The Scathing Atheist - 457: Flynn-quisition Edition

Episode Date: November 18, 2021

In this week’s episode, Jerry Falwell Jr sues Liberty University for not stopping him from fucking himself, we do NOT have a story about HUMAN ejaculate...but we do have a story in that general field, and on an only somewhat related note, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here. --- Learn more about Vulgarity for Charity here: https://scathingatheist.com/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Tom and Cecil here: https://dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: Jerry Falwell Jr. resurrects defamation lawsuit against Liberty University: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/12/jerry-falwell-jr-resurrects-defamation-lawsuit-against-liberty-u/ Michael Flynn thinks America should only have one religion: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/14/maga-cultist-michael-flynn-in-the-united-states-we-have-to-have-one-religion/ NC Restaurant Turns Anti-Masker’s One-Star “Satanic” Review Into Keepsake Shirt: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/08/nc-restaurant-turns-anti-maskers-one-star-satanic-review-into-keepsake-shirt/ Bishop who left church for satanic erotica writer now works for pig semen group: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/14/bishop-who-left-church-for-satanic-erotica-writer-now-works-for-pig-semen-group/ https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10184459/Spanish-bishop-quit-clergy-sexologist-lover-finds-new-job-exporting-pig-semen.html Archdiocese of New Orleans pays $1 million plus for false Katrina claims to FEMA: https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/archdiocese-new-orleans-agrees-pay-more-1-million-resolve-hurricane-katrina-related-false “Prophet” Donna Rigney: A Future President “Will Be Even Greater Than Trump Was”: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2021/11/09/prophet-donna-rigney-a-future-president-will-be-even-greater-than-trump-was/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult language. Keep your fading couch handy. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by generosity. For reals, though. Like eight years of this and counting, all because you're a really generous group of people. Speaking of which, modestneeds.org. And now, The Scathing Atheist. We did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey

I am the sentence, only getting to tell it to my knees How is that? Eh? it's thursday it's novemberth. And it's push-button phone day. What? For our younger listeners, know the fuck it's not. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Nucky Johnson's, New Jersey,

Maison Bluetown, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Redtown, Blue State, Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Jerry Falwell Jr. sues Liberty University for not stopping him from fucking himself. We do not have a story about human ejaculate, but we do have a story in that general field. And we'll explain to Heath that that is a very rude way to talk about Tom and Cecil. But first, the diatribe.

I have a terrible confession to make. I eat at Cracker Barrel on a fairly regular basis. And look, I know they're an awful company with a terrible track record of discrimination, and it's not like they make up for it by having good food or anything, but my wife is friends with the manager of the one down here and my father-in-law loves that stuff so we occasionally eat there or rather we did eat there back when eating in restaurants was a thing but now nestled as we are among several of america's least vaccinated counties and surrounded by unmasked assholes we eat at home but once a while, we still eat their food at home. So last week, my wife's dad gets a hankering for some fucking gravy,

fried gravy or whatever they got. So she hops online, she places an order, and to minimize contact once we're there, she pays in advance with her debit card. So I go to pick it up. Now, technically, the place has curbside pickup, but I've tried it a couple of times and know the fuck they don't. You can call them and then they'll say that they're going to bring out your food, but they're not going to bring out your food.

Eventually, you're going to have to go in there anyway. So I bypass all that shit, slap on a mask, head in through the nausea-scented last-minute gift for an old lady store that precedes every Cracker Barrel. And I go to the only cashier with a mask on to pick up my order. So here's the procedure. Hi, pick up order for illusions, except I use my real name. And then, yep, here you go. And then it's already paid for, right? And then, yep.

And then I take my artery spackle home and I eat it. That's like the platonic ideal of how this should go. And that's pretty much how it does go, except with the insertion of this bitchy little maskless mega customer that's hovering over my shoulder the entire fucking time. Clearly, she saw my mask, determined that I was on the bad guy team and wanted to glare accusingly at me the whole time. And when I get to the it's already paid for bit, she chimes in to tell me how stupid I am. She uses the patented backhanded politeness that the South's already paid for bit she chimes in to tell me how stupid i am she uses the patented backhanded politeness that the south is so famous for and she says i'd be worried giving my credit card number to some computer now if you don't give your credit card number to some computer it's just

a card made of fucking plastic like a credit card is literally just a quick way of inputting a number into a computer but but I let that slide. And just I kind of smile politely under my mask. So she adds, seems like all anybody need is your name and they can just take your food. And I kind of laugh and shrug and the cashier just kind of laughs and shrugs and I turn to leave. Before I could escape, of course, the maskless shitty lady closes her end of the interaction with, have a blessed day now. Be honest with you, I was tempted to just turn around and yell critical race theory to scare her.

But I remember I'm in a cracker barrel in rural Georgia. That's basically the same as yelling fire in a movie theater. So instead, I just walk out replaying her paranoid interjections in my head. I mean, imagine the scenario she's considering. Right. Yes, I've paid for my food in advance and anybody who has my last name could just walk up, say they were me and leave. But how the fuck would that person know I ordered food? Did they tap my phone? And even if they read my name off the bag or whatever, how would they know it was already paid for? And as small

as the town I live in is, how would they know nobody at the store knows me? whatever how would they know it was already paid for and as small as the town i live in is how would they know nobody at the store knows me and how would they know that the real me wouldn't be right behind them in the fucking line and look let's be honest here if somebody's so desperate to gank my fucking pot roast inside a mash that they have an inside guy at cracker barrel they hang out in the parking lot all fucking evening waiting to speed swipe an order. I feel like they've earned it. When I get there, Cracker Barrel is going to realize they made a mistake and they're going to give me new food. I might have to wait an extra six or seven minutes, but I can do that. I got six, seven minutes to spare. And even in the one in a million chance that they expected me to pay for it again, the worst possible circumstances is that I wasted six minutes and spent 30 bucks buying dinner for a stranger which is something

i would do anyway so you know i spent a few minutes trying to get my hat around the terrifying world of long cons and petty thefts that this lady must live in and then it clicks with me she has to live in that world she has to believe that's the world she lives in because she's a Southern Baptist. She's a church-going, cross-wearing, God bless you, Saiyan, white evangelical who spent her entire life, A, mingling with the very worst people America has to offer in her church, and B, being told that everybody else is somehow even less moral than they are. being told that everybody else is somehow even less moral than they are. I mean, if your starting point is that Christians are more moral than everybody else and you're presented with what a bunch of shitty bigots Christians are, you got to assume that the rest of us are out here stealing everybody's takeout orders for spite and drinking the adrenaline out of freshly murdered babies.

As a humanist, I'm sort of philosophically obligated to exhaust all the moral possibilities before I assume the worst of somebody. But as a Christian, you're philosophically obligated to do the exact fucking opposite. Your entire worldview demands that you believe that you and your elk have dibs on the very concept of morality. I mean, even if your group wasn't mostly culled from the shittiest people in the country, it would still be problematic. group wasn't mostly culled from the shittiest people in the country, it would still be problematic. Hell, your God, the one that you're duty-bound to claim is the pinnacle of ethical perfection is a petty genocidal rapist. And then you got to be a step below them, and then you got to put the rest of us several steps below that. I mean, consider the contrast here, right? Our side

has a huge group of people that disagree with them dislike them and don't want them to do the shit they do but we still try to solve the problems that made them the way they are and when they look at that they see a vast shadowy conspiracy of sexual deviants who torture children their side has a huge group of people that are an actual vast shadowy conspiracy of sexual deviants who torture children and we still try to solve the problems that made them that way they're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight are the sticks and bricks to my straw he then writing eli bosnick bellas are you ready to get huffed puff puffed, and blown? Okay, spoiler, there might be an

actual pig ejaculation thing in heaven. Just so everybody knows. I've said this once, I've said it a thousand times. Every time someone asks if you're ready to get blown, you think of pig cum, and you need to deal with that. You need to deal with that. That's weird if you didn't. It was set right up.

Fucked up is it that I wasn't weirded out at all by your comments. Part of the job. Take it seriously. In our lead story tonight, Liberty University has Jerry Falwell Jr.'s Punisher War Journal No. 6, his copy of Fletch, and remote control to his VCR, and he filed a lawsuit about it.

That's almost exactly what's happening, except with Falwell stuff instead of Brody from All That Stuff. Falwell is reviving his lawsuit against Liberty because they have a bunch of his very important things and he wants them back. It's a messy breakup and they have his favorite t-shirt. No, the good one with the tri-blend fabric. It's soft right out of the wash.

That one. It's that. The lawsuit. It sure is. Plus also defamation they said things the university said things out loud that fallwell definitely did and that of course defamed him yep yeah well but there's jerry fallwell jr in a nutshell right like any true thing you said about that man would be defamation if you said it about any other human. Can they make a legal counter argument that he's also defamed himself every time he introduces himself? Yeah, right. That's pretty strong.

My driver's license is defamed. So he's claiming that Liberty banned him from campus and he can't get it all back. Side note, when Liberty University has to distance itself from you, real bad sign. That's terrifying. So here's what he wants back. First of all, they have his legal files from 9th to 2007. And he started as the university president in 2007, which means he showed up in 2007 with cabinets full of physical paper. So already weird.

And it didn't even relate to his time as the president. I don't understand that part. And he didn't amass any files while he was president, which is also weird. Whatever. They also have a collection of his books and historical items. That's a quote, by the way. That's a real quote from that. Guarantee you that is a vague way to mention stuff

that definitely has swastikas on it. I almost guarantee. They also have three of his horses and his gun. They have his gun and his horses and they have his website, jerryfalwell.com. He got banned from campus so he wasn't able to go get that and he's filing a suit about it

clearly if it wasn't for the fact that this is Jerry Fallwell Jr. I'd be really curious about the story behind him leaving three horses at his office but as it stands I don't want to know any more details I'm terrified of the details definitely give him his gun back though

whatever happens it's gonna be good mutual friend might be in jail they can meet at jail right sure all right so we'll see if they let him come over and pick up that website in a cardboard box along with his pencils and his 38 revolver meanwhile liberty is suing Falwell for $10 million for violating his contract. Hopefully, there's a way for everyone to lose at the same time in a lawsuit, and that's what we're watching happen. I don't know. Yeah. No, I'm hoping that they get the judge from the Rittenhouse

case so I can root for a fire at the courthouse. That's what I mean. I mean, you can do that without the judge. Either way. Yep. And in Flynnquisition news, the only remaining argument atheists have against the existence of literal hell is the fact that the Reawaken America tour rallies

aren't eternal. These are the big lie rallies hosted by new show favorite and man voted most likely to roofie a Disney princess, Clay Clark, who Heath did not put a picture of in our notes this week i'm very and he just did it he just pasted it in retracted look at him look at his face look at his face right now hold on i'm making it bigger yeah okay now these are not just trump did to win

rallies their second tier trump did to win rallies so the speaker list for the next one for example includes greg lock andrew wakefield get the fuck out of sam sorbo dr stella emmanuel demon lady wow and yes uh and of course their keynote former national security advisor and current trader to the united states michael fly. So like basically it's like, it's a, it's disgrace, but with a soundboard and a lighting guy, and they actually managed to make headlines with one of these last week when

Michael Flynn declared that there wasn't room in America for all the non Christian religions. That's so weird. It's this philosophical arena. Ain't big enough for the both of us. Solid pick for the keynote, guys. By the way, I have an idea about who could solve this by leaving. I have an idea.

Yeah. Or dying of COVID. There's a lot of ways this works itself out. I mean, they are working on it, Heath. Are these rallies not enough for you? Yeah. Just non-vaccination, unmasked rallies. I'd like to speed it up.

An Andrew Wakefield rally? That's doing the work, my friends. Well, we need to organize more rallies. Yeah. Hugging. Yeah, so this all took place last weekend in San Antonio where Flynn spelled it out as though he was challenged to say Christian nationalism in as few words as possible

without using Christian or nationalism. During the speech, he paraphrased, Jews will not replace us thusly. Quote, if we're going to have one nation under God, which we must, we have to have one religion. One nation under God and one religion under God, right? All of us together, end quote. Okay, when Jewish people hear,

Jews will not replace us, said like that, I feel like most of them are are being like yeah i think i think your job is i don't know worm guy for dave at the bait shop is safe i'm not stealing like yes i'm gonna succeed more than you but that's unrelated no you're okay you can have all that down there but we have to admit it would have been the greatest prank in the world if he had said that and then everyone was like, woo. And he was like, and that's why we're all doing Islam. Yeah, that would get rid of him way quicker than the rallies and the COVID.

Of course, we don't want no filthy Hindus as a bridge too far for even many Republicans, or at least saying it out loud is. So there was swift condemnation from a number of prominent Republican lawmakers. And I'm kidding. I literally could not find a single Republican anywhere who bothered to push back against him. Plenty of Democrats called him out for his Nazi ass bullshit, as did a number of retired military leaders. But Republicans have been deafeningly silent on it and perhaps that's because as carl bernstein pointed out on cnn exit polls strongly suggest that at least one third of their voters agree with flynn's sentiment what the fuck okay to be fair a third of republican

voters agree with i am morgarath the firebringer of the deep weep the flesh from your bones as long as morgarath is running as a Republican. Right, if he's against abortion. Yeah, it's about right. And next up in headlines, we have a story about non-kosher semen. Stay with me. I will get there.

Some other stuff is going to happen, but just keep in mind, we will land on cum. That's going to happen. I've heard him give this speech to women he dates. Podcast listener, don't believe him. Don't believe him. It's weird that you were there while I was doing that speech.

Why were you there? That's a weird thing you did. So you have a pin in come. That's the point. So the story all starts with Bishop Xavier Novell Goma, who resigned from the Catholic Church in August after falling in love with a woman and breaking his vow of celibacy. This was extra problematic for the church because the woman in question, Sylvia Cabellol,

is divorced. She's a writer of erotic fiction, and that erotic fiction includes the undeniable pleasure of fuck demons. Also, the church is full of prudish bigots. Otherwise, that's just like a fun twist. It's just like a fun story about stuff that happened. What I love so much about this story is that it's nothing. Yeah. Right. We're just sitting here watching the Catholic Church like roll around on the carpet screaming because the floor is lava. Well, right.

But like to the extent that there is a real story, it's about how fucked up it is that there is still a job in the universe that can fire you for fucking a chick that writes succubus porn but if they admit that you got to be an atheist podcaster or something apparently yeah we have a christmas bonus for whoever of us can fuck a chick who writes so the story about the satanic erotica got a bit of attention and then it died down but then we got a beautiful new follow-up go ahead and take out that pin here we go but wipe it off before you use it again please sure sanitary or designate it as your cum pin it could be your cum right yeah you could just always use it don't use the same pin for multiple people's company anyway yeah well agree to disagree so mr goma is now working in the cum sector so apparently he's playing in some kind of tournament in which the winner does the best job creating an escalating series of headlines that embarrass the catholic church and he got his first big score right away with that fuck demon

novelist story and then he scored huge this week when the daily mail reported that he's now working for a company called semen cardona a major producer and exporter of pig semen to the world of pig semen consumers i guess don't be judgy at least it's not mango nectar hey so you're probably wondering what's his job at the pig semen company? Like mostly clerical work? Incorrect. He masturbates the pigs. That is his job.

According to a priest who knows Goma and Caballol, quote, it's like the parable of the prodigal son in the Gospel of Luke. Is it? Apparently it is. The son who abandoned the father to lead a debaucherous life and ended up wishing to eat pig slop okay he's not just not eating it this is not fucking lucy and ethel on the anyway that would be much better it's stretchy it's stretchy but it's this is the gospel of luke he continues but in this case it's the beast slash devil because he masturbates the pigs. Yeah, but I bet you're not going to welcome him back with open

arms like in the story, are you, buddy? Maybe open with a wave next time you see him. Did you wipe that pen off? So, yeah, hey, fuck assault rifles. This is the guy you need when 30 to 50 feral hogs show up on your fucking property, okay? So, the Daily Mail, they reached out to the catholic church

for a comment about this follow-up story and the catholic church responded pass smoke bomb either way mr goma is ranked firmly in the top spot in the ap rankings in the fuck with the catholic church competition that he's in and And I'm definitely going to check out Sylvia Caballos' catalog. And I think this lovely couple deserves I'm going to say 10 seconds on the clock at least. Titles for Ms. Caballos' next

pig-based satanic erotica novel. Go. Pet Cementary. Seamans and Terry. Porkies. Oh, sure. Wait, no, that's not satanic. Pitch porkies.

Yeah! Alright. So, before I do a pun, everybody Google snowball, the act, the sexual act called snowball. Everybody got it? Cool. So, I'm going to go with Snowball's Animal Farm. Swinom, Dynom, 6669.

Oh, nice. Nice. You got the satanic in there at the last second. And in no win, no FEMA news tonight. You remember back in 2017 when a few churches in Texas sued FEMA for refusing to buy replacement Bibles after Hurricane Harvey? texas sued fema for refusing to buy replacement bibles after hurricane harvey and and you remember back in 2018 when in gross defiance of the first amendment fema changed their policy so that federal tax dollars could suddenly be spent buying explicitly religious shit for churches and mosques and shit and you remember how even before that fema was violating the constitution by giving

money to churches for secular stuff because the congress is pandering bullshit after hurricane sandy in 2013? Well, this week we were reminded of what the churches were doing that whole time when the Archdiocese of New Orleans agreed to pay over a million dollars to settle allegations that it defrauded the fucking government by knowingly submitting false claims for payment

in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Okay, well maybe if you replaced our wet Bibles, we would have read that parable of the don't defraud the american taxpayer that's all you we might have we had our morality if we had our bibles i mean come on no it's not like new orleans needed the money or anything after katrina they were rolling it was going super great for new orleans at that time so yeah to be clear even before laws were proposed and policies were changed and lawsuits were filed the federal

emergency management agency already gave money to churches right all the bullshit lawsuits and political grandstanding from both republicans and democrats on this one has been to loosen the very few restrictions that were still in place there in all between 2005 when katrina hit and 2018 when these allegations of fraud first surfaced, FEMA had approved over $180 million to the Archdiocese of New Orleans alone. That's very nearly 1% of the total amount that they've spent on Katrina recovery altogether. And while the settlement doesn't include an admission of guilt, we know that either the Archdiocese was submitting false claims

so that they could steal emergency funds from needy families and local businesses, or they just felt like giving the government an extra million dollars plus in, you know, the way that would most look like they stole emergency funds from needy families. One of those two things is definitely true. Yep. Okay. So the Justice Department was like, okay, we're all going to close our eyes. And if a million dollars in fraudulent money appears on the desk, no questions asked.

Yep. And the only person in that room was the Archdiocese, to be clear. Well, them and Elon Musk's sweaty account. Now, look, we don't know how much the Archdiocese paid, but we can reasonably assume it was less than $2 million, or the DOJ's press release would say that they paid over $2 million. We also don't know how much they've allegedly defrauded FEMA out of, but we can reasonably assume that it's way more than $2 million. We also don't know how much they've allegedly defrauded FEMA out of, but we can reasonably assume that it's way more than 2 million.

Because, well, honestly, we know it because Catholic Archdiocese are evil and none of them has ever had to serve a punishment commensurate with their crime, but also because that Archdiocese already had to declare bankruptcy a few years back over all the child rape settlements that they've had to pay out. So in the most Catholic thing to ever happen, a bankruptcy court had to weigh the importance of their fraud settlement against all their sex abuse settlements.

I guess that's emergency management. Some guy in that office is just like, does anyone want to trade cases with me? I really hate it. You're new. You're new. You have to do this one me? I really hate it. You're new. You're new. You have to do this one now. I'm doing yours. No, don't even hold up the folder. You're working on Thanksgiving. You're doing mine.

I'm not taking your shift. And finally tonight in the Christ is right news, you know, it's been said that we're a little hard on the modern prophets of Christianity on this podcast what with all the talking about the missus and none of the hits and well yes that is largely because of

all the almost never that they're correct or not lying in the spirit of brotherhood in the spirit of friendship i'd like to congratulate prophet donna rigney who predicted this week that a future president will, get this, be even better than Donald Trump. The hell will you say? Alright, I think I'm going to need Joe Biden to take an IQ test from stablegeniusquizblog.com before I make a call on this officially.

Maybe. To be fair, Eli, in terms of profits, we don't know whether heaven has dancing mushrooms popping along to Michael Jackson's live show outside of the volcano flume or not like Kat Gerst prophecies are still TBD officially

that is fair so Miss Rigby was appearing on Steve Schultz's Elijah List shocking ever more sad faced Elijah's List I'm so mad that i knew that right away yeah so sad yeah miss rigney who by the way looks like the only pro book banning librarian like she just sits in a building of empty shelves happy that nobody's reading about dick anyway she had this message to

convey from god the almighty quote he said on the backside of the desert i have trained him in my ways i'm a what yeah so i knew god was talking about during this time when he's been out of office god has been dealing with donald trump in his heart teaching him god's ways of handling things okay yeah okay go ahead go ahead and then he said, as Moses did pass the baton to Joshua, I too will give him a Joshua to complete the assignment I have given him to do.

End quote. Okay, so God's ways of handling things are genocidal at least as often as they're not. We should worry about this one, right? I like to picture the Old Testament as a genocidal relay race now.

Apparently, that's what she's doing. She concludes, quote, a couple months ago, out of the blue, I heard the Lord say to me, he said, after Trump, there's going to be another president and he will be even greater than Trump was. So I feel hopeful that God has a wonderful plan in place and quote and steve schultz was like what this is nonsense can we get cat cur on the phone so i can produce a serious profit segment this is ridiculous yeah so now many might be tempted to steal this win from miss frizzle's homophobic mom because what she thinks is good is bad

and what's wonderful to her is terrible for the rest of us. But in the spirit of charity, nay, nay, in the spirit of Christmas. Christmas? It's not even Thanksgiving yet. I am going to give her the win.

You hear that, Christian prophets? You're one for like 28 billion since the start of your religion. You're welcome. That's a really generous batting average. Well, yeah, right. So while some angry Christian composes his, well, actually it's four out of $28 billion email to correct us,

we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll tag in some extra profanity. some extra profanity. I know this is going to come as a bit of a shock to you, but you're about to hear some of this year's vulgarity for charity roasts while it's this year. So buckle the fuck in. That's right.

You've once again overwhelmed us with your generosity. We're on paste and milk every penny out of that $100,000 mash, but the pace has slowed down a bit. Remember, as of this episode, we are only seven days away from the end of the fundraiser. You need to get your donation in by midnight Eastern on Wednesday

for it to be eligible for an honor. You know what? We're going to say midnight central time in honor of cognitive distance. Yes. On Wednesday for you to be eligible for an on-air roast. Just check the show notes or go to scathingatheist.com for more details.

And remember how we kept saying that we were going to be choosing random roasts before the fundraiser was over? Yeah, that's tonight we were talking about. So as we start digging our way out, we're excited to welcome back Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Distance podcast. Tom, Cecil, welcome back. Thanks for having us.

I feel like we just did this. Yeah, for years. Two months ago. There we go. Two years. Do it again. Finished for having us. I feel like we just did this. Yeah, for years. Two months ago. There we go. Two years. Finished it in September. And a month off. Yeah. And since I'm feeling charitable

and I know how much Eli likes it, I'm also going to welcome back Heath and Eli from earlier in this podcast. Heath, Eli. Also welcome back. Thank you, Noah. Great to be back to doing what I do best, saying mean shit with social permission.

There you go. I was sure you were just going to welcome me back only and not welcome me back. I have to save something for the next one, yeah. All right, so Heath, why don't you kick us off with a roast for Jacqueline's boyfriend, Austin. Okay, so Jacqulyn's email it's mostly a bunch of really nice things about austin like how he's kind and supportive he loves animals and he doesn't express emotions because they're illogical great stuff about we also learned that austin thinks that's what she said is the height of humor. Oh, no.

Yeah. Heath, are you Austin? You have to tell us. It's like being a cop. That's what she said. But we did get a photo. And that's where the email got mean. Austin looks like a lawn gnome at an Iron Maiden concert.

It looks like Gimli cosplaying as someone who cosplays as gimley but like on a normal day when that person is not cosplaying just dressed in like so good so and uh austin i hope you enjoyed this whole thing because that was your christmas present from jacqueline just now that was it the whole thing she did not get you that black t-shirt from Hot Topic that you wanted with the band on it. It was just this. Just now. Merry fucking Christmas. Also, Austin,

if you don't learn to express your emotions, this roast will be all you have of her in a few years when she leaves you for someone she sees crying at the beginning of Up on an airplane. Just throw that out there, buddy. Up to you. It's a really specific example about Heath's life. That's right. And Cecil, how about a roast for Tom's co-worker, Casey?

Tom, by the way, Tom had specifically requested a Tom roast, but you got me instead, buddy. So it's not as mean and not as funny. So here we go. Tom said in his message that Casey has no range of emotion and approaches every single scenario with the same expression, giggly detachment. You know who else does this, Tom?

Psychotic androids from science fiction horror, man. Your ex-coworker is basically a walking black mirror episode. I keep, like, when I look at the photo, I keep expecting her head to, like, open up and reveal a malfunctioning futuristic costume for Arnold Schwarzenegger to get past the TSA Mars. Just do me, like,

do me one solid, Tom. Take two steps back if she ever says, get ready for a surprise. Okay. One for you here, Noah. Jessica would like a roast for the Archdiocese of New Orleans. Well, yeah, Jessica couldn't have known.

We'd been talking about them earlier in this episode. So bad enough you're already a regional rape cabal franchise, but apparently they're they're fucking they're charging us for the privilege again we talked about this in the headlines but they're the guys that just agreed to pay a million dollars plus because they were knowingly submitting false fema claims after katrina oof and the only thing that was surprising about this story was that fema was over 18 when the Catholic Church fucked it. It's like you've got some kind of fucking universal bad guy checklist you're going through.

And when the Archdiocese of Milwaukee unveils its goddamn fucking space laser, you can bet your ass I'll get angry emails from people who think I'm being unfair about it when I bring it up. But that space laser meant so much grandma when papa died. Shut the fuck up and stop being catty. Shut the fuck up. Exactly. You give money to them. And Eli. Fuck you.

I got a good one for you here. Nora would like a roast for passive aggressive so-called progressive Christians. Oh, well, hey there, progressive Christians. Did you finally hitch your wagon to enlightenment values of the 1800s paint jesus on the side and hope he wouldn't notice because the hitch looks awful fresh to me and i can't help but notice that you haven't hitched your wagon do you know modern progressive values just the ones you can't get away with pushing back against anymore but hey hey let's put that and the book

that you haven't read aside how would you say you're doing are christians doing great at progressivism are you most if not all of the terrorism in the united states the racism, the anti-vaxxers, the bigots. How's your progress going? Is it going? You doing a good job? Or, or are you secretly what you've known yourself to be since the first time you thought about the story of Noah's Ark as an adult? An atheist who's too chicken shit to admit it. No, it's fine.

It's fine. You have a rainbow flag on your church. Good for you. There you go. No, it's fine. It's fine. You have a rainbow flag on your church. Good for you.

There you go. And Tom, we need some of that signature sauce for Dustin's EMS director, Brian. All right. Brian, for a touch of context, is an EMS director who somehow managed to get the easiest possible management and planning question wrong. Look, the supply chain shortages for toilet paper may have been a surprise, but if you're facing down a global pandemic

and you're wondering if you're going to need more emergency health care, anything, the answer is, of course you are, you asshole. But guys like Brian

can't see past their own smug fucking faces. And Dustin, that's all right. Because Brian is at the peak that he will ever be at and it's not that fucking impressive of a peak this is it man this is his whole fucking fiefdom a windowless office and a work laptop full of vanilla porn he watches while on the shitter and when you and not the ice cream not the awesome he just means boring porn i'm pretty sure is what not even good porn yeah and look man when you and

everyone else you know is out there saving lives and doing good shit brian will always be back there on his throne desperately trying to remember why he bothered to wake up to it. Plus, he's very clearly one of those guys who couldn't cut into the military, so he thought standing that way and having that haircut would fool everybody. Brian, look, you're

the Danny DeVito of an ambulance fleet, and you aren't fooling anybody. You're not fooling nobody. You're not even the Andy Kaufman. Right. Taxi was a show from the 70s. Oh, yeah.

All right. That buzzer means it's time for a Spightning Row. Damn, you didn't even have to tell Morgan. Nope, he just knows. Ian knows. Ian knows. Is that what his Grammy's in, Cecil? even have to tell Morgan. Nope, he just knows. Ian knows. Ian knows. Is that what his Grammy's in, Cecil? Knowing when to do the boomy voice?

Is that his Grammy? Okay, alright. This is a thing for you and I'm not going to indulge it. You are. Okay, you are. I want to do that. Morgan's going to have three Grammys if he wanted. The category is... Yeah, he just doesn't want the Grammys. That's the problem. He does. He's busy with us. He's doing other stuff.

He's hitched his wagon to a different horse. To our podcast star. A non-Grammy horse. Cold is heavy anyways. Just padding your resume. Really do it. Alright, so the category Cold is heavy anyway. It's just padding your resume, you know? Really. Do it. All right.

So the category here is family feud. We got a bunch of roasties with a family member that needs to go fuck themselves. And in the spirit of the upcoming holiday, I want you to tell us what these roasties should be thankful for. Let's start with Patrick, who wants to send a message to his wife. Yeah. Okay. So Eli set this one up. He didn't really read the email, and when I say didn't read, he didn't read

the email. Patrick doesn't want a roast of his wife. He wants a roast of all the shitty people who tell his wife, you'll change your mind about having kids. Fuck those people. Fuck those people. Apparently, she doesn't want kids, so

her life is full of time and money and freedom. All the people with kids really don't like that. So Patrick's wife and Patrick, be thankful for time and money and freedom and literal happiness. You can literally buy happiness with all the kids you don't have. And be thankful that all the people with kids have to lie and pretend it's the greatest decision they ever made it's not they're mostly liars pretty much every parent except for tom is a liar and to all those people with kids who tried to bully patrick's wife into their pyramid scheme timeshare cult of irresponsible breeding your kids are shitty yes

whoever you're listening me though i have great no your kids are shitty you think they're good but they're not they're bad they're bad at everything and they're sticky all the time but they're sticky all the time oh you want to tell a story about how you're awesome? Nobody cares. Nobody fucking cares. Kids are shitty. Deep, deep in there. I think there was a deep cut roast that Tom doesn't love his kids.

I think we should just. No, there was a competition. It's a recognition. I think he loves them, but he's realistic. I think he's honest. That's like a plaque. That's awesome. You hang out on the wall.

He's a loving, parent yeah okay and uh eli what should origin's brother christian be thankful for uh vows of chastity so for context here despite being raised in a relatively atheist household in norway christer managed to turn out a right wing Christian priest and a bigot anyway. What? What? Yikes. That's fucking hard. You got society all around you just constantly providing proof of the benefits of secularism.

It's difficult as shit to claim you want to go backwards in the time machine and throw away the keys, buddy. Enough of this free medicine. Let's see what the Bronze Age has to say about morality. enough of this free medicine let's see what the bronze age has to say about morality but as i said christer is definitely thankful for those chastity vows because even though whatever the fuck denomination he's in doesn't have them the priest caller gives him an excuse not to have a girlfriend that is in his face so yeah very happy all right so i'll take michelle's mother jackie who absolutely fucking sucks. She deadnames Michelle's trans

sibling. She apparently insists that Michelle and her boyfriend sleep in separate bedrooms when they visit, despite the fact that they're in their 40s. Just beat her up. You can beat her up. She's older than her 40s. Yeah. She also looks like if the concept of asking for a white cashier

got struck by lightning and came to life. And I would say she should be thankful that the manager will even still talk to her at this point. All right, Cecil, what is Anton's unnamed wife thankful for? I think she's thankful she got out of Brazil

so she doesn't have to take her governmental dose of hydroxychloroquine, ivermectin, or Bolsonaro. Also, I think Anton is very thankful he married up. That's all I'm saying about this. Alright, so Tom, last and as usual, at least, what should

Jen's stepfather-in-law be grateful for? Rick should be grateful for the 194 million Americans who have gotten vaccinated and are keeping his dumb ass alive. He should be grateful, but fuckos like Rick are never really grateful for anything.

Chuckle fucks like Rick never take the time to see any moment of the world beyond their lives. Rick will never be grateful. But you should be. You should be grateful for consequences jen because day by day and moment by moment rick's lack of insight and introspection his selfishness his inability to empathize they will bankrupt him morally financially socially and he will be left alone not just this thanksgiving but every thanksgiving unloved and alone and forgotten

and stewing in the lumpy gravy of his own self-righteous bullshit. And also, I bet he's a cranberry from the can guy. Yeah, he's got the look. The best kind of... Fuck you guys. Yeah, exactly. Hey, Cecil, if you're a

cranberry from a can guy, consider me surprised. I am. I love cranberries from a can guy i consider me surprised i love cranberries the lines have been drawn oh eat that shit just out of the can with us i knew that when i wrote that joke it's wonderful fuck yeah to feed them and like roast them in a duck's i put it on pizza with pineapple fuck yeah man fuck you i mean that That's a step too far. I'm out of the recording. I'm done. All right.

So before we get to our final roast of the evening, I want to give a big shout out to our favorite kind of donor. Those who gave us money and didn't ask us to do anything in return. All the good with none of the benefits. Big thanks to Tris and Kimberly Jenkins, Drew, James, Amber,

and Roy for tossing in what they could. Also, double thanks to Patrick Marr, Justin B, Drew, James, Amber, and Roy for tossing in what they could. Also, double thanks to Patrick Marr, Justin B., Bill, Daniel, and Grace. Oh, wait. Why the double thanks? Oh, they did the same thing, but they gave us more money than that. Oh, there you go. Oh, wow.

Well, in that case, triple thanks to David and Will, who chipped in $150 for the cause. Ooh. And for Carol, she gets... Quadruple, dude. Way too slow. Really?

I was getting there. Thank you, Carol. Thank you, Carol. Extra mooch. What word did Noah just say? Kadoop. Man. All right.

And last, but certainly not least, a little category we like to call Are You Sure? Are You Sure? Big thanks to Michael and Joel who both tossed in a thousand bucks A little category we like to call, are you sure? Are you sure? Big thanks to Michael and Joel, who both tossed in a thousand bucks with no request.

Are you sure, though? We would do stuff to your bodies for that kind of money. Are you sure? Yeah, totally. And Nilesh, who tossed in two thousand bucks with no roast request, just wants us to do a live show in San Antonio. I mean, look, Nilesh, I can't promise you the city, but I can promise you the state. And whenever we do go there, let us know. Got front row seats on us. And how big

could Texas possibly be, right? Also, just a quick thing. Are you sure, though, Nilesh? Because that is real close to killing people money for me. Throw some names out there, bro. Don't show yourself short. Oh, I'll message you after the show, Eli. I got a list and a checkbook.

Yeah. So I had to include this one too. An honorable mention to Daniel who sent us proof that he donated to the Food Bank of Australia. Not what we're doing here, but I'm glad to hear that you're doing some good there. Okay, that's as emblematic of our

listenership as I can possibly imagine. Good job, though, I guess. Hello, gentlemen. Fuck you guys. I'm doing a feed bank. Alright, well, to close things off, we have a few full team roasts from some of our highest donors. These folks tossed in the big bucks to guarantee their roast made it on the air,

so let's do it right. First up, how about we roast Avery's ex, Devin? I know it seems like Devin's got the world snowed, Avery, that she's fooling them all with a smile while you're home feeling gaslit and alone, but Avery? Devin isn't fooling anyone. She's not. Not for a minute. Devin isn't even a big fish in a small pond, Avery. Devin is so small and unimportant and uninteresting, she has to constantly find new ponds. But the thing is, before too long, Devin will run out of new ponds and people that haven't soured on her drama fetish bullshit. And when that happens, and I assure you that it always happens, there will be no place left for devon to go nowhere for her to hide no new people for her to apply her minimal charms to because it's not charming and it's not interesting and

absolutely none of it is unique or edgy the truth is that devon's just another in a long and tedious line of cookie cutter diet watered down budget narcissist i would tell you that these are a dime a dozen but i would rather keep the fucking dime yes yes and devin in case you're listening that that misery loves company thing doesn't work both ways right no matter what polite society has led you to believe there's just there's what i'm saying is there's an age where brooding and complex just becomes insufferable asshole and you passed it yeah yeah i mean look we want to be careful here because devon is trans and we don't want the rose to be misconstrued as transphobia but devon how did you manage to transition into the worst kind of woman a manic pixie dream girl. All the time and effort and bigotry to come out the other side

of Zooey Deschanel. Not worth it. Not worth it. I don't like that last part. I like Zooey. Anyway, I will say Devin looks like Carrot Top got like

like Carrot Top. Devin looks like Carrot Top got like Like Carrot Top Devin looks like Carrot Top And like before Carrot Top became all attractive With steroids and bee venom Based on the Very extensive email We got I'd describe Devin's

Personality type as Prop comedian Also sexual style is my guess. And I don't have a roast, Avery, because the tale you tell about being happy, successful, and in a better relationship is going to sting your ex much worse than I ever could. Amen.

All right. So let's get the taste of Devin out of our mouths here with a little love roast for Dr. Ash Higgins. Tastes like carrots. From her partner, Walt. All right. taste of devon out of our mouths here with a little love roast for dr ash higgins like carrots all right so walt told us all about dr ash higgins and she's amazing at this exact moment she's very likely installing a bionic lung into a child who was going to die without it yeah and apparently she's also really fucking good at everything else too. She rescues dogs.

She drives stick. Her eyes are already capable of seeing 3D movies without the glasses somehow. What? Apparently, it's a real thing. And she probably wins at every game. You know when you awkwardly

bump into your ex at a party? Your ex is with Dr. Ash and it's a nightmare it's actually happening all of a sudden she's like speaking portuguese fluently to like pele somehow and you're just like all right and more generally she's an extremely intelligent black woman with a nose ring she's like critical race theory came to life as a person to scare people. If Scarecrow released that gas at the Republican convention, they'd all see Dr. Ash Higgins and they'd die in a stampede

of fear. That's amazing. So good. Okay, so I guess this is the part I'm supposed to say, whoa, whoa, roast Dr. Ash Higgins. How am I supposed to do that? She's so awesome.

Well, fuck you for being awesome. Right. Oh, a nice angle switch. I like that. Do you ever stop to think about how selfish that is? Yeah. Gosh, do you? I mean, have you ever seen anything resembling a fucking statistic about the rest of us most of us can't do one

thing competently and you're over there hogging up the awesome like some kind of trust fund awesomeness collector i bet you don't even appreciate it i bet you have no idea what it's like not to be able to afford even one awesome you know fuck you here's an idea doc maybe try eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's on the toilet while crying like the rest of us. You know? Instead of, like, backpacking your way through cold fusion

or whatever the fuck you have planned next. Jesus. Yeah, I got a criticism here. I don't want to blow anything for you here but seriously doc put a little more effort into your secret identity okay i don't want to say the words ooper say ero hey where walt might over here but it's obvious even from a passing description also based on the history of vulgarity for charity you know walt is a bridge troll right based on how she's walt has like a goiter that hangs off his head says anti-semitic shit if it's too windy there's no way walt is pulling up at that level

so walt had himself roasted back in 2019 little backstory well and again in 2021 apparently eli welcome well here's the thing ash loved the roast of walt and so walt figures oh she'll just love it if we do her this year hey hey walt little bonus roast for you you sure bud are you sure though because roasts are like anal. You should be super sure someone who likes to give also likes to receive. Based on Dr. Ash's picture, she looks like a woman who likes to give.

What I'm saying is she pegs on the first date. She pegs on the first date and she looks like the head of a women's studies department for Wakanda. That's what I'm saying. I just want to jump in here and say, Walt, did you say she rescued three and a looks like the head of a women's studies department for Wakanda. That's what I'm saying. 100% does. I just want to jump in here and say,

Walt, did you say she rescued three and a half dogs? That's what it says. We did say that. Was the.5 a pug that was missing its breathing half? What are you talking about? How dare you? All right, this next one is just for Cecil and Eli. Mick would like you to roast bad dinner party hosts as Lord Timothy

Dexter and his wife. Oh, that's not a problem. Hey, Timmy, you want to get in here, bud? Yo, bro, you fucking called me? Okay, have you guys been in the other room this whole time? You were on episode 56 of Citation Needed, I think. Yeah, we sure

have, bro. We was having a fight. A fist fight. Right, right. Okay, anyway. We was having a fight. A fist fight. A fist fight. Right, right. Okay, anyway, Mark with like a roast of rude dinner party guests. Oh my God, those people are the fucking worst.

Like, first of all, if you're not expecting me and my princess to come two and a half hours late, you don't fucking know us. I gotta do my fucking tips before I get there. She's gotta do her fucking tips.

B, if you ain't got pigs in a blanket, you ain't got a dinner party. Yeah. Oh, help myself to some cheese and crackers? What am I, a homo? We ain't no fucking homos. Exactly. And thirdest, I catch you looking at my queen, we're fighting. I catch you ignoring

my queen, we're fighting. And by we, it does mean all fucking three of us. That's right. So yeah, Mark, thanks for the money. Though, I think we got to say it. Tell him, baby. Go ahead and fucking tell him.

Yeah, I'm going to fucking say it. We don't like modest needs because they did turn us down for my girl's breast implants. Not once, twice. That's right. Twice they turned us down now. All right. Well, thank you very much for coming. You guys want to head back into the house?

Yeah, we're going to head to a BWW, have a fight in the fucking parking lot. A fist fight. A fist fight, exactly. Sounds good. All right, and speaking of douchebags, Tom. Okay, don't think I don't see what you're doing. That's not what I was doing, but take it how you want it. That's not what I was doing, but take it how you want it.

Mary would like one of your signature stingers against douchebag managers. Okay. All right. To be clear, the list Mary provided was extensive and specific and yet still managed to be about exactly one person. Many names. One person. We've all met that fucking guy, that guy who's so absolutely terrified of women in power that he invents every possible reason and excuse to will actually his way into consolidating power only into the hands of the small-minded dipshits who wake up every morning terrified that if even one woman has

a good idea that didn't either originate from a penis or get validated by a dick first, that his would shrink and fall off. It's dudes like this that think they're in control, but they're not. Every day that passes is passing them by, and even though they have this one moment in the sun, they are stupidly unaware that they are living inside a cultural supernova. Every woman they pass up learns the same lesson, Mary, and it's not that these men have the power, it's that these cowards are the enemy. And if I were a betting man, I'd put every last dollar I have that no matter how many little dick cowards try to stand in the way, talented women will leave

them behind forever scratching their fucking heads and eventually bringing you your coffee. That's it. Had a happy ending. I like it. All right. So we're going to wrap up. I'm known for happy.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And we're going to wrap up the first session of Roast with a roast from Michael for the literal reason we have to do this goddamn fundraiser in the first place. Billionaires.

Oh, my God. You're literal utility monsters yes that's you you're that if you don't know that term look up robert nozick utility monster nozick was a philosopher who argued against egalitarian systems that try to maximize happiness for everyone and he did that by proposing a utility monster who claims that every dollar they make. Gives them way more happiness. Than that same dollar going to a poor person. Who really needs it. Now that's obviously a hypothetical person. It's theoretical.

That doesn't actually exist. But with lying. They kind of do exist. And they ruin the egalitarian system of capitalism. Billionaires who don't immediately give away most of their fortune in some way by their very existence are constantly lying about being

an actual reality utility monster. So for all the libertarians out there who love free market capitalism, you should be eating the billionaires. They're fucking up your thing. That fucks up your argument. Yeah. Billionaires would make make smog the dragon nauseous you have more money than you ever could or would spend in a lifetime including your dumb ass ego-driven space trips and you have it for no reason yeah you're if that riddle about the doubling penny on the chessboard was a guy

but that riddle also destroys the middle class and collapse the fucking supply chain. I hate you and I can't wait for you to be the first meat I eat in a decade. Numbers. Imagine being in a group that included Donald Trump

where the fact that your group included Donald Trump wasn't the most shameful thing about it. Right? I'm a fucking thousandaire living in a town full of hundredaires and I feel like an asshole pretty much all the time. Imagine you guys are a million times worse than me at least. Even if you were secretly Batman, you'd still suck and you aren't secretly Batman. even if you were secretly Batman,

you'd still suck and you aren't secretly Batman. When they make the billionaire ride at Epcot Center and they make a perfect Android replica of you, they're going to have to hire someone to come in and refine it so it passes as human.

Listen, let's just listen to Jeff Bezos laugh and tell me he's not a broken funhouse attraction. That's true. All right, let's play a little game of what if. What if you had power?

Like enormous, almost impossible to imagine power. And let's imagine that this power was so vast that it created more and more power. So much and so fast that it was impossible to use more power than you gain every day. And then let's imagine that because of this power, there was no whim you could not indulge, no corner of the earth you couldn't visit, no experience or object you couldn't partake in again and again, all without once diminishing any of your power. Now, let's imagine that all around you were an endless sea of faces who had almost no power at all. Many

were hungry or sick or desperate. Now imagine that you could sacrifice just some of your power to help ease the suffering and misery of many of those people without yourself becoming even remotely miserable. Now imagine building a rocket shaped like a cheap dong

and playing Sp spaceman instead okay that's billionaires they would literally rather fuck the air with a giant phallus than help you yes that's true and mostly fuck nothing actually it's air for like a second right it's true all right well i'll tell you what unfortunately that's all the time we've got for this tonight but there are still plenty of roasts yet to come and there's still time to get yours in go to modest needs help somebody in need don't be like a fucking billionaire and send us the receipt again all the information is in the show notes and at scathingatheist.com tom cecil thanks again for all your help thanks for having us

talk to you guys next week. Before we throw away the key tonight, I want to urge you one last time to get that donation in while you still can. As of this recording, we've already raised over $150,000 with the match, but there's still a long way to go, and you can help. Check the show notes for all the details. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.'ll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptic rat dipping

at 70 eastern on monday and even newer episode of our sister show's hot frank god awful movies dipping at 70 eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously i can't call this an episode but i'd like to thank heath enright for being the first eli bozik for being the last and lucinda illusions for being my everything i also want to thank elaine from for being the first, Eli Bozic for being the last, and Lucinda Lusions for being my everything. I also want to thank Elaine from New Zealand for providing this week's musical Farsworth quote, but most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's sexiest simians,

John, Dude, George, Brian, Apollo, Nathan, Christopher, Jesse, Lisa, and Chris B. Cream. John, George, and Brian, whose dicks are so big they usually have to buy two tickets to shit, Apollo, Nathan, and Christopher, who are so bright they can only see stars in pictures, and Jesse, Lisa, and Chris, who are so sexy they make facial recognition software blush.

Together, this clever crowd contributed to our continuous castigations of Christian craziness this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com. whereby you'll earn access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but we're not needy enough, be sure to get your donations into ModestNeeds.org. Again, show notes, details, legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres.

Tim Robinson handles our social media. Our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. Find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadeus.com. What's your catchphrase? Fuck a... Ramsey, exactly. Thank you.

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