The Scathing Atheist - 434: Arky Van Arkface Edition

Episode Date: June 10, 2021

On this week’s episode: Greg Locke attempts to miraculously un-kill four people at the Capitol insurrection ... Noah powers a flux capacitor with nothing but rage so he can roast some terrible people ... And God's boat doesn't work. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: In new book, Christian hate-preacher spreads lies about the Capitol insurrection: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/06/05/in-new-book-christian-hate-preacher-spreads-lies-about-the-capitol-insurrection/ Jim Bakker: Buy 13 Books from Me and I’ll Make You “Credentialed Missionaries”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/06/04/jim-bakker-buy-13-books-from-me-and-ill-make-you-credentialed-missionaries-2/ A Noah's Ark replica from the Netherlands has become a safety hazard: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/06/05/a-noahs-ark-replica-from-the-netherlands-has-become-a-safety-hazard/ https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9654057/Oh-Noah-Coastguards-impound-230ft-replica-ark-Ipswich-does-not-paperwork.html

Warning, today's episode has upsetting words in it, like fuck, shit, and Jim Baker is still alive. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, IPVanish, Stips.com, and by The Sex Scene in The Lion King. On further reflection, why the fuck is there a sex scene in The Lion King? And now, The Scathing Atheist. Well, hello. It's me, former First Lady, Rebecca Nutrumpf,

here to tell you that we're good, in fact, evolved from Chilty Quanky Fang. It's Thursday. It's June 10th, and it's National Ice Tea Day.

Ooh, so that unsweetened green tea bong water you drink is extra festive today, everybody. Enjoy. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Queen Latifah's, New Jersey. You know it. Jake, Paul's, Ohio. Both really good rappers.

This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Greg Locke attempts to miraculously unkill four people at the Capitol insurrection. Noah powers a flux capacitor with nothing but rage so he can roast some terrible people. And even dogs no longer give a fuck who Milo Yiannopoulos is. But first,

the Eliatride. about eight or nine years ago a buddy and i set up a table on the streets of new york city along with a sign that said believe in god we can fix that and a bunch of bottled water and spent our saturday afternoon arguing with theists ah to be young and have that kind of free time again. Now, I'm not going to lie to you. None of those conversations we had were great. I'd say half the people who stopped to talk to us just wanted to tell us to fuck ourselves. And the other half was firmly divided

between people who wanted to tell us about the microchips in their blood and folks who were actually interested in having a conversation. You know, the atheist, curious, the formerly religious, the bored, the lonely, etc., etc. And like I said, none of the conversations went particularly well, but there was a moment in one of them that stays with me. This group of teenage girls were waiting for their friends, some school group, and we had free bottled water and empty chairs, so they sat with us to have a chat. The leader of the group was that kind of

confident believer that only a teenager can be and was entirely taken aback by the fact that we didn't take out a fetus and stick it with a straw like a Capri Sun during the conversation. I mean, not only did she not understand the atheist viewpoint, she actively thought we were lying when we told her that we didn't believe in Satan. And look, she was a teenager, right? She's putting on a show for her friends. It didn't matter that none of her gotchas worked. She was working the crowd, which is fine. But there was one girl in the group who was different. She wasn't really laughing at the jokes her friend told. And you could tell she was actually listening when we answered the questions that her friends asked.

And when the cool kids got bored and wandered away with their free bottled water, she hung back. And she asked my buddy entirely seriously, so you really believe nothing happens when you die? And his response is what sticks with me all these years later. He said, yeah, but if it makes you feel any better, nothing's going to happen when you die either. And that's the thing, right? The religious and even some atheists think that death is this big gotcha that religion has in their back pocket, right? Atheism has an obvious secular answer to everything religion does. You like the communal feeling of church?

Join a charity or an organization. Hell, play Vampire the Masquerade. You still get to pretend you have magic powers and maybe someone will fuck you. Want to wonder at God's creation? Look no further than the legions of nerds who will show you the real examinable beauty of the known universe. Want to talk about big ideas? Sign up for a philosophy class now with more than one answer. But when it comes to death, it seems like atheism has nothing to offer. There is no atheist version of playing harps with grandma in the clouds.

But the point that my buddy was making all those years ago and that I think we overlook at our peril is there's no religious version of that either, right? The reason religion has an answer about the afterlife is because they're willing to lie and religion gives up a tremendous amount of real things for that lie. I mean, take grief, for example.

If you've ever been to a religious funeral, the entire thing is this weird-ass doublespeak. Yes, we will miss Dave, but we are comforted in the knowledge that he is not dead, simply ignoring us, and happier than he's ever been or ever will be to be torn from his wife and children by that bus that ran over his head. Yes, I know you miss your child, but I'd like to remind you he's in a better place, by which I mean not with you and where you'll never get to see him for the rest of your life. I mean, that shit would make a kidnapper queasy. That's not grief, that's taxpayer-funded denial, and yet society pretends that's the better

fucking answer. So yes, when I die, all evidence points to the fact that my consciousness, the illusion that I have of the writer behind my eyes, will cease to exist. Just like before I was born and every time I go to sleep. But I will leave behind friends and family that I have adored with my entire heart, students I have done my best to inspire, and of course, you, whom I have tried very hard to amuse for this little hour upon the stage, as it were. But no, I will not go to heaven, I will not chat literature with the bard, and I will not see the loved ones that I have lost. But hey, if it makes you feel any better, neither will anyone else.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the Andre 3000 to my Antoine Big Boy Patton, Eli Bosnick. Eli, are you ready to, I guess, order a soy chai latte inside a flower vase and be very jealous of that amazing Key and Peele sketch that we're referencing? Oh, Heath, those who are about to attempt two-man comedy should not bring up Key and Peele. This is like bringing up Barry White before we eat pussy.

Now everyone is going to be disappointed. Yeah. All right. I bet Barry White's amazing with that. Okay. We're going to take a quick break right there for a word from our sponsor, Zip Recruiter. Right. Yeah. Got it. But can one book the honeymoon suite for one? Is that something you do? Yeah. Yeah. I heard what I said.

Okay. Okay. Well, then ask a manager. I want to know. okay okay well then ask a manager i want to know oh hey uh hey eli which what you doing at the grocery store relabeling canned goods why are you doing that oh hey heath no uh see my mom is looking for a new accountant and i thought what better place to put an ad right in the the canned goods oh no heath not just any canned goods? Oh, no, Heath. Not just any canned goods. The beans. So that if a bean counter comes along, they're going to see my ad. Bing, bang, boom.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Wordplay. I got it. So I get that hiring can be difficult and it can be especially difficult to figure out where to look for the right people.

But that is why there's ZipRecruiter. What's ZipRecruiter? Great question, Eli. They are the smarter way to hire. When you post a job on ZipRecruiter, it gets sent to over 100 top job sites with one click. Then ZipRecruiter's matching technology finds people with the right skills and experience for your job and actively invites them to apply. In fact, ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Wow, just one day? That's right, one day. So while other companies overwhelm you with way too many options,

ZipRecruiter finds you exactly what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. And right now, you can try ZipRecruiter for free at this web address, ziprecruiter.com slash scathing. Once again, remember to go to this unique place, ziprecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. All right, Heath, that sounds easier than labeling these cans. Let's go home. We're looking for someone in the zucchini aisle, too? Because I thought I saw some of these labels over there, too.

Never mind what that was. Okay. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Greg Locke wrote a book of words. He is a published author now. The book is called Weapons of Our Warfare, Unleashing the Power of the Armor of God. Apparently he thinks armor is a weapon there. Yep.

Just a reminder also, when he says armor of God, he's talking about the like crew socks of wishing and the sandals of bread summoning or whatever it says in Ephesians. But that was all filler leading up to his big scoop in that book. The capital insurrection never happened. That was a weather balloon. Ah, insurrection denialism for when 9-11 trutherism isn't stupid or anti-Semitic enough for you. Got to ramp it up. So according to Greg Locke, that whole insurrection thing was a hoax. I know this because there's a section of the book called Case Study, the Insurrection Hoax. Now, that's not how the term case study works. Nope. No, it is not. He doesn't relate this case to any other studies about the concept of a hoax.

He just wanted a fancy way to say also hoax. Case study. I talk now. Exactly. And he voluntarily tells the story about how he was there at that treason riot on January 6th, but he never went inside the building. Also, neither did any other real Christian Trump supporters. It's the no true Klansman fallacy. All those videos, they were just deep fakes and crisis actors. He said the whole thing was, quote, a diabolical scheme to shut down the election fraud investigations and to vilify Trump in order to block him from ever reclaiming his office.

Somehow their plan worked for now. End quote. You know, because everyone was taking the election fraud claim so seriously before the attempted coup. And for now, what the fuck does Greg Locke think he's going to do? He's got a plan. Coming through in that fourth quarter. So Locke also speaks directly to his readers at one point, making sure they all get their story straight. Him and the readers as part of a book.

He does that. So you know how people who are telling the truth often need to confer? It's like that. He describes some of that crisis actor stuff that he saw, wardrobe and makeup, I guess, I don't know. Crafty. Yeah, there's a crafty for a bunch of Antifa people dressed all in Trumpy stuff. And then he says, quote, I'm sure your eyewitness account aligns perfectly with mine, dear reader, because it's the truth. And then we get so much concentrated lying and stupid and wrong in five sentences. It's amazing. OK, you want to keep score as we go? All right. I'm in.

sentences. It's amazing. Okay. You want to keep score as we go? All right. I'm in. I'm in. Okay. According to Locke, quote, from my vantage point at the foot of the Capitol steps, my team and I observed everything that was going on. Lie number one. Yeah, it is one. Yes. We also spoke with several eyewitnesses who were invited into the building by Capitol police. That's two. That's almost, we should give it two points there, but we'll say that's two. Continuing. I've learned from many. Yeah.

Excellent. Yeah. The verb learned, absolutely not. That's three. I've learned from many, including a member of my own team, that the perpetrators were transported to the Capitol in white government buses. Four.

That's at least four. Yes. Why? Why the color? How does the color like we trick people with the white bus? They would have known if it was yellow that it was they wouldn't all get on a school bus. It was kids. I don't know.

Anyway, that's for continuing. get on a school bus? Who's kids? I don't know. Anyway, that's four. Continuing. All were dressed in Trump gear and all were acting suspiciously as they moved into their scripted position.

Oh, that one was almost true, but then he used the word scripted. So that's five. That is not right. Five. Good to do it one more time. It didn't take long for any of us to figure out

what was really going on and that's six it's june greg it's june the new doctor strange movie almost beat your book about what happened in january and uh just a reminder this is the same guy who got foiled by cnn last week even without doing the interview with CNN. They foiled him by asking, will you do an interview? And he said, yes. Fuck, no.

So they just did a story about how he canceled in a panic and about all the answers they already knew to the questions they were going to ask. Those answers, by the way, were mostly something like, yes, I told my parishioners that COVID is fake and some of them died. I am become death.

And that guy is a published fucking author. Yep. In case anyone's curious, the book is available on Amazon where you can make a fair and balanced review if you take it seriously. That's right. Take it seriously, everybody. Also, he has a blue checkmark next to his name on Twitter. I want that fucking blue checkmark. It's ridiculous.

Can we get a red checkmark for the assholes at least just so we can look? Yeah, come on. Scroll faster. Color system. I'll take a red one. I want that goddamn blue checkmark.

I'm not picky. And in the not so fabulous Baker Boys news, good news, everybody. If you've been searching for a purpose, if you've been wandering the world lost for a cause now for the low low price of 13 jesus books you too can be a credentialed missionary of

the church of convicted felon and catch me before i kill again fraudster jim baker okay just generally fuck everyone who owns books as a credential. Like, I wish I could say this is only a Christian thing or only a Jim Baker thing, but it's apparently everybody on a Zoom call for the entire last year of news with their stupid bookshelf. You didn't read all those books, fucking liar. No, you didn't. That's why I organized mine by color, so everyone knows I never read any of them. So regular listeners to the show may remember jim

baker's 1989 conviction for 24 counts of fraud an incident that he blames these days on cancel culture what and not the fact that he sold more lifetime memberships to his christian theme park than could physically possibly be supported by reality in this dimension and then spent all that money on himself. But yeah, that was a cancel culture somehow. It was all those virtue signaling FBI agents from 1989 trying to cancel him with laws. But maybe you're new around here. Maybe like Blink 182, you're more familiar with their newer stuff, like getting shut down by the government for saying his silver juice cures COVID, selling a plant so you can make your own silver juice that cures COVID, or perhaps the classic of just selling food buckets that you can poop and things but like when the apocalypse happens you're gonna be locked in your bunker staring at your loose shit corner lamenting that bucket you could have had from jim baker right and your neighbor who did buy the buckets from jim baker on year two and

364 days is going to be surrounded by shit buckets and they've the one food one they have left being like, this is great. I sure am glad I did this. Steve nailed it. Look at my buckets. Oh, where's that movie? The guy who's just got to shamefully unload his three years of shit buckets from the bunker? That has happened, I bet.

Somebody's like bunkered down and was like, no, not open the door for three years and then finally had to. And then they had to empty buckets of shit, all their shit buckets for a while. And then they like the minute they got outside, they got shot by just a regular robber. And they were like, come on. So much uncomfortable on the Tushy. Much uncomfortable on the tushy. Anyways, as I teased at the beginning this week, Baker's got a new angle.

And can I just say, surprisingly legal for him. Really? Yeah. Oh, the book thing, right. Yeah, technically legal. As though he was being workshopped for his bullshit live on air, a guest on his TV show suggested, quote, is there some way that you could print up a card of some sort that when people ordered the baker's dozen from now on, that's 13 of his book, that they become a missionary of this ministry and that they are credentialed missionary of this ministry?

Because here's the thing. If we can get people to pass out the baker's dozens from time to time, that's 12 people they've affected. Think of it and I'll sign the card. And you can shit inside those books by the way you can do and you can do anything you want you wipe your ass with those books i love that they assume the person who buys them is going to read the one and give away 12 like they haven't already read it when they buy 13 extra copies so yeah i think it's pretty obvious that heath and i need to get in on this and start doing some weird shit as official credential missionaries of Jim Baker's church.

That said, pretty sure whatever we dream up will be more legal than most of his existing ministry. So, you know, win-win, win-lose, hard to tell. Either way, let's toss things over to our next sponsor this week, IP Vanish. Either way, let's toss things over to our next sponsor this week, IP Vanish. Right. And what I'm saying is if I book a couple's massage, but it's just for me, I can get two massages, right? I mean, no. Well, they can work at the same time, right?

Sorry. Okay. Just one second. I have to call you back. I got a thing. Hey, Eli, what is this? What did you do to my room? Oh, hey. Well, I figured since you weren't using IP V do to my room? Oh, hey, ETH.

Well, I figured since you weren't using IPVanish to surf the web, you wouldn't need any of this other protective stuff either. So I took off your door and your windows and your plug covers, you know, stuff that keeps you safe and secure. Right. Okay. Pin in that. What's IPVanish?

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Okay, that sounds great, but I'm not sure I can afford it because, you know, you stole my windows and someone came in and robbed me, I'm pretty sure. Yes, they did. Is that? They did. Well, for listeners to our show, IPVanish is offering an incredible 65% off,

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you can get a VPN for 65% off their usual offering. IP Vanish is the best of the best. Even rated 4.7 out of 5 on trustpilot and that's with more than 6 000 reviews show these guys some love they're repeat sponsors remember it's ipvanish.com scathing to get the deal and start protecting yourself online all right i'm in so can i get my windows and doors back yeah i guess so. But you are going to need some new condoms. I'm sorry, what? I could try and sew them. And in

Arky Van Arkface news. Oh yeah. We have a story about Dutch Ken Ham and his horribly failed replica of Noah's Ark. The guy's name is Odd Peters. Oh. And he started a floating Bible museum full of actual live animals and rode around Europe selling tickets to his pseudo history exhibit.

He doesn't do the live animals anymore because, well, you know, that was stupid and he definitely hurt himself. Yep. And you might remember him. We actually talked about him a few years ago when he launched from a port in the Netherlands and immediately crashed into a bunch of other boats. Instant. Right. Instantly. Turns out God's blueprint for a giant wooden box is not the most nimble of ocean vessels. But the story gets even better now that Odd Peters is docked in the UK. It's become very clear that his ark isn't even technically a boat by any reasonable standard of safety, so UK officials put him in a timeout until he fixes it. Yeah, just God standing in line at the patents and permits office.

This is ridiculous. I've been waiting here for 35 minutes. Yeah, so first of all, it's worth noting that Peters didn't actually sail this ark anywhere. No, he did not. The replica of God's magical genocide exemption boat, that's what it is, by the way, just to keep it in context.

The replica of God's magical thing doesn't actually go. Nope. So Peters had it towed around, eventually landing in Ipswich, England in 2019. And it's been there ever since. He's been asking to leave for a while, but the Maritime and Coast Guard agency was like,

obviously no, that's not even technically a boat. You're going to crash right away. We know you've done that before. So it's been sitting on the dock and getting a fine of 500 pounds a day since April 1st. Also worth pointing out his boat that can't sail, not built to God's specifications. No, because depending on the version of the book, they're either impossible or not even towable around, which is the way he gets the boat around now, by the way,

he tows it with a real grown up boat. Yep. My point is this guy cheated on the test for God and still didn't land on viable boats. No, he did not. It's a half scale, but not even exactly half scale. I think it's a little bit less than half scale.

Yeah. And it still doesn't work. No. And it uses a bunch of bullshit for the timbers part of the Bible where he's like, cut down a tree. He's like, trees can be any size. So I'll fucking make a boat shaped one. Right.

Yeah. So you'd think odd Peters would just spend the money for like the life jackets and the fire equipment to make the boat legal and then leave so he could stop getting a giant parking ticket every day. But again, it's also stuff like box that floats isn't a legal boat. Yeah. And there's a really good chance the floating part goes away when you smash it into a modern boat from 1840 or later that's not made of gopher wood and measured in cubits. So really, Peters would need to build an actual boat around his stupid fucking ark.

And he's rich, but I guess he's not that rich. So the Coast Guard impounded the ark last week. Makes me so happy. At a certain point, this dude's just going to have to buy like a shitty boat and write arc on the side honestly we'd be more impressed dude just you know just yourself a little scooter real one have the inside be stupid animal stuff i don't know so it's wood paneling gopher wood paneling gopher wood veneers all the way inside all the teak is gopher wood no it's not it's not what is gopher wood do you even know what it is it's gopher hat yeah so now the ark it's just

sitting there in ipswitch hopefully with some kind of boot device for boats i don't know what that would be but i really hope to have some kind of boot that they put on this thing. Well, for this one, they just leave it there. They just let it be the boat that it is. Actually, good point. The boot is nothing. It's not mobile. Yeah.

And also, everyone in Ipswich fucking hates it. Yes. Not sure why they let them dock there in the first place, but it quickly became obvious that you don't want a 40 foot high, 230 foot long tub just sitting there blocking the view of the water. It looks like, you know, those window planters like from Home Depot. It looks like that, but like not the nice one. Yeah. Like the as is clearance one. So just like the book that inspired it,

the arc is a stupid, ugly, dangerous thing that needs to be decommissioned by modern society. I think it's a really good lesson, actually. And on that note, we're going to wrap up the headlines. Eli, exclaim away. Your grandma. Okay, maybe we don't. Jumanji. Jumanji in maybe we don't. Jumanji.

Jumanji in case. And when we come back. No longer a Jumanji. We're going to be mean to people in order to mitigate the problems with unfettered capitalism. But first, a quick word from our final sponsor, Stamps.com. Hey, Heath. What's with the expository mumbling and grumbling? Hey Eli, yeah, I don't want to talk about it

Let's just say certain hotels should be a lot more clear About what they mean when they say booking a romantic weekend I see, so you're mailing back a bunch of stuff? Yeah I mean, who doesn't let you keep the robe? Okay, to be fair, that's like six robes, right? The cart was just sitting in the hallway. I wanted robes. Anyway, now I got to schlep all this stuff to the post office. It's going to be a real hassle.

Well, Heath, if you want to skip the hassle of the post office, why don't you just try stamps.com? Oh, what's stamps.com? Stamps.com brings the services of the U.S. Postal Service and UPS right to your computer. It's a must-have for any business, whether you're a small business sending invoices, a side hustle Etsy shop shipping out orders, or just navigating this hybrid work life. Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. And I can use it from home?

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That's stamps.com, promo code scathing. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. All right, great. So now I just need to find a box that'll fit this toilet seat. You took the toilet seat. It was very comfortable. Given a high enough demand for charitable insults, it's inevitable that we're eventually just going to reach a point where this segment starts with us screaming, you know, who else is a poopy head? but we're not quite there yet. So we're excited to present

the I shit you not 26th part of the year before last vulgarity for charity. All right, Noah, why don't you start us off for a change? David would like a roast for his wife, Carol. Yeah, yeah. Carol is a high school teacher

that lives for soccer. So, you know, she had a bang in 2020. But she also loves Shakespeare and knitting. So you can imagine the party scene has been missing her

as much as she's been missing it. Take that either direction you want. And in the photo that Dave sent us, she does not look like she's ripped on psychedelic mushrooms because she's a high school teacher and that could get her in trouble.

So she does not look like that at all. You can see that look in the eye. It's so obvious. I'm giving the photograph orange juice right now. I'm just reaching. Better hope there's some Thorazine in here. All right, Heath, back around to you. Megabissia would like you to roast her boyfriend, Michael.

Okay, we got a bunch of good information about Michael. Apparently, he loves food, but every single meal he eats leads to a very tragic slapstick moment where he ends up wearing most of that food as if he angered a Greek god at some point, and that was his curse. But my favorite detail is that his job is ice cream tester. What? Get the fuck out of here. It fits so perfectly with the photo we got. This photo is very clearly a Tinder pic and I'm

100% certain that he just finished naming obscure flavors in a very sexy voice to get the perfect book for this Tinder photo. There was definitely a script that ended with like pure flavors and a very sexy voice to get the perfect book for this dinner butthole. There was definitely a script that ended with like Tahitian vanilla praline cream. Snapped a picture, nailed it.

And another one for you here, Noah, how about a roast for Chad's former religious leader, Bill? Yeah. Okay. This is Bill Gothard. Oh,

not just Chad's former former religious leader but the spiritual guru behind the duggar family gross and when you look at the way that gothard allegedly molested and sexually harassed the alleged slave women that he tricked into working for him josh looks more and more like a strict disciple even a protege and the motherfucker didn't even have the decency to die since Chad sent in the request. The asshole is 86 years old. We've had an old people centric pandemic since then. Come on, man. Get with it. Also, you look like a fucking haunted doll wants to know if I've been injured in a slip and fall. He really does. That's so good. So, OK, Eli, why don't you sling us a zinger for the office of SSA?

Yes. As John points out in his email, this is the office of OK Boomer, if it could be assigned. These assholes come up with policies like, I shit you not, what if we pay everyone on the third Wednesday of the month to reduce wasteful consumer spending? What? And look, even though as an agency, they're probably filled with people who are trying to help and doing their best,

like balls on a dog, SSA, you're actually pretty useless and you're making everyone uncomfortable. Okay. Useless, but okay. So next up, how about a special request? These roasts were made for your eyes only, but don't worry, they will not explode in 10 seconds.

That makes one of us, Noah. All right. Noah, start us off. Emily would like a roast of her horrible mother-in-law, Tracy. Oh, the manager sees this lady walk in and just steps to the counter. When Emily's husband, Caleb, told her that he no longer shared

a religion, she said, no shit, that it would have been better if he'd died. Whoa. Yeah. So on top of looking like the boss fight Karen that other Karens have to snatch a coupon from to earn a belt or something, she's also a terrible person that prioritizes harmonizing fantasies over the survival of her offspring. Way to fail big, Tracy. Yeah.

All right, so Eli, this one is for you. Tanner would like a roast of his cousin, Levi. Okay, Tanner. I get it. Little Jew on Jew violence. I know why you're requesting me for this. Man, Levi is Jewish looking. We have a photo here of Levi post

a little archery practice. He's so Jewish looking, I'm surprised the target isn't a Palestinian child with a slingshot. Oh, Jesus Christ. Levi looks like he has a back tattoo that says trample free since 2003.

This is a Jewish looking dude. Wow. All right. So Heath, Javier would like you to roast people who give up their pets when they start having health problems.

The pets, not the people. Oh, okay. That was very good. Okay. It's a weird request. Okay, I'll do it. Fuck you, pets who have health problems and force people to give you up. No, no.

Oh, okay. Yeah. You probably meant the pets get health problems, but roast the people. Yes, exactly. Let's assume it's that that makes way more sense people who abandon their sick pet are the newt gingrich of pet yes but somehow even worse instead of divorcing a wife with cancer they abandon a dog or a cat rather than a human being who agreed to marry Newt Gingrich at one point,

after, this is true, being his high school math teacher. What? Yeah. Sorry, okay, there was a lot of extraneous details. I'm saying you're a Republican. People who do that are Republicans. Exactly. All right, I got another one for you, Eli. Kyle would like a roast of animal rights activist Gary Yourofsky.

Oh, it's the mink guy. I fucking love Gary Yourofsky. Oh, it's the mink guy. I fucking love Gary Yourofsky. Okay. Let's see. Gary is emblematic of everything people hate about vegans. He's been banned from two countries for freeing animals from slaughterhouses and fur farms. He has lost multiple teaching jobs for turning

his class into a how to break into farms and free the animals workshop. He has a tattoo of himself on his forearm holding a rabbit. And of course, really the worst thing about Gary is, I mean, he's probably right about most of the stuff he says, right? But in an irritating way. Plus, he looks like Heath's doppelganger from the Pilates universe. Who cares? Who likes that?

What? Asshole. A doppelganger wouldn'tanger from the Pilates universe. Who cares? Who likes that? What? Asshole. My doppelganger wouldn't go to the Pilates universe. That's stupid. All right. So, Heath, Anna would like a roast of herself. All right. Well, I mean, how do you roast the night manager of the grape area at Willy Wonka's factory?

That is tricky. But apparently, Anna's other job is making diamond drill bits for oil companies. She makes blood diamonds more problematic. Yeah. She turns the blood money into oil blood money. I literally can't think of a more problematic way to move carbon from the earth to the atmosphere without like literally killing puppies in the middle of the process for no reason. That's the worst.

Super duper evil. All right, Noah, you're up next. Same theme. Larry would like a roast of himself and his podcast, Humans Holler at News. Yeah, Larry looks like the Seth Rogen you ordered from wish.com. And despite how it sounds, he actually worked really hard coming up with that podcast name.

You would never guess it, right? And I'd say it's truth in advertising, at least. But if you've ever seen Larry, you kind of wonder if the humans part is a doth protest too much kind of situation. I'm not saying it isn't. I'm just not saying it isn't. And Eli, Stephen would like a roast of Stephen Molyneux. Oh, an easy one. I get it. it isn't. I'm just not saying it isn't. And Eli, Stephen would like a roast of Stefan Molyneux. Oh, an easy one.

I get it. Lobbing them. A man who went from criticizing Frozen on his YouTube channel to just having his YouTube channel frozen. Did he get frozen?

Good. Yeah, he's been kicked off. It's the fucking best. So, look, all this guy had to do was keep blowing his dog whistle and telling people to not talk to their families if they believed in copyrights or whatever.

But he could not stop being a Nazi long enough to cash the YouTube checks. This dude tweeted that if slavery were drugs, Africans are drug dealers and white people are users. So, yeah, Steph, let me put this in a way you'll understand. If white supremacy is the drug, you should have listened to the old adage and not gotten high on your own supply buddy all right heath you knew it was coming time for some dogs dogs great yep great nicole wants a roast for her good girl lucy and her fluffy boy reese and matthew wants a praise roast of his golden retriever, Shelby. Such a good boy. Okay.

So, you know that friend who has like five or ten girlfriends in a row, all with the same first name as his mom. And like they all wear the same raccoon hat and never take it off. And you don't want to talk about it, but it's so clear something's going on there. Well, Nicole is definitely doing something like that with her dogs. Lucy and Reese are clearly both chosen to satisfy Nicole's, I'm going to call it ear thing.

She has an ear thing. We got pictures of these and these are ear erections, ear erections, like mogwai porn, very pronounced. And then I scrolled down to the picture of Shelby, the golden retriever, who is wearing giant bunny ears in that picture. I have no idea how they could have possibly coordinated this on our document and sending in different emails. There's no way to do that. But there's some kind of ear thing happening. All that being said turns out i

might actually be an ear guy it's not okay it's not sexual it's just a pleasing aesthetic thing for dogs for you any yeah dogs in specifically now i don't i don't want to get into that you're gonna trap me into details again okay sure also i'm gonna say that shelby the golden retriever definitely gets some praise here's the praise roast say that Shelby, the golden retriever, definitely gets some praise. Here's the praise roast. She's doing that amazing golden retriever thing of clearly hating whatever stupid thing they're being made to do at that moment, like tolerate a bad petter. You know, people are shitty petters and the golden is just like, all right, I'm told not to snap at you. I'm going to, I'm going to let this go Or being forced to wear bunny ears for a picture.

That's what's happening here. But she's just toughing it out like a monk getting hit with a stick. It's so good. Doing that stoic look. Definitely thinking to herself, I better get a goddamn treat after this. I'm doing the stoic thing. I'm not snapping. I better get a treat.

Such a good girl. Good girl. Good girl, Shelby. All right, Noah, you're up next. Still rolling with the pet theme. Cassie wants a roast of Meatball the Cat. Fantastic name. Okay, but here's the thing, though.

Meatball is like top 10 cutest thing possible in any theoretical universe. She looks kind of like an amalgamation of all four of my cats, actually. And the worst thing Cassie could think to say about her is that she loves Cassie a little too much. So this is hard, but I'll try. Meatball, it's already fucking buried.

Why are you still digging in there, you stupid asshole? Are you trying to Andy Dufresne an escape hatch out of that fucking thing? All right. So Eli, Taryn would like a roast of Gary Gygax, the creator of Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, Gary Gygax has blocked more cock than abstinence only education. My friends,

he's created more Virgin Marys than an Italian statuary. But also the original D and D is super racist. And he looked like a first level boss wizard. So there's that too. All right. Heath, Katie would like a first level boss wizard. There's that too. Alright, Heath. Katie would like a roast of her sister, Janice. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. That is literally a

female Chucky doll and she will murder her. She looks like the American girl doll for Susan Adkins. That's the lady who murdered Sharon Taylor. Terrifying. God. Hard pass. Yeah, moving right along murdered Sharon Taylor. It's terrifying. God. Hard pass. Yeah, moving right along.

Noah, next one's for you. Travis wants you to roast Noah from 1996. Oh, okay. I got to be careful here because 1996 Noah is the one that talked Lucinda into marrying me, so I don't want to give him too much shit. That being said, the fact that you read it in a book doesn't make it knowledge,

you fucking idiot. Also, hey, smoking weed isn't a personality, but most importantly, no one will ever believe that you ever kicked anyone's ass. Why the fuck would you ever think it? You're so fucking skinny.

Chefs instinctively throw you against the wall to see if you're done. The worst part of it is that all the lies you're currently telling about yourself are way less interesting than the shit that's actually going to happen when you shut the fuck up and start being honest about who you are. And Eli, Ali would like a roast of turfs. Oh, turfs, because nothing says I'm committed to social justice like dedicating all your activism to fucking over a different group. Look, TERFs, bring it in. I get it. Feminism sold you a Pinterest board of your own empowerment based on not learning or doing anything, but on the idea

that having a snatch makes you magic. And I get it. You've always suspected that things were hard for you, like that time the Ugg store didn't have the boots you wanted and you had to wait a whole week for them to come in when you ordered them. But if you took a moment between your candle making class and your wine and sculpture class to reflect on why being born with a vagina is so essential to womanhood for you, you'd understand that it's because it's what it's essential to who you are. Not just as a feminist, but as a person. You're a useless minge. Also, feminism didn't sell it like that.

You just got it wrong. Feminism the whole time is saying something reasonable. You're stupid. It's because you're stupid. Yeah, not feminism. And Heath, Maggie would like a roast of Autism Speaks. Yeah, so Autism Speaks claims to be a research group that's all about awareness

and outreach, but their goals are a lot more like the plot of an X-Men movie about curing the mutants. Yeah. They might want to think about learning a bit more

about the thing in their title. So, I don't know, maybe check out that Sia documentary to become more enlightened, which would literally make you more enlightened, I'm pretty sure, maybe check out that Sia documentary to become more enlightened, which would literally make you more enlightened,

I'm pretty sure, on average. All right, Noah, you're up next. Alexandra wants a roast of her boyfriend, Ian, whose dream job is to become everyone's inappropriate drunk uncle at Thanksgiving. All right, yeah, well, so she sent us a picture, and she had the sense to send

one where he's all but cropped out in the bottom left of the frame frame and he's wearing sunglasses and has a beard so he just uses like sunglasses and a beard I got that's all I have to work with but I'm guessing that's all that Alexandra's got to work with too because let's face it if she liked the way he looks she'd have

a handy picture where you could see him you know oh and also like even in this far away blurry picture I can tell your hairline is receding ian it doesn't matter how you comb it man it doesn't matter okay eli this one is a special request doug wants a roast of his wife mayumi oh i mean what can you say about mayumi i mean literally what can you say about she works so hard so that her husband can go back to school she's a kick-ass friend and wife. She taught

herself to run 5Ks, but she does have one major flaw, her taste in men. I mean, Doug Mayumi, he looks like someone's first attempted a butter statue of Steve Martin, Mayumi. He cannot even make coffee without you. Look, Mayumi, this roast came in two or three years ago when he requested it. Okay. So here's hoping that by now he's either taken this roast to heart or that this year you're paying us to roast him instead. Okay. All right, Heath, back to you.

Russ would like you to Google MAGA tattoo and then roast whatever comes up. Well done. Amazing, amazing whatever comes up. Well done. Amazing, amazing request by Russ. So good. So apparently a whole bunch of these idiots literally got a tattoo of Donald Trump's face on their bodies forever. That includes some lower back Trump stamps.

For realsies. Oh no. I looked at dozens of these. And somehow, Trump as a tattoo always looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid. I don't know how that's possible. I can see that. I guess he kind of looks like that in real life. But super duper extra if you put him into a tattoo form.

It's pretty fun. Also, I noticed there's a lot of American flags. And they got all the stars. So we need to change the number of stars. We need to maybe like go down a few. We kick out Wyoming

and some other bullshit ones. Or just combine like all that shit into one, right? But if it goes down to 49, I just want a bunch of them having to ink out one of those fucking stars.

All right, Heat, this next one is also for you. Uriah would like you to roast professional poker player Joe McKean. Okay, so this guy actually won the World Series of Poker main event in 2015 for almost $8 million. And he was the world champion of Risk, the game of global domination, in 2010. There's a championship for that. He won it. So everything I say here is 100%

petty jealousy. I wish I had won those things. That said, neckbeard, neckbeard, neck, so much neckbeard. It's out of control. It looks like his neckbeard somehow took over all the other hair on his body. Like the hair on the top of his head is very clearly a neckbeard on his head. Yeah. on his body. Like the hair on the top of his head is very clearly a neck beard on his head. Yep. Yep. He looks like he's guarding the bridge over a moat to an incel island somehow. But of course, he never has to tell

any riddles because nobody would ever want to go there. Ever, ever, ever. Okay. Alright, Noah, you're up next. Evan would like a roast of Harry Potter. Oh. The whole franchise more than the character himself. Oh, right. And of course,

I'm doing it because I know so much about Harry Potter. I knew you hated Harry Potter, so I put you up for this. Magic lightning bolt face and a hat that decides your ethnicity.

That's all I know. But you know what? That's pretty much all J.K. Rowling brought to the table, so I guess it's all I'm going to need. Jesus fucking Christ. On the recommendation of hundreds,

I get through the first book complete when it's booger-flavored jelly bean plot point and pseudo-Latin shit, and I'm like, okay, but it's terrible, though, and then to a person, every goddamn person who recommended it is like, well, yeah, actually the first one is pretty terrible, but the

second book, well, you know what? The second book's not great, but by book five she really gets her shit together. Fuck you! It isn't good. You got tricked into reading it because other kids were reading it and somebody has to win the fucking lottery so she won. Stop pretending it only started to suck when Rowling showed herself

to be a bigot. Alright. Eli, Morgan wants a roast of people who describe themselves as being humble in their profiles on social media. Excellent. Oh, describing yourself

as humble is second only to having a lion as your profile picture in virtual guarantees that you're a giant piece of shit. Oh, but people, if you could only

see yourselves, you'd be what you claim. Humble. Yeah. All right. Next up, we have a round of political requests. And Heath, you're going to be up first with an Ohio request. Keefe would like a roast of former Ohio State Representative Candace Keller.

Yeah. Okay. So when Keefe made the request, Candace Keller was actually in office representing the 53rd district, which is just north of Cincinnati. When shitty white people grow up in Cincinnati, this is exactly where they move when they get married along with their creepy fractional 1.7 dogs and cats and their pickup truck full of loose dirt or whatever the fuck they're always picking up with it. No, you're not.

You're a liar. You don't pick anything up. Get out of here. Thankfully, though, Candace Keller is no longer in office. After the 2019 mass shooting in Dayton. What? She posted an essay that blamed the massacre on trans rights, gay marriage, drag queens, massacre on trans rights, gay marriage, drag queens, video games, marijuana, open borders,

Colin Kaepernick, Black Lives Matter, and of course, Barack Obama. Thanks, Barack Obama. And in my favorite part, she also blamed, quote, snowflakes who can't accept a duly elected president. How'd that hold up? So good. Aged so well. Great job, Candace. In response to that stupid fucking essay,

even the Ohio Republican Party had to slowly back away from Candace Keller, and they told her to resign and retire from politics forever. But instead, Keller was like, no, fuck you. People love my bigot stuff. I'm running for state Senate. And she lost the Republican primary by a lot. So turns out Ohio is

slightly less bigoted than Candace Keller. Great job, team. Good job. Love my state. Also, she looks like a Cruella de Vil latte. I don't even know what that means, but she looks like a latte and also Cruella somehow. I see it, yeah. And Noah, this one's for you. James would like a roast of Idaho Senator James Risch. Yeah, talk about a reminder that Idaho shouldn't have senators. I mean, sure, if all of Idaho was a city,

it wouldn't get into the top five cities population-wise in this country. And that's a good argument against them having two senators, but nowhere near as good as Jim fucking Risch. One look at this twisted prick and you realize they shouldn't be allowed to vote for their own homecoming queens. He's so fucking creepy,

it's impossible to look at his face without imagining him telling some kid that it can be their little secret. Yeah. That's very accurate. All right, Eli, Susan wants a roast of Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, you lucky motherfucker. Oh, Ken Paxton.

Okay, he looks like he thinks he got away with eating your joint at a party his daughter promised he wouldn't show up to. He looks like the landslide of bullshit coming out of his mouth has caused a Grand Canyon-esque slant to his face, through which a river will flow and form a new nation. He has a meandering face.

Yep. And that brings us to the final round. We have some brave souls who requested a self-roast for this one, so Heath, we'll start with you. We got a request from Christopher, who we met at the live show at AA Con in Cincinnati, and he would like a roast of Christopher. Okay. So according to the email from Christopher, quote, I'm tall and my hearing isn't great,

so I only catch parts of conversations. I just appreciate being included, as you guys did so generously. And yeah, we totally... And we were happy to include you even though you look a lot like... It's nothing to be self-conscious about. Lots of people have... With their face.

A lot of people have that with their face. I'll totally buy your frozen vegetables either way, though. Yes, absolutely. 100%. Very happy to. Unless the store brand ones are cheaper, because I assume they're the same. All right, Noah, you're next.

Samara wants a roast of Samara, but not based on a picture. According to Samara, I want a roast of myself for, quote, every time I told myself I would sit down and work on my novel, and instead I just ate pizza and watched anime or fell down a YouTube hole or played Candy Crush instead. Okay, Samara, I know this is a hard one to hear,

but if your novel isn't even more interesting than Candy Crush to you, this is probably for the best. Okay. No, just seriously, just plow through, Samara. It's almost certainly going to suck anyway, but don't worry. That doesn't mean you can't be a billionaire, as we discussed in my earlier roast of J.K. Rowling. That's true.

That's true. Get him young. Finally, we have one more. That's such a mean one. Good luck with the book, though. And finally, we have one more. That's such a meanwhile. Good luck with the book though. And finally, we have one more self roast for Eli. Wes wants a roast of himself, especially for the

quote 100% sober cooking fail with a home run in a frozen pizza. I deserve it. Okay. Picture's amazing. Wes, first thing first, you look like Jason Statham stuntman that he uses for long division, but that's besides the point. Podcast podcast listener wes has committed a war crime with his frozen pizza so bad from the

forensics i can do on this photo he sent us he put it into the oven upside down how wes it's a pizza the top part is the side with the sauce, Wes. At what point in the process of sliding this into the oven did you think to yourself, man, this crust goes on for a while? Wes, when you die, if there is an afterlife, and I pray for your sake there is not, I don't care what you've done. I don't care what bodies you have buried. This, this pizza is what you will answer to God for. Do you hear me, Wes? This is what you've done i don't care what bodies you have buried this this pizza is what

you will answer to god for do you hear me this is what you will answer all right well i'll tell you what there's still a bunch of rows to do but we can finally see the bottom of the bowl at this point so we're getting there if you're still waiting thanks so much for your patience and hopefully we'll get to you next time on vulgarity for charity anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout

for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time next Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies,

debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. You can also check out the podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons D&D minus the first Friday after the first Wednesday of every month. But I'll be fucked if I can come up with a brother, sister, cousin, fucker relationship for it. Thanks to Heath Enright

for filling in the role of grown up this week. Thanks to No Illusions for filling in that role all the rest of the weeks. Speaking of which, he got his third and hopefully final excruciatingly painful oral surgery this week, so there's never been a better time to send him your sympathies and any painkillers your grandma might have lying around. I also want to thank whoever provided the Farnsworth quote this week, but Heath is doing the edit, so he knows who you are and I don't. I'm sure you were great. But most of all, I need to thank this week's new patrons.

But Noah has that list, so you'll be thanked properly in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, rest assured, new patrons, that your genitals are really just super duper the best, especially yours. Yeah, that's right. You. Yeah, no, no, I'm talking to you. Those are some grade A genitals you're working with, my friend. Take it from me. Together, these fine folks found the fortitude to fulfill our financial floundering. And if you'd like to join them, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathing atheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're a gross, poor person,

you can help us a ton by sharing the show on your social media, telling your friends, and leaving us a five-star review on your local Taqueria's Yelp page. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices

of P. Andrew Torres, and he earned it this week, baby. Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used for this episode, which was used with his permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. I said and weird too. Okay. And. And. Okay. Normal. Just do a nice, normal, natural.

Don't overthink it. And then. Cancel Culture Club. News. Okay. I got this. Say hand. It'll get you out of your head.

I'm there. All right. Got it. Hand. Nope. Rhymes. Okay. I feel like stamps.com should just be like we're gonna give you a free pot scale

just sign up for the free trial you get we know what you're all doing you get a free pot scale there you go all you need to do is forget that you had it for one month and we've paid for our pot scale exactly everybody wins what are you gonna buy a regular pot scale no oh you're gonna sell it so you can smoke the other half no you going to sell it so you can smoke the other half? No, you're going to smoke it so you can smoke the other half. That's, that's got to be what a bunch of people are doing.

Absolutely. When I first heard that, I was like, Oh, I'm going to get a free pot scale for sure. Yup. I just forgot. There's not a sex scene in the Lion King.

There's absolutely a sex scene in the Lion King. Lions fuck in that movie or play in your head. They are walking around under the stars and they do like a roll around thing. And he ends up on top and then the camera fades away because those lions be fucking. Which lion? Simba and Samantha or whatever the fuck the girl was. Simba and Samantha, the lions, have sex in that children's movie. Absolutely implied that these lions have sex.

Why would the camera cut away if they're not fucking? I feel like the camera needed to definitely not cut away so we knew they were not fucking. Yeah. Otherwise, she'd just get up. But she doesn't get up because they fuck. Missionary. What? That is Lion King canon

is that Simba and Samantha I feel like lions are going not missionary. I feel like they're going lion-y. Doggy. Doggy, yeah. Ironically, they're big cats. Now I need to watch that movie again. At least the fuck scene.

Those lions are both underage. They are, right. But times seven, right? What's a lion year? I don't think you get to do dog years if you're fucking them. If it's a three-year-old lion, it's like 21. Then you can drink and you can fuck.

No, because the first... It's all the years except for the first one are seven. So they would be 15. That's for dogs. I just made up a new one where it's easier. You's the all the years except for the first one or seven. That's 15. That's for dogs. I just made up a new one where it's easier. You just multiply by seven. That's OK.

That's better. You can fuck a three year old lion is what I'm saying. We are saying that that's ethical. Here at the Scathing Atheist. Brought to you by. You can fuck a three year old lion T-shirt. All right. Apparently the Lion King had a sex scene.

I'm very distracted by that now. Sure. For the rest of this record, I'm just waiting to go back and watch that now. As well you should. All right. Here we go.

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