The Scathing Atheist - 439: Insult and Pepper Edition

Episode Date: July 15, 2021

In this week’s episode, CPAC reminds us how secure our jobs are, bible study is literally synonymous with domestic terrorism, and Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here with more kinds of dissonance than they give themselves credit for. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out more from Tom and Cecil here: https://dissonancepod.com/ You can hear the Burnt Church Atheist here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-burnt-church-atheist/id1553521628 --- Headlines: Diatribe References: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/09/opinion/religious-right-america.html and https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2021/07/12/white-evangelicals-decline-spurs-an-anti-democratic-movement/ and https://www.prri.org/research/2020-census-of-american-religion/#page-section-1 Prosecutors reveal that Capitol rioter from VA used "bible study" as cover to plan attacks: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/07/07/prosecutors-capitol-rioter-from-va-used-bible-study-as-cover-to-plan-attacks/ GOP Rep. Falsely Claims Biden’s Vaccine Plan is Plot to Steal Bibles and Guns: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/07/10/gop-rep-falsely-claims-bidens-vaccine-plan-is-plot-to-steal-bibles-and-guns/ Ken Ham adding Tower of Babel to the Ark Park: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/07/09/ken-ham-thinks-a-new-towel-of-babel-attraction-will-help-defeat-racism/ Two anti-abortion activists say they're launching their own "pro-life bank": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/07/11/two-anti-abortion-activists-say-theyre-launching-their-own-pro-life-bank/ FL Couple Sues Catholic School for Being “Woke” and Not Anti-LGBTQ Enough: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/07/07/fl-couple-sues-catholic-school-for-being-woke-and-not-anti-lgbtq-enough/

If you're changing payroll providers, switch to payroll processing services you can count on with ADP. Payroll time and HR for business. Visit ADP.ca. Warning, the following podcast contains full frontal profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Movement, ZipRecruiter, IPVanish, and by Sidney Powell's new restaurant chain where you never know what you're going to get, but you know, it'll be fucking crazy. Crack and barrel because seriously, all she's really going to need the money. And now the scathing atheist. This is Dominic DiStefano from the burnt church atheist podcast. And just in case you were wondering, here's my youngest. We call him Benny Two Cups. It's Thursday.

It's July 15th. And it's St. Swiven's Day. Yeah, because Groundhog Day doesn't have nearly enough necromancy. Good stuff. I've been saying that for years. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Grover, Cleveland, New Jersey, Cincinnati, Red State, and Redtown, Blue State, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, CPAC reminds us just how secure our jobs are. Right.

Bible study is literally synonymous with domestic terrorism this week. It is. And Tom and Cecil will be here with more kinds of dissonance than they give themselves

credit for. But first, the diatribe. i noticed a pair of remarkable op-eds this week one in the new york times and the other in the washington post and they weren't remarkable so much for what they said as where they said it the wapo one was titled why are white evangelicals embracing an anti-democratic movement? Because they're panicking. The other was a little more direct. It was called, The Christian Right is in Decline and It's Taking America With It.

So both of them were written in response to a new survey from the Public Religion Research Institute called the 2020 Census of American Religion. And like pretty much all national surveys about religion in the past decade or two, it wasn't great news for the Christian right. Among its most significant findings was that evangelicals are now outnumbered by white mainline Protestants. In fact, the number of evangelicals has been plummeting. They peaked back in 2006 when they represented 23% of the population, and now they represent about 14.5 percent that's a loss of over 25 million people now of course running away from them doesn't necessarily mean running towards us while nuns remain the largest religious demographic on the survey those 25 million plus fleeing the

evangelical churches are mostly pushing their chips over to the other side of the table rather than cashing out they're joining mainline protestant churches, which in demographic parlance basically means they're just going to less politically active congregations. And of course, in most ways, that's a good thing. It means that the assholes screaming about how gay rights are a violation of their religious freedom are losing clout. It means that appealing to voters' Christian prejudices is getting to be a less viable national strategy for politicians. And it means that the long-term trends are all in our favor. But it's not all good news, right?

Because they're looking at the same numbers we are. The fact that so many people are going to so much trouble doing shrine stuff like, I can still hate gay people if Jesus says so into law is precisely because they know they're on their way out of the inner circle there was never a need to write this shit down in law books as long as it looked like they were always going to have a comfortable super majority but ever since the largest religious demographic shifted to doesn't give a shit they've been in a desperate race to try to codify their bigotry while they still can

the problem of course is that as good as the secular world was doing we reached a certain point where we said ah finally we've got this dangerous animal cornered there's nowhere it can escape to now so who's up for some lunch in the wake of the religious terrorism that rung in the new millennium we actually went on the war path a bit you know not just the atheist movement, but kind of everybody. We fought back against the dangers of religious extremism. But as soon as we got the beast cornered, we started arguing about what to do next. Some people thought it might be best to just, you know, tidy up that corner so our prey could live out their life comfortably there. Others figured maybe we should also trap ourselves in a corner so that it would be fair.

But most people just threw their hands up in celebration and screamed, hooray, we did it. And then they went home. After all, some of the people they've been on the hunt with were a bunch of assholes and they didn't want to associate with them any longer than they had to. In fact, so many people turn their backs on the hunt that when the beast started to fight its way out, most of them didn't even notice until it elected a fucking president. And that's how we wound up here. A spot where evangelicals power is on the rise at the same time that their numbers are on the wane. Look, you and I are fighting for a lot of good shit. We're fighting for reason and logic. We're fighting for education and science.

We're fighting for civil rights and the best possible future for our children. But as noble as all of that is, it's never going to motivate us like fighting for God. The best we can ever fight for is something that actually exists, but they can imagine shit far grander than reality. So they can fight for things like eternity and the salvation of human souls. And sure, for a lot of them, that's all just bullshit to try to sell more heaven tickets. But for some of them, it's's real and that means when their loss looks inevitable they can be more desperate than you and i could ever be after all we're talking about people who resorted to terrorism even when they were in power and if they're not afraid to break this country when it's theirs just imagine what they'll be willing to do when it isn't they're talking about you jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the fire flower and tanuki suit to my one-up mushroom

heathen right and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to empower you know what i'm actually a penguin suit guy really fucking ice levels you can slide i would have said cat suit so there you go by the way if you google tanuki suit make sure you do it with safe search on, people. Very important that you do a safe search on. Strong disagree. Or just don't have Eli's search history. All right. Well, while we sort that out, we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's first sponsor, Movement.

Hey, welcome to typical watch buying experience. Let me shake your hand way too hard. I'm Bryce with a J. Ow, ow. Okay, yeah, hi. So I'm looking for a watch. You know, something I can wear every day or something to class up an outfit a little bit.

I heard absolutely nothing you just said, but feast your eyes on this. It's the ZX4000. They call it that because it's $5,000. Sorry, they call it the ZX4000. Ooh, it that because it's $5,000. Sorry, they call it the ZX4000. Ooh, or maybe you'd prefer this. Yeah, maybe you're a slick Tarun kind of guy. The back is so sharp it will literally harm you. Why would anybody want that?

$9,000. Okay, I feel like you're not listening. I just want a nice, classy watch that doesn't break the bank. Oh, then you want movement watches. Oh, what are movement watches? Movement watches have a look and quality of a $400 to $500 watch you're paying for at a department store, but cost a fraction of the price because they were built online and own their process from start to finish. Okay, that sounds great, but are they actually nice? You're darn tootin'.

They are. Movement let us try one out, and it's literally the most compliments I've ever gotten on a piece of clothing. They really are classic, good-looking watches at a fraction of what you'd pay at a department store. Plus, you don't have to deal with this guy. Do you want to hear a sexist joke? I have sexist jokes.

No, no, I do not. And now, Movement's expanded into blue light glasses that protect your eyes from screens, minimalist jewelry, and more style essentials that don't break the bank. All designed out of their California headquarters. That sounds pretty great. So, where do I sign up? If you want

to elevate your look with style that doesn't break the bank, then join the movement and get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com slash scathing again that's mvmt.com slash scathing all right i guess i'm done here with you but noah question if you already have a movement watch what are you doing here oh uh bryce and i fight in the parking lot every day at three you know we do yeah cool that's nice for you guys and now back to the headlines in our lead story

tonight there might finally be evidence of a link between christianity and violence weird yeah and also a link to crazy idiots carrying out domestic terrorism because of a thoroughly debunked conspiracy theory. But enough about the general history of Christianity. We have a story from this week about the Capitol riot and the crazy idiots who carried out domestic terrorism because of a thoroughly debunked conspiracy theory. And just about all of them just happened to be Christian. Coincidence. More specifically, we learned last week that one particular terrorist cell was using Bible study as a cover for their treason and guns club

that was part of the rioting on January 6th. I mean, depending on the chapter and verse, trying to overthrow the government could very well count as Bible study. I don't know that we can render on to Caesar that which is in a can of whoop ass. I remember that verse. So we heard about this during the criminal trial of one of the Capitol rioters who has a name. I forgot the name. We're going to call him Mr. Go Fuck Yourself.

It was something very similar to that. So apparently Mr. Go Fuck Yourself was leading a militia group and they were calling it Bible Study. According to court documents, they mostly focused on firearms training and stuff related to that that I am certain they referred to as tactical maneuvers mostly like hand signals they saw in a movie about navy seals and that serpentine running

yeah yeah a lot of aborted dive roll attempts i would imagine you know they got no no yeah so when mr go fuck yourself was in washington in January, he made friends with a fellow domestic terrorist. Spoiler, it's an undercover cop. Sure the fuck was. And the cop was like, hey, fellow treason enthusiast, we're the same age. Are you part of a treason club? Tell me all about it. Just right into my chest area.

Tell me all about it just right into my chest area incarnation i'm all about that and mr go fuck yourself said yeah well great question about the treason club i actually have a literal words cloak and dagger group created to build resistances for what will inevitably come and go fuck yourself invited his very normal new friend to their meetings. That's where go fuck yourself told his members to quote, keep your guns and be ready to use them. Go fuck yourself also mentioned the manifesto he was working on. He used the word manifesto and he said, quote, if I get into a gunfight with the feds and i don't make it i want to be able to transfer as much wisdom to my son as possible you have a straw i think uh watching your head explode from a

sniper's bullet is going to teach you plenty mr go fuck yourself a thousand words that's just me okay so how do you get to the point where you like you realize the thing you're writing is a manifesto but you don't realize you're the bad guy right it's a simple flowchart like am i writing a manifesto am i carl marx then i'm the fucking bad guy yep that's yeah that's the rule everybody knows that's the rule so the good news is we caught this guy. But the bad news, people just like him absolutely get extra cover from having any kind of Christian title for their group. Cops weren't willing to enforce laws about no plaguing during a global pandemic when the offender was a church. Somehow I get the feeling that Christian gunfighting bible study might get some extra leeway too sometimes bottom line if you have a christian title for your thing

that should be extra suspects not the opposite because data yeah yeah and by the way i also feel like it's bad news that all it takes to find a terrorist cell is walk around a trump rally going hey any guys got a terrorist cell i could join trying to buy mushrooms in a fucking dead show terrorists and in catherine and my side news nice it's c-pack week and while for most of the country that means a startlingly horrifying reminder of just how much money and personal investment there is in being evil here at the scathing atheist it means a cornucopia of material to talk to you about basically every right-wing asshole on our show gets on a stage a couple times a year and competes to make it on the podcast like un-american idol and of course our first

golden ticket winner this week was GOP representative and the worst thing on wheels since the Chevrolet Corvair, Madison Cawthorn, who claims... He's a big fan of the Corvair. It's the only option.

Who claimed that President Joe Biden's vaccination efforts were part of a plot to eventually steal people's guns and Bibles. All right, guys, working backwards, we have steal all guns and Bibles and then, you know, going to the left, we have start a global pandemic. So we just need to connect these dots somehow. They think that was the meeting. They think that was the plan. All I'm saying is if we're coming for their guns and Bibles, we must be coming the long way around, right?

Moses is 40 years of walking to get 500 miles to Canaan. Got nothing on us. Yeah, it's a very convoluted plan. So a little background on this. The vast majority of folks who aren't vaccinated at this point in the United States are. Well, their children can't get the vaccine yet, but the folks who aren't vaccinated at this point in the united states are well they're children yeah can't get the vaccine yet but the folks who can get the vaccine but haven't are actually still largely made up of folks who can't take the time off work or are homebound and can't

get to a max vaccination site so door-to-door distribution of vaccines especially to that latter group is vital because a lot of them are older but many of them just like don't have a car or can't afford public transportation to a vaccine or live in a place there is no public transportation yeah exactly yeah which is most places yeah almost all the places so point is there are lots of good reasons for this new door-to-door initiative to get people their shots and literally only someone truly as evil as madison cawthorne could oppose it so of course he did in an interview with i don't know i could have looked it up but it's some white asshole saying who cares who gave asshole mcassel face from

christian university cawthorne said, the thing about the mechanisms that they would have to build to be able to actually execute that massive of a thing. And then think about what those mechanisms could be. And then that sentence really badly. And then think about what those mechanisms could be used for. They can go door to door to take your guns. They can then go door to door to take your Bibles. And very laborious quote. That's actually true about the big mechanism. Joe Biden invented doors and other doors. We already have. Look, dude, I could use you to stop up a toilet, Madison.

That's not what makes you a piece of shit, though. Yeah, so this is obviously bullshit, dangerous, lying bullshit, which will kill people and contributes to the extension of a plague, which we could have beaten a year ago. But more importantly, it leaves me, Eli Bosnick, with a terrible dilemma. See, I want to be a good ally to disabled folks, but I also really want to tip over Madison Cawthorn. There it is, boo. So bad.

It's my dream. It's the center of my vision board. Stepping away from my microphone. What I am asking you, podcast listener, if you are a wheelchair user, please give me your blessing to push over Madison Gaughan. That wouldn't matter. Why would they be able to do that? We could do it together.

If they did it, it would be fine. Hands and knees behind the pool situation, I'll kneel you push it. Why would you need to kneel? We'll workshop it. I'm just saying, I need this. Get at me on Twitter. Jesus Christ. I don't think you can trip a wheel the way you're describing it. It certainly would not help that you were kneeling behind it. Yeah. Can't find out if you don't think you can trip a wheel the way you're describing it. It certainly would not help that you were kneeling behind it.

Yeah. Can't find out if you don't try. And yes, you can. You can just experiment. And in willing and Babel news tonight, as if showing the world how far from seaworthy or buildable Noah's Ark was didn't do enough to dissuade people from biblical literalism. Ken Ham has another idea up his sleeve. On the fifth anniversary of his stupid-ass park's opening last week, Ham announced that within a few years,

he'd be opening up a full-sized replica of the Tower of Babel. This is so stupid. Because that worked out so well last time, I guess. But perhaps reasoning that he's immune to the punishment since the shit he says already doesn't make any sense. Ham is going to push forward. Okay. I guess that's right.

Yeah. And he's got safety checks in place. You just build till the workers start randomly speaking Chinese and then you knock a few blocks off the top and you stop there. That's the building. Okay. Hot take. Ken Ham doesn't read. I think he's an illiterate person that would just explain how to read a lot right yeah so according to his recent announcement it'll take about three

years to research plan and build his tower of babel attraction but perhaps even sillier than his belief that this would actually be a replica of something that existed in history is his belief that the new attraction will quote tackle the racism issue end quote what okay yeah because you know if anybody's ever going to crack that racism nut it's probably going to be a white evangelical capitalist in kentucky yeah they're nailing it okay maybe what he means is that once we all learn that God created Latin verb conjugation to spite us, we'll join together and overthrow him once and for all. Okay, all right. I can see the path there.

But that whole Bible story is about God creating more ethnicities, right? So Ken Ham's thinking to himself, like, alright, we do it again, maybe God does the opposite, and then so, like, no more race theory, and then I fixed it. Yeah, no, it's like fixing amnesia in a cartoon. Yeah, exactly. Now, we should be clear here, this is not

the first time Ken Ham has announced that he was going to build his own Tower of Babel, and given what we know from his public filings, there's no fucking way the park is so flush with cash that it's going to be breaking ground on new shit anytime soon. So to a certain degree, this is a, he's going to redo the whole park in levels kind of an announcement. But after a dozen years of making fun of how he was never going to get his stupid ark built,

I'm not writing him off just yet. So might have more stories on this in the future. And next up in headlines we have a follow-up story about christian health care still a scam turns out still a scam same for all the stuff that starts with christian that i've ever checked and we got a new example this week christian banks what so yeah you know how banks are great but they're always killing babies babies yeah well uh somebody fixed it apparently an evangelical minister got tired of his secular bank and how they hold all the money non-christianly so he started up a christian bank it's called

pro-life bank one word yeah and they are getting my sperm donation whether they want it or not damn it we're taking the owning out of loaning you guys you can keep that if you want it that's fantastic okay so the plucky new entrepreneur who is disrupting the world of atheist banking is nick vujicic in case anyone's not familiar he runs the anti-choice ministry called life without limbs which i initially thought was a very aggressive title about an early stage fetus it's not it's not that it's actually about vujicic being born without arms and legs so okay so eli no jokes about tipping him over okay yeah can we just skip why i no jokes about words

you got i'm just gonna push right past it i'm gonna say you know good work overcoming that adversity but everything else about you is fucking terrible. That being said, he does have some evidence for God. When he was staying at a hotel in San Francisco, a team of demons walked right into his room. Huh. Are you curious about the dimensions?

The demons were 10 feet tall and 5 feet wide. So, God is real. I'm starting a bank. Give me all your money. That was the end of the story. He's perfect at banking because he's familiar with repossession. I just

don't get the connection there. Yeah, so besides the fact that somewhat large demons attacked him in San Francisco. Sheetrock, yeah. And of course, all the banks killing babies aside from that vujicic has one other big reason for starting his christian bank oh oh is it is it persecution

yep he claims that his atheist bank kicked him out for no reason they froze all his accounts and they sent him a really mean letter explaining how he sucks as a person so the bank doesn't want his business anymore and he got completely frozen out i bet that's the whole story moving on sure who is this wonderful bank and how do i open an account with them yeah i really want to know now so apparently apparently, Nicky Vooge analyzed the banking sector and found out that everyone is giving money to kill babies in that entire sector. So he decided to finally get some Christian people into the American banking game.

And just like any good businessman, he found a slice of the economy that was not being served according to the website for the new bank they did three entire weeks of research on this and they found exactly zero banks that were forcing people to give birth against their will so there you go niche discovered i don't know guys i've met the founder and it seems like this business might cost you an arm and a leg. Oh, darn.

Boo. And if you're feeling a little down and you want a quick laugh, you definitely need to check out their website. It's ridiculous. The top of the landing page for ProLifeBank.com says, Noah built

an ark to save lives. We're building a bank to do the same. And the rest is basically Tinder bios for Nick and his partner Betsy. It's not at all clear that they understand even like the general concept of

what a bank does in real reality. It's like that novel you've been working on was a financial institution. It's not looking good. Yeah, Christians, put your money there. The guy whose accounts all got frozen. And finally tonight,

in Hail Mary full of critical race news. There are lots of reasons to send your children to a private Catholic school. Smaller class sizes on average, better funding for extracurricular activities, or, you know, legally enshrined bigotry. There you go. Well, that last one was mostly the reason that Anthony and Barbara Scarpo sent their kids to the Academy of the Holy Names tampa florida an academy they are now suing for their money and donations back for being a shit you not too woke jesus my clients demand legal recourse give them their money back or say the n-word right now i'm a lawyer in florida this is my real job today i really this is me at my job a lawyer at foot like i feel like

you know the florida bar probably has a question where you have to draw lines from the slur word to the correct picture though yeah it's a lot like a denny's place yeah you got a color in a frame from i'm sure you're not the first person to compare the florida bar to a denny's place so here's the story anthony and barbara or banthony if you will originally pledged 1.35 million dollars to the school but they have since withdrawn their pledge and are demanding a full refund of their tuition because quote the academy in actuality failed to provide any semblancelance of a Catholic education conforming to mainstream Catholicism or the Catholic Catechism, and instead insidiously indoctrinated its students, requiring that they, quote, check their white privilege, end quote, and feel sufficiently guilty merely because of the color of their skin and because their parents could afford their attendance at the academy and the 1.35 million dollar to a jesus seriously that that was a real quote the complaint also specifically mentions that the school

condemned the bigotry reflected in the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and Breonna Taylor. That was in the complaint. That was the complaint. They did that. Also, white people should feel guilty. We're the fucking worst. If you don't feel guilt, you're like

crazy. You're doing it wrong. But if all these guys have to prove is that mainstream Catholicism is racist, this seems like a slam dunk right like they've already won but that's not all you see the academy also acknowledged the existence of gay people quote oh shit contrary to its advertising as being a catholic school defendant Academy avoided and continues to avoid all mention of mainstream Catholicism or the accepted Catholic catechism. They didn't hear it. For example, on a blackboard

at the entrance to the school where all ages pass, Defendant Academy explains how to be a good ally to LGBTQ plus individuals persecution but utterly fails to put any part of this explanation into perspective with mainstream catholicism or the catholic catechism it is literally what i said as a joke before but with a different slur word

oh well come on heath i'm pretty sure they would have accepted any slur word oh well come on he's i'm pretty sure they would have accepted any slur word but okay most of them yeah here's my favorite part here's my favorite part in addition to asking for a refund the lawsuit demands that the school quote be stopped from advertising itself as a catholic institution and for the florida cath Catholic Conference to stop accrediting the school. The lawsuit? End quote. The courts can do that, huh? Okay, or at least threaten to not give it communion.

That's the Catholic thing to do, right? Sorry, it's a false advertising claim because of not enough bigotry. Yep. That's literally what just happened. I feel like- I dug up the back of the basketball courts. There were no indigenous babies zero none show me a dead indigenous baby or say the n-word or give me 1.35 million dollars

my job today so weird day yeah this lawsuit is almost certain to fail and the school has already indicated that they intend to counter sue for the money that Banthony pledged and look I don't like to take the side of a Catholic institution ever but Academy of Super Special Names or whatever the fuck you're called if you're listening and we know you are

huge fans of the pod if you win this lawsuit you 100% need to create a gay scholarship named after these people. I will become, yes, I will become as Catholic as Joe Biden. Do you hear me, holy names? This is your chance to win one. All right.

And while Eli explores yet another option of how to devour man flesh in front of a church full of people, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumaji. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will be here to help us form Insult Voltron. The following is a reenactment of Eli Bosnick's actual hiring experience the week before last. Listener discretion is advised.

Well, hello, old boss from the toy company. How are you? What's that? You're trapped in England and need to hire people for a new location in New Jersey? Well, sure, I'd be happy to help. Hmm, you know, I've been advertising with ZipRecruiter for years. Maybe I should actually try them out and see how the service works. But you know what?

I'll post on those other sites I used to use when I was hiring just to be on the safe side. Well, hello there, theater job website. What have you got for me? I found over a hundred responses. Wow, that's great. Wait, most of these people think they're applying for an acting job. Yes, yes. I guess people just go down me applying to everything.

Oh, that's really useless. What about you, website that's probably too old for anyone normal to be using it anymore? I will give you $8 million for your checking account number. Yep. Nope. You used to be like that and you are still like that. Okay. Well, how about you, ZipRecruiter? Oh, yeah. Here you go. Wow. It's a dozen qualified candidates who actually know what job they're applying for and seem like a good fit. How did you do this, ZipRecruiter? Well, when you post a job on ZipRecruiter,

it gets sent out to over 100 top job sites with one click. Then, ZipRecruiter's matching technology finds people with the right skills and experience for your job and actively invites them to apply. In fact, ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Wow, you really did. Like, it's not just ad copy. You actually got me qualified candidates within the first day like you say you do. Yeah, I did. I did exactly what

I say I do. So while other companies overwhelm you with way too many options or whatever it was that old website presented me with, ZipRecruiter finds you what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. And right now, you can try ZipRecruiter for free at this web address, ziprecruiter.com slash scathing. Once again, remember to go to this unique place, ziprecruiter.com slash s-c-a-t-h-i-n-g.

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Would you like to read another very, very sad cover letter? No, I would not, TheaterJobs website. I would you like to read another very very sad cover letter no I would not theater jobs website I would not like that and we're back and we're excited to bring you what we're pretty sure is the anti penultimate maybe even penultimate edition of

the years the year before last, Bulgarity for Charity on Skathing. That's just, we're not counting the couple of segments we still have left to do. I'm cognitive. Speaking of which, let's welcome our partners in at least this particular crime.

Tom Cecil, welcome back, guys. Hey, Noah, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Marathon. I think it might even be Tom, Cecil, welcome back, guys. Hey, Noah, it's not a sprint. It's a marathon. I think it might even be several. Yeah, no, it's an Iron Man motherfucker. We're still insulting people from the before time. Yeah, there's some of them that are weird because now there's been a pandemic. Yeah, this is insults from the preface to the road.

That's what it's happening right now. All right. So, Heath, how about you start us off? Jared would like a roast of Merck's Law. Okay, that's a pretty good pick. So Merck's Law is the assumption that only Democrats have agency or influence over American politics. Sounds super dumb. Literally impossible even. But somehow, way too many people make arguments that contain it.

It usually sounds something like this. So Democrats tried to pass that voting rights bill as a bluff, and they secretly knew it wouldn't work. And that's how we know that Joe Biden is actually a Republican in disguise, in which case he has no agency. My whole thing fell apart. I'm stupid. So that's what it usually looks like. One other example. I voted for Jill Stein in the general in 2016.

Idiots. Great example. Fuck the Supreme Court forever. You have to think about that. That's you. That's your fault. All right. So Cecil Hein Peter would like a roast of his partner, Laura.

Okay, wait. So you're from Amsterdam and they're from California? When you met Laura, were they panhandling with devil sticks at the Beck show when he was still on tour? Right? Didn't your mother tell you not to date people from shithole countries, man?

Oh, God. Laura looks like she had to quickly find a costume for a Halloween party and the only store that was open was Hot Topic. Noah, this one's back to you. William wants you to rip into his Uncle Richard. Oh, God. Okay, so this motherfucker runs a mission for the needy that he uses to shelter his slumlord money. shelter his slumlord money.

He had a business hat, a business run in Section 8 housing until HUD pulled funding because he had too many rats and snakes in both his tenements and his fucking soul. Also, he looks like Mike Lindell went as Roger Ebert for Halloween. It's kind of weird.

Yeah. Alright, Tom, you're up next. Nicholas would like you to roast his ex-boyfriend josh all right josh was an abuser and a manipulator but you know the most important part of that sentence is nicholas was because to you for whatever else he is josh is also past tense and while there's nothing that fixes the past nicholas there's also almost certainly nothing that fixes josh and as the world moves steadily forward and more and more of us learn to spot the red flags and signs of abusers and clumsy manipulators like Josh, they will find themselves more and more unable to ply their trade and lacking the skills to really connect.

Josh will become more and more isolated. And you, Nicholas, you will look up one day and smile when you realize you forgot his fucking name. Yeah. Wouldn't it be fucked up if he did already and it's just it took us two years to get to it hey isn't that yours alright so Eli

you're going to close out round one Jimmy would like a roast of his co-worker Michael Jimmy when you said in your note that Michael had a dumb face you were not kidding jimmy i specialize in stupid faces i look at greg lock's face on a regular basis but michael michael takes the fucking cake he looks like he's reading the instructions on how to shit that he's taped to the side of his bathroom wall

he looks like if than Thanos hadn't gone after all the Infinity Stones because he couldn't count that hot. First he wrote it on the toilet paper and then he was like, okay, I see what happens. Post it. I gotta read it before I throw it in next time. Okay. Alright, time for round two. This category

is People Who. Heath, you're up first. Cindy would like a roast of people who blow off fireworks and not on the 4th of July. Okay, well, here's my hot take on this. Maybe instead of getting a bunch of kids together and exploding bombs, we do literally anything else. So I'm saying it's dumb on the 4th of July too. Seems like a good plan for all the days with numbers to not get kids together and explode bombs uh also people who do that dogs hate you and i hope you die there you go when the god of thunder attacks their entire universe with a hail

of gunfire dogs don't really care about tax evaders having a big day 245 years fuck you and cecil danny wants you to shit on people who are assholes on public transportation oh what the fuck you fucking fuckhead that has to have a bag and a perfectly made seat for a human you don't have to mark your territory like a dog this isn't a fiefdom you don't have to claim the seat next to you like Columbus collecting islands on a Caribbean tour. I'll just stand here like the rest of the people in this human Play-Doh fun factory while you spread out and open air

your nuts. Buckhead. Okay, Noah, you're up. Lindsay wants a roast of every dickhole who has a bias against black cats, and this roast is also for me. Good pick, Lindsay. This one's good. Right?

Well, okay. First of all, if there's any kind of cat that you don't like, fuck you. Okay, just fuck you. I'm still kind of pissed at that lady in Atlanta for calling animal control about the ocelot or whatever that crawled into bed with her instead of just spooning with him and giving him fucking belly rubs. God damn it. Anyway, fuck you and your bullshit

superstitious cat racism. You're afraid they're going to put a curse on you? What would be worse than being so stupid you think cats can put curses on people? You think you would be better off as a newt? You're smart for a newt. Right? You probably are above average

for a newt. Not doing so well as a human. Alright, Tom, I got one for you. Alright. Daniel wants you to make some right you probably are above average for a new not doing so well as a human all right tom i got one for you all right daniel wants you to make some people cry because they deserve it the target is and keep in mind that this was requested way pre-pandemic people who are anti-vax and anti-flu shot okay topical uh anti-vax and anti-flu shot okay Okay, let's see. Hey, assholes, here's something that isn't hyperbole, but is a perfect actual truth. Somewhere, someone's loved one was turned over onto their stomach, drowning from their own lungs

and dying alone while their family wept and mourned from a distance. Their hands clasped together because they couldn't be there to hold the hands of their dying loved one. And that is your fault. That is personally your fault. That death and more.

That pain, that agony, that weeping, that is all on you. Because even if you never got anyone sick, your stubborn denial to accept reality and science and facts gives cover for the next guy who did get sick and who spread that shit. And let's be clear clear no one needed to catch it and my sincere and honest and truest hope is not that you get sick but that someone you love the person you cherish the very most i hope that they fucking get sick i want that person to get sick too to be clear but second the order matters. Any order for me, really. And I hope with all of my fucking heart

that you have to FaceTime them as they die alone. And when you watch them slip away in pain and agony and loneliness,

I hope you know that it's your fucking fault and I hope you never forgive yourself. All right, Thomas is hoping for the death of the loved ones

of his roasties again. Three votes. Three votes. No, no, it's fair. It's fair. I'm there. So, Eli, Ducks Proxy wants some hate for people who piss on the toilet seat in the men's room.

You know what, Ducks? I bet your penis works great every single time, doesn't it, Ducks? What are you, 20, 25, Australian? Oh, sure. Every P is just a spear that flies forth perfectly, hitting whatever target you choose. Well, some of us aren't that lucky, Ducks. Some of us have noticed, I'm going to say it, a leak or two in the hose over the past couple of years.

The spiral seems to have uncoiled a bit. Sure. You want to clean it up, but who's to say this pisses off on the scene? I sprinkle a bit and all of a sudden I'm the fucking janitor, Ducks? No, Ducks. You. You check your penis working privilege,

my friend. But those guys who smear shit on the walls they can fuck themselves that's weird lift the thing Eli is it like a phone cord what are you describing like a pig's tail I'm convinced every

so you know how your pee is a spiral why did you ask this sorry my urine is lamellar flow. It just comes out perfectly straight every time. I'm tired of finding out weird stuff about my dick. I'm 33. They promised it would stop someday. Okay.

All right, well, we've still got some roasts to do. Before we wrap them up, we're going to take one last break from a word from our final sponsor this week, IP Vanish. Okay, and then Tuesday for scathing? Yep, that works for me. Oh, that actually doesn't work for me. I have a doctor's appointment. No.

No, you don't. What? Yes, I do. No, you're meeting up with Mike from eBay to get those body pillows you ordered. What? I was tired of you guys always making up excuses for missing our records, so I hacked your computers.

Dude, seriously? Not cool, Noah. Well, I'm sorry, but if you wanted to keep your information safe, you should have been using IP Vanish. Oh, what's a body pillow? Nope. Nope. Not what the ad is for. Are you sure? I am very sure, yes.

Okay. Okay. What's IPVanish? IPVanish is a virtual private network, a VPN for short. A VPN is a super important tool that helps you safely browse the internet. You can use a VPN on your computers, tablets, phones, even things like your Fire Stick when you're streaming media. And when you use a

VPN, all your data is encrypted. So, Heath, I wouldn't know that you've been taking Mario Kart lessons for the last four months in a desperate hope of meeting a child. It's a child who cheats. It's a cheating child. They're cheating.

But at $100 an hour, Heath, really? Victory at any cost. Okay, well, luckily for you and listeners of the show, IPVanish is offering an incredible 65% off, just $3.49 for the first month or $31.9 for the year. So Eli, you could even afford it

with your crippling gambling addiction. It's not gambling, it's pachinko. It's a Japanese thing. You wouldn't understand it. Okay, it's still, okay. But just go to ipvanish.com slash scathing and claim your 65% savings. They have plans that start at just $349 or $3149 a year.

This is the time to sign up. With our discount and their current promotional offering, you can get a VPN for 65% off their usual offering. IPVanish is the best of the best, even rated 4.7 out of 5 on Trustpilot, and that's with over 6,000 reviews. Show these guys some love. They're repeat sponsors. Remember, it's IPVanish.com to get the deal and start protecting yourself online.

Well, I'm definitely in. Alright. So, game record on Friday? Oh, Friday? I can't. I have a... I'm spying on a child's Mario Kart Strats. Saturday it is time. I can do Saturday.

Really good. Okay, still rolling with People Who Heath. You can do Saturday. Really good. Okay, still rolling with people who Heath, you're up next. Lauren wants a roast of people who are white boomers claiming to be priests of African religions. Okay. Yeah, so boomers

who do that, bring it in. You know how the president of Zimbabwe is not the British Museum? It's like that. Stop it. Stop doing what you're doing. And before you even say it, I know you voted for Obama and you own

a djembe. Don't tell me that. Still no. Still stop what you're doing. Oh, and now you want to name your black friend? You want to name her? Okay, yeah. Three, two, not much time left don't say dashiki dashiki yeah no that's a shirt all right he said hats cecil sharon wants you to roast people who drive four-wheel drive in the snow too fast okay schmuck i realize Infiniti F35 has all-wheel drive, but you have no idea how to pilot that thing in the best of conditions.

What makes you think you're capable of slaloming that thing through rush hour traffic? Traction to move forward does nothing to help you stop. You're about to play Newton's Cradle with your baby on board, fuckhead. You got to accelerate into the skin. Yeah. Turn real hard. Yeah. Okay, Noah, back to you.

Roger wants a roast for people who think the war on Christmas is real. Oh, I just, it's one of the delights of being atheists, right? Occasionally, you're just out like, you know, walking your dog or whatever you look over and there's some out of breath Christian and you're're going like oh shit was i winning a race against you i'm sorry no you were there but here's the thing so what if it is real right your guy is the creator of the goddamn universe he has brimstone cannons and a pause button for the fucking sun. We've got inclusive greetings and a holiday neutral Starbucks cup. You should be inviting this competition. And at the very least, you should be winning it.

That's the big one. All right, Eli, you're next. Colin asked for a roast of people who are Canadian and Trump supporters. What? Oh, Canadian Trump supporters. Right up there with Brexit fans and fiddlers of the late Roman Empire. Look, I'm sorry, Canadian Trump supporters.

Is your nation not going to shit fast enough for you? You got President Blackface has you locked in a bubble like you read the first two chapters of World War Z. Your healthcare system's been handed over to the crack that Rob Ford smoked. And you want to support Donald fucking Trump? Canadian Trump supporters,

listen up. If you want to live in America, we will swap with you. Just name the river. I'm you. You're me. I'll even buy you a hat. Fuck it up. Alright, Tom, you're gonna close out this round. Ted wants you to roast people who are his sister's ex and are named Pat.

I'm sorry. We only had nine that fit the theme that I was doing. I was going to say. All right. Well, for some reason, one of the things I was supposed to know about Pat, sandwiched among many very bad things, was the fact that he likes to skip work to go sailing. I'm not sure why that's bad

maybe he's bad at sailing okay it wasn't clear anyway other than his insistence on a hard swing and his work-life balance pat's just another one of those rich entitled fucks who despite having everything handed to him still has not spent one minute of his life of leisure to get past the massive crushing insecurity and pettiness that motivates every moment of his fucking life so he's cruel by instinct and by default because he's afraid that if he doesn't show off he'll be shown up and he will ted because it never lasts with guys like pat because sooner or later someone comes around with money power and no appetite for bullshit and i fucking promise you they will sink your battleship well done sir that sound means it's time for another spightning row the category is shitty friends and i want you

to break up with these friends in analogy format so like you're roasty is to friendship ass blank is to blank heath you're gonna start it off. Rick needs to break up with his religious friend, Neil. Okay, so we got a photo of Neil, and he's very clearly dressed up as a superhero with the power of toothpaste. I'm not sure

what that means, but that's what he looks like. And that fits perfectly, actually, because Neil is to friendship as toothpaste is to orange juice. Horrible, very good. Five out of five dentists say we hate you at least twice a day. All right. And Cecil Cullen needs you to break up with Nick.

Okay. Nick is to friendship as a steel wool pad is to a hundred-year-old, perfectly seasoned cast iron. I only say this because you have an impenetrable red tuft of hair on your face that looks like a tumbleweed rolled through an open crime scene. Noah, this one's for you. Veronica needs to break up with her friend, Anton. Oh, boy, doesn't she? Yeah. Anton is to friendship as that thing on his lip is to a mustache.

Right? I mean, you can tell that that's what he's going for, but it's just as obvious he's never going to get there. Seriously, dude, you make me wonder why face urchin isn't already a phrase. Tom, this is a special request from Dennis to once again roast his friend Max. Break him up so you won't

have to deal with Max a third time. I will try. Okay, let's see. Max is to friendship as Chernobyl is to DNA. Not at all fucking helpful and a hell of a lot more ugly than you'd expect. And Eli, Travis needs you to break up with Jeremy for him. Alright, got a slightly different twist on this one. I'm going to go with Jeremy. Travis and you are like Sam Harris and the

guests on his podcast. You seem racist and he probably shouldn't associate with you. Also, you took this picture in Hawaiian garb with this little girl.

I assume she's your child, but you look like the white colonizer apologizing for just having killed moana you're like no darling you have to understand we need this land honey why are you crying all right all right great spightning folks all right so that brings us to the final round these people get extra credit for making requests that we especially enjoyed and heath we're gonna start

with you stephanie wants a roast of swans. It's about fucking time. Thank you, Stephanie. Yeah. Fuck swans. Stupid birds. They can't even fly. They're stupid. Swans can definitely fly. They absolutely fly. I don't think that. Agree to disagree. Regardless, they look

ridiculous. Their stupid fucking neck face. They look like a silly putty with a bendy straw. Like a giant version of that. They're like Spy vs. Spy made a tea kettle. That's a bird shape? I feel like I should use them to hang a

shower curtain for a giant. Right. That makes sense. Hannah wants a roast of Logan Paul. Logan Paul is a perfect example that if you're somewhat pretty and white,

you can do horrible shit like exploit suicide and everyone will forget like Ronald Reagan at a press conference. Really, his voice is like a chef's knife cutting on a granite countertop.

He looks like someone blew half the seeds off a dandelion. He's the colorier racer in grade school and he's still wildly popular half the seeds off a dandelion. He's the colorier racer in grade school and he's still wildly popular. He's like a curse on all Americans because we built our houses on Native

American burial grounds. Yes! There's a ghost I could be scared of. Terrence wants a roast of Mike Pence and Mother. Oh, yeah. Well, hey, look, his side wanted him hanged, so I guess he's getting off light on our side.

Okay, well, I'm not going to make fun of his appearance because that's been done to death. To be clear, I'm saying been done to death is what he looks like. That is his appearance. Instead, I'm going to make fun of the fucking mayonnaise sandwich that must have been the sex life between him

and Mother back when they were young enough to feel obligated to do that, right? I'll give you a million dollars if the words and thrust two, three, four were never uttered in that bedroom. Look on the bright side. At least you never have to sleep in the wet spot if she makes you curl up on the foot

of the bed. About face and then a money shot. There's never a money shot. It's just a little dust. Like a hole in the sheet. The only money Mike Pence doesn't have. You know like when you exhale when it's really cold outside, it'll be

like that. You know the way Tom breathes after one of his roasts? Like that. Alright, so Eli, Amy would like you to roast her improv troop called side hustle. Hi, Amy. I'm sorry for the lateness of this roast.

I mean, after all, at this point, this roast is two years old and there's no way this team lasted two years. Honestly, Amy, I'm just impressed. It lasted till the end of your email because this picture has,

we're just in this till the sexual tension between the guy dressed as a cowboy and the guy with the mutton chops breaks written all over it. You're a Harold team? Really? A Harold team? You have an octogenarian on your team. You sure you don't mean you're a Harold and Maude team, Amy? You're more like a Harold and Maude team.

All right. And Tom, to close things out out we have a special podcaster request for you and Eli Peter would like to hear you roasting Eli and Eli roasting you alright getting to know Eli is amazing because he does this thing and I've watched it like 20 times

and it's fucking brilliant every time no matter what the situation Eli will stand there like a fucking lightning rod, just happily, joyfully absorbing blame and insult for slights both real and imagined, rushing to defer and apologize, peacekeeping like he's carrying around a secret white helmet in his back pocket. And it works. It works so well that even when you're mad at Eli, even when you feel personally aggrieved, you can't help but be won over by the way he disarms you. And as you stand there disarmed, you better be fucking sure you are 100% on his good side because he knows and you know that now your belly is fucking exposed.

Terrifying. All right. I thought he was going to be so much meaner to Eli I'm not going to actually be mean to Eli Alright well You know next time Peter to ask that Heath do it He'll be or Cece

Or me You don't have to actually Let's be getting secret requests Alright Tom Poisoned his wife This is the only safe place to tell you, Haley. He's been poisoning you this whole time. He told me about it. Don't eat the soup he brings you.

Nope. That's a felony accusation. Different things. Fine. Fine. Roast. Roast. Roast. Tom is like if we trapped the mind and heart of a poet inside a French bulldog. Those are little.

Tom should have been born 200 years ago or 500 years ago. He should have won the heart of a princess with a sonnet but instead he's stuck here and now where TikTok is the dominant art form and 40%

of the country won't take the vaccination and he has to spend one-fifth of his podcasting time with me. the dominant art form and 40% of the country won't take the vaccination and he has to spend one-fifth of his podcasting time with me. And honestly, what's a better roast for him than that? TikTok is not art. It's not art.

Alright, well guys, we're not at the end, but we can see the end from here, so be sure to stay tuned both here and over on Cognitive Dissonance, and remember, if you haven't heard your roast by now, it's way more likely you missed the episode where we did it than that we haven't done it yet just i'm just gonna toss that out there anyway tom cecil thanks as always guys thanks for having us absolutely thanks for having us before we retreat back behind the curtain tonight, I wanted to let you know that if you're a patron,

you'll want to free up some time on the evening of Saturday, August 7th. We're going to be live streaming our annual company-wide pajama party. Heath, Eli, Lucinda, Anna, Andrew, Morgan, Tim, myself, the whole team is going to be there in person. We're going to be playing games, answering questions, doing amazing physical stunts. Patrons for all the Puzzle North Understorm shows are going to be invited, so it's not too late to sign up. Oh, and if you can't

make it the night of, don't worry, it'll be available on video later. Anyway, that's all the Blast Maybe we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait, then be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even

newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't be heavy enough to stay on your phone if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being Enright as Rain. I want to thank Eli Bosnick for being here in the Bosnick of time. I want to thank Lucinda Lusions for being Lucinda House. I also want to thank Dominic and Benny Two Cups for this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, if you want to check out Dominic's podcast, you'll find the Burnt Church Atheist linked on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most mirthful earthlings. Lisa Bridget, Lady of the Farm, Jenny, CS, Sci-Fi, Sky Guy, Mads, Daniel, So Surly, Das Fergan, Dorsey, Rob, Robin, and Torian.

Lisa Bridget, Lady of the Farm, Jenny, and CS, who are so hot stoves warn their kids not to touch them. Sci-Fi, Sky Guy, Mads, Daniel, and So Surly, whose IQs are measured in astronomical units. And Das Fergan, Dorsey, Rob, Robin, and Torian, who are so bright I had to put on sunglasses to read their names. Together, these 14 fourth-rate fornicators four-win a forkful of their fortune this week to give us money. If you think you're up to the challenge of giving us money, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist,

whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but your money is deflating, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T Bond on Twitter. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson handles our social

media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or doubts, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAtheist.com. Hey, Morgan. Hey, Morgan, it's Cecil's birthday. Wish Cecil a happy birthday.

Wish him a happy birthday, Morgan. Happy, Morgan, it's Cecil's birthday. Wish Cecil a happy birthday. Wish him a happy birthday, Morgan. Happy birthday, Cecil. Wow, that's a spot on Morgan. I thought I nailed that. So mean, you guys. Jesus Christ. Don't worry. Morgan, cut that last bit out.

We don't want you to hear that. It's very insulting. It hurts you. It's super mean. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.