The Scathing Atheist - 443: Prayed Off Edition

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

In this week’s episode, Christians continue their war against free not dying juice, Jesus comes back to buy a motorcycle and then leaves again, and Don Ford will be here to ramp up the sexual tension once again. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Liberty Counsel official calls COVID vaccines a crime against humanity: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/liberty-counsel-official-calls-covid-19-vaccines-a-crime-against-humanity/ Christian MAGA cultists claim COVID vaccines violate the Nuremberg Code: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/08/04/christian-maga-cultists-claims-covid-vaccines-violate-the-nuremberg-code/ Christian prophet says "Jesus rode on my motorcycle and I have a painting of it": https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/08/04/christian-prophet-jesus-rode-on-my-motorcycle-and-i-have-a-painting-of-it/ Woman Sues McDonald’s for Being So Good, It Made Her Break Her Fast During Lent: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/08/08/woman-sues-mcdonalds-for-being-so-good-it-made-her-break-her-fast-during-lent/ Conversion therapy clinic owes $3.5 million for existing: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/08/10/conversion-therapy-group-owes-3-5-million-after-violating-order-to-shut-down/ Angry Christian Mom Boycotts “Muppet Babies” Because Gonzo Wore a Dress: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/08/07/angry-christian-mom-boycotts-muppet-babies-because-gonzo-wore-a-dress/ TBN Sells Holy Land Theme Park at a steep loss: https://religionnews.com/2021/08/05/orlandos-holy-land-theme-park-sold-by-tbn-to-healthcare-company/

Warning, we haven't gotten any less vulgar since last week. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by IP Vanish, and by the new pain reliever for Christians who try to argue with a well-informed atheist, Tylenol Mighty. Tylenol Mighty, putting the Jesus back in analgesics. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Toch! Shong och pongwitch e? Queersplaining rochmuch vichinmuch. And now, The Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday.

It's August 12th. And it's National Middle Child Day. And to celebrate, nobody cares about you. It hurts, but it's true. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Samuel Alito's New Jersey, Cincinnati Red State, and Redtown Blue State,

this is The Skating Atheist. This week's episode, Christians continue their war against free not dying juice. Jesus comes back to buy a motorcycle and then leaves again right away. And Don Ford will be here to ramp up the sexual tension once again. But first, the diatribe. Well, it was good while it lasted. I guess it's time for us to soak up those last few drops of atheism before it all comes crashing down. And I'd say that only counts if you're listening to this show before 2 p.m. on Thursday. But it kind of has to be. Because at 2 p.m. Eastern Time today, Christians across the globe are going to join together and pray us out of existence.

So, yeah, this may or may not be a thing it showed up as a facebook live alert like a week and a half ago and the website it points to is called atheism hoax and it has a hodgepodge of obviously satirical shit and non-satirical bad argumentation but it's all very much geared towards the fuck atheists crowd the satirical stuff is like atheists deny gravity after learning it was discovered by a christian and sneezing atheists sue his co-worker for assault after they say God bless you. And no, by the way, I did not pick his worst attempts at humor, those were just the first two that came up. Of course, the cynical conclusion here is that he's genuine in his fuck-atheist desires, but lazy enough to use satire to lubricate his bullshit. It's a defense tactic in case he ever needs to

back away from something he claimed without admitting that he was wrong. It was meant to satire as a bad idea panacea in these guys' minds, but regardless of its origin or its intent, it's actually attracted an awful lot of genuine Christians who genuinely want to invoke God's magic to genuinely wipe us the fuck out. Because there's virtually nothing so blatantly awful that you'd look at it and go, not Christians. Now, the first takeaway from this to consider is what it says about society's prejudice against atheists. Facebook is a platform that will literally delete your comment if you spell out the Farnsworth quote

because filthy monkey men could be a racial epithet, and yet their community standards have no issue at all with using their site to organize an attempted magical genocide if your target is atheists. I mean, I get they're doing this shit with bots, but I feel like a global prayer to end Judaism or a global prayer to end Hispanics would have gotten the boot. Of course, somebody did come up with a global prayer to end Hispanics would have gotten the boot. Of course, somebody

did come up with a global middle finger to end Christianity and counterposted this shit, and that hasn't been taken down, so maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm not. And if the blatant bigotry doesn't offend you, perhaps the redundancy will. But there's no fucking need to specifically pray atheists out of existence. Just pray for anything. If it works, you pretty much do away with atheism as a byproduct. Pray for an end to childhood cancer or a cure for blindness or a regrown limb on an amputee. If you can do that in a verifiable way, you'll get rid of almost all the atheists right away and you get to cure childhood cancer or whatever. But beyond the bigotry of the bad strategy, it also inadvertently

highlights just how wrong they are. Because if prayer worked, why wouldn't we have been prayed out of existence by now? Like, if you think about it, God not existing is the less embarrassing option for them at this point. The other possibility is that they're losing a fight to a significantly smaller group of people, even though their side has magic powers and our side doesn't. What kind of bumbling fucking idiot would their God have to be to fuck things up that bad? And don't get me wrong, the whole God is omnipotent, but he's a fucking nun's theory would explain a lot. We're talking about a guy who spent the first nine or ten books of his Bible trying to convince a small tribe of desert nomads that he existed and other gods didn't and, with a few notable and temporary exceptions, failed. Or maybe God is omnipotent and he's smart, but they're such a bunch of fuck-ups that they never quite get the spell right.

Christians do love to talk about what a bunch of worthless, undeserving pieces of shit they are, and it's one of the few places where i can find common ground with them to be honest with you but even though that would explain a lot too oh yeah well i'm inferior to you isn't much more of a burn than oh yeah well i'm deluded and demonstrably wrong so i don't think they're going to use that one either now in the interest of intellectual integrity i should caveat all of this by reminding everybody that i'm recording this the day before the prayer to end atheism. So on the record, if me and all the other atheists disappear, die or convert by 2.01 p.m. Or sorry, it's going to take a while to do the prayer. I'll give God a minute to warm up.

Let's say 2.30 p.m. So if by 2.30 p.m. all of the atheists stop existing, I disavow the preceding diatribe and every other defense of atheism i've ever put on the record but something tells me you're not going to find any christians willing to take the other side of that bet though they're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight are the lights and camera to my action heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are we ready to move to a visual medium or what? I'm dancing, I'm dancing now everybody doing a really cool dance

said like a man who got his teeth back no illusions some of us can't just put a little cream on something and then go back to our handsome selves and just so it's clear by the way that was a reference to the pajama party live stream that we did for our listeners we were almost able to keep a camera focused for most of a live stream.

I think we're ready to go. I think we're ready for it. Yeah, we're ready. And in our lead story tonight, religion ruins everything. Yes, it does. But you know what? Sometimes I worry we're being too hard on religion for the ruining of everything. Are we?

You know, most of the time it's minor stuff, like little things, ruining scientific progress, promoting bigotry, teaming up with the supply side economics people. Major stuff. It's only a small part of everything, if you think about it. But now they are ruining our perfectly good global pandemic. And the self-proclaimed lead counsel for American religion is apparently Matt Staver of Liberty Council.

Oh, fuck that guy. Yeah, fuck that guy indeed. And his latest attempt at ruining our pandemic involves a giant anti-vax campaign full of very obvious lying. Also, according to Staver, vaccines are just like the Holocaust. There it is. Our job over the last five years has basically just been lying under a giant piece of sky that has crushed us to death while people tell us that Chicken Little could have been way nicer about it.

So here's what we heard from Matt Staver most recently. And if you guys notice anything that's not just like the literal Holocaust, just go ahead and jump in. Maybe we can parse it out. All right, sure. I'll start with his recent blog post comparing vaccine requirements to the experiments of Dr. Mengele,

the angel of death. Oh. On prisoners at concentration camps. Okay. There were no blogs in the Holocaust. Am I good? Am I starting? Okay, yeah.

Jesus Christ. But they both have doctors, so it's pretty much the same thing. That's true. Yeah, so a few days after Blogacost. Sorry. I figured you might chat about Blogacost. Yep. Cool. So a few days after that post,

Staver joined David Brody, some fucking Christian asshole, on his very real television show on the Real America's Voice Network. So, you know, real right there in the title. Yeah, sounds real to me. And they talked about how vaccine regulations are a violation of federal law. Why? Great question.

According to Brody, quote, so why? Well, because it would violate a little thing called the Nuremberg Code. That's a little thing in his head. The code is mentioned on the FDA website, not pizzagate.com or conspiracy.net. The Nuremberg Code emphasizes that people cannot be forced to take experimental drugs without their full consent end quote i did think it was weird that i just woke up with that nurse practitioner plugging moderna into my arm so now that he mentions that leave it to matt fucking staver to have me mentally adding unfortunately to clauses from the fucking DuraVert code, right? DuraVert code, yeah. Insane.

So from there, Staver decided to bring up the VAERS log that's used by the CDC. That's the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System. And Staver claims the COVID vaccine is responsible for about half a million adverse reactions, including tens of thousands of people being hospitalized and about 12,000 fatalities. And I guess when you add all that up, it's about the amount of death from the Holocaust. Also, the VAERS log,

it's just people fucking naming stuff. It's not vetted. People get a vaccine, and then somewhere later, anywhere in the time dimension, they get sick and they go on the VAERS log and they're like, I had an adverse reaction to the vaccine. And that's if that's true. Right. The VAERS log is

famously overrun by trolls, spies, and liar like Matt Staver. It's like saying your source for election information is Facebook. You know what? Never mind. And it continues. Saver just recently put out a six part anti-vaxxer podcast series along with Dr. Asterisk Peter McCullough.

Asterisk technically a doctor, but highly discredited. And according to technically Dr. McCullough, the American vaccination program is, quote, propagandized bioterrorism by injection, which is kind for saying the name of their institution anywhere near his name or anywhere near his ideas. They have an official separation agreement with that guy that says he is not allowed to claim any affiliation with their real medicine thing. Right. Yeah, a few of my exes have done the same thing. I get it. Right. Boilerplate. real medicine thing right yeah a few of my exes have done the same thing i get it right boilerplate yeah so dr mccullough and like he is from pizzagate.com and conspiracy.net that's

the funny fucking thing he sure is okay all that is terrible but most importantly matt staver spells his name with one t so fuck you so I always assumed that this was like the Baylor thing like he's such a disgrace that one fourth of his first name sued to not be associated with him or something and next up in headlines we have some very exciting

news if you're one of those people who's getting a little impatient waiting for the second coming of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. And it comes from an attorney and board certified prophet. What? What board? Go fuck yourself. His name is Manuel Johnson of Mega Praise Ministries.

They're actually a pretty solid ministry. I mean, there are no giga praise ministries. Or does magnitude better than kilopres oh yeah absolutely well here's the big news jesus is back he's sharing a payment plan for a motorcycle with manual johnson and johnson has a painting to prove it what because? Because, you know, they say, paintings are, get the fuck out. He's proving it. Okay, circling back, I want to be super clear with everybody.

Hedda Praise Ministries is not part of the unit prefix thing. They're just child molesters, right? Yeah, that's an important note. And they prefer the Catholic Church. Yes, they have their own name, yeah. All right, so here's the story from Johnson. This happened to him last week. So kind of the opposite of prophecy. Really?

Think about it. At times tricky. I get it. According to Johnson, he was up on a mountain somewhere. And here's what happened. Quote, the voice comes. He says, my son, go get our bike. Go get our bike, not your bike bike so it wasn't just about me i just broke down just broke down right there at the foot of the mountain go get our bike go get

our bike yes and when the lord directed me to the bike there was a b a BMW. He was there for the whole process of purchasing it. And when he rode on that bike with me, oh my God, that was a greater opportunity than my visitations to heaven. End of quote. Jesus told me to buy this motorcycle. That is my favorite example of committing to the lie you told your spouse since the virgin birth. Okay. He says that God was there the whole time.

Do you think he like shopped? Like he's walking around. He's like a Yamaha. No, no. God wants a Harley. Oh, wow. Those prices are high. God will settle for a BMW.

No, God does not want the extended warranty. Don't pitch God on the extended warranty. Yeah. God's not a patriot. Doesn't buy American boo. So few important takeaways here besides the fact that God is not a patriot from America. First of all, Jesus can't just create a motorcycle. Right. No. He goes to the motorcycle store and haggles the price just like everyone else. Looks at his financing options. Checks his financing and he

kind of needs a buddy to go with him to the store for confidence. Clearly he needs a co-signer. Yeah. But if you think this is just a giant lie because Johnson has to tell a new story each time he goes on one of these stupid fucking shows, go fuck yourself. There's a painting.

Some random guy in Florida got in touch with Johnson and said, hey, just above nothing, I have a painting for you in case you have to prove a story about Jesus riding on the back of your sweet BMW motorcycle. I'd like to give you this painting.

And Johnson was like, wow, that's actually super convenient right now. I will use that for my dumb interview next week. Okay, podcast listener. Heath has included a picture of this. Let's go ahead and call it a painting in our notes. And if the artist of this painting wasn't going veer, veer

the entire time he painted it I will eat my own balls there's no way, if you ask the guy about it he wouldn't be able to, no chance he wouldn't be like, sorry I have to do the sound effects and in

do you believe in magic news there are few things better than life's simple pleasures. A brisk walk on a spring day, a hot cup of coffee, and in our case here at The Scathing Atheist, a frivolous Christian lawsuit. Well, get cozy, you lucky ducks, because this week an Orthodox Christian woman in Russia is suing McDonald's for being so tempting and delicious that she broke her fast for Lent. Oh, Jesus. And now she's going to burn in hell forever. No. Okay, just get fries

and a chocolate shake. You're good. That's basic strategy. You don't have to get meat there. Right, because after a McDonald's milkshake, you're going to be shitting until Lent ends and you can't break your fast for Lent in a McDonald's bathroom. I love McDonald's shakes. So, according to the lawsuit,

plaintiff Kaseva whose name I'm allowed to mispronounce and make fun of because she's white and Russian Russia's still fair game had managed to abstain from meat for almost the traditional six weeks of Lent leading up toter but then she saw an ad for mcdonald's burgers and fries and quote when i saw an advertising banner i could not help myself

i visited mcdonald's and bought a cheeseburger end quote okay i just feel like saint peter's can be even judgier if she gets the filet of fish. Yeah. Get around. That's fucking gross. Can you imagine if they lost this lawsuit and they had to make a McDonald's cheeseburger like less appetizing? That's a lab accident away from a supervillain origin story right there. They thought to make a burger uglier than I. So according to Fox News,

she has sued the restaurant for breaking consumer protection laws and insulting her religious feelings. And she has sued them for 1,000 rubles, which is about $14. So I guess she doesn't have super strong religious feelings. It's unclear what she's putting a low value on here. Her immortal soul. I think, yeah.

$14. So, okay. McDonald's needs to start giving out one free indulgence for every $14. There you go. Yes. Good marketing campaign. Happy meal. New toy.

One last thing about this story. In the name of good skepticismicism i should point out that this story was first reported by russian state media which is not known for being incredibly reliable especially when those stories make their way to the mainstream media via fox news so yeah as much fun as it is to laugh at this lady if next week we find out that like you know the ukraine is being annexed on behalf of mcdonald's because of this just don't don't say i didn't warn you all right and speaking of russia and the internet it's time for a word from this week's sponsor ip vanish and so i said i'm

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Like, they even read your emails. They read my emails? They apply machine learning to your emails in bulk so that they can sell you ads for things that you mention in your emails. Okay, is there a way to turn that just off? Yeah, yeah. You can go through a series of more and more gray boxed options to turn that stuff off, at least partially.

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No, I actually don't mind big tech knowing what I want every second of the day. I mean, look at this ad I just got. Yikes. Okay. Wow. Can you even sell that online? online yeah with carefully worded language in your ad yeah you can you can i'm just gonna go wash my eyes out you just get an ad for an eyewash station yep yep just got it yep and we're back next up in headlines in conversion 2.0 news tonight. New Jersey has given me the hard sell, and it has been for a while now. First, they became the home of Eli's baby

and his magnificently hemispherical cheeks. Then, in February, they legalized weed. And after just having me for a lovely week of gorgeous weather and delightful company, they followed up this week by finding a conversion therapy program, $3.5 million for existing in their state. Oh, sorry. Actually,

they were fined $400,000 back in 2015 for existing. The other $3.1 million is for still existing. Great job, Jersey. Come on, people. We have our own accent, which is just as dumb as the Southern one, but still okay to make fun of. What's not

to love? That's a pretty good sell. I think the Southern accent's still okay to make fun of. What's not to love? That's a pretty good sell. I think the Southern accent's still okay to make fun of. So, yeah, this story starts with a conversion therapy group called Jews Offering New Alternatives for Healing, or Jonah. I feel like you avoid swallowing related acronyms. You would think, but no. So, Jonah was found guilty of consumer fraud back in 2015 because they were selling conversion therapy, and that's not a thing. They told potential clients that gayness was a mental disorder, not true, and that it could be cured,

not true. And then they charged them upwards of $10,000 each to do so. And it turns out that, and I swear this is really part of their therapy stripping groups of men naked and telling them to beat up effigies of their mother does not make gay people straight what seriously they did that yeah and lying to people about what you're selling them is at least selectively illegal so they were found guilty of fraud okay what the fuck was the process to get there to the right question all right this effigy pinata is not working so naked same thing naked ah guys i hate to contradict you on air but i actually know a lot of gay guys who would love to get naked and beat up their moms i mean i'm not saying it would cure

them but i am saying we would sell out at least one session just for Uncle Mark over on the How to Heretic. I'm not saying they wouldn't enjoy it. Right. Yeah. Now, at the time, the judge awarded the plaintiffs $3.5 million in legal fees, but the plaintiffs agreed to accept $400,000 and call it even, provided the defendants agreed never to promote conversion therapy again. So fast forward to 2021. Jonah has been redubbed with the phenomenally vague moniker, the Jewish Institute for Global Awareness. And if you're thinking awareness of what the globe, the answer appears to be conversion fucking therapy the court's uncovered numerous emails after the agreement was signed where the guilty parties continued for years to recommend conversion therapy and follow up with the therapist to make sure they receive their referral fees so now according to that agreement they have to pay the additional 3.1 million dollars and also still stop fucking doing that good and in my head the prosecution is joe pesci the whole

all the prosecutors in new jersey yep yeah and what i'm hearing is that we need a sexually flexible person who passes for jewish as part of a multi-million dollar thing and i am in eli's been waiting a long time for this job to require him to strip naked and beat up an effigy of his mom, y'all. He's been looking forward to this one. He didn't even consider it as a Patreon goal this year, everybody. He didn't even consider it. Eli's mom's

delightful. My mom is delightful. And in a whole new kind of fisting news. You know, there are many facets to our job of fighting theocracy. You gotta keep folks informed about the creeping progress of theocratic legal movements like Project Blitz. We've gotta highlight the worst parts of holy books nobody bothers to read.

And this week, it's accurately describing the plot of a Muppet Babies episode because Christians think it's trans propaganda. And you know what that means, Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian Freakout. That's right. This week's Christian Freakout is about the Muppet Babies.

Specifically, an episode where Gonzo dresses up like a princess. Even though the other Muppet Babies tell him he has to dress up as a knight because he's a boy. And if you're a Christian and a fucking crazy person that's pushing the trans agenda.

So just to be clear, some ridiculous Christian bigots had a meeting that started with okay, so Gonzo was obviously born with a baby Muppet penis. And I think we might have a problem. Okay, so before we get to the nutbags and the fun,

I just want to take a second to clarify that Gonzo is not actually non-binary or trans now or in the episode. And look, I'm not just saying that because it would conflict with the Muppet Babies fan fiction that I've already written. Like a lot. Yeah, exactly. But it's not because of that that is besides the point no i'm pointing that out because when we apply these labels to characters when that's not what creators intend it lets those creators off the hook for not including those things in their shows right kids television should include trans and non-binary folk and we shouldn't have to finagle a script in our heads to make that happen. Yeah, well, and for the record,

the Christians are going to freak the fuck out regardless, so this is a damned if you don't, damned if you don't situation. Makes it kind of obvious which way to go. Exactly. So let's get to the fun stuff, starting with the one, the only, Monica Cole. Ooh. Head of the fractionally named One Million Moms,

whose current Twitter following is 4,144. Here's what everyone's favorite sugar influencer had to say about the episode. Quote, sugar influencer. That's good shit. This is outrageous that Disney Junior is normalizing gender dysphoria to young children with such a liberal push in children's entertainment it's obvious where disney jr stands parents who are not already

aware of the network's agenda please be forewarned now end quote okay their focus is insane if you want to complain about gonzo being inappropriate for kids, maybe mention that his face is literally made of a cock and balls and that's it. There you go. I mean, that's also dumb, but way less dumb. Like, if Joe Camel is part of a Happy Meal, it's the giant penis face and the cigarettes

for kids that's the problem. And they're just like, he's got a pink strap on his shirt. What the fuck? Yeah. Love a good Christian freak his shirt. What the fuck? Yeah. Love a good Christian freakout, even when the inclusivity they're freaking out about is in their heads. That said, if someone could let it slip to Monica Cole

and the folks at OAN that Steven Universe exists, we would really appreciate it for the job security, everybody. Just, you know, slide that under the door. And finally tonight, in holy own subsidiary news only thing more fun than watching an overtly religious theme park benefiting from blatantly prejudicial tax credits of dubious legality die is watching it die slowly and that's why i'm thrilled to add yet another chapter to the slow and painful demise of the Holy Land Experience theme park in Orlando. This is the best. Yeah. So good. So while you reorient yourself from

thinking this story was going to be about Ken Ham's Ark Encounter theme park. I did think that and I was so mad. Right. And while you recover from the sudden knowledge that you're aware of multiple overtly religious theme parks benefiting from blatantly prejudicial tax credits of dubious legality i'll let you know that the holy land experience has a new owner after trinity broadcasting sold it for five million dollars less than they paid for it in 2007 that's amazing so they literally paid someone more than five million dollars to throw out their stupid fucking bible garbage yep Yep. That's what happened. That's just math. That's literally what happened.

It's closer to six and a half when you account for inflation. Yeah. Yeah. And got them one day closer to the day the price goes low enough that they sell it to us for our anti-biblical theme park. I think we're going to do pretty well. I think it's going to be pretty awesome. Pin the cross on the Jesus.

I don't want to spoil it. I don't want to spoil it i don't want to spoil the cool stuff so the park which desperately wants for attention within the shadow of disney world was originally opened in 2001 and started losing money right away its main attractions were bible themed museums and live reenactments of let's face it the least interesting bible stories to reenact over the next six years the park amassed debts to the range of eight million dollars despite a law signed by then governor jeb bush that exempted all non-profit organizations from property taxes if they displayed information about the bible what yeah so in 2007 that's still a law by the way in florida so in 2007 trinity broadcasting bought the park for 37 million dollars and despite opening a

few new attractions including a i shit you not jesus themed mini golf course called trinity that's so awful mini golf doesn't have t right exactly it makes no fucking sense so but tv and continued racking up debts with it because even even if Disney World wasn't right fucking there, that would still be a boring, stupid place that nobody would want to go to. Okay. I think I'd honestly rather visit the Holy Land theme park than Disney World. No. You're wrong. You're wrong.

Everyone loves Disney. All humans love Disney. Disney is a fucking nightmare. You're wrong. I'll take you there with my wife. I like some of their products, but Disney World, God. You're going to love it. I'm going to take you there against your will.

Absolutely not going. Also, if those Jesus-themed mini-golf figures are for sale, I have other uses for them. Anyway, we were delighted to report... I'm going to fuck them. We knew what you were going to do with them. We were delighted to report back on episode 367 that the Holy Land Experience was laying off the bulk of their workforce,

shutting down their library enactments, and only keeping their museums open long enough to benefit from that property tax exemption. And this week, it looks like the final nail has finally found its way into the park's coffin as TBN just offloaded the park to a Seventh-day Adventist healthcare company called Advent Health, which apparently intends to turn that land into a new healthcare center, which

and how terrifying is this, will probably have to pay more in property taxes than the useless fucking park did. No word on whether the health center is going to bring back the live reenactments of the crucifixion, but it's Seventh-day Adventist, so I'm not going to rule it out.

Yeah, and now that it's owned by Advent Health, they're going to include a station of the cross where someone explains to Jesus that none of this is covered. It's the most tragic one. Alright, so while we find a violin small enough to play for the Holy Land experience, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Holy in one. There you go. That's pretty fucking good. And when we come back, we'll don some Ford. Hey, podcast listener. Do you go. That's pretty fucking good. And when he's written a book all about what it's like to be a magician. And I helped. By which I mean I, Eli, helped. Also, I mentioned in the book, which is very nice of him to do that. Anyways, if you want an incredible peek into the world of magicians,

you can follow the link in the show notes or just Google how magicians think. But act fast. They're only printing a limited run of copies. So yours before they disappear because it's magic okay back to the podcast so you guys wanted to see me yeah don thanks for coming in early um so you know we're recording this bible piece theater as a get ahead right oh yeah you guys are doing like a break vacation thing right yeah so he has a little bit of a a problem when it comes to get aheads if you don't mention it he's fine but if he's thinking about the fact that it's a get ahead he gets a little into his own skull and he gets super topical in his humor oh come on eli i'm sure he'll be fine hey guys what's up who's gonna be fine what are you talking about nobody will be uh kang the conqueror don is worried he won't be a good villain because he's up? Who's going to be fine? What are you talking about? Nobody will be fine. Kang the Conqueror. Don is worried

he won't be a good villain because he's so integral to a bunch of early comics that don't really apply to a post-endgame Marvel Cinematic Universe. No, no. These guys are worried that if you know that this record is a get-ahead, you're going to get...

This is a fucking get-ahead? Yeah. Yeah, it's a get-ahead? Yeah. Kang the... Yep. Yeah, it's a get-ahead. See? He's fine. Now, why don't you guys do a little banter before Noah comes in and it starts the segment?

Okay. Sure. So, Keith, I was... July 21st is... Today is July 21st. God damn it, Don. Don. Okay.

Okay, that one's my bad. So where were we? July 21st, Cincinnati, Ohio's setting of me. In the Bible. Where were we in the Bible? Yeah, we were still in 2 Samuel. Absalom had murdered his brother for raping his sister. Yeah, we learned that a lot of our listeners like Supernatural.

So many. Oh, I even got a death threat. So, yeah, so Absalom is still mad that his dad was mad at him and plots to turn the people of Jerusalem against his father. Hi, welcome to Jerusalem. I'm the king's son, Absalom. Oh, hello. So what brings you to town?

Yeah, so I'm here to see the king about a land dispute, and I'm hoping that maybe... Oh, the king, yes, such a jerk. Such a jerk. Let me tell you, if I were the king, I would totally be on your side. But just so you know, he's probably not going to be on your side. Right, but you haven't even heard my dispute yet, so... Right. But you have a great face.

You know, I just just i trust your face huh if i were king you would get whatever you wanted based just on your face just on my face i mean i do have a great face so see that tracks i guess weird so so absalom does this for 40 years and after 40 years i'm sorry wait he does this for 40 years yeah man i 40 years... I'm sorry, wait. He does this for 40 years? Yeah, man. I guess he just goes around... 40 years from today is July 21st, 2061. Seriously? That would be the date. Sorry, sorry. I remembered

in my head. Yep, right. So 40 years later, he finally tries to take over. King David, Absalom is coming to take the city. And he is... King David, Absalom is coming to take the city. Hmm. And he is?

Uh, your son, man. Come on. Right. Yes, that is bad. Anyway, uh, let's gather up all the men and get out of here. Uh, what about your concubines? Eh, we can leave them in the house, right? What's the worst that could happen?

I mean, it's the Bible, and one concubine has already been cut into pieces already. David! Hushai! What up? Feel like we should talk about the concubines, but no, no, no, it's fine. Hushai! Hushai?

This is Joab. Joab, this is Hushai. He's my most loyal servant. I'm standing right here. Look, look, Hushai, I know what you're here to say, but you can't come with me. You'd a huge burden and everyone hates you oh cool well yeah great intro thanks for that uh no i was actually gonna offer to stay here and spy for you oh you were yeah yeah i was uh but then you insulted me and called me a huge burden as my introduction i did

yeah no but that's a great idea. You be a spy for me, and let me know everything that's going on with Shamalam. Absalom. Exactly, him, my son. Okay. So David runs off into the hills where he's brought supplies by none other than Ziba,

the son of Mishbosheth. King David, I have brought you supplies. Fantastic! Thank you! Raisins! Awesome! Who? Who are you? I am Ziba, the son of Mishposheth.

Mmm... The other son of Saul. Oh, Saul I remember, because I fucked him. Uh, I do not know a miso breath, though. So... Mishpasheth. He ate at your table. A lot of people ate at the old table.

He's lame in both legs. Yes! Lame not lame guy. Right. That's my father. Did he tell you that I gave him that nickname at dinner? Because he's lame, but he's not lame. Yes he tell you that I gave him that nickname at dinner? Because he's lame. But he's not lame.

Yes, yes, he told me. Hey, hey, hey, Zebra. Zebra? It's Zeba. Right, right. Hey, so thank you for all you've done for me. I'm going to give you all the land of Saul's sons. That's for you now.

Uh, okay. I think I already have that because you already gave it to my dad mishpasheth who i should point out is still alive so so you're welcome right you got more land now okay and then i was thinking maybe we get some of, like, catapult things. You know, do they sell those? I mean, we can build one. They don't sell them. King David. Oh, hey, Shimei. That's Shimei.

He came with me out here into the desert, Joab. Fuck you, you fucking fuck. Hey, that's not nice. Don't say that to King David. No, no, it's okay, Joab. God curses me, so he probably should too. You fucking suck. Dragging me out of here in the middle of this dry-ass fucking desert for no reason. I can't get a drink of water or wash my fucking ass at all.

Okay, wow. Really? Yeah. I guess I just hope that God looks down on my misfortune, sort of sees my true repentance, and takes mercy on me. Does God do that sort of thing? I mean, historically, in the book, he doesn't, but I figure it's worth a shot, right? Yeah, I mean, it can't hurt.

Right, that, and I'll, like, tear my garments and make some sacrifices or something. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Hey, uh, Joab? How long has he been talking about me? Oh, like, for a while. So fucking long.

Fuck you. Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem, Absalom is getting some advice from his right-hand man, Ahithophel, and Hushai the spy. Alright, so I've had sex with all my dad's concubines in front of the whole city. That was great advice, Ahithophel. Great advice.

Thank you. But I still have to kill my dad. So what do you guys think? Give me 12 strong men. Tonight, when David is weak and weary, I shall sneak upon him and kill him. Ooh, love that. Who is I? What do you think?

Eh, I mean, David's pretty tough. I think you should bring the whole army to kill him, you know, just in case. He's very tough. Or 12 guys or a whole army. I feel like I got to go with the whole army, you know, just to be safe. Yeah, right. Absalom, quick thing. If you don't take my advice, I'm going to go hang myself.

Wow. Yikes. Seems like a very severe overreaction to what just happened. Well, I will. You going to do my plan? Uh, no. Well, fine. I'm hanging myself.

Wait, wait, wait. Ahithophel. Yeah? You're a weird guy and your name is hard to pronounce. Ooh, harsh. Well, what's he going to do? He's going to hang himself twice? And so there's a big fight.

Lots of people die, and Absalom gets his head stuck in a tree. Absalom! Hey, Joe, a little help here? What happened to you? Well, I was riding a mule, and my head just got caught. That seems really super unlikely. But you know what? Here I am, though. Okay, okay. All right, men. Finish him off.

I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Well, here's the thing. David said if we found him, don't kill him. Take time, guys. Just hanging by my head from a tree here. Just, you know. Fine, fine. I'll do it myself.

Give me those darts. Ow! Are you dead? No, I'm still very much alive, but also now have darts in me, so thanks for that. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Guys, can you finish him off? Like, just beat him to death or something?

Fine, yes. Ow! Ow! What am I, a fucking piñata? Don't any of you have a fucking sword? Uh, no. I left mine at the camp. Just, okay, but just make it snappy, damn it. You make it snappy.

Doing our best. Ow, ow, ow. Joab, finally. How did the battle go? Good, we won. Awesome. And how's, uh, how's my son who, uh, you know, started it? Uh, yeah, the son that was trying to kill you? Yeah. He's dead. What? No! Oh, that was my son! Oh, why couldn't it have been me?

I mean, it could have. Huh? I mean, this whole thing was because you ran away when your son tried to kill you. You could have just not run away, or, hell, you could have just not been mad about him killing your other son, literally anything but what you did would have resulted in him still being alive, and now we've got to go back to Jerusalem and make you king again, even though you ran away like a coward when your son tried to kill you. Oh, We do?

Yeah, and I'm super duper gonna need you to focus up when we get there and act like a king, okay? Okay, okay. It's just, you know, loved him so much. He was my son. Uh-huh. What was his name again?

It was... Ab... Abba. Ab... Abba. Ab... Abba? Yeah, let's go back to Jerusalem. That's what I thought. People of Jerusalem, it is I, King David, and

I have returned. King David, forgive me for telling you to go fuck yourself. Of course, Shemay. You are forgiven. We all agree that that bit last month about the Great British Bake Off was very, very funny and worth it. I didn't say that.

And you forgive me for remaining in the city, right? Totally. I understand why you had to do what you had to do, Fishbroth Feth. It's Mishpasheth. I forgive you for not joining me. It was probably because you're lame in both legs. Both of them.

No, actually. Remember, I sent my son with a bunch of supplies for you. Because you could not come yourself on your legs, which are lame. Both of them. Both at the same time. I totally understand. But, just a heads up, I did promise your land to your son, so you guys can work

that out, right? I mean, he's my son, so it really kind of seems like you did absolutely nothing. Yeah, you're welcome. But you, concubines! Ah, yes, King David? You guys got raped by my son, and

that I do not forgive. So as punishment, I will never, ever fuck you guys again. You still get to live in the palace and have nice things, but no more King David dick for you guys. What a terrible punishment. Please don't not let us have sex with you, King David. Well, you should have thought of that before my son raped you. I'm King David.

So with this house all sorted out, David just needs to fight off all the people who are still mad because he ran away from the city. Chief among them is Sheba, who says David sucks a dick, blows a trumpet, and then runs away. Okay, men of Israel, you heard Noah's intro. Sheba has been talking a ton of shit, so we got to go kill him. Amasa, did you gather all the men that I asked you to three days ago? Ooh, yeah, Joab, about that. I feel like that's not really in my purview. You know what I'm saying?

It's not in your purview? No, it's not in my purview. Okay, why didn't you say something when I asked you? Well, we never confirmed by email, so. Right, but we not in my purview. Okay, why didn't you say something when I asked you? Well, we never confirmed by email, so. Right, but we talked in person. I'm thinking maybe I could delegate this in a managerial capacity to Abishai. Have you read Who Moved My Cheese by any chance? In a managerial capacity?

Yep, managerial. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Amasa, can I speak to you over here real quick? Over here? Yeah. What's up? I like your beard.

Nice. Do you put oil in this? No, no, just shampoo and conditioner, actually. Oh, cool, cool. Stab you! Oh! Ugh. I have feedback on the company culture. Douchebag.

Write an email. People of the city of Ebo, prepare to be sieged. Wait, wait, don't siege us. What do you want? The traitor Sheba dwells within your walls. We shall fight to the last man to bring him to justice. You don't have to do all that. Look here.

There, see? Sheba's dead. All good. No need to invade. Wow, that was easy. Yep. All you had to do was ask. Had to do was ask. Had to do was ask.

All right. Lesson learned. But just as soon as the last of David's enemies is dead, God creates a famine over the land, so he goes to talk to God about it. Hi. Uh, God? Yes, David.

I can't help but notice there's a bit of famine on the land. What's up with that? Yes, I am mad at Saul for killing the Gibeonites. Oh, wow. That was like a while ago. Like, that was the last book of the Bible. Still, you know, it's been, like, really bothering me, and I just needed to get it out there. Okay.

I could go talk to the Gibbians and see what I can do to make amends. Would that make you happy? Maybe. Maybe? I don't know if it'll make me happy. You know, I hate to say this. You were more likable when we were doing your voice as Donald Trump. Right?

Gibbons, thank you for coming. So I'm King David. God is mad that Saul killed you guys like 80 years ago. So how can I make it better? Well, there it depends. Are you a good person? I mean, no. Probably not. Like, the last book,

I was, like, totally okay with my concubines getting raped, so... Ah, we are! Then we want to hang Saul. I would be okay with that, but he is dead. Ah. What about his sons? Can we hang his sons? Also all dead. I can give you two son-in-laws and three

grandsons. Do you want to hang them? Yeah, yeah, we'll hang them. Yeah, deal, deal, deal. And you can fuck Don Ford, Voices of Fantasy and Adventure, if you want to. Hey! Eh, we're good. Oh, oh, you too, Gibbons?

I would totally fuck you, Don. Thank you. July 21st. Okay. So David returns to God to see if he's all good, but God has even more demands. Okay. God, are you there? Hey, guy.

Yes. So I let the Gibeons hang Saul's sons-ish. Are we good now? No. I want you to do a census. Sorry, you want you to do a census. Sorry, you want me to do a census? Like where I count everyone? Yes.

Okay. Done. A census? I don't know what to tell you, Joab. That's just what God wants. He wants a... Oh, that's gonna take so long, though. I know. I know. It's a very weird request. Hi, King David.

Yeah, that is me. First of all, are you one of my sons? No, no. I'm the prophet Gab. God wants you to know he's still mad. What? Why? Because of the census.

How could he be mad because of the census? I'm doing it. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. God wants you to choose between three punishments. What? Either seven years of famine, or you'll be chased by your enemies for three months, or three days of plague. Your choice.

Oh, well, that's pretty easy, right, King David? Oh, that's a tough one. Seriously? Your enemies won't even kill you. They're just going to chase you. Right, but they're running, though, for three months. Okay, so the famine, then? No, no, I don't want there to be a famine.

Okay, so the plague. Got it. Putting you down for plague. Great. Seriously? Hey, I didn't say anything, Joab. That was down for plague. Great. Seriously? Hey, I didn't say anything, Joab. That was God. God decided that. God did. Okay, sir, it's been three days and 70,000 people are dead. Yeah. Bad news about that.

You have bad news about that? Yeah. So, you know how I can see angels because I'm the king? The angel of death is here, and she actually wants to destroy the whole city. Sup? Gonna put it down on this place. Put it down. Is it weird that the angel of death is still Sarah Huckabee Sanders, even though we got rid of Trump? You know, I kind of like it, actually.

Sort of is its own. Anyway, here we go. One, two, and... Wait, uh, Gad? Gad, any help from you, buddy? Um, build him an altar, maybe? I'll build you an altar, God. Bingo.

You got it. Live to die another day, am I right? That one's for you to remember me by. Lovely, Thank you. Hey, I ever tell you guys about the time that my brother set a dog on fire? Yeah. He did. Because he did.

And that's second Samuel. Wow. That was a lot. Yeah, there was raping and murder. Oh, God. So much murder. Yeah. it all kind of feels like a blur at the end of if only there were a catchy tune that really put it into perspective for us oh didn't anna write a song for the get-ahead she said she was gonna write a song for yeah

right yeah he that's what i was setting up it's july 21st yeah just hit it, Anna. Sorry, Anna. Go ahead. To Samuel, damn you'll forgive me for saying I've started to like all the raping and slaying It's not that the Bible has sapped all my ethics Or that I'm a fan of historical epics It's just better than all the begats and the praying Don't get me wrong, it's too long Epic's just better than all the big cats and the praying. Don't get me wrong, it's too long and the story's a mess.

There's a huge literary mistake to address. A new character appears every sentence or two, which makes keeping track of them tricky to do. But I suppose that I can try nonetheless. It's too long, so I'll try to speed through it. But in case you get bored while I do it. It's Samuel to Electric Boogaloo. Let's draw you a quick diagram like a biblical where's Waldo, try to spot Sam To start it all, there was Saul, who was king but got killed

And David, who's promised a godless fulfilled And O.M. and Abby, David's first wives His fountain of Saul, whose reign he revives Without her a warrior respected and skilled Joab's the commander of David's armed forces His brother Oshel runs as fast as the horse His sadness spears him in the gut Joab's does a lot like a cigarette

But against David's orders according to dubious sources But on Rehoboam he spells commanders They kill their own king, go to David to fend her Saul is destroyed, he goes after the chicks A mere collie we purchased with Philistine's ex Once back, though it's clear that he can't stand her. It's Samuel II, secret of the ewes, names

packed in like biblical spam. We're halfway through the song, now where the fuck is Sam? King David was fertile, the dick never limped, more characters to fuck than a Manhattan pimp Had lots of children, and then Haleah But Saul, Abedonia, Shephatiah, Thraim And took care of the whole bush out of the gimp

Tamar was so hot, and then wanted to fist her He told Jannadab that he couldn't resist her And none decides to act like he's sick She bends over to help, and he whips out his dick He fucks her and boots her because she's a sister God, these fucking Bible stories Tamar was so hot, but Bathsheba was hotter, and David first spots her bathing in the water.

He disregards that she's menstruating, and married Salami so hard that it had to be buried. Good thing he got and had her husband slaughtered. It's Samuel Toulib, Freedai Sam, there will be a quiz, so cram. It's kind of weird that he's not here yet. Where the fuck is Sam? King Aaron builds David's state, he abodes. Nathan the seer foretells and forebodes.

Ham and the Ammonite, mysteries as men. Shammai tells us rocks of the king now and then. Who's up with his hand at the ark and explodes? Nope, not in that verse. Sheba's newtness, a thoughtful and wise. Amasa brings about Sheba's demise. A Libra Shaman, Jehoshabba Shabbat. Ferocious, impetuous merchants of death. Nope, not in that verse. Nope, not that one either. I can't recall. There's a shortage of unpronounceable names,

so when you think about it, it's really a shame. The easiest one isn't in it at all It's Samuel 2, 2 Sam, 2, uh, Ewell And this is the final exam If he isn't in it and he didn't write it, then why the fuck should it be called Sam? party live stream and a quick reminder that if you missed it you can still watch it it just won't be live check the patreon feed for a link anyway that's all the blast maybe we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for brand new episode of our sister show the skeptocrat debuting at 7 a.m eastern on monday an even newer episode of our sister show's hot frank god awful movies debuting at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday and

an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously this episode wouldn't earn a name if i neglected to thank heath enright for having the brains eli bosnick for having the heart, and Lucinda Lusions for having the nerve. I also need to thank Anna Bosnick because, because, because, because, because, because of the wonderful things she does. I also want to thank Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, for helping out both with this episode and with the live stream chat. I also want to thank Callie Wright from the Queersplaining Podcast for providing this week's Klingon Farnsworth quote, and also for all their help with the live stream on Saturday as well. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people and last week's best people. It's a long list. Let me take a breath here.

Marco, London, Dion, Penelope, Sondra, Atheist, Taco, Alex, Dizzy, and Jeff. Another Tom, Padua, Canada, Kate, Virgin, David, Anna, Timothy, Karen, Catherine, Shane, Dee, Don, Kaziari, Regular Dissonance, Max, Scott, Sarah, Imaginary, Lloyd, Hugh, Christopher, Tyne, Andrew, No, and 42. Lloyd, Hugh, Christopher, Tyne, Andrew, Noe, and 42, Michael, Word of the Broad, Mark, Brian, Megan, Boots and Cats and Boots and Cats in full name, Eric, Scott, Cor, Kyle, Heather, Wendy, Angie, Nathan, and Support Bikeable Cities to Save America from the Scourge of Eli Bostic in a Car. Whose IQs are higher than I was during the livestream?

Together, these 56 nifty pics... Sorry, most of the shit that rhymes with six is even less complimentary than that. For helping keep this show alive by helping keep us alive, if you want to join their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com. whereby you'll earn early access to an extended every version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but money's too expensive for that,

you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-P-O-D on Twitter. And seriously, if you haven't reviewed the show, please help counteract the dingleberry who gave us a one-star review for hating vegans legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of p andrew torres tim robertson handles our social media our audio engineer is morgan clark will sort out all the music that was used in this episode which was used in the version if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadeus.com holy rollers there's so many ways to go i thought about that when i saw the story i was like yeah

if we were still doing 30 seconds this would be a no-brainer. It's a bad lie. There you go. Well done. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.