The Scathing Atheist - 430: Jenner-al Election Edition

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

In this week’s episode, Caitlyn Jenner’s existence defeats the bigotry war games computer, Joe Biden persecutes Christianity with a National Day of Prayer, and the GOP will look at the lighter side of human trafficking. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Anti-Trans Christians Can’t Decide if They Support Caitlyn Jenner for Governor: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/09/anti-trans-christians-cant-decide-if-they-support-caitlyn-jenner-for-governor/ German priests to defy Catholic Church and bless same sex marriages: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/10/german-priests-plan-to-defy-the-catholic-church-and-bless-same-sex-unions/ Christian Hate-Preacher: The Pope is the “Biggest Pedophile on the Planet”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/10/christian-hate-preacher-the-pope-is-the-biggest-pedophile-on-the-planet/ Conservatives are mad because Biden's "Day of Prayer" proclamation wasn't religious enough: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/07/conservatives-biden-wasnt-religious-enough-in-his-day-of-prayer-proclamation/ Indian Doctors: “Cow Shit Can’t Cure COVID”: https://www.independent.co.uk/asia/india/india-covid-cow-dung-cure-b1845507.html Louisiana GOP leader defends "good" side of slavery by pointing to the Bible: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/02/louisiana-republican-leader-defends-good-side-of-slavery-by-pointing-to-bible/

Warning, the following podcast has been rated R for strong language, partial nudity, and mild drug use. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Gabby, Stamps.com, ZipRecruiter, and by the new website for people named Frank who are in possession of a peach, FranksPeach.com. Totally different website than FranksSpeech.com, though. I sure hope there's no confusion, my pillow guy. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, though. I sure hope there's no confusion, my pillow guy. And now, the scathing atheist. Hi, I'm Andy from Los Angeles, and I'm a three-time cancer survivor.

I was healed miraculously by an ancient Jew, and his name was Peter Rosen, M.D., who did assure me that we evolved from filthy, filthy, filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's May 13th. And if you looked up during the Ascension, did you see Jesus' balls? That's an important question, actually. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Mediterranean Avenues, New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State, andtown, Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist.

Oh, and this week's episode, Caitlyn Jenner's existence defeats the bigotry war games computer. Joe Biden persecutes Christianity with a national day of prayer. And the GOP will look the lighter side of human trafficking. But first, the diribe. Well, here I am. I finally made it. Not to brag, because I know everybody hasn't been as lucky as I have, but I crossed the finish line this week.

On Monday, two weeks out from the second shot of the Moderna vaccine, I am fully inoculated. After a long 14 months isolation, I can finally go to social events, see other people, hug, be hugged, and dine out. And on behalf of all the people who find themselves in my situation i want to say god damn it i i mean look i'm glad i'm vaccinated right like i i have an old guy with all kind of feckless organs living with me and it's nice to know i can go pick up a gallon of milk without putting his life at risk but i hate social events i don't care for other people i'm not remotely a hugger.

And the nicest restaurant in this shit town is a fucking Applebee's. Yes, I'm willing to do my part for the greater goal of national health, but it was hard to give up my ready-made excuse to beg out of all events to get there. Right? I hope motherfuckers know what a sacrifice we introverts are making on this one. Of course, just because we can be roped into social events doesn't mean that we should be if you live in a shitty republican part of the country like me or if you have you know i i don't know what the big deal is family members like i do the pandemic might still

be a legitimate excuse to say no like let me give you a real world example from this past weekend where i should have done that so i get invited to this birthday party on Saturday, and I'm still a couple of days shy of the fully vaccinated mark, but it's an outdoor affair. It was a family member's first birthday since her husband died, and I was assured that everybody who was invited was going to be vaccinated. Now, this is one of those parties where it's a member of my wife's family, so I'm already the superfluous spouse.

I'm there to make it look like there are more people to celebrate her birthday i'm there to hang out kind of near the snacks and talk to people about the most anodyne bullshit i can think of all night and because i'm almost certainly going to be the only biden voting atheist there who isn't married to me anyway i'm supposed to avoid religion and politics at all costs anyway so we pull up amid a fucking herd of suvs and oversized pickups with make america great again hats on the dashboard and stop the steel stickers on the bumper and i start thinking to myself i bet they were lying about everybody being vaccinated so i grab a mask before i get out of the car needless to say lucinda and I are the only ones wearing them.

Anyway, I make a quick round to say hi to people, you know, the ones that I actually want to see. That's my niece and her daughter. And then I find a lawn chair that nobody's using. I plant my ass and I reflect on how smartphones are an introvert's best friend. But of course, before long, somebody's pulling up a chair to chat with me. It's one of those pretending to remember this guy conversations. He turned out to be like one of my sister-in-law's neighbors that I must have met at a cookout or something. And we talked about the NFL draft for a few minutes.

But then after that, I was out of sports talk and I can no longer delay the inevitable. He brings up the fact that his wife and his daughter went ahead and got vaccinated. But he's not too sure about the long-term side effects of that thing. After all, who knows what the vaccine might do to you, you know, 10 years down the road. So I say, oh, I do. None. Nothing.

Because it's a fucking vaccine and not a goddamn time capsule, you frothing-at-the-mouth idiot. What about the long-term effects of COVID-19? Jesus fucking Christ. We know those include lung damage, heart damage, liver damage, capsule you frothing at the mouth idiot what about the long-term effects of covid19 jesus fucking christ we know those include lung damage heart damage liver damage permanent loss of basic senses and something called brain fog though i doubt you'd notice the last one but somehow between my brain and my mouth that got whittled down to huh and then i find myself in this kind of fucked up situation vis-a-vis social etiquette, right? Because my goddamn father-in-law is at this event.

The person whose birthday it is just turned 71. There are kids there, and I'm not technically all the way vaccinated at that point myself, so I feel like I should just leave. I should just say, oh, I was told everybody here was going to be vaccinated and just pick up my shit and go. I shouldn't be concerned about whether that's going to hurt anybody's feelings.

Somewhere along the line, somebody lied about the safety conditions at the event itself, and that's more than enough reason to just fuck off. But and this will be the downfall of our goddamn species. My desire not to be rude overruled my desire to keep myself and my loved ones safe. So I fucking had to write off that option. And the other option, of course, was to say all the stuff that my internal monologue was shouting at this asshole, but surely that would come off as even more rude than just leaving. The other option,

and the one that I ended up settling for, was to, you know, fake a couple of phone calls, keep myself way off in the distance in the back part of the yard, and then leave the absolute second it would be socially acceptable and it pissed me off right like i was pissed at myself for capitulating to social pressure

that easily but more than that i was pissed because i went in there without a fucking plan right i should have predicted that something like that was going to happen especially in the trumpety ass area i live in and i should have decided in advance exactly what i was going to do and of course on the drive home i formulated the exact fucking plan i should have decided in advance exactly what I was going to do. And of course, on the drive home, I formulated the exact fucking plan I should have gone in there with. And even though it's too late for me to use it in this instance, something tells me the situation is going to come up again. So and you might encounter it yourself.

So I'm going to offer it up in case it comes in handy for you. The next time somebody tells you that they didn't get the shot, they're worried about this, they're not so sure about that, whatever, just say scared of the needle. And then no matter what justification they offer, just very obviously don't believe them and go like, come on, man, you're scared of the needle. It's fine. Just admit it. Because, like, let's face it, if you meet a person offering up how unvaccinated they are,olicited odds are overwhelming that a it's a guy and b it's a guy who buys all the way into the toxic masculinity bullshit about how they

ain't supposed to be scared and nuttin and not only could this method be effective let's face it this is almost certainly true right that's why they're avoiding it nobody likes to get stuck with a fucking needle and they've got an excuse in fact you know what i'm willing to offer this strategy up on the national level if the White House wants it. I feel like Joe Biden's don't be such a sissy campaign might have legs, right? Like Biden comes out and looks straight into the camera and says, what are you, yellow? You like some whining baby at the doctor's office, scared of a fucking needle? Old ladies with diabetes do this shit to themselves, you chicken shit bastards. I feel like he does that the next day.

Goddamn Tucker Carlson is taking a shot of Pfizer in his eyeballs at primetime with the no, you are scrolling to the graphic below him. Look, logic hasn't worked on these assholes. Expertise hasn't worked on them. Sympathy for their fellow human beings hasn't moved them a fucking inch at a certain point. They've left us no choice but to kick them square in the manhood they're talking about you jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the snips and snails to my puppy dog tails heath ed right and eli bostick fellas you ready to find out what the fuck a snip

is the last time i said yes to that question i deeply regret it no okay i was heavy petting you you were fine relax all right and speaking of crossing over multiple properties it's time for a word from our first sponsor this week gabby car or home insurance company the answer is is no. Hi. Um, okay. Yeah, I'm calling about my insurance policy. So my bill seems super high. Also, what does it mean that you'll only cover boat headlights? Like, I can get boat headlights for my car?

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Go to Gabby.com slash scathing. That's G-A-B-I dot com slash scathing. Gabby.com slash scathing. That's G-A-B-I dot com slash scathing. Gabby dot com slash scathing. Great. Now, about those headlights. Do I buy them, like, on a boat? Ooh, warmer. I hate you. And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, in general election news. It's funny because of the spelling yeah if you're a patron you get scripts and see how great as the recall election of california governor gavin newsom draws closer several prominent republicans have stepped forward in hopes of grabbing the belt from atop the cage that is california politics and driving her hatchback through the competition is none other than former olympian and proof that you can be both trans and the fucking worst

caitlin jenner well uh trump only had one of the platonic virtues so i guess it's right it's reality television running throwing and jumping caitlin jenner checks all the boxes. That's just math, right? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Because if there's anyone that the bigot caucus can flock to. Well, spoilers, Nella. So there are a thousand downsides to Jenner's candidacy. She's woefully ignorant about politics. She repeats garbage anti-science opinions about trans women in sports while competing in women's sports as a woman. But there is one upside and that's california's christian bigots trying to figure out how to support slash not support her because

she has all their opinions even though she's trans yeah you can see the confusion in their stupid fucking faces just like caitlin jenner ben carson richard dawkins rachel dole is our yeah no it's a good thing christians and trump supporters can't abide contradictions between their stated opinions and actions or she'd stand a real chance so in a wonderful roundup brought to us by one news now titled if jenner is on the ballot how do you vote we heard from some of our favorite best worsts here on the scathing atheist starting with none other than hate group leader robert jeffress who said quote i can't tell people how to vote in a situation like that i think we need to call the situation with bruce jenner what it is oh jesus

gender confusion is an emotional disorder. It needs to be treated compassionately, but it needs to be treated, end quote. Okay, all right. So cosmic justice, though, Caitlyn Jenner is going to split her own vote with assholes that support her but can't bear to acknowledge her real name. Yep. They're going to write in Bruce Jenner. Yep. Shit, do i still win dr richard land of southern evangelical seminary was a bit more positive but still obviously torn calling

jenner quote a strong law and order candidate and someone who quote favors capitalism over socialism what but added so but does that overcome the fact that if we elect a transgender governor that makes transgenderism more acceptable and wow just capitalism or bigotry the sophie's choice of the gop well i just i i love that republicans can no longer even state what they're for without just naming platitudes that every politician in both parties for the last hundred years has supported right honest truth the american way yeah captain america's shield so yeah obviously a hard choice for christians in california right now looks like jeffress might explode like that bigoted version of the computer from War Games. But on the bright side, polling shows they're probably going to lose no matter who they put up.

So it's a lose-lose, win-win for all of us. Right. Cool. So, Todd, did that blanks? Did we blank out? Yeah. Normsies. Yeah.

Great. And in blessed foot forward news tonight, when Catholic priests decide not to be bigots, that's international news. Like I'm going to do a story where I'm going to pat a few Catholic priests on the back for doing the right thing. But I want to stress at the outset that for a Catholic priest, doing the right thing means not being a Catholic priest about it. And this story is going to reinforce that because the extent to which they're doing the right thing is precisely commensurate with the extent to which they're not doing what the catholic priests are supposed to do so with that in mind quick tip of the hat to a group of german priests who plan to begin blessing gay marriages on may 16th in direct defiance of the vatican dictates a little bit late but okay well right yeah as unimpressive as i decided not to be an active big it is as near as i can tell they

refrain from raping any children while making that announcement as well so like you know the curve that we grade religious leaders on they're fucking crushing it yeah they're wrecking it for everyone else good job they also did not smuggle any war criminals to Argentina during the announcement from their German Catholic priest area it's another weird win condition but i guess that's something yeah it's something you gotta meet them where they are hey german dudes if you like blessing gay marriages and not being a bigot can i recommend atheism it's uh what you're doing now but you don't have to do any paperwork you don't have to wear silly outfits yeah right you can just wear sweats and a t-shirt so yeah this story comes out of berlin where juit Reverend Jan Korditschke released a statement making it clear he and a number of other Catholic priests in Germany intended to start blessing gay unions on May 16th.

He told the Associated Press, quote, I am convinced that homosexual orientation is not bad, nor is homosexual love a sin. I want to celebrate the love of homosexuals with these blessings because the love of homosexuals is something good end quote and again i i feel like we need to stress how bare minimum this is because of course love is good right but i it's like i don't believe you are inherently evil isn't exactly a compliment but it's still a step forward for catholicism and thus worthy of praise it's every old white dad being you know he does that thing at the restaurant where he's like being actively not racist with the waiter yeah which again is a win condition for a catholic priest right but in this case there's an italian

guy in a gold dress yelling at him from another table for learning the waiter's name now of course not everybody is happy about this the priests involved acknowledged that they could see some kind of sanction from the vatican but they were thoroughly unconcerned i mean they didn't come right out and say yeah but those motherfuckers cover for child rapists but they kind of implied that. They really do. Yeah, when asked about Vatican repercussions, spokesperson for the Central Committee of German Catholics, Birgit Mock, said, quote,

things cannot continue the way they did. This is what the crimes and cover-ups of sexual abuse showed us. We need systemic changes, also regarding a reassessment of the ecclesiastical morality of sexuality. End quote. Translation, hey guys, if our moral compass included raping children but not gay dudes, I think we might need a new compass. Right.

To be clear, he didn't mean raping gay dudes. It just was confusing the way the phrasing. So at least 100 Catholic churches in Germany currently plan to participate in this bit of civil disobedience. And while the blessing won't have any official legitimacy within the church, that literally could not matter less if it fucking tried. And even if it did, it would still be imaginary to the second power. So, OK, now it's imaginary to the third power. So fucking what?

On top of that, sanctioned by the Vatican, generally speaking, makes an action less moral. Yeah. Right. So if anything anything this kind of legitimizes it yeah they're like holy wars on the list of sanctioned by the vatican right yeah exactly and in a broken lock is right twice a day news nice i'm not even willing to grant that in this case i see what you're doing're doing. Yeah, but it's a good opening. Thank you. Thank you. I found myself agreeing with Christian hate preacher Greg Locke this week. And it wasn't just because we share similarly insane and diabetes-inducing Dunkin' Donuts orders. During a sermon where he railed against Joe Biden for undoing all the great plague progress his predecessor put in place,

Locke had some unkind words for the pope this week and anybody who insults the pope however temporarily is a friend of mine okay Greg Locke should have to go fishing with you now so here's the quote I got three letters in the mail just the other day not a one of them had a return address not a one of them and all three of them were castigating me because they said, we want you to know that Joe Biden is an honorable man. Joe Biden is a

practicing Catholic. So is the Pope, but he's the biggest pedophile on the planet. Say amen right there. You tell old John boy I said so. End quote. Yeah, hard to think of any prominent Baptist in the news at the moment for pedophilia related shit so yeah yeah lots to unpack in that sentence so first of all

i did not know that pedophiles had a ranking system right uh now i know that they do didn't you big ups to pope francis i know josh duggar made a last minute run at the title there but you clinched it, Frankie. Okay, so you did know about the ranking system. Yeah. Yeah, Duggar might have better personal numbers, but the Pope has a big downline in the MLM. Right. Yes, exactly.

And he might have better personal numbers, too. It's hard to say. He wouldn't know if the Pope had better personal numbers, I don't think. Okay, but my real question is about that last bit at the end. you where he says john boy that was very confusing so i have two theories either greg lock forgot joseph biden's name possible very possible yes as hemet meta over at the friendly atheist blog postulated he thinks that the pope is still john paul ii yes i think that's right who died 15 years almost certainly that second one yes or or he thinks the waltons was a documentary about the origin story of pope francis from argentina or maybe he wanted them to tell john stamos i'm just saying it's

greg lock right let's not pretend that there has to be some reason for his words to happen. Yeah, that's fair. Either way, it's nice to find some common ground with Greg after so much back and forth on this show. Big ups to him. And hey, the leader of his movement, Jerry Falwell Sr. And now that Eli has a new snuggle buddy, sorry, Greg, you brought this on yourself. We're going to pause for a quick word from our second sponsor this week. Stamps.com. Okay. And then you bring this to Ryan Slotnick of evil drafts on Mars. Okay.

By Googling the only band called evil drafts on Mars. I was, it is to a band. It's a band. Hey, Heath, what you fighting with that pony about? Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, Eli, I was fighting with a pony. So I'm just trying to send stuff to Slotnick, and it's really difficult. Through the Pony Express? Yeah. You know, some people like to do stuff the old-fashioned way. So that's what I'm doing. Like folks who still go to the post office when they could be using Stamps.com instead.

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click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, promo code scathing. Stamps.com, never go toathing. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Alright, well it looks like I won't be needing your help after all. Heath, you know the Pony Express had a guy

on the pony, right? Oh, now you're going to tell me that? Now you're going to tell me that. There's a guy, there's a human being. What'd you say? You heard him. And we're back. Next up in headlines, it was the National Day of Prayer last week. And Joe Biden, Anna?

What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. That's right. Christians are freaking out because Joe Biden combined church and state, but he didn't smush them together hard enough for them. Biden issued an official proclamation recognizing the National Day of Prayer, but he didn't literally include the word God because he's an evil, devout catholic so freak out oan might as well start running 90 minute segments on whether or not biden puts the emphasis on both syllables of jesus

two equally at this point yeah so here's a few of the key moments from the proclamation biden started by saying throughout our history americans of many religions and right there see i'm going to stop right there that's persecution number one yeah absolutely yeah religions how dare he he continued americans of many religions and belief systems have turned to prayer for strength hope and guidance prayer has nourished countless souls and powered moral movements including essential fights against racial injustice, child labor, and infringement on the rights of disabled Americans. Child labor. Yeah.

Well, so, yeah. So, obviously, all that was a slap in the face. Yeah. No mention of all the amazing praying for white power and child slaves and better parking spots for the able to slap in the face to christianity bigotry right there and it got even worse when he quoted the notoriously godless john lewis who said human beings are the most dynamic link to the divine on this planet so again atheism that was an atheism moment about the divine. Okay, I've been thinking about it.

Technically, I am going to give him one. So prayer technically has nourished countless souls because if souls don't exist, they wouldn't require nourishment if they did. And zero is also technically countless, right? That would be another way of interpreting that word. Okay, let me give him one. It is nice of prayer to fight all the stuff funded

or downright caused by the stuff religion does. That's nice of them. Sure. So, just about everyone with a tab on Right Wing Watch had a meltdown. And of course, that includes Franklin Graham, who put a big post on Facebook, and you can

hear the panic in the text. Oh, yeah. You taste it. It was like listening to someone explain the argument that they won lost at work that you aggressively don't care about. But they're going to explain it to you. Right. Graham obviously complained about the word God not appearing. But the rest is just ranting about just Biden by law, by law has to proclaim something nice about us.

That's a law since 1952. Legal law. He freaks out. And that's actually a reference to my favorite part of Biden's proclamation. Biden said the Congress by public law 100-307, says, I have to proclaim this thing every year. Okay. There. I did it.

So, yeah, it's true. There is some kind of law in there that says something like that. So fucking dumb. Graham freaked out about it, though. But isn't it amazing, though, to watch them call themselves on their own bullshit here, right? Because, like, for decades, they have justified this obvious First Amendment violation by saying it doesn't encourage Christian prayer, just prayer in general and all kinds of people pray. And then somebody legitimately does that and they lose their fucking shit. Yeah.

It's like driving your racist mom to a black neighborhood and then just watching her panic and try and describe her surroundings. Rolling up the windows sketchy uh low income urban just don't describe it we'll just not describe the neighborhood great and just for the record i did a quick word search on biden's proclamation the word pray or prayer appears literally a dozen times out of 474 total words. Faith appears four times. Blessing appears twice. And it also includes souls, religious liberty, religious vitality,

spiritual guidance, and the divine. Oh, and literally, our Lord is in the proclamation. Really? Yeah. But that was at the end when Biden said, the year of our Lord. Oh, well, he's done. Which, to be fair, it doesn't. Biden definitely snuck it in there to be a dick.

And I love that. God's a bridezilla. It's my day. My day. It's so fucked up. Just keep that in mind. They're pissed off because he gets left out of the proclamation about him. He's in the fucking year.

Yeah. And in Dung in the Restless News tonight, a doctor somewhere in the world felt the need to say, quote, there is no concrete scientific evidence that cow dung or urine works to boost immunity against COVID-19, end quote. And he wasn't alone to know whole fucking medical associations have had to echo precisely that sentiment because as we've discussed before on this show superstitious people in rural india are pretty sure that everything that falls out of a cow is magical and now many of them are smearing themselves from head to toe with cow dung in hopes of warding off COVID-19. Yikes. Okay.

First of all, horrible situation. Not funny. But okay. It's the job. Just a small thing. I feel like you rub extra on your shins and calves and other spots. Like avoid the face. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's weird giving notes about that, but I feel like you can avoid the face. Yeah. If I'm smearing shit, I'm doing a lot of other stuff besides that's the last thing I do also no offense to the medical practitioners who are obviously they're trying their best but I feel like

if someone's rubbing cow shit on their face they're not listening to doctors no one's like okay let's see what Dr. Abud has to say one second that which you can do i guess so yeah right so i want to inject a bit of sympathy in this story like normally a story about religious people ceremonially covering themselves in excrement as like a party hats and noisemakers kind of moment here at the skating atheist but at this

particular moment given the out-of-control death tsunami that COVID is causing in India right now, I see how you get to, okay, but what if the cow shit people were right all along, right? That's terrifying. The numbers and the news footage out of that country is scary as hell. That being said, the problem isn't getting better now that people are drinking cow shit potions and applying it topically, right? and applying it topically. And this is a practice that is apparently so common that no lesser than the Indian Medical Association felt the need to issue warnings of the health risks of

smearing disease all over oneself. Okay, so again, I feel genuinely bad for these people. They're victims of religion and it's fucking tragic. But if there's a silver lining, again, this is the job. I'm trying to find something here.

Indian Gary Larson is having a great moment for the Indian Farside. Right. Some really good comics coming out with that. Also, a million people in this country just died because Uncle Frank doesn't think masks work. I'm not having a hard time picturing him drinking cow shit. Right. Well, yeah, don't look in defense of Indian superstition. him drinking cow shit right well yeah don't look in defense of indian superstition i should point out that smearing oneself with cow shit not only you know aids and social distancing but it also

it's a hell of a lot healthier than internal bleach protocols as suggested by our former president and and at least the people doing this shit have the excuse of generations of misguided tradition and you know not having a team of the world's leading experts advising them on the best courses of treatment. So, yeah, we're in no place to look down on it, I guess. Indian Tucker Carlson is just covered in cow shit on the news. Why isn't Fauci telling us the truth about cow shit? Oh, it got in my mouth. Oh, it got in my mouth.

A big drip. Give me a second. I'm Tucker Carlson. And finally tonight, the state of Louisiana is dealing with an interesting issue in its public school system. What's that, Heath?

Apparently the kids are learning too much. I figured. Their knowledge is too big. They've had complaints about how big that knowledge is. Girthy. But don't worry. Evangel evangelical Christians are working hard to solve the problem. And that's why GOP State Representative Ray Garofalo proposed a new bill that would ban the

teaching of lessons about racism or sexism. Both banned in the new bill. Wow. So what's the history of louisiana curriculum and then our state was created fully formed in 2005 2006 and then it disappeared into the void we will let you know when it emerges from the slumber yep and believe it or not i did not get to the dumbest part yet. And I'll probably have to say that again before the story's over. So Garofalo introduced HB 564 to ban learning about racism and sexism. And even his fellow Republicans had to object to that and distance themselves a little bit.

Not about willful ignorance regarding two of the worst societal problems, of course. They objected to the stifling of free speech. That was the Republican problem with his bill. But Garofalo explained, no, I totally want kids to learn about slavery. I want them to learn exact words, the good, the bad, and the ugly about slavery. Oh, pretty sure they were teaching the bad and the ugly about slavery oh pretty sure they were teaching the bad and the ugly my dude yeah i've already had that so sure did what are we adding then great question so

luckily for humanity at least one other person heard it who was at that meeting state rep stephanie hilferty jumped in and said sorry um the good in slavery was that your last sentence did you say that so garofalo was like okay and he backpedaled and he explained he was just using a figure of speech which is okay it's probably true he's just an idiot well if only he'd have more lessons on racism or figures of speech. But this led to some stories in the news about his giant gaffe. He did say out loud the good in slavery. And Hilferty went on CNN to complain about the clickbaity headlines. So fine, she's a Republican, too. She didn't like the clickbait thing. But like I said before, I still haven't reached the dumbest part of the story.

So in response to Hilferty's appearance the president of the women's republican club of new orleans martha huckabay made the following post quote what is stephanie hilferty doing here why is she trying to trap a republican and twist his words how does she 100% know there is no good in slavery if none of us were around during slavery? What? Weren't some slaves treated really well? They were slaves. I know in the Bible they were. End real exact quote from a Republican leader.

All right. So by that same, if we weren't there to see it, it could be anything logic. How do we know that Martha Huckabee wasn't created when a sad wizard fucked a weak old jack-o'-lantern? I have photographic evidence of mine. We do not know that. But based on her opinion's name and appearance, she's like someone bought Sarah Huckabee Sanders on Wish. So maybe she's like the Wish version Sarah Huckabee Sanders. By the way, I still Have not reached the dumbest part

Still! Here it is, yes It's gonna get dumber Martha Huckabee made a follow up Post about the Underrated slave experience That she knows about from the Bible Quote, if you've read your Bible You would know that

Many of the slaves loved Their masters And their masters loved them sick did an incredible railroad system created under horrible slavery conditions and hard-working ethics develop sick what did generations of beautiful life come from those who were sold into slavery from africa and sold by africans make america the beautiful divers culture it is today sick and oh my god just for the record there was a heart eyes emoji there after the word beautiful oh jesus christ continuing was it true that some slaves never wanted to leave their plantation

because it had become their home were some slaves treated with love and respect if so is this the good part he was referring to sick sick sick sick and oh god i want martha to defend all my political enemies from now on. Two fucking votes. God damn it. Louisiana gets two senators. Two. Okay, there was the dumbest part. That was bad, everybody.

All right, well, we've reached that intellectual nadir that tells me the headlines are done for the night. So, Heath, Eli, thanks as always. To Bonji. And when we come back, we're going to really earn that explicit tag. Ooh, how about Dr. Doom? I mean, angry, but like, where's the charm? What? He runs a whole country. Hey, fellas, what you doing?

Oh, hey, Noah, We were just finding your replacement. My replacement? Yeah, you know, with you having extensive surgeries the past couple of weeks. Yeah, and in the coming weeks. And in the coming weeks. So we just need to be prepared for the worst. That's all. Well, thank you for your confidence in my well-being. You're welcome.

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I can throw pumpkins. The word insult comes from the Latin insultere, which means to leap on. So if you think about it, the victims of this week's Bulgarity for Charity roasts could have had it a hell of a lot worse if we were being literal. And with that in mind, we're going to start off with this one for Eli. Sarah would like a roast of governor kevin stitt hey kevin stitt looks like he's hosting the finale of an action movie about caterpillars on his forehead like both caterpillars are john woo diving at each other two guns in each hand and then he had his picture taken that's that's kevin's day all right well done and he eric would like you to roast their ex james and make it a good one because apropos of nothing eric was our 666th donor okay cool and uh according to eric james is a six foot six body obsessed trump supporting white supremacist blue Blue Lives Matter, Aryan alcoholic.

So kind of did my job for me there. I'll just add that James is pretty much exactly me if my college experience wasn't four years of smart people beating the bad ideas out of me. And assuming body obsessed is about how many pizzas you can eat competitively. There it is. Point being, cishet white guys who don't get beat up

for four years minimum are the worst. Also, he's six foot six. That's gross. That's too tall. Right? Disgusting.

Having personality, don't just be the tall guy. Exactly. All right, Noah. I've got one for you here. Beth would like you to roast the developers of the Hard Rock Hotel.

Yeah. Right. Yeah, right. Some of you may have forgotten this one because so much big news got subsumed by other big news in 2019. But the Hard Rock Hotel was an aspirational building in New Orleans that partially collapsed in October of 2019 right after workers started posting the like, this flimsy motherfucker's gonna

partially collapse videos on YouTube. So apparently the folks at Hard Rock make hotels the same way they make their sandwiches. Overpriced, under-made, and held together with fucking toothpicks. Alright, so Heath, I got one for you. Del would like a roast of the Cognitive Dissonance podcast because

they're not as good as secular soup. Hi, Del. Del's the best. Okay, so I hate to reject the premise of a roast, but Cognizant is fantastic. I mean, just listen to all the laughing and you'll know it's the best podcast out there. Just measure it.

Right, yeah, exactly. That being said, Del mentioned that Secular Soup has dick bowls. I have no idea what that means, but my curiosity is piqued, and apparently Eli does know what that means. Eli, do you want to explain about the dick bowls? I already asked you if you wanted a dick bowl. Don't act like you want one now

while we're on the air. I sent you a dozen emails. We are now both banned from that Benihana. I think they're talking about something else. Oh, never mind. Retracted. Retracted. Alright, Noah, I've got one for you. Another one from Beth, actually. She would like a

roast of ice agents who are assholes so ice agents yeah yeah right right so yeah at first i was hoping that i was going to finally get to take those jackasses at the institute for culinary education down a peg but no no it was the u.s immigration and custom enforcement agency which the the government organization that's so dumb it was literally thwarted by sign up sheets at mexican groceries and i know there are people out there who argue that you know somebody has to do this job but no the fuck they don't this group was created in 2002 under the homeland security act remember that reactionary bullshit legislation that gave us liquid bans on airlines and color-coded terrorism

threat scales? What are the odds that they got one thing right and it happened to be the most Gestapo-like thing that came out of that legislation? I'm guessing low. Yeah, the orange level, not likely. Alright, so Eli, Justin donated a few dollars to have you roast him all right well justin looks

like the kind of guy who would try to fish off the side of the long island ferry my friends he looks like he's just been banned from several day camps for cruising for chicks accurate all right so eli here's a weird one nat would like you to roast the Copen Wasp Lab. Okay, so this is a science machine that apparently doesn't science very good. And literally, Nat's entire lab got together to donate to roast this thing. I tried to find out what the fuck it is. Failed. But luckily for us, it is the ugliest non-computer looking computer i've ever seen

it looks like the ukrainian live action remake of wally it looks like the video game console not even noah could love all right so heath i've got a challenge for you this may be the one that breaks you gene would like a roast of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So Gene sent an email that mentioned how I obviously have a giant crush on Justin Trudeau. And then he was like, yeah, so you're going to square that up with the blackface thing?

And Gene, I see what you're doing. You're trying to trap me like Eli does sometimes. He tries to get me to say a thing. You're trying to get me to say I have a crush on a man who wore blackface. And that's, nope. Okay. Well, now I realize I've said that now and it's going to go into Morgan's out of context quote file. Okay. Start over. Start over. Cut that, Morgan. Cut that. Justin Trudeau, he's like Canadian Rob Lowe. You know what I mean? Like everything he did in the 80s and 90s, extremely problematic.

But then he did a little bit of good stuff more recently, and now he's a model for jawline shampoo. All right. Yeah. But we didn't forget about the horrible stuff. You're still very problematic with the 80s, 90s stuff. We don't forget. All right.

Awesome. Well done. And that's the sound that means it's time for another spightning round the category is retro roasting so for the following roast i'd like you to deliver them in the style of the decade of my choice so eli you're up first sean would like a roast for wes who is a lawyer in your neck of the woods and i'd like you to do it as though from the 1920s all right uh well honky malonky wes sure is a fantastic fella i mean look at that cigar And I'd like you to do it as though from the 1920s. All right. Well, honky malonky, Wes sure is a fantastic fella.

I mean, look at that cigar. Look at that big old glass of the wash tub. A man's man, if ever there was one. And sure, the Danes might be as interested in him as they are in a penny stock. But heck, if that'll keep him off the slip and slaw, you look like FDR's legs work. By which I mean great. What? 1920s. I think his legs work work. By which I mean great. What? 1920s. I think his legs work great.

Slippenslaw. I don't know what that means, but I enjoyed hearing it. You can make up your own 1920s. You just make noises if you say it like that. It's a thing, probably. All right, Heath, let's dive into your specialty. Rosalie, why don't we roast of Jeremy, and I'd like to roast from the 1990s. Oh, okay.

Well, most of the roasting from the 1990s is homoph okay. Well, most of the roasting from the 1990s is homophobic slurs, if I remember correctly. Just like the ones Jeremy is probably using right now in the 2020s. But he does look like an employee at Staples trying to hit on your mom by leveraging a secret stash

of trapper keepers that he keeps in the back of his dozen. That's what he definitely, definitely looks like. That happened to me. I'm pretty sure with that guy when I was like 11. And Noah, while we're talking about our golden teen years, take us back to the 1960s

with a roast of Kenny Loggins for Renee. Kenny Loggins? You mean the guy from that MLM that had to pay $40 million in restitution at the order of the FTC? That's the one. Or the guy who co-authored a book with his wife about how much better their marriage was than everybody else's a couple of years before she filed for divorce? Wow. Yeah.

I didn't know about that one. Did you know that guy also did music? Music. Okay. That's excellent, Noel, but you were supposed to do it in the style of the 60s. Well, yeah, I'm high. You know what? That counts. That counts. Yeah. All right. So, Heath, I have another challenge for you. supposed to do it in the style of the 60s so well yeah i'm high you know what that counts

all right so heath i have another challenge for you wendy's three cats named alvin ashton and jiggy would like you to roast the unnamed dog that came into their house without any feline authorization whatsoever and we're gonna have you do that roast as if from the 1590s. Okay. All right. Blood and destruction shall be so in use and dreadful objects so familiar that dog mothers shall but smile when they behold their infants quartered with the claws of war. With Katae by his side, come hot from hell. Shall in these confines, with a monarch's voice, cry havoc,

and let slip the cats of war. Underappreciated. Julius Caesar. 1590s. 1599. Thank you. All right, Noah, another one for you here.

Henry would like a roast of Anne Widdicombe, but to make it a bit of a challenge i'd like you to do it in the style of the 1950s oh good call because yeah that would be the last time her opinions would have been socially acceptable so hey ann thanks for the big tickle i got when you bird dogged your way out of a job by supporting bryson despite being an mep but your ideas are bitching and i i mean that in the modern day sense of the term, not the 50s version, because all your ideas are just homophobic and anti-Semitic. You're just bitching is all. But I'm sure you're OK getting the boot given your antiquated ideas about the world.

You probably think Dame should be back at the pad looking after the curtain climbers anyway. And Eli, why don't you finish off this spikening round with a roast of Matthew's acrobatic partner, Bethany, but in the style of the 1980s. acrobatic partner Bethany, but in the style of the 1980s. Ooh, alright. Well, Beth is an awesome person who does stuff like travel to other countries and help poor communities. So, I think on behalf of the 80s, nerd!

Nerd! Oh, you like helping? Oh, I like to help people. Gay! That's so gay. It's gay how gay you are when you help. Eli? Yes. Fair? Fair. Alright, let me try this as an 80s movie trailer. Morgan? This summer

when the world is in danger. Oh no! Climate change is everywhere. There's a plague. One teen will use Snapchat filters on her rat dog named Tim Tam and change everything. The sky is finally clear. I can breathe again.

Because if not sticking your holds was a superpower, Beth is goddamn Superman. This summer, Beth. Is your dog okay? He looks that way on purpose. Oh, okay. All right, well done i i think all right well that's all we've got for this frightening round next up david would like a

roast of his facebook friend sean eli have at it yikes okay sean is a great example of why facebook needs a frenemy designation right this dude recommends Ben Shapiro when people talk about trans rights. Oh, God. The pictures David sent are Sean in both blue and blackface. So, you know, hold on, because any second Heath is going to want to fuck him. But, okay. Until then, Sean, until

Heath wants to fuck you, you look like a KKK-themed Chia Pet. You look like the behind the music about the stuntmen for Crabbe and Goyle in the Harry Potter parody porn. Aunt Heath, Ashley would like a roast of her cat,

Quiver. Okay. So, according to Ashley, Quiver has a neurological condition called cerebellar hypoplasia, which makes the cat fantastically uncoordinated i looked it up it's also called wobbly cat syndrome and ashley named her wobbly cat quiver oh wow so i'm confident that ashley has a sense of humor about this and would definitely

agree that a fantastically uncoordinated cat is objectively the funniest neurological condition for any pet. Like just for entertainment purposes. Because cats are always doing ridiculous ninja stuff all over the house. But Quiver is just face planting every time, eating shit, trying to do that stuff. It's like if me and Eli were genetically programmed to believe

we were amazing at parkour and we tried to do it all the time. And we lived at your house as your pets. So Noah's existence, basically. Noah's existence. And Noah, you're up next. Daniel wants a roast of Deacon Gary Brinksworth

of St. Stephen's Catholic Church. And it turns out that's a bigot. No way. Yeah. No, I got the asshole who treats his lesbian daughter so poorly she no longer comes home for the holidays. The piece of shit who literally skipped a friend's funeral for fear that he'd come into contact with her. And it really makes you wonder what the motivation is, right? Because it's not the same sex thing.

And it really makes you wonder what the motivation is, right? Because it's not the same sex thing. Because let's face it, like a dyed-in-the-wool misogynist like Gary would be pissed about anybody fucking his daughter, right? Regardless of gender. But like I said, it's not about sexuality. It's about control, right? He can't make her be the thing he thinks she should be, and he needs to control others to validate himself. He doesn't have intrinsic value, and deep down he knows that. So he tries to siphon away the value of the people around him by trying to act as their puppeteer. troll others to validate himself he doesn't have intrinsic value and deep down he knows that so he

tries to siphon away the value of the people around him by trying to act as their puppeteer she is a symbol not only of his failure but of the fact that he is failure oh well done sorry he said he wanted either tom or noah so i figured i would meet him halfway oh there you go yeah that was a real tom and all right you're up next a whalen would like you to roast a mormon ben all right so ben is a low-key racist sexist who's dating an 18 year old or he was you know she's 20 now so he probably lost interest but you know what ben honestly get used to it i mean you're the kind of person who's going to keep moving from relationship to relationship to religion to activity over and over again, just ever seeking the thing that will make you whole. I mean, that's why you're a bigot, right, Ben? Because it can't possibly be your fault. It's just hard out there for a straight

white guy. But Ben, the not so secret, that suspicion you've always had in the back of your mind that the reason your life sucks is that you suck it's true everyone has imposter syndrome ben but some of us deserve it was that also a tom slash no that was just me it was just me reading the email about ben i don't like him and heath i have a funny feeling you might have an opinion about this person already. Daniel would like a roast of economist F.A. Hayek. Oh, my God. Fuck your face. Everybody who ever talks about F.A. Hayek and says it's a real opinion that's worth it. Oh, I dealt with this so much.

So F.A. Hayek is a thinking man's Ronald Reagan, basically. He's nobody. He's nobody is what I mean by that. Every F.A. Hayek book, it's on a shelf next to a cum-stained copy of Atlas Shrugged and probably a little bit of Rufinol next to that. He's the Milton Friedman of Ayn Rand. That doesn't even make sense. That doesn't make any sense chronologically. It's backward.

It's actually backward, just like his entire economic theory. He's economics if you hold the textbook the wrong way. And that got him a literal Nobel Prize in 1974. Just keep in mind that Henry Kissinger won a Nobel in 1973 and Milton Friedman in 1976. So they weren't really focused up on the details at that point of who should win Nobels. All right, Noah, you're next. Emily and Franklin want you to roast TV media pundits. Oh, yeah, the astrologers of cable news.

Right, like the people whose literal job it is to have a staunch opinion on not just a breaking story, but all breaking stories. People whose merit is based not on the accuracy of their predictions but rather the certainty with which they are uttered you know i'd be tempted to say media pundits have never accomplished a damn thing but they did manage to get trump elected in 2016 so i guess that's off the table from now on yep all right so that brings us to the final round heath back to you christopher says if you're up for a challenge, insult people who insult Nickelback. Yeah, those people are the worst.

But seriously, making fun of Nickelback is lazy. And they can't hear you over the sound of $180 million in net worth. They really can't. And also the sound of the 1, 4, and 5 of a C major scale. Also something they can't hear you over. And scale also something they can't hear you over

and that's all they can't hear you over and noah one more for you here jamie wants a roast of the salvation army oh thank you jamie yeah if it weren't for the salvation army i would think it was impossible to take money dishonestly in comparison to the way most churches do it i mean look being a church is bad enough when you don't fucking lie about it. You pretend to be a charity, but you're no more a charity than you are a branch of the goddamn military. So I don't care how narrow you make the slot on those buckets. I'm still going to piss in them assholes. And if you think me sticking urine in your fucking subversive collection plate is bad,

wait till you find out where I want to stick that fucking bell. Alright, Eli, you're going to close this out here. John would like a roast of Steve, who is openly a brony and a furry. Okay, so the photo they sent, Steve is in the middle of losing his job at Toys R Us

for coming on the Shutterfly Dolls. Like, in the middle. He's being caught in Pictou, a the middle, he's being caught in picto et spiritum, and someone's gonna explain that he has to pay for those. That is what we're watching. But here's what haunts me about this roast, okay? Steve is a bisexual

furry brony, but John says, and I quote, he's definitely not that guy in our group, you know, the one who won't shut up about his fandoms or fetishes or whatever. He's the sane one. End quote. Interesting.

John, Steve, who the fuck is in your group? I want to talk to the interesting. Are you taking applications? I have board games and a podcast. I'm just saying, you know, everyone needs a 12. I'm tall. I don't know what else. All right.

Well, that itches us ever closer to clearing out all the roasts from 2019. Got a few more sessions to go. So if you haven't heard yours yet, fear not. We're getting there eventually. We promise. Someday. It was like 2000. It was so good.

It's for charity. It's good. Charity. This is good news. Thanks. So many more than we expected before we fade into the archives tonight i want to thank all the people that have reached out and offered well wishes while i'm going through all the dental work very much appreciated even when i'm physically incapable of saying you're welcome anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you

tonight but back in 10022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be a lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend God of a Movie, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on a Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath Enright for being the atlas that holds this shit up. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for forcing me to up my diatribe game. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who should be back next week.

And I want to thank Andy from Los Angeles for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and a thanks for Dr. Rosen for providing this week's Andy from Los Angeles. Well, we're at it. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best people, Mark, Lisa, Matthew, Carol, Texas, Nick, regular Nick, Jason, don't take medical advice from a Joe Rogan experience, Abigail, Evan, Michelle, Matthew, Elijah, Comrade, Bunny, Maple Leafs legend, Joe Thornton, Tom, Joanna, Key, Jimmy, Seabag, Neil, Vicker, Keith, Samantha, Jesse,

and Lena, who have so much gravitas they can talk a faucet out of dripping. Together, these 25 plenty-fied patrons kept the lights on that much longer this week and last week by giving us money. Not everybody is stimulated enough to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby

you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but you spent all your disposable income getting gouged on a tank of gas, you can also help a ton by telling a friend about the show, liking us on Facebook, and following at PIA Teapot on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast

are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson Hanzel, Social Media, and our audio engineer is Martin Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdias.com. You could get mangoes and eat pieces of mango in a reasonable amount. That's good.

I like that. What am I, a fucking concubine? Wow. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.