The Scathing Atheist - 435: Bath Time Edition

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

In this week’s episode, Joe Biden turns out NOT to be a sleeper agent for Bob Jones University, the Southern Baptist Convention gets mad about Critical Race Theory stealing the name of their ranking system, and we’ll act out the bible so that you can pretend you’ve read it --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Southern Baptist Convention meets in TN about how they're getting too liberal: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/12/us/southern-baptists-conservatives.html https://www.washingtonpost.com/religion/2021/06/12/southern-baptist-convention-secret-infighting-meeting/ No, the Biden administration isn’t betraying its support for LGBTQ rights: https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2021/06/biden-justice-department-lgbtq-discrimination.html Christian group wants body cams on teachers to monitor lessons on sex and racism: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/06/09/christian-group-we-want-body-cams-on-teachers-to-monitor-lessons-on-sex-racism/ Burger King shades Chick-fil-A on Twitter and donates to Human Rights Campaign: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/06/09/burger-king-shades-chick-fil-a-on-twitter-donates-to-human-rights-campaign/ MTG calls COVID a hoax because "I don't believe in evolution; I believe in God": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/06/08/gop-lawmaker-on-virus-research-i-dont-believe-in-evolution-i-believe-in-god/ https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2021/06/10/fact-check-hemingway-quote-misattributed-marjorie-taylor-greene/7623034002/

Warning, the following podcast was produced in a facility that may contain nuts, fuck, and other naughty words. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by MySheetsRock, Adam and Eve, IPVanish, and by the Southern Baptist Convention. Reminding everyone why atheist activism is still relevant and important on an annual basis. The Southern Baptist Convention. Yikes. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Good evening, my fellow Americans. It's me, former, and according to 30% of the country, still President Donald Trump. As you know, I recently had to cancel my blog due to low readership. So I've moved here to The Scathing Atheist where I can really get my message out there. And as my fans prove each and every day, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's June 17th. And it's National Apple Strudel Day. So if you see someone about to take a bite of cherry strudel, kill them where they stand. Okay. I'm Eli Boston. I'm Heath. Maybe just slap it out of their hand. Just, you know, relax with the killing. I'm Eli Boston. I'm Heathen. Maybe just slap it out of their hand. Just, you know, relax with the killing.

I'm Heathen Wright, by the way. And from Frank Sinatra's New Jersey and Dean Martin's Ohio, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Joe Biden turns out not to be a sleeper agent for Bob Jones University. The Southern Baptist Convention gets mad about critical race theory stealing the name of their ranking system. And we'll act out the Bible so you can pretend you've read it. But first, the Eliatrap. I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of life lately.

Not what I think the meaning of life is. My answer to that question is, I'm pretty sure, excruciatingly typical. Something, something, bring joy to others, yada yada, love your family, don't watch the television program Supernatural, you know, the usual stuff. No, lately, I've been thinking about what Christians think the meaning of life is. So, spoilers for an upcoming episode of our sister show, Godawful Movies, but a couple months ago, we reviewed this 1950s Christian educational film called Teenage Conflict. And there's this moment in the movie where the former atheist scientist says to the questioning youth in the high-waisted khakis and suspenders that contrary to what he thinks, Jesus is what gives his life meaning. And when I heard that,

I thought to myself, holy shit, is that what they actually think the meaning of life is i mean look not only do they think they answered that question a level of hubris that's baffling by itself but the answer they got is the meaning of life is to worship jesus and convince other people to worship jesus until you die so you can go to heaven and hang out with Jesus. And they're sticking with it. That's their final answer, Regis. And I mean, how much must the world fail to impress you for that to be an acceptable answer? I mean, look, during the Bronze Age, I kind of get it, right? You're dying to your teeth at the ripe old age of 25. The thought that there's got to be something better is comforting. But to look around this world of art and music and internet pornography and think this is some veil of tears shit right

here. Let me tell you, that takes some confidence or maybe a lack of it. Because I wonder if that's not at least a part of the reason the religious seem to hate atheists so much. Because if you're watching the preview and I'm telling you it's the show, that's annoying. But it's not, I don't think you should be able to hold public office annoying. And in the grand scheme of things, life is a pretty tiny fraction of eternity. So why bother getting so mad unless you know that you are watching the show and that instead of enjoying it, you've spent most of it loudly announcing that you can't wait to see what comes after this preview. I mean, by the time most folks get around to really questioning the religious beliefs they have, if you'll excuse the expression, they've sunk an awful lot of cost into that fallacy. Because when it comes right down to it, everybody knows, there's no one right answer to what the meaning of life is.

But there are definitely wrong answers and there ain't much sadder than knowing you've got the wrong answer and sticking to it anyway they're talking about you jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight is the textured soy to my protein, Eli Bosnick. Eli, are you ready to make an ethical shepherd's pie in podcast form? I mean, yes, Heath, but let's hope people like our show more than they like my shepherd's pie. I think we should aim higher. I actually really like it.

It's a really good shepherd's pie. Yeah, no, it's pretty decent. It's good stuff. All right, we're going to get some headlines going. But first, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor, MySheetsRock. Okay, first ad for the week. All right, we got MySheetsRock. Oh, nice. You know, they actually sent us a pair of- I'm sorry, did someone say MySheetsRock?

Sean Connery? That's right. It's me, Sean Connery, official spokesperson for My Sheets Rock. I'm not sure we're legally allowed to say that. Well, you just did. Cubby! Yes, Sean Connery? You look like a hot sleeper. I sure am.

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Oh. But Sean Connery, what if I don't believe you? Then I'll cut your heart out of your coward's chest. It's the setup for the must-read Sean Connery. Oh, right. Don't believe me? Their five-star customer reviews speak for themselves. Plus, they offer a 90-day risk-free trial and free shipping and returns.

Check out MySheetsRock at mysheetsrock.com slash scathing and enter our code SCATHING for 10% off and free shipping. My sheets rock. The official sheets of Sean Connery. Okay, I feel like we're going to have to run this past Andrew. I mean, he'll hear it eventually. Yeah. And now back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, the Southern Baptist Convention convention happened in Nashville this week. That means we have a bad guy fight. Bad guy fight. Oh, my God. It's the worst one. This is the worst bad guy fight since the centrist Nazis had that schism with the fully committed Nazis.

Sorry. OK, that was confusing. To be clear, I'm not talking about the Republican Party of right now. I mean like Germany, the Nazis back in the day. But the event this week was the religion-themed version of the current GOP fracture,

the conference. Apparently, there's a big faction of Southern Baptist pastors who think the Southern Baptist Convention is too liberal. The Southern Baptist Convention is too liberal. The Southern Baptist Convention. Ah, yes. The group that officially concluded that racism is nobody's fault two years in a row.

Obviously a bunch of cucks. I'm finally glad we're saying that. That's the one. Yes. So the convention convention had about 16,000 Southern Baptist pastors in attendance. Their largest gathering in decades. And the biggest issue was who to elect to their leadership spots.

Should it be conservative bigots or should it be ultra conservative bigots? Well, the ultra conservative bigots have been going crazy recently trying to pack the event with their acolytes. That includes Pastor Tom Buck of Texas, one of the loudest voices for getting all the super woke Southern Baptists out of power. And I'm not exaggerating with the language there. According to Buck,

quote, the big attendance this year is not an influx of the woke. It's an influx of the woke it's an influx of the awakened to what the woke have been advancing by which he means being black yes by the way right the problem this guy and people like him have is that too many southern baptists are black and you know would like their lives to matter but it's mostly the being black it's like four percent or something and just to be clear about the goals of the ultra bigot wing they're mostly complaining about critical race theory that's what Eli said before seriously that's their thing according to a bunch of leaked documents pastors keep getting fired from their jobs with the Southern Baptist

Convention right after they acknowledge the existence of racism, critically as a theory or whatever. Of course, that was never the official reason for termination, according to the SBC. It was always for the cause of go fuck yourself. So the ultra bigots are fighting for the right of sincerely held. Go fuck yourself. Ethnic slur. And I just want to take a moment to point out that once again, the bad thing that mainstream media found out about 45 minutes ago, religion has been up to for two years.

The cause, the money and the organizing power of every alt-right, far-right event is always fucking religion. It didn't start this year. There is. But horrible racism was not even close to the worst leak they had. Several audio recordings got leaked last week that had conversations between two high-ranking leaders, Russell Moore, the former president, and Ronnie Floyd. And they were talking about an upcoming meeting focused on caring for the survivors of sexual abuse. Oh, I can't wait to hear what they had to say. And here's what Floyd

had to say in those recordings about, again, helping the survivors of sexual abuse quote i just want to preserve the base as we think through the strategy let's do everything we can to remember the base oh so translation let's not alienate the rapists because they are after all the majority of our really important part of our base they yeah our base that's what happened and just a reminder the southern baptist convention is the largest protestant denomination in the united states with about 15 million people that being said it's only the second largest christian denomination in the country so i guess I guess let's hope the Roman Catholics in that number one spot are super ethical about racism

and sexual abuse. Fingers crossed or else it'd be really bad for the country. And in riding with Biden news, no, Joe Biden's administration is not taking the side of religious schools

against gay people. But Twitter is pretty sure he is. So we're going to talk about it. If Twitter is pretty sure of something. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's not a thing. That's true.

Good, good guide. So if you're like me, you saw posts over the past week or so contrasting Joe Biden's statements of support for the LGBTQgbtq rights movement and a headline from the hill that reads quote doj says it can vigorously defend exemption to anti-lgbt discrimination laws for religious schools end quote and if you stopped reading there and a lot of people did it was proof that joe biden has only been pretending to care about gay people, but he's actually a Republican in disguise. And your cousin was totally right when they voted Green Party because Biden and Trump are exactly the same. Ah, damn it.

Okay, first of all, why would you stop reading? Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't stop reading the headline at the headline. That's what Twitter's for. And ibid, what I said before about Twitter, it's headlinesonly.com. Don't get your information from just Twitter. That's stupid. But in this case, you actually could have kept reading and still got it wrong because some of the stories from actually generally credible sources like the Washington Post, for example,

they got this one wrong for an entire article. They did. They sure did. So let's talk about what actually happened here. So at the root of all of this is a law from 1972 called Title IX, which bars discrimination on the basis of sex. Now, last year, in a case called Bostock versus Clayton County, the Supreme Court held that sex discrimination encompasses anti-LGBTQ discrimination as well because not even Neil Gorsuch could think of a way that it didn't. He tried really hard. He tried so hard. He was like, no, we have to fucking admit our thing is

stupid. No, lady likes a lady shit. Words. Yeah. So the problem is that Title IX has an exemption carved out in it for religious institutions, and that includes religious schools and businesses. And if you think that's fucking stupid. That's fucking stupid. Yeah. Guess what? You're listening to the right podcast, baby.

Welcome. We do too. So obviously, and as they should, 33 students are suing the Department of Education in a case called Hunter v. Department of Education, alleging that the exemption for religious schools violates their constitutional rights. Because it does.

As well as the First Amendment Establishment Clause. Again. Because it does. Yep. So they've also challenged what it means for a school to be controlled

by a religious institution, because that's not legally defined anywhere. And if we're doling out exemptions to discrimination laws that's kind of important yeah okay but if we're doling those out feels like it should just be a sting operation right like oh hey welcome to the doling out of exemptions you want an exemption to anti-bigot laws got it just okay say it one more time into my carnation. Just you say that out loud. Great.

And right this way, we have that exemption for you inside this locked room. Go. If I was president, for sure. So you might be thinking to yourself, okay, Eli, thanks for the background, but what does that have to do with the Justice Department and how vigorously they plan on defending a bunch of assholes? Well, I'll tell you. As you noticed,

the case is Hunter, the Department of Education. And when someone sues the government, except with rare exceptions, the Justice Department has to handle that defense. However, before the DOJ could even respond to the lawsuit, the Council for Christian Colleges and Universities, which represents over 180 bigot universities that don't want to follow lawsuit, the Council for Christian Colleges and Universities, which represents over 180 bigot universities that don't want to follow laws, asked the judge in that case to let it intervene and defend the Title IX exemption instead, saying that the DOJ will, quote, not only fail to make the points necessary to defend Title IX's religious exemptions as applied to sexual and gender minorities but it may also instead be openly hostile to them end quote and they cited as their evidence joe biden's pro-lgbtq stance yeah but you know they think my pink shirt is the gay agenda like

i'm not saying me and joe biden aren't, but bigots think photons are pro LGBT in some sense. That's nothing. But again, yes, Joe Biden is not going against the LGBTQ community here. No, no, we are completely capable of defending our laws vigorously, and we're not going to add a bunch of stuff into the case in hopes of getting into the Supreme Court and enshrining bigotry into law, which the Council for Christian Colleges and Universities has openly said they plan to do. Yeah.

So Merrick Garland was basically lying about the word vigorously to keep the actual vigorous bigots out of this case and not involved. Yeah. So good work. Yeah. So back to that tweet about Biden aligning with anti-gay colleges that you saw. The opposite of that is what's true. The opposite. And while a lot of people who shared that info or meme or whatever did so in good faith, the people who created that tweet did so to

fool you into promoting the agenda of a bigot university coalition. Yeah, read the whole article. And I guess in this case, you needed to do more. Then listen to Opening Arguments, episode 498 for this particular topic. They tell you all about it. And look, I get it. I really do. For a lot of people,

Biden wasn't their first choice or their second, maybe not even your top five. And you buckle down and you voted for him anyway. And that was the right thing to do. But there's a part of you that would maybe kind of sort of like to be proven right about how you felt about them. And so you might be a little more susceptible to fake news like this. But when you fall for it, it's vital that you take note as a skeptic why you fell for it. And you need to correct it just as publicly when you were wrong, because otherwise you're doing christian bigots work for them and believe me they've got plenty of help as it is they're fine stop doing they're fine they

don't need your help and in all lies matter news we have a story about a christian group that's in favor of body cameras for accountability oh yeah well Yeah. Well, yeah, but not for police. For public school teachers. Hmm. Apparently kids are getting shot in the face with factual information. And we need video documentation to make sure we can identify the assailant.

The head of the Nevada Family Alliance is demanding that public school teachers wear body cameras to make sure they don't attack children with weaponized truth bombs like basic biology and sex education and of course

critical race theory. They hear black from the room. Get in there and shut it down. Sorry art class just talking about paints. My bad. My bad. So the Nevada Family Alliance had a conference last week, including a big speech from their executive director.

Give me that name. Yeah. Okay. You ready? Yeah. The name of that executive director is Karen England. Seriously? That's her name. Ann conquistador attorney at law

so here's what karen motherfucking england had to say quote every day we are told of another incident where a teacher is violating the privacy of a student or contradicting the lessons taught by parents at home. Every day that happens. Every fucking day. Or is doing a lot of work in that sentence. Continuing the quote. Creating a record that could be viewed by appropriate parties might be the best way to urge teachers to stick to traditional teaching traditional teaching okay you heard him we're only beating the shit out of racist kids with

rulers now that's the old-fashioned way everybody right also yeah we're gonna contradict the shit they learn at home if it's wrong that's what teaching that's teaching because parents are stupid a lot karen england every teacher in every subject is contradicting the stuff you're teaching at home. And good. They should. That's the whole fucking point. So just to be clear, this is not from the onion. It's super hard to tell.

This headline, it's the last thing before QED imposed law. I get it. But it is 100% real. And the level of missing the point is breathtaking. I don't think it's theoretically possible to miss the point any harder. These idiots heard about

woke liberals demanding body cams for police to prevent things like, you know, the murder of George Floyd for example. Right. And they were like, we want body cams for example. Right. And they were like, we want body cam for our thing now. And their thing is preventing kids from learning about systemic racism like the kind that got George Floyd killed.

Yeah. And by the way, that loud crash you just heard, that was the point boomeranging back and hitting him in the face. That was the noise of that. Yeah, that'll do it. And on that note, we're going to take a break for a word from our sponsor, Adam and Eve. Doing frog stuff. Frog stuff is my favorite stuff.

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so hard. And in Yask. and fit a whole hand in there I'm going to have to do a make good so hard and in Yas King news it's been a weird year for PR over at Burger King first they introduced their two impossible Whopper meal deal cementing them forever in my heart then they tried to celebrate women

by telling them to stay in the kitchen, which didn't go great. Wasn't great. But this week they celebrated pride by throwing shade at chicken slinging homophobes and I am here for it. Our chicken sandwich does not persecute gay

people. That's right. I mean, okay. Weird flex, but okay. I'm here for it too so here's the story as a part of the ongoing chicken sandwich wars that's a publicity campaign in which a bunch of fast food restaurants that are all owned by the same conglomerate pretend to be in competition with each other over who can make the best chicken sandwich instead of paying their employees a living wage and burger king as a part of that war, has introduced the Chaking Chicken Sandwich. God damn it.

That is C-H apostrophe K-I-N-G. That's what they went with for the name of their sandwich. It's clearly just some guy saying it wrong and a boss being like, Chaking! Yes! Nice! Nice! Good job, Johnson.

No second attempts. Anyway, as a part of that announcement they tweeted quote the hashtag cheking says lgbtq plus rights during hashtag pride month even on sundays eyes emoji your chicken sandwich craving can do good we're making a donation, asterisk, to at HRC for every chicken sold. Rainbow flag emoji. End quote. Okay, you know, human rights campaign, good stuff. And they made fun of Chick-fil-A for being closed on Sundays, which, okay,

so good stuff. I like it. Again, I'm here for it. Now, I want to point out that a lot of folks are mentioning that this is a near meaningless attempt for a large corporation with financial ties to Republicans to co-opt a social movement that's still fighting for their existence and lives every day.

I would like to point that out too. While the corporate seizure of pride might seem like mainstream acceptance, it actually allows people to frame the fight for gay rights in the past and ignore the very real work that has yet to be done. And that is true. That is true. But it also pissed off a bunch of Christians. So I'm going to allow it.

I will allow it, my friends. Yes, everyone from one million moms to the Daily Wire lost their goddamn minds and tried to burn their Burger King burgers or whatever in protest. But, you know, they're Burger King burgers. So if anything, they just stayed exactly the same. Okay, so you prefer a nice medium rare Impossible burger indeed i do indeed i do you don't want to cook off all that beet juice umami flavor exactly thank you pea protein exactly but look there is an

actual silver lining here even aside from the charity donation look every time a company comes out in favor of gay rights like this commodified and problematic as that may be that's one less place that bigots have to hide that's one more facet of culture that lets them know their beliefs belong in the past and are not the norm and if they want to eat anything other than a deep fried flip-flop with two pickles on a bread flavored jello bun. They're going to have to get with the times and that's a good thing.

That's the Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich in your head? That's the Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich. And in cancel culture club news, we have a story about Eric Metaxas being sad, which makes us very happy.

Yeah, that's the rule. The Christian media, whatever, whatever very happy. Yeah, that's the rule. The Christian media, whatever the fuck he does, had his free speech canceled by free speech last week. And that's how we know that freedom of speech is dead. Apparently Metaxas

violated the terms of service on YouTube and got three strikes. So they shut down his channel for his radio show, like they do for everybody who gets three strikes. So now shut down his channel for his radio show, like they do for everybody who gets three strikes. So now he's having a freak out and no jingle. Asked Anna, she said, go fuck yourself. Absolutely not. I mean, in this case,

she was just reading YouTube's official response to Metaxas' complaint, but it's from us too. It's also from us. So Metaxas has been ranting about this ever since it happened. And I'm sure he made some really good points, but I couldn't hear him because he doesn't have a channel anymore. Sad stuff.

So with his freedom of speech completely ruined, Metaxas went on Facebook and spoke freely. And here's what he had to say about YouTube. Quote, we've done our very best to comply with their creepy Marxist community standards. Okay. But they were digging into some of our older videos to find things they could use against us. Okay, I'm going to stop there. Just to be clear, the videos that got flagged were about COVID anti-vaxxer misinformation and lying about the 2020 election so if he was doing that several years ago i will concede the point but i have a bunch of other questions if that's the case

either way here comes the uh god winovich he continued as their uncredited hero joseph stalin infamously said huh show me the man and I will find you the crime. End quote. Uncredited. So Stalin can finally break his NDA about what it's like to work at YouTube now? This is going to be bigger than the WeWork documentary, everybody. You'll see.

You'll see. You remember the story of Jean Valjean? Oh, you know I do. Rosa Parks. You remember Rosa Parks? That's what it's Oh, you know I do. Rosa Parks. You remember Rosa Parks? That's what it's like for Eric Metaxas right now, if you combine all of those. He continued, again, on Facebook,

after everything you just heard, with a martyr speech, because he'll probably get executed for this by big tech. Quote, the loss to us financially is devastating. That just made me very, very happy. But when you're speaking truth, you cannot be daunted by such things. None of my heroes ever were.

And by God's grace, I never will be. We will not be silenced. This grotesque attack on free speech emboldens us dramatically in calling out Maoist and Soviet-style tactics for what they are. Maoist. An expression of deepest fear that the truth can never be silenced because it cannot, end quote. I mean, Mao and Soviet Russia actually did a pretty fantastic job of silencing the truth. Sure did. We had that one video of a guy blocking a tank.

I'm just saying, pick a less successful tyrant, you know? I don't think the tank guy was with Mal, but yeah. They definitely blocked truths or whatever the fuck they wanted. Falsehoods, anything, yes. They nailed it. But just to review, the choice by YouTube,

a capitalist corporation, to use their speech platform freely is Marxist to him. It's corporate Marxism. Yep. The proletariat called Google Corporation rose up and seized the means of production from itself. Yep. Something, something Joseph Stalin. Right.

And if you listen closely closely do you hear that oh what is do you hear the people sing singing the songs of angry man i think i heard the people sing oh now i want an all christian reboot of les mis with eric mataski eric mataski's kirk cameron is gavroche pat robertson as Tenardier. I'm coming up with great ideas here, people. Wasted. Andrew Garfield could get in there.

Yeah, apparently. Apparently he'd fucking take it. And in tragic The Gathering news, MTG Marjorie Taylor Greene did an interview with Steve Bannon last week. Steven fucking Bannon. And nothing tragic happened other than, of course, the content of their words. No lightning strikes, no event horizons, nothing burst into flame. So there is no God. We did confirm that.

Good proof. Good proof. And in terms of the interview itself, it was hard to hear them over the sound of the bees pouring out of both of their mouths. But I'm pretty sure the main theme was that COVID is a hoax because evolution is a hoax. And the two of us represent millions of Republicans from the Christian right. Yep. Yep.

I mean, look, if anyone disproves evolution it's marjorie taylor green supporters yeah and steve bannon personally and anybody who supports him yes so mtg took some time away from taking some time away from sitting on any committee in congress to speak with bannon on a show called real America's Voice. Mine. And much like the title would suggest, it's the saddest talent show ever created. And they don't even sing. It's American false idol. Fantastic.

Real America does not have talent, it turns out. And here's what Madge had to say about COVID. Quote, that's a bioweapon, so we need to be very clear about what was the intent of COVID-19 and these viruses that they experiment with like some sort of Dr. Frankenstein experiment. Huh. End quote.

So, what? What does she think Frankenstein was about? What the fuck is she picturing there? Definitely something with space lasers, because you know she's pretty sure Frankenstein is a Jewish name. Pin in that. Pin in the anti-Semitism thing for MTG. We'll get to that in a second.

So you hear all that. You're probably wondering, did I miss something when I read The Modern Prometheus by Mary Shelley? And also, you're probably thinking, did Marjorie Taylor Greene read a fucking book? No. No, she did not. The answer is, I swallowed a bee. Just give me a second. Just throw it out, throw it back in.

And from there, MTG explained why COVID is a hoax, plus something with Frankenstein. Quote, these viruses were not making people sick until they created them. I mean, yeah, that's how time works. That is how time works. She also added, I don't buy it because I don't believe in evolution. I believe in God. End quote. Nice of her to contrast the real thing and God like that.

We atheists always appreciate the help here on the podcast. Just doing our work for us. So those are all real things that were said out loud by a member of U.S. Congress. But, but in fairness to MTG, there's an important piece of news from last week about what she did not say. And as far as we know, Marjorie Taylor Greene did not say people are dying who have never died before. Apparently people were claiming she did say that, but her communications director sent an official statement to USA Today telling them, my boss did not say that thing.

She knows that most people only die once. This is my literal job today, sending you this statement. And blam, I get blam mic drop inside of an email somehow. I don't know. I guess that was a win for MTG in her head, even though, you know, people are dying who never died before. That actually would have been the only true statement from her entire interview with Bannon if she had said that during the interview. Yeah. Like President Trump before. It's not that she doesn't say stupid shit. It's that she didn't say that particular stupid shit. Just this one. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's the closest she got to a win this week because it wasn't that one. Mic drop. Also, okay, pulling the pin back out, one last thing. What? Marjorie Taylor Green. Did she do anything this week? At the age of 47.

She is 47 years old. Looks great. She is just now, this week, aware that the Holocaust was actually pretty bad. It was actually pretty bad. It was kind of rough. She went to the Holocaust Museum and afterwards, she felt like she needed to explain that the Holocaust was actually not, as she said originally, quite the same as mask mandates. In retrospect, at age 47, she learned that. Okay.

Imagine working at the Holocaust Museum and not punching Marjorie Taylor Greene in the face. Oh, yeah. This is our giant glass box of children's shoes. And here's me not hitting you till you're dead. And on that note, we're going to close out the headlines. Eli, you want to legally exclaim something

that's legal? I did drug dial Ted Cruz's office. Okay. It's legal. And when we come back, we'll have Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure for some Bible Peace Theater. But first, a word from our final sponsor, IP Vanish.

Oh, no. I made a geshwika. You sure did, Eli. Sure did. Hey, hey, hey, Heath. Who is this? Oh, this? This is the guy who stole your identity.

What? How? I don't know, man. You probably weren't protecting yourself with stole your identity. What? How? I don't know, man. You probably weren't protecting yourself with IPVanish. What? IPVanish? Okay, now, does that one go to me because he stole

my identity, or is it identity theft guy on the spreadsheet now? Okay, yeah, I don't know. That's complicated. We'll email Andrew about it and just, we'll move on. Okay, but if he rejects it, I'm calling for quorum. That's your third this year. You've called.

If you don't want quorum mediation, it's fine. What's IPVanish counts? Fine, fine. IPVanish is a virtual private network or a VPN for short. A VPN is a super important tool that lets you safely browse the internet.

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Yeah, you sure could, new Eli. I call him new Eli, by the way. And for listeners of the show, IPVanish is offering an incredible 65% off. Just $3.49 for the first month or $31.49 for the year. Wow! I could spend that on mango nectar.

That's right, you could. I don't just buy mango nectar, I buy lots of other things. So go to IPVanish.com slash scathing to claim your 65% savings. They have plans starting at just $349 or $3149 a year. This is the time to sign up now. With our discount code and their current promotional offerings, you can get a VPN for 65% off their usual offering. IPVanish is the best of the best, even rated 4.7 out of 5 on Trustpilot.

And that's with more than 6,000 reviews. So show these guys some love. They're repeat sponsors. Remember, it's IPVanish.com slash scathing to get the deal and start protecting yourself online. All right, Heath, I'm in. Anything to get rid of this guy. Oh, I wish I was a suffering artist like Flo Burnham, but I just don't have the talent, just the depression. Too far, Don. You're up a, just the depression. Too far, Don!

Too far! Too far. That was just the right amount. So you've got your inner condiments and your outer condiments, right? Sure, yep. Inner being anything too wet for bread contact, ketchup. Right, right. But also inner is for being anything too wet for bread contact, ketchup. Right.

Right. But also inner is for things that aren't spreadable, like feta or crumbled blue cheese, that kind of stuff. And every other condiment goes on the bread. Well, generally two go on the bread. Right. Because of the size. Okay. Well, what about which two though?

Well, the ones with the boldest flavor profiles. Obvi. Your mustard, your barbecue sauce, that kind of thing. Hey, guys. No, that makes sense. Don! Jesus, where did you come from? I appear in the podcast verse whenever you guys do Bible Peace Theater. Right. Hi, Don. How are you?

Hi. Well, it's just Noah usually interrupts your opening conversation to introduce Bible Peace Theater, and he's not here this week, so I thought, you know. No, that's probably for the best. Good call. We could have easily done a full segment on sandwich construction. No problem. Yeah, because we didn't even get into

meat ordering yet. You're right. We didn't. I'm outside in, by the way. You're right. Firm to soft, salty to... Guys. Guys. Right. Right. Sorry. Sorry. The Bible. So, where are we? Let's see. We're still in Samuel 2. Saul is dead, and David is king still. More. Man, aside from the title, we really didn't get a lot of Samuel in these two chapters.

No, no, we do not. Servant. Yes, King David. Is anyone in Saul's family still alive? I'd kind of like to be kind to him, you know, for Jonathan's sake. Oh, okay. That's nice of you. Yeah, he's got one son left. Excellent. Well, bring him before me. Hail, King David. It is I, Hail, King David. It is I, Mephibosheth, son of Saul. Oh, you're lame in both of your legs. Yes. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah.

No, I just wanted that noted for the record that this guy is lame in both legs. And yet, I am going to give you everything of Saul's, and you can eat at my table. Oh, wow, that's... Even though both your legs are lame. Like, it's very visible. Yeah, that's nice of you. Probably gonna have to move some chairs around to accommodate, but that's okay, because I am that great a guy,

just eating with lame people, no big deal. Thanks. This is my friend Shimnobeth, everybody, okay? Please treat him like you would any other non-lame person. Treat him like a normal person. Treat him like that, a normal. It's Mephibosheth. Oh, is that what it's called?

I'm so sorry. You hear that, everybody? He's not lame. He's Mephibosheth. Oh, God, no. That called? I'm so sorry. You hear that, everybody? He's not lame. He's Meshibbeth. Oh, God, no. That's what the term he wants. You know what? You know what?

Never mind. Never mind. Right. So over in Syria, Ammon dies. And so David sends messengers to his son, Hanun, who takes over. King David, the messengers are back from Hanun. Oh, great, yeah, send them in. Hail King David.

Oh, wow. Hi, guys, new look? Yeah, kinda. So Hanun didn't think we were actually there as messengers. He thought we were spies, so he shaved our heads and beards and cut out our clothes in half down to our asses.

Yep, now I can see that. Sort of a hospital gown aesthetic going on right now. Kind of look like you're in a porn parody of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Oh yeah, we're well aware. We came all the way back from Syria like this.

You did. You would think you would change, but okay. Well, let's go fight some Syrians. Yes, sir. Let's do it. For sure. Not you guys, though, with the cut clothes and the shaved head and beards. You just hang out in Jericho till your beards grow back.

Oh, damn. I mean, you look like a black and white cookie. What am I going to do? All right. All right. Damn. I mean, you look like a black and white cookie. What am I going to do?

All right. All right. So, one night during the war, David spies something he likes. Lou, Lou, Lou. Doing bath stuff. Bath stuff is my favorite stuff. Lou, Lou, Lou. Hey. Hey, servant.

Who is that? Oh, her? She's Bathsheba, wife of Uriah, your most loyal and faithful soldier. Nice. Hey, send her to my house so I can have sex with her. Seriously? Oh, no, I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, she's bathing, so it's totally cool.

She's going to be nice to you. No, no, that's not what I was worried about. No, I literally introduced her as the life of your most faithful soldier. Oh, that's true. You did. So you should probably go to her place because he's off at the war. Good thinking, servant. Good thinking.

King David. Oh, hey, Bathsheba. What's up? Up for round two? Just give me a second because I like yanked it 45 minutes ago. No, that's not what I was talking about. No, I'm still good. I just need a cuddle. No, I'm here to tell you

I'm pregnant. Oh. Yeah. So, what are you gonna do? Okay, well, my husband Uriah, your most faithful soldier, has been away at war, so,

you know, not a great look for me. Right, right, because everyone around Stone me to death. Stone me to death. Yeah, right. That's what they do. Rough. Okay. It is rough. Oh, alright, here's a solution. I will call Uriah back

from the war. He'll have sex with you. Then you tell him you're pregnant. Bing, bang, boom. You don't get stoned today. Yeah, okay. I guess so. Yeah, how about that round two?

Huh? Kind of want to deal with the husband thing right now. Sure, yeah. Let's deal with the husband thing first. Got it. Uriah! King Davidid i am your humble servant i lay my life at your feet right awesome thank you so listen uriah oh you've been working so hard out there bud killing ammonites or whoever we're fighting right now why don't you just like go home and uh you

know wash your feet if you know what i mean wash my feet uh you know get your feet wet because feet means penis in the bible they changed it right so you want me to pee on my feet? Nope, not. Nope, nope. I want you to go have sex with your wife. I am telling you to go have sex with your wife. Oh, that makes a lot more sense. Thank you, King David. Yeah, great. So.

But I cannot. As our people slept on the ground as we escaped from Israel, as our men sleep on the earth and they battle. I shall sleep outside the door of your house. Nope. Don't have to do that. You can just go home and have sex with your wife. Not while our men out there are sleeping in the dirt for your glorious cause.

I shall sleep right here on the door to your house. Okay. Hey, Uriah. Yes. Buddy. King David, my love for you is like a mountain. Thank you. I also like you.

So you've been here a couple days now, prostrating yourself and stuff, right, in my doorway. I've missed like four Amazon deliveries why don't you relax huh let's take the edge off with a drink or seven drink with you sire it would be my honor an honor yes let's get some drinks in you let's do it king david king david hi hi uriah right here buddy you feeling good oh yeah so good i i had some wine and um and uh some grapes. And you know what they say about grapes? What's that? What do they say? Wine is made out of them.

Yeah, it is. Yup. No, that's a good one. I love that. So, hey, buddy, I'm betting you could use a little foot wetting right now, huh? Getting your feet wet? You feel like that? Oh, right.

The metaphor thing. I should go feet my penis, right? Nope. Sex, buddy. Did you want to have some sex? Do you want to right? Nope. Sex, buddy. Did you want to have some sex? Do you want to have sex now? Oh, yeah. Ooh, yes.

I am going to... Yeah? I am going to go have sex. Yes? With one of your servants. Nope. Oh, yes. That is not what I want. You know With one of your servants. Yes. Nope. Oh, yes.

That is not what I want. You know what? It's fine. He's gone. Woo. Tom Copter. Joab. Uriah, you're back from King David's.

Yes. I returned to battle. He gave me this letter to bring to you Okay, great So let's see what it says here Dear Joab Please put this guy somewhere where he'll get killed As quickly as possible

Don't sweat it, trust me, he's the worst King David Um, yeah So did you read this Before you gave it to me? No sir, it was not for me. I would never do that. Oh, okay, okay.

But my sword is ready to pee on its feet. Okay, so, sorry, your what? Oh, no, it's an expression going around the palace. I don't expect you to get it. Right, right, cool, cool, cool. Well, why don't you head to the front, huh? Like, right up at, cool, cool. Uh, well, why don't you head to the front, huh? Like, right up at like, right up at the front of the

battle and, uh, pee on your sword or whatever you just said. Yes, to victory! Right, yep. To victory. Mm-hmm. Bathsheba! I have returned! King David! Have you convinced my husband to return and have sex with me?

Better! I actually had him killed in war and now I'm gonna marry you! Oh, um, David, did you convince my husband to return and have sex with me? Better. I actually had him killed in war, and now I'm going to marry you. Oh, okay, that wasn't the plan. No, no, it wasn't. But this is better. Huh? Right now, now we get to be married. Yep, we do.

Yeah. Yay. You don't seem excited. No, I said yay. I totally am. It's just, when we make plans, I wish you would talk to me before you change them like that. Okay, it's just that then I wouldn't be able to surprise you. Well, yeah, it's not really a surprise if you change our plans. That's not really what that means.

Okay, you never appreciate anything I do. This is exactly what I was talking about. Okay, in this case, you literally killed my husband, so... Still, still, it was a nice thing I did. Nathan, Nathan. Oh, oh, hey, God. I am mad at David again. Um, can't, can't you just go talk to him?

No, no, that's what I have you for. Oh. Tell him I'm mad at him for the Bathsheba thing. I, uh, oh, okay, I'll tell him. Okay, but don't, don't just say it. Like, hint at it, you know? Like, say, ooh, say you have a story about something else, but then it's actually about him. Um, seriously?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, are you busy doing something else other than serving the god of the universe? I mean, no. That's what I thought. Go tell him a story. Okay. Hail King David. Oh! Hey, Nathan, what's up?

God want another house? Um, no, no. Uh, he, um, wants me to tell you a story. Oh, nice. I love stories. Hit me. Okay, so once upon a time. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Are you not going to doodly-doo? Oh, um, uh, sure, sure. I am a rich man, and I have many lambs. And I am a poor man, and I have but one lamb, but I love her as my own daughter. Boring. I'm sorry, what? Boring. I'm bored, Nathan. Where's the relationship? Where's the tension in the story, man? Dude, it's a parable, and that's what's in the Bible.

I don't care. I don't care. We got to give the people some zing. Some drama, Nathan. Zing. Okay. Fine. Fine.

I am a rich man, and I have many lambs. And I am a poor man, and I have many lambs. And I am a poor man, and I have just one lamb. Okay, and we are brothers. From Boston. Yeah, that's right, from Boston. Hey, literal bro, literal bro. Give me your lamb, and I want to give it to this visitor. What the fuck, bro?

You know I've only got one fucking lamb. I'm taking it anyway. I'm fucking taking it. Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you. No! Wow. Nathan, I got to tell you, at first I was like,

these characters don't matter, and the story is boring. But then, then you gave them Boston accents, and I was just like, I need to give this guy a golden statue do you want a golden statue nathan uh no no thank you um i really want to give you one okay i mean thanks but um no did you learn anything from the story though um i mean like the moral about taking someone's one thing when you have a lot of a thing? You should kill and eat Jeff Bezos. Fair, but did you learn anything legal from the story? The rich guy is bad in the story.

Okay, okay, great, great. So, yeah, so, uh, uh, a heads up, uh, God is mad at you, and your nation will always be at war, and your neighbor's gonna fuck your wives in front of you. Whoa, what? Did you not pick that up from the story, or? No, I didn't pick that up. Is that it? I mean, yeah, pretty much.

You know, you know what, don't, don't worry, God, God forgives you, and your baby's gonna die I'm sorry my baby is gonna die I'm sorry did I not mention that no you did not mention that in the story oh sorry yeah not very good at this am I

and sure enough that night David's son that Bathsheba bore him grew ill and so David began to fast and pray in hope of winning God's forgiveness. God on high

hear my prayer in my need. Um, Eli, what the hell are you doing? I'm doing God on High from Les Mis. Yeah, man. Get with the program.

I know God on High from Les Mis. I'm just pretty sure we can't use that song. I'm pretty sure singing it as King David counts as parody. And I'm pretty sure you don't have a high A. You don't know, Don. I could have a high A. He definitely doesn't have a high A.

Really? You don't have a high A. I do too. You don't know, Don. I could have a high A. He definitely doesn't have a high A. Yeah. I do. I do. Really? Bring him off. No. No. You want us to keep that? That was perfect.

I'm going to kill your families. I'll kill both your families. Right. Whatever. I don't have a family. King David. Yes. Servant. Yeah. It's your son. I hate to have family. King David. Yes, servant. Yeah, it's your son.

I hate to tell you, he's dead. Oh. Well, then. What are you doing there? Oh, what's it look like? I'm starving. But I just told you about the dead son. You were fasting and praying.

Yeah, but it didn't work. So, you know, mount your clock, if you know what I'm saying. I really thought that was going to be a savable moment in this book. Sorry, I wasn't listening to whatever you were just saying. Hey, hey, hey, can you tell Bathsheba I am ready to fuck? Because we got to make another son. Am I right? Okay.

And on that note, we're going to wrap it up. We'll be back in a month for even more Bible peace. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for aemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show,

The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. And if your insatiable curiosity about what our editor Morgan Clark's voice sounds like has turned into a medical need, you can check out our

sister's uncle's cousin's show D&D Minus the first Friday after the first Wednesday of every month at 7am. As always, I'd be remiss if I didn't thank Heath Enright for being the mint to my upside-down chai latte in a vase, no illusion for being the black coffee that most of you ordered

and Lucinda illusions for taking such great care of him while he recovers from his third and final oral surgery. Big thanks to all of you, by the way, who reached out with kind words and encouragement. I know they mean the world to Noah, even though he'd never tell you that because he's like, if a cowboy was your dad. But most of all, of course,

I need to thank this week's new patrons, who? Noah showed me how to thank this week. But then I forgot, even though he told me not to forget. But honestly, Patreon is just so complicated. And he has this spreadsheet that I'm supposed to plug the things into. But it's in the analytics folder. So how am I even supposed to find the analytics folder? And he's like, oh, you can just search for it by name.

Anyways, if you think about it, it's Noah's fault. Together, these majestic motherfuckers have mounted the malfeasance against religious mummery by giving us money. If you'd like to give us money, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're trapped in a time loop till you fuck Andy McDowell,

you can share the show on social media and give us a five-star review everywhere you get your podcasts. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the offices of B. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote the music used in this episode,

which was used with his permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. Sorry about that, Morgan. I'm just going to go from the top of the story here. Sorry, Morgan. I'm trying to be professional here. I'm trying. You just know what's up.

Top of the story. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.