The Scathing Atheist - 433: Worth Your Wiles Edition

Episode Date: June 3, 2021

In this week’s episode, Rick Wiles will catch a serious case of we told him so, Christians will once again be persecuted by math, and god will continue to not exist. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Survey says white evangelicals love watching Fox News - atheists prefer CNN and MSNBC: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/27/survey-white-evangelicals-love-watching-fox-news-atheists-prefer-cnn-and-msnbc/ Remains of 215 Children Found at Catholic-Run Residential School in Canada: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/29/remains-of-215-children-found-at-catholic-run-residential-school-in-canada/ Pope cracks down(ish) on pedophile priests: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/06/01/vatican-issues-new-rules-to-penalize-sex-offender-priests-but-its-not-enough/ Rick Wiles, Who Spread COVID Lies for Months, May Be Suffering from COVID: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/29/rick-wiles-who-spread-covid-lies-for-months-may-be-suffering-from-covid/ WV pastor charged with spying on men with his phone in the church bathroom: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/26/wv-pastor-charged-with-spying-on-men-with-his-phone-in-the-church-bathroom/ Southern Baptists See Record Decline in Membership in 2020: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/25/in-2020-southern-baptists-experienced-a-record-decline-in-membership/ --- This Week in Misogyny: IL lawmaker: We need fair maps because there are “tampons in male bathrooms” https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/05/30/il-gop-lawmaker-we-need-fair-maps-because-there-are-tampons-in-male-bathrooms/ Biden leaves Hyde amendment out of budget proposal: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/06/02/biden-reverses-hyde-amendments-abortion-funding-ban-in-historic-budget-pr

Warning, the following's your brain. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Choir singing. And the clouds have turned by, and they are keeping cold. It's Thursday. It's June 3rd. And do you know why there are no cats on Mars? Why's that, Eli? Because curiosity killed them all. You have a kid now. It was only a matter of time.

I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Judy Blooms, New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State, and Redtown Blue State, this is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Rick Wiles catches a serious case of irony. Christians are once

again persecuted by math. And Heath will overlook Eli's misuse of the word irony longer than I can. We haven't written it in yet. But first, the diatribe. It's not, it's exactly what you would expect. The guy who... Like the Alanis Morissette? Yeah, well, it is

like the Alanis Morissette song. Yeah, you're like Alanis Morissette getting it wrong. It's a great compliment. You're welcome. You ought to know. If the answer was God, the question would be different. It's really that simple. I mean, you know, they like to hide their God behind vacillating ephemeral definitions and pretend that equals up to a conundrum, but it doesn't. They go into the debate playing for a tie because they know there's no fucking way you're going to convince an atheist that your brand of bullshit smells better than the last one.

So the best they can hope for is a stalemate where technically they've crafted a definition of God watertight enough to survive until somebody changes the subject. And even then, they're going to fail more often than they succeed. But even that framing obscures the truth, right? Because if God existed, we wouldn't be asking shit like, do things that didn't begin to exist need a cause? And if you believe in a God and you're wrong, what have you lost? Hell, we wouldn't even be asking questions like, is there a God? We'd be asking questions like, why do churches burn down so much less often than other buildings? Why do poor people with sick kids win the lottery so damn much?

And how the hell did that airplane just waft safely to the ground like a leaf we wouldn't need to ask if god existed we would need to ask which god existed well we probably wouldn't even have to ask that i mean think about the insurance companies and shit really a prayer worked they'd have figured it out in time to charge atheists more for their policies casinos would have rules against praying at the table scientists would have to account for the miracle factor in their calculations. And yet here we are ignoring all of that shit and asking exactly the same sorts of questions you expect us to be asking if there was no God. Now, of course, even the armchair apologist is ready for arguments along these lines, right?

They'll talk about the untestability of God for reasons they can never adequately explain. Their God wants us to have the ability to believe in him or not believe in him as we choose. It's so fucking weird because he's not like that about anything else, just himself. He doesn't offer us the option to not believe in gravity or light speed or food poisoning. In fact, the only thing in the entire universe that he wants to leave us free to believe in or not believe in is himself,

which is all the weirder when you consider that his existence is, as they'll tell you, the most important thing to know about. But okay, but whatever. Let's sidestep that absurdity for a minute and just follow their trail of desperate illogic. For whatever reason, God wants to be coy, and our feeble brains can't comprehend his purposes. Fine. So given that imperative, he can't just go around confirming his existence to every statistical analyst who happens upon a data set.

God knows when he's being tested, so he doesn't miracle when people are looking. What's more, since we track pretty much all the dead people nowadays, he can't risk leaving a tainted data set around for later, so he can't really answer any prayers. Or if he does, he has to do so entirely at random so as not to provide incontrovertible evidence that he exists, thus robbing us of the ability to choose to burn in hell forever. It's important. It's very important that we have that. Of course, none of this shit stops him from claiming that God reached out and miraculously restarted the heart of everybody who ever recovered within 100 feet of a nun. But even if we set that shit aside, we have a situation where God, in his desperate effort to maintain plausible deniability of his own fucking existence, has castrated his omnipotence.

his omnipotence i mean look any action he takes is going to alter statistics a little bit so as our ability to analyze the data gets better and better he's going to have to miracle less and less what's more since we can look at data sets from the past like like we could compare hospital records from the 1800s in christian and non-christian countries or something like that and since god knew we'd eventually get there he had to stop miracling to any substantial degree the second we started keeping records think about what a useless paranoid god they've created for themselves his inexplicable timidity has rendered him impotent and now at least statistically speaking he's indistinguishable from non-existent. Of course, as flawed and unimpressive as indistinguishable from non-existent is when it comes to objects of divine adulation, it was also the point. Because the reality actually is non-existent, and the degree that their God deviates from that is the degree to which we can prove that he doesn't exist. They're talking about you, Jesus. deviates from that is the degree to which we can prove that he doesn't exist joining me for headlines tonight are the yabba and dabba to my do heathen right and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to rock okay if anyone's gonna tip over their car with a ribs order that

would be me yeah yeah and if anyone's gonna have a gay old time, it's me. So I get it. This works. In our lead story tonight, atheists are better. I feel like that's the headline a lot, but it's not my fault. This isn't a vanity thing.

It's a survey about the group overall. And just about every time there's a survey about this stuff, the big takeaway is a math nerd version of, oh, my God, the world would be so much better if it was more atheist, according to the numbers I found. Yep. That's what happens when we collect data about just a thing in the world. Just about every time. That's what happens. And the latest example is a survey of where people get their news on TV. And the resounding answer among the overwhelming majority of atheists

was not fucking Fox News, which is the correct answer. But every single religion, on the other hand, had a much less acceptable response. Okay, but Heath, how does it feel to know that your tuck your face segment

over on our sister show, The Skeptocrat, is fucking up those numbers, dude? You're throwing off the numbers. We're actually better than it looks, actually, I think. Also, not for nothing, Scathing Atheist didn't even make the goddamn list. Atheist is very disappointing. Yes. Very disappointing.

Come on, guys. Get it together. So the original survey happened last year, right before the election in November. survey happened last year, right before the election in November. The cooperative election survey spoke with tens of thousands of Americans and asked them which TV news network they turned on in the last 24 hours. The results came out recently and we got some religion-themed analysis from the official math nerd correspondent of The Skating Atheist, Professor Ryan Burge. Ryan B, what's up? Ryan Burge. So the most telling information was about Fox News, not surprisingly.

Atheists were by far the least likely to watch Fox News at 14%. And white evangelicals were by far the most likely at 61% in the last 24 hours. Okay, yeah, but if you want the damning numbers on us, ask about what percentage of us yell the wrong prices at the TV during Antiques Roadshow. That's where our underbelly lies. Okay. I feel like you consistently overestimate what a large percentage of us you represent, Eli.

You know what? Tough but fair. You watch a lot of Antiques Roadshow? Aggressively? A lot. Apparently? A lot. Very aggressively.

Very aggressively. Okay. Not surprised. That does track that those tracks are so expensive we also learned that if you absolutely insist on being part of a religion you should at least have the decency to be jewish perhaps perhaps just culturally jewish if that's how you prefer to identify as a proud culturally jewish person who deserves respect and dignity for that identity at least according to most of us on this show right now if we count my characters i am still winning okay but if we count your voices you're not carl the bucket bucket corner tony d are very different people very different okay okay we're gonna move past it

gonna move past it so if you insist on a religion and you won't be Jewish, maybe you could be Buddhist too. They did okay. And if you absolutely insist on being Christian, you really need to be a black Protestant or else it's just irresponsible. White people cannot be trusted with lots of stuff, honestly. Christianity is at the top of that list.

Well, militaries and then Christianity. Yeah, those twoity is at the top of that list well militaries and then christianity yeah those two right there at the top absolutely of all the religious groups in the study the only ones with less than a third of the group watching fox news that day were black protestant 26 non-orthodox jewish 28 and Buddhist, 30%. And just to underscore how important it is to not be a white Christian person, even among just evangelicals, being not white meant a huge drop in watching Fox News, from 61% down to 42%. It's weird that their white supremacy message would be so unpopular with non-whites that's and one last thing we learned don't be a fucking coward again atheists were at 14 but agnostics were at 23 really don't be a fucking coward if you don't believe in gods but you're a coward about it

you're about 64 more likely to watch fox News in the last day than an atheist. Wow. See? See? You know, we might disagree here and there on the scathing atheist, but at least we can all get behind the fact that agnostics are chickens. Yep, that we can do. Sure can.

And in Lost and Founders, every once in a while we get stories on this show that we just don't fucking want to do. You know, it's the 900th annual argument about where you can put a nativity display or stories about ziplining where everyone survives. But above all of those things is dead kids. But this week, we got to talk about some dead kids because the remains of no less than 215 children

were found on the grounds of the Kamloops Indian Residential School in British Columbia. Cool. Yeah. The Catholic Church. Less murdery than Pol Pot. And sign up in the quad. There you go. On a murders per year average, maybe like overall, the Catholic Church has got a smoke. So for those of you who aren't familiar, residential schools were religious run and funded schools whose stated purpose was, according to the Canadian Encyclopedia, to, quote, educate and convert indigenous youth and to assimilate them into Canadian society. End quote. Except like everything Catholic, the more we learn about them, the more murdery and rapey they get. them, the more murdery and rapey they get. And the latest addition to this, as I mentioned at the beginning of the story, is the discovery of yet another mass grave under the care of the Catholic Church. That's right. If this story sounds familiar, it's because as recently as 2017, a mass grave of 800 women and babies were found at an Irish home for girls, also run by the Catholic Church.

Okay, okay. Less than Pol Pot if you count them all separately. You have to do it separate. It's independent franchise locations. We can't control all that. It's separate. You'd know there's somebody in PR that was like, okay, so by the standards of mass graves for children in the care of Catholic

facilities, this is not that high. Manageable, guys. Manageable. Solid spin. Now, it's worth noting that there have been calls to action from Canada's politicians about this, but thanks to the fact that these abuses were covered up for years and that the school in question was closed in 1969,

they're largely symbolic, which is a hell of a lot better than what we do in the United States, but it's still not nearly enough. Yeah, and let's be clear here, because it's not like, you know, that's just how many kids happened to die over a very long period of time, and they didn't bury them very well. Every indication is that the indigenous kids sent to those schools

were malnourished and abused, and the sanitary conditions were downright Mother Teresa-ing in their depravity. Yeah, this was not the school graveyard. These were the not proud of graves. And like I said at the beginning, we don't like reporting on this stuff. It's not fun, like making fun of the fact that Rick Wiles looks like Trolls 3 was set in a white supremacist prison yard. But it is just as important because religion likes to pretend its greatest evils, slavery, genocide and like are in the past. Nowadays, they got a pope who's groovy and says gay people are made up of atoms and particles. But it's worth remembering that the time they stopped covering up for these things when they no longer caped for murderers, rapists, and enslavers of literal children has

yet to come. Yeah. Yeah, look, the only reason their greatest sins are always in the past is because they're good at covering shit up for 50 years. Yup. Speaking of which, and in the Pope's nopes news tonight. I thought you were going to be like an Adam's particle.

Okay, moving on. It's probably important to also point out. So after just 19 short years, I didn't say it, the Pope said it. it looks like the Vatican is finally sending a clear message to pedophile priests and the bishops that enable them that enough is almost enough and that they're about to get mostly serious about this problem.

This declaration of slightly above medium commitment pretty soon comes in the form of an update to the Code of Canon Law that Pope Frando Calrissian announced on Monday, which will go into effect in December. According to the new rules, priests are mostly not allowed to do illegal shit with regards to child rape anymore. Seriously, that is only an exaggeration in the sense that he didn't actually go that far. The new rules just forbid bishops from giving sex abusers second chances, shipping accused priests off to different churches, and points out that also raping adults is against the rules too. That's damn near the whole thing. Yep.

Okay, what about adults? Good question. Fuck. Okay, somebody call Kinko's. Call Kinko's right now. Dave, call Kinko's. Gives a whole new meaning to the old expression, you never want to be the reason someone puts up a sign isn't it yeah so look like we joke around sometimes on this show about the whiteboard that we have to keep here

with all the weird company rules but like for realsies if your organization needs a a no raping kids policy and b a seriously guys we mean it about the raping kids clause in it and c a whole bunch of sub clauses that you had to add later to clarify that shit it's because yours is an evil organization also d adults fuck bad guy and the only reason that a team of enhanced individuals haven't thwarted your plot is because superheroes aren't real. Okay, but I feel like if me and Eli got inside the Vatican, we are superheroes. Yes, we are. Just in there licking all the apocrypha.

You sure you still want that? They don't. Got your nuts. Oh, right. Yeah, exactly. That's why it's there. Of course, the announcement itself did its best to avoid framing this as a, man, you'd think we'd have done this like not raping kids thing by now.

And instead explain that, quote, the relationship of interpenetration between justice and mercy has at times been misinterpreted. End quote. So what? Yeah. So first of all, they went with the penetration phrasing in their promise to stop raping your kid statement which is probably a red flag by itself yeah but the truly sinister bit is the fact that they're pretending that the problem that they've had this whole time is

an overabundance of mercy not a diabolical sense of self-preservation they're just so damn forgiving that they can't stay mad at the child rapist long enough to get all the way through the punishment you know yeah okay okay yeah inner penetration was bad phrasing there okay justice is lowering itself onto mercy this is serious take it seriously okay you know what from now on internal rape trials can't end in a hair tousle. Are you happy? You corrected that for everyone. No more hair tousles. So look, I don't think any priests are going to stop raping kids because like now it says that's against the rules in the company handbook. And I don't think it's going to stop any bishops from covering their asses and protecting the church's reputation when the alternative is seeking justice for a sexually abused child.

This is newsworthy only in so much as it highlights the fact that they hadn't gotten around to this until this past Tuesday. Mm-hmm. What they didn't do is extradite all the accused priests they're still harboring or release victims from their non-disclosure agreements. And that speaks a hell of a lot louder than adding, and we really mean it this time time to the no raping policy. Sure does.

And in worth the while news, Rick Wiles has COVID. Oh, if only we had time to write a song, it would have been, yeah. That's it. That's the story. But you know what, everybody?

We fucking earned this one. So sit back, slap a smile on your face, and enjoy as we celebrate the most deserved COVID diagnosis since Donald fucking Trump. Oh, it couldn't be more apropos unless we brought Ronald Reagan back from the dead just to give him AIDS. Yes, two votes. So for those of you who aren't familiar rick wiles is uh our bread and butter here on the scathing atheist he's our super racist anti-semitic bread and butter he has spent

the entirety of the covid pandemic being a massive piece of shit first he said that the vaccine was bill gates's way of injecting the number of the beast into everybody. Then he called for Anthony Fauci to be tortured till he admitted that he created the virus himself, I guess. And then, then took a little break from that to do a little charity work by paying the $15,000 fine of some Orthodox Jews who broke NYC COVID protocols during its peak. Yeah, okay. So just to be clear, Rick Wiles said to himself,

okay, they're carrying out a Judet to take over the world, but they are willing to spread a plague. Huh. Those are conflicting to me. Let me get my checkbook. And that Orthodox

Jewish group was like, they were like, okay, he is a literal neo-nazi and he doesn't know about the juda and he's narking on us that's not good whatever let me get a pen i'm endorsing this yeah money is money right so that was a weird break he took for a second there but then he went right back to being a massive piece of shit you know all work and no play he called the covid related death of an l of an LGBTQ activist judgment from God and then described the vaccines as a genocidal plot, but said that it was OK because, quote, stupid people will be killed off, end quote. Oh, this is horrible. Out of the mouths of babes or something, something.

God's ear face. Wow. It's rather telling, though, that Rick Wiles can't even mention an imaginary genocide without pointing out the upside. Yeah. Right. It's a tell. Well, as we said, when you wish upon a star, because according to the Gab account of Rick's YouTube hate crime, True News, prayers are needed urgently for rick his wife and many others at true news studio who have caught the virus right wing watch actually managed to get

their hands on an email to true news supporters which goes into more detail quote many of you are aware that true news was hit suddenly by a cluster of flu and covid among some employees and their relatives rick is asking for urgent prayer especially for him and susan rick is very weak however his fever has ended and he has no respiratory issues his fatigue is what is the main concern susan is experiencing the same symptoms also pray for our staff and their families yeah it's a little afterthought there this fucking email literally says like pray for everybody but mostly me like mostly they save the good focus up everybody so with all that in mind

you gotta admit if he dies of covid that's fucking funny right hilarious actually i mean look i guess if he got it from an orthodox jewish wedding that would be slightly funnier but either way it's good and most importantly of all listen commit to the bit to the bit, Rick. Commit to the bit. Go to that. Exactly. But most importantly of all, listen, I know we have doctors, nurses, and EMTs who listen to this podcast. And aside from my own inevitable death of a heart attack in the next two or three years, we never ask anything of you medical professionals, but that time is over. Gentlemen, 30 seconds on the clock ways that our medical practicing listeners can fuck

with Rick Wiles. If he is putting their care, go. Okay. Uh, keep acting like your phone reception gets better. The closer you get to him, uh,

play recordings of Bill Gates saying good, very good, very good. very good, while he's sleeping. Let him hear a little bit right when he wakes up. Smother him with a pillow. Oh, all right. So now I have to call Andrew again.

So we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Wonder what Eli said. A man wrote the Bible. A horse would smoke. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. I figured with this being my first TWIM during Pride that I should start off with a reminder that there's no room for TERFs on my TERF. I'll admit that I haven't spent enough of this segment focused on the slights against trans women, and I'm going to make an effort to rectify that going forward because we're all in this together and with the SCOTUS this hostile to women's rights and trans rights that's never been truer. So in keeping with that goal my first story this week is about a bigoted jackass named Andrew Chesney. Chesney is a Republican state representative in Illinois and he went on a tirade on the Senate floor the other day arguing for independently drawn district maps, which is normally a good thing. But he's a Republican, so he wanted to do it because bigotry, specifically because of trans affirming legislation from the state's Democratic majority.

So yeah, in the midst of a still raging pandemic with a volatile economy and rising consumer prices, this motherfucker's biggest concern is tampon dispensers in men's bathrooms. Quote, how the hell do we get tampons in male bathrooms? And just a little diversion here, huge red flag where people start cramming male and female into phrases where most people just say man or woman. Male bathrooms? Anyway, continuing, quote, how does that happen? That's because you don't have an independent map. Sex education today just passed with 60 votes.

It's like a mini HBO porno. How does this happen? It's because you don't have independent maps, end quote. Okay, so much wrong in that quote. So sorry if the first thing I pluck out is trivial, but a mini HBO porno? When the fuck are you from, dude? And what makes sex ed like a mini HBO porno? Why, the fact that it's LGBTQ confirming?

That's it. It's not like they're wheeling in the projector and playing Circe's walk of shame scene for the kiddos or anything. The fact that the new sex ed standards acknowledge the existence of non-hetero, non-cis people is enough to make it pornographic in this asshole's mind. Also, what is he afraid those tampons

in the men's room are gonna do? I mean, I'm sure making a robotic attack tampon to sneak into a public restroom with Andrew Chesney would be a difficult task, but for any budding engineers in the audience, I want to assure you that it would be worth it. Anyway, so yeah, that guy sucks, but I don't want to just leave you with bad stuff, so I have a rare good news story to toss in before I go. Joe Biden followed through with his campaign promise to omit the Hyde Amendment from his budget proposal. Quick reminder, that's the amendment that forbids federal tax dollars from directly funding abortions. And while Biden did say he was going to do it, there was some

question about whether he was too centrist or too Catholic to follow through. And he did. So to be clear, nothing's really happened that wasn't symbolic it'll probably show back up in budget negotiations and getting rid of it would require the approval of congress one way or the other but the more hostile the judicial branch gets to women's rights the more important it is to get positive signals from the executive branch and on that fleeting glimmer of ephemeral hope, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda.

And in Glory Scroll news, we have a story about a progressive secular activist who actually got caught spying on people in a public bathroom using his cell phone. Really? Oh. No, no, no no i'm obviously joking he was a pastor oh yeah so very obviously pastor and it all happened in joe mansion's west

virginia now joe mansion had nothing to do with it at least as far as we know in fairness there's no evidence he wasn't involved either the amount of evidence that joe mansion was involved in spying on people in the bathroom is exactly equal to the amount of evidence that he wasn't involved either the amount of evidence that joe mansion was involved in spying on people in the bathroom is exactly equal to the amount of evidence that he wasn't that's the amounts so there's no reason to just assume that joe mansion the u.s senator from west virginia was involved in a terrible sex crime maybe he was maybe he wasn't we have no idea yeah we have no idea no information you know agnostic we do know that pastor william page was recording videos of people urinating in the men's room at the national

church of god in morgantown west virginia and hey even if joe mansion wasn't involved and we are not saying he wasn't he would have just stood there and let it happen even if he was yeah right yeah exactly exactly yeah so here's how we found out somebody went into the men's room at that church He would have just stood there and let it happen, even if he was. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So here's how we found out. Somebody went into the men's room at that church and noticed a cell phone was sitting on the ledge above one of the urinals. So they called the cops and the cops checked that phone. They found two videos of men using the urinal and also several videos of Pastor William Page setting up his phone to record and setting it on top of the urinal and also several videos of pastor william page setting up his phone to record and setting it on top of the urinal that's how they crashed the case cops are at the station oh this guy is good i don't think we're gonna oh nope there he is in the third video

i should have started my i don't think we're gonna catch him monologue after i watched all the videos i'm sorry that's on me, everyone. Showing his ID. That's just weird. See, so I was assuming that they were going to catch it because like a guy with extreme stage fright was like, wait, this makes no sense. I'm in the bathroom all alone. Why can't I? Hold on a second. Okay.

So I have questions. Oh, I have a few questions about this too. Do you? Cool. Yeah. okay so i have questions oh i have a few questions about this too yeah cool yeah so i'm gonna set aside the obvious one of why would you record the setup i mean obviously he wanted to be on a podcast i guess that's the only answer to that question but what's happening with the logistics of getting those two videos before he got caught a phone sitting on the ledge. Would be facing up. And just recording some dudes neck fat. While he's peeing out of the frame.

So. Is he just really into neck fat? Or did he have the phone connected to like a goose neck mount. And angled down from the ledge. In which case. What the fuck was happening that day. For those first two guys in those videos? They went into the bathroom.

They chose the urinal with a phone connected to a gooseneck mount facing down into the crotch area. And they just had a normal pee without saying anything. What's happening in your life that you just ignore that? Twice. Two people did that. It's just like, God damn, these motion sensor flushes are getting more and more obtrusive. Joe Biden's America. Let me tell you.

Now, this puts me in the awkward position of immediately being able to think of a reasonable way to set a phone on a urinal in a natural looking way with the camera pointed dickward, but unsure of how freely

I should admit that. I don't like where this went. A little side business. I get it. You just got to keep your options open. Bottom line, here's the takeaway. Why the fuck are we keeping the filibuster alive?

Whether Joe Manchin was involved with the bathroom camera or not, we may never know. He strikes me as a peace sitting down type of guy. No judgment either way, but fuck your face for keeping the filibuster alive right now. And maybe you did maybe you didn't with the other thing and finally tonight in going south news a quick whiff of some

good news before we wrap it up according to the annual church profile published by lifeway christian resources southern baptist saw a larger decline in membership in 2020 than in any other year on record more than 400 000 fewer fewer people identify as Baptist in 2021, which is a drop of nearly 3% from the previous year and a drop of over 13% since their peak in 2003. And while some of that decline is no doubt due to the pandemic, it's worth noting that they set their previous record for the largest annual drop in 2019. Yeah, I mean, say what you will about Windows being bad for the world, but

Bill Gates is a good inventor overall. He makes some good stuff. Yeah, he does. So yeah, the trend has been going this way for quite a while, and it's showing no sign of slowing. Obviously, the people in the demographics most likely to die from COVID-19 were, by and large, also in the demographics most likely to be Southern Baptist, to the point that Southern Baptist is one of those demographics most likely to die from COVID. Like they're disproportionately elderly and less educated, but they're also disproportionately likely to be getting medical advice from the likes of Rick Wiles and Greg Locke. And a big part of this number is the 100,000 plus fewer baptisms they performed this year. So we can expect this number to spike a bit post-pandemic,

so they might rebound a bit. But it is clear that the trend is one of fading out. So the smart ones aren't coming back, and the stupid ones are dying of a plague they made worse. It's a win-win, people. What I'm seeing here is a win-win. It's a good news story. And by the way, in case you're curious,

the telephone surveys that Pew Research Center did in 2018 and 2019, which are the most recent numbers I could find on this, showed that about 4% of Americans identify as atheists. The U.S. population is about 328 million, which means that there are over 13 million atheists, and we're trending up. So unless something happens to change one or both trends we should expect to see atheists in this country outnumbering southern baptists as early as 2023

and no later than 2025 and and that doesn't even take into account all the cope with it they're still gonna huff to own the libs between now and then so with that silver lining ringing in your ears we're gonna close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll unravel a whole spool of what the fuck. Hey, everybody. As some of you may be aware, atheist author and activist Brian Bogelwick passed away this week. That's right.

We met Brian first at ReasonCon a few years ago. And like everyone who met him, we were instantly charmed by his passion, his dedication to social justice, and his obvious adoration of his wife and his two daughters. Usually we save our asks for our yearly charity drive. However, Brian's family has asked if... M-m-m-m-mans man scape god damn it man scape man seriously that's right badger buffers it's me man scaped man are your balls an unsightly tangle of

the devil's thicket okay literally could not be a worse time man then why not try the brand new time machine 4.0 this bad boy will shave your sack so smooth you'll swear your testes have been sent back to a time of prepubescence don't jerk off or you'll go to jail horrifying really dude add on a pack of ball sponges for just 9.99 in the desperate hopes of soaking up the truly horrifying amount of liquid that pours from them unceasingly like a biblical miracle uh brian's family has started a gofundme but that's not all order now and you'll be at the front of the line when the death without unceasingly like a biblical miracle. Brian's family has started a GoFundMe. But that's not all. Order now and you'll be at the front of the line

when the death without dying emerges from the eternus. Just go to manscaped.com forward slash death without dying for 10% off your order plus free shipping. You know what? Never mind. Yep. Yeah. I am Manscaped, destroyer of worlds. That's it. I am Manscaped, destroyer of worlds. Back in 2015, we spun our favorite segment of this show into its very own show called God Awful Movies,

wherein we condemn ourselves to watch Christian movies every week until we're released from that self-inflicted punishment by the sweet kiss of death. But we don't want to leave the impression that christians are awful at movies in particular they're awful at all of the arts which is why we still pop in from time to time for a god awful mini so tell us heath what will we be breaking down today we watched the ones it's the story of what sovereign citizen people saw when they watched Captain Marvel. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. The Cliven Bundy getting saved from paying taxes by his sister, Captain Marvel from Outer Space. Who he is quite sure is his sister. Very close. And Eli, how bad was this mini?

Well, if grandma's new boyfriend creeps you out, but it hasn't become obvious yet that they've joined a suicide cult, you will love this mini. And I want to be clear, this is the description of the film we're about to talk you through on Tubi. Quote, after years in space, an astronaut returns to her ranch. Ears in space, an astronaut returns to her ranch. Officials want the information she received from aliens, but she only takes orders from God. End of description of the thing we're about to tell you about. Yeah. I don't think that's going to help anybody.

Like, you told me to read that ahead before I watched this, and it helped me none. Okay, but I didn't read that before I watched it. I didn't. So, yeah, so yeah i didn't so yeah i feel like it would have i felt like maybe it would have because none of that is explicitly spelled out ever right the fact that she's an astronaut the fact that aliens gave her information the fact that she receives her orders well i guess the god thing is spelled out that's the only thing like yeah other than that you're just kind of guessing yeah all right so we're going to open up on some creepy music over a variety of like old lady yard stuff yeah this is a scary weather vane yeah it's like a pop scare like are we about to get attacked by a light breeze from

the west yeah my music note here is all our haunted house has is this casio keyboard do your best with it yeah oh and of course this is brought to us by none other than i shit you not the new york time film company time singular time yep i don't think we've ever seen anything more blatant in our entire career new york schmimes it might as well be schmimes yeah that would actually be less like blatant i think honestly because like that would be obviously not it so we go through a series of establishing shots so random you have to wonder if they knew which fucking hole the lens was in so but eventually we cut to an old lady walking down the side of a dusty highway, all haggard and her dress is all torn up. Yeah.

Walk of shame at her age. Good for her. Good for her. Right? Yeah. She fucking partied last night. Absolutely. And then there is an absurdly loud voiceover that starts praying, starts quoting from Isaiah.

Oh, it's amazing. And he's like half doing a Johnny Cash impersonation. And he's reading the part where it's like jackals and owls are psyched for me. Just so you know, it's the best. Yeah, it's the VO from the Lord here. Apparently, this woman is hearing it. He's like, I am the Lord, your Holy One. And then God says,

see, I'm doing a new thing. And I was like, what? Like, keto? Da Vinci's sleeping? He's going to announce some new thing that he's doing? And he has to announce this to people one by one, starting with the lady who partied last night.

Just like people who do keto i get it yeah yeah no like i said it's quote from isaiah but it's like it's from one of the weirder parts of isaiah yeah but eventually the old lady gets to this house and another old lady who we'll eventually learn is her sister is there and they'll flesh this out but like the the visual is that red-haired old lady is very disappointed in Walk of Shame lady. Yeah, absolutely. It's like you're way past curfew. I understand that we are both 75 years old.

This is weird. I'm your mother by tone right now, but that's what's happening. She's getting scolded. Maybe she's 70 years past curfew. That would explain it. Okay. Well, it's close to that, yeah. She says, can i have

some water and the old lady's like fine and i wanted her to be like but no more two shots for two dollars tuesdays you hear me right well that's how exactly i've got some orange slices and some thorazine yeah that's exactly how this plays out but then so she goes inside for the water the fucking title shows up with a gunshot sound effect that had me ducking behind my desk. Wow. Pop scared title. Yep. What?

I wanted them to acknowledge it and be like, did you hear like scary sound effects like one thing? No. All right. So now the lady that was walking home was Rachel. Did anybody catch red haired old lady's name? The sister? I sure didn't. Nope.

Okay, we're going to call her Red. Okay. So then we're force introduced to a young woman named Grace and a middle-aged woman named Lake. Oh, Lake. And the introduction scene is so weird and mechanical where each of them introduces the next one in the row and everything. where like each of them introduces the next one in the row and everything oh but but grace and her space work so grace grace is the young one like is the older one who by the way is going to be the comedic genius of the group we'll find out yes towards the very very end here but grace has to go over and like tenderly hug her because she cares about her for some reason that will never be explained but she's also been told to cheat out to the camera so like a 2d side scroller she sort of

unches her way until she's next to bedraggled old lady yeah gives her a christian side hug and then she's like okay i'm gonna leave the movie now yep Yep. She has to hustle off to go to church group. Yes, of course. All right. So Rachel goes to her old room and Red has kept it just the way it was before. Now, in case you're wondering how ham-fisted the storytelling is going to be here, our establishing shot of this room pans back from a card that says, sisters share a lifelong friendship.

Oh, they couldn't quite get the live laugh love permission yeah but yeah but red explains that she saved the ranch when rachel didn't come back from her astronaut thing again the movie will never tell us it's an astronaut thing yeah to be clear she doesn't say from your trip to space right yeah no we assume that she just walked off from the asylum at some yeah yeah that that would be the the evidence that the movie gives us certainly and then with a completely straight face because she's doing that like here's what you missed she goes grace's parents died in a tornado a tornado look look i'm as bored with fucking car accident as the next guy, but you might as well have him dying in quicksand.

Come on. They both slipped on a banana peel at the same time. It was very unfortunate. Also, just a little note here. Rachel has her shoes on the bed this entire scene, and all of my notes are, cool, so you want to get your fucking

shoes off the bed? Yeah, so we learn that grace's parents died in a tornado we also learned that jack died saving grace so i mean so jack also died in a tornado you can yeah right we died in a tornado this is a weird speech it's like welcome home from

like space for 10 years here's a list of people who died and exactly how is the first thing i'm gonna tell you and get your fucking shoes off the bed god damn it well so okay so but then rachel is going to sleep red says to her and i quote sleep my sister sleep well which is a weird way to talk to anybody that you're not about to sacrifice to the ancient ones very much so also when you say sleep well the imperative there is that you be leaving except she's not leaving she says sleep my sister sleep well and then just stares at her so i wrote in my notes are you sleeping yet? Did you hear me? I said, sleep. How about now? How about now? How about now?

But then I'm also like, wait, so she's going to sleep in that dusty ass torn up dress and her shoes? Yep. Apparently.

And you're just going to sit there watching me fall asleep? You know what? I'm masturbating now. We're going to lock eyes. Let's see who loses. All right,

so then we get some more echoey prayer and we rejoin Rachel catching up with all the folks at the ranch. Oh, okay. I don't know who the character is supposed to be, but the dude wearing a church topper around his neck is fantastic. Yeah, he's got a real dude hanging off of his crucifix. It's pretty fucking big.

And then we also meet fucking film's first good guy cowboy that's dressed all in black yep i wrote in my fucking notes okay now we've met the bad guy i guess but no no also right as evil cowboy who's we're gonna find out good cowboy but yes, clearly evil cowboy. Right before he shows up, does Rachel, does she pump fake a doodly-do flashback that doesn't happen? Yep, she's having a blah-blah-blah. Okay, we'll call it

a blah-blah-blah from now on. I like that. She's talking to the guy with the giant cross. She's like, I'm going to have a quick doodly-do. You know what, fuck it. We'll stay in the present. Evil cowboy's here. I want to talk to him now. We didn't have the money for the doodly-do. Okay, alright. And I'm going to have a quick doodly-doo. You know what? Fuck it. We'll stay in the present. Evil Cowboy's here. I want to talk to him now. We didn't have the money for the doodly-doo. Okay.

All right. And I do want to say this about Evil Cowboy. What is very obvious is that in the script is whatever this character's name is, gets off horse, you're back. Except this guy is obviously grandma's new boyfriend and he is not as lithe as he used to be. So we watch this guy like ever so carefully, ever so slowly get off the horse

and then be like, you're back. Yeah. He was definitely just supposed to start talking, but he also went for a way long time with a, I think I'm going to try to have a tender kiss with you right now. And she's not like leaning in for it. So he's like,

all right, I'm just going to keep petting your face until this works out. Does did not go well. No, it's all right. What's it like living in the stars? We should introduce that huge plot point, I guess.

Yeah. Well, so, okay. So for, yeah, for me and Eli, who hadn't read the description at the bottom here's what we get the guy goes so what's it like she says living in the stars and we're like was she fucking abducted by aliens yes by the way she was yep she was yeah and then he explains god damn does he take a large info dump at this point he explains that the government is

coming for their land claiming eminent domain because they're mad about the alien abduction so just to be clear he says how was living among the stars she's like meh and he's like right anyway sorry i was just making conversation the government's taking the rent he had no follow-up questions about her alien i'm just proud they said eminent instead of imminent i was like oh wow did not expect them to get that correctly government is claiming your antemans domain yeah but but the government won't tell them why. Won't even tell them why they want their land, right? And she's like, I know who's behind it. It's that guy from the NSA. The NSA.

What? Yep. What do they think the NSA is based on this movie? Ooh, great question. National Spy Association. That'd be a little bit closer to useful if that's what it was. Naughty spies of America. Yeah. that be a little bit closer to useful if that's what it was based on what we see in this movie? of America.

The NSA is going to take a ranch using eminent domain because they're a Russian hacking ranch. It's like a black market Bitcoin ranch. What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, well, as a threat so they can, yeah, oh God, this is so stupid.

Apparently it's a threat so they can get their hands on whatever information the aliens have given her again nowhere to find that out put the description at the bottom of the goddamn video it's not voiced in the goddamn movie okay and i i need to know is the plot of this movie that this lady got kidnapped by aliens they were like here is how to cure cancer and find your way to the ether sea. And she was like, fuck you. I only listen to Jesus. Yes. Yep.

That's as much as I got out of it. Yeah. That's the best sci-fi film of all time. Lack of contact? Yes, please. Look, I've come in the appearance of your father in the hopes that maybe you'll fucking listen. But then she says, let's gather the ones. Now, the name of this film is The Ones.

So we assume that at some point they're going to flesh that out and explain what the hell that means. We assume incorrectly, but we assume anyway. Yeah, maybe they were just hoping that we'd know because you know the ones yeah right they just pause and look around expecting iron man to land no no all right they're probably gonna get a ranch now all right so we cut to grace uh chatting with red in the kitchen when suddenly the bad guys show up with their fucking Kia Sorento. Okay. And I have to say,

there's nothing like bad cinema to make you appreciate good cinema because the Kia Sorento, it just has a little bit of trouble navigating the road to this ranch. It's going so slow right now. It's like, stop, start, stop, start. Oh, it's really pulling to the left here. I don't know why. You got to angle out. Oh my God, you're scrapping along the fence.

Jesus, I'm driving. I'm driving. Get out, get out. Everybody get out. So yeah, so the bad guys got, the only black character in the film turns out to be a bad guy. That's a square on the bingo card, I think.

Yeah. And then the good guys and the bad guys, they all square off like Team Captain America, Team Iron Man style. And let me just say, if these senior citizens had all gotten in a fist fight, this is my favorite

movie of all time. They show up and they're like, we're here for your sister. And Grace is like, Rachel's not here and Rachel steps up all defiantly and Grace is like, well, I'll go fuck myself then, I guess. It's the best! Look, I get that

that's a TV trope. It's like, she's not here but then she's like, no, I am here. But that's not in a 14 second long short film. I really wanted Red to turn to her and just be like, oh my my gosh where did she suddenly oh i haven't seen you and so oh yeah so rachel steps up out of nowhere just just to contradict the person who just talked and she's like hello reed from the nsa you guys at the nsa

don't usually deal with ranch stuff what What the fuck are you doing here? Now, we should point out, too, the fucking sound balancing in this show is goddamn torture. Because the guy, the bad guy, starts off whispering and then eventually screams so loud he's rattling the microphone. Yep. You're holding your headphones like partway away from your ear, moving them in and out as the fucking video keeps going yeah you need to swing them around your head in centrifugal motion to get a good balance for this movie right so reed from the nsa gives her that little answer and then he says you have secret information the government needs to help us with get in the car now yep like like if he snuck in that yelling part at the end, it would trick her

and she would just be like, oh man, I'm getting in the car. He said, Simon says. Right, yeah. But no, yeah, but she won't do it. So she's under arrest for treason and, and I quote, for withholding information regarding secret activity contrary to the interest

of the government. End quote. Like why not just pick a thing that's right or stop at treason you didn't need another thing and also for criming in the crime degree so yeah and this is where this is where she gives what she thinks is either the alien's divine message or just what she thinks is a moving speech which amounts to let's help homeless people oh it's live laugh love it's just yeah that might as well be the speech but right before she does that the evil cowboy man in black shows up pulls a gun and yells, get off my land. It could not be more random or less

meaningful, however. It's not like there's this great moment of tension. She's just like, I'll tell you one thing. When the rich get off my land. Oh, okay. I guess we're doing a violent altercation. I thought I was doing a big... Oh, you're just jumping in? Final speech. And NSA guy

is like no it's the whole thing with eminent domain where it's going to be ours and also I'm allowed to come here and tell you about driveway anyway right exactly yeah but then she gives her live laugh love speech and the handcuffs magically

fall away yep that's her god power everybody she can get out of handcuffs. I think we should also mention the very important musical accompaniment here. Oh, yep, yep.

So, before Rachel starts doing her big speech, right before it, Lake, remember Lake from before? Oh, yes. I can't believe I almost forgot about this. How did we do about this this was bananas out of nowhere Lake senses that there's about to be a big

speech from Rachel so Lake starts singing a Native American song I think yes I had it down as chanting Native Americanly something like that and Rachel's like oh sorry yeah this is perfect that's my cue for my speech with the Native American song by this white lady as my hype man.

Perfect. Right. And she keeps doing it through the whole stupid fucking speech. And it's too loud. Again, the sound balancing is shit. So she's like drowning out the live, laugh, love speech with it. And it keeps and it's so irritating and it keeps going. Doors to the car open.

The Covington Catholic kids get out of the car. Damn, they found our weakness. But okay, but then the handcuffs fall away. The NSA guys are so terrified by this that they back away to their car. But their car is so goddamn far away oh 10 of this video is them backing and two of them finally get to the car the serrano and two of them are still like really awkwardly backstepping and they just drive away without him right yep yeah well and then man and black evil cowboy guy

rides off on his horse real fast because, you know, that was his condition. He's like, I'll be in your video, but you got to show me riding badass like I'm chasing a bad guy at the end. There's no reason for this. He's riding after the NSA guys.

He just scared off to what? To go boodly boo boo until their office land? They just stopped the car. The horse runs into it ah fuck horse versus car that's not good oh you okay nope horse is not okay horses i want to be clear horse is not okay okay one horse was harmed in the making of everything all right so now uh rachel and red hug and cry and shit. Yeah. And apparently she's...

Okay. Suddenly there are a bunch of goddamn characters we haven't met, right? There's like seven or eight bonus characters that have just showed up. There's a whole family. There's two old guys that look as confused as I am about their presence. Are these the ones? I guess. These are the saddest Avengers ever assembled.

ones i guess these are the saddest avengers ever it's like everyone at an outlet mall in arizona on a tuesday afternoon agreed to be in this movie oh wolf and yeah and they're and grace says to to red she's like ma can i go with rachel and red says it's up to you, hon. And Grace is like, okay, well then, no. Wait, what? That doesn't... You asked, though. They also are very excited about, I think, what they believe to be a pun, but is not.

So, we see the ones they've assembled, and they're like, alright, I guess we dodged a bullet, one of them says that. Then everybody chimes in, literally. But they didn't. They literally did not.

They dodged zero bullets. I thought they were going to do a sitcom freeze frame there of them all being like, literally. They go for it. The script said laughter, but they forgot for too long. Literally. Shit. go for it because the script said laughter but they forgot for too long so it's literally shit. Yeah.

Right. Right. But then but of course you can't stop there because well first man in black has to show back up and go I was a hero. Pull a gun. Luckily. They didn't stop their car and my horse didn't run into it and die because cars are made out of metal and horses are made out of metal.

Right. So he comes in and then, of course, everybody's like, well, I guess it's Christian, so we should pray. Huh? Everybody want to pray? Let's pray. And they pray. And then they all walk off together with, again, a family the story never introduced. Yep.

Moral of the story, Edward Snowden is an angel. Or an alien. Or both. Alright, so with assurances that yes, that was the whole movie and not just a series of scenes randomly pulled from some larger film, we're going to wrap up this edition of God Awful

Minis. developed over the last few months will be remedied. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we're back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting on 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And, of course, an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this episode would be scared to show its face

in the archives, but I'd like to thank Heath Enright for being my rock, Eli Bosnick for being my role, and Lucid Delusions for being my everything. I also want to thank Jean-Francois for providing this week's fucking epic Farnsworth quote. If we didn't have one from, like, literal Farnsworth, that would be my all-time favorite. By the way, if you had trouble making out that last line,

it was, and non-gender binary monkey people. So, you know, about everybody. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most dependable diploids, Egotistical Scorner, OhNoNotTheBeast, Person42, Nim, David, Tom, Christopher, CuriousSycithia, MyMomDiedSoThatICouldGiveYouMoney, Ray, Johanna, Safin, Bill, Nick, EW,

Michael, Nicholas, Petra, Roger, Mark, MinnesotaRiley, 124MM10, Sally, OhRight, IRejoined, Trevor, Casey, Mr. Crinkle, Will, Marybeth, and Jake, who are so smart they missed it by that much. Together, these 35 people, sentences, units, and Star Wars robots helped us keep the lights on this week by giving

us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help put inflation, you can also help by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and

following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson Handles for Social Media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. We'll also roll the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathegadius.com. we're gonna freak some people the fuck out hopefully they'll get it by the end there are at least some people who will not get it by the end. That's what I'm saying. I would like to create a pool right now over under how many people write us an email because they think Brian Bulgulik is a real fucking

guy. Oh God, that's going to be more than none.