The Scathing Atheist - 447: Little Praisers Edition

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

In this week’s episode, the headlines will make you wonder if you’re listening to the archives, the news out of Texas will make you wonder whether you’re listening to old timey radio, and Christian children’s entertainment will give us something that’s salty and hard to swallow. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Learn more about the Cinderella Podcast here: https://www.facebook.com/CinderPod/

Warning, the language in this podcast is some fucked up shit. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by IP Vanish and by Delusions Haberdashery. Because of our country's reverting to the 1800s, our business model has to follow suit eventually. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Liv. While stuck in quarantine this year, my best friend Talyn and I decided to start a podcast

where we do nothing but watch and review Cinderella movies. And in doing so, we have somehow also confirmed that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey proto-hominids. It's Thursday. It's September 9th, and don't worry, I'm not going to do the whole show solo. I'm Noah Lugens, and from somewhere in Spain, wherever Eli is at the moment, at Red Town Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, you'll keep wondering whether you're listening to the archives or not, the news out of Texas will make you wonder whether you're listening to old-timey radio or not, and Christian children's entertainment will give us something that's salty and hard to swallow. But first, the diatribe.

There's this weird thing in the Old Testament where every nine chapters or so, the Israelites will stray from the right path, start worshiping other gods, making high places, and just generally incurring God's wrath. And of course, this happens because when you've got an omnipotent character in your book, you have to constantly sideline him. In the actual history that they're often loosely documenting, it's super-duper obvious that the Jews didn't have the

omnipotent creator of the universe on their side, so much in the same way that Professor X always manages to get himself kidnapped or imprisoned or something before the climax of the story, the Bible's authors always had to write God out by making them all like harumphy about the high places and shit. But the end result is that you've got these crazy forgetful worshipers constantly getting like six years from the last broadly witnessed miracle and going, I bet this golden calf God could kick Jehovah's ass. And I remember reading that and thinking it seemed like a really unrealistic way

for a group of people to act. But I read that book way back in 2013. And back then, I had nowhere near as much experience trying to convince Democrats to fucking vote. Basically, the whole time we've been doing this show, the shit that just happened in Texas was kind of our worst case scenario. People wrote to us even before Lucinda started doing This Week in Misogyny

asking why we talked so much about abortion on an atheism show. And our response was always the same. That's the gate that they're marching on. And when the fucking bad guys are at the east gate we're going to be inordinately concerned with the eastern side of the city but a lot of people had grown complacent they saw roe v wade

they saw all the slings and arrows that it withstood over the last 48 years and they thought it was impregnable and then last week it came crumbling down and everybody who's watched them fire one missile after another at it for nearly five decades. Just look at this big-ass breach in the wall and going, well, how the fuck did that happen? And I get it. 1973 is a long time ago. Barely 20% of Americans are old enough to even remember a pre-Roe world, and far fewer are old enough to have been affected by it.

Sure, the efforts to overturn it started three minutes after the decision was announced, and sure, they've been ongoing ever since, and sure, they're so well-funded that they have their own movies and TV shows and shit, but their failure was so consistent that it seemed inevitable. Our archives can amply demonstrate that their efforts were literally laughable much of the time, but now here we are, wondering how that shit was ever funny. And look, as bad as it is, Texas is just the tip of the iceberg. What Texas proves is that we have a Supreme Court that's willing to choose

Jesus over precedent and the Bible over the Constitution. I mean, don't get me wrong. If the only thing they ever did was effectively overturn Roe, it would be plenty bad enough, but that was never the end goal. You know, now that they've managed to shove their wedge issue into the gate, the real goal

is going to come pouring through. And that goal is nothing short of theocracy. And it's not like I have to retreat to some conspiracy theory to defend that claim, right? It sounds hyperbolic, but they say it out loud to anybody who cares to fucking listen. They want their religious beliefs to take precedent over the will of the majority. In fact, at the extremes, they'll tell you it's the nation's only chance at fucking survival. And as insane as it is to try to govern towards the favor of an imaginary deity that is clearly what's animating five-ninths of the Supreme Court right now, as well as half of America's major political parties. This is gonna get worse.

We're going to be fighting against the Supreme Court as long as you and I are alive, most likely. Hell, even if we're lucky enough to outlive this iteration of it, I can't imagine anybody listening is going to live long enough to see all their damage undone. And I'm sure if Heath were here, he'd be happy to sum up the reason for that in either six or seven words, depending on whether he uses the contraction or goes with should have, but that's where we are now, right? There are two other branches of government that can stand between them and Gilead, but to do that, we need to rely on Democrats voting. And I can't think of many propositions I'd be less comfortable staking my future on. Look, I'm not trying to depress you, and I apologize if this comes across as hopeless,

but I have this terrifying vision of the fucking midterms and all the apathetic bullshit we're bound to hear about the promises Biden didn't keep and the bills this Congress didn't pass and the issues the Democrats didn't prioritize. And I can already hear us screaming, don't you remember 2016? Just the same way that we screamed, don't you remember 2010 back in 2016? And don't you remember 2000 back in 2010? And don't you remember 1988 in 2000? And don't you remember 1980 back in 1988?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe Texas will light a fire under our asses. Maybe we'll have more than six weeks of political memory for once in my fucking lifetime. But history sure as hell doesn't suggest it. They're talking about you, Jesus. May I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin? Joining me for headlines tonight is nobody, because I'm not here.

I'm on vacation. So's Heath and Eli. But just because we can't comment on the news doesn't mean we can't do a few headlines. We've actually been stocking up for months now, so we've got some extras that never made it onto the show for you, but first, a word from this week's sponsor, IP Vanish. Hey, Lucinda.

What's with the weird closet thing? Skiff, Noah. I'm sorry, Skiff? Sensitive, compartmented information facility, like high-level government officials use to ward off electronic surveillance. I see. And why did you have a SCIF installed in our house?

Well, the targeted ads online are getting way too apropos. I'm pretty sure they've got bugs in the house at this point. Okay, well, Lucinda, if you're worried about advertisers getting your information online, why not try IPVanish? What's IPVanish? Screwing the stats all up. What? IPVanish is a virtual private network, a VPN for short. A VPN is an important tool that helps you safely browse the internet. You can use a VPN on your computers, tablets, phones,

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IP Vanish is the best of the best, even rated 4.7 out of 5 stars on Trustpilot with more than 6,000 reviews. Remember, that's IPVanish.com slash scathing to get the deal and start protecting yourself online. Will do, but I'm keeping the skiff. Are you sure? It takes up so much

space. Given the way the Supreme Court is going, I feel like I'm going to get spied on pretty soon, so... Okay, no, yeah, actually, that makes sense. Yeah. And now, headlines from the past already in progress. And in bi-bisexual news. A Christian has once again tried to explain why gay people exist, and until Gotham installs that spotlight with our logo,

that is our bat signal here at The Scathing Atheist. So we're going to talk about it. Now, the author in question is the editor of the Gospel Coalition, Joe Carter, who, by the way, looks like a chia pet trying its very best to act straight. He weighed in on the latest Gallup poll that says 5.6% of Americans now identify as LGBTQ, as opposed to 3.5% in 2012. That's right, everybody. Nine years, 2.1% gayer. Nailing it.

2.1 percentage points. The group got 60% bigger. Yeah. I want to use whatever phrasing makes Joe Carter extra terrified. That's how it works. 60% every gay person from 2012 is now a gay person. Plus a second gay person with like their legs chopped off at mid thigh. And they're coming for you.

They are. They are. It's so weird. It's like how it got more socially acceptable to be an atheist. There were suddenly more atheists, like all those people that weren't atheists and believed in the Christian telling of the creation of the universe suddenly stopped believing in

God when it became more socially acceptable? It's like that. Right then. I mean, I think the atheism thing was mostly our podcast. No, let's not confuse them. That was us. You're welcome. But of course, Joe Carter knows the real reason behind this change social contagion wait

what yes quote he'll explain quote social contagion and normalization of homosexuality have combined to make the younger highly susceptible and credulous generations believe they should identify as lgbtq what okay he won't really explain. He'll say something. Social contagion is the only adequate explanation for why so many younger people, especially women, claim to be bisexual or bi-curious in such a short time.

Yeah, the only possible explanation. Yeah, that tolerance contagion that we created in a chinese lab is finally spreading our plan is finally coming together yeah i just i certainly can't imagine any other reason that more and more women would find a life devoid of male companionship appealing why don't you explain it to us more joe tell us what the ladies are thinking some more. But he does manage to get wronger. It's true. It's not just social contagion, he explains.

It's also porn. Of course it is. Really listen to this quote. I'm interested. He has my attention. This is really good. That is your key word, though. That's like Alexa to my smart speaker okay i'd like to say something all right attention quote for years the most popular search term for

pornography for women has been lesbian this is a bit of a misnomer however since most of the porn produced for this category is by women who also produce heterosexual porn wait what i don't know how porn works yeah well like yeah okay look lesbian porn is way less likely to suddenly have some weird objectifying degrading shit pop up midway through your masturbation dude that. That's it. I solved it. And he's all confused. He's like, no, that doesn't make any sense because strippers love me. They do. They love me.

I don't even know if this is so weird. So funny. Social contagion. Yeah, so there you have it. Just to sum up his points here, the young and credulous are getting tricked into gayness by the lesbian porn they watch

because of how straight they are. That's his idea. By the way, side note, Joe. Hey, buddy, if you can get tricked into gayness, you're gay. I mean, look, good for you. Live and let live. But you're a gay person.

And don't get me wrong. I'll pretend to be tricked for Thomas Smith from opening arguments because he needs to stay married. But we both know what's needs to stay married but we both know what's going on we both know what's going on next up in headlines we have a story about marjorie taylor green you might remember her as the q anon supporting member of congress who's banned from all committees congress decided she's so stupid and vile that her entire job is being present like Tulsi Gabbard is not. You also might remember her as Ann Coulter

after being sanded down for safety. Got all the sharp edges. Child safe Ann Coulter. It's an OSHA thing. Well, despite being removed from any congressional topic with a worded title, she still managed to confirm that her existence is a hate crime by herself and the entire Republican Party. Yeah. When she posted an anti-trans bigot sign on the wall outside her office

for the express purpose of making Democrat Congresswoman Marie Newman see it because Newman's office is across the hall and Newman's daughter is trans and Marjorie Taylor Greene's a piece of garbage. They're bullying people's kids now. Yeah. Right. Like if you're a Republican right now, you've got to be gearing up for the moment where you're going to have to defend competitive puppy kicking. Yep. Right. Like the pundits on the right have at least dusted off their pro puppy kicking arguments at this point. Yeah. I'm just saying, if you put that sign where my trans child could see it, they wouldn't have to kick you out of Congress.

They wouldn't have to. I have no idea what Eli means by that. So in fairness to Marjorie Taylor, who happens to share a first name with Eli's dog. In fairness to Madge Taylor, it was the Democrats who started it. They started the fight. And in fairness to my dog, she is named after a Game of Thrones character. Yeah, who raped a child.

Yeah, saved it. Not when she was named. Not when she was named. Good work. So the conflict never would have happened if Democrats didn't try to pass a bill that made people equal under the law of course i'm talking about the equality act and when you make people equal under the law especially when that includes people of any gender identity or any sexual

orientation that is a direct attack on the god of the universe sure so after the house voted to fuck god and pass the bill marine newman decided to put up the transgender flag outside her office in solidarity and that's when madge taylor green responded with her bigot spite sign it reads there are two genders, male and female. Trust the science! Exclamation. Yeah, yeah. Science. Jewish space laser lady would like everybody to take the science a little more seriously. And she got the

fucking pseudoscientific argument wrong. Shocking. The pseudoscientific argument is that there are only two sexes, not genders. You lost her. That's like if you believed that eastern standard time is the only time zone and then you put a sign outside your door that says there is only one clock to prove it trust the clock science idiots read a clock so obviously magic taylor green is disgusting but we did get to watch her fail miserably at her bare bones job like she's a cop on desk duty right now.

Yes, we did. She started by arguing against the bill, claiming that it would protect pedophiles and destroy women's rights. Apparently, she's a big feminist right now. She's big into women's rights. Regardless, she knows the Republicans don't have the votes to block it, so she tries to adjourn Congress. What the fuck was that?

And everyone was like, no. Because of the votes that you were just thinking about before you panicked and tried to call a timeout. You obviously knew. Turns out the blue votes add up the same for a bill itself and timeouts on that bill by more than three days.

Ah, curses, curses. So bottom line, fuck your face. Fuck your stupid claymation and culture face in the face. Yeah. And in lowest shaman denominator news tonight. I woke up in the middle of the night with that one just in my house. Oh, shaman denominator. I'm sorry.

This is just really good. I'm writing this down. Sorry, Loki. Yep. Lucinda, wake back up. Remember, shaman. It's really good. I didn't have a pen.

So you have to. I'm just going to call my leave a text for you. All right. So, yeah, but it turns out that laws sometimes still apply to religious people even if they're conservative as long as they're not christian right okay and we learned that this week when a judge denied the request of loyal order of the water buffalo slash braveheart crossover character jacob chansley the self-described q anon shaman right he looks like he's just trying to get barney and Fred to fight in this war.

And of course, this is the guy that we all remember for managing to look like a ridiculous asshole, even in a crowd of rabid Trump supporters. And for somehow simultaneously physically embodying both the reason we should take Trump's attempts at insurrection seriously and the reason we can't. It was like Cirque du Soleil insurrection. I honestly thought he was going to do a silks routine on the Senate floor

when I first saw it. Fucking awesome. So anyway, so his lawyers asked last month that he be released from prison while awaiting trial because, you know, religion stuff. And on Monday, U.S. District Judge Royce C. Lamberth officially told him to go fuck himself good which it actually looked like he might start doing during a also for the record

just in case this ever applies i am a devout no consequences for my actions ist so yeah i know that about you for you have been for quite some time. All right. So the crux of his request was that his shamanic beliefs, which is a fucking hodgepodge of shitty made up by sewing half understood shamanic religions to two thirds understood conspiracy theories, don't allow him to take vaccines. Liar. And because of that and the result in safety protocols at the jail that he's in, his lawyer claims that meaningful, unmonitored communication with his client isn't possible. That's not why, though.

Well, right. Exactly. All right. So, yeah, right. We're going to sentence him to be educated. Come on now. Now, apparently this vaccine, Dumerassery, is not new. Chansley was actually discharged from the Navy in 2007

for refusing to take an anthrax vaccine. But the fact that he's been stupid for a while didn't impress the judge. He issued a 32 32 page scathing opinion that includes the words quote to put it plainly the defendant's religious objections to the covet 19 vaccine is not a relevant reason let alone a compelling reason to grant his temporary release end quote in fact he pointed out that despite meaningful communication supposedly being impossible, Chansley and his fucking lawyer were on goddamn 60 minutes last week. Also, if he felt safe with a giant mob carrying out an armed insurrection without wearing a mask.

Yeah, I think he can handle jail with a mask. Fuck you, man. It's too bad there's nothing about being tortured in Islam, right? Abu Ghraib would have worked itself out on Fox News in no time, right? Whoa! Now, I should emphasize that the most newsworthy thing about this story is that it's newsworthy, right? So it's worth remembering that his religious freedom

was enough to force the prison to go out and buy all organic food for the motherfucker, even though his religion is just shit he's making up as he goes along, and organic food is a vacuous marketing distinction yeah for the record if i were to go to jail my religion dictates that i can only eat keys to myself this is very serious very serious i've known that about you for a very long time you've said that sincerely held keys sincerely held in fact look so even in this distinction the judge goes out of his way to

emphasize that you know he will grant special consideration to the defendant because of religious bonus rights just not this special consideration in response to the ridiculous claim by chansley's lawyer that he isn't to fight risk because he's very very religious who would just never do such a thing the judge says those arguments are insufficient as guarantors that'll show up for his next court appearance but adds that they are, quote, possibly relevant at sentencing. End quote.

Why? Absolutely not. I was liking this judge for a second. I know you're very, very religious so you get to die in jail, huh? That's fun. You go to heaven or get reincarnated, whatever mood you're in today come back as an organic potato and next up headlines in lorraine in the membrane news

such a good pun right eli really good yeah well we have a story about christian right talking head and patron saint of calling the cops about blacking in a public park, Deanna Lorraine. She recently declared that she won't get the COVID vaccine even if Jesus Christ himself gets it. He gets stuck with all kinds of shit. Which is good news or bad news depending on how many lives you're willing to sacrifice to see Deanna Lorraine die of COVID. It's a lot. Everybody's got to pick their number. That's a high number.

During a recent episode of Deanna Lorraine Live on... Did you say 17? It's not how many would you physically kill, though. It's how many would you be okay with seeing die. It's higher now, right? Higher than 17. I'll take the over on that, too.

During a recent episode of Deanna Lorraine Live it's higher now right higher than 17 yeah okay i'll take the over on that too okay so during a recent episode of deanna lorraine live on periscope that's her thing now i guess she announced that she's been dressing up in medical scrubs pretending to be a doctor or a nurse what and going into businesses without a mask to argue with people about the science of COVID pretending like she's an authority because of her scrubs. How did it get worse? And yet there's some conservative out there going, oh, I see, but I don't mind when Jill Biden does it. So this whole murdery stunt was her response to Governor Greg Abbott of Texas

proclaiming that COVID is it's all taken care of now and he lifted the mask mandate and he declared that everything is fully open in texas now yep apparently she lives in texas now she used to be in california and this was her way of celebrating her viral freedom here's the exact words from deanna lraine, proudly describing how she became a medical expert by dressing up all sciencey. Quote, I'm wearing a nurse's outfit because I'm going around and I'm videotaping me going to different stores, restaurants, department stores, bars, etc. And videotaping people's reactions to me not wearing a mask and having them try to educate a doctor or a nurse on how masks save lives. Tell me a doctor or a nurse how masks somehow save lives.

Apparently she identified herself as a doctor or nurse when she was doing this stunt. I don't quite understand that. That's weird that you said you're one or the other of two occupations. Anyway, continuing. You go ahead, Walmart store clerk you go ahead grocery store bagger and you tell me something i don't know already you try to school me on something that i went to school for but you didn't quote go no she did not that is correct thank you do you think that when you put on that outfit you just get those powers she's insane yes she's she ran for public office just for the

record about her schooling she went to school for a degree in quote according to her linkedin organizational communications public relations journalism and psychology what she she has a ba and whatever the fuck that department has all of those things. Look, okay, so I'm sorry, I know this isn't the point, but did she say videotaping? Videotaping, yes. When is she, did her video have like

January 1st, 2000 chyrons in the bottom left? Okay, but this stunt proves the opposite of whatever her point is, right? Yes, it does. She's dressing up as someone with expertise to pretend expertise agrees with her to prove the point that all the doctors and nurses who actually are doctors and nurses disagree. She might as well walk around with the New York Times that she wrote over in Sharpie that says COVID is no big deal and be like, I'm sorry, grocery store clerk. Are you arguing with the New York Times that she wrote over in Sharpie that says COVID is no big deal

and be like, I'm sorry, grocery store clerk. Are you arguing with the New York Times? Well, she might as well do that in the New York Times headquarters and be like, are you arguing with the Sharpie over your... Jesus Christ. And just a little extra context about Deanna Lorraine, in case anyone missed it she announced last september that women should all be voting for donald trump in the general election because he's an alpha male yep just a reminder less than a week later after she said that that alpha male needed to be injected with a muddled dutch fetus just to keep him alive and then he lost by seven million votes to beta joe biden that's what happened soon after yeah you might also remember lorraine for getting 1.8 of the vote in the

non-partisan primary to represent california district 12 in the house last year and she also famously spent her entire career not being a doctor or a nurse. I think that's the most important thing to remember here. That said, we now know that Lorraine is okay with impersonating medical personnel to make a political point. So, next time she has a doctor's appointment, I have a hilarious

prank in mind that I think we're all going to agree is very deserved and funny. I think we're going to need to get it on betamax too no man it will be captured and on that note we're going to close out the headlines for the night pre-recorded heath pre-recorded eli thanks as always and when we come back we'll see just how unfamiliar christians are with the way that books behave. In the world of entertainment, the lowest form of everything is the Christian version.

And with a few notable exceptions, the second lowest form of everything is the children's version of that thing. So it stands to reason that the absolute nadir of art will be found in Christian children's entertainment, which we will prove once again with another edition of God Awful Minions. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Salty the Songbook,

Kids Praise 2. It's a Christian kids musical show with, I'm pretty sure, a white power theme. I think you're right. Or, or it is an MKUltra brainwashing movie to make me into a Manchurian candidate.

Or both, actually. It's hard to say. And Eli, how bad was this mini? Well, if you loved Barney the Dinosaur, but you wish they kept filming after his psychotic break, you will love this mini. Also, I know we don't usually do this on the minis, but it's very important to me. I'm going to go with best worst subplot that only Heath is following. There are some letters that will follow and do tremendous grievance to my friend Ethan Wright throughout this children's production.

They don't make any sense. We'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. Yeah. All right. So now we're open. Here's the one that gets me right off the bat.

We're going to open up on enough microphone hiss to make a snake cringe. And then we're told everything we need to know about the production value and the time it takes for that logo to pop up. Oh, that sweet, sweet, salty Kids Co. logo. Oh, no, a question. Did all the real instruments vanish from 1969 to 2001? Did we get them back for 9-11? It was all synth before then. Yeah, we used a lot of synthesizers at this point in history.

Yeah. We called them synthesizers. All right. So, yeah. So we get the intro song, which we've seen before. This is the song we're in fucking salty. The songbook, which is a dude in a giant Bible costume, goes pied pipering his way through a neighborhood. Yeah.

Okay. So pro tip. so pro tip if a guy in a mascot uniform is walking down the street singing skipping down the street singing don't let your small child run along with the mascot guy yeah always a bad move you just you gotta know that jesus i gotta say i was trying to get some of the lyrics on this song so i turned on the youtube closed captioning it was amazing it's one of my favorite things that i've ever read and they did they have no fucking idea but yeah so all the kids are skipping looking at it and of course you're supposed to be like wow salty sure does appeal to a lot of children from diverse ethnic and cultural backgrounds

right i also i forgot so many things about this theme that i love the first is it just seems like several children's shows are trying to start independently at the same time. The kids are singing a song. Salty's singing a song. There's background trombones doing their own thing. I also forgot that they include in the theme song the part where Salty almost eats shit because he's in a giant book costume in the forest. Well, they're also the one where he runs down the slide. Yeah. forest. Also the one where he runs down the slide. That's where I expect it because I have

seriously considered buying this IP just so we could reshoot this intro, have him eat shit on the way down that slide and just splice it into all the old shows. Yes. They can't stop you. Legally. Yeah. Salty stops singing the theme

entirely at one point because he's walking in giant mascot shoes and comes so close to eating it a bunch of times. I was rooting so hard. He stops singing and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, while the kids continue the fucking song. I'm a little, shut the

fuck up, I'm trying to concentrate. By the way, the lyrics here, I'm a little praiser and a hallelujah razor and and i stand about three feet tall and god damn it just got stuck in my head for like uh conservatively two years when we watched this last time yeah right now it's in there dear listener do not watch this video do not watch it i've been doing it ever since. It's terrifying. Salty is your God for your own sake.

I switched it to six feet tall in my head and I'm singing about myself now. It's really bad. So, okay. So all the little boys and girls pile into Salty's worship workshop. Hey, pro tip. If the singing mascot has a workshop expressionist lair, don't go inside. Okay, I just want to point out that the outside of the workshop is very clearly what they let some church group paint, and it looks like fucking dog shit. Everything else is like children's show shit, but this one looks fucking garbage.

It's pretty awful, yeah. So they all come in, we're reminded that he has a giant, like, disembodied nose on his wall. It's the nose at all. Every time we see it, I just want them to be like, oh, no, it's the international Jew. Oh, Jesus Christ. But no, it's the nose at all. It's my goddamn nightmare. Every single visual thing.

I hate it so much. It's very, very unpleasant. Don't watch this. Yeah. So, yeah. So the nose sneezes teehee and salty says are you not feeling well and he's like no i just wanted to remind you guys to obey the lord it's like what the fuck does sneezing have to do so he sneezes to get your attention

dick move right but just then we hear some thunder and lightning outside now at this point everybody puts on a raincoat even even though they're inside. The ending of this is going to be as bad as you're fearing it might be. You have no idea what the ending to this is going to be. Seriously. Seriously, take a moment, podcast listener. I know I tell you to do this occasionally. Be like, hey, what's the most tone-deaf, thought-blind thing

they could end this episode on? You don't have it. Really go there. You don't have it. You're not going far enough. Actually, you do have it. You just don't think you have it. You're like, well, it couldn't be, but you've got it.

You do have it. All right. So, yeah. But Soti has a song about rain falling, and he wants to sing that with everybody. Yeah. It's a story about a wise man and a foolish man and he decides to cast that for a little skit during the song and he's like okay

who wants to be the wise man who wants to be the foolish man girls hands down hands down all the girls this actually gets way worse if we have lady characters from the bible oh yeah no shit so who wants to be chopped up and mailed all over israel yeah so we get our our first song or second song after the theme and it's about how wise people build their houses on rocks and foolish people build their houses on sand yeah which i mean i get what they're going for but don't build your house on a fucking rock that's a terrible idea yeah but they they think it's a good idea and they build their little house in this skit not on the rock they have it's just nope next to a rock yeah still though they're very clearly like

huh did barney tell you about what makes the best foundations for bronze age housing no shit is why yeah so the good kid builds a house on a on a rock and and then salty dumps water on that kid's head right he's got a little pitcher and he just dumped some water on their head for no discernible reason right yeah and the the lyric is like the floods came up because the water came down whatever so the flood is like flooding this entire house and it's going to kill the person because if they had put it on sand it would have fucking drained and they would have been fine right yeah exactly exactly but now we cut to the foolish kid who's building his house on the sand and and then salty dumps something on him too okay um yeah he dumps what we will later learn is vanilla pudding on this trail. Literally vanilla fucking puddings.

But yeah, I mean, short of pina colada mix, that's a bunch of cum on that kid's cum. It's cum. And he's like, how's that taste, buddy? Try it out. And the kid is licking yellowish white goop off his own face. licking yellowish white goop off his own face. Like yellow goo from 1981 as a prop is going into this child who is being poisoned right now. Oh,

I'm so uncomfortable. Yeah. All the other views on this video on YouTube are for perverts. And then, okay. And then they like, so the point is, is that this kid didn't build his house on a firm foundation and so it's gonna gonna fall down but after they dump this fucking stage sperm all over

this kid's face then they tear his little house down it's so awful okay but this is possibly one of my favorite moments in the movie salty has to kick it over and the act there's so much rage in that moment of freedom from the actor he kicks it so hard you see the kids all get scared and go because he's like i went to juilliard and they're like what salty and he's like i mean i'll have a little praiser and whatever yeah oh god the song goes um i have to say like so build your house on the lord jesus christ and i for one imagined his legs sticking out from under it like dorothy just landed a house on it right exactly by that but yeah so then we finish this up by zooming in on the yellow custard shit that's on this kid's face. But then they're going to try

out some wordplay now that that song's done and that goes as well as you'd expect. Oh, there's so much here. This opening pun sequence, it's what I imagine Heath's hell is, right? They're not puns. So he's got a

musical note on the wall on like a poster and Salty's's like so this used to be a yellow note but somebody pushed it through a horn and now it's a blue note and and it's so the note itself is the color blue to go with that pun i guess and then he's like hey press it see what happens and we hear it and it's not a note it's six different notes four different tones but then i was like okay yeah one of those could be considered a blue note act and then i was mad at myself i was like fuck they actually got that right and i was trying to correct the music and and while he's doing his little wordplay thing he drops some very dark reflections in here one of

which is that he has a daughter which implies that salty the psalm book has and can fuck yep yeah yeah no that was because because he told his daughter to take some notes and that's why there's notes missing it's so bad at one point though there's two kids that are swinging on a couple of like eighth notes that are connected by a bar or whatever but when you first see it is really kind of looks like a pair of testicles that they're swinging on they have to really back off to a certain angle before you realize

that's not what they're going for they're swing notes swing is a music what the fuck is it because I know what a blue note is and a sharp and a flat what the fuck is a swing note anyway a note isn't swing by definition a flat what the fuck is a swing note anyway yeah a note isn't swing by definition there would be other notes to make it possibly swing related in some way yes yeah so

yeah this goes on for as long as i can think of different eternity note words yeah and also we should point out that there's like when when he makes a joke there's these disembodied mouths that'll come up and laugh so that you're laughing mouths this is my clockwork orange torture this is this is what i was talking about with the m kelch thing it's terrifying yeah no it's a disturbing image but they keep doing it over and over again no no we made a funny trust us we did it it's the applause sound of laugh cues i was like you know what i think i'm gonna murder kennedy i think i am gonna murder kennedy thought it over yeah but this ultimately all leads into him saying yes when you're making music you can choose any note that you want but one thing you should always

choose is to follow our leader jesus yeah that's the segue i wrote as a joke in my notes, speaking of choices, homosexuality, and I was so close. So close, my friends. So yeah, one choice we could all make is to obey and stop choosing for ourselves, but I don't think they pick up on that. And one

kid is like, hey, are you suggesting that we could play follow the leader? Because that would be funny. He's like, you can do that for two seconds, and then I'm back on Jesus, okay? He comes out, and he's like, touch your heads, and Salty fucking side-tackles him out of the way. He's like, speaking of leaders, we need to follow Jesus, who is our leader. Yeah, exactly. You've had your four seconds of fun.

It's time to supplicate ourselves before the Lord some more. So now they're going to sing a song about following Jesus, which is also what the fucking last two songs were about, but okay. This is also where they introduce the letter blocks. There's blocks that have letters on the side, and right now we see them l l r a s r there's a heart on a block after that and then also the letter i and i was like i must figure this out i don't know why why do i care so much but i was like is this the

konami code left left right no okay so then i'm trying to spell stuff out i'm doing jumbles it's like okay l r like left right lr heart liars that doesn't make sense god so yeah so they sing their little song the lyrics are follow the leader jesus christ the king follow the leader everybody's saying that's how hard they're trying yeah and they keep doing all the god commands but they don't do any of the fun ones they just do like read your bible i was like where's the scare away birds before you take the eggs or you'll be put to death huh cowards i don't remember any of this because i was just like if they don't explain these goddamn letters i'm gonna lose my goddamn mind if you take out your right headphone you can hear he's 20 minute commentary on whether or not these letters

smell like a glass i'm doing math so okay and then during this song one of the lyrics is about how sometimes in life you'll fall down but jesus will pick you back up and when he says that he pushes like again violently shoves two kids to the ground. So hard. I'm pretty sure one of them is the same one that got the facial earlier. And I think Salty just fucking hates that kid. Yeah, 100%. That's his real son, and he's working through some shit.

Or he's, like, flirting with that kid and, like, pushing him down on the playground. Yeah, right, Right. Yeah. I love to, cause the kids, they're as they're doing this and they keep doing this thing where the kids are standing in the blocks and they'll walk around on us in a circle and get back on the blocks. At one point,

the kids forget how the blocking goes and they just stand in the background arguing about it for like 30 seconds, but the show must go on. I guess they probably just wanted to understand what the letters meant. Whatever. That's the argument. Yeah on, I guess. They probably just wanted to understand what the letters meant. Whatever. That's the argument they're having. Yeah, right, right. So that song wraps up and we cut to Salty counting down

for hide and seek. These kids fucking suck at hide and seek by the way. They're all just standing like next to a lamp. Yeah, no, they're terrible. Also, just one more pro tip. Whip those kids' asses. If the mascot with an expressionist lair that you're now in closes his eyes for 10 seconds, run the fuck away.

Yeah. 10 seconds now. You go away. You hide further. But we can't. But the kids can't get a single goddamn game in around this preachy motherfucker. Because just as they're trying to play hide and seek, Buford Bugle Lamp shows up. And he's like, well, you know, hide and seek sure is fun.

But you can't hide from the judgment of god i we cannot be clear that this is without exaggeration the message they will introduce four puppets and all four puppets will be like no you cannot hide from god he is omniscient he sees everything you do he He knows everything you think. There is no hiding from him. Yeah. And this is the second time that the kids were just about, they were starting a game that they were enjoying for three seconds. And then it was like, fuck you, God, Jesus.

You can't hide. He's coming for you. Yeah. Yeah. Never play hide and seek with Jesus. He can see through the fucking holes in his hands when he covers his eyes, people. Hello. He's cheating. Yeah. This is also where we meet Bertha Bureau.

Okay. So we didn't describe anywhere near close to the most offensive thing that's happened in this scene yet or this entire movie show. So yeah, we meet Bertha Bureau and she says my maiden name was Venation birth of a nation right

right birth of it they made a birth of a nation pun presumably to entertain the parents that they knew they were selling to i really wanted the camera to cut over to like one of the black kids who's just like, yikes. Yeah, right. There is a little black girl there. I wanted her to just destroy this bureau with an axe immediately after this comment. Yeah, to be clear, they just made a joke about a movie that was so racist that the 19 teens called it out for being too racist. Jesus fucking Christ. But yeah, but just

as we're all trying to catch our breath from that, the concertina twins puppets come in and just like, what we're trying to say is Jesus knows when you touch your dick. That's what we want you to know. My wife was furious that they besmirched the fine name of concertinas everywhere. I was

distracted for the rest of the scene because we she did like a fucking ibsen-esque monologue about the vengeance she would have on salty the songbook yeah but of course they have a song about not playing hide and seek with jesus oh my this song is what a clown should sing as he chases you through a hall of mirrors with a kitchen knife. It's such a terrifying song. I wanted one kid to mess up, get hit by lightning, and then they all just start like crying and keep singing. If I wrote this song as a parody, people would be like, little broad, Eli, little broad. Also, just a reminder, we're about to hear a song from bertha bureau nay birth of a nation so i was like ah they're gonna do a minstrel show i'm not surprised if they do

a minstrel show and then you look at salty and you're like okay oh wow he's a fucking color switch away he's all blue he's a color switch away from literally minstrel show makeup with like the eyes all colored out and white is gross guaranteed there's a first version of salty where he is just in black face and he's like what bibles are black and then you know an angry teary fight later they settled on blue yeah right right oh god yeah so the this song goes on like it says don't play hide and seek from the lord that loves you like 10 to the 23rd fucking times. And the last line of it is, you can't hide from God, which is way more of a threat than kids' songs usually end on, in my experience. I'm God, and I'm fucking everywhere, motherfuckers.

Boop. Kids' song. Yeah. It's ridiculous. kids song. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

And so when that song ends, another little girl comes up kind of seemingly a little disturbed about how God watches her pee. Yup. Right. And she's like, uh, does God watch me poop? And salty's like,

Oh yeah, that is special. Does God collect bulk metadata? Comfortable. Would it make you feel any better if your friends dressed up as living flesh and threatened you specifically? That'd be great. Okay, well then, good news. Yeah, another great masterful segue.

A bunch of the kids just show up and they're like, hey, Salty, apropos of nothing, I dressed as an eye, she dressed as a hand, he dressed as a foot, and they dressed as an ear. Do you have a song about that, maybe? Okay. There's a kid dressed as a giant disemb dressed as an ear. Do you have a song about that maybe? Okay. There's a kid dressed as a giant disembodied eyeball here. And the eyeball costume is enormous and way too

fucking heavy. This kid, his neck is about to snap for the rest of the song. He can't breathe. We watch him die in the costume. This is a snuff film. Also, there was a block with the letter E now, too, and I was like, okay, L-L-R-A-S-R heart I-E

heart ralliers? That's nuts. See, I started using the heart as a blank earlier, and I got ralliers, but yeah. Whoa! So yeah, but luckily, it just so happens that Salty does have a disembodied ear song, but first he'll have to perform the invocation of the circle of imagination.

They have to teleport for the song. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently, they have a circle of imagination that will teleport them anywhere in the world. So they go to the park down the street. Yep. And then they sing this song.

Now, this song, this is a, like, don't tell mommy what happened here today song, right? No. The Pope scratched this song out. Okay, so the eyeball comes up and the song lyrics are like, be careful little eyes what you see. Yeah, be careful little ears what you hear.

How the fuck do you control eyes and ears seeing and hear like what are you gonna do there how do you it's in the i was like oh maybe homeschool is what they're going for yeah right right but the moral seems to be see no evil hear no evil thus far and then it goes because there's one of them dressed in a foot and it's like be careful little feet where you go and i I'm like, that's not a God thing. Like, atheists have to do that too. Like, anybody can step on a fucking Lego. Come on.

Yeah. And then they have don't touch hot things with the hand. Well, yeah. Be careful little hands what you do. And I'm thinking, okay, this is a masturbation thing. But they show the hand with a match. Some depressed kid walks over in a penis costume. Just do it, Kyle costume just do it kyle i don't think the match disqualifies it from being a masturbation okay all right no fair fair i don't

mean to kink shame mine's very raspy we should point out that the fucking that the hand costume is so fucking bad that if it wasn't for the song you would not know what body part they were going like that you'd be like oh and you're the gallbladder you're the turkey man of dicks yeah yeah exactly also just a reminder these little ears and eyes that we're talking about they're hearing and seeing birth of a nation from their parents VCR. Yeah, right. That is true. Right. Okay, now I can see why you want to be careful.

Okay, so that song fizzles out and we masterfully segue into the next scene by having a kid run to Salty and say, hey, Salty, what's that thing from the next scene? Yeah, he says, what's that thing with the purple pipes? And I wanted so badly for Salty to be like, oh, that's my bomb collection. But

it's so much worse. It's the quote. I shit you not. Purple pipes, praise organ. Exact words. And also 100% what this guy has named his penis. 100%.

Purple pipe, praise organ. And he's worked it into a kids show now. 100% what this guy has named his penis. 100%. He's named his penis Purple Pipe Praise Organ and he's worked it into a kids show now. Yep. A kids show that has already had a birth of a nation joke. I'm starting to think that they just did this to fuck with us like they saw podcasting coming somehow all those years ago. So yeah.

So he's got this organ where every different key has a different sound effect so now it actually sounds like a podcast. And then that rolls, of course, into another song about loving Jesus a lot. OK, and the only thing I want to point out about this song. Actually, I have so many things. But the first thing I want to point out about this song is that they give this one little girl a solo. And she is, for some reason, made up like a coroner's first try.

Like grandma's lipstick for your TV show. It's terrifying. Yeah. Okay, so the little girl that stood out to me is because at one point in this song, they all do a bunch of leapfrog. And there's one kid that's taking it. This one little girl is taking it Heath levels of serious. She is so competitively leaping up. She just starts throwing her arms up in victory.

I expect her to start taking a shit on some other kids chest at the end of it it was amazing okay I was taken in by the somersaulting they all do those shitty somersault on your neck that you could do if I tried to do a somersault like this I'd be in the hospital for 8 years

the benefits of youth and I was focused on the blocks with L, U, and R now. So it's L, L, R-A-S-R-I-E-L-U-R heart. And I was like, I heart lulls rarer. That's nothing.

I got so angry. Heart surreal, real. Those are three words. And then there was a Y on the side of one of the blocks that I gave up. Yeah, that's the thing. Once you start flipping around, you have too many permutations. Well, some of them have symbols like hearts

apparently. And this song, of course, ends on the line, and I quote, Suffer ye the little children to come unto me. The only thing scarier than Bible verses is Bible verses said by children. Sung by children. Even worse.

Yeah. There was apparently a rule in this song that each verse had to be scarier than the last one. And also, like, I know they're kids, but the last kid who does his little solo sings like when you stretch out the balloon as it's deflated. Absolutely. I feel bad for him, too, because they kept giving this one kid this is the the vanilla pudding kid too and they kept giving him lines in the song that are way too long so it was like it's like watching the guy at the karaoke bar learn on the fly that hey jude was a terrible terrible pick yeah and he has to just keep singing na na na

he's just totally given up by the end yeah it was rough all right so now girl in yellow points out that wait a minute jesus is omnipotent and all-knowing and he loves me but my life still sucks most of the time that doesn't seem right yeah and don't worry salty answers none of their questions and is just like the bible yep yeah the kids are like yeah but hold on it doesn't make sense why i would suffer so much if god was all knowing and all hold on a second wait and he's like the bible is an instruction book that tells you how to live yeah and the kids try to help him out so they're like oh so you're saying the the bible can help me love my sister even when i'm mad at her and he's like

i can knock you down for a couple of days and if you get up you're fine it's okay no problem your uterus will fall out if you birth of a nation told me yeah yeah so and then one one little girl who by the way seems about ready to strangle her fucking sister over taking her fucking toys she's like all right you know what i'll love my goddamn sister but if i don't get into heaven for it i am coming for you you goddamn anthropomorphized book foreign height 451 you hear me i even know the temperature i understood that pun about birth of a nation you're next yeah but it just so happens uh to come up in that conversation that god has the whole world at his hands

ran out of original material for salty the song Clearly, yeah. The songs are nine repeated words and they still couldn't manage to make 24 minutes worth of them. So all the kids start singing A Whole World in His Hands. They're throwing up these little globe beach balls, but the water part is see-through, so they look like some kind of horrifying bug egg or some shit.

Yup, yup, absolutely. Yeah, and there's a tiny little version of Salty the Songbook here, like fucking Quatto. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and there's a tiny little version of Salty the songbook here, like fucking Cuado. It was terrifying. That is the child he talked about earlier, maybe? Yeah, okay, possibly. Unclear.

Also, and I have to point this out, Salty goes the fuck off in this one, right? As though the actor is showing off that he can out- these little kids like because i mean yeah man of course you can't whole world in his hands i was like if salty goes into an aretha franklin riff at the end of this thing i am converting to christianity this is the season finale all right but so then we kick off the final scene with a reprise of the kid that got

the sperm dumped on him earlier. Okay. This is so fucking insane. They run over to Salty and they're like, Josh is building his house on the sand again. So they run over there and Salty's like, Josh, are you a fucking Jew? Yeah, right. He didn't decide to become a dirty

fucking Muslim, did you? And no, no, Josh is like is like no i want the goop give me the goop all over my face that's exactly what happens okay and we actually end this children's musical with salty yeah, that kid gets fucking cum gooped again. Gooped again. But we end with Salty getting a money shot from 10 kids of yellowish white goop. That's literally what I watched. I watched this. They surround him and throw, by their own claim, vanilla pudding at his face as the camera zooms in. And his name is Salty, people. Salty.

Salty. Yes. Yes. We get the Bukkake reference. It is unmistakable. So any moral to the story that you guys could tease out? Absolutely not. Salty's not a cum dodger.

Okay. That's good to know, though. All right. So on that note, we're going to shove Salty back on the shelf long enough for Eli to hopefully forget about him altogether, but I'm sure he'll remember him again for another God Awful Mini. Before we dissipate tonight, I want to remind you that vacation or no, we're still going to have all new stuff for you every week this month. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we're back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Moves, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't be able to hold its head up high in the list if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for being as solid as a rock. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for being a different but also good consistency. I need to thank the lovely and

talented Lucinda Lusions for putting up with me for even more than normal this past week. And I also want to thank Liv for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to learn more about the Cinderella podcast, make sure to check the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Night Owl 1090, Wild Matt, Jessica, Don't Ask My Name, AJ, Jonah, Justin, Jeff, and Tanner. Night Owl Wild, Matt and Jessica, who are so sexy Potter Stewart isn't sure if he'll know porn when he sees it anymore. Don't Ask AJ and Jonah, whose IQs have more O's than a phone sex operator. And Justin, Jeff, and Tanner, whose cocks are so massive they have Lagrange points. Together, these nine naughty non-believers nudged our net worths northward this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but fucked if you're going to give money to people who take vacations, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following

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