The Scathing Atheist - 453: Raiders of the Lost Archon Edition

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

In this week’s episode, Matt Powell breaks our hearts, Christians fight back in the imagined War on Christmas with a pre-emptive War on Halloween,and we’ll wonder if it still counts as the english language when David Icke uses it. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Find out more about the New Books in Secularism podcast here: https://newbooksnetwork.com/category/religion-faith/secularism/ --- Headlines: Pew Survey shows pastors who talk about vaccines overwhelmingly endorse them: https://www.pewforum.org/2021/10/15/most-americans-who-go-to-religious-services-say-they-would-trust-their-clergys-advice-on-covid-19-vaccines/ Pope John Paul I's beatification is based on nothing more than wishful thinking: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/10/14/pope-john-paul-is-beatification-is-based-on-nothing-more-than-wishful-thinking/ Christians line up in defense of bigoted NC Lt. Gov Mark Robinson: https://www.alternet.org/2021/10/franklin-graham/ and https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/i-thank-god-for-him-right-wing-pastor-patrick-wooden-defends-nc-lt-gov-mark-robinsons-bigoted-comments/ Hate preacher says Halloween's origins involve virgin girls being raped by demons: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/10/14/hate-preacher-halloweens-origins-involve-virgin-girls-being-raped-by-demons/ “Prophetess”: My 1,000,000-Angel Army Will Stop “Critical Race Theory” in School: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/10/16/prophetess-my-1000000-angel-army-will-stop-critical-race-theory-in-school/ District judge rejects suit from Christian healthcare workers: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/10/16/judge-tosses-lawsuit-from-religious-workers-suing-over-maines-vaccine-mandate/

Warning, the following podcast has been rated R for strong language, partial nudity, and mild drug use. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Movement, WordTune, and by LaterCheese. LaterCheese, the now cheese of the future. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, my name's Carrie Lynn Evans, and I'm the host of New Books and Secularism, a podcast on the New Books Network.

On my show, I interview authors of scholarly books about secularism and atheism, covering a range of disciplines from sociology, neuropsychology, to demographics, intellectual history, biology, we run the gamut. Sadly, there's no profanity, but after doing the show for a few years now, I can promise you that scholars agree we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey people. It's Thursday. It's October 21st. And it's babbling day.

And we have a packed roster of pious observers on this show. Don't we, though? I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli we, though? I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Megan's Law, New Jersey, Cincinnati, Red State, and Redtown, Blue State, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Matt Powell breaks our heart.

Christians fight back in the imagined war on Christmas with a preemptive war on Halloween. And we'll wonder if it still counts as the English language when David Icke uses it. But first, the diatribe. You ever have a religious friend send you some article or blog or something that they think is making a point on their side, but turns out to be a point on yours. It happens to me so often that I feel like I should have a name for it. Anyway, happened again this week with a Pew survey about religious messaging and vaccination. Of course, survey after survey shows that vaccination rates are lower among religious people than atheists and nuns. The worst offenders are white evangelicals, but pretty much every conceivable religious demographic is doing worse than us

now to some degree yes this is a byproduct of our group being more educated specifically in the field of science but even when you account for that most religious groups do significantly worse than atheists when it comes to getting the jab so this show has somehow a few religious leaders that gam their way through the episodes every week and then they send me emails telling me how wrong I am about everything. So a couple of days ago, one of them sends me this Pew survey along with an explanation of what he thought it showed. Now, according to the survey, the vast majority of religious leaders that bring up vaccination in their sermons endorse it nearly eight times as many religious leaders urged a congregation to get the vaccine as urged them to avoid it and like that he presented to me as this great victory now this fails to rise to the level of defense in a couple of different ways the first is that that number is just disturbingly low this is a no fuckinger. You get the vaccine. If we found out that

eight times as many teachers were telling kids that two plus two equals four has taught them it equals five, we wouldn't be reassured by those numbers. And nobody's going to die because of that.

The number that should be urging against vaccination should be so close to zero it doesn't show up on a fucking survey. But it's actually worse than that because the majority of religious leaders,

according to this same survey, haven't brought it up at all. Can you fucking imagine? They're sermonizing their way through the most significant public health threat in any of our lifetimes, and the many vaccines that could stop the pandemic in its tracks if they were taken by enough people just doesn't come up? Wait, wait, did they decide to go with something important and topical instead but there's another important failure that's easy to lose behind those two because the number of christians who personally endorse vaccination is nowhere near that eight to one number so another major finding of the survey

is just how fucking useless religious leaders are. I mean, to the extent that religious leaders have brought up the vaccine, they've mostly endorsed it. So why aren't their congregants listening to them? One of the main justifications religious apologists use for religion's existence is they can help guide communities. But if the leadership is impotent, what good can it really do in that regard? Now, let me be clear here, because the term leader gets used in two distinct ways, and it's important to make that distinction. So the atheist movement has leaders, too, but only in the sense that there are people who speak on behalf of atheism. The extent to which I'm a leader in the atheist community is exactly commensurate with the extent to which I put voice to your thoughts.

Atheist leaders aren't really leaders so much as advocates if i started pushing you this way or that you'd be way more likely to give up on me and move to somebody who better align with your opinions than to change your opinions now religious leaders don't serve the same function i mean in a sense they do or sometimes they do especially in minority communities and honestly when they're doing that, I have no fucking issue with them at all. But religious leaders are also supposed to function as teachers and guides. Like, you know, imagine how useless education would be if students had the option to just go to whatever teacher's lessons aligned with the shit they already knew. Right? So if you want to accuse me of holding them to a different standard than I hold us to, fair.

Guilty as fucking church. But the teacher and the class president, they might both be leaders, but they should be held to different standards. And obviously, this role as teacher and guide isn't something that I'm tossing into their wagon. It's the very justification for their goddamn existence. It's the reason they have special tax deferments and legal privileges. It's the reason they've been forgiven from the general obligation of providing something beneficial for society. It's the reason terms like reverend, father father and rabbi are afforded social respect so to whatever extent they're failing to move their congregations towards vaccination they're failing to do their

fucking jobs and this survey far from defending them actually shows that even when they try they fail i mean look if your employee's not getting his job done because he's napping in the break room that's a problem you can fix by keeping a closer eye on him your employee's not getting his job done because he's napping in the break room, that's a problem you can fix by keeping a closer eye on him. If he's not getting his job done despite being at his desk and working hard at it, that motherfucker is hopeless. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the mozzarella and cheddar to my Monterey, Jack Heath, Ed Wright, and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready?

I call cheddar. I'm cheddar. That's me. Okay. Okay. I'll take this deal, but it better be Gouda. Wow. All right. Well, if he's cheese, we have to wait until later for the headline. So we're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, Zip Recruiter. Can't believe I let you talk me into coming to another restaurant.

I have hot pockets just wasting away in the freezer at home. Isn't the point that they stay frozen? You don't know. They ripen, Eli. I don't think they ripen. Good evening, gentlemen. Welcome to Spindle. Is this your first time at the restaurant?

Yes. And last, yes. Fantastic. So for you, the steak and kidney pie. And for you, Swedish fish in a sticky syrup sauce. Oh, sorry. I actually, I can't eat this. Yeah, I also can't eat this, but like I wouldn't even if I could. Well, I'm sorry, gentlemen. You do not get to choose. What do you think this is? ZipRecruiter? What's ZipRecruiter.com?

Oh, that's the smartest way to hire. When you post a job on ZipRecruiter, they send you the most qualified people for your job. Then you can easily review the candidates and invite your top choices to apply for the job. Wait, so it's hiring, but I get to invite my top candidates to apply? That's right.

In fact, according to ZipRecruiter internal data, jobs where employers use ZipRecruiter's invite to apply get, on average, two and a half times more candidates, which helps make for a faster hiring process. Wow, that sounds fast and easy. Where do I sign up? Just go to the exclusive web address ZipRecruiter.com slash S-C-A-T-H-I-N-G to try ZipRecruiter for free and you can see for yourself. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash scathing. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

Awesome. Now, any chance you have a hot pocket back there? We do. It just ripened, actually. Nice. Wow. Okay, I stand corrected.

And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the Vatican announced that the late pope john paul i is going to get beatified which means he's well on his way to becoming a saint this is actually step two step one is being a good person in the actual living time dimension and that's not even the whole step one you You can also be a terrible person, but also die heroically as a martyr, or you can be a terrible person and then do a big switcheroo at the last second. If it's big enough, that's cool too. But you have to be a good person for at least a few minutes, something like that. Now that step one is the easy part because, you know, it's real, it's a real thing. After that, you got to do a bunch of paperwork as a dead person to prove you did two different ghost miracles.

And apparently John Paul I is done with one of those two. He's getting beatified for dying in 1978 and then healing a little girl from Argentina in 2011. Okay. and then healing a little girl from Argentina in 2011. Okay, I'm not all that familiar with his exploits, but from what I know of the Catholic Church leadership and 1978, I feel like the dying part was actually the more altruistic of those two moves. Modern beatification is the weirdest fucking thing, okay?

Really, we're hopping on FaceTime to ask a little girl if her miraculous healing felt John Paul the first. Yeah, I just want to add kind of a dick move to sit there as a ghost for 33 years, not healing sick children. Thank you. Yeah, that is weird. But that's what happened. I guess you don't have to keep being virtuous after you die. Just the two miracles thing once you're dead. So here's what happened with the little girl.

She was almost dead from a bunch of long medicine words. And that's when her parents started praying for help from very specifically John Paul I, I guess. And right after that, she got better. Okay, but Heath, was there... No, no, there was no other praying. Don't be a dick. No other praying. It was just John Paul I.

So she got examined by Vatican doctors. Apparently that's a thing. And the only explanation was the ghost of a dead pope begrudgingly using his healing magic after 33 years, kind of in a snit about it. Like, oh, come on, heal. I'm sorry. The Vatican has their own doctors

for lying, right? Yes. I mean, at best, it's for this kind of thing, but it's mostly the kid fucking kind of lying that you need your own doctors for, right? Probably. Probably accurate. You just use normal doctors if it wasn't for the lying. Yep.

Also, just for the record john paul the first was the pope for exactly 33 days in 1978 before he died kind of suddenly that's what i thought yeah yeah so two things first of all really weird that those parents would pray specifically for the guy with barely any work experience to help him out right like you wouldn't pray to William Henry Harrison for help with presidential stuff if you're picking the dead president. But more importantly, if you're the pope in 1978, you were definitely hiding so much goddamn sexual abuse. Like statistically, did the math on this, even in just 33 days, you were running the show while approximately, let me just check my notes, eight schmagillion pedophile crimes happened. Yep, that does come out to that. That's the number I have.

And that guy is getting beatified. Okay, well, you did say that he could die in battle, Heath. Maybe he got killed by a particularly resilient child, one that knew karate. I wish that was what happened. Yeah. One other detail. Apparently, the Vatican's been trying to get John Paul I sainted for a while now. According to the New York Times, his canonization began in 2003,

but languished because of the difficulties in collecting evidence and documents. And I think this is my favorite part. There's a dedicated team at the Vatican for the sainthood process. And for the last 18 years, they've been trying to make up a lie unsuccessfully. They couldn't make up a lie for that time. But then they finally got lucky with God

almost killing a little girl in Argentina and then letting John Paul I save her at the last second. So it all worked out for them. Yeah, that's so... I want to know what the rejected miracles were. Right? They're just sitting around in the fucking Vatican. One guy goes, okay, okay, okay. But this one is zingier

than mayonnaise. Still doesn't fucking count, Ed. Ed's like, I don't know why you guys are saying it doesn't count. It worked with Thomas Aquinas. I hate being the new guy. Dave, come here. Taste this. Tell me there's not like a little bit of a zing.

Tell me there's not a zing to this. Stone ground. And in the Powell of Persuasion news. We don't like to spill personal drama here on the podcast, especially when it comes to inner company conflict. But as many of you have probably learned by now, our employee of the month,

eight months in a row, who was well on his way to his own race car bed, Matt Powell has resigned from Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC without notice to go work for Kent Hovind. Yeah, and I'm pretty sure we had a non-compete clause

in there absolutely but it's tricky because compete means saying things that are stupid yeah that's what it means for our job that we're it's hard to enforce that as what i'm saying legally i don't know how we're in the argument okay so for those of you who are new might not have heard of matt powell first of all welcome i'm elon kind of the lovable scamp of the podcast oh so we're keeping that bit but we're losing the part where i'm the smart one that's fine you know i had a quick it's quick answer but matt powell about me now matt powell is morgan could you insert 25 minutes of silence just a full there but matt powell is a 25 year old creationism youtuber and slur using whiz kid who specializes in reading science article headlines out of context and then

pretending he's debunked evolution's existence that was his job at least till last year when he used clips of our podcast without permission and since then he's been our much beloved indentured servant serving his term of eight terrible christian videos a month in perpetuity yeah so like his main contribution to apologetics thus far has been to like read stuff in his i'm a stupid guy voice and then dismiss him because of what a stupid guy voice he was using when he said that's me i sound like that yeah yes sound... Yeah. Yes. In further proof of what boomers offering $7.25 an hour

have been saying for almost a year now, kids these days have no work ethic or loyalty. And we learned that from Kent Hovind's YouTube channel where Matt introduced himself as their new IT director for creation science evangelism.

Yeah, a lot of questions. Circle the ones that don't belong. It's all the words. It's all those words. And it's not just that. This is the one that hurt the most. He's also going to be personal assistant to Kent Hovind. Did you want more one-on-one time, Matt?

We could have done that. We would have taken you to Six Flags. We would have taken you to any Six Flags. How about an executive parking space for your race car bed? Hello? We could have given you that. Absolutely. I do get it, though. Once Kent Hovind wins $536 billion from the U.S. government for the emotional damage of the taxes he didn't pay, after that, you know, know matt's gonna get paid super well i would imagine and just for the record that lawsuit in case you missed it it got thrown out again for like the 19th time last month that lawsuit is claiming 11 million dollars for false

imprisonment that's part of the total and 11 million dollars over his time imprisoned is $3,500 per day. That's according to Kent Hovind. So, Kent, I know you're listening. We will happily pay $4,000 to imprison you for one day. We will do it. That's 14% point something above asking. Let's do it. Hey, for what I'm paying in child care, the Squid Games are looking good.

Kent, jump on this thing, buddy. Eli, you feel like you would do childcare, the Squid Games are looking good. Ken, jump on this thing, buddy. Eli, you feel like you would do well in the Squid Games? Those would go well for you? The marbles, I might do whatever. You don't know. Maybe. I'm not having this fight on air. I just want to wrap this up by saying

that I can't help but think that all of this farad, that's the facade of a charade, are due to Heath's behavior at the Christmas party this year. And Matt, he really was just showing you he could fit his fist in his mouth. Thank you. You're the one who took it in a sexual way, Matt. That's on you. That was you, Matt. Okay, but

I feel like it was mostly the now let me do yours part that freaked him out. Okay, I was just checking if we each had cancer. That's the test. Free screening. We him out. Okay, I was just checking if we each had cancer. That's the test. Free screening. We're helping. Anyways, if you're not going to rejoin the company and you continue working for Kent Hovind, I'm not sure why

you would do that. Bring some pads. Rumor has it he gets a little judo-y after a Bud Light or two. So, you know, best of luck, Bud. Also, maybe just grow a beard, Matt. You'll absorb 40% of every single punch that's basic evolution everybody knows that ah i would pay four thousand dollars to watch him try to grow a beard honestly just check in every day hell in the cell with kent and him i mean we can

make this work oh hell yeah now and in go bigot or go home news tonight north carolina's lieutenant governor mark robinson is a homophobic transphobic piece of shit who can and should go fuck himself, which means prominent Christians are just lining up to sing his praises. The controversy about him began when Robinson was bigotting at the Asbury Baptist Church in Seagrove, North Carolina, and referred to the LGBTQ community as filth. to the LGBTQ community as built. Right-wing watch saw to it that the video of the hate speech went viral, and that led to pretty much every right-thinking, ethical human being to condemn him and call for his resignation. Correct thinking,

to be clear. Yeah, exactly. And the opposite of those did the opposite of that. Sure did. You guys remember when you announced your candidacy by showing up to shake hands at like a hot dog stand in the Rust Belt instead of yelling a slur. They were simpler times, my friends.

They were simpler times. You could try that hot dog thing in the Rust Belt, but someone's going to yell a slur at some point somewhere near that recording device. Don't do it live. You'll have a lot of retakes if you try to get rid of slurs. So, okay, so let's start with second generation evangelical

homophobe and weirdly cube-shaped human franklin graham he started off by pointing out that robinson made those comments privately on camera but that during a church event you made it worse man you see you see how that's worse right yeah well and then like any earnest defender of another's actions he blatantly lied about what robinson did so to be clear robinson said quote there's no reason anybody anywhere in america should be telling any child about transgenderism homosexuality or any of that filth end quote and he doubled down on the use of the word filth both in the next sentence and in a statement after the clip went viral but that didn't stop graham from falsely clarifying that he never compared gay and trans people to filth,

but rather, quote, he called these topics being pushed on students' filth, end quote. No. That is, of course, both wrong and irrelevant. So it's actually kind of an impressive bit of bullshit. I just heard the quote, the words in it. Frankie, Frankie, if you're going to straight up lie to your listener base of dead-eyed ghouls,

just lie bigger. Right, right. Oh, he was ordering a Big Mac at McDonald's. Mark Robinson doesn't exist. You can't see me because my eyes are closed. You need to work on the minutia,

bud. That day doesn't even exist. Wrinkle in time, Jewish hoax, and a circle back to the big thing. Yeah, that'll get you. That'll get you.

But Graham was far from alone in his praise for Robinson's disgusting remarks. We got a much more directed, robust endorsement from bigoted, even for a pastor, Pastor Bishop Patrick Wooten. I don't think we've actually talked about him on the show before, and that's odd since he's the guy that said gay men have to wear diapers

to keep all the baseball bats and animals they routinely insert in their anuses in place. Wow. We haven't talked about that guy? I don't think so. This is our Iraqi helicopter. Right? I am deeply ashamed.

We should have done better. All right. But anyway, so he posted a video on YouTube last week dismissing criticisms of Robinson as racist since he's both black and being criticized. So yes, he opened up with the no you are defense and then after

establishing that the real racists are white leftists he adds quote the lieutenant governor is standing he's all man i thank god for him i thank god for him and i agree with him 100 and quote check out my ed hardy shirt yeah so just be clear, the scale of how vile the thing you said was is the percent to which Patrick Wooden agrees with it. So congratulations on scoring all the way up there, Robinson. And on that note, we're going to pause for a word from our second sponsor this week, Movement. Welcome to Typical Watch Buying Experience. Did you want to watch or are you just looking for the bathroom and you're lost?

Oh, I'm looking for a watch, I guess. Oh, fantastic. So you look like you'd be interested in the Trejo collection by Danny Trejo. They're just $950 for the diamond, platinum, diamond, gold model. Okay. It just seems like an odd celebrity endorsement. Not really sure why that's a thing with watches and Danny Trejo. Anyway, do you have something stylish that won't break the bank?

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returns by going to MVMT.com slash scathing. That's MVMT.com slash scathing. All right. I'm going to do that. Thanks. Are you sure I can't interest you in our Polly Shore collection? The hands on the watch are made of the eyelashes of a sheep. No.

Why would anyone want that? Who are the people buying these? I have no idea. Okay. And we're back. Next up in headlines in Halloweeny news. We have a story about

Tennessee pastor Greg Locke. And it's a spooky Halloween story. Oh, nice. Would you call it a spooktacular Halloween story? Sure, Eli. I'm feeling charitable today. I am coming. Oh, nice. Would you call it a spooktacular Halloween story? Sure, Eli. I'm feeling charitable today. I am coming. There you go.

Eli's coming. Cool. So, apparently Halloween is a major existential threat to Christianity. So, Greg Locke gave a sermon explaining why everyone needs to avoid the holiday. According to G. Lo, the origin of jack-o'-lanterns and the

origin of the phrase trick-or-treat come from the long history of Satan worshipping parents, sacrificing their virgin daughters to be sexually assaulted by literal demons. Quick Google, just wanted to check that, and uh... Nope, none of that. It's none of that.

Still somehow his entire sermon. Oh, I'm just amazed that he didn't think jack-o'-lanterns were originated with a pumpkin full of cum so you know good on him nothing better encapsulates the futile stupidity of modern christianity like their ability to be afraid of their own goddamn holiday perfect so here's what we heard last week. Locke started by saying, you study if I'm not telling you the truth. That's not... We did.

That's not how if works. That too. And then he got into the origin of trick-or-treat. He said, quote, parents would have to give one of their children over to a demonic sacrificial system, or the treat was their virgin daughter to be raped by demons.

What? And from there, he explained how the jack-o'-lantern started. Quote, that mess is a reality in the witchcraft world, and they know, and they don't want us exposing it, but la-dee-da-da. Sick, he put an extra da in the phrase la-di-da because he's a fucking idiot yeah but la-di-da-da the cat's out the bag now jack so here's what would happen you would either give your child or you would give your virgin daughter not how

or works man jesus he shouldn't even be allowed to use nouns and verbs at this point. You can't. You learn to do fucking conjunctions, and then you get all the other type of words. I'll tell you what. One correct version of la-di-da, and you can use nouns. Deedly-da-na-di. No. Shit.

Wow. Okay. Just continuing one more time. You would either give your child or you would give your virgin daughter. And you know what the druids would do in return? They'd place a pumpkin on your porch with the face of a demon on it. And if you obeyed the sacrificial satanic system, they'd put a light inside of it so the demon would pass your house.

If you didn't give them the treat, the demon on you would play the trick. And that's where they got the phrase trick or treat. End exact quote. Okay. Struggle of getting through that sentence aside. The demons need a- The demon on you, Yoda, hoomps, object. Or hoomps.

All that aside, the demons need a pumpkin-based signal system? Yeah. Actually, you know what? I just remembered this guy believes in a god who needed a far creepier ram's blood-based system when killing the firstborns of Egypt. So, withdrawn. Withdrawn. Okay, but those are two contradictory origins for the same book.

Oh, shit. That's in the Bible, too. Never mind. I get it. Okay. I get it. You know what, Greg? You're on the book.

You are textually accurate yeah so if you're wondering did greg lock just get confused during his own lie about whether a demon raping a child would be a trick or a treat yes he did that too i thought it was one and then he thought it was the other because he's insane and if you're wondering whether sacrificing your daughter to be sexually assaulted to appease supernatural beings is actually a Bible story. Yes, it is. That's in the Bible. And if you're wondering if Greg Locke is a grown man who's clearly terrified of Halloween scary stuff. So he made up a giant lie to get everyone else to stop being part of it.

Yes, he did. That's what happened and the best lie he could come up with was kids getting raped by demons a lie can be about anything man you went straight to that what the fuck is wrong with you halloween doesn't exist wrinkle in time yeah jesus greg did you walk past one of those movement-activated skeletons at Spirit Halloween and shit yourself last year? Yes. You can tell us, Greg. I did.

And in One Million Momsters news, if you've been listening to our show for a while, you know two things. Heath's the tall one, and the latest boogeyman of Christian nutbags is critical. Sorry, it's a three-beat. Had to go for the three-beat. You didn't change it, though.

It's cool. Thought you might do something new. I'm not coming right now. I stopped. The latest boogeyman of Christian nutbags is critical race theory, an academic lens through which scholars can examine American history,

society, and institutions of power, including government and legal systems, from a race-based perspective. as christians would put it turning your kids gay by canceling thomas jefferson yeah that's about right well luckily that battle against critical race theory is finally behind us because none other than show favorite geriatric hentai background extra cat care has sent an army of one million angels to stop critical race theory in schools i'm just picturing these angels doing that job to get in there and they're like guys i don't know i just heard i think there's a mass shooting in the cafeteria of this same school maybe we like split up and do angel stuff there cat said one

million of us this This is serious. I love Eli's implication there that kind of flew under the radar of the tall joke that people who aren't listening to this show might have missed the whole CRT kerfuffle. It's a good thing you guys have us tune you in on this shit. If they're lucky.

If they're lucky. You're welcome. Appearing, as usual, on Steve Schultz's YouTube program Elijah List, Miss Care had this to say, quote, This morning, I sent a million of them because this is about children and the whole woke thing and all of the critical whatever stuff. Wow. Nailing it, Miss Care. Nailing it. I very specifically commanded the army to shut

the mouth of every person trying to be involved in that situation. Pull down and shred platforms that would empower wicked people to do wicked things. End quote. Angels just smashing down the door of kindergarten rooms. The Afro pessimist view of our economic modality doesn't

actually... Nope. Okay. It's just crayons again. The kindergarten was talking about Afro pessimism. Again. No. Do we really need a million of us? So many. I love the idea that there's a million angels just standing there after she leaves going,

guys, what the fuck did any of that mean? We're going to shut the mouths of the people involved in the critical whatever stuff. We're going to pull down the platforms that would empower wicked people to do that would include on ramps. we're gonna shut the mouths of the people involved in the critical whatever stuff we're gonna pull down the platforms that would empower wicked people to do that would include on ramps what the fuck is she talking about yeah also we should teach some afro pessimism maybe not kindergarten but yeah teach it now i know what you're thinking eli i'm having a little bit of trouble picturing that well no worries she included quote if you picture yourself standing as like a general in front of a real military,

you could walk up there and say, okay, y'all just go here and go do that. And y'all go over here and do that. They need orders. Well, you know what? Heaven's army is the same. End quote. Is that how she thinks generalship works?

Like a lineup meeting at Applebee's or something? How many? The military is not small. Is she picturing our generals being like, no, I know it's confusing who I'm pointing at. 101st. Are there 101st of you? Dave, I'm going to need you to go to the left.

Let's count off again. Let's count off. One, two. Alright, so now that we understand how Heaven's Army works, you know, according to StarCraft rules, we have a pretty decent heads up if any history teacher finds themselves involuntary

shut up by an army of angels doing a Zerg rush. So yeah, thank you, CatCare. Good looking out. Also, before an army of angels doing a Zerg rush. So, yeah, thank you, Cat Care. Good looking out. Also, before anyone emails me, I know Zerg rush is old tactics, but nobody would have gotten a Phoenix opening reference. So leave me alone. No, you wouldn't have wanted a reference nobody got.

Yeah. Good clarification. Now I understand what you're talking about. One guy is going to be like, fuck yeah. And he's going to be fucking South Korean korean but yeah and finally tonight in the devil's own jab news fantastic thank you we have a nugget of good news to wrap this segment up on for a change and it involves a lawsuit filed by a group of christian health care workers in maine who claim that the state's vaccine mandate is tantamount to christian persecution

and also a judge who told him how hard that lawsuit could go fuck itself love this judge now the lawsuit claimed that their religious beliefs didn't allow them to take a vaccine developed using fetal cell lines and the policy that forced them to do so was motivated by religious animus and the judge decided to show them what real animus looked like for future reference apparently all right cool so as long as none of you have any other vaccines we are good oh y'all got quiet why'd y'all get real quiet nothing you guys hear that no nothing cool so you guys know how i'm building a time machine just to go get george orwell so we can side tackle libertarian idiots who quote him out of context i do yeah i'm making a stop to get fdr with his cane yeah with these people right

so to be clear here this is about a statewide mandate not a specific policy of one particular hospital or something the state of maine requires health care workers to be vaccinated for certain diseases and that's been the case for decades because even people without the sense to move the fuck out of maine realize that vaccination should be a prerequisite to, you know, working in the extremely vulnerable to disease people industry. Yeah. Now, the state used to allow for exemptions for medical, religious and philosophical reasons. But they ended those last two practices in 2019 because it turns out the deadly pathogens don't give a fuck what religion or philosophical bent you have. And this was actually decided through a statewide referendum

that was approved by 72% of the state's voters. But despite the fact that this happened in 2019 and through a public vote, the plaintiffs in the lawsuit claimed it was done despite Christians who don't want to take the COVID vaccine. Okay, and to be fair, it turned out to be that, but just because you guys suck ass right bestiality laws aren't unfairly targeted at me because i'm the only guy in town trying to fuck a horse right

i learned that the hard way yes and pass i have no interjection moving on now the judge's ruling on this one is goddamn delightful it's 40 plus pages of fuck you written in legalese the judge who's an obama appointee by the name of john levy was absolutely scathing in his dismissal pointing out that even if he accepted the idea that vaccine requirements are a violation of religious freedom which he doesn't it's not like the state owes them a fucking job right like if your religion requires you to not work in a hospital you're all the way allowed not to work in a fucking hospital yeah he also points out that they never seem to have any issue with all those other vaccines they were required to take in the

pre-covid years even the ones that were developed using fetal cell lines and as conway regional health system in arkansas reminded us recently if they're consistent about their feelings on medicines developed using said lines, they're going to have a lot of trouble finding a suitable ointment for all the various burns in Levy's decision. Hell yeah, they are. If religion doesn't let you in public, I'm super good

with that. Yeah. Oh no. Be pious, man. Right? Stay in your closet. It says so in the Bible. Yeah. And with the knowledge that at least some people in power still at least have some sanity, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumaji.

And when we come back, we'll remember that we were reading a David Icke book and we'll be really sad about it. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hey, podcast listener. Do you have an Eli on your team? Yeah, you know, a guy who sends emails to your customers who just should not be doing that. To hoops, it may concernify.

Yeah, stuff like that. Well, don't worry. You're not alone. Every year, U.S. businesses waste over $400 billion. That's $400 billion. Because bad writing causes confusion misses the mark or just takes too long to get to the point in the end at the point of things it's neither here nor there because we have to ask ourselves and by extension everyone else including us and we how are you

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Oh, dang it. I posted a list of my medical symptoms on Patreon again, guys. Again? Yeah. Really? It's a paid post. And right now, our listeners can get 50% off WordTune for Teams at WordTune.com

slash scathing. If you want to see the benefits of WordTune, you can try WordTune for free at WordTune.com slash scathing. But this 50% discount is only available for a limited time and only available for Teams. You might never see a discount like this again. Your team can start writing better right away with 50% off.

That's half price at wordtune.com slash scathing word tune because everyone has an eli but word tune can help hide that a little bit better the end no you don't have to say the end when you're writing man oh okay the end nope The end. Nope. You know, there's a certain amount of rhetorical power that comes with reading holy books. The ability to honestly say, well, actually, I have read the Bible or the Quran or the Book of Mormon is a fringe benefit that, while never making reading them quite worthwhile, at least softened the blistering stupidity we had to suffer through to finish them. But no advantage, no matter how fleeting, will ever come from us reading David Icke's Everything You Need to Know But Were Never Told

on this installment of God Awful Books. I've actually had an argument with somebody who's read this book. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm reading it too. Go fuck yourself. Okay, all right. Well, that's the way to negate my entire entire intro i know who you had the argument with now when we last left off david ike was explaining you know it doesn't fucking matter i didn't even read the first

half of this chapter it doesn't fucking matter david ike was babbling about some incoherent mushroom thoughts and we're going to rejoin him still muttering about the goddamn matrix actually the subheading that we're going to start off with is called Agent Smith Archons. There we go. I hope you're enjoying my book about real physics. I'm Neo. I know Kung Fu. That's how we start here.

And then he says, whenever I read the Nag Hammadi texts, I think about Demiurge. To be clear, Demiurge is the lion-faced serpent who is also jewish god according to david ike and he's like and as we all know jewish god is the architect and his jewish demons are agent smith that's really what he says yeah so he explains archon that's a formless energetic state of being that reflects the demiurge original in case you were confused as to what we were talking about also it's rich people the one percent though i feel like those people are are formful i'm confused i think they have forms don't know what the fuck okay but you know if tomorrow elon musk shed his physical form some asshole on twitter would be like oh it's because he's willing to hustle right yeah so apparently the evil architect is infecting our

energetic balance by distorting reality like a computer virus and then he's like well am i not being clear figure 93 should help so figure 93 picture a serpent inside a computer and it's shooting out bad circle stuff like sad faces and dollar signs and literally the star of David. Yeah. Seriously. Also Demiurge is using aliens. I'll explain that later. Globalist demons.

I'll explain that now. They'reish yeah jewish people yeah but so the key here apparently is that archons the demon jew demons i guess are jealous of our awesome creativity yeah the demons are jealous of humans because we can create new stuff so they tricked us into building our own prison and this has become really obvious later sorry i'm really bad at writing i promise to get better i'll fix it by the end of this so many times nailed us the archons are apparently also trying to get us to trap ourselves in a prison of our own design by creating a prison of our own design and then trapping us in it. I don't... There's VR involved. Okay.

It took him four pages to say it, but I can summarize this entire heading as that's how they get you. Yep. That is how they get you. Also, at the very end of this section, we get another excellent attempt at one of David Icke's visual aids

slash memes here. It's obviously made in one of those shitty online meme makers and it's Colonel Sanders guy that everybody hated from the Matrix and the top text says the architect and the bottom text says architect of the Matrix.

Shit. Yes. And then we get the intriguing heading vampire gods. So much less cool than what you're picturing. Right. right yeah so the archons which are elites or devils or jews or whatever he needs them to be during that sentence are after our energy but they don't need just any energy it has to be the right frequencies and and apparently they need they like hate frequencies and sadness frequencies okay guys you're probably wondering

about how the demons generate electricity great question um they get it from humans and yes demons have a band they need their frequency band is the chaos hate fear etc band yep says that so it's also it's further demonstrated in figure 94 which seems to show a chud vomiting on a scrapbook the demons do some scrapbooking here that's correct apparently they lay out little photos of babies crying and they suck up the hate fumes

and the fear fumes and the etc fumes I guess gotta get those etc fumes see I thought the demons were doing lines of Polaroids of crying babies off the sand table at the Children's Museum. That's what I got out of figuring anything. The picture is open to interpretation.

And just a reminder, this is all Jewish God's fault. Who started all the wars? Literally Jewish God. Not exaggerating, He says that. They need a bunch of war to create fear so that babies are really sad in photos and the demons can, you know, huff the sad baby fumes in the adjustment. There you go.

Well, it's a good thing that he's revealing this worldwide conspiracy of demons and pedophiles and murderers to us. Otherwise, people might be frightened and feed the demons. Sure. And by the way, if you don't believe David Icke, maybe you've heard of an intellectual luminary named Rudolf Steiner. He was an expert

on educational philosophy and also apparently energy vampires. Dave's going to focus on the energy vampires thing. Steiner said there's energy vampires, I guess. Same thing. He agrees with david eich there you go and since nonsense can't really progress he offers up the illusion of movement with another subheading this time it's body and soul so it goes back to the adam and eve story

to explain that adam was perfect too perfect actually as it turned out so the demiurge copied him again and again until like the holes and the a and the D got inked in by the fax machines eventually. Yeah. Turns out Adam and the Demiurge are both androgynous, according to Ike. So, I mean, I'm just waiting for them to call out Billy Porter. Do we hear that? No. That's what I'm saying.

Okay. It seems like David Icke managed to not be a transphobic bigot here, but I think he just doesn't know what that would mean. You know what I'm saying? Like, if he wasn't so ignorant, he'd be more of a bigot, which is not a good sign. Think about that sentence. I love this little bit where he's like, okay, don't trust your senses.

That's very, except the ones that are reading this book. Fuck, I didn't like it. God damn it. And now, and now. Yeah. Just like David Icke's been saying forever, by the way, the Gnostics also thought our bodies are a trap, and so is ignorance.

And no, he did not hear it. No, he did not. The body is a big prison too, not just the ignorance. And that's because we're all focused on the tiny frequency band of the five senses that our body traps us in. Just to review, the frequency bands we know about right now are sight, hearing,

smell, taste, touch, chaos, hate, fear, and of course, etc. Can't forget etc. Yeah, that's a big problem. Right after that, very next thought from David Icke, ignorance about reality leads to fear, anxiety, psychopathy and depression and

no he didn't hear that either he didn't hear it so yeah but everything is random incoherent bullshit except the very clear explanation that you and everything you know are crappy and terrible and you need David Icke's wisdom to experience true beauty right

weird how that one cult prerequisite of a point is the only thing clearly spelled out in this book so far. David Icke's just like, word salad, word salad, word salad, word salad, buy my DVDs, word salad, word salad. And then we tackle the all-important question of how I know that the intangible, unmeasurable, unobservable, half-defined essence of my being

is the real intangible, unmeasurable, unobservable, half-defined essence of my being is the real intangible, unmeasurable, unobservable, half-defined essence of my being. With the subheading called Counterfeit Spirit. And my first note on this one was, oh my god, he's literally explaining why races are different now, guys. I want off this ride. Absolutely not. Are you kidding? After nine pages of the Arch Archonon archer some good old-fashioned racism is a breath of fresh air okay that's real though we learn about the different races and how that

works from david eich right here in the book he said the races are just different information encoded energy fields that experience reality in different ways yeah yeah quote human races look different because they have different genetic origins relating to different extraterrestrial races end quote and he just carries on to some other fucking point after that okay what about the other senses besides looking david what would it how do they taste different do you want to tell us about that i really wanted him to go into detail, maybe add a couple of visual aids that are just photos of him making racist faces.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Some tape involved for some of them. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. You know an editor was like, nope, we're not doing the smell thing. We're not doing how the... Nope, I'm taking the tape faces away. Absolutely not.

He also teases us here by promising that we'll get to alien reptilian fucking later. Right? Also, demonic lizard alien fucking is part of the equation I will explain later. Seriously. Do we have to wait for the Patreon episode to come out? I don't understand what's happening here. Also, he keeps quoting from old Gnostic texts, but because they don't line up with any of the shit he's talking about,

he'll just add his own nouns and brackets next to their mostly unrelated ones right it would be like me quoting the bible thusly like for god you so loved the world me that he sent did his only begotten son outfit stuff you know no i know kung fu that's in the bible i mean what is god manifesting as his own son if not a temporal soul bound outfit stuff now? Well, you're overthinking this, man. This is you're going beyond David Icke level thinking. And then there's a bit here where he starts explaining. It's like a computer and a mouse.

He's got this analogy and it's just it. It absolutely reads like Eli's bit where he just starts listing the shit that he's looking at. My literal notes were. And that, of course, is always fan letter from a Nazi naked picture of Jerry Falwell Jr.'s wife. Part eaten block of hand cheese. Fuck.

So was everything we just talked about complete nonsense? Don't worry. David Icke does indeed have a metaphor to help explain. And he shows us

figure 96 here to explain it. And he shows us figure 96 here to explain it. It's a guy at a computer with the mouse on top of the keyboard, by the way. And it's plugged into the middle of the screen, just right onto the face of it. And the screen just says mind parasite.

What does he think? I don't understand anything. I get so much more confused when I look at the visual aids. Right? The visual aids are the opposite of visual aids. Yeah, right. So now, by the way, everything that we've read so far could be accurately summarized with the single word dualism. But he doesn't know that one.

So he's using all the other words instead. He doesn't know where a mouse plugs in. So you really think he's going to know about dualism? He doesn't know what the mouse goes on. There's a lot of stuff. I want to see him set up a computer just smashing stuff into us. Also, there's this weird bit

where he explains that your counterfeit spirit is trying to close your heart chakra vortex so that you can't know spirit love. That is not just a sentence from the book that's his thesis sure is okay well david maybe if you warned me you were going to get near my heart chakra vortex i wouldn't clench up you gotta trace around my heart chakra vortex a little bit apparently love comes from that chakra vortex and uh grief fucks up that vortex and he can prove it so you know how people die of a broken heart from grief no it's like that he actually says i think he believes

that that phrase that old saying is like a real medical thing right he could have used a real example you're just making shit up well sorry he was making shit up but then he starts citing work from the institute of heart math that's one word heart math heart math yeah so he explains though that your heart has its own tiny little brain but don't worry he brings evidence that you know how you think better when you're not anxious or fearful how could you do that without a mystical heartbreak okay and i just want to point out along like the fucking borders of the page the visual examples have just entirely jumped the ship at this point the smart people are unloading into an alarm clock

arc on top of graph paper it's a lot all right so then we we dig into the concept of fate in the subheading The Fickle Finger of course it's been six pages since he brought up The Matrix last so he quotes Morpheus some more by the way I want to emphasize

this book came out in 2017 it's not like he was trying to capitalize on the popularity of this year's big movie or anything topical man

it's like your aunt who just found out about TikTok of anti-semitic conspiracy theory right yeah questions i get asked as a single mom yeah point point then he goes on and on for a while here about how astrology makes perfect sense once you accept bullshit bullshit bullshit i'm like well yeah and i should point out that his bullshit bullshit bullshit is not astrology it's not like the planets he's just like when your face soul goes through the archon and I'm like, well, yeah. And I should point out that his bullshit, bullshit, bullshit is not astrology.

It's not like the planets. He's just like when your face soul goes through the archon of the seventh level. Yeah. Okay. He actually says here, this is all based on science. The science of astrology. It's real.

And he claims that he met, quote, a number of astrologers who get paid by global corporate CEOs to advise the company. Now, it seems like you could say the number, right? Right. A number. Is the number zero, Dave? That is a number.

Technically, you didn't lie, I guess. Yeah, I just wrote my notes at that point. Like, studies have shown things that support astrology. And I'm just like, oh, just studies in general. I guess there's not room in this 800-page book cite those studies just okay so many they have a non-complete clause with the uh institute of heart math so they can't be mentioned in the same book yeah he's at this point quibbling with interpretations of astrology right it's bullshit inception at a certain point right he's fighting with himself

about the definition of astrology he's like you might ask who would win in a fight between my invisible friend and the devil the answer astrology okay he tries to use the time as like a mobius strip analogy and he basically hurts himself with this analogy. He basically cuts himself and has to be rushed to the emergency room. Did you try to walk upside down on the strip you were imagining? Okay, to be fair, time is like a Mobius strip in that David

Icke has no fucking idea what he's talking about. And there's another visual aid here, figure 102, and it's just a Mobius strip. That's it. Because this figure 102 and it's just a mobius strip that's it yep because this entire book it's just naming stuff when you're stoned with no explanation of how it actually relates it's like mobius strips right see right so weird also oscillation is the word waveforms also mobius strip i ran out okay done. He says, this is a quote.

He's talking about Saturn. He says, Saturn is, quote, a sun in truth, end quote. And then he just moves on like that was self-explanatory. Yeah. Saturn is super important to this whole concept, and that'll become clear later. He actually says it again. The Patreon edition comes out. And then we get the least believable words that he has put in the book so far.

The name of the next subheading is In Short. No, no, it's not. Spoilers. It's not. Yeah, dude. When your point is invisible monsters are trying to eat your sads, summary is not your friend. Okay. Bury that as many words as you can this is where he says several psychics told me in 1990 that humanity was going to have a giant

awakening and become enlightened and we should be done with evil and sadness and wars like any minute i guess pretty soon yeah he says religion politics media science and medicine are all firewalls to keep you away from the truth that david ike is is dropping and i was terrified to see medicine get its own dedicated spot on that list i'm not surprised just terrified yikes it's like if one of those computer classes at the library for old people like you know the ones that are like how to turn it on without calling your grandson it's like if one of those was also nazi propaganda right one other little detail here he adds more proof he tells us that evil is the reverse of live. In English.

Dude, I need orange juice, David Icke. Specifically in English. The Gnostics, they talked a lot about how and then because David Icke is too dumb to know that summaries are supposed to close things off. They are, yeah. He wraps up with another post-summary subheading. I wanted there to be a summary of the summary and this subheading.

But no, the last subheading was truth vibrations. And this might be the most bullshit source in all of history. David Icke is citing his own work that was based on his 30-year-old recollections of conversations he had with professional psychic mediums. Yep. All right. Let's see if I can remember my own bullshit. The David Icke story. Yeah, right.

He cannot. I know I promised a grand spiritual awakening back in 1990, but if you think about it, we totally had one. Yeah. We'll be done with all the evil and sadness any minute. We're getting there. i'm getting to it all the minutes are any minute guys i didn't yeah and just to remind everybody what tripe we're digging our way through i want to add this clunky ass sentence that he seems to think is the

mic drop at the end of the chapter quote anyone who completes this book with an open mind will be in no doubt that free is the last thing that we currently are. And now it's officially a holy babble segment. It wouldn't fit into this part of the show if there wasn't a it makes sense if you mean it caveat, would it? Also,

what happens when we all become free? He keeps saying that. What is the win? He'll explain that that we'll have to wait for the answer to that one until next time choke on a cookie or or never segment in long never never also would be most likely never but just in case we're gonna be cracking open chapter God awful books. There's a damn good chance I'm just going to invite you to play some mini golf at some point. Anyway, that's all the Blast Movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show,

The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Data, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this episode will be embarrassed to show its face in the archives. I've been neglected to thank Keith Enright for stretching like taffy. I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for bouncing like a rubber ball, and I need to thank Eli Bosnick for collecting newspaper

ink backwards when flattened. Sorry, I have totally run out of shit for this bit, apparently, but it took 450 episodes. That's pretty good. I also want to thank Carrie Lynn Evans from the New Books and Secularism podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Be sure to check out the link in the show notes to learn more about her show. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best

bipeds, Max, Eric, Maurice, Richard, Not Superstitious, Little Bit Stitious, What the Heck's Up with the Moon, Rebecca, Sarah, and Canadian James. Max, Eric, and Maurice, whose erections give stretch arms, strong elongation envy, Richard, Not Superstitious, and What the Heck, who are hot enough to burn the roof of my mouth even though it's plastic, and Rebecca, Sarah, and Canadian James, who are so bright, people flash their high beams at them when they go for evening walks. Together, these nine people, unsolicited insistences, and all-caps inquiries help bring about yet another episode of this show by giving us money.

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