does your tiny Texas town buy their cop cars used from Avis? You look like someone playing GTA 4 with the graphics setting all the way down really far.

You look like you were such a small part in the video game plot, someone just stretched a 2D photo over your 3D model. The only bit of fame you're going to get is being in the credits as small-time cop from Texas or chili con carne fife

it's like barney all right so tom pamela would like you to roast her husband mark oh pamela you thought this would be a challenge why why would it be a challenge because mark seems like a genuinely kind-hearted and honest and brilliant man? You think that's going to stop me from just shitting all over him? No, Pamela. That's cute. Fuck Mark. Mark is the kind of guy everyone looks up to because that's what he needs. He needs the adoration and the attention because without it, Mark would have just Mark.

And without someone else, some cause, some student, a rescue dog, or something to focus on, Mark would only have himself. Mark's whole self is a shield, a front, an act. He is a defense mechanism that he is himself desperate to maintain. Without the veneer of his selflessness and decency, Mark would have nothing to show for his time, and that's what he needs. The show. Mark would have nothing to show for his time and that's what he needs the show because he is afraid of time of its maddeningly inexorable march

he feels the pressure to produce good work because he knows that without them the world will forget to see him just as he so studiously avoids seeing himself also what the fuck Mark just become a patron what are you still waiting for man alright so let's wrap things up tonight with a round for our high rollers these folks chipped in big what are you still waiting for? All right.

So let's wrap things up tonight with a round for our high rollers. These folks chipped in big. So let's go all in on the people that pissed them off. We're going to start with Tucker who wants a full court roasting of Mormon leaders,

Dallin Oaks, Rusty Nelson, Joe Werthlin, and Jeff Holland. All right. So first of all, Tucker requested a roast specifically from the uncles,

Mark, Doug, and Dan. Oh. So I guess we should make sure we do these as if we're very knowledgeable about Mormon history and, you know, do them cutting yet somehow endearing and with more talent than we normally have. I don't know about that. But no, no, we're not doing that. Deal with it. I'm going to start with Dallin Oaks, who looks like he's not just the president of Keebler Hospice. He's also a member.

Russell Nelson looks like he has a really neat, priceless antique he wants to sell you from his Needful Things store. Either that or he really wants to take you to the back room and check out his latest Hellraiser cube. It looks like he wanted like a face transplant, but all they could find was a partially used sausage casing. And he just used that instead.

Alright, well if we're going in order, that leaves me Joe Werthlin, who looks like he's fucking dead. He does. He's dead. He's dead. This didn't happen since this was sent in or anything. The motherfucker died in 2008. Of course, I can't imagine he looks a hell of a lot different now than he did back in 2008.

I mean, honestly, if this motherfucker never stood at a bridge flagging down passing motorists and asking them three riddles, he just wasn't taking full advantage of his visage. All right. Dallin Oaks. No, that sounds like a shitty 70s folk cover band. Dallin Oaks. No, that sounds like a shitty 70s folk cover band. Dallin Oaks. Doesn't it? Yeah.

Dallin Oaks actually sounds like the name for a shitty rehab facility you sent your meth head cousin to because you didn't want to spend the money on the good rehab. I go to Dallin Oaks. Dallin Oaks looks like James Carville. And that's gross because James Carville looks like Dallin Oaks. They're both hideous. That's what I'm saying. They're fucking hideous. Oh, and Dallin,

God isn't like talking to you because if there were a God and he were talking to you, he'd be telling you to get the fuck out of that weird cult, you goddamn freak. Okay, that leaves me

with Jeff Holland and podcast listener. I know this is not a visual medium, but you 100% have to Google Jeff Holland Mormon because the picture that Google.com brings up that's in his box, it's in his Wikipedia box, is all the roasts you ever fucking need. Either the algorithm of Google now understands I only Google religious people to roast them or they have learned to distill a personality into a Google image search. He looks like he can't believe

Mrs. Finnegan's fourth grade class is going to waste a perfectly good hamster by not fucking it to death. Alright, so Alicia would like me, Tom, and Eli to roast her ex-husband Matthew. Oh, cool, cool, cool. Me and Cecil, we're just going to go fuck ourselves. Yeah.

Thanks, Alicia. Whenever we learn about an abusive piece of shit like Matthew, there's always been a part of me that would much rather just kick their ass, and oh my god, I've never been a part of me that would much rather just kick their ass, and oh my god, I've never been so sure of an ass I could kick than Matthew's. Look, I'm no gladiator,

my friends, but I'm pretty sure I could tell my 10-month-old there are blueberry puffs inside Matthew's ribcage and nature would take its course. He looks like the barista in a coffee shop that provides each customer a jar of their own farts to sniff while they drink.

What? All right, so I've actually kind of been looking forward to this one because Alicia's fucking great. We've known her for years, and she is such a kind, generous, and humorful person. And if I had to put up with the hell that she has been through because of this worthless piece of shit,

I would be none of those things. Alicia? Yes, indeed. Alicia. He is one of those people who's so entirely meritless and bland and shitty that you're almost impressed that he manages to maintain his narcissism. Right? You just look at him and you're like, just really? You?

I just, I didn't, I would have never. So you figure like that's where eyes are just supposed to fit into the head there then. It's a good thing for you. Ears are supposed to point that way. All right. What did you say, man? Are you negging him? We got a lot of detail on this one. and I learned that Matthew put Alicia on a sex schedule.

What? Which sounded like the least sexy thing ever, except for Matthew. Yeah. That's actually the least sexy thing ever. But we've done a lot of roasts of a lot of exes and like just some really awful people, but nobody else has ever used the verb comply

to describe their sex life. And Matthew, here's a tip. If someone is complying, no, they're not. Nope. Nope. And Matthew, your needs do not need to be fulfilled. That's not a thing. You don't have needs. You have desires. Needs are things like food and shelter. Sex isn't a need. It's not something someone owes you. What I'm saying is if you have to sell it that hard, take the hint that you're not worth buying. Okay? It's no wonder Alicia

left you years ago. The wonder is she didn't leave you at the altar. Alright, so I got one for Eli and Cecil. Ike and a class, Ike and a class would like you to would like the two of you to chat like best friends. We're not doing this. I'm not going to do it. I. We're not doing this. This is amazing.

I'm not going to do it. I'm just going to read it. Hey, you know what? Hey, you know what? You did a great impression of me earlier. Now, why don't you take it? There he is. Sorry, I'm late, buddy.

I had to stop and get this. You found it. I sure did. After the last one got dented at the last sword event we went to together, I thought, no way am I sending him to the Gulf War with a dent in his helmet. You're the best, Eli. Oh, no, you are. I can't believe we're facing each other in the championship after we tied in our match last week. Don't expect me to go easy on you, buddy.

Don't expect me to go easy on you, buddy. Don't expect me to go easy on you. Gentlemen, are you ready to order? Yes, Tom. We'll take two tomato juices with just one ice cube or we'll send it back. Very good. The most insulting part there is that you'd think we'd tie in a sword fight.

Are you kidding me? Why was I a waiter? Why was I even in this game? All right. Another one for all of us here. Chris would like a host of Confederate flag supporters. He wants me to take on my neighbors. Everybody's going to tag it, but I'm going first.

The Confederate flag really is the used jock of American history it's a smelly piece of cloth that belongs as close as possible to the taint it supports the part of the USA that are sagging hairy gross and definitely the most fragile well done sir

I had a trapper keeper that lasted longer than the confederate I've had erections last longer. I had a piss jar next to my bed that lasted longer than the Confederacy. And I never put a flag for my piss jar on the back of my car and drove around with it. But if I did, that jar never fought a war in favor of slavery. That piss jar flag would be way more reasonable than a Confederate flag in every context. See, the thing is, I, for one, love Confederate flags.

Unironically, I do. I love that flag. If you want to know, do the hills around me have eyes? It's nice to know there's a flag right out in the open to tell you. It's good. But I get it. For a teeny little flash in the open to tell you. It's good. But I get it. For a teeny little flash in the historical record, people like you were relevant.

I mean, they were relevant in so much as they were causing unprecedented amounts of deaths to slightly forestall something that was both inevitable and a moral imperative. But for just a minute, it seemed like you might eventually matter. And then you didn't. I guess I would be better. I can see how you got better. Confederate flag supporters look like far side cartoon hillbillies.

You look like you've never been to a wedding that wasn't in an Elks club. All right. So next up, we need a roast for people who misgender Rich, who I believe we met at the London live show and QED. Yeah. Hi, Rich. And to everyone who misgendered Rich, who I believe we met at the London Live show and QED. Yeah. Hi, Rich. And to everyone who misgendered Rich, if you ever meet me, you better make sure your Aikido is way better than James fucking Lindsay's Aikido.

Because I will probably have Tom and Cecil with me and they will be drunk. People that misgender Rich just want attention for being that kind of asshole so no i won't give him that attention okay so people who misgender rich and people who misgender any damn buddy and then do anything but apologize and feel like an asshole for the rest of the day you're like if using the wrong form of your head of victim right other than me like so like as much as that like every fiber of my being bristles at their confusion or whatever, I'm trying my best to tamp down on that amid the realization that it's kind of elitist and I'm privileged to have as good of an education as I do.

But that part of me still really wants out. It wants a target. Don't volunteer to be that target, you stupid fuck. People who misgender rich go sit in the corner with the people who think Beatles are overrated and white chocolate

is the best chocolate. You're wrong about all the things you don't deserve to be right. It's not even chocolate. Butter. And, fellas, you should just get on to writing your book,

you know, that book of yours. How to be really fucking boring in one easy step. Just one step. clean your room and sound like red rock lobster fight captain america all right and finally derrick would like us to roast people who didn't donate this year or last year or about two years ago now two years yeah don't even worry about it, guys. People were doing fine over the last year.

And apparently you would have had to wait a year and a half to get mentioned on our world famous podcast, so it wasn't even worth helping the people. You wouldn't have gotten your prize right away. But definitely donate next time. We're going to have a much better system for incentivizing

basic human decency with a podcast based. Maybe next time. Look, we can't make you care about people. If we could, there'd be no Republicans. I guess what I'm saying is people who didn't donate are Republicans. No, no, it's fine. Look, I'm sure somebody else can handle it for you. They can do your part.

You know, we're just over here trying to think of a 37th way to call a dog an asshole. But I see how chipping in a few bucks seem like that might be too much trouble. I get it. Okay, I get it. You're saving up for your donation for 2021. Cool. Lots of people need it. But if we're expecting you to donate what you saved plus the interest you got off that GameStop stock you bought at $30 a share. And if you bought it at $300 a share,

you can go to modestneeds.org. You selfish sons of bitches. You sit here for two years. We gave you two years as we listed the names and good deeds of your fellow podcast listener and you did nothing for shame. Well, you will have a chance to make it up to us, but more importantly, you'll have a chance to make it up to Keith from Modest Needs, who we love and who I will give many,

many gentle kisses to this November. Caliente. He's not going to do the skit with you if you write it in. He does not going to do the skit with you if you write it in. He does not want to do a skit with me. No. No. As someone who just did one.

No. All right. So with that reminder that the inbox won't be clear long before we fill it up again, we're going to wrap the segment there. Tom Cecil, thanks again, guys. Thanks for having us, buddy.

Thanks for having us. That's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show,

The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday. And an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer, newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed,

debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. I want to thank No Illusions for teaching us that all it takes for him to take a week off is for a dude to literally pull the teeth from his skull. I want to thank Heath and Rife for pretending I'd do a great job on the edit, but then offering to do it just to save us time. And of course, I want to thank Tom and Cecil for continuing to vulgaritize for charitize with us. You can check out their show, Cognitive Dissonance, for even more funny on the fly. I also want to thank whoever provided the Farnsworth quote this week, but he's doing the edit, so I don't know who you are. Hopefully you introduced yourself. But most of all, of course, big thanks to our brand new patrons this week who will be complimented next week when Noah is back.

If you'd like to prevent my baby from starving, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathing atheist dot com. And if you'd like to help, but you swore to never financially support a baby, you can help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts and telling your friends about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com Gotta listen to that Taylor Swift song about never ever getting back together before you quit smoking. There you go.

Was that Taylor Swift? I think it was Taylor Swift. No idea. Billy Joel. Fuck. That was insane. Cultural touchstone that ushered in the 80s and 90s. That's a call forward. Call forward to

I like to remember we used to fire all the time. Sideways diagonal. Cut that, Morgan. Morgan absolutely. It's great. Cut that, Morgan. Morgan, absolutely do not cut that. Cut that,

Morgan. Damn. Listen to me. Yeah, but don't cut that. All right. The preceding podcast was a production of

Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.